Nerd Poker - Episode 40 - Tide Clods

Episode Date: October 22, 2019

With a core shift imminent, the Ice Five make double time to Dame Island in the hopes of rescuing their beloved Time Boat. But unfortunately a natural disaster or two might stand between them and their next maritime expedition. Hopefully no new factions will decide to suddenly make enemies with our increasingly famous five!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 40. We did it. Of season three. My friends are here. This is a regular episode. Haven't seen all these faces around in a couple weeks. Up season three. My friends are here. This is a regular episode. Haven't seen all these faces around in a couple weeks. Chris.

Hi. Sarah. Hi. Ken. Happy 40th, my love. Thanks. Dan. Hello, my sweet man.

Blaine. Hi. Hi, buddy. And at the end of the table, as always, Sam. Hi, everyone. Hello, Sam. I'd like to thank some patreon folks who support us uh they go by uh names like blaine's successful pre-hobbit thank you thank you it's one of my finest works thank you giant monsters on the horizon thank you salt galloway did were you about to comment on the pre-hub, Blaine? No, I was about to figure out a way

to blow it in a funny way, and I'm like, yeah, maybe I should shut up. No, I really want you to do the video. We should all do that. Blaine, some people might have missed that episode. Could you just really quick remind everybody how that joke goes? Well, I was working on a show recently.

It's the prequel to Hee Haw. It's called Pre Haw. Thank you. Oh, by the way, I went to see The Joker. I thought it was going to be about that clown in the White House. Thank you, Salt Galloway. Thank you, Eric E. Thank you, Kevin Hitt.

Thanks. Thank you, Unholy City Zoo. Oh. Thank you, Kelly Bowbelly. Thanks, Kelly. Thanks, Kevin Hitt, by the way. Thanks, Kevin. Thank you, Jordy.

I hope there are tapes. Thank you, Petey. Thanks, Petey. And thank you, TikToks, Knickknack,, bric-a-brac, talk-rock, and clock-shack. Wow. That wins. I almost nailed it. TikToks, knick-knack, bric-a-brac, talk-rock, and clock-slash.

Oh, fuck. Do it slow once and then try it with confidence. The tongue and the... TikToks, knick-knack, bric-a-brac, talk-rock, and clock-shack. do it slow once and then try it with confidence tip of the tongue and the tiktoks knick knack bric-a-brac talk rock and the clock shack

no that's I'm gonna say an acting coach no do it the other way yeah don't do it weird tiktoks knick knack bric-a-brac talk rock

and clock shack yeah alright that's the three more for safety and then also from the P.O. box this week

we've got some candy in front of us. Oh, hell yeah. From some of our kind listeners that love hearing us crunch things in their ears. By the way, go ahead. Thanks for encouraging us. Mama needs her sweet heat, so

Jason W. Jason W. said, I heard you need this, and he sent eight bags of Skittle Sweet Heat. Yeah, there's 7.2 ounces in each bag. That's like 1,000 ounces. Really? It is. Is that a second?

Well, yeah, I get you. Is that a second gift note someone else sent us? It is like 1,000 ounces. Like 1,000 of them. Really? Did we get a second package? Is that what that is, Brian? What would that be in pounds?

And then we got another thing from Matt. Hey, Ice Five. I keep wanting to say Isis. It looks like it says Isis. I don't think you should say it. Isis, not Isis. Isis. Isis.

Italian. Heyis. Italian. Hey, Ice5, long-time listener and forever fan. Heard Darkther mention this in episode 35. Enjoy these wilst, wilst. Squashing more giant pecans, Matt. And he gave us some lemon heads. Oh. I think we might have been talking about evan dando's

90s yes all right but we probably also were talking about the candy is there a shame about that ray guy yeah uh i got twenty dollars they like lemon heads at new york comic con for mike declan uh thanks mike thank you mike declan thank you everybody we're gonna let it ride on the keynote tonight I've been using it for a couple of episodes oh my god you have a sack of pencils I don't know why

what's funny is it's a sack of pencils like I've given you over the last five years so it's like you can have them and there's like pins in there they're for everybody to use I did take a pencil out of there I feel like sack makes it sound really dignified So it's like, you're just hoarding them. And there's like pins in there. They're for everybody to use. It's for writing their hit points and stuff. I feel like sack makes it sound really dignified,

and that's actually like a filthy Ziploc bag. If I say it in more of a judgmental voice, maybe it would have sounded great. Brian's sack of pencils. Would you like a dirty pencil from my filthy sack? Anyway, before I knock shit over. Okay, there's definitely a picture on now. Who's Brian's filthy pencil sack?

I give you that one for free. A picture of that one being sung by Nenet Fabre. Brian's filthy pencil sack. I wanted to thank... From Kenner. Well, you can't, Dan. No, I can't. Go, do it.

Blaine has a joke for the next hour. I can't thank somebody. Anyway, you can't, Dan. No, I can't. Go, do it. Blaine has a joke for the next hour. I can't thank somebody. Anyway, good. Hit my tape. Hey, funny thing happened to me when I was growing up. You know, guys, small town Pennsylvania isn't all it's cracked up to be. Here, take a look at that clip. I wanted to thank...

Oh, it looked like we were going to see a clip. Shut the fuck up, Posey. Uh-oh, we're the big 4-0. No, this woman named Norben, she makes this thing called the Gilded Archive fucking leather bound book.

If you guys haven't seen it. On the inside, she took Sean Bryant's map of Clottenheim and laser carved it into the cover. So So thank you. It's gorgeous. It really is cool. Uh,

it's the gilded archive is her site. And she, uh, yeah, has an Instagram full of stuff that she has made and it's pretty badass. So thank you. And, uh,

Licky has come to join us at the table. Brian's going to do some ventriloquism with his dog. Yeah. This is the most chill I've seen Licky while being picked up. Uh, and it's on the air too. Hi, Licky. I blocked. It's adorable.

Man. I'll throw her aside. Just kidding. I'm not kidding about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam, can you turn up the heat on my laptop turn on the heat on my laptop are you doing the intro to the to the great white north there it sounded like now ken you are too fucking loud um that said you may make noises you have my permission please don't act so offended when you know you were too fucking loud. That said, you may make noises. You have my permission.

Please don't act so offended when you know you are too fucking loud. You did it. Last time. Shut the fuck up. Last time on Nerd Poker, the Ice Five traveled downriver towards Dame Island,

where they hoped to relocate and perhaps find Timeboat, their misbegotten boat they left sitting in a river for a week with a couple of people on it. You guys totally bailed on the music after I was talking for ten fucking seconds. You seemed angry about it.

I was. Just angry that Ken got me. Stop it, you son of a bitch. Anyway, yeah, you guys went downriver. There's something tracking you. You're not sure what it was going south down the river. Oh. Oh.

And also, it is morning. You just finished your watch, and today is the day of some kind of core shift. Now Blaine is opening a bag on a microphone, and I'm going to stab him. You know, I don't even care about my head is. I took my headphones off for four minutes because you guys were shouting at each other.

I know. Terrible parents. I'm bad. They're bad. I'm the only one who checks the at replies on Twitter. I'm going to read so many people complaining that I let this happen. Now Blaine.

It's okay. We just lost 10,000 listeners. What's the difference? We're 11 minutes in. Take a look at the tote board. Tiffany. You're all going to get hit by a volcano that will erupt beneath you at the end of that. Fuck you.

They just flipped the hourglass. No, I'm not really doing anything with it right now, but I will say it is morning. You guys know you're within earshot of Dame Island. Looks like it's just about a mile and a half, two miles to the south. Just to sort of bring us all ourselves back up to speed, what do we expect to find exactly at Dame Island? Are we thinking there's civilization there are you asking your pals as much as me or sure anybody who wants

to contribute yeah i mean from your dungeon master's point of view uh and my notes i will actually pull up my notes in case i have something pertinent to add here you did think maybe time boat was was was taken south it could it could only really go two directions north or south so it's either in the direction of dame island maybe farther south uh it's it could be north up where you came from i think that we i am remembering now it's not that dame island was a destination it's that we need to get away from the ocean because of the core shift right and then this happens to be there so we're trying to get away from the ocean and also find time boat okay i just yeah i didn't know if no yeah i knew what we were and she'll put it better than i will because she's actually tied to your motivation i i don't mind why you're going

in what direction i think that because i think before yeah that i if i'm i could be misremembering though it was like months ago that we made these and i'm not trying to guide you either someone it happened again um a very. A very nice person was tweeting at us saying, hey, you guys, you're not doing what the Dungeon Master's trying to get you to do. He's clearly trying to guide you this one direction. And I was like, I said, no, this is the Dungeon Master.

That's not how it works. I like to just remind everybody once in a while, because clearly he's been listening from the beginning, right? But even though I'm saying it. Sometimes he tries to guide us, though. We are discombobulated. Well, how? I mean but I'm, even though I'm saying it. Sometimes we try to guide us, though. We are discombobulated. I couldn't use that, though. I mean, sometimes I...

I don't know, it's assumed, yeah. I mean, I want you guys to know when someone powerful or like there's something like worthy of your attention, but when it

comes to like one thing versus another, I like when you go off the beaten path. I'll straight up ask, though, every once in a while and go, hey, what is our quest again?

What are we doing? I think, you know... What are we trying to do? I may as well recap. This is episode 40. This is about as far as I've ever gotten as your Dungeon Master

as far as number of episodes. So I may as well just get into it. Weren't we in the 60s for the last one? Oh, sorry. This is 40. I thought we were in the 60s

for the last one. No? Oh, no. We only got, I think, to 47. Oh, wow. So we're coming up on the longest Dan

has ever been your DM for a campaign um and so although did tomb of annihilation go even longer i don't remember that went pretty long that went along uh and so you guys um know that there's this thing called the tenebrous one there are rumors he is a wizard but there's sort of more you've cut past the really common rumors you've discovered it might be some sort of strange being from another plane of existence, not just a wizard. There are a few rumors about who the Tenebrous One could be.

You picked up a note saying it wasn't Orcus, a sort of famous demon from the Nine Hells. You do think that there's a possibility that Tenebrous One is the Violet Fang. You think there's a possibility that Tenebrous One is the Archmage of Anzervale, and you also think it could just be this whole other thing. But we have met the Archmage.

You have met the Archmage, although something weird did happen. The last time you talked to him on Rocky Talkie, he was kind of... He said he had been gone for a long time and had gone on a trip, and he alluded

to things being different. He's also, he is pissed at you guys. You intimidated him successfully, Sarah, over Rocky Taggy. As she does with everyone. No, I think I actually persuaded him. Okay. I will make a note that you did not mean to just freak him out, but

you rolled high. And yeah, he was cooperative, but he's still kind of a pissy guy and he's pissed that you didn't take him the artifact. Like you did say you would, you changed your mind. You said change plan. And he was like, Whoa.

So, um, you know, he's a little, it's a, it's a tense alliance with a very bad guy. And, um,

you know, he may be connected to the Tenebris one. He claims to be fighting the Tenebris one, but he seems straight up evil. It's hard to say, but he's one of the bigger bad guys you're aware of. You also know the giants are pretty evil. The giants are fighting the halflings in Donkey Land. A few other random tidbits, like the elves disappearing and such.

If you had to sum it up in one sentence, what is their quest? What would it be? Of the Ice Five? Yeah, the Ice Five. Ice Five's quest is to destroy the Tenebrous One and his plans and bring peace to Cloud and High. Nice.

And democracy. Yeah. Well, so far you've brought democracy to Bozor. Sounds like we got front row seats. Let me get some candy. Oh my God. Why are you walking the room on your own podcast? Now 12 minutes of chewing.

Ken? I got 100 grand. What do you get? I got a rock. All right, now I will. Something will automatically happen to you. All right, let's stealth it up will automatically happen to you. All right. Let's stealth it up to Dame Island.

Yeah. Sounds good. And we're looking for the ship, right? Hopefully. Yeah. Time boat. We miss it. You can fly.

I can turn into a bird. Yeah. We can fly. All right. Everybody roll your stealth, please. 13. 13. 11. 18 plus whatever the hell I get. 19. 13 11 19

so far 11 is the low roll what did you get Brian? 13 it's broad daylight but when you stick close to the riverbed this has been consistent almost like just a mile south of the the big whirlpool crater bay that you originally entered the river from but there's these sort of high shelves

looks like maybe the river um uh has has risen and fallen at some point and so there's these uh riverbanks that are high up kind of like a curve you know what i mean and um you kind of just like huddling underneath it as you head south um one thing occurs to me it when this thing happens if we happen to be near the river maybe we back off that as well in case as he said the river rises and falls everybody do a perception check 18 22 17 6 23 yeah doctor you're into me experience uh spelunking and being in the underdark and going underground uh you you you you you're thinking about tiktok talking about the core shift and everything and um you're actually approaching dame island you can start to see the outline dame island has some pretty tall buildings it's a pretty big island the river kind of expands outwards and uh it's like a little miniature city with uh two rivers going around it

um and uh as you approach yeah you just, under your feet, a little tremor and it stays consistent for like a minute and then another minute. Um, and it starts to pick up a little bit. You see the gravel on the riverbank kind of like shift side to side as the earth shakes back and forth. I have any idea where that would happen. Uh, the rest of you guys can't feel this yet, but he, he notices it days i feel a tremor i felt it for a couple minutes yeah we we thought it could be today he when he started the episode he said today was the day how did i miss that uh was i eating

maybe all right my apology look mama you do what you gotta do my apology surrounding wise is there like are there high cliffs near us like Like where's the most immediate dangers? If like, if there's an earthquake, let's say. Do an insight check. This is just racing through TikTok's mind. So I'm only letting you do it. That's a total of a four. You, you, you, uh, you're like, well, being under this little, you know, it's like, it's like a 15 foot high curve.

Yeah, we gotta get out of here. You think maybe not down there. That's about. Yeah. We got to get out of here. And you think maybe not down there. That's about all you can, we got to get out of here. But I had a, I don't have the perception to tell anybody that. Well, he told you,

he just said, there's a trigger. I'll figure it out. Just based on what people around you are saying, then we should be like running. Right. All right. Which way out up.

Okay. Away from the river. Yeah. Okay. Let's go. It's going to be like a flood channel. Let's go. Let's do it.

And I think if we see anything that gives us height, we should take that. Like, that's what you're supposed to do is get. Get up? Yeah. I want to get up on the highest part of the river. The highest ground. Okay, so everybody do an athletics check as you try to scramble up the riverbank. The Great Clottenheim Shakeout.

17. 19. 17. 19. 11. What's the check? Athletics. Roll it. 11. 23.

Gosh. All right. Well, the thing is, it's not so difficult that a low roll means you can't do it, but it takes you a while. And by the time all of you are able to help each other and get up the riverbed, you all feel the ground shaking, and it makes it take even longer. So after a solid 20 minutes of just everybody trying to get up and get your bearings, it's starting to shake pretty heavily.

But a couple of you slid down the side, and it was a little bit of a farce. You guys, we got to go so Mufasa doesn't die again. I hate when things shake in the canyon. The mountains are in the distance. There's no real hills. You do notice once you're up there that it looks like there are some gnomish refugees

in a wagon also moving away from the river, but they're in the distance. They look like they're going down a road into the forest. Away from Dame Island? Away from both Dame Island and the river. Can we see from up here before we flee, can we see Timeboat

by any chance down the river? Do a perception check. You can all do it if you all want to be on timeboat watch. 23. Nice. 21. 9. Beat that. Too hot.

Sorry. What are we rolling? Perception. Really? 15. You can't see me, Sam. I'm wearing my hat. 19.

Okay, yeah, you see there are boats, but you're still kind of too far away. I would recognize timeboat anywhere. What did you roll? 23. You see one boat that looks like it's probably timeboat, but the sail is folded in. You can't quite, but you're like,

if there's a boat in the north dock that is timeboat, I got my eyes on it, sure. Okay. Does someone who can fly maybe want to go see if it is? Yeah. You won't get drowned I said I was flying You're going to just fly

towards Daylight Island I'll send Gus with him Do you mind if Gus chaperones bring him along? Are we going to our death? Usually if I'm scouting I'm going to die I'm hoping that's not going to happen Well you're with me, I feel like I'm less likely to die if someone's going with me.

Just be happy I'm not carrying you. I got carried a couple of times when I was dead. I die a lot. That's sad. I'll remember every time. So, are we being sneaky when we fly to the island? We're going over a river. I don't know how to be sneaky except I fly real low.

I think there may be dragons in the air, so we might want to try to sneak it up. All right. Why don't you roll stealth, and yes, for Gus, roll a stealth, please. 18. Ooh. What'd you get, Fancy Cat? Seven.

All right. Meow. So you both five. Kweep, you? Seven. All right. Yeah. So you both five. Kweep, you're still a barbarian. Yeah. You've got bright plumage. You just feel like you can't quite get a consistent height above the river as you flap your wings.

So Gus is doing pretty good zigzagging. He even keeps his distance from you when you start getting extra loud. But as you approach approach you see that there's uh dock workers kind of like hustling to like get the boat secure on the dock because the river water is starting to go kind of high and up and down okay um you see timeboat it's indeed the boat that hal seen spotted so she was right timeboat is there however it does look like the cannons are no longer on deck oh um and uh yeah it's it's hard to place but you you're like okay something's going on with the boat just like a cursory glance you'd have to get over or something you have to like go

up to the boat to really get a better idea but something about it just seems like it was cleaned or something you're not sure what's going on, but it looks a little different. How far away are we? You guys are upstream. You're like, I don't know, quarter of a mile of a river between

sort of like where you are and the island. You can talk through Gus, though, right? Yep. Yes. Gus reports all this back to you. Drag that boat up here. Gus is talking about dying a lot. Pick it up. Pick up that boat and fly it up here.

You don't like when I talk about dying? I'm not saying that to you. I'm saying that to the group over here. It's on my list of things I always remember since I started to get free will. I'm just letting them know. Okay. Yeah. Where do you want to go, Halsey?

Didn't you want to run or something? Oh yeah. I think we're up high, right? I just was trying to figure out if we can get time boat, it's going to, I don't want it to get, you know,

washed away. Do you want me to like get close to time boat since, since queeps a little silly and noisy. Well, do we maybe wait? Is the earthquake over? No. Maybe we hold off on boat

rescue because what if we're... I think it's going to get washed down the river. But yeah, that's fine. But we don't want to be on it. No, not at all. I was thinking that Queep could try to pick it up with his bird arms. Amazing picking up skills. He's so good at picking things up. Why don't we want to be on the boat

in an earthquake? I mean, it feels better than being on land, right? No? How long have you lived in California? No, we want to get as far away from the... I know, I thought. We want to get as far away from the... The water's going to... If the

earthquake is just offshore, then the water's going to rise like 50 feet or something. It's going to come tunneling down that riverbanks. Could be fun. We could surf it. Bodie was here. Yeah, that would be great. Or Bodie McBodeface. That's okay. We like you too, Doug Thayer.

I don't know who Bodie is. We talk about him all the time. He appears to me in dreams. All right, well, why don't everybody do an insight check, and I'll tell you what your character thinks of what to do in an earthquake. Insight, you said? Yeah, I did.

21. Oh, shit. 17. Not bad. 10. Woof. That's dog for great, Chris. 16.

All right. Well, Dr. Uy, based on your general knowledge of nature, do you think it would be a particularly dangerous time to try to get across the river unless you were floated or teleported to Dame Island or the boat? There's enough distance where you're just like eh, natural order of things, this is scientifically

a bad idea. That we would be easy pickings? Easy pickings, but also like if you were even in a boat or like trying to get a like, you would get hit by a wave or something. Everybody's right with their discussion. The boat could get knocked into the dock or something. Stand some high ground until this thing is over and and hal seen um you think

about it for a while you're like if we're actually in a good place we're in like open ground uh and um gus might be screwed in a second but um maybe if they fly higher they'll be okay and uh you do as you're thinking about this, look upriver with that high roll, and you go like, oh. And you can see there is high river water over the riverbank, like flowing very quickly downstream. It's like a mile away, but it's going to hit in like 30 seconds. How far over the riverbank is it?

It's difficult to tell from a mile away, but you can clearly see there's a wave of river washing over the edges. Are we above the riverbank or are we on the riverbank? You're on the riverbank. Well, no, you're above. You're right. There's these curved...

Right. You're up here. But the water is flowing over the top of those curved things. Okay, guys, we got to get out of here. We got to book it. Let's run. Recall, the flying people are going to be great. They're very lucky.

All right, I'm going to get an athletics check from everybody. Just ground folks who are trying to find high ground far away. And I want you to roll for Gus and Queep to see if they can just get a handle on. Hey, you know what occurs to me, Dark Therese, if you can do your rope trick, that might be real important right about now. Oh, yeah, okay.

For athletics, that's a 19. I got a 15. 14. I got a natural 20 plus two. Oh, shit. Okay. You're doing flips and shit. Yeah, watch this rope trick.

Okay. Yeah, I'll cast rope trick. Okay, so how high up off the ground do you want to do rope trick? Top floor, penthouse, baby. As far as I can. Okay. I'm going to need to look up rope trick to see how far down the rope can extend

because you currently don't have somebody who can fly you up to it. It's got to be reachable. Oh, the rope can be 60 feet long. Okay. Let's do it. So can we use those rolls for climbing the rope? Absolutely. Okay. Let's do it. So, you're gonna... So, can we use those rolls

for climbing the rope? Absolutely. You've got very good rolls and I will allow it. So, Dark Thirtcast Rope Trick, you're going the full 60 way up there.

And I tell Gus, you'll be seeing my green-sleeved hand waving out of a window. I'll look for it. Tell Queep. Did you roll his athletics check? I did not.

Athletics for, yeah. Queep, what'd you get? That time I think Mavis farted. Yeah, that was a dog fart. Because I don't think it was Blaine. Well, guys, listen. I got really scared there for a second. All right, so you guys see Queep. Yeah.

Is the other dog here too? I don't. I don't. I have to go back. I'm trying to ignore it so I can keep living my life. I have to go back to Pearl Vision Center. So Queep and Gus, you see an inn that's like right on the edge of town. And you can kind of like drop on the roof.

Right on the top. Okay. So you get over there just in time. This thing, only you two can see this part, you and Gus, but the river just gushes down and totally floods and knocks trees over. If he's broadcasting, I'll share this with him. And then you guys just see down through the looky hole just water go, and you see a tree just water go, whoom.

And you see a tree just sort of like wash east. How high up does the water seem to be? If we're 60 feet up, how close is it to us? It looks like a solid 6 to 10 feet deep. So that's happening. Now take a picture of Mavis. She's very relaxed. I'll get her. I'll try to see through the's a cramp sting cloud.

Oh, yeah. It smells real bad in here, guys. She's still an angel. It smells like dog bowels. You're the stinkiest angel. A scratch and sniff podcast. It smells like a 100-pound dog fart. You would expect a 100-pound dog fart. Fart is a hundred pounds.

Was she like a judge at a chili competition earlier? Is that possible? It smells like she ate Sweet Heats. No, don't ruin Sweet Heats for the rest of us. Just when we got a lifetime supply. All right, you guys, what are you doing? Waiting for the water to go away. Okay.

You wait like five minutes and it does die down and what do we see from them are they're okay on the building they're standing on uh you peek out um as soon as you stick your arm out and wave you hear in your head gus go ha and uh the the the boats i mean uh queep you saw this already, but the boats did get smashed into the dock. The streets are flooded. But it's not terrible. The river did kind of go up and down a couple of times, but it doesn't seem like a permanent flood. It seems like a rush.

And by the time you look out again, you do see like a second round kind of hit. And it gets bad again for a second, but it's not as bad uh it's it's sort of ruined everything on the ground and there's a couple of first floor windows that have been smashed in from the water but uh there's just a mess everywhere there's people's belongings floating in the water it's very very chaotic right now what are you supposed to cause that the core shift. Folks. Oh. Yeah.

You weren't here for the last episode where we were prepping for it, I feel like. Got it. No, we're not. Halcyon, do an insight check, please. Uh-oh. Ten? Yeah, you wish you just had something come together right now, but it just didn't happen.

You felt two puzzle pieces just kind of drift through your head. That's it. Great. Great. So is the water now gone from the ground beneath us? Yeah. I mean, well, yes and no. Because the water is still kind of violently waving,

it looks like it could still be a threat. Queep, you don't feel like the house or the inn, I'm sorry, is shaking as much. So it feels like maybe the tremor has died down. Everything looks like it'll be wet for weeks. I mean, it looks like there's going to be serious cleanup in the town of Dame Island, and it looks like the ground beneath you will be soggy.

But let's hope we got our boat, right? Yeah, let's do it. Let's go find out how damaged the boat is. So you're going to lower yourselves down? We're down. Do we have to... Is anybody here smart with aftershocks or anything like that?

Like... Doctor? Is anyone proficient in nature? Do you think maybe I would have some sort of... with aftershocks or anything like that? Like doctor? Is anyone proficient in nature? Do you think maybe I would have some sort of... If you're proficient in nature, I'll let you roll. Can I turn into an animal that's really, really sensitive to earthquakes? If you can name the animal,

then yes, I will allow a special low DC on your nature check as you feel the ground. Well, you know, the last earthquake that was the 6-6, 10 minutes before it hit, there was a squirrel outside my office window that went absolutely bug-fuck-ape shit with a giant clown nose, screaming at the ground. And then I thought he was sick or hurt or dying or something

and then 10 minutes later huge earthquake so you went into a squirrel into a earthquake detecting squirrel and my tail is going to be like a big radar dish remind me are you nature proficient uh what if i told you eight because that would be wrong three. Okay. That's a weird way to put it. Yeah. Roll a nature check as a squirrel. Five. Wow. All this and more on the next long walk.

Rather than going bug fuck ape shit, you just kind of go bug kiss ape fart and it's just kind of and I find some acorns at least let me find some fuck yeah you do find an acorn with that good that nature oh and can I you guys all see dr. who had just run over and get an acorn rather

than tell you about the earthquake and I rolled a 17 to avoid getting hit by a Prius all right that's where your guys are at I rolled a 17 to avoid getting hit by a Prius. All right. That's where you guys are at. I guess not then. Do I wait on this roof, boss?

Yeah, I think we're probably coming over there. Hang on. Just hang tight. Steal this boat. Well, we should be. Are we thieves? No. Thieves of hearts.

It's our boat. Yeah. It looks like it belongs to someone else now. Well, we'll see about that. Okay. Yeah, so we descend and head over towards Dayland. Let's fight for our boat. How are you going to get to this island that is a quarter mile away across the river?

The river is a quarter. You're the fucking dungeon master. Queep, queep, queep, queep, queep. Queep. Hey, queep. Hey, boss, do you see a dinghy or something over there? Maybe you could do a perception check for Gus. Detect dinghy.

Natural 20. I saw that. Plus four. Cool. Gus does spot a dinghy. Unfortunately, it is tied to the side of a large boat. Well, tell that to your friend the bird Meister and see what he has to say well aren't there only the

only people to get over there just us three right tick-tock and dark there and well dr. oh no but he can turn into a bird or something and fly mm-hmm I also feel like in all the confusion I should be able to steal a boat and drag it, dingy and drag it over. Do it. I have a new spell. Oh, wait a minute. So do I. Oh, hey. That's a very cool spell that I have. Wait a minute. I can turn myself into a boat. Are you a go-bot?

Actually, you joke, but my actual spell is waterwalk. Oh, holy crud. So is mine. No kidding? Yes. Oh my god. That's the Jesus spell. so oh holy crud so is mine no kidding yes oh my god that's the Jesus spell um I was actually gonna ask you for the card unless you already gave it to me maybe you guys could carry us

like Jesus I'll give it to you on the break just so I'm not rifling around in the back for 10 minutes as I want what the deal is in terms of can I you know I'll look it up for you sure this spell this spell grants the ability to move across any liquid surface such as water, acid, mud, snow, quicksand, or lava.

If it were harmless solid ground, creatures crossing molten lava can still take damage from the heat. Up to 10 willing creatures you can see within range gain this ability for the duration. Oh, cool! Skate on over, guys. Level 6 is a bounty?

I don't know what I was gonna say there but okay so Halcine and Dr. Order we were like spell twinsies but I love a lot I would have taken

water breathing if I would have known you had water walk you do have an amulet of water breathing still let's still high five about it though yeah

it's like role playing high five where you don't actually touch them we can't reach each other it's too far also if we actually came in contact,

it would be awkward. Because I would miss. Nerd. Sarah hates the touch of hearts. Wait, who is it here that said they always miss? Oh, yeah. That's me. You said, right?

It's a thing in my act, because in real life, I hate it. I just don't think it's ever... Hey, Brian, think fast. No, I'm... You shook him to the core. Oh, he didn't like that. Core shift. I haven't seen Brian that angry in a while. No, I'm... You shook him to the core. I haven't seen Brian that angry in a while.

It's just the dog farted. Yeah. No, he was way more mad about the high five than the dog farted. He wasn't used to Beavis. I've always hated hugging, but high fiving is a more... I'm a very bad hugger, but I feel like I'm a better hugger.

I used to be a bad hugger. I'm getting better at hugging. I like hugging. I used to be anti-hugging. Yeah, yeah, yeah but I feel like I'm a better I used to be a bad hugger I'm getting better at hugging I like hugging I used to be anti hugging yeah yeah yeah I was more I'm having a less prickly 2019 yeah I like it now I'm older I like yeah you're you're thin and you know I'm not sharp my warm I give people of mice and men hugs. Rabbit hugs? I think of them as chiropractic. So, how are Darkthor and TikTok going to get

to Dame Island? Up to 10 people. Oh, I missed that part. Yeah. That's why we were so excited. Jesus squad, I missed it. So, I'm just going to run across the water in fast motion. Slow-mo, slow-mo. No, I want to slow-mo.

Yeah, yeah. Is this... Like that Cars video. I was thinking like Reservoir Dogs. Yeah, Reservoir Dogs. The alley walk. Oh, it's magic. Yeah.

Stephen Wright introduces the song as you guys play a slow-mo walk across the river. Are you trying to sneak, though? Stealth on water? You can. But why, right? Halcyon wants to be seen. I'll be honest, it's true.

She's trying to work her water walk swagger. Can I think two things? Dragons above and sharks below. Sharks? Freshwater sharks in the river coming for us? Giant sturgeons sea monsters we're in we're playing dungeons and dragons there's gonna be kraken i'll let you do a nature check anyone who wants to for if there are monsters in the merman there's gonna

be mermans i'm sure there'll be monsters i'm allowing a lot of checks this this episode i'm happy with this no you're fine 18 15 i think we should get there as soon as we can. Especially because we're about to steal our clothes. Based on what you know... They're going to see us coming and attack us too. Is 18 the high check? Anyone get above 20? What was the check?

Nature. I have no bonus. No. 17 was my high. Okay. Well, with 18, you do at least realize with the flooding that came from the ocean, a shark or a similar highly adaptive predator would possibly go downstream, even if it wasn't

naturally occurring in the river. I just feel like we could sit here and worry about everything. Yeah. But I feel like. Just run. Yeah. Okay. Let's just run.

Let's just run. We'll make you check that. But as you run, you do realize there are still pretty thick waves. So the water walking does slow you down quite a bit. You find you have to kind of run over the waves like they're moving sand dunes. Is it fun, though? It's a blast. I mean, if you were so focused on Timeboat,

you would kind of just stop and goof on the waves for a minute because it's a good weird sensation that you've never had before. So as you're crossing the river a couple of people do like look at what's going on because everybody's out on the street no one's hiding in their house at this point they're all trying to help clean up it's a very bustling town too this is the most populated sort of urban city that you guys as a group have been to so far it's got more uh people and more buildings than Bozor or Wexhall. Hellsing, perhaps you could bring the good word of

Bozor to Dame Island. Yeah, I think... Who knows? As I said, we leave democracy in our wake. Well, we've had two Revenge of the Nerds cleanup montages already, so perhaps three times the charm. As you guys approach the shore, a heavily armored

city guard walks up. He's in gold plate mail. Soaking wet. Is everyone okay? Yes, everyone is fine. Who are you? We're the Ice Five. We're here to help. The Ice Five? Don't believe what you've heard.

We're good guys. No, I appreciate what I've heard. You've done much guys. No, I appreciate what I've heard. You've done much for this city. Thank you. Oh, for Dame Island? Yes. Cool. Tell us.

It's thanks to you that we were able to overthrow the beholder who held sway over our city. Oh, who is that? It's this horrible being named Medrick. Oh, boy. Yes. And we helped you with that? Yes. We heard from the city of Boz boy. Yes. And we helped you with that? Yes. We heard from the city of Bozor. Cool.

That you were able to help them overthrow their beholder. And their cool mayor that no one thinks weird sex stuff about? Huh? Anyway, I was talking about this beholder before you tried to have sex with me. I don't know what just happened, but yes.

There is a beholder here as well. we actually have a couple of wizards in town and they studied these these creatures these beholders and we were able to thwart him by trapping him and destroying him so well we aim to please oh all right well welcome uh do you do you you need lodging? Do you require anything? Probably. And we'd also like to talk to the shore master or like the boat baron, whatever you got. Okay. Well, you're going to want to talk to a dwarf by the name of Bon Zargo.

Bon Zargo is the dwarf master. That is his name. It's in my Google Word doc my micro uh not my my google word doc everybody patten oswald oh man what if what if i what if i i made him let me pick his weird dwarf name um so yeah uh he directs you to the docks you're gonna head head over there? Yeah. Great. You head over there? Yeah. There are dwarves working the docks, and they tell you Bonzargo's actually trying to fix a boat right now. He's not easy to find, per se.

Like, he's not running around working. He's sort of trying to help get this trade ship that is on the dock in working order. And so they're just kind of going to wait here I guess can we see timeboat from here yes you can go right up to timeboat we do yeah okay so you head over there everybody roll a perception check please

19 20 no sorry 20 also oh shit oh yes I also got a 20 I got 10 I thought I had a plus 2 but I had a plus 3 at this point I'm going to roll for

Hoshinka as well because this is the kind of stuff that is very plot dependent um you walk over and yeah Dr. U And Halstein, once again, doing all the perceiving, you notice,

all right, there's just kind of weird how dumb Tik TOK is. You guys notice, sorry, I always tease Chris the most. And then he has the most sincere, like sad reaction to it. I really need to pick a different.

Well, I have feelings. So you, pick a different target. Well, I have feelings. So, you notice not TikTok, though. You notice there's a couple of people on the deck. Of the boat?

Mm-hmm. What do they look like? On timeboat? They're fish folk. What? Merman! You've seen fish folk a couple of times at this point. You saw one of them

talking to the dragons near Wexhall and you've seen one in the Thixit clan and they're like that. Well, they don't need a ship. They're fish folks.

They can live in the water so let's get them the fuck off our boat. Wow! Coming in hot! And with, just one more thing, with their 20 perception check, they also notice boat. Wow. Coming in hot. And with, I will just one more thing with their 20 perception check. They also notice

they appear to be leaning over the boat and like saying strange fish folk things to something in the water. Like a jellyfish that was tailing us in the river. Not sure. So are we just going to greet them? Yes. Ahoy hoy. Hi, get off our boat.

One of the fish folk walks over and just sort of stares at you. It's kind of like, I said, get off our boat. They may be keeping it safe for us. Do you speak common? Thanks for keeping our boat safe. Now get off.

Dan's just blinking a lot listening to this at one point one of them opens its mouth does anybody speak cod I'm not that very religious as you yell a couple of the dwarves stop and just sort of look at the fight that looks like it might be about to happen. Can you guys translate?

It's not a fight. I just want them to get off our boat. I asked the dwarf, can you guys translate for us? Sure. You need to talk to one of these. They're not great talkers. I can understand some basic things. Well, it's our boat.

No, it's not. Yeah, it is. No. It's the time boat Where the ice five That boat belongs to them No They have

They have registration papers For it Oh really Who the fuck are you Are they signed by Governor Liarschitz We've seen this boat before They've

They've docked it It's been years But they've docked it The Dame Island Docks before The hell Did we take a nap for a few days? It's been maybe 12 years.

But they had a record that matched our records. We got this. Two questions. One, is it possible we have the wrong boat? Two, is it possible that the guy sold us the boat that had previously been used? Insight checks for everybody. 17. 15. 19. insight checks from everybody 17 15

19 17 insight yep 16 only tiktok pieces together that uh

vux did say this boat belonged to a cult that put the blobfish figurehead on the front of it. A blobhead. It was literally a weird fish folk creature on the masthead of the boat.

And as you think this, those of you who got over $15 are also like, yeah, this is a time boat. So do we have paperwork? No. Not on you. Where would it be, though? Fuchs just gave you the boat.

He was like, I haven't used it in years. We did pay him for it. If this episode ends with us all crying and hugging the Timeboat goodbye, that's going to be upsetting. No, we're getting that boat back. No, I'm killing fish. Yeah, there's no way Brian's just going to...

Well, can you translate something enough to communicate? They may have owned this boat before, but we actually purchased it from the people who... See all this armor? See all this work? That's us. This is our boat. If you want to keep the fish friend up front, front you may that's when we don't want to do a persuasion check you can roll uh with advantage either sarah or tiktok whichever one of you two wants to lead this you should probably because my persuasion is not so halcine is going to try

the same both times um 16 not bad he's like all right i i follow what you're saying you're the you're the ice five i'll do what i can um he makes some gurgling noises but you can tell he's kind of blushing he doesn't really speak it fluently uh fish folks say something back and um he says well it'll cause some problems with the city. They're clearly willing to just leave the dock and not come back if it means they get to keep their boat. There are many of them, and they will fight you if you try to take it from them. Ask them where they found the boat.

He goes back and forth again and says, oh, you know, it got docked here. And then the people who were on the boat, they went into the city and didn't come back. They basically abandoned the boat, so they claimed it. Couldn't have been long, because a week ago, we were on this boat. Yes, it was two

days ago. Oh, okay, so that's cool. So just after two days, it's just anybody can take whatever they want? Well, we talked to the people who left the boat, and they did not want the boat. Well, that wasn't us. Right. We left people that were in charge of the boat.

But the people who came and said, this is our boat, had paperwork saying... Jesus Christ, I'm going to kill you, Dan, and then I'm going to kill all these people. Wow. So, yeah, he sort of shrugs. He he says uh well you can fight for it but i don't think the guards will like it much okay can you just tell them what tiktok said which is they i think you said at tiktok they can have their um masthead what's it called we did this last time yeah

uh they can have their blob yeah no we did this last time and it was like yeah but uh figurehead yeah no it's masthead is it no that's on a piece of paper wooden front person we did this last time anyway can you tell them they can have that it's figurehead yeah they can have that and we're gonna take the boat is one option or we're just gonna take the boat we're going to take the boat is one option. Or we're just going to take the boat. We're here to save the world. We need a boat. Our fucking boat.

Unless you have another free boat in the city that you could just give us. This guy's going to go core shift on you. Now, who are you trying to convince? Both the fish man who's staring at you? I feel like there's two. Let's talk first Let's just, let's talk first to the dwarf, right? And say...

The dwarf is a doc work. We were in Settlement saving the city from... Yeah, and he's like, I have no power. I could maybe introduce you to some...

Can you bring the Harbor Master guy here? Yeah. Immediately, because this is going to ask... I'll go get Bon Zargo. This is looking tough and he's going to run.

We'd like to talk to a manager. He runs off. Like 10 minutes go by. This fish dude just stares at you. And then at one point he starts gurgling and another fish dude leans over the side of the boat, gurgles something over the side of the boat, and walks over and joins in on two fish dudes

that are staring at you. I pull out some fish jerky and eat it. Wow. Do an intimidation check. 16. do an intimidation check 16 I seem to shiver a little bit when you do it 10 minutes go by Bonsargo comes over what seems to be the problem

you are trying to steal this boat back are you no it's our boat well I'm on your side. You're the ice five. But we never gave it to anybody. It was no one's to give away. There's a miscommunication.

But if we don't get it back, we're going to murder all of them because we need to do other shit with our fucking boat. Very well. I'll ask my friend here to communicate the message. Just so you know, you are tussling with the path of the vaunted tusk. This is going to be some bad news for you, I think. Yeah. Do you know who my mom is?

I don't give a fuck. I don't. Who is your mother? Well. Tell me about your mother. We'll talk about it. No, we're going to have a very intense conversation now. Who's your mother, young man?

I just want this episode to end with fighting. Who's your mother? Your name is Dog Thirstury of the Ice Five, yes? That's Queep. I'm done. What a sour boy. I think in town we're going to start

calling him a sour boy. Where are we at, Sam? It's catching on. We are at 54 minutes. Oh, all right. So you guys get the sense from Banzargo that he's willing to

sort of like put his hands up and let you deal with these guys. But he doesn't have much leverage over them. And he does refer to them as what sounds like a cult. I will walk over to where the fish guys were talking in the water. What's over there? What were they talking to in the water down there? Oh, you know, that's one of the Tusk folk. Okay, let's pretend I don't know what that means. What?

Well, they're kind of like a sentient whale with a large, very dangerous tusk in the front of their head. Is that like the jellyfish thing that I thought I saw on the river? Like a narwhal? Those are flumps, you know. There were two of them that were buddies with Archmage, and

you killed them. Got it. Unicorn of the sea. The thing that you saw in the water. Well, the thing that was most recently tracing you down the river was floating over, not in the river. This is before when we were floating. Those jellyfish things you haven't seen since you killed. Got it.

Alright. Well, you want to kill these guys, Dark Thief? Is that what you want? Can we, did they hear our ultimatum about they can have their figurehead or they can have nothing? Oh, they didn't seem too excited about that, no. Did they understand that it's not their boat? No, they certainly didn't understand that, my friend.

All right, so let's start smashing that figurehead off. That's usually the first thing that we do. So you're going to climb on board Timeboat and smash it? Yeah, just sawing it off. We board the boat. Just taking it off. All right. So as you do that, they back up.

And they look a little freaked out. There's only two of them. You outnumber them enough. And they're thin, reedy fish folk. So they're kind of staring at you. And there's a simple wooden plank leading on the timeboat that you're able to march up really fast. You get a chance guys.

Yeah. Throw them in the water. They'll scream and drown. We'll pay you a nominal fee for your trouble, but this is your last chance. I do a, I'll let you pick a intimidation or persuasion. Um,

um, persuasion, fire eyes, fish eyes. Okay. Definitelyuasion. Fire eyes. Fish eyes. Oh, fish eyes. Okay, definitely not that one. Oh, boy. 15.

And which one is it? Persuasion. Okay. So you point, make sure they understand it's the figurehead and that you're- And do like, we'll give, we will pay you something for the boat, a nominal fee, but we're taking the boat either way. So you, you did take care of it.

Thank you. But there's been a misunderstanding. They kind of like freeze, stare at you. And, um, how close to the edge of the boat are you? Close,

probably, but not close to where that narwhal tusk is. If that's what you're saying. Uh, tell me how close to the edge of the boat are you close probably but not close to where that narwhal tusk is if that's well uh tell me how close to the edge of the boat i mean 10 feet from the edge of the water probably okay so um you hear a of water and then a as if something is climbing up the side of the boat. Cool. And? I get my axe in my hand.

You see after a moment a strange porpoise-like face with six eyes, three on each side, glowing a strange golden color and a narwhal-like tusk sticking out of it, level its face at you. And that's where we'll pause. Yep. Oh boy. Anything you want to plug?

Oh, first. Hi everybody. Yeah. All right. This episode. All right. We are talking a lot about this pencil bag.

Dan seems extra spicy. The more we learn about it, the more I'm concerned that I am the tenebrous one. Gus has a very healthy acceptance of his own mortality. If somebody is robbed timeboat, I will kill myself. Is this core going to shift or what? Holy shit. If queet flies a bloat, excuse me, flies a boat, I'll explode. Ken's we Aim to Please,

So Please Aim was in every public bathroom in Wisconsin growing up. Oh good, there's fish folk. Oh good, they're indignant fish folk. Why is everyone we meet an asshole? I can't believe we're paying to get the boat back. That's fucked up. Don't worry, I don't think we are. Well, they'll pay.

Anything you want to plug? Yeah, I'm doing a bunch of stand-up coming up um when this drops i think it'll not be too late but i'll be up in seattle portland eugene and other places in uh the northwest so please check my social media just there well i got portland in november but i was just in seattle and eugene always fun uh i got some dates on BrianBassain.com. I'm doing True West with Stacey Keech at Borders at the Americana this weekend. Just going table to table.

Doing scenes from True West. Me and Stacey Keech. Don't miss it. All right. Isn't he dead? I hope not. I hope not. I hope Borders.

All right. Thanks hope borders. Alright. Thanks for listening. Bye. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us

anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California. Nine one four one six. Thanks for listening. I didn't mean to fondle your tires. I'm trying to get my cord. I know what I said. So the side conversation distracted me

or I would have told you while you're... While your hand was on the knob. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Quit saying gross things. Sibilance. Quit saying normal things in a gross way. I'm a sexual human being, Brian. Why can't you just accept it?

That's not me.