Nerd Poker - Episode 36 - Ice Five Adjacent

Episode Date: September 24, 2019

Their giant trap was an unequivocal success, but now the Ice Five must assess which of their allies are the most valuable in their quest against the Tenebrous One. Some need to find their own way, others need to be reunited with the crew. And oh yeah, where the hell is Time Boat anyway?

Hey everybody, it's time for our September Patreon drawing where we're gonna send somebody some sweet-ass swag in the mail. Uh, this month's winner for September is Primrose Fantasia! Thank you, Primrose Fantasia, for supporting us on Patreon. Uh, now on to some more nerd poker! Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife,

kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Clay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 3. What's up, guys? You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 3. What's up, guys?

You're listening to Brian Post saying it's Nerd Poker. This is episode 36 of season 3. Yeah. And guys need to buy Batman Forever and Batman and Robin Kenner figures. They are the best. I know the movies aren't that great, but the figures are the best. Thanks, buddy.

Michael Caine is still the best Batman. Yeah. Not a lot of people know this, but Joel. A lot of opinions in this house. Joel Schumacher means Joel the Shoemaker. 20,000. 20,000. Hi, everybody. I'm Brian Pesan.

It's episode 36. My friends are here. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hi. Ken. Whatever.

Dan. Hey. Blaine. Hi. And at the end of the table, as always, Sam. Hi, guys. Hey, Sam. What, huh? Who, what? You know Sam. I know

Sam, and I also know Patreons. Patreons that support us. Patreons I'd like to thank and that go by things like Joshua Paul Joubert. Thank you, Joshua Paul Joubert. Thanks, Joshua. Thank you. Thank you, John Lloyd. Thanks, John Lloyd. Thank you, Professor Frockbucket.

Thank you, Professor Frockbucket. Thank you, Ian Buckley. That's like a joke from like 10 months ago. Thank you, Richard Humphrey. Thanks, Richard. Thanks. Thank you, James Gilley. Thanks, James. Thanks, John. I just want to say goodnight, you guys. And always drink Ciramis.

Drink Ciramis drink Ciramis Ciramis chocolate everything's like an advertisement he literally just said sponsored by I know

he's he wants to be blamed sponsored by Ciramis thank you get him to send some emails James Gilly thanks James Gilly thanks Shootin' Runner

thanks C47CH22 oh that's chemicals thank you Matthew Edwards and see how this tastes like fucking gasoline I'm gonna thank a bunch of people real quick thanks Dustin Peterson thanks Ditch Wizard

thanks Michael Solak thanks Kyle thank you Douglas Scott thank you TEH staff to staff or the staff I guess perhaps finally thank you. TEH staff to staff or the staff, I guess, perhaps. Finally, thank you. Fang the tabaxi with one fuzzy nut. Thank you.

Fang the tabaxi. Also the bass player for Paul Revere and the Raiders. I saw Ditch Wizard open for Fu Manchu out in Palm Springs. Elbow drop. You know, in Russia, I saw Palm Springs open for Fu Manchu. You know, in Russia...

Don't say. In Russia, you don't say. In Russia, they end the episode with, What happened last time on NerdPoker? That joke wasn't going to fly no matter what. The interruption totally. Oh, God. It's a regular Boeing 737 Max.

That joke, Dan. It's not going to fly. 35. It's grounded, Dan. That joke's grounded. It's not going to fly. It's like a Boeing. Blaine.

Brian, what did you say while Blaine was shouting over you? I have no idea. I think you asked why there was no music last episode. There was music last episode. I tweeted. I don't remember it either. Yeah, there was music. Yeah, it's weird.

I don't know. There was 100% of this. Dan, I'm not saying there wasn't. I'm just saying, isn't it weird that we had a mass delusion that there wasn't? It's Berenstain. Or at least two-person delusion. Massive. It always sounds like Phoenix is about to start.

I think we were all caught up with the image of Dan sitting on Brian's giant dick lap. What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. His big flat dick. Oh, that's right. Okay. Brian has a big dick. Dick lap with a dick flap.

I never said it's big. Do you know what this is? It's flat. But it's flat. It could support my weight when I stood on it. I don't understand. This is like when you ring in the new year, like whatever you do first or say first is going to be how your year goes.

And that's what happened last episode was that we began it with the flat dick. And so then we just went down a, like a... That last episode was... Yellow road of dicks. The intro music is played once all the way through without point being... If I'm elected president,

I propose a flat dick tax. Wow. I'm not running for president. I'm just saying we talk if we we got five minutes. Thanks, Sam. What do you think happened this episode? Archmage fucking nothing happened.

Okay, bong. Can I talk about getting my taxes done at H&R Cock? No, shut the fuck up. Last time under poker, you destroyed a giant by blowing up his Vaz Deverens. It was really huge. And then you gathered a little bit of intel from Guxan before he quietly floated down a ramp deep into the sort of upper crust of the city of the Kowakawaka tribe. You are now alone up here on the 24th floor wondering what you could do next. You had said maybe go get your boat back.

Why don't we start descending? We know it's a five-hour descent. Why don't we start descending while we talk? Sure. So you're descending. Moving. That's a three-hour descent. So we're all on the same page, though.

The Archmage of Vangervale. We're going to have to take him out at some point, too. Yeah, I think we should go find Houshinka if we can and get back to Timeboat and then regroup and decide which... I wonder if once we get to the boat maybe we should go back to our friend the Beholder

Mind Flayer. Well, now that thing is one of the relics or whatever because we created it so yeah you get about halfway down yeah a couple hours go by you start to hear hoots in the distance is it nighttime it is nighttime yeah do we do about halfway down it's like you're you know you're trying to carefully go on there it's faster uh going down than it was we have thought

about that before we went down we didn't wouldn't the ideal situation have happened because i'm cool is is what i'm

hearing i don't think that's what necessarily this is my really accurate brian voice very harsh very harsh i feel like somebody

called you a nerd and you lost your mind. Just that we didn't realize the time. Our eyes would have seen the sun, which they don't. You would have known that like. We would have calculated how long we were going to have. It was late afternoon when you slayed the giant. So you would know evening and night. So how far are we from like the safe room?

If you're heading down, you're eventually going to get there if you don't stop moving, but it would take you another hour. Let's go to the safe room. As we're headed there, Guxon opened it with telekinesis. That was what made that room available to us. We could burn another one of the charges,

but then I think... Well think guxon might be there right we don't know where he just went that's true let's call out to him guxon so you're you head to the safe room it takes about another hour um we're calling for him you're definitely hearing strange noises in the distance uh because this this ramp that you have to go down the 24 floors is not that deep into the mountain so you're there's not a lot of distance between you and the outside world right right? Like there's only like 100 yards. Or not even 100 yards.

You're close. So as you get down there, you're hearing what sound like owlbears going apeshit outside. You get to the safe room and Guxan is in there. Yay! Hi, Guxan. We missed you. One more sleepover, please. What? One more sleepover, please. Alright. He more sleepover. Please. What? One more sleepover. Please. Alright.

He shuts the door. And I'm still figuring out how to leave. You sound drunk. I'm not drunk. You're making fun of the dungeon master who had some scotch probably. But no, I'm not drunk.

I'm just hiding. I'm trying to think of how to get out of here. I can't do it at nighttime or I'll get ripped to shreds by the mall bears. Oh yeah. We don't like them either. You can come out with us when we leave tomorrow. Yeah. All right.

We're trying to get back to our boats. If you want, we could give you a ride somewhere. I do a persuasion check. If you want him to come, if you're just offering, I'm offering, he can't make up his mind.

I mean, he seems like he is muddled. Does anyone mind if we bring him with us to the boat at least no come with us the undead beholder well at least it's to push him in a direction no this is a great conversation no i'm just checking i mean i'm just reminding you but yes it's i mean he's not like he seems like it is one of those moments where i look back at like when i first decided to like have guxon be a character like you know five months ago or whatever like oh yeah yeah they'll they'll fight him that's the extent of what my point being both with him and the mind flayer lady queen uh persuasion

is seven uh everything that looks like a monster is actually maybe, in this world, not a monster. Something horrible happened underground and it pushed everything that was a monster out. And the mind players were ready to change. They were ready

to be people of the surface and to be our friends. Where did this happen? Hmm? They were ready to be people of the surface and to be our friends. Dan is making a face like, no, you're in... Where did this happen? Hmm? What now? You're telling me about these mind flayers? What?

Well, I'm just saying this world is different. You found mind flayers, though. There's beholder monsters everywhere. This place is nuts. I mean, he's getting freaked out, but he's like, all right, I'll go with you. I'll go with you. He has very low charisma. It's not that hard getting freaked out, but he's like, all right, I'll go with you. I'll go with you. He has very low charisma. It's not that hard to persuade him.

You could go back to Silver Henny Woods. Not like my friend Blackie Green, right? Maybe I could go back to Silver Henny Woods. Yeah. Yeah, not even close. So you guys are going to do some rest and get your spells back? Yep. All right. so you guys are going to do some rest and get your spells back yep all right um now i have a list of what i think you guys are attuning to uh the only thing

i'm aware of that you haven't fully attuned to is halcyon shield there's she's like half attuned to it is what i have i think everyone else is oh yeah because it was like a super shield or something right like you discovered the basic stuff it could do but then there was the rune you were trying to figure out what it did okay well I still need to sleep though so I can save that I guess the way I've been doing it is like you can do

if you guys just want to sleep and get your spells back it's 8 hours of alternating shifts of 4 hour back, it's eight hours of alternating shifts of four hour shifts, but it's 12 hours of three shifts of four hours if you want to also be attuning to things.

Let's do that, right? Doctor, during your attunement time, do you want to try writing with the quill one more time? When you're ready? I could do that. I could work on some blog posts. Do an arcana check for me to try to attune to the quill. You feel like you didn't really get too close with it.

15. Okay. You feel like you may have grasped some of the arcane knowledge hidden within the pen. Great. It's like the time I figured out the remote! Can you get him out of there? Do I think I can get this guy out of here? You're aware that he is imprisoned in this quill

once you're attuned. You know this is some sort of... Can I ask him to tell us what we need to do to help him get out of this quill? Do an Arcana check to get the quill to move. 21. Fuck.

This time you see him write a W and then an I and then a Z, and he runs out of steam. Hmm. Diana Ross. He has to pee. Nipsey Russell.

I mean, you know what he's saying. The wizard. You need at least some wizard. You're not sure if he means a specific one, but he's trying to say wizard. And at this point you'd realize a couple days ago when you tried to get him to write and he wrote a W, there was another weird mark.

He was probably trying to say something about a wizard as well. A wizard can get him out of here. Can I ask Guxon if he knows any wizards? There's Archmage of Andoril. There's all those sun elves that used to be down south. There's a lot of wizards there. Do you know about... There's moon elves, too.

Archmage of Anzervale used to be one of a series of archmages of... Was it Vindaria? Vindaria, yeah. Yeah, what happened there? Yeah, bad stuff. I mean, they got assaulted. I didn't hear the whole story,

but I know the mages were... There's the circle of mages that live there. Yeah, bad stuff. I mean, they got assaulted. I didn't hear the whole story, but I know the mages were... There's the circle of mages that live there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened? Well, I mean, you know, the Archmage of Anterville is a former one of those guys, and he's the only one I've met. I don't really know.

So his story is probably not too trustworthy. I mean, he probably did some horrible things down there. Sounds like it. So, yeah, don't trust him. If you kill him, it'd probably be good. Don't give him that eye. He'll do horrible things with it.

Mm-hmm. You know, he's building an army. That much is pretty clear. With his magic zombies. Yeah. And what do you think he wants to do with that army? It's hard an army. That much is pretty clear. With his magic zombies. Yeah. And what do you think he wants to do with that army? It's hard to tell. I mean, I know he's interested in interplanar travel.

He's interested in collecting souls. It's not good. And we could have just killed him. And we still might. I want to. Well. But he... Okay.

What? There's just too many layers of, he was anti, you know, my enemy's enemy. He's anti the Tenebrous one. Right. This is food for thought. Let's say we successfully take out the Tenebrous one. What happens next?

That Archmage of Andervale is going to be fucking running whole hog over this place. It's just a series of assholes. I mean, the Archmage of Andervale does is going to be fucking running whole hog over this place. It's just a series of assholes. I mean, the Archmage of Vandervale does have a lot of magical artifacts in his temple beneath the mountain. I mean, I think the real fun part is... You could commandeer those, yeah. Yeah, I think maybe it's time for an Ice V regime. Maybe it's time for us to be running this fucking show.

I don't disagree. I don't love the word regime. I feel like it just has a sort of a negative. I mean, he does keep, the Archmage keeps a low profile. He goes to Wexhall, collects the travelers that congregate at Wexhall, brings them back to his temple,

sends them out on missions from there. But he's not like a guy who rules over this area. You know what I mean? He's not like a regime that can be changed. He's like a very secret rules over this area you know what i mean he's not like a regime that can be changed he's like a that's very secretive archmage i think is consolidating a different kind of power sort of well we necromantic power we like to leave a wake of democracy behind us has been interesting well you could certainly bring the arakokra back to this place but there is the gate atop the mountain that the giants can come back

through. Is that a permanent fixture, or is that a door that could be... It's a stone gate big enough for one giant at a time to come through. Can we go blow up that gate? Is it magic? Yeah. But you might be able to blow it up. I couldn't blow it up. First of all,

there was always a giant and his dog up there. Let's go blow it up. Wait first follow was always a giant and his dog up there. Let's go blow it up. Wait, dog? What? Yeah, his dog is probably still up there. Chained up, but yeah. A giant dog, you say? You need to tell us everything. You're not...

You're skipping things. Forgive me, but I've been through some changes lately. I don't know if you saw. I'm kind of gross. You know, maybe I'm just overstating the obvious. The fact that he's undead and has been horribly changed into a beholder seems to have completely changed his sanity.

What you actually saw of Thagas, you think at the very least he became megalomaniacal? You think that there's something about the way, when they become beholders, they're not quite as normal-minded as they ever were. Their sanity is lost. So he's a little

slippery bananas up in the head. Well, Halcine, you want to go to the boat? Is that your professional opinion, doctor? I do like the idea of blowing up this giant gate, but I also think we should get this thing back to timeboat, right? I think so. Queep, are you okay saying bye-bye to the homestead for now?

I have no problem with that at all. All right. How far do we think it would be to get back to where timeboat is? It would take you about three days travel minimum to get all the way back to Timeboat. Oh, man, it's like that time we found parking at DC. You also left it behind over a week ago. We need horses or some kind of riding animal.

And hopefully not dragons still searching for us in the sky. It's been a couple days. Are you saying this out loud around Guxa? No, why would I? Okay. That would be dumb. And there's also the eye that we need to either take with us or hide away. That's one thing.

We need to get it back to Timeboat, and then it can be on Timeboat, and that's our storage locker. You're carrying it on your back, right? He isn't. We were lugging it around, right? Yeah. How are we carrying it? Doctor, is it safe for us to take turns carrying it for you?

It's a big thing. It doesn't weigh as much as a bowling ball, but it's like this big around. So we were just taking turns carrying it or something, I guess? Pretty much. All right. Well, yeah, I think we should start. That's my... If you push it, it hovers.

Oh. Oh. Well, that makes things easier. Like Han Solo in Carbonite? But if you grab it it stops hovering and like you you're retaining the weight of it so it's kind of like this sort of the the thing is you have to like if you're when you're going down the ramp to come all the way down the inside of the mountain you had to like scoot it the whole time otherwise it would

just go and like all right so as soon as basically at first light, I think we need to just start heading quick, quick, quick to try. Yes, we left the boat a while ago, but I still think we need to head back that way. And Guxan, I think you are best. We need to say goodbye here. We should probably go. Put all that effort into persuading me to come with you to the boat.

Yeah, you know what? Fair weather friends, I guess. You convinced us. You're right. You should not come with us. Oh, man. This is just like with Gus where it's like when it actually starts its kindness, it's so much more cruel than when it turns.

Well, yeah. I guess I can try to smash the gate or something. Oh, that sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll go up there and smash the gate. something. That sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll go up there and smash the gate. Try and have some more dreams and create a bunch more gazers and go get that gate.

Hopefully his dog is gone and then yeah. Maybe my gazers could distract the dog and then I'll knock the gate over. We'll be back. You did pretty well with the giant. You bit that thing! Right in the arm, man. Good job.

And you were scared, and you ran right up and got it. Well, he was held down for one minute, and he was unarmed. Oh, yeah. We took zero damage in that fight. True. I mean, you really, that was like, that was, and it took a full episode to kill him, but it was. Amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, does anyone not want to go back to time or try to find time? Let's go. And I think on the way, we should be looking for Hachinka, too. Okay, so he is going to, as you morning breaks, head up as opposed to go with you. He's going to head towards the top of this mountain where the supposed giant portal is. Halcyon, were you attuning to your shield

last night? Yeah. Alright, roll an Arcana check for me, please. No. Well, I have a proficiency, so. Oh, no. is that a two the first one was a four and then it was a two but this was like a golf yeah i mean you feel like you got a ways to go studying this shield it

does feel like there's there this rune and it's hard you feel like if you study it enough the rune will reveal its name to you but the shield has a name it is one word it is an ancient word uh and uh yeah once you know it you'll learn something all right from this thing i'd like to uh if we get down search the giant so morning breaks you guys what are just going to sort of stride outside i think so i think we're going to stealth it we We're going to look for... Everybody roll a stealth check for me, please. And then, you know what? Why don't you roll a perception check on top of that?

All right. Everybody. Remember what the two numbers are, because I'm going to ask, hey, what was your stealth? 11. 18. Chris? 19. 7. Chris? 19.

7. 7. What you got, Brian? What is your start? It's 10. Okay. Perceptions? 15. 23.

Okay. 19. 14. Brian's going. What was this one perception you're looking around you're going outside uh nine okay so it doesn't seem to be anything

immediately outside but with that perception roll you notice it is a lot noisier out here than it's been the last couple of days it sounds like the wildlife might be closer than it's been the last couple of days. It sounds like the wildlife might be closer than it was previously. You think you hear birds? That's nice, right? Bugs.

Closer as in, oh good, we're not scared of the monster. Yeah, and I mean, there's all sorts of... This whole area looked very desolate. The trees in the grove had all been sort of chopped up by the giant. There's a pile of bones. You notice also the giant has had much of the meat picked off of him in the night i wouldn't take much to deduce that the owl bears probably cleaned him off um no more wrestling parties much of his equipment is

still there they didn't they didn't have a lot of interest in that um so there's the enormous axe that none of you could carry on your own and a few other items do you have any giant gold coins any gems let's search him a charger uh i mean it's he's he's so enormous you don't have to do an investigation check to loot he's got an enormous war horn uh that's obviously meant to declare aggression strapped to his belt. His belt has some dried food in it, some strange stones with carvings in them that you could probably figure out is some sort of weird giant currency.

And that is about it. There's like a weird bone. It looks like he maybe used it to clean his teeth with, stuck in his belt, a couple other minor things. But he's a crude, low-intelligent being. So the random bits of junk and the war horn are mostly all there is besides the axe. Does the war horn carry with us a bull?

It's pretty big. It weighs about 80 pounds. As much as a light human. Do I have to get rid of my trombone? Let's just leave him, I think. Is there anything to the cave under him? Is that what we came through to come across?

You do an investigation check. Alright. Is that what we came through to come across? You do an investigation check. All right. So, uh, uh, Queep,

you kind of look for the fissure. 15. With all the meat picked off of him, there's a fair bit of space where you can see the cracks in the earth underneath him. It looks similar to the cave you guys snuck under from one mountain to the next. But that's about it. There's not any light down there.

But there's hollow earth underneath where his body hit the ground. Would these tunnels take us safely towards the boat? You've never been in those tunnels before. He wouldn't be aware. His people never bothered to go underground, really. We just fly around?

Should we try it and see if it heads towards the boat? And if not, then just... I feel like it's the connection between these three mountains. Oh, okay. You didn't see any paths that led away from the mountains. Oh, okay. Never mind. Sorry.

My apologies. What a dumb idea. It was just very droll, that song. Let's sneak to the time boat. Time boat. Sneak it up. Sneak into the time boat, everybody. And maybe if occasionally, hey, Gus?

Yeah? Maybe occasionally you might just want to swoop up and see if you can see our friend Hoshinka anywhere around. You want him to do a Hoshinka Scott? Stay safe. Now, before Hoshinka shows up, we might him to do a Yeah. Hoshinka Scott. Stay safe. Now, before Hoshinka shows up, we might want to have

a conversation. About what? Well, she was here to kill your mom. Oh, that's right. She works for the Violent Fang, which is an ally

of the Tenebrous one. So at some point, unless Hoshinka really doesn't want to work for them anymore, she's going to try and kill us so maybe we shouldn't find her well i mean she did say she didn't want to work for her anymore she did say yeah i'm just i'm just pointing out before we go and run and hug her just remind ourselves that yes halcino always likes to think the best of everyone, but then she will turn ice cold and murder them if they

betray her. Yeah, her and Joy Behar, am I right? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that was the most pointless applause. I think I signed nothing. Gus, go find her. All right, boss, have him do a perception. We're going to have him scout ahead before you guys do some stealth and survival checks to get across.

He got a 20. Oh. Not natural. So he flies around. It takes him a few hours. He comes back. So here's the thing. I didn't see anything.

So here's the thing. I didn't see anything. However, I was flying west past the Kowakawakas, kind of in the hills north of Wexhall. I was careful because I'm worried about those dragons. But at one point, someone did fire an arrow at me. And I can tell you where the arrow came from. There was a mountain smaller than the Aarakocra Mountains, just a little bit west of here.

It came from the side of the mountain. Do you have the arrow? No, I didn't retrieve the arrow. Be cooler if you did okay can't you see through his eyes when he's going yep

maybe next time he's gonna look where you are so you guys can communicate while it's happening yeah let me know when it happens

you want me to fly by the same spot and see if she fires another arrow at me oh she no I'm assuming

we're hoping this is Hoshinka oh it didn't even occur to me oh you think she was trying to get your attention

maybe I mean you'd miss me by a lot but it was clearly pointed in my general direction all right then let's We're hoping this is Hoshinka. Oh, it didn't even occur to me. Oh, you think she was trying to get your attention? Maybe. I mean, you'd miss me by a lot, but it was clearly pointed in my general direction. All right. Then let's... I think Halseen's point was, next time something like that happens, speak up right away,

and you and I can see each other through. Okay. That's a to-do. But right now, let's go there. Okay. Everybody do a survival and a stealth. Let's just say no one rolled twice yet. Roll once and tell me what your stealth is.

Don't do survival? Don't do survival. First, do stealth. Brian's survival bonus is so big. It's like, oh, let me do it. 18. 19. 17.

These are great. 19. What's your stealth, Queep? 11. Your stealth is usually not that great. But that's pretty good. Oh, my stealth? Yeah's your stealth, Queep? 11. Your stealth is usually not that great, but that's pretty good. Oh, my stealth? Yeah, your stealth. 12.

Okay. Jen with the fucking goof-ass grins. Yeah, so you know attention attracted your first day. You get to the base of this mountain. Do a survival check, please. Fifteen.

Twenty-four. Twenty-two. We will survive. Did you roll? Three. Queep gets lost a few times. You have to go back. He just keels over.

At first, he was alone. He was petrified. Yeah, then he had a heart attack and died. Tick-tock, with Gus's help, you're able to triangulate. You feel like you're able to actually see where up on the mountain he was indicating. And he flies up there.

And with the survival check, yeah. I mean, he's like, there's a cave up there, boss. Darthur, do you want to sneak it up? Yeah. You're going to climb that mountain? Sure. So it's almost nightfall. You guys might want to consider the dangers of nightfall.

If he's going to separate from the party, it's going to take Gus only about five minutes to fly up to this cave. To have Darthur climb, it's going to separate from the party. It's going to take Gus only about five minutes to fly up to this cave. To have Darkthor climb, it's going to take maybe an hour. Maybe a couple of flying buddies could do it together. Also, we can make camp, right, while they do that? Correct. Okay, so we do that and then. Okay.

Yeah, I'll fly up with him. Okay. So are you going to try to carry Darkthor? Okay. So are you going to try to carry, Darkthor? Never seems to work out well. No, but I loved when you thought about it. You almost said no, and then you're like, ooh, comedy, though. It does make for great fan art.

I know. True. Just try it once. I'll try it, yeah. Then it doesn't work. I'll try and carry. Roll an athletics check, my friend. All right.

Let's see. Hey, Darkthor. Yeah. You may be in for the ride of your life. I like it. 16. You managed to get Darkthor up there in just about 20 minutes. So dusk is beginning to fall.

You guys are going to set up camp. I'm going to have you guys waiting at the bottom. I'll do survival. I was farting nervously the whole time. Just like the farting preacher just It's cold up here in the north, so there's like little bursts of

vapor coming out of dark throats, but survival checks, you three. Survival checks. I can't wait to hear what Sam has to say about the farting preacher to set up the get eye contact get eye contact trying to get Sam to look at me when he's saying farting preacher

what did you two get? survival check Blaine farting preacher 15 What did you two get? Hi, guys. Survival check. Blaine? Farting breed. Chris? 15. I was 15.

You have a hard time standing up camp. It's not that... Good night, everybody. Good night, buddy. Good night, Rhodes. I'd like to see the kitty of the day. Kitty of the day? It's a good cat. It's a solid cat.

It's got one of those mushed up faces. Yeah, he likes the mushy face cats. Thanks, bud. Good night. We used to have one here. Remember? You get up. You guys, yeah.

Your camp doesn't feel very well hidden. That's about the big problem is you're finding a hard time getting up. It's just like a regular valley ranch. All the trees are kind of evenly spaced at the base of this mountain there's not like a good bunch of them to hide between there's not a good pile of brush there's not a good big boulder to hide hide we get it we did a bad job you try to set up a secretive camp or a safe camp and it just wasn't as lucky as your last couple. You get up there to the cave and

there appears to be a glow not too deep in there, you guys. There's clearly some sort of presence inside this cave not too far in. Are we sneaking in? Yes.

The detectives. I just don't want to scare anybody. Stealth checks, boys. As you do some Scooby-Doo tiptoes. 17. 13. You get a little bit into the cave and you

hear a voice in a language that is very familiar to you, Darkthor. They're speaking undercommon. Okay. There's two voices. I know undercommon. And this would signal to you that these might be drow what do I hear him saying someone's there get the knives there's drow and they know we're here

say hi and under common I'd tell them I mean you no harm do a persuasion check uh 13 plus uh 18 uh there's a pause and then uh you hear back in under common. Who is that? Uh,

do I tell him? Oh, I, I, who, who's there? I tell them my name is, uh, Admiral Darkthorne.

Admiral Darkthorne for, for who, who are you with? From, uh, the timeboat army. I was in the world trade center when it collapsed i'm with uh i'm with the ice i'm with the ice five and uh we may need no harm uh there's another pause and uh they

reveal themselves you see uh three assassins one of them is hoshenka uh the other two are drow and they have long knives out at their sides. Oh, shit. They continue to speak to you in undercommon, and they say, our friend here has told us of you, Ice Five. I'm assuming it was great. I am Drexel. This is Heflit.

It was all good, huh? We are agents of the Violet Fang. So you only had good things to say? Yes. Oh, wow. So those are... Oh, sorry, I'm not there. Should we call our friends up? Yeah.

And maybe rest in this cave? Yes. Oh, I guess... Can we? It'd be hard to bring them up, though. Wait, are you guys listening to what she's saying? What the other people are saying? Yeah.

Okay. Why, you don't trust them? No. I can't say anything, right? I'm not there. Correct. Also, my computer is on the fritz, so I have to restart it. I just feel like we just think

about the stuff that we just talked about. Right, right. Yeah, no, I know. Well, let's not bring them up. It's nighttime anyway, right? Yeah. Gus is with them. Gus was sent up to come take a peek because he can fly.

You see what's happening. Did Gus remember to tune in because something cool is happening? He's not saying anything. He's going to perch on Sourboy's Did Gus remember to tune in because something cool is happening? Yeah. Okay. So that's happening. He's not saying anything. Right. He's going to perch on Sourboy's shoulder and just sort of relay teller.

You're doing great, Gus. I tell them. Sour once, now I'm Sourboy. Great. Trotlana has, or Hoshinka has found her friends. I thought I was about to hear something about Trotlana that I didn't know. Okay. So now that I hear that, I talk to yeah just pass it along

well I'm just asking you guys so is she she's either she said she didn't want to work for the Violet Fang anymore so she's either pretending with these people that she still is they probably saved her from Dragon Time

right so so just they don't want to give her away if she's pretending or she actually went back as you just were intimating that she might do. Right? I mean, she's going to have to pretend to be on their side so that they don't kill

her. Right, so just play it cool, guys, I guess. That's what we're trying to do. Oh, we're just saying this to Gus. We're eavesdropping on your conversation. Yeah, these guys reveal they are both agents of the Violet Fang, as is Hoshinka, who is quiet right now. But she is standing alongside them as if in equal status.

You notice they're both wearing black leather. They've got cloaks. They're differently dressed than Hoshinka, who has piecemeal armor that she got back in Bozor. All right. Is that the six-piece meal? What do you want to do, Ken? Ask to camp here?

I mean, what were we coming up here for? To find Hoshinka. Yeah, right. Because we want to get back to the boat. Oh, so should we tell her we're... We could. Without Sarah being up there, I just forgot what our actual agenda was.

I said I'd climb a cliff because I like climbing. I'm by Perrier Kitchen. Perrier Kitchen, it's too late. Perrier Kitchen. We tell them we're heading to the boat. Okay. They nod and say, very well, do you need any assistance

or we will part our ways? Well, we'd like to, we're wondering if well I can't speak to them so we're hoping that Hashinka would maybe join us yeah I say that yeah do a persuasion check me?

no I mean Queep because Queep's first time trying to convince him of something yeah but I had to I had to translate it true but I'll let you give him with advantage you can roll a second time creep oh you you don't get to roll brian okay i know you want to very badly 10. so i mean you communicated back and forth um but they say well unfortunately

we have much need of hashinkainka back at the stronghold. Much she has seen in these last many years, or not seen as it were. She has told you already she was in quite a state. She needs to report back what she has seen. Well, then I guess we'll be on our way.

I guess.'ll be on our way. I guess. I feel like... Well, we can't say it, but... Do an insight check, both of you guys. What does Gus think? Roll an insight check for Gus. You know, you can see through his eyes 18 do your own insight check just from what the visual you're getting

18 7 nothing to 8 Kweep you see Hoshinka take one of her fingers while you're talking do this at her side she thinks you're talking. Do this at her side. She thinks you're crazy. She's pointing at the ground.

Her finger, though, because you can't see. You see her do this very briefly. Is she trying to do a spell? I don't know what the hell that means. Your insight roll wasn't high enough To know what it means It would have to be really high Because you don't have any prearranged hand signals with her

But you did see she was doing one She's trying to signal you something Do I see anything on the ground where she pointed? No She's trying to indicate an intention So where are these guys? They're right in front of you. Where is she? Kind of like

it's like Drow, Drow, Hoshinka, Drow is a third right behind them, half a step. Gus, ask them what they're doing when they leave. I think you already kind of know.

I mean, they're taking her back for interrogation. I'm not looking for information. I'm stalling. Oh, okay. So he starts gabbing. I'm interpreting that as... Yeah, he's like, so if that's what you want, he's just like, oh, hey, yeah. What's it like? Where are you going? They're pretty reserved. They don't

want to really say much about where the Viol fang lives but you know he goes back and forth enough to get confirmed that yes it's somewhere near donkey land ask a shinka a question ask her ask her what how she did what she did after we left her hey i shake her uh have her do a persuasion oh i was I was going to, can I suggest? Yeah, please. Can I suggest, have him say, you know how people have like safe words, like you're being held hostage? Like have him remind her of something that didn't happen. Like, hey, Hoshinka, do you remember that awesome thing that happened

where, you know, we rode winged horses across the plains of so-and-so? Oh, boy, boss, you get to tell a big fun lie. Ask Koshinka about something you know didn't happen and make sure it sounds real. Do that persuasion roll. You know what I mean? If she's being held against her will. I think it is.

Eight. Wait, this is Gus or me? If I'm not mistaken, Gus's role for Persuade Monus is nothing. It's nothing. So he says, Hey, Hoshinka,

remember where the Ice Five got on those wiggy horses across the plains of so-and-so? And Hoshinka's eyes get kind of big for a second and she shrugs and goes ah yes alright let's kill her let's kill the assassin okay cool

shit I know it'll only go one guy I pull out my loot. Uh-huh. And I hit a power cord and I go, darkness. And I cast darkness on the one dude right in front of me. Everybody roll for initiative. Eat it.

Not us. Well, I have it on him. Not everybody, right? Just these two? I will say, if you three want to try to climb up the mountain, it will take a long time, so you know you're kind of stuck. Yeah. It is you two. I feel like this is more like a radio show.

Like we're watching through Gus going, Jesus, what's going to happen? 19. Podcast within a podcast. 18. Are you rolling for Gus? Gus got an eight, you said? No, you can roll. I got an eight.

Okay. What'd you get, Brian? Nineteen. Gus got eleven. What did Hachinka get? Hachinka get? Hachinka got a seven. Actually, I wish she gets a bonus.

This bonus brought to you by Spaghetti Peas. Take it to the next level. Peace. Spaghetti Peas. And Chick-fil-A So good you'll suck a dick But don't Put your minis out

Chick-fil-D Sarah I'm going to reach over your left shoulder. Pardon me. We're going to create the cave with what we actually have right here. Create the cave. Create the cave with Mountain Dew. Create the cave.

Create the cave. That's the weirdest campaign I've heard from Mountain Dew I've been listening to Mountain Dew for a long time it's the grave cave sounds like a hate breed lyric and Bodhi loved Mountain Dew it's extreme create the cave alright so here come the drow loved Mountain Dew. Do you crave flavor? It's extreme.

Great to crave. Alright, so here come the drow. Get ready in the cork, here come the drow. Don't you know the cork? I can't remember. What's your guy's name? Terry? Terry. Terry, when he was a rollerblader, he tried to get sponsored by Mountain Dew.

When he was. He still is. Oh, okay. When he was going pro. Before the kids. One of his DUIs. Before the kids fucked up his pro rollerblading, his blading career.

I don't know if I can get this back on track. This is the weirdest shit. All right, Darkthrew, you cast Darkness over what? All three of them? Can I? Well, I don't want to cast it on Halshinka. Where do you want to cast it? I was just casting it on the dude right in front of me

because I was trying to avoid Halshinka. That's Halshinka in the back? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'll shink it and I want it. That's Hoshinka in the back? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Well, you can cast it so it doesn't overlap with Hoshinka, but it's on those two. I'd love to do that. Now, is it centered? Like, does it move with people? No. They can move out of it.

He can pick where it goes, but it's stationary. But it's a total temporary thing. It's just to get the attack to jump on them is all it's about, really. You put it on their face and then you hack at them. Yeah, it's like a blinding spell briefly. Kind of. Dark Third, now that you've done that, you are still up first.

What are you going to do? Stab and hack at the closest person. Okay, go for it. Hack and slash, yeah. 14 on the dagger. No, 17 on the dagger. No, 17 on the dagger. That's a hit. Okay.

You're just stabbing in where you know this guy is, right? Mm-hmm. All right. Scoot your guy right up to the edge of where these two drow are, if you'd be so kind. Let's use, yeah, that guy. The one with the sour ring on it. How dare you.

Delicious sour rings. I would love a sour ring right now. That'd be great. And six on the piercing. Cool. And then... That one is good. Does the 13 connect with the longsword?

No. I didn't think so. Okay. Up next, we have Queep. You guys rolled pretty high. I'm going to attack with my great axe. Go for it. Bring your guy up, please. It really is nice.

Which one? The one in the darkness? That's okay. His handsome axe. Oh, and I'm raging oh good to know yeah would you rolled 13 you said uh no i rolled a nine oh that's a best half yeah okay but i get another attack go well you know it takes an action to rage oh got it so that's it for you that turn. Up next. Darkthir.

You have a short sword appear out of the darkness and flat and connect with your chest. No. It does four points of damage, but do a constitution saving throw. Okay.

I would guess 7 is a no. You are now poisoned. Oh, fuck. Here comes some poison damage. But please don't take it poison-al. I'm gonna lie here and die in my sleep.

Every rose has its thorn, but not that joke. Please put this poison ring on Darkthor. You now take 18 points of poison damage. Whoa! And you are poisoned. Up next, we have Hoshinka.

She swings and misses, and swings and misses into the darkness. She swings at the darkness, though? Yeah. It gusses up. Am I controlling him or are you? It's all you, buddy.

Although I will say you're noticing interesting things about his free will. I'm not sure what that means. That may be deliberate. My thought would be I want him to... Can he attack the guy in the darkness? He can't. Once you go in the darkness, it's pitch black. You're not sure he's going to succeed.

Okay, so then I'm going to have him attack that one with the stinger? He seems to agree. But because it's not like the giant attack where you're sort of letting him have free reign why don't you roll for attack for him okay it's more fun if I can include as many of you in this split party battle as possible pretty sure it's plus four it's a 12 mmm now he has a plus four to hit. So that's a miss. Wait, what did he roll?

An eight plus four is 12. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He can fly out. It's not very far, yeah. And then does he want to? It's up to you. I mean, yeah, he can go. Poop on a guy?

I guess that's it. Okay. How about he flies back here to be back here with Hoshinko? Okay. As he flies out, a sword goes after him. Yeah, I was wondering about that. You see through Gus's eyes a drow assassin

fully follows Gus out, is now in the back. So the one with the two daggers, if you can scoot him... Those are the swords. I'm sorry. The guy with the hood. If you can bring him out near Gus. He

hits with his short sword for nine points of damage. Have him do a constitution saving throw, please. Nine. Okay. You see everything go black.

No sign of Gus. Does poison work on mechanical... Or is that for Gus? That's Gus. Up next, we have Darkth dark there you don't see any of this you're just stabbing into the dark so far dark there right and then I just took some poison damage yep I'm gonna cast lightning on my sword okay and and then slash whoa slash in where I know The guy was where I hit last time And

Nope Alright it's a blind swing and a miss Fuck You gonna do anything else? Do I get a second swing or no? You don't remember? I gotta look this up if you don't I don't believe I do.

Okay. Maybe today. When we get to level 5, it's hard for me to remember. This is the kind of stuff I try to get you guys to track for me so I don't have to keep track. I wish I could help you out more. It's going to take me a pause.

If only there was a commercial that could happen right now. When was the last time you went to paladinos uh you know what i swung by uh paladinos on sunday for a couple of uh gospel performances oh really how was that uh i saw a june carter credit and uh i it was really weird it was like the ticket price and then another $40. So it turns out I do get two attacks. Per action, yeah. Thank God. You'd think we'd remember this thing. There's just the mechanics of it.

When you guys lose confidence, so do I. I'm very easily manipulated. 16 on that second one. That is a hit. I also saw the new crispy menstruals. Yeah, how was that? They're delicious.

Somebody's text messages are going nuts, by the way. I'm hearing a dinging in the distance. I think maybe it's a clock. Yeah, somebody's a clock? No. Yeah, somebody's phone clock is going nuts. It's fucking Patton. Oh, is it a bunch of...

It's a bunch of jokes. Yeah. Tell Patton he's ruining a podcast. He's hitting Blade and I up with Ben Shapiro jokes at 11 o'clock at night. Because that's what happens. Roll your damage, Brian. Roll your damage.

All right. Shit. Just four on that one. Damn it. Okay. So up next we have Queep. Oh wait! What? No that's not true at all. Hubba bubba bubba?

No. You got a million damage. Because it's lightning. Okay. You cast lightning on your sword. I'm not familiar with how that works either. It works the same. But now with lightning. It's like any... I don't have that spell yeah right okay hold on no I can only do it on a fucking throne or range weapon I'm sorry I'm sorry I

thought for sure because there was one of the other ones I had that I can use on both So no, just that. Queep. The drow is coming. Two whiffs. Oh no. Two and a three. Queep, a drow lunges out of the darkness at you. Misses twice. Nice. But it's visible now. It's out of the darkness. It's scooted up a bit. He rolls as well as I do.

Hoshinka is going to attack and you can't see what's happening please hashinka do something not to us do you guys get do they get well now that you know gus is down you must have a sense that we need your help we're an hour away you. They're far down the mountain. You really split up when you initiated this fight. It was definitely putting you guys in quite a bit of a situation. You hear noises in the back of the cave. The plane doesn't have flying powers anymore.

On the other side of this darkness, you hear clanging of swords, a strange voice that sounds like the other drow going, no sound from Hashinka good dark three rep again alright what can I cast oh I think the other

you're in very close quarters so there's a lot of casting you can't do because a lot of it is based on arrow attacks can you cast murder that would be a good one. I'm going to cast Halo Thorns. Doctor. Fifth level.

Fifth level? You can't do it. Oh no, third level, because that's when I... You're going to fire an arrow for a guy right in front of you no uh can it be anything you throw too i can't attack though yeah it i'm gonna uh i'm gonna cast it on an arrow and shoot an arrow at a guy five feet away okay yes do it because i'm just trying to get i'm trying to them up with the halo thorns thing Because I'm just trying to fuck him up with the Hail of Thorns thing. All right.

Oh, he doesn't do well. 18. Nice. That's a hit. Okay. You guys have the impossible Captain Crunch yet? He failed his deck save too, so he's going to... Tastes just like real meat. Eight on the initial hit, eight damage, and then...

Is it made out of captains? Let's see, where is it? Do you have a 10? I don't know. All I know is I didn't even notice. I thought it was going to take me out of it. I thought it was going to be like Uncanny Valley, the way vegan stuff tastes so much like meat

that it obviously is cauliflower. But yeah, it was really good. And the crunch berries were pretty good too. Tastes just like pork. Does it have that fake blood? No, but I just put some on there anyway. Just because I need, you know, I just need a little bit of iron. 14 piercing damage.

Okay. The drow stumbles backwards into the darkness. Yay. As these many arrows just slam into it. Queep, you're up. Do you see the one visible enemy fall backwards into the black? Once again, I'm going to swing with my battle axe. Oh, is the other guy five feet away or no?

No. It was more than five. Okay, cool. Wow, you are rolling such garbage, Ken. Wow. Dan. Here, bud. wow you are rolling such garbage ken wow dan here bud when uh when his uh gus's signal would go out i feel like i would have turned to the doctor and say you should get up there and help them right yeah yeah yeah uh are you gonna I could, and I will. Okay. I'm going to turn into a big green bird!

You're making your way up. They're a significant way up. It's not going to be instantaneous. So a sword comes out of the dark at dark for and misses nice uh tries to do a backhand swipe and connects through a

constitution saving throw darker oh no 16. 16. All right. You take four points of piercing damage and resist additional poison slamming through your veins. Good. However. additional poison slamming through your veins. Good. However...

Yeah. You are already poisoned. So... Poison. Poison? We need to have you roll at disadvantage. Or no,

you have a disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks, so you're going to be rolling disadvantage next time. Okay. And let's see. Oh. Okay.

You hear a thud on the other side of the darkness. Dark three are up. I'm going to hack and slash again. Go for it. There you go. Natural. 20?

Yeah. Yeah! I rolled that damage. But what about the disadvantage? Oh, yeah, you do have to roll a second time, Chet. Let's roll another 20. He pulled a real Sarah, didn't he? That was a very me move.

Well, he just said it. Everybody listening is going to be going, you just said disadvantage. I'm not saying it was wrong. If it was a me move. I'm just being honest. I said to Hurricane Everybody listening is going to be going, you just said this is bad. I'm not saying it was wrong. If it was a me move. I'm just being honest. I said the hurricane was going to hit Alabama. That's still good.

18. Yep, that's a hit. Roll your damage. Nice. Oh, I didn't say I was hacking and slashing so I'm just I'll just take one long sword you guys had the spicy crispy chicken sandwich at relax the back yet. Ten damage. All right. You hear a thud in the darkness. Yes.

Good. And you hear Hoshinka say, I think they are done, but things not look good for your little dragon friend here. Can you revive him? I mean, no. I can try to stabilize him, but he is limp. Can you stabilize him, please?

Who else? Ken, do you have anything? So, yeah, Blaine, you can get up as the bird. Dr. Rued can feed him some beans. So, Hoshinko walks through the darkness. she kind of kicks over kicks out of the darkness the two bodies of the assassins and uh Dr. Hashinko walks up and presents you with the

unconscious body of uh Gus the pseudodragon and uh we will pause the show see what happens next time nerd poker the show. Let's see what happens next time. People for a whole week are going to be pulling for Gus on nerd poker.

Which is what I call it when I... Sam, what do you think happened on today's episode? It was a real weird one. Yes, it was. In episode 36, here are my notes. Sierra Mist right before bed is fucking crazy. This eyeball

might join our team. This game rules saying that I forget if we're looking for or running from the Archmage. Oh, hell yes, we're going to time boat. We're going in some tunnels. The farting preacher was Robert Tilton, a mega church preacher who was sued for fraud

whose video was overdubbed. You're awake on that one. I'm always here. Brian cast darkness, then got himself poisoned. Oh, if Gus is hurt, of course, I'll kill myself. Wait, can you cast murder? Ken seems to be rolling against himself.

Rolls suck tonight. Brian knocked out two assassins, and this will be an episode where if you hear me laughing randomly, it means I cut cut something from the episode and you're just hearing the aftermath yep uh i will be in the pacific northwest i'm at laugh seattle i am at curious comedy theater in portland at the end of october please check it out uh brianprain.com for a bunch of dates in October and I'm going to be on the Mega Cruise. So see you there, Mega Death Heads, whatever you call yourselves. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening