Nerd Poker - Episode 33 - Sneaky Cracks

Episode Date: September 3, 2019

Though the group has arrived at the ancestral home of Queep's people, there seems to be a simple matter of getting to the elder/cloudy mountain without the giant punching them to death like so many aarakocra. The only way seems to be into the mountain and then underground, so it's time to sneak and hunt down some cracks.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode 33 of season three. We did it. 333? Yeah. Which is half of 666? Mm-hmm.

I wasn't even thinking that, but it's right there. I'm Ken's shirt. Oh, wow. Ken, your shirt's for the future. And this. Brian, your finger's for the future. My friends are here. Most of them have already talked.

This guy hasn't said anything yet. Excuse me. Chris. Hi. Sarah. Forget it. That's going to be one of those. Ken.

Chal. Look at Dan's face. Look at him. Look at his big, dumb face. Dan's face. The face him. Look at his big, dumb face. Dan's face. The face he was making. Getting ready to make a terrible voice.

Here he goes. It looked like you were winding up to really... To say, get fucked! It's really hot in here and I feel like everybody's hard. Is it hot in here? I feel like everybody's hard. Is it hot in here?

We'll get the AC going. And Blaine. Hi. I was waiting for you to like lay into my shirt. Look at that ugly ass shirt, everybody. I was just having fun. End of the table, as always. Sam. Hi, everybody. Hi, Sam. Hi. Nice of the table. As always. Sam. Hi, everybody.

Hi, Sam. Nice shirt. Stupid. Get fucked. Yeah, suck it. Table flip. Sorry about the table, man. Good luck. Later in the hospital. I don't know.

Got a hernia trying to flip a table. Spine shot around the room like silly string. This table weighs more than you, Blake. A lot of things weigh more than me. This hostility was brought to you by Patreons like Palladino's promoter, Pauly Stargoyle. Thank you, Palladino's promoter, Pauly Stargoyle.

Thank you, Halcine's Killer Hangover. Thank you, Halcine's Killer Hangover. Thank you, Halcine's Killer Hangover. I'm going to crank the AC. Crank it. Hail yeah. Metal. What do you got to crank it? It better be AC.

And the DC. Thank you, TikTok's Hamhocks. Thank you. Thank you. talks ham hocks thank you thank you I already think that person I did you do poo poo poo yeah I thank you dr. UD's forest-grown og kush it's thanks you too thank you thank you thank you thanks I love and thank you Admiral Sour Boys

throbbing tugboat throbbing tugboat get that checked out you know what else we should check out what happened last time on Nerd Poker and Tugboat. Get that checked out. Yep. You know what else we should check out? What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Our heroes went to the

cliffs of Mount Kakaka where Creeps people once lived but were Creeple. Where Creeps Creeple once lived an Arakoka Arakocra tribe that had been utterly annihilated by a giant. Our group saw the giant wandering back and forth amongst the trees.

His gaze high above the tree line. They were able to sneak into a little cliffside domicile. They looked deep into it and saw caves, creepnows, where an artifact might be hiding. They got a hot tip from the Archmage of Vanzervale that a druidic artifact that had once delayed the comet slowed it down just enough to keep it from destroying Cloddenheim. This artifact was

somewhere in this Aarakocra's caves, perhaps? The sewer potty tunnels? Queep thought, just mostly because he got a really low insight roll. But, who knows? Alright, so you guys are...

Who's that guy? Where'd he go? Oh, I forgot to do the... That's the recap, Dan. all right so you guys are who's that guy where do you go that's the recap you are it's nothing without the music you're in a cave and it's just bright enough outside that you do still see in the distance over the lip of this little

stone patio a giant wearing a helmet it's above the tree line, just kind of... It's like two miles away, though. We discussed this earlier, but if you wanted to attack it, you'd almost be...

You'd almost want to form a pretty complicated plan because it's going to have a pretty easy eyeline of you guys. It's amongst some trees two miles away on the other side of a lake um and you guys you know just discovered that there's caves leading into these domiciles you also notice as

you're sitting in this little stone patio this has been punched it looks like the giant was at some point going to all the little residential holes and just punching them or ripping them open even though they're made of stone. There's not much left in the way of civilization but Queep knows that this used to be like a little home. You're also on the West Cliff. To the north is where...

You know. Property values are down but rent's affordable. You could gentrify this one pretty easily. It's mostly just dead people who used to live here who can claim these spaces. How does this nail salon afford the rent? If you were to go to the middle Northcliffe, that is where the

caves of the elders are. So you would know that that is a more how do I put it? Secretive area in this little Aarakocra civilization. One of these have a cloud around it. Yeah, and so the Middle Mountain does have a magical cloud suspended over the top.

You know that is where the throne of this giant is. So I'll get that map out again. Throne of the giant. He has a throne? It is an improvised throne. He is a very savage type who has not given himself anything formal. His name is Hag,

and he's built himself... Excuse me. Jesus Christ, Dan. Dry allergy throat. He's built himself a little thing. Now, this map doesn't show that there is a magic cloud hanging over the doesn't show that there is a magic cloud hanging over the whole thing,

but there is a magic cloud sort of hanging over where this little cliff face is. Okay. You guys are in the left cliff face. It actually looks like a little face. It's like a drawing. You're a good drawer. I would like to see that in a book.

What the hell? I like that guy. You had talked about perhaps using your sending stones, how Seen did just attune herself to them. You know you can send a limited length message with these stones. And it works once a day. What are we calling

them? Because didn't we... Oh, right. So we took a poll. Sarah has suggested we take a poll and... Are you saying they're not your sending stones? What? She don't love you. That was you. There's a clear winner, but I want

to say there's a write-in. Is that a Who reference? What? Kind of. Yeah. I think the write-in. Is that a Who reference? What? Kind of. Yeah. I think the write-in. I thought the write-in. I'm sorry. Please.

The write-in was a close second. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh. Was this on our Patreon? Yeah. The write-in answer was Rocky Talkie. Oh, that's fun.

I vehemently hated that one because it doesn't quite rhyme. It almost rhymes like walkie-talkie, but it's rocky-talkie. Depends where you're from. If you're from Boston or Chicago, your accent ruins the pronunciation. And yes, it does rhyme. If you're from Vancouver. How about a racky-tacky? Racky-tacky.

Racky-tacky. Racky-talkie. You have to pronounce... It's a trick. If you pronounce it... Racky-talkie. Wait, what am I saying wrong? Rocky-talkie. Rocky-talkie I saying wrong? Rocky-talkie.

Rocky-talkie. It's an ah and an ah. Ah, yeah. Rocky-talkie. You have to turn them both into ahs or both into ahs. Rocky-talkie. Rocky-talkie. Rocky-talkie.

Rocky-talkie. Rocky-talkie. The winner was Talk Rock. Move and the man-child dies. Oh, Talk Rock. Don't move and the man-child dies. That doesn't work. What are you going to do?

No, but Talk Rock doesn't have to rhyme because it's just fun words next to each other. But Rocky Talky is a parody of Walkie Talkie. I like Rocky Talkie. As a former editor of Mad Magazine

and The Onion, parody is very important to me. This is like how you guys ended up on Time Phone. This is how we got to Ice Five, by the way. What was it? Talk Rock?

You go to Paris, France. Rock Talk? i feel you guys should uh feel free to call it either talk rock or rocky can we call it dick talk the writing candidates were very passionate so i called it if you call i will say if you call rocky talk you will make a lot of people very rocky talking i'm gonna go just me angry the fans will love it they will also love how i'm angry on top of them having chosen for someone. Talk Rock? Yeah.

They might not have all voted for Talk Rock if I had put Rocky Talky. Rocky Talky had a lot of people like that. People comment all over it. We've said Rocky Talky an awful lot, so hopefully someone's happy. I just hope there's one listener whose forehead vein is also throbbing out of their skull. I just want to know there's one other person. I'm going to stab a fork into my thigh every time someone says Rocky Taki from now on. Oh, thank you.

That means a lot to me. What are you, Opus Dei? So. Oh, my God. What a weird one. That's a weird one. Anyway. I'm going to look that one up.

Well, Seth. Seth Seth Sam David Kuhl on the show tonight It's called a Solis The device is called a Solis The thing that they put on their thighs I flipped over an hourglass The self punishment thing

Yeah I'm watching the hourglass We're talking about Let's find some treasures Okay Well we know there's tunnels We could perhaps use these Now here's the thing Yeah We're going to have to ultimately To get to this other mountain Yes Let's find some treasures. Okay. Well, we know there's tunnels. We could perhaps use these too.

Now, here's the thing. Yeah. We're going to have to ultimately, to get to this other mountain. Yes. I assume we have to... The Wizardy Mountain? If we're just on foot,

we have to descend from this and then ascend. But if we have these super tunnels... The Wizardy Mountain, the main mountain of Clottenheim, the one that may have the primary antagonist you're aware of, the Tenebrous one, is Pandemonium's Fang.

It is not one of these three. Oh, no, no, I'm talking about the one that probably has more mystical elements. Oh, no, that's different. That's Mount Cocky Cow. Mount Cocky Cow. You're currently on Mount Cocky Cow. This is going to get tough.

It's like when I was in Hawaii. Wassup out of you. Cloud Mountain is different than Pandemonium's Fang. The giant mountain is the cloud mountain. Let's get through it. Wassamata you Cloud Mountain is different there are two cloud mountains pandemonians there's a cloud mountain it's the giant the giant mountain

is the cloud mountain stop one second one second I'm helping her oh that's what I was gonna ask Cloud Mountain

is a giant throne it was just a chair and he threw it and he said throne you guys Sarah just killed herself we'll miss her so much. Okay, so Cloud Mountain is the same as

Throne Mountain is the same as Elder Mountain? Yes, yes. Yes to all. Oh, okay. Elder Mountain is the same as Throne Mountain. Wait, Mount Kakikau has this area called the Kakikau Cliff where it's got the Elder Caves. Of course it does. And it's also got the Throne of Hag and it's also got the You might as well not say any of the Ka names

because my brain processes Kakikau. There's the West Mountain. There's You might as well not say any of the names because my brain process is not a cow. There's the West Mountain. There's West, North, and East Mountains. You guys are on the West one. It's a cow the color of blockbuster pants. The North one has all the stuff that seems high value on it. Okay, let's go.

Right? Yes. Let's do it. Okay, you're currently about three stories off the ground. Right. Below you, there is a cold, dry rock that is bleached white. Do I know if we can travel through the tunnels to get there? Do a history check.

Ideally, we would be unseen. Not the hardest DC because you're from here, but. I would think that if we could find some sort of tunnels behind the cliff face that would get us at least out of sight of the... My history with tunnels would help me too. The giant. No, because you've never been here. Right, but just knowing...

Are you a spelunker? Tunnel structure. Let's see. I will let you do a survival check. Right. Which you have a pretty good rating on. All right. I'll jam his page out

Brian's page is out consulting the page lining up his next statement checking out the figure telephone call for Mr mr page what's happening survive uh yeah oh that's double checking the stat 13 oh nice okay um and and ken got a seven i mean neither of you are 100 sure what's going on here.

You feel like maybe if you go down, but Eric Hooker would just fly from one cliff to another. They didn't have much use for deep caves. Yeah, why didn't we have tunnels? Mostly to retreat from the elements. Oh, got it. And poop. Like birds do. They have tunnels.

You feel like, Darkthor, if you were to go deep in here, you might be able to look for dangers you know guide everybody directionally to the north mountain if it did go into the earth and up again but it might take longer than a direct route however as okay we have discussed in the last episode this area is pretty exposed there's trees in front of that north mountain but there's trees in front of that North Mountain, but there's this big valley with a lake in it. It's just got a pile of bones in it. And it's almost Coliseum-like in how open and presentational it is.

It's clearly somewhere that the giant has killed a lot of people already. Where we're about to go? In this big open space between the three mountains that's a more direct route. If we go through the clearing, which that is, it's a kill zone. If we try and go through the tunnels,

it takes longer. Which may or may not exist. I pitch we go around it. I can fly over and explore. Keep going. If you wish. We can send Gus. We could send somebody over there or me. Which way? To scout where we're talking about going.

Oh, right. Or send somebody through the caves, you mean? No, fly across. Oh, fly across. Two of us can fly. Right. It's true. Yeah, but can't he swat you out of the air?

I'll fly higher. And flying is going to be very exposed too, right? That's what I'm saying. So I think we should try to get to the tunnels, right? Or no? If it works. Neither of us know if it gets there because we both rolled terribly. Let's just try, I guess.

Sure, if you want. Let's not make it about what I want. I like exploring. Also, remember there's a family of owl bears waiting at the bottom. Even like, let's say we get down, we're going to have to deal with other critters just to get to the mountain

that we know that are coming after us. We'll let the giant deal with the owl bears. So let's tunnel it up. Let's be lunking. All right. So you guys head into the tunnels. Pretty quickly, you realize this residential zone

has artificially recent tunnels that have been carved since the Eric Coker lived here. Interesting. Yeah. It's mainly basic living quarters, like a three-bedroom apartment. And there is like a sort of, we'll call it, condo apartment hallway. What's the rent? That leads to other units. But it's only one direction, right?

There's no elevators. There's no elevators. There's no obvious emergency stairs, but it looks like it was made maybe when the Aarakocra were realizing they couldn't leave easily without the giant hunting them. And it doesn't go into the mountain. It's just an apartment.

Why don't you guys do an investigation check? All right. We will do that. Let us all investigate upon this. 20. Oh. Nice. 18.

17. 18. Oh. 19. Well investigated, everyone. Guys. You guys all look for a while. Then, Dr. Uig, you find a place where the rock has been split by a root,

and then some sort of creature has made a tunnel that goes down. It's about halfway between some of the central third-level residences. So you're in the dark right now. The giant is not going to be able to see you do anything because you're sort of a layer inside the mountain. Sure. But only by like 50 yards. Could the giant fit in these tunnels?

They're too small. No, although some of the openings look like they're originally meant for just Aarakocra to fly in, and now they have been punched open, so they're kind of ripped a little bit. Clearly, some sort of force has been applied to smash a lot of the rock on the

cliff face, so some of the patios are ripped off. It looks like he has been cramming his fist in there. Is there room for us to get through this hole here? It's going to be a pretty tight fit for your bigger fellows, but you might be able to pull it off.

Just butter them up and slide them through. If I shrink down my armor, will that help? Oh, can you transform people into things? Yes. I will do that. Dr. Ud? I can turn myself into something cave dwelly.

Sure. Well, I meant to make people small cave dwelly. Sure. Well, I meant to make people small enough to get through. Yeah, do you have a spell you can cast on someone else, I believe is what she's asking, in particular because Queep is a bit large, even though this is his home territory. You could turn Darkthor into a baby bird, and I could carry him in my pocket to school to have a secret friend when I feel sad.

No. We had a kid in our class. She had a bird but it was dead. She kept a dead bird in her desk. You thought that was cool though. Is this the plot of the movie Hereditary? Now she's the lead singer of Slipknot. Am I right? Come on Brian. Am I right?

Slipknot? Yeah. Come on. Slipknot. Slipknot. Good Slipknot joke. I forgot to bring these when we played the thing. Does he still do that? The Slipknot guy?. Slipknot. Good Slipknot joke. I forgot to bring these when we played the thing. Solid Slipknot joke. Does he still do that, the Slipknot guy? No. I think they did that in the early, early days.

There's only four. You got to. It's good for the giant. He looks like a giant. You got to snort a dead crow to puke on stage, you know, once you get that jaded, right? Yeah. Slipknot guys. All right.

Okay, I go in the hole. All right. Roll a dexterity check, please. Or no, no. Athletics. Thank you. no, athletics, thank you. Now it's all kids' songs. 11? Not really.

Wait, which Slipknot are we talking about? The band. Oh. You get a couple stories down, but it takes you a while, and you're calling up to everybody that it's going to be a minute. It's going to be a minute. You keep getting stuck along the way, and after a couple of hours, you get down and realize,

yeah, Queep is going to have some trouble getting through this, but you get down, and there is a cave a real natural looking cave that has you know condensation dripping down the walls it's very cold uh so some of it is frosted um it almost seems like the wind coming through this tunnel is the only thing that's making this particular area moist. Ugh. Very dark. I prefer the term unwet and... But it's like a 20-foot-wide cave. Okay, so just the

descent is what I think is going to be hard for... Yeah. Everyone's going to need to do a dex check, and you think Queet might get stuck. Can I... Seriously, put oil all over your body. Can I climb around the outside somehow well that's the trouble this is the only way that Hal seen saw

on the way down there wasn't like a second story or first story I think you can make it if you couldn't fit I did fit and none of our magical friends have anything that makes somebody different yeah nobody has anything

that we can shrink down or I could turn into something what about him we're talking about Queep is there a way I can't

I can't change anybody I can pray to Valkyr to like lube him up that's my problem I can't change myself can we dig is there a Jenny Craig spell

I mean it's gonna take forever to make the whole thing we have a Susan Powder spell is it just one spot that's the problem? Wait, Tick Tock? No, there's like two or three spots that are choke points. Because you got that 11, it took a couple hours. Could I bust open the... Does it feel like we could break away the areas, though,

that are to let him get there? Perhaps. I think we should do that. I will let you do a straight strength check to try to smash open the bottom most. Can I I have a yogurt no I am NOT exaggerating I literally almost rolled a skittle do you need a yogurt that's like when you try to zoom in on a package your fingers do that on my dashboard all the time um 15 yeah again it takes a while but you feel like you get the bottom most choke point a little wider okay cool just taking your shield and bashing it i

guess i might have a spell that could help with the next one here but okay do you want to go up try and squeeze up the next one? This next one's going to be harder because you can't plant your foot on solid ground very easily. You've got to use your legs to kind of brace yourself in the tunnel. Can I slather myself with yogurt?

Does anybody have something like a... I have oil. Yeah. Almost like a... Okay, a non... You know what happens when birds get oily? I'll just grease them. I could cast shatter.

Okay. I thought they'd catch worms. Shadooby. Because it says a creature made of inorganic material like stone has a disadvantage on their saving throw. A non-magical object that isn't being worn or carried also takes the damage if it's in a spell's area i'll allow it so you're gonna cast shatter yeah on the next

choke point all right doesn't matter should it be so you cast shatter and there is a loud kathwack and you guys all beforehand know it should have been in the rolling stones you back away from the gun it's it's uh take a bite of the big apple. It's incredibly loud, and it echoes like a cannon fire out through the back of the tunnel. Nobody heard that. You manage to shake a lot of the tunnel loose, and you feel like there's just one point now up near the entrance that might be a little hard for Creep to get through.

I'll take the point. Can you try to smash this open for him? Sure. Do a strength check, Darkthor Could I do it with him so he can roll with advantage? Yes, you may Halcine could not have because she was the only one down there Someone else would have had the call

Bocce boo Rolls like advantage Tick Tock is holding your hips In like a supportive way That was not good I'll try and work that shit open yeah seven yeah you spend about two hours on it and it doesn't matter how many people are helping you but this is a really hard area of rock

even if Ken tries let me do it you you maxed out how much you can do you had two people in a small opening so you you did your best. But yeah, after two hours... I guess my best wasn't good enough. You've made like half an inch of rock. It's rock. It's hard to chip away. Okay, so I think after... I don't think we would have spent two hours,

especially knowing we just made that noise, right? I think we would probably... You can tell me. You guys, wouldn't we have stopped and done another noise if we already know that the guy is probably going to come in? Oh, yeah, maybe.

Is there a way for us to go? I do another noise. Do you? Sorry, I just said that in the dumbest possible way. Do a noise. Do a noise. I was like, when we did that noise. Do you have another shatter prepared that you're going to cast?

Yeah, I mean, it's just a slot. All right. So you cast it again. Shatter it. You didn't even have any roll damage last time. No, I mean, it's an enclosed space. As long as you tell everyone to back away so they don't get hurt, I'm thinking it's an automatic success.

Success, success, success, success, success. As long as you're taking those spell slots as used, like a loud cannon fire, she hits shatter again. Everybody do a perception check for me. All right. I don't know why. He wants to know if we'll perceive something. 24.

12. 17. 12. 19. A couple of you here outside. A very loud booming voice going, outside. A very loud booming voice going, in a sort of

unintelligible giant language. Hey, there's a monster outside. Let's go. Guys, quiet. It's a hag, you guys. I was going to say that we should try to find a different cave that might connect to this one and scamper down the

cliff face when the giant doesn't see us. But I think he's seen us. He doesn't have an eyeline, but he knows something's going on inside this cliff. Two big noises came from the same hole. Right. And it smells like Brussels sprouts. We should get him to reach into the hole and then blow up his hand or something. Yeah, I like that.

How close is he by those noises? Let's go, right, though? You're, again about about 50 yards into the cliff face he doesn't have an eyeline on you because you're in like a hallway we did them noises so let's now go do the slidey slide you're gonna do a slidey slide let's go let's go going down go go get out of here all right uh this time no one has to do a dex check because the space has been magically and physically cleared wide open. It's been properly lubed. So you guys KY it down to the sub-basement.

And it is very dark. It is very dark. There's a small pile of rubble from Halcyon's shatter spells. Hey, boss, you want to go look ahead with your special dragon eyes and see what you can see? Oh, you mean like fly it out through the cave? Yeah, but, you know, careful. Last time you had see. Oh, you mean like fly down through the cave? Yeah, but you know, careful like... Ha!

Last time you had me do this, I got hit by a giant burrowing monster and then I saw white for a while and then I woke up a couple seconds later after realizing what it was like to be dead. You're making me do this again. I'll remember this. Well, be careful is what I'm saying. I was careful last time and I died. Well, last time we thought you were magic.

Oh. Now we know you're like us. Cue sad music. You're a person like us. Right, and you're still making me do it. I'm saying be careful and go sneaky. Right. I don't think he's making you do it.

We wish you well. No, I am bound to him. If he tells me to do it, I have to do it. Okay, do anything. We wish you well. No, I am bound to him. If he tells me to do it, I have to do it. Okay, hold on. I retract my statement. Hey, Gus, you want me to go with you? I have good elven eyes. Yes.

Am I allowed to say yes? Of course. Is she the boss also? We are all bosses, boss. Okay. But not the giant. No, I don't like him. No. Everyone's bosses boss. Okay. But not the giant. No, I don't like him. Oh,

everyone's the boss. So, uh, who's the boss? Nope. Not gonna do it. Not falling for that one. Gonna do it.

You, you guys can't, uh, hear it on the podcast, but I violently spewed vomit when I heard that joke. I'm not, I'm not dancing. Wow. but I violently spewed vomit when I heard that you're not yes wipe your face vomit joke and wash your hands after you're done yogurt uh yeah uh you're gonna

what go with gus just to see what's going on so i mean i guess he sounded really upset darker i mean yeah he definitely uh expressed himself in a specific way so the do they want else want to go you guys have elf eyes too so yeah and darker canor can help oh yeah maybe darkthor should go but i'm happy to do it okay he goes instead okay so you and gus are gonna head in what you are sure is the northern direction towards the other cliff but it does bend a couple of times so uh why don't you do a stealth and perception check for me please and then why don't you do one for gus also sure. Stealth and perception? Yeah. These guys are going to lead. Perhaps over Kurt Russell's sticker face that we have laid out there

because Ken brought us stickers of Kurt Russell's face. Oh, no. We're moving them. Oh, I thought you wanted them? No, no, no. Get them. It's fine. How many Kurt Russell's is this hallway? Now it's just a visual

gag that I feel like i have to describe agreed all right thank you for taking a photo of it so please uh before the numbers happen uh get your walking order behind uh i need to re-ask you brian because i'm in the middle of a sentence and my brain is is weak walking order yeah get your walking order first. Get Gus up by him and we're back here. We're back here. Uh, should I stay back? Yeah.

What was your stuff? I wish we had some dwarven, uh, forge for the, for the caves. Do we have any, uh, yeah,

it'll take me a minute. Uh, well, can you tell me what your roles were again? I just did one, the 19. Was that your perception of yourself? Okay.

And then what was the other thing I was running? Perception. 11. Oh, that's better. All right. I ain't even begging for those who's the boss jokes. Just to fill the time. Oh, yeah.

Take me a minute. We are all the boss. Oh, I'm sorry. I just like them when we have them. The Dwarven Forge. Blaine, what do you got? Dan getting the Dwarven Forge dungeon set up is brought to you by

Dumb Hat. Hey, want to look like an asshole? Try D dumb hat. Available where dumb hats are sold. You'll look like a fucking asshole with dumb hat. I like that one.

Thank you, Brian. I think we need to kill more time. This bonus stretch brought to you by Cigables edible cigarettes we're jumping on board the pot thing now you've eat some cools cigaretteables menthol light i like the one i like the parliaments because they have those cool filters that are all crunchy like bugles anyway so you make it pretty far and you don't think you

uh notice anything other than an occasional uh you know like cracking noise um as the earth shifts around you uh right where the bricks end there's a sharp 90 degree turn to the right oh no and shell Silverstein is there. You feel like you're maybe halfway there. Okay. And that turn would take us towards the North Mountain, right? So that's good. Is that where the sour gets?

All right. Shall we continue? Yeah. No. Am I coming through the crack behind you guys? You've all come down. At this point, you've... We're all down. You've gone like down. At this point, you've gone

two football fields of this tunnel that's sort of straightforward. It weaves a little bit. There's a lot of bends in it, but not so much that it's not hard for Darkzir to kind of peek around corners and get a sense. But he rolled a 12 on his perception and didn't particularly notice anything. Is there any reason that we're not all just going?

You are all going. He's just in the lead. Oh, I thought he was scouting. Yeah, okay. That was my understanding. I'm telling you basically that for that long of a distance, he was able to scout and not see anything and motion you guys along. But yep, there's a sharp right turn.

Why don't we all gather at the corner and do a little sneaky peering? Alright, who's doing the peering? It's blind corner, so why don't you roll a stealth perception again just for the corner. Both. Do you want Gus to do that too?

If he's going to do a Scooby-Doo like a second pair of eyeballs above him. 20 on stealth. And a little bit less on perception and uh eight so yeah i mean you slowly turn your head and do i get a survival bonus on that or nope because you're not trying to survive anything you're just trying to okay you're trying to perceive and be sneaky okay uh survival is more like are you doing something that i got you you know yeah it's like it's like an outdoors

mini dungeoneering kind of skill so yeah you get around the corner but it takes you a while to kind of get your head around and feel like you get a good glimpse and so if there was something waiting for you missed it you can you don't see anything though okay yeah must be safe then let's go all right

let's continue down head a couple more a hundred feet and you get to very odd thing it looks like there is skylight coming in through a crack in the ceiling this does look like it was some sort of that was just Sam losing more shit under furniture one for episode edition yeah I will I think eventually take something and duct tape it under Brian's furniture that you can discover one day at a little price.

But Brian will get mad at me. I'll ruin his furniture. The area was built by Eric Cochran. You recognize it, Queep, as Eric Cochran stonework. This is Eric Cochran stonework, you guys. And there's a crack in the ceiling. You don't right now hear any giant noises or anything do you like um but between darks are no knowing how to travel underground and you knowing the city you've never been here but you're like okay this is some sort of lower level underneath

the north mountain works yes The North Mountain known as the Kakiko. Is this Cloud Mountain? Oh, so we're now in the Kakiko. Great. Yeah. Guys, we did it. High fives, everybody. Ice fives. There's no I in the ice five.

There is an I, but it doesn't matter because we're all... There's two I's in the ice five. There is an I, but it doesn't matter because we're all... Oh, there's two I's in the ice five. Ice five. Ice five. Oh, no. Gus just stared at you silently with giant eyes while you were doing that. You can do that too, boss.

My hand's small. That's all right. Your hand is just as powerful as ours. No, it isn't. Well, but I mean, you know, in a group sense Oh, okay A person is a person no matter how small So you

Are looking around Hey Cleep, why don't you do an insight check Just you Okay, I'm not going to use that die anymore Oh great Seems like a real weird basement You rolled a three, ladies and gentlemen He's looking up his bonus I'm not going to use that die anymore. Oh, great. Seems like a real weird basement. Yeah.

You rolled a three, ladies and gentlemen. He's looking up his bonus. I'm just looking at my bonus. I rolled seven. I'll tell you right now. Yeah. Yep, seven. Yeah, this looks like it is definitely for important people. This is for folks that you didn't consort with directly.

You see not a stairwell but a tunnel they they have a to you guys looks much like a spiral staircase but it's sheer so it's more like a spiral passage ramp yeah that your people would probably fly up sure and we barely touch the ground there are there are stone working in the walls there's no no furniture, though. It looks very gutted. A crack that we could see the sky through. Yeah, and when you look up, the crack is about 20 feet off the ground. Can we not say crack as much?

Crack. Okay, I was just checking. There's a fissure in the ceiling. It's a K-R-A-C-K. K-R-A-C-K. My concern is that was created by a giant so that, for example, a giant could try and grab us. It's a peeking hole.

It looks like this could have been caused by giant damage. You don't think a giant could fit down here, but you think an arm might be able to fit down here. That's what I mean. It seems like this is a great place for us to get grabbed by a giant as we go through. We'll be ready for it if it is. How big is it? It's wide

enough for a giant's arm to fit down, but not much. And I'll remind everyone that we know that these giants are mutated. We don't know what, but we know these giants are more than just what we have to do to him. In the middle of your interrogation of the wizard, you discovered he was some sort of... All the giants are mutated somehow.

I like that idea. I think it's we're going to have to struggle getting up this ramp and that's going to be good giant grab grab time. That was my favorite 80s arcade game. Good giant grab grab time. Oh my God. And every time our candy came,

came out the whole slewis. Let's do it. Does it seem like we have to go up that ramp? To get out of this area, yeah. I mean, you could keep looking around. There are more hallways that lead around here. This is just sort of the most obvious central thing about the room is that it goes up. The room does continue in the darkness,

some hundred feet in a couple of directions. It's pitch black down here other than the the light so it's a little hard for those of you without dark vision to focus but i think throw some torches it's really just queep i think queep might be the only one without dark vision i don't have dark oh how's my eye doing uh you can't see out of it and actually reminds me of something this would mean basically a retcon of a couple of things, but we're not going to worry about that too much. It's time to adjust your stats. Oh, no. You have not lost your eye as an organ, but it is non-functional.

It is a dead eye. So you now take a... Who will have dead eye? You take a minus one penalty to initiative and perception. Jesus. Okay. However, if you as a character can craft what I think

is an awesome eye patch, I will give you a plus one to intimidation. I can't wait to get an eye patch. Well, when you come up with how you're going to make one, I'll give you a plus one to intimidation.

All right. We're going to find anything around here? What about like a giant bone? Also, some straps, you know, Dr. Uden, Dr. Uden Halsey and Wado, there might be a way to regenerate your eye,

but neither of them currently know a spell that will pull it off. It might be something for another day. We'll save that. Right now I want a cool eye patch. Oh, well. If you want to get on the eye patch, it would help you quit smoking eyes. I can't write prescriptions you know I but doctor!

Okay. So were we deciding just to go up this hill? Yes. Doctor! Go up the ramp or there's two hallways in this room that you've just sort of broken into. I feel a little embarrassed about my there is no I in the Ace 5 speech now.

I just didn't want you to know. Not offended. Okay. Because there's two I's. Because it's only been a problem for a very short time, so it doesn't hurt my feelings yet. But you do it again, who knows? Oh, wow. Can you threaten her with an Arakokra word?

Kalaka your kalukaklaka. That almost worked. All right. So just to be clear, you are going to go up the ramp,uck. That almost worked. All right, so just to be clear, you are going to go up the ramp, the spiral ramp. Yeah. All right, there's not immediately a clear light source, but it does look like there might be more light

coming in higher up. It curves. There's our friend with the wing. A tower. Queep, why don't you fly up there? Seeing as this is a staircase built for you, why don't you fly up there and see what's the deal? It's just wide enough for your

wingspan. It leaves about two feet to spare. Do I even need the staircase? Can I just fly straight up? No, in fact, there are no stairs. Just to be clear, it's like a rampage. It's sheer, so these guys might even have trouble ascending this a little bit. It's like a slide. Maybe you could get up there and drop a rope. I'll check it out.

And so you're going to fly up. You get what seems like two stories up and you can tell your ground level because there is a crack here that leads out of the cliff. It looks like this has perhaps

been punched again. There is a big enough hole that a lot of sunlight is pouring through. It continues to go up, though, into some more darkness. So can I fit into this? If you wanted to exit into the outdoors, you could. I'll give a peek. Okay.

Do a perception check. Remember your new penalty. It's weird that you're peeking out of a mountain. Let me look at my perception. Doesn't really matter since I rolled two. You see a lot of trees. They're kind of blocking the view. Okay.

There's also a lot of just churned up dust around here. You see churned up dust. It looks like there was some sort of scuffle here within the last few days, but it's hard to see far into the distance. But it seems like I'm peeking out at ground level. Mm-hmm. Interesting.

And it looks like you left your friends in like a second basement. There was not a first basement sort of opening, so it's not like there's a floor between you and the ground. basement sort of opening so it's not like there's a floor between you and the ground. Alright, I'll come back down and tell them where I sit. And you could have gone up higher.

Oh. To be clear. It continued to ascend into darkness. You stopped here to peek out. Okay. So I'm continuing up a crack that's like in the side? No, no. There's sort of non-staircase. The top of the internal ramp tower thing.

The ramp continues. It continues up. Sure. I'll go up some more. All right. Why don't you roll another perception check for me? Which die will not... Oh, 16.

All right. So this time you get up a couple more and there is a big flat open space and it stops. So now you feel like you're on like second floor. You do recognize this area. You are here once as a child. It's sort of a big ceremonial room where people would meet with the elder sometimes. And I have my bar mitzvah here. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. You got your first car. And the, the, the, the, this sort of like cultural center here. It's almost like a theater.

And you, for one second in the back of the room, see a small floating thing zip away down a hallway. Oh dear. Yeah. Hmm. floating thing zip away down a hallway oh dear yeah hmm what do you think it is what do you point how small I'm gonna get it just moat fist sized and it's it's far away it's on the opposite side there was saying going after go after it hmm but she couldn't say it out loud because Halcine is four stories beneath you right now.

So it disappeared into the darkness. Can I light a torch? You can. I shall. You light the torch and the room lights up quite a bit. There is another crack. It's a little dark.

It looks like it's around the corner so sunlight isn't pouring directly but there's another crack it looks like an arm has been in here also you see scorch marks around the crack you're not sure how that happened but it looks like there has been some sort of magical blast through the opening dragon maybe it's not the giant maybe it's a dragon um but i don't see any... No sign of the thing, although you do see, you know, a lot of empty space, dust kind of floating off the ceiling, and there are multiple exits. You can pinpoint which one the floating object went down. I can.

Yeah. I'll head that way. Okay. Are you trying to be sneaky times let's stealth it up please it's kind of hard to be stealthy with a big torch in my hand true

13 on the stealth the difficulty challenge score went up of course because you have a torch but yes make it around a corner and yeah there's just more halls no sign of the object but you you do recognize this as an area you were never allowed in but is where the elders used to come and go all right i'll keep going down a hall okay Go down some more hallways. You don't know exactly how many of them there are,

but you are going to get lost fairly quickly unless you pick a direction or a goal. Well, I'm trying to... Locate this thing? Yeah. Why don't you do an investigation check? All right. 14.

You don't see anything. You're really quiet. I think I'm going to head back and get the guys to come with us. Come with me. Okay. We've all moved on and remarried. I'm an insurance broker in Topeka.

Roll a 20 set of dice for me, please. All right. Nine. Okay. As you get to the stairwell, you notice the room behind you gets dark quicker than it should considering the fact that you're carrying a torch. So you kind of like exit from the main theater

cultural center area into this sort of rampy stairwell area. And as you pull the torch across that threshold, it's almost like the room kind of blacks out. Hmm. Those things are probably following. I'm still going to head down or call out. Do you think they're close enough to hear me? Down below?

Down below, yeah. Yeah, what do you call out to them? I found some stuff up here. Shh. Ooh, stuff. That's a giant. I run. I hear the word stuff and I go.

It takes you guys a long time This is a ramp So you guys are scramble scramble We need a rope It's just like a wheelchair ramp Yeah But it's steep It's like a parking structure

So you can do it but again it's going to take you Like a painful 20 minutes to get up four flights Once you get up four flights. Once you get up there, yeah, it feels eerily dark. You guys are now at the top, and this is a big room. You can see in there, it's not like someone cast Darkthurs Darkness, where it's like inky, magical blackness, but it's shadowy. Do the people with dark vision see anything better, or is that blacked out? A little bit, but it's definitely obscured.

Can anyone detect ghosts? Does it seem like the darkness is darkness, or is it made up of something? It seems magical in nature. Because you don't see any particles. Queep. Is it possible there is some sort of remaining Aarakocra, I don't know, resistance guard that could still exist deep inside these bones?

As you say that, you hear across the room, Ah! Oh. Queep. What the hell? It's your mama. exist deep inside these bones as you say that you hear across the room oh what the hell it's your mama would you just understand what they said uh yes uh you you recognize it as the eric cochran word for help oh tell us all right i going to go towards that sound. Someone's calling out for help. You get to the center of the room, and your foot catches. Catches? Do a dexterity saving throw, please. Trap.

Well, that's a four. So it doesn't really matter. Six. Some sort of sticky black tentacle is wrapped around your leg oh no and you are stuck fast and you hear from uh two other corners of the room the same voice saying help from three different directions some bullshit is it a trap yeah i'm pretty sure they're all dead well this is some kind of sticky killer yeah can I attack yes you say yeah go for it

I mean you roll no attack yeah right yeah and we're nowhere near right yeah you're okay not far I mean if you wanted to react. Yeah, right. Yeah. And we're nowhere near, right? No, we're right outside. Yeah. You're, you're okay. You're not far. I mean, if you wanted to react, I think you could, yeah, I think it would be attack the darkness, right? Yeah. I love that movie. Blaine. Oh, speaking of the darkness, uh, I don't know if, uh, 14, I don't know if I saw this show before, but I went to Palladino's this weekend. Oh, yeah?

You think you may have seen this band? Yeah, I'm not sure if I saw this show before, but it was sort of a change of pace. It was all guy bands. It was all male-themed bands. It was a pretty good lineup. I don't remember you doing that before. That doesn't mean you didn't. It was the Indigo Boys were there.

They were good. It feels familiar, but only because of that band. Sidney Lauper. The guy guys, Biff Orton. Biff Orton was there. Girl George did a set. Girl George? Girl George.

McDonald. The big headliner was McDonald. Shettleman Gaga. Ricky Minaj. Shit, oh my Gaga. Gentleman Gaga. Oh, Gentleman Gaga. Yeah.

Gerald Fitzella. Kind of a play on words there. Oh, and then the big headliner, big headliner was great. Male heart. Just male heart. Male heart. Just male heart. Male heart. So I rolled a 14 into a tie. Yeah, you hit it

and it doesn't break, but you hit it. You feel like you connected with this sort of misty form at your leg. What are you guys doing? And you really get along. You felt like you finished each other's sentences. Go ahead. I'm casting Gust of Wind directly

to try to disperse or dispel whatever the stuff in there is. Okay. And is that an attack roll or a saving throw in response? That's a great question. And the answer is they have to succeed on a strength saving throw. All right. Pardon me. uh it's a they have to succeed on a strength saving throw all right oh it's a fail so um it's pushed 15 feet away if it's a thing and also the gust will disperse gas or vapor extinguish candles torches and other unprotected flames so Sorry, but I'm

coming in for you. Kweep, you get knocked back and lose your footing, but your leg is released. You hear a voice cry out when you do this, this time in common. It says, Halt! Who goes there?

Who are these assholes? Who are you assholes Who are you assholes Haha It is I Guxan The druid master Of this place Who has trespassed It sounds like Gus

It sounds like Tim I don't mean to sound like Gus Do you know Gus No It sounds like Tim. I don't mean to sound like Gus. Do you know Gus? No. Oh. Do you have a boss? No.

All right. Let's continue down this track to further confuse and bore everyone. My name is Guxon, and I am the druid master of this place. Who has trespassed? Well, I'm from this place. This was my home. It is no longer. we'll see about that wow well that did sound a bit like gus there the way i reacted who's gus oh shut the fuck up uh who's on first nobody knows okay is all this happening

within the earshot yeah i mean here so i'm going can i see anything now is that did the gusts anything no it actually did not disperse the the dark 20 nice uh you see a large shifting shape in the corner um you also that's a natural 20 yeah yeah yeah you also see there are shifting shapes coming from the from three directions where the Eric Coker calls had been coming from. And in a fourth corner, there is a larger shifting shape. Okay, I and it is it is very big. We're all we all see this new no, she can tell you it's

there, but it's dark. It's meant to obscure the into a silhouette at least. Yes. So he's being like surrounded by things. He's on his butt. Yeah, he got you got knocked on his booty by the gust. Okay, just for shits and giggles, I'm going to create 10 gallons of water and make it fall down from the ceiling

and see if that does anything to it. Over the big guy? Yeah, it's a 30-foot cube, so I'm just going to make it just start to rain. Cool. I haven't seen you make it rain since we were cheetahs. We were cheetahs uh you uh so you we were cheetahs rain or dumping water it's important it falls as rain okay there's a man should have gone with spearmint rhino you guys all hear uh national a trickling noise and then uh what the son of a

god damn it okay now i'm using this opportunity to run in and grab him. Okay. Pick Queep up. If she runs in, I would be following her. Okay. You're all just gathered around Queep? Are you hustling back? No, I'm hustling. I'm getting him back out the door. Okay, so you're heading back to the ramp, basically.

Okay. After a minute, this thing says, What do you want? Get out of here. Wet enough for you? We're the Ice Five. Freeze frame. of here wet enough for you we're the ice five freeze frame cue the ice five theme song i get the magic dick blowing on the mouth harp what it's magic dick he was the harmonica player for the jay giles don't say magic dick ever again that's his name magic dick

it's on his driver's license no it is okay he's the harmonica player for jay giles you know why they call it a magic dick because his dick was magic unexpected yeah if you knew his dick you could get into the magic castle. But you still ought to wear a suit. The voices continue to cry out and demanding you explain why you're here. Don't go to the close-up room. Does anyone else want to...

What is it? This place is dead. You're the only one who can see. Flee! You can hear him identifying himself as the druid. Right? Everyone else heard that? Yeah. him identifying himself as the druid that now... Right? Everyone else heard that? Yeah. He identified himself as Druid Master Guxan. Yeah. Druid Master Guxan,

we are the Ice Five, and we are here to save the day. Show yourself. Show yourself. Do a intimidation check. Okay. Does Guxan ring any druid bells with me? Great question.

Do a history check, won't you? I only got a 10, so. So it's more like, show yourself. 16. Yeah, Guxan sounds familiar. He was a pretty powerful druid, and he actually was in the north end of Silverhenny Woods, pretty far away,

but not far from where you studied in Half-Elf University. Oh, old one to you. It takes me back. So he at least knows the name. Sam Cuddinough, flashback scene of me just hanging out, doing some old campus stuff, and younger me, CGI me, making me campus stuff. You know, younger me. CGI me.

He's got a name. Thanks, Sam. Might not be him, but he's got a name, Blaine. Yeah? Yeah. What's his name? Guxan. Oh, right. And he is not revealing himself. He issues more threats. Well, we have a druid master here as well what druid master

ladies and gentlemen Blaine just did the cut it out cut it out neck oh my tie yes Darkfish can I cast a fairy fire oh good idea what's the range on that can you tell us folks at home good idea 60 feet's the range on that? Can you tell us, folks at home? Good idea.

60 feet. It is 60 feet away. Nice. So he does a dexterity saving throw, right? Yeah. But I think. Ooh. Did he fail?

He rolled a three. Oh. Nice. He's outlined in light. You see a shape. In blue. Blue? In the northeast corner of the room.

You guys are sort of central in the south end of the room. Why is that funny? No, Ken and I looked at each other like that was charming. I know, so Ken and I looked at each other like that was actually charming. And then he noticed us looking at each other. You see a blue shape, very round with what looks like eye stalks

coming off of it. Oh, no. Fucking beholder. God damn these things. Glowing blue. But we know that just because it's a beholder doesn't automatically make it evil. From what you know, they're very dangerous in an evil sort of way.

Remember the Mind Flayer Queen thing? It was still itself, even though it was also a beholder. I'm not saying this guy's not dangerous, but he may not automatically be. Were you messing with some crystals? Do a persuasion check.

20 natural ice. You are crushing it. You hear silence. And then it says, look, I'm just trying to, I'm doing what I gotta do in here. I'm trying to protect something very important

oh guys this is why we're here remember the druid people we're keeping stuff safe yeah do you remember that that's why we're here is to get the druid artifact

we've been sick you what by who by the archmage of Vanzervale, a.k.a. Arthur. Oh. You're one of those. Well, I don't know what that means.

Well. We met him. Backtrack, back it up, back it up. Oh, you're not one of his acolytes. Is that, maybe you can explain what's going on. Can you explain the dirty pile of, do a persuasion check. The dirty,

what's the hamper? The pile of balls, you mean? No, the dirty pile of robes. The dirty pile of robes, clean pile of robes. Ooh,

18. Dirty robe, clean robe. I regret interrupting with this. Did not expect to hear the phrase dirty pile. Your dirty pile of lies.

So, when you ask the the it was silent again for a second and the shadow shift uh the glowing blue thing uh sort of like edges embarrassedly like kind of shyly like into the hallway a little bit. So you still see like a little bit of a glowing face. And it looks disgusting. It's a much more grotesque looking beholder than the one you encountered in Bozor. And it is, speak to you. It says, do not trust that archmage. It is his fault that I am like this. Well, how so?

He told me to protect this artifact. I needed to use the crystals, and look what it's done to me. He told you to touch the crystal? Absolutely. Now look at me. Yeah, that was a mistake. Yeah, looking at you. We'll be right back.

Yeah, why don't you get fucked? We're here to get the artifact in order to battle the Tenebrous One, who ultimately is really who made you this way. But did he not send you? It's a trap. No. No, he didn't send us. He laughed and suggested, oh, wouldn't it be crazy

if we were the ones who went to... Oh. We being the Ice Five. Ba-ba-ba-ba! If he sent you to retrieve something, it's because he is too much of a coward to get it himself. went to... We being the Ice Five. If he sent you to retrieve something, it's because he is too much of a coward to get it himself. Oh, we know that. Yeah, we're not fans.

The artifact I brought here long ago when I was a half-elf, it's being protected so the likes of him cannot get to it. By the giant. He told me that I was helping him, but I know now that he was lying.

He cursed me to this place. I am here to keep others from getting to it until he can get it himself. Maybe we can break the curse. Yeah, we want to use it to fight the Tenebrous one. Possibly undo these god shards. All right. Well, we'll see about that, I suppose.

Good luck getting it out of here. What is it, this druidic thing? Oh, it is the eye of a dragon that is petrified. So heavy, then? Like a boulder? It's pretty large, yes. And how does it work? You unite it with the other artifacts and it it has magical powers it's these are you know

body parts these artifacts of different creatures that that touched a god that once walked this plane and so it has the ability to affect very uh heavy things very distant things it has powers that allow you to move things from a distance. It's how we were able to keep the comet from hitting at full force. So this god has nothing to do with the comet. This was pre-comet god walking. Yeah, pre-comet god walking. Exactly.

Like they always say on TV. Right? Yeah. So if I were to give you the dragon's eye, good luck getting it out of here with that giant outside. But could we bring the things here? Can we kill the giant and then get it out of here? If you killed the giant, it would make it a lot easier,

but he is a part of a group of giants. Oh, nobody said group. It'd be great if we could control the giants and have them carry it. I mean, how many of you are there? I might be able to help you kill the giant, but I'm no good on my own. Yeah, you can help us. There's five of us plus another one.

Ice five plus one. So you see from out of the shadows, from the other corners of the room, these tiny little beholder things kind of come out. They've got like four eyestalks each. They're like fist size and they float out. What are these little three of them? Who are these guys? And then from his corner, he comes out and he is undead.

Like he has a big whited over eye and all his eyestalk eyes are white. Gross. And we'll just go ahead and pause eye stock eyes are white. Gross. And, uh, we'll just go ahead and pause it there until next time. Cool. That was a 33. Yes. Yes.

Anybody you want to thank other than, uh, thank, uh, or, uh, or plug. Well,

a couple of things. One, we, uh, we, we, we do. We do want to do Sam first.

Oh yeah. Let's do that. Hey everybody. Hi Sam. What happened? i'd be happy to tell you guys uh this is episode 33 i know i don't need to say this but if we don't name it rocky talky i'll kill myself brian thinks my name is seth uh for two seconds i didn't even think you caught it i really hope we might lube somebody up blaine's should do b is of course from the stone song shattered i think you caught it. I really hope we might lube somebody up. Blaine's should do be is, of course, from the stone song shattered. I think you're going to wake this giant accidentally.

We're trying to make the little dragon we own go into the tunnel. I was taking a picture and wasn't paying attention. Why? But everyone high fived. These cracks might be from a giant punching this place. I know I don't need to say this, but if Ken stuck in a trap, I'll kill myself.

This might be one of those animals that can yell help like the bear in annihilation. Cheetahs is, of course, the strip club down the street from Jumbo's clown room. Blaine maybe knows Guxan and there might be a beholder and I know what that is. He knows shit. Sam, you leveled up.

So we should plug the shop. Oh yeah, do it. We've got merch online. If you go to nerdpokerpod.com, there are hoodies and shirts and a mug and a pin. It's good stuff. Cool. There's an Ice 5 logo and my personal favorite,

the Kookaloo shirt, which looks like a Coca-Cola Classic shirt. It is beautiful and resplendent. The sweatshirt you're wearing uh i'm currently wearing yeah you can get a purple nerd poker how many how many other colors it's like five colors is that sunday purple green cool yeah can you got big boy sizes for they got we got big boys we got big big fellow sizes. You guys, fellow big boys. Hey, big boy. Come over, big boys. Just buy a shirt, big boy. Don't come over.

Also, the nerd poker crotchless candy pants. Thank God, finally, we got on that wagon. Also in big boy size. We're now sponsored by Spencer's Gifts. Only in big boy size. Yeah, it's only available on 5X. We've got nerd poker nude lawn darts. We've got... Don't fill up on candy panties. Spencer's gift. Only in big boy size. Yeah, it's only available on 5X. We've got nerd poker, nude lawn darts.

We've got... Don't fill up on candy panties. Oh my God, I'm so sick. Here, hold my hair. How do you think this got started? Oh, and I'm going on tour in late October. So I'll be in Portland and Seattle and a couple of places in the Pacific Northwest with a few of my... We'll go to those places soon. Yeah.

Well, I hope we don't overlap too much. I don't think we will. I'm there sooner. You should see Brian there and you should also see me there. I'll be there with some of my Second City friends. Thanks, you guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.