Nerd Poker - Episode 30 - The Truth About The Moon

Episode Date: November 15, 2017

Bodhi, Twee, and Tom have ventured across Amynna to gather an army against the Demelith, and now they arrive back at the wood of the Lunar Elves. Goggo the evil faerie is in as good a mood as ever, which probably isn't a good sign given that he is a major creep. Will Bodhi punch an old friend? Will Tom reveal the truth to his vampire companion? Will Twee set the woods on fire for the third time? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hello. This is Rob Poussaint's Nerd Poker. No, Brian Poussaint. Just kidding. Duh.

Oh man, everybody just got super psyched out everyone did a triple take into their own earbuds they took their earbuds out and then they did it again I didn't want to act it out two more times thanks buddy hey everybody that was Rhodes

it's not really Rose Posain's nerd poker it's Brian Posain's nerd poker from the department of corrections wow I just rolled 2-1 Rhodes, it's not really Rose Posehn's Nerd Poker. It's Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Yeah, from the Department of Corrections. Wow. I just rolled 2-1. Sorry, let's see what happens here. Thanks, Matt and Brian from Field Notes

and my friend Erica Reed-Gerdes who sent us a bunch of notebooks. They did it, I think, in season one of Nerd Poker before my time. Ooh, 20. I found out my friend Erica works there now in the customization department nice

I was chatting her up and she was like you guys need fresh notebooks so we got fresh notebooks yay for writing nerdery in shape I haven't introduced you guys yet so nobody knows who's talking oh I forgot that's Dan Telfer the many voices of Rhodes Post saying you've been here

Ken Daly's here hiya there. And Blaine. Hey, hi. Capich. Capach. Capich. It's pronounced...

Capich. Capch. Capch. Capich. Capich. Capich. Capich. Capich.

Capich. Uh, thanks for listening. Do we have any shoutouts? Oh, we sure as hell do. Thank you, Evan Coteau. Cateau. Thank you, Brian Van Deal. Thank you.

And you know what? Carry over from last episode. I'm just going to say it. Thanks again, Skeletor's dick. I just was so happy last time. Thanks, Skeletor's dick. Thanks, Skeletor's dick. I stepped all over Brian's detachable penis.

He did like a three-minute detachable penis joke that I was too busy looking at numbers to acknowledge. Are you still doing your king missile chunk? King missile chunk is a great phrase. Thanks, Skeletor's dick. Now and always, we'll be thinking of you and visualizing you in our third eye.

He probably just looks like a bone. Thanks, Skeletor's dick. Well, but he's only... I had a three-way with Stinkle. Only his face is skeletal. The rest of him is like... I'm calling him Ratman for nothing. He's like a muscular blue thing.

So I feel like he's just got a straight-up knob. Like, I feel like... Yeah, like a big blue veiny dunker. Yeah, a big blue veiny dunker? Yeah, a big blue goth lipstick tube. Let's go over and knock Frank Langella unconscious and find out for real. Star of Frost Nixon, Frank Langella. Let's see his dick.

All right, everybody. Welcome to episode 30, which is exactly what we would expect we did it dirty 30 and yeah our characters have made it all the way to Morgothal the walking tree city and back again it's hard to believe

they went to Glorndon the dwarven city they got their old pal Barrus the vampire armed to the teeth. And, yeah, you guys picked up some loot, especially Tom. Tom rolled real good in his trade checks. So he's got a new scarab that can detect auras. He's got a new sword that casts a mystery spell when it thunks into somebody. And, yeah, you know,

you got some other basic supplies. Bodhi, you got some bolos. Mystery spell. And you have made it back to the woods of the Lunar Elves. So you get there, and Gago, your evil fairy friend, son of a bitch,

flutters up to his fellow dark fairies. Yes, Gago. They look like a bunch of rhinoceros beetles just going like in the air. Just sort of banging into each other because they're all drunk. And yeah, Gago's socializing. One of the wood elves that you're with, Sam thought he was going to say it. I'm waiting for it.

Wood elf, good elf, should elf. Becadil comes over to you, and he says... Becadil? Yeah, Becadil, the wood elf. I use that for an eye infection. He's one of the bigger guys. He's one of the meatheads of the group. He's got a couple of really, really long knives that he dual wields.

And he actually goes up to you, Bodhi, and he says, I can't believe. What's that noise? Huh? That's the sound of my laptop fan. It's cooling. Don't worry about it too much. What did you think it was? It sounded like the men working on the chain gang.

I have a fan. All computers have a fan. It's to keep their motherboard from overheating. Okay. Hold on. If we're really quiet, we can maybe hear Dan's computer fan. Hold on.

Dan's computer.. Hold on, hold on. Hi, Dan's computer. Oh, my God. Over here, sign my tits. Oh, my God, I love you, Dan's computer. Wow, it's a really loud fan. Sign my tits. What an idiot.

Did you think there was a really long, low-key fart that I was just ripped off? No, I knew there was a buzzing somewhere, and I couldn't figure out what it was. You were worried that it was actual recording. It was just me exhaling for a long time. Oh, your poor swollen uvula. I got breathing problems. Don't we all, though? We're all going to die. Hey, everybody.

Welcome back to NerdBunker. After the brief nihilism brought to you by the government. So, Pope Sinatzi. You guys. You said it, I didn't. Just trying to get the train tracks back on the rails. Just go. Just do it.

Just take off to the great white north. It's a beauty way to go. Take off. We sang like 10 verses of that before. So, okay. Yeah, that's right. So, Becadil. That's the guy I was trying to find.

Yes. Ask your doctor if Becadil is right for you. He comes up to you, Bodhi, and he's really wondering what the deal is with Barris. He was kind of quiet as he went through the mountains, but he goes up to you and he says, Hey, just so you know, this is the guy who would, like, his servants would steal our people from their beds for experiments. You sure you trust this guy? I don't know about trust. But we're going to march into battle with this guy.

We're going to fight the Demolith with this guy. He's a vampire. He's like eight feet tall. But he wants these guys out of... He wants these guys killed, too. So, I don't know. Yes. You seem really indifferent, though.

I'm kind of freaked out. I feel like every hand helps. And he's got some magical know-how. I'd rather we get somebody with some magical yes how so he he kind of listens and nods but he looks kind of irritated and he goes over to Barris and you see that he's kind of like muttering some shit

to Barris right to his face like low key like maybe picking a fight you guys are right at the edge of the woods you're kind of going through the trees and yeah he takes a swing at Barris so he's on he's on the back of his reindeer he's been riding the reindeer back and forth between you he takes out his knives and jumps off his steed and swings. I'm going to break it up. Oh, yeah? I'm going to grab the wood elf.

Roll a 20. See if you can restrain him without... What's with your strength bonus? Seven. So that's a 12. Yeah, that's strong enough where he can break free. I'm going to talk him down. Yeah.

What are you going to say? Because he's about to. He's going to roll to attack. Knock it off. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, kids. Quit it. You're not helping us.

He gets a couple of sword swings off. And Barriss just kind of drolly unsheathes his sword and just kind of parries, pang, pang. You see? He's really good. The guy heeds your warning. He takes it that nobody really wants this fight. He was hoping someone would chip in. No one's

really game. The fact that Barriss so easily defies it. Somebody would help him fight it? Yeah, he was hoping one of you or one of the other elves did, but he didn't roll well with his attempt to convince everybody, and he didn't roll well with his attempt to hit, so it all kind of bluffed out. Good.

Barriss, however, is like, Tell you what, you guys. I actually have some business I want to attend to. Why don't you go meet with... I don't like these Lunar Elves anyway. They're kind of a bunch of assholes. I'm going to just... I didn't want to say anything, but yeah.

I'm going to let you guys go in the woods alone. I feel like maybe we'll meet up when you're done recruiting them. I'm not on their home turf and feeling a little out of sight. I don't leave the house much. I'm more of an indoor boyfriend, so I'm kind of not feeling this whole social scenario. We're in here. As he turns around.

Where are you going? I'll be honest. I'm going to Count Amalekta's castle. He's got something there I want. What do you want? Something that helps me feed. Gross. Is it a fork?

We vampires were following Count Amalekda's lead. We were trying to lead... Well, I mean, granted, we had slaves. But we were trying to lead well i mean granted we had slaves but we were trying to lead a life of less predatory and uh through necromancy we'd created these things that allowed us to feed without feeding off a sentient being so let's just say there's a like a device in count on a leg does manner that i i would like to to procure to replace the one I lost in my own. So it's either a Boca burger or a flashlight.

Kind of somewhere in between. Oh, man. What a freaky Friday that would be. He's not there, right? Amalegda. No, you slayed him in his coffin. That's what I thought. Yeah, okay, that's the first guy we got.

Yeah. And he said he'll come meet up with you soon. It's off to the west. So I don't know if any of you guys have your complete Aminah map. You're kind of off the mini map at this point. Help me as Dan. Yes. Remind me why we, I mean, we were doing this mission for him originally, right?

So here's Count Amalegda's castle. You're up here in the Elven Burial. But I'm talking about Barriss. So you wanted Count Barriss to help fight alongside you right and he and he helped arm you because he's a good fighter and yeah and so he's he says he'll fight with you like he and and he also says he sort of has he wants to find meaning in what's left of his undead existence he um right he's he's a self-hating vampire. It's a socket list. How far away are we from our ultimate goal,

and why isn't he going? Why is he splitting off? He feels like you guys are headed into a gas station where someone's going to really try to pick a fight with him. It's like a bar. You're heading into a bar, basically. These Lunar Elves are a bit of an unknown. It's like Eddie Murphy

in 48 Hours. Yeah! It's like the American swim team in Brazil. He's going to just drive around the block, basically, while you and the Wood Elves... And we're going to try and get these guys in order. And after he leaves, the Wood Elves say that they actually wonder

what you mean by get us in order, because I don't know if you said that out loud. Yeah, I did. Sure, yeah. They're like, we'll take care of ourselves, but we don't really want to meet these lunar elves either. So why don't you guys just go on in?

Well, what do you mean you don't want to meet them? We're all going to fight together at some point. Yeah, but how do we put this? No one in Amina likes the Lunar Elves, no matter whether they're good or evil. The Lunar Elves are sort of alien to this place. They came from somewhere else. Have we dealt with them before?

Who's the ones I pissed off by burning the trees? These guys. Basically, you didn't like them because they had no pupils and sharp teeth, and their skin was pale and glowing blue. Aren't they going to hate me now? Do they have my face like on a... Well, Lekas sent a messenger. On a flyer at the post office?

Via Count Barris. So, okay. Another recap is Count Barris sent Torzozo the phantasmal the little toad man right with the with the cape yes to go hop through the forest and talk to lecus right uh meanwhile barris's castle burned to the ground torzo the phantasmal figured that out went to meet you in the woods and told you news from lecus right lecus actually has convinced the lunar elves elves to set aside okay all their hostility and fight alongside you just like and this is this is the message i would like to burn barris's castle i don't know uh the the remaining vampires yeah

there were three left and and now there's sort of two and a half left. Because one of them was a mind flayer, and you sort of defeated the... Oh, like in Stranger Things. Another thing I wrote into the campaign before a TV show tried to do it. But ooh! Glad you didn't have us attacked by mind hunters. Or Mindy Kaling projects. And I can recap that for you, too. These wood elves, we did a lot of work for them.

Getting control of that tree, I would think they would be a little more appreciative. Well, they do feel very appreciative, but they're wondering if you need them. They're wondering if you can just draw the Lunar Elves out of the woods without them having to go into whatever sort of home base they have deep in the woods here. Okay.

They said, it sounds like your friend's got everything under control. Why don't you just go rendezvous with your friend? Tell the Lunar Elves. Oh, Lekas, yeah. Where is Lekas? He's in Tell the Lunar Elves. Oh, Lekas, yeah. Where is Lekas? He's in with the Lunar Elves. You're thinking if you go in the woods a little bit you'll either find one of the Lunar Elves or Lekas. Well, let's do that.

And we're going to try to... The Wood Elves can fuck off. We're trying to hook up with the Lunar Elves. There's a trumpet in the background. He hums a lot It's a thing Yeah okay

So It's so hard Are we going to have to pay Are we going to have to pay Lucas Oh dude Try getting work done Yeah good luck Lucas Hey buddy What's going on Oh wow yeah Cool You ready yeah good luck Lucas hey buddy

what's going on oh wow yeah cool you ready it's getting good yeah it is oh he's loving the notebook wow

he filled the whole notebook up well you've written a whole a whole fan fiction thing there in this one Anakin loves Lego Star Wars not just the prequels you've got everybody in there.

Yeah, that's cool. Okay, can I get back? Boba Fett's in there twice. That's because he came back to life, right? He got all the Star Wars. Everybody knows that. He's Boba Fett. Yeah, I love you, buddy.

Love you, Dad. Boba Fett can never die stupidly. I apologize for being so easily distracted. Yeah, so you guys head into the woods, and the wood elves kind of set up a camp right at the periphery, right where the burned-down forest is. And Gago rejoins you, but he's got a couple of his pals kind of hovering nearby and he's got um some gifts for you guys he brings over these things they look like um sort of

uh boba like little little dew, but they're bright pink. Oh, Boba Fett? No, like Boba Tea. Like strawberry popping Boba? Like strawberry popping Boba on a string. Weird. Like six of them in a row. Anal beads.

Strawberry popping Boba where? They look suspiciously like anal beads, but he's got one for each of you three. But how do they taste? He says, hello, guys. You guys, check this out. So this is my clan. My clan's called the Fudge, by the way. You guys are super cool.

I'm from the Fudge clan. Fudge? Fudge. Fudge. With an F or a TH? A Fudge. Oh, okay. Fudge. Fudge? Yeah. With an F or a TH? A thudge. Oh, okay. Thudge.

Thudge. I would have gone with Clan Casino. Is that like a Scorsese reference? What is that? Yeah, it's sort of a half shelf. I'll try to describe it later. Ninja Turtles? It's hard to describe Clams Casino.

It's not very tasty. Oh, I get it. I mean, I don try to describe it later. Ninja Turtles? It's hard to describe Clam's Casino. It's not very tasty. Oh, I get it. I mean, I don't get it, but I'll humor you to get the story going. Yeah, so this is a special drink just for you guys. On a string? Yeah, that's balls on a string drink. It is like popping bourbon. You put it in your mouth, and you just kind of grind your teeth,

and it pops in your mouth. Weird. It's called mush g it pops in your mouth. Weird. It's called mush gunk. Uh-huh. Gunk, gunk, gunk, gunk. But it'll fuck you up real good. Mush gunk. You guys want some mush gunk?

Can I get it without peanuts? I might have a... I just don't like it with peanuts. He plops the threads of beads in your hands and waits expectantly to see if you do anything with it. What does it do? It gets you fucked up, man. I'm okay right now.

I don't need to be fucked up. You're okay? I mean... We have business to attend to. I got some work to do. You guys are straight? Is that what you're saying? You don't want to get fucked up?

Not at the moment. I want to talk to the Lunar Elves and get this game going and maybe kill some things. Seriously, he sighs deeply and his two friends roll their eyes and fly away. See you later, Gago.

Do you want me to go too? Those are my friends flying around. Whatever. Do what you gotta do. Gago flies off into the woods poor gago well no he thought he was a member of your party no he is

suddenly the charlie brown christmas music starts playing and he just flutters he's part of the thudge crew or whatever yeah i am a part of the thudge crew i have a stir of chocolate confections it's fudge dread. Jesus Christ.

Oh, God. Here is a ShamWow for the sweaty joke that you just made. Holy shit. Thanks for making me look better, Kevin. Anytime, Kevin. So you make it about 10 minutes into the woods, and it's beautiful. These are just beautiful, lush woods. There's fairy lights everywhere. There's little glowing dots all around you.

Everything is purple and dark blue, and the trees are vibrant but dark uh you hear in the distance whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop ahead of us is that all around is that a noise that we know is then it sounds familiar all right we. Who's going to take the lead on this? I shouldn't. Yeah, we are going to. Yeah. And sure enough, you see a lantern a few yards through the trees heading towards you. Howdy. Oh, hi.

Hi. Remember me? It's Lou Oven. Nice to see you. Hey, listeners, I just rolled my eyes as soon as he said hi like that just so you know a very familiar looking lunar elf

walks up to you a fairy glowing in her lantern and she says well well well so much has happened since we've seen you last yes yes but don't take it from me I sense there's been mistrust So much has happened since we've seen you last. Really? Yes, yes. But don't take it from me.

I sense there's been mistrust between us. Why don't I go fetch your friend Lekas? You wait right here. All right. She heads back. Did she say she was going to go felch Lekas? She calls back over her shoulder. Yes.

Not only did I say I was going to felch him, but I said Lycus, as in Tom Lycus, not Lekus. A difference the Dungeon Master tried to make very clear several episodes ago. That's weird. She's going to go felch Tom Lycus. That's right. Oh, really? He deserves a felching.

And she disappears into the darkness. A few more minutes pass, and you see someone in chain mail kind of going thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk through the woods towards you. Hmm. It's hard to tell through the trees. Are they coming from the same place as the literal?

I assume it's Lekas. Oh, okay. Yeah. Just for the record, last time you saw Lekas, Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, just for the record, last time you saw Lekas, he was in sort of resplendent mercenary armor, and this looks like some sort of chain mail. And it occurs to you right away,

like, oh, it could be Lekas, but it's a change in armor. All right. All right. But sure enough, it is Lekas. He comes into the clearing that you're waiting in. His big-ass, giant, broken eyeball staring directly at Bodhi. Gross.

The side of his face is still punched in. Super gross. And yeah, something just looks different about him. You're not sure what it is, but he almost looks like he's aged 10 years since you've seen him. Stop dying his hair? He stopped doing a brunette wash. Lost too much weight too fast. He ran out of dark chestnut.

Well, it's this world that ages people. Does he have any bite marks on him anywhere? Not that you can tell. He's also a dragonborn. So you're not sure. He already kind of looked like he was long in the tooth, and now he just kind of looks like maybe just slightly longer in the tooth. And he says, hey, guys, long time no see.

Hey, what's going on? And he extends a hand and tries to ignore the fact that Bodhi's rolling his eyes. Not at him. Hey, I saw you rolling the eyes of the Dungeon Master. What's going on? How did you eat it? So, yeah. Hey, how's everything rolling the eyes of the Dungeon Master. What's going on? How did you eat it? Hey, how's everything? How did it go?

Oh, it's going great. We've got about 50 Lunar Elves here. Okay, good. They're all ready to help. Cool. All right, let's go back and meet up with the other gang. All right, but you guys got a second? Yeah.

Here we go. This is why I'm rolling my eyes. Something's coming. Yeah. My shoe's going to drop. And go. So the Lunar Elves. Yeah.

I feel like they might not have been totally honest with you guys. Okay. You probably already thought that, right? Yeah. Because you picked a fight with them. Right. I was there. I mean, you set the woods on fire

because you just wanted to put some distance between you and them. I get it. They're creepy looking. You know how they kind of told you guys that the Demoliths sort of did this to the world. Kind of caused the end of the world and all that. Yes, that's why we're killing the Demolith.

That's not exactly what happened. I mean, we should still kill the Demolith. I mean, he's still the main source of evil on the island. And he's horrible and he's okay but it's kind of the lunar elves that cause the end of the world so if we can just kind of move past

that and just head over past that how are they going to help us restore everything well they're going to kill the demolith and hopefully that'll you know but why do something. It's not tracking. Well.

If they cause the end of the world, why are we killing the Demolith? Shouldn't we kill them? Well, the Demolith is also, like, a threat, you know? Like, he's trying to kill everybody, but maybe we can solve everything if we kill the Demolith.

Yeah, I feel like they want the Demolith out of the way. Yeah, nobody wants the Demolith. No, but they want the Demolith out of the way so they can rule the world. No, no, it's not like that at all. That's what it sounds like. Trust me, I've spent some real quality time with these guys. It seems like it.

They're not evil anymore. They were kind of a cult, okay? And they prayed for the moon to crash into the planet, and it did. Oops. And the Demolith struck a deal with Manan and McLeer to keep this land around in a sort of limbo. And the Demolith is in danger of destroying Manan McLeer with power. Okay.

So he's not just a threat to us, but to the gods. I mean, the gods need the Demolith out of the way. Uh-huh. Demolith out of the way. I think with the help of the Lunar Elves and if we pray to Menon McLeer then we can be a force for good and destroy the Demolith. And maybe, you know,

we can set things right. But the Demolith is the one who enslaved this whole place and came up with this scheme to bring slaves here on boats and all that stuff. So let's get rid of them, right? The lunar elves are on. They've reformed.

They've had a religious awakening. So they feel bad about crashing the moon into the earth? Very. Okay. They feel terrible T am I getting any sort of magic vibe off of off of like us off of his armor off of him any sort of are you casting anything or no I'm just sort of I'm wondering what kind of a is oh yeah what are the aura is. Oh, yeah? What are you going to do about that? Use my aura detection. Your scarab of Farseeing?

Yeah. So you take it out, and it's curious. You notice that his armor and his hammer's been replaced. He's got a staff now. Uh-huh. And there is a sort of uh he would have a weapon yeah there's there's a sort of uh gray mist around him that looks like an aura of magic but he's not what you expected you expected some more vibrant hues to come off of him. Yeah, it sounds like he's undead. He also notices that you take the scarab out, and he strokes his chin and goes, Oh, that's how it is, huh?

And he waves his hand in the air. And goes, Huh. Interesting. Is it? It is. interesting is it it is you're acting kind of strange I've spent a long time here I'm not sure if you're familiar with how time works here but I've been underground

I know how bed and body works oh my goodness I've been underground. I know how bed and body works. Oh my goodness. I've been underground where we can turn back time. You know, like the song. If I could do that, that would be so good. And I've been studying, and I've reformed myself for a new god. From Anon and McLeer

I'm no longer a mercenary cleric I am a paladin of Manan and McLeer formerly of Bahamut now Manan and McLeer and so are the Lunar Elves they worship Manan and McLeer and And so are the Lunar Elves. They worship Manana and McLeer.

And we've come to the consensus that by worshipping Manana and McLeer, we can rid this land. Manana and McLeer is weak. He is a god of the ocean, but he has lost his power with the destruction of the world. With our strength, he can come back and we can destroy the Demoliths.

And control the world. No, bring the world back. Bring the world back. I mean, sure, these guys used to be zealots. Sure, they were definitely a cult. Let's get out of here. Uh, yeah. They're not going to get out of this.

You don't want our help, huh? We're okay. He says, you know, it's funny. I've come to understand what it means to be good amongst these people. And I just detected evil. And the only evil I detected was coming from you guys. And he draws his weapon.

Everybody roll initiative. What? What? Six. And he draws his weapon everybody roll initiative Six 18 5 plus 2 20 So it's gonna be Bodhi Blackus and then is that Tom tweet is that Is that Sunray? Nine is mine, sorry. Yeah, Tom Twee. All right, Bode, what you going to do? He draws a staff. We don't need to do this.

You should just let us go. How do I know I can trust you? Well, we didn't come here to fight you. We came to fight Sedemaleth, and we're going to do that on our own. We're going to need your help. We're going to go back. He gets right up in your face and says, Prove that I can trust you.

No, I don't need to. All right. Is that your turn? No. I mean, if he steps, I mean. He's next, and he's drawn his weapon. Just a stick. Right.

You can't do much damage with that. All right, I pull out my weapon, and I say, do not do this. Roll a, are you trying to intimidate him? Yes. Roll to intimidate. Difficulty 16. Okay, so. Yeah, I get a 13. Oof. 16. Okay. So yeah,

I get a 13. Oof. Do I have any other bonuses to that? No. Uh, intimidation. Just your intimidation bonus. Um, so he,

um, so he um he says a strange prayer under his breath and punches you in the stomach hey houdini and you take uh what's your ac 15 yeah that was a hit and you take uh uh six points of damage and it burns really bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, I'm going to chop his fucking face off. Next up is Tom. I told you not to do that. No, don't I get another...

No, I wasn't raging. You used dialogue and you didn't rage. So Tom's up. Kill him. I gave him a chance. He drew a quarterstaff and punched in the stomach. Yeah, yeah. I'm killing him.

Or attempting to. With a short sword. Go for it. 11. uh short sword go for it 11 that is is there a bonus off of that one is this your wait didn't you do you still have a regular short sword or is this your new sword oh i guess i do i only have one? I think you traded in your shitty old sword for the new one, right? Didn't you throw it in? Okay. So, yeah, that's still...

What's your plus to hit on that one? What's your plus to hit on the new sword? All right. What is my plus on that? Yeah, I'm looking it up also. Oh, it's plus seven to hit. Okay, so that's 18. That's a hit.

Okay, so then I roll... D4? Mm-hmm. Whoa, man. It's got a two. Great. So you hit him. Welcome to my new podcast, Two Old Guys Vaping.

What, do I roll two more times or no? No, because you didn't get a four. You have to get a four to get the strength. But when you hit him, so Tom draws his new sword that's got a golden serpent on the handle. Oh, right. And it's super thin and narrow. handle and it's super thin and narrow and when it strikes like this a bolt of

radiant energy shoots out of the end of it and connects with his gut and he goes reeling backwards. And I said, catch me outside or I'm gonna die. Tweet, you're up. I'm going to hold person on him.

Alright. He's gonna roll and he fails so he is stuck all right hug time somebody chop him up in a little bit I don't think we need to if you're holding them, but I don't know. It might help. Is he totally turned? He seems pretty turned to me. His whole aura has changed. I don't know why I'm being nice-boaty and that vengeful. He's held

for a turn. If you want, you can turn around and head back. You can do anything you want at this point. I'm prepared for all scenarios. I feel bad hacking at him because he was helpful before, but I also, he just punched me in the stomach. I was in Scientology.

I don't like that. What do you guys think we should do? I say cut the thetans out of him. Do what? Cut the thetans out of him? Oh what? Cut the thetans out of him? Oh, God. Hit him in the head with an E-meter. What does the E-meter look like physically?

When you say hit him in the head, it makes me think it's like a cash register. It would be sort of like a polo. It looks like pod racer controls. Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. I don't know why I have such a problem with killing the dude.

Maybe you like him. Do you like him? Not really, but... Bodhi and like it. Bodhi likes to hit people that are hitting him, not when they're held. Well, you can walk away if you want.

Let him come after us. We'll kill him then. Well, he did punch me in the stomach. He certainly did. Burning damage. I'm going to punch him in the stomach as hard as I can with a gauntlet of overpasses.

Go for it. Just eye for an eye. Instead of pulling a sword on a dude who punched me I'm going to punch him Hey Houdini What's your plus to hit on arms? It's 13

Wouldn't it be strength? His AC is 16 And he's also just It is strength But this is So it's plus 7 Yeah So it's plus seven. Yeah, so it's plus seven. So it didn't hit?

No. Okay. Well, I mean, he doesn't take damage, and he can't move. So you just thud into his armor symbolically, and he makes kind of a face as he's frozen there. Symbolic punch. I wish I would have raged. Hey, how about a nice symbolic punch?

Tom, you're up. While he is held, you can still disengage from combat and walk away. Yeah, I'd like to walk away. All right. Just say fuck off and leave. Yeah, let's go.

You've changed. You used to be cool. I don't like you anymore. As you guys walk away, you notice that there appears to be something in the trees all around you. So you were being watched during that encounter. Great. And yeah, you make it out of the woods. Lekas does not follow you. Oh, God. Because he's a pussy. And he, you make it out of the woods. Lekas does not follow you.

Oh, God. Because he's a pussy. And he doesn't die. And you come out of the woods, and the wood elves are like, all right, all right, let's get going, let's get going. That did not go well at all. Forn Meyer comes over. He's like, well, all right, how many of them we got?

What's the army looking like? They really did not go well. They're not really on our side uh we think they're in it for the wrong reason and i don't really trust them and uh oh well we didn't trust them either you were the ones who told us your buddy had it in with them i agree but that buddy our buddy isn't our buddy anymore uh something's happened to him he's turned and we think he they turned him so i don't trust them as far as I can throw them. These guys are even bigger douchebags than we thought they were. Were you aware that they knocked the moon into the planet?

Wait, what? Apparently they're the ones who knocked the moon down into the... Wait, you're saying a moon got knocked into the planet? For us, we just... That's what we heard. 2,000 or so years years ago we just thought a cloud came and we knew there was something about the end of the world but we thought

apparently you really shouldn't put any of your stuff in the cloud yeah apparently they have more to do with the end of the world than we thought originally it wasn't just the demolith it's uh they were kind of kicked it off it sounds like Fornmeyer sort of scratches his head As he compares it against what lore He thought he knew about the island And he goes Eww That's no good at all

Well do you think they're going to come after us Are these guys at war with us now It seems like that could be the case It seems like they want to get Demolith out of the way. They'll die if that's the way they want to go. All right. I'm not that worried about them.

Well, I guess let's... Wait a minute. If there's no moon... It's a space station? No. If there's no moon, do they still draw their power from somewhere? Isn't that a vampiric thing, the moon? I know it's a werewolf thing.

Yeah, they're lunar elves. Well, these are all questions you may have been able to ask five minutes ago. Yeah. Right. He was being a dude. Something was wrong with him. I enjoy where this went. I truly don't know what's going on.

He was acting weird as hell. Yeah, what was the point where you felt like it went wrong? He gave off an undead aura to me, I thought. What's an undead aura? What do you mean? What do you mean undead aura it's i have a tool where i can see a person's aura can i see that i'm a druid i think i think i

might be all right yeah tell me what it means if you show me a tool do you what do you know about uh he says oh you know the auras look different through different lenses. I can at least take a look at this and tell you how to decipher something. Better, worse, better, worse, better, worse. How about now? How about now? Better, worse.

One, two. How about now? Two. He says that... I wouldn't have gotten that joke a year ago. All your guys, your bodies don't seem to give off any kind of aura. They just sort of seem to have like a gray, smoky quality to it.

But some of your armor and items have like greens and blues. So gray is just normal? Yeah. Okay. No, but he was acting weird. He wasn't acting like the Weckus from before. No but he was He was acting weird He wasn't acting like The Weckus from before

No he's He's an occult Something happened Yeah yeah He definitely joined up With former cultists Yeah and he thinks We're evil

I know I'm not evil Right Yeah He says he cast Detect Evil on U3 And the only evil He detected Was coming from you three Right, he's bullshit

Yeah, fuck that guy seriously For a Meyer goes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't look I don't know what happened It was weird. Can we trust you guys? Yes Okay Because it feels kind of like It was weird. Can we trust you guys? Yes. Okay. Because it feels kind of like you went in there and... Did you kill him? No.

He started to fight us, and we just left him for the Lunar Elves. He kind of like really quickly kind of like cocks his head and looks at your weapons for signs of bloodshed and goes, okay. Look, I wanted to kill him. He laughs and he's like, okay, now I trust you. I tried to talk him into it. Nobody would kill him.

He's like, okay, okay. We can take all the allies we can get right now, though. It's a pretty big deal for us to leave him. He was a friend of ours. He used to be our friend, and that's the thing. We don't trust him anymore, and I definitely don't trust those Lunar Elves. I always got a weird feeling from them.

You guys don't like them, so let's move on with them. Good. They're gross. They look like, I don't know, like monsters. Yeah, they're kind of gross. Yeah. So they go, okay, okay, let's go meet up with your buddy. Let's go, where is it, Count Amalegda's castle?

Oh, yeah, he couldn't have gotten that far, right? Is there any way we could... Call him? Not call him. Call him on your kazoo of nobodies? Kind of catch up with him, you know what's he on sure he's so yeah he's he's sort of heading out of the woods into this sort of plains area and uh you guys could try to double time it yeah um sure so you guys sort of double time it in that direction you do not catch

up with him um you make it all the way to count Amalegda's castle, and when you get there there's some very familiar looking humans milling around, doing repairs on the castle. Familiar who? They're the... Oh, like the people that used to be possessed by him. Yeah, they still look kind of possessed. Okay.

They're repairing Khan Amalegda's castle. But they're possessed by the Demolith, not Amalegda's castle but they're possessed by the Demolith not Amalegda because he's dead obviously well yeah what they told you was they had shared the blood

of all the vampires they were a part of some ritual to turn them into sort of thralls and so they're all kind of like servants and as you approach they recognize you and they kind of go

like kind of surprised like they thought you guys when you went off in the woods you were dead like there's no way you would have made it so they kind of like go like, they thought you guys, when you went off in the woods, you were dead. Like, there's no way you would have made it. So they kind of, like, go, like, oh. Yeah, we're pretty badass.

You're not undead and you're back. Very interesting. That's right. Yeah, let's find Barriss. They tell you Barriss is in Count Amalegda's kitchen feeding right now, if you want to. Feeding? Yeah. kitchen feeding right now if you want to feeding if you want to go in there and the guy who

is outside is a valet and he says I understand I don't have a very strong stomach myself if you'd like to wait out here in the courtyard I'd be happy to send a messenger in to fetch Count Barriss yeah tell him we're out here. Count Barriss comes out

and he's got kind of like a new armor. He seems to have found something a little more his taste. He was wearing kind of shoddy armor from Warnden, and he's got a rucksack strapped over his back.

And he says, Alright, I'm ready to go you guys let's go destroy the demolith all right um in particular tom you notice he's gotten rid of the armor that he was wearing uh that had the the assassin's sigil on the back of it i don't know if that's good or bad but okay yeah is it stronger armor? Yes. Okay. It's stronger armor.

The stuff he has now. Yes. But I wanted to make a note for Tom because the sigil that was on the back of the armor, I don't think I ever showed it to you guys. It's basically three diagonal lines. Like on Finn. Yeah, like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Finn in Force Awakens,

like blood smeared across the Stormtrooper helmet. I remember. What you recalled about it that was so specific was when Nettie was assassinated. My baby. The mark of the assassins was very mathematical. Like there was something very deliberate about it. It was very mathematical. There was something very deliberate about it. It was very angular.

It was like three. Three parallel lines. Oh. Why haven't you gone after Barriss before if you thought he was part of this assassin? I don't know if he is. I just know it's from the same place. Okay.

But he seems like he may have even... Maybe I'm planning something. Yeah, I mean, you're not sure exactly what was going on there, but he comes over and he says, yeah, I got new armor. It's better than that stuff. It had my sigil on it, so it felt

kind of familiar. Yeah, you were asking about that earlier, Tom. You got a... You don't recognize it, do you? No, I've never seen it before in my life. All right, because that kind of goes way back to my Underdark days. That sigil was kind of like my idea.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Underdark? What are you talking about? Well, me and Count Zellar, we used to be in the Underdark. What is the Underdark? Well, we were sort of like assassins. It's this underground kind of drow-connective area. Me and Zellar just used to kind of fuck around and go after people.

This is thousands of years ago. I parked in the Underdark once, and I didn't write down where my spot was, and I was down there for like 45 minutes. When I turned into a vampire, I wanted to make sure that I left my mark on my city. There was like a solid 100 years where I was still in command of my city and a vampire. I had my own...

Active locally. Yeah, we changed the Great Crag sigil to something from my own history, not just my family history. That's nice. The Great Crag symbol used to be a hammer and I changed it to these three marks.

It's in my friend Zellor's language. It's called Quaelish. I don't know if you've ever heard of Quaelish. Aquelish. No, that's like a Star Wars reference. We're not a part of that intellectual property universe. It's like a Disney thing, I think.

Strictly Wizards of the Coast over here. You kill a lot of people. Oh, my God, man. I'm thousands of years old. I mean, I turned into a vampire when I was basically a kid. So that was a long time. A long time. I mean, I barely remember the stuff I used to do, the people I used to kill.

But when was the last time you killed somebody, Rob? What would you estimate? What do you what do you mean the last time I got I'm a vampire man I mean they assassinated somebody

you mean like like when I was in the underdark yeah that was thousands of years ago okay good that's all I want to know

yeah I mean that's of course before the world ended time changed yeah times change man I don't know all right well that's good to know yeah yeah yeah me and zellar used to kill a lot of people be safe you got it buddy you killed zellar though so i he could tell you stories man he could tell you stories, man. He could tell you stories, but he's gone now. Maybe we already... Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, sometimes we didn't kill people, though.

Near the end, we brought him back here as slaves. That would be great if you had a big wedding. It'd be good to have slaves. Because there's a lot of food. The place would be a mess. Have you ever seen a yard after a wedding? It's like plastic cups every place. Yeah, especially if you've got a bouncy castle out there

and there's just kids and half-eaten cake everywhere. Oh, God, I know what you're saying, man. And then instead of paying them, you eat them. Exactly. Eat what you're saying, man. And then instead of paying him, you eat him. Exactly. Eat what you hire. I think that's the key to a balanced ledger.

This tweet guy gets it up top, bro. Air fives. He's eight feet tall, so tweety, you fly up to high five him. It's kind of just an implied five. Okay. He nods. He's kind of weirded out that you wouldn't just give him a high five. He gets it. It's more of just an implied five okay he nods he's kind of weirded out that you wouldn't just give him a high five he gets it over Wi-Fi all right let's

kill a demo let's see how it's good or get into this yeah I could kill it we didn't tell him what the leader else do we hmm we didn't tell him about the leader house did we no you didn't is there anything you want to we're not going to go with them

things did not work out what yeah it did not work out you're right to leave they're jerks yeah fuck them

let's go and they took our friend I think so oh the dragon board that I originally sent the messenger out there for

he didn't work out nope nope and he told us a story about that they caused the whole... What do you mean he's turned? Well, he doesn't seem like our friend, and he tried to fight me,

and instead of killing him, we just left him. Mueller figured that if he could just charge him with one thing, that he would flip on the higher level guys, and he was playing them like a flute. Well, hopefully the whole system's not corrupt and that'll work itself out. Yeah, hopefully. Yeah, well, you know, we all got our fingers crossed, but times are weird.

Yeah, as long as you come out of this with all three branches of government, I figure everything's going to be fine. Just make it to that next election, right? Did he say three branches of government? My brother. Oh, buddy. You guys head west to the Marshes of Gulduz, yes?

Indeed. Great. Barris asks if you guys mind if he brings some of the human thrall along with him. Are they going to fight? Yeah. All right. Yeah, but he kind of misses being the center of attention and having his own castle.

And he's kind of done some rituals with these guys while he was waiting for you, and he's kind of trying to make this his castle. God, I hate everybody in this game. So he's got some stewards who are basically going to be his servants as you march. All right. And they look pretty harmless. I mean, they look like real dopes.

Can you swing an axe or a sword? Yeah. They've got pole arms, and they're armored, but they look wimpy. For you, they couldn't take you, but you feel like they could slay a couple of monsters if you had a swarm of guys coming at you. If you guys don't care, he's going to bring three humans along with him.

Do you guys care? No. He's not going to eat anybody in front of us. You don't make it that far, though, until you notice... He says, already eaten all three guys. We just look back. Sorry, I just got to... There is.

Sorry. Can't help it. Before you... So when you go west, the woods get really thick. Before you, so like when you go west, the woods get really thick. And you remember this is sort of where Kaunamalegda created a portal to kind of speed you through these woods. So you've never actually traveled. You teleported through these woods a long, long time ago.

Right. About this time last year. long time ago about this time last year so you decide to head through and you see in a clearing and you kind of hear it coming from a distance some music and you see in the distance a form of somebody a, yeah, he's playing a lute. He's sitting on a rock. It's not Sting, is it? Is he by himself? He is by himself.

And you just hear it. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do we detect anything? Does anybody detect evil? I'm just detecting some hooks. What do you want to do? Do we see the person?

Yeah. Oh. It's a human. Human. Got a beard. I forgot to ask the guy what colors Auris were other than the gray. He's right there next to you, for Christ's sakes. Who, the guy?

Vorenmeyer, yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's have a look at him. He says, well, I think if you see any glowing red, that usually means evil items or armor. Good to know. I look? You look through the scarab and you just see a pillar of red. that usually means evil items or armor. Good to know. I look? You look through the scarab and you just see a pillar of red.

Oh, fuck. And I say that out loud. Oh, fuck. It shoots straight up into the sky. It's very evil. CCS? Very. He's kind of in the, what's the word for it?

He's full of his music. I'm giving the upside down cross to everybody. He's, let's say, 200 yards ahead. He's swept up in his own playing at the moment. You flank him. You could go around him. You could attack him from the side. Yeah, it's up to you guys.

You want to see what he does or you want to just kill him straight up? Yeah, let's see what he does, but let's kind of... He's kind of got his back to the north. Yeah, yeah. Oh, his back to us? His back to the north. You're coming from the east.

Okay. How long have we been out there? Where, in a minute? What, hiking? Oh, it was back to us? It was back to the north. You're coming from the east. Okay. How long have we been out there? Where, in a minute? What, hiking? How long have I been out there? Since Khan Amalegda's castle? Yeah.

About two hours. Okay. Are we out of there? And so you guys head north around him. You keep a distance of about 200 yards. Yeah, yeah. And just as you're almost due north of him uh music stops and you hear a voice say i see you uh-huh and what does barris know who this guy is? He turns to you and he says,

Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he one of you? Is he a vampire? I think that's Count Diendel. I was afraid it was El Cabong. How powerful is this one? Let's just say that he's a third of who defeated me. What do you mean? You took out Count Zellor.

There's two left. This is one of them. All right, okay. Let's do it, then. He's pretty tough. Are you ready? Are everyone else with us? Yeah, man, let's go fuck up a vampire.

All right. Come with us. Let's go. Deal. That'll do it, I think. Are we going to call it? Hey, everybody. I'm the senior editor of Mad Magazine now.

Oh, yeah. Officially. My issue doesn't come out until next April, and I don't take over the online stuff until January, but go fucking buy Mad Magazine please go buy it

yeah man any other things you want to plug? let's see when this is airing this is going to air next Monday we're out of banked episodes we're recording this a week before I will be in Tacoma.

I think it's just called the Tacoma Comedy Club. Oh, nice. Up with Derek Sheen next week. That'll be fun. The imp of the Northwest. Yeah. And then bring your white wine or your pink wine. White wine's for soccer moms.

He likes rosé. Yeah, he loves his rosé. Bring weed for me. But anyway, leave your red wine at home or your pink wine. And then I'm also in, I got one other gig in December. Oh, Bloomington, Indiana, that place. Haven't you done it with me? The Comedy Attic.

I used to do that with you. I did it with Bamford. It's a great club. Yep. I'm only there Friday, Saturday this time because I'll have a Big Bang Theory that week. So it's the first week of December, and I'm just there for four shows.

But please come to those. Thanks, you guys. We have a couple of quick bits of business. We have t-shirts now. Oh, yeah. You can buy our goddamn t-shirts. You should. We post links pretty regularly they're supposed to send us a test one to our p.o box so keep an eye on our cool cool brian but uh yeah we'll post in links for that shit

everywhere i think it's like cold cut press or something like that um but i'm just gonna take a half tea and see if it does anything you You might want to cut that in half. Rhodes is here if Rhodes wants to say goodbye. Buddy, do it quick. We got to... Oh, and real quick, elderwoodacademy.com slash nerdpoker, and we get credit for it.

Great. Which episode was this? It was 30. Yeah. Help us end this episode. Episode 30, Rhodes. Say thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker.

What are you playing? Lego Star Wars? Which is that? Attack of the Clones? Yeah. Is that Lego favorite? Not my favorite. You win, Rhodes.

Thanks for listening, guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.