Nerd Poker - Episode 5 - Time Crimes

Episode Date: May 17, 2017

This episode our heroes meet a foe beyond any of them, a familiar annoyance, and one of the more mysterious properties of Amynna. Will they take control of their destinies or lose their faith? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's episode 5 of Brian Poussain's Nerd Poker. We're halfway through the initial 10 episodes that we recorded with out an engineer and with just one microphone. So again, your patience is appreciated. Over at Patreon, we're about to record our first couple of bonus episodes. We've got a special guest coming by my house tomorrow night to record. Can't wait to reveal who it is, who I was able to wrangle. I've got

some stand-up dates coming up. I'm in Phoenix, Arizona the 26th through the 28th of May at Stand Up Live. You'll probably also see me there at their Comic Con that weekend. I've got other dates coming up in Vermont, Pittsburgh, and Salt Lake City. Once again, so happy to be back i'm glad you guys are having fun listening and uh talk to you soon enjoy brian pesain's nerd poker hey it's brian pesain i used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly,

an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition, and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. Welcome to my house. I'm eating pizza.

It's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Your own name. Yeah. We're so comfortable now when we play. Hi, friends. Hi! Ken Dan Blaine. Ken Dan Blaine.

Dragon Clip. Dragon Clip. That's what we ended up with. The balcony is still being passed around from the last episode. Super slurry. Yeah, they've been drinking for a week. Oh my god, Wade's right. What happened last week?

When we last met our heroes... I forgot to mention, Casio's here. Hi, Casio. Jeez, Casio. Hey, Casio. Hey, Casio. Hi, Casio. Hi, Casio. Casio? Casio, are you okay? Oh, hi. Oh, God. There you are. Oh, my God, Casio.

Are you okay? Well, yeah. Sorry, you guys. I guess Casio's got to go. Alright. We'll play some Heroes Day. I'm going to do a little mouth-to-socket resuscitation

in the bathroom, if you know what I mean. And if you don't know what I mean, I'm going to do a little mouth to socket resuscitation in the bathroom, if you know what I mean. And if you don't know what I mean, I'm going to fuck this thing. Ladies and gentlemen, a socket can also refer to a rectum on the surface of the human body. It can also refer to the kiln of a human body. Hey, talking about anus. Hey, so our heroes just defeated a beholder. They discovered some very rare loot, except for Tom, who discovered some slightly rare loot.

We are now faced with an amalgam of noise echoing through the chambers of the Underdark. I'll say. It's like being in Sam Ash. What will our heroes choose to do? I will say that you notice Gago the Fairy, who you haven't seen in a while, flooded in the room. He's drunk and giggling

at your misfortune for bumping into this beholder. Oh, that guy. Yes, he told you about the underground city. Yeah, yeah. He goes, ha ha ha, you guys are fucked! What makes you say that?

You hear that noise? You know what's going on You're underground, bitch News coming A lot of people are coming People? Well, not humans, I mean, I don't think of people as humans I think more of like Generally sentient creatures And semi-sentient creatures

Alright of more like generally sentient creatures and semi-sentient creatures. Alright. He starts laughing. You're like, oh, fuck. I don't know what... Grab your pocket. Lekas is starting to ignore him. Do the military guys have a... I forget. There's a leader of this

little group, right? What was that guy's name? Lekas. Lekas. So how's he doing over there uh he thinks he looks really on edge he suggests that he's not more people are coming oh so we're talking he's like we should probably retrace our steps and get out of here all right let's check that out not for this point which way are they coming they're coming from deeper they're not coming from deeper yeah yeah coming from deeper Let's get up Let's backtrack Start backtracking towards the staircase

You took And the ground starts shaking a little bit Did it ever start quaking? Was your mind just shaking? No Yeah Ends up some ACDC With a little Seinfeld there

Hey man, that's why they call me Skrillex Jr. They do? And that's when Gago turns around and says That's good, it starts with an earthquake Burn slopes and airplanes Where's the mic? We'll be right back after we beat Dantel for the death Oh, it's been a long time.

I'm kidding. Gago starts laughing. By the way, he was great at the halftime special at the Super Bowl. But not with Metallica. Gago, the fairy, the black and evil fairy,

flies really fast up the tunnel and totally ditches you. Up the tunnel? Yeah. There's no grabbing him. He just bolts. And he's giggling the whole time. What a little flying dick. He's definitely a flying dick. And

the ground goes from shaking. It almost feels like it's rolling underneath you. Wow. Are we getting out of here? I thought we were. Yeah, let's head up. Let's book out then. Yeah, we're gone. You notice there's no more noise coming, echoing.

Not good. Not good. It's not good at all because... Let's flip. Because, like, as you're jogging up these stairs, it says, I think that we skip the first wave and second wave is skipping ahead towards us a little bit. You know what I'm saying?

No, but I'm running away from it. There's shit that runs up from the darkness and then there's shit that digs up from the darkness. Oh dear. Great. Great. Exit stage one. Comes or digs. Let's go. Great. Exit stage left.

Cums or digs? Let's go. Does cum digs follow you on Twitter? I thought cum digs follows everybody on Twitter. I better roll a 20. I think a 10. Oh, dear. 19.

8. What'd you get, Blaine? We're just going for no botch. How's 11? that's two botches double botch double eye both their legs disappear so you're right

you were out of the tunnel right before my dancer's sale you were gonna dance to some Timberlake but no more all the fucking weekends my legs my achy breaky legs yeah dick I'm gonna dance to some Timberlake, but no more. What happened to me? All the fucking weekends. My legs, my achy, breaky legs.

Yeah, Vic. The ceiling caves in behind you. Damn it. Yeah, I'm honest. You keep running, yeah? Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, fuck yeah. No, I run right into the cave-in.

Well... No, I run right into the cave-in. Well... No, I don't. You're starting to hear what sounds like a tweeting noise. Oh. Like a robin. That's cute. Running. But it's coming from underneath.

Yeah, getting away from it. Everybody roll a 20. Putting distance between myself and it. I don't know how, how much more I can explain. I want to get away from this. Deuce. 12.

So clear. This time, I'm going to take out the old sack. Oh my God. Oh my God. He's opening his pants. Actually, everybody,

um, open your pants. Actually, everybody... Open your pants. Everybody do a dex check. Dex check. Dex check. Dex check. Has been passed. Dex check.

You run past the ten soldiers. I got a 17, but my dexterity is 18. Plus two. You also run past the soldiers. Yes. Alright, you all make run past the soldiers. Yes. All right, you all make it past the soldiers. I always like that. You'll be glad you did in a second.

I heard you have a very high dexterity. I do. I have a very, very high dexterity. It's 18, but, I mean, it goes even beyond it, even for health. That's so many dicks. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. All right. Sorry, what was? What was? Sorry? So many dicks. That's pretty crazy. Sorry, what was... What was, sorry?

So many dicks. So the three of you get a real bad vibe. Oh, God, I got a real bad vibe, guys. Well, it actually comes directly from... I got the bad vibes that Booker and Betho want. I got the bad vibe about this. Bodie elbows both of you guys and goes, Hey, we really...

Like, remember how we needed to get the fuck out of here? We really need to get the extra fucking car. And Lekas stays close behind, as does the halfling and the elves. Unfortunately, the ground

rips open and you hear a very high pitched wailing kind of like metal screeching against metal tin foil kind of being dragged along a highway kind of noise. And the humans disappear.

Oh man. All six of those guys. It's dark behind you so you don't know if they're still running with you. My bearings, where are we? It's dark behind you, so you don't know if they're still running with you. Where are my bearings? Where are we? How far is it from the top? You're moving up.

You are on some sort of well-hewn stairs that are turning into rough-hewn stairs. And you're... I'm sprinting. Yeah, you're trying to get up. 30 feet. Everybody do another... Do another dex check please.

17 still clearly way ahead of it. Sweet. I'm pretty sure this is where Forrest got cashed in. Well

you guys get to a point where you feel like you're closer to the surface than an underground city. And everybody who's not human makes it with you. And you feel the rumbling dissipate. And you feel like you're no longer being tailed.

Do you guys slow down to catch your breath, or do you keep sprinting full force? I think we should keep going. Get out. One more dex check, please. 15. Good to go. Yeah, good.

Great. So you make two to surface. As does... How many of your pals? Ooh. Jesus, man. Charles Nelson Reilly net twitch there.

That's what I said when he took out the old sack. Alright, Lekas and all three of the elves lose their footing. And just by nature of them losing their footing, you don't know what happened to them right away. However, the halfling makes it to the surface with you, and you exit the cave. You're back in the forest.

What do you want to do? Where are those guys? They're lost behind us. How long? Oh, we think they got... You don't know. Is there some way of checking well you can wait you can try to go back down the tunnel it's very silent let's wait for a second they didn't help us yeah

oh i took out my sack all right all right so that went that went a little worse than I expected it to Um Not for you guys personally You guys made all your dex checks Which was fantastic Uh these guys rolled some shitty dex checks Sure Uh Lekas makes it out but he's like

I don't know what happened to those elves man I don't know But I started booking it. Oh, no, not the elves. They were next to me, and then they weren't next to me. Yep, that's... Lycus tells you he's pretty sure that was a worm of some kind. Yeah.

The kind that digs around old ruins and looks for just organic material to suck up. What was the other thing we were being chased by? He thinks there was just some sort of basic cave troglodytes or some kind of smaller inhuman kind of cave creatures that were defending the cave. Yeah, they

had overtaken the cave, but that a worm outpaced them. Not interested. Get away. Yeah, you guys actually made it out with a lot of loot, but you're back in the forest, and it still seems to be the middle of the night. You're not sure, but you feel like you were underground for like 10 hours,

and it doesn't seem like the day is broken the way it should have. Okay. That was one of those nights he looked thought it was like for the morning it was midnight it's like oh my god what's the plan time is it 25 or 64 like us says that today was a day a lot of people were gonna try to get out of Dodge they're gonna look for the next boat to land on the dock and leave. And he would feel great about just leaving. He was like, you know what?

I love that you guys found some shit down there, but I don't think this is a good place. I say, well, we know. Well, we got our heads on our shoulders. We look for a boat and we get the fuck out of here. What is the point of being here? Really? There is no point. Well, you guys are looking for money

and it looks like it all washed up. But I'm not, I want to save my skin. I don't like this place at all. We've seen this much. Yeah, you've seen that much. I'd like to save my skin and my organs. Let's at least go back

to the camp and then figure it out. Alright, you guys want to head back to camp? Shouldn't take you too long. I don't want to stay in the woods. We're crying out loud. Yeah, this isn't good being in the woods. Hey, we're stuck in the last one? I mean, at all. No sign of him.

Goo goo. Gago. Gago. Gago. No response. Gago. Gago. Gago. You guys are on the edge of the forest and you feel like if you squint hard enough and look into it you not only see the vertical shifting shadows that reminded you

of the giant pill bug monster you saw, but the little lit up sparkle dust. You feel like there's definitely a lot of magical creatures in the woods, but you don't have to cut through it to get back to the camp. You just have to head over a few hills and through some light brush. Yeah, good. So if you want to go back in the woods, or you can head straight to camp.

Do you care about Gago anymore? No. You just want to go back in the woods, or you can head straight to camp. Do you care about Gago anymore? No. You just want to go back to camp? We can come back and check back. I mean, you kind of just interrogated him to find out what was going on. He spilled some beans. I mean, you could look for him, but there's a whole community of fairies in the woods, you think. I feel like Ken made a point of, like, we've got to be here for some reason yeah we have an explorer we

haven't explored it enough and that doesn't matter what like is this doing we should kind of figure out yeah I don't want to wrap anything we're doing around these these well he's gonna head back to camp first well because he left some shit in his tent you I might at least pack up. Let's go back and heal up as best we can. Wait until whatever they call day around here breaks.

Get some slop. Yeah, and get away from these NPCs. You heard me. The NPCs. You head back and you get to a part of the beach that you haven't been to before. Rehoboth?

Rehoboth Beach is great. I played the Rusty Rudder there back in 89. Oh my god, I think it was me and Basil? Was it Basil? It might have been Nick Carmen. It was great. The hills kind of guided you north and so you're kind of on the beach Was it me and Basil? Was it Basil? It might have been Nick Carmen. Oh, it was great. Anyway. The hills kind of guided you north, and so you're kind of on the beach north of the encampment now.

So you're going to follow the beach back down towards the encampment? Yeah. Yeah. Cool. You head down, and you see the dock where you originally landed. What's up, doc? Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, my god.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. There's a human on the dock. A human on the dock? He is a fellow bard. There's a human on the dock. A human on the dock? He is a fellow bard. There's a human on the dock.

He's a fellow bard. Yes, he's dressed to the nines. And he says, good morrow adventurers. I come to make a pretty penny off of the many merchants. I'm not one of these bards.

Is this a Jerry character? Don't forget Jerry. I think you're fucked on the Pretty Penny. Pretty Penny. There's not much to be made of. Tell me, would you care for a song? We're good on songs right now. For Amelia.

We're pretty good. A small pittance. I will do a song and dance. Pretty good on songs and dances. Uh, there's not a lot of... Where do you come from, by the way? Oh, I come from the land of Darth Haven. Did you just get off a boat?

I did! My fellows should be deboarding as well, very shortly. I believe the boat is at the end of the dock. You can't see it through the mist, but it's probably right there. Who the fuck is with this guy? Alright, well, have you ever been here before? No, I've just landed. I'm quite excited.

It's not the best place at the moment. A lot of people are talking about leaving. Ha! And there's not very many merchants. Cowards! Well, yeah, there's a lot of weird gentrification. There's like shops moving in and they're building condos that nobody can afford

and it's driving out local business. I'm not afraid. I got a hot tip. There's quite a lot of money to be made here. Sure. It's like when Haight Street got that baby gap, remember? Oh, man. And then you know what You couldn't You couldn't get in it

He hits you up For a song again What do you want to do You want to ignore him And go back towards the camera Or Keep talking to this guy You got story songs

You got any kind of story I do have story songs I like story songs I'd like to hear one I come from the land Of Don't Haven With none but a boot to my foot. I walk through the hills

and I walk through the forest. Do you have a certain name? No. Thank you for interrupting me before I had to rhyme. He sings about just being merry and adventure and inspiring.

Just really, really generic shit, but with immense confidence. We don't need a bar. and adventure and inspiring just really really generic shit but with immense confidence we don't need a bard very well see what you do see you have one amongst you

with a weird lute with wolves on it little emo for me but whatever he barely sings though he just sort of plays his friend what What's your name, fellow? They call me

Twee, but that's only because that's my name. Alright, well, my name is Horo. All that dead air, everybody, that was Blaine sort of making a face and then waning it. He's prepping the character.

I just couldn't remember where the mic was. That's Tween. Good to meet you, Tween. I'm Horo. Goodbye. Horo. Horo, where do you come from? I come from the land of Dothhaven. Would you like to hear a song of my hometown? Oh, God. Is this a short song? Where are the rest of Dock Haven. Would you like to hear a song of my hometown?

It's a short song. Where are the rest of your friends? I don't know. They'll be getting off the boat at any moment, I'm sure. You sure about that? You want me to check? They might have ditched you. Very well, I shall go check. He walks up the dock. Like this kind of

grimaces. You don't like that guy? I have a real weird vibe about that guy. Yes, are we? Everybody roll a wisdom check. All right. Do it, do it. Yep.

I botched. Ha ha. You'll lose half your brain. Does that mean, hey, if I rolled a one on a wisdom check, I botched. Haha. Botched. You'll lose half your brain. Does that mean, hey, if I rolled a one on a wisdom check, does that mean that I completely know exactly what's going on? Yeah. You're the wisest. No, you all actually, again, perhaps because of his danger sense,

Bodhi kind of... Is my bard sense tingling with hell's good but Bodhi Bodhi reaffirms what you're both thinking and there's a weird vibe from that guy you just talked to you yeah I agree like sir magic vibe coming off of them no not okay that he's not a threat other Is there an evil vibe to that? Other than the weird energy and the positivity? There's like a supernaturally tragic vibe. Oh, okay. Supernaturally tragic.

Supernaturally tragic. It's like the Wolf Band. Well, maybe he might. He was real funny. What did he come here for? He said he came here to make money. Well, what? Yeah.

Oh, what has he got to sell? Music. He's just a bard. Oh, just a... Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah like any of us um uh well we don't i mean hey you find your friends yet what's that you hear him call from the mist he's obscured but he's there no god the obscurity I don't see a boat! No boat, huh? No boat, no friends. We should probably eat again.

Leave this guy alone. Do you guys have some food in your sacks? Enjoy the mist. We'll see you around. I'm going to get out of the Publix. But is there anybody... He runs out of the mist. What's his name, this guy? Hmm?

There was somebody earlier That had food right Yeah well you bought some for your packs Earlier in the encampment You loaded up with a lot And you're good for at least a week Okay So you can feed yourselves Set up a new camp if you like

You packed up some tents that you bought So you're good Do you want tents that you bought at the camp, so you're good. Do you want to head back out to the camp? Yes. Yeah, let's do it. You head up the beach over the little mini cliff that is often at most beaches. You have a real hard time getting your bearings.

Oh. How so? Is it Get lost in the mist Burings Roll your wisdom again Where's Lekas? Lekas is with you and you hear him say

The fuck? I'm good Well I thought we saw the doc Where were we in relation When we Lekas runs we saw the doc. Where were we in relation when we... Lekas runs back to the doc.

Okay. He doesn't talk to you at all. He just turns right around and runs back. All right. What was it? Wisdom? I'm wisdom. Yeah, I'm over.

You're over? Okay. I'm fine. All right. You guys are kind of relying on Brian for this one. It is a danger since I'm giving him a little bit of a trigger roll with this. But, yeah, so you guys just see Lekas turn around. If I can go.

Poro is sticking with you guys. You kind of as an unwelcome... Let's follow Lekas. Alright. Lekas runs back to you. Okay. Says, that's the dock I came from. My boat landed on that dock.

Well, that's the one we came from then originally, yeah. That's the dock you guys came from, right? Yeah. Camp should be right there. And the camp's all gone. The camp's gone. But who was

left when we left? There was like, there was like a lot of people left. Oh. I think we

should go look at what used to be the camp. All right, let's go check it out. That's funny.

So you go, uh, walk over to the camp street. It's this, it's radio personality

Tom Lekas. Lekas! That's weird not Lekas. Lekas! That's weird. Lekas, you son of a bitch! I just keep thinking it's radio personality. Oh, really? You head back to the camp, and you notice the layout is generally the same in that it's a largely flat area, but there's brush that wasn't there before.

What? No tents, no signs of campfires. We went into a time vortex underground or something. You notice Horo, the bard that's with you, is wearing... The base of his costume is green. Is he the guy that was the guy that cut his hair again went mad then he started earlier is he is he does he seem to be does this guy look familiar does he look familiar does he look like that guy now does he look dirty like pre?

Pre weird guy we met or post weird guy we met he looks pre All right, we're a weird. We're in a weird time slip area. Yeah, you kind of hit us. Yeah Hey, let's get on that boat And maybe get out of here. Yeah, is there a boat? I went to the end of the dock and there was no boat. My boat was gone. He's so great with voice. He's starting to sound

like Rob Schneider a little bit. Oof. Lekas doesn't understand what you just said. I think time went backwards when we were underground. The fuck are you talking about?

Maybe the woods just as creepy as... This is the guy that went crazy. Lekas knows the guy fuck are you talking about? Maybe the woods. This is the guy who went crazy. Beckett knows the guy who went crazy, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, that fucking guy. This is him. Oh,

fuck. Before he went crazy. It's him again. Oh, fuck. Are we like fucking with

shit talking to him? Do we need to like, not talk to him? Are we like fucking shit

up like talking to a dude we met like later? Maybe. Do we need to like leave Are we like fucking shit up? Like talking to a dude we met like later? Maybe. Do we need to like leave before we show up? I don't want to kill him. Should we tell him not to go to the woods that guy? Yeah.

Or? Or I just. What would you like to say to me? Don't go to the woods. Doesn't end well. Very well I have no interest. Also. Also.

Don't do any more shows. They don't end well very well I had no interest also also don't do any more shows they don't end well either oh alright sounds like a deal um Horo begins setting up camp he's got like a backpack and he's like

he's got he's got a little little tent little table he wants to set up he's kind of bragging about it talking about how you guys might not be that interested in his songs, but he's got a little

stage he can make. If we went back in time, wouldn't everybody be back here again? Or, Lekas confirms that Horo was one of the first, if not the first person here. And when he got here,

when Lekas got here Horo was already like a jaded dude before he went into the Is that what's driving people crazy here? Is there being, they're in like a weird groundhog island situation? Maybe. You get the sense

from Lekas that he is profoundly uncomfortable with this revelation in a way that might drive a person crazy. Well, here's the other thing, too. If we waited for ourselves, we would get here. Probably. Man.

We shouldn't touch ourselves. Ah. Dude, I could jerk myself off. Wait, I could be the NRA. If I could jerk myself off, I'd never leave the house. Wait a minute. We can talk about it.

I can't believe the island. Let me see. You look good. Lekas turns to Bodhi and says, I think if I showed up, I'd kill myself, right? Not like me, but the other one. You'd kill your other you too, right? I think if I showed up, I'd kill myself, right? Not like me, but the other one. You'd kill your other you too, right? I think so.

This reminds me of a... I think it was a Spanish movie. Hey, son. What? Up. No. Up. Yeah.

I'm thinking we kill this guy. You're not talking about me, right? Horo? This other guy. Horo? Kill Horo? Why are we killing anybody? We gotta meet him later.

What if we kill Horo, and then we don't remember meeting Horo? Then we don't exist anymore. You guys huddle away from Horo, by the way. You realize he's like... We're just like... You don't want him to be a part of this conversation. Let's fight Doc Brown. The four of you kind of scoot off towards the brush a little bit.

So he can set up his little tent. Yeah, he'd go crazy, Horo. Gotta get back in time. Lekas seems really stressed out. He says, alright, here's what I think. We gotta get the fuck out of here. Like, now. What if we wait for a boat to show up?

Right. You get it, man. This guy gets it. We go to the edge of the pier and we just stare out into the water. Nobody shows up until we see a boat. And if we see a boat, we run up that plank

as fast as a motherfucker. We just get on that fucking boat. If someone's getting off that boat, like the one person who gets off that boat, we don't give a fuck. We crawl over them, we get on that goddamn boat before it pulls over. I'm with Lekas.

That seems like a good plan. Sure. It's extreme. So, uh, how do you want to say, do you want to acknowledge Horo at all while he sets up? Do you want to give him

any parting words? No, no. No, enjoy, hey. Enjoy the island. Good luck with your singing. Very well. Looking forward to it. Quite a many songs to sing and many adventures to be had.

Just stay out of the woods. Very well. So you head back to the pier, and sure enough, you see a boat. Son of a beastie. Coming through the mist. Okay. Waiting for the boat. All right. Head to the edge of the pier

boat pulls up and uh it extends a bridge cage goes in the water Lekas sprints up the bridge uh huh uh should we follow him? mhm

alright um Should we follow him? Alright Alright Let's take a break Okay And we're back Time Crimes was the movie That Bodhi was talking about That's Spanish

He just caught that shit on Netflix I was pronounced Tim Ekremes. So what's up the boat? A bunch of dwarves. Uh-huh. Boss. They're very nervous

about the four of you getting on the boat. Particularly the fact that none of you are exactly races that are compatible with dwarves. Guys, listen. This place is weird. Yeah. You don't want to get off the boat. Yeah, we're trying to get off because we were abandoned here. And it's really weird

There's some sort of time loop going on I know we've had our differences They all draw their axes Crazy haunted forest Crazy Crazy haunted forest Crazy haunted forest It's crazy

Look Uh me and uh forest. It's crazy in there. Me and Tom here, we don't want to start throwing you guys off the side of your boat and just take your boat. Seriously, we don't. We don't want to do that. So let's

try to... We're trying to help you guys. Yeah, let's just turn around. You made a mistake coming here. Go to any other island. So there's like ten dwarves who've all got their axes out and they're real nervous about everything you're saying.

One of them nods to another one and he goes below deck and the one that stayed of the two says we're bringing the captain up to speak to you. We get it. They don't put away their axes. The captain comes up and he says,

I hear tell that this is some sort of haunted island. Something is wrong with this island. We've had a lot of problems here. Look, I'm the last guy to believe in weird shit. But there's something extremely weird about this island. Trust us, we've

killed a... You heard of a Beyonder? No! Yeah, it's fucked up. Married to... Are you talking about a beholder? Whatever. He understands...

Do you relay most of your story to him? Yeah, yeah. Our time is going backwards. Yeah, he strokes his beard. I meant Beholder. He seems... He understands more metal. It does, actually.

Sounds... It's a Marvel villain, right? Yeah, I think so, yeah. He... He seems a little lost about the whole time... The time period fucked us up, too. Kind of... Hey, dwarves like whiskey, right?

They love whiskey. Yeah, we should have some. He immediately changed his attitude when you offered him the whiskey. He said, All right, I was of two minds. One, I wanted you off my boat immediately. The other, we were already skeptical of this land. I'll tell you what. That whiskey is reason enough to not throw you off of my boat.

But we agree. This was a dangerous venture already. And we don't like any sort of mist or obscuring of our vision when we sail. This does seem like a magical place. Yeah, and we didn't even tell you about this fairy, Gago. He was a real asshole. He spits on the ground at the mention of a fairy. Clearly this is not a clan that enjoys fairies.

You really wouldn't like this guy. You really wouldn't like this guy. He high-fives Tom when he hears about torturing a fairy. Nothing against fairies, he says, but they and our kind do not get along. And he tells the crew,

let's prepare to disembark. Get out of here. Where is the nearest island? Do we, uh... Where did you guys come from? Uh, we came from, uh... And why? Uh...

We came from a land called Dermoth. And... Dylan McDermoth? That's not where Dipshit came from. No, he came from Darth Haven. So he says, you know,

we'll figure out how to pay your way and all that when we get back to Dermoth. It's expensive to travel. We did spend a lot of money. we were very reluctant to leave immediately but we don't play with magic

we are not a magic people we are an earthen people and coming above ground is enough and we're not a seafaring people this is all this all put us on edge already you picked the right boat why did you come here in the first place we heard there was adventure to be had

we heard this was a new land where there were a lot of merchants, but we could tell as we pulled ashore there was no greeting party and we were immediately suspicious. Good. We don't know if people are dying or disappearing. You were wise. You were as wise as you were short.

Yeah. That's pretty wise. So. Set sail. That's pretty wise. So, set sail. What do you guys want to do? You want to talk about where you're going to bunk up?

Yeah, where we could head. Now, are we heading out of this entire continent? Where did the dwarves come from? He says Durness is mostly desert land, but, you know, the caves leading to the... Keep selling.

The caves leading to their city are near the beach. Oh. Beachfront caves. It's about a five days sail. Sure. Out here, it should only take five days back. Mmm. You guys get a weird vibe again.

Oh, great. These vibes keep getting weird. I know you guys are doing a lot of wisdom checks, but you're in a very strange place. Would you be so kind as to... I'm okay. Yes. You recognize Dermoth as a continent far south of where you guys are from.

To sail back to your continent would probably take a few more days. So you can either call in a favor or head back to Dermoth. I'll head to Dermoth. It's over. Okay, so you don't recognize Dermoth, but they clue you in. Dermoth is a continent to the south of where you're all from. Oh, I'm not sure. Okay.

So what do you want to do? Do you want to try to barter your way north? Yeah. Not go to Dermoth? You want to go back where we came from? Yeah. Now, go to Nermeth. You want to go back where we came from? Sure.

As you guys are talking, a storm brews very quickly. And the captain suggests

you continue to speak below deck. So you just head down. But as you're heading down... How far out from this island are we at this point?

Not very far. Get back in. Get back in. Well, why? Because... You know, because... The captain's name is Sergic. How great. Sergic how crazy

Sergic he's a rather crazy guy he has a stress drunk but no Sergic is very friendly and he says I don't know what you are mumbling amongst yourselves but I agree this is

not this we did not come through a storm to get here. This is not a wind we would expect to blow. Let's open a dimensional doorway and get out of here. You start hearing cries above deck. Great

above deck cries. Boat starts shaking violently back and forth you guys reacted all of this it's just noise right it's kind of like seashore

I love it it's totally the same like fucked up ambient shit that I would like at this point so it's delightful to me by the way yeah if you're listening to this at home that is not like a fucked up part of the audio file that is Blaine leaning on creepy-ass

keys on the Casio. Yeah, but it's a Seashore patch. Alright. But yeah, what do you guys want to do? Sergic is already thinking, like, he might want to interrupt this conversation and head above deck to see what's happening. Yeah, what's going on up top. He's like, alright, join me this conversation and head above deck to see what's happening. Yeah, what's going on up top.

He's like, all right, join me. We'll head above deck. And when you guys head up there, it's like a completely different seascape than it was when you went down. It's rough. It's an ice storm. Oh, wow. Whoa. There's heavy sleet coming down. Not quite hail.

It feels more like... Kid dies in down not quite hail it feels more like a kid dies in a car accident it feels more needly than hail very sharp little pellets of ice are hitting you a bunch of parents fuck each other

heavy wind so creepy it's a gateway to a lot of great actors Sergek looks to the four of you and says do any of you

have experience with seafaring my people are at a loss. This is not what we were hoping to deal with. Well, I worked at a Red Lobster one summer. Like I said, I'm kidding. Like I suggest you guys head back to the dock immediately. Can we?

Yeah, I'm all about it. He's actually kind of afraidy pants. You're starting to realize where like he he's not afraid of combat, but he of afraidy pants. You're starting to realize where like he he's not afraid of combat but he is afraid of magic. That's the vibe you're getting from Lex. Then why are we going back to the magic? He told us to get out of this boat.

He feels like the ship is taking you towards some sort of evil magic. Alright, turn around. Based on what? He's afraid of magic. He thinks a magic thing is happening and he's going chicken on you. I don't know. Is there another reason to think that?

Well, do any of you guys have seafaring backgrounds? No. No. I don't know if I ship seafaring wise. So I paid to go on a boat. I have gauntlets of ogre power. Seat going ogre power See you going ogre power I have a dragon clip in my pocket Alright well Sergic

Nods towards Lekas And he tells the crew to begin navigating Back towards the dock He apologizes Man I get that Everything's bad Sergic doesn't like being on there either He apologizes. Man, I get it bad. Everything's bad. Being on that island. Yeah.

Serge doesn't like being on there either. The water was very good either, though, apparently. Yeah. But I didn't get a bad vibe on the water. Did I? In the ice storm? Yeah, there's definitely a weird... You all got a weird vibe from how fast the storm happened.

So if we head away from the storm, are we heading away from the storm or is it following us? You guys were bearing southeast when you left the dock. And the storm happened relatively quickly. You guys think you're only a few hundred yards away from the dock. What the fuck? And the storm started. Weird. It's like the forbidden zone.

All right, let's head back. All's like we're forbidden to go. Alright, let's head back. Alright, we head back. The storm leaves uncomfortably quickly.

Get back to the dock. Get out of the storm zone. That's weird. Yeah, it is. It's like we're not supposed to

leave this fucking island. Yes. The crew is very stressed out. The boat sustained serious damage in the storm. Totally get it. They're all working on the boat,

but Sardjic says he would actually like to leave his crew and come with you on shore to inspect what's happening. All right. Hearing your story, he's curious. The time thing went from confusing him to intriguing him. Yeah, let's try to show him some things that have changed with the time. Okay, yeah, let's go see.

Try to let him know firsthand what happened. What the fuck? Nara or whatever his name is. Hora? Nabiko? So you guys, you're going to head up the dock over the hill, back to the camp. You go up and it's different again.

Oh, fuck. This time, it looks like there used to be a camp here. Jesus Christ. But now it's gone. So the boat goes ahead in time. Underground goes backward in time. Maybe. I don't know.

Not a bad guess. This is like the final countdown with the Nimitz. Remember this from the Philadelphia experiment? Yeah, where we're going to go back in time. Every time I hear the final countdown, I think of Joe Bluth on Arrested Development

and all his magic tricks. He would play that song. Right, right, right. Cracks me. I just think of a shitty magic trick with that blaring at like 200 decibels. We're having for Venus. Lekas looks extra stressed out.

Again, you guys guessed that maybe this sort of thing would make you go crazy and he looks like he's twitchy now uh there's no sign of any people no sign of horo there's there's tents uh standing that look empty the wind is blowing through them there's tents have been taken down you can see that there's stake marks where they were gone. And you start hearing a clacking noise.

Clacking noise? Yes. Coming from the direction of the cave, the forest, to the northwest. Clacking, eh? Clackers? Yeah. Okay.

I don't like it. Sounds like stone on stone. Don't like it. Sounds like stone on stone. Don't like it. Stone on stone. But the mist is too heavy, you can't really... Terrible. It's terrible.

It's all terrible. Yeah, it's terrible. Lekas takes out his flask. He's a heavy drink. Empties his flask. Throws his flask, takes a heavy drink, empties his flask, throws his flask aside. Do not go in the woods. Unsheathes his sword and says, I'm going in. Don't go in there.

It's a bad place. Yeah. Let's try to get a sword from him. Yeah, grab him. Uh, wow. All right. You're going to try and hold him back? Yeah.

Yeah. Uh. And disarm it really maybe tie him up all right but that's in the future why don't you just do a quick little uh well we both do it together all right 10 19 that'll do it so yeah you hold him but he's cursing he's like all I wanna do

is fight this fucking thing that's coming at us I wanna be there first sure sure we get it we don't know

what it is though so um a couple of turns go by you manage to hold him down and he's

stressed but he's like he gets what you're doing and he starts to relent and but Sergic, the captain, says is it are we about to fight something? Is something coming towards

us? I wish I could tell you. Seems that way. We really don't know. We there are definitely dangerous things on here but I'm more weirded out about the time the time yeah all right so you hang on for a bit and then let's so where's the war oh I wonder maybe this one as far as you can tell he headed to the woods of the other fairies like yeah he's he's gonna be

hard to relocate this is also way ahead in time, I'm thinking. Oh, yeah. He's probably already killed himself. Yeah, oh, he's already died. I'm guessing. Well, yeah, exactly. So you get the sense you were, and the clacking noise, by the way, it feels like something is definitely approaching through the mist

great approaching through the mist why don't you guys discuss Lekas says yeah if he had to guess when Horo came here it was maybe two weeks earlier

when we went underground and who knows how long it's been since we left with what's happening now. Not me. I do not know. What's going on with the clacking? Getting closer? Seeing anything? Up through the mist.

You see something. See long legs. Long, tall legs. Almost a story high with a human sized form at the top of it and a long face and you can't quite make it out yet

but it's not a creature you've seen before what the fuck skinny legs right now it's about 100 yards away. I'm drawing my bow. Alright. Okay. Three.

Plus... Do I get a magic vibe off of this thing? Plus proficiency with bows. You do not get a magic vibe. Do my leather braces of archery help me? Number three.

Actually, yes. They do. Sorry, shoot? Yeah, you gonna attack this fucker? Do it. Six. Alright. It's heavily obscured.

You don't hit it, but it stops. Okay. You can see your air go through the mist and cut some thin air through the thickness, and the shape stops, and you can tell its head sort of levels towards you. It's looking bad. It's looking mad. It's frozen now.

Okay, that's good. I guess I stopped it. What are you guys going to do? I stopped the thing. Run at it and take out its fucking legs. Oh dear. Great. Great.

Ten plus two is twelve. Great. 10 plus 2 is 12 great or is it a dex or strength it's attack yeah it's strength so you run it

it's 100 yards away it's going to take you another turn but we'll we'll say you get to it, because when it freezes, it seems confused. You get closer, and it is some sort of weird deer creature. Oh.

Oh, okay. And it looks like a deer, but it's got a long snout and long legs. No antlers. It seems spooky. It seems black and white. Spooky the deer. It seems colorless, some sort of gray fur, big empty black eyes. You still want to swing this thing no yeah really do you know what it is no do it do it do it i'm trying to yeah i'm trying to figure out what to what to do here

do what kill it now i'm just trying to try to think now i feel like it's just a weird creature, but I don't know if it's a... Black eyes? Oh, yeah. Is it a... Like a doll's eyes? Do you stop? Is it like stop and make this like a Wendigo? You're 100% correct.

Did you ever see the TV show Hannibal? No. All right. Is this like a Wendigo? You get a weird Wendigo. Yeah, that's a fucking... Not good. That's an X-Men thing, too. You get a weird Wendigo. Yeah, that's not good.

That's an excellent thing, too. You feel like even though its eyes have no direction, it is staring at you. Oh, okay, yeah. So, no, I try to take it out just by sweeping its legs with my great sword. Well, before you can get to it, its very long legs make a quick retreat. It goes... Off into the mist. you can get to it. It's very long legs make a quick retreat. Off into the mist. Yuck. That was not cool.

Fuck you! As you yell fuck you, you hear and then you hear layered on top of that and layered on top of that. Okay. Coming back. How much time do we have? That's the sound of one of Brian's

care all three of these. You've got a little bit of time. You've got enough time for something interesting to happen. That's for sure. Do you stand your ground? What do you do? What do you do? What do you tell the guys who are 50 yards behind you?

There's three of these. There's at least three of these assholes. Help. I'm going to fire at them as soon as I get a chance. I'm going to take the leader. The first one. Whoever's closest.

Great. So three of these things emerge from, and they look like they're sprinting long fucking legs just reach and pound and something very strange happens they seem to shrink as they come towards you they're like 20, 30 feet tall and suddenly

they're like 10, 15 suddenly they're like 10, 15. Suddenly they're 5. And then it's really awkward, but they get up on two legs, and they start walking towards you. They're about 5 feet tall now. You're taller than all three of them. Okay.

And instead of running, they're about 20 yards in front of you. They're just walking towards you. Okay. What do you do? I kill them. Okay. And instead of running, they're about 20 yards in front of you. They're just walking towards you. Okay. What do you do? I kill them. Roll to attack! They're fucking creepy. I hate them. 10 plus

2. They put up no fight. Is this like a... Is this some sort of image they're projecting? As you swing your sword, you cut through all three of them. And they collapse to the ground. Just piles

of meat. Yuck. Their skin peels off. And they just sort of roll around on the ground, bright red and pink and glistening. What the fuck is this? In six pieces. What's the fun?

Hey, there's something gross here. Are you guys here yet? Gross as shit. Do you guys approach what's happening, or what do you do? I don't know. Do you let him stay ahead of you? Yeah, he can walk away from where she was. Legas heads up to you.

Legas is trying to see if you want to run back or... No, but I'll show him what's going on. Legas doesn't like... What are you seeing? No, it's awful. He pokes it with a hammer. It kind of rolls around. It's actively rolling around, these six halves of

unpeeled meat. Rolling around and bleeding all over the place. I stab one into the ground. Just plant it and win it. Great, you nail it down. It starts writhing around your sword, just kind of

on the ground, like, flopping, flopping, flopping. And slowly it becomes the back half of a deer a normal deer just just the back half of a normal deer the other five pieces of meat continue to flop and writhe on the ground weird you could stab them all they Make up deer pieces. Okay, yeah. Lichus follows, and he starts smashing it. And before you know it, you've got the remains of three normal-looking deer.

Weird. On the ground in front of you. I don't like him. Slump it, BX. I don't like him at all. You start hearing more noises. This time it's coming from the air. Is it clacking? Nope.

What the fuck was that? The fuck, Ken? Ken, I hate you. What the fuck was that? I was like, what are you doing? Where's your phone? How'd you even do that? Oh, okay.

You hear very loud woof, woof noises. Yeah. From above. A woof from above? Well, it's like a whooshing noise. Okay. Sounds like there's something flying above you guys. And Lekas goes, oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckcus goes, oh fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Can you see it? Uh, there's something circling. It's vulture-like circling you now. I'm fired as soon as I can see it. Yeah, you see a dark shape, it's large. Twelve. Great, let me check the bonus on the braces.

Plus, uh, proficiency with bows plus 2 damage. Yeah, so it breaks from its pattern, you hit it, and it starts diving towards you, and you see a very large bat. Oh, I like bats, I don't want to hear a bat. But 6 points., I like bats. I don't like your bat. But six points. If I get it. Yeah. Yeah.

And if you get it right in the throat, what do you guys want to do? Take it down. Take it down to Chinatown. I don't know if it comes by me. I think this might be a good time to take a break. Oh, yeah? An epic call it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah time to take a break. Oh, yeah? An epic call it. Call it a break.

Cool. Well, next week I'll slice this bat from its belly to its balls. Hooray. Thanks for listening. We still don't know when this is airing, so once we start getting on a real schedule, this would be the time that we, know blaine and i would mention what shows we've got going on uh and that kind of thing uh but uh i'm gonna be uh nancy lopez and i are signing our uh lpga calendar at

book soup uh uh this thursday i don't't know when this is going to be broadcast, but this Thursday, me and Nancy Lopez, we're going to come on by and listen to some fuzzy Zeller stories. The guy's crazy. He's crazy. I saw him destroy a rental car. He didn't care. Wrote the dude a check. It was nuts.

Then he almost lit a Macy's on fire. It's crazy. Come out and book Sue. Me and Nancy Lopez this Thursday. It's the last time we'll be appearing live and no one will ever have a written record of it. So please come down and check out me and Nancy Lopez telling Fuzzy Zeller stories.

The dude is a maniac. A maniac. Where can people follow us? Look at us on social media. We're. The dude is a maniac. Jesus. A maniac. Where can people follow us? Look at us on social media. We're NerdPokerPod on Twitter. We're NerdPoker on Instagram. We're NerdPoker on Facebook. I'm hoping I'm working on a little four or five minute set

trying to get on late night TV about the old cancer jokes. Oh. So, from around LA, look for me to do that ah. So, uh, go around L.A., look for me to do that shit. Still trying to do stand-up while I'm doing all that other shit, and, uh, and, yeah, we're

thanks for listening. We'll be posting Thursday, book soon. God damn it. Hey, thanks for listening to Brian Poussain's Nerd Poker. You can follow us on Facebook and Twitter at Nerd Poker Podcast. Our new P.O. Box is Nerd Poker P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Anything you want to send us comes right to me

and I'll share it with the guys. We also have a Patreon account. Patreon.com slash NerdPoker P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash NerdPoker

and there, if you join us there, you can get monthly bonus episodes for supporting us there. As you may have noticed, we have some mic problems in these first couple episodes. I just had one mic in my dining room as we got a producer involved.

We figured we really need a second mic. So that gets resolved. But I still want to present you the first eight episodes the way we recorded them. But just know sometimes we'll be off Mike. One or two of us might be off Mike. Thanks again for listening, guys.

Couldn't do it without you. Bring the gun, you're not done