Nerd Poker - Episode 5 - The Fungal Spire

Episode Date: March 14, 2018

Why is everything in this world so gross? There's no easy answer as the party continues to carve its way through the magical school of Roke to find survivors. And they do find some, though Twee continues to be haunted by his arcane trigger finger. Will the crew figure out what the hell is going on with the new tower that has sprung up from the ground? That might take a while. In the meantime they will at the very least make some NPCs very uncomfortable with their choices.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. What's up, guys? It's Rose Poussaint from Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker, and it's Episode 5, Season 2. Hey, buddy. That was really good. Good work. Good work.

I like it. Oh, yeah. That's our hit bar. I like it. Oh, yeah. Are they our advertiser? I put it on mute. Okay, pal. Thank you, sir. Thanks, buddy. I love you, buddy.

Thank you, Rhodes. Oh, God. Thank you. He just said cha-ching for love. Did you dab when you did that? Yeah. A lot of dabbing going on in this house. Just peeled out the Mercedes AMG. Here, I'll do it for you.

Cha-ching. You guys got a cha-ching dab. Cha-ching. Okay. All right. That sounds like the new Donald Glover project. Cha-ching dab. Okay.

He's a genius. Everything he touches turns to genius. Hey, everybody. Hello. Hey. Hey, everyone. Sarah's here. Mm-hmm.

Ken. Liza. Dan. Hello. Blaine. Hey, hi. And Sam behind the wheels of... And Spidey just came in and said

hey everyone. Can I thank some Patreon subscribers? Yes, please do. Here's what I would like to do. I'd like to thank Adam Bomb TV. Thank you, Adam Bomb TV. Thank you, Aglet on my chode. Oh no. Thank you, Adam Bomb TV. Thank you, Aglet on my chode. Oh, no.

Thank you, Eyes... Remember, what's going on? He's in the other room. Forgive me. Eyesberg. I don't know what that is. Thank... Oh, yeah, I have to censor myself

because he's right over there. Is that Romaine's sister? We won't do that one then. Thank you, Spencer Putterbaugh. But you can say that. Thank you, Andrew Gring. Thanks, Andrew. Thank you, Nico Batson.

Thanks, Nico. Hey, I wonder if Nico's related to Billy at all. Shazam. Rudes, we're playing, buddy. I'm dude, you gotta shut up. Atlas Zeus, Achilles Mercury. Everybody lean in real close so you can hear me whisper this one in the mic

so Rhodes can't hear. Thank you. Fuck Morrissey. I don't think that's ever happened. He's celibate. That's right. He's asexual if I'm not mistaken He's the sexual Sorry, that's an A. Whitney Brown joke

Sorry, a The Whitney Brown joke A. Whitney Brown I remember A. Whitney Brown Saturday Night Live, Daily Show I did a week with him at the Comedy Cafe in Washington D.C. in the 80s He was very funny, that fucking guy. Still is. I think he's still alive.

Let's take a look at that map. And... Yep, still alive. Let me take out a marker to draw that map. What happened in that? Oh, please don't. Brian just changes the subject. Yeah, so last episode, you guys were in the College of Roke

in the city of Tinnant. You were trying to clear out some possessed people who befell some bad luck at a fortune-telling party. These were basically magic college students. They were young. They were full of magical dreams. And in particular, your new companion, Esmeralda, was from the Blades chapter where they trained Eldritch Knights. So you guys were kind of headed in that direction because she knew of a couple of vacant buildings where there might be survivors hiding. Ken can't go one episode without choking either on some sort of inflamed tonsil or his own saliva.

I'll fly out of your body. But yes, you are looking for survivors and you just went through an underground tunnel. You've got the captain of the Tenant Guard with you, Captain Kenwald. He's an older gentleman. He's got a shaved head. He's got a helmet. He's got some nice armor on because he's the captain.

And then you've got Carl, a visitor to one of these fortune-telling parties, and you helped him lose a leg because it appeared to have been infected with some sort of supernatural muscular distortion spell. So you guys are all moving. and the ground shook, Carl fell down briefly.

Uh, and you notice the mage tower. That's sort of the centerpiece of the College of Roke tumbled into a pile of bricks and flame. And in its place, you're all sort of seeing this

for the first time. This was not described in great detail when last we met. So this is all going to be new information. There's a secret outside. A secret outside? You're already outside. What the fuck are you talking about? Where's the other game?

What? You went outside and whispered something. What? No, you're talking about when I went outside and whispered something to my phone. That was for the Patreon episodes. I'm super high. I was like, why are you taking me down this tangent right now? What is happening?

Oh, okay. Hey, is this the campaign where we all have Corvettes? Yes. You all have sunglasses. You're all vampires. Oh, all right. Cool. Oh, this is the To Live and Die in LA campaign, right?

That's not a reference. Okay, so Brian's gone. I'm going to continue with this really story-specific detail. I'm getting attacked while he's gone. I'm going to continue with this really story-specific detail. I didn't get attacked while he's gone. Oh, yeah. So all of a sudden, a goblin runs out from an alley and pants his Bodhi. Bodhi, what do you do? Oh, nothing?

Okay. So the goblin points and laughs, and a bunch of goblin cheerleaders come in, and they all start laughing. And then, oh, hey, Brian. at laughing and then um oh hey brian oh nothing nothing happened you got pants by a goblin what not really i had a goblin pull your pants down okay so you guys happened before notice that a new tower has sprung up where the mage tower was. The ground kind of splits open, and this glowing kind of bright white,

almost yellowish green tower shoots straight up like a beam of light. You're not sure what it's made of, but it doesn't look like it's brick. It's kind of phosphorescent. It almost looks like it has things growing out of it. So it looks organic. You're a few blocks of campus away from it, so you don't have a very clear look, but it goes up into the clouds.

It's a cloudy night. And, uh, yeah, I mean the, the ground is still kind of humming from it after it. It's made cloudy night. Yeah, I mean, the ground is still kind of humming from it. Does it look like it's made of flesh? Not really. But it almost does seem like it might be pulsating. It seems like those are your Lego building blocks of your world. It's just like random tissue laying around everywhere. So it seems pulsating.

It almost looks like it's fungal. It's got this sort of dense, foamy look to it from a distance. What's grosser than flesh? Mushrooms. They're from another planet. They have spores in their gills. I remember the first time when I was a vegetarian, someone tried to convince me to eat more mushrooms

as a main course kind of a thing. And yeah, I'm used to it now. I like it. It's a steak and vegetable. Right, right. But that first time you bite into a giant portobello cap and it's just like, you feel like you're chewing on a piece of couch. But yes, you see this happening. um but yes you uh you see this happening okay um uh like half a block in front of you there's those buildings that uh esmeralda knew might have uh somebody in them you're surrounded by very high

city walls and um captain kenwald after taking a minute to kind of look at the new tower uh and goes holy mother of fuck uh he looks over at you guys and says, I'm not sure what you're planning to do. But there is a guard's quarter built into the wall behind these buildings over here. We can try and go inside the wall. But at a certain point, I'm not sure how much I can tarry here. I should defend my city. Like, I came here on a rescue mission. Sam, for the love of God, you're a professional engineer.

What would lead you to believe you can... Don't back into those test tubes. No, no, Sam, the test tubes. Oh, no, my glockenspiels. Try not to bump the glockenspiels. No, the glockenspiels, Sam. Oh, my God. Oh, not the crystal goblets

filled with varying levels of liquid. I mean, there's been a lot of good stuff going on. It's mostly just a lack of disrespect towards me that I'm noticing. A total lack of disrespect towards you. Double negative.

So our choices are to go into the wall. You can go into the wall. Just a double negative myself. I'm still really high. So our choices are to go into the wall. You can go into the wall. You can go keep looking for survivors. And there's also this tower that's suddenly here. What do we think? Survivors, wall, tower. I was going to say, from the point of view of Captain Kenwald,

that he was, yeah, he's like, you know, just because Thane is dead doesn't mean that we, you know, just because Thane is dead doesn't mean that we, you know, we do have some spellcasters who might be able to help with the dead situation. If you catch my drift, my city is not lost. There is the Thane's wife who was away, but she'll be back. And she has, you know, a pretty big magical repertoire herself. I mean, this is her city as much as anyone's. Like, I'm not just going to ignore what's happening to my city. This is clearly a threat to the civilians on the other side of the college wall.

I mean, I feel like we're not ignoring it. We're sort of a grand theory. He's worried about ignoring it. I mean, he's like, you know, like, I don't know what you guys are going to do, but I'm beginning to get a bit torn about my priorities here. So if you're going to keep looking for survivors, my clock's kind of ticking at this point. Okay.

Go through the wall. Is that what he's hoping we'll do? I'm trying to read Dan's mind, because I'm genuinely unsure how he wants... I thought that was supposed to be our goal. Multiple choice. Multiple choice. How high is the wall i'm prepared for multiple outcomes if the ultimate if the ultimate goal is to it's like 10 stories high

the moon from crashing into the earth not the earth whatever the planet um then we need to figure out what's going on right yes the way to figure out what's going on is probably to investigate here or maybe to go to one of these other colleges and something. But yeah. Are we near a door or a gate right now? He points behind the buildings where there might be survivors. And he says, yeah, there's a small guards entrance into the wall, but there's not a big city gate inside the college. Is there any way I could go on the other side fly over there and open something um he says uh you you could probably

fly over the wall i don't know how much it would really help us but uh you could definitely it would look cool that'd look really cool well he says okay so i don't know if the if one of the other guards has maybe locked you know any of the the doors on the other side of the wall, so you could scout that if you wanted to. Sure. Well, I think we just need to decide, are we trying to get out or are we trying to go farther in? I think that's just a decision that we as a group need to make. We're trying to find out information.

Right, so that feels like the choices are to investigate further here. Maybe this weird fungal tower thing. I like the fungal tower. So, yeah. How far away is the fungal tower? He says he'll stay with you. He'll stay with you briefly if you want to keep looking for survivors. He can guide you in through the wall,

or he will part ways with you if you want to head towards the fungal tower oh i'm leaning towards the wall or yeah continuing to save people but i'd say we go through the wall okay with me all right go through the wall sure okay so just to be clear our ultimate goal in going through the wall is to go back out to the town or to go farther deeper into the college if you go through the wall you are kind of leaving the college you're kind of going into just the guards quarters inside the wall that's what i was trying to clarify i think so we're going on to other colleges you can go on other colleges yeah so let me see if

i've got my map so like the college is is this sort of sector of this city and outside this wall there's some like villager buildings and then woods a couple places to see bands you follow this road according to a map that you picked up from the Thane's quarters, this road will actually take you to another college after a long trip. Okay. However, inside this wall, it's just all guard stuff. It's tunnels, there's some small armory

stuff the captain tells you, but, I mean, you're already sort of right by the mage tower right here, inside the city. Were we waiting for the Thane's wife to come back? He said he's going to stay around the city and hope that the Thane's wife comes soon. They sent a messenger to her when he died. He said, we need her help and this is her city.

Now that the whole city is clearly in danger, she's a part of my priority as well. Well, then let's find more survivors, hopefully enlist them to help us. Okay. Yeah, Carl's like, okay, man, whatever you guys say. So you're going to approach the empty buildings? Yes. Okay. So as you head there, you hear screaming inside.

That's not good. That sounds like a human. You get to a door. We're not crashing a scene from Porky's, are we? How big is the building? No, Kim Cattrall is not the sound of the scream. It's a human male, it sounds like. It's a building in the dark.

It's a two-floor building. It's about the size, it sounds like. It's a building in the dark. It's a two-floor building. It's about the size of a small apartment. These are an empty couple of buildings meant to be dorms for the Blades, for the Eldritch Knights in training. Let's go in kind of stealthy. Well, it's a human scream, right? Right. Yeah, okay.

So we go in. All right. You try the door and it's open. It's dark inside. You guys all see pretty well because you've got night vision. Okay. Do we need light? Yeah, we don't need to light.

Not at the moment. Okay. Captain Kenwald says it sounds like it's coming from upstairs. Yeah, move. Move quickly, but, you know. Stealthily. Stealthily and keep an eye on it. He makes it to some

stairs the other end of the first floor you guys follow yeah um he gets into a doorway uh and um he uh says let's go let's go let's go uh you guys get to the top of the stairs and you see there's somebody um being dragged oh so remember last episode those guys there that you ran into like a couple dozen of that were like um uh skinless people and so i tried to draw one of them it's pretty gross uh but this is sort of what they look like they're like on their back they're looking upside down their arms and sort of what they look like. They're like on their back. They're looking upside down. Their arms and sort of torso muscles are like spider legs. And their legs just sort of stick up backwards. One of them is using their muscle tissue strands to drag a person towards them.

Cut the muscle strands. Yeah. Attack the muscle strands. Run over there? Yeah. All right. Everybody roll muscle strands. Yeah. Attack the muscle strands. Run over there? Yeah. Alright, everybody roll a 20, please. 20. 17. 18. This is your initiative.

19. Blaine's good. What's your plus? I got a 9. 20. Do you have a plus to your initiative? Oh, with my plus to my initiative is... More than 20?

What'd you get, Brian? I have a 19. Great. I think a 20 is okay. What'd you get, Sarah? 20 with the plus. Damn, you guys get great initiatives. Nine.

Yours is terrible. You don't count. I've decided you're not playing anymore. Damn. All right. Kenwald got a 14. I don't matter. What the?

Your 27th guy is flashing the door so wait uh you got a 22 20 also I got a 20 also yes uh hey um twee and esmeralda do a quick uh 20 off five three two 20 off. Five.

Three. Two. Tui, you're up. I'm up. I'm going to hit this guy with a couple of hand bolts. Okay.

Right? Fire bolts? Yeah. The thing that's attacking him, right? Mm-hmm. I want to make sure I don't fuck this up. Because last time I... Attack the bad thing and not the good thing.

Yeah, I'm going to attack the bad thing and not the good thing. So I'm rolling to attack the bad thing. Here I am, attacking the bad thing. 16. All right. It's beautiful. It's mine. Roll for damage. Those are 8s, right? Those are 8 bolts. Who did that song?

No, 10s. Ringo Starr. Oh, 10s? Sorry. Ringo Starr. He predated Christine, 16, which Kiss being creepy. I couldn't fence that one out.

And 17, Winger being creepy. 15. Oh, there's a 50s year 16. You're beautiful. Yeah, it probably is, right? Esmeralda, you're up. Okay, I should note that with Dan's blessing,

I made some tweaks to my character because i made some mistakes with the spell selection and also because um of other reasons so anyway there may be there may be some things well we had to we had we wanted to make sure that these were both of like like oh like she can go off the the normal track of an eldritch knight yeah a little bit but also stick to it as much as possible i picked some spells i shouldn't have picked and then we have to fix that so um anyway but uh it's fine hopefully it'll make my rolls a little better easier okay i'm gonna attack though with a simple battle axe go for it

i missed i'm pretty sure. It has an armor class of 12. I missed. Okay. Bodhi, you're up. I'm going to hack at it with the Herald of Kelmar. Great. The Herald of Kelmar.

I'm going to do some fire damage on them, too. You sure is. And I'm probably raging. And I hit a 17. That'll work. Great. Roll for damage, please. That's a plus two fire.

Yep. 2d6. Nice. It's eight. Great. So you guys have managed to fuck this thing up pretty bad um and you're raging uh take take another swing okay jesus what's with the bonus this lead one is uh so that's 18 oh jesus yeah that's a hit okay uh nine and fire great so this thing's pretty screwed up uh captain kenwald is right behind you and before he can get over there so like what happens is these tendrils pull the guy into the rib cage.

The rib cage just kind of squeezes the guy, and then it hops up on its legs. And so this human is now upside down, caught in the rib cage, and this thing is trying to run away. This thing's terrible. So now it's running around like this with the dude caught in the rib cage alright can I pack it? so it's on it's feet?

it jumped up on it's legs and now it's hugging a guy inside of it it's getting it's legs back together okay Captain Kenwald misses trying to swing at it as it runs. Tom, you're up. I am also casting Fireball.

That's a 20. All right, that's a hit. What's Ken looking that up brought to you by? Oh, Ken looking that up brought to you by a plane oh uh ken uh looking that up brought to you by teeth chewing gritting smiling biting teeth i'll see the bear says don't forget to floss your teeth. Great. So you managed to I want that to be animated. Pop this guy. He takes some damage and he falls over.

He is now on the ground burning with this guy stuck inside of him. Tweer up. Who was the guy a random human student who we were trying to save his head is currently inside a bunch of

possessed looking muscle tissue screaming muffled you just hear it still hope okay but now he's on fire still hope. Okay. But now he's on fire. And it doesn't... I still hope.

He's not dead. Does it look like any part of this thing is the control center? Does it look like the head is in charge of this creature? It might be his head. You have no reason to believe that it wouldn't be the head. I'm going to... I'm going to get it. Thank you for asking, though.

I'm going to get it. Thank you for asking, though. I'm going to fly over to it with my sword, and I'm going to swing at it like a baseball. Try to take the head off, yeah. All right, that's a called shot, so we're going to up the number a little bit on the 20, so roll better than a 13 with your bonus. A 1? That's good.

Roll a 100, please. 81. 81. All right. Could be 19. Roll 3d4, won't you? 3d4 won't you 3d4 i got a 96 just to see 99 oh my god 3d4 you said mm-hmm two five eight two eight total or eight okay so you take eight points of damage as you swing

miss drop your sword and fall onto the burning pile i knew i shouldn't have tried to use who hasn't done that what are you doing using a weapon i'm just i'm i'm a little i'm a little preoccupied. I feel a little preoccupied with my horrible actions. I believe it says Meralda. Is the man inside the ribcage still screaming? Yes. Fantastic. I'm going to go ahead and try to attack the thing's head. Okay. I smart idea so i'm gonna also swing for the head and you should roll a one i'm gonna try not to

don't do that i did not roll a one but i also did not hit it okay i think that part of that now i get two attacks right yes correct yes so. I believe that at my level I now have two attacks. That time I did roll a one. Roll a 100, please. You're awesome. I hate this game. I rolled out of the way during the initiatives. No kidding.

You guys rolled a basic for initiative. Didn't this game used to be fun? Oh, jeez Louise. I'm kidding. You're thinking of Myst. Do you need tens? No, I just was thinking. Can your dungeon master provide some handy botched dice?

I can't do both at the same time. 26. All right, so you... Do a pirouette? It's not yours. It's 26 or eight. Oh, so you just kind of... Two tens, right? What? Hmm? Oh, never mind. Oh, so you just kind of... Two tens, right?

What? Hmm? Oh, never mind. Oh, sorry. Never mind. Go ahead. Mind your own botched business. I can't.

He meant percentage, right? Percentage I was rolling. Yeah, you're not rolling damage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just slip and you're fine, but you miss a turn. Was it graceful? No. You kind of skid on your heel and everyone sees you and they're like, oh, that was not what I expected.

Bodhi, now that you've watched two people botch trying to hit this thing, you gain a bit of insight. Okay. Potato land. Potato land. A perception check. Okay.

Fourteen. Yeah, so you notice this thing's probably dead and doesn't need to be attacked except for the fact that it's still grabbing this guy it's like in a death squeeze on fire so you feel like you don't need to keep

attacking it so much as you need to save this guy I'm gonna pull the guy out of there oh wait So you feel like you don't need to keep attacking so much as you need to save this guy. Okay, so I'm going to pull the guy out of there. Oh, wait. He's on fire. Use your super breath to blow it out. You know, your super breath.

All half works out. Oh. Stop, drop, and roll. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. thinking i'm just gonna pull him out and then uh deal with it strength check difficulty 12 yeah so you just yank him out in a big slurp and he's he's just uh he's still on fire he's he's lightly on fire but you can you can just pat him out out. There's no more combat happening at this point. Got him. What a mess, you guys. This guy took some damage?

Yeah, he definitely took some damage. Both from the beast and the... Blaine. Can you maybe heal this dude I just pulled out of fire? Yeah. Why don't you see if you can heal him, Blaine? What are we calling this thing, these creatures? Terribles.

Here, I'm going to roll to roll my sleeves up. Six. You just don't feel up to it. You feel very distracted, and the sight of the fire reminds you of a small child. Oh, that was just rolling up my sleeves. I was just getting started. Yeah, you failed rolling up your sleeves. This spell is not happening. I failed to get started.

And you feel just so distracted that you wish you could give this distraction to someone else. You feel like it's not fair that you're stuck having to deal with all this distraction. The world did this to you. I know, I know, I know. I'm sorry, you guys. I'm just a little upset. A little upset with myself. If only you could give this to someone else. Someone else deserves this more than you do.

Like a stranger in a ribcage? Yes. You look at this kid who you just saved, he looks like a stranger in a rib cage. Yes. You look at this kid who you just saved. He looks like a real asshole. He's kind of, he looks like he's annoyed with you for saving him. No. What the heck is happening?

Dan is turning Blaine into some, I mean, he's already a monster after the little kid. You feel like he didn't deserve the effort you put into it. The fact that you couldn't heal him is his fault. You know what, guys? I'm going to take a little walk.

Tweed's just going to take a... So you guys notice Tweed just turns around instead of healing this guy and just walks down the stairs. Well, we'll deal with that at some point. So you guys notice Tweed just turns around instead of healing this guy and just walks down the stairs. He's changed. Well, we'll deal with that at some point. So, sorry, yeah. Anybody else have a way of healing this kid?

Captain Kenwald says, yeah, he can go over and do some combat medic stuff on him. Okay. He heals him for two points points and the guy can stand. What's your name? My name's David. David, are you a student? Yeah, I'm a student. What do you mean, what's with the attitude? Who the fuck are you?

You saved your life, stupid. Bodhi. Yeah, you saved my life. Thanks, Bodhi. Great. You're welcome. My whole life fell apart. Thanks for saved my life. Thanks, Bodhi. Great. You're welcome. My whole life fell apart. Thanks for saving my life. How did your whole life fall apart? I mean, my girlfriend's a demon that just tried to eat me. You killed my girlfriend. That was your girlfriend?

Yeah, man. That's tough. I'm sorry. Yeah. Do you need a hug? hug it sucks i'll take a hug sure are you a student here huh are you a student yeah okay i go i go give him a hug like a like an awkward hug but just like a pat on the back kind of okay yeah you successfully hug him and nothing horrible happens how did your girlfriend turn what happened oh she went to some party and uh i came back to meet her when i heard what happened and uh do we know what building that's on my girlfriend turned it was on the other side of the college right yeah yeah yeah everybody turned there as far as i can tell man yeah do you have like the original invitation to the party or anything like that? Oh, she probably does.

I mean, you know. Where's her dorm? Oh, it's like she was like northwest of here. I mean, we have to walk a couple of blocks, but. Does anyone think that will be valuable in any way? Or should we just keep looking? It's. Did you see the invitation yeah do you know whose party it was it was like some outside group was putting it on they said they go to a lot of colleges and they help students who want to speak with the you know

the ether and like do you remember what the group was called commune with the astral plane. I don't know. It was some weird elvish word. I didn't like it at all. You didn't like it? No, I don't like all that elvish stuff. Do you know where they were going next? No. No.

I remember the brochure bragged that they go to a lot of mage schools. It's like a pub crawl. Sidebar to the dungeon after. Did each other schedule? No, just for this one. Do we know what other, like, are other schools have been, this has happened elsewhere, right?

So you've heard about mage schools having weird incidents, but it's been a little too word of mouth for you to know what's happening. You do have a couple of clues, however. The astral chart appears to be referencing geographical locations. It's in a language that none of you readily understand or have at least not put a lot of effort into understanding, but it's not in any of the languages you guys have naturally learned um but then you also have a map of several other uh you know like mage schools and you're not sure how that got put together if

the thane put that map together if the thane took that from the spy that he had imprisoned, but you have a list of other mage colleges on a map. But we don't know if they've already fallen or if this was the first in the... If you do a roll on the list of mage schools, I'll tell you if you know as an Eldritch Knight.

Gryffindor, Ravenclaw. Six? You recognize one of the names on the list as a school. Hufflepuff. No, it's not fucking. Hufflepuff is like one dorm in one school. All right? Like the Blades, the Eldritch Knights are like the Hufflepuffs of Roke.

Oh, okay. Okay. Now I get it. We're talking about like other Hogwarts. Are the Hufflepuffs the one where the kid drank so much he fell down the steps and then he died overnight and then they got sued? Yes.

That's what happened to Cedric Diggory. I can't believe they let those Hufflepuffs set up those books. All these words mean nothing. They just get spoiled over and over and over again if I ever choose to read them. You really should. That didn't happen. I know. I just recognized these words mean nothing. They just get spoiled over and over again if I ever choose to read them. That didn't happen. I know. I just recognized these words.

You don't have to read the books. You just watch the movies. The Ravenclaw guys had some hazing problems too, right? I think I would love them. I didn't like the last one too much because I feel like as they went on they got a little melodramatic like it felt like yeah they start to get darker darker in like a self-indulgent

kind of way but anyway speaking of that okay so um speaking of darker in a self-indulgent way yeah you recognize uh one of the the mage colleges as uh uh did, let me actually pull up the names. Slaughter. Barbizon. Clown. Dude school of trucking. No, Gostel. Gostel.

Yes. Okay. So the question is, is our mission to stop this from happening at other schools? And that's, what our mission to stop this from happening at other schools? And that's what's going to stop my feedback. I'm trying to figure out. They're spreading the word of the end times. They're trying to recruit people to help make the end come. But they're having these parties, and at the parties, people are getting turned into monsters, right?

Yeah. Are they helping? I mean, it seems like they're just right getting their muscles all over everything i get what you're asking so are are they here are these are they here or should we be going elsewhere to find these the the ones that are recruiting yeah i feel like that's why we should probably check out this big tower right okay okay right i mean the thing that appeared out of nowhere yeah the crumbled that just seems like that might be a central... David looks out the window

and says, oh, well, not that I feel too great about this, but my girlfriend's dorm is on the way to that horrible-looking tower. Oh. All right. Well, then, let's... What, you need a ride? You're not there. You're downstairs. You hear calling up the stairs.

Wait, you need a ride? Get a car, loser. Hey, can I do a lift bit? So yeah, do you guys want to go for it? Yeah, David, do you have anything in your rooms or your chambers that can help us, you know, spells, scrolls, like any weapons, anything we we can use right now um he starts racking his head and he's like oh yeah yeah yeah you know um i'm one of the blade students i'm one of the eldritch knights um you know i don't really oh he goes oh oh sweet yeah yeah what's up he gives you a high five he says um i don't really have anything cool but i think a lot of people

left we could try to steal some of the like the really cool eldritch knight equipment that's sort of the really cool Aldrich Knight equipment that the professors might have abandoned because I don't think the professors are here anymore we could go there too it's right by the mage tower though so maybe we should go to my girlfriend's dorm first does that sound good to everybody?

yes is that another Harry Potter thing? yes Captain Kenwald says I think this might be where we part ways Is that another Harry Potter thing? Jesus Christ. Captain Kenwald says, I think this might be where we part ways. I'd be willing to take this guy with the one leg off your hands. Everybody hear the slippers and the humming.

His road's just fucking those out. He says, yeah, but clearly he's no good to you. I think you're getting more into danger. I should probably try to save him and meet up with the rest of the guards. So I'm going to go inside the walls, but I'll spread word that we've got, you know, you guys, the guests of the Thane in Roke

still trying to make sense of what's happening. And if there's any guards I can send back in here to help, I will. Thank you. Be well, Carl. Good luck to you. Thanks, you guys uh and as he leaves captain kenwald kind of gives twee a side eye like he doesn't know what to make of him and uh that's you're reminded that kenwald heard the screams at one point and uh he moves on and leaves you guys. You guys, as you go outside, you immediately notice. Good night, Rose.

No, you're doing pliers? Is that what he said? He's doing some hardware work? I don't know. He's going to build a treehouse? Hey, I say to the scarab, the guy who has the scarab, I whisper to him, I like gesture to him, look at Tui. I gesture like, look at Tui with your. You look at Tui? With the scarab, I whisper to him I like gestured look at Twee I gestured like look at Twee

You look at Twee? Right now he's just swirling gray just like everybody else He seems to be acting strange What has he been through? He hurt the kid You don't remember that? No, I'm saying

Maybe the Dutch Master should remind everyone Bodhi and Twee have chosen not to share Right, I don't remember that? No, I'm saying Technically, okay, maybe the Dungeon Master should remind everyone. Bodhi and Tui have chosen not to share. Right, but I don't know that. They're the only two that know. So you don't know. Oh, okay. Oh. Yeah. You can say you shared if you want, but I think for storytelling purposes we should be clear.

Only Bodhi and Tui really know what happened. Yeah, he It was strange. He killed a kid. And it made... For fun? What? What?

It wasn't... No, he didn't do it for fun, but it felt like he knew it was a kid. To me. Do you make sure that David is out of your shots when you do this? Does it sound like he did? I didn't even think of that.

I would. I forgot he was there, actually. I'll say your character wouldn't. You would potentially wait for him to scout ahead. I think Bodhi's a little smarter than I am. What am I looking at? Maybe not.

I'll give that to you. I won't throw that mistake on your character. Bodhi's feeling really weird about it too. Right. Yeah, because it too. Right. Yeah, because it was messed up.

Yeah. It puts us in a very weird position. Yeah. I'll say, Tweet, you can tell what they're talking about. Yeah, I have those big ears. Yeah, he's got elf ears. So he's uh as they talk about it again you're like i don't deserve this was an honest mistake i don't deserve to have to i really thought that kid was gonna kill me

it's really kind of bumming me out i try to be good i try to be a good elf start that over we'll have to pay for it i don't know i'm just going through some heavy shit sorry guys um as david scouts around the corner you you see one of those tall 10-foot, tall Slenderman-type things. Is it a Jiffy Lube? You're right next to a dormant. It just kind of strides out of an alley right past you and completely ignores you and just starts walking towards the tower. Oh,

that's not dry. It's a tension. Oh, maybe they're all going to the tower. The new tower, the new tower. We'll meet them there. It's a beacon for freaks.

David kind of pees his pants a little bit and goes, Jesus, your pants. What? Really? Oh man. I didn really? Oh, man. I didn't wear jeans today either. These are khakis.

That's how I knew you peed in your pants. I know. What a terrible day. First, my girlfriend dies. Then she tries to kidnap me and drag me away. Then she gets set on fire while I'm stuck inside a rib cage. My little brother's missing. He was just...

Was it Stranger Things? Sneaking up on Blaine. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. And my little brother... Make an American man. Stole my balloons. Oh, hey, Blaine. Yeah?

Do a perception check. Sure, I'd love to. Hey, I have toes on my feet exactly yeah you feel nothing you all right well let's go you feel the the the bracing embrace of the abyss uh so you shoot we would have remembered to get the amulet off of carl right no sorry for whoever's amulet that was you put it on him i think i think it was ken's yeah what amulet you get extra hit points because he was worried about it he doesn't even remember it's because he barely survived that uh amputation you gave him i mean that shit you do have an extra amulet for what it's worth. Everyone grab one and you grab two. Yeah, mine is, one is I can cast hover once a day. Once water breathing, I believe.

Neither helps us at all. That's a lot. That's a lot of water. So we're going to the girlfriend's apartment. You guys get there without any trouble. You actually see another one of those giant guys stride past without making any acknowledgement towards whatsoever.

They're all going to the tower. Um, and he, uh, says, yeah, let's go upstairs. You head up.

Um, absolutely no problem. You find this woman's dorm and, yeah, you pull out a weird little invitation that she has just kind of wedged in a pile of books what does it say uh so it's it's in just elvish and david's like yeah see this is gross i hate this stuff um but we give him the side eye i guess yeah he's racist um But yeah, Tweet, you can tell that this looks like a pretty boring little fortune telling get together. This promises that everyone who goes to this meeting will gain new insight into the astral plane.

And also there will be fun games and alcohol. Sounds great. You need to wait. Also, you notice that there is a there's an open window in the dorm room. No.

Nope. Just kidding. Just kidding. Sorry. Edit point. Not cool. Just kidding. Sorry. Craft and humor. Edit point. Not cool. Not cool, guys.

Yeah, no, no. Hope's a Nazi. Plane started it. Okay. Yeah. Giant dick and an accomplished pianist. Giant penis. so we tell Blaine about the thing he doesn't know and now we're uh yeah uh back and we're back yeah so uh yeah you you read the invite it looks seems pretty normal seems pretty innocuous um it does seem like it's meant to

appeal to people who speak elvish or at least like it's got some weird is there a name for the group or anything did i hear that part or uh uh yeah it says the um is there anything about thetans zinzerinans no uh hang on while i look up this spreadsheet uh some sort of organization or um blame this uh this break brought to you by blue flimpton when you need to but you can't you'd like to ask your doctor he'll He'll know. Blah-flamped them. Large, unpredictable, affordable. Blah-flamped them. Syphax collude for shit. Look at that. You might have the other thing.

Blah-flamped them. It's all written down, too. So, yeah, it says the house... That's the weird part. The House of Thayen presents. Okay, House of Thayen. Is that the Tyler Perry thing? F-A-E-N-N.

Do we know anything about the Faean? Faean. Hmm. I don't know. Does anyone want to try a specific kind of wisdom or other such? I have Arcana. Do an Arcana check, won't you? Anyone who wants to know, do an Arcana check. I'm also going to do it. When you're done, I'm going to do a Tix Arcana. Do an Arcana check, won't you? Anyone who wants to know, do an Arcana check.

I'm also going to do it. When you're done, I'm going to do a Tex Arcana check. Six plus four. See how long it takes to get that beer all the way in Texas. Actually, wait. You're half elf. Do you know what your other kind of elf is? My kind of elf?

Yeah. What is your elven lineage derived from? Do you know? I don't. This is not something that we explored. Make some shit up. Make some shit up and we'll see where the roulette wheel lands. Well, that's going to take some time. So go ahead and

Anyone else want to do some kind of role? I'm going to try to comprehend languages. Okay. I don't know what I have to do for that. You're doing this on the invitation? languages. Okay. I don't know what I have to do for that. You're doing this on the invitation? Yes. Okay. So, let's see.

I'm going to have the page up here. I don't know where it is. Do you have it? Yeah, hang on. Oh, I turned right to it. First level divination. One second. Ken?

Yeah? Listen. Hey, Bodhi Kappa, are you a charger? My charger? Yeah, he's a charger. Okay. Thanks, man. I don't know what joke that was, but it was really, really sad. Oh, okay.

Ancient divides among the elven people result in three main subraces. I love the word subrace, but high elves, wood elves, and dark elves were commonly called drow. I guess between those three. Tui is a high elf. Yeah, I know you want me to be a drow, but it's not going to happen. I don't want you to be a drow. I feel like you're probably a half wood elf. You wanted somebody to be a lunar elf.

I tried to get somebody to be a lunar elf. Yeah, you think I'm probably a what? Probably a lunar elf. Yeah, you think I'm probably what? Probably a wood elf? Yeah, I think that's probably correct. I think that's the most common one, right? Yeah, and also if Blaine's already high elf, let's mix it up with some subraces. With that, you don't know, unfortunately, but let's see what he pulls

with his language business. So what am I learning from this? I'm just casting. Okay, you recognize this as a family house name of the Forgotten Realms and it is a drowish in nature. What do you know?

Funny, they don't look drowish. Alright, Mel Brooks. Lows and gains. I'm sitting flicking chickens and I'm looking through the pictures. Woof, they tape talking to us. Rodney Allen Rippey. There's something drowish going on.

I'll say. Okay. So what else is new? Not much. But what you going to do? We're going to continue on to the weird fungus tower, fungus tower, or at least approach it so we can get a better look.

Uh, David says, uh, I don't know if I want to go there. Um, I can, I can, I can take you to the building where they've maybe got some of the elder tonight

equipment. Oh yeah. Take us there. Yeah. Do some of that. Maybe help me bail after that. That would be kind of cool. We can point you in a direction.

Um, I will, I'll also say at this point, you recognize what building he's talking about and you don't necessarily need him to get there. Oh, okay. So should we kill him? At this point, I recognize what building you're talking about and I don't necessarily need you to get us there. Oh, dope.

Okay. Was he like in lower class? Savage. Yeah, he's actually not lower class. He's very wealthy and that's why he's kind of a dick. No, I meant he's like a lower classman, like a freshman or something because he seems kind of dumb. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's very young and dumb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Full of cum. I was going to try not to say that. God, I was hoping no one would say it. He does look like an 18-year-old Rod Stewart. That's what happens when the doctor hits Ken on the knee with a little rubber triangle hammer. He just goes, full of cum. He did his own reflexes to normal who's that lady I saw you with quick gulp he did his own little constitution check

and he decides that based on the fact that the demons seem to be ignoring you he's okay making a mad dash for the guard door without your help okay if you want to just part ways with this dude good luck to you

later and yeah he goes off and sprints. Does he make it? As far as you can tell, he makes it around a building. And you guys have just a little bit of a ways to go until you get to the tower. Well, first we're going to go to

see what... Ransack. But you get like one building away and you're close enough to the tower now where you can actually see a lot of its texture. It almost looks like, yeah, it's got texture. It is indeed kind of pulsating a little bit. The phosphorescence is very bright. It's almost like a giant flashbulb going off.

It's lit from within and it looks like a tree almost it's a little too smooth to be a tree but it's pale yellow and green and um you feel like if you could just get past this next building where the the armor and the weapons are that you might notice even more about it um but it looks like there's little things growing on it, like little flower blooms almost. Is it gross? Oh, yeah. Not especially. I mean, it almost just looks like it's fairy in nature.

Oh. So you're saying it's not gross. Not necessarily. Every word you said to describe it, including yellow and green, has sounded pretty gross. It almost is as if you're in an enchanted wood and there's a glowing fairy tree. That sounds lovely. Let's go

see what we can stock up on and then go chop down this fairy tree. What are you doing, Blaine? You're listening to KBMR Bubble Radio Third callers Go to see Meatloaf If you're looking for sad songs Maybe some Morrissey

Although he's problematic now Nah he just hates Pakistan We have that Patreon Yeah that's right Fuck Morrissey on Patreon. Boyfriend in a ribcage. That was an excellent reference. Or was it boyfriend in a ribcage?

I guess it was a boyfriend in a ribcage. But yeah, that was great. So you head inside. There's like a short chamber and and immediately you recognize this is, you know, like a waiting area when people needed to pick things up for class. But you know that there are like private storerooms for the professor down a short hallway. Are you guys cool with that, by the way?

I just thought it would be neat. Yeah, I like things. Weapon up. Everybody roll a stealth check, please. Oh. Bodhi, you get a plus zero. Tui, you get a plus

nine. Esmeralda, you get a plus two. And Tom, you get a plus four. I got a nine, so that's a 21. Beautiful. What did I need to get? I have 15. And I get nothing?

No bonus for you. All right, so now 13. You do not have a dex bonus as far as I know. You're just an 11. Or no, you went up one. Yeah, you do get a bonus now. Okay, then I made it What about you guys? I got a total of eight

I got a total of nine So as you all walk down the hallway You two actually turn and notice Through one of the open doors There is a guard A city guard Who you've never seen before And as soon as he sees you, he draws a sword.

Oh, hi. Hello there. We're friends. He says, halt. This is a private storeroom for the city. We are for the city. Isn't it part of the college or is the college? I'm claiming this for the city.

What's your name, sir? Daryl. Well, we've just left. This is my other brother, Dl we well we've just left my other brother daryl we've just left gurnhold what's his name guys kenwald kenwald yeah uh we were just here with captain kenwald uh we're scouting the area all right sent by the thing esmeralda please do a persuasion check difficulty 010. You get a plus two if I'm not mistaken. 12 plus two. He sheathes his sword and says, I'm just trying to hold down the fort.

I don't want any trouble. Good job. Keep at it. What are you doing here? We're here to save the city. So right now we're going to stock up on supplies that we might need. What are you taking? Whatever we need.

Can you please step out of the way? Do one more persuasion check. Difficulty eight. 17 plus two. He goes, Jesus. Okay. Okay.

I get it. And he walks down the hallway towards the front door and just starts pacing around. Okay, excellent. Cool. So you guys head to the back. If any of you need basic armor, I don't think you do. It's mostly just basic combat mail.

But you do notice, Esmeralalda there's a few cabinets that look familiar to you um and you realize they bear the insignia of a couple of professors and this is clearly like stuff that's been locked up for their for their use i'm getting a pencil ready cool right down there is there in particular is a series of four chests that all have different insignias on them and a locked door that's got the college insignia on it. Okay, let's definitely get that one open. Okay. Who's going to pick what?

I think one person can pick locks successfully, right? But anyone can try? Is that the deal? Yeah, I'll start with the college one. Anyone can try if you've got a lock pick or thieves tools, but the odds of you succeeding are not good if you don't have a good bonus for it.

I'll start with the big one. Great. Roll 20. 14. Click, click. It's open. What do I see? You see a whole lot of unlabeled potions. You see a row of daggers, and you see three stabs. Is this a row of daggers I see before me?

Take potion number nine. I love it. I start taking stuff. How much do you want to take? How much can I carry? You can carry five of these potions, one of the staves, and you can... Or you can take...

You can take... They're big daggers. You can take either two of the daggers and a staff or four daggers. I'm going to scare up the loot. I'm taking two daggers, five potionsgers and a staff. Or four daggers. I'm going to scarab the loot. I'm taking two daggers, five potions, and one staff. Just FYI.

Nobody else cares at all. I'm so excited. Well, no. You need gear the most. So it makes sense that you would go shopping. Hang on one second. I need to pull up the scarab chart for what you're looking at so um you notice there are uh ken there are orange swirls coming from the staff that she just grabbed.

You also noticed the other two staffs are glowing blue. All the daggers are glowing blue, and the potions are not glowing. Okay. I had this written down, but what was orange and stuff? Should I look it up? Do you remember uh you would you um i have it okay i would remember hmm um here's here's what you remember i have kind of notes of what i think you remember you can tell me if your notes disagree uh because your notes might

be more specific actually um i have you have seen an orange aura on the possessed slenderman people um and you have seen blue in a previous campaign on the armor of someone so i just had blue blessing but that was that no I had. I also have blue blessing, so you have unlocked the specificity of blue equals a blessing. Yeah, orange I believe is good. Yeah, but orange is the staff that you picked up. Right, and we don't know what it is. There's two blue ones if you want one of the blue ones.

Okay, I'll leave the orange one and take the blue one. I'll take the blue one too. Sounds good. So you're leaving the orange one and take the blue one. I'll take the blue one too. Sounds good. So you're leaving the orange staff. What if orange fights orange though? Oh my God. I didn't think of that. Okay.

Anything else? Yeah, there's still daggers and potions if anybody wants to grab them. You guys want anything? I'll grab a couple red potions. They're not red. What colors are they? They are all green.

All green. Are they all the same thing? We don't know. We don't know. They're unlabeled. Let's grab a couple too. I'm going to grab one of those blue daggers. Can I do that?

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Sweet. And then... I just realized I have an amulet that is unlabeled do I know you don't know we ran out of

I think you need to rest and then do an identify and then there's chests outside this room oh yeah there's the other three let's look at the other chests. What were you going to say? Crack them open. I was just going to ask about everybody,

the people who do have spells, do you guys need to rest or whatever before we go into some big fight situation or no? We could, but I have cantrips. Okay. So chests. Try and pop one open not much time

you lose a lockpick can I try using one of his I think I grabbed a bunch at some point though can I try using one of his yeah go for it what do I need use your dex bonus 19 plus 2 you pop one open What do I need? Use your dex bonus.

19 plus 2? You pop one open. Bing! Inside you see a robe and a sword. What is the robe made of? Huh? What is the robe made of and what color is it? It is blue velvet. Yes.

It's blue velvet. Yes. Oh, it's blue velvet. Can you look at the sword with your scare-bys? Yes. And the robe, I guess. They both have a green aura. Green? Green means we don't have green. The sword? You've seen green

on armor before, but you're not sure. Is there something unusual about the sword it's got a large uh green jewel in the hilt it's a short sword but yeah it's got a big old jewel and you recognize the crest on the chest as the transmutation uh professor interesting okay oh that we probably should have been checking for that, yeah. I just wrote trans professor for sure. The crest on the chest is a transmutation. Everybody do a dex check, please.

Eleven. Plus four. Nineteen. Twenty total. Fifteen. I had a 17 in my hand you just fall on your bum bum it's fine

but as he falls you three all look out the window and the ground is shaking again and there's something going on at the tower that's great you can tell from the sound that there's like a commotion outside not afraid

and that'll do I I believe, for this episode. Nice job. That'll do, pigs. That was episode five, everybody. Thanks for listening. Patreon, still follow us there. We've got some bonuses we're trying to get to, right? Yeah, we're really trying to push for 2,000.

If we get 2,000, we've got all these little fun things we want to do for you nerds. But I think we make it worth your while. The bonus episodes are always great. There have been some fun ones lately. Yeah, can't wait until we get Sarah in there. Yeah, you'll have fun. The one we just did with Greg Barrett was super funny and silly. We also did one with George Clooney and Sting

that was so good that we had to not air it. Oh, here, I'll just do this on the air. If you guys all wipe and die in Tomb of Annihilation, which I don't know if is necessarily going to happen, do you think you'd want to do another module or a Danger Rooms like we were doing for a while i like doing modules but when we're not doing these main yeah i was i was thinking maybe we could um you do uh barrier peaks next i don't know if you remember but blaine gave me uh oh right right barrier peaks as a gift last year and that's do you know that one sir second is that i think it's first edition oh

it's first edition but for, it's first edition. But for the last year, I've been working on translating it to fifth edition. Oh, cool. What a nerd. You're translating it? Translating is just a fancy way of saying I'm looking at one set of numbers and judging subjectively what they should turn into. That five should be a three and an eight.

Yeah, exactly. That's a fun way of translating. It requires no intelligence whatsoever, just a lot of opinions. Anybody got anything they want to plug? Just go buy some Mad Magazine subscriptions, you guys. It will have my name all over it in April, and I hope you like it.

And I've got live dates at brianposain.com. Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.