Nerd Poker - Episode 36 - Welcome Again

Episode Date: December 27, 2017

Merry Christmas! Sadly, Twee's player took ill and had to sit out this episode, so he is being driven by the shitty DM. Bodhi and Tom do their best to keep Dan from killing him, while re-encountering the direly irritating Count Ahmelegda. Will they encounter even more creepy undead jerks? Will whisky be consumed? Will bad commercials happen without Blaine? Only time will tell.

Hey everybody, it's Brian Pesan and you're about to listen to episode 36, and if you're listening to it as it drops, that means it's Christmas. You're about to ruin Christmas. Way to go, Scrooge. Fucking dipshit. Enjoy your nerdy podcast while everybody's celebrating Christ's birthday. Just kidding. Hey, it's Brian Poussain.

I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons and Dragons.

We've got fifth edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, Rhodes is asleep. So it's just a dumb old dad introing the show. It's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker, episode 36. We did it. My refrigerator just farted.

I got money on Ernie for that one. Everything in this house farts. It's like the Pee Wee Herman house of farting. It's like that Mr. Show sketch where it's the house everything talks except everything farts. There we go. God, Mr. Show is great. Oh, man. Did Netflix ever get back to you guys?

About doing more? We're talking about doing more, yes. Are you allowed to say that on a podcast? Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. That's the idea is at some point, Bob and David, the way we've always done the show is those guys write a bunch of sketches and then they tell us they have a bunch of sketches and they ask us to start

writing sketches. And then we start putting them all together and figure out how many episodes we're doing and all that kind of thing. Do what you did last time and tell us about when we can watch it. Yeah, we're talking about shooting some stuff in New York because David's starting a family out there and everything. And Bob's kids are flying the coop. So we might wind up being out there for a little bit shooting some stuff, which would be fun. We've never done that.

That would be a fun new take, too. Every episode of the show was shot in L.A. And then one we did with Bob and David was in L.A. also, and usually in an L.A. studio and with L.A. sketches. So it'll change the tone of the show if that happens. It'll be more New York-y. Again, these are early, just talking. But I'm excited.

I hope we get to do more. It was a lot of fun. Writing with those guys is the best job I ever had outside of the two McDonald's I worked for when I was a... Because you can make like a triple quarter pounder with cheese. That's something... No one even knows. I was accidentally served.

No, but if you work there, you can have a triple. We were like the Nikolai Tesla of unknown hamburgers. We had double quarter pounders before we sold them. That's a half pounder. Nikola Tesla, not Nikola. I accidentally got a triple quarter pounder. And I worked at two. I worked at one in Sonoma and one in Sacramento.

Nice. 2005 and 2007. Oh, God. I'm so lucky I avoided having to work in fast food. 1985 and 1987. They were easy jobs. Can you eat McDonald's now, or is it too weird? Well, very, very.

I've lost a lot of weight, so I don't really anymore. I still get my Diet Cokes there in the morning. But it's not like you see what goes in the patties or anything. It all comes in a box. No, it came frozen. The pink slime. Just these hockey pucks full of... No, I only get the burger.

I'm not a really McNugget guy because I know how nasty those are. Although when you're eating them, just like the first couple of seconds, they're actually really delicious. Then you immediately feel terrible. It's like breaded newspaper

globs. Made of diarrhea. Sawdust and raccoon anus area can Dan we we haven't we just started talking we haven't even entered that's because we we took a first time in a while we started the episode with whiskey. Well, this is actually regular. It's 10-year bullet. Bourbon, yeah. Yeah. And it is delightful. Speaking of introducing things, I introduced McNuggets to America.

Were you in that first commercial? I was the guy in that first commercial, yeah. Oh, that's right. Here are your McNuggets, sir, and I opened the box. It took me a second to realize you were being literal. Yeah, no, I didn't. That's so nuts. Wow, that's right.

So you're welcome. All of us. And now you just sell chicken. Having heart attacks and whatnot, yeah. Blaine is not with us for this episode. Ken looks like the colonel. Blaine had the shits right at the end of the last episode, so he is at home.

I think right now driving home. This is the first time I can think of that somebody has left before. We've never yeah done that like in between no no we've had people not show up because they were not feeling good but yeah uh he left he he did a real good job he shat diarrhea all over the chair next to me he was dressed to the nines in like really nice suit yeah so because cause he just warmed up for Sarah Silverman show today. And so he came dressed like he fucking did a Lucha and, and then he had to go just poop all over his car.

He looked like Richard Belzer lost half of Richard Belzer. Richard Belzer already looks like that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Hey everybody. Thank you for you for uh for listening to our our podcast but a big extra thanks to those who fund us through patreon such as marcos nolan thank you thank you mick f mick f yeah mcf

McF? Yeah, MCF. All right. Yep. Thank you, Splort Doosky, seventh of his name. Yeah, Splort. Yeah, thanks, Splort. And thank you, Nick Hazelbaker.

Bake those hazels. I mean, real nice and brown, right? Yeah. Thanks, Nick. What about... Oh, and you know what? I mean, we all... brown, right? Yeah. Thanks, Nick. What about... Oh, and you know what? I mean, we all... It's kind of a given. I mean, he's always in our thoughts

and our prayers and our minds. Hashtag never forget. You guys, Skeletor's dick. Skeletor's dick, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, God. We've got t-shirts for sale, right? We mint merch.com slash nerd poker uh will afford you a lovely nerd poker shirt with brian's delightful visage upon it as he uh holds his hand over a glowing d20 what was our artist on that one aaron english uh e-h-r-E-N. A Canadian gentleman.

Really, really amazing artist. Don't brag. Huh? I know, right? Anyone? Who doesn't have to live here. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Hey, Posey.

Why don't you go to Canada then? All right. Get me a show up there. I don't like talking. Shut up, whiskey. I know. The whiskey makes you kind of giddy. All right, get me a show up there. What am I talking? Shut up, whiskey. I know, the whiskey makes you kind of giddy. Or morose. Or both.

I think it's cute. Instant gallows in a glass. So where last we left our heroes was quite an interesting spot. They just hit a big reset button on the island. You guys have killed some vampires. You confronted an evil arch-lich called the Demolith. Yeah. You went underground and went... And you kind of walked back across the continent a little bit.

You went back to the docks where you very first landed in episode one. You're kind of sitting around with some new party members. When time reverses, do all those shits go back into your body and then the food that you ate? I mean, if you really want to know, technically you guys think you're on a boat

headed towards yourselves. That's crazy. So you could, what would be the most fun thing I think is if you guys just hit in some bushes to watch yourselves shit in the future. Doesn't that happen in like Hot Tub Time Machine? That movie is all about pooping. Hot Tub Time Machine?

I saw the first one. There's two. Isn't John Cusack there's 10 the second one yeah oh yeah that's right there's a it's like land before time I was like the time machine X where they just go to space it is one of the hot tub time machine 3 through 10 though the star is Clint Howard Ice Cream Man? Oh god I remember that movie So you guys are on the beach, you're with

Forenmeyer, some wood elves, Luovin the creepy ass lunar elf You came out of the drow caves on a mission to find Horo the descendant of the Demolus, the final sacrifice that gave him the power to transcend.

And kind of just hanging out. And Twee and Bodhi, you saw up in the mists above you sort of a shape. And you heard a... Right. And when you shared that with the group, the elves kind of busted out their quivers and they're all pointing their arrows at the sky.

They're on sort of high alert now. It's not Gago, is it? That's ass, Gago. Yeah, what's up? Okay, nothing. Nah, man, that thing's bigger than me. I mean, does Tui want to fly up there? I'm going to go ahead and cast a little spell called...

Don't kill Blaine, though, while he's not here. Okay. That's like a total Sark thing to do. Tui plays a little song on his Doss loot. Fly like an eagle. And he goes up into the clouds. Not too high, I believe, as Blaine would say. Not all the way up there. He looks around.

Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, I rolled an eight. That's not really that special. No, I thought it was a one. He comes back down and he says, yeah, there's definitely a being up there. I didn't want to stick around too long, though. Yeah, there's like a large humanoid thing

flying around up here. Yeah, I got kind of a bad juju vibe off of it, humanoid thing flying around up here. Yeah, I got kind of a bad juju vibe off of it, but yeah. It isn't the Demolith, is it? Well, you know, the Demolith and... No. What is the Demolith really, man? Yeah, man.

What is he? What is he? I'm with you. Not much yet. The party sort of is like, maybe we should take cover. They don't really like something kind of... They don't have a hideout. As long as you keep an eye on who's arriving at the dock.

Yeah. Do one of you want to kind of break off and keep an eye from the edge of the dock? Because these guys are all like, there's some light tree cover. We kind of are going to want to move farther away from the docks. I'll be the guy to be our lookout. Yeah?

Yeah. All right. You want to stick with the group, or you want to go off with Bodie? How far are we going to be from the dock? A few hundred yards. They want to get out of the open. I'll split the difference though. Like halfway between?

Yeah, maybe fall back a little bit. Not back as far as they're falling. Great, so they all kind of go in the tree cover. They're far enough away where they can see, but they can't really hear all that well what's going on with you two. So you kind of hang out by a big rock. Yeah, the rest of those guys are dicks. Between the two of us, we're keeping our eye at one looking high

and one looking low. I'll say Twee is kind of doing like a little – he's going to stop playing his fly song and do a little... He's gonna stop playing his fly song and do a little invisible song and kind of try and keep an eye on the perimeter a little bit. That's a good Dio song. Make sure nobody sneaks up on you.

You two notice something is descending from the clouds. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. And also roll a perception check. What kind of poop is it? Four plus Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. And also, roll a perception check. What's that poop, is it? Four. Plus two, six.

Thirteen. Plus two is fifteen. Oh, okay. Bo, do you think you see something over a hill to the north to a couple of tall creatures really far away? So not coming. Not coming from the sky while something descends from the sky shit how big they almost look like giraffes have I seen them before you think maybe you have yeah where did I see him oh yeah

you think that they might be Barris's deer. Barris' dead, yeah. Well, he was the last time you were in the present. I'm back. Merry Christmas, by the way. Yeah, Merry Christmas. We should do like a... Let's, at the end of this, if we have time, let's do like a little intro,

like a doofy Christmas message. Oh, for the... Yeah, to tack on to it. Maybe the thing in the sky is Santa Claus. What? Maybe the thing... Coming down to tack onto it. Maybe the thing in the sky is Santa Claus. What? Maybe the thing in the sky is Santa Claus. Coming down from the mists. Yeah. You didn't think of that, did you?

I did. We'll kill him like we did that episode with Sark way back in the day. Oh, God, I remember you telling me this story. It was in a mall, right? You like levitated. We didn't kill him. The parents killed him.

The people of the Beverly Center. He was possessed by Satan or something. Yeah, it was people. Well, they thought he killed the kid him. The people of the Beverly Center. They thought he was possessed by Satan or something. They thought he killed the kid. It was in the Beverly Center. Oh, God. We had time traveled to Los Angeles. We were at the Beverly Center.

Was it Hardwick's wizard character threw a hole in the tree and we went inside the giant Christmas tree. Or you did that, yeah. But we all went inside after we levitated Santa. As a distraction, right? Like, do we do it to distract people? Just like a walk past.

Yeah. And then he dropped the kid by accident. Yeah, and we also murdered a city bus because we thought it was a land whale. And we took it. I once won a comedy competition with a santa uh joke like there was it was like a write-in like like write your best christmas joke for uh this comedy website like 15 years ago uh so did you guys hear uh because of climate change uh

for the first time over the summer first time in recorded history the north pole was underwater there's no landmass it's bad news right the good news is for the first time in 500 years mrs claus got wet I'm like, oh, no. I don't know. Who's that? And so 15 years ago. That's a long time ago. They didn't know climate change was real. I know. It's still not real.

It's still not real. It's still not. It's a silly joke. So a shape is coming down from the clouds. It's wet, Mrs. Santa. What you guys want to do? Wet Mrs. Santa. Oh, the shape's coming down. You don't hear any jingle bells.

You sure don't. Well, if it attacks us, we'll fight it. How big? I love being full of scotch for the Christmas episode, too. It's bigger than uh than uh a typical humanoid but it's like the size of you two guys because you're big guys okay i'm not that worried about it you see dragon size no not dragon size uh it is uh as it lowers itself, a humanoid bat. Huh. I've never seen those before, too. And it sort of slowly descends, flaps its wings, kind of tucks them under its arms.

Do we know this guy? Who are you? Walks over to you guys and says, hello. Oh, God. Welcome to Amina. Have we met him before? Yeah. I know the voice.

It's not Haro. No. No, Another voice. It's not Haro. No. No, no. My name's not Haro. Okay. My name is Count Amalegda. Oh, okay. Welcome to Amina.

Oh, wow. Hi, Count Amalegda. Consider me your greeting party. All right. Which count was that? One of the ones we kill in the future. What was that? Nothing.

Oh, okay. Quite all right. Quite all right. I want to go to a J. Jill in the future. It's a store in the mall. J. Jill? Don't worry about it. Okay.

For a second, you were referring to Jake Gyllenhaal, star of Donnie Darko, a time travel movie. Just, you know, whatever. No, I was just... Thanks for the welcome. Yes, yes, you look like quite a strong group. Tell me, are those people cowering over there in the trees with you? Or what's the deal over there?

Uh, I don't know. You don't know them? They seem to be looking at you quite intently. They were concerned about something floating above us. Oh, that was me. I apologize. I'm a giant bat after all. But welcome, welcome.

I hope you're not too frightened to hear this, but you've survived a great calamity. Oh, no. That's right. I don't know if you got off a boat recently. I didn't see anything dock, but I'm afraid the storms

are making it impossible for boats to depart the dock properly. Oh, dear. Well. So we're stuck here? I suppose so. You could say you're stuck, yes. Do you have lodgings to the east?

I'd be happy to provide you with a few-night stay at no cost of your own. Well, we're going to look around town for a while. Around town. Well, you're welcome to. Just think I'll let you know there's no real town to speak of. But you know, whatever you wish,

I am but your humble servant. Is there a tavern nearby or anything? No, nothing like that. Is there a nearby or anything? No, nothing like that, no. Is there a bar or anything? No, no bar. We're okay. You're okay. Well, I also just want to sort of throw it out there.

You don't seem very intimidated by the eight-foot-tall bat thing. I just kind of wanted to tell you how impressed I was. You seem like mercenary types, perhaps. You just seem familiar and not really afraid of you. Familiar, you say? You seem kind of silly, really.

Well, I'm a local dignitary. Pardon me if I'm, you know, a little eccentric, but... No, I like it. I like it. Okay. Well, you're very strange races yourselves, I suppose. You know, I don't know what your affiliation with those elves are, but we don't get a lot of tieflings and half-orcs around a minute.

Mostly boats of humans and elves. as humans and elves all the time. Day in, day out, huh? Day in, day out, and occasional dragonborn or whatever you call them, the big lizard people. Oh, yeah. You get any of those turtle-looking guys? Turtle-looking? Oh, the tortles?

Yeah, tortles. No tortles. I've met a tortle once a long time ago. I thought they were new. Well, they're sort of a new expansion book, but they've actually been around since first edition, if you must know.

I see. Well, it's been great talking to you. Of course, I'll try to stay nearby if you need anything. Terrific. That's great. Just give a shout. I've got quite good hearing. I've got sentries all over.

This is my land, after all. There are many dangerous things on the island, but I make a point to fly about the dock and check in with whatever locals sort of arrive, whatever sort of vacationers pop up in a minute, and I try to make them feel welcome. Consider me your friendly

ambassador. Do you live here on the island? Yes, yes, yes. Whereabouts? Oh, I've got a small castle to the northeast actually. Sounds familiar. It's a a small castle to the northeast, actually. Ah, okay. Great. Sounds familiar. It's a humble place.

I've got a few servants, you know. But they're a motley crew of different races that I've known for many years. I love the crew. First two albums. Oh. Anyway. I'm more of a thrash man myself but alright

me too but alright or the bad brains I don't mind a little sort of metal and punk mixed together you know the crossover shit

yeah the crossover shit bad motivator you know um anywho uh again a bit surprised

you're not either terrified or humbled, but okay. I'm going to just sort of keep an eye on those elves. We're just happy to see you. I don't know what to think about those elves. They look a bit like the elves that camp out to the east. They don't look like visitors, so I don't know what they may have told you about this island. I'm sure they're fine. Who knows?

Did you just get off a boat, if you don't mind my asking? Uh-huh. Where's everybody else? I don't know. They must have wandered off somewhere. All right, well, I'll be... Why don't you float around and find them? Yes, I think I will.

Don't go anywhere. And he flaps his arms and starts. I can't wait to kill him again. You sound a lot like Hans Conrad. He starts sort of, you can tell there's a shape in the mist kind of doing circles around you again. Fuck off. The two sentry-shaped deers are keeping an eye on you as well

over on the bluff. Creepy deers. Oh. One of the elves just... Yeah, so they're probably... Barriss probably sent them. Yeah. And you're not sure what exactly is going on here,

but it looks as if Count Amalegda does this and Barriss has scouts for whatever reason. Right, okay. Cool. One of the elves hops over and says... Why haven't we encountered them of the elves yeah like they kind of you know it's creepy they're like yeah that was fucking creepy should we be worried do you think kill them once before oh yeah what was that fight like we didn't have to fight him. We actually

killed him while he was asleep, I believe. If my memory serves me correctly. So it was pretty easy. Yeah, it's so easy. We'll just wait until he goes to sleep again. Don't you worry. You know I can hear you. I'm not that... No, he doesn't say that.

He doesn't. Twee says So Um Why don't we Set up a camp Uh Right by the docks

So we don't waste Any time Sure And we see Uh Who shows up first Love it So

You guys Throw up Uh Uh Twee Uh Enemans Tiny hut

Throws up an Enenmann's Tiny Hut. It's got that nice cinnamon swirl in it. Delicious. Little crumbles on top. Little vanilla icing. Suck all your dicks for an Entenmann's right now. Jesus Christ. Let's go to Ralph's afterwards, you guys.

Just get another bottle of bourbon and some fucking Entenmann's cupcakes. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh, man. You know what my favorite? Because my wife is British. My in-laws are all British.

My favorite is Boxing Day. It's especially fun once you have kids. I thought that was just a Canadian holiday. No. You get the party. You get to start over. England, too. Yeah.

So like Christmas. All it is is the kids play with their toys while the grown-ups put their feet up and get drunk. Oh, they don't put everything away? There's open boxes everywhere. I thought Boxing Day meant to box everything up and get it out of your house. It could, but also it could mean just fucking boxes around. Just get drunk and box each other.

The cool British people I know get drunk and let the kids play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Americans do that too. It's a good time. It's a good time. I like to bust out the Bailey's special flavors on Boxing Day. Get into it, you guys.

You're listening to this. Fucking celebrate Boxing Day properly. I actually have a 50-year-old bottle of scotch waiting for me for Christmas that an old friend of ours bought bought me a while ago and when i finish i'm finishing my book right before christmas and so i'm gonna you better finish your book yeah it's it's crazy that's awesome though it's gonna be a really good bottle of scotch yeah oh man you'll you'll feel the nine months that I spent writing it as you read it. And then I'm going to think about those nine months as I drink that bottle on Christmas Eve.

It's like a baby. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. It wasn't supposed to take me that long, but writing books is hard and shit. Yeah. I wrote a book proposal, and that took like two years. My book proposal took me almost a year yeah yeah oh man yeah you gotta you gotta come up with more book than is actually there so people will go nuts for it yeah yeah it's been a big process a long process well uh future congratulations can't

wait to uh crack that bottle by the time people hear this you you will be hammered. I'm so close. You'll be done and sipping on malt. Shit. So let's get back in. There's just a little bit of a waiting game that has to go on here, but Count Amalegda doesn't make himself visible. You get the sense that he's just sort of patrolling and hasn't decided to intervene yet. Good.

When a boat shows up. Like, we still aren't even, not like earlier, like, we don't see him off in the distance at all, even. No, but at, like, about every, like, let's say, like, two, three hours, you see this shape in the mist above, and you're just like, yeah, it's probably him. All right. When a boat approaches, him. A boat approaches,

arrives. A boat! It shows up. A big sailboat shows up. It's very extravagant, and it's far down the dock, so through the fog you see five or six figures kind of

get off, kind of look around. Let's pause for one second. What is our plan? What are we exactly going to do to Horo like once we meet him? Are we just going to observe him or are we going to... Are we going to take him away? Kill him?

No. No? What are we going to do? Would you guys please both do this in your character voices? It's Christmas. This is a delightful conversation that I think just would be fun to hear.

What's the name of the chick said we're going to take him and keep him from getting killed? We're just taking him in a cave? Oh yeah, maybe we can do that Down Low What did she say

What was the plan again lady We can maybe take him So far back in time That it disorients the Demolith's plans Right Right that's a good plan That's back in the cave then Yeah

Back in the ground Yeah Alright we'll take him rock on the ground. Seriously. So, what are you going to do about these five or six shapes you see? Stay out of the way. Check them out.

Make sure they're not us. For one. Give them a little distance and then look for Horo, right? Yeah. Uh-huh. So, right? Yeah. So some time passes and the numbers seem to shrink. It's almost as if some of the individuals are going back on the boat. What does Tweed fly over and check out what's going on?

Tweed nods and zips over, zips back and says, yeah, looks like the boat might be departing and they're just leaving this one guy alone. A guy who looks very familiar. Cool. Let's get friendly with him.

So, sure enough, as Tween suggested, none other than a very familiar bard skips down the dock and says, Hello, my name's Horo. I speak with my hips. Can I interest anyone in a song or two? Sure. Are you here for adventure? Yes, and you must be the greeting party that I was promised. Yeah. I am Horo from Darth Haven. Welcome.

Very good to see you. Welcome to me. Good to see and meet you. All right. I'd like you to join us on an adventure. Well, this is exactly the sort of thing I was hoping for. What exotic creatures you are. It's exciting to see not just boring old Darth Haven human folk around here.

Yeah. So let's away, shall we? Where are we going? We're going to go explore some caves first. Sounds a little suspicious. When are you going to explore some caves? It's where all the good treasure is. Absolutely.

Well, I'm not here for treasure, so to speak. I'm more here for good fortune and excitement. Those were both. Yeah, there's that too. Go in and hang with treasure. This place is a little spookier than my Darth Haven folk were expecting, and they all ran back on the boat. I was hoping for more

reassurance than come hang out in a cave. Yeah, the mist is a little creepy. It will protect you. It's actually safer in the caves. Roll a persuasion check. Difficulty 12. I love how you...

Safer in the caves. Jesus Christ. You know Bodhi's intelligence Was your roll? 18, I got a 20 18 plus 2 So what does Bodhi say When he finally realizes How to

Get Horo to do whatever he wants Look The thing about this island is it's not that safe above, but there's treasure and adventure below, and that's where we're planning on going. And if you want to be safe, you should cruise with us. Very dramatically, Horo places a hand on his chin,

and you see on his green unitard a tiny rivulet of dark green appear near his crotch area and his knees start to shake a little bit and he says, alright You just pee his pants? Do tell me where it is safe because I am what you call

weak of heart. Okay well follow us. Okay. Uh... We'll join up with our group so he knows that we have more than just us. All the elves, you wave them over and they say,

okay, let's double time it back to that cave. Also, um, Luovan says, Hey, uh,

before we go, we should consider a couple of things. In my opinion, there's, uh, multiple creatures tracking us at this point, just right now, like literally right now,

there's a vampire in the clouds above there's two weird deer staring at us from that bluff over there and if we go back there's that marsh full of weird shadows that seems to be following us should we go back the way we came or should we try to figure out some way to shake these guys. I've got the cave back in the Lunar Elves territory. I might, of course, run into a version of myself, but at least my people know how time travel works. That sounds safe. I've never bumped into myself before.

Is there a reason not to trust Levin on about that? We haven't burned their village yet. That's true. So they won't hate us. Right, and she's still trying to do what we're doing And if you were to go back To the Lunar Elf cave You're down here at this dock The only trick is

You would have to Cut near past Amalegda's castle To get up there. You don't know if that's necessarily a good or a bad thing. Well, he's already tracking us. Mm-hmm. So are you just going to start walking that way without...

That's also towards where Barriss's people are, so maybe Barriss's people will continue to follow us. I don't know. I'm not that afraid of the Blue Oven. Yeah. Alright, yeah, let's go that way. Instead of going back. We'll go to Lou Evans.

Lou Evan. Or Lou Oven. Say it again. Lou Oven a Lou Evans. Lou Evan or Lou Oven. Say it again. Lou Oven. Lou Oven. Lou Ellen. It's not Doug Llewellyn. We'll go there. Okay.

So as you guys start heading in that direction, you realize you're going to kind of have to go right over the bluff where those weird-ass deer are, and sure enough, as you get closer, they are, like, identical to the deer that you used to ride around on. They seem much more pensive now that they're not on your side. They seem to keep their distance a little bit and they stare at you sort of unblinkingly. They seem to be functioning not so much as mounts,

but as steeds, their antlers aren't as big too. So there's something a little less regal about these guys. They don but as steeds their antlers aren't as big too so there's something a little less regal about these guys they don't have like combat antlers they've just sort of they're more uh doe like and um they back up as you approach the bluff but they sort of stare at you and kind of make you walk between them as you as you head north. All right. Okay. Fair enough.

So you head into a bit of woods. Based on the map, you get the impression that you won't be in the woods for all that long, but you're sort of stuck in the middle of the Wu-Tang W between two different little bay creek areas. And so you know there's sort of water on either side of you all of a sudden and there's woods and you're not walking towards count amalegda's castle but uh the woods do start to get a little thicker and it were you recall for a moment how it there was a bit of an impasse in the woods where count amalegda assured you it would be best to let him teleport you to his castle.

And you've kind of reached a thickness in the woods that reminds you of that moment. So, oh yeah. Okay. Huh? The, uh, wood elves say we avoid this part of the forest. This is not a part of our forest.

We don't know the creatures here. We're already in it at this point. We could try to go closer to the water. Yeah, let's do that. We'd almost have to backtrack a little bit to do that.

That's fair. So you guys try that and sure enough, as you start going that way, you start to get the impression you're being followed in the woods. Above or? On the ground. Okay.

On the ground this time. Little hooded figures about waist high are kind of. How many? Darting around the trees. It looks like there's about four of them. Okay. Humanoid in shape, but they're waist high, and you guys are like five feet tall.

Just kind of little darting around the trees. They've got their faces obscured. Okay. You see a clearing towards the water but uh before you can get there all of a sudden the woods light up uh everything is suddenly really well lit and uh what does twee see and when is lew oven uh feel um uh twee says uh hey uh look up you guys and you see there's some sort of bright fire

appearing in the sky between the trees almost as if there's a big white fireball right above you guys just sort of hovering above you is it dipshit? I'm a legna I'm a legna

I'm a legner I'm a legner I'm a legner You don't know But you do all feel like you got hit With a prison spotlight while you were sneaking Off the prison grounds I'll keep moving You just gonna keep walking? Yeah

Who's gonna lead? I don't mind. The elves are kind of frozen. They're frozen? They're like, this is really... What does Luovin feel about what's going on? She says we're more than being tracked I mean someone's watching to see what we're about to do

Right Well let's get out of their Just having a little walk through the forest Just having a little walk So you want to play dumb? We should just kind of Yeah Whistle

Alright Do a perception check Oh man Very high perception Do a perception check, gentlemen. Three. Oh, man. You have a very high perception. Thirteen. All right, Bodhi, you see there's a hooded figure waiting for you right at the edge of the light in the woods. Is it one of these little smaller hooded figures?

Yeah, there's two glowing yellow eyes right below your waist level. Have we seen these guys before? No. Yeah, from the movie called Starworth. Yeah. Or Red Eye. Or Phantasm. Phantasm, yeah.

These are the Star Wars ones or the Phantasm ones? Yeah. Oh, who knows? It's Christmas. It's a gift. The NPC that I've wrapped in a bow just for you. All right.

I'm not that afraid of something that small. What are you going to do? Keep walking. Okay. What's your armor class, Bodhi? None of your business. Whoa. Fucking sick burn.

15. You look down and all of a sudden a tiny little dagger goes right in your armor and kind of bumps off to the side. Goes like,

kind of just hits your leg right in a leather crease between the plates of your armor. How dare you? What's up, little man? You can't see its face, but its hood kind of... You see it kind of go like... Can I grab it? In disappointment.

Yeah, you can grab it. All right, I'm going to lift it above. I'm going to lift it off its feet. Strength check difficulty 10. All right. You've got a big it off its feet. Strength check difficulty 10. You've got a big bonus, I believe. Oh, shit. Oh, a botch. Yeah, it's a one.

Okay. Roll a hundy, please. But don't I get a bonus to the first round? I mean, a fucking botch is a botch. Is it? For me, it is. Because my strength is so high, it feels like it's not a one.

If you're real high, you'll kill him. Otherwise, you're fine. I have a seven bonus on my strength. Anyway, all right. That's cool. No, it's... I don't know how that rule works, but if it was a two, it would matter. If it was a two, it would not matter.

Right, okay. That's how it works. Because if it's a 20, it would not matter. Right. Okay. That's how it works. Cause if it's a 20, here's the thing. In D&D fifth edition, botches don't even exist. Technically. This is something that I've carried over cause I find it fun.

Oh fuck. 87. Okay. Hang on a second. She's just trying to lift up a little thing. Does my back go out and I shit my pants and wind up in another dimension? I need to pull up the botch table. Crush of dead death.

On my phone because my computer just died. I hurt myself somehow. I mean, it's likely. 87 is high. Jesus Christ. Hey, Blaine, what is this botch brought to you by? Brian's a fucking idiot. This botch was brought to you by...

Oh, shit. Salad. Salad nog. It's egg nog, where instead of eggs, it's for vegetarians. It's chlorophyll. Chlorinog. Try not to throw up on yourself. Dear Blaine, get better.

Oh, dear. Okay. Jesus Christ. Roll 3D4, please. 3? 4. Yeah. You got three?

Three little triangle dice there you got them all over on the side so an 87 on my botch table I will explain as soon as you're done doing this 6 that's not too bad so an 87 is

a 3d4 self wound plus a disarm plus you're stuck plus you're confused crazy so as you pick him up he you suddenly make eye contact with it.

It's got a strange reptilian face. It's got bright green skin, big bulbous orangish-yellow eyes. And when you make eye contact, it sticks its dagger right in the crease in your wrist, and you take six points of damage. dagger right in the crease in your wrist and you take six points of damage. You drop the Herald of Kelmar that's in your offhand

and you wince and shut your eyes as you drop him on the ground. Great. I help him collect his things. You do? Yeah. Why don't you roll a 20-sided dice first?

Nine. Hang on. Plus whatever dex. Okay, so you're beforehand. What kind of a check was that, dexterity? Was that 13? Oh, I see. Okay.

Okay. okay so uh eight uh arrows go off and you just hear as the elves fire into the trees around them hoping to nail the shapes they see moving um you in front of you see the thing that just stabbed a boatie in the wrist try to scurry off into the bushes and it gets just on the edge of melee range uh before you're up you're up uh roll to attack won't you 13 and i'm going to use my short bow plus two oh great

so oh it's plus two to damage oh great okay so refer your damage so it's six plus two seven total nice um so you nail the guy who just stabbed bode in the back and he kind of thuds face down on the ground um uh when you do that twee uh oh nice uh tweet tries to stab one and puts a little nick in one um but he he's gonna probably cast a spell next uh foremire runs off into the bushes uh he starts going into bear form. Looks like he wants to chomp down on one.

Sure. How many of these are there for? Horo kind of sits down and looks really scared. It's all good, Horo. Don't worry. Okay. We got it covered. I don't like any of this. This is adventure. It turns out like adventure.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas. You piece of shit of shit excuse me I'm scared um also uh the light gets a little brighter and uh roll 20s please four going really well 20 great you guys are all fine, but I hate when my computer dies because I don't have an algorithm for this. I'll do one for all elves on this one. Okay. So, like, two of the elves shield their eyes

and look like they can't see. They kind of drop their bow out of combat stance. Right here. And one of these guys scurries up to Horo and tries to stab him. And Horo goes, ayee, and jumps out of the way. Who is this? One of those guys? One of these little guys, yeah.

Are you still confused? Is he still stuck? He's kind of out of, yeah, sorry, Brian, but you're out of commission for this round because you're... All right. What do I got?

What do I got around me? You've got... It's vape o'clock uh yes uh so um yeah you um you you see do a perception roll real quick do it do a 20 with your reception bonus yeah 18 plus what six or whatever 18 plus two it's 20. 18 plus what? 18 plus 2 That's some flavored shit What is that raspberry?

Really? No it's berry As long as it's not mixed berry Because mixed berry is a fucking scam being perpetrated on the public Do you know that? That's bullshit We got raspberry, we got cherry Mixed berry is a lie

Stick with one of your berries chuck berry yeah chuck berry flavored i'd i'd chug a little bit of that if you know what i'm saying it tastes like a good pipe or is a good uh vape sour skittles yeah it's a good taste nice is skittles like endorse that no i don't think so. No? That's not like Willy Wonka brand THC? Okay. That would be great. One day that'll happen. There's so many flavors of that stuff, man.

I did a lot of reviews for that stuff. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Is that like a special page on Amazon that nobody knows about? Yeah, it was a job I had. It's like vape yelp? I was doing reviews, explaining the flavors and how they come on. Amazon that nobody knows about? Yeah, it was a job I had. Like vape yelp? Doing reviews.

Explaining the flavors and how they come on. These don't sound like reviews so much as endorsements or professionally guided descriptions. All right. It's like no one reviewing the vape. There's all kinds of cream and strawberry and caramel and salt and mint and hot and cold. Cream soda with a scrotum that's been submerged for three seconds.

Really specific. A lot of cereal flavors. Ooh, Captain Crunch? There's like Captain Crunch vape? Yeah. Weed stuff for sure. Cereal flavors, berry flavors, some tobacco flavors, unusually. Like

Meerschaum. Is there eggnog vape? I'm sure, I guarantee there is There's alcohols and there's rum Alcohol? Are you talking about weed vapes or regular? Regular vapes, but they can put the same flavor in anything America Right?

Land of the dumb Forever, right? So, yeah. So, I rolled a 20. So, you notice there's dozens of these things darting around outside the light. You and Bodhi kind of ran into the dark a little bit, so you're not blinded. And you see these things are scurrying around everywhere. They look like little iguanas sort of with big old fishbowl eyeballs

and um uh there's one though that you notice because you rolled so goddamned high that's hovering five feet off the ground it's got a little staff in its arm well that's one i want to kill first well you have that as an option. I am going to cast... Werewolves of London? Is that a spell? You cast Warren Zevon on this. All right. I cast a Poison Spray upon him. Let me see what the distance on poison spray is real quick.

I will tell you. Oh, will you? I wish you would because then we don't have to do a subpar commercial. If I can find the page soon enough. What's this page being found? This page is brought to you by Jake's Discount Mistletoe. Throw it at somebody and ask them for a kiss. It won't work. Jake's Discount Mistletoe. Throw it at somebody and ask him for a kiss. It won't work. Jake's

Discount Mistletoe. I'm gonna get fired. Poison spray, right? Ten feet. It's a distance of ten feet. You're just in range where you can do that. He's going to roll what is it?

It's 1d12 poison damage after his constitution saving throw and his constitution is a 10 yeah he doesn't do it he just he rolled low he got an eight wait this is an eight-sided let's try that again rolling the wrong kind of dice is brought to you by Krampus Krampus is like Santa if he did what he really wanted no, 9 plus 11 20 points of damage

never forget 9 plus 11 this guy's never gonna forget 20 points of damage. Never forget. 9 plus 11. This guy's never going to forget. Well, this crocus shaman, as I call him in my little Aminah bestiary, drops his staff, and the light goes out. So suddenly everyone comes to their senses. These things go scattering. Bye, shitheads.

I like that one crocus song. It's named after a flower. September Bacon? No, that one. September Bacon. I was trying to think of one. Long stick goes boom. That's not my wiener. This shaman that you sprayed in the face just sort of rolling

around on the ground next to the guy that Bodhi killed. Yeah. Or was it you who killed him? I didn't kill shit. You didn't kill nothing. I'm still fucking confused. So everybody's sort of chasing these things off into the woods. Bodhi, there's this shaman kind of rolling around on the ground

about 10 feet away from you when you come back to your senses. Sleepy head. Yeah. You're going to bonk him? I'm going to do something to him. What are you going to do to him? He's at your mercy.

It's Christmas. Remember, it's Christmas. I'll give him a present. He tried to stab me. Is it the one that fucked Mia? No, it's the one... He's the caster who did the big blinding light. Big chief.

Oh, okay, cool. You're going to show them a little Christmas mercy. Why did he... No. What do we know about? I'm trying to superimpose the fact that people will be listening to this on Christmas, onto this adventure, even though the two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Just trying to insert a little bit of holiday cheer for those who listen on download day.

Because we did a lot of Christmas, but it's very better. trying to insert a little bit of holiday cheer for those who listen on download day wow i've lost all my holiday spirit now thanks ken my ball just retracted back into my body why he was doing what he was doing uh no should i ask him or just get him you can grill to pick him up again by the scruff of his neck? This guy's blinded with poison. It's a different guy. I'm going to ask him why he did that. Cool. Strength check. Difficulty.

He's having a harder time writing. I'll just say eight this time. Yeah, you got that with your bonus. Easy peasy. So you pick him up and when you talk to him, you just hear... coming out of his weird little mouth. I don't speak our language.

You don't speak to me. Does he speak Sylvan? I don't have any kind of language thing. You can try. What is he? Infernal? He wasn't close enough for you to tell. What do you want to try can try. Or Infernal? He wasn't close enough for you to tell. What do you want to try, Sylvan or Infernal?

Yeah, I want to try and... Can Blaine help us with him too? What's your damn problem? Yeah, I haven't relearned tongues yet. Sorry. So, yeah, he doesn't respond to Sylvan or Infernal. He just kind of speak in this weird little subspecies. All right.

Should we just kill him and leave? Sure. All right. For Christmas. Oh, we should crucify him. That's Easter. Oh, sorry.

Shit. I don't know anything. I'm Jewish. I should crucify him. Are you going to? No. Because you could do something extra horrible for Christmas, but no. Okay.

It's Christmas. I'm just going to punch him to death. So you give him a good old non-damaged sock to the face, and he curses at you in some weird little magical creature language. I'm going to take his staff. You can set him free. You can try to throw him. I'm taking his staff. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Okay. Go ahead and put a staff on your character sheet, if that's really what you're going to do. It's almost like a large wand or a small club for you, because this dude's tiny. Yeah. But it's definitely got magical properties.

Where are the other guys? I sure have. The rest of them scattered, and everybody, all the other elves come back and say, you know, like one guy says, oh, I killed one. Another one says, eh, ran off into the bushes, and I couldn't keep track of it. Seems like the party was sort of,

the party of these croakins were kind of banking on you being blinded and stunned we're uh we're at the end of 36 right almost we're we only have like yeah yeah i'm gonna knock him out and then just carry him with us uh and see like a bag he's sort of like fireman's carry. Cool. Just throw him over my shoulder. You got to pull your punch, so we're just going to say that requires athletics. Or I sleeper hold him. I just like... Oh, you can sleeper hold him, no problem.

Choke him out. That's easy. So you choke him out. Actually, just really quick, do a dex check difficulty three. Perfect. Fucking perfect. Oh, this has been the best Christmas ever. Two botches.

Okay, 100, please. 100, please. Watch on the choke. Do you guys wish for a Christmas botch? Maybe it's going to get crucified. 47, not too bad. Not bad at all. Okay, hang on.

Damn it. 47. Fucking Bodhi can. Okay, hang on. 47. Fucking Bodhi can't do shit right tonight. Three! Get a three. Fuck. Fucking dice are loaded ones. Oh my god, 47 is such a good one.

Brian? Yeah. Column A is the specific effect and B is the action effect. Would you please read to the listeners what 47 says? You consider starting life over? This term. Damn it.

So you try to choke him out and he wriggles free. He lands on his back. He doesn't get away or anything, but as he hits the ground, you get a sense of like, I just wasted so much time on these fucking things. I could be back in Gluck. I could be back with the old ex-Paladin crew just fucking with people.

Here I am stuck on this island 1500 years in the future fuck me dex check difficulty 3 19 he goes out like a light and the elves provide you with a sack that you can

throw this thing in as you do it you see some he's got full pockets there's some stuff in his robe do you want to yeah let's go through it definitely yeah yeah um there's weird shiny bits of glass and other weird shit that like only like a semi-sentient race would collect but you find um about 110 gold pieces this thing was. And you also find two magical fetishes. One is a weird little wood carving of a cockroach. And one is a

tiny skull, both of which clearly have magical properties. Cool. What is it? Cockroach and a skull. A wooden cockroach sculpture and a tiny skull. Stash boxes. Yeah. Plus that gold.

Which you've only found a couple uses for gold on the island, but it comes up. That, I think, is going to be the Christmas gift at the end of this episode. Merry Christmas, everybody. And also, Merry New Year's Eve. Merry New Year's, Mary. yeah and also 37 or whatever you're listening yeah yeah yeah happy holiday happy holidays how that war on Christmas boy say Merry Christmas if you want to

and if you don't I've been an atheist since I was like six years old I still say bless you when people sneeze I don't give a shit if you want to and if you don't, you don't. I've been an atheist since I was like six years old. I still say bless you when people sneeze. I don't give a shit. Other than people shoving that shit down my throat, I've never cared. Fuck off with your weird belief you need to proselytize. I love

everyone and I like to be angry. That's just the only difference. Hey everybody. Love everyone. Trust no one. And start building your own lightsaber. It's dark outside.

Tour dates for 2018. BrianPersane.com. Not super busy doing stand-up, but I'm coming to a couple places I like I've got beat kitchen coming up in Chicago second week after the new year and then I'm back in DeKalb they always move me around at clubs there so I'm not sure the name of the club I'm doing in DeKalb this time around but that's coming up and I've got

San Francisco other places I like nice I'm trying to only go to places I like so if you live in a place I hate sorry bye thanks for listening and haters get fucked Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Merry Christmas. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Ceno, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.