Nerd Poker - Episode 33 - Moon Prison

Episode Date: September 26, 2018

Okay, did everyone take bets on whether this campaign would end up in a monster prison on the moon? Well get your wallets out because somewhere out there we have a winner. Our heroes have managed to overtake a small handful of guards, and now it's time to start planning a prison break for their cosmic pen pal Jnrei D'Nah. Unfortunately there appears to be a monster riot in the monster prison. Whoops.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Dan

Blaine Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker Season 2. What's up, guys? It's Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker, but this is Rhodes Posehn, and this is episode 32. Yeah, episode 32, season 2. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, episode 32, season two. Thanks, buddy. Yeah.

Coming in hot. I think it's episode 33. 33. That was not his fault. No, no, no, not at all. We totally set him up. Hey, thanks for tuning in, everybody. Good night.

Hey. Oh, I shouldn't do Patreon today. We should say who we are. Yeah. Let the rap air horn go. Hi, friends. Oh, this is Brian Pussain. That was my son. Hi, friends.

Hi. Hello. Chris. Hi. Sarah. Ken. Chomp. Dan. Yum, yum. Blaine. Hi. Hello. Chris. Hi. Sarah. Ken. Chomp. Dan.

Yum, yum. Blaine. Hi, Brian. Sam. Hi. Wow, Sam. Hey. If you guys follow us on Patreon, we'll buy him a mic one of these days.

Oh, there's a weird motivation. Guess what? I like them Patreons. And here's some named FlyingFish33. Hi, FlyingFish. Thank you. Ted Glinka, a.k.a. Ted Triss. I like Ted Glinka better.

Darth Vader 418 with two fingers in your ass. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And this is spelled like the He-Man character Man E. Orifices Alright, okay I had that action figure Last week So you guys are On the moon

You're on the moon, you guys You're on the moon Your mom's on the moon Did you know that? Yes Oh no, I didn't get to break the news You're on the moon, you guys You're on the moon Your mom's on the moon Did you know that? Yes Oh no, I didn't get to break the news I was excited to be the town crier of your mom being on the moon So you guys are on the moon

Cromit and I are up here looking for some cheese and crackers You're at a part of the story where I feel like if there's any confusion I can probably clear a lot of it up. You're in a prison and I think you're trying to find Are we still trying to stop the apocalypse? Or the apocalypse doesn't matter?

You've got a bit of a ticking timer before this moon crashes into the planet that you're from. That would be the apocalypse. You got out of this little beanstalk-y tendril connecting the two. You showed up in a prison tunnel, and you're sort of in this lower floor. You're not sure where it goes, but there's a bunch

of rooms. I saw prison tunnel open for prong once. Go ahead. Wow, that's actually a great name. Are men's shoes down here, or is this all furnishings? Remember department stores when there was a middle class? Those were the days.

So you guys, you're in a room right now in an underground cave where it looks like it's kind of like a barracks. There's a lot of foodstuffs laying out on tables. There's some swords on a rack laying up against the wall, and there's a bunch of closet doors. There's doors going to who knows where. There's like 20 doors in this big sort of low ceiling. We do know it's a bunch of closet doors there's doors going who knows where there's like 20 doors in this big sort of sort of nowhere low ceiling we do know it's a prison you know you're in a prison because a guard told you you're in a prison and you killed one and uh tied up another guard to

get a key you got through a door and now you're in this big room where there's just one guard and a lot of stuff a lot of stuff's laying around and this guard just kind of went like what and like he spit out his beer And he put his mug down and put a hand on his sword He's not very professional He was like, what are you guys doing? Why are you drinking beer on your shift? Well, he would probably love to tell you

But the last thing that happened was Tui cast Hold Person on him So you got about one hot minute before it wears off He's currently on the ground Frozen in place And he has this look of just like, what the shit on his face. Like he did not

expect you guys to show up on his beer break. Hey, Bodhi, do you want to go over and just like peel him alive or something and then we'll get the keys off of him? Sure, Bodhi wants to. Should we give him a chance to surrender? Yeah, they're not bad guys, right? These are prison guards. We locked the head off one of them because he cut up

Master Gendi, the friendly wizard you're with. Yeah. Well, that guy was a little aggressive. He said there's a lot of bad guys basically in this prison. So, I don't know that we want to murder all the guards. You just landed here. It's like we ought to do a jailbreak. Yeah, like you're kind of getting your bearings a little bit still.

You don't know exactly where in the prison you are. I know I killed one guard. You did kill one, and one's still tied up in the hallway behind you with a stereotypical 80s Reseda accent. Right. What does he sound like? What does that guy sound like, that guard? Oh, my God. I'm still tied up back here.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Don't forget me. I'm another NPC that's active right now. Well, let's tie this guy up. Hey, guys, don't take him out of my mouth. Forget about it. So you're let's tie this guy I got dust ink in my mouth, forget about it So you're going to tie this guy up before he unfreezes You have just enough time For one of you to bust out some hemp and rope

And just get him tightly wrapped up Before he unfreezes and he goes Gag him With a spoon? Don't we need to talk to him? Sure Do one of those gags that lets you talk through it Gag him. Gag him. Well, wait. With a spoon? He goes, ooh. Don't we need to talk to him? Sure. Okay.

Do one of those gags that lets you talk through it. Well, we can pull it off. Yeah, right. For a second. That you can remove. You pull the gag out and he goes, ah! But now he knows we mean business. I see there's like a blood pool outside the door you guys came from. I figured you meant business.

Listen, listen. How many prisoners do you have here? We need a number, screw. I don't know. I mean, lots. They don't tell us all. Ballpark. All the numbers.

Oh, boy. I mean, I feel like that might be the wrong question. I mean, it's more like how many kinds of prisoners we have here. Who's the most powerful?

They don't let grunts like me know that stuff. The most powerful? Who are you? Why are you in this prison? What are you doing? He's the guy that's about to peel off one of your fingers unless you come up with some answers. They don't peel.

So he kind of stops and he thinks roll a persuasion check. No, you're kind of intimidation. Roll an intimidation check. You two roll an intimidation. You're both yelling. Thirteen. I'm wrong. What can you do, Brian?

Ten. I read it wrong. Roll that dice and throw your modifier on that. Thirteen. So, yeah, he just kind of looks at both of you and he's like, I ain't saying nothing. You guys are with those crazy cult elves, aren't you? No, we're here to save the world. I put my foot on his neck.

No, I'm just like, listen, we have an urgent mission. I don't know if you're aware that the moon is being pulled towards the earth. Yeah, no shit. Destroy us both. Oh, you know about that? Yeah. So how can you help us stop it? Because that's what we're here to do.

Start by not killing the prison guards. Who's in this prison? Seems a little self-interested. A lot of things are in this prison. Okay, do you know where... They don't tell us. I'm just a guard. I don't know...

Jesus Christ. What kind of cells are there? You're making it so we have to kill you and find another guard. That is what's happening now. I don't need to kill him, but I kind of want to bonk his head into something. Okay, so you've got a bonking.

Do you have keys to stuff? Roll... You were nice. Okay, so you've got a bonking Do you have keys to stuff? Roll You were nice, roll a persuasion check My foot is still on his neck though Sure, sure Roll with advantage because she's got a foot on his neck now, so you get to roll that dice twice Roll that one more time and take the higher number

Blaine There's a foot on this dude's neck. Persuasion, my charisma with a plus four. That's a 10. Yeah, he's still like, maybe I got keys, maybe I don't. Maybe I know what stuff is, but my job's to keep the bad guys away and you guys are killing.

Do I get to try again? We're good guys. You'd have to do another action at this point if you've already rolled a persuasion okay so i'm i'm gonna roll an intimidation check and i'm like go for it we're the good guys and you get advantage too tell us what we need to know um 15 you rolled twice oh wait no i did you got advantage though that was a three so no okay so 15 uh he goes all right uh what do you want just please get your foot off my neck just get your foot off my neck tell me where you have keys first we'll start there and then i'll take my foot off they're

in my pouch i'm not falling for that one on my belt'm tied up. What am I supposed to do? It's on my... Cut to my mage hand going, yoink. All right. So you go through his... I'm going to... Yeah, my mage hand's going to yoink his... All right. Unlike the last guard who had one key, he has a ring with three keys on it. Okay, I take my foot off.

Okay. Keys, keys, keys, keys on his belt. Yeah. What are these keys for? Each one. One of the keys is for the door you guys just came through. One of them is for the main door to this cell block. The other one is for the next cell block.

I only work on two cell blocks. That's all I know about. How many cell blocks total are there? All right. Take his feet. All right, take his feet. One, two, three, four. Hang on, I gotta actually count, you guys.

On the mortal block, there's 16. Oh, boy. Are you on the mortal block? Is this the mortal block? This is the mortal block. Where's the... This is D8 on the mortal block. Whose prison is this? The gods.

Bahamut, Umberlee, and Lulth. Do they check in? Attorneys at law. If you've been injured in an accident. Is there like an all hands meeting that we could go to? The Archmagist checks in with them, but I'm not allowed to know about that stuff. I'm just a guard. Okay, where's the Archmagist?

In the Magist Tower. Where's the Magist Tower? Outside. On the moon? Yeah, In the Magist Tower. Where's the Magist Tower? Outside. On the moon? Yeah, you're on the moon. You're on the moon. Where's the, what other wings are there? There's the human wing, and then what are the other ones?

Well, there's like a block of different, they're like prisons just for mortals. Block, block. And then there's like these bigger, there's bigger prisons for the non-mortals. And then there's like some other stuff that I'm not allowed to know about. This complex is... Okay. Do you know who Zinzerina is?

Yeah. I've heard rumors because of this whole moon crashing thing. There's rumors that she's somewhere in this prison. But I don't know nothing about her. Who does know the answer to that question? We're all trying to figure it out. We're all freaking out. Figuring out, is Zinzerina in this prison? We don't know where she is. The Archmages? Would the answer to that question? We're all trying to figure it out. We're all freaking out, figuring out, is Zinzerina in this prison? We don't know where she is.

The Archmages? Would the Archmages know? Maybe. But if he knows, why doesn't he kill her or something? Why? Everyone's looking for her. We don't know who she... We don't have a drow goddess here other than an altar for Lolth.

That's it. Do you know anyone named Jyn Radna? He says, roll a... This will be another persuasion check. 21. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that name. Around these parts?

Yeah. I've heard that name, but I don't know where Jin Radina is. It sounds like probably not one of the mortals. Does he seem like he's lying? Do an insight check. I think that's right. Six. You can't tell.

He just seems scared. Don't we know that Jyn Radina is some sort of like has become this other world? So it's not here. You guys know Zinzerina was like a manifestation of Jyn Radina. Jyn Raden is some sort of like has become this other world. So it's not here. You guys know Zinzerina was like a manifestation of Jyn Raden. Jyn Raden is the like celestial being that we are going to go talk to and potentially

put into another body. So where's the celestial block? Or kill. There's been talk of both killing and putting into another body. He's like, there's like a bunch of that stuff. It's above my pay grade. I just know two blocks on the mortal. Well, point us towards it. Everything's west. All the other stuff is west.

So we're at one end, and we're going to have to fight our way through a prison of monsters. I mean, there is kind of some security problems right now, so there's going to be... What the fuck does that mean? Well, why do you think it's like a bandit down here? Everybody's above ground trying to stop the prison break and trying to cut up this weird tendril from the sky

that connected to the moon, so like... We're going to die. Okay, how would we get there? Do we go back out the door we came in? Do we go through the prison? What's the best way? No, no, no. The door that you came in has a tunnel to one of the other cell blocks.

See that door on the north side of the room? Like that way? That way? He doesn't point. He just kind of like ducks his head because he's got no arm out. We could bring him with us. Yeah, we should. Then he'll give us good information because he wants to live.

Is this a portal scenario? Do you hear me? Because you want to live, you're going to maybe give us good information. Just don't kill me, man. You don't need to bring all of you with us, by the way. Just your head. Your head can talk for up to 15 minutes.

He says, if you guys just want to get out of this cell block, that door on that side of the room, it's got a stairwell that goes up, and then you'll go to ground level. Right now, we're in the second sub-basement. We're trying to get to one of the other ways. Those last 14 minutes are just like,

where's my body? This is really terrible. Oh, God, I'm dying. I got an itch. Try and put me back. I have phantom shoulders. Alright, so you guys Oh, man. Try and put me back. Phantom shoulders. All right. So you guys pick this dude up, this guard, whose name is Blevin, by the way.

He tells you as you get him to his feet. Yeah, nobody asked. Cradle him like a baby because that's very shaming to a man. He tells you his name because he's worried that you're going to kill him. He's humanizing himself like a hostage. He seems very concerned with his life because he's worried that you're going to kill him. Like Seth Green in Up the Creek. He's humanizing himself like a hostage. He seems very concerned with his life, and he's just very pathetic. Just tell us the truth, and you'll be fine. That's it.

Listen, we're the good guys. Now I'm going to switch to persuasion. Okay. I look him in the eyes, and I'm like, we're the good guys. Okay. I give him like a butterscotch roll. I don't believe you're okay. If you want him to say something, yes, roll. If you him a butterscotch roll. I don't believe you're okay. If you want him to say something, yes, roll.

If you want a detailed response. I want him to feel something, Dan, and that something is true. I used to. You've already won a persuasion roll against him. He'll be forthcoming at this point. I failed that one. He's fine for now. Until another event happens, you've got basically his attention. Good.

So you're going to head up these stairs with him? You're going to cradle him like a baby per Esmeralda's suggestion, maybe? Or does that feel too emasculating? How big of a guy is this guy? I mean, he's like 5'10". He's in heavy armor. I'm going to polymorph him

into a one-foot version of himself so that we can carry him like an action figure. Can you read? That's amazing. That's way better than me fireman's carrying him. All right, so poof, he's not tied anymore. And he's going to love it. He tries to run away as soon as you cast Polymorph.

All right, well, I'm going to grab him by the... It's like that episode of Gilligan's Island. All right, he's going to try to... Swing his tiny greatsword. You grab him and now you have a one foot tall version of him. Alright. Brian, you want to just hold on to this guy? I said I'd do whatever you guys wanted.

Why did you have to do this to me? Jesus Christ. It's temporary. Do I have something like a pouch I could put him in? Yeah, everyone's got a pouch. We need him to show us where we're going, right? Yeah, but I mean with his hair pocket. Yeah, carry him in your chest hair. He's a baby chick polo shirt.

Maybe. Do you want to ride on his shoulder? Like the whistle when you start puffing stuff? Yes. Boy Cheapoo's got funny. So you put him on your shoulder and he's just hanging out on your... No, I put him in my pocket. Help me, Freddy.

So he's sitting wedged in your little leather armor and he's just... Can he breathe? Just make sure you don't crush him in there. He can breathe. He's okay. You guys head up the stairwell. It's okay. You get to the top of the stairwell and there is a door. What's this door go to? You ask the guy? Yeah.

Outside. When you say outside, like outside on the surface of the moon? Yeah, like the prison grounds? I guess, okay. So would that be a way we should go, or do you think that's a bad idea? Because if something bad happens to us...

By the way, we just accept we can breathe. There's a lot of stuff going on out there. You'll be able to breathe. But there's... People are probably going to see you. Where should we go a different way then? Are we trying to go to the Archmage? Right.

Or to maybe the moon for this planet. We're going to where they would keep a celestial, right? Yeah. Do we have to go outside? Yeah.

What is outside? You're being real clever right now. If you go through the tunnels, there are tunnels to other mortal blocks. You can go from tunnel to tunnel to probably sneak past some of them. Okay, so that's safer. Then why don't you lead with that?

Oh, shit. I'm sorry, man. Think about what's safer for you. We could kill you with a cat. Yeah. Roll an intimidation check, Bodhi. I could just... One more time.

You're asking about ways out. Oh, man. That one didn't go so well did he just shit your pocket yeah so he told you that there are there are tunnels to other uh parts of the mortal cell block okay but but then he clams up i shake him like a polaroid picture yeah he cries just openly cries um yeah so uh he he lets you know if you were to go back down the stairs there are tunnels you could get to other blocks but he's only got a key to one other block

okay let's do that so you head back down you head to the big sort of open room right I don't think that's safer than going I don't know why he's being such a dingus he's not being straight with us and I don't fucking get it.

I think he doesn't know. I think he's just as confused about it. Yeah. Like he really doesn't know about the other. No. And he's. It's all above his pay grade as they say in films all the time. So yeah he says

well if surfers keep going down this tunnel, there's this mortal cell block, and it's for this evil wizard. He's the only one on the cell block. So we gotta... I think he's still in prison, and he should be fine. Oh, man.

Is this prison like in the middle of a riot and you have yet to tell us that fact? I don't mean to be rude, but I definitely tried to say a little bit about the riot. That's definitely happening right now. Jesus Christ, man. I heard that. You suck.

I know, I know. You suck. It's true. It's the end of the world, man And I'm just fucking scared Is this Typha or Red Betty? No, Typha's trying to be tough I'm trying to play tough

Typha Typha is trying to get this guy to do something Is this Riot and Cellblock 21? So he tells you that you're in D8. If you head west to C8, he also has keys to C8 where there is an evil wizard. But we don't want to see the evil wizard. Well, he's saying he thinks he's still trapped.

He's probably not, so we'll just have to cut down the evil wizard and then keep going. Okay. Right. So we're playing Dungeons and Dragons? I forgot. I was humming Dr. Feelgood.

Puzzles and tendrils. Yeah, so you guys head to the... Guess we gotta fuck a wizard up. Thank God you set up. Oh, hey, can I do two things before we continue? You can do two things. You can do other things. I'd like to look through Storndor's eyes and see what he's up to.

Okay. Checking in with Storndor. Do-do-do-bye. So you don't gain control of him, but suddenly you plop down on the ground, your eyes roll back, and

you see something you've never seen before. Oh, my God. A television? Benfolds 5 Live. It looks kind of like one of those running games that people have on their iPhones where you're just kind of following a path over and over again. You just see this thread that seems to go into a long distance

in the front. And there's blackness all around. He's climbing up it, guys. You see just sort of lights going by. Oh, shit. He's on his way. Yeah. It's silent. You don't hear anything.

When we find Jen Radin, it's not over. There's a fucking dragon coming up here. Thank God. And then you snap back. So what's the other thing you'd like to do? You're in the common room again. You're about to sort of head west out of the door that goes to cell block C8. Oh, I was going to try to talk to the worm briefly and see what he thought about what's going on.

All right. Roll a check, please. Roll your 20. What is this? 10. Hey, what's up, y'all? Hi, friend. We are...

I don't know if you can tell where we are, but we're... What does this feel like to you, where we are? I feel like y'all can tell where we are, but we're, um, what does this feel like to you where we are? I feel like y'all are on your moon right now. We are. Yeah. Good call.

You're cool. Um, listen. Hey, Worm, you would nut like this other guy. You're awesome. Um, so we, uh, we're trying to reach, uh, do you have any, do you have any thoughts about where we are right now or like what might help us get to from point A to point b we're trying to find jinradana uh well yeah um you're on a real real interesting place it seems like there's a lot of real powerful auras around you right now real real scary auras some real nice auras but all real powerful all over the all over

the place y'all uh what are you trying to figure out? How to get around? Yeah, well, what about the aura? Is the aura in front of us? Is it on the loose? Does it seem like it's confined? Can you tell? It's hard to tell, but it's definitely big, and there's one of them that is real strong. Okay, cool.

Thank you for your tips. If there's anything else you want to share, this is the time, really. I think one of y'all's probably got a map. Of the moon? Yes, we did have a map. Oh, yes, you do have a map of the moon. And I pull out my drow orb.

I go, is this your map? Your map. We've never met before. We haven't had time to work out anything You hear the Sentinel say Yeah that's that map y'all And did you figure out how to use it? Not yet Why don't you do a little thing

Called a straight wisdom check Straight up 18 Fuck yeah So a fun thing happens The top side of the orb that you're holding up suddenly kind of like expands upwards and it's almost like it's giving you a close-up of the moon surface and at first it just you just see like what looks like a close-up of gray dust and craters and it looks like an earthy kind of moon so your character tweet just goes oh like a gray

desert this is boring and you kind of shift it around and turn it over in your hand a little bit and then all of a sudden uh you see what looks like a square of four large forts that look like you would expect to see like a castle but they're flat on top and they have a real prison vibe and there's these weird kind of wavy energy walls between the four of them you see what what looks like a big, tall sort of stone silo. There's a dome in the center of these four forts and there's all these little like prison buildings built up. And it looks a little some-some like this.

So Merry Christmas. That's your headshot. Oh, here we are. Oh, here we are in this prison on the moon. Oh, moon prison. Hand drawing. Yes. Dan, can I ask you something for reals?

Did you base this on The Shard? No. Does it look like The Shard? I don't know if you were thinking of The Shard. No, I don't know The Shard. What's The Shard? No. Does it look like the shard? I don't know if you were thinking of the shard. No, I don't know the shard. What's the shard? The shard vibe. A shard is a structure that's supposed to exist on the dark side of the moon

that's like a couple of kilometers tall, and it's made of crystal and has strange alien angles to it. Well, most of this... Google it. The Shard. When it pops up on your little map, most of this looks like very similar to buildings that you've seen in your past. Like Bob's Big Boy Burbank? Because there's hot rods all over the place here on Friday.

rods all over the place here on Friday. If you see there's like that sort of triad thing in the middle, you want to turn it so the single one is facing so it's lengthwise. Yeah, like Sarah's got it. Sarah's got it north up

right now. Pointing away from us. Okay. Gotcha. And if you're looking at it on the map Sorry. What? I just went back to all maps look like a dick and balls. So then it was just Gotcha And if you're looking at it on the map Sorry I just went back to all maps look like a dick and balls So then it was just perfect But it's not They're very long

They have to be very long They're very weird Unfortunately your DM's testosterone isn't high enough It's all Sark's map It's a dick and balls where they all look like dicks or balls This just looks like a map. Congratulations. Oh my god, I succeeded my map making role. It's a map

to some dick and balls. I'm glad you weren't dreaming about dicks when you made it. I mean, I was, but it didn't work. So, you guys, notice it's almost all medieval buildings. The four square, those corners, all look like medieval forts.

Those sort of orange lines between them look like energy waves. And all those squares you think are those mortal blocks, those smaller blocks that are off to the east. So that's where we are. You're in one of them. And you see, right? See that orange circle on the southeast corner? You can tell on the map that that is

the osmic string that you arrived on that's jammed between two of the mortal cell blocks it like sort of randomly smashed in there so it seems randomly if there is a reason for that placement you don't know it yet

but in addition to that there's a few weird magical things you can tell are going on that dome in the middle is a dome so that sort of circular thing and then what looks like the flux capacitor is what looks like a sort of giant glass dome in the middle of those forts um and then the other uh large two strange things that big huge circular thing on the map off to the west it looks like there is a giant meteor planted in the surface of the moon

with little sort of tiny structures around it and that big square to the east of the main structure is what looks like a giant perfect dice or a giant perfect cube that is bigger than any of the humanoid-made structures.

Which one's the cube? Here or here? To the east. This? Yes. So that's probably what the guard was referencing. There's things of bigger than human size. And now you can potentially ask the guard about the map.

It could be a cell or something. Oh, yeah. So now you can potentially ask the guard about the map. Oh yeah, so can you point out to us where the celestial wing might be? Sorry, I keep saying wing. This is a mansion. Yeah, where's Tom Bradley? I gotta get JetBlue. He tells you, yeah, you're in D8, which is the second from the right on the bottom

of that sort of east backward sea. So you're on the left of the two cell blocks that were sort of interrupted by the osmic strain. And you're heading west. He says all those big buildings have some weird immortal deity type shit in it.

And all those tiny buildings that form that sort of backward sea have mortals in them. Immortal like they can't die or they can't be killed. Mortal. He says, it just means that they're not immortal like, you know, gods or stuff like that or celestial beings. Or they had to be kept on the moon because the gods thought they were too dangerous to keep on your planet. Gods thought they were too dangerous.

Check. Hey, what if you went and talked to her again and you were like, we're here to get you. Can you, what do we, hang a left at the old dirt road or whatever, and then maybe she has an idea? Wait, I don't understand. Are you asking me or are you talking to Tweet? I was talking to Tweet.

I was saying maybe he could go talk to her again. Because she said she was being tortured or whatever under something, I think. She said that was her. So she might have a better idea. Maybe you might even be able to like... Okay, I'm going to reach into my... You've only got like one crumb left of these drugs. So I have a Coke can that unscrews,

and there's a secret compartment in it where I keep my crumb of my magic Zinzerina mushroom, and I'm going to wash it down with some Gatorade and some chocolate so I don't grind my teeth. Great. Roll a constitution saving throw, please. One. All right, well, this is going to be one short hot sweaty ride So you clunk on the ground

And everything's real blurry You feel like it's 110 degrees I knew these things They've been in my pocket for like three weeks Yeah just all of a sudden lights Shoot by and all of a sudden You're in this weird sort of like wet yellow place.

I should have just taken half. You're going to be like this forever. You're going to be like this forever. You're going to be like this forever. And even though you're an astral projection, you feel like your soul is sweating. And you just hear this like clicking noise in the background. Like in the distance. Great.

Yeah, all of a sudden you're inside the movie Hereditary. Hereditary forever. What you do, Twee? What you do? You hear clicking? You hear clicking? Hey, uh, uh. Hey, Z, we're out front. Huh? Z's not here, man. No, I'm Z.

You just hear, what? What? Zenzirina, hey, it's me, Twee. Hey, I remember you. You just hear, what? What? Zanzarina, hey, it's me, Tweet. Hey, I remember you. Hey, what's happening? Hey, I feel like you're real close. This is exciting. Have you come for me?

We're here. I figured I'd just say hi. Oh, my goodness, yes. We're on the moon. Where are you? Oh, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. Where's here? Ah, well, I'm kind of trapped.

I don't know. I feel like I'm in a box or something. A box? Yeah. You mean like a big cube of some sort? No, maybe. I don't know. It's hard to say. How big is the box?

I don't know what shape I am. I don't know what's going on. All I know is I'm kind of like pinned in here, and there's things hurting me, and it feels small. Everything feels real small. What's pinning you? Do a persuasion. One.

I didn't hear any of this, of course. Man. She says, magic. one you didn't hear any of this of course man she says magic oh that explains it magic can you feel where I am you're nearby that's all I know

I'm going to start walking in a circle a widening circle you see a shape suddenly appear in front of you. Better or worse? Better, okay. A blurry shape. All of a sudden, you can tell it's some sort of being.

All right. But it's hard to see. Your eyes are still kind of covered in sweat, basically. Oh, sweaty eyes. I fucking hate the sweaty eyes. It's the worst. It's like the darts. Hour five of Lollapalooza

oh my god Barry Farrell I get it I'm gonna I feel like time's also running short based on your constitution roll

yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna kind of like try to figure out which direction they're going can I can I see these guys at all

no you're like on a different plane right now alright hey do me a favor uh huh Can I see these guys at all? No, you're like on a different plane right now. All right. Hey, do me a favor. Uh-huh. Remember where I am and give me a tap in a couple of minutes because I can't stay too long.

She says, I'm reaching out my hand. If you reach out right now, I might be able to help you. This is bad. This is a bad one. Well, I'm going to remind Tui. He would remember that. He can't hear. No, no, but his character would remember

what we just discovered about Jyn Redna. Right? Maybe. How would his character have forgotten that? I don't remember. You would remember that she's a cosmic being. You remember that she's not necessarily evil. But you'd also maybe remember that you are now evil.

What? He's evil. He is? Yeah, I'm evil. He's been evil for a while. He's very low-key evil. It's been kind of shifting. You've been talking about it a little bit.

I would say he switched from what? It was chaotic good when you started. You've kind of been chaotic neutral, and you've been talking about interest in the evil stuff. Yeah, I'm sort of evil adjacent at this point. He told Bodhi to skin that guy. He did. All right, starting a 30-second timer tweet.

You believe Jen Radina is extending a hand. Hey, you know what? Here's my hand. You feel a needle prick in your finger and back to reality you go. Soaked in sweat, feeling gross. Wish you had a ShamWow for your crotch. Man, welcome to my world.

Now where does the D&D start? I give him some juice or something. A little healthy. Electrolyte. A little better. Pedialyte. Cool. How are you feeling?

Feeling good? Feeling good except for the eye sweat. Always gives me the creeps. I don't know anything yet except your finger feels like it was pricked in real life as well as in your astral projection. Okay. Assume you're telling the gang what happened. Yeah, I talked to

Zinzarine is in a square someplace. It's a small square, but I'm assuming it's big. She's under some pressure. I'd say you also remember it wasn't necessarily a square. She said like a box. And then she second guessed it and said not sure, small.

She said her shape is big, right? Was she turned into something? She's like not corporeal or something, right? She's like, I don't know. Yeah, she's like a cosmic state right now. She manifested as like a 13-year-old sort of drow, demon-y looking thing last time you saw her. She's not a blob or anything like that.

Maybe. She might be. I mean, she did tell you that the shape she manifested in your little drug dream is not the same as the shape you might find her in. What is this little thing next to the meteor strike? That is debris from the meteor landing. The square? Oh, that?

You're not sure. Were you going to ask the guard that? Yeah. I'm not allowed that far west. Hmm. How long has that meteor thing been there? Since before all of us got here. All I know is we call it FUD, and we think the meteor is alive or something.

Okay, very interesting. So maybe it feels... Maybe lead with FUD the living meteor next time. Why is the prison next to FUD? That seems pretty interesting. We actually, I think the prison was built next to Fudd because we knew the gods

wanted to contain it. Contain Fudd? Are you saying T-H, Fudd? Yeah. Okay, sounds like Fudd. Do you think Fudd is Jinradna? If you turn him back into full-size human, he won't be making that noise. Do you think Thud is Jinradana? Sorry.

If you turn him back into full-size human, he won't be making that noise anymore. Could Jinradana be underneath that meteor? I think maybe she is that meteor. If they're saying that it was built to contain the gods built it to This has something to do with her, I feel like. The gods put her into it and shot her to the moon?

Well, the gods built... The three gods are the ones who were trying to like... Remember our dull and foolish gods is what the elder evil guy said? So they're the ones, the good god, the bad god, and the just okay medium god. Aren't those gods? Oh, and I should clarify

a little something. I was telling... Like two episodes ago, I misspoke a little something. I was telling an episode, like two episodes ago, I misspoke a little bit. So there's three gods. And I was talking to Sam about whether or not we should edit this out because I misspoke and I was embarrassed. And I probably, by the time this airs, gotten a thousand tweets about it. But there's Bahamut, who you know is a good god.

There's Lulf, who's a drow goddess who knows evil. And there's Umberlee. And what I meant to say was who's like the neutral god as far as you know is a good god. There's Lulf, who's a drow goddess, who you know is evil. And there's Umberlee, and what I meant to say was who's like the neutral god as far as you know. I think I told you Shu is straight up neutral, but you don't know virtually anything. Oh, we don't know anything. We just have the sword, but that's all we know. Yeah, other than that, you don't know her alignment. You don't know

much about her. None of you guys, unless you do some sort of discovery. And those gods are the ones who made the crazy underground super trap with the cloak of Zinzerina, right? Yes. And this is their prison. Yeah, it seems

like... The same three gods built this prison that built the trap for Zinzerina's cloak. I think if those gods made that cloak in a special place, like it would finally fall into an underwater ocean with a super monster, it sure seems like they would do something like put her in a fucking meteor and like it would finally fall into like an underwater ocean with a super monster. It sure seems like they would do something like put her in, in a fucking meteor and shoot it up at the moon.

Cause that's, you know what I mean? Like they're like, they want to terrorize her. But they, but they also don't have to, this, they built all of this too,

right? Yeah. But for maybe once they, once they got rid of Jen Raiden, they're like, fuck it, let's get rid of everybody. Yeah.

They built a wall. Or let's like build a large bureaucracy to deal with crime from high-level ne'er-do-wells. Yeah, that sounds about right. So what do you guys think about trying to book it over here then? Ken, will you plug my headphones in a little better? By the way, I'm getting really loud pops in my ear balls. Is this tower? Is that a word I invented just for the unique pain my headphones in a little better? By the way, I'm getting really loud pops in my ear balls. Is this tower... A word I invented just for the unique pain

my ears are having right now. It gave us all unique pain to hear you say it too. Sorry about what I've done. Is this tower in the center? That's a weird glass dome. It's hard to tell the detail on Twee's little drow globe, but that's about as much as you can tell. Maybe though this thing with all of the walls around, this is where she is where the globe is with all the

energy walls it's either that or that's air traffic control luckily it's right on the way so we'll just like swing by there stop at mcdonald's stop sniffing blue we got to go through these though because this is magic yeah right right so we got to get from here we're going to go inside here somehow hey so how do we get Is this super fun for you guys to listen to? We're like, hey, on this map that you can't see. And yeah, just to piss you guys off a little. Well, first of all, I'll put this on

the internet as soon as the episode drops so people can reference it. But also I will drop the character, the guard's voice a little bit. So when you show him the map, he well, do you want me to keep irritating Brian? You better keep irritating Brian. Oh, wow. It doesn't bug me.

The spell's going to wear off soon. Hey, Tweet, can you make his throat normal size but still keep everything else actually figuring? What a monster. His giant larynx explodes out of the garden. He dies instantly. No, you can't do that. It's not going to happen. Yeah, so he kind of sees the globe and he dies instantly. No, you can't do that. It's not going to happen.

Yeah, so he kind of sees the globe and he says, that string thing kind of just exploded into the tunnel. If you guys go outside, you'll see there's about ten wizards and sorcerers

kind of trying to sever that thing. They've been trying for a long time. They better go quick. Oh, yeah, there's a dragon coming. Ba-ba-ba-ha! Guess what? We've got enough giant monsters outside running around getting chased by our wizards. That's nothing.

So the wizards are trying to sever this? No, this. Or this. Oh, I see. That circle represents a top-down view are trying to separate this? No, this. Or this. That circle represents a top-down view of the string. We got in just in time. When you look at the map, it kind of has a little 3D. So the question is, can we get from these tunnels to inside this dome area?

I don't know about a new... Not that I'm aware of. Does he sound like he's dissembling? Do an insight check. I feel like you have a good type of... I perceive him. I got 19.

She rolled it, so she can roll... You already rolled a 19. He's definitely hiding something. I mean, he... He knows something about getting around that he's not. I mean mean yeah he knows he knows something about getting around that he's not he's still miniature right he's sitting on your yeah yeah on your armor okay try to intimidate okay what are you hiding do you do that roll okay did you just crush out of all this I'm to do the same thing. Did you just crush his pelvis? I'm afraid of you, motherfucker.

I'm going to do the same thing. I'm going to try to intimidate him. I believe Bahamut will save me. I got a 30. He melts. Oh, my. A trickle of... Sorry, 29.

Clear fluid drips out of... Yeah, your hand is suddenly... Got a little dribble coming out of your fist. What are you hiding? What are you hiding? Well, there's one other tunnel besides this thing connecting the evil wizards. Underneath this? I don't know where the other end goes.

All I know is it goes outside. It might go closer to the prison. Does it go west? No. Between the tunnel and thud, this guy is not telling us stuff. Dude! I'm the royal guard of the hamlet, Mom!

Okay, hold on. Make him normal for a second. Should I make him normal? You've got to make him on a big intimidation roll. I mean, he'll tell you whatever you want.

We can squeeze it out. You're the what of Bahamut? He's vacating his... The royal guard. The royal guard of Bahamut. Hey, Bodhi, do you want to throw him

as far as you can and then I'll make him big up in midair? That's going to end with a broken dude. No, we have him spilling his beans. Yeah, we don't need... Take us where we want to go now. I'll also say at this point, he's made it clear

he's the royal guard of a good god. So he's scared shitless right now. Yeah, we're not trying to... You'll do whatever you want. Look, we have information and we are also trying to stop the moon. So, yeah, he says... But Tui has a good idea, if you don't tell us.

All right, he says... Plan B+. All right, if we leave this tunnel, go back to the common room, there's this one door. It was originally just a storage room, but now there are stairs going down. It goes under the other tunnel and goes on for a while. It's where we buried all

the lunar elves. So it's an ancient Indian burial ground. Oh, the lunar elves got up here? I figured you were with them at first. No, we're not. We're against them. I figured that out eventually, but you guys were such dicks, it took me a while. Did we look

like those motherfuckers? No, but they were the only people who ever came out of that spire. Yeah. Well, we had to kill our share, too. My whole cell block was dedicated to the Lunar Elves. We just imprisoned people from that cult. It was a bunch of drows and Lunar Elves. Oh, really?

It was them and the evil wizard. Those were the only two cell blocks that I had keys to. The Lunar Elf cult and... Can't we just burn this place down with them in it and not even bother going in? I've been playing a lot of Angry Birds. Can't we just throw something at them

that'll just make the whole place collapse? He tells you he's got keys to cell blocks C8 and D8. D8 is for the Zinzarina cult, and C8 is for Archlich Forkeas. Forkeas? Does that name ring any bells to me as a scholar? Do a history check. I didn't see 3KS.

Sorry, I said the 3KS joke, you guys. 18? Higher hopes for it. You recognize that name. Archelich 4 chaos is this sort of eons old wizard that you haven't heard about in anywhere other than a book. He supposedly kept a tomb in the middle of the desert where he would torture sort of exotic beings for his pleasure.

That's all you know about him, though. So he's like half. Yeah, kind of like that. Okay, so let's go try this other tunnel with all the dead lunar elves. So he circles you back into the con room. You go down. You open another door.

It looks like a storage room, but there's like this sort of floor cut into the rock. You go down a ladder, and you just see this room full of sort of dirt lumps in the gravel that just looks like they've buried a bunch of people. They're going to come to life and attack us, guys. And in one corner

you just see a pile of what looks like sort of muslin wrapped bodies that just sort of, they've got that kind of linen wrapped around them and sort of like a rope tied around them. So you just see a pile of wrapped corpses in one corner of the room. And the guard explains that they used to imprison lunar elves here, but after the Zinzerina cult connected the moon to the planet,

they started killing them all off. And then more of them started coming in through the spire, and they started killing them off. And so they've become like roaches. Whereas they used to imprison them because they were worried about the consequences of killing a suicide cult. Now they're like, no, we have to just exterminate all of them. And so he says, if we keep walking this, if we keep walking this, this little graveyard underground goes beyond three of these rooms. We can get to like the far west corner of the mortal block,

and there's a ladder that goes to the ground, like above ground, so we'll be farther from where all those mages are trying to cut that thing. We'll be farther from a big security patrol, but there'll still be guards and sorcerers running around. Okay, let's go. Yeah, but you'll tell them it's cool, right, man?

What's your name? Bovit? Blevin. Blevin. Same difference. It sounds so much worse when my voice is this high. This sucks. Gary Blevin.

It sounds kind of cute. This is so humiliating, you guys. Oh, man, wait until we put on the makeup. Oh, man. Wait till we put on the makeup. Oh, shit. So y'all head up this ladder. And yeah, there's like a sort of big latch that you got to yank down. And are you going to push the door up? There's like a hatch.

Is there any way of being subtle and quiet about it? It depends. You can. Let's try and sneak it open. All right. Do a stealth check. Oh, and by the way, I believe I'm now to refer to you as Tom Nettie.

Yes, I'm trying to think of my... Oh, that's not bad. Okay, good. I still have good stealth. Yeah. Tom Nettie. Plus 18. Oh, 18 total? No, nine plus 18. Nine plus 18. Oh, 18 total?

No, 9 plus 18. 9 plus 18. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. So you... My stealth is very good. Yeah, it's ridiculous. You traded a couple of ridiculous stats

for another couple of ridiculous stats. And so you get it open just like, I don't know, six inches before you just, like, feel hot air kind of blow at you. You see suspiciously blue sky. You see movement nearby and they don't catch you because you were real stealthy. But you see like you hear voices in common.

Do a perception check. It's this perception check brought to you by a plane. It's a plus one. Plus one to perception. A recargot? A dog coke? Is dog Pepsi okay?

Roar. Even better. Dog Pepsi. What? It's worth it. It's always worth it. So I roll a 10 perception. You see armored boots and cloth sort of leggings, but that's it.

Okay. You can't really see much beyond that. I'm going to let everybody else know there's a lot of activity here. What's with the table fries that have been sitting here all of this? There's five of them. I put them out there in case anybody wanted them. They're like hot. It's like a better version of a vanilla candle.

Yeah, it's like D&D potpourri. Jack in the box fries. I can throw them away if you want. Brian's like, I'm going to eat it when you're not looking. So he tells you guys, he sees movement. A 10 roll, I would say you were stealthy, but you didn't get a good look at how far away they were. You just kind of saw them in the middle distance

and brought the door back down. Okay. I think, can I spot any sort of a safe place to get to from here? Right before you could get a good look at the distance, you realized you had to shut the door or they would see you. I feel like we're going to have to talk our way

through this one or fight our way through. Or run through it if they're too occupied. Well, if we're right here and then we're trying to get in here, is that the plan? Well, I think we've got to get to that building. You get a strong feeling you're between the far southwest of those mini blocks

and the big southeast fort. Okay, and we're trying to get into there. Yeah, because we can't get through the orange waves, right? Okay, yeah. I say let's try to talk and then if talking doesn't work... Hang on, before we go work... Hey, little asshole.

What's the deal with the magic walls? You can't see through them and I'm not allowed in there. All I know is they're magic. I've never tried to go through them. Don't kill me. Do we have any sort of illusion spray

or any kind of a distracting spell anybody can throw up when we get out there if we have to? Just think about that. Yeah, I can do a... My unseen servant can pretend to get hit by a car. That works.

Someone has to summon a car, though. What about a mage hand distraction? Could you do some magic? Could you guys do like a... What if you shot a fucking whammy at the wall away from us? Or a t-shirt cannon. Yeah. Would it be bad for us to take an hour and relearn some spells

so that we can just jack ourselves up and get ready for this? That's not a terrible idea. Yeah, you could do that. I would let you take a short rest before something happens. A short rest doesn't... We can't relearn spells with a short rest, right? I mean, you can try a long rest, but I'm going to do my own little behind-the-scenes rolls

to see if something happens to you. Do we need an Intimid's Tiny Hut? Yeah. Oh, I'd love an Intimid's Tiny Hut with a raspberry. We haven't heard from Master Jendi in a while. Yeah, and she's a little overwhelmed, kind of thinking. What do you want to know from her? I was saying she has like five hit points, but

I just don't think a short rest doesn't help us release spells. Yeah, I mean, she said, I would love to rest just to try to get some of my energy back. I'm feeling real... So that might be worth it. Can I make her some gorp or something like that? Yeah. Can I health her up with that? Can you make her with a little butterscotch?

Sounds like a fish. Are you kidding me? Yeah, butterscotch chips and chocolate chips and peanut butter chips. I was doing tarp. And whiskers on kittens. So if you guys want to head back down to the elf graveyard, you can... This won't be weird.

You can throw up a hut. You can try... Again, you can try to take a long rest, but I'd say your characters know that's a more risky scenario. Yeah, I don't think so. You got to do that. All right.

I mean, how many spells do you have left? I was just saying it would be a chance to throw some heals on everybody and maybe learn one or two spells each if we burn them. Let's call it. Roll for that heal. You have Mass Cure.

We can use Hit Dice too, right? Yeah. I think I might do that. Are you singing Healer? Yeah. 16. Is this Healer? Big help for Master Gendi.

Is that for everybody? Yes. Thank you. 16. I like your full Tom Nettie. You gonna study anything? Friendly Bard? I'm going to get back.

Friendly Bard as in I'm friendly with you, the guy running the character, not friendly as in Tui is nice. I think I'm just going to get my fireball back. All right. Sounds good. Yeah, I think that's it.

Okay. That's really all I need. Maybe another hold person. Yeah, we're back. Would this be a good time I could pull out my Hell's Forager skill? Yes. Are we in that kind of dire of a circumstance?

You can try. All I'm looking for is, like, is there any kind of, like, healing, potion-y stew thing I can make multiple versions of and have on my hip ready to rock for when we inevitably get electrocuted? Right. So Hell's Forager is a skill you have as a chef. Yeah. That's what I mean.

When you're a party member in extreme danger, you gain a plus five bonus to searching for ingredients that may heal, though you may still come up short. So you get advantage on this roll. Roll a 20 twice. 20. If you do that again, you just find a doctor's office. Oh, a five.

Another time, Dr. Calzarian. So you start looking around the graveyard, and you're looking and you're looking, and in one of the corners, you find something much smaller than a bag with a corpse in it. You find a little pouch. Crack it open, and you find... I perceive it.

Why would you say corpse? Why would I? There's a present one, yeah. There are corpses all over. There's bags with corpses in them everywhere. But this isn't one. Right, and it's kind of like wedged underneath like a bag. We're basically in Gacy's basement right now.

You are very much in Gacy's prison basement. Gotcha. If Gacy ran a whole prison. Oh, someday! You found a pouch and you're like, I don't think there's a corpse in here. This looks like something a living being would carry around with it that they kind of tucked

underneath one of these bodies. And you find two greater healing potions. Yeah! Sweet. Thank you. So you could potentially mix that into food as a part of your class, but you could also just straight up have two greater healing potions. I think they're more value as is.

With your bonus, that is a... Hang on, let me check. Because if you roll a fucking 20... Don't put weed in brownies. It's a waste of weed in brownies. That's a 24. You rolled a 24 for finding... I rolled a natural 20 and then whatever my bonus is. So you're good. Great.

Two greater healing potions. Yeah. I mean, worst comes to worst, we can ration them out. Anyone else using this hour for something? I'm going to take a look at this. I'm going to try to, sorry, take a closer look at this moon thing, see if there's anything else I can find, any other details, any other outposts or signs of life

or magic things? Roll a perception check. 20! You kind of roll it side to side. And you know something real weird about that giant cube? It looks like, almost like it's

magical like those walls. almost like it's magical like those walls. Almost like it's translucent. Can I do like a finger thing where I open it up? Yeah, that doesn't work, but it's definitely different than all the other structures. And you get a real weird vibe off of it. That's about it.

Like an astral kind of vibe? Like it's almost not solid uh what were you about to ask sarah before you studied that map um i just was i'm this is just like a rules thing but yeah so i thought that i needed a long rest in order to get any of my slots back but but you're saying that I can maybe get one of them back on a short rest? You might just do a behind the screens? Yeah, you can get a spell back.

Oh, okay. But one more thing is going to happen as you get that. So go ahead and put your spell back. Okay. And Tom, I know you have spells you can do too. I'm just taking one of my slots back. I think you've only used... I haven't used anything.

Yeah, you can't... Maybe? Yeah. No, you didn't even use your Thaumaturgy. So, and as you guys learn as you finish up, a zoop, not exactly the same zoop, but the guard springs back to full life. And also you start to hear voices in the tunnel above.

Like at the hatch? Right at the hatch. Sorry about your pocket, Bodhi. Yeah, all of a sudden, Bodhi, you just got to kind of lean back as this guard grows to full size, and it's kind of squeezed up next to you and kind of backs away. They grow so fast. If we're in a hut, they can't see us, right?

No, but it sounds like they're not necessarily looking for you but they're like hanging out right at the hatch now yeah cause they probably got more bodies to fucking throw down here that is a very interesting thought that Typha just had right as we're going to call it for the week

that was 33 right yeah thanks for listening forever nerdy you can uh pre-order it my book it took me forever and i'm very proud of it uh it's coming out october 23rd and you can order it everywhere. Yeah, also keep an eye on nearmintmerch.com slash nerdpoker. Very soon there will be Elderwood Academy

hex chests with our fucking logo on it. Yes, they're pretty cool. Yeah, they sent us some test ones and they are gorgeous and we will sell them for money. Doing a run pretty soon, yeah. They're being shipped right now so they'll pop up on the website any day now cool cool thanks guys thank you oh and patreon yeah

thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.