Nerd Poker - Episode 30 - Don't Get Mad

Episode Date: September 5, 2018

It's time to head to the moon, but first the wizard Gendy has to take a crash course in trust and learn about all the messed up stuff that the party has done to get this far. Turns out there's an elephant in the room- an evil god's cloak in Tom's backpack. Hopefully taking that cloak right to the evil god isn't a big deal!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Sam, Lee. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2

And go. Hey everybody it's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. My friends are here There's my friend Chris Sarah, Ken, Dan Blaine, and Sam

the engineer. That's for Samantha. Episode 30. 30, 30. I'm going to swear so much on this one. He's wearing his headset upside down. He's crazy. I'm going to cuss. He's fucking nuts. I'm going to turn my chair around in a minute too.

Bad boy of D&D. D&D. No, he's not playing D&D. He's going to flip it around. He's playing D&D. Follow us on Patreon. Where are our t-shirts at? I always forget. Near Mint Merch. They don't like us. They love us. Sarah, are you going to beat me up?

Oh my god. Yes. This I want to see. BrianPassane.com and my book, Forever Nerdy. Very fucking excited about it. I'm going to be doing a bunch of publicity in October, but you can pre-order it now at the places you pre-order books. I read it.

It's really good. Thanks, buddy. I snuck over to your computer one night, and I started going through it. I mean, I think it was your book. It was a lot of Q-Bert porn, way more than I expected. That's not my book. At one point, he's fucking the purple pig with the two legs. Oh, wait a minute.

I want to buy this book. Brian, I can't wait to buy your book. It was in a Microsoft Word file labeled, this is for my special publication. What's happening? Qbert. Qbert. Really?

Derek Sheen, our friend. Yeah. Hilarious. He read it, loved it. I would read it if I had a copy. I'll get you one. I'd read it. Everybody at this table gets one. I know how to read. Iilarious. He read it. Loved it. I would read it if I had a copy. I'll get you one. I'd read it. Everybody at this table gets one.

I know how to read. I hate reading. I want to read that Microsoft file. I only work in publishing. It's not like I get any perks from it. Well, the one I would have given people, but the reading copy, that's a terrible name for it because I've done three edits since then, and it's so hard to read. It includes when you fell asleep and hit the T key for like 20 hours. Well, there's one where, and it's so hard to read that read the one that we it includes when you fell

asleep and hit the t key for like 20 hours well there's one where and it wasn't my fault there's a lot of typos that are my fault but there was one the publisher they just cut off mid joke and and the chapter chapter ends on a joke and the punchline's gone uh and so uh people that have reviewed the book are reviewing this one which i I'm like, oh, I wish they could have gotten. But our friends have read the PDF and love it. Even though the post-it is spelled wrong every time. Odin Kirk and Sarah Silverman gave me great little blurbs. And Patton Oswalt wrote it forward.

Who? Little fella, King of Queens. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Little fella, King of Queens. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the fat one, the fatter one. No, Kevin James. Oh, Kevin James' brother. I was just tweeting about Odenkirk, too, because of that Van Hammersley sketch that he did

that I was so obsessed with in college. Oh, my God. That is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I lost my mind. I was there losing my mind. I lost my mind. I was there losing my mind. I lost my mind when he, when we edited it. And every time I see it,

it's so funny. Have I told you that like for a writing thing to make me happy, I've had this for almost 10 years, however long there's been Google docs. I have this Google doc that I just go in and i write van hammersley jokes like as if i could get bob godenkirk to do and i just do it to keep myself laughing at my own stuff like if i'm like i don't feel funny today i go into this google doc and i just write a dumb van hammersley tape that he's missing miss a shot and then just clap his hands for no reason but just make that stupid face yeah he's just like there's one time he like snaps both

fingers and does it just to mix it up yeah it's so you're like joking laughing because it's the dumbest thing you've ever said i wrote on that show and i'm the biggest fan of that yeah bob is silly it's the greatest thing ever oh wait here here yeah in run ronnie run i wrote the lines for him to say that uh you know and he's he's doing that shitty british accent through the whole movie and then he says that he was born without an accent that was my way of explaining why and but when he breaks down and says that i lose it every time he's so fucking do you want to do you want to hear one from my top secret never before shared google doc do you want here i'll do it i'll just do a short one uh this one's for numbers uh here i would ask him to play with us but that

would be the first time he's ever said no to me and i and i and i don't want to experience that every time i ask him to do something he says yes but if i ask them to play dnd this will only take a second. Everybody close your eyes, and I want you to imagine Bob Odenkirk in a suit at a billiards table. Missing shots and yelling. Yeah, yeah.

And now imagine I'm doing... Everyone knows that hearing certain mystical numbers spoken aloud have a small chance of killing you instantly. And no one knows better than living legend Van Hammersley. 8,972.863. And down goes a soul to hell. That's it.

I have one for sharks. I have one for mysterious diseases. Do we have some Patreon people to thank? No, we're going to do the other thing. I thought we killed all the kobolds. We did kill the kobolds, but guess who else is playing at Palladino's, you guys? Who? This weekend at Palladino's, we've got Electric Light Swastika

bringing an alt-right flavor to the hits of ELO. Oh, God. We've also got... Hang on, hang on. This is a good one, but I can't find it. You know who was great there last week? I can't believe it's not Badfinger. Yeah, Electric Light Swastika was courtesy of CalicoDad.

Thank you, CalicoDad. Oh, people are actually writing these in. Also, thank you, Wongosos dongo for writing this one balloon knot the all nude slip knot experience thanks wongo dongo oh my god oh oh oh uh this one's bad but it's from a username Blaine's Best Advertisements so I feel like I'll throw him a bone Jerry Duggan's Anti-80s Golf Cover Band for Glitter

Less I think that's supposed to be for Glinishmore I think we should start a GoFundMe to buy you some liniment for the torn muscles in your back

that you stretched. That hurt my back. And a bunch of towels to wipe up all the sweat. This one is the last one I'll do. Sweat up. This is from username Beer Gagos. This just in, Blaine Kapach's Katy Perry cover band,

Tweenage Dream, playing an exclusive show Saturday. Tickets are going fast. He'll be debuting his new song, Firebolt. Unfortunately, one of the pyrotechnics will be aimed at a little kid just for asking for an escort home back in the depression box you know what that would have never happened if they would have been called great wet here's another one to make you feel better from wongos dongo wookie with a faux hawk a tribute to imagine dragons all. So you guys just kind of got out of quite a pickle.

You blew up a whole shitload of kobolds. You escaped a dragon that Sarah used a very special bone wand on. So we should actually talk about that for a second. Sarah. Bone wand. Yeah. Wow. Sing us the bone wand song.

Oh, no. The Unlimited Wands. It's a bone wand song Oh no Unlimited wands It's a bone wand Wands unlimited Unlimited wands So you can now For seven days Try to figure out what the hell

This dragon is doing And This week at Palladino's Fish bone wand And of course doing. This week at Paladino's fishbone wand. Of course, a tribute to a late great NBC news anchor, Savage Garden.

I don't know what that means. And our hour is up now. Thanks, everybody. Apologies to the people who paid for this podcast. Savage Garden. Gotcha.

Oh. You cannot give a patron such a hard time and then turn around in Savage Garden. There must be an all-girl Devo cover band. Shevo?

Yeah. I'm sure there is somewhere. Hey, Portland. Is Shevo currently playing up there? Is there an all He-Man Devo cover, man? Oh, thanks to Both Ears Deaf, the members of Deaf Leopard exclusively covering Third Eye Blind. And the B-53s, it's the B-52s,

except there's a tambourine player. Riley Van. So, yeah, you guys have that whole dragon thing going on with the wand, and also you are kind of outside this fucked-up little mage college called Gantham. There is a big old fungal spire reaching up into the clouds. There is a gate sort of built into the base of it. And you're kind of chilling in Leomin's tiny hut, scoping this out.

The guard of the city, or at least a guard of the city, got toasted by Bodhi. And right now in a little hut nearby, you believe that Gendi, a friendly mage that you guys took with you, is icing Dessa and Master Magnus with paralysis spells. Hey, you know what I just thought about? Yeah. Do we want to bring an extremely powerful god's cloak directly to her in person?

Probably not. Because I feel like we're... Guess what is burning a hole in Tom's backpack? The cloak of Zinzerina. Should we bury that thing here but not let a Dessa know let's give it to the dwarves inside this little shack and it could be magically well right now you're in well you know what you might not know enough about D&D to recognize the Leomans Tiny Hut reference,

but it is actually more of a magical barrier. It's a nickname given to it. You guys are kind of in this transparent bubble that people can't see in or damage. Are we healing anymore, by the way? Yeah, I would like more if I could. I think we were done. I don't think we did everything we could, right?

You can do another round of healing, but more stuff might happen if you spend more time in the hive. But isn't Typha also a healer? Not that I'm aware of. I'm a battle cook. You can go through some of... You might be able to forage and cook something up.

You've got some rations you can dole out to everybody. 19. That's good. Everybody just got another 19, but that also means that some time has passed. Is that a spell that you had to use a slot for? Yes. So I have to relearn that one.

I'm done healing, I'm just relearning. Typha, you have the option to spend an hour cooking everybody a meal. Could I be doing that while he's learning his spell? Yes. Without having to add any more time,

but just covering, uh, uh, but it's going to, an hour will progress in your adventure. You will have, an opportunity to roll two D six plus four for everybody's. I don't need a long rest to get our spells back or no.

Yes. I'm just talking about for, he's, uh, she is making you a meal. I just meant talking about for... She is making you a meal. I just meant for me and for... A healing meal. I just... I don't think

we have enough time for a long rest to get our spells back. Some stuff will definitely happen before you can complete a long rest. You're in dicey territory. That helped. More than half. Roll your d6s. Hey guys, I found some

great kobold meat. So that's two. You only got two, but it's plus four. Plus four, so a total of six. So you guys can all add a six. It could have been much higher, but it wasn't. Kobold meat turns out gamey. And so

in the time that it took, basically master gendy just comes over and is like uh all right they're out i think i bought us three days from them they you know they're in a state of magical paralysis that doesn't require food or drink but um i've hidden them too so hopefully i don't know if those dwarves or if anyone else around here is breaking into huts and stealing stuff, but they shouldn't be findable. Cool. Let's pick a good place to bury this cloak. And she says...

How about the big W? Cloak? She doesn't know about it? No. Yeah, so let's not do that in front of her. Well, we didn't. She says no. Cloak?

No. No, where are we going to bury our cloak? It might not be a bad idea to have this conversation in front of her. She's already part of everything now, and she might be able to help us. Well, what if her eyes light up and she takes the cloak and then becomes a super witch? I mean, she almost died fighting everything with us.

So I feel like at this point, you know. Do we have a discussion and we decide to tell her? I think we accidentally just told her and now we just double down on it. We're going to marry Cloaca. I mean, if you want to say that didn't happen, I would make you do a roll to see if she overheard anything at this point. I think she just... She's coming back pretty quick.

I mean, we probably need help anyway hiding it magically somehow, so... Yeah. Let's see what she says. What do you tell her? And she knows how dangerous it is, so... Yeah. Well, Magnus knew we had it, right?

Didn't he? Nope. No, no one knew. You kept it pretty secret so Dessa wouldn't find out Okay So I'll say all Master Gendi heard was cloak And that you guys are talking about a cloak I said toke

Do you want to take a toke? She says yes And then says what about that cloak? Are you good at identifying magical items? Because we have different items. I am very good at it. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

But yeah, you guys know what it is. Hmm? No, I know. I'm slipping out of Genndy. You guys know. You're pretty sure she would be able to tell you much. He was just making conversation. Yeah.

Wait, what do you need? OK, I think, can we just agree that we're. I show her my gray alive robe, and I go, this is the cloak I'm talking about. Yeah. She goes, oh, yeah, okay. Can I have that just for a moment? Have it? You can look at it.

I'm going to look at it. Yeah. So... No cloak. Is Pepsi okay? Hey, Bodhi, do a deception hey, Bodie, do a deception. Bodie, do a deception roll real quick. Difficulty 10.

Sam will pull that up. You get a plus zero. Is Pepsi okay? Yeah, you get it. So she, she takes it and she looks it over and she says, there is the, uh, I don't know if you think it might have even told you this already there's the soul of a dragonborn warrior in this cloak oh yeah uh you don't know what to do with it is that the problem i think if you uh tried to attune yourself with it you might be able

to speak directly to it and then what would it do i mean it's possible that wearing it would give you some sort of access. You know, it might. I don't know what it is. I mean, you could let me hang on to it and I can try. But when I put it on, didn't it? Didn't I get a weird feeling and lose some points? Attuning means you have to spend some time dealing with it or whatever.

So she's saying you can figure it out if you had the time. She's like, I can figure it out. You can figure it out. Whatever you want. Yeah, later. But thanks for looking, though. Did you ever figure out what this sword was as long as we're talking yeah it's like a ocean something it's imbued with power of umberly which is uh i mispronounced the last two episodes ago but like it's uh it's basically a sea goddess and it it has an ice attack um you're

not entirely sure because you've only gotten one hit off with it, but it looks like there's a chance for a bolt of ice to shoot out of the end of it when you connect it with somebody. If nobody wants to share the information about the thing, then I'm just going to abdicate responsibility for that. I think we should talk to her about it, but if other people don't agree,

then they can cart it around. Well, we were talking about that. Let's ask her. You're down to one NPC with you guys. You had four with you a moment ago. If she turns evil, I'll kill her. Okay, fair. So I'll say, Esmeralda, what do you tell her?

Don't get mad. Okay. We thought in our attempts to figure out what how to stop what was going on we did get a hold of Zinzerina's

cloak she immediately presses fingers to her temples and closes her eyes and shakes her head I said don't get mad she's like doing her best do a to her temples and closes her eyes and shakes her head. She's like doing her best. Do a, call it a good old persuasion roll, Esmeralda.

We trust you and that's why I'm coming to you with this. 16. You get a plus two to persuasion. Did she hear me say that we're telling her because we trust her and she's been. I mean, that's a great pitch and you're gonna roll for it six total all right so she says she she says i'd love to hear more but first i have three things i need to say to you one how the hell have none of you been enthralled or affected by this thing if you have a god's artifact you should all know and maybe you won't believe me there's a chance it has altered your ability to see reality and you have done things that you don't know have happened. Two, I need you to give me this cloak.

Three, I need you to tell me how you got it. The answer to three is that we're awesome. General badassness. I can serve that up for you right away. I think we're going gonna have to discuss on the other two points we were doing it to to get it away from well we were concerned that yes it was going to be used as a weapon of some kind in this whatever battle is going on nobody believed us when we were you know trying to explain that the world was ending so you know she nods and we're

purposely keeping it away from Tessa. We didn't want Tessa to get a hold of it. She's like, good call, good call. Glad you didn't say anything to her about having her dead god's personal effects with you. Yes, also when we were in the process of getting it, there was a drow involved. Like an assassin.

I think it might have been. She puts her fingers to her temples again, closes her eyes and starts shaking her head. We killed it. She says, okay. That was Jeff. She says, there's not any written record of what's down in that cave.

So I'm sure there's certain things you saw that no mortal has seen in centuries. Um, I'm a little concerned. You guys are compromised and you are cool. She, she looks at you and say that and goes, Oh sure.

You're cool. You're cool enough. She's like, you're cool. Honestly. Um, I could still be persuaded to let you hang onto this cloak because these are very dire

times and I'm merely trying to pitch myself as a better guardian than y'all. It's strange that you didn't sense it. We were going to think that we were going to maybe get rid of it before we went to Zinzerina or at least hide it before we went back.

Get a locker at this event. Well, she says a couple, a couple of problems with like burying it and stuff. This is not a sentient object, but it is a part of the will of the God. So if it wants to be brought back to what's left of the god or a follower of the god it can will itself out of you know the ground it's also probably indestructible uh for most ways that any

of us know so we can't destroy it and also it can trick you into doing things pretty easily, depending on how strong your wills are. So if any of you have like ingested suspicious stuff, Hey, or you stuff is fresh. Uh, but she says there's, there's a chance.

Some of you are, are not perceiving reality correctly because this cloak is willing you to do otherwise. All of us? You think it really would control all of us? She said, all I ask, before I insist one more time that you entrust me, you know, I'm in my 50s. I'm an experienced mage. I know my way around magical objects.

Thank you so much i'm glad you said that um especially because all my hair was recently burned off from acid but um she says that but you know it's summertime so it's fun oh my god i'm glad you get it it's a good time um good idea to get a summertime dude there is just a moment i'd like all of you to take and hear me out, hear me out. Think back since you've, you've, you've gone and gotten this cloak.

If you have done anything suspicious that seemed like a bad idea and you did it anyway, and consider whether maybe the funny feeling you had about whether you should do it or not was because it was actually obviously much worse but the danger was was lessened because the cloak made it seem illusion wise less so did anybody i don't remember. Is she talking about when Tui and I took the ingested? She was saying ingested. Yeah.

There was one option she threw out there before Typha cried out, how dare you? Can you give us a moment in the hut here to discuss? She says, of course, of course, and she walks out. Huddle. Huddle up. But she's pacing nervously outside the hut and she clearly trusts you guys because

you know I mean she does know more about this frankly than probably any of us do however um but isn't she coming with us like wasn't the whole idea we shouldn't bring the cloak to the moon?

Well, that's what we were asking. Let's ask her that. But if her solution is let me bring the cloak to the moon, then why don't we just keep it where it is? Right, maybe she's not saying that. How did she not sense it on any of us? How would she sense it? We wouldn't have sensed

it, right? Detect magic. Detect magic. If all of you would like to do some soul searching where the DM gives you some sweet-ass secret hints, I would like everybody to do a good old-fashioned perception roll, difficulty 20. Ooh, this is my specialty. That and lamb chops. Oh, 19.

With your bonus? Oh, not with my bonus. What's your perception bonus, Tui? It's a plus 2, so 21. Great. 19. Where'd you get Bodhi? Roll it up.

It's exactly what some listeners may have guessed. No. He tried to figure out what was going on. I know. I'm really excited oh sorry chris it's a bad role um tom yeah uh you think back at all the silly ass things you've done and you think a couple of things about your your adventures uh and you rolled real well so you're you're able to um get kind of fuzzy uh hints at a couple other people in your party who've done some things that could be questionable and gotten them in some uh some

sticky wickets um first of all you get a vague feeling yeah tweeze had a couple of weird moments and you get another vague feeling as moral does had a couple of weird moments and then you think about yourself and you think about yourself. And you think, you know, I did pretty good about sticking to my guns when I met that dryad disguised as Nettie. But I did spend a lot of time alone with her. And I got suckered until that quaggoth told me it wasn't her. That was before we got the cloak, wasn't it? Yeah. It was before and after.

Okay. So part of you goes, what if that dryad knew something about the cloak because I got so close to it when I had it in my bag? And that's all you get okay and i would say you would probably share this with everybody yeah he got some he got more right um and you got over 21 right no i got 19 19 okay well then i gave you too much information you realize all that. In addition to that, because I totally just gave him some beans he didn't earn, you think a couple of things.

You think it's possible if this god had artifacts down here, it's been changing the will of everything that's happened from the very moment that the messenger found you in that bar and asked you to come to that castle in Tenet. You feel like certain objects may have been guiding the course of everyone's actions. And also, you think Tom has done a couple of questionable things since this has started that might have meant that he was compromised by the power of this cloak. And you think Esmeralda has done a couple of questionable things. In addition to, I don't know, get this

weird gut feeling that maybe you did a couple of weird things that you wouldn't have otherwise done if this cloak hadn't been fucking with you. Like the kid. No, that was a long time. Oh, yeah. That's right. That was all me. That's something you would have was all me no but you know what you do

you do get it sort of a shitty feeling like this god has been manipulating events and you were put a bunch in the middle of a bunch of demons you can't pin him down but you feel like you may have made a couple of moves where this thing could have been fucking with you does this thing feel cursed

because it seems to be planting doubt and power industry is powerfully evil role percept or no no no no role in our can it check tweet I mean we've been difficulty 20 ignoring that we have it so because you don't yeah 17 so that's it now you can't tell you can't tell us before your bonus right which of those you can't tell without taking it out and holding it. We eat all of your... But you know there's a risk if you take it out and hold it.

What kind of risk? When I grabbed it, I made my wisdom saving throw, but it shocked me. And he went on that I was a real lucky son of a bitch. Yeah, we had to use the mage hand to like get it in the pack at all i mean let's ask maybe let's just ask jindy did she mean keep it and she stays here did she mean keep it and she travels with us we know it's a bad thing it's not like we're you know we think it's so great but we're bringing her into full confidence i mean

she's there now already so as bodhihi said, he's going to kill her if she, you know. If she turns. If she turns. If she touches it. Right? If she touches it, she's going to get... But, yeah, I mean, I'm not sure what else our... Because our options are

she, again, she knows more than we do. We were going to just try to bury it or something. And she's probably right that it's too powerful to just dig a hole for but we can't i mean if if this hole is pacing outside waiting for you she can smoke another cigarette but if but if evil god has been manipulating events to make it so that basically this cloak gets back to this evil god then the last thing we should ever do is bring this cloak to the moon with the evil god. I'm not sure I totally believe

that that's what's happening, but we do have that question. I didn't turn it over. I did it for the discussion. Yeah, yeah. All right, so... Want to take a vote? That's the way they did it

in old-fashioned times. Well, I don't even know where to vote. I mean, are we just... What, before the Russians started hacking our elections? Well, let's bring her in. She asked for three things. She said, do some soul searching.

Give me the cloak and tell me how you got it. And you did some soul searching. You told her how you got it, but you didn't decide whether you're going to give her the cloak. Well, let's see what her plan is. Still haven't. Well, let's talk to her more about it. Yeah, let's see what she's got. All right, so you guide her back in to Leomans when he reaches in and yoinks her.

And she says, what do you guys want? You tell me. If you took it, what was your plan? She's like, step one, I would like it not in your guys' hands just because I'm a scholar and we would go from there. We can have a discussion. I'm also a scholar.

She goes, oh, excuse me. I'm a spice scholar. She gets a little sassy and then she searches her own memory, and you see her kind of get a little humbled by you, and you think it's maybe because you have kind of sassed her before about how you got the bone wand. You've used the bone wand against a dragon successfully,

and she's like, oh, fuck. Yeah, well, so our question is, if we gave it to you, would you stay here with it or would you bring it with us and then why if you're carrying it i mean she thinks isn't it a bad idea for us to we thought it would be we were thinking about excuse me bearing it because we thought it would be a bad idea to bring it with us to zinz Arena. She says, I don't know. We can talk about it either way. I just kind of want it. I don't want it to...

She sees you shaking your head and she's like, look, I got it. Well, I don't like... Yeah. A very good chance of resisting it. I'm not going to touch it. All right. That feels like it's already doing its powers on you that you want. Doing its powers.

Well, you know what I mean. She says, I do know what you mean. If you're concerned that I shouldn't go with you where you're going, which I'm guessing is to the goddamned moon. No, I'm saying. I'm game to stay here with it and consider it my burden.

I'm more concerned of just handing it over to you. Why don't you help? Here's what would be a good solution. Why don't you help us construct some type of temporary, magical holding place for it?

Like a cloakroom. Yes, precisely. And we'll put it there. Then we don't have it, so you're happy. You don't have it, so we're happy. Nobody has it, and we're not taking it directly to the dead god it belongs she kind of like it's like what are you talking about like i i mean we we at the mage tower had

to spend a lot of time imbuing special like it's not ideal but we have to make do with what we have right now all right if you give me about a year, I think I can construct something that will keep this God's personal cloak away from people. Well, we've just been carting it around, no problem. So I feel like if you really knuckle down and work on it, I know. Sarcastic and shitty. Like, we don't have a year. She's like, I mean, I don't mean to be sarcastic and shitty,

but just a quick FYI, y'all's super sarcastic. And she says, look, you don't have to give it to me and I will still help you. I am just very concerned that you guys have already done some sketchy stuff and are unaware of it. already done some sketchy stuff and are unaware of it so if you're fine with that despite a magic scholar telling you that we can proceed all right as is we should give it to her what is the advantage to giving it to her i don't see any there's no reason to give it to her no i think we give it to her and she puts it on and turns into a monster and then we have to fight her. She says, look, these are all legitimate. I just want you guys to do yourselves a solid.

If at any point you hear your friend Jendi say, guys, the cloak is doing this, you will consider the possibility that I am right. That's fair enough. I think that's fair. Yeah. Okay. So now we're on the same page.

The concern is that we're bringing it with us still. Yeah. But if she claims that we can't. If she doesn't think it's a concern. She says, I find it so insane that you guys got this thing. This thing that was never meant

to be found, nor taken out of its hiding place. And she says, forces of good hid this cloak. Good gods and good warriors and good wizards. It was on a giant shrimp. It wasn't good down there. It was pretty evil.

No, I mean, she's right. We just thought we saw it on a map and we were like, we should be cool if we went and got that. We didn't really take it much farther I think even Dan was surprised we're playing a game called D&D it was a dungeon

we did it because it seemed like a fun D&D thing to do it was I had a good time we all had a good time we didn't have to battle anybody to get it we had to deal with good guys to get it mostly even had to deal with good guys to get it, mostly. Even though they were creepy little stars.

I would say you also all did enough soul searching to realize that though you encountered some things that appeared evil, they also appeared that could have been neutralized and not necessarily actively evil so much as imprisoned or enslaved by good forces.

They were being used. Anyway, we probably ultimately shouldn't have done it, but what's done Actively evil so much as imprisoned or enslaved by good forces. They were being used to, yeah. Anyway, we probably ultimately shouldn't have done it, but what's done is done. So, you know, we just got to. She says, I'm now going to cast detect magic. It is in your pouch. Yes, Tom?

What? This cloak. What cloak? Sorry, I haven't been paying attention. She says, I'm going to cast detect magic. I just want you to know that's what I'm doing. We've not met before. We have not had time to share anything.

Is this your watch? She casts detect magic. She goes, ha ha ha ha ha. I am now going to cast detect evil. And she says, ha ha ha ha ha. And she says, well, I believe you. So, are we ready to go? I don't like her laugh.

I was like, that was Dan's. Yeah, that's Dan. Okay, let me see if I can do more of a bettering character one because that was kind of just me being stiff. It was more of a... And then a... Okay. I like it a little more.

So basically, we're giving the cloak to Ted Knight. That'd be awesome. She's worried. But she believes you. Wasn't sure what your game was. One row. We solved no problems.

You did stop her from grabbing his backpack and running into the forest, I would say. By talking to her about it, we solved no problems. We thought maybe i mean you let her i mean now she knows to protect it right i guess that's she she says uh would you consider at least letting me cast a couple of spells against your bag that's literally what i just i mean but she's like told me it would take a year she's like well it won't be very safe but

i know i said it's not ideal but it's something. I'm okay with that. Yeah, yeah. I watch her very closely because I want to see if I can learn how she's doing. You guys got to work your shit out. She says, I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but I would consider a couple of things. One, Dessa maybe didn't trust you because she knew you had it. The dragon found you because it had a hunch that you had it. I'm, you know, surprised I didn't't notice but maybe it didn't want me to notice maybe it wanted me to not know it was there because it wanted me to guide it to dessa so uh here we go and she waves her hands a couple of times and she says okay i believe if uh evil forces tom try to say cast the two spells i just cast to verify there was a terrifying and ancient evil power in your bag,

they will not be able to do so. That's about it. That's something. That's enough. If they're powerful, they might know better spells. It's a start. And remember, Tom, a good password has upper and lower case letters and at least one number. letters and at least one number.

You guys all see that there are no moving living things between you and the fungal spire right now. Let's do this. Good time to get a table. Let's get on the list. Let's get a fast pass. You're going to head over?

Yeah. I'm perceiving. I'm checking, making sure. Why don't you everybody do a quick perception check and I'll tell you exactly what you see

ooh I got a natural 20 really plus my bonus you make me feel like a natural so everybody get ready to go this is

this is this is really just a museum walking tour that you're going to hear through Typha's eyes I got 26 nice

Jesus well a couple of you just fucking crushed it. Not this guy. Alright, Bodhi. Not very perceptive. You realize your boats need new laces. Your boots. Your boats. He calls his boots boats. And he's a tall fella. The cloak is working on Dan.

I'm just all of a sudden I'm just drunk. So you guys walk into Gantham gantham uh is an elite mage school with very few students and you see a couple of crumbled dormitories where students used to live near where there was probably a mage tower at one point but there is now a giant pulsating yellowish green tower yuck it looks like a jack-in-the-beanstalk vine with mushrooms growing out of it, and there is a large organic gate. And the gate seems to part

just right down the middle, except there are no handles and there are no holes. There are just what appears to be two giant clawed handprints right in the middle. So we gotta get a giant hand, cut it off, and put it in the prints.

Well, could it work for elves? Could it work for elves? Well, you do notice, as you look off to the side, thanks to your amazing perception roll, there are a few dead demon people

with a bunch of spears stuck in them. Do any of them have hands resembling the... They do. Let's get them. Get some hands. Chop, chop. Guess what happens. You chop off a left hand and a right hand.

Give it a shot. You just press them right in there, and the door's open. What? However, as the door is open, Gendi says, this is interesting. I can't see through there. Can you? And none of you can see what is on the other side.

It's just kind of just this shimmering membrane. And she says, I can tell there's not a solid object there, but I think that's a sort of portal. Once we step in there. Yeah, it's like an elevator. Oh, is that the thing that we threw up? No, this is a... No, but she says this is a gate.

I believe once we are inside, we are in a different place. I don't think we're... I toss like something in there. It goes... Up? No, it just disappears. I think it looks like an elevator, but it's more magical transport. Yeah, I mean, it's sort of pink and it looks

like it's thin. It's just kind of waving in the breeze a little bit. Okay, are we ready, guys? Fall into the gap. You gonna jump through? You gonna run through? Here's one thought.

Do we want to use the other portal wand, not the current one, to set a portal here if we need to get back quickly or we find ourselves... We're at number four, right? Yeah, we can't use the one that we already used. No, you've kind of got one that's on pause

for 20 more hours. Okay. ourselves. We can't use the one that we already used. No, you've kind of got one that's on pause for 20 more hours. But we could use the other one to set a portal here so that then if we get somewhere that we want to get out of, I don't know if it'll work, but it might give us an escape route if we needed one. Mm-hmm. Just a thought.

That's smart. So is that what's going to happen do we want to do it maybe not right next to yeah there's a dorm nearby you could go in and just kind of find you go in you find a bedroom

on the first floor where students have long since abandoned this building and you can kind of just cast it so you do great so and there is a portal. You head back to the crew. You see the gate, the membrane. Let's do it.

Ready? Are we going to hold hands, or are we going to go one at a time? Gendy says, I'll go first if you're looking for a show of trust. Great. I push her. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. You put a hand on her back and then pull away, and she goes, eh.

And, yeah, she walks through. Follow. Esmeralda, you notice when you walk through, and presumably everyone follows, you are in what looks like a room that's made of fungus. You are not on the moon, you think. With turkey cheese? You get this weird vibe that you're

inside the spire. Maybe you're higher up where it's thick. Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing, dude? You scared the bejesus out of me, Rose. And he came in and dabbed. But like he whipped the door open. What?

Are you in trouble? No. Oh, okay. Love you. Bye. No. Oh, okay. Love you. Bye. Say hi to the listeners. All right. He's shy again. Oh, okay.

Here's a tune with Meat Move. I love it. I'll see you in a little bit. Good night. Good night, Rhodes. Good night, Rhodes. Night, Rhodes. Night, Rhodes. goodnight night rhodes night rhodes um

you know i'm not being on the podcast okay i know well i was just gonna uh close that door all the way how he used to like introduce he doesn't want to do that anymore because he doesn't want fans because he hates my fans because because they interrupt us at disneyland and at

king tut and wherever we go so he doesn't want people to like him that's kind of a good message though if you guys are listening leave me the fuck alone at king tut no but seriously. At Disneyland. I think that's a pretty legit thing for any public figure to be like, hey, if you see me at Disneyland, give my family some space. Yeah. No, I don't. Wait till Brian's off buying his sody pop by himself and not when he's in the middle of the teacups.

Or holding his hand. Yeah, anyway. Have him sign your tits at Book Sue. Not at Space Mountain. Yes. Show him a little respect. Have him sign your tits at BookSoup. Not at Space Mountain. Yes. Show him a little respect. Give him some distance. Don't be a space invader.

I'm sure people were wondering why he hasn't done that lately, but that's why he doesn't. Yeah, yeah. So he's trying to sabotage your career, but for good reason. No, I'll still talk to people and sign their tits.

No, it's sweet. She's trying to their tits. No, it's sweet. She's trying to get you out of it right now. That's hard. You're making three copies. You enter a room and it's big. So you think you're in like a thicker part of the spire. You're not sure. Or maybe the only reason the portal.

It's possible. Three Cs. Because you look behind you and you're like, the gate's the same size as the door I walked through. But it looks bigger than it was before. But you're like, it could just be bigger on the inside

and that's the only reason there's a portal. It could be if you were to stick a sword through this wall, it would stick out and everyone would see it and it wouldn't be that big a deal. But as everyone comes through, you kind of get a lay of the land and it is round and it does kind of remind you of being in the lobby of that mage tower a while ago and uh there are uh sort of big pulsating lumps kind of like uh in in various spots around the ridge of this thing and um there is a ceiling It's about only 10 feet up. I feel like Bodhi could almost bop his head on it,

and there is kind of like a protrusion at the back of the room and another sort of door there. So you guys all follow Esmeralda, and you see this. And I'm following Jendi. So it almost looks like there's big beanbag chairs along the edge of this room. What is it, pulsing things? It's like clumps of fungal tissue, and it's kind of like writhing.

It's like a beanbag chair that's alive made of mushroom tissue. Let's just ignore all this and keep going, right? I hate this club. So you get closer to the next door, and again, there's just no handprint, but there's no knob or anything obvious. Just based off of all the cooking stuff, I feel like I would have a nod of like mushroom fungi stuff. I don't want to touch anything.

Can I tell anything about this stuff or is it just poison? Yeah, give me a perception. Tell me what your number is. Poison badness. 14. You know, it's magical, organic, and would probably kill you if you ate it. But there's nothing nothing inside of it.

You're not sure. It's unlike anything you've ever seen. The important thing is don't eat it. I'm way ahead of you. Could there be a fork or what? When you get close enough to this door, you see right in the middle of it. There's no obvious hinge. There's no sort of middle thing where

it will part like the last one did Star Trek style uh instead though there is um what looks like four little holes it's four little holes like the claws on that thing's hand no but they're finger sized do they seem like anybody's fingers that we know? No, because they're not like finger shaped. They're holes. So like you could say take four of your fingers and go stick them in there. What does Genndy think? Or you could take four pencils and stick them in there. What does Genndy or Genndy think? Genndy Genndy says this is a magic door and it opens somehow and those holes are involved.

Nice. How about a mage hand let's kind of try a mage hand fingers in there see if anything happens you're gonna go for it yeah great so the mage hand appears the mage hand sticks fingers in there and uh how many fingers you going all four yeah four fingers go in and the door disappears, and you see a very small room that is exactly the size you would expect. And inside there is what looks like a sort of wooden square jammed into the side of the room. Hmm.

A wooden square? Like a window? No, it's like a flat panel, like the top half of my laptop. It's about the size of this. A square, not a cube. It's not a box or anything. Exactly. It's like the top half of my laptop except made of wood.

And it looks like it's been kind of ground into the side of a wall of this tiny chamber. A chamber about the size of the room we're in right now. Like a control panel? It could be like a control panel? It could be like a control panel. Or a door. There are very elaborate carvings on this thing. Arcana?

Example carvings, yeah. Sure, you can do an arcana check, Tom. Anyone who wants to do an arcana check is welcome. But tell me your numbers, and I won't tell you what happens until you give them to me. 22. 19. You notice something you don't until you give them to me. 22. 19. You notice something you don't. Anyone else want to roll?

No. So you can beat a 20. I got a 12. Does that count? Hell no. Esmeralda, as you approach, I'm going to see also. I'm going to try to perceive, too, even though I'm usually bad at that. You did way better than Genny she's embarrassed

Esmeralda's totally looking at it wants Genny to see that she's figuring it out yeah and the whole time you notice this and describe it to the party she just kind of like her shoulders droop more I get a 13 is that you need to beat a 20 I respect her I just like you know

we have a little it's like professional rivalry and i want to learn from her also okay go ahead yeah and you realize there are a number of ways you could slide your finger against carvings here and it's meant to sort of encourage gestures of your hand against the wood and you think the fungus is going to react somehow once you press your finger in these carvings and swipe your fingers around but it almost looks like a maze so when you look at it it's got paths your fingers can follow but they all involve making tetris block like paths in the wood um and you

also get the sense that as soon as you do it something's going to happen to that door behind you so it might be everyone is either in or out for this. Well, I share that information and then I guess... Pile in. But then we don't know what swipes to make. Pile in and swipe the slots. You'd have to do another roll

to try to figure that out. And Jendi says she'd be willing to look at it with you. I think Tui also because he has the Mage Hand too. Right? Tui, you should do has the Mage Hand too. Right? Tui, you should do it. You don't get to roll again. Okay, so I do another roll.

Tui's going to roll. Jendi's going to roll. Oh, this time Jendi's got an idea of what to do. 14 this time. What'd you get? I got seven. So Jendi's like, alright, I don't think

it matters if we use the mage hand or not. She says, I think the more gestures we make, the farther we're going to go from this location. And we want to go all the way up. But depending on how we make the gestures, we could end up somewhere else.

And I'm not getting a very P3. She also says I'm not getting a very linear vibe from this thing, which kind of weirds me out. So I don't feel like this is an up or down elevator. I feel like this is a multiple locations kind of elevator. Well, I'm sort of running out of options, right? When it comes to the whole world ending thing. Is there like some sort of something that looks like a something at the end of each of these paths?

She says, yes. I think you want to complete a gesture. And actually having multiple ones of us try to do this at the same time might be good. If we want to go as far as possible, maybe we get like, she's like, I don't know, maybe only five of our hands will fit in here at once, but we all try to put like two fingers in two starting points and finish the path at the same time. It will get us as far as possible. If that's our goal,

if that's our goal. But she's like, other than that, I mean, if we do it in a weird way, we could end up in a random place. And if we, if we all do really well on,

let's say an Arcana roll while we're doing it, then, uh, you could get to a fireplace. You could get to a fireplace. What's an Arcana roll? Well, it's got like some frosting on it.

Do you like sushi? Yeah. I thought it was just California roll with spicy tuna on top. Two fingers up your ass. That was the mayor. Two fingers up your ass. That is what she's proposing. Four people do an Arcana roll basically. Together.

Whoever has the plus four. She volunteers herself and says, if you let me do it, I get a plus seven bonus. I've got a plus four. I have a plus five. I have a plus four bonus. I've got a plus four. I have a plus five. I have a plus four. It should be her and you three, right?

It sounds like it. It's going to be your total number that I'm going to put into this spreadsheet. 22. Good luck. She got a 21. 14. Bringing it home. Es got a 21. 14. Yeah.

Bringing it home. Esmeralda. Here we go. Well, and the good news is that, uh, uh, Jendi and Tui did magnificently.

She, that you, you got, you feel Tui as you do this, you accomplished something in the way of learning how this spire works. And the second you all put your fingers in, you hear the gate behind you go kind of...

And you're in a very small room together, and it feels very stuffy. And as soon as you're done with the gesture, a mere millisecond later, you feel a great humming, and you all start getting shaken around. Great, we're in a dog mouth. When you pull your fingers out,

the door behind you is open. Yay. And let's go out the door. I perceive out the door. When you look out the door, it's a room very similar to the one you were just in, except now there are three different doors you can go through.

Guys, there are three doors now. And you notice there are weird lumps on either side, almost like accompanying each of the three doors. And there are metal spikes sticking out of all of them. As in like weapons are sticking out or more? They almost look like teeth. Hmm. Teeth.

Are we in a dog's mouth? I mean, we did discuss wanting to blow up these tethers, but I do think at some point, but we also needed to see what was going on. We thought they were going to be like tubes that we traveled up that we could just like lodge a bomb in. Shandy says, well, it definitely feels like we're in some kind of tube.

Yeah, so. Can we perceive whether the teeth are a trap or a control or something? Yeah. I'm going to have, if you guys want to learn about the teeth, everybody do a. Examine teeth. This is going to be an investigation roll. Difficulty 020.

Investigations? Difficulty 20? Yep, 20. Hot damn. No. You get the sense that these are both some sort of defense against intruders, and they open the door.

Oh, so you do it right, open the door, you do it wrong, and you get stabbed. Sure is what you feel. Yeah. Three doors, one directly across from the chamber you're exiting and then one you're right on your left excuse me for interrupting which door should we let them to try you seem to know more than the rest of us so you know go with your gut this is the closest door well jendy uh muses about the shapes of the doors because they do look a little bit different the one uh across from you seems to have uh not a not a normal shape it's got kind of

like weird almost vein-like extensions kind of vining off of it it looks like weird little twirls and chaotic kind of uh what do you call it uh the chaos things fractals yeah thank you little fractals little fractal paisle's coming off the edges of it and she says that looks powerful there's something powerful behind that door all right uh the one your guys has left has uh extra spikes kind of in the door frame and she says uh there's something nobody wants us to find behind that door and then the one do your guys is right uh it kind of has um sort of a brittle quality to it almost as if you feel like you could break through without even trying that hard the fungus looks kind of dry and flaky but

otherwise it is kind of plain looking and there's no extra spikes no crazy facts they're just kind of an oval and she says uh yeah it's uh something I think sickly or dangerous. I don't know. Something that we maybe don't want to fuck with behind that one. That's what my investigation behind which one? One to your right. She's like, I don't think you want to go

to them. She's like, it's something about that just feels like it's almost like a waste disposal or a monster we don't want to fuck with i said we go with the ornate one yeah it's ornate or or what they don't want us to find or teeth something extra protected or something extra regal basically oh regal we're going for a god yeah that's why i'm um looking at the teeth or do any of them look more worn than the ones on either side of the regal door yeah uh yeah there's two that seem to um not have a pointy end sticking

out they're almost like handlebars and so like if you were to walk right up to the door these fungal lumps would be right on either side of you and you can almost grip them like that. Do it. No. Because I don't know what to do once I grip them. Yank them. Which way? Towards you. Towards me or away to open the doors. So you're standing between them right now

and you're not grabbing them yet. Tell me if you grab them. It doesn't seem safe. It seems like a trap unless I know exactly how to open it. Then why don't you check for traps? Well, there is a trap. It's not a trap. It's the teeth.

Can I perceive anything? Can I disarm it somehow? Or can I study it with my trap knowledge? To see how to work around it? So, okay. Anything else that gives me a clue? Is there any where in a certain direction?

Yeah, you're going to do a wisdom check against the traps. You're going to do a wisdom check against the traps, DC. So why don't you roll a 20-sided dice Five You don't know nothing about this trap You don't know nothing about birth and no babies And Chubby

You don't know nothing about this trap Is it just wisdom? Can I do Can I do wisdom? I got a 17. You get a sense that this trap can kill you. I had. Yeah, it's real hard to detect stuff

in this little fungal spire that you're wandering around. I can pull them out. I can push them in. I can do them alternately. It could just be as simple as two hands. Just touch it. Put your hands on and that's that. That could also instantly kill me.

Jendi says, I think one of us should try grabbing those handles and just give it a go. Well, who wants to do that? I do it. You do it? Alright. Alright. Something insane happens. Just give it a go. Well, who wants to do that? I do it. You do it? Mm-hmm. All right. Something insane happens. Something that blows everybody's mind.

The second you grab those two handles, roll a 20. 13. You get a kind of metallic taste in your mouth, and the door opens. Oh, that's good. And you don't feel any pain. But you do feel a weird little rumble in your tummy. And you kind of reflexively let go of the two handles. And you go... Am I undead?

What's happening? No. You think... You've been a pregnant. It feels like there's something moving in my stomach. What? That's why I didn't want to do it. Well, congrats.

Do a perception check. You don't have an evil fetus now. Five. It might just be a parasite. You've got to shit it out. Yeah, you don't. I already swallowed a worm. You don't shit it out. Yeah, you don't. I already swallowed a worm. You don't get any DM hints as to what happened.

Oh, is it about the worm that I already swallowed? Roll a 20. Does Sarah remember that? Mm-hmm. Because Sarah remembered that. 12. You think it might have something to do with the little thing you got in your tongue. Okay, I try to make myself throw up.

All right, do a constitution saving throw throw i can make her throw up that's not a problem if that's if we need her to vomit we can make that happen no problem what am i doing constitution saving throw please saving throw modifiers plus three that's pretty pretty good. She's hardy. So 17 total? Yeah, hork. You get your last meal out, but you don't see a worm. You still feel something weird in your tum-tums. I do. One more.

Let's give it one more go. All right, roll. Did we all see the door open? Difficulty is going to be higher this time. You guys are just watching me. Did we also see the door open? Difficulty is going to be higher this time. You guys are just watching me. Did we also see the door open? When she did that, the door opened and you guys see what looks like

a dark, vast field ahead of you. Alright. That time, 19 plus 3, so 22. You hork up again real good and you still feel a tickle in your stomach. Somebody help me.

Mage hand. Mage hand. Basically you rolled really well so you didn't take damage from throwing up. But you get the sense from repeated that you've had this in your stomach too long. I know it's too far. I tell Jendi the vaguest outlines of what happened.

We'll see if she has any suggestions. First of all, she closes her eyes, puts fingers against her temples and shakes her head and says, I could have sworn I asked you if you did anything. Maybe ingested something. Oh yeah. We forgot about this.

And you describe the process and she says, here's the problem. You ingested material from probably another dimension in order to get the cloak to manifest. That cloak was in two different dimensions, but went, if I may, zoop into the Feywild so you could grab it. It was not a physical object you could grab until you ingested that worm okay uh but that means you are now tied to another dimension this door

recognized you as an inhabitant of another dimension and so there is some sort of parasite in you attempting to guide your actions from another dimension and it's because you unlocked the cloak. Maybe that's a good thing, guys. Could be. She says, I don't know how smart this parasite is, but it's definitely giving some traps the idea that you're not of this world. I'm going to try to commune with my parasite.

I think that sounds like a great way to start our next episode. Communing with the parasite. That was episode 30. Thanks for listening. BrianPersane.com. Anything anybody else wants to plug? When's issue 4 of Mad come out? Comes out real soon

and there's going to be some real fun stuff that I think our readers will enjoy. Put some blood, sweat, and tears on this issue. Hey, don't forget to pick up my new book, My Life as a Jock. I was just going to plug Forever Nerdy again. That's why we're buddies, man. That's why we've been friends for

30 years. Or whatever. I'm not a math major, but it sounds about right. I don't understand how time works. It's all in my book, My Life as a Jock by me, Blaine Capich. Is that how you pronounce that? Are you driving, Blaine? I don't think you should drive a car.

I got hit pretty hard with a shovel a few years ago. Anything else? Nope. All right. See you next time. Bye. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.