Nerd Poker - Episode 32 - The Flip Side

Episode Date: September 19, 2018

Our heroes have now seen the power of the Theater of Reflection, Tom Doretto now having completely transformed forever into Netty. The big question is: will anyone else dare try? Regardless, they are about to get flipped on their heads if they succeed in riding this magical tendril up to the moon. What arcane horrors will they find THERE?!?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint of Nerd Poker.

My friends are here. We're doing episode 32. There's Chris. Hello. Sarah. Ken. Dan. Boy, howdy.

Blaine. Howdy, boy. Boy, howdy. Blaine. Howdy, boy. And Sam. Hi. And I forgot last episode. Sam's in a well for luck. I didn't thank any patrons last episode, so right off the top, I'm going to say,

thank you, Dick Tracy's Arctic Taint. Nice. Thank you, Battle Cats Poker. Thank you, A Mouthful of Beful of bees and my favorite lich please so dumb but awesome so we're last please yeah oh my god and i can recognize their avatar as a longtime patreon supporter so thank you for being funny which please uh i think her name's elisa so you guys uh were in the middle of commuting with an elder god or an elder being or an elder thing it's not entirely clear because what you're speaking to is speaking largely in

riddles and metaphors and there's a bit of a language barrier. But you summoned it. You're sort of in the middle or somewhere on some floor of one of these fungal spires that reaches between the moon and the planet you came from. And yeah, I hope everyone remembers all the complicated shit that's been going on. Luckily, it happened in the middle of two episodes, so there's not a couple of weeks for us all to forget. But I'll run down the basics of

what you just learned you know uh the the primary antagonist it would seem is in zarina also known as uh jin ray dana and uh you've been told that she is um sort of like on the run from these elder beings and that the gods have imprisoned her. Um, because, uh, that's what they wanted to do to Zinzerina. But, uh,

this, this elder being is saying, return her to us. She is not supposed to be her own being. She's supposed to be a part of our collective, our Borg or whatever. And, uh, and,

uh, you can break her out of prison or you can do whatever, but, but it, it wanted you to return her out of prison, or you can do whatever, but it wanted you to return her to them, or it, or its collective, as it were.

And you're sort of still mid-dialogue with this thing. I don't know if you want to wrap it up or not. You're in the middle of a frozen warlock's chamber in the middle of its own apocalypse. I think this is one of those things where I appreciate shades of gray in characters and situations but i also am like like sort of like are we supposed to like she's evil than zarina are these things evil too like are we supposed to be handing her over to them or is that the bad thing to do like i just

feel like i feel confused about yeah i don't know maybe maybe dan can tell me whether maybe it's clearer to do an inside check anyone who's got questions do an inside check yeah because it feels like this mission has changed a couple of times like are we supposed to try to stop 19 well i know that but like the ways we're supposed to have seen it seems like it has switched. And I'm like, what do we owe these elders, really, ultimately? Nothing. Is this just an expedient way of disposing of her? It just seems... Hey, Nettie, did you do an insight check?

Yeah, let me check. What's that, 15 plus? And I feel like that cloak might have helped us And now it's gone forever What's your new insight check? You're really bummed about the cloak I don't like losing things So what did I learn?

Hey Nettie As you connect your new neurons together Yes Something occurs to you Zinzerina is for sure evil Yeah But Zinzerina is for sure evil. Yeah. But Zinzerina seems to be the god that was killed a few hundred years ago.

Yeah. And it seems Jyn Redina is this sort of different cosmic being that's imprisoned. And so Zinzerina is evil, but you don't know if this other form is evil. Wait, what? Oh, so.

We don't know if they're the same thing. Someone rolled a 20 on their insight. So, Jinredana. So they're not the same person. Jinredana became a god named Zinzerina, and Zinzerina was killed. But her cosmic essence is in prison on the moon. And you don't know if that cosmic essence is as evil as her god form was.

So maybe they're trying to achieve something good by bringing out this apocalypse? This is where it goes. You think the apocalypse is actually this whole other problem that was brought on by the lunar elves who wanted to bring Zidane back. It's a Maltese falcon.

Oddly enough, exactly. The apocalypse's a Maltese falcon. Right. Yeah. They wanted to bring Zinzarin back. Yeah, exactly. Oddly enough, exactly. The apocalypse is the Maltese falcon. Red Herring. The, the, um... Jyn Redina is a being of unknown alignment imprisoned on the moon by three gods named Umberlee, Bahamut, and Lolth. A good god, a god, and an evil god.

So it's all about balance, guys. Which I'm telling you because you've already discussed these three gods' alignments. The thing that we're dealing with is an elder, not a god. Correct. It's an elder being that's sort of outside space and time and kind of being snarky with you.

Wait, so what was it about the three gods? She was imprisoned by the three gods? Yes. On the moon. An alliance of some sort was formed between Umberlee, Bahamut, and Loth. When he was talking about your dull, stupid gods, was he talking about Bahamut, Loth, and- Yes.

Oh, okay. So that makes me feel like then less trustworthy of him, right? Uh-huh. It? Right. Yeah. less trustworthy of him, right? Uh-huh. It? Maybe. Yeah. Do a religion check.

This religion check brought to you by Extra Weak Tylenol. Plus one to your religion. 19. Extra Weak Tylenol. You won't even know you took it. This thing,

although it may, if you were to talk to it, claim to be outside of your petty alignment system, seems evil as fuck. Okay. Okay. E is F. But I mean, sometimes my enemy's enemy is my friend.

That's why it got confusing to me. This thing seems to be the enemy of your enemy of your enemy of your enemy of your enemy and your friends and your friends. Okay. The neighbor of your neighbor is a stranger. However, you did get some info out of it. You got 14 yeah about the same about the same i mean you get an evil vibe all right but wait you're you're communing with an evil being from the voice this usually means we're evil you know but but to her point

you would be cooperating with what is undoubtedly as evil as it gets if you went with the plan it is very directly trying to tell you so you're wondering if you should cooperate i would say only if you want to do an evil thing is generated that's all i just want to clear it would be an evil thing to cooperate with okay i don't think that was yeah now i feel okay thank you that wasin the, whatever, the psychic trippy drug being that they communicated with? Yes, which you did not get an alignment check off of. But it very clearly wanted to possess them and escape. It wanted to connect with them.

Possessing seemed like perhaps it was an after effect, but it also manifested as like a teenage kid and was kind of like what's a mask impish and weird it didn't seem like it was spiteful or it didn't do any rah-rah it seemed evil-ish but like it also seemed like it might just be chaotic let's just tell this we'll tell him we're gonna figure it out and then just like send him away right well does Blaine do you does Tui want to yeah Tui's been sort of talking to this thing and it just uh let's just say the last

thing it said was uh uh Jen Radina is our child our mistake deliver Jen Radina has their Child, our mistake. Deliver. Jen Radina has their powers. Does anybody do a Bane impression?

Do you want to do a body switchy thing with the other mage? Or do you just want to end this? What do you think? It's a half-elf warlock that's sort of frozen in time. No, stay are i like you just the way you are i hate that song yeah bodhi just got real mushy with your tweet i mean he might have some useful info and you could switch back was the only thought you haven't talked to the worm in a while i mean you've got some options here the worm has been a little uh scared since you summoned the elder being but there's a possibility if you did a better arcana check you could just to clarify what worked out who is

trapped on the moon zinzerina or jen jen jenredna i'll go ahead and i'll recap this for you as many times as you like because it is complicated but i think all your characters have figured it out and you've perhaps got characters with great memories. Zinzerina was a drow goddess who died hundreds of years ago. You found her cloak. You just kind of destroyed her cloak. But that's a drow goddess. That is an evil drow goddess that existed hundreds of years ago,

was the daughter of Loth, the top drow goddess. However, you have come to understand that that was sort of a manifestation of a cosmic being named jinraidana okay who is currently imprisoned on the moon and has been trying to reach out to be reborn and it has caused a whole lot of problems that she's been reaching out to be reborn and is her rebirth going to cause the apocalypse no her that's the maltese falcon the the apocalypse is all these cults that have formed around her over the years enacting a plan to bring her to the earth but they're all crazy town and stupid it seems like so it's not really her fault no turns out she's just a prisoner on the moon trying to be trying to be a real girl

again maybe she should tell her cults to stop destroying the world you get the impression she she's just a prisoner on the moon trying to be a real girl again. Maybe she should tell her cults to stop destroying the world. You get the impression she has a hard time communing with her cults and that's what the whole Dessa situation was. So maybe Dessa had it right all along.

Do a perception check. I'll still smack her head into a fucking tree. Yeah. Asshole teenager. 19. Dessa had it right all along. God.

All right, then. Although, you would also, I think, with that check go, she also had some sort of problems making positive choices in her life. No, she still killed a bunch of people. Hey, she's a teenager. Hey, I've killed kids. Who among us? So,

we should get to the moon and put Jyn Radina inside of Dessa. Yeah, but I mean, Dessa's still an asshole, though. So, shouldn't we pick a better person

for, to... There's a lot of ways you can handle this. If we're gonna let Jyn Radina enter somebody's body, then shouldn't it be... You could let Jyn Radina enter somebody's body then shouldn't it be Jyn Radna you could let Jyn Radna enter someone's body you could try to find a way to just break her essence

out of her prison you could try to go back down this tendril and destroy all the tendrils I will remind you that last time you checked in with Stormdor he was at the bottom of this tendril thrashing and chewing on it oh you know what if I check in again I might well alright build a robot Build a robot.

Build a robot. I mean, yeah. So do we feel like, are we closer to the moon than we were? Do we feel like we need to get off this tendril if he's chewing on the bottom of it? I said it again because I was just rereading your bone wand powers. Are we closer to the moon now? You don't know. We don't know.

You can do some checks. I asked the worm if he knows, like, can we get from here to the moon? Arc don't know we don't know you can do some checks i asked the worm if he knows like can we get from here to the to the moon arcana check time because maybe we should just yeah try to free her from her prison physically so nobody has to i'll give you a different answer if it's over 10 and if it's over 20 14 he says i don't want to talk with that thing in the room. Oh, hasn't it left already? No. We're still in this room. Okay, well, I was going to... With that horrible thing. I was going to pull a string, too.

How do we get rid of the diorama? Do we remember? You step out and you think it'll fade away. Can we do that? You don't want him to talk to the... Well, he doesn't seem to want to. Okay, let's do it. Well, what do you want to do, Blaine?

You are kind of leading the discussion. You on board with walking out of here? we want to try this thing i mean can we come back you don't think so no it'll be gone if you think the apocalypse apocalypse is going to finish off in this room as soon as you step out uh and it's going to take the uh the elder god with it no no this is this looks like you've just opened up a little holodeck chat with the elder god huh it'll take the it'll take the elf or whatever yeah the warlock half elf looks like he's dunzo unless you do a body swap yeah i'm not body swapping with anybody we also don't really he doesn't seem like a body swap kind of guy able to talk through the portal to the elder

god right that's kind of what we needed the elf for and you do know from talking to gendy who this whole time has just been sort of like watching everything and letting you guys lead it like looking very nervous careful and i think uh she told you earlier that this is and the worm told you this, this is sort of the soulmate whose final moments could give you a window into talking to an elder god. Right, so we achieved our goal. Achievement unlocked.

The worm gave you two things it sensed you could do. Talk to someone you knew and talk to an elder god and you've done both those things. So I'm gonna go up and absentmindedly pat the guy. See you later!

The boing, bo boing boing. Oh no, I've switched bodies with Elf Wind! You're going to say bon voyage? Yeah, let's get out of here. Alright. So I ask the worm about this new information. And you're all stepping out and it's fading away poof so i asked the worm about the new information that we've gotten about

jen raid now that maybe she's not like well because i he was saying something about being an ambassador for who the worm got the worm guy the priests yes so why don't you do another arcana check? I know. I know. You are. You've got to commune with this astral being. It's so hard. I've got to re-roll that.

Oh man. It's like walking across I had a tilted 15 but then I re-rolled and got a four. Barf. So. Well an eight.

But. So you just hear this sort of really quiet. Oh. God. Okay. Getting real tired of this. What is the point of having a worm in my guts? If it can't talk to me, I will.

So, yeah, the string reappears over the black expanse in this room. So now you're saying it doesn't... There are two other portals out of this room. There's the elevator and the brittle sort of flaky one that gandhi kind of warned you guys against so we just need to decide what we're doing you could you could use this room again i mean yes there are who's tried it so far everybody but you two we head to the moon and bodhi seems super not into meeting his soulmate i mean i'll pull the string just because i'm curious now but then we gotta go

all right figure out what we're doing. Everybody think on what our next step is. What happens if you see Bodhi? Cool. Yeah. All right. So, you pluck the string

and this scene comes into view. You do not see Stormdor. Stormdor, it would seem, is not your soulmate. I didn't understand soulmate.

You just like connected. You didn't say like soulmate. Well, I've been using it as shorthand. I mean, yeah, it's, it's,

it's a reflection of, uh, it's into a parallel dimension basically. And, and, uh, this being that you are closely matched with, you see,

um, a, uh, uh, a half wood elf wearing robes. She's knocked to the ground under what looks like some kind of boulder, and there is fire raining down. She looks like she's maybe a moment from being toasted.

Oh, no. Yeah. Does she look powerful? She looks very powerful. She's not wearing armor armor she's wearing robes hotel robes are like nice robes nice fucking hotel robes oh okay like like she stayed at the wind four seasons does my it's magical robe she's wearing magical robes Does my Arcana ability give me any. Do I think there's any way to like.

Move her from her dimension to here. Without her taking over my body. And I asked Jendi the same thing. Well I tried that mage hand thing. And it just. Do an Arcana check. And Gendi will also do an Arcana check. Ten.

You don't know. Gendy says, I don't know. You do a perception check. Bodhi's like, hey, Brian. You've got papers in your hands again, Dan. I do. Twelve. That's what Bodhi's shaking his head about.

I mean, Brian's shaking his head about. It's, what, four pages for five people. So you notice that is one of the goddamn nicest robes you've ever seen. I want to switch for a fucking robe it would be nice to save her life but yeah but then we lose you no i'm still i would still be here right in the the trade is you would lose your physical form yeah um and gain both their body and as a passenger their personality. For instance, right now, you could try to commune with Nettie, the original Nettie, Tom.

But Tom is the dominant personality. I feel the presence right now. He did have to make several charisma saving throws when he switched those. So you do wonder what the process and how complicated it is. I apologize. Step out of the little theater. Alright, sounds like we're heading to the moon, you guys.

No, I don't even care. It only took her a minute. The scene's fading away. That's all it was. All you have to do, Brian, is pluck a little string, take a peek, and walk fading away that's all it was yeah all you have to do brian is pluck a little string take a peek and walk away let's go to the planet the treasure he's the only one who didn't do it you guys i guess we'll never read these these five pages i printed out oh um well i'm not switching with anybody no of course not you can just look

alright I can't wait to meet Brian's brand new character Brian you see a hero not unlike yourself in size it's over 7 feet tall but his face instead of being orcish has dark grey fur on it

and he has long ears he is fighting a demon instead of being orcish, has dark gray fur on it, and he has long ears. Chewy. He is fighting a demon. It's one of those demons that you saw that looks like it's sort of like a warped humanoid with its flesh has sort of twisted and made its arms and legs long. It's got these sort of claws. And it is also like, it's like 12 feet is also like it's like 12 feet tall this guy's like eight

feet tall um but the this hero uh is being pounced on by the demon and he is punching it in the face and its face is being shattered into like a thousand pieces as his fist hits it it's frozen in time and you just see you don't want that body? You see fire raining down from the sky. The fire seems in the distance. Of all the heroes you've seen so far, it looks like this would take the longest for this one to get killed.

It doesn't seem like he is in any imminent danger. He's doing just fine. Have fun. Get him. It fades to black yep alright so we just need to decide what our plan is

do we want to try to release her essence so she just walks around that little purple girl just becomes like a thing in the world can we contain her essence you also don't know if that's what she would look like face to face that was sort of what the drug trip version of her was. So we're going to try to go to the moon

and talk to her? Is that the plan? I think so. We're, what, halfway to the moon already? We'd be fools to go back. Halfway-ish. Yeah.

And this is what the worm was not responding to because I can't talk to him when I was saying... You missed the arcana roll, so he's not really going to be able to help you. It seems.

Also, he kind of said like this is not his normal territory. This is for priests to use. It's not meant to connect a moon to a planet. So it seems like you're already in sort of a bastardization of these things that the cult has sort of fucked with and summoned against the normal rules. Okay. So. To the elevator you go? Yep. Maybe he can help us. He can tell us

exactly how to pilot this elevator. You can try. Well, we did a good job getting here, right? Also, you have no idea where you are. Yeah, we don't know what's going on. You don't know if you're in outer space. You don't know what the fuck. Oh, before we go, I take a a look through storm door's peepers uh great uh he's gonna try

to retain hopefully give him a bad headache uh he retains his consciousness quite easily uh you're underwater and you hear just a deep... Not snoring, just like bubbles and gurgling. He seems to be under some sort of swamp-like water right now. And that's all... I can just check in on him, right? But it doesn't happen to him? Mm-hmm. Okay.

All right. So we're going. All right. So you guys head into this little chamber this elevator chamber it shuts behind you and the panel is there and it's got again these sort of finger-sized holes that you guys can try to do arcana checks with at once four of you so who wants to give this a go? Who's got the good Arcana check? I have an 18 plus 6. So 24. I only have a plus 1 for Arcana.

I have all your character sheets pulled up. Pardon me for a second while I rename one of them. Yeah, what is Brian's new guy name? You son of a bitch. Was he a werewolf? What was he a kangaroo man? A rabbit head? I got 22

A rabbit head? Well he had giant ears Do a perception check Maybe he was a clover field An ogre? Gray fur Oh what a wasted roll That was a 26

It was a furbolg I beg your pardon Furbolg? Furbolg It's like a forest giant Thank you for that Furbolg I got a 22 on my Furbolg. Furbolg. It's like a forest giant. Thank you, man. Furbolg.

I got a 22 on my arcana. Very exotic. What did you guys get? 14 on my arcana. Hmm? 20. 24. Wow. That's a fuck of a roll, you guys.

Hey, would you do me a favor? Everybody roll a dexterity saving throw. I believe one of you gets advantage on them is that not you Brian yeah I do so your highest is a 14 and then your bonus I think I can do I already have you yeah I have you pulled up already

I got a 21 your bonus is 0 Brian 21 yeah 18 for my saving throw oh no for which one your dexterity saving throw? Oh, no. For which one? Your dexterity saving throw.

I have it. You have a zero bonus on dexterity saving throws. I'm trying to find that. Oh, okay. No, you have a plus two. Yeah. All right. I got it up.

D&D Beyond needs an update. What did you get? 13 plus five. Great. Roll a second time for me you got advantage yeah i have an 18 all right that was not high enough 18 dexterity uh but so you guys um yourselves against the wall and you each take five points of damage as you slide down the sides of this thing

and land on your heads. You two do not brace yourselves and you take only seven points of damage as without bracing yourselves you land on your heads. You took seven. Yes.

Ten. Oh, this is terrible. Somebody fell out of the sky. Oh, and did a moth just attack you? I don't know. It was weird. Really? Something came down.

Maybe it was Tom angry about his body. You're going through some changes right now tom i feel funny too freaky too friday have you noticed anything new about your new character sheet of you is there anything that you've yeah i got some nice hit points i got some nice uh yeah you've got more hit points. I got scared when I said playing cards I thought I had a deck of them. No, you do not have a deck of many things. As fun as that would be. You've got a dice set, a playing card set, some thieves tools

as any rogue would. But you've got a pretty nice dagger. You've got some magical slippers. And a cloak of invisibility. And I still got my some good spells. Yes, I like it. I'm very happy with it.

But none of your old weapons. I don't know. I'm going to miss that dagger thing. Yeah, what you going to do? So, uh, the doors open, and you guys see something real fucking weird. Uh uh you're underground and it just looks like

a cave like a normal cave that you'd be used to seeing back on your planet but uh i would say all of you got the sensation from being flipped upside down that you've made it to the other side of this thing like you got a real strong sense like, oh, if I just got flipped. We're on whatever planet we're supposed to be on. The moon. We did it. You think you're on the fucking moon.

High five, everyone. The fuck? Yeah. Okay, let's... I feel like with all you've been through, this much... Great, everyone do a, perceive, perceive. This much. Great. Everyone do a perception check, please.

I'm looking around the room. Does it taste like cheese? 19. 16. 11. 9. Oh, perception plus. Do-do-do.

12. What you got, Brian? 14. Great. Those of you who got over a 12 notice there are definitely voices coming from down the left of this tunnel that goes to the right they sure do that's why you heard them what was his name was luca do we recognize them no did anyone get over a 20 car no don't recognize the voices don't recognize the language it's too far

away and you haven't stepped out of the chamber yet. I'll give you that. You have to choose to do that. Does someone want to stealthily... Does anyone have invisibility or anything? I have an invisibility cloak. And slippers. I have invisibilitized over there. You don't know what your slippers do yet.

Yeah, they're supposed to have spiders at the window. Wait, you do have an invisibility cloak? If you look at your inventory, you might figure out. I love Brian. I will spider climb invisibly over to the place. Guess who has slippers to spider climb? Isn't that dork? Hi.

All right. Do a stealth check. Difficulty of 20. But his hands don't stick. So the whole time he's walking, he's hanging upside down. It's really awkward and painful. 33. His change falls out. Nice.

How are you liking your new body, Tom? I'm loving it. I love it. What to do? You have to go back to Tom's voice. That is very upsetting. I feel so strange. I don't like this. I've made a horrible mistake, everyone.

I regret what I've done. No, you make it really far down the tunnel, and you feel very confident as you sort of skitter across the walls and the ceiling of this tunnel. You get to the end, and you see two humans wearing plate mail. Swords, shields, they're guarding a door. They're speaking common.

What do they say? They're talking about lunch. When it's time for lunch. Weird. There's no problem breathing here on the moon? One of them says, Rod, I think I need a sandwich. Real fucking hungry.

Well, it's just only hour two of our shift, right? What's with the accents today? Just trying to keep it interesting, Brian. It's for my demo reel. It's going to be from Reseda. Oh my god, the other guard says. Yeah, from Reseda. Oh, my God. The other guard says, yeah, I feel like we've been here forever. The other guard's Becky.

Reseda now, not 1988. Oh, whatever. That's the only one I know. Are they in front of a door? They're in front of, yeah, like it's a stone door. I'm going to knock their heads to you. A stone door?'m gonna knock their heads together a stone door he he went up he's posting oh my god it didn't really make any sense

i wish i had taken my phone out and taken a photo of that pathetic holding up for the high five well sam had us point our mics towards you and so i keep looking at me keep looking at me sarah point our mics towards you and so i can't look at me sarah okay that's this i'm close to the moment in time yeah so uh do a um i'm gonna go what do you want to change before i decide no it's fine okay this is gonna be uh we'll call it a sleight of hand check Difficulty 20 Alright Sleight of hand check Got it

Seven So you plant your Hands on the back of both their heads And one of them goes Da fuck Hi guys Da fuck You pop out of invisibility and you're clinging to the ceiling uh what can i do do i have any more actions left they're going who the fuck are you

oh uh i am i'm just coming to um check out what's going on down here i I'm sorry. I'm in the body of my old girlfriend. It's a long story. Weird. She's in here too. You guys want a sandwich or something? I got some food for you. You one of them fucking cultists. No. Who? Cultists?

Never. These fucking cultists. They put this fucking weird elevator shit in the middle of our tunnel no that's weird I'm a totally different organization we're here

do a persuasion check yeah 25 get off the fucking ceiling. All right. But I'm over 20. Yeah, yeah. So.

Yeah, we're just, you know, we're opening a new restaurant and we're giving out samples. We thought you guys might like to try some. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but you better show me a fucking sandwich real fast. I'll be right back. They wait. You roll the 20. I start making some delicious... First, you come back. What is your plan?

Toothpicks and little sandwiches on a tray. Get out there. Get iced teas on that tent top. Garnish, garnish. We're going to set up a little sampler plate. Moon mushroom sandwiches. All right.

I want you to do a, let's do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Chris, it's time to talk about your proficiency skills. Oh. Hey, Chris. I sent you quite an email. Yes, you did. Because you are a dual class fighter and cook. Yes.

And the cook class is something I made from scratch. Right. And it came with a bunch of stuff. What a weird coincidence. Whoa. So you have a recipe proficiency. I do. You have skills like sustainable mobile kitchen that'll help you uh you also have uh what's what else is gonna help you for this particular uh meal that

you're trying to make well probably i would just you know go through everybody's rations all right i'd say you've got enough i mean enough You've only been in a bad landscape For two days So you've still got stuff left over From the Feywild We might want to put some sleepy potion in this If you have any proficiency with that Well

He does have A bonus towards Alchemy Great She Are we overthinking this? towards alchemy. Great. She. Are we overthinking this? I mean... Yeah, it's fun. It's not MasterChef

is all I'm saying. So here's the deal. You can roll to make a regular meal. Or you can roll to make a manwich. You can roll to make a meal that will heal them. Or you can make a check to see if you can poison it. Well, I only want to heal them if we want them on our side.

Do we want these guys on our side? Who are these guys? Prison? Jailers? A couple of you haven't chimed in on this. No idea. Do you want to kill these guards, Bodhi? I'm not sure yet.

I just want to put them to sleep. Okay. All right. So if you want to try to put him to sleep. Okay. All right. So if you want to try to put him to sleep, you're going to have to do a nature check, and you're going to get a plus... What's your bonus for this? So you get a plus one bonus.

So this is going to be a nature check difficulty of 15 to try to knock these guys out with what you have in your bag. You only get a plus one to your nature outside of that. Oh, shoot. It's a 13 with the bonus. It was a 12 plus one. Well, it's plus two because you have an inherent plus one. Also, I have a 14. That's real good.

You put a meal together, and you're pretty sure it's not going to knock them out. Yeah, we're not going to knock them out. That's how long you've got before. I would say now you know if you don't deliver this food or something to them. They're going to settle. Talk to them while they're eating. It's still going to be delicious. Somebody come with me and help me.

Where's that fucking sandwich? I should go. The cook should go. This time he's shouting. It's not like the overheard mumbling. Why don't we just all go down there? Sure. That might raise an alarm.

Okay, so... Hi, we all... Suddenly six people with trays of hors d'oeuvres come out of the darkness. No, this is... We're a caravan. We're guarding your restaurant caravan. Okay, everybody do a persuasion check.

Difficulty of 20. Ooh, I rolled a one. Is that a 20? 16. You passed. Way over. Do I trip and get food all over the boss? Not good enough.

What'd you get there, Brian? 15. I definitely passed. All right, so They grab their weapons And they say Alright You're full of shit

That sandwich looks like it's been peeled apart You've been trying to put some shit in it Looks like a shitty sandwich Eat the sandwich, you'll enjoy it It's delicious You look like a cook, which To, eat the sandwich. You'll enjoy it. There's nothing in there. You look like a cook, which, to be honest, is way more of a restaurant opening than I was expecting based on what that tiefling said a second ago.

All right. She's been through a hard day. You might want to cut her some slime. Fair enough. Look, try the sandwich, and then why don't we continue the conversation? Because I think one bite is going to change the tone and the tenor.

Do another persuasion check difficulty 20. Unless you want to try something specific with this. I just thought they might like the sandwich. All right. I got a 20. Well, not you. This is all Esmeralda. Do I light these guys up or what?

After this, something else is going to happen. I got a 15. They say, fuck your sandwich. Why are you here? I frenzy. You got one last chance. say, fuck your sandwich. Why are you here? You got one last chance. I'm frenzying. Everybody roll for initiative, please. I heard you.

19. Let's back up. First of all, everyone roll and then tell me who got something over a 20. For initiative? Yes. I got 11. Some of you get bonuses to initiative. Don't forget your bonuses to initiative. I got something over a 20. For initiative? Yes. I got 11. Some of you get bonuses to initiative. Don't forget your bonuses to initiative.

I got a 24. Awesome. Anyone else get over a 20? No. Who got between 15 and 22, 19? Do you know what my initiative thing is? Sorry. Your bonus?

Yeah. Yeah, give me one second. I feel bad because I want to kill these guys the most, and I'm going to wind up going last. Your bonus. He does. Yeah, I don't. Your bonus. You have a plus seven in your initiative. 26.

That's a fuck of an initiative. That is good. Anyone else over 20? Yes. Bodhi, what did you get? Real low. I'll be last. Four. Esmeralda? Ten. Typha? Two of us. Bodhi, what'd you get? Real low. I'll be last. Four. Four, okay.

Esmeralda? 10. Typha? 11. All right. And Gendy got 24. And these guys got a 22 and a 26

oh man sorry frenzy and Bodhi fuckers do do do do do do so do a roll off hey Tweed will you roll a six for me

two you're up oh i'm up you got a one oh okay uh it's two guys yep how far away are they they are about 10 feet in front of you and And they're wearing plate armor? Yes, sir. Two humans, heavily armored. They've got great swords. They've got them both planted in both their hands. Should I put a mass cause wounds on them?

Sure. I'll cause some mass wounds on these guys. Yes. Yeah, I'll cause some mass wounds on these guys yes yeah i'll cause some mass wounds moon fail fail roll for damage let me see what cure wound cure mass wounds are oh hey if you guys ever uh brought to you by yeah what's gonna here hang on i'm gonna pull something up uh you guys been at paladinos lately oh god what's by yeah what's gonna here hang on I'm gonna pull something up uh you guys been to Paladino's lately

oh gosh what's going on at Paladino's what's happening there uh well they got I don't know if you knew this some of the best some of our uh

our listeners yeah some of the best cover bands ever I love that people have taken this and run with it uh Charlie Monroe a folk tribute

to Marilyn Manson you can check them out uh uh that's from uh the R2D2 midget. Thank you.

Oh, my God, you guys. The Grateful Fred. Just be happy to be anywhere covering the right said Fred song. That's from Lich, please. And then the Midwest's premier tribute to 80s hardcore, Husker Duh. That's from Chip Malfunction. Hey, Tweed, what's your damage on these two guys? I saw those guys open for Frankie Goes to Burbank.

That's a good one. I enjoyed that. So it is, sorry, 48. Somebody already do Blind Malencamp? No. I don't know what they play, but... 19. Lose versions of John Malencamp.

21. Jesus Christ. All right. There you go. Holy fuck! And oh my god oh right cause one's from Reseda I'm gonna fucking stab him

should have the sandwiches guys yeah he's cool he's hot charges U-Body and misses he swings and misses but he's gonna swing a second time and he hits totally Grody to the max and misses. He swings and misses, but he's going to swing a second time. And he hits.

Totally. To the max. You take a spoon. Bogus. 18 points of slashing damage as he cuts in you with his greatsword. Took him two tries,

but not feeling too pleased about that probably. he cuts in you with his great sword. Took him two tries. But you're not feeling too pleased about that probably? That's pretty tough for a valley girl. Nettie, you're up. Oh, what's the Nettie going to do? Valley girl. Nettie is going to

I'm gonna once again just punch one of them in the face alright roll to attack you have a dagger right yeah I told you I watched a bunch of old

chips episodes recently right that is one of them that was Moon Zappa you do get a bunch of old ships episodes recently, right? That is one of them. That was Moon Zappa did a Valley Girl. You do get a plus five to hit, but he's wearing plate mail, so it goes clang right into his breastplate. He just goes, Her and two other Valley Girls would hitchhike from the valley, and then they'd get in a car and then rip off the

people in the car i didn't even remember it from back in the day but moon like before we knew her yeah you know when she's a teenager the the uh the valley guard falls asleep as gendy waves her hand nice uh valley guard Valley guard. The other guard, still awake. For sure. Guard me with a spoon. He hits Gendi. Uh-oh. For...

24 points of damage Jesus Christ She goes unconscious What did he hit her with? Greatsword Jesus I fucking hate these guys Typho, you're up

One's laying on the ground unconscious And one of them just hacked Genndy to shreds. Yeah, I point my umberly blade at him and say, taste hot sea queen ass face. Wow. Taste hot sea queen. That is our next t-shirt. Taste hot sea queen ass face.

I only got an eight. Nope, clang right off the armor. What the fuck's that? face. I only got an eight. Nope. Clang right off the armor. I would think with that taunt that was going to be really effective. I think I, I think I overtaunted. Esmeralda, you're up. All right.

I'm just going to swing the old battle X and I'm going to say, should have eaten the sandwich, bitch. That's my, that's, I'm going to try that one. Which one? Oh, on the upright one.

All right. There's your shirt. So 18 with my bonus? That's a hit. Nice. 17 armor class. You got to roll high after you call somebody bitch. That's absolutely correct.

Or yell at them about their sandwich. So seven damage. All right. Doesn't knock them down. You're up, Bodhi. Oh, wait. Do I get two attacks? That's right.

You get two attacks. Pardon me. What was in the sandwich? Type of what was in the sandwich? Yeah, tell her. You get to decide now, I guess. Hot slice of ass kicking? Say something about kicking.

I wanted him to feel sad. I think she wanted you to set her up for the joke. It was a beautiful beefsteak tomato. It was, like, thick and a little bit of salt on it, and then, like, these little greens, and then some nice mutton. Like, a nice mutton. Mutton.

Spicy. So, as Meralda says... I just scream, it sounds delicious! As I swing. 20 with my bonus. Jesus, that's a hit. And seven.

Again. All right. And there's Cheetos on the side. So you manage to just keep slashing across his arms, and it does damage, but he's fine. Is he listening to my words, though? He's definitely second-guessing his choice for not eating the sandwich after seeing his buddy get knocked out.

Bodhi, you're up. I prick my finger. I don't even feel it because I'm so fucking pissed off. Some flame bursts into the sword, and the guard goes, oh. Yeah. And then I go Your luggage. Classic. That's the racer.

And you throw your sword across the room. The first one after that beautiful line just goes clank right off of his leg. And then this one hits a 19. Nice. Yeah. That's a hit roll for damage. So the lesson here is shitty lines. Yeah, that's a hit roll for damage. Okay. So the lesson here is shitty lines.

Yeah, man. All right. Good to know. Your luggage. Yeah. Show me the money. That one was bad 25 years ago, and then I watched it just the other day,

and it's still clunky. I remember that came out after like a string of hits too, wasn't like like 96 or something you just made a bunch of really i remember your luggage in the same era as he had the worst in batman and robin where it's like if revenge is a dish served cold then this dish will be colder than you can ever i don't remember the real ones because doug benson did a bit about it at the time. And they were all like, you scream, I scream. We all scream for ice cream. It was very high. I think Chill was one of them.

Yeah, Chill for sure. He definitely did revenge for cold, but did not deliver it correctly at all. It was just a very weird. Like, hey, Mr. Freeze, who sings Do You Believe in Life After Love? And he was like, Glacier. Oh, fuck. That should have been for Pelletier. Yeah, I know. Why didn't I save it? And he was like, Glacier. Oh, fuck. That should have been for Palladino. Yeah, I know. Why didn't I save it?

What'd you roll, Brian? Ten. Great. I get one more. You get one more because you're frenzying. You know who I saw at Palladino's? Magadeth. So that slice just cuts right across his midsection.

That's what Magadeth should change their name to. Yeah, actually. That's a 23. That's a hit. He's not feeling great right now, by the way. Oh, nice. Fuck. You rolled Snick Eyes.

Tell me what this sword looks like. What are you doing with it, Brian? Right. What is your goal with this particular strike? Oh, okay. Take his head off. You're going for that neck? Yeah, yeah.

So he kind of has this look right as you bring the sword towards him. It's slow motion, and I have one hand at Conan the Barbarian. You can just see the Arby's in his eyes that he wishes he had had instead as you mouliné and just lop his head off. Okay, good. And it rolls across the floor and just lands next to his sleeping buddy. And now Bodhi's the happiest he's been for two episodes. As the battle calms down,

you guys look down and realize you've got a corpse, a sleeping guard, and a bleeding out Genbi. Can somebody... Bind her wounds. Bind her. Can I give her some healing? Lane can probably...

Food will not heal her. I can do a cure wound. How dare you. All right, go for it. Roll for healing, please. Because she is very toast. It matters what the number is, basically.

Ten. Okay, so she wakes up, but she's trashed. You got her to two hit points. can anybody else heal her too i would i would tie up this other guard too yeah i think you can make can he make food that will heal people a little bit you can but um not until give her the give her the food but they're sandwiches that's true you could give her the sandwich you just made um okay wait wait wait didn't he try it?

It's not going to heal as well as if he made a new one. But he can't make a new one until some more time has gone by. Can I just take the poison out? It wouldn't hurt her, but it's going to do less healing if you just give it to her.

If you give it to her, she gains two more. She's going to do less healing if you just give it to her. So if you give it to her, she gains two more. She's up to four hit points. I pick up the decapitated head, and I aim it towards her eating the sandwich and go, see? You eat the sandwich, you feel better. So what are they guarding? There's a stone door.

I tie up one of the guys. Is that all right? You what? I would tie up the other guy oh sure yeah yeah yeah go for it and gag him yeah and now you've got a tied up guard an awake Genndy

and a closed stone do they have anything worth taking like great swords anything else yeah you could take a great sword off of either of these I already have that sword. I mean, it's a two-handed sword, and I would say although it looks decent, you guys

are pretty loaded, and it doesn't look like... I'll take a sword. Alright, so you grab a greatsword. Do they have any keys or anything on them? Do a... Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. We're gonna go investigation check anyone who wants to try to loot these guys 20

yeah you find a key you find a nice giant brass old fashioned dungeons and dragons key yes however because you rolled a 20 they both have the same key giant brass old-fashioned Dungeons and Dragons key. Yes. However, you notice, because you rolled a 20, they both have the same key,

and there is nothing else in their pockets. Oh, man, they're probably working a nuke silo. Devoid of any gold. They're devoid of any strange moon currency that you might expect. No secondary weapons. No identifying marks or badges. All right, is this door closed? It's locked.

Should we use the key on it, guys? There is a keyhole. Yes. Okay, we use the key. Do you wanna peek through the keyhole first, Rogue? Check for traps. Yeah, that kind of thing. Sure, I don't imagine there'd be trap, but okay.

Roll a 20. Do your investigation check with your... Seven. You don't think there's a trap? No, I don't. Okay, I use the key. Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

Yeah. Hey, Esmeralda. Do a constitution saving throw, please. What do you mean trap? I just can't open the door. 21. 21. Great. What is the trap under this kind of door? 21. Great. The key explodes backwards down the hallway as you

try to put it in and turn it. That was pretty funny. And you manage to pull your hand out of the way just in time to have it nick your finger and hurt a little bit, but not like a point where the damage or anything. Just fly down the hole. Okay, I go get the key. Uh-huh. Is it still okay?

Uh-huh. So is it the other one, or is it just that we have to turn them at the same time? Let's wake this guy up. Let's wake the guy up, right? Or why don't we put it in one of their hands? Why don't we put it in sleeping guy's hand and then sort of like a puppet make him turn it

to see if it has something to do with the guards have to be doing the key? Maybe, or we could just wake him up and ask him before we blow his hand off. Because then we'll need it. Pick it. So you're going to just try and stick it in his hand and turn it?

That's what Typha wants to do. I think we should wake him up and talk to him, and this guy thinks we should pick it. I'm going to set a 30-second timer for you guys to decide what happens next. I think we should wake the guy up talk to him And this guy thinks we should pick it I'm going to set a 30 second timer for you guys to decide I think we should wake the guy up Wake him up Alright you wake him up and he goes Did you just kill my friend?

He almost killed our friend first Is that the one you were hoping he was dead? I wanted to kill you What did you say it again? I said he tried to kill our friend first And you guys tried to kill our friend first and he and that's the truth. You guys tried

to drug us I could tell. Those sandwiches were delicious. I promise you there was nothing in those sandwiches that would have hurt you.

This is a weird hill for you to die on after killing my friend. What are you guarding here? This is an astral prison. Why is it that this one that's also alive? Why can't we have the British one back?

Hey, I remember who said one had to be from Reseda, but I think it was me. Yeah, we know what you're guarding. I'm guarding, like, everything. Why don't you take your little valley accent and unlock the door for us? Why would I do that? You guys seem like the worst. Ken's actually from Rescued.

Do a persuasion. You know what? There's a dead person this is an intimidation check yeah so roll netty rolling intimidation i love saying your character's name you can be called tom if you want it doesn't matter to me you can you can come up with one of those mashup names if you want how about tommy oh there's too many tommy bad association teddy i don't know all right uh would you roll They're both within me 19

19 So He goes Okay Just don't kill me okay I'm just doing my job Great Your job right now is opening the door

So he kind of like Leans to the side and offers up his hand to put the key in it because he's tied up yeah and he's on the ground like he's on his butt right let him have a difficult time with it he takes like five minutes he just like scoots towards the door he leans his shoulder against the door and kind of slowly like worms his way up the door and like he kind of pivots time is not at all he can't see like he's like he's like trying to find the keyhole i lift him up and put him by the by the key or by the doorknob i really want to make you do a roll for this but it works it's fine it's done uh when he puts the key in the keyhole you don't see any resistance magically and it totally works exactly as you'd hoped.

The type that you were ready would have worked. Let's ask him. Yeah, I'm attuned to the key, dumb fuck. What? I smack him. I hold up the Cheetos. Don't talk to her that way. Roll a 20. She made you a sandwich.

Jesus Christ. 17 plus whatever my attack bonus is. That's for sure. I mean, the depth, pretty good, like normal armor class. All right.

So, uh, roll a one D four, please. And add two to that. Cause it was unarmed strike. I don't have a D four today. Oh,

uh, will you please loan a, Oh, I have a one D four plus two bludgeoning on my unarmed strikes. So four. Okay. He spits out a tooth as you strike him across the face. Wow.

Thank you. You're welcome. It was loose anyway. He's just losing them now. You guys see a common room. There's one more guard in here. And he is, it looks like just sipping on a mug. There's all sorts of doors.

There's like closet doors. You see just equipment kind of hung up. It looks almost like a medieval barracks. Almost what you would expect to see at a prison. And you're still underground. It's like a medieval barracks uh almost what you would expect to see at a prison and you're still underground it's like a cave kind of stone room is this the only door in the room that we were in uh there was another way you could have gone down the hall there's this this spire seemed to be stuck into some sort of underground passage let's ask uh this this guard. This new guard?

No, no, the one that we... The new guard goes, what the fuck? He puts his mug down and jumps up. We're looking for a prisoner. And if you help us find her, you'll probably live through it. You do not want to break anything out of this prison.

There's more than one thing in this prison. Well, we're not going to break it out. There's a lot in this prison. What are you doing? What the? And he reaches for his sword. You don't want to do that wait let us explain you're way outnumbered i'm throwing a hold person on him

wait he rolled a one so uh he falls down and uh as you hold person he lands on his side and takes a point of damage to his head as he conks out on the floor. Hey, Sam, what are we at? A little over an hour. Great. So I think on that note, let's take a pause button and call it for the week. That was 32, right? Yeah.

Thanks for listening to episode 32. BrianPassane.com Join us on Patreon for fun bonuses and the like. Yes, sir. We haven't talked about it, but I want to do more video stuff on there.

Yeah, sexy videos. Maybe we can do for our September bonus, maybe we can get our guests to do a quick little video with us, something like that as a bonus. It's looking like we might have somebody from one of the Star Treks. I feel like that's good as a bonus it's looking like we might have uh somebody from one of the star treks i feel like that's good to say because it's going to be at least two weeks

before this episode drops so we might have even released to like the september bonus right yeah this comes out yeah maybe yeah yeah someone from the star treks what is it feature voyager six come on nishan nixon come on nishanols come on Nichel Nichols oh man but anyway thanks for listening thanks everybody thanks for listening to another episode

of Nerd Poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything

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