Nerd Poker - Episode 39 - The Guardian Awakens

Episode Date: January 17, 2018

Our party has traveled deep beneath the land of Amynna, and the battle with the boulder-like Beholder is now in full swing. Also, everyone is less sick this episode so the overall energy (and Skeletor's Dick references) is kicked up a notch. Will the crew unlock the mysteries of the caves? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian Possehn. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my

life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got fifth edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. God damn it. Fuck it, we're going. I don't care. We've been trying to start for three hours. We have to escape reality. We're doing this. we're going. I don't care. We've been trying to start for three hours.

We have to escape reality. We're doing this. We're going. Let's do it. We did it. We're in. It's over. I'm Brian Pessain. This is the first episode recorded in 2018.

Happy New Year, everybody. We said Happy New Year probably three episodes in a row, but fuck it. All we have is newness. But now it actually is a new year. Happy New Year, Ken, Dan, and Blaine. I haven't seen you. This is last year.

And then I wrote the wrong thing or a check. So much has changed. It's episode 39, right? Yeah. And you know, we have a lot to be thankful for this season. Brian, Brian, Brian, you're thinking of Thanksgiving. I'm, uh, no, this time of year, we, you know, we just spend a lot of time with our family. It's a new year.

There's a lot of hopes and dreams. And I just, uh, I hope and dream dream mostly of skeletor's dick for everybody in 2018 yes if there is a void inside you i hope it's in the shape of skeletor's dick because here it comes hey avoid the void skeletor's dick uh any other uh patrons other than skeletoror's Dick that we want to mention? I got so excited about Skeletor's Dick, I forgot to actually look up the rest of it. We've got to figure out what we're doing to get to 2,000. She-Ra's Gunt? What's the big goal?

Where's She-Ra's Gunt? I have a bunch. What's the big thing that we promise people? I have a bunch of ideas for that. Joe Manganiello comes over and... Yes. Bryce Brennan's small shirtless in our pool. I feel like one thing we haven't offered yet is a long episode.

It would be really cool if we took a Sunday and just recorded something that we intended to release as just a four-hour. Like sleeping bags and marshmallows? That would be fun as shit. Yeah, just drop a four-hour episode. That's kind of how we used to do it back in Hardwick's old office. We would play for five or six hours. Before this was a podcast when we just played as friends. When I played in my 20s, yeah, it would be like,

let's order a pizza and then let's order another pizza four hours later. Two in the morning. Yeah. That was great. That's a thing we can do. Remember looking at this. And we'll have Mountain Dew sponsor it. And we'll pee in each other's mouths.

One more. We're like Mountain Dew. Back to you, Brian. That's not special. Stuff we could do by taking a chunk out of all the money that we've made from Patreon and pay to have an artist do something crazy and release it. Right. There's the whole thing where,

yo, we ought to get this, that mock Chagall. This is pretty egotistical, but if you ever wanted to just release some of the campaign as stuff people could download, I'd be game to throw that shit together. I could make... He's explaining more because I gave him a, huh, with my face.

Tell me what? I could take a bunch of the monsters that I homebrew made for this campaign and get an artist to draw them and put all their characters. You got an artisanal lich. Put their numbers on it like you would for an actual Monsters Manual. So people could play against them in their own campaigns.

For 2,000 people, we could make that the goal. Those are all some good ideas. We can't work it out. We'll write something up formal. Let's put it on the Patreon. But then we've also been talking for the regular listeners on expanding our cast. We promised that it looks like it's going to happen soon-ish. Let's move on to Patreon. Yeah, write something up for them all. But then we've also been talking for the regular listeners.

On expanding our cast, we promised that it looks like it's going to happen soon-ish. Yeah, so get ready to welcome Frances Stewart. She's dipping her toe in very slowly because she wants to. I can't believe she wants to come back full-time at some point, and I hope that really happens, but at least we're going to start. Yeah, she's just getting over the holiday craziness. She had her family over for a while. She's in another state right now.

We miss her. And I know the listeners do. People have been talking about it for a while. So we'd love to get her back in. Sarah Gazzardo. Oh. Yeah, yeah. As like a regular, who'd you say?

Dame Edna? Dame Edna. I didn't even say Dame Edna. Dame Edna is one of the original cast members. People forget. She is the funniest D&D player everything else is not funny the opposite of funny but when she's playing because she plays dwarves always

are you guys talking about the Edna that works over at the Ikea supermarket and she sells those little chocolate candies called dames. There's nothing like one of those candies. I never took the right improv classes. You guys, I just want to thank you.

I'm going to say no butt. I want to thank a few of our Patreon subscribers who make this possible. Thank you He-Man's Merkin. Uh-oh, someone's moving in on the Skeletor stick. Thank you He-Man's Merkin. Uh-oh, someone's moving in on the Skeletor stick. Thank you, He-Man's Butthole. No, this is not true.

Yep, yep, yep. Look, look. Oh, people. There's his real email address that I'm not going to read over the air. Please tell me there's a She-Ra's gun. Thank you, He-Man's... She-Ra's gun. This is a good one.

You want to hear this one. Jesus Christ. He-Man's He--ra's gun. This is a good one. You want to hear this one. Jesus Christ. He-man's he-taint. Blech. Skunk gore's pancreas. And then a few ones that aren't He-man's jokes. Thank you for sucking my dick. Thank you...

Ram-man's hood. Thank you, Scott Astrup. Thank you, Ari Feldman. I don't get Scott. Who? Ari Feldman. Ari? Ari Feldman. Ari. Thanks, Ari.

You remember the two Aris in the 80s? Thank you, Eric Fjeldheim. The two Aris. Thank you, Skeletor. Ari Haim and Ari Feldman. You fucking idiot. Thank you, Skeletor's left nut. Oh, moving around, Skeletor.

And thank you, Hideous D. Oh, Hideous D. All right. That was great. Thanks, you guys. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening. Thank you.

What happened in episode 38 is what I'm wondering. You guys are deep in what some people... Mike Connors is still tied to a chair. The tie was ticking. Mike Connors is still tied to a chair. The time is ticking. Mike Connors. You and I are the only people who should know what Blaine's talking about. And only one of us knew.

Hey, old people, here's what's happening. Anyway, listen, I remember when this was all banachek. What's that you say about my beef? You have to talk into my horn. Fucking oldest nerds alive. Tell me about the 70s again. Hey, where can I get a replacement stylist? I'm glad Jerry Lewis is not alive

so we'd have to pretend to understand your references. I'm going to have to go to Atomic Inn for some exosoles. In the Silver Age, we just called it comics. We didn't know it was the Silver Age. I like a nice hush puppy. It's soft and comfortable. Looking for something in a kid. You're in a dungeon.

The end. What are you going to do? Oh, fuck. You're deep in a minna. Stab the king. You're all up in that. Yes. Stab the king.

Stab the evil thing. That's Game of Thrones. You guys went far into some tunnels. You got guided in there by the leader of the lunar elves. And then you found a permeable wall where you kind of found an artery of the necromancy that's sort of powering the island. Yoth. You discovered the sort of spiritual shadow of Nettie there. Oh, yeah.

That was a sad day. It was a sad day. And we were all sick as fuck, so we sort of were able to have... Oh, yeah. Sorry for listeners for hearing us slurping. There's a lot of sniffling and a lot of like a big important thing would happen, and we would all just sort of stare. Like there was like some pauses in the last episode.

I think we were sick, and some of us were sick and high, I think. Yes, yes. And tired. Yeah. Yes. So I re-listened to it, and everybody was, I think. Yes. And tired. Yeah. Yes. So it was, I re-listened to it and everybody was, I thought, funny. Everyone I thought was coherent, but

we were all about to die. Like in real life, for real. I had bronchitis. You had bronchitis? I didn't see a doctor, but I'm fairly certain I had walking pneumonia or something horrible. I was catching both of those. Yeah. I went to the bus stop the next day to go to work and I got dizzy and almost fell over.

Like, it was real bad. I had anal mumps for a couple of weeks, too. Well, no, that's just called a butt. Wasn't she on laughing? Anal mumps? When your cheeks puff out like that, it's just a butt. That's not anal mumps. Well, no, it's just on the one side.

And then I hope I don't get it on the other side, like, later. Anal mumps. Anal mumps. Ain't you gladumps. Ain't no mumps. Ain't you glad you don't got ain't no mumps. To make up for the low energy of last episode, we all did cocaine before starting today's episode. So yeah, you guys encountered what is basically an old, dusty, gravel-encrusted beholder of some kind

that was blocking the path, kind of stuck in it. Blaine pressed a hand up against it, then a big old eyeball popped open, and the big toothy mouth popped open, and it started walking at you on its eye stalks. You think they're eye stalks. Oh, yeah. Cool age.

And you're fun. Cool age, yeah. But what are you rifling around in your bag like? Puff drops. Okay, because you're making eye contact with me while you're doing it which is how I always imagined

I would die yeah like some picking a gun out yeah so keep my gun in a paper bag a little disquieting but we are

mid combat you've done a bunch of damage but this thing is very slowly sort of coming to consciousness as you wail on it and

I hate it you don't you don't care for it much I wail on it. I hate it. You don't care for it much, which is understandable. I cast hate on it. I'm going to have you guys just for the fuck of it because, again, I relistened the episode,

could not figure out where we were on the initiative. So we could all re-roll initiative. And by the way, as you roll initiative, this is your 20 for the year. This is how good your 2018 is going to be.

As a human being. I'm not doing that. You don't have to say you're doing it, but I'm keeping track of it. Okay, yes, 19. I'll take it. Ryan rolled a 19. What did you get, Blaine?

Mine rolled out of the thing, but it was a 19. Are you lying to me? No, it popped out of the thing. I believe you, but that pause was amazing. It was the most unconvincing. Blaine was in my backyard 10 minutes ago. Oh, that's right. The magical backyard.

Well, ever since it went legal, you now have to smoke marijuana. I know. California people didn't know that that's what the law...

I'm hoping the cops don't catch me and pin me down. It makes me crazy, but I gotta do it. I'm so legally high. Ken, did you roll yet? No.

Let's roll, Ken, and see what kind of year you're gonna have. I was teasing Ken on Twitter because he thought this was a terrible idea, and then I got a bunch of Twitter followers to dare him to do it. Go. Roll, roll, roll, roll. 20!

You rolled a 50! That's amazing. Jesus Christ. Ken's going to have the best year of all of us Holy shit, yay No one has ever Baited a dice roll that horribly before Wow, that was amazing

Yeah, take that all you Beautiful So, Ken, what are you gonna do? Go first Are you gonna attack this giant piece of shit I'm gonna shoot it looks like this fucking sketch I'm shooting fireballs at it oh I thought for a second you're gonna do something that an arcane trickster rogue might do you shoot a fireball at this thing that's

something arcane trickster or well yeah you think I should use my fancy sword at this thing? That's something you're not going to interest your road can be. Is this the eye? Oh no, that's the mouth. You think I should use my fancy sword? What's this? Is that the eye? That's the eye, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's my good day with this thing. It's really tall. It's like 20 feet tall. 20 feet tall. Oh right, and we had already kind of...

And it's half stocks. I've hacked away at some of those stocks haven't i yeah but they haven't um broken off okay they're made they're made a very very thick hide okay i like my fireball because you can shoot fireball but it's fucking made of stone you goof remember when you shot fireballs at the katydids and they just went poof poof there's like gravel breaking off of it. Yeah, this thing looks really dense. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm going to try and use more colorful language to describe it to you. It has the hide of a rhinoceros that is rolled about in the bottom of a muddy canyon. What about a poison spray? He's doing what? He's going first, but we've got to figure out how we're attacking it.

It's not undead. No, but it's... What do you call it when a monster is really big? There's a word for it size-wise. I'm not pulling. Large? Yes, it's large. Enlargend?

I'm going to look up the monster. Turgid? It's a homebrew monster, but it's based off a certain kind of beholder that I pulled up. Bilious? Bulbous? Bulbous? Is there... It is large.

But he's large. After all that fucking... It is large. But he's large. After all that fucking... It's large. ...shatter. It's just like... I thought it was huge, but it's not. It's large. Is it undead, though?

So I am going to cast poison. You don't know? You haven't looked at it through the scarab? Oh. Have you looked it through the scarab? Poison spray. Who wants the scarab? I have the scarab.

I don't care. I'm still shooting poison atab? Poison spray. Who wants the scarab? I have the scarab. I don't care. I'm still shooting poison at it. All right. Poison spray. Poison spray. All right. Let me look at it. I just want to go over poison spray.

Great. It's going to try to resist. Go for it. It goes like, I'll be luck, luck, lucky. That's a nope. That's a terrible poison spray. All right.

Where were you aiming with that? More of a facially. Po poison spray. All right. Where were you aiming with that terrible poison spray? More of a foison spray. Okay. So you throw it, and it hisses as it hits the eye and the inner lining tissue of its mouth. Yeah. Something happened there. That's a good area to hit it on. The number you said for damage is a thing that happened, sort of, because it didn't make its wisdom saving throw.

Eight. Yeah, that's some damage. Something, something. You don't know how much it may have resisted because, again, it is very thickly hided. Oh, my God. Is it hiding behind a bookcase? I feel like, well, you're definitely ahead of your NPC companions,

but how are we going to roll this off? Roll a 20 again real quick. Oh, my God. I'm going to have a 20 here. 11. All right. Blaine, you're up. I'm going to do kind of the, you know what?

I'm going to hit him in the eye with a couple of arrows. I haven't done that in a while. Sweet. Go for it. What's your attack roll? 16. That's a hit. Bullseye. What's an arrow I haven't shot at?

What kind of bow do you have? I have a... Bilbo. You know what I have? I have a short bowbo. You know what I have? Fucking idiot. I have a short bow. 1D6. 1D6?

Oh, but against large, it's probably more. It might be 1D8. I will tell you, short bow is... What? Yeah, 1D6. 1D6? 1D6. Four. All right. Hang on. 1d6? 1d6.

Four. All right. 1d6 Dimash. With a dexterity of 18, do I get a... I don't get two attacks in a round? Yeah, you get two attacks in a round. All right. Why not? Another 16.

All right. That's another hit. And that's a two. So right in the eye, right? Doink, doink. Yep. It blinks very slowly as the arrows stick in there, and as its eyelid hits the stock of the arrow,

it breaks off and opens again. You see there's still little holes where the arrows landed. Bodhi, you're up. I'm going to rage, war child. Who do you call a war child? You called me war child. Yeah. It was cute.

I'm going to try this. I'm going to attack that thing like it's a fucking ugly AT-AT, and I'm going to try the magic my necrotic damaging magic rope around its legs and try to take it down isn't that from the bonus episodes oh fuck you're fucking you do I think have bolos don't you but that... Damn it, I was so happy to use that. You're right. Okay. Fuck that. I'm still raging.

That would have been interesting. Fire doesn't really do anything to this thing, did it? Did I use Harold of Kalmar? I'm having... I'm trying to remember. I think you did. Is there any sort of soft white underbelly to this thing? Or is there any?

Mouth and eye. Okay. And a soft white underbelly. So the hard part is hitting its eye is a higher armor class because it's leaning back. What else is around me? Roll a perception check, please. This will not count as your combat action.

Okay, so you are in a very small room in the tunnel. The walls kind of expand out a little bit here, presumably to have made room for this thing The walls kind of expand out a little bit here. Presumably to have made room for this thing or some kind of ritual. There's carvings on the wall. It's like really dusty carvings. And if you kind of

look behind, between the legs of this thing, you see the tunnel behind it is lit up a little bit. Well, I was looking more for something I could kind of launch off of and kind of do a Superman punch. The sides of this room don't have any bench or anything, but there's divots in the rock where you could try to jump up.

Or even if I could get Ken to do that jock trick. No, not the fastball. Not the fastball. Do the one where they do in 80s movies where the one jock gets down on his hands and knees and the other jock pushes somebody over. But this way, I would jump off of Ken's back and stab the thing in the mouth. I'm not against it. All right. I'll roll up and move up. You'll have to do a de I'm not against it. All right.

You'll have to do a dex check to pull it off. That's in athletics, I think. Me too, or just him? No, you just got to crouch over like a goof. I've got an I plus on athletics. Yeah, I'm going to say this is athletics difficulty just 10. No problem. Yep.

So you plant a foot right on Tom's back, and you spring up. You are now waist level with its mouth. Yeah, there's gum on your back. Cool, and then this is for the hit. Now, are you going straight up, or are you kind of going right at it? I feel like I just want to stab into it and maybe go through the soft part.

Of its mouth or its eye? The mouth. I want to go... You want to go through the fucking soft palate on top? Almost like getting a bone stuck in his mouth. Like, you know, just go... Like a rancor? Yeah, that kind of thing.

Top or bottom? Top. mouth like you know just go top or bottom like a rancor yeah that kind of top or bottom uh top okay you're totally okay because there's no tongue up there right so uh why don't you roll your your uh your first 20 okay well that's a hit that's a fucking 18 that's 18 plus uh seven on that so you bring uh the flaming Herald of Calamar into this guy's soft palate, and I wonder what happens. Flaming Calamari. What's this flaming Calamari brought to you by, Blaine?

Oh, this is brought to you by a kid's Coke. Cocaine for kids. Finally, kids can get in on some of daddy's action. Kids Coke from the makers of Children's Crocodile. Wow. Nine and then... Jesus. Eleven.

Nine, eleven, never... This damage. Hashtag blessed. The beholder will not forget. Jet fuel can't melt steel beholders. All right, so roll for your second attack. Knock the loose chains out of him this time. Rolling that dice on the floor.

Oh, my wallet. Damn it. Frank can't get it in the tower. There we go. What's your strength bonus? Seven, so 16. Oh, that's a hit. Go for it.

That's all you needed was that sweet 16. Cool. Eight, so 10. Cool. And both of those hits were with a wee little bit of fire bonus you just fucking

slam into the roof of this thing's mouth twice and it sure is focused on you now thanks for the assist so I'm going to have you do one more thing before the beholder takes its turn.

Would you please do another dex check, difficulty 12. Not you guys. Taking consideration, I have danger sense for this too. Sure, sure. Because I'm avoiding whatever he's doing. You're trying to land somehow not in his mouth. Okay.

You just dove towards him and hit him in the mouth twice with your sword. Now you're going to try to not land inside of his mouth. 8. Plus what? For dex or athletics. Yeah, it's the dex. Okay. With dex, not athletics?

Yeah. Okay, yeah. So I'm going to say, because you just kind of made it, you're going to be able to plant both your feet on its upper lip. And you're kind of stuck there right now. He is not going to attack you outright, but please do a wisdom saving throw now. Difficulty of 12.

Another 12-y. Holy shit. You get a really bad headache, but you see this thing, it's staring fucking bullets through you. Wow. Holy shit. You get a really bad headache, but you see this thing, it's staring fucking bullets through you. Wow. I hit 12 on the nose.

Yeah, you didn't take any damage, but it is actively casting on you right now. And it's probably going to keep at it for a while. So enjoy the next couple rounds. Do you enjoy the next couple rounds? I will. I will. I will. You all see. You better try.

A wood elf by the name of Pankin draws an arrow. Stuart Pankin? Mandy Pankin? To Pankin? Coffee in a cardboard cup. Pankin Bass. Hits him in the eye for two points of damage. Levoyne fires an arrow.

And that's another hit. And surely. Hello, Levoyne. For six points of damage. Varzo. That way this day could get worse. Hello, Levoyne. Misses.

Hello. the plane. Hello. Lana win. Uh, cast. By the way, uh, uh, Michael McKean and David Lander were in,

uh, uh, used cars. Yeah. They were great in used cars. Yeah. That movie is funny as shit. Um,

I'm blowing the shit out of high prices. That, my friend, is too fucking high. LeWolven has begun casting a spell that's going to take a few turns. So you don't know what she's up to, but she's levitating in the back of the group. Is that Ernie Hudson? No. Who was that? I think he's the guy that's in 1941 in the tank.

What the hell is his name? Okay. Because he was funny. There was a running gag where every time you would see him in the background, he was sound asleep doing something dangerous. All right. Anyway, sorry. So Gago is attacking this thing. So, Gago is

attacking this thing's mouth. Gago. And he just rolled really good, so he's gonna take out his two daggers, Lil Pokey and Lil Sticky. Oh. Pokey and Sticky were lying

in bed. Pokey rolled over and Sticky came all over him and of course meat so he's a total sheep he's following bodie's lead he's gonna go right up to where bodie stabbed it and he hits it for sheesh uh Uh... Or beef, not meat. Really? He just did a lot of damage. Uh, he does 16 points of damage. Who did?

Gago? Yeah, he's inside its mouth just doing a flurry of stabbing. Go, Gago, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, gadget, Gago. Uh, you are up Ken. Who's up Ken?

Two fingers That's all it takes Blarg I will Folks at home you can make your own two fingers Inside of Ken by folding a piece of paper Six times Sorry

That's actually a cocktail two fingers inside of Ken Is it really? Can I cocktail Two fingers inside of Ken Is it really? Yeah you take a glass Can I get two fingers inside Ken? Yeah Can you rub the rind on the rim plate? I am Smelling like a rose

That somebody gave me On my birthday Casting a ray of sickness Is that a Nickelback song or something? Is he still Stone Temple Pilots? Oh Are you still standing on Pilots? Oh.

Are you still standing on the guy? Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Don't do anything that would murder my... I will use my arrow proficiency. Okay. And shoot one. Like with your hands or like a bow?

A total bow. A total bow is my favorite 90s workout. Bow Jackson. Bow does Pilates. Bow Jackson, Thai bow. All the bows. What the hell? Plus two perversion.

Roll to attack, you fuck. Oh, yeah. Plus two damage. That's what it is. That's it. So plus two damage on my arrow. Plus two damage on my arrow. Knocked the flipper off your dice, Tripe.

Do that again. Knocked the flipper off again? Don't play D&D just fucking mess around with your tower oh Kenneth plus two so three fucking poke it with an arrow I think you did use your hand

for that one what's going on here you just broke your diving board it's magnetic so it's fine you just gotta why'd it fall off? I think because you chucked your dice too hard. You gotta be gentle. Fucking magnets. How do they work?

Okay, Shaggy2Dope, you're up. Oh, I'm gonna do another couple of arrows. Go for it. That's a five. That's a no. A five is a no. No, sir.

Then a four is definitely a hit, right? Okay. It bounces off the edge of this thing. Brian, you're up. Okay. You are standing on its face. A little precariously balanced. Well, I'm raging that's what you

are raging as you stand on a living boulder I'm gonna stab it it's fucking stupid mouth again oh my god please do oh my god 17 that's a hit Jesus and that Jesus. And a 15. All right. And so then do much damage on both of those. Did you just roll both your attacks before you rolled your first damage? I sure did. You're a silly boy. I'll take it. Yeah.

Eight and eight. All right. You come away with a tooth this time as you keep hacking out his mouth this guy's got a resilient mouth that's what she said horrible Ned Beatty out there

sure got a resilient mouth and by she I mean the nice lady who likes fucking what do you call it peg me in the mouth with a giant steel dildo

she said you've got a resilient mouth so this guy hey Brian yes would you please do another wisdom saving throw? Difficulty 12, like last time? I didn't make that one Uh-oh

Hey, Blaze Hey, Blaine, what was this mystery spell brought to our listeners by? This one, oh, sorry, sorry. And by mystery spell, I mean I just have to look up the damage it's about to roll. I know what it is. This is brought to you by Brawny Freeze.

Paper towel soft serve. Ew. It comes in handy if you really need a paper towel in a hurry. Just enough. What'd this asshole do to my brain? Like, I care. And in Russia... Okay. Okay

Trying to find it Here we go I'm sorry that was really far away from the mic There we go Luckily for you This There we go. Luckily for you, this... What are these farts brought to you by, Blaine? These farts are brought to you by tuna salad.

If you want the airline to pay... I mean, pay... You I mean pay, tuna salad. Nothing farts like tuna salad. Back to you, Brian. A twisted crown of jagged iron appears on Bodhi's head and appears to dig points into the sides of his head. That's unfortunate. You do not take any damage as of yet, points into the sides of his head. That's unfortunate.

You do not take any damage as of yet, but you guys notice that his eyes begin to have a sort of violet fire swirling in them. That's unfortunate also. Both of those things are unfortunate. I don't like that. I don't like that at all. More damage is being done by the elves that I don't feel like at all. More damage is being done by the elves that I don't feel like doing an algorithm for.

That gets knocked off. And then, this happens. Yep. Brian, you feel like you're a little dizzy uh it's just a little dizzy you're not sure what's happening you feel just a soft

pressure on your temples um and then a bright white light appears above everybody and you have to do an athletics check a difficulty of a 15, please. Yep, 19.

You manage to keep your feet planted as a small iguana-like creature bursts forth from a sack that you've had slung over your back for the last few hours. A little croca druid that you knocked unconscious and threw in a bag explodes out of the bag

and appears to be casting some sort of spell against everybody. What the fuck? How the fuck did that? When did I even grab that thing? You left it asleep in your bag for a few episodes. Guess what? According to my dice, it's

wakey-wakey time. Well, I'll tell I'm gonna tell its manager that it's not a real self-starter. You guys, there's a blinding white light above you on the roof of the cave. You're not sure what it's doing yet, but it's magical. And

hovering over Bodhi and the monster is a tiny little... It's like the size of a terrier. This little, like, iguana, bipedal druid thing. That thing put the crown on me? No. The beholder did that crown to you, and then this thing exploded out of your bag

after the beholder put the crown on you. Your scrotal bag. Good one, Ken. Thanks. Gago's up. Snort. Gago can tell some fucked up stuff is going on. So he goes after the croaker.

And he starts going stabby stab on the little floating iguana man. And only does a couple of points of damage. Wouldn't it be like multiple croca, single crocus? Rhymes with rocking. No, wait, different band. Ken, you're up. Oh, my God, I don't even know what to do anymore. I will attack the beholder.

What you gonna do, friend? Better arrow than last time. Wow, yeah, that's a good one. Two better arrows than last time That is what they call a critical success Plus two Seven Is it plus two to both?

I guess so Just take the flipper off you freak I've demagnetized my entire life Yeah I think that's what happened The magnet got... You need to wear copper bracelets. Stop rubbing your credit cards on your dice tower. Okay.

So, those... That damage happens. And in addition, would you please roll a 100? Yeah. For you are on what's called the crit table. Oh, shwingo. Those are very bouncy dice. 17?

A 17 out of 100? Isn't that... Yeah, that's 17. 10 and 7, yeah. Okay, well, that's not great. You just took a turn away from the beholder, though. Ha-ha! Yay.

Take that. We'll take it. Behold that shit. Blaine, you're up. Can I do a cloud of daggers around him? Sure can try. He's going to try to not get hit by it. But he fucked that up real good and rolled a two.

Ooh, cloud of daggers. I didn't expect it to work. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. How many of those have you learned? That's not a cantrip, right? You've already cast this on the beholder. Oh, okay. All right, forget it.

There's one thing I remember about ye olde sleepy episode 38. Oh, okay. You cast a cloud of daggers. That was probably when I was asleep. We were all asleep. I remember when I took all that Ambien and turned out some table legs on the lathe. That was a good day. That was nuts.

I think that was the day I tried to pour some scotch down my urethra. Oh, man. What a rousing success that was. on my urethra. Oh, man. What a rousing success that was. And then we went back to the doctor, because I had my dick hurt, and it turned out your watch

was still up there. Pulp Fiction 2. All right. I'm hitting it with an arrow. That's a 14. And that one missed. Okay. Roll for damage on that 14, please. Three.

And can I make a Charlie Callis noise? It makes that noise. I don't know, can you? Are you capable? Brian, do a wisdom saving throw, please. 19. Good. do a wisdom saving throw please 19 good alright the crowd explodes and goes away

alright you get you get to let's see roll a monster defeat. Roll for monster defeat. Okay, so you are able to not attack Blaine by making that wisdom saving throw. You feel this overwhelming urge

to swing the Herald of Kelmar across Twee's chest, but you're able to clamp your fists down on your sword and stay your shoulder joints from swinging. Holy key wrap. Luovan says it's time to party. So I don't get my own role. I'm being controlled. You're charmed.

Thank you. The pleasure's mine. And you're out of the WB. WB circa 2004? The yabba dabba WB. Man. I'm just going to get canceled again. Mission Hill.

Something fun happens. Weird WB-otch. Amidst the chaos. What was the army show? Yeah, that was... Was that WB? I think so. All right.

Army show. So, like a bunch of little pillars. This beholder has been sort of walking on its stalk legs. Something that sounds like a bomb goes off in the middle of them. Jesus. Ah, do that one again. What the fuck?

And a bunch of them break off. Bunch of what? The leg stocks. Oh, good. On this beholder. Snap right off. And it kind of flops to the side. There's only like three stocks still attached.

It just lost like 26 of them. Wow. Holy crap. Who did that? Luovan. Oh, nice. And so the other elves take a shot. Whoa.

Hey. Blah, blah, blah. Wizard needs food. He is now rolling around on the ground ground and he doesn't look great there's a sort of gray slime leaking out of all the little uh peg holes uh bode please do um an athletics check a difficulty of uh well you're charmed. This is going to be harder. 15. Whoa! Nice. Yeah, with your bonus, you're fine.

You manage to kind of do a little tuck and roll, and you're getting to your feet, and the crown sort of dislocates itself from your forehead and evaporates into the air. Is he not dead but he's almost dead? He's not doing

great but you... I'm fucking finishing him. This spell is broken. Ken, you're up. Maybe I'm finishing him. Not with that roll! I'm gonna stab his mouth a bunch. Almost. Blaine, you're up. You know, I'm going to step back.

I'm really hurt. I'm just going to sit back this one. You know what I'm going to do? I highly encourage you to do something if you choose. Can Lew Elvin heal, or can anybody else heal, Blaine? You know what? I have a healing potion. I'm going to doff that right now. Okay.

Uno momento, por favor. Doff. Scarf? Are you going to doff it or quaff it? Roll a 2d4, please. And add two. That's what it says when it's about to die. Seven plus two is nine.

You regain nine hit points. Nine? I could use those. I'm sure you've seen them, but the Black Series toys. Oh, for Star Wars? They're like the fucking coolest action figures out there. I love those. Yeah, and Marvel has a similar thing. I think they're called Marvel Legends, where it's these

really well-made figures, man. And the shit that we wish we would. I mean, we had Tom's Tons and all those, but they're so cool. They're like a cross between the old Star Wars figures and those Todd McFarlane figures. Yeah, yeah.

Just with a ton of articulation. They're just really well made. Is it Vader with his helmet off and just in his cape is sort of blowing in the wind? Yeah, man. They fucking rule. We got, for Rhodes, we got the H the wind. Yeah, man. They fucking rule. We got, for Rhodes, we got the Hoth set. Well, it was so Han and his Tauntaun,

and then Luke comes with the Wampa. Uh-huh. And they're the fucking coolest. Awesome. They're so great. And Melanie found a Landspeeder, which I hadn't even seen. But the land speeder, remember the one that came in the 79 or whatever?

The sprinty wheels. Yeah, but this thing. Oh, man. You know they have one now that kids can drive. Yeah, I've seen that. Little kids land speeder. It's all right. Crazy.

Well, we shall have one. Well. You can. If you want to be the creepiest grown-up on the block. I'll take it down to Gelson's. How great would that be? Fucking 45-year-old person. I'm a lot older than 45, dude.

Dude, I fucking rounded down. He doesn't keep asking you if it's Anchorhead. Just take it. I was at your 50th birthday party. Is this Tasha's station? Shut the fuck up. Those figures are so cool. Nerds are going to start beating each other up.

Shut up, nerd. You're just baiting people. You are rising to your feet. The steel crown has dissipated from your forehead, and this thing is trying to prop itself up on its tongue while three stone pillar legs. It looks like he's trying to bend his legs to do something with them. And as you see, the bottoms of the legs almost look like they're trying to blink open.

Like there are old crusted over eyeballs at the ends of these things. Yes. Eye stalks. Yeah. Like a snail. I'm going to put my regular. I'm going to go back to. Oh, no, maybe I will.

So he gets a little fire damage on this. I'll keep going with Harold. We're going to stab the boy. And I'm putting it through his eye this time. Okay. Roll to attack. Twice with a lot of mustard behind it. Yeah, 19.

That qualifies as mustard. That's the mustard. That qualifies as mustard. That's the mustard. That's the spicy mustard. That's like the... Put the old mustard on it there. That's that mustard that had those seeds in it. Like the brown specks

in this mustard. All grain. Oh, nice. 11 on that. Oh, boy. So you kind of go... And it just kind of like pulls out a bunch bunch of more dark gray slime the first time. And then I'm going to go the other way.

I'm going to do crisscross on it. Give it crisscross applesauce treatment. 17. Bonk, that hits. I thought it might make him jump, jump. Did Mac Daddy make you? I thought it would make him. We all. Did Mac Daddy make you? I thought it would make him. And Daddy Mac would make you.

Suddenly we all looked down and our pants were on backwards. That time, as you pull your sword out, you feel like you got a little bit of brain tissue stuck to it. And it's still moving and chomping its mouth, but it's almost like an ant would twitch its legs. I think he's pretty dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kill it. Can I do anything? I don't get a legs. I think he's pretty dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kill it.

Can I do anything? I don't get a bonus. I'll say this. You guys are no longer in combat. So do whatever you like. All right. I'm going to just stir it around. Yeah, little cubes of eyeball tissue start flying against the wall.

And Luovin plants her feet on the ground of eyeball tissue start flying against the wall and Leuven plants her feet on the ground and just sort of holds a hand up to keep the eyeball tissue from splashing in her eyes. And then when I'm done doing this, or while I'm doing it, while I'm stirring up the pot, I yell, fuck you at it. That's a good curse.

That's a fine curse. You guys notice there's a lot of detail to this room. It looks like somebody may have spent time in this room. I'm only down 10 from that guy. Oh, no, because did I take... No, you never told me any real damage. I didn't take any. I was just held to that.

But I think I took damage last episode. No, and you guys, as you sort of look around, there's a lot of interesting things. This is like an alcove, kind of. There's carvings on the wall and a language. There's no actual physical relief when I kill one. No, like in this game. Like sexual gratification?

No. Nothing weird. Are you just tense from all Sexual gratification? No. Nothing weird. Are you just tense from all the creepy shit? No, relief, not release. No, that would be gross. Sorry. No, I feel like relief. Is the island too creepy where every time you see something...

No, I just get stressed out when I'm fighting. It's cute. Doug Watkins, D&D psychotherapist. Psych dnd psychotherapist psychotherapy psychotherapy roll to resist projecting um so you uh yeah you notice like someone's been in here carving something on the walls it's a language you don't immediately recognize you could try to recognize it there uh appears to be little pockets in the wall. They're very small. They're like hand-sized pockets.

You feel like there might be something in them, but it's a very old room covered in dust. You see Gago. Treasure pockets. Gago is flying over the corpse of that iguana thing, the croca. He's just sort of stabbing its corpse. That thing's dead too. Good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He finished it off. Thanks, Kago. Is the writing infernal or sylvan? If you want to examine the carvings, please roll a 20-sided dice for me. You stare at it for a while and it starts to look like a schooner. Mall rats joke for the kids.

I knew exactly what you were talking about. I just saw Ethan Supley in something else. He was so great in that. Oh, I saw him in something else not that long ago too. He was really good in it and I don't remember what it was. What were you just in? Oh, he was in that fucking Hugh Laurie show on Hulu. Oh, I don't watch that.

Chance, yes. Hugh Laurie? Chance, thank you. He I don't watch that. Chance, yes. Hugh Laurie? Chance, thank you. He's so great. He's great in everything. Yeah, he plays like this weird, I forget if he's like a veteran or something, but he's like this crazy,

like psychotic assassin guy. We did a thing years ago, and he was the nicest guy. I love the guy. What was the first thing I saw him in? It was like Varsity Blues or something? I feel like Mallrats was the first thing I saw him in? Varsity Blues or something? I feel like Mallrats was the first thing I saw him in. Yeah, it was something.

Because Mallrats, even if you have a big part, it's pretty small. It was a running gag, but he was super funny. He had a bigger part than Ben Affleck. Suck it. Affleck. Affleck was good in that. At playing a bully dick.

I thought. He still had his original teeth back then I didn't know he didn't see some fun gaps in his teeth that he doesn't have anymore he's got Batman teeth now Batman teeth? I want to get Batman teeth those are teeth that saw his parents get killed no I don't.

Instead of the pearl necklace dropping to the ground in the alley, it's just a bunch of teeth. So, Batman, I want you to rinse. I spit. Five minutes. Bane DDS? Yeah, that's Hardwick's Bane impression. It made me so happy when I was watching Lego Batman,

and I went, holy fuck, Doug Benson somehow traded up the impression he did of Bane on his podcast into being in a Lego movie. Yeah, he's Bane's voice in the Lego Batman. Benson actually is Bane. Did you not know that? No, I didn't know that. That's hilarious.

Good for him. He has a lot of lines. Yeah, he did some really, he was funny when he did it. So that makes sense. I've seen that movie with my son, Wolf Rhodes. I remember when I saw it in the theaters, I was like, holy shit. I didn't know that. Good for him.

Is that fucking hilarious? And then I made my daughters wait and watch the credits with me. And I went, ah! That's awesome. Yeah, because there's not that many voice actors in it either. There's like 12 voice actors. And it's like, you know, fucking Will Arnett, Rosario Dawson, Doug Benson. Wow.

It's crazy. Zach Alphans. Zach's in that one, too. Zach's the Joker. Yeah, yeah. It might have been how he got it. Like that one too Zach's the Joker it might have been how he got it Zach was just recording the Joker do you know who could do Bane maybe

so yeah there's this room there's a couple of corpses in it um Leuven tells you guys um I'm not sure what this is uh some sort of trap set by the demolith but um if we go further down the tunnel i think we're only a couple of hours away from the bottom of amena as it were i don't know a lot about this tunnel because my people have never gone this far in this tunnel but based on what i know about time going back i don't know a lot about this tunnel because my people have never gone this far in this tunnel. But based on what I know about time going back, I don't feel like we can make time go back much faster.

I can feel it in the air. Time is going backwards very fast right now. Does anybody else need to heal or do anything before we... I'm going to do a song of rest. A song of rest? A song of rest. Everybody that hears it gets 1 was 26 okay why don't you roll that 1d6 so nobody knows what language this is on the wall for I just

got to someone else wants to check they can roll it but you've spent your examination I work if you're Healing up the NPCs What was that Brian? I don't have any sort of Arcana or anything That would help Do you still have Any hit points you need healed back anybody?

Yeah I could use another 8 Blaine what about you? You've got one NPC with healing powers Okay Yeah I could go up a little bit how many are you missing brian's down i am down i'm currently down seven but yeah how many do you have total top total right now 25 all right so 23 give it to blame because i have a lovin's gonna walk over to blame and uh she lays hands on you for another nine, so you're back. Woo-hoo.

And she says, I wouldn't be opposed to it. If you guys want to actually rest here for a couple minutes, we might need, I don't know what big fight we've got. Yeah. You have no idea? No. I really. She shakes her head and she says, You need to relearn some spells or anything?

Yeah, I can totally. Let's rest and then let's call this episode. Yeah, she says we should be very careful. I feel like we could see some things we don't want to see. We could see some things. Like American Hustle? What a dog shit piece of shit that was. We talked about this already, but I'll talk about it again.

I really hated that movie. Ah, maybe so. It made me re... Which one's that? It's a David O. Russell movie where it's like... Oh, from like three years ago. Where Christian Bale's fat and... Yeah, from a couple years ago.

Everybody's sweaty and covered in... Also, Up in the Air, I hated that one too. I'm just gonna... I don't like that one either. Fucking horrible. The George Clooney movie about how you're sad when you go on airplanes? Yeah. Written with a hammer.

Not a fan of him. Yeah. Anna Kendrick's fucking adorable. Well, she's perfect in everything she does, but that doesn't make it a good movie. Right, okay. Yeah, I've met her. She's very sweet. She's pitch perfect in something.

You did not just try to... I did say that hey hey you know what I got it in an auction I'm gonna kill all you pitches that guy used to shoot James Bond with stab your fucking throat you stupid stupid bitches. So, Leuven's like maybe two hours before time starts going back so far, I would be nervous. Okay. So let's do a Leomund's Tiny Hut so nothing fucks with us. And then we'll just...

We got fucked with in one of those. Yeah, last time, I think. Well, there's some magical... Plus you called out and alerted somebody to your presence you guys are weird with the tiny eyes

I think a picture of this person is beautiful it's my shitty drawing thanks for listening to episode 39 everybody of Brian Pessain's

Nerd Poker you guys are alright you guys are fun see you soon enjoy the heavy metal playing in the background of this episode thanks for listening You guys are fun. See you soon. Enjoy the heavy metal playing in the background of this episode.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. I'm your favorite doctor, doctor. The devil worships the devil. The devil worships the devil.

All right, Grandpa, that's not how it sounds. Party like you just don't give a darn. Check it, check it, check it. Drop out of school. Thanks for listening.