Nerd Poker - Episode 31 - Necrofancy

Episode Date: August 20, 2019

The showdown with the Archmage of Vanzervale continues, and things get pretty brutal. The Ice Five have a lot they want the Archmage to answer for, but he's not a particularly warm and welcoming sort. They'll have to hurry too, as there's supposedly dragons nearby with a bounty on their heads. 

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint. And you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode 31 of season three. My friends are here. Hello, Chris. Hello, Brian. Sarah. Charmed, I'm sure.

Ken. Yeah. That's Ken's thing. He always breaks up the pattern, so that's my turn. I like it. I can't keep playing the game now. And Dan.

Oh, hello. Blaine. Oh, Shantay. And my nose whistle. Oh. That's a Casio. That's not my nose whistle oh that's a Casio that's not the nose whistle it's gonna put me to sleep

like a sound machine and as always at the end of the table hello Sam hi everyone hey Sam I love our Patreons the people

are the people that sponsor us I think they're really cool yeah oh no no no what the hell you responded really fast some of that maybe this first one i'm gonna thank some and we all know that he's in love with the first one because he he must have just seen their name on my laptop and he must have just been like oh man no no i just i like the idea that they keep our crazy show afloat okay that's a legitimate reason that won't make people scared of you no i would like to thank some and they're named trond kf thank you trond kf

thank you in a platonic way in a platonic way totally super chill i don't want to do that yeah thank you green eyes thank you green eyes thank you thank you jimmy davis jimmy who's got jimmy davis you know as long as we're talking about people whose names are in front of me what about sinister toaster thank you sinisterister Toaster Sinister do you want to do one more one more thank you Old Cranon

the Raging Weenus thank you Old Cranon the Raging like a cranberry lodged in your urethra the universe where we didn't want you to do one more and then people didn't get to hear that. I feel bad for anybody that lives in that universe.

That's a terrible timeline. Yeah, terrible. I heard it was Earth 2. I heard it was time for Nerd Poker and what happened last time on Earth. It's cold in here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mavis jumped and she's not even wearing headphones.

Well, she jumped through your arm because the nerve endings communicated your terror. Y'all are in the middle of combat. Y'all. What's up, y'all? It's me on the Blue Collar Narrator Tour, and either Mavis or Brian just farted. I'd go with both. She never ever farts. So we all

did that logic puzzle. That's a great Billy Joel lyric. You're at the Moon Festival in Wexhall where there was a... He's like just deliberately farting. You just like lead forward with a bigger smile on your face. I couldn't have been more suspicious of you smiling.'s not anyway you're not allowed to smile in your own house

anymore uh you decided to take advantage hold it together i'm barely able to do this voice with the fumes going in my throat right now. I don't smell anything. Do you smell farts? I smell farts. Thank you, Ken Daly. I don't yet, but there's a breeze coming. I'm scared. I think it's gone.

Okay, we're good. You got a hip life. Yeah. Did you fart, baby? So anyways, like I was saying. No. Hey, your dog can talk. Yes, daddy.

Y'alls went to the moon festival and confronted the archmage of Vanzervale via lottery. You stormed the tent. Yeah, I'm looking at your fucking dog. I can drive, too. I drive the car when you're in the way. You're mid-combat. You noticed a few particular things

about the Archmage of Vanzervale. That he is a desiccated-looking sun elf. He's got a bandana over his mouth. He's got two piles of robes in his tent and some flumps are attacking you about around into the combat he was joined by some liches or something some sort of uh flame evoking evil undead things that he teleported into the tent we are now at the top of the turn order. So, while I get that ready... You have to hit play.

No, I'm done talking. Fuck off. Let's see here. You have to take a shit action. That's why she's nodding me. She's farting. I have to poo, daddy. Alright, we're back. We're back.

All right. And we're back. Blaine, you're up. Right now, Dr. Uid is blinded. I didn't see that coming. Me too, right? Yes. The three people are blinded right now.

Y'all elves. So it's Dr. Uid, Darkthor, and Halcyon all blinded. They're partially blinded. And Queep shot himself in the eye with an arrow. Oh, that's right. So I'm going to... I don't need to know. I know where the guy is.

I'm going to throw a moonbeam on him. Fine. And then try to step back towards... is, I'm going to throw a moonbeam on him. Fine. It's a marvelous night for it. Try to step back towards just get out of range. For our listeners, would you like to tell them what a moonbeam is? I do not know where my cards are, but I will read

that out of the book. A moonbeam is a song that plays when you are in a Caribbean retirement cruise. Everyone within a 50-foot radius has to roll against eye-rolling, or they will have to go back to their rooms and wish they had never come on this fucking cruise. It is a five-foot radius. I found it, so I can...

If you want to, yeah. I was just making it up, Dan. Okay, cool. Well, I knew that part. A silvery beam of pale light shines down in a five-foot radius. Forty-foot high cylinder, of course, is going to be sort of interrupted by the tent. Sam's finding Easter eggs back there. That was fun.

Until the spell ends, dim light is going to burn people he's going to do a constitution saving throw can we does it does our being blinded impact um casting spells yeah you know what that's a good question i'm asking technically sorry but i know sorry do me a favor we have a quiz i just want to be able to prep roll a perception check and it's going to determine whether this moonbeam is three uh that's a seven seven actually so here's the deal your moonbeam is going to go uh off if you want to do it but you you know you would be casting it blind okay does that is that i mean is that bad well what i would do is if you want to commit knowing knowing your perception is so bad dr uid is going like ah

where where is this fucker and so you can cast it but i'm gonna have you roll six-sided dice to see where it actually lands uh that i could really really hurt one of my friends it's true as long as it's not creep you know what i feel like i feel like it might be bad then That I could really, really hurt one of my friends. It's true. As long as it's not a quick sweep. I feel like it might be bad then. You know what I'm going to do? What are you going to do? I have a couple of cantrips.

One is poison spray and one is flame. I'm going to do one with each hand and I'm going to do a little flamethrower right in front of me. I'm hoping it'll be in the direction of one of these jellyfish guys. Still going to have you roll that six.

Mage behind him. It's a lower difficulty because. Two. Alright. Sounds fun. What are you going to try and do? I'm going to do a little flame spray on these guys. Now, you can't do two cantrips on the same turn, can you?

I can't. I don't think so. I can't. I think you've got to pick either poison spray or... Let me take you to a flashback where I did. There I was doing it. That was a really educational flashback. I felt like the Dungeon Master wasn't paying enough attention

to the rules during that flashback. You know what? If I'm going to do that, I'm just going to throw the moonbeam at him and just say, fuck it. Okay. Uh-oh. Wait a minute. With that, too, I'm going to do a constitution saving throw,

and then I'm going to tell you why I'm doing it. All right. So the flump fails the constitution saving throw as the moonbeam cuts into it. So it doesn't quite go far enough, but it is right in front of you. And you can feel the sort of iridescent... With my new blindness powers? Cold magic energy coming off of it. Now I'm like Daredevil, right?

No, but you are like a guy who's got to roll his attack. Since I can see see can I steer people and tell them directions potentially first I'm going to have you roll your damage which is going to be 2d10 alright who's rolling

I'm playing 19 I'll take it so the flunk directly in front of you gets hit and you hear this really high pitched

and the rest of you guys see little fluffy tendrils just inside of the tent and fly in every direction. What? Oh my god. Did I flump them? You utterly annihilated that flump.

Good. Holy shit. Goodbye, flump. What about us blind people? Do we get any sense? Well, you know what's really interesting is it's your turn. So I would say you could do a perception check and get a sense of what's really interesting is it's your turn so uh i would say you could do a perception check and get a sense of what's happening what did i definitely heard a noise last time yeah i still want to attack i don't want to yeah i i you i want to say shot your

electric your lightning arrow at and the guy and you lodged one arrow in his uh midsection and the other missed him physically but the electricity still damaged right okay and I think I might yell you killed it sure thanks felt good out there one thing physically the way that's dark party I was worried is that you've got Gus like attached to you so if you tell them you're blind you could write he could help you hey gus what's up boss uh it sounds real messy out there uh did the flump in front of me die i'm gonna peek yeah it did oh no it didn't there's one still in front of me it was the one over here oh you know what i wasn't paying attention i saw part body parts and then i looked slightly to my left and there's another guy right in front of you yes holy shit still in front of

me right yeah where right there all right roll perception with advantage please right there well do i need to roll perception before i stab yeah because he's helping you. Okay. But it could still be that fate does not say this is going to work. 17 plus 3, so that's a 20. Yeah, you're good. All right, so you're going to chop at the guy in front of you? Yeah. Chop it, chop it. Roll them chops.

I'm going to do both. I'm going to do a two-handed. I'm going to short sword and, or no, my long sword and my dagger. Okay. Roll those attacks. Okay. As he does this, Gus is watching the attack happen by peeking from under his robes. No on the first one.

Oh, you whiffed! Yeah. And then, yes on the... What number was what number was it 16 yeah that's a hit okay cool roll your damage please that's on the long sword what kind of swing are you making here this is a slashing like like side to side yeah the other one the dagger's piercing this one's slashing how angry are you while you're doing this well I don't

what are you asking I don't rage anymore no but are you like you know putting some feeling into it pretty pissed off I'm blind

yeah and I don't want to die yeah that's like the main thing and one of Gus's claws is probably like curling on your nipple

my mom's all dead wait what yeah what I don't think Gus is aware of it it's just so quits and everything so the whole time Darth is like His claws is probably like curling on your nipple. My mom's all dead. Wait, what? Yeah. What? I don't think Gus is aware of it. It's just so coincidental. And so the whole time, Darth is like,

get your hand. You're grabbing me right in my. I'm not that happy that my mom's dead. I'm kind of working shit out in my head about that. What else? Eight. Eight total? No, it's 10.

So you bring your sword down on this flump and you cleave it in half and you guys hear another high-pitched squee. And Gus says, Oh my goodness! I think that's for you, Mama. But you don't

say that out loud? Wow, it's not often you get that much interior monologue role-playing games wow i'm coming mom i'm coming home and that please never do that again no you liked it i like the song you don't like my glenn dancing impression okay so you're great if he's the guy who's saying ozzy osbourne sure you're great on dancing with the stars oh man someone's super mad at me because they heard we messed that up so here's what's gonna happen sam's writing it down for later suck it future me should i try the pre-haul joke again messed that up. So here's what's going to happen. Sam's writing it down for later.

Yeah. Suck it future me. Should I try the pre-haul joke again? I wish you would really. I'm working on it. I'm working on a show you guys. Yeah what's that? It's the prequel to pre... New weekly bit.

You're fired. Hey Blaine just bank that one for next episode. I think you'll get it. Which one? Pre-haw? Write that down. Worked so well in the shower and then five times in the car. Re-hired.

Pre-haw. It's a prequel to Hee Haw. All right. You all see the Archmage of van zervale he kind of looks around he sees the two uh magic guys behind him they're they're like clawing desperately at the tent in fear just going like like trying to escape the tent uh but the tent's got this really sort of magically heavy fabric so they can't get out and so they just look like you know a couple of dans in a dining room full of dog farts and they're trying to escape and uh then he looks at the two flumps and they're just in exploded pieces

and in front of him and he kind of looks at you guys and he puts his hands together and goes out of existence. This guy? Fucker. Yeah. Blink. We neutronized it. So I have to do a couple. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh wow. Okay.

That's a bad attempt at the neutron dance. Guys, we won. Did he bamf or did he just become invisible? He took off. Yeah. He's a coward. I don't blame him. I'm pretty tough when I'm blind.

Did you just call him a coward for taking off? Yeah. I feel like the ice five does not have a lot of stuff. I never run away. I never hide. Two things happen at once. Queep, you take six points of piercing damage. Ouchies. I think I have hide. Two things happen at once. Queep, you take six points of piercing damage. Ouchies.

I think I have resistance. Why? You put your hands down and you realize you've been stabbed. Oh, dear. And then Halcine, you feel a rush of air as he suddenly blinks back into existence and you see that he has stabbed his own arm and he is panting heavily. I have? No, the Archmage. He is now...

Oh, did he try to attack? Archmage had a botch, so can you put him right in the doorway? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know where you put him. Sorry. I took him off the table. Yeah, put him right next to Halcyon. He's facing Halcyon. He just tried to stab her and missed.

Really bad. So his hand is like gushing blood. He's like panicked, like looking around what to do. Get him, guys. Fucker. Who can see him? He botched real bad. You're up, TikTok. Well, well, well.

I will enter the tent okay as you go in you see this cloaked figure in a black robe with a heavy hood and he's got a dagger kind of like limply in his hand

and he's like holding his bloody I will hit him with the axe in my hand. Oh! It's a 24, Dan. Was it an astral 20? No, it was a... Oh, believe me.

Oh, I'd be... Yeah, I feel like he would have said something. I'd be crowing. Shit. You're a crow or not a show only four points of

oh no four points of slashing damage okay that was the worst and then how much axling damage

I get two attacks it occurs to me that wizards need to see right oh yeah can i just like cut his eyes out i mean i feel like it's more like a hands over his eyes like i don't think i want to remove his eyes but i think i'm a man but i think i just want to go like can you say it in the robotic mechanical methodical voice of someone about to surgically

target eyeballs? Now, I'm not going to take your eyes, but they won't work for a while. So you're trying to grapple him. Trying to grapple, yeah. But I mean, again, I'm all about... He's going to contest a strength check. Of course. Okay, so we're doing the straight strength check?

You rolled a seven. I rolled a 21 contest a strength check. Of course. Okay, so we're doing just straight strength check? You rolled a seven. I rolled a 21. You got him. He's in your arms. That's better. Okay, but like, yeah, but I'm trying to hurt his... You just died in your arms tonight. I'm trying to hurt his eyes without like...

Must have been broken his eyes. Or at the very least, just like my... Excuse me. I inadvertently tried to use Sarah as as a demonstration inadvertently i didn't touch you i would never touch you i i mean to like make my hand into like a bad too i would never touch you i find you repulsive hey put put sam's eyes out sam i'm gonna blind you he likes it uh you get it I'm making my hand into a visor over his eyes. All right.

I think we should do... But you are trying to hurt him. Are you trying to cover his eyes? I think I want to hurt him a little bit. Yeah. I think I want him to know it's the real deal. Sounds like an unarmed strike to me. Yep.

Wait. Did I roll it already? I thought I did. You only to do uh one more attack right so didn't i roll it unarmed strike is you know you did the grapple you did oh i see and now do you have plus six to hit with unarmed strike unarmed strike uh 15 uh As you do that, you go to get his eyes. You see this very brief, translucent,

almost crystalline field go like in front of your hands and bats him away. You still got him in your arms. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. Weird. Up next. Oh, and you know what this reminds me i've got a little bit of music i can play in the background i'm gonna go play some music uh this is from uh

is it sirenscape or syrinscape it's a dude who's cool made this I think it's Serenskapy. What's up? Okay. That'll bring us around to... Oh, he's dead? This guy... Okay, he's going to just try to... These guys are still scrambling. Ken, you're up. Where is the

fucker? Oh, TikTok. Right behind. You can get the other flump out of there. He's gone. Great action. Sorry. 13.

How does his axe look in those jeans? You get to roll again with advantage because he is currently actually restrained. So why don't we put this little ring on Captain Dickfuck? Thank you. His name is Captain Dickfuck? That's his birth name. Oh.

Oh, he's wearing it like a hula hoop. I think it's Dutch. So now do I roll twice with adventure? You roll a second time. You rolled a 13. Please roll a second time. 13. All right.

It's a miss. Sweetie. He's thrashing around. So that's your first attack. I will try again. Okay. Oh, no. Ken's entire skull came off.

When you throw it on the floor, it's a botch. 20. That's a hit. Unnatural. All right. Unnatural. Unnatural, 20. Five.

Sorry, six. Oh. So it's like on the floor by your feet or something. Oh, it's by me. Oh. Oh, six. Oh. So it's like on the floor by your feet or something. Oh, it's by me. Oh. Oh, my. So yeah, you chop into him while TikTok holds him. It's rough.

He's really trying to get away. It's not going well for him. Do you wish to surrender? No. Oh. Halcine, you're up. Really? Can I see now? No. Oh. Halcine, you're up. Really? Can I see now?

No. Okay. Can I, do I have a sense of where he is? You hear, you know, a big commotion

right next to you. Yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna thrust my hands out reaching for what feels like him, like his robes,

if he's right next to me. Okay. And as I do that, I'm going to be, well, I'm going to pray to Valkyr that I'm going to successfully lay hands on this guy

and then inflict wounds on him. I feel like this will be an automatic success because he's restrained and TikTok can guide him right into you. So why don't you roll your damage? Wait, no, he does get to resist it, right? So what's the... It's a melee spell attack.

Okay, so you rolled... You would get an automatic success because you just get to touch him. So roll your damage. And I'm going to cast it at second level, so... Roll your damage, And I'm going to cast it at second level. Roll your damage, Heather. That is 28 points of necrotic damage. Holy noise.

This music is suddenly making it like we are horrible monster people. Well, this guy was just in here having a party, giving people their wish. I think he was having a disintegration, I eat your soul party. Yeah, I think he's a fucking creep and he deserves to die. I thought this was the hospitality tent. He's racked with pain. Sir, this is an Arby's.

He throws himself. I mean, you can't see this, but you can feel him violently shuddering under your hands as you cast this into him. Nice. Violent shuddering is good. Sure seems like it. Do you wish to parlay now? Dr.

Ud's up. He's just screaming right now. Ah! He's being restrained by what? I'm holding him. Whom? you're holding him by your by his face and uh and who else yeah it is kind of by his face isn't it and what is what does he look like he's doing you can't really tell uh i'm going to turn into a uh giant green moss-covered snake, and I'm going to wrap myself around him so he

can't use his hands. Is he still blind? I just want to make sure that I'm not the only person who's still blind. You're not. You're blind, and Darkthrow's blind, but when he turns into a snake, he, I believe, resets his effects. I was just thinking even if I were... You're going to drop

Moonbeam, but you're going to be able to see again, and you can... I was even thinking even if I would... You're going to drop Moonbeam, but you're going to be able to see again and you can... I was even thinking that I wouldn't need to see as much if I had the snake tongue. You can feel him with your whole body. It's not in a weird way. You get to roll with advantage, but do a strength check for me. Your knowledge of that sounds kind of weird.

God damn it. So six. He hasn't. He tries to fight you, but you manage to wrap. So now TikTok, a giant. Well, my name is Dr. Uwud, and I'm here to say. A giant wrapping snake wraps itself around the Archmajor fans of Vail. Now this is what Saturday mornings used to look like.

A wrapping snake. Word. Death. Brian, you're up. Gussie, turn him around. Gus, help him. Gus, find me a target. Well, there's a few targets.

There's a couple of kind of squealing evil wizard-looking dudes in the back of the tent. Yeah, but Gussie, as soon as he attacks them, then they can attack. Right now, they're just cowards. Well, okay. Well, then there's the Archmage guy who is being held by, well, my buddy Tick Tock. Oh, God, a snake! Oh, no! It's a huge snake! It can kill! Oh, no! It's a huge snake!

It could kill me and eat me! It's okay. Oh, no, no. Okay, okay. It's okay. I'm not slimy. I'm actually dry. Dry and smooth to the touch.

Feel his dry body. It's okay. Direct me. Direct me towards... I felt his dry body, and I feel better. Direct me towards the guy being held. I'm actually cool. I'm going to lay on a rock later.

He flies out, yeah, and he just puts your knuckles right up against him while you're holding the sword. You're like, okay. Okay. Do I have to do a perception roll or no? No. He's being double restrained right now. Do you want to lay him down on the ground?

What do you want to do now that you got him? Just say! I'm just going to... Come on. You want to manipulate him now that he's already... He can barely stand. You should totally manipulate him. Hey, before we...

Should we just talk again? Can we just talk to you for a second? Does it have to be a big murder? You can talk. I'm eating Skittles. I didn't know you were ever saying that. Oh, Jesus. I thought he was... Chill! Give me the word and this guy's gonna be

drinking black coffee in bed. That's a squeeze joke! So... This motherfucker's got a cereal box with his face on it. You better watch better watch it pal he calms down okay he says still hand over his eyes you've assaulted me i'm merely here to support the people of wexhall what what do you want of me ice five well that's not us well the druid came in here and screamed in my face that he was

in the ice five you were pretty confused about that you don't know that I scream a lot of things why are you summoning liches if you're a good guy I'm not summoning liches I'm not summoning liches. I'm protecting myself.

What? Should I stab this guy? What? I did what I had to do. You came here to kill me. Not necessarily. That is one theory we're working. Let me go and I'll dismiss my minions

am I still blinded don't want to know what he was doing at this point the blindness is wearing off but also turn undead's not gonna last too long right let me look that up does he look familiar to me

do a history check 23. she wrote a book about him i thought i'd be my dad yeah so turn undead how long long does it last? For a minute. So those things are like about, they're like turning around at this point. Yeah, you recognize him. He was from, I have to actually look up the name of the city because I put all these goddamn consonants.

I think it's Vendaria. Yeah, he was from Vendaria, the Sun Elf city that's sort of south of Blue Bug. He knew your father. And yeah, let's see. You remember his real name? Yeah, what is it? Arthur Threxshaw. What? Arthur Threxshaw what? Arthur Threxshaw

oh okay I think there's already an Arthur Threxshaw with the guild Arthur J. Threxshaw you also know that he was up to some of the so you realize this sun elf is named Arthur Threxshaw.

He is the Archmage of Vanzervale, but he was formerly one of several Archmages of Vindaria. You put together he worked for your father. He was up to some nefarious arcane bullshit that you didn't like and was one of the reasons you moved to Bluebuck. And you never knew of any specific misdeed he did, but you knew he was a part of a cabal of wizards that you didn't care for.

Arthur Threxshaw. Kind of like turns to you, freaked out. Let me go. Call off your liches. I can't unless you stop restraining me. I don't think that's true. Call them off. He like looks at them and nods and they just stare.

Send them away. I need time to just send them away. I used an emergency precaution to bring them here. Either get rid of them or you're about to get snaked. I used emergency magics. If you'll allow me, I will dismiss them through the tent, but they will terrify the people of this town. Yeah.

Just leave them here, right? I guess. Hang on a second. You're in a real pickle, Arthur. Doesn't feel great. Don't call me Arthur. More of a snake-le. I haven't gone by that name in years.

What name do you go by now? I'm the Archmage of Vanzervale. Who's the Tenebrous One? Do a persuasion check. I'm not good at this. That's a 12, Dan. He is a force of evil that I am trying to combat. What is up with Dratlana?

What of her? Some pirate? Do I look like a pirate to you? Were you killing the people who came in here to ask for wishes? Do a persuasion check. Eight. I gave them what they wanted. They wanted to go somewhere better, and that's where they went.

Where'd they go? Away to another plane of existence. One that was safer. Oh. If I pull that bandana off your face, are you going to have some weird beholder blue crystal shit? No.

I won't. This is like a horror movie. I still feel like he's killing these people. Although I think he is definitely killing these people. I don't know, guys. He's sending them to another place. Why don't I have all of you do an insight check, please? Eight.

20. Hot 12 coming in. 23. 23. Wow. That's a hell of an insight roll. What'd you get, Brent? 15.

I mean, he just stoically looks at all of you and says, I've never harmed a single person in this town. I have brought them wealth. I have brought them safety. I have brought them food. I have kept their water clean. Let me go. And Dr. Uid, you feel like he's full of shit.

And I'm constricting him, too too so I can feel a lot of him can I cast zone of truth on him you can try oh shit I think that was Dan challenging Sarah zone of truth so can you remind us how zone of truth works this is an important one we haven't done in a while whatever you're going to make me roll

it's important that you know that I just rolled a natural 20 i and it's important that you know i watched you do it so i believe you um but i don't actually know that i need to roll anything no he might need to roll a saving throw um you create a magical zone that guards against deception in a 15 foot radius sphere centered on point of your choice um any creature that starts their turn there must make a charisma saving throw. Got it. Okay. I will know whether they succeed or fail. He rolled a 20. 20 versus 17 plus 3.

Your hit was natural. Yeah, I didn't have to roll anything it turns out. But what's your spell save DC is lower than 20 right uh yeah i imagine so listeners i burst into flame when she said that um so i he he knows that i know his name now and you know that he succeeded in resisting this right so but now i'm just gonna be like but I'm assuming Dr. who had just told all of us that he's full of shit yeah yeah okay can I

Dr. can I dissipate a spell by the way because I don't want everyone else being bound to it in our 15 foot radius yeah yeah you could just dismiss dismissed so what Dismissed. Dismissed. So, you're fighting this

Nebra's one? They know something's gone wrong. At some point, someone will check in. Oh, who's they? The townspeople of Wexhall. Yeah. I bring them their food and shelter. What? Okay. We're not, this isn't like some great big

secret. We're trying to figure things out here. Okay, well let me free and let me talk to the townspeople. You know why? Because you lied to him. If you keep me prisoner in this tent, they will find me and they will come for you.

The Barrow Steps dragons are on the outskirts of town they'll come find you when they realize they don't really have the ice five and that the ice five are here in this tent i like how much you're saying ice five makes it feel like it's a real thing it's the real thing to this guy who totally is gonna throw you under the bus and he's straight up telling you if if you hold him hostage here, sooner or later the dragons will come into town. Do I remember anything about him from back then that I could bust out right now as sort of,

not like blackmail, but just like- Yeah, this will be insight. Do an insight check. Because you've got access to a lot of memories, but this is about sort of putting pieces together. Natural 20 again. Holy shit. Wow.

So know anything about him that- So 23. Can you clarify the insight? That I can like sort of putting pieces together natural 20 holy shit so know anything about him that so 23 can you clarify the insight that i can like sort of drop on him that will like blow his mind that i know it in order to like get him to talk to us you know uh great question like how's karen or whatever you know Arthur and Karen oh sure well you know specifically um that the the spells that he was casting was necromancy

um and that that was at least when he lived in Vindaria it was a big secret and he shouldn't have been doing it and that the people would have revolted then however you do you do also know from talking to a, what was going to be a mind flayer, that, that,

that, that elf, that the common people of Vendaria near the end were using necromancy. Right. So at one point, the sort of taboo broke away. But you do know he could have, he could be considered maybe the architect of the fall

of the city and that he could be held accountable for it you get that with your natural 20 okay so the architect of a fall of a civilization right so i'm like so at what point did you realize that you were the one responsible for everything that came after through your necromancy. Roll an intimidation check. Well, those 20s went bye-bye, and I rolled a five. I'm at peace with my choices. Is Karen? Yeah, that's right.

He is definitely unsettled and realizes he doesn't know who you are, but you know who he is. It's probably got a lot to do with the fact that 10 years have gone by and he wasn't particularly aware of your father's family. Right. Did someone say 10 years? Oh, I'm sorry. But he's unnerved. I mean, you've got him off guard a bit.

He's just not intimidated by it. So what do we want to do here? Well, the reason we were searching for him was to, what, figure out what had happened. He could help us with our magic quill that's been vexing us. us with our magic quill that's been vexing us. It seemed as though he was either going to be our ally

or our enemy. TikTok and Dr. U would roll a 20, please. I rolled a natural 1. I rolled a 16. He breaks free. He's been very slowly trying to wriggle, and with a burst of strength, he slides down.

Okay. Wait, he gets out of my snake grip? I was wrapped around him like a noose. Yeah. So, were you wrapped around him like a noose? Yeah, I was totally coiled up around him. All you roll with advantage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Both of you guys roll one more time. Oh, thank God. Because he was... 18. Natural 20. You got him. You got him. You got him.

I'm going to constrict him so hard he's going to fart. But you get the sense when he has a burst of strength and that he was trying to cast something to help him out and get him out of here. And he's just... Look, I think we are seconds away from allying with you called

down do you not see we are trying to figure this out and I think you are the only one who can help us murdered my assistants sorry okay we can be of great they were assistants they weren't monsters.

They attacked us. You attacked me first. Is that true? I can't remember what happened. Hey, hey. Look at this drow. Did you dig him up out of that hole in the dirt? How's your racism going?

I'm still a person. It's going well enough. My feelings, I'm only half drow. Okay, we have... Excuse me. So can you just quickly sketch out for us what happened round about when the comet struck?

Can you tell us your version of events, please? Sure. Why don't you do a persuasion check for that, though? It's just a question. Can I support her with a piece of information? Oh, 22. Nice. Okay. And what were you going to support her with? Keisha Avenue. If it helps explain things, we were on the observatory when this happened. Okay. So he tells you that, you know,

he and some druids found out about a comet that had been steered into the countryside or was being steered into the countryside by the Tenebrous one with the purpose of unlocking a dark magic from deep beneath the earth or the ground or the planet. Uh, and he was unable to steer the common away,

but he was able to break it in two. Um, after the collision, there was a lot of damage that was held back. The Archmage was able to? The Archmage was able to, along with many druids.

They gathered magical artifacts to try to reverse the gravity of the comet and reduce its speed, and they did manage to keep catastrophic things from happening, but a great deal of damage was done to the actual geography. There was still a terrible collision,

and the druids were hunted down by the Tenebrous Ones and killed, but their artifacts were kept secret. And those artifacts can be used to fight the Tenebrous Ones' magic and undo some of the damage if they can be recovered. Is the Tenebrous one's magic wild magic no okay i'm asking a question don't make me feel stupid for not knowing sorry you've read every goddamn book it's not my fault if it's easy to make you feel stupid mechanical man did you know the tenebrous one in another good one one. Was he like a... Thanks, bro.

Was he or she like a different, known by a different name at one point? He says the Tenebrous one is known to him only as a dark and evil force that lives somewhere in the mountain known as Pandemonium's Fang. Little on the head.

On Pandemonium's Fang. Have you ever heard of the violet fang? He winces. Yes, I've heard of this violet fang. What have you heard? She lives in Donkey Land with the halflings. Oh man, we're getting so much info here.

I'm overwhelmed. Okay. Guys, you remember the Violet Fang? Yeah, I remember Day after day I saw Donkey Land open for Violet Fang I will say

I know we came in hot but we are looking for someone to help us in this world I believe the Violet Fang is connected to the Tenebrous one. Like an agent of? She's definitely from another plane of existence.

The Violet Fang. Right. She might be like a Will-O-The-Wisp or something. No. A Will-O-The-Wisp is a small fey-like creature that glows. She's at least humanoid in size. This is going to be great.

I like this guy's attitude. Where did you get this warforged? Who? Where did you get this warforged thing? We didn't get him. We met him. We're all friends. Where did you buy him?

We're a group. We're a team. We didn't buy him're a group. We're a team. We didn't buy him. He's a member of our team. The Ice Five. Maybe you've heard of us. I just assumed the fifth one was the dragon. Oh, wait.

Oh, we might have to change it. You mean Gus? Yeah, he's five and a quarter. Gus, pee on his face. You fool! Just kidding. So what are you doing to try to stop the Tenebrous One? I study magics in my temple,

and I try to make discoveries that will bring the artifacts to me. You try to make discoveries? Yeah. Now who sounds stupid? He also said magic. Isn't it magic? You're playing Dungeons and Dragons. There's some weird fantasy shit

that people are going to say sometimes. We're trying to defend our friend, the Warforged, from your attacks. All the Warforged? No, this one. You're defending... He has trouble with plurals.

Why is this one talking to me as if i am its equal as if you're its equal because he is what's your you shouldn't trust those things they killed our people well there is that but you can blame me all you want but they came with the comet and they annihilated the people of indariaaria. Did they come on the comet? I'm not sure, but that might make sense. And then they emerged from the water? They did. And killed everybody?

They did. I thought everybody disappeared to another plane. I thought the cities disappeared. How do you know mechanical data? Wasn't that a while ago also? Hmm? How did... Because we heard it. What? that a while ago also? Hmm? How did, how did, what?

Because we heard it. What? How is this common knowledge? Hmm? Oh, everybody's talking about it at the old SOTY shop. He's very, he's, he's, he doesn't like that people know about this. I don't remember this actually. Sorry, Sarah. Do you guys remember this?

What cities disappeared? I think you did figure this out at some point. I remember it. I don some point. I remember it. I don't know how I remember it. Oh. Do an insight check. God damn. I'm bad at this.

Get a 20. Well, Brian said I got a 20. Does anyone else here on the Ice Five remember cities disappearing? I got a nine. Everyone's just staring at me and not answering my question. I'm not sure how you remember. Some listener remembers. Dear listener, I wish I my question. I'm not sure how you remember. Some listener remembers. Dear listener, I wish I were you.

I'm trying to remember. You think it's possible it's something that came to you that the rest of the party didn't know? Okay, so I'm not crazy. Blaine, do you remember anything about Disappearing Cities? Would that be inside? Do you, Brian? It was probably something that he heard.

I remember there was a huge chunk of lore. Yeah, I remember something. Oh, okay. I thought it might probably something that he heard i remember there was a huge chunk of lore yeah i remember something oh okay i thought it might be something that had uh i i it's hard for me to track what has been told to you guys i don't have transcripts i can search i'm trying to look here uh no i think tiktok is slipping i think tiktok is saying that okay okay but yeah he doesn't like that everyone knows well my bad that's supposed to protect the people where did they go oh yes the elven city transports to another plane of dimension as a mean of escape that's yes we all know that yes they escaped to the feywild the feywild that's what it is oh i yeah that's that that rings a bell it doesn't ring a bell for me this is scary was i drunk what did it happen no

i'm saying to you as it might have been an episode you weren't here for no no i'm saying to you as a player i think this is tiktok know something but blaine is saying he remembers hearing about it and brian said well it might be in the baron's letter which i'm trying to pull up right now we've got a huge chunk of of of Warforged lore at one point. Yeah, there's been a couple of times I whispered stuff in his ear that he unlocked as memories. Okay, so the entire Elven city transported to the Feywild? It's a common Elven defense. I can say that that is true.

That is definitely a thing. Oh, here we go. As Elves, you guys would know that that is a thing. I know. I just feel like I would have. I feel like Halcine would have been interested to know. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to say where it got lost.

It's not in the Baron's letter. I think maybe it's something I whispered to you. I think it is. Okay. So. Yep. And he's pissed. He's like, they went to the Feywild so they could escape people like this.

How can he know about where people escaped? So they're all alive? Not all of them. Many of them were killed by people like him. But the ones who were there? People being quite a generous word. Is this where the necromancy came in? You had to use the necromancy to send the city away?

Yes. Oh. But also the people had to use necromancy to fight off the warforged as they came into their houses and ripped them in half. How long ago was this? Ten years.

About ten years ago. When are you going to get over it? Do an intimidation check. I'm laughing out loud. Holy shit. Intimidation. 13. He just stares at you.

Why are you only transporting people by lottery then? If you can get them to somewhere safe, why can't you just take everybody out of people by lottery then if you can get them to somewhere safe why can't you just take everybody out of here as you say that a guy pokes his head in the tent hey what's up we're just talking uh it's that guy where's that it's what happened in here nothing nothing we're we're asking for our wishes i I hold up my winning ticket. Hello, this is private. Can you please leave us? He slowly backs out of the tent. Homer Simpson into a bush style. The archmage goes.

Anyway. What's so funny, Arthur? They're on their way uh i follow that guy okay so you leave the tent that guy has run off i'm running after okay uh he's running through the archway to the southwest and um he is heading to the woods. Do a stealth check. Stealth? Oh, 17. Great. You think you managed to avoid him seeing you. You go into the woods and you're reminded this town is surrounded by cliffs.

He runs... Hey, what's happening Normie? He runs past the series of rats and burgers Hey, what's happening, Normie? Such a weird one. He runs past the series of rats and burgers that surround this small town. And once you get out past the cliffs, he's in some open area,

and you know you have to either wait in the cliff pass, or you'll be seen. What do you do? I wait for a second okay yeah but i do a perception eyeball on him yeah yeah natural wow all right you see uh he runs out there's a small encampment uh there's literally a fireplace and a couple of traveling tents um and out of them uh step

a couple of it looks like merfolk they're like fish folk they look not unlike the ones that were in the thixit clans area uh but also coming out of the trees as this guy runs and he's just a townsperson he's wearing a decorative white robe uh out of the woods to kind of meet him come two dragon-like creatures okay one of them is uh much larger than all the ice five combined but not quite as big as havacula uh he is bright purple and has giant fairy-like wings and the other one does not have wings and instead has two black beholder eye stalks coming out of its shoulders and it just sort of slithers out of the woods and they are quietly but animatedly talking at the encampment which is several hundred feet away did you guys see once upon a time in

hollywood i saw it the other day it It was great. Yeah, we went there. We didn't get any good seats because we got there late. I'm going to run back and tell everybody we got out of here. It doesn't seem like I would fight these guys here un-by-myself. Stealth check. Brad Pitt was excellent.

I was surprised. I couldn't figure out who that one guy was. Darker leaves, and you guys are stuck. You have, let's just say, a round of you can talk to the Archmage once before he gets back. What's the deal with the crystals? The crystals are magically toxic.

Do not touch them under any circumstances. Yeah. They're what the Tenebrous One was trying to unleash. So they come from under the ground? Yes. And under the ocean. How can we contact you again? How can we stay working together?

Do you want to call our phone? Or do you want us to call your phone? I can cast a spell on a small stone that you can use to send me a message. Cool. Like, how's it work? Like, Halcine holds the stone and thinks a thought to you, and you can read it? No, speak to the stone, and I will receive it,

and I will speak back to you, and my voice will emerge from the stone. Cool! Talk rock! I want to ask him, like, but I want to mix my father's name in there, but I want to throw some other, like, Sun Elf names around and ask him, like, what do you know of you know choo-choo and larry but then also like put my father's name in there to see if he what are you trying to get out of him i just want to see like what he what story he tells about what happened versus what i remember

okay the way you remember things you left for blue bog long before any of this apocalypse shit happened in fact when you left blue bog to go meet the baron in his little observatory as far as you knew stuff was bad in vindaria but politically not anything beyond that um what he tells you is uh do you tell him who you are then if you're talking about like do you know i'm specifically trying to like name other people so he can't sort of trace one person back to me but i'll give you you're gonna do do a persuasion check and because he's if you don't tell him who you are then he doesn't freely my just for the group because i don't know so my father was like a noble sun elf in vendaria right yep yeah uh what kind of check persuasion okay oh okay uh 13 he's pretty guarded so he just basically tells you him and the other archmages did their best to support your father they only

studied necromancy in an effort to save vendaria and he uh he only uses necromancy as a last resort in an emergency like say when people burst into his tent and attack him who was hal seen's father he was what did we say he was like one of the like archdukes or something like that yeah he was like an i don't think i don't know he's not the king of vendaria noblem He was like a nobleman. Yeah. He was very wealthy. Was he alive? That's what I, because I thought he wasn't, but. You heard rumors that he had been killed.

That's what I, yeah, because that's what I had remembered, but our backstory, but now we're talking many months. Yeah. And now Darkthor runs in. Darkthor. There's a couple of dragons coming. What's the best way for us to get out of here we've got a second but

we should go well there's only two ways out the canyon to the south and the canyon to the north alright where are they? can you bloop us out of here? no I can't bloop you out of here Jesus Christ fantasy Jesus Christ yeah I was about to say

is there a pantheon of Christianity in this game? He's one of the lesser gods. Did he give us the phone stone? Oh, I like that so much. So you guys now have this. And so I'm not going to constrict this guy to death.

That's not a thing anymore. Keep in touch. K-I-T. K. Keep him alive. K-I-T. Keep him alive. So your dry body can touch him again. So these are called... I didn't really warm up too much on this guy.

He's very cold. Cold to the squeeze. Alright, these are called Sending Stones. I think they're called Phone stones, I'm pretty sure. I like talk rock better. That's good. You can call them talk rocks.

Oh, but not phone stone? That's so offensive. You can not call it a phone stone. Yeah, I'd call it an eye stone. Eye stone. Yeah, that's a good one. You'll have to spend a rest attuning yourself to it,

but it'll work, supposedly. Cool. Are you allied with these dragons? They just fixed the charger. It used to be really shitty. But you know what I'll do? I'll text you guys the info on this so you can review this when this episode's over.

No, I'm not allied with those dragons. I want them out of this town. They're trying to abuse how poor these people are. So why was that guy telling them that we're here? There's a bounty on your heads. You killed the Ratlana pirate clan. Not really.

Certainly not the rumor I heard. She's my mom. And on that note... Hey, Sam, what do you think happened on this episode? Hi, everybody. I'd be happy to tell you. All right, episode 31. We're blind.

The song Dan botched was Mama, I'm Coming Home from Ozzy Osbourne. Oh, I get it. When Dan rolls for the villains, that determines how well they do. That's why he rolled dice and that guy cut his own hand. Tick-tock is holding him by his face. Chris briefly acted out pretend violence and almost killed Sarah. Blaine casually turned into a snake.

We're holding Arthur Threxhawn restraints. Now we're quizzing him. Sarah cast his own of truth. Oh, we're looking for Druid artifacts. The song Blaine was briefly singing was added up by the violent fems. Arctur seems to have some dark flirting with tip talk. No one will tell Sarah

if they remember cities disappearing. I think we met some dragons and I'm for sure heard someone say they could talk into a rock. That's awesome. That was episode 31. Sure was. We did 31. Sure was. We did it.

You did. Anything you want to plug? I don't know what that was. Then I snorted. You guys, thanks for listening to this silly old show. Thank you. That's it? No other plugs?

Yeah, fuck it. All right. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.