Nerd Poker - Episode 48 - Murder at Slime Lake

Episode Date: December 17, 2019

The brutal battle between the Ice Five and the aboleth rages, with the party repeatedly stretched to the absolute limit of the powers. Hopefully they will be able to take out these cosmic murder fish before things get too dicey.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 48 of season three. Holy shit, that's a lot of hours of nerdy comedy. This is the longest campaign officially starting this episode that we've done since the reboot. Thank you. That guy's a mystery guy. You don't know who that is yet. I haven't introduced him yet.

His face, God, he hates me with his face. He's really good at it. Is it George Kennedy? Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hi. Ken.

Hi, Brian. Here he is, everybody. Dan. Hi. Blaine. I was going to say it was another Ken. And that's the end of the table. Sam.

Hi, everyone. Sam has a mic. You guys again? Yep. And in Russia, Mike has a Sam. It's everyone. Sam has a mic. You guys again? Yep. And in Russia, Mike has a Sam. It's orange. Yes, it is. We all have.

Yeah, except for me. I'm black in like my heart and soul. I'm Big Bird, like in my heart and soul. I'm hot pink, like when I present my butt to scare off other larger monkeys. Oh, no. People forget you're a man. Chris matches his sweatshirt. when I present my butt to scare off other larger monkeys. Oh, no. People forget you're a man. Chris matches

his sweatshirt. I have a green sweatshirt and a green poker sweatshirt. Thank you. I'm sad because I'm blue. You're wearing a lot of gear tonight.

Oh, man. I am. My sweatshirt came in thanks to Sarah and I happen to be wearing my Gus shirt. I'm nerd pokered up. As excited as I am,

would you please wear that outfit at another podcast? Perhaps a video podcast? Sure. We should take a picture of that outfit at another podcast? Perhaps a video podcast? Sure. We should take a picture of that outfit. Yeah, you're going to pose. Stand in front of the screen screen.

Let's have him do some pinup poses by the Christmas tree. Sexy calendar boy? Sure, sure. You can get your very own. You look like a transformer pool table. I take that as the highest of compliments. I was just going to say, I've told this story story before but that my sister and i had a magic set um when we were kids that we were obsessed with it because on the box it said in really there's like you know little boy doing all the tricks and then

on the box in like tiny tiny print at the bottom it said little boy not included i forgot about this it's so funny And you know It is And I was like On packaging in the 80s It was just I wish I had a photo of it But anyway

I was going to say We can take a picture of Chris Wearing all his nerd poker gear But Chris Tallman Will not be included But you can get your own You should Your own Chris Tallman

He can be included Unfortunately he's not included Is the point But the gear could be Yours The little boy That was included Has got to be fully grown by now. You got some money there?

Oh, yeah. Matt, one of our listeners, came up to me at Tiki Land Traders and gave me some cash because he's a big fan of the show. So thank you, Matt. And you blew it all away. Marshmallow. Immediately. Sweet heat skittles.

Tiki drinks. Enjoy your tiki mugs. Any? We have Patreon supporters They go by names like Thank you, by the way Thank you That's an interesting name You're welcome

I misarranged my sentence and it came out As dumb as it could Someone's named I misarranged my sentence And it came out as dumb as it could. Someone's named I misarranged my sentence and it came out as dumb as it could. Listeners, Brian will never forget what I just said. That's a great Patreon name. Listeners, Brian will never forget

what I just said. I will get my revenge against each person here. Like Uma Thurman. I will murder everyone at this table. We are at about an hour. Thank you.

My next show is going to be Wednesday at Merry Christmas. That's the closing music. Thank you, Patreon supporters who go by names like Queeps Cloaca of Holding.

Thank you, Queeps Cloaca of Holding. Thank you, Admiral Sourboy's Throbbing Tugboat. Thank you, Graham Fritz. Thank you, Zen Smoke. holding thank you cleaves cloaca of holding thank you admiral sour boys throbbing tugboat graham fritz thank you zen smoke thank you panthro's bulge that's a skeletor's dick reference thank you t ron kf or tron kf thank you green eyes thank you jimmy davis thank you brian's brussels sprouts burps thank you old crannon the raging weenus thank you james dtj thank you star goat see which i think

is a stargoyle joke thank you jonathan meyer thank you fint the druid thank you boognosis thank you wild garlic thank you josh gilming and thank you time boats boat scrote thank you guys yeah thanks guys still stuck on boognosis nice job everybody there's some i found some boognosis stuck under this chair when I sat down. I have a horrible Bugnosis. I got it lanced and spiders came out. Speaking of things that got lanced, let's talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker.

The Ice Five traveled down into a cave, one where the rocks were covered in layers of greenish slime, to assault the Aboleth, a strange, faraway cosmic beast that lived in the water and was worshipped by the Path of the Vaunted Tusk. The Ice Five approached a small group of the Narwhal folk and their friend, the Chul, worshipping at some sort of altar. They got the jump on them fuckers, but as the melee ensued, some fun stuff happened. The Aboleths surfaced, both Aboleth Jr. first,

and then Mama Aboleth. They pretty much murdered the juggernaut, narwhal dude to death. Murdered him to death right there. And then launched his corpse, Tusk first, Lansing, Mama Aboleth. So a couple other details I'm going to remind the listeners three members of the party one of them being in nbc are currently underwater um they got sucked

in there by a water pulse from one of the aboleths so right now dargther a charmed queep and a guard are all underwater and um maybe i should be a little more specific for our listener it is specifically enslaved you are enslaved by the abolish like goodness so it's it's not a great thing to have happened to you it is a charm spell and we learned I believe last episode actually that Hal seen almost had it happen to her, but she has advantage against charm spells, so she managed to keep her head in the game.

But as far as what we're going to do next about this, I will say there is another guy, another narwhal guy, somewhere in the water that you can't see. Okay. And up next in the fight order is Dargthyr. Hey, Dargthyr. Yeah. I'm going to need you to do

a dexterity check, not a saving throw, just to see if you're going to automatically get your bearings in the water or if you're going to be kind of topsy-turvy disoriented at the beginning of your turn. So whatever.

Yeah, you got a bonus for coming up. Hey, Blaine, what was this bonus research brought to you by? T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y. Night. T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y. Night. T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y. Day. Day or night. Thursday. It's the greatest place to be when you're between Wednesday and Friday.

T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y. Night and day. Back to you, Dan. Keep on dancing to the night and day. Of T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y. Thursday. keep on dancing to the night and day of t thursday thursday this is the karaoke duet with blade i've always wanted uh do you find your dex bonus yeah it's i'm gonna say you need to beat a 12 shit you lost your deck i could beat a 12 i I'd never leave the house. I was trying to fill time.

It was a 12. Oh, beautiful. Okay, so you're still underwater, but you're able to right yourself during the last water sec. So you're underwater. You're about six feet underwater. You can tell above you, like, okay, six feet up, I can see the surface of the water.

You see, I'll even put you like this. Just keep in mind you're underwater. That's not like your head poking out of it. You can see the bottoms of these three creatures, the two aboleths and the juggernaut. For our Baltimore listeners, our characters are underwater. Because they're kind of big. But right now, that's because they're in front of you

you're not entirely sure where queep and the guard are in the water with you or even whether they're in the water okay can i see their bottoms uh i will tell you only do one thing or can i just you can take regular actions like you're in combat you're just gonna have a little bit of a problem because you're six feet underwater can i swim towards the top it problem because you're six feet underwater. Can I swim towards the top? You're six feet under. It'll take half your movement to get up to the surface. Okay. You can move

six feet in either direction, which will take you closer to melee range. You could potentially take a swipe at the Aboleth if you want to swim towards the Aboleth Junior. No, I want to get out of the water okay yeah you can come up here right by the am i out yep oh cool kind of by the edge there though i'm gonna make you did you come out of the water like phoebe

gates and fast times at richmond huh sure. I'll be in the bathroom. Oh, no! I think that's gross. Can you imagine us here with Judge Dredd? Doesn't anybody ever fucking knock anymore? Alright, is that going to be your turn? Do you want to try any kind of ranged attack, Brian? Yeah.

What are you going to do? Tell listeners. Kissy noises. Long bow. Okay. What are you going to do? Tell listeners. Kissy noises. Longbow. Okay. At Mommy over here. Okay.

Longbow at Mommy. Yeah. Saw them open for Rage Against the Machine. That'll be... I'll give it to you. You guys need a 17 to hit these applets. Okay. Nope.

Alright, that's a miss. Up next, that will be your turn, Brian, unless you want to use some sort of additional thingamadoo. That is it. It would have been the Juggernaut, who is now dead. So I'm going to take him out of the running order. The guard is up. He is also going

to try to do a quick dex check to see if he can see what's going on. Come on, Bacon! Get out of that frying pan! Shout out to your brother! Everybody get together! A little more bacon right now! Oh, he did great. Alright, so yeah, he gets

up to here. He's also going to pull himself out of the water. Look at that. He's going to fire his longbow at the Aboleth Jr. Oh, that's a hit. I think of that Nirvana cover, and then I was thinking of the song that starts after it. He pops an arrow into Aboleth Jr. Up next, we got Queep.

Queep, let's see. So, here's how Enslave works. I didn't get too much into it last episode, because honestly, it's fun to keep secrets from you guys. But let's tell... I figure, fuck it. Let's tell the listeners and you all what exactly is happening to Queep. I love what you're thinking. The Aboleth targets one creature it can see within 30 feet of it.

The target must succeed on a DC 14 wisdom saving throw or be magically charmed by the Aboleth until the Aboleth dies or until it is on a different plane of existence from the target. The charm target is under the Aboleth's control and can't take reactions. And the Aboleth and the target can communicate telepathically with each other.

Whenever you take damage, you can, you can repeat the saving throw, but only when you take damage. Okay. And the effect will end if you make that DC 14 wisdom saving throw. However, in the meantime, you are enslaved.

Sweet. So. What do you want me to do? Well. And he can only roll to break it if he takes damage. Correct. This is a rough charm spell.

It's, I mean, it's not even really like. It's not charm. It's enslavement. It's a special ability. It's not very charming. No. That these cosmic fish monsters get to do. So Queep is gonna swim to the surface and fly about right here over

the altar. But I don't want to do that. And bring his axe down on Darkthor. Please. Ah, fuck you. Roll to chop Darkthor in the head. I can't help it. Fuck you. Roll to chop Darkthor in the head. I can't help it.

That looks pretty good. 17. Does that hit, Brian? No. Yeah. Alright, roll damage for Darkthor, please. Oh, by the way, a couple of listeners have pointed this out over time and I always forget.

Is that me? There's floor dice. You can speed this kind of thing up if you roll your damage and your attack at the same time, and then you can just ignore the damage if it's a miss. Interesting. Yes. It will probably save us a solid five minutes an episode

if there's a battle, if we would not pause for damage immediately after the attack roll. I don't know who that was. Did I knock that? Who knocked this? That's an awesome little tip. Isn't it? Yeah.

And I remember because I actually did a game for charity over the weekend, and they all did it. It was like a requirement. They're like, make sure you roll your damage. At the same time, I was like, oh. They're like, yeah, it's live play. Of course, for live play, you do this. I was like, whoa, whoa. I see.

Yes, of course. All're like, yeah, it's live play. Of course for live play you do this. I was like, oh, I see. Yes, of course. So, highly recommend it. Because, for instance, Ken has been looking up his damage for an hour. So if you know what you might be doing in advance, get used to what the damage dice is and drop it. Got it. Nine points of slashing damage to Darkthir.

As you see Queep, your friend, and his glowing red eyes fly down on you out of the air. I apologize. I'm not in control of my actions. You don't say that. I'm thinking that inside. I can't even do that. You guys were eating bird tonight.

Oh, wow. It would please me if this ended up doing something like that. All right. That would please you if this ended up doing something like that. All right. That would please you if we ate Ken? Yeah. That's something you've been looking forward to? Yeah, of course.

He's finger blasting good. I mean, licking. I mean, I don't know what I mean. It does sound like a spell. All right. You guys. Finger blast? At fifth level.

That's basically what a magic missile is. This narwhal guy. It's more like shocking grass. Sticks his head out of the water, and he is going to stab at Darth's legs. What the fuck? Yep. I'm going to kick at his stupid face.

Oh, but he's so cute. Did you hear about the guy, one of the guys on the bridge in London fought somebody out with a narwhal tusk? Yes. What?

Isn't that crazy? Well, the guy that went crazy? Yeah, yeah, you know, but who had, he had a, he was like, must have been in his car or something.

No, he grabbed it, he grabbed it at the museum. It was like a restaurant. There was something on the wall. Apparently there's Norwalk tusks all over the place. 2016. Wow. Seriously.

It's a common thing. It's like antlers. Yeah, it is. Another guy attacked him with Starry Night. Wow. The guy just hit a 26 with this asshole Jesus

you take 19 points of psychic damage wow it just kind of grazes you but you feel like nerve ending lightning shoot up your leg and in your brain it's called stepping on a lego stepping on a lego thank you future Sam Kiefer for dialing the volume down on blaine's microphone

during that sequence future sam keifer he's much taller up next we have dr uid oh hey hi he's the one they call dr uid uh hey i'm gonna make you feel brian what he almost said all right but then he didn't do the s and uh what you doing doctor uh so there's is is there any movement like another aboleth coming up underwater perception check i can see uh 16 plus that's 20 oh you do see something in the water beyond the Mama Avaleth. Come on! God damn it. And it's... You don't know. It doesn't... Even with a 20, not quite

enough. If you'd maybe rolled something over a 20, I would have let you know more specifically the size or something. But it's just sort of a silhouette deeper in the water. Hard to spot. But you've got a decent vantage point. And with a 20, I'll give you that you see there's some other silhouette that's not like part

of the floor underneath. Is it the giant shrimp from the last campaign that had the electric jacket? I guess. What? The giant shrimp with the cloak of Zinzerina. Remember there's that thing we were down

that under. that's right. It was more like a whale. It was based off a Tully monster. And then there were shrimp men moving in and out of its gills like its body was an ecosystem. I'm so excited right now. I'm flattered when people remember homebrew nonsense.

Oh, it's just the worst. So creepy. Can I throw a moonbeam on this thing in the water? You sure can. It's a the worst. It's so creepy. Can I throw a moonbeam on this thing in the water? You sure can. It's a marvelous knife. I'm going to... Silvery beam of pale light shines down in a five-foot radius right onto the top of the piano. Baker boys, turn.

Cue music. No, I'm sorry. This is a script for the fabulous Baker boys. Oh, here's my move. Silvery beam pale light shines down a five foot radius, 40 foot high cylinders shining on a point within range till the spell ends. Baker Boys fill the cylinder. What's the saving throw on that?

Constitution? I thought Carol Burnett was going to try to sweep it up. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Let's make a Constitution throw. Takes 2D radiant damage on a failed save. You know who needs to make a constitution throw. It's Congress. I rolled a 22 on its saving throw.

So that's boo, right? That's half damage. Half damage. And that's on the mom. Choice of super salad. Yes. So that'll be 2D10. That'll be 1D10.

How about 5? All right. And I'm going to keep this thing on it, right? Yes. I'll keep it on it. Cool. Anyway, that's my turn, you guys. Good turn.

Thanks for coming. Hey, by the way, it's Cheryl's last night here. She's been here for 14 years. Give it up for Cheryl, everybody. Why did you fire her? Oh, no, she didn't get fired. She had a horrible health effect. Oh, no.

Yeah, it's really great. Give it up for them. Yeah, anyway. She's been a waitress in here for a long time. Cheryl, everybody. All right, so you see. Is that her name, Cheryl? I never was really...

Yeah, it's weird. I never met her. It's awkward. You're talking about somebody that works here? Yeah. In Brian's house. Cheryl, you know, she's at the table. Yeah, she brings our drinks.

Wait, you live here? I thought this was the Yankee Doodles. All right. I'm going to have... the yankee doodles all right uh i'm gonna have uh you you all of a sudden get hit with a psychic drain creep oh no a psychic drain creep you feel uh the creature controlling you uh pull it's pull your mind through some sort of ether towards yours and it almost feels like it's just leaving through the back of your skull for a second. That's weird. You take seven points of psychic damage.

Wasn't he already being controlled? Yeah. Yeah, controlled and damaged. Oh, damage. Is he still being controlled? Yeah, when he takes damage. But I take damage, so I can roll the thing. Psychic drain, one creature charmed by the aboleth

takes 3d6 psychic damage, and the aboleth regains hit points equal to the damage the creature takes. But if he takes damage, does he... It's dark crystal healing. It's healing itself by pulling psychic energy out of Quake. You do know what I'm saying? I get to roll to

fight it. Yes, correct. I'm sorry. My brain was just like in fucking auto on the rails. No storytelling side quest here for me. Go, please, re-roll your chat. Oh, I can roll now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every time you take damage. 14. You're trying to beat a 14. Got it. How about this one? Thank you, Chris. Nope. All right.

Damn it. Up next, we got Mama Aboleth. Thank you, Chris. Here we go again. My, my. How can I resist you? It's going to try to break free of the tusk that's stuck in it. Succeeds.

So it's a musical now. Mama Aboleth shakes this thing free and swims up to here. Oh, my goodness. Right up to the edge. Yeah. That's horrific. You see a tentacle reach out of the water and swipe at the guard no no that doesn't happen at all 17 to hit that's a hit i'm gonna uh activate my double dutch

spell i'm gonna kind of jump rope over the tentacle totally uh you see the guard take a bunch of damage and he gets knocked back to here. Up next. It's okay though. He's got like months to retirement. I'm going to shoot my long bow at the big mama. Of the two aboleths, which one looks like they're in worse shape? Do a, you can either choose perception or insight. I will pick perception if i can okay

uh 20 it actually looks like uh the baby aboleth took a lot of damage at some point and so comparatively it looks like it's in worse shape. And can I tell which Aboleth is controlling my friend Queep? With a 20? Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'll give that to you. It definitely feels like the baby Aboleth is focused on Queep. Great.

I will shoot my longbow at baby Aboleth. All right. So 18. It's a hit. All right. And so it's five plus four. That's nine piercing damage. And I will do it again.

14 plus nine, 23 to hit. And three plus four, seven piercing damage. And movement wise, I'm pretty comfortable where I am. Cool. Halcine, you're up. Okay, so if I have a spell that suppresses effects on creatures that are charmed or frightened,

would that work on enslaved creatures? Yes. Okay. Oh, and by the way, I didn't give you any visual. The arrow was plunked in. It looked really badass. Good placement? Yeah, great placement. Yes, sir. oh and by the way the arrows i didn't give you any react like visual that was those were the arrows plunked into it looked really badass good placement yeah great yes sir um so i'm gonna cast calm emotions um at queep and was the guard also enslaved or just queep just queep okay so i'm

gonna cast calm emotions at queep um but every humanoid in a 20 foot radius fear um must make a charisma saving throw a creature can choose to fail the saving throw, but I don't know if he can if he's enslaved, but that's what it says. If a creature fails its saving throw, I can choose one of two effects, and the one I'm going to choose is that it suppresses any effect causing a target

to be charmed or frightened. When the spell ends, any suppressed effect resumes, provided the duration is not expired in the meantime. All right, make that charisma saving throw. Wait, he can choose to... It says a creature can choose to fail the saving throw if it glitches, but I don't know if you can control him

to... Yeah, this is so tricky. Hey, Blaine, can you cover me while I just think for a second? W- E-D-N-E S-D-A-Y Wednesday. w e d n e s d a y wetness day it's pronounced wednesday wetness day from the makers of months now that was a bay city roller song that also or no that was a b-side oh of uh of thursday which was a B-side of Thursday, which was a secondary hit after most of their members left.

Right, after they did Saturday. Yeah, I don't think it counts. I think I'm ruling right now, based on the way I feel the spell would work, that you should have to make a charisma saving throw and you want to make it. Okay. So roll that charisma saving throw. saving throw and you want to make it.

So roll that charisma saving throw. It's a more fun gaming moment to me right now. Your charisma bonus. Zero. So 12. And what was the DC you would have to make? It's your saving throw. My spell save DC to make? It's your save and throw. My spell save DC is 14.

Ooh. So that's good. He fails. And, uh, Dan, that's good. Yeah.

Well, I, I realized as I was wrong. Uh, so I'm back in control of my, you are back in control. Temporary. Just so you know,

it's temporary. I'm sorry. How long does it last? Um, until, um, oops. Uh, when the spell ends, let see duration is up to one minute so okay so that's my concentration so I can't I

assume I can't be doing like 10 to lightning anymore no the lightning will now fade out so this is my gift to you thank you play make it count are you gonna do anything else? Are you going to run around? Are you going to do the bonus actions? Yeah, I'm just going to run around. You should totally run around. I don't know that I can do anything else.

Okay. Dark Thur, you are up. You see Queep shake his head. Back to his senses. Okay, cool. I'm going to... And he makes a cute bird noise. ...attack this narwhal.

Yeah. Do it. Roll to attack. I'm going to... Kill him. This narwhal? The wee one by his leg. Just stabbed him.

Is that a silver horn it has? Yeah. Looks like a silver horn it has? Yeah. Looks like a needle. Silver horn. Whoa. Jesus. It was coming right at me. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It was coming right at me. Did it just go on the floor? Fucking fuck. That dice box is faulty. Well, he's got a tower not made for it, so it's turned into a catapult rather than a dice. It's a ramp.

Yeah. Doing some sick skate moves. All right. Dice is gleaming the cube on that thing. Jesus. 21. It's a hit. All right.

Oh, I'm supposed to be doing that. Sorry. What are you supposed to be doing? Rolling your damage at the same time? Look, it's a very new concept. Yeah, totally. Oh, nice. Yeah.

Ten on that guy. All right. Nice. Then I get two, right? Yep. If you're doing one-handed guy. Alright. I get 2, right? Yep. If you're doing one-handed attack. That's probably also a hit. That's a 19. Yep, that's a hit.

Again, I didn't roll the 8. You need a 14 to hit the narwhal. Okay, good. Another 6. Nice. You chop him a couple of times cool probably feeling pretty good about it you know sure your self-esteem is doing pretty good right now all right doctor do you feel like you look good in your clothes are you happy with your body the way it looks?

What the fuck? Now you're just dropping stuff for fun. This is pretty dramatic to me. I also feel like we've done that bit before too, Brian. What bit? Where I said something about your self-esteem and then he said, how do you look in your clothes? I feel like we've done that.

I've got major deja vu on that. I don't know. I feel fine. Thanks. Like your belt where it hits you. You like it. It hits you in the right spot. I can't. He looks like a confused puppy.

Brian just went through like 10 years of dysmorphia therapy at once. It's very disturbing to watch. Senator, that was a Michael Myers head tilt. I mean, Darkther's okay, but I'm a fat piece of shit. What are you talking to me? I'm asking Darkther. He's doing it in TikTok's voice, so it's a verbal cue that you shouldn't take it personally.

His face looked confused, like horrified, but also shocked, but kind of like intrigued. Oh, you know, he was not walking away from that. He was, yeah. All right, so the guard is taking a chop at Mama Aboleth, which he can reach, but he misses. And he's gonna try to take another one. Ooh, and he crits. Yeah!

That's gonna be... Nothing good one. Yeah, just with a sword. That's then gonna take us to Queep queep you're back in control your facility i'm gonna attack that thing that was controlling me all right with a turn around yeah can i chop him yep you can fly kind of over his head all right looks like it looks like he has heelys right and they're both at the same time i feel bad that we killed this one after he... And you painted him after we killed him, right?

Yeah, but oh, there might be more. I rolled a 15. On the... Yep, 17 you needed to hit him. That's not enough. Piss. Also, you're no longer raging or frenzying or anything like that. Oh, yeah. I'll have to turn that back on.

Shall I? I will. Can you? Yes. Yes. Does that mean I get another attack or next time? No. That uses your turn. That'll then take us to the narwhal guy who is

going to try to stab Darkthor in the leg again. To the narwhal. Oh, man. That is a 15 hit. I have 15 armor class. So you take another 12 points of psychic damage. That happened when I met Robert Wall.

Dr. Uy, you're up. I'm going to keep my moonbeam on the thing underwater that I see. Is it still moving around? He fails his saving throw. Oh, you were hitting the thing. I thought you were hitting Mamba Aboleth last time. You were hitting a silhouette.

Yeah, it was whatever I was able to hit. I was going for whatever was... You would think the silhouette would have been too deep in the water to just hit with the moonbeam successfully. Let's keep what I thought you said. Keep it on her. She failed the constitution saving throw

that I rolled. I believe it's radiant damage. Is Papa coming up? Is that what we think? Probably. Seven, so 16. All right. Cool. What's happening?

The white energy from the moonbeam rips apart the fish flesh on top of the Aboleth's head. Good. And TikTok is up. I shoot again at the baby Aboleth. Alright. 27 to hit. Oh boy, that's a hit. 9 points of piercing damage. Okay. I will do the same thing again.

The mom's going to be sad when you guys kill that baby. Oh boy, we're in trouble then. 19 to hit. That's a hit. And another 9 points of piercing damage. How would you like this arrow to destroy a baby abalones? I would like it to... I want the first one to hit it hard in the tail and move it one way,

and then the second one to hit it hard in the head so it kind of starts spinning slowly around in a circle. Okay. And then it goes down underwater like down a drain. So it just submerges and, Queep, you see just this spiral of blood. It's very bright green, almost glowing as it goes down and down and disappears

from you. Kakala, fuck you. That's a lot of syllables actually in what you just said. Alright, you gonna stay perched up there for now? I am. I'm gonna have a bonus action. I'm gonna take my second wind, which I can regain a D10 plus six

points. And I get 11 back. Awesome. And that is my turn. Alcine, you're up. I'm going to cast shape water. I'm going to choose an area of water that

I can see within range. Basically the five foot area in front of these guys. Can you give me a little more specific in front of... In between. What I'm going to do, you'll understand which is just that I'm going to push that water five feet

in this direction to just push them back from melee range directly of the people on the shore all right i think that means they need to do a deck save right um i mean there's no this you'll have to decide because this is just i mean not uh it's a cantrip and it's just moving the water we used it to like move me through the water at some point yeah let's um how far is it it's short it's just um i could just instantaneously move or change the flow of water as i direct up to five feet it doesn't have enough force to cause damage so but it does

okay so they'll do a deck save and and it'll uh what it'll be against your spell save dc they're gonna try to swim basically like against the current you're creating and stay in place uh that'll be a 16 from the abolish oh 14 okay so he's gonna stay there and then the narwhals got a 19 so guys splashes against him what a waste of my time bullshit that was really rude cool he's got like a cool like jets from a hot tub massage welcome to great wolf lodge ridiculous well that's it so again you want to change your point of view you want to stay perched like up there because this spirals up remember you're kind of like yeah i mean i can do everything i can do i can do from here so yes i'm gonna stay here for now oh well sassafras

okay that'll bring us to dark there i felt like you were defiant in the way like yes i'll just stay here so i was labeling it a sassafras let you talk yourself into that don't know what you're talking about i never i never say embarrassing things that sound clumsy and awkward later when i listen to them for continuity that's why I always tape it when I have sex. What what do you tape my sex? So I what do you tape it to and then I just this is the least amount of twist I've ever heard in a boy and I and I just that I review it later in the car and just you know just you know get rid of all the lines that didn't work i keep the stuff that worked so i'm i just apply my comedy to my to my sex life okay and it really uh hey darth or what

are you gonna do go awol oh it it surely made my sets tighter. That's not all of a tighter way. Dan! Dan, that was too far. Dan, how could you? I'm going to stab the narwhal. You said a dirty sounding thing. See, that's something I said on one of my sex tapes.

I'm going to restart the game. I'm going to kick the game back in the dick. Do it. What game? This one. You're hitting the nar the game back in the dick. Let's do it. What game? This one. You're hitting the narwhal, right? Then, uh... Fuck it. Now, you mean that without irony. Do you want

to fuck it? You're going to fuck the game. Yeah, why do you got to work blue? I was going to make a joke about Pitbull getting bludgeoned and I just couldn't get it in there. That's a hit. Great. And so, yep, you just

smash into this guy. I rolled both that time. Thanks, Brian. My name is Jerry the Listener. I say thank you. That's a nope. What would your damage have been? Five. Thank you.

It's me, Jerry. Fuck you, Jerry. Oh, guys. I spell with a J. I'm not Jerry Duggan. I know. Hey. My name's Jerry.

Come, Squatch. What is wrong? That's like a typical Patreon name, right? Kill yourself. Whoa. Okay. What is happening? Wait, we need to pay attention to you guys. You can't be a patron, let me ask you guys.

You can't be a patron, though. I survived my job. I've been watching a lot of Rick and Morty. I tried to kill myself, and it didn't work. He does a high-pitched voice, so then I say mean shit. That's what Rick says to Morty. Oh, geez. Fuck you, Morty.

Fucking piece of shit. That's a great voiceover audition for Rick and Morty. You got to burp, Morty. I'm going to fucking kill you. The guard's a great voiceover audition. You got to burp more. I'm going to fucking kill you. The guard's going to detect the narwhal. Fuck you, Jerry. All right. So he smashes into the narwhal a couple of times and hits.

That'll bring us to. How's that narwhal looking? Is that narwhal looking? Is that narwhal looking all chopped up? I'll ask that again on your turn. Queep. Yes, I'm raging and attacking. Who are you attacking? You gotta tell me who. That one. With what?

The big one with the axe. Okay, fly over to him. I will. Flap, flap, flap, flap. Does that sound queep makes? I gotta go flap flap flap. Is that sound? Queet makes wow and got real tired from all the fuck jokes. So anyway, I rolled a three roll again. Anyway,

you're raging. Thank you anyway. It's not you. It's a comedy thing. More than 11 that time. Oh, that's not good either. No, a comedy thing more than 11 that time oh that's not good either no it really sucks you really suck all right so anyway uh the narwhal is going to uh crit against oh dear uh it's gonna be dark Oh, boy. You're going to take... Oh, you're going to take it. 26 points.

Gosh. As it just pierces into your leg. That's close. He's also going to... This is a crit. Wait, the normal? Mm-hmm. Didn't he...

Oh, no, he didn't. He resisted. If you remember... No, my whole great hubris i was i know it was my plan it was a cool plan so i i didn't even imagine that this day could come where he would still be attacking it's really caught all of us he only rolled a 15 on his uh crit table so no additional damage or problems are going to occur good are you awake hold on let's kill this piece yeah wait let's

see how many hit points Brian's got left no fuck I'm down I'm down like a negative eight okay so your next turn to make a death saving throw. You're unconscious is what it means. All right. Then the narwhal... You guys... At least you can't fuck me up anymore. I'll see the narwhal just thrust its tusk into his lower leg, and he passes out and hits the ground.

No thank you. The narwhal kind of just dislodges its tusk and sprays blood through the air as it flicks its head to the side. Oh, sour boy. No. Dr. Uyd, you're up. Yeah, youicks its head to the side. Oh, sour boy, no. Dr. Uyd, you're up. Yeah, you just saw Darkthor get fucking mauled to death, basically.

He's not moving. Can I do two things? Can I keep this moonbeam going? And can I also start to move down towards Darkthor? Yes, yes. So you can move 30 feet, which is, those are five each, that's six squares. Up to six, yeah.

That's Darkthor right there? Darkthor's there. That's the guard. Okay. Well, I'll get over here as close as I can. I'm going to get ready to, so I'll keep the moonbeam on this guy, and then I'll, in my next turn I guess I'm going to put a cure wounds

on dark fairy. Well, I think I'm going to check cure wounds. As long as it's not a concentration spell you can still cast it and you don't have to drop moonbeam. You can do both at the same time, I think. I'm double checking cure wounds. Is cure wounds concentration?

It doesn't look like it. I don't think so. So he's going to... He failed his deck save. So first roll damage on the moonbeam and then roll healing for Darkthor. So good news all around for you.

So 18 on the damage for the thing. So we can cast two spells in one. as long as they're not both concentration if you break your concentration like he's he's got moonbeam running so it just it's gonna keep running one of the fun things about druids is they've got a couple of spells like that like wild shape where you can just turn into a thing and then you can slash and do crazy stuff. I love that. And 12 points for Doctor. Hey! So you're awake. You're still down

on the ground, but you've got 12 hit points, Brian. Okay. Does he spring back to his feet? No. Not yet. But Doctor U had hooked you up. Aboleth Jr. is dead, so his turn is out. Good. Can everybody do a perception check?

No. Wait, I'm at 12 or I'm at... You're at 12, but you don't go in a negative hit point. The only time negative matters is if you get hit with a catastrophic amount that's bigger than your max hit point. Natural 20 plus 5. 25. Wow. I got a natural 16. Sir, do you want to hold on to this?

This is for your storm. It's gone now, though. Yeah, but for a future. 9. Awesome. 16. I think 9's the best you can get. In this game. Am I rolling? No. Perception out right no you're

you're back yeah wakey wakey eggs and bakey uh you see tic tac up there uh this little guy just starts hovering near the top of the stairs around the corner so someone can put him like way up there i want to look here because he looks cool a A flump. Is he our friend? Yeah, whatever flumps are around. That always means good things are coming. I would say, based on the moral grayness of your weird-ass dungeon master, that a flump could be considered ambiguous. I have 22 in perception. Cool.

Well, it doesn't matter because TikTok already saw all that you can see. All right. But it's okay. Thank you for participating. Excuse me. Up next, Brian's gross. And then, then after that uh the aboliff takes his turn so that the aboliff takes it uh you see favorite johnny cash the guard starts shaking. Oh, God. Just turn his head a little bit, and then...

It's going to be... Jump to the left. I'm going to need an intelligence saving throw from Dr. Uwud. How about 16 plus 19? So you just feel like some sort of imagery, almost like it's being projected into your brain, and flies through it really fast, and you can't remember what it was. Some sort of psychic image projected into your brain, flies through it really fast, and you can't remember what it was. Is it Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?

Some sort of psychic image was attacking your brain for a moment through the aboleth. Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. You managed to resist season three of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. That's hard to do. I know. It's hard to resist. So Dr. Who chooses not to get an Amazon Prime account. Do people not like that show?

I thought people liked that show. Were you making fun of that show? No. Oh, okay. It's hard to get an Amazon Prime account. Do people not like that show? I thought people liked that show. Were you making fun of that show? No. Oh, okay. It's hard to resist, is what I say. I think it's just the idea that that would be the imagery that the person was seeing in there. Gotcha.

Yeah, it's almost like I'm getting a screener. Okay. I wasn't too into it. It's like, you know, we all know who wants to be in season four of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, you guys. I was going to say, Brian, do you have another cameo doing this?

No, I just have, I only watched the first season but i thought they nailed the stand-up stuff you play a really good don rick olsprain um yeah you fucking hockey puck he didn't curse yeah i i say i alert everyone to say hey the flumps coming last time we saw one of those the the Archduke of Vandervale was nearby. So keep that in mind. I will shoot the Aboleth with an arrow. Okay.

Is Eddie Murphy playing all the flumps? Mm-hmm. Hercules. Hercules. That's a 25 to hit. That is a hit. And four hours in magic makeup every morning. 10 points of piercing damage.

And same thing again. Oh, 23 to hit. That's definitely a hit. And that's eight points of piercing damage. All right. So arrows flying into the aboleth. And. Into the aboleth.

I will just keep my eye on our flumpy friend just to see if anything else happens. Okay. That's it. Cool. Halcine, before you're able to take your turn, you guys see another shape emerge from under the water. Come on, Dan. Crap. Come on, Dan. Give me a break.

Darkfair. Maybe it's Aquaman. Coming up up Your brother This guy floats 20,000 looks under the sea I'm going to need you to make a dexterity savings It's like those penis fish That were all over that ocean

Oh my god that was way funnier Than something so stupid should have been It's just a squid I think it's a shellfish isn't it No not the penis fish It's just a squid? I think it's a shellfish, isn't it? No, not the penis fish. It's this thing. I got you with the worst joke.

Yeah, it's a giant squid. It's definitely a giant squid. 13. Okay, well, bad news. You are now restrained as a tentacle grabs your leg. And you take six points of bludgeoning damage as it just crushes your leg.

Fuck face. Cuckoo foot. Then we got Halcine. A bird get attacked by a squid? I've seen everything. I mean, I guess I'm gonna cast lightning again with that slot because I don't think I've used the other one. Yeah, I guess I'm going to call lightning again.

Okay, cool. Do you want to remind us how that goes? Let it ring. Sure. A storm cloud appears in the shape of a cylinder that is 10 feet tall with a 60-foot radius centered on a point I can see 100 feet directly above me. And when I cast the spell, I choose a point I can see 100 feet directly above me. And when I cast this bell, I choose a point I can see within range and each creature within five feet of that point must make a deck saving

throw. Okay. And then there's the damage stuff. So I'm gonna pick this new guy as well actually, within five feet of that point. So there's two guys here, right? And then there's this new guy. So those guys are within five feet of each other. But this guy isn't. You can hit it, but you're going to hit Queep too if you aim for the tentacle.

You can hit it in the tentacle that's grabbing him. Well, no. If I hit him, it's going to conduct into me. It has him grapple. Okay okay so then i'll do these guys and they they should both get hit it because they're within five feet of each other okay sure nice although if it hits the water it might electrify you anyway i'll see what happens i don't think i don't know if he's yeah i i'll say it's he's two steps removed. It won't do well. First one is an 11.

Second's a crit. So the Narwhal critted, but the Abluth rolled an 11, oddly enough. So the Narwhal made the dex save, and the Abluth did not. Crit a save. I mean, he rolled a 20.

I'm just mad at him. Sorry. I took it out on you. I control him. I understand the transfer. I took it out on you. I control him. I understand the transference. The other guy did not? Okay, it doesn't matter because he's going to take half as much damage because he successfully did it. The other guy is going to take full damage.

Tell us how much. I will. Thank you. I could have rolled, but I didn't, so somebody has to talk. Hey, Blaine. Blaine likes talking. Hey, Blaine. You know what else I love?

What? Lasagna. Lasagna. That's likes talking. Hey, Blaine. You know what else I love? What? Lasagna. No. That's why I'm all about Mondays. Mondays. We have better Sundays. Coming up this fall right before Tuesday. Monday.

Monday. I thought he hated Mondays but loved lasagna. Don't get me bogged down in semantics. I don't Google this shit. He's taking 10 points of lightning damage and 6 of force damage. Who, Garfield? No, the rest of us were thinking about the game.

So 16 for one and 8 for the other guy. Great. Nice. Cool. Is that lightning or is that a whirlpool? Well, I guess that's supposed to be my storm cloud up here. Great. Nice. Cool. Is that lightning or is that a rope? Well, I guess that's supposed to be my storm cloud

up here. Okay, good. And Darkthrow, you're up. You are laying down, but you're awake at 12 hit points. I'm going to

get away from that narwhal. Just like maybe go up the coast. Yeah. All right, so you can move 15 feet. You're going to use half your movement to stand. Yeah. And then you can get over here, but he's going to take a swing at you.

Okay. As you go over here. But then I'm going to shoot the longbow at him. Well, first, he gets his. He occupied grappling me. He does miss as he tries to stab you with his tusk. Good. Oh, that guy.

That was a bocce boo. Roll your hundro. Hundro. You're real cool, aren't you? I was thinking more like a thundercat or something. Hundro. Hundro. You're real cool. I was thinking more like a Thundercat or something. Thundro. Thundercat who's 100 years old.

Fuck. It was 28. That just means you missed. All right. It actually only would be like 17 Do I get another? Yes Wait, no, it's your longbow, so no

It's just with swords you get multiple attacks Up next we have The guard Who is also going to Hack at the narwhal He misses Come on, Bacon, put your back into it Bacon does hit the second time The guard, who is also going to hack at the narwhal. He misses. I hate that narwhal. Come on, Bacon.

Put your back into it. Bacon does hit the second time. He gets a nice little slash with his sword. And then it's Dr. Uid. Oh, no, I'm sorry. It's Queep. It's Queep. I will swing at the tentacle grappling me.

Great. That is a miss. Okay. I will go again which rule a six oh yeah that's a miss for sure that's terrible yeah that's even worse you don't have a better bonus to your hit three plus three to hit with your axe you gotta get you a higher bonus somehow, man. Alright, let's talk to somebody. Have some meetings. Oh, Jesus. No.

Okay. Ken, get up and left the table. Queep misses a couple of times, and Ken throws his dice around. I mean, I've seen him cry, but never this hard. And that will take us to the narwhal.

He's going to take a stab at you, Dr. Uwud. No! And that is going to be a 19 hit. Jeez! I jump out of the way and don't take any damage oh my gosh that's awesome I wish I could have done that

are you carrying an ice cream cone too? Dr. Ewig you feel much as Dagthor did a few times there this icy vein of pain shoot up into your brain as you take 16 points of psychic damage ouch I hate this fucking narwhal.

Will you beat the squid? And now it is your turn. The squid is Can I move the moonbeam over to where the squid is? Absolutely. I'm going to move the moonbeam over to where the squid is. And I'm just going to break for lunch.

I'm going to send a PA to Bokido Moss, if that's cool. Where is he? Do you know where he is? The PA. Ooh, 19. Ooh, that's a hit. All right, well, that was just the moonbeam. Damage-wise?

The damage. Did he roll a constitution saving throw? Uh no Fifteen Okay yeah So it's nineteen damage Trying to open some hard candy And then

Are those root beer barrels? Another one? Well, yeah. Are you going to do anything with your action? No, I was just going to move it over to the squid and try to fuck him up. You did. Okay.

Great. And then... It's the Aboleth's turn. Boo. Fuck you, Aboleth. I'm going to need It's cool looking, though. It is.

A strength-saving throw from Dargthyr, the guard, and Dr. Uwud. 19. 16 plus 3. Nice. Fuck. You have a plus 3 to strength?

That's a strong druid. 7. You're stronger than the barbarian. All right, so... Don't tell anyone. The guard and Dr. Urid brace themselves, but a wave of water rushes up again. It's 6 feet tall, so don't tell anyone the guard and Dr. Uid brace themselves but Dr. a wave of water rushes up again it's six feet tall and you get sucked

back in the water right in front of the aboleth the aboleth oh no is going to start smashing you with its tentacles I'm fucked 20 to hit

that's a hit five points of damage you're still alive 18 to hit yeah I fucking really hate you 7 points of damage I'm dead down 5 how we doing on time Sam we have 4 minutes

seems like an excellent time since 4 minutes for us to actually pause the action. Four minutes shy of an hour. And let's just... Like the doomsday clock. Thanks for killing my guy on Christmas, fuckface. Yeah, well, Merry Christmas to me. You're just unconscious, don't worry. Yeah, you're unconscious in the water.

Six feet underwater. That's not a great place to be unconscious. Dan, I'm just going to me. You're just unconscious, don't worry. Yeah, you're unconscious in the water. Six feet underwater. That's not a great place to be unconscious. Dan, I'm trying to help. Hey, Sam. Yes? What do you think happened in episode 48 of Nerd Poker season three? Well, in episode 48, we learned that although I've spent thousands of dollars on microphones and new mixing boards, I refuse to replace the $6 cable that buzzes on Dan's laptop.

I don't like that Que Queep apologize to dark there. You don't apologize my sweet baby boy, the fabulous baker brothers earned an Oscar nomination for Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh my God, that's right. I have a bigger boys. What did I say brothers? Who cares? Speaking of gameplay, we don't need a goddamn ableth comingeth coming on the land tick tock saved us from a baby if you ever hear blaine give up on a joke that joke was trash tick tock is very good with arrows

it's nice when people you admire are talented we got a big classic squid situation dark there has been sucked into the water i feel he will not be happy about this and he may be dead yay thank you sam uh yay for your recap not for me murdering brian uh i am not really proud of myself it should be clear before we plug shows i just want to let our listeners know we are taking a week off the

week of christmas so when we usually drop at midnight on monday the 23rd going into tuesday the 24th we're actually going to take that week off. But you will hear a new episode the week of New Year's Eve. Hey, Brian, do you have any shows coming up? BrianBerstein.com. Yeah, 2020. Awesome. If you're in the L.A. area, my monthly show, The Filling at Geeky Tees and Games,

is going to be pretty badass. It's our one-year anniversary show. So we have Dana Gould, Josh Gondelman, Morgan Murphy, James Fritz, Grace Jung, Madison Shepard, Angela Yance. It's a really great lineup. I would love you to come. Me and my friend Taylor Lux love hosting it.

Cool. Oh, and hey, come check me out. Stacy Keech and I are doing Paper Chase Live at the Pantages. It's all matinee shows on weekdays. Come check it out. Stacy Keech and I are doing Paper Chase Live at the Pantages. It's all matinee shows on weekdays. Come check it out. And then we're going to be signing tits in the frolic room, if you know what I'm talking about.

So bring your tits and bring a Sharpie. Stacy Keech insists. Yeah, he's freaky about it. You don't have your own Sharpie? No. They go bad real fast in the Frolic Room. Yeah, it's like, I don't want to get into it. I left one in my laundry once, and it just ruined everything.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. listening