Nerd Poker - Episode 3 - Satan's Marker

Episode Date: February 28, 2018

Our heroes are up to their ears in a melee in the courtyard of Roke, and Dan brought a grid map to draw on! With a marker! What could possibly go wrong?!? Turns out several things. Luckily Esmeralda knows the lay of the land, because the area is filling up with skittering monsters that may or may not have been students of the magic college at some point. Listen and see if one of our players dies!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, guys. It's Rhodes from Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. And it's episode three. Thirty. No, just three, buddy. in episode... Three. Thirty. No, just three, buddy. Just three?

Yep. Thanks, you guys. Thanks, Reds. Thank you. Nice first story for PJs, everyone. Oh, you're welcome. And I want to give a thanks to one of my friends who sent me those Mighty Jack books.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, I have to do an official thing in a second. I'll go find that. Yeah, a guy sent Rhodes, one of our listeners. You can actually start and do a couple of... Oh, yeah. And I'll be right back. Okay, bye, Brian.

We would also like to thank Sam Gibson. Thanks, Sam. love your guitars haha thank you brown julius oh brown julius is there egg in that one too thank you tyler mikhev what uh that's his name thank you pronouncing that right tyler funny they don't all have to be funny some of these people actually want to avoid like a silly patreon name and just be sincere like a like a wes anderson i gotta be honest my name is blaine kapach uh thank you jeffrey croxford i'll bet thank you jessica posey oh thank you thank you jess lany. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Jess Lanning. Thanks, Jess.

Thank you, Gago's Micropenis. It's pronounced McCroppenus. That's it. That's it. Go, go. Cool. So Rhodes was right. We had received it.

I just finally went to the P.O. box since Christmas. I hadn't been. And so this was sent as a Christmas gift to Rhodes from one of our listeners. He sent two books, Mighty Jack 1 and then Mighty Jack and the Goblin King. But it says, hi, nerd poker crew. These are for Rhodes. Keep being a rad show announcer. Happy holidays from Rob LaDuke.

Rob's a long time later. I've seen his name before. He's been with the show a long time. Yeah, thanks, Rob. I'm glad Rhodes brought that up himself. He was so happy and really thankful. Cool. Thanks, Rob. Thanks for all the white powder in this envelope, too. It's retellings

of Jack and the Beanstalk, but it's done comic book style. Oh, nice. That's great art. He loves it. We read the first one. We're almost done. And then we've got some dice from Jeremiah Dudek. Or Dudek.

Merry Christmas, Nerd Poker Part 2. I know you have a lot of dice already, but here's some more. And let's see. I'm glad I'm not doing a Dudek-ahedron joke. Someone wrote me a novel. Yeah, you got this from Brenda's on Patreon. You can check it out. it out you've been served i think the book is yours too my name is brendan also known as brendis on patreon i just wanted to say thanks for being awesome and having reinvigorated my love of the game haven't played

in years but i look forward to playing when my schedule frees up a bit i made this shirt for dan hope you enjoy it and that it fits and then he gives me some compliments uh i do have one request and suggestion for dan please use a desk a deck of many things at some point uh okay cool thank you brandon and this shirt he said he made it going to open it. I will say we had a deck of many things in an old Sark campaign, and it really opens a can of human worms for everybody involved in the campaign. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, it makes people weird. I never introduced everybody. Did you do that while I was out of the room?

Oh, thank you. This is Dan. Oh, no. Oh, I didn't go through that at all. I just went straight to Patreon. Sarah's here. Nice to meet you. Yeah, I was distracted, I didn't go through that at all. I just went straight to Patreon. Sarah's here. Nice to meet you. Yeah, I was distracted by the fact that Dan opened that T-shirt

and immediately smelled it before he did anything else. Let it be known. When the DM giggles maniacally, it's already too late. That's so true. So true. It's funny because it's... And it has your glasses on it. It has your glasses on it.

It does. He really did make it just for you. That's great. That is great. We have one more thing. Dear Brian Pesan and Nerd Poker Crew, second-time donor, long-time listener, I recall Blaine saying he needed to write down his advertisements

because he was forgetting them, so I decided to help him out by printing all the Blaine... Jesus. The Blainevertisements from the first 40 episodes of NerdPoker with BP and F. P.S. Blaine, please put out a comedy album, 20 Charisma. P.P.S., the attached donation is brought to you by Allie Gertz's album, Cosby Sweater.

Listen to Allie sing about D&D, her favorite comedians, and much, much more. Buy now, and you will have it sooner than later. Sincerely, Benjamin Dawes. Wow, thank you, Benjamin. Thanks, nerd. And then... So is that from the old one?

Or this show? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, this is an old Blackie Green. Yeah, it's art of Blackie Green. Yeah. Yeah, it starts with ones from my act and then goes into the ones that I came up with on the fly because Brian went, hey, I dropped a contact. Shit my pants. Brought to you by

pants. Great place to shit. Pants. What are some of them? Here's one from February 19, 2013. Listerine eyedrops! Ow, that's fresh! Listerine eyedrops! Yeah, that's about it.

And then I had two more. 2013, that's a pretty recent reference for Blaine. Oh, by the way, Marty Allen died. I don't know if you know who Marty Allen is. Hello there. Yeah, hello there. He's googly eyes and he had curly black hair. And back in the 90s, I was at a party, an LA Weekly party.

A bunch of people were there and I bumped into this guy. I turned around and it's Avery Schreiber and Avery Schreiber is another guy from the 70s I remember Avery yeah you know if you saw him I'm sure curly hair mustache whatever famous guy and I turn around there's Avery Schreiber and I couldn't think of anything to say so I go hello there and he goes uh hello there nice and he walks away and then i'm driving home and later and i go oh my god that's marty allen's catchphrase that's not that's not avery schreiber's catchphrase that's marty allen's catchphrase and i said it right through his face and he looked at me like an asshole and then six months later he was dead now they're both every schreiber uh had the giant

mustache yeah but did he really have a catchphrase Avery? No he was like a second city guy And then wasn't he on like He was with Burns and Shriver But he also had like Some national running commercials Yeah he was a Doritos commercial guy For years

But it was like I grew up with him And I was so old that my brain Fretzed Did he make me laugh all the time. Funny guy. Anyway. Want to play Dungeons and Dragons, you guys? Not the Hello Dare guy.

Not the Hello Dare guy. I think Marniel and him and Art Matrona all got confused for each other. In my mind, while you guys talk about all this, you're in combat. You guys are just swinging swords and casting spells and then leaning over your arms and being like... Oh! I remember this one. Children's chewable RU-486.

Sometimes even children fuck. Cherry grape and wonderberry. Children's chewable RU-486. What are you? 486? Do-do-do-do-do. This is the part where Brian closes the partition between his 486. What are you? 486? Do-do-do-do-do. Sorry, sorry. This is the part where Brian closes the partition between his house and where his family is hiding from the podcast. Separate the stinky nerds from the regular people.

Cool. Well, what happened in episode two? In episode two, you guys went to the College of Roke after witnessing an assassination. of Roke after witnessing an assassination. So you guys originally went to this town called Tinat for a request. Yeah. Fast Actin' Tinat shuttled you guys. You're such a fucking asshole.

It's a form of early onset dementia. Over here, to try to get you to kind of bring the college back. They need this magic college in order to keep everything running. Where did you put those books, Brian? Which books? The blue ones, the Star Wars ones. I'll get them back. Yeah, I stuffed stuff in one of them. Oh, okay, Brian. Which books? The blue ones. The Star Wars ones. I'll get them back. Yeah, I stuffed stuff in one of them. Oh, okay, sure. I thought they were free.

They were, but I didn't think they would disappear. So I foolishly... Oh, wait, wait. Never mind. Found it. They fell out. Our star maps? Oh, you printed one out because you're great. Thank you. I did my homework.

I clearly did in Photoshop. Good extra. And you know what? Each one of these took an entire Chinese province worth of toner. That's a lot of toner.

What's sad is... The paper's actually heavy from toner i know right like i used up all my ink cartridges at home just trying to get this yeah each one of these costs about 340 dollars i know it looks so much better digitally too once you print it out it's like dan what the why um because you know the printer kind of like does that thing where it smushes it all together it's like stop killing me and did the printer do the of does that thing where it smushes it all together. It's like, stop killing me. And did the printer do the thing at the bottom where it says, proof of flat Earth?

Yeah, it did. It did. Okay, interesting. That really bummed me out, by the way, how when Elon Musk sent that car into outer space, there was a new resurgence of people going, see, the Earth isn't flat. This is the 90 billionth video of outer space.

This is really the one that's become a meme that this is proof. I can't even believe it. The world is painfully stupid. There's professional basketball players who've done press conferences and been like, yeah, the world's flat. Look it up. It's like

being wealthy gives you so many opportunities to be dumb. It's really magical. I think if Elon Musk is going to put a car into outer space, why doesn't he put them all up there? So now that I've given us 10 different spots of dead air that we can edit later, let's get down to business. It looks like the moon is on a path to hit various parts of the planet. Let me explain what we're talking about real quick,

because I got in the middle of a ramp up, and then I detoured. And then there's three glowing wieners. Right, there's three glowing wieners. What we're looking at is the thing that... Thank you, Sarah. So in the process of trying to do the local Thane a favor and bring the College of Roke back

from kind of collapsed for uh for magical reasons uh you saw this guy die and then you went to study you found this uh weird astronomy map and you just sort of tucked it in your backpack you haven't used it yet um but i didn't have a physical copy last week so now you have it now you know the weird stuff that was in his little secret room next to a slice of cake, which he was going to eat as soon as he was done with your meal. His dessert was waiting for him. He had a servant put it there. He'll never eat that special cake that you guys thought was a trap. And so you guys went off on your own with the captain of the guard to the College of Roke in the middle of the night in the rain.

And as you passed out of an alley, you got to the sort of triangle that sort of made up the sort of common area of the college. And lo and behold, there were these 10-foot tall creatures that were about the size and shape of Slender Man. creatures that were about the size of slender size size and shape of slender man that kind of had like muscle tissue and veins and claws growing a few feet out of their arms and legs and they screwed uh they screwed twee up real good when he tried to float in the middle of them and blow a thunder wave into the fire they were yeah they fucking around um And now you guys are mid-combat. You've hacked one up real good. You cast darkness on it to try to stop them a little bit. And as you do so, the rain starts to die down a little bit.

You're mid-combat. Tom, you're up. You're mid-combat. Tom, you're up. You're near the entrance of the triangle. You're by an alley. You've stepped forward a little bit towards the triangle and the fire, but you can do any number of things at this point. You've got three enemies in the darkness.

Do we attack any of them yet? Yeah. Bodhi knocked one of their legs off and swung again. Sounds about right. Swung again, and he thinks one of their robes is on fire. Good. But they're still in the darkness. Robes on fire.

Well, then fire bolts from me. Good old fire bolts. Alright, I am going to check and see how much longer this darkness is going to last. It looks like 10 minutes, so this could go on for a little bit. Why don't you cast your bolts? Holding for darkness. Roll for damage. Holding for darkness.

Roll for damage. Your call to darkness is important to us. Please stay on the line. Darkness will answer the call in the order in which it was received. Giant wipe down map. I don't know. A grid. I don't know if it will fit on the table with all of our McDonald's drinks. I can land it and we can all eat sushi off of me.

Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Shut the fuck up. Please stay on the line. Eight points of damage. Fire bolts. All right. I'm not going to use my towel today because I'm too distracted.

Due to the high number of calls, your call cannot be completed. We were even going to record it for quality control purposes. Sucks to be you, Click. All right. Finally, Blaine's done with that bit. Blaine. Oh, no. I'm not done with it. Roll a 100 to see if I punch you in the face. Ken, Blaine's done with that bit. Blaine. Oh, no. I'm not done with it.

Roll a 100 to see if I punch you in the face. Ken, roll a four-sided. Get it. There we go. Get it out. Three. I'm also right next to you, so anytime you want, feel free to just reach over. Well, we're all last episode.

We knocked, I think, every dice onto the floor that we owned. Cool. So you don't miss. You're firing into the darkness, so there was a chance you would. But you don't. You connect with one of them. Eight fires. Esmeralda, you're up.

eight fires uh esmeralda you're up um so i just cast the last thing i did was cast a catapult was yeah you launched a piece of flaming debris okay so just and just um but we still can't see them in the darkness right no so there's a chance that it will and how far are we from the area? You are about 20 yards away. Bodhi in one turn was able to close the distance and start hacking at it. Okay, I'd like to, but hacking at the darkness, essentially? Okay, so yeah, I'd like to, I guess, get closer, but attempt to get some high ground or in a varied position so I can see from a different angle or whatever.

Okay. That's what i'm gonna do with this turn okay so you're gonna try and get high ground and see if it was so yeah i'm gonna say you know like a yeah i might know something right yeah you um you know that there's sort of like a uh not an awning but like a um sort of like a a like a staircase and then sort of like a... There's a staircase and a sort of raised patio on the other side of the triangle. You have to go around the darkness and fire to get to it.

Okay, I'm going to do that. Okay. Just for now. Cool. Sounds like it's time for me to start drawing a map. Hey, Blaine. I hate to do this to you, but what is this map drawing brought to you, everyone, by? Map drawing brought to you by Rudy's Barbershop.

Why don't you pop on in. Get yourself a trim. Yeah, Rudy's Barbershop. Coolest barbershop in town. Rudy's Barbershop. Coolest barbershop in town. Rudy's Barbershop. Speaking of Marty Allen, I went to see him in Vegas one time. Okay. And at one point in the show, he dresses up like a cheerleader.

There's some bit. Oh, okay. Except the cheerleader costume doesn't fit very well. It's very looser on the groin, and his balls were hanging out. Literally, his balls were flying around. Hell no there. He looked confused as to why nobody was laughing, and many people just looked sad and wanted to leave.

I don't want to see Marty Allen's balls. That's the sound that they made. Last time we were here, I went home, and the next morning... Does that not bug you guys like crazy? I like the squeaking. The hamster squeaking thing? It's traffic, Brian.

It's crazy. Seriously. Dude. Like I'm having a... Put a pencil in his mouth. Is this how we find out that you've got like misophonia or some weird audio thing? Oh, no, but I was shaking.

It's really affecting me. I was turned around while that was happening. Oh, yeah. Do some more and see what happens. Watch what he does. Hey, Brian, I'm really sorry. Look. I didn't know your left leg could spin that fast.

He's not like this. I hate it. I wonder if this is connected to that time when you were younger and you fucked all those mice to death. Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry. I just killed my friend. All right.

So here's the entrance. This is the alley. Here's the triangle. Here's the darkness. Sarah Esmeralda's got to get over here to get to where she wants to go. This is the staircase to the banquet hall. Over here is the blades area. And where I did this squiggle to give Brian an aneurysm, these are the dorms. Way back in here, there's like a tower and stuff, but you're going to have to go around to get there.

Okay. I'm done drying for now, Brian. Oh, my God. Sounded like some tantric rat sex. I hope the mics pick that up because... Yeah, me too. I'd love to hear it again. Hey, Brian, I'm going to maybe need to do some edits

and need your help listening back to parts of this episode. No way. And then we're all going to... Did I give you a bloody nose? No. We're all going to do some modeling and go see Poppy. Poppy. What is that?

Poppy, the pop singer that's very ASMR. No, I don't know who that is. Yeah, she's this blonde. She's got some sort of Svengali boyfriend, but she makes all these. She's big. Is she a Yugoslavian one? I'm not sure where she's from. I have no idea.

Poppy. I'm so glad I know. Just erased Brian's short-term memory. Yeah. So, okay, you're going to spend your turn just getting around? The darkness? Why don't you try asking me that again without the judgmental span on it? All I'm saying is you can...

If you'd like me to... I just didn't know how effective firing a crossbow into a black cloud of nothing it was going to be. It'll take your whole turn to sort of jog around the dark cloud that the three creatures are in. Yeah, that's fine. That's what I'm going to do. Okay.

Just making a note. You just don't want me to die on the other side? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Hmm? No, those are the ones that got sent from Jeremiah. They're metal. They're called Skull Splitter.

Oh, cool. Nice weight to them. Speaking of which, you are up, Brian. All right. You are raging already. Yeah, who am I fighting? One of the guys in the darkness you've just been hacking at. You are up, Brian. All right. You are raging already. Yeah. Who am I fighting? One of the guys in the darkness you've just been hacking at.

How much damage have I already done? I don't know. You're not sure. Okay. But you definitely took a leg off one of them. And what are they? Describe them again. They're humans.

There's three humans. It looks like they're on stilts made of their own muscle tissue. They're a nasty looking. There's some, they, they, you know what they look like? Uh,

Tetsuo in Akira. Oh, okay. Like just, just weird tissue has elongated their arms and legs. Um, and so they were kind of marching in a circle and, uh,

Tui initiated a combat by splashing them with an explosion, and then Tom surrounded them in darkness, and you've just been hacking into the cloud. All right. Well, I will continue to hack away. I'm going to use Herald of Kelmar on this guy. Go for it. That would be an 18.

Yep. All right, roll for damage. Seven plus fire damage. Nice. Okay. nice okay so the creature you've been hacking at all of a sudden thuds out of the darkness and lands at your feet um it's a little taller than you by just just a smidge and you're you're suddenly able to see that you've been you know hacking at its torso as well as its leg it's just bleeding everywhere um and it has this sort of like far gone look in its eyes like it's possessed okay um and it starts uh

you've been hearing these weird metallic kind of screams coming from these things but it kind of looks at you while it's laying on the ground. And it says, biscuits are, biscuits are. Delicious? Biscuits are. Biscuits are. What? Welcome to the biscuits are. It's a robot.

Biscuits are. It's a robot. Biscuits are. It's a robot. Biscuits are. I think this is. Biscuits are. Or you've got another couple of attacks if you want to do something. Man, I really killed you with that marker. You've got a couple other attacks you can go for.

I mean, this thing is at your feet just kind of repeating. It doesn't sound quite as robotic as I may have made it sound. It doesn't make any sense to me. Is there any reason why it should make sense? Biscuits are. Biscuits are? It seems like it's just repeating maybe what it was saying when it was taken. If it was a human that then something happened to it,

maybe this is what it was saying. Number nine? Yeah. It's got weird ridge of bone and flesh kind of sticking out of its forehead. Hack away. Okay. Yep, hit it again.

Roll for damage, please. Excuse me, guys. I've never killed a man before. Doesn't feel good. Sick. Six plus. Plus fire. Yeah.

That'll finish him off. Cool. It's good fire. Fuck you. Fuck you. You got one more attack if you want to oh is there anybody nearby me I mean there's the darkness you

hear just sort of shuffling in it right now all right well I'll move in and slash him with Harold okay so you take a step into the darkness would you roll 20 oh no 19 19 that's a hit

because that's with a... Is that with or without the 19? That was... What do you mean? With that... Without... It was with bonus. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's still a hit, I guess. But close. Six. Okay. It's harder in the darkness. Tweet your rep. okay it's harder in the darkness tweet your up I'm going to I'm going to sort of float up to a safe distance and

just fire a couple of hand bolts into the darkness okay what are hand bolts I always forget fire bolts fire bolts hand bolts I always forget fire bolts fire bolts, hand bolts, whatever I have more of these at level 9 don't I

I think I have more fire bolt? I just want to confirm you meant fire bolt and not some weird sort of iron man blast 2 at 5th, 3 at 11th 4 at 17th then that was 4 that was 4, not a big hit ok Iron Man blasts. Three at 11th. Four at 17th. Okay. Then that was four. That is correct.

That was four, not a big hit. Okay. That's Brian taking me off his Christmas card list for that marker incident. Brian leaving the room to fart is brought to you by Floyd's Barbershop come see what all the buzz is about at Floyd's, Floyd's Barbershop a lot better than that Rudy's place

Floyd's Barbershop do you think Floyd's is an Andy Griffith show reference it's either that or a Nirvana reference is the Nirvana reference. Is it?

It's probably. Is the Nirvana reference any Griffith Show reference? I think it is. So it's probably Nirvana. I think I can give you a haircut. Oh, here we are now. Entertain us. The. I feel like I was unprepared today

I can't compete with the riffs I'm too slow so 60 years old shut the front door Captain Kenwald steps up cautiously and swings his sword in the darkness

and misses Bodhi Benwald steps up cautiously and swings his sword in the darkness and misses. Bodhi? Bodhi. Professor, what's another word for pirate treasure? Well, I think it's Bodhi. You walked into the darkness. You felt your sword connect with something real good,

and you slid your sword out of it. And from that very same spot you feel something slash at you and just does two points of damage. I don't like that at all. Something doesn't like you in the darkness. I don't like it back. I didn't like it first.

Something behind you does another five points of damage As everything Rose just started taking up the tuba That's uh Mario Dark Dark World Is it? It's underground here Oh no it's the castle That's Mario Dark World.

Is it? It's underground here. No, it's the castle. Oh, is it? Okay. So you all notice there are, now that the rain has died down, I'll notice there are, now that the rain has died down, there seems to be no more fire exactly coming from the darkness. You don't hear a crackle anymore. But you do see what looks like little shapes skittering into view from between the buildings of the campus.

There's like four or five of them. They look kind of like people doing a crab walk backwards. Wow, got this. Bunch of Reagans. Tom, you're up. I'm going to cast... Is anybody in front of me to have clearance?

Yes, you have clearance. Although, I will throw you this little bone fella. Yeah? Bodhi's in the darkness in front of you somewhere. Okay. Hmm. The skittering things are not in the darkness, though.

They're coming... Oh, no. They're coming from between the buildings. How long does the darkness last? Ten minutes. Ten minutes, yeah. So I'd say it's been the darkness last? 10 minutes. I'd say it's been going for a solid

2 minutes. Okay. Well, I am going to shoot. I'm going to shoot. I'm going to cast Grease. Where are you going to cast that Grease?

Grease is the word. In front of the skittering skitterers. Alright, well you're going to have to pick a Grease is the word. In front of the skittering skitterish. All right. Well, you're going to have to pick a direction because they're between a bunch of buildings. You're in like a little circle. You're in the triangle. It's like creating a haunted house. Like slippery floors. I cast peeled grapes.

Here, I'll try and paint a picture with just my hands and not a terrifying mind-rending marker. But there's a fog of blackness here. There's the alley you came from back there. And it's building, building, building, building, building, building, building. And between the buildings, you see these things. So from all around us. All around you. Where is the direction Bodhi was in?

Kind of in front of you a little bit. Okay, so I'm going to cast to the side. Okay. That way. Cool. Kind of in the direction Esmer a little bit. Okay. So I'm going to cast to the side. Okay. That way. Cool. Kind of in the direction Esmeralda ran. Oh, did you run?

It doesn't really matter. She's at this point going to be on the other side. I'm not telling you cause you're going to fuck her up or something. I don't want to, I just don't want to fuck anybody up. I just want to cast something that'll slow, slow the other things down. Yeah.

You can do it off to that side. Greasing. Uh, cool. Uh, Esmeralda, you notice as it off to that side. Greasing. Hey, grease, man. Cool. Esmeralda, you notice as you run around, something goes squirt on the cobblestones. A slick grease covers the ground in a 10-foot square. All my casts are a variation of 10.

It's just like a weird obstacle. It's definitely getting complicated around here. I'm going to cast Slippery Tire now. You're up. Oh, no. So I'm on the other side now. You're on the other side, and you managed to get up some stairs. You even are able to kind of hoist yourself up a little bit onto these, these like risers that form a sort of mini patio, uh,

for people who are inside the building on the second floor. And, um, you can't see a whole lot looking down into the darkness, but you do see the tops of, uh, what looks like arms kind of swinging in the black fog. Okay. I guess I'm going to, um to then try to crossbow one of the... Go for it. Yeah. Roll your 20.

I will. Oh, yay. 17 plus my attack bonus, but I don't have, which I don't have here, but yeah, hopefully it is. I'm going to just... For some reason it didn't print on the sheet. Yeah, you have a plus two, so that's a 19.

Oh, yeah, there it is. So 19. Roll for damage. 1d8 plus two. Eight plus two. Ah, wow. Dang. Okay, so thud.

What's that, 15 or something? He sunk into one that looks like it might be swinging at your friend Bodhi, and you hear a little metallic screech as it plunks into him. I think it's Bodhi. Speaking of Bodhi, you're up. Did we talk about the fact that they sound metallic? Mm-hmm. I mean, did we talk about that?

No. All right, I just wanted to note it I guess we thought they might be robots because of the biscuits thing biscuits I think they were serving biscuits at a party okay go swing biscuits are

rubber biscuits 18 that's a hit ball ball ball 18. That's a hit. Bow, bow, bow. Relax. Two. Okay. That's what we call not a ton of damage. No.

You scraped something with the old herald. Why don't you swing again? Sure. I just assumed you wanted to. That thing attacked your tower. Are you really flinched? This episode brought to you by Elderwood Academy, maker of dice

towers that can survive Brian rolling a giant brick through it. Between that squeaking and that dice shooting super jumpy tonight. Well, I know it's because I fucking tortured you. Alright, what was your 20 roll? Seven.

Oh, it was way enough. Okay. This is called your dungeon master trusting you. And then seven damage. Yeah. Okay. So you plunge your sword into this guy, and it sort of leans into your sword a little bit,

and you hear it say, Miss you come. Miss you come. Yeah. it sort of leans into your sword a little bit and you hear it say, miss you. Come miss you. Come. Oh, uh, come on. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. I'm a little bit of a- I'm a little bit of a- I'm a little bit of a- I'm a little bit of a- I'm a little bit of a like there's a weird sort of brain loop coming out of this thing as you kill them.

Biscuits are, miss you come. Biscuits are, miss you come. Biscuits are, miss you come. I don't know. I feel like it's not a puzzle. It's just what they were probably saying when they were doing whatever. Miss you come? I would say that's pretty likely. When they were doing whatever?

Whatever they were doing when they were killed Some of their last memories before they were possessed That's a vibe you get I'll say Alright Biscuits are You got one more attack Number 7 medium Dr. Pepper Number 7 medium Dr. Pepper

16 plus 7 Well that is what they call a hit This thing's already in your sword, so we're going to call this sort of your exit wound. 6 plus fire damage. Cool. You go ahead and sever this thing's spine, and it just sort of folds over.

Miss, you come. Now I feel like we're really doing them favors. No. No, I mean, were they people? It seems like they were. It seems like they were it seems like they were humans and something happened to them tweet you're up damn i feel your world is full of tragedies i'm still mad about the thing i guess i definitely tried to fuck with you guys immediately is uh i'm gonna set to send a couple more fire bolts into just the closest guy.

Okay. It felt like it would have been stunt casting, and it's like Drew Barrymore. It was very, yeah, very much Drew. Is that what you just said? Is that what you just said? Yeah, but we're on the same page. You said Drew Barrymore?

I did. There are a couple people talking. I'm so sorry. What? Why? You're sorry that we have the same thing? No, it's just classic writer's room where the woman says something

and then two minutes later a guy just... I'm going to put it... Oh, screen. I mean, spoiler. Got it. I did that at midnight recently when Tess Rafferty pitched a Pygmalion thing. She goes, we should do it like a Pygmalion joke.

And then I was... Something else. And I go, hey, why don't we do it pitched a Pygmalion thing. She goes, we should do it like a Pygmalion joke. And then I was... Something else. And I go, hey, why don't we do it like a Pygmalion thing? And then, oh, I didn't hear the end of it for three or four weeks. It's like, yeah, but... That's awful. Yeah, it really is bad.

I don't know. Still don't know why we do it. We're good guys if we feel bad for doing that. No, you... There's guys that do that for a living. Sarah seems to believe that it was a coincidence. I think we... Was it great minds?

The re-pitchers of America. Nine. Okay, so Chunk Chunk, you knock a couple into this guy who's left. There's one human male left in this fog uh you know bode's still in there and here comes the capon he's trying to just sort of lean in and he connects this time um and he manages to finish off the human which falls out and mumbles something under its breath and he just kind of walks over and executes it biscuits are come no it's it sounds like it said something about you know uh

i come over here come over here something like that um uh the captain says uh we should keep moving i don't like those things i see in the shadows. Oh, we don't like them either. I love them. He looks to you, Esmeralda, and says, do you have a plan? Where do you think, what is exactly, where should we start? I'm not sure how much time we've got here.

Well, I have some thoughts about where they're most likely to be survivors. All right, well, where do you want to start with that? Sidebar. Dan told me, and I don't remember because it was a while ago. Oh, great. Yeah. You thought that there could be some.

Before we started the game like a month ago. Yeah. In one of three places. Back where you were, the blades section. There's fewer students. So there's a lot of empty buildings. There's also the banquet hall. I repeat all this to everybody everybody so it's coming out of esmeralda's voice yeah and there's some storage rooms underneath the banquet hall that people like to go people like to go

there to smoke illicit substances i bet there are biscuits in the background hall. I'll be taking care of those. Take a cue, biscuits. Esmeralda remembers these three options. I'm going to throw skulls of water at you. Nobody's listening anyway. No, this is nerd poker, unfortunately. Take a cue, biscuits. Get punched by Brian.

There is like a mage tower sort of far back and that's near where the blades uh part of the where the where the eldritch knights train for the school okay and um that's where you think there's this whole empty buildings that people might be in um the banquet hall is where the stairs are you're like literally on the. Should we maybe just start there since we're at the banquet hall area? Or what do you guys think? Sure. As you guys talk, you notice the skittering creatures are out of the shadows. And they're sort of slowly walking towards you. One more thing.

You notice there is... Actually, everyone, why don't you roll a perception check for me? Maybe you don't notice this. I like to be very choose your own adventure I got a 14 I got a 16 17 17 what was this

what were we supposed to roll Brian just slips on the crease I wanted to see you needed a 15 I got a 14 Esmeralda you notice back at the alley where you came from because you got kind of a high vantage point you see what looks like a small human shadow sort of coming in or out coming out from the the entrance alley where you came from. They're coming into the college from outside? Yeah. Okay.

Small human. Okay. We can't see them? No, but it looks almost like a child's silhouette. Is it doing a reference-laden 80s-style comedy with a mullet? Nope. Then it's not Dennis Miller. I thought it might have been Dennis Miller.

No. What the hell? Is anyone close to... I mean, we were all kind of a little... Yeah. Everybody except for Bodhi, who... I mean, Bodhi, are you out of the darkness? Do you step out as soon as you know you killed the third one?

Yeah, I guess. So, yeah, I mean, everyone else is kind of grouped over there. You can kind of call out. Hey, watch out grease you guys or is he just invisible yeah he's flying he's kind of hovering maybe he could just do a loop-de-loop around that um terrifying child that just came in the gate sure i'm editorializing maybe it's a charming well right you you you go over there and you look what looks like a sort of like a street urchin kid. Sort of peeking through the shadows. Tell him to stay out of here.

All for the pool. Okay, I'm going to. And you notice at the end of the alley that the wooden planks that have been kind of lazily placed back up after the captain pulled them down are kind of like falling over a little bit. It's a holoifer from a movie. Is this kid going to eat us? Is this a kid? Street urchin clothes? Looks like he came from the city as opposed to the college.

Does he want figgy pudding? Let's get out of here. He's kind of looking around. Is he looking at me? He's looking at all of you, looking at the monster's corpses. Okay, I make like a massive get out of here gesture at him. He's not really focused on you. Unless you're yelling or something.

I'm going to sort of float down and go, hey, kid. Hey. You might want some bad stuff going on here. yelling or something. I'm going to sort of float down and go, Hey, kid! Hey! Ooh! Some bad stuff going on here. Do a persuasion roll, please. See if you get through to him. 18. Ooh, plus 6.

Plus 6? That's got to be like 39 or something. He says, Will you walk with me? Well, I'm flying, but I can sort of float next to you. Yeah, sure, why not? Where are you going? Why? Do you have a problem? Are you scared?

I don't know where my parents are. They weren't killed right in front of you, were they? Coming out of the opera? Because if they are, boy, you're going to be rich. So rich. Crazy rich. Will I get a cave full of expensive things? Maybe a dinosaur?

Well, you know, and guano. You like guano, kid? I can feel my bats. Well, I don't know. I did fall into a bat cave right after my parents got killed. Do you like to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? So the kid is kind of nervous. You've got to get kind of close to him.

He only seems to move when you get right alongside him. My ankle bracelet gets real hot and tight. Look at him through the scarab. So as you're doing that, the rest of you notice the things that are kind of coming out into the courtyard. There's five of them. Good or worse?

that are kind of coming out into the courtyard. There's five of them. Good or worse? So they're human torsos. And? Yeah. And a human head, but the head is bent way back. Right. And it's all torn up.

It's all just sort of muscle tissue and and no eyelids just eyes leaning back and looking around um and there's no um formal arms there's just sort of just these strands of friday arms there's these there's uh strands of muscle tissue that look like almost like centipedes kind of like walking these things, dragging them across the ground. And then these legs, they're human legs. I just want to kill the shit out of this. Just bare human legs sticking up

in the air. It's like the thing of the ritual. Muscle tissue is like dragging them along the ground and the eyes are looking around and the legs are just sort of sticking up in the air. Guys, guys, guys. Maybe it got it followed. Oh, I saw the ritual.

It's pretty good. That monster is crazy. It was pretty great. So are they attacking or approaching? They're approaching. I'm going to attack it. Are they slipping and sliding? I'm attacking it. A little bit, yeah.

Are you having a fun time? They look like they're just little strands of muscle tissue just kind of slap, drag, slap, drag. They're grotesque. There's like 20 strands on either side of their body kind of just flopping around, dragging around. No, no. So you're going to attack one of them, Tom?

I'm casting a poison spray at them. Okay. Roll for damage, please. Alright. Don't be too close. I'm not going to. They're gross. Drop a die. How fast are they moving? Not very fast.

They're moving at like a walking pace. Twelve. One. I got two. He made his constitution saving throw. Never mind then. This thing kind of just slides off to the side as you spray at it.

To do this, you had to get within 10 feet of it, and it seems to pivot its sort of upside-down head eyeballs at you and on you, and now it's moving at you very fast. I hate it. Perhaps a little faster than a normal walk.

None of the others are moving this fast. Great. Stay on Stand leader. What's looking up that armor class for Tom Doretto? Last I checked, it was 14. 14 it is, and so... Does that change in levels? No, I guess not.

Do a dexterity saving throw, please. All right, then. Here I go. Dexterity saving throw coming up And it's a 20 Wow A handful of muscular

Strands whip at you Like they're trying to grab you And you manage to sort of scurry out of the way At the last possible second And you also catch a baby that fell out of a window What are the rest of you guys doing? Battle axe At the last possible second. And you also catch a baby that fell out of a window. What are the rest of you guys doing? Battle axe.

What you doing with that battle axe? Now you're raised up a little bit. Yeah. Can I get to any of them to cut off some of those weird formal limbs? Yes, you can. Why don't we all roll for initiative? And Tui, you're. Why don't we all roll for initiative and Tui, you're technically not in combat right now. 16 plus

2, 18. 19 plus 2, so 21. What'd you get there, Tom? A 3. A 3, Jesus. Yeah, that's there, Tom? A three. A three, Jesus. Yeah, it's good, right? It's all right, man.

Don't die. Don't die, dude. Anybody watching the Olympics? Plus four to initiative, so I got a seven. Yes, I watched one bit of skating. It's good stuff. Snowboarding. The snowboarding's been amazing. As luck would have it, Esmeralda of skating. Good stuff. Snowboarding. The snowboarding's been

amazing. As luck would have it, Esmeralda, you are up first. I just watch it for the commercials. Not that good this year. I saw Skeletor's dick up at the half pipe.

19? 15 plus 4? That's a hit. Have I ever told the Sean White story here? Uh-uh. I don't think so. So, Doug Benson.

Nine total damage. Great. We, when he was a kid, probably 25 years ago, they did. So he's 31 now. Yeah, that's about right. We did Austin, Texas MTV Sports and Music Awards where it was skateboarding it was big guys like Tony Hawk

and then we had Wu-Tang Clan it was amazing it was a lot of fun we were there for a while and 311 and all these bands and then all these athletes and they did

they had like a snowboard ramp, and they brought snow in and did this whole thing. But one of the things that they had going on was this pro skateboarder called Bob Bernquist and then this kid, Sean White. And Sean White is six years old at the time, and they're both on this giant half pipe, and they're doing this dual thing on the half pipe it was really cool but then they mistimed it uh and bob gardenquist was coming into the half pipe at a lot with a lot of speed and he hit this kid sean

white and it was like seeing this kid get hit by a truck. Oh, my God. And he just slides in the middle of the flat bottom and we all thought he was dead. And, like, everybody there thought this kid was dead. And Sean White's mom came running out. And I'll remember it for the rest of my life and, like, you know, paramedics running and grabbing this kid.

Yeah. And MTV didn't show it forever. Right. And then they did like a lot later it was like extreme you know and it's by that time sean white was already like famous snowboarder but he was one of those kids had one of the rob drydex show and he showed it there probably it's probably shown up on stuff like that before, but it masked me and Ben. I'm sure, yeah.

We were super high watching this thing. We just saw a kid get killed. Ha ha. Oh my God. Yeah. And now he's one of our greatest athletes. Did he recover at that point, or did he just get carried away? He got, well, I feel like pretty quickly we knew he was at least okay,

at least going to live. But, yeah. But they still had to, you know, paramedics had to take him off and make sure his neck was okay and all that. It was really scary. They mobilized him. Yeah. But I can't not watch Sean White and not think of that story now.

I think it's crazy that he's one of our biggest athletes. Yeah. Well, he tested, tried and tested at age six. He already had a ton of talent at age six for him to even be, you know, on the same half pipe with Burnquist. It was crazy. We should do that to one of these monsters. Yeah, let's do it.

Do you guys watch infant curling? Is that where they play or they're the curls? What is that thing called? The puck? I wish they were called the curls. It's not the weight, is it? I think it's a puck. Sarah, you're up.

And I believe you hit call in if you know what the thing is. I hit this call here at 1-800-EAT-SHIT. Not you. Just what it spells. You plunk it into its ribcage and it doesn't die, but it definitely looks like a mess.

It doesn't make a noise, other than the general crunching. That's good. You slam into it. Bode, you're up. Another one of these. Another one of these! I'll up. Another one of these. Another one of these! I'll give you another one of these.

Was I in the middle of it, or am I attacking a new one? Oh, it's not... Well, there's the five crawlers. Yeah, these are the crawlers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You killed the three walkie guys. I'd like to kill five crawlers. I'm starving.

I'm going to use Kalmar again. Okay. They're called stones or rocks in curling. Still like curls? I don't think that's a hit. It was just a five. It sure isn't.

Try again. That would be I'm guessing, 17. Roll for doomage. Doomage. Eight plus fire. Cool. Bodhi, this guy that you're swinging at likes you.

Oh. Do a dexterity saving throw, please. B to 12. Yep. All right. Swing some little muscle strands at you, and you dodge out of the way. Tui, you're up. You got a little kid.

You floating? I'm floating. This kid says he wants to get out. Yeah, he's trying to find his parents. Are there any other kids? Do I get the feeling that this kid is living in the walls or something? You don't know. Filthy, dirty rags.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, where do you live? Where do you need to go? I live in this city. I live in Tinat. Over near the Merchants District. Oh, the rents are crazy over there, aren't they? It is. It is. It's become very objectified.

Oh my god. Yeah, remember what happened to Haight-Ashbury? I don't even want to get near it. There's a Ben and Jerry's right there on the corner. What are you going to do? Got to get me out of here. This is scary. Where do you need to go?

I can't really leave my friends. I can get you to the edge of the block, and then you're on your own. Which way are you going? Will you help me? I don't know what to do. This thing. Hey. This motherfucker. Shouldn't uh... This motherfucker.

I shouldn't have been on the mic. I don't trust him. He calls across the courtyard as he... I don't trust that small child. As he stabs a monster. I don't trust that kid you're with. Hey, I'm gonna pull out a gold piece give him a gold piece hey i hate to hate to pay you off like this this is so cheap but i really have to get back and take more damage from whatever these things uh he says oh wow thank you so much yeah can you just

can you just get me to the get me to the wooden planks over there? I just don't want to be in the dark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can get you to the planks. Please, sir, can I have some more? We're going to hustle over to the planks. Okay. So he continues doing that. He seems like trouble.

The captain runs over to where Esmeralda is, and he doesn't attack. He calls out, I think we should go inside. I don't like what's going on right now. He says, I'll hold the door. I didn't mean to say the Game of Thrones reference. He's like, Everybody get inside. I'll wait for Twee.

I don't like how this battle's going. I feel like we made a lot of noise, and there's a lot of things coming out of the shadows. This is a little not good in my opinion the other three Esmeralda talks over him and goes I think we should go inside

I actually think that his battle is not going he goes I just said that I didn't even hear you but I was just thinking oh I guess. I don't know. I didn't even hear you, but I was just thinking. That was my joke. Okay.

I mean, I guess maybe I wasn't. I just. Can I do a quick, like, do I genuinely think that he is? I'm sorry that I'm second guessing everybody, but. No, you should. I like to be creepy and mysterious. Yeah, everything seems very suspect. Yeah, this kid I don't trust.

Like, it seems weird for a mercenary or a guard to be like, He's not a mercenary. I mean, he's a guard, and he's trying to be more confident than your dungeon master perhaps is. So he says something more along the lines of, all right, everybody, I think this battle's gone south. We started with three guys, and now we got eight.

Let's get inside this door. I don't know. I just rocked this dude pretty. But, I mean, whatever. It's still squirming around at your feet I mean it's so it's up to you guys I will say however that

the other three are all sort of skittering towards the door where there's now two people they're all sort of headed and you're and Captain Kenwald's direction where all the most noise is, basically. There's something in the grease so much. It looks really funny. Everybody roll a perception check. Eleven.

Thirteen. Tom takes a nap Hey what's going on everybody You hear You hear what sounds like Footsteps That's all you hear for now That's all you notice Jesus carry me to the beach again

From everywhere Is he trying to impress Scuffling Scuffling. I don't like that. Scuffling from the shadows. Tom, you're up. Switch stops. I'm up. Yeah. Can I yell that to the group? I attack whatever's in range. What? Yeah, sure.

What happened? Footsteps everywhere. Let's get inside. Everywhere? Everywhere. Let's get inside. Alright, I'll run to where Esmeralda is. I'll use all of my... Use your turn to run. I'll use all of my turn. Got it.

Esmeralda, you're up. Again? Mm-hmm. Well, I mean, you just yelled. I mean, it was kind of... Oh, I thought that my attack was... The dialogue didn't count. I thought...

We haven't... Okay. No, Twee's escorting this young man to the gate. Very gentlemanly. All right, so let's... I this young man to the gate. Very gentlemanly. All right, so I guess we are getting people inside. There's a door, a single door leading inside? Okay, so I'm going to hustle everybody in? Yeah, it's a big banquet hall.

There's mess tables and stuff in there. So is Bodhi with us? No, he's on the other side of the darkness. He's chopping at a guy. Oh. Chopping at a guy. Did he hear when we all were... Once you're done doing your turn, it's Bodhi's turn. Okay, so I'm just going to attack

I guess whatever thing is closest. There's a guy you just chopped at. You can chop at him again. I'm going to try to chop at him again. Yeah. 17 plus 4. Roll for damage. This damage roll brought to you by Rudy's Barbershop down the street from that shithole Floyd's with the bathroom problem.

Why don't you keep walking, come on in to Rudy's, get your hair cut by some professionals. Rudy's Barbershop. Nine total again for damage. Great. This time it kind of splits in half and sort of slimes out in front of you. Stops moving.

Kind of hear like a weird gurgling noise. And Bodhi, you'll be up next episode. Yeah. But as you're about to go up, you guys notice what seems like some more shapes emerging from between the buildings. Like I said, footsteps man. Those fucking footsteps bro.

Well thanks for listening to episode 3 everybody. Anything to plug? It's that mad magazine if you could purchase and subscribe please. Cool. BrianPassine.com for tour dates. Skeletor'sDick.org Skeletor'sDick.org You ever see Skeletor'sDick?

It's Ken's new charity I really don't like Skeletor'sDick.gov and that new food stamps replacement program they've got going You're not allowed to have them on the stamps if you're still alive. It's weird. Well, we'll see you episode four.

Thanks for listening. Bye. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Cino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.