Nerd Poker - Episode 30 - Kakka-Looo

Episode Date: August 13, 2019

Many choices have led the Ice Five to this small village wedged between cliffs, fireworks about to go off, a lottery about to begin. But what are they willing to sacrifice to meet with the Archmage of Vanzerzale, and will they meet with him at all? A big hand is about to be played. Listen and find out what kind.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hi, you are listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

This is episode 30 of season 3. Thanks, dude. Yeah. Yay. Thank you, Rogues. One and done. Thanks, pal. Batman's going to come attack you guys sometime.

Batman? Isn't Batman a good guy? Not anymore. He's going to attack us? We're the bad guys. He's a bad guy. Yeah, we're bad guys. Who wrote his Batman?

It depends on who wrote his Batman. We're like the Royal Flush Gang. Totally. Was that Jack Elam, right? Mm-hmm. All my friends are here. This is a full table. Chris.

Hello. Sarah. Hello. Ken. Cha. Dan. Hello. Blaine.

Hello. And at the end of the table. Hello. Hey, Sam. Hi, everyone. Hello. Hello. hello and at the end of the table hello hey sam hi everyone hello oh i'm trying to get a wave started he ditched the pink hey your son's burns got to me broke me down how long did you how long did you keep the pink three weeks oh okay i got all the internet cloud i could and then called it a day. Yeah, I collect it all.

You got that sunburn. That was crazy. Did you see that? Yeah, that was really like your hair, but it was your body. Yeah, that's what happened.

I went out on a boat with no sunscreen. That was very dumb. It's not a thing to do when you're on the boat. Did you think about last time on nerd

poker? Wait, do we have some patrons first? When you were on the boat, did you think about, last time on Nerd Poker. Wait, do we have some Patreons first? Show order. Yeah. We're going to blow the flow. He's so mad at me. I'm going to take it out on our listeners. No, thank you listeners like

Ken's Bosch Obsession Thank you Ken's Bosch Obsession A Bosch Obsession is a weird thing to be around sometimes People get real obsessed with it Thank you Graham Fritz Thanks Graham Thanks Zen Smoke Thank you

And thank you Panthro's Bulge Thanks Panthro Wow Panthro's Bulge. Thanks, Panthro. Wow, Panthro. Nice. PB. It's lead. So, last time on Nerd Poker.

Our heroes went to the town of Wexhall and thought they would try to meet the Archmage of Vanzerhael. They attended the Moon Festival and did some milling around. Dagther is currently a tiefling for about another 20 minutes or so. They've bought a few lottery tickets in the hope of meeting with the Archmage, the numbers of which should be announced any moment. But first, they're trying to do things like pickpocket a ticket or win this dice game. So, without any further ado, you just dropped down that goblin necklace, and they all kind of looked at you like, whatever.

And they're like, what else you got? like whatever um and they're like what else you got i was hurt sam are you okay he's trying to get his arm stuck under more furniture his head fell off it feels like this has become such a physical endeavor every week there's somebody crawling under something i do think sam is starting to leave easter eggs for himself around Brian's home. Within 30 seconds, he gets up and he's running squirrelly around the place. Maybe he's finding old Easter eggs that have been left.

I'm not sure what people would be okay with me giving away. Is anyone with me at all? Actually, Dargther and Dr. Uid are nearby. Queep and TikTok are in the woods. Still in the van waiting in the parking lot. They're in a different part of the woods than Hoshinka,

but the three of them are in this sort of canyon in a wooded area between the sheer cliff walls and the town of Wexhall. Wexhall is nestled in this canyon. And your two friends are like 15 15 feet away just sort of around a wagon you could call them more i mean it's not so tense with these guys that they would be weirded out if you stepped away for a second and talked to them um okay i'm gonna i'm gonna say i'm gonna consult with my fellows all right all right guys i don't really have anything else

to offer up do you have anything that is like pricey, but we don't care about that? I can try to win a bet. Hmm. Well, I don't know. Let me check my stash. Cause I've got this, uh,

pirate map, which I don't feel like you should let go of a magical long knife, water breathing. And I almost said ambulance. That's yikes. Did you say ambience? I could use a submarine. I yikes. Did you say ambience? That's known as a submarine. I am sober.

Okay. So far. Yeah. Yeah, I don't have anything. Do you guys have anything? Do we have money? Do we have diamonds or anything like that? They did give Halcine a sense that if they're going to be gambling a ticket,

that it should be fun and they're not really interested in the money part. Well. if they're going to be gambling a ticket then it should be fun and they're not really interested in the money part. Also, just a quick reminder too, Darkthor did express interest in pickpocketing some tickets. So after you guys decide if between the three of you have an item to gamble maybe you'll want to wander off Darkthor and take care of that too.

Do you want to pickpocket first? I don't remember being into that oh it did come up i just listened to it uh when i was prepping for today on the last episode so if you want to bail on that i will certainly be happy with you bailing on it because it because minds change people oh yeah i have that short sword and i have the amulet of survival i wouldn't want to yeah part with either one um well this is a real bust um can i can i i go back to them i go back okay and then i'm like let me explain to you the provenance of this goblin ear necklace the ice five we're exploring a series of caves and then i tell the story you tell the whole story

um no i leave out the part where we created a boulder but i do talk about that weird ice witch thing all right roll performance with disadvantage disadvantage yeah because you've already tried performance you've already tried to deceive them so there's a chance you could still do really well but it's gonna mean that they're really skeptical of you because you basically just admitted you lied so even though that's like no i didn't i'm saying listen this goblin your necrosis is like actually i'll take away disadvantage thank you natural 20 yay um nailed the audition guy picks it up kind of looks it over sneers at it for a second goes all right puts it back down let's roll some dice so uh what we're gonna do is uh 20 for that one you're going to uh roll

unless you want to use some sort of spell with this, you're going to roll three six-sideds versus their three six-sideds. Sarah thinking. Sarah looking at her cards thinking. Yeah, you can think. But what I'm going to do is flip this guy. No, I don't need to think. I'm not going to flip the hourglass. I'm not going to cheat a dice.

I would certainly allow you to cheat as a dungeon master. I'm sure. But Halcine's not going to cheat. Roll three I would certainly allow you to cheat as a dungeon master. I'm sure. But Halcine's not going to cheat. Roll three six-sideds and give me your total. Dan moving to just the hourglass, pulling back at the last moment is our rolls. They got a 14. 14.

I didn't, so I got a nine. All right. They say, all right. Thanks for the necklace. Halcine's like, is that literally this is how you guys gamble this is embarrassing well it's a little different for them um they uh they're not just like throwing six-sided dice down i'm talking about like this is like a numbers that represents three rounds so i sigh heavily okay they said got anything else sarah sighs heavily um so what about that shield yeah i'm not giving you my shield are you out of your mind

they kind of sneer at you i cast thaumaturgy and i uh and i make like dice roll inside my eyes. Roll intimidation. Two? No, three. They go, all right. So you play a lot of dice and you still lost. Congratulations. Now you look like somebody who just thinks about gambling.

They look disappointed. I mean, they seem like they were still game for another round if you wanted to go double or nothing. Hey, Sam, that was from the Flintstones. Oh, double or nothing? Here's another one. Franklin. Okay, listen. Double or nothing, i will throw in this magic long knife

all right uh they but they immediately look at it and they're like all right that looks pretty good they don't need any convincing it's okay's double i needed another i i need somebody else to i mean like i'm not gonna they like they like uh they like kind of like they're nudging george who has the ticket to like come on man come on he like digs in his pockets and he's like all right you can have my horse nobody else has a ticket well it would be you like like i know but i i need i feel like we need to raise the stakes with my knife because that's not so you're you're kind of like asking the group anyone else yeah yeah well i'm saying like yes if i'm i'm not gonna give you we're not gonna put the knife up against one ticket that's not okay fair trade okay so um this is a magic long knife. Two of the guys just give up and kind of back away.

They're like, okay, we don't have it. But they go and whisper to a couple other workers who aren't wearing white robes. And one of them comes over and says, I'm looking for tickets. All right, let's do this. So three six-headeds, pleases please i'm gonna roll for both of these competitors one of them got a 12 and one of them got a 7 14 well well well uh so this time

uh you cleaned up you got two tickets you kept your knife and they're like let's go again what else you got you want to put them back in there sarah would keep going here but uh halseen's gonna walk away pleasure meeting you have a great moon festival i need to go let's get a charisma check see how they interpret you icing them like that which is not you know like aggressive but uh eight okay so they fold their arms and they look a little like bummed out as you walk away and you see him just kind of like whispering as you walk back to dr ewid and dark there. She just got two tickets. They have on them the following numbers.

1009 and 1049. Okay. Hmm. That must be in the mezzanine. We'll probably have obstructed views. For the sake of the listeners, did you guys write down which ones you have?

Because I have three, and I noticed when I was listening to the last episode, I didn't call out who has which. I think I pointed at you when I said numbers. I think I have 1-0-4-3. Who has... I have 1-0-4-5. Okay, and so Blaine has 1-0-4-4.

So just as a reminder, that's what you got. You currently have, between you guys, five tickets. And there are two of you could give them to who are in the woods. You could try to get one more for Hushinka if you want to do a sign these to individuals. You're not sure how this lottery is

going to work. Is someone going to pickpocket? Yeah, the sour boy. Master Stickyfingers. You're in the woods, so you can't say it in person, but you could... He does have Gus under his robe, so you could make Gus whisper this back to him.

Gus. What's up, boss? You should encourage the boss to be the master thief. Darkthor, you hear whispering from underneath your robe, Hey, sour boy. Wanna pick some pockets? Oh boy.

Did he hear me roll my eyes from the, uh, from the trees? Uh, no, he's under your robe. No, I know, but.

Can TikTok hear? No, can TikTok. Oh, oh, oh. Yes. I,

hey boss. Who? I heard this loud creaking noise as the retinas strained to their maximum on Darter's head. It shook the leaves from the trees all the way over here. Darter, boss. Your eyes shook the leaves in the trees. Right. Yes, I'll try.

I didn't ask you to do anything. I was giving you a statement. No, I know, but I'm going to try. try oh pick pockets okay great yeah all right so there's people milling around you see everybody's robes makes it hard to spot pockets literal pockets a couple of people have sewn in kind of uh convenient like almost purse like fanny pack type pockets but um for the most part people are holding their tickets in their hands okay so what are you gonna try um you try to find one particular kind of person i try to find somebody with with the where i see the ticket on their person and not in their hand okay do a perception check. Brian looking around the crowd,

see if he can spot a loose ticket. Brian using his new 10-ton dice. 12, or 13. You see some full pockets, and you see some sticking out of people's hands, but you don't see an actual ticket sticking out of a pocket or someone putting it in a pocket. So you could reach in some pockets, but you wouldn't see like an actual ticket sticking out of a pocket or someone putting it in a pocket so you could reach in some pockets but you wouldn't be sure what

would be in them okay uh all right well i'm gonna try that all right you have a full pocket yeah okay uh so you sidle on up to a human woman she's got sort of a big side pouch on either side and they both look stuffed full of Moon Festival merch, so to speak. Why don't you roll that sleight of hand check as you try to gracefully walk by and dip your hand in there, pulling out a ticket. 12. So you wrestle in there for a second and for a second she kind of jerks, and you pull your hand away,

and you just grab the first thing you could get your hand on, and you just get a little sort of like wrapped up piece of cloth. It looks like it's got chicken bones in it. Yuck. Lucky. All right. I thought it would be something like a payday bar. You feel like everybody is starting to gather around the town square.

You've got maybe time for a couple more. I will say you've got 10 minutes left as a tiefling. Okay. So you can try to pickpocket a couple more people, then you're going to run out of time. I would try it again, yeah. Okay, roll perception to try to spot a good mark. I'm just sitting over here looking at my phone 11

alright same kind of options you see some puffy pockets and some tickets in hands you gonna do the same thing? yeah alright so this time slide a hand damn 12 again yep same thing you just barely

pull your hand out and this time all you get is you know a little perfume bottle okay you gonna go for one more time? one more yeah that's a high perception so

it's a 20 alright so you see an old aracocra suddenly you hadn't seen any aracocra besides Queep in your whole life Queep just looked up he's not there but you could whisper

to Gus to pass it along I suppose he doesn't care but you do see this it's this like rickety old man of an Eric Cochran. Old man bird. I know that now. All right, God. Just want to make sure.

And in his pockets is just sloppy stuff sticking out. And you see kind of folded between what looks like a rolled up piece of bread in some paper and just like a bunch of other junk, like a lottery ticket sticking out. So roll that sleight of hand check. That's going to be a 16. Success. Yay.

So you now have another ticket with the number 1068 on it. All right. all right so after you grab that one you all uh the three of you uh start to notice a crowd gathering in the middle of the square the sun is starting to set behind the cliffs it's getting a little dark people are lighting lanterns um before we get to what happens next there tick tock and creep Are you trying to scout anything? You at one point stopped near what looked like a statue that turned out to be a golem. Have you walked away from that? Are you trying to

link up with Hoshinka at all? I think we were trying to be on the perimeter of the town closest to wherever they are. There's a big archway it's really hard to see anything unless you're near this archway so you can get near some trees let's do that just off the clearing where everyone marched in through the canyon um but it's it's a

semi-visible area so you guys are gonna have to roll a stealth check to be there right now i think also get spotted knowing that the we saw that clay golem keeping an eye out not necessarily just for golems but the idea of oh there's going to be centuries or some thing okay so roll itself from both of you please um 25 i'm sorry 20 20. 14. Wonderful. All right. So you guys feel like you get a pretty good spot. Queep, you're having a hard time because your wings are so big, just kind of looking subtle as you try to slide behind a tree.

You don't feel exposed necessarily, but you're a big guy, so you feel kind of like it's hard for you to peek. But TikTok, you get a really good vantage point behind uh some rocks uh that are sticking off the cliff face and behind a tree as well so you don't worry pal it's because i don't have wings like you i'm trying to keep them down yeah you're working you're working double time uh dr uid darthur and hal seen a town crier steps up to a podium, and he announces that there is news in Wex Hall that he is going to give to the Moon Festival attendees, and then he will announce the lottery tickets. And he goes over a few things.

He mentions that there has been a change in the ice flow to the north. He mentions that there has been a change in the ice flow, uh, to the North. Uh, he mentions that there has been recent unrest in the gnome encampments to the West. Uh, and then he says, uh, there's been news from the Thixit checkpoint. A great pirate clan has fallen.

Uh, queen Dratlana has been slain and her boat destroyed. Oh, shit. As a result, her allies have sent out a bounty for the pirate clan known as the Ice Five, who teamed up with the Thixit clan to destroy Queen Dratlana. The Thixit clan has been reduced to seemingly one monstrous floating brain who retreated into the mountains. However, information leading to this Ice V pirate clan will give you ten gold. Also, five gold for the decapitated heads of the Ice V.

The Barrowsteps dragons are waiting along the perimeters of Wexhall for any news. We're glad that I dropped our names. After the fireworks, feel free to find one of the Barrow Steps dragons outside of Wexhall, and they will provide bounties for reliable information or decapitated heads, and there's some oohing and aahing.

And then he says, and now time for the lottery announcements. Did you hear that? Fifteen gold gold he unfurls a scroll and he waves his hand over it and he begins announcing numbers so here comes the randomizer first one he announces is 1182. How many did you do, Dan? We're never going to get this. It looks like a little over 200 people.

Oh, dear. I thought you were going to tip the scales for us. He announces 1178. Save the stub. He announces 1043. Dan announces 1178. Dan announces another number. That's mine. He announces 1184. 1190.

1059. Damn it. 1005. Isn't that Kathy and HR's extension? 1133 1158 1125 He did tip the skills. We should have talked about who's going to go in there

to that tent. Well, you are now. I did not tip the skills. We should have talked about who's going to go in there to that tent. Well, you are now. God damn it. I did not tip the scales. That was... There's no way that we randomly got my number out of 200. If you insist. I do not.

I will take it. Here's the number randomizer that's open on my laptop. I wave my ticket excitedly. Oh, okay. You're not handing that off. It sounds like, so, uh, a line forms in front of a tent that is off to the side of the town square.

And, uh, fireworks start going off. Uh, you notice there are, is this going to end like the wicker man? Yeah, yeah,

yeah, for sure. Everyone's going to die and there will be bees. So, uh, there's a couple of weird creatures that hover in front of this tent. Halcine, Dargthur, and Dr. Ud, please do an insight check. 15. Oh, no, 18. Nine. 15 oh no 18

9 8 alright you don't entirely recognize them doctor I meant to have you do an insight check as well when you heard your mother's boat was destroyed and that she was killed I want you to do one more insight check for me it's real low.

What? Five. How low is low? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just think a lot of people are probably dead. A lot of drow. A lot of stuff lost. But I know who my mom is.

Yeah, yeah. But you're not sure what resources may have been lost. What do you mean? Maybe if you'd rolled higher i would have told you oh i'm a dick so not necessarily i i mean i heard them say that she's dead so i would take that under what what does inside have to do with that if you had been able to read into the situation more it's perhaps perhaps you would have been able to put together what else was lost. Okay. What I want to know is why we're in trouble for we didn't help them. We helped the team that beat them, didn't we?

Yes. You got the impression from the town choir that the Barrow Steps dragons were allied with your mother. Oh. Okay. Yep. Okay. Yep. Is there... I'm wondering if there's some way we can activate or take control of the golem.

You say to Tick Tock? Yes. I think if you write something on the scroll. Maybe. I'll let you do as Halcine gets in line. I'll let you do as Halcine gets in line alright I'll let you do a arcana check

do you have proficiency? I do roll that advantage hun thanks hun well one of them is a one so it's better than that good one darling 15 you don't know how to activate

a golem you're like ah maybe i could if i had tools or training but i don't i don't have that knowledge i feel like i have an idea can i take an arcana shot even having no advantage um no i think i think because you wouldn't just automatically be able to you can tell me your idea and i can tell you what else you can roll uh just having something to do with writing a word on a on a script or a name and inserting it into the goal uh all right do an arcana check insert something into this yes like a like four a four? Yeah, I mean,

you're like, you don't know what magic you scroll or ink or elements you need. Shit for magic. Yeah. Okay, so Halcine,

you're in line. You're third in line. Guys? I guess we're just going to hang out here by the churro tent. Guys? Do we know what's going on?

Do we have a plan? Let's guess. I'm holding back because I feel like we don't know what's... You're far away. Yeah, that's what I mean. Doesn't something weird happen if she goes in there? Why is she even trying?

If you want, you can kind of wait in line with her. You just probably won't be allowed in the tent. I think the idea is that then you meet with the guy who we think... They say he's granting people's wishes and then they disappear. No one's ever come out. Everyone who goes in... Everyone seems really excited and the word around... one's ever come out everyone who goes in everyone seems really excited and the like word around nikes and the word around town is like he transports

you somewhere better than this like sort of post-apocalyptic klottenheim where are you gonna go you're not going back to the bronx are you to hell i think i mean i just feel like it seems like we should all go in there or no i like how you're like like you go you by yourself seems like a bad play. You were so excited to wave the ticket now that you're in line like, oh, well,

I didn't think I could pass it off. I assumed everybody was probably very excitedly. Oh, they're all excited. Absolutely. Absolutely. They're all going to paradise.

They're all gossiping back and forth about where they're going. I'll do my best in there. Well, wait, I mean, the other option is you don't go in there. You know what I mean? Like you go, oh, whoops, I have do my best in there. Well, wait. I mean, the other option is you don't go in there. You know what I mean?

You go, oh, whoops, I have 6601. Insight check. 21. Oh, so you do think that if you were to suddenly hold it up or give it to one of these guys, it would be understood that you're taking the winning ticket and offering it as a gift it's so it's so valuable that like so but my only choices really are dark there or doctor or if you were to hold it up and just be like yeah like people would run like excitedly towards you

when we do want to get in there right i just am nervous about one person going in with no backup you know well i have an idea but i can't say yeah far away yeah wasn't gus can you talk to gus yeah it wasn't gus that's what i'm are we doctor can whisper it to gus and tiktok tell gus to tell her to um the first person uh gets told something by the two strange creatures in front of the tent uh they look like jellyfish with weird eye stalks on top of them uh they say that again they go in the tent the creatures do yes she should hold that's do i know that is that being relayed back you can't see it there's too many people under the archway um but that's what you guys see you can relay it to gut i mean you just don't see it with your own eyes gus might be able to relay to you but

in the time that has passed right one person now goes that's what i saw when we were floating here that creature a jellyfish creature with eye stocks it was in the water watching us yeah so they might know that it's us oh they're like shimmering and translucent we've got big goofy smile when I did watch on the boat before we landed at this i saw one of those things okay i'm just saying uh should we um make them recognize you make yourself known no i'm telling uh dark through you realize your spell is going to wear off in about 60 seconds wasn't someone can give me advice before i go yes yeah we should get out of here. I'm thinking there's two choices. Yes, say it. We can either, right before going inside, identify ourselves as the Ice Five to cause a commotion,

or hold up the ticket in an offering to whoever's going by to also cause a commotion. And get inside? And get inside and, yeah, rush the room. I mean, the chances of me getting in there, I think, are slim. Us, we can't get in there, but to tell them to do that. Yeah, you could create, yeah. So I throw out the room. I mean, the chances of me getting in there, I think, are slim. Us, we can't get in there, but to tell them to do that. Yeah, you could create, yeah. So I throw out the guts.

If you guys use that ticket to create chaos, maybe you can get inside. Oh, yeah, can you make anyone invisible? If you hold up your ticket to create chaos, we can maybe get inside. Yeah. I'd say right at the door. Can I turn into something scary?

Like a bear? Darkthru, you feel the spell about to fade. Okay. Can I cast it again? No. That might cause chaos too. Yeah. Him changing, yeah.

If you don't duck behind a building right now, you're going to look like a... What if I just point across the thing? I gotta take a shit. He runs into an alley with Gus. He leaves? Under his robe, yeah. So it's just you and Dr. Uwud now. Why did that happen? I thought we were rushing.

I'm turning back into... Can't you run? It's all part of shit! We were gonna rush. The two jellyfish now approach the person in front of Halcine and begin whispering something excitedly. Are you ready, Dr. Wood? I was going to say, can't you run up on stage with the ticket

and then transform and freak everybody out? Your back is dark, throw in the robe. Okay. Well, I'm so excited. Sorry. A couple of people kind of like go, but they don't really register. Should we like yell like, it's the Ice Five across the way, and then we all. Yeah.

Look, he changed. He's one of the Ice Five. No, no. I point at somebody else and go, they did it. The Ice Five did it. Are there any, I begin to cause. I feel like I'm not sure if you're joking. No, I'm not joking.

That's what we're doing. We're pointing. We're like, he's from the Ice Five, and then pointing. We're like, he's from the Ice Five. And then I use my- No! He's from the Ice Five! All right. Now, to be fair, I know you're not joking and you're about to do something cool and

real. Did you really yell what you just said? You yelled his point at someone sitting there in the Ice Five? No. Neither of you did? We were going to. You're planning it? Okay.

So, Sarah, I apologize for stalling. But yes, what do you do exactly? Oh, I thought they did yell it. Exactly. I wasn't sure. I needed to clarify. Guys, why didn't you yell it? Are you so Sarah, I apologize for stalling, but yes, what do you do exactly? Oh, I thought they did yell it. Exactly, I wasn't sure. I needed to clarify. Guys, why didn't you yell it? Are you yelling it or no? They whisper to you that that's what they want to do.

Okay, I'm on board. Do it, and I'm going to make the ground tremble. Okay. Okay, so the ground is going to tremble with thaumaturgy? Yeah, no, I'm going to... Oh, I can... Oh, don't i get to yell it again yeah yell it the second person who is you are now next in line yell hey he changed he's one of the ice five you pointed darker and do that some random asshole okay okay um i do a performance check. Blaine. Yeah, man, I hate these.

I'm causing ominous whispers to be along the edge of the crowd. Can you read a team? Okay. So, uh, 15. So you point at one of the workers who's kind of tall and like, like strong looking.

And when you pointed at me, he goes, and the whole crowd turns. And then ominous whispers happen right behind him and utter chaos fucking breaks out. The two jellyfish like creatures like look at each other for a second and then into the tent. I'm going to go guys.

Come on. How far away are we? Inside. Where can we go? You're going in the tent? Yeah. Okay. How far is the arch from all this happening? Huh huh how far are we at the arch from all this happening you're a so yeah uh you're about to go in the tent uh yelling at the crowd what can gus do stuff um

but pause what you guys see through the stone archway. We see that you hear someone. Dr. He changed. He's one of the ice five. And then you hear people start shouting and everyone rushes to one side of the courtyard. What do you two guys do? Let's go. Should I grab you and fly you in?

Yes. Create more of a scene. All right. Do a strength by the shoulders. Athletics. Athletics. And I'm screaming the whole time. the shoulders. Athletics, athletics.

And I'm screaming the whole time. Kalakaloo! Kalakali! So where Brian Blessed is looking up from a book. Awesome. So you get him up and you start going, and it doesn't quite work. Like you're just like the heaviest guy.

Can I Fred Flintstone my feet again on the ground? Doing an athletics check. I can just ride your shoulders as you run in, too. That works, too. Anything that looks ridiculous. Yeah, like a giant parrot. Yeah. 12. Okay.

Like Fred. Oh, my God. Somebody please draw this. Hold on. Oh, better. 22. Okay, so Queeb spreads his wings and waves and i'm hollering and tiktok runs as fast as he can and with your combined strength you start just

zooming towards this tent uh you guys don't see this the three of you duck in and you see the jellyfish are on either side of a hooded figure. I want the three of you guys to do perception checks. 23. Holy fuck. 19. All right. So you, Dargthur, and you, Halcine, are going to notice, uh, some less subtle things

first before I tell Dr. Ud what he sees in you. But like you guys, you, as you walk in, you notice this hooded figure seems to be in a panic, but there are only three beings in here. The other two people are clearly not here. Uh, the hooded figure is on the shorter side, like under six feet tall. You understood that the Archmage of Vanservale is supposed to be a sun elf. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, but you don't see the face of this being at all. But it does sort of like pull back a little bit.

The hood is over its head, and it looks like there's some sort of cloth also hanging down from its face. The two jellyfish turn and look at you. Dr. Ud, you notice there are two piles of white robes. To the left, there are some homemade-looking ones that are crumpled up in a pile, and to the right are neatly folded the sort of flowing ones that you guys got from the cave up in the mountain.

It's time to roll initiative for all of you. I rolled a 20. No, 23. Yeah, you get a bonus. Don't forget your bonuses to initiative, everybody. Now, don't yell them out for me. Blaine already did because he's a very excitable boy. 23! That's what they all said.

The same. Wow. Ken, what'd you get? That's what they all said. The same. Wow. Ken, what'd you get? Seven. Sarah, what'd you get? Five. Great. Do you suppose that the robe thing is people that have been sacrificed

and people who have before sacrificed? I'm not sure. You said, wait, there's a neatly folded pile like the ones that we got back up. We have, yeah. Do people put them on and then get eaten or alive or burned up or something and crumpled and felt up? Felt up. I think they're all in the hot tub right now. Are there wet footprints leading into the kitchen?

They're getting a hot stone massage. I will say he's got a huge bonus, but the Archmage of Antervale rolled very low on his initiative, considering that he has a ridiculous stone. Was what? He was just making a lot of weird sex jokes, and then you're like, I will that he has a ridiculous phone. Was what? He was just making a lot of weird sex jokes and then you were like, I will say he has a huge bonus. That was a coincidence. Oh.

Oh. He said that was A like he was going to say it was related. Oh. How close are we? Are we all in range now i will do my best to describe it thank you but you guys should start getting your own conversation going while i put a bunch of tiles to represent the inside of the tent and the area outside the tent on our little riser so i'm gonna need things like I'm going to need things like jokes. I'm going to need things like commercials. And I'm going to need things like game plans. Because here it comes.

All right. Dan telling the players to vamp while he gets his game board set up. Game board coming out, of course, brought to you by... Failing name of game board. He's got a whole duffel bag. He always shows up on the x-ray machine when he's flying into Burbank. This stuff is from Dwarven Forge. We've been using our Patreon money to buy stuff.

I really like what they do. I worked with them for D&D. They did the thing out in Brooklyn last year. It was really cool. They have a microbrewery. When are you guys going to paint your Figures people were asking That should happen Sometime

I think I'm going to Because this one's made of metal And I don't know You can paint metal I know Cars are metal You could just reorder him as plastic I kind of want to keep him

The way this is You could just reorder a plastic version And then paint that guy i like it it's pretty i might do that they look cool just metal but they do okay cool oh god the stuff mom's here everybody run hide the dice find the fabric egg maybe you could order one that's a little more sour everybody back to base i think this is plenty sour oh i think one that's a little more sour. Everybody back to base. I think this is plenty sour. I think you bring a little certain extra something to it. Thanks.

It's very cool. Dan having a great deal of difficulty getting plastic pieces out of his duffel bag. What else you got in there grandpa was a he ha sketch a big bag of walls hey you guys is so far out of there you know I got a new gig you guys yeah working on a show it's the pieces so it's a prequel to pre-haul pre Sorry, I vamped and bit my own neck. Anyway, it's called pre-haw.

Did you fall on your joke? Yeah, I totally botched that. That's still good. Okay, well. Six down, 1,000 to go. Six tiles from Dwarven Forge. Assembling brownies. He said we could talk strategy.

Do we want to? But we can't really. I got it. Well, he said we could. I know, but he shouldn't have, right? Yes, I asked for homework. Yes, I am that person. What should?

Oh, it's a dreidel. Oh, it's a circle. Circle of life? It's like aidel. Oh, it's a circle. Circle of life? It's like a tic-tac. The circle. Oh, it's a pineapple. Oh, it's a tree. It's a microphone.

It's a skull. It's a grenade. It's a plenus. No, no, it's a pineapple. This is the entrance of the tent. Yeah. And here come the other guys. Nice floor for a tent. Yeah. And here come the other guys. Nice floor for a tent.

Anything else, Blaine? When was the last time you went to Paladino's, Blaine? Oh, yeah. Oh, you know what? I went to... I was in Hawaii last week. Oh, yeah? How was that?

It was great that you know they have a Paladino's on the north shore of Oahu. I did not know that. Yeah, it's been there since the 70s. Oh, yeah? How was that? It was great. You know they have a Paladino's on the north shore of Oahu. I did not know that. Yeah, it's been there since the 70s. Oh, wow. Hawaii? Hawaiian style? No, it was weird. They had Russian night when I was there.

Oh, okay. It was Ho Don from the Islands. Ho Don from the Islands. Ho Don from the islands. Got it. It was right next to the Palmer Arnold Golf Course. Palmer Arnold Golf Course. Was there an

Apuwa'a Humuhumunukuduku? God, Ken, are you okay? My ears. No oh there was uh dan the game's over we all hi dan i've been watching the boys anybody watching the boys no it's good i want to see it do you read the comic book on amazon uh derrick robertson derrick robertson Derek Robertson and Garth Ennis. It's a great superhero,

sort of in the same maybe family as like a watchman. Did you get a toy, it looks like? Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you guys. Did anyone watch The Terror? Yes. I began watching it, and then I got tired of it. We stopped, yeah. Is it good?

Oh, he was in the garage. No, that's not great. We watched two episodes. I enjoy Los Espookys, though. I've heard it's great. It's really dumb and fantastic. Check this out, guys. Oh, that's cool.

Dark of the Asylum Joker. Nice. Dark of the Asylum Joker. With his little ventriloquy dog. Uh-huh. Doll. Did you say ventriloquy dog? Yeah, I was trying to say.

Brian, is there a carbon monoxide leak or something here? Is it possible? I wish. My brain is done. Fin's real sweet dog. That would explain my pre-hog joke. Oh my God. It was the greatest joke he had of it.

Triloquy dog. I can't speak anymore. While I inhale these invisible fumes. When Ken breaks, It's really fun Just really Total shutdown I'm breaking more all the time Dan wait

Is this a bit now? Because this is actually Sorry It's taken this long before But you guys had way more commercials And bits happen I feel like you left Oh

Ew look at those guys What are those? Those are fantastic Dan it's been an hour and a half. What are those guys? Two episodes. Jelly fronds. We're going to put you three right in here.

And because we have Blaine and Brian with much higher initiatives, I'm putting Blaine and Brian right there. And then, Halseen, why don't you go right behind them? And we're still outside, TikTok. We are, Ryan. Can we get TikTok right behind Halseen? Give me a TikTok. There we go. And then he's, do you want him next to Darkthor?

Is he still ensconced? Yes. So he's sort of under Darkthor's dress. Yes. Those jellyfish guys are great.

Blaine, what you got for us? Do we feel like we're going to just kill these guys? Yeah, I feel that way. It's a mood that I'm in. We don't know. We know he's the most powerful wizard I feel like

I should get like a thorn whip Going But do I Take a swing at one of these Are they coming at me They just turned at you and sort of smiled i will say that i think our plan going in was let's figure out what's going on inside this tent with an assumption that something nefarious was going on so i don't think you would that one out the window

i think well i don't think you would run in and necessarily just chop someone's head off i think he would take the lay of the land in the room and figure out what's going on you would think these three are in on are in defensive mode and other stuff may be about to happen. Right. So far we know there's robes. Hi! We're the Ice Five! Perhaps you've heard of us!

Alright, so what are you trying to get him to do, Blaine? I'm just trying to see if he does some sort of like if he just barks orders. I just want to wait and see if they're going to make any sort of offensive things.

I don't want to... You can hold an attack. Get killed or start shit that gets people killed. Do a persuasion check. Give him a what the hell's going on in here. Did someone hear that? Yeah. Okay. I thought it was high. I feel like we're in the lobby waiting to meet everybody. Tell us if there's? Yeah. Okay. I thought it was high. Yeah. I feel like we're in the lobby. Wait.

Tell us if there's going to be music. I don't have to tell you shit. Well, it's adding to the whole carbon monoxide. it's all sort of like a psychic guy. You got it. I have a 21. Uh,

you hear a disembodied voice and some music echo through the tent saying, what is happening outside I think your your source is getting your supply is getting cut off at the knees did I hear you say the ice five are outside who knows where they

are somebody saw them outside behind the tent I think he said we're the ice five keep going yeah i don't know if you caught it just had to impress him uh he says uh interesting He says, uh, interesting. I'm sorry. I heard a similar voice say the Ice Five is over there from just outside the tent about a minute ago. I mean, in your time, it was like an hour and a half. Really? Yeah.

That's weird. Did you see them? No, but I feel like you just said you're the Ice Five. I could have said a lot of things. So you're not the Ice Five. Are you? No. What are you?

I'm the Archmage of Vanzervale. Who are these guys? They're my flumps. What the fuck? What are flumps? You stumped him. I don't see why we should- Are you in the Ice Five or not? What do you four think?

He said we're the Ice Five. Maybe you heard of us. Yeah. But then you went back on it. It maybe you heard him. Yeah. But then you went back on it. It was visibly weird. Yeah, well. I'm in character and I'm more focused now.

Am I crazy? That is what he said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Last chance. You rolled a 21 on your persuasion, so I'm letting him decide what you're trying to get across. I'm trying to get you to attack me. Done. Brian, you're up.

That was a mistake. I cast lightning arrow, and I shoot it at that fuckface. All right, remind everyone what lightning arrow does. I know you're in the weird lighting seat. If you want, I can describe it. I'm sorry, but was the voice coming from the guy? It's a booming voice that seems to fill the tent. But it's not coming from the guy in the robe.

Acoustically, no, but it seems as if he is locking his gaze on you all as this voice booms. The next time I make a ranged weapon attack during the spell's duration, the weapon's ammunition or the weapon itself, if it's a thrown weapon, transforms into a bolt of lightning. Make the attack roll as normal. The target takes 48 lightning damage

on a hit. That's just for this one time. Yeah. Roll to attack, sir. Uh, shit. You're aiming for the Archmage, correct? Yeah. So probably like a 20, probably?

That's not what I got. Oh. Uh, seven on that one. Okay. Uh, that is a miss. Ah, fuck. All right. Up next, we have the Archmage of Vanzerfield.

Do I get two attacks? Not on that, right? Shit. Or do I? Well, let's see. I think you don't get another lightning arrow, but you can... Yeah, I think he gets another regular arrow if you want. Or you can rush at him

and slash him, yeah. He's a fifth level ranger. I think that's duration. No, but it's still only once. We actually looked up like Hail of Thorns. It's just, during the duration of the spell being cast, you can do it once, but you don't get to repeatedly do it during,

like it's a one-timer action still. Yeah, he could do like another regular arrow. Correct. But he still has to make a dexterity saving throw and he'll take 2d a light no failed save I he rolled a 10 so roll your damage sir he's gonna take some lightning damage He's gonna take some lightning damage. Oof. Cool.

Nice. Do you have an 8 handy? What do you need? A D8? Yeah. Don't you have one in your new heavy dice? I do, yeah. Who made those?

I took the guy's card, but I don't have it here. Nine. Big Daddy Don Garlits. That's weird. He makes dice now. All right. So you're going to do that second arrow attack, regular arrow attack? Yeah.

All right. Roll to attack. That's a 16. That's a hit. Okay. Roll your damage, sir. Are the jellyfish floating? They are floating, yeah.

Okay. It's kind of creeping me out. Might be deliberate. Eight. That is eight more piercing damage. So the first arrow misses, but lightning arcs past him, and he rocks backwards as you hit him with electric damage, and the second arrow lodges it in his torso. Oh, gosh.

Does it knock his cloak back? Want the three of you do another perception check? Natural 20. Oh, fuck. Oh, wow. I was 12. Three. So 23.

So, uh, Halcine, you notice just for a second, it flies back and you see what looks like an, uh, an old sun elf's face, but there's like a bandana of some kind under his eyes and over his nose and mouth.

It's long and ragged, and it was hanging out. You could see the bottom of it earlier. Is that Lechi? He is now going to do a thing. I'm going to need a Darkthir, Dr. Uyd, and Halcyon to need a Darkthor, Dr. Uid, and Halcine to do a charisma saving throw.

Oh my god. Thirteen. Six. Is this a charm thing? Yes. Okay, I have advantage. Roll again. I rolled even worse on that one, so. Alright, what'd you roll, Blaine? I rolled a 13.

Alright, well, all three of you see an enormous demonic face suddenly appear and the three of you are blinded. Oh, shit. So here comes some rings.

How long do you think we're going to be blinded? Blinded. Did you see that new movie, Blinded by the Light? It's about a guy that gets hit in the head and he wakes up and there's never been a man for man's earth ban. And then he dies in the hospital. After he gets racked up like a goose. Yeah, it gets really weird.

It's the guy that did the lobster. I don't know. I didn't see the lobster. I'm kidding. Okay. Blinded. TikTok, throw it there. Blinded. Tick-tock, you're up. What is this building exactly?

It's a tent. It's a big tent. It's very sturdy looking. My thought is to go around the back and flank. Give it a shot. Pretty similar thought. Yeah, so I would... I'll go right.

I'll go right around. I'm looking for some kind of opening some investigation check please that is uh 15 all right it's a heavy cloth and when you touch it it almost seems as hard as rock i'll go you don't find a fold. It seems fortified magically. Do I have any movement left? Maybe 10 feet of movement. I would start heading back towards the front.

I'd just be like, nope. One way in, one way out. Alright. It is flump time. Yeah, boss? Umbral sight or dark vision wouldn't help against somebody blinding me? Nope.

I don't think so, but I'm going to look it up. Is it a magical blindness? Or is this like some sort of... Yeah, it is a magical blindness. I'm looking up umbral sight. They were at the Warped Tour, you know. Magical blindness.

It's a magical night for some blindness. Are you sure you weren't casting Blindness? Which is a teacher I had back in... Yeah, okay. Whoa, ho, ho, it's blindness. I fell asleep when I was a kid, I fell asleep and the radio was on, and for years I thought I had written that song. And then I heard it on the radio one day, and I was weirdly horrified.

Wait, is this a true story? It's a true story. Wow. I guess I surmised that I had fallen asleep because I did that all the time listening to the radio. And that song was a big, I must have heard it. Very trippy. All right, so at third level, thought I wrote it for years.

It would play in my head and I would go, I wrote this cool song in my head. This umbral sight does not apply, and so I apologize for how long it took for me to look this up. But at third level, it's like dark vision with a range of 60 feet if you already have dark vision which you did from your race its range is another 30 feet you're also adept at evading creatures that rely on dark vision and while in darkness you are invisible to any creature that relies on dark vision to see you in that darkness that does not apply to being blinded unfortunately uh all right So yes, as I said

here comes some of that sweet flump action. So one of them is going to rush Dr. Uwud. I'm going to need you to do

a 20 in front of a bachelorette party. Dexterity saving throw. 14. Alright, you manage to bob to the side as it raises its tentacles and a cloud of stinking fumes spray past you and hit the back of the tent.

Story of my life. Sam, how are we doing on time? We have five minutes. Excellent. Up next we have something coming from the back of the room. Uh oh.

I told you it's that bachelorette party. Teleporting in you see a creature in a flowing white robe its face is desiccated and rotten and a ring of flames begins to circle behind it right there

what the fuck is that and then another one oh great oh no what are those You're fucked. And then another one. Whoa! Oh, great. Oh, no! What are those? Ken, you're up. Big trouble in Little China. I'm going to push in.

I'm going to roll to wake up. Yeah, you can run past Halsey. And fire a crossbow at the big boy in the middle. All right, go for it. What was that, Ken? Batchy boo. That is a batch. Roll a 100, please.

Fucking hell. Fucking hell. Friendly neighborhood, fucking hell. Is it fuck or is it hell? Or did the hell go fuck a fuck? What? 91. Oh, my god.

You know you rolled those into a bunch of other dice I would re-roll that. Nope. The man looked at me and smiled and said 91. That's how I roll. I admire his honesty. Goodbye.

Shirt's fine. As you pull up the crossbow you're kind of elbowing the tent out of the way the tent feels unusually magically heavy as you try to shove it more than a simple brush and it hits your elbow as you fire the crossbow and it fires up into your face uh roll 3d6 for me jesus oh shit there's two okay 12 all right so you take 12 points of damage, and the crossbow hits your eye. You can no longer see out of that eye, and it cuts so deep across your face, you're pretty sure that you're not going to grow any feathers back there.

So I look really cool now, right? You would know because you can no longer see out of that eye, perhaps for a while. Oh, no. All right. So. Can I squish some good berries into it? Cuckoo bird.

All right. Jesus. Up next, we have Sarah. I'm just going to take a guess and question whether I can turn undead here. Are they undead? Maybe do an insight check. Okay. Oh, sorry.

Natural one. Uh, I feel like you feel like, uh, something real scary is happening, but that's it. I probably would just try it. Who knows, right?

There's a lot of people in there. Okay, I present my holy symbol and I speak a prayer censuring the undead. Okay. Remind me, do they have to do saving throws if they apply? Each undead that can see or hear you within 30 feet must make a wisdom saving throw.

Ooh. That's an 8. A 16. And this mage is just standing there casting. And a 6. What was the DC? It just says a wisdom saving throw.

Yeah, what's your character's spell save DC? Oh, spell save DC, sorry. 14. All right, so the Archmage made it, but the two, feels like maybe Liches behind it, failed. So remind us what happens now. So since I'm fifth level, if they fail, if their challenge rating is are at or below if it's is it below one is it one half or lower okay is it i'm checking

okay if so it is instantly destroyed uh below one one half that's what it says destroys undead of challenge rating one half or lower one or lower so not instantly destroyed okay uh then it it's a turned creature it must spend its turns uh for one minute or until it takes any damage trying to move as far away as it can and it can't willingly move to a space within 30 feet of me and it can't take any reactions okay cool well it's not their turn yet but uh they do suddenly react to the spell uh and just because there's one more creature in the turn order we're just about out of time i'm gonna have the other flumpf roll he is going to come at uh let's say, Queep, because he saw what Queep tried to do. And, Queep, I'm going to need you to roll a dexterity saving throw with disadvantage. All right.

Queep already pretty messed up with an arrow to the beak. Damage to the feathers. Ours in the chair. Mm-hmm. the beak damage to the feathers hours in the chair 16 all right uh you managed again to uh dodge aside blood spraying out of your face wound uh just in time for this acidic spray to hit the wall behind you. You're a cool ass eye patch out of this. Dr. Dr. Uid, you are reeling with blindness and it will soon be your turn,

but that's going to happen on the next episode of nerd poker. Hey, Sam. Hi, everybody. What do you think is going on right now? Here's what happened this week. All right,

we're gambling. Rolling to pickpocket is very funny. Don't tell me there's going to be a bird and then steal from it. There's a bounty on us. Oh, Brian's mom is dead, I think. Oh, Jesus. I think Brian made a go straight to Hellboy Clash reference. Yeah.

Yes. Sarah's in line for the fantasy murder transport ride. It's being guarded by jellyfish. We're pointing and yelling ice five and there's chaos. If Ken can do that, why isn't Ken riding someone all the time? Oh, pre-haw

ventriloquy dog is very funny. Who is the man in the cloak? What are flumps? Big Daddy Don Garletts was a race car driver. There's a big face and it blinded us. Queep got shot in the face by a tent and if Que creep is blind, I will kill myself nice job. Wasn't that a primus song? If we is dead, I'll kill my son. We was dead to kill myself because I sure love that little bird man that bird man

when it shots old face because he botched the ninety one when it shot its own face because he botched the 91. I'm wearing a big plastic face and then I am a pig. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening when you need your car to start when you need your car to start When you need your flashlight to be on

Door sells there Ah man Even when you need a tone Makes you shit your pants in traffic