Nerd Poker - Episode 46 - Altar of Tusks

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

The Ice Five begin a descent into the den of the aboleth worshipped by the Path of the Vaunted Tusk, with a mentally liberated Gus the pseudodragon and a friendly Dame Island guard. Hopefully there won't be TOO MANY narwhal cultists down there... 

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Posehn. You're listening to Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. It's episode 46 of season three. My friends are here. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hello.

Ken. Ka-chow. Guys. Dan. Sarah. Hello. Ken. Ka-chow. Guys. Dan. Hi. Hey, buddy. Blaine. Hey, hi. At the end of the table, as always, Sam. Hi, everyone. Little Diddy. Sam. Sam Diane.

Jack. Jack. I would now like to thank some of our Patreon supporters. Little folks like Gwilym Dr. Uwud Sticky Fluid Arrowland Rando Calrissian Bruiser the Gargantuan

George Griparis Nick Bonnet Aiden Gervais Andy Parker Anne Marie Sam Boyle dot dot dot Congress Skeletor's Unemployed Andy Parker, Anne Marie, Sam Boyle, dot, dot, dot, Congress,

Skeletor's unemployed ophthalmologist, gluten-free PCP, Soren Ostergaard, Tony LaRocco, men are from Mars. Is this for the entire month? Fucking get used to this. This is our future. Men are from Mars. Beholders are from Venus. men are from men are from Mars

beholders are from Venus Grotch Sabat Blaine's successful pre-hobbit giant monsters on the horizon and Eric E

thank you thank you guys Dan sounded a little cranky about it I feel like no I was trying to keep a rhythm going and I wanted to

fit in my I was deliberately humorously caustic but that was me just trying but we did want to say that we we had missed some people in the yeah you know so we we're getting on we're on top of it guys yeah i was just talking to sarah about this but like i tried to get in three months everybody once

yeah it's at the stargoyle level and above and it just didn't work out because my spreadsheet was too uh bug fuck wonka do so i try to get a little more organized this term and I've said it's my favorite character on the Mandalorian and if I may hey Blaine hey Blaine who are those patreon supporters brought to us by patreon supporters brought to you

by by sharts nothing better for getting all the shit out of your farts Than sharts Get out of here shit God damn Jesus Christ

Hey listeners We never know what he's gonna scream in our ears either I think you've picked that up by now Well I've noticed from re-listening to a couple of them That he only blows our ears out live Sam is a good enough engineer that he evens the volume out. Everyone thinks we're crazy. Everyone does think we're crazy,

but just so you listeners at home know, Blaine has no self-awareness whatsoever. His ears are dead from too many rock concerts. I think he doesn't. He knows he's trying to torture us. He's doing something. You're pushing it to 10. He's doing a bit.

He's a bastard. He's putting it in the red. Even his bits have bits I think he's... He's a bastard. He's putting it in red. Even his bits have bits. It's great. He's a professional. There's a power in volume and dynamics. I don't think people appreciate the power of volume. He doesn't get it. Before we get to the recap,

I got some stuff from the P.O. Box. Cool. The poo box? The pissed off box. Is that the deep fried catfish box? I'll show you. What? Don't make sense of what he did.

P.O. po box. Do you want me to get loud again? I'll get loud again. What am I doing? This is the weirdest episode we've ever had. You guys smell radon. I smell radon. Do you want a break? Radon! What happened? It's the weirdest episode we've ever had. You guys smell radon. I smell radon. Do you want a break? Radon. Let's pause real quick. What happened?

So one of the things we got in the P.O. box is a gift from Amazon. More colors than a bag of sweet heat Skittles. Enjoy this pound of dice or pound-o dice. Thanks for all the laughs at O That Keller. Thanks, O That Keller. What is that? It's a pound-o dice.

Look at all those dice. Oh my gosh. We have a lot of fucking dice now. Yay. Thanks to this bag. Hold the dice. Kiss the dice. Love the dice.

It's really hard to beat just Chessix dice, too. Chessix are a beautiful thing. Yeah, Chessix is the best. WhenessX are a beautiful thing. I remember... Yeah, ChessX is the best. When I first got to start playing with you guys back in ye olden days, I asked Blaine, I was like, where's the good dice? I haven't purchased any since the 90s.

And he was like, dude, ChessX every time, buddy. Yeah, of the big companies. And then there's the dude who makes them in the back of his van, and those are special, too know van dice yeah uh sorry choking hazard this is all that on the back? Alright We got a card It says weed can grow wherever it is planted But I get what They marked out

It said hope I guess Now it says weed Can grow wherever it's planted And then there's plant And then inside it says you guys totally kick ass I've been listening to you since Sark was the shitty DM, but I'm glad that Dan is the new shitty DM. As a truck driver,

I would like to thank you for making so many long drives super interesting with your murder hobo bullshit. That's so great. Enclosed is $23 I'm sending this to you in the hopes that you'll allow a random 20 charisma tier person to enjoy the perks of the

hey boss tier I've written all the names I've used that have been shouted out on what's that last word patreon aside from my real name i'm not waste i'm not writing that on money uh thinking of you and hoping that each tomorrow is fucking

awesome that's what the card said but then he says if you allow my sponsorship i will be making a monthly habit of it because everyone needs to hear your hilarious bonus apps. Keep kicking ass. Flea 47. Alright, but I won't say your real name. His real name is Flea 45. Thank you. That's awesome.

One dollar says my real name. One dollar says Flea 47. One says Brian's best role was Clark's The Animated Series. I had several. Not many lines in that one. 69,000,

which is 69 with 68.93 931 flavors. Flavors! Yummy, yummy! Freudian. Yeah, totally. Fingers up your ass.

I also, thanks for taking the heat off my pre-haul bit, want to thank I think this gentleman handed this to me. Or maybe... Let's take a minute to remember. No, this was P.O. Box. Okay. Wasn't that weird?

I'm weird and old. I was trying to start a sentence like four times in a row and only a couple people saw me doing it. I want to thank Rob LeDuc who also sent us the hourglass a ways back he also sent us some cool books he says hi gang i felt like sending you some fun books for halloween this is a little belated thanks buddy in most cases i no not it's very much my fault we've had the books in the garage yeah yeah yeah uh he says in most

cases i chose autobiographies because they're either really insightful or just bonkers ego trips others i sent were just super fun stories i wanted to pass on thanks again for all the fun times on lonely commutes rob leduc aka and parenthetical that hourglass guy so uh he got me also tony la rosado but were they related to things that we had talked of references from the show? It sure seemed like. Yeah. He gave us, he picked out a book for each of us. Oh. Yeah, so we. I can read. Like Chris got a. Yeah,

mine's about Ska. Vincent Price. Oh. Bio. Oh, right. Oh, I'm delighted. Thank you. Yeah, that kind of thing. Cool. Well, we'll break those out after the show. He knew I was in a S ska band in the 90s. Is Daphne DiMaria in the band? We appreciate it.

Thank you, everybody. Yeah, man. Thank you, everybody. And you know what I appreciate? What happened last time? Hold on, guys. On Nerd Poker. The Ice Five traveled into a cavern on the western banks,

just outside of Dame Island. They ran into a few guards from Dame Island who were kind of thinking about weird, weird twinkly noise as Chris became the only adult to have the speaker on his phone turned on. Way to go, boss. I turned my phone completely off, just so everybody knows. Finally, somebody said it. Okay, Boomer.

So like I was saying, the guards who were waiting outside the cave were a little fraidy pants to go down there by themselves so two stayed up top to be on the lookout for dangerous folk while one went down into the caverns with the ice five the goal of course to slay the aboleth a beast from the far realms worshipped by the path of the vaunted tusk the path of the vaunted tusk. The path of the vaunted tusk being the weird cult of narwhal people that the Ice Five are now not in really great terms

with. So, you guys are heading down. My favorite is always when the music stops and your voice returns. Boom. So, anyway. I get real sassy usually for the transition just to help glide

me in there. You're a real flow from Alice. Oh, thank you. I thought from progressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too. Stephanie Courtney. So you guys have gone down into this pit. You're with one of the guards.

You know, you're going to deal with a lot of shit going on. There's slime. It's really darkly lit. I can't remember. Do you guys remember how you're lighting the way? I want to say we discussed this briefly. Maybe one of you did some thaumaturgy. Maybe when you lit a torch.

I can precede the shape fires and things like that. We have like dark vision, right? Well, I feel like I need to remind everybody every single episode, but dark vision is passive. So some of you have it. Some of you don't. It depends if you come from a background that allows you to have good eyeballs.

I would do. Yeah, I do not. I have one good eyeball and one really good eyeball. I think we talked about it, but also I'm not sure. I was thinking that we should rest. Cause I'm not sure that we actually,

we did a short rest. Yeah. You're down some hit points and spells. So funny. When we rest in game, we're going to rest. It sounds sure. when we rest in game. We're going to rest, it sounds? Sure. You don't have to.

I think I need to after that. I need sleepy sleep. Sam, we're taking a pretend rest. We're going to pretend to rest. Sam. Listen, we've been out on this highway for a while. Cool wind in our hair. Warm smell of colitis. Rising up through some beef jerky and a Slurpee.

Rising up through the air. Let's stop at that place up in the distance with the shimmering light. take either a long or a short rest. You're talking about a long rest, right?

But I think she wants a long rest so she can relearn spells. I just wasn't sure. I didn't think that we did that before we left. I just wanted to make sure before we do whatever

we're about to do that everybody is fully slotted and such. Uh, yeah, let's do it up. All right. The ground here is sticky with slime.

It's, it's gross, but if you, uh, look around, it only takes a few minutes without any kind of survival role necessary for you to find like kind of a less gross area. If you flip some of the rocks around,

you know, you start finding kind of like a flat area up on the side of the path. We can use quips, uh, feather feathery wings as a big sleeping bag, and I'll be like kittens in a big sleeping bag together. You do hear what sounds like white noise of water far down the cavern. Right now you're in this tunnel. So I don't need my machine? No, no.

No green noise, no brown noise. I don't need to tell alexa to play thunderstorm i'm not gonna pee in your feathers i'm not gonna do it not gonna do it not gonna pee your feathers nestle in my down but if you kind of go off to the side of this path yeah you can kind of get in a wall and and get a long rest where you feel like you're not sure yeah well you can't literally throw up a magic hut uh liam in style but yes yes, you can take a... No one has that anymore. Oh, we could go into... Oh, but it's really short.

Last campaign. We could go into that weird little climbing hole that you... Yeah, but it doesn't last... It only lasts an hour. It's more for short-term Heidi than it is for long-term wrestling. What happens when we find out

that's actually inside Darkthor's belly button? That was a lot cleaner than you thought. You know, if you guys ever decide to retire as adventurers and open an inn, you could call it Darkthor's Belly Button. Darkthor, would you give everyone a mint on their pillow? Absolutely.

Oh, that was Brian. Darkthor, no. Yeah, so somebody's going to be on guard. I'll do it. I'll set up. Mean Gus. The guard also offers to stay up. I mean, he doesn't have to learn spells or anything,

so he can at least take a shift. I don't trust him. I'll sit with him. Well, he introduces himself to you. Cool. What's your name? Is it Mary or Sue? My name is Dino Wareheim.

My friends call me Bacon because everybody loves bacon. I love bacon. Great. It really does. Six degrees of Dino Wareheim. You know, by the way, just for future reference, Dino is a great name, too. We could have worked with that. I kind of like bacon, though.

Oh, then bacon it shall be. Okay. You know, I came with some supplies that might be important for everybody, and I want to kind of split them amongst us. They were supposed to originally be for me and the other two soldiers, but when we saw how much of the cult was down in this tunnel, I... Yeah, those two are falling in love. Do you like bacon?

Brian is holding Licky right now, for those of you who wonder why he just said, do you like bacon, to himself. There's a dog trying to chew a wire on the side of his head. He can't see it. Do you like bacon? Do you like bacon? a dog trying to chew a wire on his side? He said he can't see it. He's pretty cute. Do you like bacon? Chris, I completely lost track of what you asked me in character.

Do you know what's just what you said? His name is bacon. All right, great. Let's let me bacon. Cool, man. Let's get one thing straight.

We're going to expect you to fight. Yeah, not a problem. Cool. You'll be the first. All right. Yeah, I came here to fight.

There just wasn't enough of us to take on. You guys are way more powerful than we are. I'll do my best. Awesome. So he shows you he's got like a little adventuring pack that's clearly beyond like normal guard rations and stuff. Inside of it, he's got three potions of water breathing. May I take those? Yep.

All right. Three potions of water. He straight up offers them to you and says, you guys are more powerful than I am. But he does remind you when you do that of something, if you want to roll a little insight check there. I would love to. Also, they're not the best water-breathing potions.

They're sort of like a store brand. Not organic. Kroger. Yeah, like your eyes it. Not organic. Kroger. Yeah, like your eyes itch. Yeah, it's not as much fun. You got a 13, Dan. Oh, yeah. You remember when Halcine was talking to the Archmage of Anzervale

that you were warned the Aboleth is most dangerous in water. Oh, yeah, I remember that. But also that it's like an aquatic, demonic kind of creature so that there's a solid chance you might still have to go in the water to do something so bad idea all right but thank you yeah i mean it looks like the guards were ready to take these three potions amongst

them but it's not enough for everybody that's great thank you bacon no problem and then he also gives you a necklace that he got from the arcanist in dame island uh as a last resort um he tells you it's very dangerous um will you do me a favor and roll a six-sided dice a d12 you mean that's a one dan that's sad that it was only one yep there's a necklace with a single bead on it oh but he tells you that throwing this bead will cause a fireball spell to go off. And they were told that, you know, there's a

solid chance if you're too close to the spell, you will die. Oh, I think. Yeah. But if you can get some damage done on this Aboleth, even underwater, this should do a fair bit of damage. So cool. Thank you, bacon. He nods and he he's also kind of divvies up amongst you some of his rations he was prepared to be

camped out for about a week so this guy's giving us everything you've guys yeah well i mean he's ready like to fight and have any bacon no thank you uh ironically that would have been great if he just had bacon but he's got jerky which is very close to bacon But he seems like you know Aware of the difference culinary wise So yeah That's first shift and then he gets sleepy And says you know I am a human so I'm gonna go crash

Well I am a warforged so I will sit Alright And why don't you do a perception check I said thanks TikTok You're welcome doctor Brian said it All right. And why don't you do a perception check? Hmm? I said, thanks, TikTok. You're welcome, doctor. Brian said it. Oh, who's that big man in the sky? It's a 19.

After eight hours of watch have gone by, you just start to hear a very familiar sound. Oh, shit. It's inside your own head. You just hear a This is a bad time for this to happen. A TikTok or Gus? Inside your head.

Can I lean on it? Do a... Not suppress it, but can I sort of follow it? I'll let you pick between a perception and an insight. I'd rather do perception. Okay.

I'm proficient in that. Go again, yeah. So is that with advantage? You can do it with advantage, yeah. Oh, shit. 12. Same. It doesn't sound like it's in the common tongue.

It's very come and go, fading in and out it sounds like multiple voices though i hear multiple voices yeah and it doesn't sound like they're speaking to you it's almost like you're just on a frequency is it proximity you're not sure uh but you've heard it before you've heard it before when i've had flashbacks But you've heard it before. You've heard it before. When I've had flashbacks. If you'd rolled higher, I would have told you when.

Gotcha. But it's familiar. Okay. You've gotten over 15. So. The last of your watch ends. The guards start stirring. The rest of these guys start waking up. You feel like from talking to... I had the weirdest dream. i was in a mall yeah i was on like i had these roller skates yeah they were like they were little dogs and i was running around these little

dogs like roller skates in a mall and then i woke up anyway what's going on are there monsters dr horshak uh so you you do think there's monsters and yeah talking to the guard it seems like you've got maybe a a full day's trip down into the cavern before you hit this thing he tells you oh and my wife was van morrison oh oh i'm glad you interrupted me to say that uh it's all coming back to me. I am. You know, once you get down there just a little bit, he says the Aboleth is rumored to be in an underwater lake. They haven't gotten good eyes on what's down there,

but they do know the path of the Vaunted Tusk meets around this lake somehow. Oh, he gave me those potions. Should we pass those out now? Yeah, it might be a good time to decide if TikTok's not going to hold all three, who is going to hold them? Because if you enter combat... We have the water walking thing, right?

We have water walking and a water breathing amulet, right? Yeah, so that's three of us. And also, cool thing, I don't breathe. Yeah. So one, two... And I can turn into a gill guy if I need to. I'm sorry, a gill guy. Darkthread, you should for sure take one, two. And I can turn into a gill guy if I need to. I'm sorry, a gill guy. Darkthroat, you should for sure take one of these.

Okay. Queep, you should for sure take one of these. Sure, I'll take one. Gus, do you breathe? Yeah, boss, I do. But I did think of something that might be helpful to say. Say it. So I'm remembering a little bit how I work.

And I think if you let me die, like let me die, I go poof. And then I can come back tomorrow. Oh, that's not how it worked last time. I think it's how it will work if you like let me die, die. Got it. Copy. Okay. I won't particularly enjoy it, but what happens is I get returned to the Feywild, and thenhuh. And then the next day, you can summon me again.

Okay, that's cool. Yeah. All right. You sound nice. Yeah. Yep. All right. You seem like you just met me for the first time.

No. Yesterday was a crazy day. I was feeling pretty solemn because I remembered some bad stuff. I still don't particularly care for it, but I have access to it. And that was a little overwhelming. That's all right. Sorry, I'm yelling into the microphone, everybody. I remind everybody, do not go in the water. That's the big one.

Do not go in the water. Well, also it has, did we talk about how it can read our thoughts? Yeah, I had a thought about that. The water? Don't think. The monster is telepathic and can read our thoughts. But what if we all came up with like a

little weird sing-songy like if you just gave yourself some little mantra to keep on saying even though you're doing other things like if it was i don't have a good the bad idea is like i'm gonna play with myself i'm gonna play with myself that's a weird one yeah just say you just kind of keep saying some weird shit to yourself over and over. I really did think it was going to be a little more tame. Because the analog is like a kid's song. Right. I'm a little tea pot. Stay Puft, Marshmallow Man, and Ghostbusters.

Right? Well, I thought it was going to be like making fun of the monster. So it like enrages him. Oh, that's a fun one. Yeah. I was just going to go feeling seven up. I'm feeling seven up. I was just going to go feeling seven up. I'm feeling seven up. Feeling seven up.

I'm feeling seven up. Feeling seven up. I like that. Feeling seven up. Feeling seven up. I'm feeling seven up. This episode of Nerd Poker brought to you by seven up. I'm going to play with myself. I'm going to play with myself.

Feeling Sierra Mist. Sierra Mist. I'm going to play with myself. Feeling Sierra Mist. Sierra Mist. I'm going to play with my I'm going to play with my I'm going to play with my Bosses love the Sierra Mist. And seven up, I guess. Whatever. Sorry, boss.

Yeah, that's it. Rhodes is a boss, too. We're being shut down. Rhodes said don't say Sierra Mist. Yeah, he got real mad at me for saying CRMS It is his line And it's his sponsor to be fair I don't want to ruin his deal with CRMS What's the thing's name?

The Aboleth? It's an Aboleth It doesn't have a name? Not yet Why? Because I was thinking of some kind of insult we could think about. Hey, Barry, we're coming for you or whatever. Yeah.

Hey, I love Mama Mia and Fernando. Aboleth. Aboleth. Ah. Hi. Well, hopefully you guys will not keep making those references or there will be an SOS. So you guys are now going to...

Head farther down into the cave. But I would just say, think about that. Like maybe try and actively de-think. Yeah, I got one ready to go. Oh, cool. So you travel for a few hours. It's slippery.

It's uncomfortable. It feels like, like however you see signs after a while that indeed creatures have that's road singing in the background anyone's wondering what the if they're having like a hallucination right now miss you'll get mad you do see there's clearly been creatures going down this path uh there's there's tracks in the slime. There's signs of doing it. I understand there's there's going to tell him to stop. There's signs that they've the path of the vonitus has made camp farther down and and the tunnel kind of goes in a spiral and about halfway through the day. The spiral opens up and you can see the middle. You're going now down in a spiral

around a large vertical cavern and you can see over the edge. There's also there's a pit. Yeah, there's an open pit that you're starting to go down. How wide is it? It's a few hundred feet wide. It's very large.

Darker, you're recognizing this as something that may have been for drow at some point but there's so much slime on the walls you don't think like a elven civilization would allow this kind of grossness to keep happening and this sort of weird evil that's producing slime all over the stone is sort of taken over so there's probably not currently any drow but this may have originally been dug out and traveled by drow elves okay and so as you start going down um yeah on the right side there is this open pit area where you feel as you're descending you could maybe take some peeks over the side and see what's down there like chernobyl i don't remember that moment in the miniseries.

However, I did. Oh, it was bad, Dan. Oh, Dan, it was a bad moment. Oh, Dan, Google it. Watch it on YouTube. It was bad. Should we pause now so we can all find that moment? Everybody, we're going to take a quick break to watch the entire HBO miniseries, Chernobyl.

Excellent. And we're back. I want to kill myself. Wow, that was a bummer. First responders have my undying respect. So what are you guys going to do? Sam, did you get that at a point? Doctor, do you think we should go explore?

Could this be like an old house of yours or something? Not of mine, but it does look familiar. Do you want to sort of lead us through it? Sure. All right. Are you going to look over the side? Yeah. So do a perception check, please.

13. All right. So as you look over the side, realize the air is so humid. There's kind of a fog, and you can't see the other side still. So it is a few hundred feet across. You see there's enough of a curve in the path that you guess it's about 300 feet between your side of this spiraling vertical shaft and the other side. But you can't quite see it because the fog kind of cuts it off uh looking down you feel like you see something move but

it's way too far away to be able to tell but it looks like a an organic being that's it's it's too foggy to really make out how big it is you You just see like little tiny shape kind of fuzzy. But how far away? It's about as far down as this tunnel is wide at this point. Okay. Alright.

Keep going. I see something down there. Do we hear anything? Why doesn't everybody do a perception check now? Alright then. Two. Dr. Uy, you hear the sound of your blood pressure increase. Oh, I had one of those weird things where one of the cells in my ear died.

Is that what that is? That is nerve cell dying. I have permanent tinnitus from chemotherapy, and every once in a while I'll just get that, but I think that's dying. I have a permanent tinnitus from chemotherapy and every once in a while I'll just get that, but I think that's just because that's a natural thing. That's the sound of a nerve cell dying in your ear. That's the sound of a nerve cell dying in your ear. What?

Whether or not that's what it is. It's definitely not the sound of like a cell with vocal cords crying out in agony. They say it's where people are talking about you, but no, it's part of your brain dying. I had one of those today. What did everyone else get on the perception roll

before this extremely dark tangent? Thirteen. Fourteen. Was it one of the musketeers? Which roll? Twelve. I thought you meant because I had a brain aneurysm. Oh, no. Guys, remember that?

Hey! It never strays from my thoughts. I was even more worried than I was when I thought Blaine had died. It's been a crazy three years,

this Trump presidency. Oh, God. The Trump thing. I forgot. Little clap. Remember when Hawaii almost died? Oh, God. The Trump thing. I forgot. A little clap. Remember when Hawaii almost died? Oh, right. That was great.

Chris, were you the one with the 16? I was, Dan. I was. You do hear what just sounds like grunts echoing up from the bottom, but it's very quiet. From like where he saw the thing? Yeah, from like down about 300 feet. Like animal grunts or possibly a more sentient creature? Organic creature.

Hard to tell. There is grunting. Hey, boss, you want me to sneakify a situation? Yeah, but real stealthy like. Here's what I think I would do. I would actually crawl down the slimy wall. Ooh, careful on that wall, pal. Well, first of all, I'm going to sing my little 7-Up song to myself.

That's right. And then I'm going to carefully go down, but I'm gonna sing my little 7-Up song to myself That's right And then I'm gonna carefully go down But I'm gonna ask you to roll a stealth check for me As I do this I will believe you are Stealth and then perception Alright, stealth, you got a 20, not natural Oh, holy shit, that's still pretty great

And perception, you get an advantage. 17. So it takes him a little while, and you notice he does not check in with you telepathically to tell you what he sees. But after about 20 minutes, he crawls back up, and he reports to you

verbally in a whisper. He says, I think we should be pretty quiet so i saw some little scary it's one of those lobster mans remember the lobster mans and there's two fishy mans jacked ones jacked ones then there's one of those little narwhal people remember the tusk folk oh yeah we remember them. There's one of those. Those guys that dark their hate. Hey, sour boy. Yes. One of those Tusky folk that stabbed you.

Well, I hate all these fuckers. There's one of those. I don't hate any one more than the other. I hate them all equally. What about the one that exploded himself? The juggernaut? Well, that's the thing. So there's a little one swimming around.

Oh, so there's water down there. Yeah, there's a lake. They there's a little one swimming around. Oh, so there's water down there. Yeah, there's a lake. They're at the surface of a lake. And he's like swimming around, making weird clicky noises. And then there's a big, giant tusk guy. Really big. Oh, my goodness. How big?

And he's kind of looking around to see if people like me are sneaking by. Oh my goodness. And he's kind of looking around to see if people like me are sneaking by. Can I suggest that maybe we just drop explosives or something? Well, you do have a brand new explosive. We have one, but we got to follow it up. I could call lightning down on them though. Yeah, let's bury this hole. I just want to say one more thing uh strategically uh well two two things really uh there there is sort of loose rock all along

the way so i had to be careful climbing up and down if i had maybe not done as well with my stealthy times i might have knocked one over also there's a weird creepy altar and one of the buff fishy mans is like doing prayers at it and it looks like he's doing the prayers to the swimming around Tusk folk guy and they're making some weird clicky noise language together like they're trying to have some kind of ritual I don't care for it very much

Doctor would you anything about an altar down here or what type of person they're praying to? Does that make sense to me? Um It doesn't particularly ring a bell with you. I would say right away you would go. That doesn't sound like my background.

I would let anyone who wants to do an insight or a religion check try to piece together what's happening. Don't we know already that they pray? You know they pray to something called the deep holy. So maybe they're appropriating deep holy. Is that a thing? Creatures can appropriate some other god's altar, tomb?

Maybe. Okay. But if you want to do a religion or an insight, I will tell you the difficulty is very high because there's really not a lot here. 16. I got it. 18.

What'd you get there, Ken? 15. Okay. Yeah, none of you really remember any. No, I would have needed a 20 or higher. Can we maybe lure them up to us? Would you guys like me to represent on the cork board kind of what's going on? Please.

I'm going to take a minute. Hey, Blaine, you don't have anything banked that I can play with toys, do you? Well, I went to comedy night the other night at Palladino's. Oh, I didn't know they were doing comedy. Yeah, I guess you did mention they were doing it. It was pretty cool. How was that? I saw, you know who the headliner was? No, I have no idea they were doing... Yeah, I guess you did mention they were doing that. It was pretty cool. How was that? I saw...

You know who the headliner was? No, I have no idea. Ozzy Oswalt. Ozzy Oswalt. Oh, okay. Very funny. Very funny. That's good.

Yeah. And he did a couple of things from Ratatouille. Oh. Like Round and Round. Oh. Hmm? And... Oh, so now these Things These jokes are just

Yeah and also Combining willy nilly Yeah and then I saw Eight is enough's enough There's no like logic to These jokes Yeah Yeah and uh

Roddy Roddy James Is that eight Enough's enough? Yeah Okay I get those Both those things

Yeah And uh Turkey Rubin Kincaid Was their manager So what's the concept here? I get those both those things yeah and Turkey Ruben Kincaid was their manager so what's the concept here food and comedy

but people but hair metal are you guys am I the only one who smells the radon in here

I feel like I feel like radon O'Malley from MASH right yeah dude I'm telling you here's the altar I, I'm telling you.

Here's the altar. I'm high as fuck. Oh, and I also saw Loretta Sweet. I would love to do something else, but before I do it, put your guys' running order. Put your guys' running order. Oh, thank God. I guess I'm the stealthiest.

This looks like a level of doom, Dan. Wait, do we need to go down there? But we're up here. But what I want to show you is what you pieced together is happening down there. Okay. I fell. We don't have a running order because we're not going anywhere yet, I guess. No, but just in case something you do causes action to happen,

let's have what you've been going down the tunnel thus far as. You can change it in a second. But we're not at the bottom. We're still up here. No, but Gus scouted and he saw some stuff so I'm going to put some toys out. I'm scared. You should be. It's fucked up stuff. Let's clump a little more. I thought we were clumped.

You don't need to be super organized yet, but I would think if you're planning on, say, dropping a boulder on these guys or something. Let's just be... I think I'm thinking further away from fish monsters but I mean yeah we're above them

we're 300 feet above them does anyone have a rocket launcher I basically do it's called called lightning I can't cast I think I can cast it underground there needs to be room for a storm cloud together, but it seems like this area has that.

A lot of humid, yeah. So that's very humid. Also, I don't know if the electricity will travel through water, but that would be great. Oh, well, water's a great conductor. I have a very special toy to show you guys. Ooh, is this from Sean Bryant? It sure is from Sean Bryant.

We've been teasing it for a while. He 3D printed this, and I just had time today because he drove it to my house, and I only had time to prime it and throw a really rough, quick beginnings of paint on it. Okay. But look at this motherfucker. Why do you have to work blue, Dan? Oh, no, it's big. Holy shit.

Oh, it's Jabberjaw. Oh my god. Gnar-wall. Gnar-all. Dang. So he is hanging out. It's awesome. We're doomed. Yeah, we're very, very doomed. That's what blew up on you guys. One of those. So that's the same sign.

So we recognize that same scale. Uh-huh. And did this thing blow up on us because of the chanting that was going on down in the vat? No, he had a bomb. He had a bomb, and he set the bomb off because he didn't get what he wanted.

I remember a couple episodes ago. Oh, right, right. Except that guy had like a big bomb steam kind of like drum strapped to his chest. We should find another one of those. That's what that guy looked like. Except that guy had a big bombed steam drum strapped to his chest. We should find another one of those. And we can see this is

a flat representation of a helix, right? Correct, exactly. And we can see these guys from where we are. You're so high up right now. This is Gus's report. But there's no way to see these guys from where we are not quite you're so high up right now we're just getting gus's report yeah this is gus's report okay but but there's no way to see these guys from where we are not yet you need to you would have to stealth or if you want charge in uh from where guys let's stealth up who's

following me come on let's go i can can i could i cast like call lightning yeah yeah any anything else you want to do there's a lot of the only thing is you guys want to get closer i mean however we want what's the range on call lightning now you're about 300 feet up right now so it's probably 120 feet so so you could get halfway there and yeah try to stealth close and just kadush yeah i almost wonder if maybe we're better off maybe not getting so close if we all have some substantial more rangy things we could do and also if we lure them up they will be be stuck on the walkway, I would think. Then it's a little more rather than facing them all at once. But the storm cloud appears centered on a point I can see 100 feet directly above me.

But then I can choose a creature within range to get the lightning strike. There needs to be room for a storm cloud above me, is there? Yes. There's a big open shaft here. So you could totally have a storm cloud get summoned above it. So you're going to try and sneak closer, Halcine? Should we just all try

to sneak closer and then just bombard every attack we have at one time? TikTok, do you have the fireball necklace? I do, but I can certainly share it because I have my bow, and I have a pretty good range on that. All right. Who's a good thrower? What would that be?

If we're throwing it, would that be a dark thrower? Doctor? Queep? One of you guys are pretty good throwers? Would that be athletics? We could fly above and drop it. Oh, Queep. that would be in athletics yeah

I have good athletics I can fly I used to play squash with my faculty friends well back when you had I don't want to get into I shouldn't have mentioned it

but that would be a one two punch you could do the fireball and the lightning so I'll give that to queep then okay all right

it looks pretty around your throat are you all gonna travel as a group and try to get within lightning range I can I'm good for 150 feet is that what your range was yeah should we stealth it down to that

point at least I think you should do at range yeah I'm guessing this is also a time those of you with ranged weapons are considering your options. Yes. So why don't you all do a stealth check for me, please? You're actually going to be rolling against these beings is perceptions.

17. Oh, no. Oh no Every time I get excited about something Their high roll was a 13 Which is kind of low What was your lowest I botched Woof okay 17

12 8 Oh it's 17 woof okay 17 12 8 oh it's 17 okay so two of you kind of just knock a rock slightly to the side near the bottom of your thing you get about

how low are you with your botch add your bonus to it but but what was your stealth with the one? What's your plus to it? It's okay. So you get a four or a three? Three. You only make it about another

halfway around, so you want to get within 120 feet to call lightning. You get about 200 feet away from the bottom of the spiral when one of the you hear a clack and then you hear some uh you know kind of warbling noises as these fish folk are speaking to each other um and at this point you can see you do get far enough where you can kind of see through the fog you're a little more this way now um and you can

see after some discussion the lobster fella starts crawling up the path well you're not that well no no no no that that's way too close yeah right there right where tick tock is that's the farthest you got should we uh run to within range yeah i, I'm going to fly out. Yeah, I think we should just... I'm going to fly out and down. And these are... This is open to this... The middle is open. Okay.

And this guy is in a lake. These guys are kind of at an altar. This guy seems to be centered on the altar. And this guy is kind of just like looking around, guarding everybody else at the altar. He's probably just... How close do I have to be, really? I just drop it on them.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I'm going to fly out. You do feel like you'd have to get parallel. Right now, you're up about 150 feet, so you'd have to come down a little bit, like Blaine said earlier, and kind of like a helix. So you would have to go like, boop, right around here-ish. Maybe higher than

that right like like here yeah i'm gonna do that and toss this shit all right why don't you do a stealth check to try to fly over their heads but i am keeping a distance yeah and if this is effective then i want to move forward into position is there anything over the top of these guys what does there is there anything over them no there's nothing is there anything behind the top of these guys? What does there... Is there anything over them? No, there's nothing over them. Is there anything behind them on the wall? No. It doesn't look... Just rock.

If we wanted to drop stuff on them, how far up is the ceiling above them? If you were to come all the way around up the spiral here, you would be about 400 feet above them. Got it. Okay. So always. Yeah.

And what's the ceiling look like? It's pretty hard to see. It's up. But at a certain point, a few hundred feet. Acoustic tiles probably. But like a ways back, it was originally a tunnel and it opened up. Okay. So let's see how this goes.

Because I want to take the opportunity, if it works, to just move into position immediately. I'm going to re-roll that. So yeah, you get right above him. Nice. And you just see the juggernaut kind of look up like right at you. Throwing.

Dropping his mouth. Roll an athletics check, my friend. Drop it like it's hot. Tell him it's a good plenty. Roll that again. It's kind of ticked to the side. It's leaning on other dice. 23.

Is that an actual? 24. What did you roll? 18. Oh, thanks. 18 in life. You got it. I'm just pulling this up.

Okay. Oh, never mind. You're going to hit this juggernaut with the fireball. I'm flying away immediately. So I'm going to need you to... First, he's going to do a dexterity saving throw. I did go to Paladino's on Jamaican night. I saw a pulled Bjork

He rolled a 20 on his Dexterity saving throw so he's going to have this damage But you get to roll 8d6 Oh cool That's 86 sided 6 10 16

17 10. 16. 17. You get four. 23. 27. 32. One more. 34. 34.

Nice. All right, so Queed. Cool. It's like a little clear stand. It's like one of those cat toys. Yeah, exactly. We have to glue it, so it's not going to work. It's like a clear stand, and it's also like a cat toy. It's like both those things.

It's like a clear thing that would have carpet on it, and would play on it but it doesn't it's tiny too tiny for cats you all see this guy's getting pretty close and you feel like he's almost making eye contact with tiktok and all of a sudden you just see this orb of flame explode a couple hundred feet down here as it just smacks into the top of the juggernaut's head. His body shields it from the rest of these guys, but he gets knocked into the water. I bet he'll drown. Back there.

I'm going to have all you guys roll for initiative, please. I'm going to drop some pectin on his gills. Don't say your number as soon as you get it. I feel like I need to say that every once in a while. 57. No! I need to get everybody's stuff. This is for initiative? It is. Yep.

Brian, when you have 18 to life, your crime is time, right? Yeah. I like that we used our last resort Brian when you have 18 in life your crime is time right yeah I like that we used our last resort first 18 in life you know crime is time and it's 18 in life to go hey TikTok what'd you get

I got a 22 hell yeah hey Halseen what'd you get 16 hey Queep what'd you get a nan you got a nan your mimong Dr. Ud

I got a 1 you don't have a bonus to your initiative give us your bonus I got a 4 you're a silly boy but I botched my initiative which means I guess I just gotta go home I got a four. You're a silly boy. But I botched my initiative, which means I guess I just got to go home.

Darkthor, what'd you get? Oh, God, it was so long ago now. 15. Awesome. And the guard rolled a 12. I didn't say 18. We got 18 in life because I said something else. That wasn't because of the roll, right?

I think he said something else. Oh, okay. I got it. You do Borat voice 18 in life. Sorry. Oh, ow, ow, ow. Oh, my pancreas. Ah, my pancreas. Ow.

I've heard it all now, though. Borat Skid Row reference. Hey, TikTok, you're up I will shoot Lobster Dave in the face Oh Lobster Dave It's my favorite violent femme song. Roll to attack please

That is Oh you know what you're gonna need to No actually he's within range i was i was assuming because he closed it he was within okay i got a uh 21 that is definitely a hit great i will do uh it's 11 points of damage nice um i'm gonna save up my magic for that big dude I will shoot him again okay 18 oh that is another hit oh good so that is eight points of piercing damage to lobster Dave cool So you just see these things. Oh my God, please don't do that in the microphone. I think that was a brain cell.

What, who? It was one of my brain cells. I heard that too. Somebody's talking about your brain cells. So yeah, you sort of Dear God. Pop them in the torso with a couple and just kind of goes...

Keep away. Great. And that will bring us to him. So he's him. What you gonna do about him? Look that up, Sam. Gonna have to do without him. As a follow-up from rupert holmes the pini colada guy yeah 20 to hit that hits me i assume two hit wonder he is coming after you tick

tock so here comes a big old pincer that's gonna oh i'll give you such a pince I'll give you such a pince You take 14 points of bludgeoning damage Jesus Right on the nays This guy's not messing around You are now grappled in his claw He's going to try to grab at your face Grab my face

Uh huh Yikes try to grab your face. Grab my face? Uh-huh. Yikes. He's going to use the tentacles that seal his little earthworm-looking mandibles hanging out of his maw. He's going to latch them onto you. Yuck. I'm going to need you to do a constitution saving throw. Constitution

saving throw. Or get grossed out. To the max. Oh my God. So grody. I am resistant to poison and immune to disease. Does that mean anything to you? Guess what happens automatically.

What's that? He, well, no, you're resistant. You're not immune. So do roll. Yeah. This is just poison. Okay. But you get to roll with advantage.

Oh, well, then I roll that again. Better. That's a 22, Dan. You managed to just slap it away. I mean, you feel like there's some kind of poison in those things because they do have like a bit of a stinging quality. I don't know you like that. You handle it, yeah, just going to pop it away.

You're like Nemo in one of them anemones. Halcine, you're up. So I'm still not close enough to cast call lightning on the rest of everyone? On the rest of them anemones. Halcine, you're up. So I'm still not close enough to cast call lightning on the rest of everyone? On the rest of them, no. You could get it on that guy, but you'd have to run past this. He's called a chul. A what? A chul. C-H-U-U-L.

Isn't it chul? Wasn't that like chewable gum? He's like a cannibalistic humanoid. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm gonna attack, I guess. I guess I'm just gonna attack with a sword for right now

if it's that close. You're gonna run up to him, bring your mini up there, and roll to attack, please. To get him away from... Yeah, feel free to put put your if you need it the path is a little wider than these dwarven forge so you can do what sarah's doing um

so that is a sorry sorry sorry sorry it is narrow enough you can't run past him without him taking an attack of opportunity like trying to smack you uh 21 okay that's a hit okay so that's um seven points of damage great

do you have another uh action good question uh no i don't have another action i thought i had two attacks but i think that's a different that's a grima so i think you might be right grima bonus episode character you guys she is stout she is small grima you can listen to her attack a sphinx on this last month's bonus episode so that's your turn oh um i can also actually i'm going to use my shield master action to try to shove it. Ooh. And he gets to do a contested strength check with that, right? So yes, you rolled a 23.

If that's the case, why'd you make an sound in front of it? I was rooting. I still root for you guys, even though I'm your fate is in my hand. So I just, I know that's going to be tough to contest if she's doing a strength check with this shield bash. I'm just waiting for her to roll, but she's reading. Hey, Blaine, what's the shield bash

brought to us by? Oh, man. A lot of folic acid in it, right? Folic acid and V8. Vitamins A, B, C. If you get the good stuff, it's got the folic molly in it, and you can just party all night. Just get a pacifier. Make sure you drink a little Gatorade.

Have some chocolate so you don't get like eye darts. Party safe, everybody. Yeah, man. Yeah, party safe. Thanks, Brian. Thanks for putting it

into layman's terms for me. Yeah. Because we want you to party. We want you to party like nuts. Absolutely. But party safe. Okay.

Party safe. That's the key, brother. Yeah, have your parents pick you up. Let them know where you're going to be and when you're going to be coming down so have your parents pick you up. Let them know where you're going to be and when you're going to be coming down so your parents can pick you up.

Wear a flashlight around your neck. Hydrate. Oh, yeah. Always. And I can't emphasize this enough, Dan. Remember. Blaine. Get chipped.

That's how they find me when I start wandering the streets hungry for a can of tuna. You've got to get chipped. That's the key to partying gay brian you're up you got a duct tape kitchen knives onto your hands uh not for the joke your character dark through story can actually take an action in this game what's happening huh doug's dragons uh let's do it a character i got in real deep you can tell because i prompted you both both uh visually and then verbally dark their story can do attacks on folks. What would he like to do?

Oh, yeah. Okay. Lightning arrow. I wish you'd try. Roll to attack place. Yeah. What's this? At the chule?

Of course. Okay. Is it cherry chule? Is that like the cigarette vape thing? Is that a straw? Is that exactly from that? Yeah. Exactlype thing? Is that a strike? Yeah, exactly. 24. Nice. That's a hit.

Alright. Remind how this lightning arrow works for listeners. These cards are so hard for me to read. They're a size zero font. Next time you make a ranged weapon attack during the spell's duration, the weapon's ammunition or the weapon itself, if it's a thrown weapon, transforms into a bolt of lightning

and make the attack roll as normal. The target takes 4d8 lightning damage on a hit or half as much on a miss. If you remember, you did this to the giant. Even if this arrow misses the collateral lightning damage of just its sailing by because it's a lightning bolt, we'll do some damage. Whether you hit or miss,

each creature within 10 feet of the target must make a dexter. So TikTok being held there, Halcine just having taken a swing will also have to do a dexter to try to dodge it. That's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't think about that. Should I have shot? It's too late. It is too late.

Do it. We want to cook this dude. All right. Halcine and TikTok, please do it, Dexter. Do I have to do a different level for... Did you see the higher levels? You're not that high. No, you're not casting this at a higher level. Okay, cool.

I mean, you would have to prep it at that level, but I don't think doing that because you're a ranger. 17. I kind of got hardly any on him. 17. What'd you get, TikTok? Six.

Uh-oh. I only got like seven points on him. Okay. Well, so TikTok, you're going to take? Eight, actually. Sorry. All right. Halcine, you're going to take half.

You're going to take four points. If an effect allows half damage on success, I can use my reaction to take no damage using my shield master evasion. Oh, fuck. My shield master evasion. Clerics, you guys. They get all sorts of fancy shit. So thanks for clarifying.

That's what it's about. You're going to take eight points of lightning damage. Shield master evasion? Oh, master evasion um oh master evasion hey wow when you're looking for it do you take your damage i did like masturbation uh he fails his save and his strength check so uh he takes uh the full eight points damage but also drops tick tock so sweet you are now no longer grappled uh nicely

and now this juggernaut is going to take his turn you see him climb out of the water and he roars something in a fishy like language that is unintelligible to you guys but has lots of warbles and clicks like sounds like a murloc in world of warcraft and you just see really long strides holy shit he gets almost there oh no he is very pissed off holy shit and on that note that's the end of the episode hey is that gonna be short that's an hour no it's an hour 56 minutes hey sam hi everyone what do you think uh happened on episode 46 today? I think that deep down I laugh because I would like to rest.

Gus seems to want to die. I hope that he's happy and has found peace. Dark there is leading us through the fog and we all trust him and love him. There's an Andy Griffith style lake at the bottom of this hole. And there's a few people at the bottom minding their own business in their safe holy space. So we're going to kill them. We're getting within lightning range moving gracefully and definitely

the lobster man has come up the stairs. So tick tock ran down to be immediately captured when Rupert Holmes found a pack of cigarettes that didn't belong to him. He wondered if the woman in his life was cheating in him through song. Dark Thur helped our heroes

fight the lobster creature by shooting TikTok and Halcyon with lightning. And the big fish man is coming. Fuck. Big fish man. I hate that fucker. I was trying, I was just saying, I was just about to send you the Wikipedia link for Chules because I looked it up for you.

What, please, it was a defunct brand of chewing gum I was just about to send you the Wikipedia link for Chules because I looked it up for you. Please. It's a defunct brand of chewing gum with a liquid center that oozed out when chewed. Oh, yeah. That's how I remembered it. It was like Freshen Up. It was sort of like the Hydrox to the Oreos of Freshen Up. But I will say that they have the jingle in here

and nothing is as chilling as a jingle that has no punctuation other than periods. Did you paint this while you were asleep? I'll answer that question when we're not interrupting. Can we hear it? Smack dab in the middle. Smack dab in the middle. Is it a chant?

This is the punctuation. Smack dab in the middle of the gum is the secret to Jules' sugarless fun. Is this a manifesto? Let me finish because I'm getting to the good part. secret to Jules' sugarless fun. Is this a manifesto? Just let me finish because I'm getting to the good part. A delicious center filling where others have none comma smack

dab in the middle of the gum period. Ezekiel saw the wheel smack dab in the middle of the gum. Brian, I mentioned this earlier, but I think you're enjoying one of your delicious chule pen puffs. Yeah, I did really quick, just basic. When Sean Bryant gave me this guy, he was actually like see-through.

Oh, okay. And he gave it to me at 6 o'clock, like just an hour before Sarah picked me up. So I did a primer coat on him, and then I just threw some blue on him so he didn't look naked. Because he's so big, I was like, if he's single color, it would be a little boring.

I just thought I would give him some creepy gold eyes. Does he have a couple sets of eyes? Yeah, he's got six eyes. All these guys, this little guy's got six eyes, too. I hate him so much. Oh, that's very cool. How do we kill him? Thank you, Sean.

I can't wait for you to do it. Smack dab in the middle of his chewy center. Let that liquid flow. Smack dab in the middle. Smack dab in the middle. Thanks, everyone. Smack dab in the middle. his smack dab in the middle smack dab in the middle smack dab in the middle brianposain.com make sure you go to brianposain.com and get to the chewy middle of his website

follow us on patreon smack dab in the middle of that website become a sponsor for more don't forget to dab your smacks smack dab in the middle also go watch me and Stacy Keach and Wicked at the Pantages. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Ceno, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. Hey, everybody. And we're back. Hey, everybody.

Hey, everybody. I just saw the Joker, you guys. Number nine. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Posehn, and you're listening to Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Which episode is this? This is episode 46. Oh, thanks.

We're going to see it again? 47? Jesus Christ. 46. 46. We're going to start over. We'll keep going going this is it This counts

This is what they tune in for It's 4 o'clock in the morning I must be crazy