Nerd Poker - Episode 49 - Fell Fish Finale

Episode Date: December 31, 2019

The Ice Five take their final swings at the aboleth beneath Dame Island, hoping to win the favor of gods and humans alike. More than once it has nearly ended in one of our beloved characters being wiped out by the fell creature, will they all escape intact? Thank you for a delightful 2019, the campaign will continue next week!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 49 of Season 3. My friends are here. Hello, Chris. Hello, Brian. Hello, Brian. Sarah. Brian. Ken.

Yep. Dan. Yep. Blaine. Brian. So this is going to air before 2020, right? It's the last episode. It's the last episode of 2019.

Yeah. Hope you had a lovely Christmas. And at the end of the table, Sam. There, he's still here. Oh, Seth. You know, I would like to thank some of the Patreon supporters that made our 2019 so delightful. Thank you, Ezekiel T. Barnacle III.

Thank you, Ezekiel T. Barnacle III. Way up in the middle of the air. Thank you, TikTok's Mechanical Ballsack. Thank you. Thank you, Olliezekiel T. Barnacle. Way up in the middle of the air. Thank you, TikTok's Mechanical Ballsack. Thank you. Thank you, Ollie of the Field of Hats. Thank you, Sharts in the Dark. Thank you. And you're to blame! Thank you,

Lord Brownington. Thank you, Rianu Keeves. Thank you, Sean Meredith. Thanks, Sean. Thank you, Jake Tawny. Thank you, Pat Dukes. Thank you, The Kingu Keeves. Thank you, Sean Meredith. Thanks, Sean. Thank you, Jake Taney. Thank you, Pat Dukes. Thank you, the King of All the Snakes. Oh, wow. Oh, thank you, Clever Nerd Poker Reference.

Thank you, Jody Freeze. Thanks, Jody. Thanks, Justin Grateful Dad. Thanks, Big Tick Energy. Thanks, Hulk Hoagie 420. Made me smile. Thank you, David Preston. Thank you, Tim Bates.

Thank you. Thank you, Riker Hardy. Thank you. Thank you, Craig Big Eagle. Thanks. And thank you, Joshua Fryer. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, everybody.

You're all a goddamn delight. Uh-oh, here it is. How much does that cord cost? Let me see what I have in my Venmo balance. Find one under the tree. Oh, it's already happened. I guess you didn't. Another year.

And another episode where we learn what happened last time on Nerd Poker. So the Ice Five have been battling for quite some time this Apple. It's possibly the longest battle of this campaign, at least since they beat Havocula's ass in the woods. Which sounded way weirder when it came out than I thought it would. It sounded way weirder when it came out than I thought it would. Anyway, you guys are down at this subterranean lake. Left amongst the villains that you have slaughtered thus far.

Living are the Mama Abolus, a Path of the Vaunted Tusk Narwhal folk thing, and a giant squid that recently emerged and grabbed Queek by the ankle. Gripping his ankle like a hippie's anklet. I don't fucking know what arm goes. I hate them all. And Brian doesn't like any of them. So, unfortunately, Dark Thru, you are floating in the water after getting smacked around by the Aboleth

and you have just gone unconscious floating about six feet under the water in front of this thing's face. Tick tock. Yes. It is your turn. You just saw a dark third get sucked into the water and some tentacles like on the surface kind of like coming in and out where he was.

Does he have that amulet of water breathing? Is there any way to get that to him? I believe he had potions of water breathing. Maybe. Did you have an amulet? I don't think you had an amulet. I have the amulet. Yeah. But other people had the potions. That's why I didn't. Weions of water breathing. Did you have an amulet? I don't think you had an amulet. I have the amulet. Yeah, but other people had the potions.

That's why we didn't take them. I will fire my arrows at... Did I give the amulet? I'm sorry, but maybe I gave the amulet because now I have Water Walk. I can't remember. I feel like you kept it and we distributed the potions to everybody else.

I have that amulet of survival and deception, but that's the only thing I have. So back to what you're gonna do i will shoot uh the aboleth twice with my bow and arrow all right uh it's a natural 20 oh um so it's i mean that's sweet crit damage do i double the so double the dice damage and add the normal damage bonus. 14 plus 4. So that's a total of 18 piercing against our friend Diaboleth. And then I will... Do I get to roll a percentile on that, Dan? You sure do.

Sweet. It's like if you guys can remind me because my mind is often... Of course. Ooh, that's a 3. Yeah, no additional damage bonus. That's a bad roll. I'll attack it again with my longbow oh that's a natural one oh roll a percentile on that can i just use that three right there dan

that's zero three uh 56 okay so you're gonna take uh nine points of slashing damage as you twang your finger right through the wire and you see some of that sort of alchemical cord that connects your armor just kind of like splash your mechanical blood over the water

my oil guts then we're going to go to the squid let's go to the squid the Let's go to the squid. The squid currently has your ankle. Check out the kiss cam. That squid's fucking that shit up. Oh.

You guys, Queep and Dr. Uwe, do a perception check. Okay. 22. 11. All right. 22 11 all right uh you see uh dr. a jet of

ink just whoosh into the water and dark third's body disappears in uh black ink cloud oh no of all time for us to have new toner cartridges. That'll bring us to Halcine.

You got to run that printer check. Oh my God. I got to clean the heads. Why are we cleaning the heads right now you guys? What are you looking at?

Oh yeah. I have a pin that looks like it's the Oakland Raiders but it says the Winona Riders and it's Winona Riders head actually.

So I still have Lightning going, right? So... Yes. I can just call that Dem. Uh-huh. And they do a dex check to have it, if I'm not mistaken? We did this before, but yes, a dexterity saving throw. Now, before, I couldn't do it on...

It's a 9 and an 11. Never forget. On their two dex saves. So they failed. Okay. I was just going to say, I can move it to a different person. You can, yeah. But we're saying that I still, if I hit him, it's going to get queep or no? Yes.

Okay, fine. Fine. Fine. So they both failed, is what you're saying. Yes. And I'm just going to quickly here, go ahead and just... Oh, what was that first one? I didn't see it. Your hand was covering it i apologize oh that's a good roll okay so uh 15 lightning damage whoa and then um that's pretty high and then uh

12 force damage oh shit uh how would you like to see the narwhal die um how would i like to see the narwhal die i'd like to see his his silver tusk just like curl up like limply just like like it melts like and then uh it's it's really embarrassing and then uh um and then i just want him to sink. Okay. Yeah, it just curls backwards like the proboscis of a butterfly and he just kind of fucking goes into the inky blackness. Under the house. Yeah, wizard of Oz's it up.

Are you going to stay in your position? I will hold my position. Aye. Dark Throne, I'm going to need you to do do a death saving throw please oh i thought he got to no you guys he got sucked in the water and slashed to death

again i forgot that again so wait wait no i'm sorry wait wait wait actually i think we might need to do a quick retcon brian because i wouldn't have if he

was in the water i wouldn't have done lightning on the water correct yeah this is sorry this is she didn't realize you were in the water so we're gonna yeah

i will i will i will give this to you. This is an episode. I thought you had just gotten up from... Cut to me flying around the world really fast. You got when you went down again? Yeah. At the end of the last episode. Yes.

I'm sorry, guys. It's all right. And then I disappeared. You don't even know where I am. Yeah, he's hidden in the water. Why did no one stop me? Why did you let me go through all that? Also, wouldn't he have been electrocuted?

Everybody's being very calm about that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it would have been an automatic fail. You just say, I'm not the only one who... You seem so confident. I was just about to reveal that he either had a fail and a success or a fail and a fail because of the lightning. All right, so can I see him at all?

No. Let's do this again. We're going to do something. No matter what the perception roll is, has disappeared in inky um water okay i'm gonna try to do um to just take where i saw him go down in the inky water and i'm gonna try to use my shape water to just like eject five feet of water out of the um out onto the thing. Like, you know what I mean?

What's the range on that? God damn it, Dan. I'm unprepared for any of this, I guess. Blaine, have you been to Palladino's lately? Are you looking? I thought you were looking. Well, I got a lightning spell going, but I can't do it because you're in the water.

You're covered in ink. Go ahead. Please talk. Yeah, I saw it was a hippie night. They had a guy with a bad hairpiece on. It was a weavy gravy. And they also had a country Joe and and the swedish fish okay they're still i i i didn't like them too much they were caught in my teeth for like either 30 minutes ranges 30 feet so you

can i'll say you can you can reach them oh i thought i was much farther you're a little farther but i already let you if you remember last, cast shape water to try to push them away from the exact same position. So even though I'm admitting I was wrong, me calling it out now doesn't make any sense. So I'm giving it to you. I do it. Okay.

You guys see Dargther just kind of bob up. Oh. Oh, wow. And is that your turn? So he's on the... Still frustrating, but he's at zero hit points, and he's now bobbing in blacky water. Not all of him is exposed.

You just see the side of his face and one of his arms. He's clearly unconscious. Can I move and do that? It's a cantrip. Yes. Okay, so I'm going to, I guess, move to him. This is dangerous for me, but I do have... You can get about that far.

I can't touch him, though? No, he's still... I mean, he's... Well... Yeah, you can touch him. Because look, that's where he is. You can bend over. I gave you the full 30.

Oh, okay. Of movement. Well, I guess I can't do two cantrips in one thing, can I? look at that's where he is you can bend over um i gave you the full 30 oh okay of movement um well i guess i i can't do two cantrips in one thing can i no that is two actions unfortunately okay well i'm ready my hands are ready okay to do spread the dying it would be funny if i just pushed you back underwater you can't do spread the dying as a bonus action apparently not according to dan no i i didn't know oh Oh, if that's the question, that's specific enough to... Let's try Spare the Dying, yeah. Wait, no, why would I be able to? That doesn't make any sense. Some spells you can do as a bonus action.

It's a good question. I don't have that kind of... My standard actions are cast a spell, so my bonus actions are all like... It's another cantrip. Yeah, if it's a cantrip, it might be. So it's an action, I think. Got it. Yeah, casting time, one action so okay that's guys i'm sorry i fucked up so many times and just like such a short period let's do that one i fucked up too it's fine cancel that out do it again let's just go to season four

this has been happening all campaign because we're trying to play a little closer to the rules and uh i certainly have never tried to play this close. I think it's also having a fight that is over four episodes long. That's where I get lost. My apologies to the listeners, to my friends, and my enemies here today. I mean, I tried

to make this so it would be hard. Okay, let's move on. You have an enemy here? Two, actually. I'm going to tell you who they are. Darkthrow, I'm going to need you to do a death saving throw for reals. Okay. I wish I could have kept the one I had. Oh, well.

We had to do a bit of retconning to make sure you weren't taking two fails. Another success? Yeah. Lovely. All right. So that's one death success. Up next, we've got the guard who is

going to try to yank you out of the water. Ooh, he rolled a 20. He pulls you back. Nice. But you're still dead. So to speak. Dying. Then we've got Queep. Queep, you're still dead, so to speak. Dying.

Then we've got Queep. Queep, you're up. Once again, I will try to chop at the tentacle, grabbing my... Sounds good. So disgusted were you that you referred to your own leg as a fart noise? I cast Charlie Callis. 13. 13 might be a hit I think he's got pretty low AC

it'll be a Christmas miracle that is a hit 8 points of damage alright the tentacle snaps off am I free? yes Siri was trying to look up tentacle snaps off. Am I free? Yes. Yay. Siri was trying to look up tentacle snaps off.

I don't know. I will attack again. Please do. 20. Oh, wow. Is that natural? Yes, sir. All right. Roll your damage.

Why are you staring straight ahead? Pick up your dice and roll your damage. I rolled it. He did. He's doing math. I did what you said. Oh, I didn't know. I was really rude.

I'm so sorry. 16 plus 3 is 19. Okay. Did you get your roll percentile, guys? As, huh? Yeah, roll percentile. First you chop it off, and then as it's flailing in the air, you slash against the tentacle

that you already cut the end off of yeah baby whoa that's a 91 roll 3d 12 and then add 5 19

so 19 so the end of this long tentacle is cut off now yes and you're chopping a second time at the stump yes and as you do it you just kind of glide like the force

because you're flying the force of your chop kind of glides you all the way down and you just like a fucking hot dog that's been sliced halfway and microwaved give it make a hot dog octopus out of the squid tentacle oh gosh just fucking split it in half and it curls again like the narwhals tusk did in that attack that ended up not happening. And it just... Then we're going to go to Dr. Uid. There is a dead Darkthor at your feet. I am Darkthor. I'm going to...

A distinction that I keep forgetting. I'm going to reach into my pocket and I'm going to ask Darkthor, Hey, we've never met before, have we, sir? So we haven't really had time to prepare anything ahead of time. We haven't really had a chance to meet up before the show. This audience member seems just like he doesn't know the guy at all. Hey, what's this behind your ear?

It's eight berries. I didn't say eat them. Let him eat them. Round of applause for my friend. What's your name? What's your name? It's Darkthor. Who's that?

Round of applause for Darkthor, everybody. I know you. So you get eight points of healing as he works your jaw. And I get one quote of applause. I needed it. I needed it bad. And he forces you to swallow the berries. It doesn't sound good.

But to use Goodberry for bringing your guy back, I got to do a little bit of narrative weaving, I think. So that'll bring you up a little bit. You're laying down fucking toasted again Darkthor took a lot of punishment and so the

guard is gonna now hop over and try to stab at the tentacles of this Aboleth. Darkthor you know why they were all attacking you because you look so trim in your outfit you're a good looking admiral fellow because you look so trim in your outfit. It's a miss.

You're a good-looking admiral fellow. What's going on? Just trying to boost your self-confidence a little bit. Sometimes you're a little gloomy Gus. Yeah. Hey, boss. Been a while since we checked in. I'm about to.

My turn's coming. Sounds good, boss. The guard gets a miss and a hit. Queep, you're up. Wait, that's not right. Yeah, I'll go. Is it? No. He just quit and split the tentacle.

Did I? I just did a bunch of damages. Yes. The guard should not have gone. The guard did not do that. It is the Aboleth's turn. Boo. Boo, Aboleth.

Why is Darkthrow over there now? you're down here buddy no i was i was right here when she pulled me out of the water okay i just got out of the way when you jumped over me okay that's my fault then um i was talking inanimate objects and confused myself. He is going to take First of all, let's get this guy out of here. He's fucking toast. Wait, no, is he? No, we retconned that. Yeah. His horn is still erect.

He's still alive. Fuck face, I hate him. You will shrivel him soon. He actually gets a turn. He's going for soon. I hope so. He actually gets a turn. Boo. He's going for Dr. Uwud. It's like that part in 1408 where he thinks he's...

Did anyone see that movie? 16 hit? Yeah. He thinks he's home and... 13, yeah. He thinks he's home his whole life. Just like that. Dr. Uwud, you take 15 points of psychic damage.

Okay. Well, then I'm dead. Okay. You're Uy, you take 15 points of psychic damage. Okay. Well, then I'm dead. Okay. You're not dead. You're dying. You're unconscious or you're dead? I'm dead. I'm below.

You have to be negative the same amount of your max hit points to be actually dead. You're unconscious. Okay. 5E rules are more forgiving. Okay. Yeah. Keep that in mind. more forgiving.

Okay. Yeah, keep that in mind. But you do see Dr. U would go down next to Darkthor, who just woke up. Jesus Christ, what's happening? And now it's the Aboleth's turn. This is terrible. Sorry, I had to go back. I took the narwhal out of the running order. This game.

Fucking Aboleth, too. Please, somebody save us. You guys see... Where's Green Lantern? Or Spider-Man? Its tentacles kind of rise out of the water. I'm going to need Halcine to do a wisdom saving throw. This is at advantage because it's a charm spell.

It's casting on you. 14. You needed a 14. Oh, okay, good. So you are not enslaved as it tries to grab you with its own mind. Shut up. Super plus to my weapon. Save and throw.

Wow. If your other healer went down, this would have... Does this count as an attack? Yes. Oh, but he didn't hit me, I guess. He did miss, but it was a spell attack. I can't do anything about that. Okay.

And, okay. That is all. Just for miss but it was a spell attack I can't do anything about that and okay that is all just for funsies I'll tell you those are all the enslaves he can cast today TikTok you're up I'm gonna shoot that not the Aboleth the other guy the Narwhal fuck him I'm gonna shoot him in his back yeah fuck a boss

oh while I'm doing that I'm thinking to my friend Gus. Hey, Gus, what's up with that flumph? Do you see that flumph walking in the door? Why don't I go check him out? And then when you're done attacking, I'll tell you what I thought. Keep your eyesies on him. Okay, so this is the first one with the bow. Is a 15 to hit?

Okay. Is it a hit? Against the narwhal? Against the narwhal. Yeah, it's a hit. It's a 14 you need. So it's nine points of piercing damage against him, and I'm going to shoot him again.

That's a 23 to hit. That's a hit. And that's 12 points of piercing damage. And now how would you like to see the narwhal die? I want his bone to shrink. Just like Halcyon. Okay. We recreate the Halcyon we recreate the

Halcyon death that was meant to be and it shrivels up like the Wicked Witch of the West's legs underneath that house in Kansas when it happens I go bzzz bzzz for you Halcyon bzzz bzzz fun squid's gonna try and grab

your other can I check in with Gus now with Flumpy he looks like he's hiding alright just do a perception check for me oh alright your perception

oh wait you get advantage or I'll do perception or insight yeah so it's 22 yeah he keeps going behind a rock and his little eye stalks

keep poking out like he's keeping an eye on the battle but doesn't want to engage or actually be noticed. I've looked at him right in the eyes and he was like, oh, and he kind of went like 10 feet back a little bit. He's reporting back to his master.

Seems like it. Okay, thanks, pal. Keep an eye on him. Yeah, boss. And now it's the squid that's going to try to grab you with his other good long tentacle. That is a 16 to hit. Creeps. Okay.

You take eight points of bludgeoning damage and are restrained again. This game. Yep. This is a fucking fight. Where'd you get that squid, that one where'd you get that squid dan where'd you get the squid oh from a hobby shop that's not an actual yeah that's like that tentacle was dead uh that's well maybe we pretended that's what got cut off last time but it's the only good one this one's cut off uh and then it's a long the long squid tentacles

listeners there's like the short arm octopus like ones and these are the long squid tentacles. Listeners, there's the short-arm octopus-like ones, and these are the long, wiggly ones. Helsing, you're up. Okay, so most of my spells now are going to cause damage to other people, so this is tough. Dr. Uid is... I know, I was just going to say. We got Dr. Uid is down and unconscious,

and you are up now. He's awake and on the ground with eight hit points. Okay, all right. So I guess I'm just going to run to Dr. Uwud and spare the dying. Okay. So Halcine runs to you. And you are now back to, is it one hit point or is there an automatic higher number? It's just he's stabilized.

Stabilized? Okay, great. No death saving. So if I, and then if I can use my. Well, thanks. If we can, I can drag us back from the edge there. I don't know if I can, but... Yes, in fact,

I won't make you do a check or anything, but you can, you know, you've used all but five feet so you can go, like, back. Are you doing both of them? Whoever I can take I guess. I think you can drag them both. Okay. So they're a little farther away,

and because he's a little bit farther back, he doesn't get to take any attacks or anything like that. Plus, it's like an involuntary movement. And I think each of us has a healing potion. You definitely have healing potions, but that's the kind of thing I'm not good at remembering offhand, and I don't always have time to take notes on, so I asked you guys to make note of who was holding yeah i feel like when we passed out the

the water breathing potions i think i have also we that we have three healing potions i feel like we would spread those out so if hal seen has one in her inventory and wants to try using it on one of these two folks i would allow it i probably didn't take one they just try to bring morale up some of your own seven plus essence and you put it in his mouth so that he would wake up. That's what happened. It was your personal

juice. I'm pretty sure you jerked him off into your hand. I just used a potion for him instead of being selfish. Doctor, it's up to nine hit points, folks. Right? That's what happened. And I'm in love! God damn it.

That must be Friday. I'm kidding, but thanks. That'll be your action, but you can get up. You can move around. You're still kind of leaning on the ground. You haven't really gotten up. What are you going to do? I'll get up.

And you're going to... Halcine kind of dragged you to here. Yeah, I'm going to move away from the water as much as I can well all right so that you got 15 left you can go like over here yeah okay I'm sick of this water it's rough he can obviously use waves from this sort of lake to yank you in the water the guard is up fires uh longbow at the singing misses uh narwhal's dead creep you're up chopper at the tentacle fucking chop at it wake up get him cuckoo oh 13 i'll go again i'm'm sorry. Not 13. 11. Yeah. You need 11 to hit. That's how much damage.

Four points of damage. Alright. How do you want to see this thing die? Yeah! Wow. I want to see all of its tentacles curl up. Okay. Until it packs itself into a little curled up ball. Okay.

And then just see it. Just sits there floating listlessly. Yeah, just kind of. Also, it should go fuck itself. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. And it. Goodbye.

And Dr. Uid, you are up. Or unless you want to move around. You're floating in the middle of the pool right now and there's a bunch of action happening over here. Oh, me? I fly away from over here. Okay. Out of the water. Dr. Uy.

It's just me sitting at my desk and I'm looking at the green glow of my computer monitor. Is this Jumpin' Jack Flash? What's happening? I guess I learned a little something about my friends this afternoon. Just being friends doesn't mean just healing people. Being a friend means helping people heal.

Hmm. I thought it was... This is interesting....a dookie in it so are you casting a healing spell or i don't i can't i can't really i truly don't know what just happened i can't really do anything i used my all my spells oh man all right well i was just doing a doogie Howser type journal entry. With my green computer screen. You can stand up and move away. Would you like to do that? Yeah. There's no more monsters, right? Nope.

There's a big old fucking aboliff still interested in murder. That guy. Oh, it's still alive. You know what? As fun as it is to see corpses. Get him out of here. Get him the hell out of here. I have removed. And your thunderstorm is still there?

It's much nicer now. That was the member that turned out to be. Oh, yeah. So you're getting up. I'm going to get a flame blade going. Okay. And head over to the edge of the water and take a swing at it. You got to get kind of over here.

Be careful. I like that it has windows on the side like a Flintstones. I know. 12. It's a miss. Marine. So, yay.

Cool. Flame blade mini. Ooh. Cool. so yay flame bait mini cool and that'll take us to the aboleth no he sees dr urid he gets terrified to death you spin and try to knock him in the water with his tail oh shit it's presenting

back to that weird monkey butt stuff if you want to compare electric blue assholes you're fucking with the wrong electric blue asshole 14 to hit that's a 13 all right so you're gonna get knocked in the water do i have time to cast a water walk no only if it's a reaction somehow which i don't think it is you take oh buddy you take oh buddy

11 points of bludgeoning damage as you are knocked in the water damn it I told you to be careful but I'm trying to be helpful it is now going to smash you with a tentacle no that is an automatic success

and you get a tentacle no that is an automatic success and you get a uh a death fail right away okay uh but i'm i believe if it hits you it might be two automatic fails how dare you so i'm gonna just look up that real real quick hey uh dying guy can you really quickly give me a commercial god damn everybody stay away from that guy hey eyes too wet dry those eyes out with visine dry drops gritty visine dry drops try them out so he, if he crits, it's to automatic fail. So he is going to roll. Oh, he got a 19. So one death fail. Okay.

And that is going to bring us to TikTok. TikTok, you see Dr. Disappear in the water and the tentacles start slashing. Yeah, I don't like this at all. I'm going to shoot the aboleth with my bow. Okay. Shoot. Okay, so that's

an 11. That's a miss. Okay, so the next one is 23 and that's 12 points of piercing damage. How would you like to see this aboleth die? Oh my god. I would like to see it shrink up even tinier than everybody else pieces yeah all right so you just hit it near its spine and the

arrow just shoots up into its body and it's been taking so much damage all of its guts just gets sucked out by the lake water and fill the pool behind it and its body just slowly uh deflates as all of its vital organs are ripped into the water float around it and the green glowing blood just fills the chamber could it gently push uh dr uwud's body back onto the cliff? No. I had a hat. But he is floating there. So for my movement, I will start running down there.

Give me six towards you. And Halcine, what would you do next? I would grab him and as i'm pulling him out of the water i would be uh casting i guess um he's unconscious right yeah okay you know what i can hear ah shoot you know what i don't have because i might all i have right now is um prayer of healing which takes a while so So I'm going to do

as I'm pulling out of the water, I'm using my cantrip of spare the dying. So it's stable, but then I can't. It's going to take you 10 minutes for anybody to get him kind of on his feet. I have a potion we can give him. I mean, yeah, I guess we

regroup here, but he'll You can spend a potion and he will regain those hit points. So roll the hit points for him. 2d4? I'll let either one of you roll it. Okay, Blaine, you roll it. Hey, boss, I think while he's doing that, you should have me roll a perception check

for keeping an eye on this flump. Will do, boss. All right, so you're up to six hit points, Blaine, and you are now conscious. You've got a 22 perception, boss. Thank you. I went down this long, dark tunnel. He's kind of disappearing. He's trying to make a quiet, courteous, stealthy exit, but I can see him. It's dark, you know.

Why don't you say, hey, Flumph, say hi to the Archmage of Vanzerville for us, you sneaky fucker. Hey, Flumph, why don't you say hi to the Archmage of Vanzerville for us, you sneaky fucker. He didn't respond, but he definitely noticed that I yelled at him.

Well, I think we sent the message. Why don't you come down here? All right. So he flies back to you guys. Bacon. Should we talk, rock him and just be like,

come get your boy. You can, would you like to? No, you haven't used the talk rock in a, you know, a day or so, but you did right before you came down here.

We asked him what an abalone was. So you got another term. Very interesting. Yes. But you did right before you came down here. We asked him what an abalone was. So you got another turn. Very interesting. Yes, but bacon is very appreciative to be alive. We saved his bacon. Mm-hmm. Is there any noticeable change in the slime? It doesn't seem to dissipate.

It seems to have made quite a mess. It's lingering. You think this was a very powerful monster, and the magic of its corpse is still going to... Shall we search this area for goodies, treasures, and such? Bacon actually tells you, well, you know, this is a big deal what you guys just did. This could set,

I mean, in my opinion, this could have been the deep holy that those guys worship. I don't know if there's a bigger god they worship, but this might have been their god you just killed.

Yes. I'm sure there'll be no repercussions. I bet there will be these guys anyhow uh you know we were uh not sure what we were gonna do if we killed it but we do suspect there is stuff in the water that thing has sort of an underwater lair that it comes from. So let's go look. Cool. I put on my amulet.

All right. Wait, before we do that, do we want to short rest it up? Doesn't Dr. would have no spells. What if we do long rested up and then we, cause sure.

Sure. I don't get him his spells. Sure. Camp down here. It's a whole lot of seafood meat floating in the water. Is there any magical way to clear that out? Great question. You can use shape water to try to shove it.

Like a Brita filter spell or something. Probably. I'm sure there are certain necromancy spells, but I don't know if any of you guys have them. Maybe Dr. Ud would too, but I don't know. You might not have learned. I mean, no, Dr. Ud's like out of spells. He needs to long rest for sure.

Yeah, that's long rest, I guess. All right, so if you guys are going to long rest, I'm going to just have, what did we classically just have TikTok do some perception rolls? Yes. All right. It's 18. So 20.

All right. These guys all start resting. Would you be learning a spell with your first pass or would you be asleep, you think? Halcyon. Me? Yeah. For the first of the three four-hour stretches.

This is narratively. It's more narratively important than it is like. I guess I'll stay awake for the first one. And then, uh, so you're kind of not really paying much attention, but tick tock, uh, you notice in how scenes,

you know, uh, pouch you, you hear what sounds like a voice. What the hell? Oh, that's kind of muffled, but talk,

talk, talk. Oh, I think you're getting a call. Yellow. Hello. Have you done it? I don't like his tone.

There's a pause. We didn't hear it. You don't react right away. And he says, only she hears it, right? Or do we hear it? You can only hear it. She's attuned to it, so only you can use it. But you can only hear it. You don't react right away. And he says... Only she hears it, right? Or do we hear it? You can only hear it. You guys are sleeping. She's attuned to it, so only you can use it. But you can only hear it.

I thought they were sleeping. If you're asleep, you can't hear shit. I'm asleep. I don't hear it. He's just being TikTok. After a beat, he says... Bring me the coral. We'll consider.

What's the coral? He says, I recommend this time you do not delay in bringing me the artifacts. Why? Suffering.

Whose? Silence. Probably in a parking structure. Do you think he's threatening us? I'll do an insight check. But you two. Just you two in this conversation. Is this the dead dragon?

14. That was the Archmage of Vanzaray. But he was referring to... You got 22? Yeah, he's definitely making a threat. You also, with a 22, would infer the coral is the artifact uh that it's probably underwater somewhere and that he is wants you to bring him

both that and the dragon's eye with the telekinetic charges in it and he's he's he's pissed you're not that flume oh it's gone oh he left at this point it's been a couple hours so he knew that we had defeated it when the thing he was testing to see if you were telling the truth like a real dipshit alright well didn't you guys go out for a while you hear one

one more time have you seen Karen though alright so one more time. Have you seen Karen though? All right. So my dad, that's a weird question. Oh, I apologize.

Yeah. I don't remember if you have any more words left, but he's basically used all that he cares to. So you can, you can send more to him if you want. I just thought he was done. He had no more words. Does he?

No, no, he doesn't have any words. No, he doesn't have any words. Yes, he does not have no words doesn't have any words you wasted your words dumbass do an intimidation check he did say do not instead of don't

at one point he's a dick 20 okay note that okay and yeah

will you continue resting and learning now I'm gonna rest yeah okay roll for next shift please uh gus got a 20 i got a 15 the gus uh lets you know the lake is really starting to smell and he can tell when he does like a pass up above like higher up in the cave where the stairs start to spiral up like way up there he's like yeah the the cave, where the stairs start to spiral up, like way up there. He's like, yeah, the whole cave. Oh, boy.

Can I pray to Valkyr for, like, cleansing power? Do a religion check, sure. Oh, you know what? You're sleeping at this point. Right before I went to bed, I started to smell it. That's what you do before you go to bed. I kneel and I, you know. Cast scrubbing bubbles.

Now I'm going down to sleep look at the shine they leave behind right valker this stink um 19. um you feel like you connected with valker you don't notice anything immediately as you go off to sleep. Still smells bad during the next shift. Third shift, roll your perception for you and Gus. Gus got a 20. You notice crawling out of the walls, Gus notices little spiders that can walk on the water and are obviously taking little scavenging nibbles on all the floating monster meat. And it looks like there's maybe a hundred of them.

They're real small. They're just kind of like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Let's fuck up. Somebody call Sark. Is that what Valkor said? Uh,

you're not sure, but you all wake up. Oh, guys, you missed it. These spiders ate everything. I'll'll see you do an insight check they gotta be really fat right 11 you recognize that uh there's something unusual about the spiders

i thank him great all right are we going diving yeah alright so do you have enough that you can all go you have a potion or two and you have an amulet I thought we had three potions and I don't breathe

and I have an amulet that sounds like you're all good to go on the guard except for I can change I can change into something with gills yeah

oh so you could take the guard like Vince or you could take Gus I feel like the guard or someone should be guarding so probably the guard we should or you could take Gus I feel like the guard or someone should be guarding

so probably the guard we should leave maybe on the like Gus Swimdown or we could keep Gussie with the guard and Gus can tell us what's going on

above the surface but I want to ask Gus hey would you like to express a little free will here would you rather come or would you

rather stay I've never been super far in the water. I'm just going to hang out with this guard, I guess. His name is Bacon. Maybe he'll give you a treat. Give me that treat. Let's go down and find the Duggan's. We're going to go over what potion of water breathing does,

because the amulet is going to be more powerful. The amulet is going to be more powerful. So you can breathe underwater for one hour after drinking this potion. So you guys are just going to quaff it and dive down? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Okay. I love saying quaff.

When I played MUDS in the 90s, that was how you would do slash quaff to drink a potion. Can we remind each other, how will our weapons work underwater should we need them? Like just so we know ahead of time, like are bows going to be halved? I'm going to go ahead and, there's, let's see, one, two, three, four.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and cast Bless. But sorry but sorry i'm just gonna cast it on you three um and it means that if you make an attack roll um or a saving throw in the next minute you get to add a d4 to it so just in case we like go down there and we find something horrifying or we start to drown or something then at least that maybe will help cool okay okay um the the rules basically for underwater combat is unless uh you have some sort of spell that cancels this out you roll with disadvantage on all melee attacks and ranged attacks okay Okay. Unless you throw a ranged attack like it's a javelin, and then you do not roll with disadvantage. I have a javelin.

There you go. That javelin would not roll with disadvantage. That would be... Sweet car. Odds-wise, easier to hit something with. Are you all set? Yeah. Great. So you all set yeah great so

you all down your potion who's been you've got the amulet tick tocks ready to go I will say as soon as you get in the water you notice you're heavier than water so it does take a little bit of extra effort and you feel like if you're in a crisis

situation if I retract my armor does that help or is it I will retract my arm but does that help? It does. I will retract my armor. That will, of course, affect your armor class. You get underneath sort of the sludge and the foam created by all the animal blood and guts, and you start to head a little bit farther down.

The main lake, it's a little bit farther down the the main lake you know there's it's a little more shallow here where there's spikes of rock deposits coming up and not a lot of sea life it's very cold lifeless not not no seaweed no plants but it all kind of dips deep until it's a couple hundred feet this is like a huge pit that's filled with water and it all starts to dip in this direction and where there's a higher wall right and um it narrows and you can see just about the size of the big aboleth's body there is a tunnel um and it it heads deeper underwater into the cave i would say uh you know first couple minutes you can just case it and figure that out and get to the mouth of it

are you all going to go down yes okay swim for about five minutes kind of turns twists goes deep down deeper deeper gets really dark anybody who doesn't have dark vision

is going to need to start having a buddy system as you lose your ability to see anything that's me yeah the same with me maybe we could tie a rope to our friends without to our elf friends yeah let's do it okay maybe we could tie like it could be like dark Thur then queep I thought I have it I have it right in Hal seen and then me and then dark so there's like basically yeah be like dark there then creep I thought I have it I have it right then how seen and then me and then dark so there's like basically yeah someone with dark vision ahead and behind us yeah

sounds good doesn't a dark there have it dude yeah aren't you healthy I think so yeah yeah you're a drow you have dark vision okay cool half drow were you saying something sir no all right so you uh you know you spend about 15 minutes and you you get pretty far where it's inky black uh you haven't touched the walls the whole time am i right you're just trying to playing out to yeah trying not to so uh at a certain point

you start to see light all of a sudden right near the end of 15 minutes and it's around uh you go straight down there's like this glowing dot you spend another five minutes going down you're now 20 minutes in your hour and you see a vast expanse uh it is is an underwater city it is unsettling to look at it doesn't look like even like a fish-like humanoid would have lived here it's like a series of tunnels it's a bunch of um like rising tubes of what looks like hardened chitinous organic material there are uh a couple of what looks like large temples that are open area you see skeletons all over the ground there's skeletons of familiar human races ones with horns coming out of their heads small ones tiny ones large ones ones with narwhal like tusks coming

out of their head all just everywhere like thrown aside like junk food wrappers all over the ground of this place nearby there is what is a very large outdoor temple with large stone pedestals reaching up and it looks like some kind of nest for some sort of creature kind of dug into it there's a lot of slime it looks like the rock has been damaged by a creature just leaning up against it for maybe even weeks, months at a time. The expanse

is large. You think it'll take you at least another five minutes just to get to that temple or there's a couple of smaller tubes that you guys can reach in about five minutes. But the city is massive and you think it would take you days to explore. that you guys can reach in about five minutes. But the city is massive, and you think it would take you days to explore most of it. I feel like we have to leave and come back.

Yeah, we only have an hour with your thing. Well, let's go to the... Do we have to leave to get to the... How far is it to the nest? About a five-minute swim. So we should go there, right? And then leave? Well, you're 20 minutes

into your swim at this point. I guess me and TikTok could go. And the rest of these guys, would they start swimming back? I don't have a time limit either. I think you're the only one who has a limit. What kind of creature are you? You should declare that. I'm sort of like a

humanoid. I'm like a merman. Okay. I'm just an amphibious. I can... A sahooigan? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, you know, like a... It's sort of a Polish Chetty Brat. Right? I don't know what some of that was. And I'm not sure if it's... Hickory Farms remembers. I think that checks out. Okay. Polish Brat, I knew what that was. And I'm not sure if it's for the... I think that checks out. Okay.

Polish brat, I knew what that was. Makes good sense. So, okay. So, Dr. and I will take off. You're going to head back up the tunnel. As these guys go, you three descend towards the little nest in the temple. Why don't you three do perception checks? Not you, Brian.

You're swimming back. 14. 11. 19. You get real close, and at first, yeah, there's just what looks like sloughed-off dead flesh of a very large aboleth. You do see there is an abundance of Tusk folk bodies.

There's a lot of them. So there's been some sort of you know sacrifice of their own people to this thing or they've been down here getting eaten alive but there's no immediate sign of life um it didn't have hands so there's no like obvious tools but there are carvings in the wall uh there's these vistas of giant sea monsters just with bodies falling out of their mouths as they hungrily just chew on entire populations and cities um there's some of them are bursting out of the ground some of them are on the beach eating people and dr uid you see in the nest what looks like there is like a little glowing stick kind of half buried in dead skin. A glowing stick. Buried in skin.

Oh, oh, that makes it okay. I'm going to throw up detect magic, obviously. Okay. How close are you going to get to the stick before you cast it? Right now the stick is sort of in this pile of dead skin that's about you know um 50 feet in either direction there's a stone vista so i obviously also would have told him about the conversation with the archmage yes that he said bring the coral to him so we think that there's another one of these artifacts or

whatever of it so you cast but is you saying that so he won't cast the tech magic you know i'm just reminding him that or telling you guys that i told him that this thing is lighting up it lights up but there are uh several things that light up amongst the skeletons amongst the dead skin um and there is a large aura just uh above you that just sort of passes away like something's watching us or floating around or following us like another aboleth i hope not oh christ we gotta get out of here yeah get the fuck out of here yes get out of it let's get should we grab this thing yes grab it and go i each time grab the piece of coral it when you pull it out of the thing you just like

like a beacon the whole water just everybody do a perception check that's about 15 16 um um you just sort of like as it hits up the the the light coming off of this it's like a you know like um an arm of coral like it's it's got like a little crick in it uh as you grab it and you hold it up in the light it hits a lot of debris in the water so it's kind of hard to see far but there is like a dark silhouette about the size of a sperm whale that just kind of like goes over. Above you, like directly above you.

Do I get any sort of like a vibe from this, Carl? Like something, it's something I could use? Do an arcanature. Some sort of weapon? 19. You think you could attune to it with a rest? Okay. Yeah, and maybe you could learn more to it with a rest? Okay. Yeah.

And maybe you could learn more about it that way. All right. Let's go back down that small tunnel that the sperm whale can't go through. Okay. Maybe we short rest down here. There's a lot of these small tunnels. And now that you've actually swum into the temple of the nest, there's four.

There's like one here, one here, one here, one here. So there's like two vertically stacked on either side of this little temple nest. Cool. Maybe we can hide that thing so it's not quite a glowing beacon. Yeah, wrap it up and let's go. Yeah, I'm going to get a cloth around it so it's kind of deadened a little bit.

Do you want to wait here or go up? I think we should go back the way we came back to the lake, right? The lake is above you. You're a ways down underwater now. I think we should go back the way we came back to the lake, right? The lake is above you. You're a ways down underwater. I thought we went down and then through a tunnel to get there. That's what I was imagining. It's like the lake is up here and you went through this tunnel

that was like just kind of zigzag down. Like an underground anthill. Yeah, let's go. So up. Stealthy swimming. Everybody roll a stealth check. So up. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Okay. Stealthy swimming. Everybody roll stealth check. Not you,

Brian. I'll get back to you and keep in a second. Natural 20. Natural 20. Oh my gosh. I got a six. Good thing you're not

holding like the only torch. How are we doing on time sam we have three minutes okay so you guys start swimming up um you know again it takes you five minutes just gotta sing you don't see anything immediately i'm singing very quietly the three of you get closer uh you start you two especially start to get pretty cocky because you find a good rhythm in the water where you're swimming up. Blaine, yeah, I mean,

even though you're in a fish-like form, you're still getting used to it. You haven't been one before. So yeah, you're singing your song quietly to yourself. What are you singing? I'm singing... Well, underwater girls are hip. I really dig those gills.

They sport and the other girls that I met at college when I had 10 year. Yeah. Sorry. Uh, you feel, uh, this thud. Um, all right. You feel this thud. All right. You guys hear this dull poof, and you see Dr. Uwe just go, like, straight up.

He hits the ceiling. What? Blaine, you take... Some time to be a dad today 21 points of bludgeoning damage for fuck's sake uh you guys turn around and you see these

tentacles no that are like the size of time boat like in width just like waving at you and deep beneath you see this strange head and shoulders that are like this thing is bracing itself on like the edge of the city i thought that is a tunnel that was the size of the aboleth

it's an you're you're just coming coming out of an underwater city that's in this like like open expanse right and you're trying to get to the tunnel that the abalones went through but you're not quite there yet you just like there's a roof to this whole thing just just for visual for listeners too like it's a roof with a hole in it that you're trying to swim through and you you two were ahead and dr u had got smacked by a tonic went bamf against the ceiling and you just see him ahead of you now kind of going. Okay. And below you, there's something with shoulders,

the size of buildings with two tentacles, uh, waving in your direction. And on that note, uh, really quickly. Hey, um,

dark sir and creep. So you, you, you, you swim up, um, and you get to the surface and uh hey you gotta you gotta want to tell gus what's going on oh yeah i tell gussy there's a giant down here

we're in trouble um and gus as you guys come out of the water looks at you guys it says um they're getting fucked and on that note Sam, what do you think happened this episode? Oh, in episode forty nine Hal seen defeated the narwhal and curled his tusk up like a roly poly dark thirst floating around and it reminds me of how much that jaws game hurt me. Sarah apologized for the many game mistakes

she's made and I forgive her doctor who it is dead or dying. This game used to be so fun. Tick tock is restricted by a tentacle half this people at the table are now useless. What is this Congress? Yeah, yeah, holy shit, I forgot we had talking rocks. I started engineering at eight am today guys. I now understand why we rest how scene prayed for help and we got spiders, so yay.

We swam our way into a nest and we found a glow stick. Oh, Dr. Ood wasn't dead, but now has been sucked into the ceiling and now may be dead. And there is something big and impolite in this water. I had to move my Sacramento shows so I will not be there in January,

but hopefully this spring I'll let you know when I change them BrianPassine.com Not a ton of gigs until later in the year but stuff coming up Thanks for listening

Happy New Year everybody Happy New Year Soon We're listening. Happy New Year, everybody. Happy New Year. Soon. Happy New Year. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. All right, I got it. Oh, that's what I don't. It's too much.

He actually goes. Good night, Mrs. Callum. Resume. Good night, Mrs. Callum. I call it Resmitech. The prestige. Oh, I know. I never heard it. You guys, too much of what I said. Jesus, Chris.