Nerd Poker - Episode 4 - Frosty Precipice

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

Deep in the abandoned dwarven city of Brufvt, our heroes are forced into an icy confrontation. The party gets to know each other better through sourness, battlecries, and madness-inducing flame blades. And don't worry, we haven't forgotten to make Engineer Sam do his recap.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

My name's Brian Pussain. You're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season three, episode four. Hi, friends. Hi, Brian. They're all here. That's all of them. Sarah. Ken. Hi. They're all here. That's all of them. Sarah, Ken,

Dan, and Sam. Hi. Time at the end. Did you skip Chris? No, I got him. He was first. Missed it. Chris, Sarah, Ken, Dan. It was so clipped and weird. No, it was definitely clipped and weird. Dan, weird. No, it was definitely clipped and weird.

Palladino. I can't recommend enough that you guys take a trip on down to Palladino. Who's playing Skeletor's Dick this week? Playing at Skeletor's Dick this week, we've got The Closets, a door cover band that failed a perception check. The Closets. That one's by L. Ron Cubbard. Oh, I saw those guys open for the humid doors

oh guess what else is happening next week at Skeletor's Dick it's Terry None More Black a sexy synth pop spinal tap cover band that's from Dr. Woosh oh you know I saw them open for missing poisons also Corpse Stroker a tribute to cold play

that's from that's from payload thanks payload uh i was in it this weekend you guys oh yeah what happened you were there too i caught the six pistols it's uh six guys that are really into botany Six Pistols. It's six guys that are really into botany. Oh, Pistols. And I also caught The Palouse, which is a tribute to the police

by Mino Palouse, who was on Voyagers and Space Academy. Psycho comedy. It's The Palouse. Brian did his classic elbow take, everybody. Oh, my.

The Palouse. We have people to thank up top. Thank you, Spencer Stander, for our wonderful ice cave terrain that we have our figurines sit on. I bet something exciting is going to happen on that shit any second. Uh-oh. You guys are. That Buster Poindexter song.

Hoth, hoth, Hoth. He made some characters. He made little minis for us too. We're all getting our own, right? Yeah. Oh, we should throw that in. Any day now, you're actually going to get a figurine in the mails.

You're going to get a Hero Forge figurine that you customize it, look like a character proper. We'll figure out who's going to paint it later, but it's going to... We made them ourselves. Look real pretty. You to paint it later but it's going to we made them ourselves look real pretty you can paint it yourself we should be forced to

paint it ourselves and then we can judge that'd be fun although I do know enough people who paint these things that I could I could probably find somebody I've done it before yeah we did it would be really fun in our pre podcast yes they sell kits all over the place, I'm sure.

I know nothing about it. Patton still had his whole tackle box full from high school. Oh, that reminds me. I am in negotiations with Elderwood Academy to get me a figurine case for this giant sack of monsters that I

carted with me. I have this giant sack of monsters that I had carted with me. I have a backpack full of monsters and I largely have to thank Greg Tito over at Wizards of the Coast who was nice enough to hook me up with a bunch of figurines. I just want to give a shout out to Greg. In addition

to Greg, where's this other dude? Honk, honk. The Wizards of the Coast has been really cool. Right. And so there's this other... There's two other people

Wizards want to thank. Pelham Green, who I think actually pulled all the figurines for me and Satine Phoenix, who did all those nice social media posts about our new campaign today

and runs the Wizards social media. Very nice. Thank you, everybody. So thank you, Satine and Pelham and Greg for the actual Dice of Dragons people supporting this podcast, which is just really cool

as somebody who remembers playing this game in high school. It's really surreal and all that. It is. Thanks so much, you guys, for putting our photograph and logo on your lovely social medias. And you're beneath a mountain right now, everyone.

On the continent of Cloddenheim. Where did Dan go? I'm worried. Is that Dan? Where is Dan? Welcome to Dungeons and Dragons. I'm looking at him do it and it still doesn't seem right. It's like we're going with Rula Lensko. I'm doing the rest of the

recap like this. Deep beneath a mountain in an abandoned dwarven city in Cloddenheim are heroes. Cloddenheim. TikTok, Dr. Uid, Dog the Sturry, Halcine, and Coep travel in the dark amongst the frozen crystal-like halls of the dwarven city. Seemingly abandoned, but still heavy with foot traffic. They are going towards the city of Bozor, if they can make their way west to find civilization, humans. Answers? No one knows. But as they make their ways through a hall with obsidian crafts on the wall inlaid with gemstones,

they've come across a vein of magical ice that seems toxic upon melting. And at a certain point through traveling down this hall, they see thin crystal strands, very small in nature. very small in nature. Small breaks between them, but close enough together that they cannot be dodged like Mission Impossible lasers. They lie before you, stiff and ice-like, over the many footfalls in the path

as if they have grown over the path of the last adventurers to make their way through this hall. What will our heroes do? Only time will tell. Do you need some water? That was really impressive, actually. I like that voice. It was all right.

Could you do that for the whole? I broke my normal voice. I can only do this now. Oh, that's it? Please tell my wife and children not to be afraid. He's going to be at Flappers this weekend opening for Opeth. Opeth. What do you fuckers wanna do?

Well, one thing I was gonna do before we had moved on from the melted not water, not water situation, I have a cantrip that's shaped water so i just wanted to see if that works on is it close enough to water that i can direct my gear adult can i just try to make a cool you know absolutely you can try so um when you cast shape water what are you trying to do exactly because what it so with a five foot cube you can move it but um it uh do do do do do do you yeah you can unfreeze it but it's got to be a cube and it's got a perfectly magically

lined up with real ice as well as being this sort of magical ice you don't know until you cast but what are you trying to do once you cast like just melt it and oh i was gonna take no i was just gonna take the melted the part that we had melted that was water a little bit yeah i was just gonna try to see it does it react to the spell like water does like can i just make it like dance or whatever it is that shape water does this is a cantrip it's a cantrip uh it sure does okay i was just curious for for reference yeah perhaps it's cursed water. Cursed water. But you are able to melt it with shape water. Oh, shape water allows me to melt?

Yeah, I believe so. I'm just going to double check. Melt or meld? Let's see. Eat eggs. Melt with you or meld with you? I'll stop the world. That was the question. Which is it? Now we're going to get a letter.

Remember, these hits. Is it melt or meld? These are very boring. I don't think this is going to sue us. Stop the world and melt. Melt? Melt. Yeah, I mean, okay, so here's, it looks like you can move.

If it's just water, you can move it, but also you can change its shape. And if it is already water, you can freeze it. I'm going to say it works both ways. It only makes sense to me that you can unfreeze. Can I just unfreeze all these little ice tendrils so we can get through? It goes all the way up to the ceiling which is 30 feet high. It's not drinkable.

You know that. From his Arcana check. I can't pull it up on here and it's not in the player's handbook that I can see. Which one now? Shapewater. Shapewater. If you cast this spell multiple times, you can have no more than

two of its non-instantaneous effects active at a time. And you can dismiss such an effect as an action. I will say that you can just sort of go like swipe, swipe, and it will get 10 feet deep into these crystal strands okay now I don't know that the water is

if it might be toxic so I mean it is toxic so I don't know if it touching us I don't know can I control it once it lands on the yes okay so I can part it like the Red Sea and just we can walk through and it'll instantaneously go where you want it to go

bad ass I do it. You do? Just hear some wet like as the toxic water splashes to the side. It looks like it goes a fair bit ahead. I send my thanks to

Valkyr as we walk through. Excellent. This is very cool, Halcine. Thank you very much. All of a sudden, it looks like the hall is... There's so much ice, it's hard to see the stone. You make it through these crystals a little bit through the path that Halcine has magically carved,

and it looks like there's a drop-down. It looks like the floor that has been consistent for quite some time now is either gone or someone has broken a hole down in it and and there's sort of a precipice and the ceiling also made of ice carves downwards and it's almost like you're in a cave and not a city tunnel is it the only way this thing goes? The only visible way. Thank you, Sam, for the distant ka-chink camera noise

that filled the silencing. Should we search? Or should we just follow the path? Search for what? If there's another way to go. So ahead of you, there's a drop off that you haven't peered down yet, but it drops down and the ceiling kind of curves. So the chunks of ice make for like a downward slope

where it used to go just straight for a long time. It now kind of, it's almost as if something has made the tunnel go down. You can't see through the ice ahead. There is a possibility that this hall through the ice continues the stonework, but that the ice has redirected itself through a broken floor.

You could check. You could melt some more. Well, what's over the edge of this precipice? Are you going to look? Yeah. Carefully or what? Talk to me. No, I'm going to run on the ice right to the edge of this precipice? Are you going to look? Yeah. Carefully or what? Why don't you talk to me? No, I'm going to run on the ice right up to the edge.

What are you doing? I push her. Let's all kill each other. What are you doing, Halstein? What are you doing? I tiptoe stealthily up to the edge. Roll that stealth, please. Six. I'm not really stealth I guess more like

athletics right but it doesn't matter but you look over the edge and there's something moving there and as you down below peer over the edge you just see this shape kind of pivot and look in your direction oh it looks uh-huh it like you see this moving shape in the dark just kind of pivot and look in your direction. Oh, it looks. You see this moving shape in the dark

just kind of and stop and turn toward it. There's a clear pivot in your direction. Okay, I just slide backwards like Homer into the bushes. Excellent. Can you divert the diverted diversion

upwards and close the path in front of us with your magic ice molding? I think I can freeze it or unfreeze it. Right? Yeah. But a five foot cube of it. Not a lot at once. Got it.

Okay. But what if you froze it around its head? That's certainly an option if we find out what it is. What if it's an ice monster who loves when stuff gets frozen around its head? What if it's our friend that loves us? You guys hear a...

Something is coming closer to you. No, it's not Gaga. You don't think it's Gaga. I knock an arrow. I think it's a crystal spider. It's a food truck. It looked at me, so I must have gotten a sense of what it was or how big it was. Do a perception check to see how much you really got to look before you slid away like Homer.

You better not double roll unless it cocks. I really do need new dice, so that's going to happen. What was it? With my bonus, it was an eight. All you could really tell was that it had limbs and was about twice as tall as you. Oh, dear. And then the tunnel did flatten out a little bit. Is everyone ready?

Ready. You see what resembles a hand reach up and grab the precipice and then another hand reaches up and grabs the precipice. I pull back on the arrow. Lifting itself up you see

a large being made of pure ice looking at you. Everybody roll your initiative, please. I'm going to ask you to take your time telling me what you rolled and not just blurt it out as soon as you get it. So everyone look at your number, add your initiative modifier,

and then when I say the number range, you tell me what you got. Anybody have over a 20? Yes. What'd you got? 22. Excellent. Who's got 15 to 20?

Me. What you got? 18. Excellent. Who's got 10 to 15? Me. What you got? 11.

What's the rest of you got? Six. Six's the rest you got? Six. Six. Oh boy, oh boy. The number of the... Caw! Caw! Alright. Cuckoo.

So I'm just gonna rearrange. I've got a new little doohickey for turn order and a little and a little algorithm here in a spreadsheet so this should be super easy all right so time for me to bust out our first monster we're gonna go fight on some terrain you guys so fill the gap i'm now gonna have to do what might be a regular thing where I reach into my Sacco monsters. Awesome. Doesn't sound great. And while he's doing that, let's talk about some American history while I reach into my Sacco Vanzetti.

I'm going to need you guys to arrange your figurines on the terrain. We're going to say the precipice is that sort of rising cliff right there. No, no, it's flat. It's flat surface. No, farther, farther, farther. No, closer to Chris. Like right where that figurine is. Yeah, see how there's like a lip there?

Yeah. So. That's how wide it is? Yeah. You guys are all here. I'm going to need you to line yourselves up here without seeing the front. That's dark there. Thanks, Chris.

Where do you want to be? Here, here, back. Yeah, we're up near the front. This guy is coming at you. Ah! He's too big. How cool. Where do you want to be?

The Iceman coming. Where do you want to be? Oh, my God. Right there. Perfect. Hey, Ken, say that again, but wait till I get this thing wrapped around my fist. Alright, so

TikTok, you're up. Yeah, I'm going to TikTok. Shoot him with my arrow. Okay, TikTok, you're up. Can you please say that again? Yes, I am going to shoot him with my longbow all right go for it bro uh shit that's an 11 that's a miss okay i get one more attack and do the same thing shoot him with the longbow cool uh-huh oh that's a natural 20. That's a hit. Very nice. Coolio. All right.

So for damage, I do. Okay. So six piercing. Yeah, I'm just going to do that for right now. Okay. So you loose an arrow on this thing and you see it doesn't go as far in as you'd like. It just kind of goes into the ice elemental, and it sort of like hauls itself up a little bit.

Anything else you're going to do on your turn? That is good for now. All right. So this thing lifts itself up over the precipice uh can someone over there help me and just kind of it's gonna get right in hal seen's face and then um like that stomp past hal seen and make a beeline for you tick tock so just put it right there so i'm assuming that kind of deal wow and now it is going to attack uh oh it rolled super low uh so that's gonna be it tries to smash into you and it uh rolls a 10 like with, that's a miss. Yeah. And it's going to try one more time.

It gets two attacks per round. That time rolled a 16. That's a miss. I have a 17. So this time it just barely misses you. And that is its turn. That'll bring us to Darkthor. Huh.

Darkthor's looking at his drow magic here, trying to figure out... You guys, you're fighting a monster. Look it. Woo! I don't know. Somebody familiar with darkness, fairy fire,

and what else? Maybe I can help you out. Let's see. You're trying to do fairy fire on it, so. So, fairy fire, Brian. Each object in a 20-foot cube within range is outlined in a color of your choice, either blue, green, or violet. Violet.

The creature in that area is outlined in light if it fails a dexterity saving throw. So let's go over a couple of things on your character sheets, you guys. So you're each going to have a spell attack number that we're going to have to, monsters have to beat. So you're going to want to find that in your sheet. It'll usually be under spells. So I'm going to look up Dargther.

Dargther, when I look on your spells tab it says uh your save dc is 13 so when you cast fairy fire on him he has to make a dexterity saving throw that can beat a 13 to dodge it and where does that go on this sheet um let me hold your sheets for a second it's's really easy to find if we could somehow all have iPads or something. Like if you start bringing them? Well, if you have one, it makes it really... Can I have the rest of your sheets? I need the full... This is so awkward on audio to rifle through sheets.

But... All right. See where it says here? Right at the top of your spell page. To rifle through sheets. But. All right. See where it says here? Right at the top of your spell page. It says spell save DC. Okay. That's what other creatures have to beat when you cast on them.

Got it. So there you go. I have no numbers there. If he beats. If you cast fairy fire on him. He has to beat a dexterity saving throw. That's specific to to the spell there's a different kind of saving throw for different spells fairy fire is dexterity and so if he beats a 13 if you cast this i know we're still kind of just talking about it he will uh he'll he'll be able to basically like resist the spell if you make it um

resist the spell. If you make it, there will be a dim light that's sort of cast against him. And then any attack roll against the affected creature has advantage. So you get to roll twice to hit just to take the better number.

And they also can't hide via invisibility. That's what Faerie Fire does. The other thing I want to point out on everybody's sheets is your passive skills. You'll notice on the main page i want to point out on everybody's sheets is your passive skills you'll notice on the main page the sort of front page of your sheets on the bottom left i believe it'll say like your passive wisdom perception you can bust that out whenever i

spring on you that you're about to do a perception check so let's say ken i'm like like you're like i want to explore this dungeon, Dan. And I'm like, OK, do a perception check. You can say, oh, I have a passive perception of 13. And I would say, well, then you automatically know blank. And as I get to know your characters more, I can say stuff like, hey, so and so has the highest passive perception. So you notice this instantly. uh hey um so and so has the highest passive perception so you notice this instantly but every once in a while you guys might want to say hey with my character's innate perception

and that will make me want to go look up your character sheet oh and then i'll go look up your character sheet and i will just try it as much as i can fluidly look and be like oh it's 18 so yeah they're with a passive perception at 18 they would automatically no I won't even make you will skip the role basically and you can do a little bit of fluid role playing that way fun so what you gonna do dark sir now we've talked a bit about fairy fire and some random ass numbers on your paper times

and what is darkness exactly do Ken you might know a little bit about this because your character in the last campaign darkens an area yeah so it can make it hard to maneuver for the other. Like you couldn't throw it on him, right? Yeah, you could throw it to a space. Yeah, and a creature with dark vision can't see through it and non-magical light can't illuminate it.

It is just a thick blackness. Like blinding him. It's like a 50-foot square cube of darkness. So if I threw it on his face, it would essentially blind him? Yeah, he could move out of it. Also, he wouldn't see his face too well. Yeah. It would be temporary because he can move out

of it. What does he have to do to beat it, though? How long does it take him to move out of it? Well, it's not against him. It's a fixed space. He doesn't have to make any saving throw. He just has to try to maneuver through it or around it how long would that take though is it worth doing it's what you mean it's in it's uh lasts up to 10 minutes and

lasts as long as you can concentrate he can hit you really hard and break your concentration okay i have 15 foot radius i'm gonna try it okay so you uh you cast darkness on him and all of a sudden he's just enveloped in in black cool cool so we can't see him anymore darkness in prison there is just this black cube where he once was you were aiming for his head right yeah i mean you then you're trying to leave like his legs exposed or yeah and i'm making it so he can't see. I was hoping we could do something to make it harder for him to maneuver. You can call this shot. How much of him do you want exposed?

Upper chest to face. He is around other people, so when you get his upper torso and head, basically all of you guys, the right above your heads just is like a thick layer of black fog uh and he's enveloped and you just see his legs and arms dangling out of this thick black fog um and i get one one action yep you get one action right now cool uh does he get he can't rage bonus Cool. Does he get bonus movements? I know that. He does have bonus.

You can move, too. Yeah. You get 30 feet of movement. But I couldn't hack at him. I couldn't use your action. No, you used it to cast a spell. Got it. You done?

You going to run? That was super fun. Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm really trying to give you guys a bunch of shit to do. All right. Next up. let's see so who's back in that corner uh queep you feel uh something swoop out of this of the the fog and hit you oh it sure does hit you too you mean out of the darkness yes out of the darkness

something swoops down creep and uh that it gets a 23 is that a hit creep you don't need to roll anything i'm telling you Is your armor class higher than a 23? So I apologize again for my innate snarkiness. I know it's offensive. And you take seven points of slashing damage as you just feel a claw rake the back of your head and something swoops back up into the blackness. Wait, something came from out of the darkness that he just cast? I think it was his arm.

I don't know. He made it sound like it was another thing. What's everybody's passive perception? Oh, mine's... 14. 12. 13. Oh, pop quiz.

Is that how it's going to be, Mr. T? You can do a perception roll on your turn that could be higher, but if you have a passive perception that beats a number that I have written down, I can tell you what you saw. Bottom left. Now, mine says passive wisdom parentheses perception. Is that a perception-based skill? Is that what it's saying?

I have the digital version in front of me, so I need to sort of just see. I have the digital version in front of me, so I need to sort of just see. Your passive wisdom for perception and passive wisdom for insight are different, is what that means. Got it. So your perception is 13. 13 also. I'm 13 also. Anybody over a 15? No, just 14.

No, none of you see what happened. You just hear a queep squawk as this hits him. Ow! Are you all right, little cuckoo bird? Cockaboo! Dr. Uwud, you're up. How close am I to this thing? As close as your miniature illustrates.

All right, I'm going to... Which one is you? Let's double... All right, so it's just your left. I'm right over here. Can we get a wedge under this table for God's sakes? I'm getting coffee all over myself. An apple box for Dr. Ud.

I would like to. He's the one they call Dr. Ud. I would like to light up a little thing called my flame blade. It's a scimitar that appears in my hand. thing called my flame blade. It's a scimitar that appears in my hand. I'm going to take a swing at the ice

Achilles tendon that lies before me. Then as soon as I do that I'm going to hop back so I don't get hurt. Awesome. I'm going to really quick. You have a fiery blade appear in your hand. This thing on a hit does 3d6 fire damage.

Jesus. Which is lovely. And as long as you don't break concentration, it'll last up to 10 minutes and stay in your hand. Also, this is a bonus action to evoke it. So yes, you can hit with it. Roll to attack. All right.

This is a spell, right? Sure is. roll to attack. Alright, this is a spell, right? Sure is. God, my head! What are you doing? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm alright. Blaine Kepatch is role-playing. I see Dr. Uwud struggle to summon the flame bait in his hand. What the friggety? Roll a 20-sided dice, Dr. Uid, to see if you manage to summon the flame blade. 15. Success.

Roll to attack. Wow. Every time? Every time. Wolverine said about his claws. Yes that's a hit roll for damage it's 3d6 right mm-hmm five so your flame blade strikes and even though it doesn't seem like the hardest of strikes, you cut a giant dent in this thing,

and toxic ice splatters across your body, and you feel the natural forest elements growing where your hair should be recoil in the unnatural wetness. What? Yeah, that's some fucking extra adjectives for everybody Halcine you're up okay are there people it looks like there are

but there are people within 10 feet of him right okay I feel like we don't always pay attention to spell radiuses but yeah people get hurt if I do that one. So I'm going to do Sacred Flame. Okay.

Flame-like radiance descends on a creature that you see within range. The target must succeed a dexterity saving throw or take 1d8 radiant damage. It fails. within range the target must succeed at dexterity saving throw or take 1d8 radiant damage it fails so it's dexterity saving throw was a three i assume your spell save was much higher than that that's why i immediately said fails um yes uh he takes eight. Great. Yeah. And more of that toxic water splatters everywhere as you smash your flame into this thing's leg. I bet it hurts him more because he is ice and you used fire. Ladies and gentlemen, Battle Beasts, a toy from the 80s.

All right. I should automatically be checking in with you guys, I suppose, to see what you can do with your other stuff. A toy from the 80s. All right. Snort. I should automatically be checking in with you guys, I suppose, to see what you're going to do with your other stuff. But remember, if you want to run around and shit in addition to attack, there's that. What? I want to run around and shit.

No one wants to do that, Dan. Run around and stuff. Run around and stuff. You're camping to do that. I think I would just shit. I'm putting distance between me and Id and then also doing that, I guess. Sounds good. All right, Queep, you're up. When can I rage?

You're breaking away from it? Yeah, I'm pulling back. How far? You rage now? As far as I can get with that. Out of melee range? Yeah. It gets...

Attack of opportunity? I'm trying to think. No, because it's technically blinded. But I'm trying to think of something else that is secret to you guys. And it is not in this particular case. So yeah, because it can't really see. Normally, yeah, there's this thing Chris remembered

that I remembered also called attack of opportunity where if you are within melee range and you break away without using some sort of disengage action, something that is in melee range gets an automatic reaction to attack you. So if Darkthor

hadn't cast Darkness on this thing's head, it could have just smacked you while you ran away. You're welcome. Or tried to. Well, now I know that, I guess. And now that we've got many such things. We've never played that way before. And I'm bringing it up. We're never played that way before. I know. And I'm bringing it up.

We're like the X-Men, Dark Throat. That's good because one of my... Whoa, it's like you're just leaving him hanging, Dark Throat. One of my coolest things is the reaction. Brian hates high-fiving. Dark Throat likes it about the same as Brian does. Awesome. I learned way late in life to look at the elbow. Queep, you're up.

So my high fives were always just like I'd hit people's faces. Ladies and gentlemen, Queep is raging. A sign next to them. Queep is raging? A neighbor. He's a barbarian? Queep is a barbarian. Guys, we got a barbarian toucan over here.

Barbarian toucan. Look at his plumage. Fire nose. I could have given this to Dr. uid but um because he had a magical weapon it didn't immediately occur to me you are in a position to do another thing that we can uh do with minis which is flank you have a hero diagonally set so he can't make an easy escape he just charged right in the middle of you because tiktok fired the first shot and tick tock was in the back so behind him you get to roll to attack with advantage he succeeded on his attempt so i didn't really bother making him roll advantage but why don't you roll twice and see if a critical happens

or a success but then i'm gonna whack him and so you're you're you're swinging to attack you did you raged and then yes all right did right. Did you get pictures for Instagram? Plus. Plus, yeah. Roll your hit bonus. Where is that? I forgot. Plus something to hit with your weapon.

It's probably next to your weapon. Oh, here it is. Next to your weapon? You nerd? I'm looking. Is your weapon a BB gun? He has a great axe. Oh, no.

I'm sorry. I'm looking at the wrong thing. All right. It's not there. We should have put it there. For some reason, it's not your main attack here. I'll help you look it up. I have great axe.

Hang on. Oh, you do? I do. Hang on. Page. Great axe, five feet. It's plus. For me, it's plus five.

So it's got to be. It's but it's a plus five to hit. So that first one is a 24 hit. That's a hit. All right. Roll your damage, please. Yeah, it's just your strength plus your proficiency, whatever those are. Okay, cool.

Thank you. That's what they taught us in the Marines. It's your strength plus your proficiency. 12. Damn. So you guys see. Kick me out of the Marines. It's your strength plus your proficiency. Twelve. Damn. So you guys see. Before they kick me out of the marine.

Kweep just haul off and take even more ice than anyone's fire spells have managed to chip off this thing. And a big old wad of thigh goes flying across the cavern. I ordered two breasts. With a hearty. Are you committed to that? I ordered two breasts. With a hearty kookaloo koo. Are you committed to that? I love your weird ass character so much. And you're raging so you get another attack. Ah, excellent.

And you have advantage. You get to roll twice for this attack. 18 and with your bonus is a 22, right? So you'll take that first one. Roll the hit. Here, a little Dave Higgins in that. Famous Higgins Poison Gruber. Another mighty thwack at this thing's leg. Coca-Cola.

TikTok, you're up. That's very Dave. First, I marvel for a second. I'm like, he is glorious. That was something else. I will also swing with my great axe. I'm starting to like TikTok a little more. 22.

That sexual energy that Sam was talking about last episode. It's very different from a Jerry Duncan character. I never come around to a Jerry Duncan. Did that hit? 22? 22 hits, and this is with your bow? No, this is a great axe. Okay. Roll damage. I'm sorry.

Alright. 12. Great. So, another axe smashes into this thing. And then I go, Cuckoo-caroo! Did I do it right? Are they still in business?

We just lost ours. We're getting a Chick-fil-A instead. Yeah, what the hell? Oh man, I can't wait. It's right down that corner, down by the house. So this guy pivots and he's going to attack Queep now. Even though TikTok just hit him,

Queep just bashed the hell out of him. He's going to do one of these jobs for our friend Queep represented here by some sort of harpy figurine. We still have temporary figurines right now. These are pretty cool though. These are pretty spot on temporary figurines.

Better than no figurine. These are great. And that ice elemental sent by Greg Tito and Pelham over at Wizards of the Coast. They sent me a shitload of monsters. Wow, that's cool. Do I have a bonus action? I saw a shitload of monsters open for me. It's a little too late now, but

while we're doing this, I would look at your sheet and see what kind of bonus action stuff your barbarian might have. I believe you used it to rage. Got it. Everybody know that your bonus action is usually very class dependent. There's all sorts of stuff you can do with it though.

The ice elemental is going to, because he's in darkness, roll with disadvantage to try to smack, not everybody has a bonus action though, right? No, everyone does. It's just not everyone can do something fancy with it.

Oh, you just would do another standard action? No, you can't do a standard action. There's certain things you can only do in a bonus action. Like you can't attack with your bonus action unless it's a part of your class. Right, right, right. Like moving, basically. Yeah, and like certain classes can cast spells

on their bonus action. So. I think that's it. Oof. Yeah, he's... I know mine doesn't, so that's why I was... He takes one big icy swing at you, you just see this fist, I think oof yeah he's he he takes one big

icy swing at you Kweep and misses you just see this this fist raise out of the darkness and smash down on the ground next to you

oop and it happens again he just is punching the ground next to you Kweep in an attempt to squash you oh it's helping a lot

yeah absolutely that's a good one I like it uh Darg three you're up in an attempt to squash you. Dark Thief should have helped. Oh, it's helping a lot. Yeah, absolutely. That and sleep are pretty good. I like it. Dark Thief, you're up. What level is sleep? It's lower level. I can get it around. Fourth.

Well, you're a ranger. We probably said this. You're a Gloomstalker ranger, so you do get some really cool spells. Yeah, yeah. Gloomstalker ranger. It's a new race in one of the or new class in one of the do you talk to just for the record you can take a bonus action only

when a special ability spell or other feature of the game states that you can do something as bonus action you otherwise don't have a bonus action to take oh you i don't yeah that's right as far as i know i'm looking and we're sure that you have rage at third level, right, Queep? Yeah. Okay, great. Just double checking. Yeah, I wasn't trying to say for him. I was just saying to make sure that I'm using everything that I can.

I just do what the computer says, damn. I have a reaction bonus actions. Yeah, I'm just doing like a quick. Yeah, you get rage at first level. It looks like so huzzah Darkthor what you up to I'm gonna slash do it

look at what your weapon gives plus to hit probably down here so you're using your long sword it's plus 4 to hit or your dagger is plus 6 but does less damage okay So you're using your long sword. It's plus four to hit, or your dagger is plus six, but does less damage.

Okay. I'm going to avoid the piercing and go more for some slashing. Go for it. Use the long sword there. And you are flanking this guy, so you get to roll with advantage. You get to roll twice. Okay. Take the better number.

I like this flanking. 20. Oh, critical. You need not roll again for this attack. We need a music sting for that. Sam, hit it! We should find a... Sam, hit it!

I'll make you guys a promise. I've been talking to Dan. Once in your life you find her. You know. Someone who turns your world around and next thing you know. Casio still lives in this house and we have a new friend named Yamaha

which has way more noises. And the main reason Casio hasn't come back for the last year and a half is just room on the table. It's harder now. And we also have so many things plugged in. It's not like we necessarily hate Casio. It's just getting him out is very difficult. Some people do.

Some should buy a mall. Those people are wrong. Alright, so roll your damage and we're going to double that sweet baby. Double damage. Double damage. Now you should get some. It's right down there. Let's roll it.

Now you're messing with a posina bitch. Have I told that story? Now you're messing with a posina bitch. Bad story. The posina bitch one. No. One of the greatest mornings of my life i was on a plane uh very early in the morning like i am very often and uh i'm sitting in uh i get on the plane early because

i have a lot of miles and and uh so then i watch everybody else get on the plane but i'll get on you know within the first like 10 people usually and then everybody else get on the plane. But I'll get on within the first 10 people usually, and then everybody else gets on. Do you high-five everybody as they go? No, I'm just about doing my business. I hear that song. You're pooping? I hear that song, but just the instrumental part.

And I know instantly what it is. There's a dude, just like the greatest McConaughey character ever getting on this plane by himself with his headphones so loud that I can hear and everyone else can hear that we are now messing with a son of a bitch. And he's walking like he is the son of a bitch. He just walks past me. I'm fucking, I love this man so much. He's so white trash and so badass at the same time. It was amazing.

Now you're messing with a middle seat! And that's when you joined the Mile High Club. And then they had sex. Did you roll your damage yet, or was it all a prelude to it? I was waiting to roll an eight nice

your long sword I like dark into this thing's leg and a whole bunch of just like little crystals smack everywhere oh yeah that's right you get a bonus so yeah no two sorry yeah so yeah you just really That was an 8+. Oh, yeah, that's right. You get a bonus. So, yeah.

No, 2. Sorry. So, yeah. You just really crack into this. It's... And I'm looking at where the figurines are. Its left leg is looking real screwed up. That's the one Queep was just hacking at, and now he pivoted and got it hacked at again. Did you have a question? Let's get that leg off.

And now... If it loses the leg, it comes out of the darkness. Be wary! Queep, something flies out of the darkness again and tries to slash at your head, but this time you anticipate it a little bit. You duck your head to the side

and you just see this flash of just silver just kind of Hey, you should queep the leg. Queep the leg, Johnny. My note just wrote, no one said queep the leg, which is a waste. Professional

idiots. Yay. Dr. Ud, you're up. I'm going to keep swinging my flame blade at this thing. Eight. eight no so you just you swing at its leg and it just lifts its leg up to try to kick right as it happens can I

make an observation in the same round can you please do it in in the beautiful Dr. Eig voice? I'm trying! Does the water... Does the ice that makes up this creature look like it's the same ice that's

making up the weird ice? Yeah, absolutely. Just curious. No further questions. Because remember when... Was it when you hacked at it it burned you no i didn't burn him it just had the it was the same yeah his body his body reacted yeah yeah it's it's for sure the same stuff how scenes up um i'm not sure that this will work so maybe as a dm you can make a call on this because i don't think it should just automatically and you stepped out of range too uh did i step more than 30 feet away no okay um

i wanted to say like 10 feet away all right because i i do have a spell create or destroy water um that is like the shape water spell but it does a 30 foot cube um so I did some quick googling and it seems like this is going to be a little bit of your call whether it might just inflict damage on this I don't think you know but did you tell me Dan if I think that casting a destroy water spell on this

ice creature will do something do an arcana check or no this is natural do a nature check you're doing some... 17. Woo! You feel like it's got a good shot of doing something, that's for sure. All right, I'm going to try to do something to this thing by casting Destroy War.

It's going to do a saving throw. No. It rolled a 10 with a minus one oh so uh 12 no you fucking idiot it's a six was that chris or tiktok it was i pulled up a similar spell and i'm playing by this rule uh so roll uh 1d8 and add two, please. Four total. All right. So you do manage to just like create an area within its left leg

that's been getting messed up really bad. And it just sort of splashes into toxic water onto the ground. You do feel like, yeah, I mean, it would would have done damage but it was a little limited in its scope i do feel like i got some experience points though for thinking outside the box in life in life yes i've been thinking about all the stuff i'm tracking and i'm making it easier on myself we're gonna do a little thing called milestone leveling in this campaign where i'm not gonna track your experience points per se which i do love doing you guys know how much i love writing one less number for me to keep track of though if you just reach a story milestone and

i say something like you're all level four cool you should say it sarah doesn't like that idea yeah you don't like being you don't like not being rewarded for stuff? Well, who doesn't like to be rewarded for stuff? That's like a... It frees me up to do stuff like... I know, I understand that. Add treasure. Okay, I do love treasure. Okay.

Keep in mind, that is one of my goals, is to make sure there is creative homebrew treasure laying around. Ken, do you love treasure? I love treasure more than myself. And he hates himself. Queep, you're up. Oh, hi. I will attack again.

Do it. There's a light off this episode. 22? That's a hit. I like to roll once. I mean, you can roll again just because it's a hit. I like to roll once or... I mean, you can roll again just because it's with it. You're flanking him, yeah.

Let's see if you go higher. Yeah, okay. So roll for damage. Yeah, because ideally, yeah, you would roll a second time and it would be a 20 and you'd double your damage. Right, but I couldn't have rolled higher on mine.

Yeah. Right, because you critted, so there's no point. Eight. couldn't have rolled higher on mine yeah right because you critted so there's no point uh eight uh he's his he's looking real fucked up in the legs yeah you guys feel like something uh pretty massive is starting to happen down there um so you've been going shunk shunk shunk at his legs and he's just having a real rough time. Do I get another? You sure do.

Ten. Gross. He's just... The water that's starting to bleed off of him is starting to continue to gush forth from his insides. And you're not sure what's going on there, but it doesn't look healthy for whatever form he has. Tick tock.

There's water flowing through him like blood? Off of him like blood, yeah. Yikes, my goiks. I slashed him with my great axe. I wish you would. 15? That's a miss. Oh, man.

Fuck you, ice monster. You get to roll twice. You're slashing, right? So you get advantage because he's flanked. You've got him surrounded. Sweet. That was a 14, so no. All right.

Those are two misses for poor old TikTok. I know. The ice elemental... Do not judge me. All of a sudden bends down and levels its face right with you, Queep.

And you just hear a noise come from its face. If I'm casting, can I move with it? No. You cast it at that spot. It just took a couple rounds for it to figure it out. Unless it's a cantrip and you can cast it again lower. Right.

But it leans down and it just puts its face right in front of you. And yeah, you just hear this noise from its mouthless face going. And here it comes. Oh, Jesus. Cuckoo, cuckoo. Oh, Jesus. Cuckoo-la-goo! First attack is a 15.

What's your AC? 14. So that's a hit. Okay. You take 12 points of bludgeoning damage as a big icy fist just punches you right in the face. I have resistance to bludgeoning. Great. You can halve that to six.

You take six points of bludgeoning damage as you just sort of absorb some of the fists below, but it reaches back to punch you again. When I get bludgeoned, I like it. It halves my damage. 16. Don't you love? Get bludgeoned.

You found the secret to life. And it hits you for 11 points, which you can hal have down to five. So you take five more points as its other fist slams into your torso. You guys just see the whole thing bend over, get eye to eye with Queep

and just start laying its fist into it. I don't blame it. Darg, throw your rep. Oh, shit. Sorry. I was looking at... I thought any minute Sam was sam was gonna call it i feel like we're how are we how close are we we are don't get so wrapped up in notes that you let us record for like three minutes left awesome what you do dark you're close uh i'm gonna um kill it dog I'm going to... Kill it, dog thug. Yes, I'm going to slash at his leg again. Cool. I don't know why I did a John Oliver impression all of a sudden.

Is that a Mr. Freeze? That's a miss. I get two, right? Am I still flanking? Yes, so you do get to roll one more time. You still flanked. Okay, so that one... What's my bonus on this?

Look at the long sword and add your... to hit on the bottom of the page. No, but is it a strength check or is it a... It's specific to the weapon. It's strength plus proficiency. Yeah, yeah. So if you have a longsword proficiency, you add that to the strength modifier, but it's much easier to just look at what the computer has spit out at the bottom by your weapon. So it's, yeah.

What is it? Plus four. 15 plus four is a 19 that's a hit roll your damage oh wait that's not an eight uh where's my eight uh that was an eight you just no that's no that's a 10 you're right Where's my eight? That was an eight. You just know that's a ten. You're right.

Three. Hey, Brian, as you thrust your long sword into this thing, how would you like it to look? Let's say you're really, it doesn't seem like a lot of damage, but what kind of swing is this? Oh, well, there's some grace to it because I'm very thin.

Grace. And maybe I, so a backhand slash, I backhand slash at Grace. And maybe I sort of backhand slash. I backhand slash at it. Dog Thur reaches back his long sword and with a pirouette befitting the finest ballerina in Cloddenheim, brings it down upon the spine of the icy elemental and shatters it into a thousand pieces that skitter across the floor

and tinkle like a broken wind chime. We killed the whole thing, not just its leg. Oh, I was just trying to take its leg out. Nah, you got the whole thing, man. All right. Darkthroat doesn't look that happy about it.

After that happens descending from the darkness something grabs a hold of your face Queep and just starts clawing and you guys see what looks like a small dragon attached to Queep's face and you take

Gago? no it's not Gago you take 7 points of piercing damage. Resist. So you take three points of piercing damage to your face, and it is grappling your face. And we'll end it there. Oh, man.

It's going to be a long week. That was a lot of fun, dude. I know. Anything you want to plug uh check just check out the uh the oh you know what before we do plugs ladies and gentlemen we're gonna get a quick recap from sam the engineer sam what did you notice this episode oh here's how it went uh dan's opening voice sounds like will arnett everyone stopped saying meld and melt um dan said the water goes both ways and no one made a joke, which is odd. TikTok poked an elemental, I think.

I don't know what a precipice is. Okay, so the monsters also rolled dice too. Are we trying or not trying to get fairy fire? Can everyone do spells? If we're different types of people, why do we all know magic? But I think someone said passive placenta

sweep took seven points last damage to an armor on his armor even though he's a bird Brian's doctor feel good reference got me Blaine had a fire sword rolled an 18 and that's good and then he sprayed water on himself Sarah pulled back out of melee range that

high five took a long time sweep raged and did well, but Ken did it a good foot from the mic. Cuckoo-caloo is very funny. The darkness helped, and a monster punched the ground. Oh, we hacked at something, and no one said queep the leg,

which is a waste. Update, Brian said queep the leg. Sarah's water spell did not work. We're doing milestone leveling. Dan often says stuff, and then Sarah has a bad face. Someone said treasure, but then no one made a Niles treasure reference. Is that a Fraser joke?

And then we cut a monster open, and then we'll learn that voice is back. Nice. Thank you. Check out the filling of the lyric, Hyperion, if you're in Los Angeles, that's all I got. BrianPersane.com Book. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening