Nerd Poker - Episode 31 - The Vampire's Jitterbug

Episode Date: November 22, 2017

It's coming. Boss fights that almost feel final. Our merry army of Demelith slayers has encountered Count Diandell, a powerful bard who knows more magic than any foe thus far. Will Tom's new sword finally explode with power? Will Twee survive a powerful dark spell right to the face? Will Bodhi be forced to live out his greatest fear? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Hey everybody. Blaine's a dick fucker. Have you met my friend Blaine? I'm Brian Poussin and you're listening to brian pussain's nerd poker uh i've got my friends here ken hi dan hello and me dick fuck and welcome to the wheel of fuck dick.

I went to a place where I get my medical, you know, my pharmacy. You know what I mean? Here in California. I went to the pharmacy. Yeah. And the kid that works there, this girl, she's rung me up before. The pharmacist. And she said, what do you got going on tonight i go oh i'm recording my podcast and she goes oh i've never heard your podcast i gotta listen to

your podcast what's your podcast like and i go oh uh it's just my friends and i play in dungeons And this 20-something-year-old pharmacist, her face just went, wow. She turned to Noah Wilson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Sounds cool. Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little boy, man. That's your youth youth there's a lot of dnd going on now no i know yeah i would i almost said you know like stranger things oh now i like it because

it makes me comfortable you know like et i like the stranger things that. That's the liner notes in Billy Joel's album, The Stranger. That's going to be my podcast, Stranger Things. Talk about Billy Joel. But just The Stranger. Just The Stranger. Well, you've got scenes from an Italian restaurant on there. And Vienna, what more do you need? Right.

Well, that's all I would ever need. I want to thank some of our Patreons. Someone actually put A Brian Posehn. What? What? As their Patreon name. Oh, it's... What a dumbass.

It's Ian Gerstel, the guy who made us the cool 3D printed dice. Oh, okay. I'm looking at his email address. Ian made his Patreon name a Brian Posehn. He's a Brian Posehn. Weirdo. One of six. Collect all six Brian Posehns.

Sorry to call you out, Ian, but you're a weirdo. It's a Brian Posehn joint. Also, thank you, Scott Parker. Scott Parker. Thank you, Justin Knab. Thanks, Justin.. Thanks Justin. Thanks Justin. Thank you Thomas

Cole Shockley. Thanks Thomas. Thanks Thomas Cole Shockley. And you know what? I just want to say from the bottom of my heart. Skeletor's dick. Thank you so much.

Skeletor's dick. We're riding your shaft straight to heaven. It's blowing very deep. Oh what a great dick. The best. Sometimes I get a hair caught in my pee hole when I'm in a job interview,

and I don't know how to adjust it without looking like I'm scratching my own wiener. One time, I got chicken pox, and I got one right at the tip of my urethra. It split my stream when I peed. I hate it in the middle of the night when I have to pee and lean forward like a giraffe. Thank you, Skeletoristic. Welcome to Cock Talk.

Anyway, back to killing He-Man. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to kill him. You guys were in a forest clearing Oh jeez What if I could talk? I drop a die Not only did you drop a die, Ken

But you have weird ass tiny dice For people with tiny hands I like them So weird They are small Tiny dice What happens when you drop one of those In your Elderwood Academy Towers?

It doesn't even... It doesn't depress the little kick thing lever. I gotta do that. Oh, but it does have a fun little rolly sound. Yeah. All right, so you guys are in a forest clearing. You've got your army. You're on your way to the Demolith.

Mm-hmm. And what did you find but a strange bard who registered... Oh, yeah. Red....through your Scarab of Far-seeing as a pillar of red aura. I hope it's not simply red. That would be the worst bard to run into. So yeah, you guys heard... Yeah, why don't I know that tune? That's what he was saying last time.

Oh, God. We're going to get... There's going to be a wham spell. She's dying. Hey, with any luck, it's Andrew Ridgely, and he's powerless. Let's ask him questions about Formula One But at any rate the music stopped You're about 200 yards north

His back is to you And he said I see you I see you He's been identified to us I hope he doesn't want to be our father figure Correct Everybody roll a constitution check Winston told us who he was.

16. I'm going to do the old computer algorithm to cover the, what is it, four plus. I got a nine. 21 people riding with you. 18. Nice. You got an 18.

What did you get? I got a 9. It's actually a 20. I got a plus 2 for my constitution. All you guys are okay, but two of the forest elves, wood elves, get knocked down as a strange wind blows at you from the bard. Some of the trees shake. Some of the tall grass gets flattened against the ground and

you have to squint and you see the wood elves that were knocked down are on their hands and knees screaming. That's unfortunate. Attack! Why did it fuck up their equilibrium

or something? Yeah, you're not sure what happened, but it was like a dark wind blew from where this guy was. Is that blood coming from their nose like Stranger Things? No, no blood coming from their nose yet. You can sort of

see him through the trees, and he looks like he's hovering off the ground. Sure. And he's still got his loot in hand. And you hear do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Am I in range to cast a spell against him? Go for it.

I will cast Firebolt. You will as soon as you roll to attack, everybody. Get your initiative, I should say. Oh, yeah, initiative. 11 plus 15. 12. I am last. 3 plus 2 is 5.

So, Vorenmeier goes into bear form and plows through the woods. A bunch of the druids and rangers with you get their swords, not their swords, their arrows loaded, and a few of the other rangers draw their swords. They don't follow Vornmeyer yet.

They're kind of letting him establish what's going on here. They're not sure what to make of this attack. Tom, your test fireball fireball it's gonna be a bit difficult through the trees so why don't you roll a 20 for us Four. What's your intelligence bonus? Five. All right. So you kind of like carve a path through some trees and knock a few down,

and there's some smoldering branches, but you're not sure if you hit this guy or not. All right. Sorry. He's in a clearing, but there's trees between you and him Tweeter up Yeah up in the air That's my move Fly

Are you moving Yes I'm gonna move Try to I'm okay I'm gonna try to get Directly over top of him and drill him into the ground. Sounds great. Bodhi, what are you doing?

Raging like a cage is. Yeah. Oh, what a great tip from your pal. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I will rage and use my great sword on him. You hear a... My really great sword.

A howl of rage from Fornmire and some crashing noises in the distance. All of a sudden, you see what looks like a great eye form in the sky above the trees. Tom, you're up. How far away is the eye? How far away is the count? The giant eye looks like half a mile up in the sky.

And the count's about 200 yards to your south. He's not playing any Alan Parsons project, is he? If I could think of any, I would have him do it right now. Do you have a clear shot at him yet? Yeah, how close am I? You'd have to close the distance to get a clear shot.

I'll close and shoot. Alright. I feel like you can close the distance with your bonus action so why don't you roll to attack with you got a bow right is it back to town I didn't attack on that oh wait wait that's right what were you doing I was gonna rage and attack them but I away was okay that's right I got caught up in I get up we're back it up yeah back it up so you I know what you're gonna back it in let me begin so my Irish thug why don't you will We'll see. You can't get... Like a Terminator, like Arnold Schwarzenegger,

try to play me out as if my name was Sega, because I ain't going out like no punk bitch. Get used to one style and I might switch. What? Oh, dear God, what just happened? You're not going to be able to... Why did he pose like that? Jump up and get down.

You can almost close the full distance in one go. Oh, almost. You sprint. All right. I'm sprinting. Great. Tom, now you are up. Oh, hello.

Some arrows go flying through the woods as you... Firebolt. Oh, let me... Firebolting? You're going to firebolt again? Yeah. I'll do it forever. All right.

Do I have to roll for that? Yeah, because you're trying to cut through the woods, so that's with your intelligence bonus to see if you get through. Yeah, I mean, you're not sure if it's making it to him. I'm keeping track. Hopefully I'm not killing anybody I like. Tweet, you're up. How close am I to him?

I'm sort of the eye that's above him. Half a mile up in the sky. Okay. I'm going to kind of swing around behind him as fast as I can. I guess he's facing these guys to attack them. And I'm going to

do a hold person on him. Go for it. Actually, you know what? I'm going to web him. Okay. And I'm going to concentrate everything on his loot. I'm going to squirt all my web juice directly on his loot.

Kind of like the way I ejaculate directly on Joe Satriani. Unfortunately, he made his saving throw. He did? Yes. So he continues to play. Okay, but there's web all. He did? Yes. So he continues to play. Okay, but there's Webb all around, right? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, you just created a pile of garbage around him. Okay, well, I'm going to light it up with a hand bolt. Reference Steve Vai, actually. You're talking about the woman who can... I was going to say Steve Vai, but I wanted to go with Joe Satriani because I just felt like going with a little... a little more of an instrumental kind of a thing.

Alright, roll for damage. I don't know what they're talking about. Sorry. Fire damage is what? 1d6? Naughty. They're naughty boys. Horrible. Horrible.

What is this? It increases 1d10 at 5th level So it's 2d10 2d10, thank you This is brought to you by Beef Life and Pork Life Hey Mikey beef life and pork life hey Mikey he's not moving five not much so he's a key five points but I'm kind of like trying to light that web up too yeah he notices and he decides he's gonna try to fly higher up

kind of close to where you are um and he starts uh jamming out a little tune um hey uh tom yeah uh you get a little bit of uh how's this one go um It's not my birthday It makes me feel good So roll a Constitution saving throw please Or no, Dexterity This guy's singing the worst songs Constitution saving throw Eight

Dexterity, I'm sorry, Dexterity Dexterity saving throw. Eight. Dexterity. I'm sorry. Dexterity. Dexterity saving throw. Eight. Plus four. That'll be a no. Twelve. So all of a sudden some black tentacles rise up out of the ground around you and the other wood elves and Barriss.

Huh. Barriss dismounts and starts running through them towards the vampire. You get knocked off your steed to the ground. Everyone else is starting to get pulled off of their steeds as well. Nobody made their savings. This fucking guy.

So all the deer, including the undead ones, are losing their footing in a large radius around you in particular. Bodhi, you are... Or no, it's Tui. I'm going to do a hold person. Wait, did we skip Bodhi? Yeah, it's Bodhi. You're up.

He's still up in the air, right? Mm-hmm. I'm going to fire a crossbow at him. Go for it. Roll to attack please 19 that's a hit yeah roll for damage. What do I roll for damage on a crossbow bull before I believe Yeah, wonderful, yeah before yep fuck off blame I got four funk you hear a stud you're not sure where you nailed him you're just fine up one he's flying up 1d6 cool why don't you um

roll roll a six and if it's if it's uh lower than a four i'll give you the four and then in the name of audible fuck ups the name of audible fuck ups it's my favorite u2 song so yeah that's a's a four. And yeah, you hit him somewhere in his lower extremities or his lute. You're not sure, but you heard it. Give me the lute. Barriss seems to be morphing into something. Weird. None of you guys have a good eyeline on him, but he's kind of across from you, Bodhi.

I'm going to say while I morph out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. He's definitely morphing out of his clothes actually his armor falls on the ground and question on uh crossbow since i raged would it still would i still oh that's true yeah you get to pull off pull off another shot go for it oh and here's this guy i actually have a vampire with me I actually have a vampire with me. It's Barris. Hey, Barris. Nice flowy cape.

Let's go get him. He looks cool. Oh, man. That would just be a 10. Yeah, that's a no. Sales over him. Twee are now up. I'm going to do a little hold person on him because you already went

I did it out of order on accident we'll get back to you what little person are you holding on him you know what I'm going to go with Bruno Mars he is pretty little yeah he's kind of small you know but he sells it all the way to the back

not like Billy Barty small but small no I don't want to go. Billy Barty is wee. Yeah. Yeah, he's very wee. Ever so wee. Or was.

His talent was giant. It's true. He was great on Dr. Shrinker. Holy shit. He was a madman with an eagle mind. Heart the size of Chicago. Foul play. He made me fucking laugh so goddamn hard as a kid.

Moving on. I was on his show when I as a kid. Moving on. I was on his show when I was a kid. You were on Billy Barty's show? Yeah. Well, just one time. Right. Like a regular.

But what was his show? It was like Bozo. It was a Billy Barty show. What did you do? Oh, I did a little whole person on it. It was like a series? Yeah, local kids show. Oh, he did? Yeah.

No way. God damn it. When he was already a celebrity? Huh? Casting spells on vampires is hard. Oh, wow. Yeah, I know. Magic resistance.

And I can't get off any cantrips, can I? It depends. This is falling off your chair, Brian. Yeah, sorry about that. The Viking firm. They're nice chairs. They're nice chairs. They're Viking chairs. Richard Cantrip, you trying to pull a blame?

I was just going to hit him with a little fireball just for fun. It's not a cantrip. It's a cantrip. It's a yes, I cantrip. I'm going to say go for it. I'm tripping. What are the fire bolts, Ken? They're 2D10 because you're

higher in 5th level. Damn. Alright, so he gets a little toasted He doesn't like it Oh, he doesn't like that deathy, wow He's gonna do two things Suddenly he teleports and you can't see him Oops And then you hear more music

Good boy Everybody roll a wisdom saving throw. All right. See if you can get a 17. Is a 5 a 17? No, it ain't. You're good?

Good. What about a 4? Is that a 17? Plus 3. I got a plus 3, so it's an 8. All of a sudden everybody cannot help but begin to dance. Yeah!

Except for Blaine. Except for Tweet. And Barriss. And two of the elves. So even Fjordmeyer two of the elves. So, even Forrenmeyer, the big old

bear, starts doing a Baloo Jungle Book dance right along with you guys. As he starts cranking out your favorite hits from the 80s and today. And the music is echoing. You're not sure where he is now. out your favorite hits from the 80s and today all this cloud that comes and the music is echoing and you're not sure where he is now fucking guy Bodhi you're

up well what here's here's the thing you can you can multiple turns are going to... Am I doing that walk dancing that moms do at weddings? No, you know when they're walking out to dance and they're already like, ah, all right. Yeah, you can try to do something. Get ready, dance. Here it comes. I think you're doing full-on Bob Fosse West Side Story moves. You're having trouble, but you can try to do something.

Okay. Are you doing the electric slide? That is my Indiana Jones. My snakes. I don't hate snakes. Probably a bunch of them would scare me a little, but dancing, fuck. I've always hated it. I didn't have to be dancing?

What am I doing? Try to do something. Well, I'm going to fire another crossbow at this, or bolt, crossbow bolt. I will use my crossbow to fire a bolt. Roll a perception check. Where is he? You don't know

God, dice suck today Hey Tom, you're up Okay, what can I do? Barris seems to have turned into I've been waiting to bust this guy out This guy Wow That's Barris? I've been waiting to bust this guy out This guy Wow

That's Barris? Yeah, and he is climbing up a tree Wow But he's on our side He's like a turtle praying mantis eagle What the fuck? That thing's weird He's a turtle praying mantis eagle Thank you Greg Tito at Wizards for sending me that

Oh wow, what do you call that guy? That is a hook horror That's a hook horror. That's a hook horror, yeah. It's a hooker? A hook horror. Hook? Oh, hook horror. It's a TJ hook horror. Hook horror?

He's hanging off the hood of a police cruiser. Hey! Hey! I can't see anything. Hook horror. Hook horror. Hook horror. I can't see anything. Hukara. Hukara. Hukara. Is it you? When are you okay?

Hukara. Can I see him now or no? Roll a perception check. Yeah. P.S. You're dancing. Yeah, I got it. You got it? Okay. You see he's behind you now. you're dancing. Yeah, I got it. You got it? Okay, you see he's behind you now.

Oh, shit. Firebolt's again. It's the opposite direction that you were. Just firebolt's always. Roll an intelligence check. Yes. What is it? 19.

Yeah, that's a hit. Roll for damage. Another detail there. What is it? 19. Yeah, that's a hit. Roll for damage. Where's my other detail? There, there. You love that your dice are too small for this tower. Your silly, weird dice. Five. All right, so Fadoosh.

He gets a little smoky. Good. Twee, so Fadoosh. He gets a little smoky. Good. Tweed, you're up. He is now... Tweed's not dancing, right? He's now a football field away from you, Tweed, but he's still at your height, flying above the tree line.

Okay. What's this asshole's name again? Count Diendel? Diendel. Yeah, he's gonna die. He's got like a sharply trimmed beard. I am going to... He's wearing banded mail.

Hey, I'm going to... You know how I can make my hand sort of... I sure do. Kind of disappear and appear in places. You get a little thing called mage hand That goes through another plane I'm shaking the table Tim's giving it the wiggles

I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to take my hand And I'm going to use it to Detune his lute That's the worst thing you could do speaking of indiana jones a indiana jones size boulder of phlegm just came loose from your tonsil but it's still in my mouth let's hear you swallow it shoot it anywhere i would like evidence that it's no longer in your mouth so uh yeah okay okay i'm to give you an automatic success on that.

Yeah, that's nice. He is up. I like it. I like it. And he is... That's going to fuck up all the songs. Or he might just make him sound like my downstairs neighbor. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do.

Dump. Do-do-do-do-do. Dump. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do. No, go on. No, no, no. He attempts to cast something called programmed illusion. What? But what happens is all of a sudden he falls out of the sky.

Oh, he can't use his illusion. Unless. One or two. No, he actually botched his attempt to land using magic. So he goes thunk on the ground. Now there are still tentacles

keeping you dancing folk from moving, but that is not stopping Barris, who is now... Oh, it's tentacles. There's tentacles crowded on me Not you but Tom and a bunch of the others You got out of the radius

I thought I was dancing still Satan bless you You thought you were dancing You are Tentacles didn't get you The tentacles don't force you to dance. It's the music. Oh, okay.

Got you. But that has stopped. Okay. And there's a big crater of tentacles. But I'm still dancing even though there's no music? No, you're free. Oh, okay. Got you.

This guy just got detuned and fell out of the sky. He got fucked up. Okay. Whose turn and where am I? Well, I'm letting you know what Barriss is doing. You got attacked by your sinuses for a second. Oh, okay. Barriss is going through.

He's climbing through the trees. He's trying to hustle his way over. Go, Barriss, go. Tui, you're up. I'm going to fireball him straight down into the ground from the top. Well, he's a sitting duck, so why don't you roll for damage? Okay. What's a fireball then?

Fireball. 2d10, 2d10. Or fireball? Or firebolt? Yeah, hang on one second. 242. Fireball. 242.

F is before G, right? 242. F is before G, right? 242. Yes, honey. Oh, 242, that's what you're saying. 8d6, and it's damage increases 1d6 for each slot. Fireball. What slot level are you at? It's 241, I guess.

Six. I'm level six, but that would be level five, right? Yeah, so okay. So you get to roll... Jesus fudge. You get to roll 10d6. Wow. Okay, good.

Do you have that many? You want to borrow some dice? That's 11. Here's the... I's a little tiny one. That's a 6 over here. And 16, 20, 23. Ooh. 28, 34, 40, 41.

Nice. So 41 points of fire damage as you smote him upon the scenery. Yeah, straight down from above, straight into the ground. You knock about half, not half, like a third of his hit points straight out of his body as he starts twitching and getting to his feet. Bodhi, you are up. The dancing is stopped.

You can spend your bonus action running to him. Yeah, and then I'm going to rage. Go for it. You are raging already. Just for the sake of the listeners who are... Yeah, no, I know.

They can, you know, suck Skeletor's dick yeah just 11 on that one that's a swing and a miss could you get another yep yep that's a hit all right roll for damn dams and this is Kelmar right yeah that's how I did so I tell my toddler that they rolled a success is Kelmar still all you got to do is prick your thumb and he lights up with flames okay I'll just say you automatically are doing that now cuz you love it maybe sub your prick and see what happens Wow so that's 14 Jesus and then what else do I add for the fire damage? Yeah. Is it not written in there?

Well, no, I have, let's see. I think it's plus two. Yeah, it's plus two. 2d6, no, but when raging, it's... Hey, Blaine, what's this Herald of Kalmar information plunge brought to us by? Oh, I was looking at Greatsword so yeah I think it's plus two fire damage I was going to say dog shit, nothing makes a dog

feel better than taking a big shit dog shit So I had ten on the dice and then whatever, what do you say the pluses are? You said plus two for fire. Okay, great. All right, so yeah, the sword catches him in the mail,

and he kind of gets knocked backwards, and you've burned him significantly. Good. And then Barriss is going to swing down out of the trees, and his hook pierces his armor. hook or uh-huh so his he gets both our car just thinking that he gets both arms into this guy's cheer for that's what happens when you on the hook, whore. Gee, Rad.

And he does 21 points of damage flinging this guy. Thank you, hook, hara. Tom, you're up. Oh. So you hear Foremeyer barreling back your way. Is he at range to physically attack? Mm-hmm. Okay.

Then I will use my needle sword. Go for it. With the snake thing. Roll to attack. Yes. Roll it. Come on, critical. I want to see this thing go off.

No. Six. Okay. So that's a miss, actually. Shit. So your little sword goes swing, and a little sunlight kind of gleams off of it. It's really sad when it doesn't hit.

Yep, and it kind of just does nothing. This guy drops his loot, which has been damaged. Uh-huh. And he casts... Everybody do a deck save. 17. Do a deck save 17 do a deck save for me Brian 17

yes yes absolutely no okay Tom and Bodhi and it's a no for Barris No. Okay. Tom and Bodhi. And it's a no for Barris. Success for Forenmeyer.

And then everybody else. Poor fuckers. The whole army fails. All of a sudden, your feet lose their footing. All the rocks on the ground around you begin to float, and you all shoot up in the air. And you start floating above the tree line where he used to be. You're kind of free gravity floating around above the trees with a bunch of rock sticks.

There's a squirrel chirping and it's pissing all over the place and the pee is just kind of in globules. Hey, I thought I knew nuts but now this is nuts! Let's close up on the squirrel. Oh, by the way, I saw a tweet that has been on a loop

in my head it's perfect it says the tweet was every squirrel you see is on a dare from another squirrel and now every time I see a squirrel

I can't remember who it was it was just some every time I see a squirrel now I'm like oh yeah buddy run out there act super weird

and then run back. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. I need to run across the parking lot. Oh, boy, oh, no, no, no, no. It's really funny. I need to run across that wire, across the street. All right.

Eat nine avocados. Okay. eat nine avocados okay Barriss half turns back into a vampire and starts flying up abracadabra he's trying to get his gravity back he's kind of lost he lost his role

and you see Vorenmeier trying to get within pouncing distance. He made his roll, so he managed to keep his footing. Tui, you're up. You're the only one of the crew who didn't fail your saving throw.

How close am I? I succeeded. You did? 17? 20. Oh, I thought... Actually, yeah, you're up, Tom. Do it. Well, it's got to be those good old fire bolts again. Do it, do it. It works, though.

You don't need to roll that because you can see him now. Okay. So 2D10. When Barriss got his hooks in, he tossed them. He kept them in distance. God damn it, that one always falls out. Yeah, well, that's the thing, man. That's too powerful. 12. Twelve.

Great. So, he gets hit by some fireball action. Tweet, now you are out. I'm going to do the same thing. Hit him with some fire bolts from where I am. And I'm also going to be moved to close while I'm doing this. All right. See what happened with him, too.

Mm-hmm. Fif right. Jesus. See what happened with him too. Mm-hmm. 15. Great. He takes yet more fire damage. Bodhi, you are floating right over him.

Mm-hmm. What do you want to do? Shit on him. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. If you're looking out on the left side of bode you'll see the grand can you like in in total point break fashion i just dive

yeah yeah what an interesting thing he just hit you with reverse gravity and you're gonna try to just i to give you something just for creativity. I've got to let you try it. Why don't you do a, because what you failed to get in this predicament was a deck save. Why don't we give you a wisdom save, difficulty 12. Okay. Do you have any wisdom about it? No, you sure don't.

Sure don't. Have you met Bodhi? Yes. I have met Bodhi? Yes. Yeah. I have met Bodhi. Oh. Nope. Okay, so you do a perfect point break dive pose, and you just sort of hang there floating.

Somebody push me. But that's, you're raging. I'll give you one more thing you can try to do. You can try to do that again. Yeah. Try again. Damn it. I'll give you one more thing you can try to do you can try to do that again try again damn it so you kind of kick your feet to try to get some momentum going

all you do is kick the squirrel in the crotch and it squeals and flies in the distance oh then you fucking nailed it alright Tweed you're up or no Tom Vornmeyer cannot get to this guy use my fancy pokey sword 15 that's a hit all right what happens now I roll up for four three all right so you do three

damage and then a burst of radiant light shoots out of the thing and hits him for more damage I like it and he's up he is going to actually noyear-up. I'm going to cast Levitate on Bodhi and throw him at this guy. So Bodhi will think he's flying for a second. It'll feel like he's flying. I did it, I did it. I really do it, you. My wisdom's not that low.

I'm so much luckier than you. Do an athletics check. Difficulty 10. Who, me? Yes. Okay. Athletics is my strength. Or you do have...

Oh, I botched it. Dan, I botched it. Dan, I rolled a one. I botched it. Do you have anyched it. Dan, I rolled a one. I botched it. Do you have any kind of bonus for athletics, Tweed? No, I have a strength of six, which gives me a minus two. What about my athletics? Roll a 100.

I think I just shit Bodhi's pants. Well, that's the thing. You're going to pay the price, not Bodhi. 20. All right. So you throw him, and he just kind of rolls closer and nothing. But I still do have a levitate spell on him, too. So I can at least...

You now have control over the reverse gravity spell. And it's... Yeah, I'll let it cancel it out. And now you... After he gets a turn, after Count Diendel gets a turn, you're up. You're back in control. I'm going to have a string on you

like a kite. Count Diendel casts Abidalzeem's Horrid Wilting. He casts it at you, Twee. Of course he does. Do a constitution check. Horrid wilting.

17. So much for that boner. I did not make that. For some reason, it doesn't work. Interesting. He looks at his... A dark black bolt fires out of him, and the trees around you turn black,

and branches wilt and fall to the ground, and you just float there as if nothing happened. Sure. Bodhi, you're up. Well, I feel like I can float towards him. Now you're in control, levitate style. Okay, cool. Well, I'm going to fly at him and light him up with the Herald of Kelmar.

Roll to attack. Am I still raging? Yeah. Yay. What a great number that was. I got something as raging watching this attack. Plus your bonus. Something's raging.

Okay. Whoa. Eight plus... Did you just say I had two bonuses? Yes, of fire. So that's ten damage. Roll your second attack, sir. Twenty.

Yeah. So you chop him across the chest. Is that a nine or a six? Depends on the ball Yeah it is So that's a hit right? 16 It's hard when they're freckled with

I know Prettier dice sometimes Nice So the Herald of Kelmar Rakes across his neck And for a second he locks eyes with you And then his head kind of tilts I'm really hungry for White Castle for some reason

As he locks eyes with you His head tilts back And disconnects from the rest of his body And he blows away in ash I was making a dumb joke In the wind I killed the guy? Yeah Wow One more vampire down And he blows away in ash in the wind. Wow. I killed the guy?

Yeah. Wow. Bye, dick. One more vampire down. Cool. So long. Take that. Now the one turns to dust.

I get like the Schwarzenegger puns around. Stick around. Also. You are now dust in the wind, I mean mean That's what I was going to say Hey say something about how he's a vampire Because you really sucked You must be a vampire because you really sucked I bet he didn't count on that happening

How many times can I kill you A one A two how many times can I kill you? A one, a two. You see Barrus go over, he puts his armor on, he says, let's get out of here. Who does he say that to? I heard that, Renegade. He's like, good. He's like, I tried to think of something cool

to say over my shoulder, and that was the best I came up with. Let me try that again. He kind of clears his throat and shakes his hands. So who's left of these guys? And then obviously we have the Demolith, but there's only one Count left, right?

Count Fenzen. Count Fenzen is the lackey. He is... You'll see. But is Barriss the most powerful? Or is Fenzen? Fenzen, how do I put this fenzan is this is like the steward of the demolith and watches over the march of marshes of goldies where his headquarters are and count barris was sort of like the governor he was like the guy who

kept the other guys in check. Barriss says Fenzhen's the trickiest one. Count Diendel's obviously pretty powerful. You guys did a good job. Fenzhen might be the ultimate test. What do we need to know about him? What are his...

I suppose one thing I should tell you is I've never seen his true form. Oh, okay. But does he use a lot of magic? Yeah, he uses more magic than Count Diendel. Well, Diendel used a lot. Yeah. Okay.

He uses even more. All right. He uses infinite magic. Okay. Well, let's head towards him. So you guys try to make time through the woods we'll fast forward a little bit because you're only going to count minor monsters

you get some experience just trudging through the woods how are we doing on time Sam? we are at 45 minutes excellent so you make it all the way to the edge of the marshes of Gulduz,

the Demolith's swamps, and you see a very familiar tree line that you encountered in episode one. Phantom Menace? Episode one of Nerd Poker, Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker The Phantom Menace? I believe the episode Is just called Amina

And so you see the tree line And Vorenmeyer sort of turns to you guys and says Alright well what do you guys want to do? Do you want to Storm them? Do you want to heal up? Do you want to camp out? What do you want to do?? You want to heal up? You want to camp out? What do you want to do?

Once we get in there, things might be a bit weird. I'm not down that much, but I should use a heal. I should use a heal, yeah. Why don't we do a tiny hut here? Yeah. And we'll also do a tiny Taco Bell. Oh, I like that. It'll be like a half.

And tiny diarrhea. Tiny toilet. And just heal everybody up. Relearn all our spells and stuff. Great. You gonna sleep? All that jazz?

Yeah. Do any of you want to volunteer for watch or you want to leave it to one of the elves or Barris I generally like to I will I'll do it that's what I thought dude first one yeah you got a motley crew here when it comes to trust oh wait I like them first two records, Mick Mars takes first watch. All right, your first watch, Bodhi? Yep.

Interesting. Okay. All beneath. Damn it. Damn it. You notice a human comes out of the woods. What do you want? They light up a pipe.

Who is it? They're in simple robes. They're barefoot. It's a man. Pipe in a robe? He sort of chuckles when you say it. Because he kind of looks around Lima's tiny hut, which is sort of visually

hiding you guys with magic. He hears a voice and takes another puff from his pipe. I didn't need to say anything. I should have just watched him. We're right here. Don't look at us.

What's my feeling on this guy um you're not sure it's not what you expected it's night time right it almost looks like an unarmed monk huh it's night-ish time

the lights above the mists and clouds don't really function like a sun in rain I'm gonna wait till he gets closer is this that steward guy we heard about probably oh zim zam fenzen yeah uh yeah uh he just sort of stands there kind of haughtily for the next hour you your shift is up i'm asleep What do you want to do? I'm going to tell Barris that there's a guy out here.

Do you identify him? Is it Fenzhen? Barris comes over. He's like, yeah, that's Fenzhen. Okay. Hey, everybody, wake up. What's up? Everybody wakes up.

Oh, man. Oh, jeez. I had the craziest dream. I was in my apartment, but it wasn't really my apartment. It was like a gym. I'll say you guys are healed up. Yeah, but it was supposed to be my apartment. I was in my apartment.

I was in my apartment. I was in my apartment. I was in my apartment. I was in my apartment, but it wasn't really my apartment. It was like a gym. I'll say you guys were healed up. It was supposed to be my apartment. I didn't rest. I didn't rest. Somebody else healed me? Someone healed you, yeah.

There's so many druids in this party. Someone laid hands on you. I'll take it. Lay your hands on me. And then they relearn their heal spells. You're fine. They laid hands on you. I'll take it. Lay your hands on me. And then they relearn their eel spells. You're fine. Lay your hands on you. Pour some

hands on me. The hut's still up. Is he still walking around out there? He hasn't moved his feet in the last hour. What does that mean? You notice. He hasn't moved? His feet have been planted in the same spot since he does that mean? You notice. He hasn't moved. His feet have been planted in the same spot

since he came out of the woods. So, I hate him. Can you throw invisible on other people? Mm-hmm. I get the feeling, though, that he's right through any magic yeah I would think so too as soon as I thought of that

I thought he'd probably still fuck me up well we gotta fight him so let's do it let's get started we got 10 minutes left 8 minutes everybody do a perception check yeah 13 15 oh wait Everybody do a perception check. Yeah. Thirteen.

Fifteen. Oh, wait. I'm getting into a bunch of shit here. Plus what? Yeah, I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. You feel the ground quiver for just a moment.

Mm-hmm. Did you guys feel the ground quiver? I felt the earth move. Yeah, that's what I thought. I say we kill him. Yeah, oh seriously.

Efficiently and quickly. Barrison, he had already asked him about it. This is a form similar to the one he took When he attacked me Everything got Blinding and clouded

And chaotic pretty quickly In my battle though The amount of magic hurled at me I'm more of a fighter than a caster So We'll get ready to fight Done What else should we do I want to

cast something out the door okay tell me oh yeah he's smoking a pipe he's un unarmed. All right, let's get him. Go. I don't have to roll then, do I? I'm just casting poison spray. Okay. So 2d12. Three. Eight.

So you pop out of Lehman's tiny hut, hit him with a poison spray, and he grimaces. Where's he at? What's the trees look like? He walked out of the way. The trees here are very tall and thin, and they block your vision pretty quickly

when you went in there. Last time you went in there, you were following... These are the ones I set on fire No, these are actually these lead to marshes the ground is kind of sticky here And this is where a giant pill bug descended from the trees and started hitting Like us and one of the early episodes right and I believe the second episode, okay? Is it my turn or he's not attacking back so right now once you claim to attack you're in combat right oh so did he feel the poison spray or no yeah he made a face he's still smoking fuck this guy's an asshole I kind of don't want to fire a bullet out

from the spot this whole time oh that is weird but I wonder if that's cuz he's going through the ground Cassie so we're gonna ground spell or so the ground moved I'm gonna fire a crossbow bolt Adam go for I am raging go for I'm going to fire a crossbow bolt at him. Go for it. But I am raging. Go for it. I'm going to rage first. Okay. Rage. Because I assume I stopped because we were resting. Mm-hmm. But I get four.

You can't sleep and rage. I can. It's called Ambien. That's a hit. All right. Oh, and what do I... One D6. Six.

It's just one D. Okay, yeah. Did I hit a six? Hey! I'll take it. So a bolt goes thunk right into his stomach, and he bends over, and he looks up at you. I'm going to fire another one at his face.

Go for it. Yep. Roll for damage. So it lands in his shoulder. He spits up some blood, and he collapses to the ground. Really? Mm-hmm. I would kill the...

It's not him. It's not him. I would kill the innocent person. Somebody else? I don't know. Yeah, probably. Could be somebody he's controlling. Barriss hasn't attacked yet.

He kind of looks at you guys and he goes, That's not him. He's not going to make it that simple, I think. Yeah. I've never seen him in combat before, but like I said, things got real chaotic real fast when he attacked me. Well, let's... I was basically fighting the air around me.

Let's kill whatever this thing is. Let's keep firing shit at him. Yeah, what do you want to do? Right now he's in a heap on the ground. Who's next? I got a little mage hand. I'm going to grab his pipe and bring it over to me. Sure.

You bring it over and it's got some sort of pleasurable herb in it. Like Tarryton's? Now, Crate and Barrel Potpourri Mixed Berry. Oh, Jesus. It smells like a pier one in here tolkien pipe weed yeah tolkien tolkien pipe weed uh uh uh so uh he's laying there motionless any vibes off the pipe any magic vibes off the pipe. Seems like a weed pipe. So it is crazy magical, man.

So magic. I'm going to sort of crush it under my feet and just sort of glare at the camera. Anything else? What's his aura given off? Did you just smash a weed pipe?

You take out your scarab? What happened to you? You've changed. I didn't want to get hep from it. Through the lens of your scarab of farceeing, the body is still. There's no aura at all. You think it might be dead.

What the fuck just happened? Another person in a monk robe barefoot. This time a woman comes out of the woods. Hank? Hank? Are you out there? She says,

let's try this again. Wow. She says, let's try this again. Weird. Uh, wow. Welcome to Amina. How may I help you? It seems like he's sending out minions or something. Yeah. I am Count Fenzin.

How may I be of service? Die. What do of service? Die. What do you do? Die. Do you attack? Yes. Do it. Tell me what you're doing.

Wait a minute, though. It's a woman. It's not Count Fenson, obviously. Well, it obviously is. He's controlling somebody. Yeah, humans. We'll just keep killing humans. But what does Barriss think?

I don't think these are powerful beings. Yeah, what am I getting through the scarab? How far do you think he'd have to be to control these things? He could be, I don't know how far. Like I said, I've never seen his true form. But he's probably in the woods. Shit. One minute?

Oh, we're at an hour. Yeah, yeah. What do I see through the scarab? but he's probably in the woods. Shit. One minute? Oh, we're at an hour? Yeah, yeah. What do I see through this arrow? From this woman? You see she's all, her whole body is glowing bright red. Right, but that doesn't mean she's evil. She's just taken over by evil.

The only other time you've seen flesh glow red was Count Barriss. And also that time I fell asleep at the beach. Wow. For days I couldn't put a shirt on. I feel like a french fry. Hey. Well,

obviously we've got to kill him next episode, episode 32. Yeah. Right? Count Fenzin says, I am the mouth of Fenzin. I'm here to tell you. Show your true form.

Where are you? Well, I'm in the woods. Well, we're going to just keep killing your minions until you come out. Something wonderful is about to happen. Kill me now or kill me later. We're all going to die together. That's great. Where's your pal the Demolith?

He's everywhere. You're one of those I think you're confusing this Demi Luth with our friend Jesus Christ or Demi Lovato she is super popular again he laughs and says or she I suppose I could say do you know what demolith means it means the ground he is blessed to the very earth you stand on this whole island is the demolith how about that that was never explained quite that way to me there's a reason now it's too late oh god See you next episode. All right. Any announcements? I'm just going to go home and have a delicious bowl of cinnamon beef life.

Cinnamon beef life. Cinnamon beef life. Ah, the cinnamon beef life. life I've got new dates for 2018 and at Bryan Fassane calm and then I've got coming up in December Bloomington Indiana the Comedy Attic yeah be town believe I'm there with Jeremy Essig that week. Those are always fun shows, and I'm just there for Friday and Saturday this time. Anything else?

Go buy our T-shirts. Oh, yeah, buy our T-shirts. And when he was here, I talked about how great his record is. But really, Galacticon 2 is one of the best things Brandon Small has ever done. That is a great album. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got that too. Yeah, it's so good.

And I like all the Death Clock records he did. But this is fucking so good uh check it out thanks for listening thanks guys thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California

91416 Thanks for listening. you