Nerd Poker - Episode 41 - Metal Ghosts

Episode Date: November 21, 2018

The trek northeast through the monster prison continues, as our crew tries to keep a low profile in the eerily quiet graveyard of Seluna Prison. They stand at the the precipice of some kind of death theater for Baphomet, which is at the very least a nice location to put on a postcard. If they tarry, perhaps a show will get put on in that theater! You're about to find out! Also, with regret we must note that Sarah had to miss this and the next episode due to illness, but she's back swinging in the present, and will appear on our November bonus episodes!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

Most of my friends are here. No Sarah tonight, but Chris. Hello. Ken. Yee. Sam. Hiya. Oh, God. but Chris Hello! Ken Dan Hiya! Oh god

I'll be your buddy tonight Brian and yeah Blaine, go Oh hi, it's me Blaine Blaine, go and Sam is at the end of the table there We're saving up to buy him a microphone.

Are we? No. Great. Yeah, we have a go mic me. Hey, and you know, I just want to say a special... You're a little hot. You're a little hot in the mix. Who, me?

Yeah. Maybe it's just my headphones. It is your headphones. You can blame Blaine for... We preset them at the wrong level. Blaine tried to very carefully curate your headphones. You can blame Blaine. We preset them at the wrong level. Blaine tried to very carefully curate your volume. I like it loud because, I don't know, maybe I like to rock. Speaking of rock, guess what?

A Kiss song and an April Wine song. Nice. Tonight at Palladino's, you guys. Oh, God. Dwayne Johnson. Eluvalteen, an Eluvity cover band of all geriatric Swiss geriatric metal players?

What happened? I don't know what Eluvity? Oh, yeah. Eluvity? It's an Eluvity cover band of all geriatric Swiss. Somebody is screaming right now. Somebody has got their headphones on. That's from

Dennis Wanecka Thrax Skull Splitter, which I think is his real name, then his D&D name. What else? What else is in the news? What else? I could... Have you ever seen a guy who opened with that blame? Hey, what else is in the news?

I could plug another special band over at Paladino's. Yeah, please. This week it's I Can't Drive 57, the tribute band with two fingers up Sammy Hagar's ass. It's from Speak Elvish or Die. Can I go with

8's Enough? It's a patent impersonator fronting a Enough's Enough. It's Dick Van... Oh, no. Patent impersonator fronting a Enough's Enough cover band. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, God, my heart. Ladies and gentlemen,

the dorkiest things humans could say. Fly high, Adam Rich. Remember they had a song called Fly High, Michelle? See, that's what that was see I went deeper on your dumb ass yeah you went really can you go deep on my Jafria Buckley

joke? I don't know either Jeff Buckley or Jafria oh Jafria Buckley oh man sometimes I work these out in advance you guys Oh, Jafria Buckley. Oh, man. Sometimes I work these out in advance, you guys. Well, I said April Wine a minute ago, so what about April Swine? They do April Wine songs, but they're wearing pig masks.

Oh, is that Sunday? I'll go to that show. Yeah, yeah. Did you see April Ween? Oh, God. Your 21st century schizoid man pushing up the daisies medley. Was it my stash? What?

Was that my stash? No, it's not from here. Ken brought it. Good, good. God, yeah. We stole your Halloween candy, Roger. We're eating it all. Yeah, we're eating it.

I promise. Don't do that. That is candy that Ken and I brought in order to celebrate last week's Halloween. I was going to bring it last week when it was closer to Halloween. I know. Okay. Do you? Very sassy, Rose.

He knows. Well, let's jump in. All right. What happened last time? What happened last time? Last time on Nerd Poker, our heroes have been trying to bust a cosmic being out of a moon prison full of monsters. You've actually isolated what building she's in.

So if you look at your little moon map, anybody got their moon map handy? Anybody got their moon map handy? Yes, teacher. There's the little, oh Christ. Don't call me teacher. That was creepy moon map, Annie? Anybody got their moon map? There's the little... Oh, Christ. Don't call me teacher. That was creepy. Yeah, you actually... I know. You have it. Yep.

Planar Horrors in the northeast corner of the big square. You're pretty sure Jyn Radin is in there based off of what Dean, the fake elf creature, told you. You're passing through a building and this guy... Dean the murder god. He's pretty powerful.

You don't know if he's a god, but... Essentially. You know, there's a lot of beings here that are from other planes, like the Nine Hells, and they can cast really powerful spells that instant kill people. So, you know, some of these guys are regular

run-of-the-mill monsters other ones are shapeshifters that can pretend to be elves named dean um as we've seen and so you're pretty sure up there in the northeast jinn raidna is somehow imprisoned uh but but somebody was already looking for that guy dean was up there knocking the building over looking and he couldn't find her so you're not entirely sure where what are you looking at on that old map it's an old map there's a uh it's the pit of the second sky map i was just looking for the map that we're dealing with but there's a uh it's very funny there's a little cavern and a devil just sitting in there with a funny look on his face he's just waiting for you to find him. Yeah, he's just waiting.

Poor guy. Anyway, sorry. Phil McAndrew drew that. Artist for comic books and such. So you guys, yeah, you're in the northeast chunk now, which is the prison graveyard. They put all the dead prisons? Kind of. No. You don't know, Dan. I don't know? And when you got all the, they put all the dead prisons kind. Oh no.

But you don't know, Dan, I don't know. Maybe it is. Wouldn't it be great if I just found this campaign somewhere and was like just improvising my way through the whole thing. And it's like, Oh,

I found this in an alley. I hope it works for dungeons and dragons. The, sorry if I just made hot tea come under your nose. Oh, by the way, quick pause. Thank you, Geeky Teas, for the dead pool long tea that we're drinking. Let's sip on some tea.

Burbank, California. You guys are- Yeah, we're teeing out. You guys were trying to figure out how to get across. It's this abnormally, supernaturally large area. It's designed to be bigger than the physical space could provide so it's got a tardis kind of quality where you're now that you're inside the graveyard you can't see the other sides of it even though it only looks like a maybe like a couple acres on the map um it's it's like the size of indiana

once you're actually there. It's like one of those new Kias. It's small on the outside, but inside it's surprisingly roomy. And it does terrible in safety tests. Yeah, well, you know. You guys, Kia went to one of the temples that is like one of the larger structures. I should backtrack a little bit because in the last episode, you guys were so keen to kind of explore. I may have skipped over just a little bit of what it is like one of the larger structures but like i should i should uh i should backtrack a little bit because in the last episode you guys were so keen to kind of explore i may have skipped over just a little bit of what it looks like so more of a purpley sky it looks like like where you're from it looks like just a dark and stormy sky no lightning no rain but it's heavy overcast

purple and blue kind of dark and um everything looks pristine it is a very clean graveyard you don't see any beings. It also looks evacuated. You get the feeling that maybe both this and the submission yard were kind of on off hours or quiet hours when the big prison break happened. And so this area is not like swarming with release monsters. But, you know, Lord Kazma escaped somehow. You don't know if he was being tortured or if he just was roaming around. But you figure there could be a couple of roaming powerful beings over in the graveyard too. Haven't

bumped into any yet. And you spent about an hour running past sort of statues and mausoleums, all of them like a clean white marble. And you found a big temple. This temple is like an amphitheater dug into the ground. It has a few big pedestals and archways around the outer rim of it. But there's a sign that just says Baphomet outside. And you didn't quite go all the way into the... It also says Baphomet in Braille underneath. That's thoughtful. It is.

There's a couple... In the middle of the amphitheater, very far down, you see there's a big marble slab that you feel like maybe you could push aside, but you haven't quite gone down there yet. You just know this is a- You also see that part of the sign fell that said bed and beyond. Bed, baphomet, and beyond. I went there for an oscillating fan.

Where'd Dan go? I'm glad slowly drinking tea until the joke finishes getting off of my body. Yeah, you know, you got... I need a new bath event. My other one wore out. Why don't everybody do a little perception check?

I perceive. Okay. Okay. I perceive you didn't like that joke. It was funny. It was just long. Wordplay is hard to laugh out loud that joke. It was funny. Wordplay is hard to laugh out loud at sometimes. It was funny.

It was just terrible. Especially when you see it coming down the... I got a nine. That was a little one that you can see from the highway. You got a nine? Yeah, I rolled real bad on that one. You sure did. Twelve. I think I got a plus 100%.

I got a 17. Damn. Twelve. So, Bodhi, you feel like being the barbarian that you are, you've actually heard a little bit about Baphomet. All you know is he's an evil demon, but now that you're here at this temple, you feel kind of inspired. You're like, if he's a demon-type dude, I bet Kord would throw down against this guy, and you kind of start

knowing where to look right away you um you notice there's nothing creepy about the temple and that tells you as a good barbarian that this temple is not built to worship baphomet but perhaps for people in the prison to gather and talk about baphomet sounds like like the Christian science reading room. Or cast spells, yeah. And so there's something sort of almost like a surgical theater kind of vibe that Bodhi gets when he looks around. And you were told by Gilfri,

your little Kenku buddy, that Baphomet is supposedly in the area of the dead, maybe a dead god, Maybe a dead prince. But you feel like there's more underneath that marble slab in the middle of the amphitheater. Okay. I tell those guys that. You're crazy. You don't know what you're talking about.

More under the slab, huh? Typha's a little embarrassed that she did so bad on her infamous perception roll. What's your passive perception? Passive perception. Swedish fish. 17. Yeah, so... I mean, you basically would...

I knew that. No, some of it, but you rolled so terrible that fish. Bodhi got there before you, for sure. No, Bodhi... I'm deeply embarrassed. Bodhi's kicking ass right now. Let's look under.

Yeah. You gonna jog down the stairs? Yeah, let's do it. Alright, so it takes, you know, two, three minutes of just kind of trotting down these stairs. You get to, um, again, it's not quite an altar, because you don't feel like it's for worshipping, but it's like this flat presentational area and a big marble slab. Uh,

and on the slab, the slab, it says, here imprisoned, half dead, not alive, lies the consciousness of Baphomet. Say that again?

Here imprisoned, half dead, not alive, lies the consciousness of Baphomet, half dead, not alive, lies the consciousness of Baphomet. Half conscious, not alive is going to be the problem when we open this thing up. Yeah. Are there any seams or anything around?

Do a perception check. Okay. 17. You're in a new area. Everyone can do one more. 17? 20. 11, Dan, if you must know. So goddamn important to you.

Another 17. Damn. Well, you kind of get most of this too, Bodhi, but Twee, something about the evil in you kind of sparks your attention here. That's right. Twee's evil. Yeah.

You get the vibe that if you take this marble slab aside, it's not going to release Baphomet. He's going to be still and like whatever Baphomet, if he could escape, he's pretty powerful. Like he would have done it already. There's no harm in giving it a look, twee thinks.

He's powerful enough to sue Netflix. This slab is not the prison. This slab is... Correct. ...decorative. You think there's more beneath the slab, and opening it up is just sort of like step two

towards going towards Baphomet. Do we want to do this? It would be easy to do it. It would be easy. Here's what I think. Somewhere in one of these buildings is the thing that gets us across this is probably not not it yeah this is some other thing which we can totally go and do but if we're trying to get to jinn raiden uh is this a maltese falcon you

guys we already figured out which building she was in that's what he said at the beginning well he said he knows we're over here in this direction, but we need... Like, yeah, to get across this mission yard, you needed those teleportation crystals. You don't have that luxury this time. Yeah, we need Twee, ultimately, to talk to her and, like, ping her on the radar. But he needs a long rest to do that. Yeah,

and Esmeralda's just kind of looking at Twee, just kind of, like, waiting to see what he wants to do here. Okay. That was my stomach. Brian's gastrointestinal tract just made its own comment. I think you just downshifted your whole body. No.

It's evening time. What do you want to do, Blaine? I don't know. Can we retake that? We had a tummy on the shot. Oh, Blaine, that's no way to talk about my body. Now tummy.

I like this guy. This guy's fun. Your body is Goliath. David Goliath. Oh, Kenny, I barely remember that reference. So, Tweet, you do know you would need to rest again before you could actually get extra guidance.

But you also, I would say, would know, there's no guarantee she's going to help you beyond being a divining rod. Like, I'm still in this direction. How long has it been since we've actually rested? Has everybody down hit points? So how long, uh, uh, how long do we, has it been since we've actually rested? Is everybody down hit points? A couple of you are definitely down.

Um, you didn't really lose. You did, you did a great job of distracting Lord Kazma long enough to not get mutilated, but you did take the last time we camped. That was here. We remember we were in that hut and they started dropping bodies. So that was, that's not true.

You did camp out in the Archmages. But that is the last time. It's been about nine hours. Yeah, I'm almost 36 down, something like that. Yeah, you got a little fucked up from that weird pink ribbon monster that's face

and arms opened up in the Venus Flytrap. We should find a place to camp out. Did we kill him? No, you had forearms. Did we kill him? No, you left him burning upside down. Yeah, that's what I thought. Should we do that here, or do we want to open the slab?

Is the slab another room that we could hide inside? You don't know until you open it. Whatever plane thinks. Like you were saying, if this isn't something that we need to do, it's just a distraction that might kill us.

Right. I don't think it's necessary. Do we camp out here, though? Because this is potential shelter. Yeah, we could probably... We could just camp out on top of the slab. Open an enderman's tiny hut. Get that cinnamon crumble.

With the strudel? Oh, my God. My favorite hut. Get that cinnamon crumble. With the strudel? Oh, my God. My favorite hut. So good. Yeah, let's do that. I'm trying to remember if you've cast. You did not cast Lehman since you rested. You have a fresh Lehman's in your pocket, I believe.

So let's just do it. Let's rule. Do we need to keep watch? I'll heal everybody up. Yeah, we'll do watch. I'll learn all my spells back. We'll heal up. So you're going to toss it up on top of the little middle of the theater?

Yeah, we'll sort of make it look like we just sort of blend in. If it's a white amphitheater, we can just make it look like a bunch of steps. Great. Okay. So you throw it up. You guys also have two soldiers with you. They're totally tagging along one of them's in leather armor and you haven't really gotten to know him yet but you met him in the in the dome

and then you've got ed a guard who's been with you since you were outside the main ziggurat of the prison and uh he he almost died uh when you lost him in the submission yard and you found him and dragged him along at the last second. And you've got Gilfry and Gendi. So you've got quite a lot of NPCs in your little camp right now. So we can rest up. I do want to do one thing. Yeah, I mean, you've got them.

They can share the burden of a watch, depending on how much you trust them. While we're on this, I want to rest, but there's a thing I want to do while we're on this rest, in addition to just healing. Uh-huh. Do you want me to tell you now? Yes, sir. I want to do the Hell's on this uh rest in addition to just healing uh-huh do you want to do me do that tell you now yes i want to do the hell's forager okay do you want to read that yes uh the audience

will love to hear custom class stuff because uh they don't know oh cool uh when you or a party member in extreme danger like you know at monster. You gain a plus five bonus to searching for ingredients that may heal, though you may still come up short. Additional preparation times apply. However, you also do not suffer penalties when cooking under duress and roll advantage on all healing rolls. So that's what I want to make, like some healing

potion stuff. You can use your hell's forager ability this once if you leave Lehman's Tiny Hut. You're currently on a marble site. Oh, no, no. I wouldn't do it.

I'm sorry. You'd have to leave the theater and leave Baphomet's little amphitheater. Outside. You'd have to walk around in the dirt of the graveyard. What am I doing that? Do I have to cook out there too?

No. Okay, no. I'll go for it. You can set up a little. I don't mind. I'll take one of the guards with me. Great. Is that cool with everybody? I'll take one of the guards with me. You're going to take Ed since you know him better? Sure, I'll go for it. You can set up a little. I don't mind. I'll take one of the guards with me. Great. Is that cool with everybody?

I'll take one of the guards with me. You're going to take Ed since you know him better? Sure, I'll take Ed. I'll take Ed. I'll take Ed. And then while I'm gone, have the other guards sit up, and then we can rotate sleeps. Great.

Do a investigation check. That's a sweet-ass seven. You find a weird... It looks like a naked... Wait, am I supposed to add my 5 to that? I did not. Add your 5. What is it?

Oh, sorry. Now it's an 11. Oh, okay. So... 12, actually. Sorry, 12. All right. So you find two things.

13. Better. You find what looks like... It's a 38, Dan. I rolled a 38. You find a big, fat... It looks like a naked's a 38, Dan. I rolled a 38. You find a big, fat... It looks like a naked mole rat with no eyes. Jesus.

You can break its... I'm right here. It's like the size of a loaf of bread. Okay. Okay. So you can break its neck really easy. What does he sound like? You're looking for food,

so I'm assuming you just break its neck and it's meat. Yeah. Right? Yep. And then you also find a little burrow of what just looks like grave worms. Great. In the dirt. Cook those up with some garlic.

So it takes you two hours. Done. While he's doing that, is anyone taking first watch from inside the hut? I was saying one of the other guards could do that. Hmm? The nameless guard. Let these guys rest. Okay.

Are you guys all cool with that? If we trust them enough. I'm going to be awake. I'll be doing my spell stuff. Yeah, you're learning spells. Does anybody have any books they're trying to read or study? No. Hey, Brian.

Brian just found a book that he has in a bonus episode and was like, can I study this? I'm still trying to get through The Last Stephen King. A Dark Tarot series, am I right? What? No. His last book was not Dark Tarot related. So do a perception check for your time outside

to see if you notice anything, since none of the other player characters are watching. Dog it. It's a nine. It's a stupid, stupid nine. Yeah, so you hear like a couple of sort of whistling noises and you look up a couple of times, but you don't see any animated beings.

Yeah, yeah, it's a little windy. You see the clouds moving and rolling. All right. You head back without incident. All right, I'll just say there is for sure something out there what in this demon prison on the moon I know I know that's why we moved here

that's why we retired here to get away from that I feel so stupid after about four hours you and your nest egg the guard in the leather armor is going to try to wake one of you up. Oh, God.

Oh, no. Are you going to sleep at all, Tweed? Apparently not. No, you can. I mean, you got to. No, I'm like learning spells and casting heals and learning spells. So he spent two hours and he came back and you were still awake learning. learning spells and casting heals and learning spells. So he spent two hours and he came back and you were still awake learning.

And then two more hours go by. After four hours, would you have been done? Yeah, I might grab an hour on that one. Okay. Well, then I would say this guy would not bother you because you're just starting to rest again. But he goes to you, Nettie. It was between you and Bodhi.

You and Bodhi and Esmeralda, and he just went to you because he's like, hey, by the way, I never introduced myself. My name's Jerf. Jerf. It's not

G-E-R-F-F, is it? It is. It is. It's not G-E-R-F-F, is it? It is. It's better be... It is. It's GERF. Yeah, what's up, GERF? Hey, there's, I think, some ghosts circling the amphitheater. Okay.

Let's take a look at that. You're going to go with him? Yeah. So, he walks you to the edge of the hut and he says, I don't know, I'm a little nervous.

I don't know if we should leave the hut, but if you stare up at the outer rim of the amphitheater, right there, through that arch, just stare for a minute and you'll see them. And sure enough,

you stare for what feels like five, ten minutes, nothing, and then you see a form kind of go. And then maybe 30 seconds go by and you see another form go. And you keep watching for another couple minutes and it doesn't recur. But Jurf kind of looks at you and goes, yeah, I mean, they're circling. You'll see those two again if you wait. I don't know if I'm that concerned about ghosts.

You ain't afraid of no ghosts? You might say. Okay. I didn't say I wasn't afraid of them. He kind of shrugs and says, maybe they're just out to socialize. Yeah. It's the time of year.

Yeah. While I got you... He says, while I got you up, I guess I want to sleep. I'm tired. All right, I'll take a watch. Okay, so he goes to sleep. Do a perception check. 19.

You notice just from what are you doing like just pacing around are you yeah all right I mean you've got some spells to relearn yourself and you you've you've managed to look up from you know relearning

darkness or whatever you've got to relearn that like oh like maybe maybe those ghosts are kind of stopping and staring through that archway now like like they like they're they're suspicious of the way it looks like it like you start to think about how they changed you know uh when uh when when twee cast uh cast Lehman's Tiny Hut, he made it just kind of look a little different. And maybe one of the ghosts noticed.

There's an archway, like stonehenge-y kind of like pedestals and flat tops. And there's a lot obscuring the rim of the amphitheater, but they're like stopping in the archway and kind of like, it's too far away to really see what form it has. It, but they're stopping in the archway. It's too far away to really see what form it has. It seems like they're sensing us. You see a whitish-blue form. You think two glowing little eyes just kind of pause. It's just a ghost.

Okay. So you're just going to ignore it for the most part? No, I'm still sleeping. At this point, we're about six hours deep into the eight-hour rest. I'm going to wake Bodhi and see what he thinks. Hey, Bodhi. Take a look out the door. I really...

I'm no good without any coffee. Give me like 15 hours of coffee. Wow. So you're peaking right now. Okay, let me. What do I see? Do a perception check. 10.

Yeah, I mean, you see the ghost go by, but you can't really make out its form or anything. See something, but I don't know. Is there anything you should be worried about? I'm not sure. What happened? What did I miss? It looked like they were recognizing there were people here. All right. look like they were people here all right well Allah do you need to sleep how long doesn't seem like you've been you've been up for about you know three

four hours okay so there's one more shift basically yeah let's trade off all right all right so you go crash heyhi, why don't you do a perception check for your turn on the watch? That'd be a 22. Yeah! He sees the shit out of these ghosts. He knows it's Teddy Roosevelt. One of the ghosts does indeed stop at one point after about an hour

and you see it get a little bit closer. It kind of like is floating down the stairwell and it looks like, it's hard to tell, it's still pretty far away, but you get your eyes focused. You've had your coffee. And it looks like, is it an orc?

It looks like it might be the ghost of an orc. Okay. I'm half orc. is there any way I can tell for sure well I mean yes uh what should I tell

Bodhi you would know it speaks orcish right so if it's truly an orc. It's orcish for boo. Do they seem malevolent? Do they seem... It seems to be moving very little,

just sort of the ethereal quality of it. He's not moving from the stairwell. But he's looking at me. He's looking at the hut. It looks like maybe he can't see through the hut, but he's studying the form of the center of the amphitheater. All right. I still don't know.

If you poke your head out, you could call out to it in orc. Right. You would know that. Yoo-hoo! Orc who yeah what do you say what do you say it's a conversational conundrum i'm gonna just still hang back all right so um eventually people start to stir. They can't sleep anymore. They all start to wake up, and you're aware that Liam and Tiny Hut's not going to last much longer.

What kind of points did I get back? You guys are all fully learned and fully healed. We'll spread the word of the ghost. Okay, I'm going to tell Tui. Was Tui out? He did finally write. You guys are ghosts. Yeah, Twee knew there was ghosts, but nobody else knows about the orc aspect of it.

There's ghosts, guys. There's at least two ghosts out there, and one of them seems orc-like. Shut the fuck up. So they're not friendly. We don't know yet. Would you like me to engage the orc-like ghost? Yeah, maybe less than an hour of the hut left. So you're either going to have to find cover

to avoid them at some point. Does anybody just want to hang out for another hour? See what happens? Well, it's either... It's awful nice in here. Yeah, it is nice in here. I mean, the next move is wait for it to get close and then come out so

we're on top of it. It does smell like half-orc and Kenku farts. Now that he's gone, we try and bolt while it's gone. Those are our moves. We wait for it to get close and jump it. Or we try and make a break for it while it's not

right on top of us. I feel like if we wait until it's close and jump it, that it will use something to its advantage that we don't know about. Let's get the hell out of here. Should we bolt? Yeah. Let's go. Should we stealth up to the top and just make sure it doesn't,

it's not like hanging out right outside? Do another perception check, everybody. Back up the hut and let's flit. This is you planning your exit. The 19. 10. Nothing. Back up the hut and let's fled. This is you planning your exit. It's a 19. 10. Nothing.

Four. All right. 15. 19 is enough to know that there are six sort of stairwells branching out from the center of the amphitheater. And indeed, this thing is coming from the south. You could head northeast towards your ultimate goal out of this amphitheater. Let's do it.

I like that plan. Yeah, let's go to that door, check again, and make sure that we just don't... And you feel like the HUD's going to pop any second. Yeah, let's go. Let's do it. Yep. All right, everybody do a stealth check. Just going to make sure all your npcs get it because there's

enough of them i really should count them you guys have amassed a bit of a party i got a 17 on that 15 damn bro 18 you stealth eight i rolled a three but i got an 18 all your npcs did pretty good, but yeah. Tweed, you just... I shouldn't have opened that celery. I tried to eat a crunchy celery. It was weird, you just broke it in half. Vacuum can full of celery. The sound, it sounded like an old-timey movie leg breaking. I kept putting my hand on your shoulder, but you would not stop.

And then all those grape nuts. I know, he just tweet pops a bunch of grape nuts in his mouth and chews with his mouth open. Yeah, then my ASMR videos. You guys all notice as you get about halfway up the stairs and this ghost, it seemed

like it was still fixed you know, like 100, 150 yards up the stairwell to the south it's now kind of tracing around the rim of it towards you it's coming the other ghost or is it just one

only one has made it visible but you're all pretty sure there's a second ghost somewhere is it the orc like one it's the second ghost somewhere. Is it the orc-like one? It's the orc one, yeah. You know the orc one hasn't left the amphitheater. What should I say to him? Boo.

Well, it's either friend or foe. Yeah. You'd know enough that it's a dead orc. Brother, can I help you? You call out an orc. An orc, and it stops. It knows you're an orc. Are you friend or foe?

It calls out Hail and well met you tell me I am dead I have no stake other than to escape this place You tell me friend or foe We noticed you looking at us And we were wondering If you're

Forrest or Gintis I don't know you seem like you would run from me. No. I think I am half-orc, my friend. That magical bean in the middle of the theater, you were hiding in it, and then you took flight. Magical bean. You fled from me.

He thinks the tent was a creature. Oh, no, no. That wasn't a creature. That's adorable. Magic bean. Isn't that cute? It looked like a bean. I guess he could say it looked like a bean.

I saw you flee from me. Are you cowards? We're not fleeing from you. I just came out to talk to you. You did it with your back. That's not the way of our kind. We can't see you all the time. Our forms are different.

What is your business here? You're not of the overlords of this place. No, we're here to fight a great evil. He says, I'm with a band of warriors. What evil here is free and not imprisoned? Oh, we're going to get one that's imprisoned,

free it, and then kill it. I got half a donut in my mouth. He floats a little bit closer. He says, what makes you think that you will be a champion of this place? Confidence. Blind, dumb confidence.

I'd like to see some of that confidence. My Lord Kord guides me. You say Kord and he bristles a little bit. Yeah. And he takes an ethereal war hammer off of his back and just kind of like... Are you a worshiper of Baphomet? Teasingly like pats it in his hand.

And he says, Oh, I don't know if I worship Baphomet. Teasingly pats it in his hand and he says, Oh, I don't know if I worship Baphomet, but I am not a worshiper of your namby-pamby good barbarian god. Oh no! Fight wolves!

What are you doing, man? What kind of orc worships a good barbarian god? That god believes in honor. There is no honor in bloodshed. There is only death. There is only power. He's saying all this in orc, so you guys just see Bodhi having this long...

I think it's going really well. They're talking a lot. They're friends. He's got his big old two-handed warhammer just kind of like patting it in his hand. He's testing me. He's calling you Chicken McFly. He kind of is.

But he's a ghost. What's he gonna do? Right. He gets a little closer. I just saw Dan think of nine things. He gets a little closer, and you see he has weird deformity in addition to being a ghost orc. His face is kind of...

Looks like there's a scar, and then multiple eyes kind of go up his forehead and across his scalp. Weird. Cool. He's got what looks like a dozen eyes going up his head. But they're all looking at you. God, I don't like this guy.

Is it the row of eyes? No, it's the more metal than you thing that he's pulling on me. Whenever you're... Can you call him on it? Whenever somebody tests you. Yeah. you thing that he's pulling on me. Whenever you're... Can you call him on it? Will he respect that? Whenever somebody tests you. He's more orc than me, apparently.

He introduces himself. He says, I am Grosser, ninth of my clan. Grosser. Prove to me that you deserve to be left to your devices. What's your clan? What's your clan?

Huh? What's your clan? You don't know your clan? The Dungeon Master doesn't. Get him, Bodhi. The clan Glugnuk. Oh, he just made that up. Did you see him do it?

It sounds super made up. What does Bodhi know about Glugnuk? It says Glugnug on his mug. Do a history check. Wow, he didn't make it up. He has a Glugnug shield. Oh, my God. It appears multiple times in his Bible.

Ten? Yeah. You know it's an ancient clan and that you've heard it before on this adventure. Really? The Glugnug? Glugnug. Do you guys remember... Is it Glugnug or Glugnuck?

Glugnuck. I've heard Glugnuck. Do you remember the Glugnuck claim? I will let everyone do a history check. Of orcs. If you are introducing it to the party. 17. Blarf.

16. 16. Seven. Glugnug. Okay, so Typha, you remember that. Oh, yeah, I remember that part. This clan is imprisoned. This clan is imprisoned. In the Warscape Cube.

In the Warscape. Oh. So they got out of the giant super cube. The time war. Oh, right. Maybe. Well, he didn't. Maybe. He's of the same clan. You know the Warscape cube

He didn't get out of nothing. It involved You only heard it in passing. You got over 15, so I'm tossing it your way. The two groups were fighting, Glaffindel and Glugnuk. And what's Glaffindel? You don't know.

In fact, you only know Glugnuk is orc because Bodhi just told you. You're piecing these two things together. Okay. But I would say with that rule, you would say Glafandel sounds vaguely Elvish. Yeah, that was my guess. Well... I tell him I've heard of his clan and...

They're trapped in the War Cube. We have no beef with you. What beef do you have with me? What clan do you hail from? You look a little short for an orc. Did we ever have a name? We had a name for when I was at that town. What was that surf town I was from? Beachtown.

Gluck. I'm from the Gluck clan. He nods. He recognizes it. And he says, I'll tell you what, I'll let you go if you can best me. And he says, I'll tell you what, I'll let you go if you can best me. Oh. And he gets into a very

formal, it's very cheesy, but he gets into a formal invitational stance. Well, let's do this down in the amphitheater. He slings his warhammer over his shoulder and he kind of does one hand and he does the thing with his fingers where he's inviting you to attack first. It's Bruce Lee.

Huh. You know, he's not real. Yeah. You know he's challenging you to a duel and not like a group on one. You get the feeling if more than one person attacks him, something different is going to happen. Oh, no. I think this is a chance for you to fight this guy. God.

Come on. Okay. Get him. It does feel very fort. You feel like this guy might be of another time. What do I think my... But does he look like he's... Does he look like a force ghost?

Or does he look like he's got form? He looks ectoplasmic, like he could definitely hit you in some way. Right, but what's going to happen when I hit him? You don't know, but he looks like Yoda. He looks like a puppet that they kind of green-screened out a little bit. Okay. Yoda in Last Jedi. Make him uh, make him last Jedi. Make him promise.

If you best him that he's got to help us or something like that. Or he, um, when I best you, you, uh, you have to stand by or, or help us very well.

All right. I rage roll for initiative. Bodie. Yeah. He rolled a five. Uh, I rolled a 21 God damn

You get to go 17 times before him What do you do? He's about 30 yards away from you I do You're 30 feet I rush at him In a way that it's clear we're fighting.

The battle is on. Go for it. You can rush to him and attack. I'm going to swing Harold DeKalmar on him. Yeah, your sword lights up. So that's 16. That's a miss. He manages to just kind of tilt to the side,

and Harold DeKalmar just diagonally cuts over his head. I kick him, and then I swing again. Is that kick a real attack? No, no, that times an 18. As you swing back, you do catch part of his arm, and you just see like a poof of blue. Roll for damage. Okay.

Yeah. Ghost damage The worst of damages It's actually not that bad It was ten years ago That I sustained damage Like this It's the anniversary of my damage

Have you shown that to your son yet? What, a large march? A large march Oh Jesus Christ No, I want him to sleep for a few weeks. Rhodes has seen it, because we talked about just effects and stuff. Vera said that she and her sister, her dad, took her to see Pee-wee's Big Adventure. When Large Marge happened, they got really mad at their father for taking them.

After I saw that scene, my brother and I just went, scary stuff is so cool. It was the best. In the theater, it was like nobody knew it was coming. It was such a shriek of life. Did you see Twilight Zone around the same time?

Oh, the rebooted movie. Yeah, because that thing. Oh, that makes me jump. Twelve. Twelve damage? Great. So, yeah, you just go straight through his arm.

I mean, it doesn't seem to cleave his arm off, but you get a really good hit in there. So that'll do. I get one more shot, I thought. Oh, wait, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, you get three when you frenzy. Oh, okay.

Are you going to frenzy? No. Okay. What's the nature of the little grub bugs that I cooked up? Are they like popcorn? Yes. They're like protein-y popcorn. Can I pass those out for everybody to eat while we're watching the fight?

Absolutely. Guys! I get a bonus, don't I? Do I get a bonus, though? You get a plus two fire damage for the time you have. No, but I mean, do I get a half? I don't get another swing, but do I get a bonus though? You get a plus two fire damage for the time you have. No, but I mean, do I get a half? I don't get another swing, but do I get something else? You get a bonus action, yeah, before I attack.

What are you going to do? Would that include a headbutt? No. Unless it's a special barbarian attack, which honestly you should look up. There's a chance you have some bonus action attacks that I'm forgetting. Well, then what I would do is I would get back into another pose.

I would pull some... He did Bruce Lee. I'm going to go Bruce Lee again. You're going to try to get into a defensive stance? Yeah, that kind of... Come on, asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For his first attack, he tries to bring his warhammer down on your head and he misses.

But then you see a series of pin-sized beams come out of the eyes and his head. Do a charisma saving throw. Ooh.

Is that a duel? Oh, no. Nope. What is the... Let's see. Oh, so just a two. I had a one. That's the worst you could do.

I know. You take 21 points of psychic damage. God damn it. And as he does it, he tells you... Ratchazan hath blessed me. All right. I don't know what that fucking means. Yeah, I missed it like three episodes

wrath is an blessed in and ratchets and anybody know what ratchets and is wrath is in uh if you're if you're are you really crying out to everybody like with your turn like yeah i'm crying out to them. Fuck you. Like a little baby. He's asking us if anybody's heard of Reggie. Like a little bitch baby. You're saying, hey. Has anybody heard Reggie? He gave me an owie.

Does anyone know? Yeah, go ahead and do... Anyone who wants to know, including Bodie, you can do a history check. I got an 18. Yeah, squeeze that dice out of here. Yeah.

17. I got a 25. Jeez, nice. Hey, Ken, why don't you... 25? Why don't you, Ken, explain about... Tell us the history of Ratchazan. You know the first part of this, too, Typha,

but guess what, Tom Nettie? You know even more. Ratchazan sounds a little beholder-y to you two. Oh. And you actually recognize Ratchazan as a Beholder that died thousands of years ago. That ain't good. Like a storybook, like lead armies kind of Beholder. Just a class A creep.

One of those weird Beholders who like aligned itself With other beings Did dark magics on them Enslaved them kind of beholders He's got some beholder Um Well should I keep swinging at him till I go insane You cry this out to him Or should I bail or should you guys help me

I don't know How are you feeling I'm gonna keep swinging at guys help me? I don't know. How are you feeling? I'm going to keep swinging on him. Go for it. I think you should go at him a little bit. Ooh! Yep.

Sure enough. Roll your hundreds, baby. That was what they call a botch. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh, no. Speaking of botch 27 great so you just missed the rest of your turn that's it but uh yeah that time when you botch you just overstep and you know you're not going to be able to get another hit so you you you're able to get back in a defensive stance, but you can't swing again. Great.

Critical hit. Fuck this ghost. His Warhammer comes down on your head, and you take 18 points of bludgeoning damage as you feel it at the last second turn as solid as any Warhammer you've ever encountered against your skull. You feel a little dizzy, but you're not affecting your turn. Do a charisma saving throw, please.

Low. Three. Low. Three. Oof. You need to do dice. You take another 13 points of damage. It feels like a laser is just cutting into the side of your head.

He's doing okay, right, guys? He's doing all right. I want to jump in. It's just a little airborne. If we jump in, though, I think it turns into a war. You do know there's a duel happening, so make sure you declare exactly what you're doing. That's what I'm saying. I would like to jump in. He can stop me if he

wants to. You call out to him? Yeah, it's up to him. It's your turn, Bodhi. You hear Tom Nettie say that he will jump in if you need him. Yeah, Bodhi, you hear him call out. You're up. I'm going to swing, but yeah, you can join in. Okay.

Roll initiative, Tom. Was that initiative for me? No, for him. For Tom, roll initiative. What did you roll to hit? 19. 19? Yes. you roll to hit? 19. 19? Yes. That's a hit. Yeah!

You need an 18 to hit this guy. Okay. 14. Damage. As your blade cuts through him, you hear him groan in deep orcish. I'm gonna go again.

Go for it. My vest. Oh, no. Bocce, bo. Oh, no. Roll 100 again. What the F? Two.

Yeah, you're fine. Nothing happens. What did you roll on your initiative, Tom? Eight. Eight? Okay. You're up. You still initiative, Tom? Eight. Eight? Okay. You're up. You still want me in?

Sure. Let's get him. I'll cast Shatter. I had no patience for him when I met him. Let's see if it works against the ghost. Yeah, that's what I'm looking at. 275. Hey, Blaine, what's Ken looking up?

Something brought to you by? Or who's playing Palladinos? Oh, I think Dinah Shore Jr. So two things. One, just basic knowledge. Do you think it might hit a ghost. You're not sure. Okay.

Nice. That was a good joke. And then in addition to that, you know it's going to hit Bodhi. I can't cast past him? No. It's a 10-foot radius sphere, and they're right there on top of each other. From a point. Could he tell me to get the fuck out of the way?

Yeah, it's too late now. Yeah, I mean... All right, then I will try something. You can cast it at a point. So I'm giving you that. Yeah, but it's risky. I'm going to try this then. I mean, he would know to stand out of the way

since he knows I'm attacking, not for that particular attack. That's the thing, he wouldn't know. Yeah, I'm saying like a physical attack. Right. A witch bolt, perhaps. Yes. He'd know to get out of the way.

Yes. A witch bolt's a much more straightforward perhaps. Yes. He'd better get out of the way. Yes. A witch bolt's a much more straightforward attack. 289. So... Blaine. Me chewing and them looking up stuff brought to you by? We haven't done a commercial in forever. I was pretty busy this weekend.

I went down to see, uh... Where in the hell is Eric Carman playing in San Diego? Did you know Eric Carman's still playing? No, I didn't. Where? He's in San Diego someplace. I couldn't find him. I was like, where in the hell is this guy playing?

He was opening for Blues Traveler's Clues. So is that a successful attack? That's a successful attack. All right, 12 points. All right. So you hit this guy with your Witch Bolto lightning, and he turns and looks at you with just so... He looks so insulted.

Sure. He's just like, he grimaces. I fucked up your duel a little bit. He backs away and tries to disengage. He puts his war hammer on his back and he's basically, he backs like 30 feet away from you. He's facing you the whole time,

but he's like, like away from you. He's facing you the whole time, but he's like away from the fight. Well, at least I wrapped things up nicely. Are you okay? Yeah. I need to heal. He starts just like grinding

his teeth, floating backwards up the stairway. All right. You made your point. I have two greater healing potions. Can I give one to him? I just love how much you guys are dismissing what just happened. He's a dick. Yeah. He got in the middle of something he didn't mean to.

He thought, for Christ's sake, he thought it was a monster. We don't run away from monsters. Meanwhile, let's run away from monsters. No, but you definitely will cry out like a little bitch baby if you're being, no, I'm just being a dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Please continue what you were doing. Can I get, what's more healing for him, the mole rat or one of the greater healing potions?

I mean, he's got to stop and eat it. So if you're trying to, I mean. I want to heal him up so we can get out of it. A healing potion is much faster. Let's do that so we can heal him on the go. Okay. Yeah? So I give him one.

I don't know what he rolls for that. You have a greater one too, right? I have two of them. I'm giving him one. Give me some chewing tobacco for your dead eye beater. 44 plus four. So you roll that. That's what you get.

Roll 44 plus four and you're going to get that health back. Whoa. 44 plus four. Yes. Four is plus get. Roll 44 plus 4, and you're going to get that health back. Whoa. 44 plus 4? Yes. Four is plus 4. You're being healed, Brian. 44. In the game of Dungeons and Dragons.

He thought you were going to roll a 48. Two. One. Brian, rolling up is brought to you by Palladino's this weekend. Bob Saget and the Silver Bullet Band. I didn't see that. You know what? They're a lot dirtier than you think they're going to be.

Really? Yeah. You rolled up 12 total. Did you add four to that? No, I will. That's 16. You get back. Okay, cool.

Let me chug this thing. This thing makes it out of the amphitheater and it gets real quiet. Let's haul ass back to the northeast. Let's get out of here. Right?

Yeah. So you guys start booking up. You book up to the edge of it and you see what looks like a mist, a thick mist close to the ground that's very large.

It's sort of slowly rolling towards you from the south. But we're heading away from it. Yeah. Mist, eh? So we should haul ass're heading away from it. Yeah. So we should haul ass and get away from that fucking mist. Scoop. Alright, everybody do an athletics check. Twelve.

Eighteen. Twenty-six. Six. Nice. You make a good pace. You're outpacing this mist a little bit. Jerf trips. Jerf?

There's a lot of headstones and weird little statuettes to kind of run around. Can we get them back up and go? You're doing a little bit of parkour. Well, you're lagging behind, Tom Nettie, so you notice jerf trip and just kind of lag behind you as the rest of your party is just booking it northeast. I'm trying to help Jerf. All right, so do a dexterity check.

Pass. It's going to be good. You're the right person for the job. Where am I? Yeah. Thirteen. So you get him up, but it takes a second. And he's freaking out because he's looking

over his shoulder as you pick him up and he's like, look at the mist. Look at the mist. Look at the mist, though. Look at the mist. What do you mean just the mist's like, look at the mist. Look at the mist. Look at the mist though. Look at the mist. What do you mean just the mist? It's not just the mist. You look just for a second at the mist. Just

for like a minute and you see just the faces of orcs. A lot of orc ghosts. And much closer. Like, you know, of orcs. Right. A lot of orc ghosts. Yeah. And much closer. Like, you know,

less than 100 feet away. You see what looks like a tiefling mage ghost with the same sort of eye

deformity on its head booking towards you. And we're going to call it there, you guys.

Man. Good bleep. Was that 41? Yeah. Yes, sir. That was episode 41 of Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening. Douglas Adams Eve. Anything you want to plug? No.

What about our T-shirts and all that stuff? Yeah, man. Go to nearmintmerch.com slash nerdpoker. Also, I guess, let me check my phone. There's like a Bodhi shirt. Is there any other character shirts coming? Have we talked about that? I've suggested a couple and not heard back from you about it.

We should talk about that. We should do. Who do people want to see the most? There is a Nug Nug design that has been proposed. I'm trying to see if we can get an all-cast character shirt from our friend Sean Bryant. We should do one with everybody. Sean Bryant really nailed what you guys look like.

Right, but he should do one with the whole group. Yeah. Do we want people to tweet about the show and go to our Instagram? Yeah, we sure do. Yeah. Please do. Go to NerdPoker's Instagram. Sarah's been helping out with it. It's been

more active lately. Also, I guess I have a show I'm headlining Flappers on November 21st. You guess. So if you want to see me do like a little longer set. Will this be up before then? Yeah, two days before. So if you're in LA, I mean, come check me out Wednesday, 21st of November.

Bring your dice and toss them up to Dan during the set. No, don't do that. Oh, don't? As hard as you can. Buy my book, Forever Nerdy, for any nerd in your family or for your own face to read it with. Oh, and I just saw one more thing. I'm starting a monthly show at the Lyric Hyperion. So my friend Taya Lux and I are starting.

It's just a stand-up show yeah yeah yeah it's gonna be a lot of fun so please look up the filling I'll be posting about it on social media and I'm touring as you know I'm the front man of the killers say yes we're touring all over a song happy sunshine man I don't know any of this stuff okay Oh, okay. But we're touring all over the place. You don't know any of the songs? No, no. One's called Mr. Brightside, right?

Mm-hmm. That's what I was trying to think of. I get always confused with Mr. Brownstone. Have you performed with them yet? Yeah, all the time. Oh. Do you get hit over the head every time you walk off stage?

I have the lyrics tattooed on myself. Oh, brilliant. And I do one of those memento things. But anyway, I'm going to be touring with the Killers. One of those memento things. I'm going to be with the Killers. We're touring all over Europe, and we're doing some South African dates. Are there mirrors on stage so you can see the lyrics off of your body?

Is that how it works? Well, they're... Dang! Hold on, let me check my arm here. Yes, they're on there backwards so that I can see them. I guess I had them tattooed on there backwards. Nice.

But it's great. I mean, all the lyrics are there, but, you know, it's... Oh, before I forget, I'm going to be fronting the killers as we're touring. We're doing Europe and some South African days. So come watch me front the Killers.

It's me, Brandon Flowers. Does Lucha have a holiday show? I don't think they do. Let me check my leg. No, they don't have it. I think the next one is Valentine's Day. But by then I'll be done.

I'm going out with the killers. When on the calendar does this bit end? We're done. Everyone run away from the table. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. Oh! Spin the clock! I'm out of here.