Nerd Poker - Episode 38 - Crystal Squeeze

Episode Date: October 31, 2018

The crew is continuing to hack their way North-East (or whatever up and to the right is on the moon) to break out the cosmic being known as Jnrei D'Nah and stop the moon from crashing into the planet below. But they're starting to realize just how bad an operation this whole moon prison idea was, and how a moon prison riot means there are cosmic beings everywhere. Good luck sleeping after listening to all of this one!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 2. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Thumbs up from everybody. Okay sign. Is that the white power sign, Ken? No, that's just over. Okay, okay, good. My friends are here. That's the white power sign playing this is a this is a crease back broach bird Chris hi Sarah yes Ken

Dan. Hi. I made him wait, and it was worth it, I guess. Blaine. Asshole. No one goes to Fresno anymore. And at the end of the table, not paying attention to us, there he is. Look at that.

He hates us. Sam. Tonight, the part of Sam is played by Elliot Gould. I'd also like to thank some patrons, if you don't mind. Yeah, please. Thank you, Skeletor's Stinky Nugs. Oh, wow. Thank you, Skeletor's Sexual Harassment Lawyer.

Please stop talking to my clients. Thank you, Skeletor's sexual harassment lawyer. Please stop talking to my clients. Thank you, Skeletor's pussy. Thank you, Skeletor's pubic mound. And last but not least, thank you, Skeletor's dick. Thanks, all those Skeletor things. I like pubic mound. That's really getting specific and creative. That was the whole underpants neighborhood.

That was everybody. Skeletor's hip socket. I think that's Mons Skeletorus. It's also a canal on Mars. Thanks for listening. That was episode 38. Bye. Love it.

Bass Skeletor. You guys just fought a big old godslayer. I'm not over it because it was eight minutes ago. And you feel like you set him on fire, but it might take a long time for it to damage him. I mean, he's covered in oil, so hopefully it'll kill him someday, but he's moving very slowly.

We don't even care. Isn't he hanging upside down also and on fire? He is. So you feel like he's at the very least a humiliating position as you guys make your way that should make you feel better brian yeah i feel better so one of these guards this is all very healthy emotionally uh i stopped the bleeding isn't one of his faces all cut up yeah i mean you screwed him up real real no mine b but also his guard yeah Brian's got slashes on his face

yeah maybe can I tend to Brian's face you feel like Brian when you got slashed up grabbed you by the head did you say maybe tender with him no tended to his face oh oh oh Typha tenderly cups your chin Bodhi I just thought we had a love connection

nobody hurts my baby nobody hurts my baby you felt like it had a serrated tongue when it grabbed you, and it did some slashing damage to your face. All right, can I give them some of my healing stew or something like that? Healing stew. Well, the guards are kind of like, let's not stop. We got to go, go, go.

All right, but if there's a kitchen on the way, I'll grab some jerky plus one or something. There's kind of a kitchen, but they're like, you want to go in the kitchen? Is it on the way? Kind of. The stew is like really a time intensive. One of them shows you their map and they're like, okay, we can go down this hallway. Does that go towards.

Here, I'll show you. You can just have a look. I love it. So you're like. A type is kind of like a grandma. A little bit. He wants to fill you. Eat manja. So he's like. We a grandma. A little bit. He wants to fill your book.

Eat, manja. We're coming down here. Right. So he's like, we can go in there to the kitchen, but... But that's the submission yard. That's okay. I don't think it's that important. I mean, are you okay? I'm all right.

All right. Then let's keep moving. Okay. And I tell the other guards to hang on to their fucking swords this time. You make it down the hallway and Did I get any healing off that or no? Or he didn't? I don't think he actually did anything. Typha didn't actually do

anything. Hey Typha. Yes. Bodhi just kind of sadly asked me if he got any healing from that but you didn't really do anything did you? No he didn't cook anything. No there's nothing to cook. you? No, he didn't cook anything. No, there's nothing to cook. Like I'm saying, I don't have anything in my pockets. You could stop

if you want. You could... Just physically stop? Everybody could stop their forward motion down this hallway. I am still so... I have so much... I think what's waiting for us in this mission yard is going to be rough. So let's... Yeah, I should cook later. Yeah, let's go. Well, there's

an altar room sort of in the middle of this hallway. And you get to this door, and it looks frosted over. Frosted over? So yeah, it's like a stone hallway, and the door is wood with iron. OK, so we can. It's frosted over. We can try and get through frosty. Or is there a door to the kitchen here?

No, you can back up a little bit. Yeah, yeah. But you haven't even touched the door yet. You don't know what's going on. It just looks frosty. But I'm just telling everybody, if we don't want to fight magic Frosty, we can cut through this way. Right?

I don't know if there's any Jews in there. It doesn't look like this goes outside, though, right? Shit, no, it doesn't. We got to outside though right we gotta go past here should we try to thaw the door and get in there is there a handle on it or anything so maybe your unseen servant could try to open it

I'm still lit up from the fire shield I can probably can I go up and melt it you go up and grab it and... I'll do a quick search for traps. Sure, do an investigation check. Uh...

Begging your pardon. That's a 16. Feels like there's no traps. You do think, hmm, this is probably like magical frost. Magic frost. I'm going to kind of get my shield close to it so it kind of melts a little bit. And then I'm going to use my...

The handle. My mage hand is going to be about six inches in front of my regular hand. And I'm going to turn it like that. That's a respectable amount for a bard like you yeah and so yeah the mage hand kind of after its mouth a little bit grabs it and clicks it up and you pull the door open you guys see a little chamber it looks like there's a stone altar on the other side of the altar you another door, and there is a pile of skeletons. There's about 10, looks like soldiers, in armor, but they're reduced to skeletons in armor, and the bones are bleached white. One skeleton is in what looks like mage's robes, and they look like they're in some sort of defensive position backed up against the door. You see what looks like a big frost blast that's sort of centered in the middle of the room,

spreading out against the walls. It looks like this was some sort of prayer chamber. And the ceiling is destroyed. And you see what looks like some sort of weird spell effect in the hole in the roof. But it looks like something hit the middle of the room with a giant frost blast. Somehow these guys got killed, and then something escaped through the roof it's uh guard comes up to you guys and

is like yeah this is supposed to be where we attune ourselves with a special spell that helps us get through the submission yard faster submission yard is kind of kind of gigantic all four of these quadrants in the the main yard are kind of magically made to seem infinite. And it's sort of like a transportation spell you can attune for normally in this room. But this room looks really fucked up. So without that attunement spell, how long is it going to take us to get across that courtyard? I've never tried it. Can you guess?

I wish you guys could see the book. Everybody who works at this place, other than- It's really- Oh my God. This is like being at Osh. Bexis? Bexis. Bexis was quality goods.

Everybody else is a- It's like ifxas was quality goods everybody else is a poem it's like if kaiser moon prisons yes they saw your card downstairs i'm gonna need to see your card again uh uh yeah you feel like these guys are a little dumber than the mages bexas was a mage and these guys are just kind of like oh my god didn't you i know i wasn't here but wasn't there something about... You told me there's something about a spell that made people forget things. Yeah.

Every 36 hours? These guys are all told that when they turn... It's so sketchy. They come of age as a guard here. A special blessing is put on them, and they sort of live in 36-hour lengths. So it just feels like maybe you want to cut them some slack because they really are being fucked with. Wow.

I didn't know you were going to spin it on us. I was just about to rant on the ineptitude of the whole. But don't you remember that guy back here? I agree with you. I'm just saying that I feel like they were brought here by children, as children. They're basically child soldiers made to grow up here. All right.

So they would have no instinct to fight this. Yeah, and if they forget stuff every three days, then it's not surprising that they, if they're basically, their minds are like. Day and a half. They don't even get three days. But I asked them, so in the last day and a half, have either of you actually crossed that field?

No. Okay. Well, yes, with the attunement. That's what I mean, with the attunement. No, we were supposed to only. Well, yes, with the attunement. That's what I mean, with the attunement. We were supposed to only go in there once we have the attunement. How fast do you normally run in with your attunement? Well, it's sort of like a, you know what, your friend here with the loot,

when he kind of disappeared and then reappeared, it's kind of like one of those spells. Like a teleportation. Holy shit. Yeah. Is there, can we investigate, can the magic users here investigate the room and see if we can sort of- reappeared it's kind of like one of those spells like a teleportation holy shit yeah is there um can we investigate can the magic users here investigate the room and see yeah do an arcana check only you and twee get to do it and gendy gendy i'll try yeah uh 21

19 uh gendy got a 24. She says we can try. It looks like there's some artifacts that we're used to on this altar somehow. And the guys are like, yeah, yeah, there's crystals. You're supposed to pray to the crystal on the altar, but there's no more crystals on the altar. Blaine, you were just talking about holding on to crystals for direction. And this all makes sense to you. You feel like maybe if you look around the altar, but there's no more crystals on the altar. Blaine, you were just talking about holding onto crystals for direction. This all makes sense to you. You feel like maybe if you

look around the room, you can maybe find a crystal, place it on the altar, and maybe attune yourself. I'm going to search the skeletons. Crystal hunting. Somebody want to come to skeletons with me? Letty, you want to come to skeletons? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I'm going to look for crystals. Yeah, I'm going to look for them crystals who's approaching the skeleton so you guys approach skeletons and you see there are six of them five guards and what you suspect is five guards and one mage are they all in those white

bleach white skeletons and they're fully clothed and there's a layer of frost on them the guards look like they're in a defensive stance, like they're trying to hold their shields up. They're all armed with sort of single-handed broadswords and a square shield that's got the insignia of Bahamut

on them. And the mage is behind them, sort of like with its hands up and they're frozen in place. All the flesh is gone. All the flesh, all the meat's gone. What was the other god? It was Lolth, right? Lolth and Emberley.

Mm-hmm. And the guards kind of follow you up and they're like, yeah, the door out is kind of behind these skeletons. Can I perceive these guys? Can I just? Yeah, do an investigation check. And can I ask the guards while he's doing that if they think this is the work of one of the other gods?

They say the rumors have been pretty strong that Lothar Umberlee is behind some of this. They don't know which. What'd you get? I got a sweet-ass seven. You got that on an investigation... Oh, type of... It's not perception. It's investigation. It's a different thing. You're not sure. You got that on an investigation. It's not perception.

It's investigation. It's a different thing. You're not sure. Not without touching them. Just by looking real close. Letty, what do you think? Should we touch these guys? I think you can touch them. Let's give a little investigation on them. Do you want to investigate? I'll search through their stuff.

Like going through their clothes? So Tom Nettie reaches down. Starts going through their stuff. Like going through their clothes? Yeah. So Tom Nettie reaches down, starts going through their pockets and such. Yeah. Do a charisma saving throw. Interesting. Wow.

Hey, Ken has 11. 15. Tom, it can has 11 15 tom you suddenly get a rush of uh memories you feel like you're suddenly seeing 36 hour spans of somebody's life you're getting up going to bed getting up going to bed getting up going to bed and you also for a second, hear Tom. It sounds like Nettie's voice in the back of your head. And you just keep going into a loop where you just witness somebody going through a daily cycle at like times 7,000 speed. You're just seeing this person going through some sort of daily routine. And it looks like they're in a barracks.

You catch really smoke. But you're in a barracks you catch really smuggling but you're having a hard time focusing and you just keep hearing netty's voice saying like about once a day tom you guys all see a fucking specter rise out of the skeleton of his pockets he goes and rush into netty and he freezes uh i can magic can you guys can you magic can anyone exercise you're a paladin right no I'm a cook

in the bonus episodes he's a paladin or was before we asked Cord talk to Cord maybe hey Bodhi there's been a request

for Cord yeah I'll talk to him do a religion check oh my god Yeah. I'll talk to him. Do a religion check. Oh, my gosh. On the floor. Holy shit. Take this.

Here, have this 20 while you wait. Let the 20s hit the floor. Or use another one of your 20s. It doesn't matter. You like your own dice. Five-second rule on that 20. Wait and roll the 20, and then I'll take it. That's how that works.

What is this? Perception? You get a plus one on your religion right it's a religion yeah so it's a you feel like 15 yeah you feel you can get like a distant one word answer from cord oh really yeah we're gonna ask? I'm listening. I'm thinking. Hey, brother. Hey! You're done. No, no, just kidding. Help me with the specter here.

A specter, some, like, a skeleton just took over my friend's body. Can you send him out? Dispel. Okay. We need a priest in this group real bad. Yeah, Gendy's like, let me try something. You have Dispel Magic? No.

Oh, well, you're the person. Yeah, I do, but I can't use it roll a little 20 and I'm gonna look at your bonus for you talking to you

roll a 20 Tom I'm frozen I know she's casting something on you seven all right and that is with a plus

one yeah Gendy lays hands on you and you for a second time slows down and you see this guy eating beef stew in the barracks,

and then it speeds up again. Stew again? Hmm? Yeah, what's with the stew? It's part of this guy's favorite dinner, it feels like. This episode brought to you by Dinty Moore. Dinty Moore. Can I slap?

What if I run up and start slapping her? Do a strength check didn't he more implies the existence of a less yeah yes drink check you slap yeah or her wasn't it like a bonus can like wake her up like a milkshake at Mel's nothing I swing again yeah I swing I'm going to swing hard. Typhus slapping hard. Oh, okay. This time we're going to count this as an unarmed strike. 14. Plus six to hit.

That's a 20. Roll a... That's a... Oh, wait. No, hold on. I got an 11. So it's a... Unarmed strike.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. So it's 17. Yeah. Got it. All right. So yeah, you take four points of damage as Typhoid just hauls off and cracks you. And, you know.

Nothing? Tom's face kind of goes, like with the blow, and he's still frozen. She's still frozen. Did you just try to smack the specter out of him? Gendy's thing didn't work? I slapped her, then I fucking punched her.

No, Gendy's like, I mean, I can try something else. I'm thinking, I'm thinking. I don't know what else to do. I am going to I'm going to I'm going to like just pray to Bahamut.

Yeah? Yeah, I'm just going to like this desperate time. Can't get any bag of chips. Do a religion check. Okay. How are you doing? How are you praying to Bahamut?

Think about where you are. Think about what you're going to do. I'm going to fall to my knees dramatically and look up through the ceiling hole and be like, Bahamut, you're prison. Look what's happening. Help. Do a religion check. Oops. happening help your religion check oops uh 11 you almost feel like you get this spark of hope that that's it god damn it i i see what she's doing can i do the same thing can i

does it help if i draw the sword of umberly is that good that's an evil person i know that's what i'm saying you could pray to umberly if you want to be evil about it but yeah i could pray to umberly guess guess what happens then yeah uh all right well i don't pull out the sword but yeah i do the same thing i drop to my knees and i grab my religion check. I'm like, Hey, Bahamut. Bahamut. Bahamut. 17. Something, you feel like a ping in your chest and you feel like there is a spell that will undo this,

but you don't know what. I can't do magic. It's to spell magic, but nobody has it. Is that the deal? Damn it. I do not have it. Roll a 20, Tom.

Time slows down for a minute, and you imagine putting on some plate mail, and you're like, oh, these are actually nice boots, and then time speeds up. Gendy tried casting something again different. And she's like, ah, I feel like I'm almost there. I don't know what it is. I don't know Dispel Magic, but I'm trying different, you know.

I look at the guard. I try removing a curse. I look at the guard. Do you know anything about getting rid of magic? They're like, die. Die. Why would they hire these guys? All we know is something clearly broke out

of the God Slayer prison, came in here and did this. Yeah. Can you ask Zanzarina again? We're on our way to her. Yeah. Can I close my eyes and ask her where she is?

Roll a 20. Give me a religion bonus. 19 plus. Damn. So 21. You sort of reach your hands towards Tom and you're like, and you feel like you've just used up your Zinzerina connection today.

You just can't. You're like, oh, damn it. But you feel like, not Zinzerina really, Jyn Raden. Oh, Jyn Raden. May have been able to help you out if you had not just

sort of re-magically shackled that four-armed monster in the room back there. Can I try to use, can I try to alter the mending spell that I have, the mending cantrip I have, to like put together his psyche again? Mending. I mean, mending won't do it, but you know.

Do an arcane check 21 21's being rolled hey Tom roll 20 21 15 Tom snaps out of it yeah

yay hey what the who how'd you do that I mended you Tom got stuck in a loop and basically you undid

a blessing that was sort of shot back to you from the skeleton you realize Tom that somehow all the spells that were cast on these guys

were turned into a trap. And so these guys were turned into a sort of time loop trap. Oh, that's why all the skins got frozen in time. Like they aged instantly? Yeah. Yikes.

Oh, shit. How does she look? Is she okay? Yeah, but but you feel like that was, if she hadn't gotten a 20 on that arcane mending tweak, it wouldn't have worked. Wow. Thank you.

She's not older. No, she's not older. But she was stuck in some sort of trap. It was a modified trap. It wasn't literally the same thing that the guards go through? I saw boots. You were basically going to relive these things on a fast loop for eternity unless somebody could snap you out of it.

Torturous. So these skeletons are all there, and the guards are like, I mean, they might have a crystal in their pocket or some shit, but we're not touching one of them. One of the skeletons, maybe? I think, yeah. So should we just move them out of the way of the door and just... One of the guards takes a sword and starts knocking skeletons out of the skeletons maybe. I think, yeah. So should we just move them out of the way of the door and just. One of the guards takes a sword and starts like knocking skeletons out.

Yeah. He's like, yeah, I mean, if I don't touch it with my hand, I think we're okay. And they just kind of knock all the corpses. Can I use my mage hand to pick up the robes of the, of the mage and sort of shake them out, see if there's anything. Do an investigation check. 16. Do a investigation check. 16.

Do a perception check. 12. So you just see some dust and weird shit fall out of his pocket. It just sort of lands on top of one of the other skeletons. Okay. It's all enchanted. A bit. Yeah. All right. You. It's all enchanted. A bit. Yeah.

All right. You know what? Fuck it. Fuck these guys. I'm sick of this shit. The guards managed with their swords to kind of clear all the skeletons away from the door, and they're like, we can just go.

We can figure this out. Between here and the door outside. Another hallway. And that's it. Hopefully. But I mean, on a usual our unusual there's sort of a chamber you guys will they're like okay so once we get outside into the submission yard there's sort of a magic bubble and then a sort of magic door so we can see the submission yard for a minute, but we're safe.

So. But other than that, it's just a hallway full of torches once we open this door. I mean, hopefully there's nothing there. But we're about to run through on an infinite landscape, so is it worth us searching around here to find a crystal to do this blessing thing?

Yeah, I mean, you haven't really looked around the room that much before you bail out. Oh, yeah, okay, let's do that. That's a good call. So, everybody do an investigation check. All right. Dan, is a six good enough? No. Tell me if anyone gets a one and tell me if anyone beats a 20.

How about sixes? Are you interested in those? I didn't get a 1 or beat a 20. Nope. Where'd you get Brian? You didn't roll yet. It flew out of there. Perception? 15. Well, lucky for you guys, Gendy rolled a 20.

Yay, Gendy! Gendy says, look at the walls. She guides you guys over to the walls and she says there are tiny shattered bits of dark blackish crystal stuck in the wall if you look

oh so we start digging them out yeah so you kind of go around and you manage to pick out a handful of these things and the guards tell you if we put this on the altar we should So you kind of go around and you manage to pick out like a handful of these things. And the guards tell you, we put this on the altar. We should be good. And they kind of like. I can mend them again.

It's a cantrip. So yeah, he's like, great idea. Great idea. Die. And they put a little handful of sort of. Wow. I feel like we've broken the guards now yeah you put you put like

the um uh Gendy and the guards kind of like make sure you've all got like a little bit of a handful and Esmeralda you kind of just go around and you mend and each of you get a little black like thumbnail sized crystal in your

hand and the guards you, if you guys place it on the altar and say the key prayer, you should be all good to go. The key prayer is, these sins are neither mine nor thine. Do we all say it? Say it to yourselves as you place

the crystal on the altar. Neither mine nor mine. Neither mine nor mine. Neither mine nor mine. Gingerina. You all feel a weird tickle in the back of your head when you do it, but other than that, there's no visible change, or you don't really know how to invoke this spell, but the guards will be like, it's easy.

We'll show you when we get there. Keep these in our hands? They're like, yes. Okay. Remember how, like, a couple episodes ago we wouldn't let that uh that archmage or we wouldn't let that guy put uh the blessing on you blessing on us and now we're like fuck it well you did pray to cord first and cord told you right that's true yeah they were they're about to brainwash us right yeah well now you feel like the archmage might

be dead and shit might be fucking blown in the wind at this point. So perhaps that's why you are so willing. They tell you they think this spell is only going to work when you're in the submission yard. It's unique to the submission yards. You're attuning yourself

to these crystals more than you're like gaining a new spell. Gotcha. So keep that in mind. So what should we expect? we're gonna like run for a minute or two and that's that's long enough in the yard like how long are we tell us what to expect on the other side the landscape changes based on who's being tortured so we'll see when we get there we're we're uh let's just say a full 36 hour shift has gone by where,

uh, things might not have been changed over when they were supposed to in the submission yard. So, I mean, hopefully we can do, it usually takes five teleports to get to the other end, but we're not really allowed in the dome.

We just go there for guard shifts. So we don't know what to expect when we get there either. But like five teleports should get us to the other side once we're through. And do we want to search for Jyn Raiden while we're in? Do we suspect she could be in this yard?

Like should we teleport? The guards shrug. They're like, Gendi's like, well, based on what we know, yes. So should we run in? Do you want to try and talk to her?

I know you can't do powers, but you can. Just like say hi, introduce myself. You guys going through this hallway, by the way, now that you're attuned, are you popping that door open

and going for a walk? Yeah. I think we should know what we're doing before we go through the hallway. That makes sense. Well, I think what we're doing is just seeing what's out there. Okay. Right.

And he's like, we should kind of see the submission yard before we decide to blitz through it. All right, let's do it. So you walk down this hallway, there's magically lit torches along the side, and there is a very simple undamaged door. Quick little look. You realize it's, uh, unlocked you're gonna pop it open yep yep yes who's doing it my mage hand cool uh when you pop it open bright orange light kind of

fires through and you all have to kind of shield your eyes and you're real glad the mage hand did it but it doesn't seem hostile or toxic just bright orange light uh so bright you feel like you might have to step through to really get a good look at what's going on because all of the dimensions of what's on the other side of the door are blurred from all the brightness hmm okay i i'll step through i'll i'll perceive uh as you step through. I will perceive. As you step through, you see there is sort of a waving pink and orange sky, and you're in a translucent bubble. It's a little hard to see directly in front of you, but there is what looks almost like a glass door in this glass-ish bubble.

And you're not sure what the fuck is going on out there, but it looks like there's a series of stone altars, a very large stone contraption in the distance. It looks like it has moving gears on it. And just vines everywhere. Weird, pulsating vines. You don't know what... It's hard to see through the translucent bubble, but... I tell them. Yeah. Seems like at least move forward. You don't know what it's hard to see through the translucent bubble, but I, I,

I tell them, yeah. Um, it seems like at least move forward. The guards and getting nearly. All right. And they kind of go in the bubble with you. All right.

Let's not step on vines. Maybe the ground is a small stone landing. That's a good question. Yeah. One of the guards says, um, you know, I'm only out here usually for guard duty. Uh, there's a good question yeah one of the guards says um you know i'm only out here usually for guard duty uh there's a there's a couple of very specialized people here out in the submission yard

but i'm not normally allowed to talk to them and if i see them i'm supposed to keep moving and i don't remember what they look like like this is pretty much how it looks when you go through it can look like this it doesn't look like anything This is pretty much how it looks when you go through. It can look like this. It doesn't look like anything's particularly haywire right now. Are these specialists, would you qualify them as torture masters? He shrugged. He smiled and shrugged.

That's true. So there's sort of a door and Gendy says, should we just open it? And the guard's like, yeah, you can just push that door open. Just go right through it. And you're coming too, right, guys? Yeah. They're like, yeah.

The guards are getting a little nervous, though. They're sort of getting used to the fact that this is not their shift. They're not normally supposed to be here. And this is creepy place. What do you think about the vines? Do we think the vines are the thing? I think this could be anything. It could be a world to torture.

So Gendy puts a hand on the door and she's like, should I? Yeah. She pops it open. And as soon as she does, you hear sort of screeching in the distance. It's creepy. We can teleport, remember?

We can go blip, bop, bloop. It's creepy. And you see a small, very small but humanoid form hunched over a little stone altar with vines on it. And you just see sort of arcing flame coming out of their hands as they're sort of hunched over. Does it look like Zinzerina? I mean

Jinradina as we saw her? It's small and you see, we'll do a perception check. Just you. Ten. You're not sure. Too hard to tell. It's about 100 feet away. Can I check?

You're going to have to go outside to check. All right. I mean, we can either talk to this figure or we can teleport. That's so fucking creepy. What is happening? What is that? Somebody's phone. That's my chimes, right?

Okay. Wind chimes. Are your wind chimes? It's so creepy. I hope it shows up audio-wise because it's so creepy i hope it shows up audio wise because it's even creepier what's upsetting as you step through um you guys realize there's sort of a stone cobblestone door before we all get axe murdered you're just worried about a giant lock flying in here um there's wind chimes right there when you step through Isn't that what it was? Yeah but there's no wind That's weird

Was it not them? It sounded like wind chimes It was wind chimes for sure Now that I know Now that the idea of wind chimes are in my head It fits perfectly It was musical But it was so quiet and gentle and distant

But Sarah's saying they're not moving she's looking pretty creeped out there's enough of us that an axe murder is not that scary so um what if he's got like four five six what if he's got seven axes dan yeah what about seven axes dan like sam Sam goes first. Chris goes what now? And then fucking Torch goes next. I'm next, but my fingers go first. What's it look like, Dan? Huh? No, I quit.

No, you guys step through, and there's this stone cobblestone road that goes into the distance. You can't see the horizon. You feel like you've stepped into another country. It's way bigger than this part of the prison is supposed to be. Almost magically so. Is the figure hunched over a stone altar? The house is

bigger on the inside is the feeling you get once you go outside in this quadrant. The stone, you see there's little strands of vine that kind of goes across the stone and these vines look like they're laid out across these stone altars and the little hunched figure

notices the number of bodies out on the stone path, and the arcing flame kind of stops, and you can see it starting to waddle towards you. Ugh. So we either engage or we teleport. Those are our choices. Can we teleport? I asked the guards.

Is teleport right now an option? They're like, I guess. What is this thing? Do you know what this thing is? They're like, it might be the torture master. Oh. Or could it be the tortury? Maybe.

Okay. Ho there. Hello. Who are you? You say hello, and you see it kind of cock its head to the side as it walks towards you. You guys going to wait for it to get a little closer? Does it make like a creepy noise when it cocks its head? So far, you just hear kind of like a little clicking on the ground as it walks towards you.

Does it look like a penguin? Almost. Does it have hooves or something? Do a perception check. I can't wait for this thing. Shit, 12. 15. I don't want anything to do with this thing.

Do a perception check, though. Get out of here. 14. Six. Same as Ken. Did nobody beat a 15? Actually, I got a 15. Oh, okay. You guys both

squint your eyes and you see what looks like a little black beak sticking out of a dark blue hood. It's got a blue robe on, a deep dark blue. Is it gone too? And a black beak is sticking out of the end and you see what looks like a long kind of little black fingers, feather-like

fingers sticking out of the arms of the robe. And it's kind of just with little bird feet walking towards you. I don't like it. We're in a blue robe, though. It's a blue-robed hood. There's something on its chest you can't quite feel. I feel like a torturier would not be happy. No, it's probably the master, but still.

Should we at least identify ourselves first? She did say hello and it just kind of cocked its head. It's now about 50 feet away. Alright, bye. We'll see you later, thing. You want to throw out some bread or something? I'm going to walk on. Do you want us to teleport?

Should we just go for it? I would say talk to this thing and then teleport but it's fine. We can go if you want i trust you i need nothing from this thing okay let's go all right so they say um if you squeeze the crystal we should be able to teleport a fifth of the way down um and we we can avoid this thing but right as you're about to do it one of them does go yeah i think that's the torture master great but it's supposedly on our side so i mean it's up to you guys i feel like we're supposed to talk to him okay let's talk it's truly up to you there's more ahead so there will be more with you both on the same page that makes sense But maybe he might have some information. All right. You're going to hold on?

I can never remember the other name for her. Jen Radina. Jen Radina, yeah. Wow, I got it. So it kind of waddles up to you. Hail Bahamut, buddy. Cox its head to the side. Everybody do one more perception check

as it is finally right in front of you. Oh, there we go. 22. Five. 15. 12. Do a religion check. Typha?

11. You're not sure why, but something on the chest looks like it's an insignia of its religion. It looks like two light blue sort of cupped hands going like this. Is that Bahamut or is that loaf? Looks like David Blaine.

It doesn't look like the Bahamut sigil you've seen so far but it's wearing dark blue robes and it's got sort of like light blue. Does anybody recognize it? Does it look like waves or hands? None of... With that perception check it doesn't immediately... It does look a little like waves.

Waves. Umberly. It does look a little like waves. Waves. Umberly. It's got a weird, almost looks like a weapon on its belt. It's like a big metal tube with kind of like a little strange sideways hilt sticking out of it. And it looks like a bunch of tools around its belt. And why don't you do a nature check? I've never seen a gun before, guys, but I think that's a gun.

That's a lower nature roll. That was a nine. You feel like this is a sentient race, but that's it. You don't recognize what sentient race off the top of your head unless Chris the player wants to bust out what he thinks it is.

I think it's a... It looks like a little crow's... It looks like a little crow person. It's a drinky crow. A sentient crow person has walked up to you guys and it's just sort of cocking its head. Is this like the guy from the bonus episode? It seems similar in appearance

to a guy that's been in a bonus episode. Oh, one of those bird people. Yeah, the bird guy. The Aarakocra? Not an Aarakocra, no. to a guy that's been in a bonus episode. Oh, one of those bird people. Yeah, the bird guy. What's your friend? The Aarakocra. Aarakocra. Not an Aarakocra. No, no.

Aarakocras are much taller. This is a race that has been in a bonus episode. And what the fuck? I'll just tell you, Sark played one of these. Oh. Its name was Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Hokey. And just sort of looking up at you. You do feel like any of you could break this thing's neck pretty easily.

It's a little guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just kind of goes. Do you want to bring him up to speed? Speak. Well, if he's an Emberley guy, then. Yeah, I don't really know what we're saying to him. It's kind of waiting for you and it's wondering if it should talk first.

Ask if it's seen Jen Radina. Is that what you say? I don't know. But doesn't he want to torture her? You don't know. As you can see, we're here. The first thing is you say we're accompanied by these guards. We're here to help We have been fighting off the monsters

That created the vines that are attacking the moon And we believe that the source is Somewhere through here It looks at you very intently It's listening on a very intelligent level We were friends with Bexus Bexus was in contact With the mage here on the moon.

She's been very helpful with us. These guards, not so much. These guys, you know what we're talking about. Angle on the guards, look at each other, and shrug. It opens its beak and kind of curls its tongue in its mouth, and you hear a voice that sounds nothing like what you'd expect from this little bird. You hear what sounds like a very gentle elven voice. And it says, hello, my name is Torture Master Gilfrey.

Please state your name in holy entry prayer. Well. These sins are that one? Yeah. Yeah, one of the guards even steps up and goes, these sins are mine. Yeah. Neither mine nor thine.

These are neither mine nor thine. And it sort of cocks its head to the side. And it says, I'm sorry, but as of, say, Luna Mark 112, I am no longer able to schedule tortures for mortal beings. The submission yard is strictly for semi-immortal and demi-god beings. No lunar elves, no goblins. And it closes its beak. You notice its beak doesn't move when it talks.

It's just sort of tongue is like batting against its throat. Are you in the middle of a session right now? Are we interrupting? No, I think it just said it's not. It was like an answering machine. It's not torturing. It says, it looks at you, Esmeralda, and says, current submission project, Melanica, the living swamp nerve,

in a strange, gruff human voice all of a sudden. Alternating from an elven to human voice. Yeah. So there, this is what the special torture room is for that thing, which is not the thing we're looking for. So we might as well just jet on over to where we're going. Yeah.

Our call is important to it. Thank you for your help. Thank you. Have a torture full day. It looks at you and says says I am the torture master yeah I was just encouraging you to do your thing it kind of shrugs and goes back

to the altar hey buddy umberly it stops and turns around and looks at you when you say Umberley. Yep. Let's go. It opens its mouth and says, all hail Umberley. Mm-hmm.

All hail Umberley. It turns around and starts waddling again. I like this guy. All right. Squeezing crystals. Sorry. And you're done with it? Yeah.

Did you guys do this squeezing crystal thing before? No. Didn't you talk about squeezing a crystal in the last episode? It was squeezing a piece of quartz. Oh, quartz. Yeah, but you did, right? Oh, yeah, I did. It's weird.

It was kind of weird. They say if you press it in your palm and just sort of go through the key prayer in your head it should teleport you down this road a fifth of the way let's do it so you do so and as you guys do it you sort of take turns going pop pop pop

pop pop your vision kind of fades horizontally across and you reappear farther down the road. This weird living swamp nerve thing called Melanica is still sort of like splayed across these stone slabs. When you look up at the weird orange and pink swirling flame sky this time, time, now it looks like it's going infinite in all directions. Do a charisma saving throw.

Don't have to sound so excited about it. 10. Oh, no. Uh-oh. 17. Four. Oh, man. It's going to be so good.

Oh, but I have advantage against being charmed, and magic can't put me to sleep. Doesn't apply. God damn it. You don't apply. None of you. You all kind of like. Swallow that bitter pill.

You all kind of like, as you reappear, kind of like, wah. And you have to shake, and you kind of like as you as you reappear kind of like wow and you have to shake and you kind of like stabilize yourselves and you can't remember which direction you came from based on that teleport including the guards they're like it's usually more like kind of landmarks around and uh usually we go as a with a mage that never fails these kinds of we all did did? Distorted, so yeah. Oh, boy. Even Master Gendi? Huh?

Yeah, Master Gendi's like, fuck, I feel like I need to be a mage who trains here to really know how to snap through that teleport thing without getting disoriented. You kind of look up at the sky and around, and yeah, I mean, it's like flatlands with weird stone altars and contraption everywhere. That's torturing this infinitely long vine.

And you see up in the sky, Typha. Yes. Off across in one direction. What looks like an enormous old man's face. Oh, in the sky. Like bigger than a house in the sky floating around. It's got sort of God's bigger than a house. It's dark blue and

scowling and it's got this white tangly hair and beard and mane that just kind of goes in all directions. Looks almost like a spider web kind of flowing out into the sky. And it's just kind of scowling and it's floating across the sky. Kind of staring down at the ground.

That's not the nerve, is it? That's not... It feels separate from what's being tortured. Let's just keep going. Do we want to ask that guy which way to go? Yeah, which way are we going, sir? Who? Blue face?

We're not talking about the giant face, are we? It's in the distance and it doesn't look nice. No, it's looking down at the ground as if it's trying to find things. Cool. Let's just keep going, guys. It can't really hurt, right? Great. Yeah.

As you're about to go, you see the torture master pop next to you and just kind of stare at you. Oh, hi. We're a little disoriented. Are we? Which direction to get across? When you say that, it opens its mouth and it says... Huh?

It was a weird thing to say. I'm sorry. Well, you know what? Tweaky? It opens its mouth and it says, the altars are forbidden. Beatty, beatty. The altars are forbidden. We do not want to stay at the altars. We are

trying to get across as quickly as possible. It just sort of cocks its head and says patience. Okay, which direction? The altars are forbidden. Alright, let's just squeeze. Okay, let's go. So y'all just kind of

Yeah. You reappear. Everybody do a charisma saving throw 18 20 Tell me if you get under a 10 No I got a 1 Plus

My charisma so 3 So plus my charisma so three so um you guys uh y'all reappear and you're kind of like oh boy um and uh esmeralda as you come to you see there's one of the guards is next to you and nobody else. Infinite in all directions for all of you. But there's a guard and a Typha. Or I'm sorry, a guard and Esmeralda are alone and separated from you guys this time. Okay, I grab the guard's hand and I'm like, we got to squeeze back to those other people. He's like, oh shit, okay.

Okay, let's try. Roll another. squeeze back to those other people he's like oh shit okay okay let's try uh roll roll another i keep hitting the wall of this okay i'm sorry let's just keep okay um 14 uh you reappear esmeralda this time you're alone and i was holding his hand huh i was holding his hand yeah oh i tried and uh you see the big face just kind of like like you're alone. I was holding his hand. Huh? I was holding his hand. Yeah. I tried. And you see the big face, just kind of like you're in the same place you were time before last. Squeeze, squeeze.

Roll a charisma check. 15. You guys see her reappear next to you. What's up? That other guy didn't make it. One of the guards didn't make it. I didn't breathe for about three minutes and uh what was happening uh esmerald was almost lost and you see the um this time when you guys

look up there's these weird it looks like white vultures moving in the sky and they're like in like almost mathematical grid like pattern uh vines everywhere. Still stone flat. Altars everywhere. And the guard that's left is like, what happened to Ed? Were you with him? I was. We tried to teleport back together.

I even held his hand. Yeah, that doesn't really help. You got to do your own. I thought maybe he was scared. He probably was. I mean, he's probably. Should we wait for a second and see if he can appear and join us? Yeah, maybe he'll be able to.

Because I just had to come a couple more times. And then I got here. Sure. Oh, it is day. So you guys wait. For a second. I imagine it only took us a couple seconds. You wait a second and the torture master shows up again.

He kind of poofs. Cocks his head. No guard. Hey, we lost Ed. He's one of your people. Make a note. Halt. Halt.

The altars are forbidden. This guy's on a loop. No, this is our last warning. I am the torture master. Oh. We are trying to stop the assault on the moon. I understand you are trying to do your job. Hail Umberley.

Hail Umberley. Without in any way making a move for it i just kind of hands up rotate so he can sort of and i kind of go towards the do a persuasion towards the sword uh 18

um it says uh it says proceed with restraint procedure C begin mercy prayer may I say the thing we're supposed to say it's a different thing begin mercy prayer I look at the guard and say hey my man

he's like I don't know what the fuck the mercy prayer is. Here in my car, I feel safest of all. I can lock all my doors. It's the only way to live in cars. Does that work? The torture master kind of shakes its head and says, I am torture master Gilfry.

No hobgoblins. No. No hobgoblins. Una. No hobgoblins. Unauthorized entry to the submission yard detected. A message has been sent to the Archmages. We were just with the Archmages. The Archmages. We were just with the Archmages who told us we could proceed with our mission,

and then the Archmages' quarters have been attacked. Scream volume is at unusually high levels. Consider contacting your Watchmages about a silence spell in order to maintain your focus. Guys, what do you want to do? Knock this thing's fucking head off. Or we could just squeeze again, right?

Squeeze. Please exit. Squeeze. Roll a charisma check. Fifteen. Eleven. Twelve. Roll a charisma check 15 12 15 19 I'm oriented as fuck Nothing too special this time You don't see anything

Except the stone altars and the vines Nothing creepy This time the other guard's gone No What is up with these dudes see anything except the stone altars and the vines. Let's go again. Nothing creepy. This time the other guard's gone. No, what is up with these dudes? They don't have the best charisma. Do we give them a second? Because what happens when Crow shows up?

Let's give them just a brief moment. I should have told him what I did. Well, I did kind of. The torture master Gilfrey up, and he says, Hail Umberley. Again. Non-threatening. Yep.

Hail Umberley. Point to the sword. Begin mercy prayer. Let's go. Squeeze. Squeeze. Please do not attempt to feed me boiled eggs. I find it offensive.

The other guard hasn't shown up yet. We got to go. Let's go. Squeeze. We got to go. This episode is going to be really weird. We're all chanting squeeze, squeeze, while Bird is like, don't feed me boiled eggs.

Can we go? 19. Great. So you guys show up. 19. Wait, nine? I got a nine. You got a nine.

Who got a nine? No, I got a 19. I got a nine. Who got a nine? No, I got a 19. I got a nine. Typha got a nine. Guess what, Typha? You're by yourself. All right,

I squeeze. Oh, 16. You're alone with the torture master. I go one more time. It turns its head and says,

Hail Umberley as you go. Nine. You're alone again. Naturally. Okay, 19. I didn't even think of that. I thought of the Dawkins song. Hail Umberley! No, you're alone again.

Alone again. Naturally! You're surrounded with everyone else yay you guys are at the steps of a giant uh it looks like a steel coliseum uh it's it's very shiny it's got it's got no features except for one steel door um and you're only there for a second because you've been waiting for Typha to show up. Sorry. Gendy made it all the way with you and then the torture master while you're waiting

kind of makes it right about the same time as Typha and just sort of it still looks curious. It's not threatening you at all. It's just like repeating these lines again. Everybody do a perception check. Five, ten.

Again, Typha. I'm all shook up from my BAMF. 17. 19. Oh, wow. Okay. 19. Buddy and Esmeralda, you get a strong feeling that it's it's trying to like get your attention

a little bit you're not sure if it's threatening you but uh it doesn't really seem that threatening it i mean like you're kind of reminded again that like it's not going for its weapon it's only soon you got the one weapon and uh it's saying weird threatening things but i think it's it's saying weird threatening things, but I think it's kind of, uh, clear at this point, it's only sort of regurgitating what it knows how to say. Right.

And that it doesn't have language of its own and it's smarter than just those lines. Yeah. It's like a minor bird. Uh, but you, uh, you're at the door and,

uh, Gendy's just like, fuck, we don't have one of those cars with us anymore. Okay. So we can wait and one of them might show up, but they might don't have one of those cars with us anymore. Okay, so we got to convince. We can wait and one of them might show up, but they might be getting eaten by the giant face in the sky. I don't know. Do we want to try and communicate with this thing?

Which thing? The crow. The crow can let us in, but we can't bamf inside, can we? Knock on the door. Is the door open? You don't know. The door is there. It's ten feet in front of you now. Let's just try the door. It's locked.

Game over. Can I gesture to the crow? You don't get magically destroyed or anything. No fireballs. I just gesture to the crow giving them the open the lock kind of gesture. It says, only I am permitted to operate submission tool Z. And I like nod to him like, yes, operate.

You sure are. You got that right. It looks at you and says, it says, stop looking at me, creepy ass shit bird. In that weird, gruff human voice again. It is like a myant bird or a parrot or whatever. Do we think this thing can understand us, but it just can't speak back to us? If you can understand what we're saying, blink twice.

Understand. It understands. Oh, but it blinked. Okay. Okay. Would you agree we are not here to cause harm would you agree agree do you understand we are not here to cause harm harm no harm i think we gotta talk, yeah. No harm. Talk like a baby.

I am the torture master. These are the heroes. These, these are the heroes. I mean, Umberlee is an evil. The altars are forbidden. It kinda looks like it's starting to lose interest in you, too, and it's kind of just backing up like, all right. Key, please.

Hail Umberley. Hail Umberley. Key. Key. Open the door? Open the door open the door oh my god i i mean i go over and i like show him it you it it sees what you're doing and it like walks up it just kind of shakes its head and says, fuck the moon in a weird human voice. And opens the door? No. I mime the key again. It kind of like

it feels right. It takes this weird kind of pipe thing off of its belt. Kind of waves it at you. Key? For the door? Does he look like he's trying to give it to me?

Only I am authorized to use submission tool Z. What does it look like? Dan, does it look like a gun? It looks a lot like a fantasy gun. It's got a giant barrel, though. It's a big steel tube that's like a foot long, sticking off the end of it Key?

No Can we knock on the door? Good I'll knock on the door Ping ping ping Nothing Does anyone have a key to anything else That we can show the bird?

Person? No I have my Marriott card. It demagnetizes after 24 hours. On any of my food pack things, are any of them like a little lock-in key kind of a thing that I could...

I think Tom Nettie's got a Thieves Toolkit lock-in kit. He can give it a shot. There's definitely some sort of hole, like kind of on the door latch. All right. Do a, what is that, an investigation check? No. What is that?

I don't remember where it was, actually. We forget every single fucking time. I think it's sleight of hand, right? Sure. That sounds good. I think it's sleight of hand plus your lock proficiency.

It says, please do not attempt to feed me boiled eggs. I find it offensive. Let's get some boiled eggs. Yeah, let's shove a bunch of them down his stupid throat. Sins. Oh, while he's trying to pick the lock, it's saying halt sins. Guys, he's going to shoot you. He looks at you and he says in a weird, gruff human voice again,

emergency debrief. Lord Chasma has awoken and resisted his containment. All magus report to the... That's what happened. Lord Magus? He's just sort of broadcasting. Lord Magus. No. Lord Kazma. All magus report to the...

Maybe that's the blue face. So. Roll. Flat face. Roll. Flat hand. Nope. Now that he sees him picking the lock. Is there anything else here? There's just a door.

Is there anything else along this long wall? No. I mean, it looks like it goes like maybe, I don't know, like 100 yards around. Okay, I knock on the door. Pang, pang, pang. I kick the door. Typha tried it. Ka-clank.

Nothing yet. It's made of metal? Mm-hmm. Can I try to break down the door? Sure, do a strength check. It's a steel door. No hobgoblins. 14.

You just smash into it with your shoulder and you don't even put a dent in it. Is that door big enough that several of us could hit it all at once? What if Bodhi is in it? I'm in. I'll do it. Alright. So you're all going to try to Gendy's going to

sit this one out. One, two, three, hit it. She's like my strength. Everybody try to do a strength check with advantage. 20. Natural 20? So 22, but yeah. Anyone else get a natural 20? I'm giving you advantage.

You all get to roll twice. I rolled twice. I got a 13. And that's strength, right? So 19 on the first one. Oh. 14. And just 15 on the second one.

I mean, this time you get a big clunk, like, dent in it. One other person that got a 20. Can we give it one more go? But this time we're going to dramatically all kick our legs like Vegas showgirls. Just like ka-kong. Sure. At the same time. Everybody do strength check to advantage one more time.

Oh, natural 20. Anyone else get a natural 20? Nine minus two. That's a 20. I got a 19. Is it? Oh, wow. So plus two is 21. Did you just roll two 20s? No 20. I got a 19. Is it? Oh, wow. So plus two is 21.

Did you just roll two 20s? No, I was doing a bit with... So I got 21 total, though. I got 19 again. Oh, goddamn. Yeah, you put another big clunk. Wait, what, 20 and a 21? Oh, wait, but did you get a natural...

I got a natural 20. She got a 21. Oh, okay. Well, this time it goes crack and it seems a little loose. But you can't get it. Let's get off the fucking hinges. Okay, here we go. Keep rolling.

18. Yeah, 18. Yeah, I got a 26. I botched. I got an 18 and a 15. Anyone else get over a 20? No, 18 I rolled a 1 running into a door

You grab the handle And you pull and you pull And the handle just pops off the door Fuck Why was he pulling? That doesn't sound right I wasn't, I was going to push with my shoulder like everybody else. I thought we were pushing.

Cool, you push and the door handle gets pushed in and falls off. Well, let's knock it out with the fucking hands. Okay, we got complete. This is ridiculous. I just flipped Dan off like my mom flips people off, which is we barely put the finger on the other two fingers. Seven minus two. 19.

Try again. He got 22. I got 22. Everybody do a perception check. 14. 16. 18. 16. Or this. 16. 18. 16.

Or 17. 15. Who got the 18? She did. Esmeralda. Esmeralda, you see over the horizon, over the stone thing as you're smashing it, you see the dark blue face just barreling towards you guys. Barreling, you say?

Mm-hmm. Let's pick up the pace. As you see that, you see the torture master open its mouth and it, it, it, it kind of like reaches it's Brian's not waiting for this. He's like looking over my shoulder to see what this is.

But you see, you see the torture master open his mouth, and it just... And that will be the episode. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Okay, Dad. Is it that kitten? It's that kitten.

Oh, my god. Who did this? Stop. It's Torture Master Gilfrey. Happy Halloween, everybody. Sounds like my review of A Star is Born. That was episode 38. Good lord.

Hope you're not trying to go to bed now. That was fucking terrifying. Oh, now it begins. Play in a Gada Davida. Brian Persain dot com. Oh, what's our merch? Near Mint merch. Oh, yeah. We got to figure a bunch of stuff out for that cause we're gonna start stocking

we're gonna have those elderwood towers right but definitely keep an eye out and we'll link that in the social media we have to decide some stuff about like pricing oh yeah okay $100 they're. $100. I don't know. They're great.

$100. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening