Nerd Poker - Episode 37 - Katydid Parade

Episode Date: January 3, 2018

Blaine is back, and just in time for the parade! An ally from another timeline has arrived to put the smack down on the party, and this time it might not be so easy to talk them out of a bloodletting. Will Blaine do some proper commercials? Will Rhoads be in the mood to say hi, or will Minecraft take priority? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got fifth edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. Happy New Year. We should not survive as late. Hey, go pee on your sleepy roommate. What?

Go prank your roommate. Isn't that what people do on New Year's when they're young and attractive? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, we're all... Ken's sick. We have the plague. Dan is dying. I'm always dying.

So is everybody. Yeah. Blaine has pneumonia-ria. I do. It's like... It has a zipper up the back and it's smashing my city. Rhodes wanted everybody to know that he's on Christmas break, so he will not be introducing this show.

He's feeling that. Is he out of school yet? Yeah. He probably is like, I'm going to put my feet up and do nothing. Yeah, but he came in here with a little bit of attitude And he's wearing a onesie He's a shark onesie Whenever he's a jerk and he's dressed like a

Five year old I wear my coat dude I decided not to say anything He pulled out a shiv and stabbed me with like an old coke bottle He didn't twist it and break it off in you did he Huh Didn't twist it and break it off in you, did he? Huh? Didn't twist it and break it off inside you? Oh, well, yeah. It's fine.

Happy holidays. Yeah, you gotta bend them back and forth until they almost break. Then kink! That's what I learned when I was at Pleasant Valley for five. Long five. Every time people would give a lukewarm response to a Jimmy Pardo joke, he would always say,

that was a perfect joke. If you didn't like it, grab a bottle, break it on the counter, stab yourself in the neck with it. I love Jimmy Pardo. He's fantastic. Episode 37, right? Yeah. The first of 2018. Tonight, the adventure of the creepy campground.

Yeah, we're doing a danger room. This is just going to be like a bunch of scared little girls in the forest. Blaine will be playing the character of Stephanie. Hi. I don't think this joke is funny enough to do it two more times. That's okay. Gina told me, and she's a bitch. So, Blaine, if I may catch you up.

Oh, that's right. I was really sick this last one. Yeah, and I forgot my laptop at home, and I couldn't pull up the Patreon site. So I'm just going to say. You know, wouldn't it be more of a LARP top? We'll be right back. Thank you to all our loyal subscribers, especially.

A little fella who dangles in the end of my tongue every time I think of this game. It's a little hard at the base, a little hard at the tip, a little hard in between. Hard 24-7, doesn't have to go to the emergency room. There's the castle grace group. Ladies and gentlemen, Skeletor's dick. he lives in castle grace grope ladies and gentlemen skeletor stick um i should also throw out there that like uh i i can't wait to actually remember my laptop because there's a bunch of people who change their patreon name to like he-man's merkin and stuff like that oh hey you're back you okay You want to say anything?

You're just hugging me. I love you. I like your PJ's roads. He's a shark with Darth Vader feet. Bye, buddy. Christmas break is over. A cure song so you guys have rewound time to right before

Horo landed on the island you kind of waited on the beach to snag this bard up the first time you encountered him you just thought he was kind of weird and gross and he killed himself in the woods and you guys just kind of like were creeped out by it but it's been revealed that he is the last living descendant of this ancient vampire wizard called the demolith who has been sowing his blood through this post-apocalyptic

island to try to become a god he wants to fold the island in half and kind of make it collapse in a black hole and become like a god sure as you do yeah uh story of my life something i think that's particularly relevant is you're uh you're kind of just east of count amalegda's castle so you made it through some woods that you had dodged last time that you kind of teleported through with count amalegda's help that this time when you encountered him you you were like, no, you're dumb. And you just kind of like gave him the salute. And these guys, Blaine, encountered these things called crocas. They look like little bipedal iguanas with giant yellow light bulb eyes.

They wore robes and they cast a bunch of like blinding spells. Okay. And Brian knocked one out, lo looted its pockets threw it in a bag so that's something we haven't really done in a while did they look like the caretakers huh look like the caretakers uh they don't ruin it for blunt you guys don't Last Jedi it's such not a spoiler it's a spoiler I got really mad if like anyone tweeted

like a trailer I told you what happened to me I was in the theater waiting to watch the movie oh yeah they played a trailer and they showed a trailer they showed a trailer before the movie

of the movie I'm seeing which Jedi Last Jedi oh yeah so they they tried to spoil it I you know

I put my fingers in my ears and went nah nah, no, no. Had you not seen any trailers? Nothing. Wow. Yeah. How do you even do that? It's not easy.

And then the theater, you go to see the theater and they spoil it. What theater shows a trailer of the movie you're about to see? It was a commercial with the trailer. Oh, I see. They're talking about buying Coca-Cola and shit. Right. Stupid idiots. Yeah, there probably weren't a lot of stopgaps to avoid, something like that.

They were just like, if we could paint everything with The Last Jedi leading up to this movie, it needs to happen. Walt Disney's corpse kind of just, like, gave everyone the finger and said, you know, play it three times before Ferdinand, and everyone can deal with it no matter how scared they are. So, yeah, you've got a hostage. A little guy called Croca is in a bag. They looted his pockets, found a little magical skull, a little wooden

cockroach fetish. And you're, I think, trying to get out of the woods now, trying to kind of cross the gap between Count Amalegda's woods and the Lunar Elves woods. You've got Luovan with you. Okay. And she says, I'm starting to get a little nervous about bumping into myself and what that could... Can we do something about that? We can avoid ourselves. Well, I think we might be...

What does she have in mind? How would we avoid ourselves avoid her guys are like you guys have a little bit of a time gap between when you arrive but luovin lives in the woods that you're gonna go try to go underground right so what does she have in mind what would she like to do she doesn't know i mean physically touching or just seeing well her people believe it can cause horrible things so they have a lot of rules. Just seeing yourself? Yeah. Okay. So, you know, anything you can do to... I mean, she wants to talk.

Oh, my God. My ass does look huge in those jeans. She's hoping she can... I mean, these jeans. Oh, my God. Covering some sort of a sheet. Yeah. All right.

We'll cover her with something to cut eye holes in. Trick or treat with us. Like E.T. So you just kind of like what, make like a shawl that she can drape over her head? At least as a, you know, until we can get her away from herself. She goes, okay. And she pricks her finger and draws a sigil on her chest. That basically, to her people, means means like go away, she says.

Oh, okay. All right. But she wants to try to negotiate if you don't encounter her. Not overly dramatic at all. Well, yeah, her people feel really bad about causing the end of the world. It's totally okay. So they're trying to be very sensitive. The Republicans? Her people feel really bad about causing the end of the world. It's totally okay. So they're trying to be very sensitive.

The Republicans? Yeah. They're total remorseful Republicans, the Lunar Elves. Oh, that's a non-existent thing. In the fantasy games, you can try to like, it's really hard to suspend your disbelief but see if you can imagine somebody who votes the way their parents told them to no matter what all right uh sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry why do they talk about politics so uh the i voted for pat paulson

he hasn't won the last few years and that's the problem. And she also says we might want to... He's dead, isn't he? He is. But that really hasn't stopped anybody. I don't watch Pat Paulson. Oh, really? Do you have your map? Yeah. All right, I want to show you where you are.

But I'm talking about my Pat Paulson one. There's a very problematic video of Pat Paulson on the Blackface on the Griffin Show if anybody wants to check that out. You don't know who Pat Paulson is? No. Who is he? Who are you?

Someone from the 60s. Old-timey comedian. I was born in 78. He ran for office a lot. He was a political comic who... He had a very Buster Keaton-y kind of deadpan face. Oh, okay. I know who Buster Keaton is.

He's way older than Pat Paulson. You've got a strange hole in your history. I have a funny feeling that Buster Keaton is. He's way older than Pat Paulson. You've got a strange hole in your history. I have a funny feeling that Buster Keaton is much more famous than Pat Paulson. In some circles. So you guys are kind of right here. There's some hills and a gap. So we're sort of like at a Skeletor's gun. There's a gap.

I'm going to buy some jeans. I'm going to do some rolls for your NPC friends. I would like everyone to do a stealth check difficulty of 15, please. Look at your bonuses. Ask me if you don't know what it is because I have all your sheets on this laptop. All right. I have an 8. And?

Oh, I can't see because I don't have my glasses. Oh, really? Yeah. So an 8, whatever my bonus is. I can look see because I don't have my glasses. Oh, really? Yeah. I can look you up. Thank you. I think you're super stealthy, so that sounds right. What are we rolling for?

What's this check? Stealth. Stealth. Okay. I got 14 with my bonus. Cool. It's a little low, but... 15.

Hey, Bodie, what you got? I got 14 with my bonus. Cool. It's a little low. 15. Hey, Bodhi, what you got? You're not super stealthy, so you probably want to roll pretty high. No. Boink. Is that three pretty high? Plus.

What was it? You have a plus zero bonus to stealth. Oh, hi, guys. I was on my iPad playing Minecraft. I just wanted to say hi to you guys and happy new year. Say happy new year a little closer to the mic. Happy new year. Cool. Yay.

Thanks, buddy. People love it when you do a voice. You were playing Minecraft? I was playing Minecraft. Have you ever played against the Ender Dragon? I've never really been to the end yet. I haven't either. I'm not real good at it, but I played it when it was in beta a long, long time ago.

I only have like a plus two on there. You do have kind of a beta cock vibe. So you attract a little bit of attention. You make it through the plains a little bit. Is it my jean jacket with the cool British steel Judas Priest cover on the back? That draws a lot of attention, man. Two of the scouts are trying to stay ahead between trees, but at a crucial moment,ode you step on just like a little it's not a botch right you just

you just kind of your foot kind of gets extra scratchy against a rock and just kind of goes and you're like okay i made a lot of noise um everybody roll a perception check. A difficulty of 10. Not too hard. Oh, my God. You're eating like 12 cough drops. And an 18. Five.

Ten. Ten. Okay. So a couple of you guys notice there's some sort of humanoid form at the edge of a patch of trees kind of waiting in the shadows. Great. Is there any sort of way to see if it's, do a scarab check on it? Sure. Or is it too far away? No, I don't think so.

I'll pull out the scarab. Oh, no, it's not that far away. It's about 200 yards away. Okay. You bust out the scarab, and it's a little faint because it is far away, but you see just wisps of red. Red. Okay.

You guys believe that to mean undead. Red, red, undead. Fordmire says, I don't know if they remember us. Do we want to? I don't know why that sounds like LZ Falcon Crow. I don't know if we want to confront them. I don't know. What do you guys want to do?

Woven's like, that's not good. We're not undead. If they remember us. Fordmire and the Woven are like, I don't think anyone's going to remember us. Ford Meyer and LeWoven are like, I don't think anyone's going to remember us. Horro didn't remember. Got it. So.

Well, what's our choice? Turn, go around them? You could try to go around them. You could ignore them. You could approach them. What do you say, fellas? I say we ignore them. Let's just keep moving

so you keep moving and as you kind of get perpendicular to this guy and he's on your immediate left he kind of disappears into the shadows seemingly deliberately because you just got a little bit closer to him you make it just a little bit farther when

you see something that looks a bit like a little parade. You see a carriage with nothing pulling it, wheeling forward, and there are eight beings marching in front of it. They're not pulling the carriage. A little parade meaning small in stature or small in people? They're not small in stature. They're pretty big. And as you get past a bunch of trees, they sort of come into view,

and they look like they're headed towards you deliberately. All right. What do they look like? Unsettling. You wanted to do Perceptor Checker difficulty a 10. Stat to deliver. 15. So, Tom, you go, oh, those are some of Barris' guards.

You recognize there's eight of them, and six of these guys are those 10-foot-tall Katie Dids with human faces. Right. And so they're on our side. Our old friends, Barris. They don't remember you, you don't think. Oh. You rewind they're on our side. Our own friends. They don't remember you, you don't think. Oh. You rewound them before you met Barris.

Right, yeah. So. Funny thing, we're friends in the future. It moves. They kind of come to a stop behind you, and one of them that you don't recognize starts running towards you. It appears to be a human with an owl head.

Oh, you're one of Barris's men. He stops. We remember you. Have we met? Yes, once before. I don't remember you. We're good friends with Barris. Ken, I'm giving you a double thumbs up

and going, good job! Good, good, good, go, go, go! He kind of rolls his big eyes and cracks his neck. You realize he's very muscular. He's not wearing a shirt. He's wearing a loincloth. Well, hello.

He looks like some kind of escort. And he says, we are here on behalf of the governor. We understand you took a very important person from the docks that we had specific plans for. We had hoped while watching you that you were taking him to Count Amalegda's castle as you were invited to. However, it appears you have your own plan for some reason. We would like to discourage this and encourage you to hand over the bard immediately. And he looks at you, Tui, and says, not you. He looks at Horo and says, you.

Oh, for a minute there, I thought you were talking about me, the bard. Oh, for a minute there, I thought you were talking about me, a bard. I think we're going to just head on our way. We're actually doing this with Count Barriss' blessings. So you're probably not high enough in his army to know about this. Charisma, charisma, charisma. Oh, okay. Actually, that's a great point.

Why don't you guys do a charisma check? Difficulty of 18. Five plus. According to this sheet, your charisma bonus, Tom, is plus five. That's a no. Do we? My charisma is 18, which is pretty low. But I did roll a 20.

Oh, shit. I rolled a 19. So, yeah, you boys talk to me. Oh, great. I could have worked on my charisma. So he kind of gulps a little bit, and his feathers stand on end in a weird way, the way an owl does when it's cold or it's molting

and he kind of shakes his head and says very well please wait here I will confer with Count Barriss and he walks back to the carriage to the carriage Barriss old buddy. Let's run.

Yeah. Yeah, we should like, hey, what's over there? And then just beat feet in the opposite direction. Well, I'm glad that worked out all right. We'll talk to you later. How do you guys want to handle this? Do you want to have a tactic for making a break for it? I feel like this is an opportunity to do more than just run.

Yeah. I mean, I'm baiting you, obviously. He's not going to remember us. Correct. But you guys know a lot of tricks and stuff. Yeah, I almost don't want to deal with him, though. Wow. So no distractions nothing you're just gonna

you're just gonna fart and run I don't have any like phantasmal spells or anything just curious if we gave you the bard he stops and turns around what would you give us he says bard. He stops and turns around. What would you give us?

He says, I see you have one of the fallen elves with you. I have no interest, and neither does Count Barriss in dealing with friends of those foul creatures. I assume you're going to visit them. However, you cannot take the bard. If you did

give us the bard, you could go on your way we're not afraid of you any of this yeah hey you know what we're gonna we're gonna keep keep going but thanks you say that yeah any kind of a spell of illusion so you say that and he snaps his fingers and uh the katydids all kind of come to attention. They've all got pole arms. They all start hovering with their wings about, you know, just a foot over the ground and they start booking it towards you. There's six of them. And then there's another humanoid with an owlbear head that sort of runs

behind them. head that sort of runs behind them. You also see the carriage door starts to glimmer, and you suspect that some sort of protection spell has been cast on the carriage. Okay. Huh. So we're going to attack, I guess. God damn it. Fucking assholes.

Roll for initiative oh i've rolled another 20 at one so i'm first 11 all right cool so this is gonna be uh tweet what did you get i got a a 20. Oh, shit. Okay. It's going to be Blaine. Yeah, these loaded dice are great. You guys should get some of these. I roll 20s every time.

Sorry, I called you bye-bye. Okay. Can't. All right. What are you going to do? You rolled higher than the bug people and the owlbears. I'm going to... One of the owlbear minotaurs is kind of like... You were just talking to him.

He's kind of jogging up to you, but he's almost in melee range. Okay. Well, I'm going to do the thing where I sort of hover off the ground a little bit, too. And I'm probably going to... I think I'm just going to hit him with a... I think I'm just going to hit him with a... I think I'm just going to firebolt him. Okay. Yeah, let's do a couple of bolts.

They're all going to roll a saving throw. What are these? No. Sorry. Yes. No. Yes. D10s.

D10s. Yes. no yes yes so you hit two of them Blaine why don't you roll for damage please 24 okay so are you just sort of trying to aim for the group with this thing why don't you roll for damage please 24 okay so are you just sort of trying to aim for the group

with this thing yeah I was just kind of going for whoever was closest to me the guy in melee range oh okay are you just trying to toast him I was going to unload on him yeah oh great well let me roll again for him I thought you were aiming for the group don't know why

he what's your wisdom my wisdom is 14 yeah so he uh he manages to kind of duck to the side oh okay got it uh foreign meyer runs up and he's going bare um he uh he manages to transform and land on top of the guy who's running at you, but he misses his bite. The guy just really deftly just sort of wiggles out of the way. These guys look like cartoon wrestlers from the 40s. They're just super wiggly. Brian, you're up.

Okay, I'm going to rage. I wish you would. Who is this against? The closest guy? The guy that Foran Myers got pinned? Yeah. Okay. 11 on him.

Does that work or no? Yeah, he's pinned. Cool. Roll for damage please. I automatically assume that you have lit your sword on fire. Yeah. 7 plus fire and... What's the fire damage on that? Plus 2. Yeah, okay, cool.

Okay, so you stab him right in the clavicle and he gurgles. Clavicle! He's got a lot more health left. I have more stabbing left. And so you do. Roll for damage, please. That was a very festive dice jump. Seven again. Plus two fire. Great. So you stab

at him again and he tries to dodge this time because he sees what you're doing, but he totally fails. Cool. The other guys catch up to you. They close the distance on their turn. It looks like they're all going to melee you guys. Ken, you're up. I'm going to at least sort of – oh, Fort Myers on one of the guys, right?

Okay. Then I'm going to cast fireball. Okay. Okay. What? Who are you aiming for? Just the crowd? The guy who's closest is on the ground.

You're going to have to do sort of an aim roll if you want to. You've got Bodhi stabbing him and he's pinned down by four. Yeah, I'm going to avoid hurting any of my own. You're going to go for the crowd? Yeah, I guess so. Okay. Do-de-do.

We are rolling to see who gets stuck in the face with some bernie times um uh these guys do a much worse job perhaps because uh you were trying to uh she hit them with a fireball from closer uh your aim was better let's just say then then then poor blaine you know it's a tragic story with that attempt to shoot them. What can I do? And yeah, roll for damage, please. Okay, bro, that's 13. 13? Okay.

So I will roll to see how that gets split up. Hey, Blaine, would you be so kind? Oh, uh this stop set brought to you by Intimid's Donuts. The snack that fits on your dick. Intimid's.

So you go fidush. The only snack that fits on your dick. There's lots of snacks that fit on your dick. It hit six of them. You can also just rub the Danish all over you. Just on it. There's lots of snacks to put in your bag. It hit six of them. Awesome. You can also just rub the Danish all over you. Just rub it. Rub it all over you.

Edmonds. And yeah, they halt for a second. The elves were trying to load up their bows and arrows and they were not expecting these guys to close the distance so fast. So they all put their arrows in their bow, and they kind of go like, oh, fuck.

And a couple of them try to shoot, but a couple others straight up drop their bow and arrow and grab whatever stabbing weapons they have because they can tell that these guys are too fast and got too close. So one of these guys rushes and hits the

owlbear guy. He just can't squirm out of the way and hits him for, let's see, what is that? Who's fast these guards that you encounter the katie did people and the owlbear minotaur dude runs real fast okay so um yeah uh this guy stabs at the the owlbear guy and bloodies him up a little bit but not like bloody as in like he's almost dead like just you see a little splash of red um and uh

Blaine you're up uh I'm going to uh polymorph the guy the owlbear guy which the one pinned to the ground or the one that just got stabbed a little bit uh the one that I was dealing with so he was the one yeah he was in the group okay I'm going to do a little bit. The one that I was dealing with. So he was the one. Yeah, he was in the group.

Okay, I'm going to do a little polymorph on that guy. Cool. And I'm going to change him into a owl with a human head. Alright, he's gonna attempt to save.

And nope. So all of a sudden, you see a little switcheroo, and the head is way too big for the owl to even... It doesn't look like he knows how to use his wings even, and so he just kind of goes head over ass and just thunks against the ground and goes unconscious. Okay. Because these guys were tall, and he fell a nice good distance

because his body shrank up to where his neck was. Okay, I'm going to stop flying long enough to land on him with both feet. Okay. Can I do that just to finish him off? I'm going to say... Maybe I'll do it next round. Yeah, like you're doing it. I'll say you're like right above him.

Yeah. I just want to make sure I've got the follow through happening. Vorenmeyer tries to bite the guy. He's got him down again. Can't, can't get him. You're up, Brian. Who's closest? You've got six giant 10 foot tall katydid soldiers and an owlbear uh about

10 feet to your right and then you've got a guy right at your feet owlbear head uh pinned to the ground the owlbear head guy actually that was over there is now on the ground unconscious okay uh i've got one pinned to the ground. Vorenmeyer is pinning him to the ground for you, and you've been stabbing him. He's been trying to bite him, and it hasn't been working. Is there any way of doing a final kill shot on him since he's pinned? He's ripped.

He doesn't look like... He's resisting being completely eviscerated by you. Huh. He's got really high deiscerated by you. Huh. He's got really high dexterity, as they say. What's a savage attack? Boy, oh boy. I'm going to look that up for everybody. I wish we had a sponsor right now.

Who would sponsor a savage attack? Oh, a savage attack brought to you by Prongles. Hey, who can afford Pringles in this economy? Sour cream and beef and moogoo guy pan. Mmm, Prongles. It's a snack that comes in a tennis ball can. Dan? When you score a critical hit with a melee weapon attack,

you can roll one of the weapon's damage dice one additional time and add it to the extra damage Now I really want some new good guy pants. So your crits are extra amazing I'm just gonna give my normal Raging Herald of Kelmar. He's screeching at you, by the way. He's going, scree! It's 11 on him. Scree!

Again, that works, right? Yep. Damn it. Are these guys undead? You get the feeling that on some level they're undead. It's weird undead. They're alive. But they're dead some level they're undead. So eight on him. It's weird undead. They're alive.

Okay. But they're dead. Like they're undead. Yes. Or unalive. Dead alive. And then a 15. Cool.

15. Plus 20 or plus seven. Yeah. All right. So you just straight up stab him in the shoulder and you feel some uh tendon kind of rip in his arm as you do it and then uh another uh six cool uh you really you realize by the way that Gago is not around he's got eyes on Gago

this is going to be a long fight possibly there's some other way I wish Barris would just let us go can we talk to him? Barris? Yeah. He's locked up in his carriage.

We can yell at him while we're fighting. I'm going to actually approach him on my next turn. Okay. You can yell something now if you want. I want to get closer to him. All right. You can yell something now if you want. I want to get closer to him. Alright. So these guys go after

Let me look and see where everybody is exactly. So they're just going to lay into some elves. They want to reduce the damage on them. So one of them attacks and hits an elf. The old elf here. Sorry to make you guys have a grueling, awful, bloody fight for the New Year's episode. It's okay. I just feel like we shouldn't have to fight these guys.

Have to. Get to. So one of them swings their polearm down on an elf and kind of cuts his throat a little bit. Okay. Elf just sort of hits the throat a little bit. Elf just sort of hits the ground. Another guy.

Jeff! Swings and misses. Another guy swings and misses. Another guy hits. Another guy loses his neck. And oop. Yep. Three dead elves.

Neck wrecking. Oh, man. Tom, you're up. I will... I think I'm going to go with the old Firebolt again. Go for it. Wait, is that a cantrip? Yeah. Okay.

I'm looking. Yes, okay. Nice. Which ones are you aiming for? They're all kind of in melee range now. By the way, I went to Universal CityWalk and took a picture on the Fast and Furious ride. A little quote. It says, I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

Dominic Toretto, parentheses Vin Diesel. It's like my name almost. It's weird. That is weird. I wonder if you like... Wait, it's what? It's Dominic Toretto? Dominic Toretto. And my name's Tom T's weird. That is weird. I wonder if you like... Wait, it's what? It's Dominic Toretto? Dominic Toretto.

And my name's Tom Toretto? What a weird coincidence. That's crazy. And he lives his life... How many? A quarter mile at a time. A quarter mile at a time. And I live my life a quarter...

What am I in the... 30 feet, I think. 30 feet at a time, right. For a D&D character. But what's that? That's so fucking weird that it's coming out of nowhere. That's crazy. What are the chances? How many Fast and

Furious movies are there? Like two? Don't you have a magical Nelvin Honda of speed? Man, a bunch of them. I guess that's new. Maybe they listen to the podcast. The Fast and the Furiouses? Yeah. Hey, shout out

to all the Fast and the Furiouses out there. The 73 people who write that movie. Are you a Fast or the Furiouses? Yeah. Shout out to all the Fast and the Furiouses out there. The 73 people who write that movie. Are you a Fast or a Furious? Find out next issue of Tiger Beat. I will do a 10. Great. So, yep, you just nail a dude for 10 burning damage. But his carapace seems to just kind of poof.

His exoskeleton. Seems like maybe fire doesn't do a ton of damage. Sorry about the damage, dude. Blaine, you are up. I'm going to flutter down and grab the owl, the unconscious dude, by the head and just sort of start floating over towards Barris'. They're not going to let you just do that, so I'm going to see if they can kind of notice. They notice. Let's see if they can do anything about it.

Nope. Oh, okay. But like three of them look over at you and are like, and you get it and you start zipping over. Yeah, I'm just going to zip over with those guys. Brian, you're up. I'm going to use fast movement, and I'm just going to dodge them and run right at bears.

Okay. And get as close as I can to him. Go for it. Do I have to roll anything, Professor? Look that up since you don't know. You fuck. Why would I? Thank God for D&D Beyond.

Holy mackerel. Fast movement is brought to you by... Oh, I did some really bad commercials Hey, Blaine, what's this fart brought to you by? I'm so sorry. Oh, New Jersey's favorite hostile supply store, Bed Bath & Bayonne. Sorry, I happened to move you. Great. So, yeah, technically you can't do this when you've got heavy armor,

but I'm going to... I've used it before. Yeah, so I'm not going to... I'm just realizing it now. Yeah, you start booking it over. What do you want to say? Anything yet? Yeah. You get about halfway there this turn. I want to tell him we're on a mission from a different version of, from a future version of him.

That it sounds crazy, but he also should know that this island is magical. That's not the first time anybody's ever said that. They sound crazy, but it's true. We're trying to destroy a bad guy before he destroys the whole island and, and, and kills Barriss because Barriss died in another life. Are you saying it in a slightly hostile way or a slightly placating way?

Just in a, hey brother, this is just Bodhi telling you like it is. Why would I lie, brother? Roll a 20 with no bonus. Sounds crazy, right? 12 plus, what would my bonus be no but no bonus for persuasion okay uh you get a plus three for intimidation but uh you decided to be nice um nothing happens yet uh oh hello text message So Titanic hits iceberg I took the news off of this thing

They choose not I just turned it back on and it's getting old To go after you Bodhi They seem focused on the group Uh oh Uh oh on the group. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Let's get more dice. That's not good.

So one of the Katie Dead people wheels around and tries to go after Tui. And when he does it, he does a moulinet where he spins his polearm and he cuts into his own leg and goes like, fuck.

The little mandibles in his human mouth kind of shudder. And the other guy's miss. Nice. You're up, Twee. Am I getting closer to the carriage? Yes.

Can I see anybody in the carriage? There are curtains drawn. There's windows on either side. Okay, I'm going to kind of hold the head up and sort of go up and tap the door of the carriage with the head. All right. Nothing happens yet. Brian, you're up.

Or wait, no. Here, let me look. I think I got the order wrong. It's probably me. Yeah, yeah. You are. It's you well oh so uh where am i am i close to him yet uh you're you're closer um you could you got to

keep running to catch up with twee sure oh sure because Oh, sure. Because he's flying or levitating. How far away was Barriss? He's now like 30 feet away from you. Okay, cool. Well, I'm going to keep booking towards him. Are you going to shout anything else this time? Only that he should call off his guys. We don't want to fight his guys.

We're actually here on a mission from him and he needs to understand that he needs to understand that all right uh nothing happens for you yet with the carriage um an elf gets wounded pretty bad but but he doesn't die. Okay. Um, Tom, you're up. Tom, you notice off to your right that foreign Meyer has ripped the throat out of the,

uh, owl bear dude. That's good. Um, let's see. Well, who's, who's standing still?

How many of these guys are still there? You haven't really hurt the Katie Did dudes yet. They're just kind of carving through all your elves. How many of them were there? Six. One has his back shield off at least. Yeah, one of them did turn to face tweet and botched. Shoot him.

So go for it. With Firebolt? Yeah. Whoops. Eight. Kind of goes poof against his armor. It doesn't really seem to hurt him much. Blaine, you're up.

How far away are the uh those are the katydids from the you're now like 100 yards away from the melee combat you're right by the carriage okay it's still kind of shimmering you feel like there's some kind of spell cast against it it's visible the carriage all right The carriage. All right. And is anybody coming towards me? No. One of them who was facing you just got nailed in the back of the firebolt and you see him kind of look over his shoulder back at Tom. I'm going to look at the carriage and say, hey, I'll be right back. Okay. I'm going to fly over to the nearest Katie did I can get to.

That'll be my. Are you still holding an unconscious owl with a human head? Of course I am. Okay. I'm going to say the guy who is now distracted but was headed towards you you can get to next turn. If you want to be in melee range.

Brian, you're up. I don't even know what I'm rolling. Oh boy. No, I'm still talking. I'm going towards not an attack. No, no.

Well, that's true. You didn't call who you're attacking. I mean, Brian just rolled a January. It's just for fun. Yeah. So it's still talking to him. January. For fun. Yeah, so... It's like skateboarding.

I'm still talking to him. So what is he doing? Right now, the curtains are still drawn on the carriage, and no one inside has acknowledged you. Right. Well, I keep... You're up to the carriage now, too. I ask him again to please call off his men and that we're not here to fight him.

We're actually on a mission from him. And I can explain everything. Rule of 20. Nine. The door kind of pops. It opens up, and you see Count Barriss sitting in there with another vampire. Who is it? Count Diendel, the bard who played George Michael songs.

I don't remember. It's Count Diendel. He's a caster, bard. he's he's a caster bard uh um and uh veris says uh what is this about another version of me well how do i explain this to him blaine do you want it where uh bode's not the smartest guy and I've got to do some complex storytelling here I'm going to roll something else that's happening behind you while you think about this so he's at the carriage

he's sitting in the carriage with Count Diner Bodhi's at the carriage you're leaving the carriage. We were told... Oh, I thought there was nobody in the carriage with me. We were told that the only way... We were on a mission to destroy the Demolith

from Count Barriss. Count Dying Bell's eyebrow twitches when you say you're going to destroy the Demolith. We went to fight him and we... Barriss and all his vampire friends are killed and we uh found out that uh the only way to defeat him was to go back in time uh through these caves and uh on the island and when we came back up, we would find Horo, this guy that sort of set off this apocalypse on the island.

So both these guys are glaring you, and neither of them look impressed. Well, right, because I kind of shuffled it up. We're still kind of going through a slow-mo version of this. Don't stress too much yet. So you roll a 13. Yep. So you say all that, and Count Diendel's eyes kind of go back to Count Barris

to see how he's reacting, and Count Barris says, prove it. How? You tell me. I don't like game shows. I don't like puzzle games we went to your castle you have all these creatures that you've created we've met you let us use these katydids that are fighting ours right now we use these guys as mounts. And yeah. Oh, do I have any armor from him?

He looks at you and he says, where did you get those pauldrons? They're from you. Those are behind a locked door in my castle. Yeah, you gave them to us so we could fight the Demolith. Prove you're not a thief. Is it the craziest story you've ever heard? Why would I tell? 100%.

Why would I make that up? All of a sudden you hear a loud bang. None of you were facing her, but Luovan has been levitating. And you look over and she is casting something with her hands and all of a sudden the katydids all fall to the ground unconscious uh so that was good yeah uh count dyandel kind of like looks out of the door count barris squints his eyes and count dyandel says uh you haven't heard him talk yet by the way he just played a song uh and then attacked you so uh count dyandel says um why did it no uh he says why are you listening to him and uh uh barons

uh punches count dinedale in the face really have we seen this dinedale guy before yeah yeah you you encountered him in the woods and killed him, he cast a lot of area of effect spells as they called it in World of Warcraft back in the day, that's why I always think of it he, a lot of large like he can make tentacles grow out of the ground

cast a withering spell but he gets knocked unconscious Count Barriss gets out of the carriage. Says, is this the first time you've drawn blood against my people? Be honest. No.

You're going to have to roll. We did before we met you. You say this is another time. Have you visited the drow or this lunar bitch? What is... Yeah. Am I close now?

Can I walk up to them? You can walk up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys have disengaged from combat. Right. Yeah, I... Luovan keeps her distance. I suspected that you might be interested in saving the world so we sort of worked out a deal

to work with you how is this world worth saving it's broken into a million pieces well we can restore it to a better world. Who told you that was possible? LeVar Burton. Reading Rainbow? He says, oh yeah, it contributed to that GoFundMe. Why don't you take a look? It's in a book. Reading Rainbow.

So roll a, anyone who wants to try to convince this guy is going to have to do a persuasion check difficulty of 16. Holy shit. Holy shit. I believe this happened last time you encountered Count Barris. You rolled a fucking critical success. That's how he stopped attacking in his castle. So what does Tom DiRetto say to Count Barris? So what does Tom DiReto say to Count Barris?

That convinces him that you've heard somewhere that this is possible, that you can save the world. I mean, you know, you can lie and he won't know because you just fucking critted this bitch. I'm sorry I keep saying bitch. I just... I'm tired. I'm going to have some more Diet Coke. Trust me.

I know you're not feeling well. If you could just do a little, if you could lean into the diesel a little more. Come on, you're my brother. Trust me. I got a 22. Oh, you did? Yeah. What do you say?

Come on. We're brothers. Let's have an adventure together. We're on this mission. Like, it would be crazy for you not to trust us. You we're on this mission it would be crazy for you not to trust us you sent us on this mission I don't know how else to convince you you convinced us that this was doable that's how we knew we could talk to you

a long time ago he he's had his hand on the hilt of his sword and he kind of puts it back in I can't believe we both got fucking sweaty yeah He's had his hand on the hilt of his sword, and he kind of puts it back in. I can't believe we both got fucking 20s. Yeah. No shit.

You guys have gotten so lucky with Count Barriss. He's got this fucking insane sword that I just was like, oh, man, there could be some serious player deaths. Well, I thought the Katie dids were going to get everybody. You lost at least half of your little party. Great. You already killed some of our elves. Thanks. You killed two of my children. He says, trust the lunar elves.

I think they're disgusting, but I think they're disgusting because they offer me hope. They broke this world. Yes, they they did they're trying to mend it that's why we're working with them if you go to the cave in the lunar elves forest you can find the heart of the island i don't know if you guys ever saw lost it's it's not like that don't worry i was i stopped after the first season but uh it's it might be difficult to get there once you're underground, but the place where the Demolith started many of his spells is not far from there.

All right, that's a good tip. Let's do it. He leans up against the carriage and says, I'm going to lock my kin in this carriage. I can't look at him anymore. And he shuts the carriage. And he says, I want this to end quickly. I hope you succeed.

And he just starts walking. You see there's some mountains and some forest. He walks between them. He doesn't want to go in the woods where the gross lunar elves are. He just leaves the other guy? That's awesome. He leaves his katydids on the ground.

He's magically locked Count Diendel in the carriage. Let's head to the heart of the island. Before we leave, I go, hey, Count Barras. He looks over his shoulder. Yeah. He tosses the unconscious head with the owl body on it. Roll a dexterity check.

Difficulty 15. 14. It lands with a thud at his feet. He kind of tries to reach out and just kind of awkwardly is like just out of his reach and he goes, he's fine. It's fine. He picks him up and just starts walking.

I'm going to give him the double guns thumbs up. Thanks, Mean Joe. Yeah, a little thanks, Mean Joe, and some Mentos to the camera. Fresh maker move. You see Forenmeyer turn back into elf form. He's really fucked up. He looks like he got hit by the Katie Did soldiers a few times.

And they throw healing on him? Yeah. I want your roll to see how much you heal him Ah So I'm going to do a quick healing spell Hey Ken I finally saw We'll just talk about bullshit

I finally saw It Oh yeah I forgot were you one of the ones that liked it Or did you not love it You didn't love it I like parts of it but mostly not happy with it I gotta read it again Cause I read it

So long ago And so when I read When I saw the old TV It's fairly true They changed some characters around Yeah Um The Richie kid was good

The kid from uh Stranger Things Stranger Things I thought he was good Playing like kind of a dick Yeah You know like Kid who can't shut up

You know the way Richie was In the book Yeah yeah Um I don't know I thought the kids were all good the way Richie was in the book. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I thought the kids were all good. I liked Sarsgaard. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. That's a really hard thing to top.

Oh, yeah. Have you seen Wormwood yet? He's pretty good. No. It's a weird show, but he's pretty good. He's a good actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much so.

The scares, man. The scares were pretty good. I thought the effects were good. It's the new kind of, you knowutter jump yeah oh yeah but I thought they went they took that like to a level I hadn't seen before there were a couple of things where the payoff was like you know they they showed these jump scares from the trailer yeah and in the trailer they just seemed like jump scares but then actually see them seeing And in the trailer, they just seemed like jump scares, but then when I actually seen them in the movie,

there was a little more to it. A little context to it. Yeah, and I liked both of them. I didn't hate it. I liked it more watching it. I just didn't love it like everybody else did. I felt like it needed to be. Yeah, I mean, I waited so damn long

because I didn't think it was going to be great. The movie I wanted to see was everything that happened up to the title. So the opening scene and all that. Oh, yeah. You see the pipe and you see it. Yeah. All of that happened up to the title. So the opening scene and all that. Oh, yeah. You see it. All of that was perfect. Yeah, Georgie was so good. That little cool little guy. Yeah, it's just

finally now on Amazon. Oh, I'll watch it on Amazon for sure. That's why I watched it. How is it Billy Crystal? I don't mean to brag, but I have... Right? Holy Crystal? What are you even thinking of? Like, what movie are you getting wrong?

Oh, sorry, sorry. I'm thinking of Rabbit Test. Oh, Jesus Christ. My pancreas coming through. Never mind. I was just going to say... Is that the Joan Rivers movie she wrote? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's this woman I work with. She works in, like, creative affairs part of DC that works on, like, movies. And so, Kim Roberto. She's really, really cool. She works in creative affairs part of DC that works on movies. Kim Roberto. She's really, really cool. She's a big nerd. She plays Star Wars pencil and paper game at work after hours. She dressed as

it, Pennywise, for Halloween. She did full latex prosthetics and fake teeth and eye contacts. Went to the DC Mad Magazine Halloween party with a balloon and just didn't like eye contacts. Went to the DC Mad Magazine Halloween party with a balloon and just didn't speak to anyone. Just like lurked behind potted plants

and like committed for five hours. Just did not drop her character. She was so, my wife and I were both just like, that is the coolest person we've ever seen. They probably thought she was hired for the party. They did, but we didn't know who it was. And then on Facebook the next day, I saw that she had like posted the latex process. That's the coolest person we've ever seen. They probably thought she was hired for the party. They did. Well, we didn't know who it was. And then on Facebook the next day, I saw that she had posted the latex process.

That's great. She's actually sort of a spider. I don't know if you ever came to my old house. I don't think you were here. You know my old house. Yeah, with the white picket fence. I knew you back then, but yeah. So I would occasionally stand

out there and not just during Halloween but I would stand in my own yard just wearing a Michael Myers mask and no pants no underwear no no fully clothed but there's there's constantly cars going by so So I would just stand there and you'd hear people kind of pump their brakes a little like, oh my God, did I just... That rule. Just standing behind, like Michael would do in that kind of neighborhood,

but committing to it. Did you worry about the cops showing up? Nothing ever happened. I'm in my own yard too. Yeah, that's the worst that can happen. All I would say is I was just fucking with people. Well, yeah, the cops are going to... I'm fucking with people. Michael Myers is standing in someone own yard too all I would say is well yeah the cops are gonna Michael Myers is standing in someone's yard I'll tell you what's really

terrifying is I would stand in my yard dressed like Mike Myers so I'm just gonna give a just blurt out notes for the love guru isn't that the gag from um baby driver the

it's not a spoiler the movie's a year old the michael myers uh mike myers thing oh is there somebody gets the wrong masks they get trailer oh okay i didn't i didn't see it he was an austin powers man yeah they get austin powers mask when they were supposed to get Michael Myers mask. You said Mike Myers. So you guys see that the bear is a stuntman. So I'm a joke thief. No, that's not what I was saying.

I'll be that guy. Absolutely, you're a joke thief. You stole from a trailer you never saw. Your whole act, I've seen your stand-up, is just a rip-off of John Candy. Listen, I've seen your stand-up, is just a ripoff of John Candy. Listen, I'm going through some tough times, you guys. I can't stop my leg. I can't. I just can't stop my leg.

I thought that was the least funny thing I'd ever seen as a kid. I saw him do that on SNL. Oh, wait, hey. The blues thing. Oh, thank you, Lord. Stop. Oh, there it goes again. It's Robert Klein, right? It's a Robert Klein bit. I like a lot of classic bits, but that bit

just as a teenager, I was just like that is the fucking opposite of funny. He was one of those guys who just acted like he was funny. I loved SNL back then, but I remember seeing that gag and going, no, no. I don't know if it was the blues thing or just that it was him. I don't know, but that gag never worked for me.

SNL has a very strange relationship with music-based sketches. Yeah. I mean, I remember kids loving – He's more Cabal. I remember kids loving the Blues Brothers. I thought Beyonce and Samurai Delicatessen was pretty good. That was the wrong age for a Cabal station.

When they sang, I was like, this is not for a 12-year-old. When the Blues Brothers came out, the movie was awesome. But when they would perform, you liked those songs? Yep. I listened to the album over and over again. I went to see them perform. I was going to metal already at then.

So I was just like, what is this? It got me into like Sam and Dave. I hate everything. Did you see it with Belushi? What? Performing live

at the Amphitheater. Really? When? What year? Steve Martin opened. Whoa. Are they open for Steve Martin? Is that like 76 or something? It sounds like they would open for Steve Martin, right? I think so. I think they would open for Steve Martin. Wow, that's amazing.

Unless he opened. When was King Tut? Because he might have opened just with King Tut and then the Blues Brothers went on. I don't remember. Huh. I saw both of those. I saw Steve Martin and Blues Brothers separately too. That is crazy No I loved them

I loved King Tut and I loved Steve Martin and I loved Blues Brothers when they would talk But once they started singing And that rubber biscuit thing I just Hated that song Carrie Fisher was so great in Blues Brothers.

Yeah. She's so cute and still really sexy in that movie. And so, yeah. What? No, it's the sexy part. Sure. She's got a machine gun. They're like totally submissive and totally the way I like it.

So we're over time. Yeah, way over. I'll give you guys just a little closing thing. Sure. You see Barriss walking in the trail of the carriage. It's just dead meat. Looks like they were just chucking bones out of the window while they traveled from, you presume, Barriss' castle or something.

And you eat it? Huh? They were eating people and throwing you see what looks like a pelvis and a leg of a human male

twitching on the ground that was episode 37 thanks for listening Thanks for listening to another episode Of Nerd Poker You can follow us at Patreon.com slash Nerd Poker

And you get bonus episodes from there And you can also Send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.