Nerd Poker - Episode 38 - Havoccula Strikes Back

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

We left the Ice Five in a critical face-off with their nemesis Havoccula, Dargthur having just tried a risky deception wherein he disguised himself as the Archmage of Vanzervale. Will it work, or will the Ice Five finally fight a big-ass dragon (a mutated one at that)? Well good news, you'r about to find out a few seconds into this episode.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

My name's Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Episode 38 of season three. My friends are here. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hi. My friends are here Chris Sarah I don't know if you've ever gotten me to break before On the high

You know what I mean You've made me laugh before Jesus We said we were going to be nice to each other Hello Dan this is a loopy one. Dan, what's up? Hi.

Blaine. And at the end of the table, Sam. Preha, everybody. Preha. Preha. Somebody did it. Preha. You know who brings us great moments like it's patreon supporters who go by names like true alan

wofford thanks alan thanks eminem eminem eminem thank you karm bottom stock great radio head song thanks wick rotation thanks M&M&M. Thank you, Karm Bottomstock. Thanks, Karm.

Great radio head song. Thanks, Wick Rotation. Thanks, Wick. Thank you, Wick Rotation. Thanks, Tilda's dog. Thanks, TikTok's Pink Sock. Hello! Thank you, Douglas Calabrese.

Thanks, Douglas. And thank you very much. Brian's best role was in Clerks, the animated series. Thank you, Brian's best role was in Clerks the Animated Series. Thank you. Brian's best role was in Clerks the Animated Series. So, did you want to comment further on something?

I wanted to say something about our Patreon, how it's changed. Because we haven't really plugged it on the show. Oh, sure. You know, we've made a few new tiers. But there are more new tiers. Yeah, if you...

Liberal tiers? If you haven't... Oh, my God. Thanks. They're very sweet. I'm going to drink a mug of them. This episode is brought to you by InfoWars. They're very sweet. Sam just popped. Drink a mug of them. God damn it. This episode is brought to you by InfoWars.

Jesus. I mean, it was a reference to these terms. And Jesus. Yeah, if you haven't noticed, it's probably been about a month and a half by the time this episode drops, but we've been building up our tiers. Do check them out. They get pretty fancy, and you do get special bonuses at the top tiers all sorts of fun stuff and uh yeah i mean i could i could go over them no no i just uh i'm not being saucy i'm just you know be saucy no it's changed check it out hey so uh what happened last time on

if only nerd poker nerd if only i remembered 10 minutes ago here let me hit you though with the What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Nerd Poker. If only I remembered 10 minutes ago. Here, let me hit you in the head with a shovel so you flash back. Blang! Who are you? It's me, Brian. I'm the ghost of Blaine Past. I'm here to take you on a special Christmas trip about last week's adventures.

Hit it, Dan! What's adventure? Oh, you'll find out. Here's my voice. Oh, thank god. I'm taking five. Okay, cool. The Ice Five were attempting to sneak back to Timeboat, but they caught the attention of Havocula, one of several dragons

on patrol looking for them. At least the Ice Five didn't attract the attention of the four-winged weird-ass one up in the clouds. But Havocula did make a run for Halcyon. And where we just paused was Dogther imitating the Archmage of Vanzerveil. Saying, stop, They're with me. And now Havocula turns to you. I'm going to ask you to do a persuasion

check. It's like getting off an escalator. You mean everything stops at once. The voice, the music. It's a persuasion check to see if the escalator stopping doesn't

give Havocula whiplash. Shite. So, I mean, you've done a great job of imitating the Archmage. So far, yeah. But how well will your question go over? Oh, Admiral. For persuasion. Please.

Oh, fuck. Bocce boo. Oh, no! Oh, no shit we're dead really yeah straight one okay uh let's see what should i do here plus five my plus five doesn't matter all right well so uh yeah um havacula stops in his tracks um and he stares at you with his eye and he starts arching his neck up cracking open the crystals and you see the weird little mouth appear in the crystals uh in his neck and as he Somebody shoot at that thing. That's the cracking sound of the neck crystals. So as he cracks it up, he says,

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. His voice is not. That was there. He says, They're mine. And that will be your turn, Darkther. They're mine. Because you had said, these people

are mine or they're with me. So he believed you, I guess. He seems to believe who you claim to be, but he does not seem persuaded away from attacking Halcine in particular, who he's got his...

He's got about that far in front of him at this point. So, Queep, you're up. far away about a hundred and thirty feet for you I'm gonna be a schoolmarm but you didn't have to you'd have to roll a hundred on that oh you it wasn't attack uh yeah it wasn't it I only make you do a hundred on a botch on an attack and sometimes for other stuff. But I feel like I had a plenty dramatic enough thing locked and loaded for him to do if you didn't do well.

I didn't shit my pants too or one of my balls dropped. Although if you attack and roll a one, that is very likely. What are you going to do? I'm going to try and close on him. Great, go for it. That's 40 per action. Almost halfway there.

So he was 100 away? More than 100. As you can see, you were behind this farthest tree with Hoshinko. Yes, got it. I'm going to sidle up behind the tree. I, Sarah, just felt like palpable relief as you came closer, like this is actually happening and I'm living it. Like, oh, thank God. Someone's with me

now. It's true. My heart stopped when I botched. It's like D&D's real shit, you guys. I'll say, too, this feels to me like the most intense battle you've had sitting in front of you since

maybe August. That's the Jaws game. Having the miniatures. Well, here comes Hashinka. So she is going to get about halfway through and she is going to do something. So if you can scoot her, not quite to the tree, but yeah, right. Perfect.

So she. Now these trees, these aren't from Dwarven Forge. Like these are from somebody's nativity scene. Those are actually from Spencer Stander, the gentleman that you introduced me to he gave us those trees thank you Spencer Spencer actually means more he gave me a ton of stuff recently that is secret at the moment that you guys haven't got I hope you get to use it me too but you guys have steered in a different direction it's so cool with a meaning we don't die here oh yeah dad's from my school he listens and so cool the way the word dad is. Meaning we don't die here. Dad's from my school. He listens. It's so cool.

Not my school, where my kid goes. Can you read? Brian, can you read? You're wearing a Jaws t-shirt, huh? It says Jaws on it. She's going to attempt to cast... Every t-shirt says Jaws on it. She's going to attempt to cast green fairy fire.

You're totally right. I can't read either. I'm going to say that again for the people who couldn't hear me over blame, but fairy fire. I was trying to do fairy fire. And he fails his deck saving throw. He is now lit.

Awesome. That's with a he's outlined in green light. That means he is really do any attack roll against him has advantage if you can see him and he can't turn invisible that's good so uh enjoy that wait any attack i'm sorry what was the first part any attack roll against that creature has advantage if you can see it okay that's a really good one

so that was her turn tick tock you're up um if i move right now i'm sharing a hiding spot with the doctor if i move to that tree back there where dark there was am i within 150 feet of him yes okay you're already within 100 150 feet is like from you to this right but i'm just trying to spread out targets so my first move is to move behind that tree back there brian could you move us back there and then him and gus shoot no no that's dr put him back tick tock oh thank you uh so i will shoot with my yes goes with you yeah shoot with my longbow. Oh, yeah. And you get to roll with advantage.

What a great day. 22. That is a hit. Okay. I'm going to make that one also the bursting arrow. So it's going to take an additional 2d6. Of what kind of damage? That's 2d6 of force damage. Thank you. So first

for the arrow, it's 8 points of piercing and then additional 9 points of force. Wow. Then I will shoot a second arrow. He snaps his neck down and

focuses on you. 25. And then this will just be a regular arrow. So that's 11 points of piercing. You rolled a 25? Is that what you just said?

To hit. No, no, no. 25 to hit? Yeah. Wow. I just was not paying attention for a second. That's pretty great. Thanks.

Yeah. And then did I say eight points of piercing? Yes. And then with the rest of my little movement, just to get behind that tree. I know I can't physically hide as an action, but that's what I'm trying to do is just get covered. Yeah, do a stealth check.

Brian, will you do me a favor just for reference? Will you scoot him behind? Yeah, well, I guess you can move the whole tree, Brian. Sure. Eleven. Brian's being sneaky today. Alright, noted your eleven. That'll bring us to Gus.

Is he going to do anything, or is he just going to stick to you? Gus, why don't we just hang here for a bit? I like you, boss. Me too, boss. Dr. Uy, you're up. No more Gus dying. Hey, do we... Is this guy flammable at all?

I mean, he doesn't look especially flammable. No, he looks like a big, leathery dragon. Okay. He's not made of sawdust. he's is he floating is he on the ground he uh was rushing so he was sort of using his wings to glide fast smashing through the smaller foliage and he did stop on his legs just a second ago so he's currently planted on all four and where's his head his head is doing what it's it's sort of looking in uh your and tiktok's direction is he's more got his eyes on the tree

where tiktok just was uh but that's pretty close to where you are it's that's why i was being so persnickety about the eye line there because you are behind a tree near where he's staring. Okay. Well, I'm going to take out that telekinetic eye that I have. Yes. And I'm going to... It's got four charges that you know of in it. I'm going to use it to pin his head to the ground. Ooh. What?

Okay. So do a spell attack roll. He's going to contest this. In the people's court? 17. He got a 27. Remember when the chili peppers were on that show?

So you push that. For a second, you see his head kind of bob, and then he just shakes it off. Okay. All right. Good to know. Shake it off. You now have right. Good to know. Shake it off. You now have three charges

in your dragon eye. Okay. You, I guess, have strapped to your back or something. We didn't really get too into the detail. I have it on my back

like Yoda. Awesome. It's Havocula's turn. We're like, bleh! Patton and I when we tour. Hey, swing over by that ATM.

Habakkuk kind of shakes his head side to side, looks around, looks back at the tree where Halseen is standing. He definitely could see you run behind the tree. First thing he's going to do, he is going to run up to the tree right next to you,

Halsey. Dan, are you going to do some Michael Winslow sound effects right now? He's going to rip the tree up and knock it to the ground. Get in the car. He is... I'm going to pause for a second while Rhodes trips over my power cord.

You all right there, buddy? Oh, okay. Let me plug my laptop back in. It's in your room, Dad. Cool. Way to go, Brian. Night, Rhodes. I don't know where his iPad is. Check your ass closet. So many bedrooms are up there.

No, that's Mildy's. If you ask, it's funny for a while, and then when you're really looking for something, it feels mean. He cocks his head back, and you hear this horrible whistling roar come out of his mouth. I'm going to need a creep. How seen? And, uh,

Hoshinko is going to do this to a wisdom saving throw. Oh boy. Go, go, go, go. 20 saving throw. Oh boy.

Natch. Nice. 19. Oh boy. All right. Well, 21. Hoshinkinka blinks

and runs away oh no so she well her turn she's gonna do something but she's frightened that ring on her says frightened Dan sure do

alright and now he is going to turn back to you two. And he has multiple attacks per round. So first he is going to attempt to clamp his jaws down on Halcine. Oops. It's a cheap move. Is a 25 to hit That's good right or bad I mean, you know the other good So that is...

16 points of piercing damage and 5 points of lightning damage. Could be worse. As he clamps his jaws. 21. He's got a lot of piercing damage. There's people at Burning Man. You ever seen those guys? They've got piercings all over the place.

I do have a reaction when I'm attacked by a creature within five feet of me that I can see. Uh-huh. So does that happen now? It sure does. Okay. I can use my reaction. This is the wrath of the storm. Oh, shit.

I can use my reaction to cause the creature to make a dex saving throw. DC 14. 12. So it's going to take 2d8 thunder damage which is what i'm choosing plus then because of my new shield what's your shield is there a limit on how much i can use that feature cool so then it's gonna actually take it's gonna take 2d8 he's gonna take 2d8. He's going to take 2d8 thunder. Ah! Don't roll that. Roll the 8! Well, okay, I can do this one, but so he's going to take 5 thunder damage and

12 force damage. Nice! 5 thunder damage. And how many force? What did I just say? You said 12. I said 12. 72, 87. All right, great.

Well, yeah, you smash it right into his head after he attacks you and he shakes his head again. I was not expecting this. Do you flicker your fire eyes at him again? Not right now. I got to focus on some other stuff. Yeah, he is now attempt going to attempt to smack queep down i beg your pardon um don't smack me all right so he's in line

it's gonna be uh 22 to hit six so you're gonna take nine points of slashing damage as he backhands you with one of his claws how seen you're up I am? you sure are

well I do not have a lot of hit points left however i'm standing right here so i'm gonna go ahead and cast um shatter okay um now uh a creature made of inorganic material such as stone, crystal, or metal has disadvantage on the saving throw. He has crystals in him. Maybe. Okay. I'm just hoping. So he has to make a constitution saving throw.

I'll tell you who needs to make a constitution saving throw. That's right. Congress. 14. Every time. What spell save do you see? 14. Oh, he just made save did you see? 14. Oh, he just made it.

Okay, so he's going to take half as much damage. Plus my, again, my Typhoon Lagoon shield is going to come in handy. Whoops. Hold on. 13. So he's gonna take um oh wait he's gonna take eight um thunder damage and then he's gonna take eight force damage nice and then i'm gonna try to immediately be getting away from this area but i don't know that i have time on this turn to do that.

You can't. I mean, you have movement. The thing is, he gets to take a swing at you if you run away from him. Unless you have an ability that lets you disengage. I don't. So I guess I'll just. You would know that with him facing down. Yeah.

If you turn and run, he's going to. I'm not going to turn and run. I'm just going to maybe start edging slowly back. You get distance if you take the risk. I'm not going to turn around. I'm just going to maybe start edging slowly back. You get distance if you take the risk. I'm not going to get any distance. I'm just letting you know as a role-playing choice that I'm starting to move backwards mentally. Got it, got it.

You're taking kind of like a retreat stance. Yes. Okay. Dig it. Dark three rep. Oh, and by the way, when you do that, you do see some of the crystals in his neck just sort of pop and hiss. You don't see anything explode or anything,

but it's quite a loud bang that you hit him in the head with, and it seems to react a little bit. Yeah, you're up, buddy. I cast Hail of Thorns. Uh-oh. And I shoot an arrow at him. So can you remind us what the special Hail of Thorns bonuses are? what the special Halothorn's bonuses are?

Well, any damage I would already do plus he must make a dex saving throw. Oh, he failed. Yes. And then he'll take 3d10. Roll it. Remember, you gotta roll your arrow damage

if you hit. This is the hit for his advantage. Remember, you have to roll your arrow damage if you hit. This is the hit for this fan. Remember, you have advantage on this attack. Yeah. He is outlined in green fairy fire. So you roll again because you might get a 20. Mm-hmm. I got a 21.

And then that's a 24. It's a hit. Cool. You guys are rolling pretty good, honestly. This is not hopeless. Don't patronize him. Don't get me wrong. He's going to hurt you some more.

I don't think that was necessary. I was most impressed with your ability to not be frightened as he cocked his head back. That was very good rolls on your guys' part. 16. Damage? Yeah. What kind is that? Oh, you found that one.

Nice. Chris found it. It's piercing. Great. Chris and Peter Ustinov. We looked in the ass closet. Is that both your hail of thorns damage and your regular arrow damage together? It's a walk.

You still got to roll your arrow damage. Oh, no, that's what that was. Oh, no, I never rolled my regular arrow damage. Yeah, your arrow connects with his torso, and so does your hail of thorns. It's looking like it's about dead, right, Dan? He's never looked worse. I mean, he just looks hungover. He's a total walk of shame, right? How about the Brian?

I made an eight. Hmm? Preha. Preha. I do have an eight, Andy. I love PrehaHaw. Pre-Haw. I do have an 8-handle. I love Pre-Haw. Enjoy. So much.

It's the prequel to He-Haw. Any more? What is it? Pre-Haw. It's called Pre-Haw. It's the prequel to He-Haw. So you get a junior samples origin story. His father was senior samples.

It's alright. 13. Put you back in the Opry. I don't want to go back in the Opry. I'm going to put you back in the Opry. So you guys all see the Archmage of Vanzervale fire an arrow and hit Havocula in the gut with an explosion

of arrows. Nice. That's your first attack. You can make a second. You can't do Hail of Thorns again, but you can shoot another arrow or run at him. Definitely shoot another arrow. Other stuff you could probably do too. Shooting an arrow. Roll that 20.

Well, we're getting rid of the advantage. Oh, yeah. Ha! Better! Great. Natural 20, guys! Oh, damn it! You should fill him up with sour juice. That's a hit and you get to

roll double your dice damage. So roll your dice damage, add whatever your damage modifier is, but double the dice. Yeah, help yourself to my dice, Brian. Does that one get it uh what you want to call them a hundred uh percentile die uh yeah i got a crit table why don't you uh roll 100 after that damage brian uh 14 and then 100

Did you double your damage? Did you double your dice damage, Fran? Oh no, so 28 Holy smokes That's fantastic And then, what am I doing? Roll 100 for your critical

damage And then what am I doing? Roll 100 for your critical damage. We definitely need some music up here. This is like the slowest pace. Like a battle scene where everybody's just like chilling. I will say, Guy. Dan's like sipping on a mug of coffee. 42? Yeah, scale 1 to 100. Oh, it's the meaning of life.

So this arrow actually lodges right in his neck 42? Yeah, scale 1 to 100. So your this arrow actually lodges right in his neck between some crystals. And it goes and he's shaking his head very distracted right now. Queep, you're up. Yeah, I'm going to chop him with my

great axe. Use your crossbow. Yeah, he's right in front of you great axe okay chop his head off remember you have advantage yep 19 that is a miss so wow

yeah all right 19 is a miss yep okay good to know good to know guys 24 that's a hit a miss. Yep. Okay, good to know. Good to know, guys. 24. That's a hit. And may I say quite a sassy 24 I just got. Will that do it for you?

Yeah, I know. Oh. Seven. Okay. You hack at him. I'm sorry'm sorry i'm sorry i rolled the wrong guy i you do not hack at him anger oh my god four oh and you rolled more dice didn't you so you got excited and then you were let down i didn't mean to laugh at you, but I was empathizing. I'm not looking at you, Dan. It was an uncomfortable kind of laugh that I did. All right.

So unfortunately, shit ain't going great for Hashinka. So basically, she's going to stay right where she is and try to shoot an arrow. Cool. And she only gets to roll once because it undoes her advantage. You can turn her around. She's not going to flee, if you would be so kind. But yeah,

she's a little too nervous to land an arrow in this guy. And she can't take a step forward you see her try to get closer and she just can't bring herself to do it tick tock you're up uh step out okay fire an arrow which side uh same same as before so just yeah just a little bitly uh 25 it's a hit. I will do the same thing as before. So first, just the regular arrow damage is 12.

And then another force like grenade. Okay. That's an additional nine. Okay. And then I will shoot a second regular arrow. Okay. and then I will shoot a second regular arrow okay

how's an 11 that is a you're just going to shoot wide by like 10 feet at least it wasn't a botch the other one was a natural one he rolled a 1 and a 2 1 and a 2 holy moly

so I will then duck back behind the tree. Looks nice back behind there. I might come join you if I can. You should. I'm just going to have Gus clinging to you unless you tell me to have him do something else. Dr. Ud, you're up. I will say to him, if you want to do something, you speak up, pal.

No, I'm good. Dr. Ud? I'm going to moonbeam him. I don't want to waste any more of these charges. Or should I waste a charge? Not waste a charge. Trying to smash his face. Would Gus know how to kill him? No, Gus is very delicate, actually.

That's a 17 for an attack. That's a miss. Your boy trying to just... Oh, wait. Oh, sorry. What are you trying to attack him with? I'm doing a moonbeam spell. Sorry.

Okay, so he needs to make a constitution saving throw. And my spell attack is... So that's a 23. Rolled a 19. So that means I believe he is going to... Is it a spell attack or is it a save that he needs to make? He needs to make a save and you don't need to make a spell attack. But what's your spell save DC?

It's got to be lower than a 19. My spell save DC is It's got to be lower than a 19. My spell save DC is a 14. Yes. He's going to take half of the 2d10 radiant damage that you're about to roll. Cook him. And this is going to stay on him.

Yes. And you can move and keep it on him. It's like this spotlight of white 12 light. He's going to take six points of radiant damage as this moonbeam shines down on him. I'm being

followed by a Oh, fuck. Really more of a dog Stevens person. I don't know where that one was going. Oh, cat Stevens. He is going to cock his head back and belch lightning at you two

who are right in front of his face. Cool. I'm going to need you to do a dexterity saving throw as he opens his mouth wide until his broken jaw unhinges and you just see an electric storm explode out of his face.

Brian, have you ever seen an electric storm live? Yes, I have. They open for Dragon Force. 19. 16. I saw them at a party where the destruction of Jared Sin happened. Alright, so you're going to take half. You're going to take happened. All right. So you're going to

take half. You're going to take full. Oh, no. You have something to say, Sarah? Yeah. Before the naughty

stuff happens. Well, it's too bad because if I could have if I was taking half, I could have taken none. But 18 dexterity

saving throw requirement. Somebody better get ready to come drag my ass out of body out of here. Don't worry, we have a cleric. Yeah, too bad.

Hmm? Oh. All right. That's going to be 26 points of lightning damage. Oh, gosh. Each of us or I have? You have it. Oh, gosh. Each of us, or I have...

You have it. You take 13. Where you at, Halcine? Negative. Wait, I'm trying to do math. Oh, God. How much did you say? 26. Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, God. Hey, Bill Paxton. Yeah, I mean, I'm unconscious, but I'm not. That's Ryan O'Neill, right? Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. I'm negative 15 or something.

From what movie? That thing doesn't matter anymore, right? I forget what movie it is. Ryan O'Neill. I really can't focus right now while they're talking. It doesn't. Your friend's dead. I'm not dead.

No, but you're gonna i believe death saving throw so i don't think i do one yet do i do one now or do i do one next it's gonna be whenever you start your turn next you're gonna make a saving throw but she's at zero so she's you see how scene go down i didn't die instantly i didn't he didn't take me out completely so you know at least you're suffering saver guys and let me see that's going to be his turn slingshot some good berries

into your mouth from way over here it is your turn however Halcine so why don't you do your first death saving throw roll a 20 please if you have any saving throw. Roll a 20, please. If you have any saving throw modifiers on you, it helps, but I don't know if you do. Saving throw modifiers?

Yeah, do you have any kind of spell cast on you currently or ability that inherently helps you with saving throws? With death, no. I mean, I have, yeah, no. Nope. So that's one fail. Dark, three are up

you see Halcyon go down he's getting lit up also okay I'm how far can I get how close can I get you can get um the whole way just there can I stab him

I'm going for him and to get his attention off of her Yep Okay He's definitely He looks pleased that someone went down Okay You can get right up to him

I'm gonna slide under him and stab his dick Go for it Slide your little man over And roll with advantage on that dick I hold up Gus so he can see Like a kid at a parade. Hey, hey, hey. I'm hacking and slashing so it's for both. Advantage on both.

I'm two-handing and I'm sliding on my knees. You know what? You know what? First roll an athletics check. No, that's not sliding on my knees. Yes, no, roll an athletics check. I'm just going to run at it. I just want to see how you do, buddy. But I don't have to do it if I'm just running.

It's true. But if you want to go under him. I'm not going to do dramatic. No, I'm just going under it, and I'm going to hack and slash. I might let something special happen if you do well at it, though, Brian. I don't want to jinx it. Okay. I'd rather just do some damage.

Yep, I'll take that one. Oh, brother. Is that an actual 20? He just critted. Oh, on his nards. Yep. I'll take that. Oh, brother. Is that a natural 20? He just critted. Oh, on his nerds. Yep. Nerd crits. Voculus got nerds.

We can't do this every episode. Yes, we can. Not you. I meant attacking. I just want to apologize. I meant attacking. I don't have to roll again, right? Wait.

No, you don't. No, you just take that one. You take your crit. You got a double double. The other one. Roll your damage on the first one before you hold your second attack nerd okay can't the ice five be known for attacking people in the crotch i mean is that really what we want honestly it's just too many monster squad references i was just trying to maybe we're just peepee i thought the best way to get him to turn away from you is to attack his rear end. Yeah, absolutely.

Is it his rear end or his near end? His tail end. What's your damage on your crit, man? Where's the dragon's butthole? And roll a 100 on it, too, please. Yay. Imagine dragon balls. That's 13 total. Did you double it? Imagine Dragon Balls. That's 13 total.

All right. Did you double it? Oh, no. 26. But you're not doubling the plus. You just double the dice and then plus. Okay. So 16. What is that?

27. Okay, 20. Nice. And roll your second attack. Does he get to roll percentile on that crit? Yeah. Nice. And roll your second attack. Does he get to roll percentile on that crit? Yeah. Nice. We'll go ahead and roll 100.

What? Roll 100 for your crit. Fancy, fancy. 48. Yeah, I mean, he's very distracted by the fact that you're hacking at his cloaca region. I mean, there's a lot of non-mammals, so this is relative. at his cloaca region. There's a lot of non-mammals so this is relative. Is 16 a hit?

No, that's a miss. Nothing on that last one. Got it. Queep, you're up. Grabbing Alcina and dragging her away. Okay. So that is going to give him an opportunity attack

to hit you as you drag her away. What's your AC? If you pull out of his attack range, he gets to take a swing. That's the way it always goes. He rolled a 15.

So you can pull her if you're dragging her either 20 feet or you can roll an athletics check to try to hoist her farther it's up to you yeah can you turn around and your butt's on fire and then you sit down in a bucket right athletics woof you get her yeah fell down on top every time i try to carry someone. Bring it a little closer. There's a little ambitious there. Yeah.

All right. So then that's going to be Hashinka's turn. So death saving throw, please. Wait. No, no. Why did I look at you and thought you were Hashinka? I don't know. I'm not Hashinka.

I know. I had one of those moments where I just didn't remember what words meant and it was very embarrassing. Yeah, she misses. She fires a bolt and misses. No one's talking anymore. Words mean. How far away am I from that dragon? 80, 100 feet.

Okay. And what's the deal with this executioner's axe? What do you mean what's the deal with it? It's cursed. What do you mean, what's the deal with it? It's cursed. You can't let go of it without making a saving throw. I wish I could do a better Seinfeld than I could do. What's the deal with it? It's not your best weapon.

Okay. You can't. I just want to make sure I'm not neglecting some super damage. You have to make a check to know it's not. It's kind of something you're having a hard time letting go of. Okay. I will, same deal, step out. Arrow.

Great. Roll with advantage, please. 27 to hit. That's a hit, all right. That's a fucking amazing hit. Sorry, no. 11 damage all right same deal and as i'm shooting the second arrow i'm saying to gus hey boss maybe you should just see if anybody else is coming like don't attack this dragon but like maybe like do a little you know is there a is there an assassin? Is there another dragon? Flies up a little bit.

Great. Starts making around. Second attack. 24 or... Yeah. Okay. Ooh. Nine piercing.

All right. So while Gus is sweeping around, I will... Do a stealth and a perception for him, please. And then tell me what you have in mind. Exactly. Stealth. Jeez. 13.

Here I come. Perception for him. Oh, 18. All right. You're not sure if Vakula saw him flying around. Okay. But he does a little loop. Is there anything specific you were about to say before I told you what roles I wanted you to do?

I'm going to use my movement to cross to this closer tree so that hopefully on the next my next attack I could move it. Behind it though? Yeah. Still hiding behind it. But that would get me for the next round close enough to attack him

like melee, right? Yeah. You don't see anything through his eyes. He does a little circle around. Seems clear of other dragons for the moment. That'll bring us to Dr. Uib. Still got the moonbeam going on him. So does he roll another

constitution or another check or whatever? He's got such a great constitution. A 10. He rolled real low. Oh, okay. So that's the full damage. That takes full damage. Yeah.

13. Noted. How does the dragon look? Angry. But like bleeding? Other than the small little chips happening to his various parts you're not really seeing uh any signs of one thing or the other but he's also just a rough looking dragon anyway crusty ones out all right is that it for you dr hood i think that's it. That's all I can really do, right?

I can just hold this thing. I can. Okay. So you see a queep, one of the little tentacles coming out of his shoulders kind of point at you for a second and start rotating in place. I'm going to need you to do a dexterity saving throw, please.

Where'd it go? One and a half went away. 15 plus your modifier, which is? I think it's three, but I'm not sure. I heard it was plus 20, Ken. No, at least. Something like a number. You know what's weirdly distracting? Seeing you pull up

D&D Beyond on your phone and then seeing an article I wrote on D&D. I know, I saw your name. I was like, wait a minute, that's a picture of me. It's loading. So we've got a 15 plus an unknown dexterity modifier that is...

Okay, Dan, tell us about the two stories you've had so far. Yeah, I have a thing called Fantasy and Comedy, and I have a thing where I made up a new alignment. They let me make up a new alignment called Lawful Petty. So I'm writing a bunch of pieces for them. By the time this comes out, they'll probably be like... She was great in Point Break. I make a joke in the article...

It's great if you feel like a refugee. ...about Lori Petty, for the record. But yeah, yeah, but yeah so you see you see a black energy beam shoot out of it and just miss you another tentacle fires a bolt at you

I'm going to now need you to do a wisdom saving throw god damn it five alright a wisdom saving throw. Dang. God damn it. Five. All right. You guys see a pink beam slap right into Queep's chest.

Queep, you are now asleep. You see Queep flop to the ground. It's like those birds in Close Encounters that get gassed. Right next to Halcine. Night night. I'm asleep.

Guys? I'm so sleepy. Guys, we're over here. So you're asleep, you're dead. I'm not dead. I'm trying not to die. Can you get to her and throw some pebbles in her mouth? Or whatever.

I can try, Fred. I got fruity and cocoa, Fred. I could probably throw a cinder block at her head if you want. You've now referred to them as beans and pebbles. Grandpa gets things wrong. You now see him turn around. Seriously, can he direct his energy elsewhere?

Turn around. No. He's going to fly over this tree and attempt to knock the tree over. However, as you can tell, it is the biggest tree, so he's got to make a pretty good strength check to knock the tree over. However, as you can tell, it is the biggest tree, so he's got to make a pretty good strength check to knock the tree over.

The biggest tree in Christmastown. He smashes into it, and it kind of bends to the side. Ah, fuck you. But he's definitely got his eyes on you. That is going to bring us to Halcine time for another one of those death saving throws here we go this is a good one this is a good one

13 okay so what is it what do you have it's not pebbles or beans what the fuck oh I have a thing called health skittles. And you put them in your mouth.

And the green ones don't taste like lime anymore. They taste like green apple for some reason, which I think is a mistake from the magical planes. What are they fucking called? Berries. Good berries. Good berries. Jesus.

They're technically fruits. First they're a candy, then they're a gum. I'll never do that again. Darkthor, the large, winding, crystal-encrusted tail of this dragon just sort of is waving around you, and you're sort of barely able to stay on your feet as it pivots around you. You are up.

Okay. So... You're next to its tail, and it's... Tell me exactly where the soft parts of him are. I do a perception check. All right. As far as you can tell, none. But what would I have thought before?

I mean, he's... the crystal almost looks like armor. But then the purple is like leather? Yeah. Tough leather? Yeah. All right. What do the wings look like? This is fucking crazy.

Cut his peepee again. The hourglass is flipped. Yeah, I think that's a better idea than what I was gonna do. I'm just gonna hack and slash at him again. Okay. Roll his advantage. Imagine dragon wangs.

Buffalo wangs. Roll your second attack. They're wild, wild, I tell you. Oh, dear. Jesus. Oh, yay. What was it? 20.

Yeah. Natural? Yeah. Oh, roll your damage, buddy. Double, double. Roll in, roll in. Yes. This roll brought to you by Wander Bread

Oh I'm a wandering Yes I'm a wandering I roam around, around, around Around in bread Fuck, hardly anything Six Okay Because you doubled the dice on that

Yeah But again, doesn't he get his crit? Yep, roll your 100, buddy. Buddy, buddy, buddy. Turned into Dave Rath all of a sudden. You know what I did? I set up all my dice so I know where my eight is. Ah, smarty.

Yeah, I should do that every episode. Instead of going, hey, guys, what is my eight? What I've been doing for fucking seven years jesus christ 83 oh roll uh 2d one of my favorite years 2d6 2d6 2d6 it's your return of the jedi came out it's your i graduated your i dressed as salacious chrome for halloween the year uh kids started to like me in high school. Aww. Boy kids are gross kids. 82

not as good. It would be another 13 years for me. 81 worse. So yeah, as you hack at him this second time, you do collide with a not soft but more vulnerable part of his thigh and this is going to do some extra damage.

Another eight plus. Is there a plus to it or just a... Nope. Okay, cool. This is just your bonus crit damage. Got it. I'll take it. Bonus crit.

Wrap it up, right? Fabulous Thunderbirds. I'll take it. Man, this is going to be a... It's your favorite band. Queep, you remain asleep. Of all time. Sure.

You are zonkered out. I hate music. That rhymes with my name. I love the Fabulous Thunderbirds. Sleepy's your favorite band. Queep, you remain asleep. Of all time. Sure. You are zonkered out. I hate music. That rhymes with my name. But I love the fabulous Thunderbirds. Sleepy Queep. Sleep, Queep. Hoshinka is going to run over and attempt to stabilize Halcyon. Yes.

Do it. That is a good move. Yeah. She just did a medicine check of... Is she no longer frightened? I mean, she's going to be stabilized but unconscious. Halcyon. I'm just checking her

medicine. She should put like a shale stone in her mouth. That'll probably fix her up. She rolled a 21 on her medicine bonus. So you are stabilized. You know who should check their medicine? But you are unconscious. You're still unconscious. At zero points. So you no longer have to make death saving throws

Sarah but you are You're unconscious at zero hit points You know who doesn't make any sense Congress Sarah did not applaud Perhaps because Everyone is ignoring her Unconscious body

She's alive that's great Who's unconscious Congress okay her unconscious body. She's alive. That's great. Who's unconscious. Congress. Okay. That was. Boy. You know who has to make a death saving throw?

America. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And Congress. Queep. Yeah. You suddenly get jarred.

That seemed like a threat, so I figured it was better to just, you get jarred one more time for Congress. Did we love you? I know you've just never given less of a shit about what I'm doing. You shouldn't hate us. I don't hate you. I just,

he does hate us. Don't worry for me to focus. I have to ignore all the jokes. Uh, queep. You wake up as Hashinka kicks you in the face. You take two points of damage as she kicks you in the face to wake you up. What the fuck?

Who kicked? The only way you can wake up a magically sleeping character is to do damage, and she seems aware of it as she... That's hilarious. Did she kick him with her crystal peg? Yeah. Yeah, it's with her prosthetics Did she kick him with her crystal peg? Yeah. Yeah, it's with her prosthetic. She kicked me

with a crystal peg. TikTok, you're up. All right. Hey, doctor. All right. Doctor. Yes. I'm gonna go right. You go left. Okay. I run around the tree. Three stooges action and uh i start chopping at that motherfucker with my axe roll to attack please

feel bad for sarah the last fight she was split from the party and now she's just fucking nuked uh it's a 23 at least she's not dead I did a bunch of damage before I went out That's true, that's actually true That's 11 Points of damage Would you roll on your attack? 23, so 11 points I will say you guys have done over 200 points of damage

To the dragon at this point I will swing with my axe again We convert these into miles 13 Probably not All right, I will swing with my axe again. Okay. We convert these into miles. 13, probably not. Nope. I'm going to action surge and do this again. Okay.

Oh, shoot. That would have been a good one. 20. Not natural, just a 20. That is a hit. Cool. At this point. Ooh, 15 slash. I will give away. You need a 20. That is a hit. Cool. At this point. Ooh, 15 slash.

I will give away. You need a 20 to hit this dragon. Fuck. Really? Okay. So that was 15 slash. Okay. And one last one.

Dog it. Yeah, it's a 23 to hit. That's a hit. Nice. Again, 15 slashing. Okay. This time when you connect your axe with him, it rips his flesh in a way where it kind of parts a little bit and black blood kind of sprays out.

Good. Jump in. Jump in. You're full of hot fudge. Is there an ice cream bar, yeah there's gonna be in a second oh my god i don't that joke i feel like was one of my favorites i've ever heard on this podcast there's gonna be in a second is the weirdest uh cool that's turn. And that brings us to Gus. Is he just wanted to like keep on scout duty?

What do you want him doing here? Yeah, I think so. Okay. Doesn't I mean do a perception stuff? Yeah. Last time he got killed. Okay. So perception for him.

Oh, no, he doesn't have 21 perception. Great. He's he's confident. he doesn't see anyone coming at the moment cool um but he does say um he started to notice patterns in the clouds and it does look like that giant dragon was maybe recently cutting through them you see he says he sees like still searching though uh to the south okay still searching but he doesn't see it actively move he just says it's like when you you see the contrails of a plane that maybe went by. Are you fucking kidding me?

There's another dragon? There's a bigger one. Jesus Christ. There's a bunch of them. Remember, I bring three large backpacks here every time we play a show. Three large backpacks. Your mom has three?

Hey. Dr. Udrup. You're right. I'm going to keep on moonbeaming. Dr. Udrup. You're right. I'm going to keep on moon beaming. This time he got a 16 on his dex check. What does he need? My spell save

my spell attack bonus is a six. Spell save DC is a 14. So he's going to take half on it. Will you roll that moonbeam damage. That is... So this beam of light is following Havocula as he stomps towards the tree. Which I think he realizes at this point no one is hiding behind. He doesn't know.

Anymore. Well, I mean... Six and five. He saw two people come out from behind it. He's got plenty of targets to choose from. Six and five, 11. Knock that in half, Mr. Dungeon Master. Okay.

Five and a half. Is that it for you? You're going to run around like a silly boy? What are you up to? How dare you? You know what? I'm getting a little concerned. I'm going to cast a protection from electricity on myself.

Nice. All right. Let me just check something. Protection. And it did not kill me so to make sure it's not a concentration spell um do you have oh right the uh break your moonbeam i mean which it depends if you want to keep moonbeam running this this would break moonbeam you know what i'm gonna keep moonbeam running. Okay. Sounds good. That'll bring... And I'll just get ready to run for my life.

You can move. You've got distance you can make. You could move behind a tree. I'm going to start heading over towards Halcyon. You can make the full distance if you want. You're going to get right up to... I'm going the distance. Okay. What about speed? Are you going to go for that? Yes, I'm going the distance. Okay. What about speed? Are you going to go for that?

Yes, I'm going for it. Everyone loves that song. All right. I want cake. Let's do some fastball jokes, you guys. And then finish it all off with Space Hog. Darkthor, you see a giant crystalline tail coming down on you. It's 26 to hit.

Giant Crystalline Tail coming down on you. It's 26 to hit. You get hit for... Nope, wrong dice. 17 points of bludgeoning damage by this tail. All right. He is then going to turn to you, Tick Tock. Hello.

19 to hit. Oh, that is my armor class. All right. Well, here comes this. You're going to take 12 points of slashing damage as he backhands you. Backhand? Where's the black hole that was slashed into him on his body?

It's on his left shoulder. Oh, on his shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. He is now going to try to hit Darkthor with his tail again

oh what's that white dice say Ken bachy boo bachy balls oh my god I thought you were going to say 20 rips off his own tail Boo. Good. Bunchy balls. Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say 20. Rips off his own tail.

90. Whoa. Oh, shit. That's not good. Fingers crossed. I'm asleep. All right. He takes a big, wide wide swing and he takes, well, this is not going to be good for Darkthor still. He's going to take 15 points of damage as he kills Darkthor.

No, he swings his tail so much in Overcryst because he's really trying to hit Darkthor. He's going to completely misbalance it and land on his side uh but uh dark you're gonna need to do a dexterity saving throw to not get caught underneath him okay i'm gonna say it's a 15. Oh. Fuck. I got it. You just barely stepped to the side.

Nine plus six. I got it. Nice. Oh, shit. Just squeak. Yeah. He poorly corrects. I love Dungeons and Dragons. He is now on his side

even when dragons are dicks let's fucking unfortunately Halcine slash cut is still unconscious so dark three rep slice okay I'm swinging go for it advantage right oh yeah

14 and 18 so 18 plus 21 that's a hit on the first one all your damage hello imagine imagine this is your cousin

Marvin Marvin Dragon. Listen, I think I found that sound you're looking for. And then they just play a Elvis song. I don't think you guys are ready for that yet. Seven on the first. That's seven damage on the first. A better Michael J. Fox than I was ready for.

All right. That was really good. Thanks. That was a better follow-up Michael J. Fox than I was ready for. And then 20 on the second one. That's a hit. All right. You're carving up his flanks.

Shanks or whatever. What do you call the back of his thighs? Not pretty. Haunches. Haunches, sure. Eight. Okay. It's like a fudgy the whale that you're just slicing open

at someone's birthday party. Yum. That was so funny on Letterman when I didn't know what fudgy the whale was, but he kept bringing it up. I was like, what is fudgy the whale? What is fudgy the whale? It's the East Coast thing. I figured it out years later.

I saw Patton do a bit about it in the 90s. In Northern California. I've heard of it. I've heard of it. What's the other? Fudgy was also the alien. Or Santa Claus. Sheepy cookie bus. Beastie Boys used that.

You're up, Queep. I will fire a crossbow. Witchy to witch cake. That voice was just like, your saliva old man that's the first attack though okay try again are you in your crossbow you said yeah that used to be my biggest complaint about what a lot of shit that Wow you're just firing wildly into the sky no he's he's doing a bad boys and just like advantage see I have bad dice too

or is that see there's a third one point breaker whatever yeah um yeah there is a bad boys coming okay uh how soon there are some bad boys coming uh Hoshinka heals you for 12 points.

Sweet. Nice. You are awake. Now, every time you see the color yellow, you're going to think you're a duck. TikTok, you're up. I will swing my axe at this dragon lying at my feet. Can I cut it in half?

Do something. Yeah, get it. I'm doing it. Get it. Shit, that's a 19. Sorry, no, that's a 17. That's a miss. One more.

One more. There we go. 22 to hit. Yeah, do it. Oh, great. Another 15 slashing. Oh, wow. All right. That's crazy. I want to pop back up and start attacking him.

I know. It's going to be a few more, though. Gus is up. Is he still doing rounds? Yes. All right. You know what? I'll just say he's not spotting anything yet. I'll let you carry over his good perception for a while. Dr. Uyghur, you're up. Moon beam!

Okay. That's a while. Dr. Uyghur, you're up. Moon beam! That's a big old fail. Roll your moon beam damage, please. If only we knew. Jesus. Eleven. Eleven. Okay. Seven of four is eleven. The white beam beam smashing him.

Some more radiant damage is done. Hey, fucking Congress. Sick of Congress. Are you going to move it at all? You're still kind of with the group, and you see Halcine get back up. Okay. Well, then...

You can, yeah, lose that ring. Gracias. Okay. Well, then I'm just going to make sure that she's okay and I'm going to keep the moonbeam on the dragon. Okay. Halcyon, you are definitely brought back to a standing position. I mean, I'm okay would be how I would describe it, but yes.

Yeah, you're still very low on hit points, if I'm not mistaken. That'll bring us to Havocula. Oh, no. First things first, he's going to try to slap you again, Darkthor. That's going to be a 22 to hit. He's using any kind of

disadvantage, I think, because he's on his side. Because he's a dum-dum. That's a good point. He's laying down. He's prone. Rolled the same. Yeah, but he's on his side. He's laying down. Something. If he's laying down. He's prone. Rolled the same. Yeah, but he's on his side. He's not like, I mean, how do I put this? His tail can still move pretty freely.

Okay. You're going to take, Dargther, eight points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. And then he's going to fly up about 30 feet and beat his wings. So he lifts himself up and rides himself up. I forgot my flight stack at home, but he is now about as high up

as that tall tree. Halcine, you're up. Okay. You see him just looking down at everybody. There's no way of anticipating that and and taking a defense actually yes actually you have a good point uh because you called that out i am giving you and tiktok uh he's flying away from you if you remember it's just he's not disengaging

right so he's trying to go up you guys both get attack of opportunity on him. Roll to attack. Great. This is melee only for you two. 19. It's a miss. Give it a shot, Darkfair. No. All right. So you both swing and miss at him as he flies up, Halcyon and Beckham. Oh, wait. I get two, right? Do I not get... Oh, yeah. You get advantage because he is still... I roll with

advantage. No. All right. Finally, Halcyon'm gonna cast shatter That is what, a dex saving throw? It is a constitution saving throw I was gonna do a fucking crazy thing Nine Oh, awesome

Okay, so he's gonna take Not that much, unfortunately, but something. Okay, so he's going to take 11 thunder damage and then he's going to take Dan's making a face with his teeth.

Nine force damage. Nice! How seen. Oh, shit. How would you like to smack this dragon out of the sky? Back from the dead to kill a dragon. Halcine. Fresh off your giant kill, how would you like this dragon to go down with your shatter spell?

I guess I would like its shatter. Over 300 points of damage. Wow. And no one made a Rolling Stones joke. All let her let her have her fatality okay go that's okay i mean i don't have one plan so um i was just thinking that his his crystal neck could start to like vibrate like a like a tuning fork um with the shatter spell and then uh it's gonna actually shatter sending like shards of his own crystal up through his eye sockets and down into his heart where he will finally then keel over.

Yay! Alright, you see he doesn't quite get decapitated as the shatter spell hits him but there's very little connecting his face to his torso as

only his spine remains and the crystals explode outwards. I'm going to need everybody to do a dexterity saving throw to try to not get hit by a chunk of magic god dream crystal as the dragon above you explodes. That wasn't my fault. But I did that. 17, 20.

18. 6? 17 20 18 6 roll a 6 sided dice for me you need a 10 2 cool it hits your armor doesn't make flesh contact but yeah you'll see a big little chunk of crystal after Halcyon

explodes and I just go, plonk! Like right off of her. And you get knocked back a few feet, but yeah, you don't make skin-to-skin contact with the crystal. And the dragon hits the ground, what's left of him. He is splayed out. It is an incredibly large noise

that echoes, and you hear it bounce off of distant mountains and echo back. We should go. Or the other one. We're going to scramble. We should beat it. And on that note, that is the end of the episode.

Hey, Sam. Hi, everybody. What do you think happened today, buddy? I'd be happy to tell you. In episode 38, we got a classic ice neck dragon situation. I'm seeing this all the time. I was going to look it up, but if you're a fan of this show, you know who Michael Winslow is.

I still don't understand what it means. And Chris puts the gummy rings on the mini figures. Brian shot an arrow into its neck and Chris hid behind a tree. Ryan O'Neill's Oh God line is from tough guys don't dance. Sarah might be dead. Brian's cutting dicks and ken might be dead congress is the bicameral legislature of the federal government consists of two chambers house of representatives in the senate uh can you kick people to wake them up i love this game

uh tick tock cut the dragon open and brian tipped it over oh shit the dragon has a name oh sarah killed it i just met it awesome um wow again i got a bunch of dates in october uh i'll be in santa barbara seattle portland uh like the 18th and then the 24th 26th and some other i'm trying to get some other uh dates around there so just keep an eye out on social uh you guys uh before you

i don't know if you have anything you want to say brian but i would just have dates too but but yeah. You're all level six now. Oh. Yay. Standover Havocula's corpse. Before we do a regular campaign again, we should have a little email.

We've got our character sheets up on Patreon. They're great. So check those out. For which tier? That would be the metal tier and above. They're fun for coloring, I believe. So yeah,

Chris's daughter colored in his character. She was very cute. Hey, come check me out at a Lucha Vavum, October 23rd and 24th at the Mayan downtown. It'll be a lot of fun. It's a great show. I went with Ken a few months ago.

It's last and a half. Thanks you guys. Thanks for listening half. Thanks, you guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.