Nerd Poker - Episode 44 - Baked Goods

Episode Date: December 12, 2018

Our heroes are nearly there. The cosmic being known as Jnrei D'Nah is very close.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Posehn, and you're listening to Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker.

Really, already? My friends are here. We're checking out Sam in the studio window there. He's giving us a thumbs up with the cans on. Good take, Brian. Keep rolling. I'm fucking not stopping. My friends are here. Chris. Hello.

Sarah. Hi. Ken. Dan. Hello. And Sam with the cans on. Hey, everybody. He's in a tunnel, everybody. The cans. He's with the cans on. Hey, everybody. Hey. With the what? He's in a tunnel, everybody.

The cans. These are called the cans. Share the man with the pair of cans. All right. These are called cans? So you go to Paris, France. Yeah, cans. In radio.

Cans. What's going on at Palladino's this week, Dan? Oh, my God. We've got great stuff. For the rest of the year at Palladino's, it is just nonstop fun uh including we've got ling ling malmstein the only living panda guitar player virtuoso uh and they're with jonah jameson and the black hearts free admission when you bring pictures of spider-man also nick cage and the bad scenes of opeth irish folk versions of your favorite progressive death metal tunes. That's courtesy of Robo Hobo.

Nice, Robo Hobo. Also, courtesy of Galafia. I didn't make noise because Ping Ping Mom's team had me fucking crying. Also, after that at Palladino's, we've got Maroon. That's Maroon 5, but with five fewer fingers up your ass. All right. that's Maroon 5, but with five fewer fingers up your ass. Alright. You're doing the math on that still. Yeah, I've heard it before.

No, you need all five of those fingers up your ass for it to be Maroon 5 is the implication. That's really hot. I went to kind of a laid back night there this weekend. Oh yeah? Yeah, so Quiet Wyatt is a heavy metal cover band of Robert Wyatt and Soft Machine.

And I saw them, and they played old Rotten Hat front to back with Rudy Sarzo on the dude's shoulders. It was just amazing. Just amazing. Amazing. Quiet Wyatt.

I know nobody gets it, but it wasn't crowded. That's what was great about it. It wasn't crowded because nobody got it. At Palladino's, I saw Nick Cave and the Bad Creed. It's Nick Cave surviving members of Creed. It's just Creed. Yeah, yeah. It's bad Creed. It's Nick Cave with the surviving members of Creed. It's just Creed. Yeah, yeah. It's just Creed.

You guys, guess what? You're on the back of a giant winged serpent. Oh, yeah. It's undead. Cue. You feel like you

narrowly avoided some shit and you are currently flying northeast as it appears somewhere behind you Umberlee and Loth. There's an F-Line southwest.

Am I right? Umberlee and Loth are engaged in some sort of Oh, congratulations. deity on deity combat. Hot. This is like Godzilla and Rodan going at it. A little bit. A little bit.

Rodan? Yeah. Rodan. Hey, Twee. Why don't you do... We're going to say this one's an Arcana check. Arcana? No, let's do Perception.

Only you can do this. You're all alone up on the upper neck of this thing. Six. I upper-necked my buddy once. I was at a party at his house. Sounds romantic. I shit in his neck. Oh.

I upper necked him. He didn't know for weeks that I took a shit in his neck. He was asleep? He didn't know until he swallowed. You've been making really good time, but that's about all you know. You feel like you see a building and what looks like a sort of magical energy field on the distant horizon. The buildings are semi-submerged at this point.

You feel like the entire graveyard area has been drowned in the waves of Umberlee as part of the collateral damage of this fight going on behind you. I saw waves of Umberlee open for Echo and the Bunnymen once. Katrina and the waves of Umberlee open for Echo and the Bunnymen ones. Katrina and the waves of Umberlee. Yes, so that's what you guys noticed. And we're still on this, we're still

riding this skeletal thing. But there must be an end in sight. That's exactly what he sees. And I'm letting him shout it over his shoulder. Is he? Yeah, I guess. Almost Tweed wants to be selfish and not tell everybody the good news. Is he?

Yeah, I guess. Unless Tweet wants to be selfish and not tell everybody the good news. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your guest. We're going to have a lot of practice. We have four or seven readers. If we can get a Jeff up here in the flight deck with me, it's going to be a long time. They're totally filled in.

I didn't hear any. A little bit of an Obama quality, but then also like a pilot. But Jeff is all I got. What he calls it, can I perceive and see a nice spot where we're looking for? I mean, yeah, you see, there is what looks like

a small fortress of some kind to the northeast. It looks military-like, prison-like. It looks much more like it's meant to hold things than many of the buildings here, which look largely abandoned. I mean, the graveyard's been pretty quiet. You feel like the shit you've seen here is normally not here. And the water still, has water flooded that building? And the water still... Has water flooded that building? It's hard to tell because as you go,

some buildings are sticking out, some mausoleums are sticking out of the water, but a lot of it, you're like, it's hard to gauge how deep this water is, but it feels like it might be at least, I don't know, 20 feet deep. Any movement, like on the surface of weird stuff bobbing to the surface, beings or guards or...

Just water. All of you do a perception check 21 5 12 10 do you need help with your bonus or Sarah no but I was gonna see if I rolled less than a 5 and the answer is that yes I did I rolled a 2 I tried a different die if I rolled less than a five and the answer is that yes, I did. I rolled a two. Did you use a die again? I tried a different die and I rolled a three with that one too. I should never have come back. You should roll this one for fun. Okay, I'll do it again.

Typha, you do feel like you see some sort of strange creatures in the water. Like swimming? Are these on the way? They're beneath the surface. You see like two or three of them.

They're far apart. You just sort of see vague shapes. There's definitely something in the water. I think we should try and set down on top of the place we're going to. As much as this thing... We may end up crashing into the water, but I think we should aim for the building.

You guys, you're making great time, but about like five miles away from this thing, you all start to notice at the same time that this thing is no longer really paying attention to what Tui is doing with the rope, and it looks like it's starting to drift up and away from where you're going. We're gonna have to jump. You feel like the spell is maybe not that strong that's commanding this thing. Can you cast it again or do we have to? Can I try to pull in the reins and maybe put some muscles? You're gonna have to do an athletic check with

disadvantage because you're not holding the reins. You're gonna have to like reach up. Okay. with disadvantage because you're not holding the reins. You're going to have to reach up. Okay. That would be a 16. Roll again. Disadvantage. You've got to take the lower number.

Can I try to... Yeah, that's... What was that, a 10? 17. Yeah, you can't... You get a good grip on it, but it's not responding. You feel like this thing is... 16's not enough. This thing is, no, it's like now it's undead

and not wanting to listen. If I climb up there, can I help him? Can the two of us yank on it together? First, was it Blaine said you want to try something magic? Someone said something about that. Is there a way for me to just... I don't want to try Something magic or Someone said something about that Is there a way for me to just like Try to put some more quarters in this thing So that I can extend the spell for a few more minutes

Or Just do some sort of Concentration thing Do an arcana check No What'd you get Four Yeah I mean you got a good bonus, right?

But like... Ten, yeah. Yeah, you feel like you'd have to, at the very least, ask Esmeralda and or Genndy to untie themselves from this thing and crawl forward. And every minute you guys are trying to steer this thing, this thing is going higher and higher. Would throwing a levitate on it help at all?

Can I tell that this is happening? Yeah, all of you can tell this is happening. I go forward. I'm going to try to go forward. Okay. Do an athletics check. This is to not fall off. I'm going to try to roll in the spicy Skittles box

and see if this breaks my string of bad luck. It didn't. I rolled a five. So you guys see... Now your dice has a weird feeling in its throat. As Meralda untie and she's a couple people back.

You try to get up there and Gendy tries to follow suit. Do a dex check, please. Gendy's fine, but you are slipping. Do I still have my hand on it? This is a dexterity saving throw, actually. Oh, okay.

Well, it was bound to happen one of these times. What was it? What do you think it was? A one? It was not a 20. It was a 400! It was a one. It was definitely a one.

God damn. You guys see Esmeralda plant a foot on this thing's spine, and just her foot goes over her head, and she starts falling down into the waves, which are about 50 feet underneath you. All right. As I see this happening. She keeps falling after you cast Levitate,

and Esmeralda, a couple of feet above the water you stop but these guys are starting to fly away. Oh, she's just hanging there? She's levitating over the water and you guys are just starting to fly away. Can you cast levitate too? Yeah, I have a levitate. Who's got levitate? He's got her.

You've cast it. I feel like we have to kill this thing. Or unkill it. I feel like we have to kill this thing. To land it? Or unkill it. Well, I don't know. I think if we could just get away from it. Well, we drop into the water. Gendi has levitate.

This is missing some of my spells, so I'm sorry. So I have levitate, I have fly. You guys see Gilfry untie himself. Do you want to send one of us down to help her? And he magically is floating towards Esmeralda. Go get her. Guys, don't worry about me. I'm flying. I'll levitate you.

To do what? Just so that you don't fall to your death. Okay, cool. Who else needs a levitate or a fly? When I fell, I wasn't able to hold on to a rope and water ski. Because that sounds awesome. No no you're too high up with those checks no there's only one me and briquette no you did an athletics to hold on and then a dex to not fall I don't remember doing athletics. Yeah, the first one you did.

That should have been plus five. How far away is the land? Yeah, but it was still under 10. I mean, we could land in water, too. It's not going to kill us. True. It's magic water. Well, there does not seem to be a sense of urgency at all.

No, Gilfrey magically is flying towards you. He doesn't have wings. He sort of just has long black fingers, but he's flying towards you, and he gets to you, and he says, do not die. I love this turn of events. I say thank you. Is he going to help me float towards them?

He grabs you by the hand and he's trying to pull you up and he can't get you much higher than 10 feet. But can we go forwards? Yes. So let's go. I motion him like let's go. Okay. You guys are increasing another, let's say, 10 feet in the air as this thing is still not paying attention to you, really.

How far are we above the water? You're about 60 feet in the air. We would know if we just... If you all had flight and levitate, you'd know you'd be fine. But if you don't all have flight and levitate, you know someone's got to hang on to somebody. Or bail. Oh, yeah.

Can you hang on to him? I'll grab on to him. Grab on it to you. Yeah, grab him. You can grab on to me, I guess. What about our friend Brickette, the dragonborn? I feel like it's just... Oh, I have an amulet of water breathing, first of all.

That's true. I don't have my sheet. This is very frustrating. I'm so sorry to you guys, to the listeners, to everybody. Do you want to come over and look at your sheet real quick? Is there something you want to see that I didn't screen cap? Yeah, I didn't see that. I'm missing all my spells except for the first two.

Brickette. Brickette is that Dragonborn guy? We don't need him. You have... But he's with us. Sarah, you have Frostbite. You have Mending. You have Catapult.

Chromatic Orb. Detect Magic. Snare. Witchbolt. Levitate. I bolt, levitate. I do have levitate. Yes. Okay.

So this is the problem because I would have probably made some different choices, but okay. Yeah, sorry about that. No, it's my fault. It's absolutely my fault. Can we get the dragonborn guy floating? I can cast levitate on him if we... Gendy says, yeah, I can cast levitate on him. Okay. Then I can go with you and G, I can cast Levitate on him. Okay. Then I can go with you, and Gendy can take care of Brickette.

Okay. So you're all cast up. Oh, and I've got him, too. So can I get back to them now? Yeah. So you guys are all just jumping off of this thing? I guess so. Oh, they're just coming down to me?

We're haloing in. Radical. we're haloing in radical uh you all feel like you're you're you're just a hair away from maybe having taken whiplash damage as you fall and kind of like slowly but a little fast for your liking kind of slam a few feet above the water and the people who are hanging on uh enjoy it a lot less but that was extreme. A couple of you are holding on to other people, but you are floating above very deep water. How far are we from the

building? About three miles. How far are they behind us? You can catch up to her. I would say with the fall it only takes a couple of minutes without anything intervening. Let's go. What we need is something that we can do the equivalent of parasailing. We need something to be moving through the water that we can hold on to, that something is moving fast.

How about, does anybody have a shield or something? Mow, mow, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. Everybody do a perception check. 21. Jesus Lord lord of course 12 18 now she rolls good

you see there's a few large doors floating around we could surf on those does anyone here know how to surf as part of who oh Bodhi. Wait, what? Yeah, this is origin. What can we do with these

with the water in these big doors? I can teach you to first be on your knees on them and then we'll ride on them and then we'll ride them out. I'll stand up and There aren't any waves though, right? There are actually. It's going to be pretty tricky.

But you've got to paddle. Put your stomach on it. All right. Kick. Do an investigation check to see if you can get enough doors together. If ever there was a time for doors unlimited. What are we rolling? Unlimited doors. Chris, you know the origin of Bodhi, right?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. I was just trying to tee up a little bit. Investigation check. It's a separate roll. 22. Jeez Louise. Five.

So that's one. Anyone else get over 20? Investigation? You? No. So you find two large doors. You can all barely fit on them, unlike poor Leonardo DiCaprio

and everyone's favorite movie, Titanic. But he actually could have totally fit on them. I know, he very much could. It was embarrassing. What a terrible movie that nobody likes. I'm just kidding. He was a door hog. You feel like...

I would have given that necklace to my kids. Not necessarily going to be easy to guide these things without perhaps additional device, unless you have somebody make a really good surfing roll right now. I could go for a surfing roll. Have you ever had those at Sugarfish? I did, yeah. Put that male shit on the top.

What's mine? What's athletics? It's athletics plus one for surfing. Twenty. You guys surf the shit out of these. The only thing is, so you guys, it takes you about half an hour, but you're able to guide without any horrible danger

to this building. Once you get about like 100 feet away, it's hard to actually get a wave that will get close enough without, Bodhi tells you. Bodhi, you feel like you might crash into this building if you get too close, much like a dangerous shoreline.

Okay. Are we riding in like an upside-down inverse pyramid like at Cypress Gardens? Because the waves are big, and the water feels like it might even be getting deeper. You feel like this building is slowly disappearing under the waves so briquette says you know the door down there should be unlocked but I don't know what's gonna happen with it underwater I think you loaned it to me when I grabbed the cloak.

That sounds right. So how far away are we now? You're about 100 feet away. Okay, cool. Well, it's just a paddle over there then. You paddle over. You're going to go underwater. Sure.

Okay, this is going to be an athletics check. Okay, I'm doing my best. Oh, does he still have it? Do an athletics and'm doing my best Oh, you want to do it? Does he still have it? Do an athletics and a perception Yeah, you can just hand it off Yeah, one of you has it I don't have your inventories written down

What's your athletic bonus? My athletics is seven Oh, that's okay Mine's five, so that's better than mine Why don't you try it then? You going to go for it, Typha? Going for another swim? Yeah

It's a 21 Do a perception roll on top of that, please That's a 25 So a perception roll on top of that please That's a 25 So you swim down to the door It takes you A strength check to get it open Good lord I'll pay off that perception check

After this because this is your priority And I would say It's only an 8 for the strength You yank as hard as you can and it feels like the water suction is just way too much for you to get it open. How far down are they? You feel like you're 20, 30 feet underwater.

Okay. Bodhi's going to dive down and help. As you see Bodhi swimming towards you and you do your athletics check, Bodhi, as he's swimming towards you, you notice there is what looks like a large stingray sort of swimming around in the distance back towards

where everybody else was. That's 21 on that. What the fuck is a stingray doing here? 21. You make it down, so do a strength check to see if you can whip this door open. I do Aquaman to the stingray. Strength check, strength check for that door.

Okay. That's a nine. Can't get it open. Oh, strength. Yeah. Same thing. Yeah. You just can't get this. I put the water breathing necklace around his neck to let him keep trying to do it, and I come back up,

and I say, Bodhi's working on the door. There is a giant? It looks like a stingray that's bigger than anyone in your party, yeah. There's a big stingray coming. Well, I dive down to help with the door. Sweet.

Do a flex check. Do I go again? 18, no. Yes, she swims towards you, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I had a second. 19. Do I go again? 18. No. Because we could do it together. She swims towards you, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I had a second. 19.

Great, so you get down and, yeah. 18. If you're going to help Bodhi, you get advantage. We both have to roll again, right? Well, I'm going to say just Bodhi roll, but you get advantage on it. All right. For strength? He's going to do a strength check with advantage because you're helping him.

Oh, okay. Come on, come on, helping him. Oh, okay. Oh, nice. Yeah. Wait. So what's that one? It's a 23.

Uh, you're going to want to roll twice. And that's a 20. Uh, you, you, you managed to get it open a crack and slowly start pulling it open and you see that there's like a

magical barrier of some kind. You don't know that it's going to keep you from getting it, but it does look like it's dry on the other side of this magical barrier. I can't breathe. Probably pretty soon, right? You would have to do a constitution check in a second

if you don't either go up or test this membrane. I'm going to test it. How are you going to test it? It just looks like a... You just see the water stop. It doesn't hurt your finger. I try to go through it. So, Sarah, you approach like you're just going to try to swim through.

I can't breathe, so I'm probably pretty light. As you make contact, you immediately feel dryness as you go through, and you kind of stumble a little bit as you go through. But you are now in what looks like just a small preparation chamber, probably, for people to go to the extra planar horror building out into the graveyard. Okay, I wave for everybody. Dive down.

I'll help everybody. Cool. I close the door. After everybody gets through. Everybody do an athletics check because if this goes badly, maybe you'll learn a little something. Gendy's fine. 16.

Gilfry's fine. 20. Me, athletics too, even though I'm down there? No, you're fine. Oh, okay. You two already made your, you and Sarah made your athletics checks to get down to the door. Oh, right, okay.

Anyone get lower than an eight? Or lower than a 10? Besides, okay. Yes, I got lower than a 10. Nettie, you feel a tug on one of your ankles as you're about to, you got lower than a 10. Nettie, you feel a tug on one of your ankles as you're about to... You see everybody else get through. I'm going to cast Witch Bolt.

All right. On the stingray? Whatever's tugging at me. You turn around and you see what looks like a large, flat jellyfish with just a bunch of little tendrils. And there's a couple of them latched on your leg.

Casting, casting. Go for it. Okay. Hey, you know, Brian. Yeah, hey. Clayton, what's going on? Last weekend I saw... 16.

This past weekend. Yeah, this past weekend. I saw... Where in the hell is Eric Carman playing in San weekend? Yeah, this past weekend. I saw a... Where in the hell is Eric Carman playing in San Diego? Wait, did you see that at Paladinos? 1D12, I saw it at Paladinos. Oh, okay. Everybody was there asking where he was going to be playing.

Oh, got it. Where are you trying to hit this thing? It's really big. At wherever it's grabbing me. Whatever tendon's grabbing me. Yeah, okay. So yeah, the tendril snaps off. All right, swimming. You're going are you trying to hit this thing? It's really big. Wherever it's grabbing me. Whatever tendon's grabbing me. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, the tendril snaps off. All right.

Swimming. You're going to try and get through that membrane? Yeah. Do another athletics check. 14. Yeah, this time you just barely make it through. You guys all do notice, though, there is a door that opened out into the water and a membrane. and out into the water and a membrane and you just see really light pink kind of translucent tentacles coming out of the door through the magical barrier back up back up back up back up

there's another door and you're dry now you're all i mean you're not dry you're all soaking wet from swimming but uh you're you're you carried some of it with you in little pockets but the magical barrier scraped off some of it, and you could go through another door blind with just testing it, or you can... Go through. Should we check for traps and such? Oh, I already went through. We're just in like a foyer kind of room?

What are you saying? Yeah, you're in like a foyer. There's an empty weapons rack here. There's a small table. La-di-da. Are we in the grand entrance hall or the servant's quarters? We're in the ma Entrance Hall or the Servant's Quarters? We're in the Mazadany.

I said I went through. You just popped it open and ran through? Yeah. No traps. You get through. You all are going to follow her? Yeah, now that she's safe, I'm going. It looks like a giant piston just smashed through the center of this building.

So you guys kind of go out onto what used to be like a floor, and you just see what looks like 20 sub-basements about a dozen feet in. It just looks like something destroyed the inside of this building. And there's some broken stairs that used to go down. The level you're on, there are a few cages. They're magical cages that have walls up, and there are some dead monsters in some. There's a couple of magical barriers that look like they've been taken down.

And there's dead monsters in those. And there's a few magical barriers that are still up and also have dead monsters in them. It looks like something just utterly ravaged this place. And I would say you guys remember a fake elf named Dean told you he turned this place inside out. Dean! So you don't know if it was him or just a coincidence that he lied.

Tweet, you want to reach out to... Oh, sorry. No, no, no. Go for it. I was going to ask if you wanted to reach out to his lady love Dinradna and see if you could ping her. Just to see if she's paying attention. Do a religion check. Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson. Mork calling Orson. That is a 12. She goes, hello. Oh, hey. You up? Where are you? Well well we were surfing now we're under the water in a membrane okay that we're insane in it yeah okay this membrane um it's strange

I feel like you didn't have to try that hard to reach out to me yeah I feel like we're close did you youulth just went down the bathtub drain. I don't know if you're following the Lulth thing. I have a hard time remembering some of my time when I used to be an independent corporeal form, but when you say Lulth,

yeah, I suddenly remembered some more stuff about Lulth. Yeah, Lulth and I don't get along. Yeah, I heard. Let's take a look at that clip. Okay. You guys see a clip from Mac and Me. It's Paul Rudd? That was a Paul Rudd joke.

Now I want to go to McDonald's. You hear tension in her voice when you bring up the whole wealth thing. I want to be in a wheelchair. She's like, I guess You hear tension in her voice when you bring up the whole wheel thing. I want to be in a wheelchair. Okay, but where is she? She's like, I guess I'm close, Twee. I don't know what to tell you.

Can you get a sense, Twee? I don't know what my form is here. I'm imprisoned in something. I feel things attacking me. It's blind. It's feelings more than sights. What's attacking you? It's like a thousand needles. It's like a prison.

It's like I'm being kept here through distractions and pain and magic. I don't know what to tell you. I feel like I'm being forced into a physical space. Is there a way for you to tell me if I'm getting closer or farther away once we start moving?

Can you sort of like just pay attention to me and let me know? Give me a warmer, colder. She kind of starts to fade away and says, I'll let you know if I can. Okay, longer letter later. I'll leave my phone on.

Brickette says, so you can talk to Jen right now? Oh yeah, we're buds. Brickette, do you know what her form might be here? Okay, so, yeah, maybe. Here's what I know, because I've been trying to read up on this Osmic stuff. Because I've been trying to read up on this Osmic stuff. She doesn't have, like, a unique, like, identity right now.

I can, like, I know she thinks she's, like, a she, but she doesn't have, like, a form. So it's hard. Like a ghost or a spirit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's kind of like a ghost or a spirit. But because she's also from another dimension, then she doesn't function like a being would i think the trick is the prison uses spells on her as if she's an object

as opposed to a being and they can do that because she's from another dimension another dimension and when you say treating her like an object, I don't understand. What does that mean? I'm not sure either, except that there's magic that has influence over objects and magic that has influence over beings. Okay, so can I detect magic? Yes, you can.

That's a strange difference, said I do have detect magic right No you have dispel magic Who has detect magic I don't think anybody does I do not Brickette What about our little buddy Chirp Chirp Oh Gilfrey

Gilfrey knocks over Gilfrey nods Gilfrey we need your help Gilfrey? Yeah. Gilfrey, you can detect magic. Gilfrey walks over. Gilfrey nods. Gilfrey, we need your help. Gilfrey says... Gilfrey says... Gin Radina is here. Yes.

He says, magic is here. Close. He kind of skitters around and he points somewhere and says, no magic at one cell. And he points to another and says, no magic. And then he points to another and says, no magic. And then he points to one room that looks sort of the most boring of all

the rooms and says, magic? Good job. Hey, can you dispel magic? M-A-G-I-C. Magic. The room Gilfrey's pointing at looks like I mean, there was some violence in it there's there's blood uh there's what appears to be a dead guard laying in it um and you guys have to

walk around the sort of big crater in the middle of the floor i mean like it looks like there used to be more going on in this floor and now there's just this pit that you feel like you would get dizzy if you went near it in the middle and you're kind of walking around floor one and uh and you're on the top floor and there's this room and it's got um it looks like a meal laid out and knocked on the ground some bottles of wine some broken glass johnny depp's place. But it looks like it was like a prison cell that had a lot of food, almost as if it was like a Hannibal Lecter kind of situation where they let a rich prisoner have some of the comforts of home or something.

Like Brickette. Although Brickette was an employee of the prison. And yeah, when you walk over there, Brickette's just like, okay, so there's magic here, but not other cells. And Jyn Raden might be trapped in an object. Why don't everybody do an investigation? Sure. 17.

10. 17. 17 10 17 9 9 those of you who rolled a 17 first of all if you didn't roll a 17 here's what you noticed some of the bottles of wine are really fancy and from places you've never heard of. And some of the food looks really fresh, almost like it had just been made.

Those of you who rolled a 17, you noticed the following things in the room. A very large bird that looked like it was cooked very delicately. It looks like it got mashed up, but you think you see and smell rare spices involved in the cooking of it. You see all kinds of dinnerware, both like wooden and glass, and nothing like silverware, nothing like that. It's got a weird vibe.

And you see a lot of baked goods laying around, a lot of desserts. Jendrina said you felt like you were being stabbed or poked. Yeah, but I think that's just the nature of the magic and the pain I'm feeling. I don't know if that's a clue, she would say. Because she's close. Like, was she eaten by, was she one of the food products that was eaten? Is that what you were getting at?

I mean, if you're using magic to torture her forever, why not turn her, I mean, it could not be this, but it could also be why not have her be eaten alive forever? Hey, Tweet, why don't you do a wisdom saving throw for me? Huh.

Nine. So you guys kind of walk around for a while, and then you just see Tui kind of get dizzy. And Tui, you flop down on your ass, and you can't think for a second. Yeah. Why should tonight be any different? Can I give him some?

I cooked before. You feel like it was out of the blue as if when he walked to a certain part of the room this just happened. What's around him?

What's around him? The baked goods. Oh, man. What do they look like? This usually happens. Examine baked goods. Is she getting her just desserts?

Oh, my God. Do an investigation check. Sarah. Sarah. For the group? For her? Is she getting her just desserts? Oh my god Sarah For the group? Just her Nine You're not sure but he passed out near the desserts I'm a cook

I would know what these are What are the desserts? You see a collection of pies. They're each a different pie. You see cream rolls. You see razor. Yeah, there's just tons of stuff. And it's all on this corner of the room that Tweed was kind of casually walking past.

Are they all on the same dish? They're on shelves and some are on the floor. A couple of them walking past. Are they all on the same dish? They're on shelves and some are on the floor. A couple of them are smashed, but it looks like everyone kind of ignored this, whatever kind of melee happened in here with the gardener prisoner. Is it a poison pie fight? She's baked into one of these pies?

She's probably inside one of these, right? Yeah, can the little bird guy detect more precisely? He feels like he can't. He kind of shrugs and he's like... Is Tui like... I start taking bites. He's like... I start taking bites.

He just said he starts taking bites. Learn again. He just said he starts taking bites. Of what? What are they again? Typha went crazy. I didn't get through them all. Let me give you... I'll give you the full inventory.

Ready? There's breads, pies, rolls, and cakes. Who is eating in here? Who are you asking? I'm saying this out loud to everybody. Who is eating in here?

Let's say hypothetically they baked Jen Reina into something. Is she the only person baked into it? Or is a different prisoner baked into everything? Everybody do an insight check. Because you asked that question of the group. And I will tell you if anyone has insight. I got a 12. 14.

2. 21. I'm sorry. I got a 15. Hey, Twee. Yeah? Sorry, what was that? Sorry, I was a little spaced out over here by the dessert rack.

This happened to me once at Toad Eye. What was the question exactly? Who is in prison here? Who is eating in this room? You notice when he asks that, and you're kind of like coming out, and you look around. You're thinking about Jen Ray, and you're like, where's Jen Ray?

Where's Jen Ray? You go, there's like no sleeping quarters here. It's almost as if no one was like here except for all this food. So there's just, there's no, so there's just food here. They're kept inside the food. The food, Jen Raiden is the food, right?

That's what we're guessing. Can you touch the different foods and see if you can feel her? I'm just trying to... Am I going to have to do... Fondle the rolls. Should I do a... I'm going to try to do a pie meld. Do the Charlie Chaplin thing with the rolls.

Like, it's a little dance. Do a wisdom saving throw tweet. That's a... What's the one that's just the one? That's a one You guys see Tui walk over to a cake and it's got one slice missing

and when he goes and puts his hand on top of it he immediately has his eyes roll back and he falls down on top of it, he immediately has his eyes roll back and he falls down on the ground. Do they cinnamon roll back in my hand? Good night, everybody. That'd be a good thing.

Indeed, good night. You're unconscious, Tui. Okay. Examine cake. Examine cake. I examine Tui. She'll examine the cake. I'll take care of Tui.

Do an insight check, Esmeralda. Jeez. 14. Did you get a bonus on it? I got a minus one. Wow. No, two of 15, so that wasn't. All you notice is that when you prod it with your finger,

it doesn't have icing come off. It's a cake that's not a cake. Was that in the poem? Did it say Happy Birthday, Jean Rae Donovan? How's twee? Beauty school dropout You're still out, twee Tweetie's out

Beauty school dropout Can I try to cast Dispel Magic on the cake? You absolutely can Assume that terms and functions dispel magic on the cake? You absolutely can. It's your midterms and flowchamp. Sorry, I'm doing a musical number in my head because I'm unconscious. It's not just in your head. I'm not sleep singing again.

Mavis came by, everybody. Hey, Mavis. What's the word in dog land? It sort of, for a moment, turns like the white icing turns purple in color for a moment. Purple, guys. Purple. But it goes back to being a normal

cake with one slice missing. Jean-Marie Noah's purple. Oh, is the slice anywhere? Do an insight check, Nettie. You don't see a slice. I have a five bonus. That's not enough. Does she say that out loud?

Sure. Yeah. Look, I perceive cake. Find the slice. Do a perception check. Yeah, you're a... 21. No, wait.

Sorry, 19. Yeah, you're a... 21. No, wait, sorry, 19. You're pretty sure there's no slice of cake in this room. Somebody already fucking ate her. Dan looks like the cat that ate the canary right now or somebody that ate the ginradina because he's just like grinning evilly.

I don't know how to figure this thing out. Is maybe Jen Radina is there a slice of cake someplace that's her? She's either the slice missing or she is the cake or she's the empty space that was the slice man.

Or she's missing a slice. Is it like the key slice? Before when Esmeralda touched the cake she said said you touch it, but there was no anything. Can I take a fork and try and take a piece of the cake on the fork? Okay, so you guys see Typha take a fork and try to... Just gentle. Don't hurt it. As she gently approaches with a fork,

I would like Bodhi, Esmeralda, and Tweed to do an intelligence check. Esmeralda and tweet to do an intelligence check. Eight. But I'm unconscious, too. Oh, yeah, you can't do this. Fifteen. You're fucked. You feel like you saw a slice of cake someplace, Esmeralda.

I feel like I did? Yeah. Where? You can't quite place it is it back fucking on earth did that fucking asshole steal the cake and bring it back home oh guys yes it was on his desk

what there was a delicious slice of cake on the Thane's desk that I really wanted to eat in fact I kind of thought I did no you rolled an 18 investigating it. And all with that 18 you could figure out

was that it was a slice of cake. I think I made it the cake is the lie. If you had maybe rolled higher. The cake is the lie joke, and then we moved on. Okay. So wait. So he brought part of her back there, and the rest of her is this cake?

You realize as the fork is about to carve into it. Because Typha wasn't there for the original cake situation. So all this sort of happens and you say all this out loud and Brickette is like, I guess Kriz took back some of Jyn Radina. Yeah, it's probably not hard to cut into this, but it is probably magically held together. Maybe if you were powerful enough, you could cut part of it. It's not going hard to cut into this, but it is probably magically held together.

Maybe if you were powerful enough, you could cut part of it. It's not going to damage her, but... What I'm saying, if I eat it, could she come inside of me? I think so. Whoa! Triple X. Oh, no.

You can't do this on Tumblr anymore. I'm fine with that. I don't have a problem with that You're not sure You definitely feel like that's not necessarily going to be good if you eat it But Brickhead's like She's from another plane Can Blaine ask her

if she's missing part of herself? He's still toast Wait he's toast now? I want a cheesecake I'm eating toast Can Blaine ask her if she's missing part of herself? He's still toast. Oh, that's right. Wait, he's toast now? A cheesecake? What the hell? I'm eating toast.

I want to be brisket. Very trippy. Short rib would be nice. Everybody do a dexterity saving throw. Oh, no. What? Yes. Way, way yes. 18.

21. Nine. Everybody who rolled 10 gets knocked on your ass as the building feels like it is sliding at an angle. You're not sure what's happening, but all of you start sliding towards the big pit in the middle of the floor out of this

cell and then it stops and levels off a little bit we should grab we should get like a hand hold on something right now because I don't think that's the right Brickhead is freaking out he's a big old wimp he does not look like a fighter and he's like can we just

leave the building? Do we have a portal out of here? You do. Back on the planet. Let's take the cake and go, right? Take the rest of the cake and go? Back to Tornado. And reunite the cake?

And reunite the cake, if we can find the original piece. I'm down with that. Let's get the fuck out of here. Let's retry mission. Nothing. I don't know if that's the right thing. Try retry mission. Let's get the fuck out of here. Let's retry mission. Hmm? Nothing. I don't know if that's the right thing. Try retry mission. That's what you said. I couldn't understand what you said.

It took me a second. It seems like the tidal wave is maybe going to take out the building. I don't, but if we think there's more to do here, I honestly don't know. I missed a couple episodes. Brickette's just like, I don't, I, we should, I want to get out of this building. I just want to go. I wrap my hands around Tui and I, whatever, fireman him over my shoulder. I'm, I think about, I through Storndor's eyes quickly.

Do a wisdom check. He just rolled really high. So he is going to notice you're doing this. Well, when he rolls high, I roll low. What did you get? I got a one. You got a one? Yeah.

So here's what happens. You feel your consciousness shift to Stormdor. But you have a hard time seeing through his eyes. You see shapes. But you start hearing him well. And he stops. And you feel like he is listening to you a little bit. And he's waiting for you to say something.

And then Storndor says... Oh, God. I don't know what this place is that I followed you to, but it sucks. What is it, the moon? And you snap back. Cool, let's lead him to drown here, guys. Let's go.

I'm all in. It seems like he's got a bad attitude. Let's grab the cake I don't know if this I feel like I just want to be clear that because I Sarah was missed a couple of episodes I just want to make sure

that we're not leaving anything undone if we are leaving now like is there something that I missed or that or I'm forgetting about or something that it seems like this place is about to go straight to hell so let's go

this place deserves are we sure this cake is the right way and we've got everything? Or maybe the tendrils are starting to suck it down. I feel like this is the right way. Let's go. And I just got here. All right, so you're going to bust out the staff and we're going to... Is Blaine awake?

No. I've got him over my shoulder. Shake him awake? He's magically unconscious at the moment and shaking is not working. I always have to be lucky charms. He's magically unconscious at the moment, and shaking is not working. Always after me, Lucky Charms. All right, so you bust the staff out, and you guys know what that means. You hear a little noise.

Busting the staff out. It goes a little something like... Oh, why isn't it not loading? Son of a bitch. That's not how I remember it. I know. This week at Paladino's, it's Doris De La Soul. It's all hip-hop covers of Doris De La Soul.

There's the portal popping. All right, so yeah. And when the portal pops, you immediately hear lightning crash as you see storming rain coming on the other side of the portal, which is back at a collapsed mage college on your home planet. It's raining? It's raining on the other side of this portal. I'm not going in there. It's not men, is raining on the other side of this portal. I'm not going in there. It's not men, is it?

I just got dry. This week at Palladino's, Lightning Crash Bandicoot is playing. It's all live covers, but it's done video game style. I was thinking about live song. That's what I said, live. You guys heading through this portal? Yeah.

Yep. All right. You all head through. And it's not a big portal? Yeah. Yep. All right. You all head through. And it's not a big portal, I will say. So I don't know how many more cycles you're going to go through with this staff to get through everything. But you all step through. And, yeah, there's an electrical storm happening. You see pink lightning in the sky

that you saw before, and it's more intense. And you think you see really low cloud formations, and the storm looks pretty violent. The mage college you're outside of is collapsed, and you feel like, you know, you're a couple days' ride if you had a horse to the College of Roke. So you'd really have to hustle. Can we get a blow up?

Is there the tendril here? No, there is not a tendril here. You notice there is no tendril it's not here no but there used to be there used to be but it's not here anymore is it is there signs that it has been destroyed by for example so yeah you go back to where you had originally entered the tendril and um yeah there's like this weird charred substance where there used to be that mucusy stuff. It almost just looks like there was a big tree here that got knocked, just clean off the face of the planet. Great.

But it's gone. So story door can't get back. It's gone, but based on information you very recently learned, I would say you know in fact from talking to your little worm friend, that it might take like an extra planar being to get rid of one of these things so cleanly. Like Dean?

You don't know what Dean was, but you definitely feel like something maybe from another plane of existence would have to be involved to just so cleanly knock one of these things out. A very powerful creature. Not the worm can't do it. The worm can't do it, right?

You want to ask the worm? Yeah, well, I sort of asked him before, but let me ask him more directly. Okay. What can I check again? It's a wisdom, isn't it? That is a 15 hey what's up y'all

so you can't it's Lindsey Graham everybody get rid of one of these uh tendrils right no I'm but a sentinel I'm just here to watch over you right

so the extra type of extra planar beings could you just like list off just rattle off a few types of things that could do that? Oh, I don't really know much other than the amassed cosmic

oglogs. They're pretty powerful in and of themselves. They're beings that sort of live behind the light in the stars. They're made of darkness and they feed off of what energy leaves behind.

They sort of live behind light. That sounds creepy. Yeah, a little bit, I guess. Like a black hole? I see what you're saying when you say black hole. Yeah. Okay. They sort of live in those things that I think you might be talking about.

Okay. You went to a mage college. I'll give you Esmeralda knows what that sort of might be, sort of. Like what happens when we use the portal a few times? Oh, that thing? Mm-hmm. When it collapses. Maybe, kind of.

Space and time. That's some pretty dark magic, though. Yeah. Okay. Anybody else have any questions for the portal? I don't know what the portals really is, but I guess I've sensed similar magic that you've used to what the Osmic Ogglogs have access to, sure.

It's hard because I'm embedded in your tissue a little bit, so I don't really have eyeballs like you. I'm not like you do with that dragon where I see through your eyes or nothing. I just sense stuff. Right. I got it. No, you've been really helpful. Thank you. Thanks. I'm like an extra cosmic tapeworm body.

Quick question. Hey, I'm unconscious, but should I buy or lease? Tweet, the rain does wake you up here. I would say you get a sense right away that maybe touching the cake is not good for you.

Okay, you've got to talk to her again because we've got to figure out what we do now. Is she two parts of a cake? Yeah, do a religion check there, Twee. Is she present? 1721. Clear as day. You're generating it in your head.

She says, you've got me. I feel like I'm still in prison, but you got me. Somebody left you out in the rain. It took so long to make you. I got that one. Guys, we did it. We did it, you guys.

All right. All right, that's the final episode of Nerd Poker. We've just been trying to get a reference for Sarah to understand. We got it. Thanks for listening. So anyway. Yes.

We have this cake. Do we need to get your slice back in it, or do we need to get it around your slice? I feel like I'm all in one place. I don't know that I need to be reunited with another part of me, I guess. Just get me out of here. Do you need to be eaten? Do you need to be celebrated?

Do you need to be... That's good news, that we don't have to go get the other slice. Yeah, she's like, just get me out of this thing. Into another thing. Into a body? You know who we had who was waiting to do that? She's tied up somewhere around here, right? She is tied up about 20 feet away from you.

That's what I thought. She's such an asshole, though. Right. She is a huge... Bodhi didn't like her though A huge Here's the thing Is she gonna be evil now

When Jyn Redna goes into her? You don't know She might steer bad I feel like Jyn Redna We should put Jyn Redna Into somebody who's like A good person How about

The Dragonborn friend? Oh no That fucker? No way Gallifrey? Brickette is like No thanks No not Megan Ellis Oh no, that fucker? No way. Gallifrey? Brickette is like, no thanks. No, not Megan Ellis. Oh no, not Dragonborn.

Archon the Cruel is not present in this campaign. Nettie is used to having other people drive, so maybe she would be interested. I'm wondering if maybe I would volunteer to do it. Wow. Would you? I'm thinking about it. It seems like,

based off of everything we've been through, it would make the world continue, and maybe Jen Raiden and I could work out some deal. So what are you going to do? Well, I don't know. We've got to get her out. Okay. But you're considering putting yourself in the chopping block.

Yeah, but Thuy said Not to eat the cake That's why I was going for the cake I was like Let's just get her the fuck out of here And we can work it out Well you just don't know What would happen If you ate the cake

She said that she wants To take over someone's body You guys would work together She would kind of steer But yeah that was When we talked to her In the drug land Yeah

I mean Clearly the world Is about to end So I don't I mean Should I do it I've already got like... I already have some of my stuff over at her place.

I want to do it. I would have said yes, except that you've turned a little bit... I feel like the key is not putting her in somebody evil, right? Yes. I feel like... Everybody do a perception check, please. I'm only evil because I killed that kid in cold blood. 16.

12. 16. 12. 14. 16. 8. Esmeralda, you feel like you see somebody watching you from behind a building. Kind of like...

You feel like there's a shape just out of... What guy is said that? Is it Rockwell? I'm playing tricks on you. His dad was like a big record executive. Very gorgon. Right. We do it or not.

But they're about 30 feet away, pretty close. He's watching me now. So you feel like maybe you guys are being watched. I look at it. I can't tell who it is. Are you going to go around the wall and try to see? Yeah. So you walk over and you just see somebody running away in the rain.

I run. Come on. Great. Do an athletics check. You guys just see Esmeralda fucking book it away from you guys. Nine total. Nine total? You don't catch up.

You just see in the rain there's a person about your height. Halt or I'll shoot. They don't stop. Shoot. I fire a crossbow. Stop or my mom will shoot. Great, roll to attack. Honey, I'll shoot they don't stop shoot I fire a crossbow stop or my mom will shoot great roll to attack honey I'll shrink the kids

that is I don't have my thing so this is my thing alright while she's gone I'm saying to these guys I think this is why I was brought to this that's a hit

okay I run to see who I downed. Roll for damage for kicks, won't you? Sorry. I don't know that I downed them. That was really... I gotta pull up a character sheet anyway while you do this. Hey, Brian, you know who I saw at Palladino's this weekend?

Who? James Can. I don't get that one. Oh, the band Can. Yeah, and they do all covers of the band James. Wow. Did you know that headphones are sometimes called cans? Oh, no. Or butts or bathrooms.

Three damage. They only take three damage, but they fail the deck's saving throw to not slip in the rain while they're being hit from behind. And, yep, you catch up to a half-drow named Dessa. Why is she free? Didn't we, like, have her asleep? She was supposed to be asleep.

You don't know. Okay, well, she's taken three damage now, and I make sure she doesn't get away. Okay. Yeah, she pulls this bolt out of her shoulder and turns to face you on the ground. What are you trying to get her to get up? No.

She's just terrified like you're going to kill her. No, I bind her hands behind her back and try to make sure she can't say anything because I'm scared she's going to cast some crazy spell. She's not going to let you tie her. She's like, what are you trying to do like didn't you do enough to me isn't it bad enough you've come all the way back here just to kill me again i don't know what you're talking about except what you did to us and the world so let's can

we just talk for a little bit please and let me just bind your hands so you don't kill anybody okay fine okay oh all right so i i tie her hands up and i march her back to everybody okay uh you take her back um you gotta see dessa get marched back in uh in tied up was she frozen by herself she was with uh her uncle magnus uh i mean uh gendy was supposed to have done something to them put put them in a deep sleep. Yeah, and Gendi's confused and says, like, what happened? So apparently someone found them, and they were just a helpful person from the mage college

that used to be here who thought they were there under the wrong pretenses and woke them up. And through a series of attacks of the orcs coming back, the orcs that were organized by Storndor, not Tetched, Tetched is from a while ago. Magnus is dead. He got killed and Dessa just barely got away, she says. And I would say you look around

And there is evidence that more orcs have been here You guys I mean I feel like we could do this right now Do which part? Well we are at an hour So I guess we'll find out On episode 45 Alright

This is some progress. Yeah, yeah. You guys made ridiculous progress. Crazy shit happened. We got away from all that shit on that. Hi, baby. Say goodbye to everybody. BrianBersane.com.

Anything you want to plug? Yeah, if you're in LA, please come see me do... I'm hosting a panel... Sorry, that was me unplugging my laptop. See me hosting a panel sorry that was me I'm plugging my laptop see me host a panel show over at Dynasty Typewriter on Thursday night anything you want to plug Blaine there I'll be at Sketchfest

in San Francisco check your local listings for that and also I'm starring in a new biopic Young Fuzzy the story of Fuzzy Zeller so come check that out. It's going to be in theaters for about 10 minutes, a week and a half.

Oh, and you know what? We're going to do, it'll probably be next time we record or something, we're going to do a drawing for some of those dice chests. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're going to give them away to Patreons. So if you guys are not a Patreon member and you want a nerd poker dice chest, you should join now because we're going to be drawing names

from our Patreon supporters to do this. Please join. Forever Nerdy. Give it to people for Christmas. Buy one for yourself. Buy another one. Use it for kindling. And a third thing. sorry that's kindler

this week at paladinos it's oh shit god save the queens reich it's all sex pistols covers with high vocals oh and I would like to thank Steve for the voice of Stormdor.

Of course. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. dot com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box

16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.