Nerd Poker - Episode 41 - Gotta Get Back In Time Boat

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

Brian Posehn hates this part of the story. Who are these fish idiots who won't get off Time Boat, and more importantly that was a rhetorical question and we don't even really want to know just get them off the boat. Hopefully the people of Dame Island won't react to this show of aggression from the Ice Five with a quest involving licenses and registrations.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Happy Force Friday.

I mean, it's not Friday, but we missed it because we don't have episodes on Fridays. Anyway, you are listening to Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. This is episode 42 of season three. 41. Thanks. 41. Crap. No, that was awesome.

No, you did good. You did good, buddy. Will you grab the door for me? A.K.A. Sponsored by Ceramist. Yeah. Dabbed. Sponsored by Red Storm Trooper.

Watch The Mandalorian. Dad's in it. Do you play The Mandalorian, Brian? I wish. Hey, everybody. Episode 41. That was Rhodes Posein. He's my son

Spoilers Deptism We've got Our friends here Chris Hello Sarah Hello

Ken Hell no Dan Hell yes Yay Blaine Hell somewhere in the middle And as always at the end of the table Sam Watch The Mandalorian Hell yes. Yay. Blaine. Hell somewhere in the middle.

And as always at the end of the table, Sam. Watch The Mandalorian. My dad's in it. Mandalorian's my daddy. Thank you to some supporters of ours on Patreon, like Toons7Ad. Thanks, Toons7Ad. Thanks, Toons. Thanks, Toons. Thanks, Tunes7Ad. Thanks, Tunes. Thanks, Tunes.

Thanks, ThirdYearStudentHarmacist. Thank you, ThirdYearStudentHarmacist. Harmacist. Pavement, I'm assuming? Yeah. Thanks, SarksKleptomaniacKanku. Thank you, SarksKleptomaniacKanku. Okay.

And thank you, Nicholas Chatelain. Thank you, Nicholas Chatelaine Thank you Nicholas Chatelaine It might be Nicolaus At any rate Thanks Nicolaus, Nicholas Thanks Ed Newsflash

Django Fett's Dancing bar Where you can kick red stormtroopers in the balls. Bar opens today. Nice. I'm glad you said it. Your reactions are the best. Made me snort.

Don't snort too hard. Snort. Anyway. Anyway, shall I tell everybody what happened? Last week? Episode 40? Yes. Yeah, I was going to do like a really dramatic windup.

About what happened last time on NerdPoker. You guys found Timeboat in the docks of Dame Island, only to discover it had been reclaimed by some cult called the Path of the Vaunted Tusk. Some fish folk argued with you via a dwarven translator, and you guys had had enough, so you went right up to the figurehead, and you were about to smash that thing off, or cut it off, depending on how nice the fish folk wanted to be about the whole thing.

They chose to not be too cool. So you saw a narwhal-like six-eyed creature lift itself over the side of the boat. And that is where we left things. So, guys. How big is the narwhal? How big is the narwhal? Is it tall? It's about as big as one of you.

Okay. Human-sized narwhal? Human-sized narwhal. Before anything begins, I want to make sure. guys how big is norwalk how big is norwalk is it tall as big as one of you okay human size norwalk human size before we before anything begins yes oh i forgot to give you your cards so yes okay but before anything is i did wanna i wanted to hey do we have stuff on board that we can go down and show them as ours i feel like they probably got rid of it i don't think they care i wanted to i wanted to pray to you i can let us do it i'll let you do a uh tiktoks bunk don't think they care. I wanted to pray to you. I can let us do it. I'll let you do it. TikTok's bunk. Don't touch.

You know? I don't want to lose what Sarah was about to say, but I want to let you guys do a check to see how much things have changed on deck and maybe gauge if there's something. Well, I referenced the armor and all that stuff. I'm assuming that's all still there. I guess what I'm saying is

it seemed like everybody, they believed us. Yeah, they don't care. It's just that they don't care. And what I was going to say is that I want to make sure that I pray to Valkyr because he is a sea god, sort of. So I feel like

before we engage with these sea people, maybe we can get some... Does he look like a sea cucumber? What? Valkyr. Yeah, do a religion check. He doesn't. That's why I said what? Am I doing one or is he doing one?

Is Billy doing one or am I doing one? No, Billy doesn't believe in God. He's a creep. I would love to do a religion check. Alright, both of you do a religion check for different reasons. Okay, because I only got a four. Oh, I got a six, nine.

Nice. What? High five. A nine. Okay. Yeah, Billy, you know, you reach out to your God, and you just, you know, because you're just an aspect of TikTok's personality,

you're just kind of at a loss, and instead of finding God, you look around, and you just see this guy wearing Birkenstocks walking around uh over on the dock the worst uh no it's it's it's terry who uh terry's walking by that's what you find instead of god hey guys terry it's another fight you've seen them fight a troll in a bar before now Now they're going to fight some fish folk, it looks like. I'd love to help. Give me one second. And he runs. You got a nine, you said, Sarah? That was me.

You got a low roll too, right? Yeah. Valkyr just doesn't seem to respond when you pick a fight sometimes. It's more like your vigilante justice is happening and it just doesn't quite pan out. Still trying to find your water walk card. Why doesn't everybody do a perception check to see if there's something before shit breaks bad

in just this last second before the narwhal-like creature does something? Natural 20. Okay. Plus five. 18. Okay. 11. 19. You guys have a hard time seeing anything, 18 11 19

You guys have a hard time seeing anything Although you notice TikTok Because there is nothing on deck That used to be yours There's probably a low likelihood that anything Other than maybe the food below deck They've cleared us out I got a 21 on that

Oh you did? I thought you said 19 My team's from college I was doing math us out. I got a 21 on that. Oh, you did? Yeah. I thought you said 19. No, I didn't. My genes from college. I was doing math. Math. It's tough. I can't find the cards there.

I don't need it. Okay. You could go below deck, but just based on the fact that you don't see any of the rope that you guys used to have on deck, the only thing that is left is the reinforced sail and the steel reinforced hull of the boat.

Other than that, it looks like your timeboat is no longer even scratched on the side of the boat. What the fuck? How dare they? The narwhal looks at you guys and he's creepy looking

I'm going to roll a dice to see which one of you he looks at oh he's going to look at tiktok hey tiktok I'm going to need you to do a charisma saving throw I've never done this before. You gonna send him some tick pics?

Natural 20, Dan. Nobody but TikTok hears this, but all of a sudden, you all see it open its mouth, and then a screeching noise pierces through your head. It doesn't hurt. You're able to kind of like shake it off. He tried

to mind scream me hmm and yeah it's just it's this blue porpoise looking thing with a six gold eyes and it mind screamed me yeah that mind screamed shoot him in the face with a fucking arrow roll an initiative as you get your arrow ready to go 13

20 59 I'm going to need you to say it all again because I am not ready for your numbers I am rolling dice for bad guys Hey Blaine, do you have anything in the hopper? Yeah Blaine.

Have you been to Palomino's lately or Paladino's? Palomino's. Oh, Palomino's. Palomino's, yeah. I went to Palomino's the other day. Oh, how was that? I saw the Saddlesores. I saw the Naysayers.

I saw Hey Arnold. And I saw Hoofarted I saw hoof farted they were all at Palomino's there were a lot of secretaries there on Bachelor of

Art it was kind of a Palomino thing it was nice alright who else I saw there no who

Frank Stallone who could be misconstrued as an Italian stallion you should have been an Italian stallion. You should have been there on stallion night. Thanks everybody.

That's plain kapatch. Comedy stylings. I'm ready for everybody's initiative when you're ready to say them. I fucking forgot. No I didn't. 20. 9. 15. 20. 9. 15. 13.

15. Alright, so, Darkthor, you are up first. Yep. And you knew it. What are you going to do? You see TikTok knock an arrow. Is it crossbow or longbow? I have a longbow.

And I pointed at him and said he tried to mind scream me. TikTok, knock an arrow. Is it crossbow or longbow? I have a longbow. Okay, cool. And I pointed at him and said he tried to mind scream me. I'm going to need, actually, before we even get into what Darkthor does, would you guys all put your minis on the boat where you are in proximity? Put them on the glass. Oh, there's some dust bunnies on this boat. Where is the... Also, by the way, when he mind screams you, both the fish... This boat lived in the garage for a couple months.

Both the fish boys jump in the water as soon as a mind scream happens. Are we all on the boat, though? Are we all on the boat, you said? Oh, so the only guy is the mind screamer? The fish guys jumped in the water? Uh-huh. Okay. You're all on the boat.

Oh, okay. So you all walked... Why am I taking my headphones off? Yeah. I do need to get up, though. We definitely need to wipe down. There's a cobweb. All right, everybody lean back. Lean away from the boat. I'm going to blow on it. No, no, no.

Don't do that. Just tell it off. Move this. Move this. Well, just don't worry about it. I don't even see it. Oh, it's weak. Just leave it for now. Nobody asked you to blow on it. I wasn't gonna see it. Oh, it's weak. Just leave it for now. Nobody asked you to blow on it. I wasn't gonna. I was.

You still should. God damn it. You should make everybody get closer to the mic. Halcine, you were right up at the figurehead. Masthead is the wrong word. Don't hot the player. You guys are on the back of the boat so the fish guy was right here and so if you're talking to him and going to mess i wouldn't think any of

you would go farther back than this and where's the um so i'm going to say now i'm just going to move you if you're not going to move you're going to get anywhere you want yeah you can go over there that's fine where's the guy we're fighting now here Here he comes. Here comes the guy. Walking down the street. Well, if TikTok is there, I'm going to say he can find us right from here. He actually looks like as you described him. Look at that guy. He is as advertised.

It's hard to get him to latch on. He's going to fall off in a minute. I'm just going to put him on the boat. He is leaning over the side. We're going to kill him for his stupidity. So he I'm just going to put him on the boat. He is leaning over the side. He's a stupid idiot. We're going to kill him for his stupidity. So he's really just hooked on the edge of the boat. He's an idiot.

Doctor, what are you going to do? Kill him. We've given him enough chances, right? I mean, and those other things. Yeah. All all right i'm just slashing then uh okay first yeah oh yeah that's right he did yeah uh so i uh i'll do two-handed uh dagger and long sword on him okay there's a new way to roll this i was rolling incorrectly what uh no you get two attacks with your long sword then you can uh for a bonus action attack with there's a new way to roll this that I was rolling incorrectly. What? Uh, no,

you get two attacks with your long sword and then you can, uh, for a bonus action attack with your offhand weapon. Oh, okay. So, so, okay. So that's what I'll do.

But you have been using it like with both hands. I was doing it wrong, but now the way to do it is to do, I think you could do either, but now, but, but to get more attacks in, you can have a dual wield situation. You were choosing. It it's not the wrong way but you're choosing to do it

to your own sword you're playing it more like Bodhi and I can play more like a ranger and have that is advantage or no mmm no he's not quite flanked. Okay. Just one. 16 on the longsword, and then 22 on the longsword. Those are both hits. Roll your damage before you roll your next attack like that, silly pants. All right. I didn't think the 16 stuck, actually. It did. I'm glad it did.

All right. And I've moved all my dice around, so now I know where everything is, everybody. Yay! Still can't find a fucking eight-sided. How did that happen? I've got one here if you need it. I did get... Yeah, there it is.

And of course it falls off the... Are you kidding me? Brian, why did you Why did you have all that buttered toast Before you had to roll these dice? Because buttered toast is delicious Yeah, I know Oh my god, I love buttered toast

Butterface toast What? Yeah, I was literally like, love everything butter toast. That's when she looks really hot from behind, but she turns around and her toast. Terrible toast.

Seven on the first one. What? All right. And same. I'm kidding. I totally tapped that toast. Tapped the shit out of that toast.

And then I get a third, right? Yep, with your dagger. This is a different weapon. Yeah. 20. All right, that's three hits. You're just burying your blades into this thing. Five.

Okay. So you guys all see Darkthor just run over to this weird blue whale creature on the side of the boat, and he just starts hacking at its head, and it's like trying to deflect it with its tusk, but it's not going great. I say get off the boat now after i hit him three times tick tock you're up oh i'm sorry you know what uh what's your dexterity you both got 15s yeah my dexterity i'm gonna give you uh 0.1 to whoever has a higher dex my dexterity is 15 18 okay so i'm gonna give

uh tick tock you're actually gonna go first great uh i will uh Am I too close to use the bow? I mean, you feel like it's not too far. No, you could do it. Alright, I will shoot him with my arrow. Go for it. Alright, so...

11? Sorry, it's 13. My mistake. That is still a miss. Same thing. One more. Okay. That's about a 25. That's a hit.

I will do 10 piercing. Damn. This guy's getting just smashed to hell. It's been a rough round for this guy. He's still clinging's getting just smashed to hell. It's been a rough round for this guy. He's still clinging to the side of the boat. So I'm going to...

He rolled high enough where he's going to stay. He's not falling off. But he's still... His front flippers are hooked over the side of the boat. Queep? I will chop him. Go for it. Can you please put his mini back on the board so we can see how Queep is chopping can you please move Queep's mini

Ken I love your face Blaine is he really weird looking careful with his horn that is custom glue down there oh it is that's a natural 20 that's a crit baby

I'm just trying to imagine what it would look like in real life and how freaked out i would be oh yeah how unnatural it is the six gold eyes 14 for my first remind me at the end of the episode i have a fun story about that monster i guess i just 14 28 28 all right you guys you guys see wow uh queep just lean back and drive his axe hard into this thing and it shrieks in pain. This time you do all hear it. And I'm going to do it again.

Are you... Yeah? Okay. Stop it! That was an 11. I get so annoyed. It was Brian this time doing it on Blaine's mic. I wish there was a way to voice my displeasure that didn't turn me into a fucking cartoon nag.

Guys, I think we're going to have to get a posse together to try to stop these rustlers. Yes. All right. You guys all here on the side of the boat over here where Gus is perched. Right near the water. Another...

This guy leans over the side of the boat. Oh, God! He is going to take a swing at Tick Tock. He shouldn't do that. Sorry, Gus.

Gus is technically flying. He's also not perched. Otherwise, he would have definitely just tried to chop his head off. So that'll be... Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? We set the boat on fire with these guys on it? Mm-hmm.

I mean, our shit's gone. Fuck it. Right? Can I say some more dirty words? To talk 18. We need to vote, though. My AC is 19. Oh, okay.

So he makes one attempt to grab you with his big pincher, and you manage to duck to the side. He's going to do it with his other pincher. Hey, hey, watch the Velveteen. Oh, only an 11. So he goes, and you just manage to go, Hey, hey, watch the Velveteen. Oh, only in 11.

So he goes, and you just managed to go. You'll get yours in a second, fucko. Fucko. This guy. I think they know each other from school. Turns to queep. Bring it. Uh-oh.

All right. He flops up on board and props himself up with what appears to be very strong tail muscles and gets in a pose like that. He drives his tusk at you. That is a 25

to hit. Sounds like a hit so here comes Queep what do you say you guys see the tusk of this thing just slink in the cracks of

Queep's armor first of all you take this thing, just slink in the cracks of Queep's armor. First of all, you take Why are you counting so many dice, Dan? Eight points of piercing damage. Please make note of eight points of piercing damage. And as it breaks your skin,

you feel a shrieking in your mind. Oh, God. A mind shriek? And you take an additional 10 points of psychic damage. Gosh. He rears his head back to stab you again. Oh, boy.

I took points of damage like that when I saw the joker. 14's a miss, correct? Yes. Okay. That time not as lucky. Then we have Dr. Uwud. Hey, this thing that just came up behind us over here, I'm going to hit it with a moonbeam.

Sweet. Remind us how moonbeam goes, please. I always have you remind us because it's kind of a funky spell. It's a wonderful night for a moonbeam. That was beautiful. Thank you. You're welcome. It's a little mini Van Morrison for you.

I believe it's a dexterity or a constitution saving throw. The silvery beam of pale light shines down at a five foot radius and Jack Nicholson does a little dance in it. Forty foot high cylinder, set it on a point within range. Dim light fills the cylinder. Creature enters the spell's area

for the first time on a turn. Starts his turn there. It's engulfed in ghostly flames and caused searing pain. Must make a constitution saving throw. He rolled a nine on his constitution saving throw. I believe that's a fail. Okay, it takes 2d10 radiant damage. Roll that damage. Come on, Papa needs a new

pair of damage. 17. Alright. Joker, Joker. And it stays on there. Right. You guys hear more splashing noises. god we could

have just taken a different boat you see is strange first of all a time don't a beefier looking fish dude another one comes up here not as scrawny as the other two who look like they were just sort of like this guy's jacked basic guys and then this guy jumps up you've seen these before you thought they were nice guys um he uh is not wet so you think maybe he was just clinging to the side of the boat um he comes up it's one of those spider folk guys oh yeah he's holding a bunch of daggers a matryoshka or something a marifka marifka hey haven't we always had a translation yeah i have i have sure have why do we keep forgetting to use that because that's the

first time we've seen one of those guys but that's just but it's the trans doesn't it translate anybody or only just to their language it oh you do an insight check hal seen this isn't your turn but i'm going to make a special case for this. 17. I'll tell you at the beginning of your turn because you couldn't communicate it right now. They're going to attack Queep because he is right there.

First of all, the fish guy. When is it my turn? Right after these two. This story is fucking driving me crazy. What do you want to know? These assholes. Fucking fairness. Oh, God, I just want to fucking... It's our boat.

I want to fucking murder everybody. I'm just fucking furious. Jesus Christ. This is like my least favorite story ever. These fucking pricks. Yeah, get the fuck off our boat. He says, not quite into the translation box yet. So,

um, first of all, he grabs you and driving me insane. Um, he rolls a 16. I'll roll a strength check for me, please. Ooh.

So he tries to grab you. You're going to be higher than his 16. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, he tries to grab you. You're going to be higher than his 16. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He tries to grab you and you shake him off. Then he bites at you. Damn it. He misses. It's a 13.

Then his buddy is going to come at you. What's he going to do? He's going to kill you. I mean, it's like not a nice guy but he's got a whole bunch of arms so this is looking a little yucky first one's a 21

do you think he joined the army 9 points of piercing damage second one is very low and he misses third one is a 21. Yep. Five points of piercing damage. Fourth one is a 24.

Yep. Eight points of piercing damage. So you guys just see a flurry of daggers come flying at queep after he dodges the fish man he gets just nicked a bunch by this spider guy you okay cuckoo bird that's so good how senior up um you uh remember specifically that you've only tried that voice box with a marifka and it was a dying marifka and it was in episode two. So it's been a long time ago, but I just, I didn't think it worked for,

cause it fit in his mouth. I thought it was only for, well, it doesn't fit in his mouth. It was on his belt. Oh, okay. And,

uh, you know, you, yeah. Um, okay. Well, I was going to try to talk to them,

but, but, oh, well, I guess I'm going to call lightning down their heads. No, you can try. Well, they don't speak our language, to them, but oh, well, I guess I'm going to call lightning down their heads instead. No, you can try. Well, they don't speak our language, right?

Well, do an insight check now. That's your turn. This is not something you would already know. Some of you deduce on your turn. Ten. You don't see any reason why you couldn't try to use it to talk to the one guy. The one Marifka. Oh, right. Yeah, but I don't have it so um who has it i do okay tick tock so i maybe i will try to like use my bonus action to communicate that to him

okay um but first for my main action i'm going to call lightning on the um crab man all right roll to attack um it's a, dexterity saving throw. Okay. Sweet. Uh, he rolls a 19. Okay. So he takes half the damage. Okay.

Roll that down. Um, and. Okay, so he takes half the damage. Okay, roll that down. And... Nice. So he takes 7 points of lightning damage, and then I have that shield typhoon thing, right? And that is 1d8 plus 4 force damage. So 8 force damage also. Okay.

So yeah, he gets smashed. He is very displeased and all his focus is on you. You are going to use your bonus action for something? Yeah, I'm going to melt your bonus action for something. Um, yeah, I'm going to melt some butter to dip him in when I, no, I,

uh, uh, I was going to try to communicate to tick tock. Like I'm going to point at the, yeah. And point at the, like his, you know,

to try to communicate. Like, can you try to, okay. Dog three rep. Okay. Um, do I have any sense of uh how beaten up this uh blue guy is blue guy looks the worst um everybody you know fighting right now he he's the he he looks

the worst but he's also been fucking queep up real bad uh so you're not you're i mean he's bleeding oh no i thought the crab fucked up Cleave. Nope. Narwhal guy. Narwhal did. Oh, okay. Well, then I'm going to finish him off first and throw him over the side. Okay. First, you're going to stab him and see if it kills him?

Yeah. That first one is a 21. That's a hit all right uh nine awesome roll your second attack It's like 11. No. No, it's a miss. Okay. I'll take my third attack.

Alright. That is a 19. It's a hit. Alright. 6. Cool. six cool all right he looks he looks terrible he's not dead but he's he's getting diced um what is this what is the side actually like the side of the boat yeah i mean it's pretty comparative to what you're looking at. But there's armor too, right? Yeah.

So the whole top rim is like steel nailed into the... Bolted into the boat. Right. So if I just ran at him and clotheslined him and with my own body using as much weight as I could, can I... I don't mind going over the side. Not this turn. Can Ilined him with my own body using as much weight as I could. I don't mind going over the side. Can I take him with me? Not this turn, but you could try it.

You could try it for sure. So you're going to be pushing forward using all your breath? Yeah, you've used all your actions right now. What was that reference? I'm on it. Oh, cute. TikTok's up. All right. Making love to you is your second best. Oh, cute. I still don't get that.

TikTok's up. All right. I'm a modern English major. Just stop. Stop the world. Okay. You dork. Oh, fuck. Yeah, that was...

All right. For my movement... That was our first dance. You and me at my wedding. Yeah. I mean, my wife and I. Hmm. Wait a minute.

That's not what you said. That you were at. You're pretty sure that you married Blaine. That's what I heard. I was I. Wait a minute. That's not what you said. That you were at. You were pretty sure that you married Blaine. That's what I heard. I was confused. Which is great. I'll stop the world and melt on your dashboard. I will tune into what she's saying.

I will pull up the translator box is what I wrote down. The translator box. I will look at the Mariska and go like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And like, I don't't know do I talk into it do I yeah so I talk and say we are friends we are not trying to kill you we want our boat can you call

these dipshits off do a persuasion check that's not a good five he looks at you and he like blinks and he like, his mandibles

kind of like twitch. Doesn't look nice. But maybe, you know, I'm not gonna judge him. Wouldn't they be fish-tables? Anything else you wanna do? No, this is that other thing, the spider guy. I'm assuming my action is to pull that thing out, right?

Yeah. I'm assuming my action is to pull that thing out, right? Yeah. And I mean, there's there. You can move. That's the thing that you're kind of. I will maybe fall. Can I fall back to where if you if you get out of melee range of lobster fella, he's going to take a swing at you. Then I'll just stay there. Okay.

Queep you up. I'm going to fly a swing at you. Then I'll just stay there. Queep, you're up. I'm going to fly up onto the sail. You know if you fly up, three guys are going to take swings at you. Same thing, the danger he was just in. You're surrounded. You're going to take three opportunity attacks,

is what they're called. Because you're in melee range. If someone can reach you with their weapon, if you try to disengage without a special ability Opportunity attacks is what they're called. If you leave... Because you're in melee range. You're in melee range. If someone can reach you with their weapon, if you try to disengage without a special ability called disengage, like rogues have it. But can he disengage as his action? Huh?

Can he disengage as his action? I think he needs the ability to do it. I don't think you can just say... I have it as an action. I do it as an action. I'm going to check uh could be wrong here disengage yes that's one of my actions disengage your dodge okay yeah it's one you can avoid provoking attack of opportunity uh by taking disengage it's a standard action yeah you can uh totally do it all right yeah you can just engage and grab okay hang on up on the sail and then attack with my crossbow you're so high

up the rogue has it as a bonus action. Yeah. But everybody has it as a regular action. Yes. Oh, my God. This weighted dice is just really... All right, so this is... We'll just put you up there because my little platform bolt. So many Dungeons & Dragons accessories are not made for live play, so I'll have it out and I'll be like, oh, that'll just take

a year. You're going to go high up or is that just for funsies? As long as I'm in crossbow range. Be careful that he's attached well, because when my figure fell, her head popped off on day one. I've got glue. Alright, so you're going to just hang out up there for now? You've used your action

to disengage? Yeah, but I don't have a second. Yeah. So I'm going to shoot hang out up there for now. You've used your action to disengage. Yeah, but I don't have a second. Yeah. I'm going to shoot crossbow. I would like to see you try. Who are you shooting at? This guy, Spider-Man. He's 11. Are you getting some pictures of him?

14? No. Sorry. He is wearing what looks like leather armor and it just sort of embeds itself and he just kind of flinches Alright Lobster boy Still doesn't like you, TikTok Oh

So here he comes Natural 20 So he is going to grab at you. God damn it. You are now. Yeah, you're now. This fucking prick.

Brian. You're now grappled. You're in his claw and he's going to squeeze it down. Take it personal. As he does it he says metal sucks and then you take 14 points

of bludgeoning damage you just fused all these lemon heads into one big lemon head he is now going to latch on to your face with his mouth tentacles and attempt. No, thank you. I don't know you like that.

Do a constitution saving throw, please. They're hitting you. It's a matter of whether something horrible is going to happen now because I'm proficient. Do I do I get to roll this with advantage? Proficient in constitution. Well, that's yeah. You know who I wish was proficient in the Constitution? I don't think so.

Maniacs in Congress. I think you need something for a saving throw. What it means is that you have a modifier. Yeah, I do. You still add that modifier. What's the news been like lately? What is he doing to me? Is he crazy?

He is latching on you with his face tentacles on your face. Entertainment news? Fleabag all over the place. Seven. It's all fleabag. It is poison. 24-7. Oh, I have advantage against poison.

Okay, good. You can roll again. You know who else has an advantage against poison? Brian. Yay, 15. He knows their drummer. So you managed to shake off the face tentacles, just kind of whip your head away.

You are not poisoned. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of Taylor Swift action happening today, folks. So this guy lost you, Queep. He's going to turn around. You lost me on that Taylor Swift joke, too. I don't know. Oh.

You lost me with turn around because I wanted to say bright eyes. That's what people say. I have two daughters. All right. So then he's going to try to stab you with his face horn. I just love face horn. Oh, natural 20. Dan, you're rolling well tonight.

For once. Brian, he lodges his tusk in your armor for seven points of piercing damage then yeah here comes some psychic damage and this is going to double

as you feel a screeching in your brain 6 9 you take 6 9 You take 22 points of psychic damage as every nerve in your brain feels like

it is being torn apart for a moment. How are you doing on hit points, Darkthor? Tell the listeners. It's none of their business. They're your friends. They like you. You're not. Well, you're chewing into the microphone like I'm not.

Dr. Ud, you're up. Do I still have time going on the moonbeam? Get another moonbeam attack on this guy. Okay. Roll your damage. 16. Alright. roll your damage 16 alright

this thing starts to lurch back and forth he's gonna try to hang on to tick tock nope after he sort of shakes from the moonbeam tick tock he lets loose his grip on you oh and what you gonna do I'm gonna try to get out of range of all these other guys TikTok, he lets loose his grip on you. Oh. And what are you going to do?

I'm going to try to get out of range of all these other guys and just keep the moonbeam on. Let's go. You can back your guy up as far as you like, but do it for the visual if you'd be so kind. When he lurches, that's not like an advantage

attack or anything. He didn't move that far. He wasn't in melee range of anybody. He was behind Darkthor. No, I'm talking about me and then Johnny Clamhands. No, no, he just released his grapple. Oh, giant Clamhands stole that.

Clams are notoriously handless. Not Johnny Clamhands. That's his whole deal. He's the hero of Clams. He's the hero of clams. He's famous for his hands. Or is it a guy with clams for hands? It's a new Tim Burton movie starring Johnny Depp. He's coming for you, TikTok.

Doesn't he blow everything in a casino? That's the big fish. Fish man. He is... First, he's going to try to bite you. Fish guy? I fell off the thing. In Russia, fish bite you.

Then he is going to try to slash you with his arm quills. And that is going to be 23 to hit. Ouch. You now get to do a constitution saving throw for poison. You get to roll. Ouch. You now get to do a constitution saving throw for poison. You get to roll with advantage. For poison. That fish is poison.

23. Poison. You are not poisoned, but you are going to take three points of poison damage just from the quills slashing across you. And then his buddy, the Marifka is coming after after you.

And as I have resistance to poison damage also. Oh, so you don't take one point of damage. Nice. They're really, you guys see they're really ganging up on TikTok now. They were already sort of swarming from that side of the boat. But as

Queep flies away, it leaves a vacancy that TikTok is sort of absorbing. So this guy, here he comes to try to stab at you four times. Me? Yep. This is our Mariska, buddy? Uh-huh. Oh, you know what?

Before he says it, he makes kind of a hissing noise. And you hear from the voice box a little voice say, Now we teach you a lesson. He misses with his first dagger. Jeez Louise. Misses with his second. Misses with his third. Whoa. Balls. Lost the dice.

Brian, don't eat that die on the floor. The fourth attack is a 24. Where do I start my die? Hit. And you take three points of piercing damage three it is

I like the polyo spring cheese I'm gonna call down lightning there's a lot of people here yeah you can aim it though so it still only hits lobster boy or you can aim it so it has a couple of them on there

I guess I'm gonna to go for the lobster. Okay. I'm still going to have Queep do a dexterity saving throw because he's above the lobster-ish. Do my grippy boots help at all? Well, what I was trying to do is get someone who wouldn't have to.

Is there anybody else I can get without anyone having to do a dexterity saving throw? Yeah, you could hit the fish dude and the narwhal dude by calling it down on that side. Okay, so I'll do that then. Oh, do an insight check for me really quick. You can pick insight or perception related to your last lightning attack. You can try to... Yeah, it doesn't matter, so...

All right. Eight. No, again, Halcine feels for a second like she can do a little bit of uh research here if she were able to pause and think about it more but in the heat that i feel like they might be resistant is that what you're trying to tell me not necessarily um i just feel like if they're wet they should be like very conductive that's not a bad thought um gross thought yeah um

yeah so I guess this is I mean it's already go for it so what are they rolling what are you rolling they have a they have a uh dexterity saving throw

every creature first one's a ten within five feet of the point oh they both fail they got ten and an eight so get him get him I'm doing them damage to the tune of 15 lightning damage and then 7 force damage. Okay.

The fish man explodes. Yes. So he just. Oh, my goodness. Love to blow up my enemies. Completely launched. uh the fish man explodes so he just the narwhal dude looks bad he is he's barely hanging he has to be one foot he has to he has to have a ton of damage on uh-huh yeah he sure does um and that is gonna bring us to Darkthor I remember a little story you told Last round about what you would like to do to this guy Yeah I'd rather just kill him

Do it! I'm going to stab him again At least once And see what happens That's definitely a hit. What's the number on that hit? That's a 20. Sweet.

Probably damage. Sweet. 10 on that. Oh. Does that do it? As you bring your sword down, he tries to parry with his tusk, and he just overshoots. What would you like to happen next?

Knock out three of his eyes in one slash, and go night-night and just knife through his eyes. Okay, and you guys all just see gore ripped out of this guy fly into the water and he just falls with a thud to his side. Good. And then I look at the other guys and go, now get off our boat. And I do persuasion.

You can choose. It sounds more like intimidation to me. Intimidation. I think I have higher persuasion. You have to tone it down a little bit in in character if you want to do persuasion that guy's eye glue is off so and that's intimidation oh um i'll tone it down then all right all right i get a plus five for okay oh there's a high dc on this because you're in combat getting guys to stop fighting

is a pretty difficult number. So no. What was it? Eight. Yeah, I mean, they barely hear you over all the clanging and crashing of the fight. All right, then I've got one more attack. All right. It's going to be your offhand.

Yeah. Because your offhand is a bonus action. You use an action to try to get him. I'm stabbing the four-armed asshole. Okay. In the back, right? Can I backstab him? Yeah Yeah, you got to scoot your guy. Yeah, yeah.

Don't think. Well, is it? Do I get back? I don't have backstabbing. No, I mean, and you're not really quite in his back. So 10. Backstabbing also requires you to be hidden. All right.

Yeah. Nope. That's a miss. And so TikTok, you're up. Well, I'm anxious to see the lesson you're going to teach us as I chop him with my axe. Okay. Don't they see that we just killed two of them? They should leave.

They should. Classic D&D problem. Why don't people just leave? First one is a 10. I'm assuming that's a miss on Spider-Man. 20. Not natural, but 20. Nine points of slashing damage on Spider-Man.

Cool. I threw that fucker over the side, on the Spider-Man. Cool. I threw that fucker over the side, by the way. Okay. We'll just say that's not quite happened yet. You just hate his mini somewhat. Again, his tusk is glued on. Save me 20 minutes of gluing and don't throw him around too much. You bastard.

Alright, so you smack Axe into him. Sorry, dude. He hisses. But can he understand his hiss? What does he say when he hisses? I'm taking you down with me. Are you near me? Cool.

Queep, you're up. Crossbow again. Down on the lobster boy. 17. I'm sorry, 18. That's a hit. All right. And that is...

Four. Okay. Four? Do it again okay you can see it nick him and knocks one of his little antennae off ooh

dink fifteen nope afraid not that one just goes into the deck of the boat all right that will bring us down to the lobster boy goes into the deck of the boat. Alright.

That will bring us down to the lobster boy. He's going for TikTok again. Seems dumb. Oh, you know what? Hmm. I'm going to have him do it. Yeah, he's going to get out from under this moonbeam

and he's going for Dr. Ud. So what? He's running over here. Does he take damage? TikTok, you get attack of opportunity. He does not take moonbeam damage as he leaves the moonbeam. Damn shame. X is 12.

Miss. Shit. So here he comes for you, Dr. Ud. 12. Miss. Shit. So here he comes for you, Dr. Uwud. 19 to hit.

And that is going to be 11 points of piercing damage. And he has you grabbed in a claw. He's now going to try to suction your face with his tentacles. I'm going to need you to do a constitution saving throw. Some dogs fighting a coyote in Brian's neighborhood. Is it safe to be out on the moors tonight? Oh man. I got an 11 on that one. Alright so you are poisoned

and you are now paralyzed as well. So you go limp in this guy's claw and it breaks your concentration and the moonbeam disappears. It's a little romantic. On the bright side you now have a girlfriend. In a moonbeam disappears. It's a little romantic. Yep. On the bright side,

you now have a girlfriend. In a moonbeam, he goes limp in his arms. Man, figures, I finally get a girlfriend. I've already got crabs. Is Bill Pullman standing at the head of the dock

with a bunch of candy and flowers for Dr. Ud and he sees this happen? He's like, oh. Yeah, it is Dr. Ud's turn, but you're paralyzed but you sound like Patrick on Spongebob so at the end you can

repeat your saving throw now to break out of paralysis you're in his grip so do another constitution save this is pretty much the only thing you can do in your turn 18 oh okay yeah you snap out of it unfortunately you're still in his grip um and you can't do a strength what how long was i out uh so he he managed to keep you from

attacking but on the bright side on your next turn you can try to strength check your way out of his uh pincers that'll take us to marifka Pants. He is going all out on Tic Tac. His name is Pants? No. Marifka Pants. His first attack is a miss. A nine. Another miss. An eight. His third attack is a

22. That'll hit. You're going to take four points of piercing damage and do a constitution saving throw, please. Is this poison? Yep. Roll advantage.

15. That is a save. Just barely. So you're. And then resistant to whatever this is. You're going to take. This is bad. Okay.

So it's a good thing you made your saving throw. This is 76 poison damage. Jeez! What? Might just be 7. It might. Oh, I thought you said 76.

I did say 76. I thought you said 76. Like the spirit of 76. Whoops, not that. Like trombones. He's a what? He's a what? He's a lobster not that. Like trombones. He's a what? He's a lobster man. He sells trombones. Big red claw. Big red claw. And a carapace. A carapace.

What is that? Sam's looking it up. I'm on it. Everyone knows that one. He doesn't know the territory I honestly didn't 13 points of poison damage Is that halved?

That's down from 26 I usually know the kids stuff It's the music one Oh see I've only seen a handful of musicals And that's not one of them My turn? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to attack this thing that's on Dr. Uid.

Okay. I'm going to attack it with my sword. Great. First, I'm going to do that. No, the die didn't really roll. It just bounced up and down like a basketball. Are you telling me you accidentally didn't roll? It's like I went like this and it just like bong, bong, bong.

But it's fine. I got a four. I mean, a nine with my thing. It's fine. Because actually, the only reason I needed the attack was to be able to use the bonus action to use my shield master shove bonus action. Okay. Shield master shove.

Where I can try to shove a creature within five feet of me with my shield. All bonus action. Okay. Shield master shove. Where I can try to shove a creature within five feet of me with my shield. All right. Go for it. I don't know what a shove action is. I think.

It's a strength check? Okay. Oh. He's going to contest it. Nice. So that's 21. You got a 17

and you beat that shit. All right. So he gets knocked back 10 feet. He's going to try to hold on to Dr. Ud. When he fails, Dr. Ud, you get dropped to the ground. You're prone.

You're on your face. But he is now. I can't believe it's over so fast. I'm sorry. I thought it's what you wanted. Sweet. Is he prone? Dr. Uwud is. Not the guy, no. He staggers

backwards. Dr. Uwud gets dropped, though. That'll bring us to Dr. Uwud. Get up. Well, let me check and see if I should make a claw and order joke. Then I see I don't really have a clear

setup for that one. Can I take a swing at this thing? Yeah. Will you use your thorn whip? Do I have to get up? Yeah, you do have to get up. Crack that whip. Joe the crab will slip. I'm going to...

Brian, your elbow. Yeah slip I'm going to Brian your elbow yeah I'm gonna thorn whip him right in his tentacle face alright 12 12 plus so 15

oh that's a miss you made it seem like it wasn't I thought it was I hit and it wasn't. I thought it was. I hit and it wasn't. So you try to thwack him and it just doesn't pan out.

That's going to take us down to the Mariska. I was just paralyzed, you guys. Give me five. I don't think I got a... Oh, you're right. I'm mixed up. How did that happen? Uh, boo.

So, Halcine should have been Darkthor, not Dr. Uwud. I fell out of order. So, Dr. Uwud, we're going to let you attack again in a second. Retcon, retcon, retcon. I had such a feeling about that. You're up, you're up.

All right. What's the guy that's fighting TikTok? The spider. Yeah. Okay. Does he get advantage because we've got that guy flanked? No, he's not flanked. You guys got him at like 45 degree angle.

You need a 180. Oh, I see. You need something at least between a 90 and a 1. Copy. I got three attacks. He can't escape without... 16. That's a hit.

Okay. Damage, damage, damage. Where's that other... Of course. This damage brought to you by Chuck F. Cheese. Adults only after dark. The F stands for fucking Chuck F. Cheese. Wow.

Now we're three locations in Whittier. Jeez. Somebody else got Chuck F. Cheese. I don't think they can advertise on the air that seems very rough seven on the one I went there

it was weird I just played Tempest the whole time but it was like dudes with like in robes 18 on the next long sword. Like at the gift shop, like when you turn in your tickets.

Yeah, you know, they have, it's ski balls. No. No. And then. They have all sorts of little monsters you can put on your pencil. The last one's not a hit.

That's fun. Yeah. Tick-tock, you're up. I will chop him. Actually, first, I will maneuver around so that I am flanking him. I can do that. So, now that he is properly flanked, may I attack him with advantage? Yes, you may.

First one is a 21. That's a hit. And then so that is the first one is seven points of slashing. Okay. I will do that again. That's an 18 To hit That is Shit

5 points of slashing I will action surge and do it again to him Alright So that's a 17 to hit It's a hit 8 points of slashing damage So So that's a 17 to hit. It's a hit. Eight points of slashing damage.

So you bring the axe across them once. Bring it across them twice. I'm taking arms every time, Dan. Well, and the third time, how would you like this to look? Well, I think today's lesson is, fuck you. I approve of this message. That's why we're sponsored by Chuck F. Cheese. Chop, chop. All right.

It's down to just Lobster Boy. This guy just, his face flies off. I've got one more attack. Can I rotate and sink it into the back of John J. Oh, my God. Yeah, go for it. So if I'm in his back, does that give me advantage? No, because nobody else

is currently up and flanking him. Copy. This is again with an axe. 22. That's a hit. Three points. The worst. Oh, how do you want Lobster Boy to die with only three points of damage?

Yeah. Wow, TikTok coming up at the end. He got hit by lightning and moonbeams. He's good. Hey. I really hate him. Your friends want to say hi to you in hell. Chop.

All right. Oh, my friends. Break out the butter. He's done, and so is everyone on the boat. Everyone? Us too? No. All the bad guys are a pile of seafood right now.

We're all breathing heavy for a second. By the way, there's a line of guards now on the dock. All just sort of... Yeah, they kind of... I'm going to have everybody do a charisma check. Just a broad, not a saving throw. A charisma check. Uh-oh.

18. Okay. You just botched your charisma check? I certainly did. Natural 20. Ding, ding, ding. Opposite roll. 13.

So the guards, as you wave, they kind of look very sternly. And this is your opportunity to make a statement about the wholesale slaughter of current occupants of the boat. What would you like to tell the guards? These people tried to take our boat. We tried to make them leave. We brought over the dwarf guy to help us out. We brought over the dock master to help us out we brought over the dockmaster to help us out we tried in the middle of the fight to get them to stop fighting he wanted to murder them

more than anything and begged them to leave the fight you got a 20 what do you want to do anything when he shouts this yeah i'm like scaling the mass head and i'm going like people of dame island of Dame Island. The Ice Five came here in our quest to rid the world of dictators, strongmen, and the evil forces that prey on the innocent.

We offered these fishmen good money for the boat that they stole from us, and still they would not take our money or our word. so we did what we needed to do we did not enjoy it we did not want to do it i liked it is the world safer now that we have done what we have done do a performance check do a performance check that's just my 20 Yeah come on Um 10 I mean you hear like

One of them go like She's the one the beer's named after A couple people Brew baker clap And then they disperse Three cheers for Halsey Yeah yeah yeah That was good

Cheers You get the inspiration token Yay house scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was good. It was good. Cheers. Well, you get the fucking speech. I'll give you... You get the inspiration token. The inspiration token. Yes. The guards back off. They just burst back into the street and start helping people clean up all the flooded belongings. At least search the bodies for anything.

Especially spiders. Everybody do an investigation check, please. especially spiders cool everybody do an investigation check please 10 21 okay hey I'm gonna throw a

a cure wounds all right I need it on Brian and uh and then I'm gonna do whip up some uh

some good berries all right a creep right a creep really needs it I'm at half whip up some good berries. All right. A quip, right? A quip really needs it. I could take some. I'm at half, but is anybody worse than half? Yeah, I think Ken's worse.

I can also do it. I'll do it too. So, Dr. Uy, you're helping everybody look through the bodies, and you discover that most of them are just beast-like in nature, don't really have pockets per se. You could maybe harvest some meat off of the lobster guy. But the Marifka has, first of all,

he has four long knives that look like they could be pretty nasty. And he also has four vials of poison hidden in his belt. Doctor, you could use a knife for your... You can take one of these for your offhand.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Dr. Ud, Halsine, Kleep, anybody else? It doesn't quite... Yeah. Are they special daggers? You have to have maybe someone take a look at it. He tried to poison the shit out of me with it, so it does something. I'll take one. I'll take a vial of poison. Okay.

Everybody make a note if you're taking a vial of poison. I'm going to need to keep track. There's only four of them. Who's claiming them? I'll take one. You guys take them. I don't want any. Then I will.

I've got six for a queep and six for a targther. Oh, cool. And I'm giving 14 to everybody in range. Great. All right. Should I take all four of his knives or just. Would you use two? You can take mine.

I don't mind. Oh, no. You were taking one. No, no. Take it. I'll just take one. I just need one. And you said 14.

Thank you. 14 for you. Also, Ken. Thank you. When you're done with your maths, can you all do a perception check for me how many points did we get i got six 20 14 from me and six yeah okay um 16. perception perception yeah 15. okay bad nine correct so tick tock you're. Yeah, you're a little busy kicking the Marifka's body. But a couple of you guys noticed in the distance, it looks like there are creatures in the water

swimming away upriver. Yeah. So there were maybe reinforcements that decided to flee. Good, good. This is going to be an issue going forward, I feel like. It does feel like whatever this... Yeah, you pissed off the cult. Yeah, the path of the vaunted tusk is not happy with you. This is going to be an issue going forward, I feel like. It does feel like whatever this... You pissed off the cult.

Yeah, the path of the vaunted tusk is not happy with you. There's obviously... You should have stayed the fuck off our boat, is the lesson there, really. And on that note, hey, Sam. Hi, everybody. What do you think happened on episode 41 of Nerd Poker? Well, before I get into that,

I must point out from the previous episode, Stacy Keach is alive. Yay! Very well. All right. Now for this episode, we got a classic narwhal situation. We also got a classic crab lobster situation. Pretty straightforward.

One of them is screaming in our brains. Today I learned one of Brian's anger buttons is taking away his boat. I can't believe no one has said Marifka Hargitay. We're of course talking about I Met With You by Modern English. Damaged Fishman Won't Die. Brian Killed Fishman. Dr. Ood is Caught by Crabman.

Brian Doesn't Know the Music Man. TikTok Killed Lobster Man. Sarah Gave a Speech. And we Robbed Fish Corpses. I did actually see the Music Man. I remember I saw it real young But none of it stuck The movie?

Ron Howard? But then No My grandma took me to see it The musical And then Simpsons kind of Yeah

Did a take on it The monorail I feel like a bunch of people Have like done that Yeah yeah The River City Like it's the guy, yeah. Who's the actor who originated it?

Robert Preston. Right. And he kind of then redid it for Last Starfighter. Oh, which I love. Nice. That makes a lot of sense. I didn't even realize that. Anything you want to plug, Dan? Yeah, sure. The October one

probably will be done by the time this airs, but I book a really fun show in Burbank, if you're out plug, Dan? Yeah, sure. You know, the October one probably will be done by the time this airs. But I book a really fun show in Burbank if you're out here called The Filling. The October show's got like Martha Kelly, Kyle Kinane, Yasser Lester, a lot of really funny people.

Is that the Geeky Tees? It's the Geeky Tees on Wednesday. Yeah, and they sell Dungeons & Dragons stuff. And just, I have a blast. I co-host and co-produce with my friend Taya Lux, who was the voice of Loth, the spider goddess, in the last campaign.

Yeah. We love it. You can come see it. PrimePersane.com for tour dates and all that shit. I'll be appearing at the Haunted Mound in the desert outside of Henderson, Nevada. If you can find it, I'm doing a set. The haunted mound.

Thanks, you guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.