Nerd Poker - Episode 4 - Aw Netty

Episode Date: May 10, 2017

When last we left our heroes, they had uncovered a tentacled beast in the abandoned Drow city and Tom Diretto was looking a little woozy. As he awakens things seem a bit different. Will he reunite with the love of his life? Or will he start chopping up his friends? Only time will tell.

Hey everybody, it's Brian, and you're listening to episode 4 of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. I want to thank you again for following our new show, whether you're listening to us right now on Libsyn or iTunes or any of the other places. And if you're following us on Patreon, I really want to thank you for supporting us there. We've got our bonuses being recorded very soon, and I have a great special guest for the first two episodes that we're recording. So as far as the sound issues, they're still here, obviously. Everything gets ironed out by episode 10 or 11. But I just want to thank you for your patience. And if the Casio bugs you, that goes away soon, too.

I took it away from Lane. And if you love it, sorry, it's not coming back. But anyway, you guys are the best. Thanks for listening. Bye. Hey, it's Brian Poussaint. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one.

It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're gonna be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Hi everybody.

You're listening to Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Is that what we're calling it? Yeah! That's totally what we're calling it. It feels weird because there's no longer a way to segue into saying hi to the rest of us. Right, but here we go.

I still have my friends. Hi! There they are. Just barely. We're betraying you more and more. Hey, hi. And Cassio. Hello, Cassio. we're betraying you more and more hello Casio oh it's like trolley how are you doing Casio what do you think of Donald Trump Casio this is too stupid to be as funny as it actually is.

What's the dick of Rogue One? Almost sounded like Blade was trying to do the Star Wars theme. But it didn't. Alright, but what happened last time? Well, last time... Tell us, Casio. But it didn't. Alright. Before it happened last time. Tell us, Casio. You guys are on a strange... What? What?

It's that damn time. Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm too easily distracted. That's going to be the new problem with your DM. Your DM is like, Why is that light over there? Blaine will still find a way to ruin it.

Nothing could stop him. I'll talk to him later. I'll talk to him later. So, you guys, I'm pretty thrilled that you are underground in the land of the drow. This is an abandoned drow area.

You have kind of gone there to leave. Like a Northridge Mall of some sort? Totally! Totally. Maybe they'll drown. The Blues Brothers are driving their

caddy through here. Yeah, it's very dusty and you decided to go check out what looked like a sort of library area. You found yourself a loot. Oh, yeah, I remember that one. You kind of ventured off from the rest of your rather large party, honestly. There was ten other soldiers, plus your friend Lekas. A lot more people answer our e-bite than we thought.

Well, people were really bored of this encampment. You guys are in kind of like a weird little lost bay area called Amina. Yeah, you went underground and it's creepy. We have a zine.

And you woke up a little friend who's sort of under a sheet. Sort of hibernating. Yeah. You're fighting a beholder. You... Let me turn that off. That hurts, though.

We need to pause for half a second. Yeah, we're going to pause. And... We're back. That never happened. So, yeah, you guys are fighting a beholder. Big, slimy, many-armed thing covered in eyeballs. You did lop off one of its tentacles.

And you felt pretty good about it. But now you're kind of looking at the edge of the tentacle that you lopped off. at the edge of the tentacle that you hopped off and it's already sort of, this sort of, you know, maned stump is starting to sprout a little bit of just rough unhealed flesh,

but clearly it's planning to regenerate later, so it's, you guys are glad that you've got about ten soldiers coming in the room because you're like, oh, this is a big motherfucker. Good. That's really good.

Do we already have initiative rolled on that, or no? Yeah, well, you've done a couple of rounds with this guy, and your buddies are rounding the corner. When you notice Bodhi starts to

turn really pale. Oh no. And sweat starts to pour down his brow, and he starts squinting, but his face is otherwise very slack. He looks like he's trying to see a thousand yards away. So he's got like a kidney stone.

Yeah! He looks like he's trying to work out a little, what do you call it, a little tumbleweed for the weenus. Bodhi, you suddenly jerk awake. You realize you've been asleep in a fever dream

for a long time. And finally you wake up in a strange room. Oh, not voting. Tom. I'm sorry, Tom. I got your name mixed up. That's why I was confused. Oh, God. Tom, this is happening to Tom.

I was looking at Tom, but I forgot. I got your name. Yeah, I don't know why you're calling him Bodhi. He doesn't really look like a Bodhi. No, he doesn't, but that gravelly voice is almost Bodhi. Bodhi. Not as extreme. I know, and I kind of should know that your name is Tom, for pop culture reasons.

So, you wake up, and you're relieved not to be in battle anymore. And you're in a strange room you don't recognize, but you feel good. You're relieved you're not fighting. Oh, glad I'm not fighting. Where is he? He's not with fighting. Where is he? He's not with us. Where is he? You guys see him just turn pale and start sweating.

Tom, you wake up. Yeah, I'm wide awake now. And you see, you know, just a very inviting room. You're very relaxed. Oh, man, that place looks real nice. And in front of you... Yeah. And in front of you, you see Nettie.

What? You haven't seen Nettie in a long time. She's dead. But she's here again. But that's impossible. No, she's a little... She got killed years ago. She looks very healthy.

I saw her grave. And she's laughing. Oh, Nettie. She looks very healthy. I saw her grave. And she's laughing. Oh, Nettie. She says, Tom. Yeah? Tom, I'm so glad you're awake. You've been under the weather for a while. Are you all right?

Oh, baby, I miss you like nobody's business. Hey, I need you to do me a favor. Yeah. I did something a little bit silly at the market today. Whatever you want, baby. Oh, I just did something so silly at the market I tried to haggle with some goblins they followed me home

and this is really weird but I need you to take some goblins I think are going to break into the house and I know you can handle them I'll kill them nobody touches my family and she said thank you so much. You notice she's a little different than you remember?

She's kind of just a little taller than you remember. A little pinker than you remember. But you're convinced it's her. You know in your heart that it's her. And you look behind you

and sure enough, your door is off its hinges. It's your house. The room is sort of coming into focus and it's your old place you used to share with Nettie. Oh yeah. Back in the day.

There's a couple of goblins already in the doorway with a bunch more behind them. I'm going to kill those mothers. And yeah. Bodhi, I believe you're up. What's going on with him? He's sweaty and

his arms are at his sides. But he's holding on to his shorts. I don't know. What do you want to say to him? You got a second to shout something at him. Tom, look alive. He doesn't respond to you at all. Oh, baby, I love you so much, baby.

There's something going on with Tom. Yeah, he looks like he's looking right past us. Anyway, I'm going to get back to trying to keep my arm from falling. All right, let's do it. Make it so I don't care. Hey, the thing, the beholder thing that took a bite at me. Yes. Is there a way for me to...

It's covered. You said it was covered with like a sheet or a sheath or something yeah you lit it on fire so it's burned off for the most part it's kind of like in tattered tattered chunks on the floor mostly now but yeah Tom you want to

or Bodhi I'm sorry you want to take a Bodhi you want to take a swing at this guy What you wanna do Uh yeah Um I will say Your friends

Who were out of the corner Will be taking an action This round They rolled after you Cool Well I'm gonna Oh sorry

I'm gonna Greet someone Alright Roll to attack fella Alright. Roll to attack, fella. Oh, really? Doochy. Two minuses of E. Yeah, that'll not be enough.

He takes swing, he dodges. He's floating, so he can dodge pretty good What you want to do over there, Twee? Uh Hmm I'm still I'm kind of licking my wounds And heading back to find some shelter

Back by a door Cool, as you head to the door, you bump into Lekas, whose turn is coming up, and he says, hey, you all right, buddy? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, except for my arm, yeah, but I'm cool. I'm gonna, hey, you know what, I'm gonna try to go back. I have some Bactine in my knapsack, I'm gonna, I'm sorry, I'm gonna, all right.

He lays hands on you. I have some Bactine in my knapsack, I'm gonna go back. Ooh. All right, he lays hands on you. Back to you. I'm going to go back. Alright, he lays hands on you and you regain four points. They are hands on me. Oh, great. Those thrilling days of yesteryear.

You feel great. Hey, thanks, Lagos. He's got these gauntlets where his hands are exposed. And he's like, yeah, no problem. You realize and remember, if you didn't already, that he's a cleric. Not just like a typical warrior. Even though he looks very battle-punched, he's technically not just a puncher. All right, and here we go.

All right. It's time for your pals. Before Tom gets to explore his new world. These guys... Okay. Alright, so. There's ten of them, three elves, six humans, and a halfling. The halfling and three of the humans all swing at this thing and it just easily dodges but the elves land arrows in this guy sure and the other

half of the humans all get a hack in black box. Those guys are effective. And then... What else is in here? Anyone got a pyramid? Anyone got a pyramid? I don't have any, what do you call them, four sided. Did you just say pyramid? Yeah. Oh my god.

Awesome. We'll be right back with more of Al Lewis' funeral right after this. Cool, yeah. The arrows totally plunk right in its big eyeball. Yay. And it squeals enough for the other guys to chop. This guy's taking a beating. He looks like he can

last a lot more rounds. He's a big fuck-up of a monster. We'll get him. He's gnashing his teeth and spitting everywhere. That's what you say, Tom. But what you do is a little different. Roll to attack, please. Oh, yeah.

You got some goblins in front of you. I got a 10. A 10? Yeah. Ooh. That's an goblins in front of you. I got a 10. A 10? Yeah. Ooh. That's an F and F 10. All right. And let's see.

Let me borrow that pyramid again real quick. Yeah. Can't not call it a pyramid now. Hey, Brian. What? Why don't you, uh... John Wick 2, that thing was awesome, huh? Uh...

I haven't seen it yet. Is it good? Yeah, it's really good. No spoilers. I didn't see the first one, although I heard he was back. The killer's hand. Or at least he was thinking he was back.

He kills more people. Yeah, does it... I think it's three times as many people it's still about that first puppy still mad about the puppy now is this like is this a sequel

to a dog's purpose if only I'm still mad about the puppy I'm still mad about dog's purposes trailer which is the worst thing

my children have ever seen that was great explaining to my children that no as we're about to watch Lego Batman, not all dogs are reincarnated and you can keep repurchasing them. Also,

they really aren't allowed to play basketball. Air Bud will retweet you if you engage with them at all on Twitter, you guys. There's an official Air Bud account that is very active on Twitter. Verified. Twitter's a horrible place now.

Ugh, boy. More like shit or right. Hey! So Bodhi, Tom all of a sudden puts his short sword in the attack position in an invitation. I've never heard that before.

He takes a slash at you. Why don't you see if it connects? Why don't you? Come at me, you goblin. Why don't you try to... What is this saving throw? You see it coming. To who?

He's going to try to hit you. He's going to try to hit me? Yes. Why? He doesn't say. He's not responding. Do I see him trying to hit me? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's where you get it. You had your eye on him. You made a point. I'm a half loopy anyway. He's coming at you. Okay. I'm going to block it? Try.

Yeah. All right. Yeah. Yeah. So you parry him pretty easily. But he's focused on you. Steve. Parry him. him Perry Carabello him And then our friend

You know what That joke is tearing me apart Every day It's tearing me apart I mean what can I say I don't know Alright He uh Don't start believing You guys What can I say? Alright. He, uh...

Don't stop believing. You guys got super lucky. He completely focuses on your friends. He sees them as the real threat because they came in a big group. Because we're fighting each other. Well, and also they all jumped on him at once so they're like a bunch of posers,

really. I mean, they're kinda following your guys' lead, but they came as like a little army, so they kind of pounced on him, they're right in his face, and he manages to bite one of the elves and slap a couple of the humans with a tentacle for some damage, but he doesn't go after you at all. Okay. Phew. Bodhi, you are up again. Alright. Great sword. Do it!

Oh, that'll do just great. That's good. That's real good. I don't know how we're going to clear all this music. Nine. Damn, all right. I know boys, and I have a friend that knows heart. Yeah, do you have any modifiers at all?

Vic Busy's going to sue you. Great story. Is there a strength? Yeah, do you have any modifiers at all? Vic Busy's going to sue you. The great sword, right? Is there a strength? Modifier in that or no? Yes. I think so. What are you guys up to?

Listeners Talk amongst yourselves Alright so You know what Hey I fell down A flight of steps with some cakes the other day Asked me how it turned out How did it turn out?

Not funny. There's no way we could clear that. Brian, your greatsword hacks into its eyelid and its eyelid comes right off. Oh my god, its eyelid. It falls in front of you like a little bloody cake. And again, you realize it heals over alarmingly quickly. It doesn't grow back,

but the flesh where it was cut kind of, again, cauterizes sort of magically and turns a sort of thick... It's my savage attack. Quartz-like pink. You should fashion the eyelid into a loincloth. Yeah, you want to go on a reckless attack? I'll let you pull that off this round. I'm way...

Remind me what that gives me. I mean what that adds to it. Your reckless attack. I saw them open for great white. You can throw aside all concern for defense and fierce desperation. When you make your first attack on your turn you can decide to attack recklessly. We'll say you just did. Doing so gives you an advantage on melee weapon attack rolls using strength during this turn, but attack rolls against you have advantage until your next turn. Page 48 in the player's handbook. I guess definitely no you do

alright Blaine yes what would you like to do to this guy you got four points to heal back Lekas used four points to heal back.

Lekas used his turn to heal you. I'm going to whip off a little short bow action. I'm going to shoot this thing from a distance. Go for it. I'm kind of hiding in a doorway. I believe it. It's a 20, right? Jesus. Yeah, it is. It's a 20, right? Jesus.

Yeah, it is. It's a 20. Short bow damage is 1d6. 1d6. Double damage. Twice. Six twice is 12. Damn. You guys are getting your licks in yeah yeah six twice as twelve

damn you guys are getting your licks in on this fucker it's a good little arrow your arrow goes right into what would be it's underbelly and instead of lodging into it it shears off a nice little piece of flesh that it has to heal

over but it's definitely getting tired of being forced to heal over again and again's definitely getting tired of being forced to heal over again and again. Because it's getting whacked a bunch right in a row. It is very good. And then Lekas... Note to self.

Use more arrows. Lekas takes his hammer. He hammers all the morning. And plows right into this thing's eyeball for 5 damage. And you're up, Tom. Why don't you roll to attack? This one goblin's really giving you trouble. He, uh... Fifteen.

He's got a dinky little dagger, but he's, uh... He's able to parry your attack somehow. Oh, I wait to see if he tries, or do I roll for damage? I rolled a sixteen. Rolled a sixteen? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You notice Tom is

still coming after you. You just hacked off your right beholder's face and Tom is standing next to you like a doofus. You parry him and he just kind of like, he's like, why won't you just die

and like he doesn't recognize how big you are and he's taking another step to you him? yeah you can totally see it coming but it's like it's gonna give you a good little rip if you don't do something I'll parry it

go for it but then do I get one more than one move on it or yeah yeah yeah so you parry it again um but like he's not going away you realize like he's he's focused on you he's trying to take you out He's not good at it I kick him in the chest There you go Never underestimate the power of a good old fashioned kick in the chest Cool 24

Yeah it doesn't knock it back But you plant your foot right square in his chest And you realize It's kind of weird that this goblin Was able to plant Like a boot on your sternum. Yeah. And something feels a little rubber band-ery.

It's like a video game that's glitching all of a sudden. You're like, wait a minute. What? Why the fuck did this goblin just kind of try to shoo me away with his foot? This doesn't feel right. Nice try, Dilbarg. Why would a foot try front of a shoe mean? Oh, Jesus.

While we're waiting, we got a couple of shout-outs, even though we haven't officially told people we're on the air yet. Yeah, yeah. I'm already starting to get I'd like to thank DuPont for giving us a $12,000 grant people saw Brian's

Instagram photos well it's only been a couple of dollars so far it was David Holloway out of Nashville nerd poker fan

was at a comedy one of my stand up shows and then Nate Gropp was a fellow comic uh he uh featured for me in uh indie um hilarious uh dude and uh we went to the women's march together in indie nice really good dude that drove me around yeah that's awesome i love that you did that in Indy. Yeah, we fucked so many ladies. So many married.

That's why you go to the women's bar. We crushed so much married pussy. It's like a pussy parade at the women's bar. How weird is it that I'm now excited for my... You know what? Just look for the pig hats. Yeah, yeah. It's like that pig length mustache. You fucked them in the hat.

It's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's a uterus. It's a functioning uterus. Who fucked my hat? It's a pussy hat. Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian. Fuck my pussy hat. Brian, Brian, yeah. It's great, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's a uterus. It's a functioning uterus. Who fucked my hat? It's a pussy hat. Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian. Pussy hat.

Brian, Brian. Brian. What? You're cutting all this out, right? No. But, like, there's so many marches now. We don't need it. We were doing hilarious characters there, Blaine.

Oh. Everybody that listens knows that that was just a hilarious character we were doing. Yeah, and I just want to point out that when I said it's so cool earlier, I wasn't talking about fucking women in marches. I was trying to lead into a change of subject about the science march that I was looking forward to. Yeah, when is that one? I think March.

So I don't know when this will come up, but yeah. You know, look, put your... As somebody who marched a lot in 2003 for the Iraq War, let me tell you, it might seem dumb, but put your body out there and people will respect it and it will... It freaks out the powers that be more than you might think. It instantly turns into fake news. We did it for the first George Bush in 90 when I was living back in Sonoma in this tiny little town and we still

got out there and showed that we weren't happy. It's immensely satisfying. Yes, for sure. That we supported the troops, but we didn't support the war. Bring our troops home is a very good slogan. Yeah, we need some kids back then. But anyway, yeah. You feel good when you do that

Do it So good I don't fucking feel good Knocking the shit out of Fucking Tom here Whoa What He don't know what he's doing

Let me segue back to the game You realize You can totally put your focus on Tom Because these guys start swarming him. And even with... Are they swarming him? Those ten soldiers that just came in the room. Nineballed him.

Eleven if you count the dragonborn. I never count that. The halfling jumps on top of the beholder and just starts stabbing at it. He's got a... Not a dagger. What do you call it? It's a little bit longer it he's got he's got a uh not a dagger what do you call it's a little bit longer than a dagger it's like uh like it looks like a machete i forget what those things are called dagger plus it's a long guy he's just like hacked like he's on it and he's just stabbing it and and it's got like three tentacles just focused on the halfling trying to

swat him off but he's like scooting around, stabbing, scooting around, stabbing. Two of the humans fall down and cut themselves because they're fucking idiots. But the elves keep laying arrows into this thing, and the rest of the humans, there's like four more, are able to sort of get in a formation around him, cover him basically so he can't get away, and are all sort of sl in a formation around him, cover him, basically, so he can't get away, and are all sort of slashing at him.

So this next round, you could let them continue to take over if you want and focus on other things, like, say, your friend, who seems to have gone insane. Well, I'm going to get this all sorted out, yeah. Bodhi, you are up um uh how close am i in you just keep right he's like hovering next to you like a shitty wingman yeah because i'm sure i got up and tried to come after you yeah uh well i'll shake just try to grab my shoulders yeah just try to wake him up. I'll smack him.

I'll smack him in the face. Are you going to grab him first? Yeah, I'm going to grab him and then just slap his face in turn. All right. Try to wake him up. Tom, the goblin... He's clearly in a trance, so I'm going to... The goblin you have been attacking suddenly jumps up.

What the fuck? Grabs you by the throat. Spits in your face. Oh, what? Says, Nettie will be mine. No way. That ain't happening, baby. And he raises a hand to slap you.

No. What do you want to do? I want to kill. I want to kill him. I want to kill him I want to kill him hard how are you gonna do that with my sword I was stabbing with my sword go for it hey can this be the beholder doing this A six Oh he's asking Oh Do you think in this guy Does this creature that these idiots are fighting Does he have a

Is this like a magic spell kind of thing Coming off his shoulder do you think It's gotta be Would you roll there buddy A six Oh you swing and miss He's too close Something close off the bus.

You're trying to slash at something that's on top of you and you just underestimate how close it is and you can slash wildly at it. What is Tom's size and everything? He's a tiefling, so he's pretty big.

He's basically a demon. You tell us what your dimensions are. Why don't you let the listeners in a little bit more on how he looks. I've got to find that shit. How tall am I? Oh, I got it. Okay. Okay.

Tiefling. You look like one of those things in the first expansion of World of Warcraft, those blue things. Yeah, like a blue devil. One of those... I think I can be red too, though. Glowy eyeball devils. Yeah, taller than 6'4". I'm like a big...

I'm a big human. Yeah. So I'm like a big I'm a big human yeah so I'm like seven feet tall about the same you're both very tall alright well when's my next turn yeah go give him that slap

go for it oh is it still the slap oh no I already did the slap. I thought. Yeah, well, I wanted to give him a chance to react because, like, you guys are in a separate combat. I'm going to sleeper hold him. Go for it.

Because he just tried to attack me. Roll to attack, though, for it. It shouldn't be too difficult, but... Roll 20 and see how this sleeper hold goes. His reaction time seems way off. Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. 19! Na na na na na na na na na.

Get out everybody. All of a sudden the goblin pivots around you and has got you in a sleeper hold. Whoa. Um. Wow. I'm gonna try to. I know we're the same size but I I'm gonna try to lift about the speed You can do that. You can do that

Well, what's happening? What are you doing? All this happening blame? I'm looking at the arrow and I'm gonna fire another hour. We're gonna let the older nice into that beholder. Nice. I'm going to go ahead and just roll the army out of this. No botches this time. No botches! Blame Roller's out. Thank you.

I botched my pants. Hey, look at that. 20! Holy shit! We got 20s there. Yippee! Five times two is ten. It is. Lovely. All right.

You nailed this thing in the eye again. You fucking go at all. It's major eyeball starts gushing blood. You get right in a vulnerable spot. It had its lower lid wide open because it's being attacked from all angles. Fucking peg this guy. And everybody else, I'm going to roll their damage, but this guy

shouldn't take much longer to go down. He's getting hit from a lot of angles at once. Lekas swings and misses, but I'll take a re-up. Sure. We're drinking a little bit of Balvenie tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, this is brought to you by...

The makers of the Vainy Balls. Balvenie. Balvenie. I like to say Balvenie because it sounds like you're talking about something throbbing. Ugh. Right? Gross. I'm a fan of stuff that sounds good like mucus or Arby's

so the halfling notice is Lucas happy we'll never have to remember the old show all the Arby's we ate we talked about ordering a pizza at some point we're gonna do that right yeah? Sure. Are you hungry? I could go for some chow chow. We can talk about that between shows. Yeah, that's T-Flame. It's got kind of a Hellboy vibe. You look stupid.

Hey, shut up. Oh, shit. Did you guys see Guillermo del Toro announced today? There's not going to be a Hellboy 3. There is going to be a Hellboy 4. there is going to be a Hellboy 4. It's going to be called Hellboy Part 6. God, I love this scotch. So, this is the

Ramblin' Tricks of a Gizla. The halfling crawls towards the eye and just is stabbing at the eye now. And this thing actually falls to the ground while everyone starts hacking at it. It's pretty much toast. Whoa. Yeah, Tom,

you wake up again. You step out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you realize you are not waking up the first time. You're waking up now. Your armor is soaked in sweat all the stuff you have

you're wearing leather armor right it's all there's just a layer of clammy cold sweat up between you and all of your armor and you start shivering and you realize you're being choked out by Bodhi Bodhi's choked out by Bodhi.

Bodhi's enormous forearm is over your neck. Oh, buddy. Buddy, I'm okay. Let me go. Come on. It's all good. And yeah, this guy goes down. You guys just earned a nice little chunk of experience points

that we'll talk about between shows. It'll be fragmented a little bit by the fact that an army helped take it down. They didn't help that much. You guys take a couple of breaths and realize

there's a big monster in this room and there might be a lot of treasure and a lot of interesting stuff here. What do you want to do? You're reading what looks like an archival library. Let's investigate the room. Fossil treasures in the room. I'm going to bind my arm up.

Good call. This thing had giant teeth. Yeah, it fucked my arm up pretty hard neither one of us will he can heal himself right

yeah while you're binding yourself up you realize oh like this was not gonna stop bleeding if I didn't

bind it up yeah um but yeah luckily this thing got taken down fast enough

you're able to focus on it it'll be fine so you look around the room the first thing you realize is you didn't really think about how old these ruins were There probably hasn't been a drow in here in at least 50 years everything's got It's not too much dust because no one's been here dust mostly comes from you know

bodies inactivity leaving their uh what do you call it their uh uh detritus in the air this is this is just like sort of like cave pebbles everywhere on top of things and like a piece of loose ceiling have fallen on some shelves. But you're like, oh, I could probably also get some basic supplies here. Like, this used to be a thriving... Like an AFPM or something? Yeah, like, there's no food here. It's been too long, but there's... If I wanted to grab, say, something super functional,

it looks like this civilization left here in a hurry. Cool. Can we take a quick break? Yes. Do you need to do anything there? Yeah, why don't I pause it just because we didn't last night. It's orders.

It's been... Roll the bullshit. Suck my dick. Get your bullshit hanging. All right. So I'm going to give you guys you're in this wonderful archive of dark

dark elves of magic, dark elves of lore agricultural reports of fungi but it's mostly abandoned what you're realizing however is you should probably find what you're looking for. I still haven't found it. Because you made quite a ruckus.

The Beholder is still dying. But because it's... There could be another one. There could be another... Well, there probably isn't. I'll say you guys probably know enough about monsters that this particular creature is solitary and you kind of know that vaguely.

You've heard of these things and you're like there's not going to be more of it. But you did make a big ruckus. If there's other things in the caves they're probably going to move in on you. So I'm going to give you three turns each of you to make perception checks while you're here to look for let's say adjacent rooms secret hidden areas and lovely treasure before I'm going

to instigate a moving on of sorts so let's hear some dice hit some hard surfaces 14 let's let's hear some dice hit some hard surfaces 14 your deception check over 17. Iron. Oof. That's about half that. Roll a... 16. What's your whiz?

My wisdom is 14, but I have a plus 2. I don't even know what that plus 2 is for. Race, probably. Hmm? Race bonus, probably. Oh, yeah, yeah. You each got three. Tell me how many you make reception check.

Okay. Yes. Yes. You got two yeses? Yeah, and I also got under. I got three yeses. Three yeses, two yeses, what you got, BriBri? I didn't.

I'm sorry I called you BriBri. People at home, if you ever meet Brian, never call him BriBri. He likes BriBro. Yes. BriBro. BroBruh? Yeah. So the first one, no, and then the second two, yes.

Great. Okay. Okay. So let's start with, let me get back to my spreadsheet. Let's start with Bodhi. So Bodhi, you move your hands along a wall, and you find there's a boulder that has fallen from the ceiling and blocked off a dark corner but you really like what you see through a crack in the boulder. You're like, this used to be a hallway and there's warrior books

on either side of this boulder. You're like, this used to be a nook for warriors to research shit. And you're really curious what's on the other side of this big rock that fell from the ceiling. Okay.

You also think that the elves that lived here were probably a bunch of pussies, a bunch of fucking weaklings, and you might be able to move... Cucks. They're cucks. They like to watch... I would never use that word. They like to watch orcs fuck their wives while they hide in the corner. So... Are they snowflakes?

They were total snowflakes. What do you want to do? I try to move the rock. Go for it. We'll give you three attempts. Ooh, I like that. Roll once more and I want to see what you get. Well that would be 17. Yeah.

Exactly. Oh, beautiful. All right, you managed to break a part of the structure of the wall next to it, and you think you can squeeze through. You want to go for it? Yes. All right, your big, fat half-orc ass squeezes through this opening you've created. Why are you half-orc shaming it?

There is a bunch of shattered glass cases. You're like, ugh, I wish I had gotten here 50 years ago. There's probably some really cool shit here. Roll another perception check, would you please? Yes. Really? Okay. You see

there's like a... What are you showing people, Ken? A little party guitar. Why are you showing people pictures of a party guitar? I give my love to Terry that has smash, smash, smash. I don't know. I give my love to Terry. That head smash, smash, smash.

It's just weird when you roll the same thing twice. There's like, how do I put this? There's like a little alcove that looks almost like a prayer nook. And a big part of the ceiling had fallen from under it. You're in a very dark corner. You've broken off from the party this is almost pitch black but you're you're noticing there's would look like a little prayer corner there used to be a case there is a boulder in the way but there's like some there's something behind this piece of the ceiling that blocked off the nook type Can I pull on it? Go for it. That's a six plus your shank glass. No dice.

Pull again? We'll give you one more try. Damn it. You can't quite do it. Although, let's see. Let's just move on to the next person. We'll see how everyone else goes. Blaine, how many did you get?

17. Out of three? Oh, shit. How many did you get out of three? Two or three? I got three, but just barely. Okay, so you... find this weird gutter that runs from the center of the room,

and there's this big, dusty, wooden crate kind of crammed in a corner. You pry it open, and there's a bunch of old robes in it. A lot of them look shitty, but one of them looks pretty nice. Is it going to make me look like Mayim McCheese? I want to have a robe that makes me look

like Mayim McCheese. Roll a four-sided, won't you? I don't think you were a robber. You had a sash. Yeah. You had a pretty sweet sash. I'm sorry. I hope I got the pyramid.

Pyramid power. Just roll it down there. One. Interest. Oh. Let's just roll it down there. One! Interesting. Oh, oh. So... I just got a root canal. Roll a 100.

I want to find out where this lands on the loot table. 100 being 210 seconds, right? Yes, sir. 44. Quack, quack. Treasure. It is treasure. You... Holy shit!

Really? Alright, um... Earring of Harrison Fording. No, uh, this cape is red. And, uh, it's got a weird kind of barbecue smell to it. Some like a

Arkansas Superman in the case of bacon. It does smell a lot like bacon. Let's just say it's straight up, it's the cloak of bacon. Cloak of bacon. But you get a feeling that this thing is super, super magical.

And you look closely, and it's got a lining to it that's been sewn over the original lining. And when you kind of peel it back, you see a bunch of magical runes. You're like, oh, this thing could come in real handy. you see a bunch of magical runes. You're like, oh, this thing could come in real handy. But you're a little nervous about putting it on because it's not your specialty. I'm just going to be covered in yellow jackets. You're going to turn into Bobby Flay.

All right. Tom, how many perception did you make? Three. You, sir, are walking along the edge of the room feeling around, and you find a book that looks

super fake. It's clearly made of marble. It was carved to look like a book and all the books around it have decayed and got moldy and this is like a fake book. And you're like, holy shit. This is the easiest trick wall I've ever tried to open.

I'm going to pull that book. Go for it. Roll a 20, please. Ha ha! He Roll a 20, please. All right. Ha ha! He rolled a 20! So you realize you have to push it down, do a little twist. It's a little fancy, but again, the fact that you knew it was a trick book right away helped. The bookshelf opens up, and you see a whole pile of rotten armor.

Rotten leather armor. What do you want to do? I'm going to poke around, see if it looks like it's survived. Roll 20, please. 11. All right. So that's great. You find... You find some leather...

They've got drawings of elves on it. They're leather sort of bracers. Those are stupid. Yay! Just for kicks you try them on. Uh-huh. And, um...

Do-do-do-do. You realize, oh... I don't do a whole lot of long-range attacks, but I might want to try that

sometime soon. All right. I got a bow. And I'm going to go ahead and just throw... You got the bracers of archery

is basically what this sucker is. So you currently have no archery equipment, correct? I have a short bow. You do have a short bow? Great. If you need a cape that smells like bacon,

I have one of those. But if you want to go ahead and look at the magical item table on page 146 of your DM guide later, you might discover exactly what's going on there. So, you get a little bonus if you're Archery. We can explore that

more next time you're in a fight. Back to Brian. You hear Tweed go, Yippee! And then you hear Tom go, Yippee! And then you hear Tom go, Woopee! And you're like, alright, fuck this.

I'm not going down without trying this boulder one more time. Why don't you give it a shot. Alright, so you get enough give. This thing gives... 9-11.

Never happened. Never... I need to find the page. Hang on. Oh! Whoa. Should have used the red one the whole time. Alright, so... You see what looks like metal underneath the rock.

Metal. And you yank out something. There are two gauntlets that have horrible, ugly faces on them. Okay. Just absolutely disgusting faces. Nice. A couple of metal gloves. Do they fit?

They sure do. I thought you were going to quit. When you slime on... Have you got some big kick-ass metal gauntlets? I like that. You do. You do. These things are...

Absolutely fantastic. They are... Well, let's see. Did I tell you what yours is called, Blaine? What, my bacon cloak? What, your bacon cloak? Bacon. If you want to look it up...

I guess I'll just say what these are. Why not? Let's be transparent like the Obama administration. Right, ladies and gentlemen? It's the Cape of the Mountebank. This show got more political after everything's political now Brian Cape of the Mountebank if you want to look that up

later it's on here too on the internet it's delightful whoa is this good I'll say it's so magical that you'll want to look it up later

as opposed to having me describe it to you. Because it's going to require real... If you're not a warlock, you've got a real fun loot roll. You rolled in the warlock zone. So it's kind of what you

might say a blackie green would immediately know what to do with speaking of loot roll we'd like to thank one of our unofficial sponsors loot crate I'll say they're official they have it we haven't worked out exactly how their sponsor yet but they are definitely sponsoring they're our first official sponsor of my show them and Belveny and the tiny Diet Cokes that my wife buys. These are airplane diet Cokes. Coca-Cola's going to jump right out of this train.

Brian, you got gauntlets of ogre power. I don't know if you're familiar with those, but I'm super into it. We'll look that one up later, too. It's Banff. So, oh, I just taught Rhodes about Banff.

He loves it. She's great. I love that show where she's just doing stand-up. Lady Banff? Gauntlets of Ogre Power. And when you... Go ahead and give him a little slide on your old wristy pants.

And you feel much stronger. Okay. You... Just for kicks, you slap the boulder and a big chunk comes off and you're like, oh boy. He's reading the stats. Real good stuff.

You guys rolled good loot rolls. I'm very happy that you got the good shit because you hear in the center of the room it's blocked off by bookshelves but the army is done dispatching this guy but you're still hearing what sounds like

the clitter clatter of metal and you're realizing oh it's... These guys are done... You hear the clitter clatter of metal and you realize, oh it's... I've got to go to the bathroom and see something else. These guys are done... You hear the clitoris of a dragon. You hear the clitoris of a dragon, which is exoskeletal and large, large dry chunks of flesh.

I'm tired. It's really fucking hard to work one of those. You thought there was some white noise coming from the battle of the Beholder, the armor clacking against this monster, and after the fight is over, you're still hearing something. So in a little bit of a Mines of Moria moment, you're like, Oh, fuck. There's probably a lot of things coming towards us now.

Okay. So should we call it? We should call it. Thanks for listening guys Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker I don't know I'm having a lot of fun DMing you guys

Yeah man You guys have dove in right in Discovered some of my Early mysteries pretty fast I'm stoked. Thanks for letting me do this. And hey, thanks for listening to my new podcast, Blaine Synth Talk.

Dragon Clip. Hey, thanks for listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. You can follow us on Facebook and Twitter at Nerd Poker Podcast. Our new P.O. Box is. Our new P.O. Box is NerdPoker P.O. Box

16069 Encino, California 91416. Anything you want to send us comes right to me and I'll share it with the guys. We also have a Patreon account.

Patreon.com slash nerdpoker p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash nerdpoker. And there, if you join us there, you can get monthly bonus episodes for supporting us there. As you may have noticed,

we have some mic problems in these first couple episodes. I just had one mic in my dining room. As we got a producer involved, we figured we really need a second mic. So that gets resolved. But I still want to present you

the first eight episodes the way we recorded them. But just know sometimes we'll be off mic. One or two of us might be off mic. Thanks again for listening, guys. Couldn't do it without you.