Nerd Poker - Episode 39 - Chasma's Wrath

Episode Date: November 7, 2018

Our heroes have gotten themselves in a bit of a moon-pickle. Pinned against a steel dome, our heroes have no idea how to proceed. But barreling down on them is a floating face that appears to be some kind of fallen god. There's a little crow-man named Torturemaster Gilfry running around screaming, but otherwise things are looking awfully bleak. Perhaps salvation lies somewhere nearby, perhaps far away.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Sam, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, everybody. Whoa, was that loud?

You jumped. It's Brian Poussaint. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Quit jumping, Telfer. All my friends are here. Chris. Hello. Sarah.

Greetings. Ken. Off the rails. Dan. Whoops. Blaine's back. And Blaine's front. You know, if you're not a Patreon listener, he was never gone.

Oh, that's true. Yeah, he wasn't here for our latest. But you should be a Patreon. I know. Our October Patreon episodes. We had Joe Manganiello. I always say it correctly in front of it. It's going to be your new last name, and you can't even pronounce it.

When he's next to me. Yeah, but when he's not here. It's Manganiello. The color yellow. Yes. Are they both up? Or just the first one? Just the one.

By the time this goes up They'll both have been up Okay This episode is two weeks in the future But check him out He came by and had a blast with us He's such a nice dude He was great And like a for real nerd

Like we only We only sort of play this game He's like He's beefy as hell Very handsome He's really good at it Really fit Really friendly

Really gentle And yet knows every rule of Dungeons & Dragons. Hold on. What does that mean? What I'm setting up is the fact that he knows every rule, so he would very politely and unintrusively interject with, by the way, here's all the extremely detailed rules for this situation. But the way you said gentle was like you were falling in love. I mean, what I liked the most was his supple fingertips. Could you feel the eyes?

The strength in his hand as he cupped the small of your back? Could you like, wow, he could really, this is like Superman and Lois right now. He's never cupped the small of my back. He's not going to come back, you guys. That's what it would be like. What if he offered a tango? What if we offered a tango? So was it our Rosh Hashanah episode?

We talked about brisket. Yep. And we have really cool listeners. To a friend's house to have some brisket with Rhodes and learn about Rosh Hashanah. And I guess we complained about boiling brisket. Oh, it's boiled. Yeah, boiled brisket, not so. Yeah, but so.

It's funny. Because I was comparing it. It's funny if Droopy is complaining about it. Yeah, I was comparing it to my favorite brisket, and that's in Austin, Texas, a place called Law Barbecue. So I've already dropped their name before, and that Law Bar barbecue sent us a fucking brisket yes and uh so we i didn't have time to prepare it tonight prepared to tonight but i'm

gonna prepare it soon for us and we'll uh because so thanks john e at uh the barbecue yeah and his son his son i'm assuming uh sent us a cool little card uh and he drew a dragon oh cool eating brisket he's got a huge piece of brisket that dragon and it says less botches more brisket from durham age 10 and then we also got a shirt from La Barbecue that I'm unfortunately too fat to wear. So one of you gentlemen, Chris or Ken, it's an XL. If Ken does not want it, I do. But I would defer to Ken. It's something that Joe says. We kept calling him a cow.

I say give it to Chris to make up for the year and a half when he was not here to collect shirts. I don't mind. Who knows? I don't mind. Who knows? I don't know. But it says our cows are sexy, and it shows a cow laying on a bare skin rug. I love that.

Acting all sexy. And then it says thank you for coming. And on the back, it's a horrible full release scene. Thank you. You're welcome. Huge omission. Jesus Christ. Huge omission. Jesus Christ. Huge omission.

But thanks a lot, Barbecue. We can't wait to have brisket. Every show, shirts and brisket and other stuff. It's awesome.

It's pretty good. You know what else I can't wait for? Heading over to Palladino's for Leonard Leonard. That's Leonard Cohen classic set to the tunes of Leonard Skinner. You're going to want a second helping of that set. Palladinos for Leonard Leonard. That's Leonard Cohen classic set to the tunes of Leonard Skinner.

You're going to want a second helping of that set. Palladino. Wow. That's a good one. Also this Thursday, one night only combining the turn of the millennium novelty hip hop with the energy of Bollywood. It's Bloodhound Gang G's.

That's from Lolo Nene and Black Gardos, the Palladinos of metal. Thanks you guys. All I saw over the weekend, That's from Lolo Nene and Black Gardos, the Palladinos of Metal. Thanks, you guys. All I saw over the weekend, I saw Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds for real at the forum, which was fantastic. But then at Palladinos, I saw Joy Bahar Division.

They were pretty funny until he hung himself. How are you guys? Hello. Hey, how do you hope? We're just starting. You can say hello. Hello. Hey, howdy ho. Yeah, we're just starting. You can say hello. Hello. What was that? Huh?

Oh, that is a... I'll explain that to the listeners in a minute if they want to know why I'm setting this up, but it's an Aztec whistle. I'm here. Huh? You actually don't want to hear it. Why? It is...

You don't want to hear it. Why? Ask your dad. He listened to it last time we recorded. Oh, that's a terrible noise. What was it sound like? He's about to go to bed. He shouldn't hear it.

It's really weird sounding. It's creepy. But what did you come to tell us? I just want to say yo. Yo? You can say yo into this mic. Wait. A whistle?

One of those? All right. Here. I'll play it. No, no, no, no, no. It says The YouTube caption is This Aztec whistle

Is one of the scariest Sounds you'll ever hear I don't want to hear it No I don't think you do Okay What Will it give me nightmares? It gave your dad nightmares

Wait really? Not really Is it really that creepy? It's creepy sounding You should hear it later I don't want should hear it later. I don't want to hear it. Hey, it does sound a little bit like Greta Van Fleet.

We'll play it right before you fall asleep. No, no. No, we won't. Sorry, I never know how much to hide the scary stuff when you're about to come through the sliding door roads. But it's just a whistle. It's just like... Yeah, pretty much. Wow, that was a good one

nice it's like a a possum playing a vuvuzela wait wait wait wait wait wait wait it's like

I don't want to hear the whistle but does it sound like if someone was whistling I don't like psycho I like it I like that that's pretty good well cool Oh, like Psycho. I like that. That's pretty good.

Well, cool. Yo. All right, you said yo. Thanks. Yo. I'll give you a signal when I'm not in the room. Okay. Can you shut the door when you leave?

I'll play an air horn sound. Okay. When you guys horn sound one. Okay. When you guys can play it. Okay. It's going to sound like... Go play it. Shut it all the way. Hello. Sorry, listeners.

But I said very early on when this podcast started Sorry, listeners. But I said very early on when this podcast started that it was going to be interrupted by my son. Oh, I'm not worried about it. So it happens. All right, so... Did he play the air horn? I didn't hear him. I didn't either.

Should I play it in honor of him? No, I think he's gone. Okay, because I've got it on my phone also. Cool. Well, let's get into it. Not that horn. Kids love that. So the Aztec whistle that he was asking about

is because I had the tab open on my computer. We can't keep waiting, Rhodes. Well, let's just keep going. I'll play it over our headphones, Rhodes. You won't hear it. He's listening across the other side. Oh, my God. He wants us to wait for him to play an air horn.

Okay. Well, I'm going to talk anyway. So you guys are on the moon in a prison for monsters and super creepy bad things. What? Yeah, yeah, I get it. Start the game. Okay. Thanks, buddy.

You're trying to find a cosmic being known as Jinredna, who had once manifested herself as a drow goddess named Zinzerina, was killed, and you're now trying to bust her out. And you've got a little bit of a conduit through Tui. You've got a little bit of a conduit through Twee. Twee, at one point in a hallucinogenic fit, was able to make contact with Jyn Raden. He might need a long rest before he can use her powers again,

but she's given him a boon. We'll call it Jyn Raden's boon, and it manifests in a variety of ways that he is slowly uncovering as he is in certain situations. You guys have spent the last jog across a part of the prison called the submission yard. It's sort of supernaturally large once you get in it. So even though on your map, it looks like it might only be a couple of acres. Once you get in there, it looks like it is hundreds of miles long and you traversed it using crystals. is once you get in there, it looks like it is hundreds of miles long and you traversed it using crystals.

Unfortunately, the crystals you were able to salvage to sort of teleport across the submission yard, five leaps across the submission yard, you had to use these crystals that you dug out of the wall and were kind of broken and you mended them a little bit, but they didn't easily attune to you. So even the guards who used these crystals before were like, we're missing charisma saving throws.

And as you teleported across the submission yard, you lost them. At some point, they, I mean, a couple of you guys weren't able to make it all the way across the submission yard without having to backtrack a couple of times and teleport a couple extra times. You finally made it to the dome a sort of uh coliseum made of uh shiny almost featureless steel in the middle of this area and that's where i saw nick cave and there's a steel door uh that you guys have been bashing against um and where you're at right now there's uh this sort of pink and orange swirling sky you know

it's not the way the moon sky normally looks but it appears to be a feature of the submission yard there's sort of uh torture racks laid out everywhere with this sentient vine uh being tortured and based on the information you were able to get the sentient vine appears to be tortured and based on the information you were able to get the sentient vine appears to be on the torture slab longer than it was intended its shift ended a long time ago and the torture master torture master gilfry has um been sort of uh left to torture longer than he was supposed to be torturing but no one's really been in in the submission yard as often and relieved of shifts as often as they were supposed to while the prison outside of this area has fallen apart so you guys rushed to this dome been banging on the door and torture

master gilfry's been trying to help you out um he's a kenku so he has a little bit of difficulty communicating you asked him if he had a key he kind of shrugged was like i've got this weapon and you were like can we have it and he was was like, no. And that was about all the interaction you have with him because he was a little frustrating to communicate with. He kind of communicates like a minor bird. So he's only able to repeat back to you what you say or what he's heard in the past. So he sort of shrugged.

He let you know you're not really supposed to go in the dome. But that's about all you know. When you asked him for a key, he was just sort of like, people aren't supposed to go in the in the dome but uh that's about all you know um when you asked him for a key he was just sort of like you people aren't supposed to go in there i'm paraphrasing him uh he's going to be a lot more wooden when you speak to him directly and uh you saw flying towards you as you had spent a few minutes smashing against this door a giant blue face with a mane of a white beard and hair coming over the horizon, uh, flying very large in your direction.

You'd seen him while you were teleporting. And now it appears he has located some targets. Okay. It's like old man, winter, Chelsea, grabber, the cold miser.

Yeah. He's just the cold miser. He's just a happy go lucky-lucky animated clay object. Should we... Oh, and also, yeah, because of the Aztec, you heard the Kenku make a horrible noise as Lord Kazma, this face, came over the horizon. Oh, okay.

How far away is he? You feel like you've got... How far away is he? You feel like you've got, let's say, 100 seconds before he is in dangerous range. Any of you guys have any ideas on how we fight a giant fucking blue face? I had a thought about the door. Do you want to talk about fighting first? Do you want to talk about going through the door and getting the fuck away from this?

That's Gilfroy. That's it. Well, I was thinking. Wait, that's not a scream? That's not a screaming person? So no, it's an Aztec whistle that when you blow in it, it sounds like a person screaming. Oh, wow. That's awful.

Yeah, I thought I would clear that up for listeners who listened to the last episode and was like, why did Dan play a snuff film in the background? No, it's actually a really creepy whistle. Meant to sound like a snuff film. I'd rather you play a Skull Bandits film. I thought it was the sound of the other guy screaming. In real life, it's an Aztec whistle.

Aztecs don't exist in the game. You don't know what it is in the game, but you know. Back it up. No one will ever know the face Blaine just made after his snuff. So I actually appreciated his snuff joke and then I looked at him and he gave like a Flintstones like, it's a living

kind of face. I snickered at it. What the woodpecker would do. The woodpecker that plays their records. I'm kind of shrugged. The new onecker that plays their records. Looks up, kind of shrug. It's a Lansax. The new one's got a head on both ends. But yeah, the Kenku made it

in the direction of Lord Kazma. So you're not sure why he's doing it. Oh. Well. So not necessarily at us. Correct. Well, I think it's at us. I think it's probably-

You know, the Johnny Cash shirt, he's not flipping off the camera, man. I'll clear up as of last episode, he sort of turned away from you towards Lord Kazma as he started doing it. And how's Lord Kazma react? What was your idea about the door? Lord Kazma's a little too far away to know. My idea about the door is we have

these teleport things and there's no way to open the door. Maybe these things open the door or go inside. These guards who brought us here kind of repeatedly said in their stupid way they have no idea really what goes on over here okay because they have no because there's no key because the other thing is when we asked the the woody woodpecker about the door and he referenced his gun he's like there is no physical key but there's a keyhole you said Something like a keyhole in the door?

Yeah, there's like a little hole underneath the handle. Does it look crystal size? You know, the crystals you guys have aren't representative of the original size and shape of the crystals that the guards originally had. Shove a crystal in there. Shove it in. See what happens.

All right. Who has one? We all do. I'll put my crystal in the hole. All right. You put your crystal in the hole. Does, you put your crystal in the hole. Does the door open? No.

Can I try a lockpick on it? You already did, if it's worth reminding you. We almost kicked it down. We got a couple of natural 20s and it was cracking. It was denting and cracking. Let's do a quick... There's a door. There's a dome. What else do we see? Do an investigation check.

You can do it with advantage, but no one else gets to roll. Because you've only got seconds. It's not time for... 11. 11? Yeah. So there is one large set of steel stairs leading up to this door. There's a cobblestone path that kind of went across the whole submission yard up to here, sort of dug into this dirt.

There's, you know, a few stretches of this swamp creature, this sort of sentient plant thing nearby, and it seems alive. And the seal door, it, you know you you guys sorry okay i have a plan okay yeah that's about that's about all you can absorb uh do i get a turn or i mean you guys just get to talk and then it looks like conflict might be okay well i would like to i don't know if this is something i can do but can i frenzyzy on the door and get three shots at it, or does that not work like that? Yeah, but instead of just doing one and then waiting. Yeah, you could, but I would say Bodhi also knows that he didn't really get

even much of a dent in the door until everyone was helping him do it at the same time because it's a pretty big door. I mean, you can definitely frenzy and try. You and I. Yeah, let's do it. The other big... Yep. Strength check?

Yep. Both of you guys. My strength is... You can roll three times. Go. Yeah, please go with us. Whoever else wants to. We need two 20s.

Anyone who wants to help them. I'm in. I got a 20... I have'm in. I got a 20. I have a six. I got a 24. You two get over a 20? I did not. No.

Roll again. You get three tries. I just rolled a 20, but my strength is six. Right. I'm looking for at least one instance of two 20s. 22. Okay. So your first

17. Did you roll twice to get that? Oh, I thought you were only rolling once. All three of you can roll three times. Okay. What was your second roll? My second one was 22. Okay. No.

Sorry. Terrible. Terrible. Four and sixes. Basically, I need at least two people to get over a 20 on one roll at the same time. I got a 24 and two 17s. And then what did you get? What was your third? My third was bad.

My third was with my bonus at nine. You definitely feel like you're making contact with this door, but it is a steel door that you feel is designed. I'm going to take my crystal out of the hole, and I'm just going to say, I'm going to tell them, I'm going to try something. And I think, whatever I was thinking,

I say the prayer and try and think forward inside the dome with the telepark crystal, the same way we're thinking. Do a dexterity check to get the crystal out of the hole. Well, Dan, that's a three. Sorry, it's a five. Yeah yeah you can't get it out somebody somebody else want to try that it's a little crystal and it's like just past where your fingers i got lost last time that i tried to to move using the crystal the thing is this thing is basically on top of you at this point uh um uh before you do anything else, you notice that torture master Gilfrey is now sort of,

uh, jumping up and down facing Lord Kazma and waving its arms. And it, uh, Lord Kazma seems to ever so slightly be slowing down and turning to face him a little bit. Okay. Let's see what these two talk about.

Um, you're just going to wait. No. Let's see what these two talk about. You're just going to wait? No. All right. I'm going to accept one more round of stuff before things... I'm pounding on the door with my ogre power, or no, I'm going to throw my body into it again with my ogre power gauntlets. Go for it.

That's a 22 yeah that's uh 26 uh you you both just throw everything you've got into one more punch against this door and uh uh this like inch thick piece of steel kind of rattles and uh thuds down and uh you guys have to take a step back for it to kind of like thud down against the staircase and slide out of the cobblestone behind it um is more door. It is... Fuck. You've gotten sort of a plating off of it. That's sort of rings. Oh, shit.

It's more steel. It's beams. Somebody try the crystal thing. I can't do it because I don't have a crystal. Or let me try it with your crystal. You two are done with actions. Anyone else? I just think if we use the crystal, we can't stay together.

We don't know where we might end up. But if you really want me to try it, I'll it to teleport away yeah i mean so you're saying there's multiple layers to the door basically yeah you took like an outer shell off of the door yeah wow and there's there's a sentient vine nearby it was the thing that was being tortured yeah yeah so you know from listening to the sort of ramblings of Gil Fry, that this thing is called Melanica, the living swamp nerve. Oh, have you met Lydia? Swamp nerve.

So. What the hell? Hey, Gil, Gil Foil. What's your name? Gil Fry? Gilfried? Gil Fry. What's your name? Gilfry? Gilfried? Gilfry. What should we do?

He is trying to distract Lord Kazma, and he's doing this about 30 feet away from you. And he's trying to distract him? Yes. Oh, okay. That's nice of him. Can we use a thunder wave on an object? Well, first of all, you're all going to see this rising up against you.

This is Lord Kazma, everybody. Pass it down. Personal reference. I like it. Cool. So that is drawn by Aaron English Who drew our logo That's awesome Nice job

Shout out to Aaron English And Everybody roll for initiative God damn it Thanks Aaron Yeah for drawing the thing that eats us Yeah great I got a two Dan A two for my initiative Aaron. Yeah, for drawing the thing that eats us. Yeah, great.

I got a two, Dan. A two for my initiative. Oh, boy. And I got a plus seven, so I got a nine, but it's still really a two. So much better. Hey, what'd you get, Tom? Jesus fucking Christ. This is not Bodewell for this fight.

Or Bodewell. Esmeralda? I'm going, I'm going, hang on. Bodie, what'd you get? Fucking three. Oh, God. Typha, what'd you get? Twelve.

I got a one, but I have a plus two. That's what I got. This is the worst initiative. This Bodhi's well. Nobody wants to engage with this guy. I really want to, though. Gendy did better than you guys. That's good.

At least the face won't attack. Gilfrey did terrible. He's got great hair. He really does. You can tell he conditions. It's lush. I'm going to call him Blue Moses. Probably uses like a leave-in.

Blue Orc Moses. Look at those teeth. Lord Kazma got a 24 on his initiative. When you're getting killed by a leave-in blue orc moses look at those teeth lord chasma got a 24 on his initiative when you're getting killed by a blue-headed demon you just gotta laugh right you just gotta make jokes when you can because yeah this thing is about the size of a house in the center and then the waves of hair go out from there he's the size of a house. Yeah. And you guys notice he's tilting his head very slightly towards Gilfri about 30 feet farther down the cobblestone road. But he's almost got one white eye kind of like rolling around.

So it's hard to really tell if he's focusing on anything specific. focusing on anything specific he um he uses his turn to uh to say what language is that rug uh i will none of you know oh you know celestial yeah that's what i just noticed that on my sheet recently uh he is saying neil oh he's saying neil guys what is also your based on your passive arcana he is he is in the middle of beginning a very bad cast okay you know that much um uh can i try to panic oh wait i can't do right now you can't do shit uh first gendy is going to I was scared there was something else other than panic. Oh! Good boy.

Gendy waves her hand, and you all get some sort of shield that sort of shines up over you, and you're going to get a plus one to wisdom saving throws. Yeah, you can use all the wisdom you can get, Pody. It's something. Thanks. I wish they would have done that before you drank that big glass of septic tank water.

How are you feeling, by the way, since you drank that? Okay. You seem like you don't have any pep. Yeah, I'm all right. You know what? When this burns out of your system, you'll have a lot of brand new antibodies. Okay. And tapeworms, probably, right?

Yeah, and they'll have some really good antibodies. What are we doing? Hang on a second. I got to delete something from... Is it a playlist? No, it's a combat order with your bonus episodes stuff in it. Up next, we have Typha. What is Birdtaculous doing, the torture master?

Birdtaculous doing? The torture master? He has taken one hand up and he looks like he wants to cast something but he's at least a little crow man and he's kind of jumping up and down and squawking this horrible cry. I have no ranged attacks

so my thought is to, as an action to look on either side of the door, how big is this? You described it as a coliseum or something like that in terms of side of the door like how big is this you described it as like a like a coliseum or something like that in terms of this it's very big yeah i can i perceive on either side like can i like look all the way down the left and quick look all the way down the right is there any other type of entrance or anything that might indicate a path in terms of if we should run which way we need to go um you've been studying it for a while so go ahead and do a perception check with advantage well neither of those were very good uh the best one is an 11

all right that's not too bad considering how long i mean i mean there's not much to see okay the the the thing you kind of glean is that you've never seen because you've never seen a structure like this and and because we're in a fantasy realm where typha has different experiences in us it doesn't just look like a steel dome you get the impression a lot of this building might just be for magical purposes and the steel is uh is meant to keep things out right and that it's it you know much as things are bigger here than you would have thought from the outside of the building, the building might be smaller on the inside, but that's about it. You don't see any alternate entrances.

Okay. I mean, that's nothing. Can anybody else think of anything I can do? I don't think there's anything I can do. Hmm. All right. You know, I've got my weapon ready in case something gets close. That's all I got.

Okay. I can't shoot my, from my ice sword, right? I can't like this. I believe got a hand X. I mean, you can,

you're, this thing is floating, uh, about, you know, 90 feet in the air. So you've got, you've all got,

I think a bad feeling about how, how, how, how sized head floating in front of us. You feel like it could... If it's taking an offensive position from this far away, it's very powerful, and you would have to get close to really do anything anyway.

That's my thing. All right, I will... I wonder if I need to pray to Umberlee. All right, I guess that's it for now. All right, Neddy, you're up. I will cast Witch Bolt at it. Cross my fingers. Well, and I hate to do this, but let me check up the range for Witch Bolt.

It's 30 feet. How far away is this thing? It's like 100 feet. Oh, okay. Like up. I mean, you would have to fly up to hit it from here with Witch Bolt. Fucking shit. Let's see if I got some better range on something else.

Boop, boop, boopity, boop. You know, I think coming up this weekend at Palladino's. You guys are so despondent. Credence Clearwater, Florida. It's all sort of swamp rocky Scientology songs. Oh, Surrey Cruise. That's all I got. I'm looking at...

Oh, my God. I'd just like to pretend that John Travolta changes his name to John Fogerty. What? Oh, Susie Q, baby, I love you. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa Looking out my back door Whoa

What other spells you learned? I can levitate Can I levitate myself If I stand on an object I guess You can levitate yourself But I'm gonna Again look up how much

How far up You can go 20 feet high I can't cover the distance it's still going to be 80 feet away you might see something of value I was thinking about that did you see the get out of my yard birds

it's just a bunch of guys that used to be in the original Yardbirds. Do they play music? They just yell at kids. Really? And they charge admission. What are you going to do?

At the knitting factory. You're going to run up and close the distance and you're going to levitate? Do a perception check. All right. Seven. All right. You see little tiny black objects swirling around its mane, but that's about it.

What does Gendi think? He's the only warlock we still have with us, right? Gendi is a sorcerer. She, I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll let you ask her on your turn. In the meantime, we got Tui.

Oh. Oh. There's a there's really did you try to shoot at it i can't i don't have the range and the range is very far so nobody has actually engaged with it yet yes correct and did you get i'm approaching it but you but you're sure it's an offensive stance that this thing is taken based on the open hostility on its face as you're sure it's an offensive stance that this thing has taken based on the open hostility on its face? As Raelda said, it's about to cast a bad spell on us.

Yeah, I just wonder, like, if I could even try to... I'm going to throw an opposite of a mass cure wounds on it. I'm going to do a cause cure... cause mass wounds on it and see if that does anything. Let me see the range.

Well, you can fly. You can fly up to it, but the range is 60 feet. So you'd have to fly 40 feet in the air towards it. Hey, why not all right i'm gonna fly 40 feet in the air and throw a fucking cause mass wounds on it i like it and then and then when i'm done i'm going to fly straight backwards as fast as my elf spell will take me e l fL-F S-P-E-L-L So I'm going off some ad hoc rules but you know I gave it a saving throw

and it rolled a 2. So even with its bonus of 8 it is not gonna beat you so why don't you cast damage against this god? I love it oh my god

it's got a couple hit points you fucking asshole the way you laughed 19 19 this week at paladino's you Tupac is playing you see a patch of its cheek flesh just kind of like crackle with black lines

and then just kind of heal itself over. Oh, that's right. It's a god. I mean, you don't know that it necessarily like healed the damage, but cosmetically. What else can we do to get the fuck out of here? Pray to Kord. Yeah. I mean, that's what we need now. necessarily like healed the damage but cosmetically right accord yeah that's I mean that's that's what we need now

we need to or or we need to try and talk to Jen right now I mean what else can we do at this moment Gilfrey is up you see a second torture master Gilfrey appear next to it and run about 50 feet to the

other side of the cobblestone path. And that'll do it. Esmeralda, you're up. Oh, you know what? You both rolled the same bad number. You both rolled threes. What's your dexterities? Who's got higher dexterity?

I have a plus two. What do you got, Bodhi? uh who's got higher dexterity i have a plus two what do you got bodie uh yeah same what's your number though what's your overall number it's a 12 and a what i have a 15 okay so you're you're up first okay um is there still a hole in the door like the same hole that the crystal we should yeah yeah there's still like a part of the keyhole that's beyond the outer shell the steel that fell off can i try to like pick that lock or mess with that lock to try to open it yeah absolutely by sheer panic and do a desperate will to live do you have a lock picking kit or you gotta i'll let you borrow it with a reaction but just curious uh

i don't okay yeah okay i'll say netty or whatever just loans it to you. Do a dex check. That's a dex check. Oh, Jesus Christ. He can't help us now. No, I got a five, so. Yeah, I mean, you don't feel like you can get the lock. Does Jesus show up? Anything else? I just have a bonus action now. I am going to, with my bonus action, cry.

No. What can I do with the bonus action? Nothing. Really just move, right? You can do anything that wouldn't. Oh, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give my crossbow to Typha. Okay.

Thank you. Seeing that she didn't have a ranged weapon, and I have ranged spells. Oh, God bless you. Great. Bodhi, you're up. I'm going to try the door one more time. Okay.

Did you still want to ask Gendi what's up? Yeah, how do we fight this thing? I think it's a god. I uh my own i have a couple of ideas okay share them you maybe you just knocked a giant steel chunk off of that maybe we'll want to hide under that or something and uh maybe someone should teleport down the path and try and find one of those guards that's all i got i don't know if it should be you though you're strong what'll the guard do oh they might have a key. She's like, we didn't get them here. I mean, they didn't really talk to us about the door.

That's all I got. Otherwise, I feel like I'm a magic user, so I should stay here. Anyone can do it when it's their turn. You could do it, but yeah, it's not. All right, I'm going. Okay. You're going to teleport? Yeah.

Great. Do a charisma saving throw. 19. Nice. You're going to teleport? Yeah Great, do a charisma saving throw 19 Nice The average age 19 So you guys all see him just go Out of existence

You appeared down the path Back where you came from And nothing yet. Do I see any guards? Not yet, no. Probably gone. However, there's five steps of this thing. You're going to go one more time? Yeah.

Do a charisma saving throw. Nope. You're back with everybody else. Fuck. You got one more action. I'm going to go again. And you have spinach in your teeth. All right.

That's an 11. Boomf, you're back. Back where? Where you were in the middle of a cobblestone road without any guards around you. Okay. I'm going to run and look for guards and i'm also gonna scream yelling for guards you're gonna stay on the path kind of back in the direction you came from no i'm gonna go towards where the guards are wherever that is

the back towards where you originally came from okay yeah yeah sort of southwest as opposed to northeast so uh that takes us to lord ch You see, he opens his mouth and, um, what looks like, uh, little flies are, are starting to fly out of his mouth. Uh,

it's like that bridge in Austin, but with flies, the bats. Yeah. The bats. Uh, you see Gendy fly up

and meet with you up in the air Tui and she says did you do any damage to it I mean well it looked like I kind of messed its cheek up a little bit and then it healed up really nice I don't know maybe it

has some sort of magic putty in its mouth or maybe it's a god she goes well you know if you if you manage to do any damage to it that's a good sign it means it's it's not truly immortal or impossible to defeat yeah the damage i caused went away pretty quick she's like well okay um if we could keep damaging it at a rate faster than it can heal then i see us winning but i don't see that happening she goes okay uh what were you gonna do can i help you out up here do you i can attack it too i get it i'm getting a little a little sense of forebodingness talking to you, though. Yeah, anything you want to do to just chime in would be fine.

Fireballs, weird just shape-shifting things, or teleportation things, astral plane spells, anything you got would be nice. Have you had to stop this guy before? I've never heard of this guy hmm if i had to guess he's from the nine hells but uh never heard of him i didn't even see the eight hells so i have no idea what's going on oh this is the sequel it's not as good but they put more money into it they're in space in this one yeah exactly oh my god you totally get it it's the funniest one so she um easter h2o she uh kind of shrugs and uh waves her hand and you see a magical darkness fill the space and in front of this thing and it's big enough that you can't see lord casma anymore oh nice um but it's still a god on the other side of this thing so you're not yet

sure what it's going to be but you guys are what like 50 feet away from this thing so you know you feel uncomfortably close yes Typha, you're up. I shout I guess just to Bodhi talk, Jin Radina. See if you can talk to Jin Radina. I will use the crossbow and shoot it, I guess at the last location of the thing through the darkness.

I'm going to check range on that for you because I hate to keep reminding everyone how far away this is. You said it was 50 when you're flying Tui and Gendy are in the air my mistake all right no I only have 80 feet on the crossbow I mean that's

yeah all right then I will if you levitated you might be able to hit it I will what else could I do I can is the the door is down would the crystal have fallen out? Can I look for that missing crystal

that I put in the keyhole? I mean no you did that yeah you let me think. I'm trying to remember did you do that before the door fell down? Yeah do an investigation check. Not a perception? No, because you're trying to...

Specialty? An 18. What is my investigation? You find it down by the cobblestone. Thank fucking Christ. I start doing the same thing that Bodhi does. I start thinking and teleporting, looking for guards.

Do a charisma check. Do a saving throw. 18. Boom. You appear on the cobblestone path and you see about 30 feet away, Bodhi running southwest. By the way, the long range on the crossbow,

unless I'm reading it wrong, is 320. It's 320, but that's with disadvantage. I know, but just so you know. Yeah, when it becomes visible. I feel like shooting through the darkness. He would already be at disadvantage, so he would actually have higher armor class, basically. That's what I was figuring.

I shout after him, should I follow you or keep going? You mean teleporting following? Well, run. I'm helping you clarify. Should I run after you or should I keep teleporting following yeah well i'm helping you clarify should i run after you or should i keep teleporting i don't know what are you doing are you just running i'm looking for somebody yeah me too all right i'll teleport fuck it i'll teleport again boom uh 15 uh you 15. You appear and you see... Do a perception check. 15.

Yeah. You see being sort of strangled by a vine, one of the guards. I run at it and draw the sword and fucking chop at that vine. How far away? You've used up your two actions. I feel like the vine would be our friend, wouldn't it? Maybe. It's an interesting choice.

It's being tortured. Yeah, I mean, you don't know. Maybe the vine's attacking the guard because the guard has already hurt the vine. The torture master was also trying to help, so it feels like we might have to pick between whose help we would want then. Neddy, you're up.

So now I'm 50 feet away, but I have nothing that's 50 foot of range. Can I close and attack? How far away is the darkness? You're closer, but you're still on the ground. It's 100 feet up in the air, right? No, he levitated. Did you levitate?

Yeah. Okay, so you're... 30 feet closer? Yeah. I mean, you can close a distance, and if you have something that has 80 feet range, yeah, you can... Wait, because I levitated last time. You can't stack your levitates. Oh, you're right.

But can I move? Yeah. Levitated? So I levitated but didn't close? You can levitate and close. I'll say you're levitating. So I levitated and closed the first time and I'm closing again. You can't close up though.

It's 100 feet up in the air and you're 20 feet off the ground. I can't go forward or backward? It's directly above you. The thing is? Oh. Weird. If you're closing the distance, that's as much as you can close it on the ground. Okay, so I can't

get close enough. The biggest problem is that it's floating high up. And it's 100 feet in the air? Mm-hmm. 80 if you are levitating as high as you can. Right. Oh, I thought it was like that way. We were going towards it, not straight up. It's like 100 feet straight up.

Got it. Hmm. Well. Well. Yes, Ronald Reagan. Well. Well. Yes, Ronald Reagan. Well. Phil Hartman as Ronald Reagan. Well, jelly beans.

Well. Well, Nancy. Well. Well. Clock's ticking. Yeah. Well. These are scary.

If it happens, it might be bad for us. Giving you 30 seconds. You may not get to use that. I'm just trying to see if I have anything range teeth. All of these are scary. If it happens, it might be bad for us. Giving you 30 seconds. You may not get to use that. All right. I'm just trying to see if I have anything ranged. I did. I used it on Stormdoor. Range wise.

Fucking hell. Indeed. This is some fucking hell you're fighting. Any feet. 15 seconds. I guess I can cast darkness too. Great. Keep them seeing. 15 seconds I guess I can cast darkness too

great you see additional darkness open up beneath it so now it's two of its six sides big old spread of darkness although the bottom of it is not as wide as it's you see maybe some of its hair coming out

of the side but Gendy's more expansive darkness at least I can see where it is. Mm-hmm. All right. And... Tweez up. I'm going to swing around behind this thing. Okay.

As quietly as I can. Hopefully it'll keep its attention or keep its focus on my friends. And I'm going to start thinking about Jinradina. You know that you probably need more time to charge Jinradina before you can bring her back. All right. You just, last episode, tried some Jinradina business and were like, ugh, ugh.

But can you talk to her? As opposed to that shooting black stuff, but just... That's true. You could try to do a religion check and check in with her. Just kind of go, hey, what's like an ETA kind of a thing here? Sure. Where are you? Can you help us?

How do we fight this guy? Yeah. I think I just botched that, though. As a one? Yeah, I probably shouldn't have opened with the c word fuck yeah that's a no you don't yeah dead gods have a hard time reaching out to botches uh but you are you i will say you've managed to float around as you do so you notice two sides of lord chasma are enveloped in darkness but he's so massive that you know

many much of him seems to have movement and what is the darkness doing from my point of view is it just blocking like a floating shadow that's blocking his forward motion or lower motion okay is that my turn basically just you can to... You can try something. I will, you know, allow another... You haven't really done an action. You've used movement and you've gotten around to his side. Yeah, I feel like I'm just going to like attract his attention. You know what? I'm going to just hit him with a...

I'm going to hit him with a fireball. What else can I do? All right. Excuse me. Fireball or bolt fireball great I got eight of these His dexterity sammy throw wasn't great. 11, 12, 13, 16, and 24. 24 right into his incredibly thick, lustrous locks. Well, the right locks, on the right side of his face at least, are now burning.

Ah, you know, tell me, do you bleed? How about your hair? You don't see the hair turn black or, you know, like wither or, you know,

it doesn't seem to burn against his flesh, but it's spreading. I mean, it's, it's a huge fireball that hits this thing and it's kind of, so it's a piece. Okay. So I'm going to, uh, something. All right. it's a huge fireball that hits this thing and it's kind of so it's a piece okay so i'm gonna did something all right i'm just gonna fly backwards again and uh can't fly much more i mean you've you've used most of it to get around the darkness and get behind him so

you're mostly stuck behind him you can get kind of towards the side but okay i just want to get get out of range in case he swings around and does something godlike. He'd like to. Gilfrey, one of him, because there's two of him now, one of him starts running down the path and it's continuing to whistle and scream. The other one, he's, he can no longer really see Lord Kazma.

So he doesn't really know what to do either. Like he's the, the one that's sort of staying put right underneath him is just kind of like, like try to think of what to do. Esmeralda, you're up. So can I see any part of him at all?

No. Well well not really would i be able to get into position to see him and then point the ivory of the beholder at him yes okay that's what i'm gonna do okay so you could be very bad which way are you gonna flank him uh whichever is right or left i mean if you go if you go to the right there's larger torture racks with these vines on it but other than that it seems like either way is the same i guess the left then okay from the torture racks why don't you uh bust that wand out all right this could be this could make things a lot worse so i'm just letting everybody know that i have a good feeling i think this is going to be great i think this is going to turn it around for us he failed a saving throw so this is going to get interesting okay turn him into a puppy

what number did you just roll i rolled uh nine oh dear i remember the higher numbers being worse no it's uh it's good it's just not gonna help us right now each time you sleep roll a 20-sided die this is how long you will sleep in hours just kidding but if you botch your character will slip into a magical cursed coma only to be awakened with a successful remove curse spell the effect is permanent. So, you know, that sucks for him whenever he does choose to snooze. Fuck. Yeah, so you hit him with this and he just goes,

and just makes horrible god roars. I hate this game. Night, night. Bodhi, you're up. Sing him a night. Well, I'm still looking for guards. Yeah, and you saw a type of blink out. Okay.

What do I see? Do a perception check. You know who was great at the Palladino's breakfast show? Who? Yeah. Eggs TC. you know who was great at the paladino's breakfast show 16 yeah eggs tc uh you don't see any guards but you notice the vine seems particularly alive and loose on all these torture racks and in this stretch you see that there's these weird white looking vultures in the distant sky and they're flying in this sort of geometric pattern that looks strangely like angular for birds i bet you don't see any guards okay uh well um can i try the thing again? The crystal teleport? Absolutely. Do a charisma saving throw.

It's at least a 12. No, 13. So you go, and you appear and see Typha running towards a guard that is being strangled around the neck by this living. Can I run to? Absolutely. It's close enough that you can get to it

just in time to use your last action. All right. Well, I'm actually going to... Well, I was going to... Would fast movement help or then use up something? You don't need to use fast movement to get to it. Okay, cool. Okay.

But Tyfer sort of ran out of movement last. Okay, well, I run to it. Okay. And then what do i is the thing attacking the guard is that what i see so it's it looks like he approached a stone altar and this thing broke free and is wrapped around his neck and it's like a vine his sword looks like it's 30 feet away okay and the vine is wrapped around his neck The vine continues off onto different altars as if the whole thing is interconnected. Do a strength check.

Oh. Yeah, easily. Yeah, you just ripped the vine right off this guy's neck. Okay. He's like, ah! Oh, my God, I hate Melanica. Hey, do you have the key to the dome? He says, oh, no, I need to know the mercy prayer.

But I don't know the mercy prayer. I might have, but I forgot it. Who would know it? I mean, we're supposed to, but we've kind of missed our 36-hour meditation cycle. I think we're supposed to relearn it when we wake up in our court. Cord, help me refresh this guy's memory. Not this turn. Damn it.

This will be Lord Chasma. You see, those of you who are in front of Lord Kazma, what looks like a dozen humanoid flies pierce the darkness, flying towards you and the Colosseum. These things are humanoid, but they are very large. they are very large. Uh,

uh, they, they, they have, you know, um, sort of two back fly legs and then two arms, uh, long mosquito,

like tusks that come out of the middle of their face and a main of black hair. Uh, and there's like 12 of them. Um, Ken's making an amazing face. Um, like he just licked one of them. That's what an amazing face. Like he just licked one of them.

That's what your face looks like. They're going to hit Gendy real soon. Poor Gendy. And she's up. Go get him, Gendy! Yeah, show us that you're really truly a badass and do some amazing thing that we've never seen Gen D. Yeah, show us that you're really, truly a badass.

Like, do some amazing thing that we've never seen you do. So, like, buy toilet paper for the apartment. A giant black eye appears in front of Gen D. And, um,

you see the, this sort of, uh, rainbow colored ray shoot out of the eyes pupil into the flies. One of the flies is decapitated by it. And all the other ones just kind of out of the way of this giant eyeball. Typha, you're up. All right. So i run up i say that occurred 100 feet in the sky by the way no no i don't know anything about that i'm thinking about the rest of everybody

yeah bode in the guard i'm like okay i'm like can you get us in there uh can i relay what yeah i mean i don't i don't know what to tell you, man. It's the mercy prayer. I don't... We got to help this guy remember the mercy prayer. I'm supposed to wake up in the barracks, and then we learn all our stuff, but I don't know how I'm supposed to learn it as soon as I wake up. People have heard the mercy prayer. He asked us for it before. When we were teleporting, he said, say the mercy prayer.

Pretty woman. So they know the mercy prayer. We get back there and say to them, maybe now they'll understand the circumstances of, maybe they can say it to us because they've heard it. Okay. Where do we got to go? We got to teleport back to our buddies. Okay.

There's a bird person back there? Who's the bird person back there? The torture master. Oh, okay, okay. Little crow humanoid. Okay. All right, let's. We only have one of them, though.

One guard, right? Yeah. I'm just telling Chris. There's another guard of them, though. One guard, right? Yeah. I'm just telling Chris. There's another guard? Oh, boy. You go back. I'll keep looking. He's like, I don't know what to tell you, and he starts going through his pockets. You go back with him. I will keep

looking for the other guard. Does that make sense? Okay. All right. Can I teleport in my turn, or do I have to wait? No, you can teleport. I will will teleport again it's a 14 um you see um the remains of a guard so there's plate mail um a sigil of bahamut a search intestines part of a face. Like it looks like something just shredded into him. A plant or an angular white bird? The plant looks restrained.

You don't see any birds. Oh, fuck. What the fuck else is in here? All right. So I search his gross gutty pockets. Anything? Nothing? Do an investigation check.

His gross gutty pockets. 17. 17? Yeah. So, I mean, you flip him over, and you're kind of just trying to do what you can. And when you kind of flip him over, some of his armor sort of just falls off.

It's barely held on to his torso at this point. And you just notice that there's tattoos of words on his chest. Oh, my God. I memorized his body. And we'll find out how that went on the next episode. Damn it. Okay. Well, at least we get to play again.

You have to wait a week. Yeah, we're going to record another hour. You get to. The magic spell is a devil girl on a rocket. Can I plug a couple things? Yeah, we're going to go record another hour. You get to. The magic spell is a devil girl on a rocket. Can I plug a couple things? Yeah, please. My book's been out for a couple weeks by now. I hope you already have it.

If not, please check out Forever Nerdy. And the audio book, I'm assuming, should be available right now as you're listening to this, too. Anything else? What do you got? Well, what's your favorite way to sell it? Is there one? Do you care?

Anyone you want to give money? My favorite way? Is there like a bookstore? Well, yeah. Go to your local bookstore and actually purchase it from a person that works there. Calm ahead of time. Yeah, yeah. That's the best.

But then otherwise, Barnes & noble is a good one i'm doing a signing for them here in town but it's already happened who read the book who read the book is it richard burton i wish oh cc deville or paul f tompkins doing a richard burton impression oh my god why do you think of that now? I don't know. Do it yourself instead. I just did it myself. I know. So dumb.

Do you need people to follow? But I wrote it in my voice, so it was easy. Do you need people to follow NerdPoker on Instagram? Yes, please do. Yes, people should do that.

Review us on iTunes, all those good things. The two things I wanted to plug. And sponsor us on Patreon. Yeah. I mentioned this on a bonus episode last week, but I wanted to do this on a normal episode. Uh,

my friend Helen Crimmins, Barry Crimmins, his widow has, uh, this great book out of photographs. Uh, it's called may to may. It's about,

uh, May of last year to may of this year of Barry Crimmins, his life and them being married. Um, and it's really great book. She writes a really great thing at the end about his last 24 hours. And it's just awesome.

And Helen's really cool. So just go to helencrimmins.com or, you know, if she's not hard to find, C-R-I-M-M-I-N-S. And then I was just thinking about this. You know, Aaron English, who did the art today and who did our logo uh is trans uh and uh i knew him before he transitioned and i was talking to him today because uh stuff is

really hard right now a lot of a lot of people i know who are trans in la and chicago are are hurting terrified right now and i don't like to get political, but I just wanted to say that, uh, uh, we love you guys. Yeah, man.

Uh, and thanks so much to Aaron. And he's like, he lives in Canada. He doesn't have to, that's what we were kind of like, he was, he was like,

I'm so relieved. I'm not going through what people are going through. So I just want to put some love out there because, well, vote also. Yes. That's the other thing. Uh,

was this before? This will drop. We could drop it a day early so people go vote. We could give it to the public a day early. I don't know how much of a difference that'll make. I hope you voted. That's it. Unless you're a piece of shit.

If you know you're a piece of shit and you still vote, you're a strange person. I'm going to ruin lives. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Sino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.