Nerd Poker - Episode 35 - Harmless Blessing

Episode Date: October 10, 2018

Finally, someone at this crazy moon prison is willing to dish some moon prison gossip! All our heroes had to do was get real cozy with a mysterious cosmic being! There's monsters everywhere biting guards in half! Everything is going great!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Sam, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 2. Hey everybody, it's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

What episode is this? 35. 35. My friends are here. Chris. Hello. Ken. Yes. Dan. Doink. Blaine. Hi. My friends are here Chris Hello Ken Yes

Dan Doink Blaine Hi Unfortunately Sarah couldn't be here I have a crazy, crazy schedule in October And didn't think we were going to be able to play this week But then we were

And we need to get some done And she couldn't make this one And she's very sad She's out of state. There was no way it was going to happen. Sorry. Sorry, nerds. But sorry, guys.

She'll be back. Yeah, it's always me. And you're closing at Panera Bread and opening at Panera Bread for like two weeks. Straight in a row. He's got to keep all five franchises open. It's ridiculous. It's Pantera Bread when I'm there.

Are you mainly behind the grill, or are you the greeter? Where do you like to be? I've got to run the whole shop. You're the only thing? Yeah, yeah. What about when Diet Coke runs out? I'm running four different Pantera breads right now. He's like Captain Kirk, man.

He has to know how to fix every station on the ship. That's right. Except for Hertz. I like that sandwich with the fill-in Selmo lay on it. Nice. That's the best I could do. Short notice.'s right. I like that sandwich with the Phil Anselmo lay on it. Nice. That's the best I could do. Short notice. Alright. Can you hold the Anselmo, please?

We're on 35. And I would like to thank some Patreons. Yeah, please. Let's just do that, you guys. Thank you, Gary Not Changing His Name to Get on Nerd Poker Wood. I would have gone with Gary US. You did, really. I don't know his name to get on NerdPoker would. I would have gone with Gary US. You did, really. I don't know his name.

Or is that his real name? And then thank you, Glumby Dunn. Thank you, Glumby Dunn. Thanks, Glumby. Oh, Glumby. It's Glumby, damn it. Thank you, Gago's 17th child. R.I.P. Gago. Thank you, Gutter's 17th child. R.I.P. Gago.

Thank you, GutterSnipe420. I'm still sad about Gago. We really, you know, we bulldozed really hard past his death. Like, you guys were mid-combat. I think that's what we do. And we talked about it, but yeah. Like, we did that to our Elzid Falcon Crow in our bonus episodes. And we paid

the price when we invited Brendan to come back. When he came back. You know what that means then? What'd you do to my character? You don't have to feel bad about Gago

until Gago comes back in 30 episodes. I mean, there is a lot of time jumping going around in Gago's life. I mean, he's lived across

two different 1500 year time spans. It's interesting. Westworld. Oh, and I was just somewhere. Where was I? Oh, it was a crew guy on a thing I'm working on in Vancouver,

and he misses Casio. Oh. And I don't often have anybody, but he wanted me to really rethink my position on Casio. I am very pro-Casio, but I would like to chime in one more time about how the feedback was for Casio. When Casio was moody and just sort of tone-setting,

the positive feedback, 100%. Sure. When you were discordant and just banging a like tone setting, the positive feedback, 100%. Sure. When you were discordant and just like banging a bunch of keys, 100% negative. Well, it was great sometimes, and then other times it sounded like the Pelican Brief, where it was just like...

That Doug Benson bit about just banging on a keyboard. Hey, guys, what... Thank you for saying Pelican Brief. Well, that was a Doug Benson bit when there would be a piano on stage at a keyboard. Hey guys, what... Thank you for saying Pelican Brief. Well, that was a Doug Benson bit where, when there would be a piano on stage

at a club. But we saw it together and we both like hated that movie because of the sound, the score was insane because they're trying

to make tension and it was like bong, bing, bong, clang, clang. So the Benson bit would be like, hey everybody, what movie, what movie is this from? And he would just go clang, clang, clang, clang, clank, clank, clank. So the Benson bit would be like, hey, everybody, what movie is this from?

And he would just go, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank. Remember that scene in the Pelican Brief where they're in the parking garage running from those bad guys? Yep. And then clank, clank, clank, clank. All right. And finally, thank you. One more Patreon. We'll thank Jeff High Jeffinition Kamen. Thank you, Jeff High Jeffinition. All right. Hi, Jeffinition Cammon.

Thank you, Jeff. Hi, Jeffinition. All right, there you go. I like it. I could see that on a laces plate. That's good. Yeah, I mean, it would barely fit. Hi, Jeff.

Hi, Jeff. So a little plot recap. You guys are in a monster prison trying to break free Jen Radin, a cosmic being who she dabbled in being a god on your plane and it didn't go great, so she got imprisoned by three gods on the moon. And you guys traveled here to bust her out, basically, and figure out what to do with her after that.

There's been a little, you know... It's unclear exactly if she's evil or not. She definitely seems like a sort of god of mischief or a cosmic being of mischief. Mischief. But you guys have figured out she's not necessarily evil. That's been a recent revelation that, you know, when she was in Zarina, daughter of Lolth, she was evil.

But you figured out Lolth may have forced her to be evil. You know, like it might have been just a bad set of circumstances. Drow goddesses are usually forced to be evil because I mean, I'd say you guys know that's just the drow thing. Drows are all pretty evil. Now that you know she was sort of descended from a cosmic being.

Typha has a thought about this. And I would love for us to start there, but let me just make the action catch up a little bit. Oh yeah, I was going to do that later. Might as well do it. Let me do it right now. Sure, sure. Pumpkin Spacey, I think that's a seasonal name,

at underscore Sasey, S-A-I-C-E-E, did this awesome, amazing art of my Red Betty character from the bonus episode. Where was that? It'll be two weeks old. It was on Twitter. By the time you hear this, just scroll back a couple weeks on Twitter and look for Sacy's tweet of the art.

It's fucking ruled. Really great. And apparently, Sacy's... There's, over the years, that's been one of my favorite parts of doing this,

is people's, you know, fan art. And the fact that we've had pros like do fan art, you know, like clearly, this woman is a talented artist.

Super great. Might be a dude. It's a woman for the Avatar, but I scrolled around. I thought the name. Oh, okay. I don't know. I thought they were Avatar. Gender is a construct, so does it even really matter? Who gives a shit?

Right now, it's Pumpkin Stacy. It changes, man. I've seen tweeze cock on a van and a jean jacket. shit. Right now it's pumpkin Stacy. It changes, man. Whatever. But anyways, that person is very talented. I've seen Tweezcock on a van and a jean jacket. That's all I'm saying. Some great fan art on those vans and jean jackets. Thank you for reminding me. Yeah, great job.

Love it. Tweezcock. Yeah, and the action in the prison is you guys kind of came in through the tendril, which was underground a little bit, and you found like a sub-basement of one of the cell blocks, a cell block dedicated to the suicide cult of lunar elves. And the lunar elves, what the fuck?

Let me throw this in there. You guys figured out the lunar elves were sort of like descended from a combination of drow and moon elves that sort of over the centuries hid underground and worshipped in Zarina after she died. So that suicide cult had its own cell block that was sort of penetrated by the sky tendril. You came through it like an elevator.

You went through a little elf graveyard, busted above the ground, and you were just about to break into one of the main buildings in this prison. You guys all have maps. I don't know if you have them handy. I know Chris does, so I'll at least make you pass around,

those of you who remembered. And yeah, you kind of tried to head to that bottom right corner one on the main square. Now, a little up to left. I have the 210 through Pasadena. Is that the one? So everything you own is in that box to the left. Hashtag Beyonce.

No. So that bottom right on the main building is where you're trying to break in. Okay. And you could see those sort of orange barriers coming out of two sides. And a big old monster came around the corner. That's right. A thing called a Darth Eccle. And a big old monster came around the corner.

That's right. A thing called a Darth Eccle. It was just like 200-foot-tall chicken legs, Baba Yaga legs with a bird. Oh, and it regenerates and stuff, and it's made out of legs, and it's creepy like a thing. But you managed to take it down and decapitate it on the energy wall.

And right now, everyone's sort of catching their breath. You just fought this thing, and the mage that you're with, Bexis, she was trying to bust you guys. Should we pause one more second? Yeah, do you want to say hi, Rhodes? We didn't get to intro. I called you, but do you want to say hi?

Hi. You're coming in the room like you want to share your newest thing. No, no, no. My new name is Universal Monster Dude. Oh, is this a new segment with Universal Monster Dude? Yeah. Well, this is the new obsession, or this week's. Yes.

I have Creature of the Black Lagoon. He's showing everybody the reaction figures, these cool three and three quarter inch figures. I have Frankenstein, Creature from the Black Lagoon. It's. Creature from the Black Lagoon. It's Doctor Creature from the Black Lagoon's monster. Bride of Frankenstein. It's Doctor Bride of Frankenstein.

And the Wolfman. Doctor Wolfman. Blaine's just being silly. I'm sorry, Rose. It's like Uncle Chuck sometimes. Does Uncle Chuck interrupt him too? Yeah, he said you're like Uncle Chuck. Oh, man.

Now I feel bad. Nobody likes Uncle Chuck. Not even Brian. Uncle Chuck. I don't know what that means. Jokey. Worse than you? Dad jokes.

Well, that is true. If there's anything worse than dad jokes, it's uncle jokes. So yeah, you guys are sort of cool enough from battle. This mage, Bexus, who seems like a sort of upper level guard at the prison, helped you out after Tui kind of shivved her a little bit with some

newly worked out Jyn Radena power that you had from a drug trip. And yeah, what are you thinking about these elves? What do you think about these elves, Typha? I look at Bexus and as we're catching our breath, I feel like we're

kind of all in the same team and I say, hey, Bexis, what do you know about Jyn Radina? So, she says, well, I'll tell you what little I know. She's somewhere in this prison. We figured out from interrogating this cult that she's

in prison here somewhere, but we haven't really been able to narrow down much which of the prisoners she is. I'm not talking about her location. What's your familiarity with the legend, the lore? What do you know anything about Jyn Redna? What I know is

Jyn Redna came here as an exile from these elder beings far out in outer space. We're not sure how she got here or what her current form is, but we know she's exiled from these elder beings sort of far out in outer space. We're not sure how she got here or what her current form is, but we know she's exiled from these elder beings. They're more of a collective. She wanted to be sort of an individual.

And at some point, we imprisoned her just as mortals. And she was a big part of this prison, we think, at some point. But a lot of the prisoners here are from a long time ago. And we don't, you know, as the guards get a complete list of the prisoners, it's sort of like a need-to-know basis. And I'm not even sure, when I take you to the Archmage, if he's going to be able to know. Because some of these are just, like, knowing their names are too dangerous.

There's, so I'll tell you a little bit. So you don't even know who's here? She kind of just like goes, no. No. I can tell you the kinds of people who are here. We have beings here that we haven't killed

because they're sort of permanently on trial. They're god slayers. They're mortals who committed crimes against the gods so heinous that we are judging them in a sort of immortal loop. And so they're sort of regularly tortured. We'll snap them out of suspension, a magical suspension, torture them,

rejuvenate them so they'll live longer, and then put them back in magical suspension. And so they're sort of being permanently punished for slaying a god. So a small business, just like a small mom and pop shop. This prison? I mean, we're the mortals who are sort of in charge

of the day-to-day operations. The gods don't really check in with us. The archmage is the only one allowed to check in with the gods. I mean, there's necromancers here. There's extra planar horrors here. But nobody's really talking to whoever's in charge of this place. There's no warden, per se.

There is a warden. It's the archmage. But who's the president above the warden? The three gods. But who's the president above the warden? You know what I mean? The three gods. But it's a sort of, you know, hush-hush relationship the Archmage has with the three gods. We're not even sure the gods know who's where.

Things over time have gotten a little messy. I think this is an allegory for the Pentagon. Come on. Get your budget together, Pentagon That's our tax money Alright So she's like, yeah, you know I could tell you sort of where the different categories of prisoners are But I can't tell you who Jen Radin is as a prisoner Maybe we need to have another conversation when it's in private but I can't tell you who Jen Radin is as a prisoner.

Maybe we need to have another conversation when it's in private. Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to throw up a tiny hut over us. You can't. I can't? You haven't had a long rest since the last time you cast it, which in game time happened about 20 minutes ago. If I can get 10 minutes to myself, I can learn it. And I can throw that up.

Well, I will say, what this mage, Bexus, is offering to do is take you to the Archmage's keep. Yeah. Where we can put you up for a couple of nights or whatever and then you can go back exploring. It would be nice to get our strength back up because we're all

completely messed up. Also getting inside would be great too. And she points and she's like, we're like a five minute jog away from the Archmage's keep. We were almost there when this thing rounded the corner. I suggest we go there,

meet with the Archmage and then you guys can sort of bunk up. Okay. All right. Can we consider you sort of our contact, our ambassador here? She says, sure, you did attack me, and we need to talk about that sword you've got there.

I agree. I would be more careful about showing that off. Let me say. We have some sort of prison politics here with the three guards, and that's one of the gods that, let's just say we don't talk about Umberlee and Lolth right now.

That's an interesting point you bring up. It's a very Bahamut kind of vibe we've got here at the prison these days. It's interesting. We suspect that the prison break had maybe something to do with Jyn Redna, but maybe something to do with Umberlee or Lolth. We're kind of suspicious of the two evil gods

that have a hand in this prison. Yeah, at this prison where you don't have any direct contact, two of the three gods who started it are for sure evil beings. That's interesting. Supposedly, the Archmage has been talking to the three gods and kind of working out, and all three of them deny having anything to do

with the prison break, but we have to take the Archmage's word for it. Sure. That works out. So far, she kind of looks side to side and goes, you're right. No, it hasn't worked out. Why don't you

take us inside and you can tell us about the archmage? She says, okay. May I give you some advice before we go inside? Don't say Umberle or Lolth out loud. Or Macbeth. Don't say Umberlee or Lolth out loud. Or Macbeth. Don't say

the name of that Shakespeare actor in the theater, and don't say the name of the evil gods in the Archmage's Keep, or really around the prison unless you figured out who you're talking to. You can talk to me about it. We're okay now. I see where you're coming from.

We're cool. But tension's high. There's monsters now. I see where you're coming from. We're cool. But tension's high. There's monsters everywhere. People are blaming Loth. People are blaming Umberlee. And people are blaming Jyn Radina. You just said all three. Yeah, because you guys seem cool. See all those soldiers who are in my squadron who kind of broke off and it's

just me and you right now? That's because they couldn't afford to help escort you to the Archmage's Keep. There's so much of a prison riot happening right now with monsters and necromancers everywhere that they had to go help contain stuff. So by saying it, people will just be suspicious. I was suspicious.

And I'm still a little freaked out by the fact that you have the Sword of Umberlee and that you cast dark magic against me me I don't know what that thing was when you pointed your finger at me and black veins shot out of your finger and stabbed me like a bunch of little wires but I'm a little concerned about that as we're are we on the move while we're doing this uh sure I want to kind of drop back and ask Esmeralda a question. I think you'll be able to help. Sure. And as you guys are walking, I mean, again, you're going to get there in just a minute.

You guys see, like, in the distance, some of the squadrons are kind of just walking around the surface of the moon, like, patrolling. Others seem to be actively engaged in prisoners. You see, like, what looks like a cloud giant that might be naked, but it's, like, the size of a building, and it's sort of, like like sitting in a Buddha kind of meditation pose and

floating off the ground. And it appears to be casting spells against a squadron of guards and mages. So we're on burning moon. Yes. But I mean, there's just monsters in the distance and, and you feel like any of them champagne on ice.

If any of them decided you were a high-profile target, they would break off from whatever little skirmishes they're in and just run for you. They all want to get off the moon, and they want to get out of this prison. And you even see, as you get close to the Archmage's Keep, there's a whole squadron of dudes getting chased by this weird sort of pudding-looking thing

that just has a bunch of ey eye stalks growing off of it. And there's a couple of, a couple of mages like casting what looks like a containment spells against it. You just sort of see what look like a, should we go and see what that thing is? You see like, sounds delicious.

You see these little shimmering diamonds of a containment spells being reflected off this pudding as it chases the guards and like a bunch of the guards get far enough away, but one of them gets pinned down by a tentacle and it's going like, no, I'll get it! It just gets ripped in half. I pull out a bunch of wooden... Is it jello pudding? Yeah, I have a bunch of wooden spoons in my pack. We can just wait till this

is over. It looks more just sort of like shimmering soapy water with a bunch of eye stalks coming off of it. Now it's got some fresh guard arms and legs floating. You got me a dack bite of meat if you don't get a dack bite of pudding. What would you like to say to Esmeralda as you watch the mages finally contain this

eyestalk pudding? I have a question. Which is like a couple hundred yards away. She gifted me this sword. How did you come by this sword of Umberla? We got that out of a mage sort of like one of the teachers in

Tin Ad at the College of Roke sort of had this. Was that before or after we got the cloak? It was before. It was before we met you, actually, right before we met you. That's weird. Because it's weird that we would have this sort of umberlee. Yeah, I mean, I almost feel like some of the people

at my mage college knew some of what was up. Uh-oh. It's Universal Monster, dude, coming in for another segment. Oh, you know what? I just see some floating glasses and a handkerchief. That's all I really see. There's a Spider-Man glove for a second, but now it's kind of hiding behind a t-shirt.

I can't really see what's going on. That is my favorite. It just looks like someone who's a big fan of a movie with some face coverings. It's the best. It's definitely the Invisible Man. Being invisible is the best!'s definitely the invisible man being invisible is the

best if you if you've never seen it if you've never seen it one of the funniest things ever ever made is is the invisible man in Amazon women on the moon with Ed Begley jr. is probably one of the funniest one of the funniest things ever made so if you've ever seen Amazon women on the Moon with Ed Begley Jr. It's probably one of the funniest things ever made. So if you've ever seen Amazon Women on the Moon, it's fantastic. It's on YouTube. We can get just that piece. Yeah, just Ed Begley Jr. Invisible Man.

So type a... I haven't seen your shirt. Make a phone call. You and Esmeralda do figure out like, okay, so it does feel like there's a bit of history building up to all these events. It's just interesting. It does feel like maybe some people were holding on to Umberlee artifacts as if they were researching something.

Oh, God. This is great. So, yeah, that sort of concludes Bexus's advice where she's telling you, like, just be careful around the Archmage. Be respectful around the Archmage. And you guys approach what looks sort of like a white sandstone building. I tell everybody, keep your eyes out for a regular sword in case I have to ditch this one at some point. So it's very featureless.

There's like a couple of kind of like towers, but they're really flat. The whole thing is low. And from your experience in one of the cell blocks and a lot of it being sub-basements, you feel like some of this building might go underground as opposed to being a tower. You're not entirely sure, but it's near. So it's this building. You're headed to this building, which is sort of like a little bit west. And you're walking past this, which looks like a giant silo, which is a very tall tower-like building.

Can we ask Bexus what that is? Yeah, that's where the golems are based. If you notice, there's a couple of golems trying to cut down that tendril in the sky. You put them in a tower? Well, that's where we have to keep their parts. We have to keep them high off the ground because they function when they're not buried underneath the moon's surface

best. Once they go underground, they don't work as well. It's just because this is sort of a... The moon is not... How do I put this? It's not blessed the way your planet is. So magic has a hard time working underground here. It's part of why there's a prison on the moon.

Yeah, do we need to do anything magic-wise while we're up here? Yeah, go too far underground and magic might have a hard time working. But just too far. You can go about, let's say, 100 feet underground and everything's fine. If you go much farther, it's almost as if you're in a godless place where no magic works sounds great almost she's like some magical work but we've we've we've we're we're kind of you know heathen magic yeah some magic eldritch magic works pretty well uh but let's just say

elemental magic especially as a what about magic items it depends if it's elemental it'll have a hard time okay can we take a break yeah and we're back. Hi. Hi. So you were just asking about what magic might not work where after you'd heard a little bit about that. Okay. How about like amazing Jonathan type magic? Oh, that works every time, especially in Vegas, baby. She suddenly breaks into that weird Vince Vaughn routine. I don't know that we do.

I'm asking the group now. do we care about the moon stuff? I feel like we got everything we need out of her. Does anybody else want to? Well, she's kind of. Light her up? You don't have to keep talking to her. No, no, I know. But I'm just thinking this might be our only chance to find out anything else.

I was really into that idea of powering up or getting all our strength back. Yeah. And then. Let's do that. Yeah. Fighting something. So here's strength back. Yeah. And then... Let's do that. And then fighting something. So here's the building. This is the Archmage's Keep. It's really just featureless.

Cool. It almost looks like a temple. And it's sort of white, dusty stone. This is like a Chi-Chi's. A shrine or... She takes a... I mean, you can look at it all you like. But she takes her little brass bell out of her robe again.

Ken, you're looking at the shit out of that thing. Ken really looked at it. You can. Oh, man. What's up, John Candy? Smell-O-Vision. And she rings her little brass bell twice. And after a moment, the two stone doors open from the inside,

and there's the Archmage, there to greet you in person. No retinue of guards, nothing. And he introduces himself. He says, hello, thank you so much for, I understand, agreeing to help us? I've been sent word, and sounds wonderful. Sounds fantastic. I'd like to give you the full hospitality of Say Luna Prison. Thank you for coming here

to help us. What's it called? Say Luna Prison. Say Luna. Luna. Luna. No, no. It's Say Luna. Say Luna is the name of the prison. Luna. No, no, no. Say Luna. Luna. It's Simon Say Luna. It's Say Luna is the name of the prison. Oh. Luna. No, no, no, no, no.

Say Luna. Luna. It's Simon Say Luna. I don't think you understand. The name of the prison is Say Luna Prison. Luna Prison. Luna Prison. I feel like you're not understanding what I'm saying, he says. And he waves you in, and you can keep this going as long as you like,

except for me and three listeners are tuning out right now. And you walk keep this going as long as you like except for me and three listeners are tuning out right now um and you walk down this hallway uh there's these these ornate marble floors that are sort of green and all of a sudden some color is coming back you know there is this weird pink moss on the gravel outside but because of the white building you wondered like do they give a shit about architecture turns out in the archmages keep a little bit. There's a lot of just marble walls, marble floor. It looks very fanciful. And he says, okay, so what I'd like to do, just one floor down, we've got sort of a, I don't want to call it a dormitory because it's really just where mage students go, but we've got plenty of bunks for all of you.

But if you could first step into my office, I'd like to sort of work out how you're going to help us. Like an hourly rate sort of a deal? He laughs and he says, we don't really have much need for currency up here in this prison. It's all Bitcoin. I'm going to do my best to make it worth your while. And that's about that.

If money's all that you want then that's what you'll receive so um you get walked in there and uh is there do we get a feeling that there's like a uh you know how when you walk into a room and you know there's a an old-timey tv on there's like a weird sort of electronic thing going on or there's a Prius coming at you. Is there that kind of a feeling magically in this room? You're going to have to define it a little bit more. I don't have detect magic, but I would think that I would have little hairs on my arm that would go up if it was around.

Yeah, detect obvious magic. I have to use your mixed CD as a bookmark on my map book. Do an insight check. Or you know what? You're doing Arcana. Do an Arcana check. Just him? Just him. While he's doing that, I feel like I would perceive... I'm scouting the room for... Yeah, you're unfortunately

going to roll disadvantage on insight checks because you're still dizzy from coming out to the moon. Can he snap his fingers and do something to me? What'd you get? 18. You do go ahead and do your insight roll. You guys can all do an insight roll. But if you wanted to detect magic without detect magic, it's

arcana. Oh, interesting. I got an 11 on perception. Alright, what'd you guys get? Insight? Not all a lot. But Bodhi's not dead. Am I rolling an insight as well? No, only insight. Oh, okay.

And you're rolling a disadvantage on the insight. Oh, I thought it was a perception. I misunderstood. Okay, then I didn't do well. What is it? I got an eight. An eight? Okay.

So you guys don't really notice anything other than it's a big room. It's got some orbs in the corners. It's got four corners. There's four corners. There's a lot of chairs, a lot of books, some couches. You feel like students must come in here to study a fair bit. Yeah, study rooms. And the Archmage, again,

welcomes you and says his name is Archmage Dirth. And as he says Archmage Dirth, Twee, you kind of do a quick scan of the room. You notice a lot of magic stuff in here. You don't know what's the most magic, but you get the vibe that the big orbs in the corner are all pretty powerful items

that are kind of not hidden, but kind of like half behind some bookshelves where they're clearly visible, but it looks like not everyone's supposed to go directly up to the orb. And you notice there's a little sort of like big bows speakers. Yeah. Yeah. And there's like little kneeling cushions by each of them.

You notice. Okay. Interesting. All right. Do they feel like they're connected? Like there's some sort of security thing, like a camera or a fence? That part you're not sure.

But why don't you go ahead and join everyone else in an insight check and we'll just see if you get high enough to really learn anything extra. With your bonus, please. An insight. Is the Archmage still in the room? Yeah, you're all in the room. He's not leaving you alone in his office. He walked you in here.

It's a 12. What do we ask for? The orbs? He says, it's something I attune myself with to make sure I can communicate with the gods. Oh, cool. When's the last time you talked to them? Every day.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm. Is it like a Mork calling Orson thing? I'm sorry, what? A Mork calling? I'm sorry. Who is this Mork? Is he a bard like yourself? You, what? A Mork calling... I'm sorry. Who is this Mork? Is he a bard like yourself?

You know what? I saw him at the boarding house in like 76, but I never really saw him cast any spells after that. And he says, okay, so I'm... And he sort of like walks to one corner of the room. You kind of go the far right corner of the room. There's a bunch of chairs. He asks you all to have a seat.

He kind of leans up against a little podium and he says, so here's the deal. We don't get any visitors here. I communicate with most of the mages here telepathically. That's how I knew we had visitors. I was sent warning telepathically. That's how I knew we had visitors. I was sent warning telepathically. From Bexus? Yes. We like her. She's good.

She is good, and she's good enough to catch you sneaking around and breaking into a door that you shouldn't have. I understand you've killed one of my guards. We had one of your guards with us. A super helpful chap who should definitely stay in the basement. Yeah, we're kind of talking him down right now. We had one of your guards with us, a super helpful chap, who should definitely stay in the basement. Yeah, we're kind of talking him down right now.

He's never peed himself on duty before. He's never been shrunken and put in a barbarian's pocket before. He did that. He did that. It's a little awkward for him. Yeah, well. Did I shrink him? And some of the other guards.

Oh, man. Sorry. It was a crazy weekend. Some of the other guards are a little upset about you decapitating one of them. Look, they came at us. They may have because you were breaking into my prison. That's right.

We offered them a sandwich. He's like, you're clearly powerful and I can clearly use your help. We're in the middle of a crisis here. All I ask is you allow me to bless all of you on behalf of one of the three gods here. The blessing has many benefits and it's something that everyone

here has been through. So there's no need for concern. Yeah, when people say no need for concern, I get a little concerned. It's always a choice.

Has anyone ever said no? We don't have any visitors, so it's never really been an issue. Has anyone here ever said no to the blessing? Well, they wouldn't be allowed to come here if they were going to say no to the blessing. Coming here is a privilege.

But it's also a choice to get blessed. So three priests come in the room. Here we go. I've heard this one. They're all wearing ornate robes, and he introduces them as a priest of Umberlee, a priest of Loth, and a priest of Bahamut. We were told we couldn't say those words. Say what words? Names of the gods? You can say the names of the gods.

I'm inviting you to say the names of the gods around me. Manny Mojack. Whatever Bexus told you was a matter of manners, and I'm telling you, I don't mind. I didn't say her name. Bexus? You can say... Bexus is the name of the mage you brought here. I'm not saying... I am not saying Bexus is the one who told us not to say it. It was the other guy.

I know you were talking with Bexus. You can tell me it was Bexus. It's fine. We love her. She's great. All I ask is you to choose if you would like a blessing of Umberlee, of Loth, or of Bahamut. And this just helps our agreement that you won't cause any more undue

violence to our staff. It blesses you from one of these three guides. I mean, I'll be honest, you all seem like you're good heroes. And then he kind of winks at Thuy and says, so I expect most of you are going to choose a blessing from Bahamut, if not all of you. No harm will come to you from these. But these blessings merely give you additional protection

and help us not be in danger from you. Can we meet somebody who's taken a blessing from not Bahamut? Is there anybody who's done that? He laughs and he says, all of my staff are busy dealing with the prison break right now. There's rioting monsters everywhere. I can't do a complete

inventory of who worships who and bring them in here. Alright. I'm going to talk to Cord and ask him if it's okay. Do a religion check. I feel like I'm cheating on Cord. I don't want to do that. Hey man, eating on Cord

ain't cheating on Cord. Jesus Christ. Good God. 15. Does Tweet have that on his T-shirt? He does now. He says, what's up, brother? Hey.

You hear that beautiful gravelly voice in the back of your head. Snap into a Slim Jim. Wrong wrestler. I mean Are you supposed to be doing Hulk? I'm trying to do Hulk Because it seemed like you were doing Macho Man Let's just say I was doing Macho Man

Okay They both say brother Oh yeah Now I'm doing it Now you're doing the Kool-Aid guy No, that's definitely macho. What's up, brother? All right.

Oh, yeah. We're trying to get through this thing, this situation. I see it. They want us to not pray to this God. Do they want us to pray to him? Receive a blessing. Receive a blessing from another god. And I wanted to first ask you

if that was okay for me to Well, don't take one of the evil gods, man. Blessing from Bahamut. I guess it's alright. You're talking about these guys here? Yeah. Alright, they're warlocks, though. They ain't priests. Oh, okay. Okay.

So, would you say probably We shouldn't? I mean, I don't know what they're gonna do to ya Baby Warlock Well Baby Warlock I always trust Kord, he's always Alright, I got some Slim Jims I'm going to go chew on.

Yeah, yeah. I'll see you, bro. All right, brother. Hmm. Well, I didn't think it was going to go this fast. Holy smokes. So...

I love the glasses with the Venetian blinds on them. Archmage Dirtz watches you just sort of quietly nodding your head and he figures out what's going on and he says,

nothing bad will come to you. Right. Well, my god seems to think that there's some bad magic in here. He starts to focus on you. Do a wisdom saving throw.

Okay. 20. So for a second your vision kind of blurs. But then when your eyes straighten out, you could just tell that he is staring deep in your eyes and he says, nothing will come of this. And he says, warlocks, priests, they're all the same.

This is a spell of protection. That's all you need to know. It's getting a little Cosby in here. Yeah, you know what? I'm not going to drink from this. Esmeralda looks at you and says, yeah, what the fuck is going on? We're not doing this.

If that's what your God said, then we're not taking these blessings. No. Does he share that with us so we all know? I mean, that's where you were just talking to, right? Kord? Yes. Yeah, we can't take blessings from...

Did he just say warlocks? He said they were warlocks. That sounds like hexes. I don't think we should do that. I'm going to pass. Yeah, I'm going to pass too I'm gonna pass too but we'll still uh we'll still help still want to get in there and we would love to help never I can never remember the name of the it's not censor ena now but it's generated

right and I yeah yeah we still want to work on your gin raiden problem oh yeah and we should maybe let him know that Jack is climbing up the beanstalk right now. Oh yeah, Esmeralda jumps in and says, yeah, so it's a little complicated, but we have good intel that there is a black chromatic

dragon named Storndorf flying towards the moon. We're not sure how well it's going to go. He could die in outer space. I don't really know how dragons work in outer space. How often can she check in with him? At will for a while. Does she want to take a look and see how he's doing?

She kind of sees what you're hinting at and she kind of goes like, maybe not. You get a sense that she's sending you like, maybe not in front of this guy. Let's not. And sure enough, the Arch a sense that she's sending you like, I'm maybe not in front of this guy. Let's not. Uh, and,

sure enough, the archmage is getting a sense of the tension in here. And he says, okay. Whoa. So are you telling me none of you are going to take a blessing from a priest of Bahama? We would love to take your hospitality. We'd love to rest.

So that way we can be at full strength to fight off the many creatures you have released from your hospitality. We'd love to rest, so that way we can be at full strength to fight off the many creatures you have released from your prison. He says, I understand. I'll give you lodging for a night, and you can do your best, and I wish you luck. Luckily, we mostly

have everything under control, so Bexus will show you to your room. And you sense he's getting real icy. And he waves the priests out of the room. Bexus comes back in. Priests. And Bexus is kind of like looking down now. And she's like, yes, why don't you come with me to the basement

and I'll show you to your dorm room. We have to set up some 1099s. How far down are these? So you walk down another marble hallway, just one floor down this stairwell. Bex just shows you

to a room. It's got eight bunks in it. They're just mad that we wouldn't drink their flavor aid. I'm glad that you called it flavor aid not Kool-Aid, Brian,

because that's actually what they drank at the Jim Jones suicide. People mistook it for Kool-Aid. It became a shorthand, much like the way people call tissues Kleenex. I'm well aware of it. Derek Sheen has a whole joke about it. Bex's kind of says,

I understand things did not go well with the Archmage. Why? I thought they were great! Yeah. We walked out there and did not get brainwashed, so I think we did great. I thought he liked us! That's weird! He didn't like us. Tell us!

I've been cued through the ether to offer you a night's stay, but I don't know what will happen beyond one night. I think you guys are on a bit of a time crunch from higher up, if that makes sense. So you're safe here, but if there's anything you'd like to ask before you rest,

I don't know that I will be able to help you in the morning as I will be on patrol. Well, we'd love to see you in the morning. You're not going to be with us when we... I don't believe so. I believe there will be another mage here to escort you out. Who's that? I don't know yet. Anybody else there will be another mage here to escort you out. Who's that? I don't know yet.

Is there anybody else that you could provide us with a name that you would say will provide us with the same quality service as yourself? Do a persuasion check. 14. 14. She kind of looks back and forth and says, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Hmm. Is there anything else I can help you with before we part ways? Is there anything else we need to ask her? She says, oh, I have a lot of questions. I figured. She's like, okay, I get a feeling that you guys aren't going to help us as much as you would have if you let those priests put their creepy-ass hands on us or whatever. What did they want to do to us, Bexis?

As far as I know, they were going to bless you. I've been through this ritual. We all go through it when we're 18. Just the once? Yeah. It's not like a re-upping or anything? No, just the once. Have you ever left the moon since you've been blessed?

No. Has anybody ever left here? No. I'm still going to pass, and I don't appreciate the attitude. She says, I understand, and trust me, it's not my attitude that you're getting right now. Ooh! And she says it in a way that,

even though your dungeon master might be conveying a little attitude there, she's trying to kind of like hint upstairs, like I'm kind of being watched right now, kind of a vibe you get. Let's all look up at the camera and then spray it with some deodorant. Esmeralda asks, so if we're

getting like no help from you, basically, like you seem pretty useless to us right now except for a warm bed. Like, like if there's if there's any where the big no-nos what should we absolutely not do and he said um you know that door you were about to go in uh she says don't go in that door that of the four so that's there those four connected buildings, those orange waves, those are some of the more dangerous parts of the prison. The one you were about to go in is strictly for planar fail-safes. These are relatively innocuous beings who, if destroyed,

could alter the fabric of reality. What's this? That's thud. Right. Thud is a meteor that we are not sure whether it's sentient or not, or if it contains something. But we built the prison nearby

in an effort to help contain it and stop it from doing anything untoward. And that was here before the prison? It was here before the prison. But we know it contains magical and likely sentient qualities. And that was here before the prison. It was here before the prison. But we know it contains magical and likely sentient qualities. And that's the only way into Thud? That building, yes.

And you're pointing at the little drow orb that Twee's got. I presume Twee has presented. Yes. And we want to make sure because you would be basically confiding that you have this drow orb to this mage. Yeah, I don't have a problem with that. All right.

So yeah, she confirms. That little building is really the only way inside the meteor. Otherwise, it's got a series of protections over it. You'll see little floating orbs around it. Okay. And you don't know where Jen Raiden is? She says no.

And who would? The Archmage? Perhaps the Archmage. How do we know she's not in the building that you just told us not to go into? She might be, but I don't think so. If you want my honest opinion,

if you want my honest opinion, there's a lot going on here, and the two places we've kind of narrowed down she's not in is that building and the warscape cube. We don't believe she is there or the warscape cube.

But she could be almost anywhere else in this prison. And we're here. Yes. What's that travel time? To the meteor? I mean, it's a couple hours. Okay. It's a big prison, but it's not so big that you can't, you know,

in a couple hours get across it. Thank you so much, Bexas. You've been awesome. Thank you. Give it up for Bexas, everybody. Bexas sounds very, very good. She kind of gets weirded out but bows anyway just because there's... A bunch of employees come out and sing happy birthday is there anything else then where's our our little rooms you're in

it where she says okay clearly it's been I've been talking too long and all the stoners are forgetting where they are so I'm just gonna NPC my way out of this room wait we're on the moon? It's fucked up, man. Wait, who's on the moon? All right, so you guys are... Who on the moon? That'd be awesome. You guys are in a small room, but it's got eight bunks,

and it's got enough room for you to relax, have a little bit of privacy. The bunks are all duos. They're all bunk beds. I think we should still stand watch. At least that one person. I'm just going to start

relearning and then just relearning. Is there somebody who can... And healing as I can. Yeah, lend me extra healing because I could really use it. I can make you a delicious

healing treat. Yeah, roll for treat. Healing treat? Yeah, so... Are we doing Hell's Forager? No, you've got some... Hell's Forager, I don't think you can use another time today, but you've got...

The ability to... You've got the sustainable mobile kitchen skill. So you've got stuff built up. Food truck. Guys, I'm going to make you Korean tacos. It's amazing. Holy shit. So what you want is a rejuvenating meal,

but you can only do it once per day after a long rest. So we can say at the end of this rest, you do this rejuvenating meal on top of what they've... Do you want to wait until we do the rest first? Or just do it? Well, how long are we resting? Who's going to watch? Yeah, we've got to do watch first and then we'll do the rejuvenating meal.

Do you want to do watch first because you want to learn spells and stuff? Will that work? Can he stand watch? I have to concentrate. I'll take first watch. He's got to learn spell while someone else does watch then he can actually rest. That'll give me a chance to put together whatever I need to concentrate. I'll take first watch. He's got to learn spell while someone else does watch, then he can actually rest. That'll give me a chance to put together whatever I need to do

to make the healing stew. All right, do a perception check with disadvantage. Well, the next perception check with disadvantage. A nine. How long is your watch watch gonna be you're resting for what until right before somebody shows up eight hours it's eight hours totally gonna rest so so I at least two hours are you gonna do okay we're gonna go four of us on watch because he after about an hour and a

half you you hear out in the hallway past this wooden door just this kind of get closer and then far away again so the room I kick let his bed and wake her up something out there it's as as housekeeping as she wakes up you just sort of hear it getting quieter as it's going farther down the hallway. I'll peek out the door. Do a stealth check. Sorry to make you do a stealth check while you're in the middle of eating delicious spicy Skittles. Hey, just did a song of rest while everybody's sleeping, so

eight. Great, everybody's up eight. Twenty-nine. So you effortlessly pop the door open, do a perception check. Why don't you just roll those skittles You can't stop eating Seven All you see as you Pop the door open is a

Mage floating and turning down the hallway With its back to you Can I peek out and perceive? Creepy Do your own stealth check though Oh shit You're peaking oh 18 you got an 18 on your self check yeah oh then you're fine do a perception do a perception i did and i did the double all right and you haven't rested yet so yeah you gotta take the lower number

16 is your lower number no i well i have a have a bonus. I rolled a nine plus my seven. Oh, hot damn. 16. Yeah, you notice the same thing except that it's a different mage than Bexus floating down the hallway. Okay. Sorry to wake you up. I think we're okay.

While you're out there, can you get some ice? I'm going to run down to the pool real quick. Everybody's got to do that in their socks at some point when they're in a hotel. All right, so you pop the door closed. You're going to try and go back to sleep. You're going to switch your watch. How far in were we?

An hour and a half. Nothing happens for the last half hour. Once you go to sleep, you can take last watch. Who's up next? Do you want to take a turn while you're up? He can't do it because he's concentrating.

I can take last watch because I'll have everything lowered by then. What amount of hit points do I get just for sleeping eight hours? Hey, I haven't done this in forever. Can I get a commercial? Yeah. Blaine? Oh. Palladino's, the Valley's number one tribute band.

Oh, you know what I saw the other day was the Go-Go Dolls. It's a tribute to the Goo-Goo Dolls, but it's all women, and both of them suck. I'm kidding. Go-Go's are great. Right, but the Goo-Goo Dolls, not as much. I'm kidding. Go-Go's are great. Right, but the Goo Goo Dolls. Not as much. You can use hit dice

with your constitution after a short rest, or if you rest the whole eight hours, you get all your health back. If you don't take a watch, you get eight whole hours. You gotta not take a watch if you want all your health back. Yeah, I'd love that. You guys just want to let Bodhi conk out?

Let your tank get his... What, as Esmeralda go? That'd be great. All right. So Esmeralda will take watch? Or do you want to... You're up. Yeah, I guess...

He woke you up near the end of his watch. I guess I decided you're next. All right. Do a perception roll. 15. Twice during your watch, you hear the same humming. Do you investigate either time?

No. All right. That's all that happens. So you're going to wake up Esmeralda, let her take a shift, and then Tui will be last? Oh, Esme. She says, go to sleep, you fuck.

I just decided to turn her into Ender Dice Clay or something She doesn't notice anything Twee, you've gotten some rest She pokes you and says Bad days But Twee, it's your turn to do what? Dickery dickery doc

It's time to take your watch Whoa It's clock related Alright, so you got last watch Why don't you do a perception roll, please to take your watch. Whoa! It's clock related. Yeah. Good joke. Alright, so you got last watch. Why don't you do a perception roll, please? Perception roll. The wind. So that would be an

18. Great. So about... I hear the vacuum go past again. Yeah, about like 20 minutes before you're ready to wake everybody up, you hear some loud clumping down the hallway. Oh, it's a clumper. It's Werner.

Clumping, like coming towards us? Clumping going away? Coming towards you. Hmm. Does it sound like it's armor clumping? Does it sound like there's metal involved?? Does it sound like there's metal involved? Nope. Sounds like organic clumping.

It's clumping. Yeah, it could be sweet-emsy. Hey, I'm going to wake up... Hey, Bodhi? Hey, Bodhi? Hey. Hey, you know what? Lasagna.

Oh, man. Hey, you were... You were. Lasagna. Oh, man. Hey, you were out all night. How are you feeling? I'm all right. Oh, man. Hey, you got a little bedhead. It's really funny.

Hey, I hate to wake you up. That's some extreme dreams. Like what? What were you dreaming about? Mountain dew and snowboarding. Oh, man. That sounds like about? Mountain dew and snowboarding. Oh, man. That sounds like great. Mountain dew and snowboarding.

Would you be like snowboarding down a mountain of dew? Yes. It was super extreme. Oh, man. I love to be in your dreams. They sound pretty high octane. Hey, we're about to get killed. Could you get out of bed, please?

What? Yeah, there's something coming at us. Okay. Did I get enough sleep? Yeah, you're full hit points. Oh, cool. And you hear, just you two for now, coming closer to the door. I told you

about the thing. How big does it sound? What do I think? Do a perception check. All right. And after you do it, it'll be closer. I'll do it quick. I wish you'd hurry.

Perception check. 11. It don't sound giant, and it don't sound gago-sized. Okay, so it's sort of in the middle. Mm-hmm. All right. And we think it's coming to the door, or we just, we don't know.

It's coming towards the door down the hallway. You can figure that much out. Things walked by earlier, so. Do we have a, like a peephole in this room? Is this like a hotel room, or is it no peephole? It's a flat wooden door with planks. Yeah, we had to peek out before. Can I see under?

I'm going to tuck against the wall and sort of stealthily against my back to the wall waiting for the door. And Tweed, what are you doing while he's doing this? I'm going to kind of get back from the door but look down and see if I can see

anything coming up the hallway, information-wise. We're still asleep. If you guys want help you need them they are so you can you can use basically the time it takes to get from wherever it is to the door peeking under the door or waking them up you know what I'm gonna uh wake these guys up how's that great So you guys get woken up as Meralda wakes up. Guys, guys, guys. Guys, it's Christmas. I'm kidding.

We're going to get killed. Hurry up. And just as the three of them wake up, the thumping goes, and you just see there's a shadow stopped right outside the door. All right. I'm right next outside the door. All right. I'm right next to the door.

Uh-huh. I'm going to climb up. Is my perception better? I'm waiting for it to open. Is my perception better now that I'm awake? You wait. Shit. Ten seconds goes by, and it's just silent,

and you just see there's the shadow of a thing right outside the door. What's out there? Who is it? Yeah, but it's not necessarily bad. No. But. Can I tell everybody to stand on either side of the door? And I'll put on my invisible cloak and climb on the ceiling.

Ooh. All right. You can do that. And then I'll tell one of you to just swing the door open. All right. When he cues me to do it, I swing the door open. Okay. Cue him to do it.

Do we need to? A lot of cues going on. Wait, wait. You can't really see it. Can you get that again for the microphone? He's making motions for me to swing the door open. And you're going to do it violently on purpose. You're going to try to get it open as quick as you can so everyone can see.

No, I'm going to surprise them. You're all flat against the wall, so none of you are looking out the door. I'm the eyes. You're the only one who sees? I think so. All right. I'm just eyes. You're the only one who sees? I think so. I'm just trying to have it see an empty room, basically. All right. Everybody else leave the room.

Oh! Why? Because he's the only one who can see what happens when you whip the door open. And we have one minute left, so we're going to end on a surprise. We haven't done this for a while. Look, not only have we not done it for a while, but we're getting close to Halloween, so I want to do something spooky at the end of the episode.

Who gives a shit? Besides, we've got to take a break anyway. It's fine. The look Brian gave me when I told him to get out was just like, who the fuck are you? This is my house. All right. Close your eyes and imagine this.

You see Bodhi grab the metal ring on the wooden door and whip the door open. And standing there is what looks like a small human child. And it's got its back to you. But as the door hits the brick wall, But as the door hits the brick wall, its head, without the body, turns 180 degrees very slowly towards you.

And it says, It's you. To the empty space in front of it. Weird. And that'll do it for tonight's episode. Pre-order comes out October 23rd, and I will be doing a ton of publicity on a bunch of podcasts, so I'll let you know when those are all airing.

Oh, there was one other thing. I said earlier that a guy wanted us to bring the Casio back, but I got the story wrong. He was actually in Seattle, not Vancouver. And he hated the Casio and never wants it back ever. But I got money from two listeners, and I forgot to shout out to them. So Josh gave us a 20 and, uh, wrote on that. Uh, I usually only give people $20 on this road when it's for drugs,

Josh. Thank you, Josh. And then, uh, Ben Ramage, um, he's pronounced,

uh, like damage, but with a R with a Ramage, Ben, Ben Ramage, uh, said, uh Ben ramage said BP AF I'm saying and friends this is Brian Poussin is fuck nerd poker bring back Casio heart Ben ramage and then he also was moved by what I what, when I was talking about my friend. And so said, hashtag, I'm listening for Jill Janis.

So I'm going to, there's a couple of charities that she's behind. There was the one way, the Suicide Org, or what was it? I don't remember. I wish I had prepped her. I wouldn't have. Right. But there's actually an animal charity that her boyfriend is telling us to direct money towards. So I'll give more information.

We'll make sure it's visible on our social media. Yeah. But hashtag I'm listening. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Josh. Thanks, everybody, for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.