Nerd Poker - Episode 37 - Pink Ribbons

Episode Date: October 24, 2018

Our heroes take a quick breather in the lobby of the "God Slayer" building of the old moon prison. And why not take a breather, they've earned it! Unfortunately, their attempts to exit the building may be slowed by the former tenants of the basement, who aren't huge fans of their confinement.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 2. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 37. Hey, friends. All my friends are here. Hi. Chris. Happy Halloween. Sarah. Ken. Dan. Hi. Chris. Happy Halloween. Sarah.

Ken. Hi, Chuck. Dan. Hey, baby. Blaine. Hey, hi. Don't ever. Oh, yeah.

And Sam down at the end of the table. Hi, guys. Hey, Sam. Any business to take care of? Yeah, I mean. Keyboard cat. Remember that? Remember that before everything went wrong? Back in the day

when we could be amused by a silly little animal having its paws forced to bang on a musical instrument? That was after 9-11. Can you believe that? Can you believe we were able to feel joy after that? Hey guys, you remember when David Bowie died? No. Wasn't that great? It, guys, you remember when David Bowie died? No.

Wasn't that great? It was great, wasn't it? Comparatively? I'm going to thank some Patreons. Thank you, Vorpal Botch. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Voodoo Beef. Thank you.

That's two VBs in a row. What are the initials? Did they spell something out, Dan? Voodoo Beef? It's all one word. Initials V. Also, thank you, Wandering Sphincter. And last but not least.

That's the Wanda Sykes cover band. Or Palladino's this weekend. Oh, you're right. Last but not least, thank you, Wiffle Diffle 69. Nice. 69. You guys are on the moon and you're in prison, you wiffle diffle 69 nice you guys are on the moon and you're in prison you excited about being on the moon you excited about being in prison because you is

it's the apocalypse and you guys are trying to stop it you're on the moon trying to retrieve a cosmic being what were you just singing a little song okay cool I have short attention span I didn't want to miss the beautiful song you're trying to break out this cosmic being named uh jen radina you haven't decided what you're going to do with her yet and you haven't quite figured out where she is but you're sort of running around in the middle of a prison break you are currently if you have your

maps ready uh in the southwest ziggurat of the main structure. You know those orange waves are sort of energy fields, and those corner squares are large, square-like structures, and each of those contain very specialized beings. You're in the southwest one where they keep godslayers, and you're in there with a couple of guards. You just got inside the building. You slam the door behind you. And all the roaring noise of battle as guards and mages fight these extremely powerful beings

kind of got quiet, magically quiet, as the door shut behind you. And you've been kind of quizzing these guards. You've been trying to get as much info out of these guards as you can. So if you guys need me to do a little recap of what you know so far, I can help you out or you haven't really looked around yet. Can I ask a map question to start? Is this online

so people know what we're talking about when we talk about the map? Yeah. Okay, cool. It will be by the time this episode airs. The Patreons have it. I haven't given it to the public yet. That's up to you and airs. The Patreons have it. I haven't given it to the public yet. Well, that's up to you and your Lord. The green lines indicate

underground. Correct, sir. That's what I wanted to clarify. So black is above ground and green is below ground. Thanks for asking that. Yeah. I didn't know that. And I think one of you, either Ken or you, Chris, have been marking up the buildings as you go.

Maybe we both have. Cool. So some of it's filled out, and you might want to let Sarah take a peek at it. I'm really proud of you guys. Good job. Look at this. I know at a certain point I did a really hard wink, like, all right, you might want to keep some of these notes, you guys.

And they were like, why is your eye twitching? Do you have Lyme disease? And I was like, nope, it's time to write some things down there. Would you like Lyme disease and I was like nope it's time to write some things down there I love having Lyme disease no I don't I never write anything down I just have a quartz crystal in my hand I squeeze it and think

you guys are in here with a couple of guards you always say that yeah it works totally works totally works when I leave here tonight I know exactly how to get home. I don't even have to think about it. Everybody do a perception check. Oh, I proceed.

I got a 22. I got a 17. Nice. 14. I got a 12. Five. All right. Well, you guys look around, and you're in what looks like a quiet little study.

I'm going to look at my private map that you have not seen yet. And so you guys just came in, and to the right, there is what looks like some sort of desk and cushiony, velvety chair. And a couple of rows of books. What are you doing, Ken? Could you not hear for a second? Your headphones? All right. Pause for a second. Yeah headphones? All right, pause for a second.

Yeah, you just undid mine for a second. You're playing with my volume. Mine too. I don't know where mine is. Are you? I'm the first one here. All right. And it's not working?

Hello? Hello? I'm talking. I'm talking. How about now? There we go. Okay. What was I even talking about?

The study. So you just came in, and to your right, there's like a little desk and a plush velvet chair behind it. There's a couple of rows of books, and you're just kind of hanging out with these two guards. Typha. Yes. You notice there are a... Well, you all kind of see that there's a door Immediately to your right from the main entrance

And then there's another one a little bit farther down The room Kind of behind you right now And you Feel like you might Hear some strange Kind of muffled noise in the very distance But you can't even make it out

Your attention keeps being drawn to that door. That's what I say to the guards. What's going on? Is there everything okay on the other side of that door or? Oh, maybe not. Oh guys. Well,

I guess we don't get to decide what we're going to do anymore. Well, he tells you if you go to, if you go that way, there's a small landing. And if you go down some stairs, the first guard, Ed tells you if you go that way, there's a small landing. And if you go down some stairs, the first guard, Ed, tells you this. You can go down some stairs. And then if you make an immediate right, there's a landing that'll take you to a hallway.

And that hallway will take you to the submission yard. If you go to the door on your immediate right, it sort of takes you to the sort of where everyone rests and sleeps. And the cacophony is coming from the course of the mission here? You barely are just, your attention is just drawn in that direction. You feel like you maybe almost hear noise, but you don't hear a cacophony or any major noise. You feel like all the

warring between guards and monsters outside is being blocked out magically. So that's of note that I'm hearing something. Yeah. Yeah. So I tell them there's something going on down there. What is the submission yard? A quick little refresher on the submission yard. That is where they take some of the prisoners out and torture them in a bit of

a bit of humiliating theater for the other prisoners. Which I do remember Zinzerina said that she was being taken out and tortured sometimes. And we know that she's in that general direction. Our next move was to at least move into this torture yard and see what we can see and possibly move past it. Well, let's get out our torture milkshakes.

Hey, in terms of, Typh is wondering, am I hearing Jyn Radina calling me? Like, is that what, like, if I'm hearing, if I'm feeling drawn, is it because I'm noticing something or am I hearing somebody calling? You thought you just audibly, like, something kind of distantly to the north. When she said that and we paid attention, could we hear anything? Are you all going to go quiet? I had high perception. What was mine?

What did I do? You needed a 20 or more to sort of make this. But now that she's pointed out the direction. You want to get quiet again? Yeah. Everybody get real quiet. And there's a long pause. You guys all kind of almost have to take turns holding your breath.

And then you hear towards the north door, just behind it a little. Tap dancing. More rapid fire than hereditary. That creepy little girl. Like bugs? Like clicking? It does sound like clicking. So we do open the door?

Cockroaches. Like organic or is somebody doing Morse code? Does anybody here know elf Morse code? I don't know. Look at your character sheets. You tell me, weirdo. What is elf Morse code? I don't know. I don't know a lot about Dungeons and Dragons, but I do know this. You made that up.

Can we just open the door yeah i can cobble some tap shoes i'm an elf i wasn't here i mean sarah wasn't here esmeralda was here so i don't know if there's a good reason that we shouldn't just open the guards do just say well if you go down the stairs that's where the prisoners are so you know you'll have an immediate choice once you go through this door you go straight down the stairs you make you go right on the landing and head down the hallway towards the submission yard. But the sound sounds like it's coming from

the landing? On the other side of this door. So it's either the landing or the stairs. You're not sure which. Well, let's do it, right? Let's see who's clicking. Alright. Who's opening the door? I was looking at Sam like Sam was going to open the door for us. I think Sam, that's a great idea.

Let's have Sam open the door. Hey, Sam, could you just, could you open this door? All of a sudden, Sam Kiefer, podcast engineer, apparates in front of you. Let's always make him open the door. That way none of us get hurt. He can be our unseen servant. He starts shaking his head and saying all those errands he has to go on, and he really doesn't want to be here, and then he disappears again.

Who's opening the door? I'll open the door. I heard it. As you approach Typhoon, do a perception check. Another one? Uh-huh. Ooh, this is better. 25.

I perceive. As soon as you get really close, you hear the ticking. And you feel like it's... It sounds close-ish. It's ticking. Yeah, it's like a ticking noise. Hey guys, there's something outside this door. It's probably some kind of murder bug. That's my guess.

Yeah, that's a good guess. Arms up. Everybody get ready to fight. Alright. Alright, so you open the door. And you see a being about, you pull the door towards you to open it. I don't like that. And about five feet away, this, so the ceiling is about 15 feet tall. This thing is over 10 feet tall.

It towers over you. And it's looking right down at you. It is, I have a drawing of it oh boy of course you do this guy this nice man oh it's goro uh it almost looks like goro from world combat except instead of uh leather bracers and a weird leather like skull kind of thing around his waist he's got big metal uh manacles around his wrists he's wearing under a big metal diaper he's wearing like a big old metal diaper on his thing he's got a tiny head a tiny little bald head really really nice uh you're not sure where bomb pops you're not

sure how he's making the ticking noise but it's coming from his head area his mouth isn't opening and he just sort of looks down at you. Typha, because you got a really good perception roll, I'll also tell you you notice some weird silver shimmering around its four arms in the air. And you also

notice what looks like... Shimmering like motion? Mm-hmm. Like chains? Well, there's some broken chains Around all of his manacles He's like He's like Power Man And here you can just pass this shit around

If you like But You also notice It looks like there's almost Silvery scales in the air Almost like hologram Fish scales Sort of floating around his arms

Do we have any Sort of moment of surprise He looks very pensive. So you open the door, and he is in that pose, and he doesn't even seem to move at first. And then he very slowly starts walking towards you, but it's so slow. And you hear coming from his head again.

Hey, I'm going to cast Tongues. Okay. You throw 15 Tong tongues at him. What do you get? Another day older? I'm here to murder you. Deeper and deeper. Do a wisdom saving throw, Twee.

15 tongues. 15. 15 tongues. Great. So you cast tongues, and all of a sudden, your head just gets filled with noise for a second, and you're not sure why, and you realize you're hearing a word very slowly. And you have to concentrate at this thing for a while

to really understand the full word that it's saying. Because you feel like it's almost speaking as slowly as it's moving, even though the clicks seem to be coming quickly. I think he's being restrained magically somehow. But you do notice it takes a full step towards Typha and closes the five foot distance to being

right in front of her. And you just hear it finish the word hungry. Close the door. Yeah. Close the door. Close the door. Yeah. Close the door. I close the door. Great.

You close the door. You know when you close the door, it is this close to the other side. I understand. You barely, like when you close it, you almost expect it to resist. But it'll take him 45 minutes to open the door. We could have tossed him a power bar or something. I don't think a sandwich. Yeah. You're a chef. Yeah. I don't think a sandwich. Yeah. You're a chef.

Yeah, I don't know. That sandwich thing didn't go so well. You hear grinding wood noises coming from the doorway as you assume pressure is being applied very forcefully. Is this the god block? This is the god slayer block. These are beings that have slain gods and are being imprisoned for it.

Well, I think we know what this guy is. Hungry. This is like that time I tried to get a table next to Jeremy Piven. Does tongues allow you to communicate with him or just hear? A creature you touch. Oh, you have to touch it. Tweed, do we have to retcon this? Did you touch this guy?

You know what? I'm not going to touch him if I have to retcon this? Did you touch this guy? You know what? I'm not going to touch him if I have to listen to him. Well, we have to retcon that you heard it say hungry, I guess. So I think it's just easier for everybody. If you ran up to him real quick, touched him on the cheek, and you immediately said hungry. Bink. Yeah, I could do that.

We'll say that happened and nothing additional happened. Guys, I had a 25. I perceive that he is hungry. But can you say anything to him? He can communicate back, yes. Oh, so you can say something. Yes. Ask him what he wants to eat.

What would you like? You guys all see... Crazy bread, some hot poppers. You guys all see Tui open his mouth and this loud metallic whirring noise comes out of his mouth, almost as if he's speaking the creature's language at the correct speed.

Tui, again, you kind of have to squint for a second because of all the noise that comes back to you. But it just says, you. You try to be nice. I thought it was going to say red lobster cheddar biscuits. The door's hinges begin to pop and snap as you feel the steel

is not going to hold it back for much longer. If this thing is unstoppable, if it's a god killer, I kind of feel like he's like we can't stop it, but our one advantage is he's super slow. What if we ditch into the barracks and make him think he's one place and then we can just fucking go past him? Exactly. We can lure

him into the room and run around him. He's unstoppable, so even if he has to shove something over, we'll have a second Yeah It took him half an hour to turn around Hey Tweed do a perception check This is sort of a retroactive one that's going to apply to when you touched him

Bodhi doesn't buy the whole unstoppable thing 13 You noticed When you touched his skin it did feel Very Rigid That's about it Okay When you touched his skin, it did feel very rigid. That's about it. Okay.

So this guy's in some sort of, yeah, temporal handcuffs. The door explodes off of its hinges. Everybody do a dexterity saving throw. 19. Oh. 24. I got a four. Oh. 24. I got a four. Five.

Hey, we'll be on the floor together. If we're lucky. Covered in door. All right. 18. This thing doors unlimited again. Everybody who rolled under a 10 takes three bludgeoning damage as pieces of the door smash into your head

and body parts. So can you lend a lady your pencil, sir? So you've taken three, in addition to one of the guards, has taken three points of damage. Ed? I'm throwing up a fire shield. It's one of my new spells.

Great. Can I read it out loud? Please tell us the little flavor text about this. Oh, you got new spells? Did I get new spells. Great. Can I read it out loud? Please tell us the little flavor text about this. Oh, you got new spells? Did I get new spells? It's the first time I've thrown this up. Thin and wispy flames wreathe my body for the duration, shedding bright light in a 10-foot radius

and dim light for an additional 10 feet. I can end the spell early by dismissing it. The flames provide me with a warm shield or a chill shield as I choose. The warm shield grants me resistance to cold. Chill shield grants me fire damage. In addition, whenever a creature within five feet of you

hits me with a melee attack, the shield erupts with flame. The attacker takes 2d8 fire damage or 2d8 cold damage. Nice. I like that. Nice. Do I have that spell? I guess he's been sitting on this for a while everyone is incredibly jealous and i feel like we need to have a talk about this you've been you've just had this learned and you haven't used it i have not used

it yet it's uh when i leveled up i was allowed to pick something from uh pick spells and this is this is what you've been sitting on i think this I think this is the one that I picked from a different school. Cool. I'm not sure. As Tui throws up his fire shield, this thing begins to step into the room and the reach of

its arms is so big, it fills the entire side of the room. It spreads its arms out and it looks hungrily at Twee and the flame coming off of him. And as it looks at you, you see it's kind of pursing its lips a little bit, and it's kind of spreading its hands out a little bit. Everybody roll for initiative, please. I'm going to get a kiss.

I like to give hugs. Nobody tell me your number yet. I'm gonna try to do this so I actually can keep track. That guard rolled a one. Great. Who got a 20 or above? What'd you get, Twee? 26.

Who got a 15 to 20? I have a 21.e? 26. Who got a 15 to 20? I have a 21. Oh, okay. Who got a 15 to 20? 15. Would you get, Chris? 14. What'd you get, Ken? 11.

I'm gonna delete Gago from the combat order. I don't know why he was still there. All right. Hey, what about Sam? He gets initiative. No, Sam. I hear good things about Gago in Star Spawn. You're thinking of his sister.

All right, so. Tui, you're up. I'm going to fireball it right in the face. Sweet, go for it. Now, fireball has a pretty big explosion. How tight is this room, actually? It is... 30 feet across.

This has a 20-foot radius. Huh, I think we're all gonna get baked if I do this. And not in a Super Bowl way. Well, we've got bits of door protecting us. It kind of bounced off of you as it did its damage. I mean, unless you rubbed, I don't know, like epoxy all over your face, I don't think. Also, another way to think of it is that we're covered in kindling.

Oh. Either way. Well, I guess I'm a... Sawdust and splinters. I'm a door half broken kind of guy. So what's up, Twee? I'm trying to think of what I can hit this guy with. I guess I'm just going to just hit him with a fire,

some fire bolts from my hands as I try to move behind him to the door. Hey, what are the rules on Unseen Servant? Can you, like, could you make it really small and have it go into somebody's throat? Ooh, that's cool. That's a great question. I'm going to look that one up. You know what I mean? Probably. And then get big?

Or no, it doesn't work like that. That's an Unseen Pufferfish. I think they have, like, corporeal. Right. I wouldn't matter. Spell creates an invisible, mindless, shapeless force that performs simple tasks until it ends. The servant springs to existence

in an unoccupied space on the ground. Right. On each of your turns as a bonus action, you can mentally command it to move up 15 feet and interact. It can do simple things like fetch, clean, mend, fold, blah, mend, fold, blah, blah, blah.

It's pretty complicated. It sounds like it has an arm. It's like a shmoo. Send him in to make an attack and have him pull his uvula. I think it can't do any damage or it disappears or take any damage or it disappears. It has one hit point and an AC of 10. Alright.

So it could hit, right? I don't know. Mor Right? I don't know. Morally, I don't know. Anyway, right now we're talking about twee! Alright. I'm just gonna now he's not entirely in the room yet. He did step through for the most part. He's unfolded his arms from

kind of going like this and now he's going like this. I'm just gonna to kind of gesture. I don't think anybody needs me to gesture to get out of there, so I'm going to just sort of hit him with fire bolts and try to just start getting behind him.

All right, roll for damage. It's going to hit him for sure. Eight. Eight. eight eight uh uh 16 and uh 21 great uh when you hit him he takes uh that damage and you also for a split second see a bunch of silvery fish like scales light up in the air and twinkle, and a few of them, while others are still well-lit, blink out of existence around all four arms, and then it all kind of fades away.

Almost like you knocked some lights out of a Christmas tree's lights string. Oh. Are those the things slowing him down? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. If he, like... Those things are absorbing the damage. Shit.

Any bonus action moves from you, sir? I'm just trying to... What if we just try and get past him? Move him behind him, yeah. You're gonna try and get behind him? I'm trying to get out, yeah. You're gonna try and, like, fly around behind the dude in the space between him and the doorway?

Yes. Do a dexterity check. 20. Yeah. You do it, but as you fly behind him. Wait, 20 plus your bonus, right? Oh, yeah. What's your bonus?

Oh, 25. Oh, for Christ's sakes. So you get behind him, and as you do it, it's way too late. You see one of the arms kind of block your way out. Okay. Kind of like you fly over its shoulder. It goes. And you're now behind this thing in the doorway.

Tape something to his back. Bodhi, you're up. Kick me. Frenzy. Hold on a second, I have to do some housekeeping here. So you frenzied just outside. Okay. So I think you can't frenzy again.

I'm not gonna inhale you, you're frenzyin'. I was calling him a frenzy. My new frenzying. I was calling him a frenzy. So... My new frenzy. You did suffer one level of exhaustion from last time. You can... You suffered one level of exhaustion. Basically, you're using up your levels of exhaustion after this,

but you can frenzy. I will let you frenzy. I think you can only do it three times a day, though. All right. I'm going to do it one more. Go for it. Right now. Well.

You're frenzying. Okay. It's been done. I'm making a note. All right, I'm frenzying. I'm frenzying. I'm going to swing Herald of Kelmar on him. Sweet.

Or. Oh. Or. Oh, no. What if Nightcrawler was in the Fantastic Four? Leibshin. What was that with your bonus? What if Silver Surfer had to get a job? Probably not a hit. Nine.

No, you swing and you realize just how big he is as you swing, and you kind of like pull it a little bit. He's much bigger than even you. Oh, man. Happens again. That one's a 12. Yeah, not a hit. Jesus.

So that's a 16. This time you hit him, but as your blade connects with him, you feel his skin kind of give way a little bit. And as it gives way, you feel it kind of gripping your sword and you have to kind of pull it away really fast. And it doesn't do any damage. But you feel like his skin almost tried to grab your sword. We should get out of here.

It's his turn. but you feel like his skin almost tried to grab your sword. We should get out of here. Yeah. It's his turn. If you were a gentleman. Tweet, you see the hand that just tried to grab you. All of a sudden, the fingers start to bend back, and the palm opens up. And what looks like four long pink ribbons start spiraling out of the hand. And they're moving much faster than his hand was.

And they're even more blocking your way out. And that is his turn. What the fuck? Wait, you said it's a Tweed? Because Tweed got behind him. He's behind him right now. And right now, Tweed, you just see all these pink ribbons sort of coming out. And you guys all see his hand.

The fingers just sort of break and peel back. And out of the palm of his hand is just pink ribbons and just like muscle tissue. But you see there's almost like teeth around the inside of the hand. Maybe he's just wrapping a present. Also, Typo, just with your passive perception when he's doing it, you kind of look a little closer and you're like, oh, it looks like his face could maybe open up and the other palms of his hands could open up oh guys is it my turn it is esmeralda's turn i want to cast snare go for it

so this is like it goes he like touches it or steps into it i think it's not in the player's handbook it's in the... Right, right. What am I rolling? You have to use your rope to create a five foot radius on the ground. It becomes a magic trap. A creature needs to pass a successful investigation check against it to find it.

The problem is you're basically setting a trap that it can watch you make. So it won't be hidden. It won't be hidden. I feel like he's not paying attention to me. And also, I don't feel like he's going so slow that isn't he stepping very slowly? He is stepping very slowly. I just feel like I can loop it right around where his foot's about to come down.

All right. You set a trap. I don't think you need to roll a dice. Creature needs to pass a successful investigation check against your spell save DC. What's your spell save DC? I don't know. Playing what's going on at Palladino's.

I'm going to look at your sheet and see if it says on here. I'm going to go check out the Polyphonic E Street Band. It's a band of 36 E Street band tribute bands. Wow. Oh, it's 12. That's a lot.

36 bands. So he's got to basically beat a 12 with his bonus when he approaches it. Very engaging. Do you do anything with your bonus action?

Yeah. You're putting it right in front of him, correct? Yeah, like is his foot even like up in the air? Like maybe it's about to step down? Yeah, he's wearing these big iron boots. And it looks like one of his feet is kind of raised right now. Yeah. You can see it moving, but it's like.

Yeah, so then I guess with my bonus action, I'm just going to roll backwards and kind of taunt him and try to get him to continue moving in that direction. All right. Back and taunt. Tyfer, you're up. Yeah, I think you're right. I think we need to get him in here so we can get past him, right?

Because right now he's basically... Can we get past him? No. Tweet is past him, but now these pink ribbons are filling up his arms, and he looks like he's caught on, and his other arms are kind of like filling the gap more with an elbow. All right, so I will attack.

I will swing the sword of Umberlee at him. Sweet. That's an 18. You swing the sword of Umberlee and it gets right into his flesh and his flesh gets a real like kind of tight grip on the sword. Do a dexterity check. 19. Great. So you actually managed to do damage and not lose your sword.

Roll for damage. Oh, cool. All right. I like that. Oh, cool. All right. I like that. So that is 14 slashing damage and seven ice damage.

So as Umberlee's sword explodes and does this frost damage, you manage to kind of pop it back out, but you feel the skin between his ribs trying to hold the sword and sort of suck it into his body. I share that with everybody. Like he's... It's not sticky. Weird fetish. He's eating it. This thing eats your weapon. He's weird. Anything else?

Bodhi doesn't like it. He's weird. I'll swing one more time, I guess. Okay. He sure is. That's a 21. Alright. That's the 21. All right. That's the same thing. You get it stuck in there, and you feel like you're going to get just enough damage if you make a dexterity saving throw. That is a 17.

Yep. So you've managed to do some damage. Okay. Same deal. I'll save. Uh-huh. You're just cutting into his torso, right? Yeah.

Do you get a bad one, or do they always make you make that face? That's ten slashing And seven ice damage It's probably just your reaction To a chemical that simulates heat You feel like you're getting into a good rhythm With this thing, kind of picking away Some health off of his little health bar

But this time as the frost damage does something, you see the same thing again, Typha. The silver lights of sort of fish scales in the air light up and you see all the missing ones from when Tui hit it with the fire bolts. And even more of them sort of unlight.

We can't do magic on it. Magic kills his shield. If we just do melee, beat the shit out of him, we can hurt him magic on it. Magic kills his shield. If we do melee to beat the shit out of him, we can hurt him. And the shield's what's slowing him down? Well, it's not a shield. It's like a... I think the shield's slowing him down. I think there's a reason he's wearing metal underpants.

One of the guards runs up to him and hacks him once, can't quite get a grip on it, hacks him again, and he can't pull his sword out. And he goes, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And he won't let go of his sword. He's going, fuck, fuck.

And it starts lowering an arm right over his head. Can we scream let go? This is like that scene in Saturn 3. Ken, you're the only one that would know what that is. Ken, speaking of which, you're up. That's not true. What you gonna do? Farrah Fawcett? Yeah, Ken, speaking of which, you're up. That's not true. What are you going to do? Farrah Fawcett.

Yeah, I saw it. I know, I know. My poor grandfather took me to see it. I'm the only one who doesn't know what that is. Go for it. It's an insane science fiction movie with Farrah Fawcett majors and Harvey Keitel in it. Sexy. She shows her puppies.

Crazy robot goes berserk on a sexy moon of Saturn. They dub Harvey Keitel's voice. Yeah. Roll 5d8. That's how many total hit points of creature this spell can affect. I kind of liked it. Remember when the weird looking. Who directed it?

I can't remember. I might not guarantee to hit at least one. Nancy Meyers. Isn't that one of her movies? This is how many hit points you can hit. Is it? I can't remember. I might not guarantee to hit at least one. Nancy Meyers, isn't that one of her movies? This is how many hit points you can hit. Is it? It's how many creatures I can hit. It's a beautiful kitchen. Who's I thinking of?

This spell sends creatures into a magical slumber. Roll 5d8. The total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect. Roll these dice and tell me the number. You have to roll higher than the creature's hit points to put it to sleep. Got it. How much

of that chemical that's in Thanksgiving turkeys can you inject into this guy? Stanley Donut. No kidding. Music by John Barry. What'd you get? You stopped doing your math because you're thinking about Stanley. Kirk Douglas.

A fair fosse. Of course, Kirk Douglas. Kirk Douglas. 34. Nothing. Anything for that bonus action, sir? Should be a huge cult movie by all measures

but it is not dodge I guess get out of the way it's one of those forgotten can I get some of them Skittles some pass me some sweet ass Skittles

I'm always surprised that Flash Gordon with Sam Jones was never a huge cult it's become one now yeah it's become one it's a little bit it's beloved

that's the only movie I saw twice. They made Ragnarok. Seems like a tribute to it. Have you seen Thor Ragnarok? No, I did not. It's very first run. Gendi reaches into her belt, pulls out a little hand axe and throws it at this guy.

She's like, I don't know what to do. I only really cast spells, but I want to see what happens. And she throws it, and it just gets stuck in this thing's pectoral muscle and sits there. I'm going to throw my axe travel spray at it. The other guard runs over and tries to help this guy pull his sword out of the ribs of this thing.

And he It's just a sword. He succeeds, but as they try to run away, this thing gets what they call an attack of opportunity, you guys. So the hand that it's been lowering over it opens up

and pink ribbons lash out and wrap around the guard. But in doing so, he didn't step forward? Huh? In doing so, he didn't step forward huh in doing so he didn't step forward into my no he knew enough to walk around the trap he's just trying to fail this guy and this is the guy who had his sword stuck hmm these guys won't let go of their swords he tried to get his sword out of this thing yeah all right

yeah I was asking if the guy stepped on the trap so it kind of the ribbons kind of cover his face and and he's screaming, and it looks like he's taking a lot of damage. Face damage? Tweed, do a dexterity saving throw, please. 15? Yeah. 15.

Dan. Dan's chewing. Dead air. I'm rolling dice, too. You guys are so fucking chewing. Sometimes it's in the chews he's not making. I don't know why you guys expected me to talk so much. There's a lot of pressure.

I was like, oh, I'll just chew, and you guys are like staring at me. You take seven points of slashing damage, and you are wrapped up in these ribbon things. It's got one of your arms. No. No. This thing hasn't moved forward at all into my trap since he's been wrapped. Its foot is about to come down, but it won't until its next turn,

and it's not getting a turn. These are all just, it's got a lot going on. It's a big-ass monster. How is it grabbing him if he's behind it? Well, these things are, these ribbons are flowing like tentacles in water.

Those aren't, yeah, those are, so they're not slow. Mm-mm. No, and I'm picturing kind of like, the thing, yeah. I'm picturing bubble tape.

So, Twee, you're up. Okay. And you're currently, your left arm is kind of wrapped up in shit. Okay. I'm gonna use my cape of the mountebank to teleport out of here. What?

Goodbye. Where are you going? I'm just gonna, I'm going out of the room, out of range, just out of range of this thing so i guess uh uh out the way we came in behind it okay so you're gonna try to go out that door yeah all right so uh you go and uh it's just gonna you know lose a little bit of its little pink ribbons as you do

it and you come back and they just kind of fall gently to the ground. You're now floating over a stairwell. And you hear, you know, some voices down there. It's relatively calm voices, no screaming, not like anyone's pain, but it sounds like maybe some prisoners are down there saying, come free me and stuff like that. You look over on this landing and it's sort of like stairs going down a railing and then to your right you see there's like a just like a small meeting area and another door

uh stone walls wood banisters and uh yeah this this thing's not really making a noise but you do hear kind of like as the ribbony things fall to the ground. Okay. How far back from the room am I where it was? Where all these guys are? I mean you can go pretty far so I'm going to say like do do do do do I'm just I mean I'm going to head back

to where the where this where the action is. I mean you're like 10 feet behind it right now basically. Okay well then I'm just going to stay right there. Right over by the stairs. Yeah, I just wanted to I'm just not going to get I'm not going to get Andy Circused and King Kong and Goodbye.

That was a bad one. And they hung on that. They really let you feel that one. Yeah, that one stuck with me. That was bad. Well, I'm going to hack. Go for it. What's up with airlines? Out of the box.

Same thing. That was amazing. 17. So you connect, and you feel it grab your sword. Do a dexterity check um nah just a six um all right so you can't quite grind it it's got your sword fuck um you see it kind of look at you

with its tiny beady little eyes too and it starts taking its pursed lips and kind of pushing them out towards you is this your fancy sword? it is it's the herald of Kelmar you got another action yeah well since I have both hands free

you can yeah yeah I'm gonna punch it as hard as I can in the nuts with my Gauntlets of Ogre power and try to get it to release it. All right, so that's going to be an unarmed strike. It's a plus eight to hit. Roll to attack with your strength modifier also. 17.

9 plus 8. So you punch it right in its steel diaper and you just hear this. First of all, it hurts. Your fist all the way through your gauntlet

up in your elbow joint just rings with pain. But as you punch it, it goes... And you just hear this like steel echo and almost as if it is reverberating in slow motion echoes out. And you feel like you really fucking clocked this thing in the steel diaper and it kind of goes... clocked this thing in the steel diaper and it kind of goes Oh no. It's leaning towards you.

Now I'm going to grab for my sword. My bonus action, I'm grabbing for my sword. Do a strength check. Get away from that mouth. 19. Yeah, you pop it out. Yay. What do you do with that bonus action?

Oh, I thought that was my bonus action. No, that was your third combat action. Cut its mouth off. I mean... Yeah, slash at its mouth. Okay. Stupid lips. That's a hit!

Do a dexterity check to see if... I got a 20. Yeah! But do a dexterity... You know what? It's a critical. We're not going to make you do the dexterity. to see if I got a 20 yeah but do a oh you know you know what it's a critical we're not gonna make you do the dexterity roll for damage okay I'm like I'm if this is a crit you can't you can't lose your

sword on a crit doesn't make any goddamn sense uh nine and double as 18 all right so you just hit it in the face and you find a perfect groove in the weird little creases

around its mouth and you just rip and you just see a little for the first time it's flesh cut you just see like

a little pink separating roll 100 oh okay because now it's time for the crit table what's gonna happen Roll a 100 Oh okay Because now it's time for the crit table Crit table What's gonna happen on the crit table?

89 Holy shit Yay Okay well You help him quit smoking Roll another 3d4, please. Very specific one. 3D4?

Okay. Make that a four handy. That's three. Sorry, guys. And add two to the number. Ten. All right, so do another ten points of damage, and also you see a vein sort of appear on its forehead and in slow motion kind of like throb outwards.

Is this yours? Oh. Which one's which? Okay. So Blaine didn't put any of it. No, I just sat here and watched. Okay, and then... It spreads its mouth open. And

its whole face and head kind of cock backwards and you just see rows and rows of teeth as it sort of opens like a toothy flower and all these ribbony stamens start coming at you. Roll a dexterity check. Stamens. It's like a murder flower. It's like a flower penis.

I fucking hate this thing. Oh boy. Dex. Yeah, so just a four. You guys see Bodhi's head disappear inside ribbons coming out of this thing's neck. What? Bodhi, you take...

Fuck, man. 14 points of slashing damage to your face, and you are now held by the face and blind. Jeez. Motherfucker. Esmeralda, you're up. Wasn't it his turn? I didn't say that into the mic.

Motherfucker. Oh, you're right. Thank you for reminding me. I want to see if he's going to do it or not. This is very important. He's leaning forward and as he leans forward, he plants that foot straight in front of him um and uh let me double check to see how this snare works so you used a rope for this magic trap i think he has to do some kind of saving throw but um oh yeah he has to make it against your And he doesn't. Yes. Good.

It suddenly gets a leg stuck in the ground, and you see the rope kind of whip upwards to the ceiling, and this thing suddenly gets hung upside down. Bodhi, I'm going to need you to do another dexterity saving throw. Come on, get this one. As its face tendrils try to flip you around. Oh, shit. Oh, boy.

Three. All right, you take an additional eight points of damage as this thing racks you against a brick wall, and you are still held and blind. Great. But it's upside down? It's upside down, yeah. Motherfucker. Okay, can I try to slash Bodhi free?

Yes. Okay. So I'm just attacking the tendril parts? Yes, the ribbony parts. Okay, that wasn't it. Yeah, that was a seven, so I missed with that one. No, yeah, you just completely whiff they're kind of moving around all

liquidy I'll never get over taking it personal when a monster gets you like this when a monster gets me like good it fucking pisses me off I can't like separate myself that one's

a 13 yeah I mean you just you hit the ribbons and they're Separate myself. That one's a 13. Yeah, I mean, you hit the ribbons, and they're much softer than this thing's skin. Go ahead and roll for damage. And they smell like coconuts. Soft ribbons and coconuts. I taste one. She has to taste it.

She said she would taste it. Seven. All right, so you do seven points of damage, and you can't quite cut all of them, but you like one of them kind of like frays and rips open. So one out of how many are still holding him? It looks like there's still six or seven of these little ribbony tendrils.

Okay, I'm going to try to do my... I'm going to use my action surge to take one additional action to try to free him. One more hack? Yeah. Go for it. Okay, so that one's a 21. Nice.

That's definitely a hit. That wasn't a critical, right? No. That was like an 18 or something. Oops. 12. Rip, rip, rip. They all go.

Bodhi, you fall on your butt, and these ribbons kind of go loose around your shoulders. Thank you. Up next is Typha. This thing is hanging upside down. And he's loose? He's loose on his butt. Should we get the fuck out of here?

I screamed, everybody, let's go. Can we get past, even though it's upside down, can we clear this thing and just down without it getting grabs on us? Do a dexterity check. You guys. He just did. As you run by,

you just feel a hand land on your shoulder. A slow mo hand? Do a strength check. 15. Yeah, you pull loose and manage to get through. Flip him off. Scream, let's go. One of the guards is like,

okay, I'm going to try. You're going to get your sword again? By the way, the guy who was wrapped up in the things, he's still being whipped around. There's still one guard who's caught up in one of these things. Oh, sorry. I could've used my... I just spent three on Bodhi.

But another guard ran through. So now it's Typha, a guard, and Twee on the other side of this thing. We can swing at it from the far side if we need to. Right. Does he have the keys, the guy who's in the face ribbon? You don't know. The guy who's in the face ribbon is not the guy who let you in.

You don't know about other keys in general. Time. This thing seems like we're going to take a lot of damage if we even do defeat it, and we might not be able to. Gendy runs through. This guard tries to break free. Oh, guard breaks free. Yay!

But he falls on his butt, and he Yeah he's He's now sitting on his butt Tui you're up Wait I didn't go Oh you didn't go Wait home where are you Yes your turn Sorry Ray of Sickness

Alright Chipotle Cadabra Everybody loves Ray of Sickness He's gonna try What's your She had those monster tacos Everybody loves Ray of Sickness. What's your... She had those monster tacos. Oh, he fails his constitution save. Roll 2d8. I'm 3d8.

Oh, right, right. Oh, it's going to come straight out of his face bulb. I'm missing an 8. I gave you how many 8s? I know, I gave you back one of them probably. More of mine, I mean. P-P-P-T. 7.

4. You take 7 and he's poisoned. 14. Now you're up to it. I apologize for the confusion. And I use my bonus to run past him. Oh, do a dexterity check. Yeah. You're good.

Yeah. He rolled very high, everybody. He got over a 20. I have a big bonus. I need to brag. I have a very big bonus. I'm going to use my elf mind to kind of reach out to Zinzerina

a little bit do a religion check 14 plus 16 what do you want Zinzarina to do? Or should I say Jinradina? I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think of the Nat King Cole song the whole time. Dork. Hey, I know you're close, and I know you probably hate this guy. He's probably a horrible flatmate. I want you to use me to stop this guy is probably a horrible flatmate. I want you to help me to, I want you to use me to stop this guy. And I'm going to point at this thing's back

or front or whatever it is. Okay, roll a 48. A 48-sided dice. Possibly the stupidest thing I ever said. Sam, could you replace that with... We have a list of way worse. Some of the other stupid things you've said. 15 and 19.

Okay. Okay. Okay. So you point your finger, and this time something different happens than it did last time. You see the blackness come out of your finger, but instead of turning into veins of lightning bolts, they sort of dart out in four different directions

towards its arms. And you see the sort of silver scales fill in. They light up all of a sudden and then all the little scales that were gone go clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. Oh. And it stops moving. Cool.

It's suspended frozen in the air. Huh. Nice. I'll take it. Thank you, Jen Radner. Yeah, thanks, Jen Radner. Everybody say thank you, Jen Radner. Thank you, Jen Radina Yeah thanks Jen Radina Everybody say thank you Jen Radina Should we disembowel this fucking thing

Yeah kill it on the way out Just not magically Yeah that's what I mean I mean it's frozen Let it go Now I have to kill it Now that I have that song in my head I mean, it's frozen. Let it go. Now I have to kill it. Now that I have that song in my head.

Jesus Christ. Let it go. I'll let it go. Oh, man. One time I sent, I forget why I did. I think I did this just to know you. Rhodes would be enraged if he heard that. He hates that song so much. This was like years ago. One time I texted

Brian this YouTube video and it was a guy doing a screamo, which is screaming emo, cover of Let It Go. Yeah, I don't remember my response. Was I mad at you? I think text me all caps, fuck you. That sounds about right.

I love when I hear stories about myself, things I don't remember, but that I responded the way. Brian, this thing's frozen in front of you. Yes. You're up. Kind of look up, and it's just sitting there. While he's doing that. Its head is peeled back.

You see the rose of teeth. Now the pink tendrils that esmeralda help cut free they're like stumpy and they're frozen in the air i just overhead um not slash but like slam my uh sword into its chest and do a strength check okay oh man roll 100 on the first one. All right. Hubris. Whatever.

Nine. You get it right in the sternum, and it really wants to grab your sword. Right. And you feel for a second like it's not going to give, and you pop it out at the last possible second All right, then I take another hack at it. Go for it That's a 22, okay do a dex check For all right roll for damage

Okay Did I tell you I don't know if I told you this but uh i was down at paladino's oh wait no no i wanted to uh oh wait i wanted to pull down on it once i put it in okay i wanted to open up a big wound noted go for damage okay i'll tell you what happens with that dex check you also got that was a four yeah i know uh eight so you you smash your sword into this thing and um you definitely crack it right in the sternum uh but your sword's not coming you're like you oh i think think under in that, I got a cut right in the sternum, and your sword is not budging at all. And as the flame kind of licks up the wound, you see a couple of the scales that Jinradana filled in for you,

and you almost see his skin start to become supple again as if he's being launched back into motion. Shit, I left him here. All right, well, I'm going to use my bonus to get the sword out of him. Alright, do a strength check. Fifteen. Nope. Are you fucking kidding me?

Nope. Well, technically that was third. Do I get it? Do I get a bonus? You get a bonus, yeah, but you can't use it to pull the sword out. Why not? Because it's a strength action.

Oh. Fuck this fucking guy. God damn it. Do your middle fingers. Well, no, I have to get my sword back. Don't be a guard, man. Hmm. Yeah, sometimes is a sword worth your life

yeah man that's kind of what this D&D thing is all about King Arthur was asked the same question can I punch him in the nuts again or is that another strength his nuts are too close to the ceiling now

you'd have to use something and pick champagne on ice. You can use my sword if you really want to kill this thing. You know what? Hang on. Give me a commercial. I'm going to see. The thing is, we're not going to kill him.

We're just going to kill all of his shields. I need a commercial or something. You've got to check something real quick. Okay. Oh, anyway, I was at Palladino's. I don't know if I told you this. I saw Susie and the Bandit. It was a goth Jerry Reid cover band.

This thing fucking makes me mad. Dumb face. It's a dumb face. It's stupid. You sure you want to kill it? I'm mad at it. Now you really want to kill it. Oh, yeah.

I want to cut its. Oh, yeah. I want to cut its little tiny penis head off. Look at that thing. Is it a plant man? You let it get under your skin. This really is like a parable about how you can let it go. Yeah, you can try to pull it out as another bonus action.

I'm going to pull it out of its palms. I'm sure I'll have a rules lawyer come at me with this one. 15. Yep, I got it. Just got it. All right, pops it out. Got it by one. You can't run now because you spent all your energy trying to wrestle this thing out.

Typha, you're up. Oh, no, no, no. Esmeralda, you're up. Sorry, excuse me. Yeah, I'm going around this thing and going to the stairwell. You're going to go up and throw your family albums at it. It's moving slow enough you don't have to do a dex check. It's still relatively frozen.

Okay, I salute him as I walk by. How do you salute him? Condescendingly. One finger. Typha? I already went past him. I grabbed both the guards past him. Who's not past him? There's one guard on his ass. Me. Another guard's past him. I grabbed both the guards past him. Who's not past him?

There's one guard on his ass. Me. Another guard's past him. Fuck. I'll note that he's hanging from the ceiling because he stepped right into me. All right. If I run back in an action, if I do a, because I got two. I run and get this guy on his feet and say let's get the fuck out of here do a

strength strength check excuse me uh 12 yeah he gets on his feet all right can we start running back past yeah do it this time you have to do a dex check because you're kind of dragging a guy with you and he's disoriented all right so he you get past but he's like right under this thing and you've got your hand kind of behind you. So he's really close. You're back through the doorway, but he's looking up going, oh, fuck. These guards are idiots. I mean, this guy just got knocked pretty dizzy.

It's his turn, though. Yeah, and he runs out. He's fine. He's close Another guard is gonna say Let's get the fuck out of here And he runs across the landing to another door And he's got a key that he uses

To Is that the landing he told us that heads towards The Yeah he's like this door is not supposed to be locked But it is there must have been some kind of emergency So I'm glad I had these keys And he sticks it in and he pops it open This door's not supposed to be locked, but it is. There must have been some kind of emergency. So I'm glad I had these keys. And he sticks it in and he pops it open.

This is taking us out to the yard. Mm-hmm. Okay. Nettie, you're up. Oh, yeah. Tom Nettie. Let's see. Well, I'm past it already.

Except for Bodhi. Bodhi just popped the Herald of Kelmar out of this thing stirring him and he's like staring it down still. I don't grab Bodhi and try to pull him out of here. Great.

Try a strength check to see if you can pull him all the way through the doorway. He wants to go. Yeah, does he want to be pulled? Four.

Do you want to be pulled? Yeah, yeah. I would have pulled you. Plus one? Yeah. Not enough. You get a hand on him, and now you're just kind of with him. Now we're just holding hands.

You've still got an action where you can run back out of the room if you want to bail on yanking him. I think he got the idea. So you're going to run back out the door? Yeah. All right. Gendy runs through, and she got a a 20 so gendy just fucking blitzes out of there uh tweet rep oh i'm still uh so i'm done with the stuff right sure there's nothing

else coming out no nothing else is coming out of your finger hand uh So, and you ran back to grab Bodhi. I ran back to get the guard. Everybody's out but Bodhi. Yes, sir. Okay, well let's go back and try to get Bodhi. I'm gonna... Do a strength check. You're trying to yank him. He has legs, right? He does. It's not his turn.

Eight minus two. A twenty! Yeah, it's a natural 20 just like Tom he moves a couple of steps but you can't quite pull him out of the pose only so much time can pass if you don't basically pull a big yank

you can run back out ok I'm just gonna come on Bodhi come on I'm just gonna... Come on. Bodhi, come on. I'm heading out of there. Great. You guys run through, and you're now all on the landing.

Do we have any oil? Whoa. You do. You've got oil, Bodhi. Yeah, I want to set this motherfucker on fire. All right. You know how I get. Do it.

I just want to say that my concern with doing damage to this guy Is that it seems like he's got a shield And then once the shield is broken Alright fuck it Can I go on record that I wanted to fucking kill him? Absolutely If we come back through here That's a good idea

I will say Esmeralda based on your passive arcana. All my therapist hears is stories about my mom and D&D things

that didn't do it. It wouldn't do it. It wouldn't pull his shield down. That's alright. Only magic takes down the shield.

So if you can just But then why did oh cause my fucking sword is magic. God damn it. So if you want to go I guess that means if you want to go borrow a, you know. Get some oil and flint and steel and you can light them up. Oil will do it.

Done. It's easy to light stuff up if you just want to. He did kill a god after all. So as you guys sort of all start turning through this hallway, Bodhi says, hey, hold up a second. As you start turning through this hallway, Bodhi says, hey, hold up a second. And you just see him kind of like pull out his oil flask and just spray this thing back. Take out his flute and steel, and it's going to go.

And this thing goes. Yay, let's go. And that'll be the end of the episode. Hey, can we close on a tweeze standing there with my arms crossed going, nice. You sure can. All right. Thanks for listening to episode 37.

Anything anybody wants to plug? When's this go? Stand Against Evil starts on October 31st. Oh, this is probably before that, I think. Right before that? Maybe right before, yeah. Yeah. My book's already out.

Buy my book. You don't have to pre-order it anymore. Now you can just get it. Buy candy. Candy? Where'd you go? What? Just telling people to buy candy.

It's fucking Halloween. Why? Oh, for a fucking idiot? Especially Sweet Heat Skittles. Why would I not buy candy? We just been eating candy all episode. I know, but it's like a sort of generic candy. Oh, it was a dumb joke.

You were both to blame for that. Yeah, it is. That could be like. Isn't that what you want? I attacked Ryan because I knew how stupid that was. Give me candy. Funky rolls or zots or a carrot. All right.

Zots. I like Snickers. Don't give him anything. Or some sort of fruit. I mean, these spicy heat Skittles really should be sponsoring us. They really should. Them and fat Sal's and all the best whiskeys. Also Aston Martin.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker. You can follow us at pat.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. Spin the clock