Nerd Poker - Episode 43 - Juggernaughty By Nature

Episode Date: November 12, 2019

It's time to settle into Dame Island, where the Ice Five are already apparently regarded as heroes. But what's this? There's some kind of envoy being sent because the Path of the Vaunted Tusk is still whiney about that whole Time Boat kerfuffle? Surely that will only take a moment to address, and it's back to enjoying the spoils of pirate clandom!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode 43. My friends are here. Hello, Chris. Hello, Brian. Sarah. Hello, Brian. I are here. Hello, Chris. Hello, Brian. Sarah. Hello, Brian. I'm here.

Dan. Hello, Brian. Blaine, don't be weird. Don't you dare. Hello, Brian. Hey, Blaine. At the end of the table, Sam. Hi, everyone. Hey, Sam. Hi, Brian. At the end of the table, Sam. Hi, everyone.

Hey, Sam. Hi, guys. How are you doing? I'm good. We got... Do you want to tell the story? Hello, Brian. First of all, I mentioned...

Who's that? I thought I did everybody. Who just yelled at me? Hello, Brian. Who is this? Hello, Brian. Oh, God. I thought I did everybody who just yelled at me hello Brian who is this hello Brian can we do what we're gonna do or does this bit have a

hello Brian did you really think by giving Blaine the opportunity to give this character depth that was going to go in any particular direction that the bit might have a little bit of a twist. Nope. I went on to... That is the twist.

Hello, Brian. Okay. What happened, Dan? I'll tell you what happened. I went and did a bunch of shows. And so before I get to the crazy, crazy shit, I want to thank a couple of people. I want to thank Sergeant Hatred in Portland who gave me

a couple bucks. A woman named Sergeant Hatred based off of the Venture Brothers character, which she was going as Halloween. And when she gave me a couple bucks for the show, I was like, what's your name? And she went, write Sergeant Hatred on there and walked away. It was really funny.

I also want to thank the dog who gave me some money and said he wrote on it, for use in TikToks, Nick and Nick, Brick-a-brack, Clockshack. A dog gave it to you? The Dog is what he wrote his name. Oh, The Dog. Like the dude.

Not the band, That Dog. Roll it on. I got to... Remember, you got to start running around in a car. Run, run, run, run, run. I have a verse for you guys on it. Run, run, run, run, run. And now we wait for the bottom of that joke and it's gone so

uh in santa barbara a gentleman by the name of preston snow came up to me with a bright red toolbox full of swag for the show now i'm not going to reveal the bottom of it because it includes a bunch of monsters who are primed and unpainted, and I could potentially use on the show to murder all of you. It's very nice. There's a lot of stuff in there. And there's a gold-painted turtle. Does one of you want to read what the note says attached to the statue? Ken, would you be so kind as to say what the gold-painted turtle says on its note?

Sarah didn't want to. How dare you? I never met this guy. It's the Golden Nug Nug Award for most needless escalation of a situation. You want to hear when Tom Lennon came? Oh, those were fun. That's the only reason.

See, I'm trying to be polite. He also gave me a couple of... Assholes. That's a justified calling of asshole. You put her on the spot. I definitely did. Chris did first. Don't worry worry she just got that award that's right she was only the person physically closest to her i stayed at the golden nug nug when i was in vegas he painted a couple but also he gave us personalized little boxes i got a note before you leave uh he do you want to do you want to do the

so he he gave us a letter for everyone that Brian's going to read. And then we got individual gifts that we're going to go through. Brian's reading the letter first? Yes, Brian's reading the letter first. Dear NerdPoker, I first off want to thank all of your... Back to one, everybody! We're still rolling!

I first off want to thank all of you for all of the fantastic hours of D&D adventuring content that you've provided over the years. I've been listening since the first episode and was beyond excited when I realized the podcast had come back. Listening to this show has been an amazing amount of fun and really makes the workday go by so much quicker. In addition to the toolbox full of miniatures that I gave Dan to kill your characters with, each of you has a small token of my appreciation for all the laughs. In order to purge all of the bad luck from these fickle instruments of fate, I've had them each blessed by a priest, a rabbi, an imam,

and placed them in front of an idol of Jobu from the film Major League. Feel free to open these in any order, but make sure that you read the attached note first and make sure that Sam opens his last, otherwise a joke won't land properly. Here's hoping to many more adventures, keep kicking ass, and hail Satan. Sincerely, Preston Snow, 1018.

All right, Blaine, what does your note say? My note... My note says, Dear Blaine, Thank you for all the dead air filling commercials, obscure references, and amazing moments that your characters have been a part of. Parentheses, killing the shit out of Thogus the Beholder,

that innocent kid, the fraud that swallowed Halcine. The list goes on that fucking kid. Okay, brackets open package. Here I am. We don't have to read all the letters. That's a Brazilian wandering spider. Thank you, Preston Snow, but we are going to refrain from

spending the whole hour reading every single one of your letters. He was insanely generous. It's a little wooden chest. It's a really cool wooden box. It's got a thing here on the top, a painted thing on the top. A little clasp. Oh, Jesus.

This is really cool. Oh! It's like a glow-in-the-dark dice. Brian, you want to open yours? Oh, check it out. It says, I hope the included Opalite D20 is used for further improbable acts of heroism and badassery. The color blue went against the dark background.

Orange pink went held up to the light. Minds you of your wild magic power currently surging through Dr. Ewitt's body. Oh, he's also composed a quick song. Can I do this, Dan? Sure. Oh, nerd poker crew, you guys are the worst. Always forgetting the rules and your bonus to hit. You've played this game for so many years.

How are you all still so shh? Be nice and clean. Share every day. You'll always look good. Hey, Brian, you got some compliments on yours you want to share? Yeah, so everybody get it open and ready to go, and then this will go quicker. And then we read the notes.

Dear Brian, thank you for putting together an amazing podcast with all these incredibly talented and hilarious people. I must admit that the ignominious end of Amarthamon still brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye open package reading the stage direction I know it's like the Muppet Show all of a sudden or box classes downstairs dice that this dice is fucking gorg yeah absolutely box you can put your weed in it. Yes, I can. Oh, wow. Yeah, you're right. Oh, yeah, that's cool.

Wow. Black on black. It's like an obsidian. It's roslew's in black. He says, I hope the included raised obsidian D20 serves you well. That the numbers on it are as obscure and hard to understand as one of

Blaine's Ruth Buzzy jokes. Full disclosure, I don't really know who Ruth Buzzy is, it seems like. Hey, look it up in your Funkin' Wagnalls. Mine opens up. He says, thank you for all the hours of adventure and misadventure you have subjected the rest of the crew to over the last three seasons of Nerd Poker. He says, nice compliments

that I'm going to skip because it feels self-aggrandizing. And he says, open package. Oh, I'm not supposed to read that. I'm supposed to do it. My little wooden chest has teeth, you guys. Oh! It's a mimic. And there's a dice inside that as well. It says,

sorry about the teeth, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity. I mean, how often is it that the DM is surprised by a mimic? Please use the included aluminum D20 to kill someone's character. So it's metal, but very light. It's fun to roll. Anyone else wants to roll it? These are all really cool. And the boxes.

And your boxes have different symbols. Mine is a torch. Mine had two swords. We'll take some photos. What's yours, Blaine? Mine's opalite. No, but what's on the box? Oh, it's like a druidic leaf, maybe?

Yes, it looks like some kind of... Yeah, like a leaf, a druidic leaf. All right, it says, Dear Ken, thank you for routinely making some of the most hilarious oddball characters in the podcast. Your Vin Diesel voice and quips, creeps, quisp. Great cereal. Creeps, interspersed, cawing and squawking battle cries.

And I'm not going to say open. Open package. I have a feather on mine. Oh, because you're bird. Right? You got him right. You guys need dice. Beautiful, sparkly.

I hope they included blue sandstone D20. Aids in your adventures. Sparkling reminds you of the night skies above Creep's ancestral roost high in the mountains. And the darkness reminds you of the fact that Creep is basically blind in one eye because he shot himself in the face with his crossbow. Thank you so much. And now that'll remind you of when you were blind

because you just healed your eyeball. Well, maybe I'll shoot myself in the eye again. How did your box get teeth? That's so cool. It is. Hi, Brian, I love you. I just met you, but okay. Hey, Sarah, how's your note looking?

Mine looks great. And it says something along the lines of, thank you for routinely being the voice of reason and restraint within the party. Thank you. More nice things about how I'm momentum-y and then, until the eventual combination of frustration and low blood sugar

from a lack of sweet heat Skittles forces you into full-blown murder mode. Blowing up in that son-of-a-bitch Havoculus neck with a well-placed spell was an blowing up in that son of a bitch of oculus neck with a well-placed spell was an amazing moment the podcast open package um i already did it so um and it's awesome uh it's a lapis lazuli lapis lazuli uh d20 uh rose and fires you to greater acts of heroism and daring do and that the deep blue reminds halcine of her connection to the storm-tossed waves of valkyr and of oculus entrails scattered across the snowy forest uh, Rosen fires you to greater acts of heroism and daring do. And that the deep blue reminds how scene of her connection to the storm

tossed waves of Valkyr and have Oculus and trails scattered across the snowy forest. Wow. Ooh, that's pretty. Wow. Nice. Yeah.

Nuts. Yeah. They're gorgeous. Yay. Uh, my note is really awesome. It, he talks about that.

He liked, uh, Typha becoming a character. And he says some nice things about tech talk, including his ability to alternatively annoy and win over dark there which i enjoy uh and then the die he gave me is uh i would tell him about what's on your box too oh it's a it's an awesome gear because i'm a mechanical man um billy is too billy uh it's a raised hematite or hematite and i pronounce pronounce oh wow it's beautiful it's like this sort of matte metallic wow it's really it's heavy so now do i my box first read the note first all right dear sam thank you for

being an amazing engineer and straight man to this motley crew of weirdos your recaps are great punch lines at the end of episodes and i only wish you'd started doing them earlier i don't really know what goes into an engineering a podcast, especially in someone's dining room, but the lack of technical problems and the amount of polish that the show has are a rare testament to your skills. My box has a

dad and a heart. Hold on. Ooh, a very shiny shiny fancy purple one and it says I hope the included amethyst d20 serves Terry well in the future because Lord knows he needs it if he's ever going to get custody of his kids

I hope the pink purple color reminds you of the color of your hair you had for a while or the pink half of Terry's DUI ticket PS Ruth Buzzy is an American hair you had for a while or the pink half of Terry's D. U. I. Ticket o P. S. Ruth Buzzi is an American actress, comedian and singer best known for her performances and the comedy variety show rowing and Martin's laughing from nineteen, sixty eight to nineteen, seventy three. Preston snow

you guys. Thank you so glad we read them all. I am a yeah yeah yeah. You bet your sweet bippy. The inside of the boxes are leather, too. They're really good. They're ridiculous. Yeah, they're all hand-carved symbols. Thanks so much, Preston. Thank you for coming to my stand-up show and freaking my comedian friends out

with the giant toolbox you handed me after. It was ridiculous. Yeah, we had it sitting in a bucket of water for about three days. It was fun. I drove back from Santa Barbara with my friend Liz Royce, and she was just like, but Dan, you know you were given a giant metal box after a shit,

like I didn't even have the ability to process it. It was crazy. Speaking of crazy, you know what was crazy? What happened? Last time on Nerd Poker, our heroes not only defeated some fishy folk but then they went into dame island in search of some answers about why their boat was the way it was and also what exactly went down with the beholder that had taken over dame island they met the new local lord Husterbus,

got a big meal, and then when they tried to go to Betty Bytimes, they met Venus, the creepy-ass death kiss beholder thing, who gave him some tokens and let him know the Ice Five are now considered

across Clottenheim a pirate clan so uh venus is sort of floating in your bedroom it's late you kind of want to go to bed he's giving you that vibe of like is he going to play you a song on the guitar make you want to leave the party what's going on he's just kind of seems a little needy

but uh yeah uh he's just giving you the tokens and you've sort of tentatively agreed that the mother brain can represent you as part of the ice five. So. Let's go to sleep. We got to rest.

Venus, we have to rest up. In the morning, we're expecting, so as I said, some evil emissaries. Perhaps if you want to hang out, I know you want to sort of remain hidden. I don't really want to hang out, know you want to sort of remain hidden uh i don't really want to hang out honestly oh then never mind i'd like to get out of here all right unless i can sleep in your room with you well i'll be standing watch is anyone is are people comfortable with that do you want to see if you hang i snuck in this building and no one knows i'm here he can hang

out you can hang here we're just gonna mean, aren't we now allied with him? Yeah. I'm looking... Wait for the evil people. You can drink their blood. Have a look at him. Yeah, but couldn't that be very... He's beautiful.

He's going to sleep in the room with us? He eats evil people. Don't we want something like that? He's like an awesome guard dog. Well, especially because those fish bastards that you wanted to murder so bad are coming back tomorrow morning. As if to reassure you,

you see him kind of fold his arms up over himself. So he just looks like a ball. You can barely see that he even has appendages. Oh, that's much less creepy. And then, yeah, he shuts his eye and he just sort of floats up in the corner and he just sort of sits there in the shadows like a little floating orb.

It's relaxing. He's a baby beholder. He's a single member of the residence. He does say, yeah, he's only a few days old but he's been trailing you down the river. Top hat. He floats over there. You're going to go to sleepy times. I'll stay.

Do you want to do one more? You're doing full rest now so they've learned their spells for one four hour. You're going to do two more. Two more perception checks and I'll give you the read on both of them cool 22 you hear lots of noise down the hall it just sounds like there's someone talking and there's just hustling and bustling all night um this goes on for a full four hours is it sounding like pounding on doors or more? Okay. It's busy work. Drunks. That's what's going on.

Okay. Roll for the next four hours. Natural 20 plus five. Hot damn. All right. So you definitely hear talk of an envoy coming. It's difficult to hear. If you want, you can go check it out.

But they're making preparations as everyone kind of sleeps in and hits the snooze alarm and tries to regain all their health. As soon as we get to everybody's fully rested i will wake them up because we we need to be up and running but they got to get their rest yeah the full rest is going to come around uh nine in the morning great um at this point you you you've definitely heard a couple people sort of walk by the room and kind of pace back and forth as if waiting to see if you guys are awake but it's quiet so he doesn't bother you okay so i will wake them up and sort of say the envoy is coming if if not already here. They are ready for us, so we're going to go right into it.

Do you want to, Venus, do you want to? He wakes up immediately when you address him. Yeah, you need to, like, hide. I'm pretty good at slinking around. Okay, so. I'd like to, you know, kind of separate myself from you guys and not have to talk to anybody. I think if you, are you, can you breathe in the water?

Are you a water friendly? For a little while I can hold my breath. Sure. Well, I'm just saying, you know, if the other humans who are not with us normally see you, they might freak out. But if you sort of attack more from the water, you might be able to really have a feast. I'll tell you what, I'm going to go hover by the boat, the time boat. That's it. I'll kind of scout around the boat with your go hover by the boat, the time boat. That's it.

I'll kind of scout around the boat with your other guys if you want to maybe. Can you let him know not to murder me? Will do. I will relay that to Gus and tell him to tell Hoshinko. Hey, boss. Hey, boss, listen.

Crazy monster murder coming your way, but it's a friend. His name is Venus. He is a white and red beholder with sea tentacles. He's got a high-pitched voice. He knows that you know he's coming. I'm adding it to Gus's log of things not to kill Venus.

Share this with Hoshinka. Top priority. Do you want me to tell Hoshinka my whole list? No, just about Venus. Okay. I've got things about Hoshinka on my list. Really? Uh-huh.

Later. Okay. Okay. Whatever you want, boss. boss we're gonna have to do something about that troubling to say the least uh all right so you're gonna head down to what like the main room that you ate dinner in last night yeah okay so when you go down there yeah there's a lot of guards whole lot of guards all sort of lined up along the sides of the room. And, you know, Lord Husterbus waves at you, runs over to you and says, hey, so if you guys could maybe just line up on a wall kind of in the back a little bit and I'll call you over. I'm not sure how formal this is going to be, but they're pissed.

I'm not sure how formal this is going to be, but they're pissed. We got a letter from one of the fish folk, hand-delivered it, just sort of stared at us all creepy. It sounds like the envoy is only going to consist of one being, and it's one of their juggernauts. Kind of unpleasant to look at these things. So they're obviously presenting a juggernaut as a show of strength. Probably not going to attack

because it's just one of them. But these guys are creatures of war. So it's not, you know, going to be fun. I recommend you don't piss them off. Does that make sense, you guys? Am I talking, you know, like in be fun. I recommend you don't piss them off. Does that make sense, you guys? Am I talking, you know, like in a way you get like, they're nervous.

I'm nervous. Sure. We'll see what happens. Okay. You know, the Halstein told everybody that the mayor of Bozar had sexual problems. I'm just saying, you have less to worry about

than that guy. You are misremembering that story quite a bit. The saying, take a breath. He pauses and he thinks for a second and he's like, um... I do remember hearing some rumors about how the mayor of Bozor is a little strange.

Yeah, Halsey had his sex problems to everybody. Kind of like a shy guy is what I'm told. He said it. He's a doctor, right? You made him say it or something. He was in Zone of Truth and he volunteered information about his sexual history. He volunteered after you used Magical Truth Serum on him. It doesn't make you have to talk, right?

He just volunteered it. And it wasn't even bad. He just said that he'd had sex with one woman and she wasn't satisfied satisfied i think he was bad at sex anyway we're telling everybody here now and that's your fault so well uh don't cast zone of truth on me if you'd be so kind i really appreciate especially now during this envoy i'd really love to not share with this juggernaut my sexual prowess i did well you got something weird hidden kind of sighs sighs deeply. Don't really want to know what you're talking about. Is the juggernaut humanoid? No.

Oh, damn it. I'll see him cast Zone of Truth on this guy. He'll know if you cast Zone of Truth on him, yeah. That was preparing for the non-humanoid. All right, let's do it. All right, you back up against this wall um and guards stand on either side of you and there's a door right behind you so you don't feel like you're being trapped or anything i was gonna say does it feel like he's handing us is there anywhere else to stand yeah

i don't like being against the wall tell you what uh just for the sake of organizing i think it might be a good idea if all you guys took your minis off the boat, I set Timeboat aside and we use this to sort of represent the main hall. See you later, Timeboat. Bye, Brian! Oh my god, an answer! Brian! We were both eager to be his voice. Alright, why don't you guys

use that back corner where Halcine is as where you guys are lined up. Yeah, use that wall. And I'm going to be doing the old rifling through my bags nonsense. So feel free to cover for me at any point while I at least vaguely narrate what's happening. So there's going to be...

I'm just going to put a mini down for the mayor right now. I'm not going to flesh it all out with all the cards. He just puts a cheeseburger on there with a sash on it that says mayor. As we walk towards the back wall, I would say to all these guys, we should spread out. We should not be in the same spot. Is that right? Anybody who doesn't have range stuff should be a little closer.

But this is a danger. Noted. but we should like this is a danger all right all right noted um when you express this to the guards that you kind of want to spread out they nod seem to understand what you're getting at uh why don't you pick where you want to be i'll say right here where the golden turtle is just because he's functionally perfect uh he's where the door is. There's a big sort of 30-foot-tall wooden gate to the Viridian Keep right there. Yeah, that's good. Cool. So this guy I'm just going to use to represent the mayor. He's kind of not what the mayor looks like at all,

but I'm just going to put him there. The real mayor looks like a cheeseburger with a sash. They really should offer that at McDonald's with the sash cheeseburger with a sash. I'd get that every time. It's a demon mini that I have super sash me in my inventory wearing Thor colors though. He is.

They got the sash from puffin stuff. So a couple of minutes go by and everyone's just really impatient and you start to just you all feel it. This sort of this like booming footfall coming your way.

The doors eventually creak open and I don't have a mini for this yet, but let's just say it's in the works should we need one uh i can use a substitute miniature um this thing walks in and i'm going to pass around some concept art that sean bryant did of this thing but uh note it is very large and i just need one second do do do and you can all look at this amazing sketch by sean dan looking up this sketch is brought to you by bathrobes keep your dick from touching the cold sink with a bathrobe jesus christ i gotta say that is creepier and funnier than anything i could produce as a dungeon master so a dungeon master this isn't the armor this guy is wearing he's not even carrying a sword

but that's how big he is and that's what he generally looks like so this thing stomps in through the 30 foot tall double wooden door it is one of the tusk folk and he has that sort of creepy shark like smile with the sharp teeth he has six

golden eyes. And it's very unsettling to look at. You guys immediately feel like this thing should not be on land. His skin and his armor is wet, like he just walked out of the water.

Does he have legs? He does. So isn't he humanoid? Sort of, but he is so gigantic that it doesn't represent what we would call a normal sentient race. I asked for spell reasons. Is he more like a giant? He's more like a giant. He's like the size of Hag that you fought.

But isn't a giant humanoid? I guess I don't know the definition of humanoid. It does get a little tricky. I'm actually going to double check that very rule. It's tough. He's also got kind of. So. It counts.

Goodness. I mean, he's a he's a custom creature. I'm going to say he is not a humanoid just because humanoid typically means um it's a size thing too i think you know like like a storm giant for instance is qualified as a giant not a humanoid even though it is the same proportions okay um i guess i'll make it contextual it depends on the spell uh do you want to ask me now? And we'll just, we'll pause the physical action so we can discuss this particular rule that I do think people will find interesting.

Calm emotions, I was going to try. All right, I'll look that up. So folks, calm emotions. You attempt to suppress strong emotions in a group of people. Each humanoid in a 20-foot radius sphere centered on a point must make a charisma saving throw i'll say yeah uh i will allow him to um be affected but he is going to roll with advantage against it he doesn't necessarily have like an

amazing charisma bonus but he's going to be able to resist a spell that would normally affect a creature so uh he at this point is going to get right about here and yeah he's he's very very very tall um and and i want to describe him just a little bit more so the one you got in the concept art i showed that i'll i'll share with people like he's wearing kind of barbarian armor this one is not this one is wearing heavy like gold plated kind of scored and scarred metal armor and he's got what looks like a giant drum around his stomach that's built into his armor um it has three valves on top of it one giant one and two on other sides and it almost looks like a baby bjorn the way it's built sort of into his chest and stomach and he's sort of into his his chest and stomach and he's

sort of waddling back and forth as he's just like like walking into the middle of the room can i tell from looking is that his breathing is that that chest and those do an insight check uh 20 no it's not as breathing you you see like his his general biology and it reminds you that when you looked at the tusk folk guy who jumped on your boat he had a blowhole like a marine mammal and so he probably breathes air and and what so what is that thing? It looks bad. Like a bomb? With that insight check. Like a bomb? That's certainly in the category of bad. Who's closest to me?

I would kind of make eye contact. Dr. Ud is closest. Dr. Ud's closest. I would kind of look at... I'll even use one of the minis that Preston gave me. Can I throw up a detect magic and see what's going on? See if this guy is radiating anything in particular.

That's not what he looks like, but we're going to sub in that hook horror that Preston made us. Yeah, when you throw up detect magic, you don't detect any magic off of this guy. So he's just a natural Hulk that's going to kill us. Is he going to talk at all? Well, he gets right up to like, and the mayor, you know,

kind of like gets, he tries to hold his ground, but you can tell he's not really experienced in diplomacy. He kind of waves some guards over and the guards are kind of like, no, no, no, no, no. Like we're not going to stand next to you. Like they have to kind of like, you see, you see a row of guards kind of basically send him hand signals. Like, no, if we come close to you, it row of guards kind of basically send him hand signals like no if we

come close to you it will be an act of hostility and you see uh lord huster bus kind of go like okay like kind of nod there's a lot of uncomfortable body language it's it's in his face right now you feel like speaking might be about to happen all right what do you want to ask nothing it's too late um he kind of like plants his haunches a little bit so this giant barrel can kind of rest on the ground and he immediately puts a hand on two of the valves and turns them and can i cast call emotions uh-huh okay it's a charisma saving throw you say um yeah and this is as he's putting the hands on his side i see him moving at all and not talking my idea was just to see if he was going to say anything but once i see that he's

not um 16 he has a negative two to charisma but he still rolled an 18 with advantage okay so um i'm gonna look at that spell real quick there's no there's no like half okay well no but i was looking to see if uh he he can tell if it's been cast on him you know i'm gonna say he's so uh he's so large he just doesn't even acknowledge it um you see him put his big sort of mitts on the main valve kind of threateningly and presses down on it like he's about to turn it and then lord hustler bus starts trying to say something and he's like stammering he can't really uh it takes him like 30 seconds of just trying to get his words together uh yeah yeah oh very good impression um he says well listen uh bartering has all and trade has always been a part of our agreement we would like

to continue that if there is anything we can do to earn the trust back. Hey, the folks who disrespected you might want to apologize. Hey, anyone want to come? Ice Five, anyone want to join me up here? Yeah, I go up there. Okay, so you plant yourself next to the mayor. Hey, regret, that's a part of life right segue segue segue uh i'll i'll join okay so so we want to bring dark through up there everybody yeah we kind of motion everybody like

yeah this thing like sort of like cranes its giant head at you it's it's uh its eyes are moving in weird patterns it wasn't as noticeable with the smaller one, but you can tell it's scanning the room with all six of its eyes, so they're always pointing in different directions. What do you want to say? I'll start, I guess. No, I mean, I have some ideas. Oh, you do?

You can knock yourself out. I was going to try to strike a conciliatory. I love that you guys beat me to this monster. I really was working on this. No, I'm not contentious at all with him. I would say that it was a misunderstanding. I don't know if he heard the whole story, but we both understood.

Both parties thought that we had claim to this boat and neither one of us would move. And unfortunately, they attacked us and they periled and we feel bad and would like to make it up to you. We require diamonds and fealty. diamonds and fealty. Present diamonds and kneel.

Do we have diamonds? You see Husterbus call the scribe over and start whispering. Can I just sing Sweet Caroline if you need kneeling and diamonds?

We'll be right back. It's the dumbest thing that's ever made me laugh. That's the song, too. Sweet Caroline. I'm sorry, was someone else about to say something? Turn on your hard light. Diamonds are negotiable. We do not swear fealty to anyone but uh you can have your diamonds and certainly uh our at this point hustler bus like interrupts you and says the people of dame island

swear fealty though don't we and they and like he all the guards kind of like start like grimacing and he's like he he kneels and he's like i'm so sorry i'm very sorry the scribe runs away um this my assistant is bringing diamonds we will have diamonds any moment um do you guys get a no that's fine i kind of like look at him with a little bit of judgment. He can do whatever he wants. We're not. Okay, none of you are following. We're not really citizens of the town here. So as the little scribe guy kind of shuffles back in the room and you see he's got a pouch,

the big tusk guy just kind of walks up to you two. And he leans in really close and says, what will you offer in place of fealty? Extra diamonds? If you ever needed us to fight alongside you against another

common enemy, we would help you. You've seen that we actually kick ass when we want to. Do a persuasion check. I'll let you roll with advantage because you went up there with Helsene, and you're both standing against him. Persuasion? Uh-huh.

15. Persuasion 15 He like sighs deeply And you just hear this Like come out of his blowhole Give me a token Of our agreement What

We have tokens Don't we Darkfair These guys are very evil The assistant hands the pouch over and the guy I'm actually gonna fucking do any of this I'm just trying to get out of this situation don't say it out loud

the lord huster bus says he like rifles through the pouch and holds it up and says here 10 diamonds we have 10 diamonds and it just makes this deep guttural groan and says more diamonds and it just makes this deep guttural groan and says more diamonds and a token of the ice fives fealty

but not we've said then of our agreement whatever you small folk call it we don't have an agreement that we there's no agreement do a persuasion check should one of us swing by like robin's brothers and

resisting the agreement means the dc on this is going to be higher i'll tell you right now you need to roll an 18 or higher you needed a 15 before yeah why don't we you roll with advantage like why can't we do a bullshit agreement that we don't really well because i mean if we just got these tokens to like indicate our our client or whatever they are now, and if we start just giving them out to evil dudes, then we're basically essentially being. What token were we giving? I thought we were looking for gold or something.

Oh, I think the coins that we just got that indicate that, like. You have these little, you have just a small amount of them, but. Well, you can give them gold instead. Yeah, they're saying not specifically this token. They're saying not specifically this token. They're saying any kind of token to indicate that we will go assist them. Right. I mean, I guess how scene would feel.

What are our lives worth? If we break our word, would she ask this guy or do you want to do an insight check? Cause I'll let you, you can, you can either, what was your persuasion? What was your persuasion what was your

persuasion role when you told him you weren't so sure uh the 16 i think it was a total my second yeah i mean he just sort of like clacks his sharp teeth together uh do you want to do an insight check about what it feels like he wants sure 14 he definitely wants some sort of either violent favor or possession. Sure, we got to get some cool stuff. Right? That we don't care about that much? He places both his mitts on the large valve in the center of his large armored drum that is connected to his body. in the center of his large armored drum that is connected to his body.

And he says, Tell me what our agreement is and how many more diamonds you can provide. I don't have the diamonds. Who has the diamonds? What are you using your diamonds for, if you don't mind me asking? Magic. Oh, interesting. What do you do with your magic?

I won't make you do another roll. He just straight up tells you the Deep Holy has plans for Clottenheim. That sounds ominous. Do they involve the Tenebrous One? They involve the destruction of the Tenebrous One and the invaders of our world.

Oh, interesting. And then what? A return to peace. Hey, we want that too. What more will you give me to convince me? Hey, did we leave that thing that we were pushing around? I'm not going to give it to him, but remember that thing that you got from the... I would say that thing is so big, you would leave it on the boat.

You would carry it with you when making nomadic travel, but through town, it's very inconspicuous. I found a locket. Yeah, what about this pirate trade map that we have, guys? Do you want to give that up? They might appreciate that it's got like treasure marked on it or something we've got a lot to do i don't know if you do have a pirate trade route map yeah do an insight check on the pirate trade map if you want you can do an insight check on anything you might want to trade uh 17 i think to the right people especially seafaring folk that would would be incredibly valuable. I thought that might be.

But we need a copy of that. We can't just... Well, I don't know what to do about that then. Anyone else have any ideas? I said I have a locket. I have three rings. You guys got all the jewels. I still need more diamonds.

The path requires them. I mean, we could, but we could try, but I feel like... All right, well. What was Blaine saying? Blaine's suggesting that we murder this thing. Yeah, I'm kind of getting a little tired of the diamonds thing. Hey, what's your plan to defeat the Tenebrous one?

I don't think we can defeat this thing. It's fucking huge. We will drag forth our beast from the depths. We will pierce his smoky flesh and we will annihilate him from our plane and the plane from which he hails, Gehenna.

From your plane? From our plane. You are from Ge he hails, Gehenna. From your plane? From our plane. You are from Gehenna as well. He looks at you, actually, as you start calling attention to planes. He says, my plane, their plane, and your plane, mechanical one. Gehenna. You are not from Gehenna. Are you, boy?

You are not from this plane. This is Gehenna? I know where you come from and your invading forces. Where am I from? Do you negotiate for the army to the south? Do they normally negotiate with the likes of you? Normally, we break them in half in our teeth and strew their corpses across the ocean.

Well, that's not a great tactic. You're not going to get a lot. Works great for me. Yeah, what's in your drum? I will destroy you. Is that like a beer? I don't get it. Hey, did you hear what happened to Dratlana?

He stares at you. Just asking if you heard the goss around town. Do an intimidation check. It was more to make him think about Mother Brain, who I know has, but yes, sure. I'm not very, oh, natural 20. I'm not very into who I know has, but yes, sure. Okay.

I'm not very into, oh, natural 20. Oh! So he kind of like shows his teeth for a second, and then he shows his teeth for like too long, and then it becomes clear like he's trying to bluff you and it's not working, and he kind of like shakes his head, and he closes his mouth, and he says, I will die here today if things go poorly, but so will you and so will many more.

Give me my gift to bring back to my people or I will bring death upon this building and rain its rocks down upon the floor. You will be but blood mixed in rubble in but an instant. Don't you want to go back to your people and be a big hero? You get the feeling he is right about to flip a bomb. It seems pretty clear. Let's not fuck with the bomb.

Do we have any gold? Do we have anything? Sure, we have gold. We have diamonds, too. You guys all have diamonds. Everyone has diamonds. I do not. I think we should just say, look, we'll give you diamonds. How many diamonds? I don't know how many everybody has.

I would say between you and Darkthor, he's only really acknowledging you and to an extent TikTok,ck who's kind of hanging out in the corner looking i think i spent all my diamonds because i don't have oh hey darks how many you got i did have i used mine for things right were you keeping track of diamonds i do not know because i never had them oh yeah you didn't i was just keeping track of gold five diamonds or something at the beginning guys yeah jewel everybody got jewels and diamonds and gold and i'll say too you feel like you bought a second with that intimidation roll he's he's his hands are now just hovering over the lever it looked like he was about to flip so he was about to set the bomb off and now he's kind of like looking around the room waiting for someone else to impress him because his ego kind of got shrunk a little bit i don't remember spending any diamonds yeah so unless we pulled them i i know

you spent some and it sounds like halcyon may have been i'll say i'll say if we all had five that i would have three did we all have me too yeah yeah okay so why don't we offer him we definitely used some of these diamonds before, but let's say... How many did the guy give him? Ten. Ten? That's for the whole town, right?

Mm-hmm. Okay, so we're like, we will give you four diamonds. And... And a cheerful wave as you go back to your people. Yes. And we will tell everyone...

I need a token of our so-called friendship to take back to my people. That's what the everyone i need a token of our so-called friendship to take back that's what the diamonds are that will fuel the magic i want a binding item we don't have anything to promise we're not promising anything i will pull out the knife that i took from the mariska we all have uh-huh and i will like holding it so it's not a weapon like I'm not coming in I'm holding it as an offering he snorts like it's nothing to him he wants us to promise to what to defend them or to help them

he wants you either yeah to promise you'll go to war with them or do a mission or we will help you defeat the Tenebris one and we can commit to that right guys of course yes that part we're on board I want a small favor for me but a big favor for you you can't kill the tenebrous one i will do it we the path will do it okay so what

do you want us then be specific i will tell you in the future okay so you want like a a gimme sure okay give me a token for the gimme i tried to give you this knife and you got all shitty i see as a i'm not the knife you mean the worthless cutlery you presented me was symbolic yes very well run your outlander blood across it and give it to me. Oh, you're very cool. Roll a 1d4. If it's a 4, you'll take extra damage. Make a blood promise to this guy? Alright, so you do 4 and then roll it again.

Every time you roll a 4. You take 5 points of piercing damage. From that knife? Ooh, guys, did you hear that? The knife is now soaked in your black warforged blood. You going to walk it up to him? This is a very bad idea.

Have you seen a movie ever? I don't care. You walk it up to him? Well, I'll see and sell me not to. I just don't know any other way out of this. I feel like making a blood pact. At this point, you've already done it. Are you walking up, though? No, I'm standing there. Well, she's arguing, so I'm just standing. I'm like making a blood pack should probably... At this point, you've already done it. Are you walking up, though?

No, I'm standing there. Well, she's arguing, so I'm just standing. I'm standing where I am. You can have our word that we will help you defeat the Tenebrous one, but you don't just get a free pass to tell us what to do. He plants both his hands on the valve

and starts spinning it. More steam starts shooting out of the drum and you guys see the guards rush him uh lord hustler bus uh yells for everyone else to get back someone have like a bubble spell or something that can sort of you know like i'm setting a 10 second timer okay shoot him with i shoot him. You shoot him? Well, he just turned a thing. The guards are charging him and he just said everybody get back. Where are you aiming?

I'm aiming. I'm shooting. I want to wing him. I want to try and make his hands not work so he can't turn the dials on the thing. I'm not shooting the tub. Roll a 20. How high is the ceiling?

I'm rolling my new die. 100 feet. 100 feet feet before you do anything we got to see what happens over here sure uh 25 okay uh that's a hit so roll your damage eight all right you land right in one of his hands and his hands kind of hands, and his right hand on your side kind of pops up away from it, but there's already a great amount of steam. I need everyone to do a dexterity saving throw, please. 18. Which is a...

21. Seven. I don't want to talk about it. Okay. Keep track of your own numbers, you guys. 22. Nice. 20, not natural.

Four. All right. Well, suddenly, you guys see the drum explode everything is white your ears are ringing and if you beat a 15 you get to have this damage

um we get to have it or have it cut it in half I was going to cast something to make him stop but it just happened so fast it did and he was ready for this this damage brought to you by on bug spray and he was ready for this.

This damage brought to you by On Bug Spray. Some bugs are cool. On Bug Spray. Get on me, bugs! 42 points of force damage. What? How many points? 42.

I honestly thought it was that we might be straight up just fully dead but honestly you got you got a good you got a good uh low roll from all these dice so 42 is anyone down yeah i am okay is anyone toast because they doubled their max hp no no who's down raise your hand for me or say me okay so just how seen only me all right uh everybody is not unconscious for a minute but then uh everybody but hal seen wakes up um so the room is in chaos there's people running around uh i'm going to ask. Did he blow up? He. Well, you're still kind of getting your senses. He's not dead.

How seen was attached and dark through? You're now in the back wall. Oh, hey, Dr. Do a perception check. 19. Plus, oh, sorry, 23. So you wake up and see Halcine laying unconscious next to you. Halcine, I'm going to have you do three death saving throws.

Three? Yes. Why three? Because that's how long you were down before Dr uid could wake up really yep that feels feels what generous nobody around me no like the whole well we'll get to what happened to the rest of the room in a second oh that's cocked yeah that's a fail okay i don't even need to mark this now yeah we're doing feel like a blood oath might have worked i'm honestly about to die oh no did you just get oh man okay

oh no too bad i'm the one that has fail so sorry uh you you look over at hal seen and she is not breathing i have a cure wounds in a in a slot ready to go doesn't matter i'm dead she's uh not responding when you cast it is she in a parking structure you got you look around everybody and the room is there's rubble everywhere there's an exploded corpse of the narwhal thing it looks like a beach whale

there is a priest running around trying to heal soldiers a lot of them are dead is it vesti yes yeah I tell him let's go johnny on the spot remember persuasion check i don't need to persuade him i'll fucking drag him over not good uh five uh he doesn't hear you i'll go to him okay uh he's i have many people to heal.

I don't know. Here's number one. I pick him up and bring him over to his rank check. Fuck 11. I'll help. That's enough. Yeah, I know you only needed a 10. So you pick him up.

You drag him over to I take it. How seen? Yes. He says, I take it, Halcyon. He says, I know a spell, but we need to take her up to the second floor. I don't know if it's too late. Let's go as fast as we can.

I'm going to fly her up there? Do a strength check. I'm going to keep. Why did you eat all that buttered toast? Eight. So, you managed to pick her up, but she's heavy.

How dare you? It's that carrot cake. There are priests there, but one of them sees clearly what you're trying to do and uh he says leave leave her with us okay and um they kind of shoo you away all right uh can we grab one of them to come with us one of the priests yeah well there's four up here so you go up there and um it's it's like a small mini temple.

It looks like this is where... Okay, this is the temple. It's the temple. Of the priests? Yeah, it's a temple of Bahamut. You see there's a platinum dragon on a banner on the wall. They all say, like, well, if you really want us to help your friend, you'll leave us with her.

I want Halcine's ghost to float over to everybody to be like it is okay everybody be well. I died with my with my with my but I want everybody

to know it's fine and that I just didn't I didn't want any of our friends or people to bend the knee or give their blood to an evil race of

creatures to do something with wow side eye even in death so it's still a win is it uh is this a win be fine so godspeed uh they they they do you resist when they do you try to drag one of them down no we don't want to fix her so So you're all going to head up the stairs. I mean, they lay her on a bed and pull a curtain. All four of the priests who are already there go behind the curtain, and then Vesta comes up the steps and says, I should help them. Go. So he goes back there.

You guys are sort of in the temple, hanging out. All right, so we'll go back down there, and his body is there? You come down. There's at least a dozen dead soldiers. Their armors have been sort of ripped open. I'm just grasping at straws, but don't you have something that when you're for death saving or for death saving throws, don't you have something that you've contributed

to before? I think you might be thinking of Grima who has a lot of weird features. You do have a token of inspiration. I was thinking of Grima. You can't use that for death saving throws. Don't we have a luck necklace or something? You have... I would allow you to re-roll if you wanted to use that for death saving throw. Don't we have a luck necklace or something? You have...

I would allow you to re-roll if you wanted to use your token of inspiration, one of your death saving throws. You really should. That feels like cheating. But maybe you'll be alive. I actually don't know what the inspiration... My Dungeon Master rule is that I would let you do it.

You can look up what the common folk would call it, but I think most people don't die with an inspiration token. So I think this is a unique enough situation where I would. Oh yeah. Where are we on time, Sam? We are almost to an hour, but we spent almost 15 minutes on that opening chunk. If you want to go a little bit.

Yeah. I mean, it appears that it's not. Sarah's checking the internet for rules to see if she deserves the second. Well, look, I mean, it appears that it's not. Sarah's checking the internet for rules to see if she deserves the second chance. Well, look, I like Halcine.

I like to play by the rules. I know, but I felt like you had something and that went by so fast. Again, I'll allow you to. Okay, let's be honest. I'm going to fail this one too.

So I'll go ahead and do it. It's a 50-50 shot. But aren't I surrounded by priests right now? Maybe they'll do something. And if not, you know.

Valkyr, I incur Valkyr's name or invoke valkyr religion check me just use 17 but it really is where we're gonna go i miraculously gasp but i'm still unconscious do a religion check. Inspiration. A 13. You do hear sort of a whispering sound in your head. Psst. And on that note, I think we'll call it.

Hey, Sam. Hi, guys. Episode 43. Why is it so funny when you guys rest? I would eat a cheeseburger and a sash for sure we got it. We got a giant shark situation. Damn, we're still settling this boat thing. I hope we kill someone. What the fuck? I bet you felt good about right in that monkey's pop. What the fuck is

fealty whenever you guys look through supplies to see what you have. It reminds me of Oregon Trail. Everyone we talked to is kind of a dick. Oh good. We're making blood promises. Wait, this guy's a bomb made of steam. This dude blows and I think Sarah died, which means I'm about to kill myself.

Oh, well, I'm not going to tell anyone where my public appearances are for a while. She's not dead. First of all, I feel like that was fully my slash Hal Seam's responsibility. Anything you want to plug, Dan? No, absolutely not. Any fan who listens now wants me dead in real life.

Wow. Hey, come cheer me on. I'm running three consecutive Toyota-thons this weekend. Oh, great. It's called the Iron-thon, and it's when you do three consecutive Toyota-thons, and then they give you a shirt that says Iron-thon, but you can't iron it because it'll gum up your iron.

It's weird. You'd think it would be like some sort of silkscreen thing, but you can't iron it because it'll gum up your iron. It's weird. You think it would be like some sort of silkscreen thing, but it's a decal. Oh. But they put all the money back into Toyotas. Great.

Because those are fantastic cars, Toyotathons. I would run 68 miles. God, I thought that was going into shaving cream. 78.6 miles. God, I thought that was going to be shaving cream. 78.6 miles. I would run 78.6 miles for a Toyota. I'm going to thank Preston Snow again.

And I'm going to do it this weekend. Come cheer me on. Three consecutive Toyotathons. Preston Snow. Thanks, Preston. Thank you. Thanks, Preston. And thanks for listening.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening