Nerd Poker - Episode 38 - The Broken King

Episode Date: January 10, 2018

After some ridiculously lucky Charisma rolls against Count Barriss, the group's dice will be tested once again as they head to the woods to meet their old nemeses, the Lunar elves. Also, all the players are deathly ill, in case you wondered why everyone's so mellow this episode. Will Bodhi snap and smush some skulls? Will Twee be able to levitate in a parallel dimension? Will Tom discover something in the guts of the island? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons and Dragons. We've got 5th edition, and we're ready.

So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. Hi. Hi, Brian. Brian Poussaint, you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker, episode 38. Brian Possehn, you're listening to Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker, episode 38. Lane can't be here tonight, so we've asked James Mason to join us.

That's Eddie Izzard, that's James Mason. Dan, Eddie Izzard. Everybody's here. All the usuals. Yeah. Eddie. The usual suspects, which I was in. Were you in Kaiser Jose?

Yeah. What was that like? Mastermind and that whole thing. Between running away from Kevin and Brian. Oh, God, right. So you guys reconvinced Count Barriss against all odds. You rolled a couple more Charisma 20s. That was fucking silly.

Yeah. We're very convincing in our dice rolling. You bought yourself some more time above ground. So you're heading, I guess, into the Lunar Elf Woods to try to turn back time. Ploro, by the way, is in real rough shape. He's what?

Real rough shape. He looks like he's taken some psychological damage. He's kind of twitchy. He's seen too much? Yeah. He's definitely like a civilian and doesn't. What can we do? Also, a couple of the elves look really shaken.

This whole going back in time thing is a little disorienting for such nature-based people. And they can feel that the air, you hear them whispering, like the air doesn't belong in my mouth. This is not right. This is not right. Well, you know, I'm going to sing a little song of rest for these guys. Maybe it'll calm them down a little bit. Oh, that's super nice of you. It sing a little song of rest for these guys. Maybe it'll calm them down. That's super nice of you. It was a little something like this.

Give me a hell with hell. I'll do a whole thing like from the Minions. Oh, wow. That's fantastic. I saw Elvis in hair, actually. You saw Elvis in hair? No. It sounded like you were doing hair, but Elvis doing hair.

I thought that's what he was doing, yeah. Well, thank you very much. Black bars are delicious. I get it. You thanked us, like that guy. Yeah, but I said it like what Elvis would say in a normal voice. Oh, he didn't have a normal voice. He was a silly old dude.

Thank you very much, Priscilla. That's what he would sound like if he had a normal voice. Well, hey, Sonny, Ray, let's go buy everybody Cadillacs. Thanks for changing my bedpan at 2 a.m. All right. Hey, does anybody know anything? I'm going to go die on the toilet. That poor

guy. He was 40. How old was he? He was 23 years old.

Yeah, it was ridiculous. He was super younger than us. He was much younger

than us. I remember when he died, I was nine years old and he was younger than me. So young.

He was seven years old. Most talented seven-year-old. Oh, no. That was certainly Jimmy Osmond. No.

You mean, don't you mean the long-haired lover from Liverpool? Actually, I wasn't nine when Elvis died. What was that? 75? 76? 77, I think. 77. That was, yeah.

That was 11. That was 11. Yeah. 12? It was before I was born, I think. Shut up, kid. Shut the fuck up, kid. Elvis died in 1977.

May 25th, 1977. Speaking of Elvis. Elvis was a hero to most. Does my song of rest do anything? Elvis is everywhere. Yeah. Motherfuck him and John Wayne. Definitely helps, although... Whoa. Thank you very much. Yeah Motherfuck him and John Wayne Whoa

Thank you very much Another small rivulet of dark green Appears on Horo's Unitard as he hears that belch And it frightens him Alright I kind of want to I wish there was some way to dope him

Or Like give him some whiskey Or something I kind of want to... I wish there was some way to dope him or like give him some whiskey or something. The song didn't suit his mood. It's more than horror. Horror still looks disheveled.

Excuse me. Diet Coke. I downed a Diet Coke, so I'm just perping myself. For those of you just tuning in, Brian's turning into a werewolf. Doing the chat scene in Weird Science. Hey, dudes. Horo walks up to you guys.

I'm a ham sandwich served in a dirty ashtray. And he says, hello? It's two but one. So I'm hearing a lot of talk with some real scary people. What's going on? You told me it'd be safe if I went with you and go in the caves. And I've seen a lot of monsters.

And there's been a lot of death. And I just kind of want to get more a clear vision of what you got in mind. Well, it could have been worse. Something about saving the world? We're saving the world, and we tell him everything. We're saving you. We're saving you. Really?

This, what you've seen is a lot, it could have been worse. Really? Yeah, we saw a different version of you. If you left to your own devices, you will perish So we're going to take care of you And apparently you traveled through time I'm learning You convinced a vampire

I sort of by association Am allowing myself to be marginally convinced However I find a lot of this difficult to take in And I don't see my role in this other than you're just sort of protecting me. Do you like to drink? I wouldn't mind a little drink. Do we have anything?

We should have something. I have some pruno from my five years in Pleasant Valley. Gogo juice? Yeah. We could go-go stuff. Gogo flies out from underneath the twitching pelvis on the ground as you walk past and he says I I still got some mush gunk if he wants to take that shit

Greg's? Yeah, bro. It'll do you right. Oh, Jesus Christ. No. I mean, he'll be submissive for sure. Yeah, I was not going to kill him, was I? I will probably not.

No, let's stay away from that. But we didn't pocket any whiskey when we... I thought we were giving Gago whiskey. Yeah, I think you've got bright pink sort of medieval Bartles and James that you've been letting Gago take sips of and then you've got a bottle of whiskey that they sold you back on the beach right when you landed

let him have just a sip of that he takes the bottle in his hands it takes a little sip and just kind of waits to see if you take it back from him. Go ahead. He chugs. Good. And we'll see you in the lobby in the morning. So, yeah, LeWolven suggests that you guys head into the woods, and you do.

She's going to try. She says, you know, she's disguised now. I'm going to roll that again. She's gonna try, she says, she's disguised now. I'm gonna roll that again. Go. She's gonna try to find another lunar elf in the hopes it won't be her. Oh, okay. So she is still levitating and she kinda heads

into the woods, just kinda sprites off and your group kind of heads into the woods, just kind of sprites off and, uh, your group kind of marches into the woods. Um, she tells you that she will keep track of you guys. Just keep heading towards the middle of the woods. Um, and,

uh, she comes back and says, um, you know, I found someone, uh, it's me. Um,

I, I patrol the West side of the forest. I thought this might happen. So. What can we tell you? it's me. I patrol the west side of the forest. I thought this might happen. What can we tell you? Tell me that you are on a mission to resolve the Great Calamity and that you have

you have with you somebody who you're keeping under wraps because you don't want them to encounter another witch. Like, be honest about that stuff. She definitely saw me hovering around. Me. Saw me. Did she recognize you?

No. I, you know, hair's different. So she says, yeah, why don't you guys try and head over and talk to her. Damn it. So let's do. Okay. You see a little bobbing lantern with a glowing fairy in it walking towards you. I'll call out to her.

What you say? What you say? What's her name again? Lou Oven. Lou O say? Lou Oven. Lou Oven. Lou Oven. Yeah, Lou Oven, as Brian likes to call him. Lou Oven.

Captain Lou Oven Albano. Oh, Lou Oven. You want to tap some three beer bottles together? Lou Oven. Come out and play. Come out and play. She kind of picks up her pace and walks over to you and says, Hello.

Hi. You seem interested. How do you know who I, what's happening? Because we know you. You don't know us yet, but you will. You're going to want to do a persuasion check. She doesn't know. We're for the future.

Right? So she goes, ooh, I see. Okay. What do you need? We need you to stay away from us because you are with us. We have somebody we've got to keep under wraps. But we're here trying to avoid the great calamamity or reverse the Great Calamity. Reverse it, huh?

Yeah. That's good news. You thought so. I'm wondering, are you planning to go down into the heart of the island? Yes. Okay. Very dangerous. The Demolith has left some traps down there.

But I will march ahead and I will let my people know you're coming I see that your weapons are soaked in death that's what happens funny story about that my people will be ready to protect themselves so we're not

going to attack you I'm not sure what's going on here. We're only here to help. Why don't you roll one more persuasion check to see what level of trust she leaves you with. Difficulty of two? No. So she kind of squints at you and says, okay, okay, I'll see what I can do. And she kind of jogs off.

She puts her lantern on her belt and just sort of bangs on her butt as she runs away. I don't want to work. I don't want to bang the fairy lantern all day. I don't want to work. I don't want to bang the fairy lantern all day. So you get a little message from Vorenmeyer. One of the scouts comes over and says,

Vorenmeyer thinks that maybe he shouldn't go down into the heart, but we will. Is he afraid something's going to happen to him? He thinks that based on what he knows from talking to you guys, the vampires are going to come looking for you. And someone should stage some kind of fight when they do.

Okay. Which vampires? All of them except Varys. You haven't killed any of them in this timeline. Oh, okay. At some point, someone's... I mean... Hallwaters Association.

You know the word is on the street that you guys decided to keep heading east and not take Horo to count on like this castle. Originally, you think Horo didn't even get this far east when you saw him die you think he just sort of stayed near the camp so okay this would piss off the demolith so um as you uh as you get farther into the woods you see a bunch of uh sort of like vibrating air it looks like a wall it looks like uh sort of that film on a bubble just sort of like rainbow oily okay oh very pretty oh like a membrane like a gas leak is there a uh are there edges to it can we go around it uh hooded disguise lovin says um this is a spell that will possibly kill you if you attack uh lunar elf

it's one of their spells i admire that you tried to hold that burp in brian that was like the most restraint i've ever seen is that what you you say? The bear spells? Yeah. It's Lunar Elf spell of protection. It coats you and it can... You won't notice it after you pass through the membrane, but if you attack one of her people,

it could try to damage you. Everybody seems cool with that. Forenmeyer kind of winces and says, I think this is where we actually part ways. I'm going to keep patrol. This sounds like the kind of thing

that Demolith could use against us. I don't want to set myself up. We'll miss you and your bear. He gives you a thumbs up as he pulls his shredded leather armor that he keeps busting out of up over his crotch and then he uh he heads off um you guys have six wood elves with you um and as you uh pass through the membrane you see very clearly that there is a, an elf encampment and the trees are all gone. Um,

there's, there's like a civilization here. You couldn't see it before you went through the membrane. So you pass through and as if it was disguised, you see, you know, there's buildings that look like they've been here for centuries. There's these little shark,

uh, piranha faced elves walking around and they all kind of like turn and look at you. There's dozens of them. It's a good thing to have this burned down. They all kind of clear the streets. Luovan whispers, I think they're trying to avoid me. They know that I'm marked.

Good job. So she suggests you head to the chieftain's hut. And you do. And you recognize this guy, Tui. He is one of the larger druids that you saw when you set the forest on fire. Oh, yeah. Good time. So, yeah, he says, Hi. Welcome. This is our encampment. We don't let a lot of people in here, but

yeah, I understand you guys have been surfing through time. You heard the story. Everybody do a saving throw for your do a wisdom saving throw. What do they need?

You just need to What did you get with your bonus? I got an 18 I got a 14 I have 26 shit alright so you guys all get a weird kind of queasy feeling in your stomach

and you hear that peaceful easy feeling are we supposed to roll low on this no you did fine no you passed it. But you get like this wave of nausea and you kind of swallow and it passes. This guy's really fucked up looking. His teeth kind of stick out of his cheeks a little bit. And his back looks like it's broken at like a 45 degree angle.

And a couple of the wood elves you're with kind of shudder and uh kind of face away from him like they don't really care um and he says yeah yeah i get it listen i understand you want to go underground uh if you've already gone back in time i should warn you our cave is to be used sparingly we have a small room where time reverses very slowly, and that's usually where we go. There's an old sort of utility tunnel that we try not to use that goes to basically where the Demolith cast a lot of underground spells. He made a bunch of sort of blood pacts,

cast a lot of necromancy down there. There's some kind of, you know, elementals down there guarding. And he says, if you like, I will walk you some of the way. May I ask, who do you know the name of this this marked lunar elf that's with you with the hood over its head i don't quite recognize them we do but we'd rather not say he nods and says fair fair my people are very impulsive we are very inquisitive it's gotten us in a lot of trouble we're like cats yeah we're like cats that crash the earth uh the moon into the earth you're rentable um and um he says uh

uh great great i i i hope you can undo what we have done i'm not sure what will happen to me if you go that far back in time. But if you go into the utility tunnels, I can tell you time will start going very fast in reverse. It will hit a wall, though, and you will reach a point where when you come up, time will have reversed to when the world ended, or at least when this was cut off from the rest of the world. This whole thing that isolates the island you can't go back farther in time than that at a certain point i i'm not sure what will happen but i do know that i don't think we want to

he says no no but um you know all sorts of strange things might happen while you're down there. You might see the Demolith in a form you're not familiar with. You might encounter some of his lackeys. I don't know. I'll take you there. He gets out of his chair and you just see his feet kind of stick out. And it looks like he's got extra joints in his toes. Those are just really fucking gnarly. Yes.

This guy. All right. Blaine, you look like you're about to ask something. No, no, I'm just trying to. It's such a mellow episode. Yeah, I'm just thinking. I'm just thinking about Elf stuff. Like, now, you said we can't go back

before the Demolith was created? Well, you can't go back before the island was cut off. I mean, that's the magic at play that allows you to go back in time. Yeah, okay. So we can't go back and get this guy when he's like a baby Hitler. Correct.

All right. Correct. You can't baby Hitler. We don't think he was born on this, in this land. We think he was a traveler. We think Who, Horo or? Oh no, Demolith. The Demolith. But as you're saying all this

and you're talking about Horo's definitely like pacing back and forth and not feeling it. He needs to chill. Have another drink? Is that whiskey not helping? What? I don't think I should drink any more whiskey. This needs to chill. Is that whiskey not helping? What? I don't think I should drink any more whiskey. This sounds pretty serious.

Okay. Have one more. Have one more and don't worry about it. You can roll to make him drink one more time. Do you have a peer pressure spell? What was that? 17. Okay, okay.

Make him smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. He locks eyes with you, takes a swig of the whiskey. He shudders and he looks away like he really regrets locking eyes with you and he's scared. But he's calm. He's calm. Make him swallow some skull too. Oh, man. You got to get into the bandits.

You think at this point if you offered him chewing tobacco, he would just take a fistful and swallow it. He's really stressed out. I'll tell him to chew tobacco, but it's really big like chew. To a pump. That would not chill him out. He would, I think, maybe get a little hostile. Or at least he would have a lot of really great ideas for a screenplay. So you follow the head of

the Lunar Elves out of this hut and you realize he hasn't told you his name. You're walking towards what looks like the center of town and you see what looks like sort of an opening in the ground. Sort of a lopsided, smooshed cave.

It's not a typical cave. It looks like some sort of hole rending in the earth. but it's large enough for you guys to walk, uh, down without too much effort. You just gotta kind of be a little bit careful. And he shows you a room and he says, you know, already time is slowly going backwards. You could, you could stay here and it would very, very, very slowly rewind. Our people go here because we're near immortal. But, you know, this is where we contemplate our mistakes, where we lament the world that's gone, all that stuff. And he points, this wall, it looks like just a cave wall. And he says, that's not a real wall. I don't tell everybody you'll notice when you were in my

throne room we were alone everybody has been told to leave me to you uh nobody but me knows this but if you if you walk right through this wall you will start to go down another tunnel that will lead you to the heart of amina uh it's not really uh like it didn't used to be the heart of a minute. There's just a lot of screwed up spells that got cast down here. Rock that was once rock is now squishy and full of demons. So be careful where you step. I will take you a small

ways down. Then I would like to not go too far back in time. I still believe we caught your name. It's best that I don't tell you. Fair enough. Let me guess. French Stewart.

Do you want to ask him what his name is? You can do a persuasive. It's no big deal. I'm not going to press it. Cool. Yeah, he says, we've done a lot of horrible things, and my name...

Is it mud? He kind of looks around and he's like, you may not see me again. So I'll be honest with you. We are not from this plane. We are a fae people from another plane of existence. So it's a bit of a spell to hear my name. Do we not know that?

Hmm? Do we not know that? But if you think of a name you want to call me, I will respond. Johnny. Johnny? Great.

Nice to meet you. I'm Johnny and he walks through a wall. Do you guys follow him? Yeah. I knew it. He's a roadrunner. Can we take a quick break?

Yeah. We'll be back. Hi. Yes. That's what the nameless head of the Lunar Elves says as he goes through the wall. You guys all follow him, yeah? Yeah. Sure.

Everybody goes through the wall. You guys all follow him, yeah? Yeah. Sure. Everybody goes through. You notice Horo really takes his time. And when you go through the wall, it's a pretty boring cave. It just looks like a mild trick. And he says, if you want, I can show you something a little disturbing, but it might aid you in your quest. I don't know. Why would it be disturbing? How do I put this?

It involves, I mean, just undeath, I guess. Okay. But you might kind of get a sense of what you're in for. If I take you on a little tangent here. What do you think? So you want to protect Hora from this? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Can we leave him with an elf or something?

What do you want to ask him? I think we want to protect him. Can we hold him? Yeah. What's that? Maybe let's blindfold him. I can hold person him. Yeah.

I'm just worried about him running away. Yeah. Let's do that. Let's do both. I'm going to throw a hold person on him, and then I'm also going to throw a levitate on him. I'm going to throw a hold person on him, and then I'm also going to throw a levitate on him. I'm going to tie a little string to him. He's carrying it behind me like a balloon.

So he goes, whoa. That's going to be fun. And he tries to talk a little bit, but he doesn't have high enough. Close his eyes. Yeah, he can't do it. Some characters might, but he can't. And you tie a rope around him, you said?

I tie a little string around his ankle. Red balloon is here. Yeah. I got six. You got six. She got six. Ah! So you head down the main passage, and then there's a fork.

And he says, this is where this gets a little creepy. Um, you go in and it, the ceiling is low and you hear some thrumming noises. Everybody do. Let's see. I'm, I gotta figure out the right against not scary.

Roll to save, uh, wisdom. 18. Are there wisdom? Yeah. roll to save uh wisdom 18 under wisdom yeah under my wisdom no i think you use your bonus and then you have to be over the difficulty that i set oh what was the difficulty uh what did i just say did i not say this is what happens when i'm tired i just all the listeners are like we heard we don't forget anything. I'm going to say this is a difficulty of 12. Didn't make it.

Bodhi, you get this sort of just salty feeling in your eyes as you realize you're seeing like a river of blood. It's in the wall. After you go under this. It's like doom. Yeah, you go under this sort of low hanging ceiling. You see this wall that's like pulsating with bloody forms. And for a turn-ish Bodhi, you're not seeing it. I'm going to see if anyone else...

You blindfolded Horo, so he's not an issue. I'm just going to say that all the elves passed. So, yeah. an issue i'm just gonna say that all the elves uh passed um so uh yeah uh he says this is how the demolith seeded this island with his blood he he brought in souls bodies beings full of blood mixed it with his magically brought them under his thrall and he is basically magically pumping this blood through the whole area. It mixes with the soil. It gets between the rocks.

Can I touch it? You can try. Touch my fingertip to it. Do a constitution check. Difficulty 12. 14. Great. do a constitution check difficulty 12 14 great so you hear voices in your head saying hello hello hello can you help me help me uh i hope i don't hear my mother over all the other voices in New York. And I take my finger away.

Do they stop? They kind of linger for a little longer than it's comfortable, but it goes away. Okay. But it's ringing in your ears. Yeah. Like you, you feel like,

you know, you just touched a sort of spectral and like when you pull your hand away, there's kind of shutters. Like you just stuck your finger in jello and yeah you see you know being sized forms kind of whipping past this outer jello and it looks like they're rushing

past he says there's whole populations down here in the rocks and they just circulate. People that he's already killed, is he getting new people from around anyplace? He doesn't need to. At this point, I should try to do his voice.

He says, you know, he doesn't really need to. I think he's in the last phase. I think you guys are quite lucky to have you. I think you sort of arrived on uh, we're quite lucky to have you. I think you're, you sort of arrived on a minute in the tail end of, uh, our time here. So he's done all the blood sacrifices he needs to, uh, seed the island. Um, and yeah, you know, there's, there's thousands of people, uh, on the other side of this wall. Um, not really anything you can do for them. Um, he says, uh, one thing that he did was he for each of his vampire children

sacrificed a powerful warrior and their souls are what drives the sort of blood pressure the sort of stream he convinced these beings that they should drive the masses like a heart would.

So... Okay. Huh. So, yeah. So there's eight unique personalities in there, but otherwise it's just echoes. Not really much you can do.

So we can't get those people out. I mean, I've never tried. It's kind of creepy. Yeah, Creel. I've done enough. I'm a pretty powerful magic user. I would like to give my people all the time they have. I know there's no lunar elves in there.

I don't think anyone from my plane would have really helped. I think he needed people who were rooted in this world to be sacrificed. But yeah, I don't know. Maybe some friends of yours are in there. I don't know. helped i think he needed people who were rooted in this world uh to be sacrificed but uh yeah i don't know maybe some friends of yours are in there i don't know is there any way to like put a like to divert the stream or a dam or like reach in front of people out or see if we can do it because i don't want to jump in there because then you know of course he cocks his head too far to the left and it looks really uh impossible for you to try that and he says i'll tell you what i'm sort of at the end of my knowledge that i think will help you um i think you should feel free to try whatever you want

if you head back to the fork in the road and go the other way you'll head down towards sort of the demolits headquarters if you want to try anything here by all means go ahead i'm going to go above ground to be back with my people bye and he ducks under the ceiling and does his weird kind of crab walk. Okay. I'm going to draw a little diagram of where we are. Just to remember where this fork is. Everybody do a perception check.

A difficulty of just 10. What was it? 6, so no. Tom, you got it? Ten? Nah. Six, so no. Tom, you got it? Yeah. So, Tom, you hear a voice say, hello? Uh-huh. Do you like Star Wars?

He just put on an X-Wing squad bomber jacket like it was nothing. It's got all these fancy-ass patches. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't tell me you were in the rebel alliance that's awesome i didn't know you were a trekkie um that was my favorite thing in the 90s uh go into like a star wars aol chat room and just be like my favorite is fucking uh tre. That was that old bit I did on, I think, Nerd Rage, my first record. Because it was a thing that I did during when the lines would be at the dome.

Like when 99, yeah, I went by Phantom Menace line and yelled, Star Trek sucks. And that was the joke I did nerds hate it when you get their obsessions wrong so you yell the wrong thing and they freak out little did you know that was the time when Star Wars sucked it did so yeah Tom you hear

a voice say hello inside your head hello when you say hello back your head. Hello. When you say hello back, you feel like you can hear your voice bouncing back off the wall in a way you couldn't before. Almost like you just attuned yourself to it

a little bit. I'm going to touch the blood. You're going to touch the blood? How far in are you going to put your hand? My favorite Slayer song. touch the blood. You're going to touch the blood? How far in are you going to put your hand? My favorite Slayer song. Touch the blood. That's how it goes. Nobody's singing like that.

Fucking your finger just goes through. Okay, do a constitution check. You get a plus three. What did you get? 20. Oh, my God. You're getting some really good rolls. All right.

I guess I got to give this one to you. I'm going to give you a big old secret because you rolled a fucking 20 plus three. All right. Don't tell them, though. You hear a very familiar voice say, I'm here. Oh, fuck. Is it a female voice? Yes

Is it Leonardo DiCaprio's wife? Is it Nettie? How can I help you? How can I get you out of there? Can you get me out? I don't know where I am What's happening? Come towards my voice

You sound like you're. What's happening? Come towards my voice. And Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel,

Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel,

Mel, Mel, You sound like you're everywhere. What's happening? What happened? How are we going to solve this problem, guys? That, uh, man with two brains.

Yeah, I thought, I thought so. Yeah, where she was communicating telepathically from the jars. I thought that song was from The Jerk. It's like an old Hawaiian, like an old-timey standard. And that's from Man with Two Brains?

Yeah. Okay. Because I knew the first part was, but I thought the song was from The Jerk. I thought you were splitting Steve Martin references. The voice says, he's here too. Who's he? Cryin'. Roy Orbison?

Oh. Cryin' O'Banner. Yeah, right. Are you dead? I don't know. What's happening? Where am I? Oh my God.

Who is this? It's my best friend and my love of my life. Oh, Letty? Nettie. Nettie. Yeah, Letty's the one. You got to really try to. That's my best friend and the love of my life.

My sweet Nettie. Crying. Crying? Crying. We used to roll together. Oh, right. Okay, because Brian brian back in the day then they cg'd him at the end of one of the movies it was really sad tom do you need help

let me kick some ass get me out of here i don't know how to get you all i know how to do is go fast. My God. Me too, she says. Me too. Come to the light. I can't see anything. I called him to my voice. Everything's white.

Julianne, just come to the light. Oh, does, what's her name? I can't move. Hmm? Does the elf know what to do? Leuven? Yeah. She says, I think for all intents and purposes, the elf know what to do? Luovan? Yeah. She says,

I think for all intents and purposes, she's dead. I mean, there might be a way to go far enough back in time where the Demolith hasn't done that particular thing. Before she died. But I don't know what kind of spell. I don't know if any of you are necromancers.

We're going to go back before then. We got to go back. We got to go back. We got to go back in time. But how would Huey Lewis say that? Doot. Doot. Doot. Doot. You guys hang tight. I'll come back for you. Okay. I miss you.

Yeah. Tell me about it. What do you guys want to do? Finish up. Get rid of this fucking devil. I can turn time back and get my ID back. I mean, is that a trick?

Well, you wouldn't tell us. Lovin' says I don't really know how much I would trust this. is that a trick for, well, you wouldn't tell us. Lovin says, uh, I don't, you know, really know how much I would trust this, but yeah, I don't,

I don't sense, uh, let's do it. I don't feel like there's anything I can do right now. Yeah. Go back in time at the end. So, uh,

let's, uh, let's do what we're here to do. Uh, so you guys head back to the fork and start going underground. You guys, you know, you go down for a couple hours. And it feels like, you know, you've gone significantly farther. Your ears pop a couple of times.

Chew some gum. You guys want some gum? Yeah, sure. Thank you. They're suddenly, you know, what do you guys, Are you guys just using dark vision? What are you doing while you travel for awareness? We all have it, don't we? Does everybody have dark vision?

Yeah. Are you doing anything else as you go down? I'm smoking crack. I mean, you would after what just happened, I guess. I have dark vision. I also have pearl vision. So I can get... Is that the one that takes an hour to relearn? No, that's my Bigby's lens crafter.

I have tunnel vision. Does that mean you're thinking about weed? Fill my eyes with that tunnel vision. It wasn't tunnel vision. I got that tunnel vision with it all on my mind. I don't think it's something that works. So yeah, what do you guys do? Are you just trusting your darkvision? Are you doing anything else to sort of feel your way down the tunnel?

What else? Like a torch? Yeah. Do you guys have... Does anyone have a light spell? I have torches and a tinderbox. Oh, right. Okay. I cast Lumo

Okay so pretty far down You suddenly see there's some kind of boulder Blocking off The tunnel The elves kind of stop Because you're using enough light where you can see it from a safe distance And you're like What do you want to do

Fuck that boulder up Wasn't the wall an illusion? Let's see if the boulder is an illusion. Sure. You're going to try to walk right through it? No. How are you going to test it? I thought I would

throw some soup on it. Paint a tunnel on it and then get the coyote to chase me. I'll go over. Is it a rock? It wasn't a rock. It doesn't look like it before you touch it,

but once you put your hand on it, it feels just a little bit moist. Yummy. And it definitely pushes back just a little bit, like you can't walk through it or put your hand through it. And a giant thing comes out and kills me. Yep. No, a big eyeball right above your hand goes and pops open. Just one. and pops open.

Just one. I'm going to back up. It's either D&D or Doom. Yeah, I'm going to just back it up really quick. This boulder pulls its stalks out of the hole and it starts walking towards you on its stalks. It looks like it's still made of rock and little like crumbs break off of its tendrils. It looks like it might have been sitting there for a long time.

But it opens a big toothy mouth that was sort of hidden underneath the bottom of it before and it kind of just starts licking its teeth. Is it a zorn or something? A chakardine? Is it like a Zorn or something? Let me see what I got here. I'm going to cast a spell of interest in sports.

We're going to talk about sports for a while, see if that works. I'm kidding, I don't have that spell. Roll with your fandom modifier. No, what are you doing? What are you really rolling? Yeah, you dummy. Roll for real. You fuck. Is it an enemy? He knows I don't mean it.

Is it an enemy? Huh? Is it an enemy? Is it an enemy? He knows I don't mean it. Is it an enemy? Hmm? Huh? Is it an enemy? Is it an enemy? Yeah, is it an enemy? We're all too congested to do two weird voices. This is not working. Is it an enemy?

What? I don't know. I'm going to... I just want to be left. Is that so wrong? I think it's chaotic evil. I don't know. I think I'm just going to just hit it with a couple of fire bolts

as I back up right in the eye. Roll for damage, please. Are these D10s or D8s? I can never... Fire bolts are 10s. If it goes up to 10, it's a 10. And if it goes up to 8, it's an 8. Wisdom from Brian Posehn. It only goes up to 6. It's an eight. Wisdom from Brian Posehn.

It only goes up to six. You know, it's a four. Firebolt. Firebolt. Sleep. 39. Brian just fell to the ground and died. That's how old I am.

Not really. Oh, shit. Okay, so this thing's eyeball squeezes shut after you just slam into it. It'd probably take a while to get adjusted to the light. Yeah, it sort of leans back on its stocks and gives you more mouth to deal with. Everybody roll for initiative, please. What if it's not an eight of me? No, I think it's just like a librarian

or something 12 8 so that's what Bodhi Twee Tom and then it was really Dominic Toretto on that side yeah

it was Dominic Toretto that's crazy do you think that they got the idea from you? I don't know, frankly. It's just weird to me. It's really coincidental. I mean, I hope you didn't post just fan fiction on some

free live journal site or something. You can't copyright that. Yeah, I live my life a quarter mile at a time, end quote. Dominic Toretto. Well, that's always been his quote, that he lives a quarter mile at a time. That was Ken's joke. I mean, it was a take on that, right?

Yeah, yeah. What part are we not? I guess we just don't know the people who made these movies. No, who does? I made a comment, and someone stole it and made a franchise out of it. They just switched all the letters. No, I know the joke made a comment and someone stole it and made a franchise out of it. It just switched all the letters. I know the joke you were going for earlier. No, no, I know that, but I can't believe we're circling back to that.

This kiss took two of our characters and turned them. I read your script, Tokyo Draft. I just stabbed Ken's face off. Tokyo Draft? What did you get? I got an 18 and I'm going to stab Ken's face off. Okay, you're just going to attack Tom. Oh, okay.

No, Ken. I'm going to stab Ken's face. Okay, you're just going to attack Tom. Oh, no, Ken. I'm attacking Ken. Suddenly, Ken Daly, character actor, appears in the game. Hello. I do these chicken McNuggets to America. I just stab him with a red pen in the face. Roll for damage, please. What part of him are you trying to stab?

He's kind of right up in your grill. I'm kidding. I hold up my phone. You want to call the shot? We're not really stabbing Kent. No, you're attacking this monster. I'll let you keep that roll because it was a good

roll. You did it when you were supposed to. Yeah. You silly boy. Nine. Plus two fire. So you get him in the gums and you just kind of burn the little skin between

his teeth. I'm assuming you're doing the armor. Oh, always. That one's just a 12. Are you going to, I'm assuming you're doing the artwork. Oh, always. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That one's just a 12. With your bonus? What's your bonus? Yeah, that's all it was.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so this time you don't quite get it in there. Okay, cool. All right. So, Tui, you're up. I am going to... What was I going to throw into that guy's mouth? Oh, you know what? Really quick.

While you're thinking about this. The elves start firing arrows at this thing. Ooh. So three of them go in its mouth mouth and one of them hit a critical. So he kind of chomps on the arrows, but then one goes right kind of in his uvula. And really fucking slams into his uvula. And you see sort of green liquid mist out of its throat deep in the boulder. And you're up next, Tweetie.

I am going to... I'm going to do a cloud of daggers into the eye. Or, you know, I'm going to put it into the throat. It's closing its eye right now. So cloud of daggers into its mouth towards the blood I see. It did a terrible saving throw. Why don't you roll?

Oh, good. Cloud. Cloud of taffy. Cloud of puppies. Cloud of petffy, cloud of puppies, cloud of pet farts, cloud of McDonaldland gift certificates. You know, that's a scam. You don't need a different currency for McDonaldland. Cloud of bad weave.

Ah, here we are. Cloud of daggers. You fill the air with bad weaves. Oh, well, I'm sorry, it's cloud of bad weaves. Alright, uh... 4d4 damage increases, 2d4 for each slot above the second. Yep, go for it. Alright, we have 44 sorry these are hard to pick up especially since i sanded my fingerprints off in that safe cracking class i really like that episode of mindhunter that's about you just for that class wow user uh this is a five that's 10 that's 15

oh that's a 20 that's nice uh what is that total uh 20 four fives in a row okay so uh yeah you just bunch of things just go bang off of its teeth the of its mouth. It takes a swing at Bodhi. So, what's your AC? Like tentacles? Yeah, so it's walking on two dozens

like stone-looking stalks. And it's sort of one of them pops out like a pillar. Kind of pulls back like a baseball bat and swings at Bodhi. What's your ac

15 just misses cope you're uptown oh yeah i'm gonna uh fire bolt the shit out of this thing go for it all right hey this episode's gonna land pretty far in the future. What kind of products do you think there'll be commercials for in the distant future? Well, you know, in 2018, Dan, I know I'm probably still going to be writing big five sporting goods.

It's just a big three sporting goods with two fingers up your ass on my checks. Whoa, I feel like I just saw the Matrix. Sorry, I pulled a muscle in my dad's back telling that shit. I rolled 10 points of damage. Alright, great.

It kind of makes a crunching noise with its big-ass mouth. That's something. It's still focused on Bodhi, and its eye kind of opens up a little bit. Some arrows start going at him again. Ooh. We get three hits.

This thing goes right in his mouth. Ooh, let me do that one again. and yeah these arrows just oh I got it yeah I'm not very flexible so nobody here we are the creakiest

podcast Dan's way younger than us flexible. Nobody here. We are the creakiest podcast. Right? Dan's way younger than us. He's out of shape. Yeah, exactly. It doesn't help that I'm younger. I'm in terrible, terrible shape. The only fit narrative I've ever seen is Joe.

And Hardwick. Hardwick's built like a fucking Spider-Man. He's not built like Joe. No, Joe is built like a fucking spider-man not built like joe no joe was built like a tank you see you uh you see justice league yet yeah yeah yeah that was great an amazing cameo that was cool oh uh he had told he had told me about it before i saw it that was cool i didn't uh know that he was uh that he was the guy that uh peter parker punched in slow motion in the first spider-Man. Oh, right, right.

Yeah, he's Flash Thompson. Is he really? Yeah. I didn't know this. That's such a great scene. Rhodes put it together. We were watching one time and Rhodes goes, Flash Thompson, that's the guy that was at our house.

And I go, yeah, but that's him 20 years ago. Like, how did you, like Or 15 or however old it was. The first Spider-Man. It was crazy. Totally. Kids can see through time. I know, man. That's why they call kids the astronaut's wife. What do you mean?

They chase you across the country in a diaper? That's why they call children Nature's Kurt Vonnegut. Well, wait. Then what do they children Nature's Kurt Vonnegut. Well, wait. Then what do they call Nature's Kurt Vonnegut? They call Nature's Kurt Vonnegut Kilgore Trout. I remember when Kurt Vonnegut did a drawing of a kid.

Never happened. No, I don't buy it. Oh, you're right. I was an asshole. I forgot you were in that commercial for Kurt Vonnegut. For Kurt Vonnegut's pootie wheat bins. I've got to be honest. I'm really more of a dog's cradle person.

Where are we? And so it goes. Hey, I was going to ask you a question. I don't know if they still do this, but are some spells reversible? Like a fly spell would make something not fly, or a light spell would cause darkness or a cure wound spell would cause wounds yeah like if you if you cast cure wounds on undead it would do something different um if you guys just if you cast uh you know um certain light spells and

certain unnatural darkness. It could do something really bizarre because the, the sort of air is made of something different. I had a character that was super evil and all of his spells were reversed. Yeah. Like it could be like a character flaw too, where like, Oh yeah,

your, your spells never have the wanted effect basically. Okay. Okay. All right. Just, just asking. Let's read it backwards and see what happens.

Wounds cure. So are we at an hour? Almost. We're at five hours. All right. This thing goes for Bodhi and it hits. Uh-oh.

How dare you. Stony Pillar hits you in the crotch for ten points of damage. It pops up off the ground and thuds between your legs. Give the man a pencil. It makes that glass crunching sound and then you walk around with the glass noise like Benny Hill.

You also scream like a girl when it hits you. Yeah! Oh, my God. We all saw it happen. That was an amazing screenplay. What am I doing? Is it my turn yet? Yes.

Okay, it is? Yes. Where is he? Right in front of me? Oh, yeah. He just hit you. Right. Okay, it is? Yes. Where is he? Right in front of me? Oh, yeah. He just hit you. Right. I'll call him a name.

Yeah. Jerk, face, fart, nugget. Jerk, face, fart, nugget. Incorporated. By the way, do you guys know my nickname? Jerk Fist Fart Negative. Hold on. It's close to that.

You've heard this. Is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't like Bobcat give it to you or something? No. Rhodes changed my nickname on my phone, and then he also changed it because at the time he was watching a lot of Harry Potter, so he gave her a British voice, but listen.

Hey, Siri, what's my nickname? Dale Willemstain is a South African cricketer who plays in tests. No, shut the fuck up. That is the weirdest wrong answer. Siri. I knew you were into cricket. Siri, what is my nickname? Siri, what is my nickname? Siri, what is my nickname?

Damn it. This is so going to be worth it. I find you. Nice. Siri, what is my nickname? Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Hello, my baby.

Hey, Siri, what is my nickname? You're Mr. Fartface Wiener Eater. That's right. Oh, there you are, Mr. Fartface Wiener Eater. Yes, pretty close. Wiener Eater. That's my favorite Dr. Demento song. We've left it on there for about a year.

I just want to say, I think we should pause here mid-fight and say you've done a lot of damage to this thing this weird crusty looking not quite beholder thing and you know it kind of like I just feel

how much this adventure how far it's gone and it'll never live up to the feeling of being filled with Skeletor's dick. Nice. Skeletor's dick. Hey, hopefully by now we'll have t-shirts up.

By the way, go to near mint. Oh, yeah. Skeletor's dick t-shirt? Well, by the time... It's going to shoot us. Absolutely, by the time... It's too late to do an... Aren't they already up?...joke? We don't have a Skeletor's dick t-shirt? Well, by the time... That's for sure. Absolutely, by the time... It's too late to do an Orpheus cut joke.

We don't have a Skeletor's dick shirt. No, I mean, but our... By now, the Dice shirts should be up. What's the website? NearMintMerch.com slash NerdPoker. Okay. Do it. Yeah, get a shirt.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there

and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.