Nerd Poker - Episode 50 - Dame Over

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

After a glorious but brief celebration, our heroes have gone from aboleth champions to hanging in the balance in a deep underwater cave, Dr. Uid floating unconscious as a tentacled titan races towards half of the party. Surely the Ice Five isn't about to become the Ice Two, plus Bacon?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 50. We did it. Now Dan's going to kill us all. I'm trying. All my friends are here. Chris did it. Now Dan's going to kill us all. I'm trying. All my friends are here. Chris. Hello.

Sarah. Hello. Ken. Hey. Nice. That's a good one. Dan. Mwah.

And Blaine. Hey, hi. As always, at the end of the table, Sam. Hi, everyone. Hello, Sam. Episode 5-0. Yeah, man. It's our last episode we're recording in 2019.

It's 2019 for us. It'll be 2020 for you. Yeah. So across the great expanse of time, we bring you episode 50. And that is thanks to loyal. Oh, shit.

Yikes. What was that? Sweat. Wow. I'm glad everybody got their ears hurt and it wasn't my fault for it.

Do you take another swing at that? Hot in the mic. Where am I? Thank you to loyal. I can't think. I got my brain scrambled. Thank you.

We're not going to keep that part or we are. We should keep it. I got my brain. I don't restart. It all stays. Go. Red leather, yellow leather. Thank you.

Patreon supporters like Kimberly Kyle level. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Eric Ewald. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Eric Ewald. Thank you. Mark Dillon. Thank you.

Hal Seen's great big justice boner. Thank you. Joshua Paul. Thanks, Joshua. Thanks, John Lloyd. Thanks,

Professor Frock Bucket. Thanks. That's a reference to last campaign? Thank you, Ian Buckley. Thank you, Richard Humphrey. Thanks, James Gilley. Thanks, Shootin' Runner. Thanks, Catch22 with a 4-7 instead of an A-T.

Is this Catch22? That was what he was hoping for, I bet. Thanks, Matthew Edwards. Thanks, Dustin Peterson. Thanks, Dustin Peterson. Thanks, Ditch Wizard. Thanks, Igrima Genie. Thanks, the flattest dick in the West. Thanks, Douglas Scott.

Thanks, Testaff. Thanks, Fang the Tabaxi with one fuzzy nut. And thank you, Michael Zordon. Thank you, Michael Zordon. Thank you. I saw Ditch Wizard open for High on Fire. They were terrific. My favorite Todd Rundgren album

is Ditch Wizard, a true ditch star. My favorite Todd Rundgren album is What Happened Last Time on Nerd Poker. I love that one. If you remember, it took four and a half episodes or something for the Ice Five to annihilate the Aboleth. Who knows, man?

What a dick. Time is just this complicated thing, man. Anyway, the Ice Five fought that Aboleth and its baby and a bunch of fish folk in a cave for an interminable amount of time. Afterwards, they went looking for the artifact, a piece of glowing coral they did find deep beneath the cave lake only three of the ice five had the equipment to go swimming down in the hole if I'm not

mistaken and after finding it they seemed to alert a titan sized being living in an abandoned city so as they swam up from what appeared to be the nest of the aboleth A titan-sized being living in an abandoned city. So as they swam up from what appeared to be the nest of the Aboleth, a tentacle lurched forth from the darkness,

smacked Dr. Ood on his bing bong, and knocked him against the cave ceiling. I believe Tick Tock and Darkthor are now wondering, what's more important? Our unconscious friend getting the fuck out of here? Or that weird dude with the glowing eyes in the deep? So, yeah, did I get wrong who was down there? I'm pretty sure I was down there. You were down there?

And Queep was down there, right? And Queep, okay. So I got most of it wrong. It's me and you. Okay. Queep and Dark Thur are topside. Got it. White dudes, am I right?

Yeah, so. Do you have health? You are right. and dark there are topside got it yeah white dudes am I right yeah so you are right we are we all down on health too I don't believe you guys am I wrong or did you heal before you went down down but now Blaine has been smashed true so Blaine you took a

fair bit of bludgeoning damage last episode and you are unconscious that's true so you guys just hanging i've been jamming with hendrix uh so you two see uh just dr it would go in like a stream of bubbles smack against the rocky ceiling of this dark subterranean underwater cave and now his body is just sort of limply floating there for a second. What would you like to do? Can I use shape water to move him out of the path,

like closer back to us or out of the path of where this thing might be coming back? As you do that, I'm going to have all you guys roll for initiative. Did I say shape of water? The M. Night Shyamalanian movie i form of a bird the actual 20 damn oh that's beautiful wait you turned into a bird yes my initiative you said shape of water and so i was doing would you have a bonus to the actual 20 uh nine okay the movie about the lady who falls in love with... I always wanted to see that. I never actually saw it. I used to call it...

Was it like Lady Splashy Times? It was... In Baltimore, they love the shape of water. Oh, I got it mixed up with... Philadelphia, too. Lady in the Water. I saw Shape of Water. Philadelphia, too.

Watership Down. What was your initiative? I didn't roll an initiative. I want everyone who is in the water down here to roll initiative talking black mirror oops i rolled a seven what's your bonus to that on your initiative no that's including my bonus gross and then uh tick tock out of 29 uh hey dr just for the sake of continuity can you you roll that? It should even though you're unconscious. That would be

a natural 20. Oh, what's your bonus? Sweet. My bonus. Bonus. It should be an extra 5,000 gold pieces a year for my tenure. Been a while since we got to hear about your tenure. I'm trying to get back into the character a little bit.

Now that I'm close to death. my tenure is flashing before my eyes. It's just a creature of unbelievable age. So 23 with a natural 20. Beautiful. Okay, so what that means is I'm going to just have Helsing's move go kind of at the top of this, even though she's at the bottom of the turn order. So you're trying to use it to push him which direction? Well, I'm not totally clear.

I think, again, we were coming up basically a tube, right? Like a big kind of... More of like a... I mean, it's a massive, massive underwater city. Right. You came down a tube and you're trying to go up a tube. Trying to get to the tube. He's about 60 feet off to the side away from the tube you want to go up.

Okay, so I would want to, I guess, if possible, swim close enough. Shapewater has a 30-foot range. So I would just swim right up to where I needed to and then use Shapewater to swoosh him towards us. towards us okay again because we're not using turn order this is the sort of thing i'm using as the beginning of initiative okay uh i will allow the fact that that is longer than you would normally get in distance underwater per turn so you're going to use it to push him closer to the tube by how much um as much as i can how far was it is it like a five foot thing, I can change the flow up to five feet in any direction.

Um, so it feels like if I can change the flow, then it would just sort of start drifting him towards us as my hope. Yeah. Why don't you do an Arcana check and this will determine, uh, how many feet he goes. Uh, all right. So Halseen's doing an Arcana roll to determine exactly how well this is going to go. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to scale it for every five so there's a 5 10 15 20 i got 23 20 feet he just goes and he's way to the human soul right you're you're about a third of the

way from where you hit the ceiling to the tube uh tick tock you're up uh i will uh fire a couple arrows um at the thing and swim towards if i swim towards the doctor am i still heading up uh yeah because he's a little bit ahead of you above you so i'm gonna have you do a perception check first um because it's it's a very, formless sort of thing that you're... Copy. Not formless, but it's hard to make it all out. Excuse me. 18.

Is everybody getting their Amber Alert? Yep. Amber Alerts. Ambler? Amber Alerts. It's my feelings. They did. A gold for an escape, I'll say.

California. 6Z PF343. That's 6. a gold ford escape i'll say california uh six z pf 343 that's six z is in i faded what'd you get on your perception roll there tolman i got a dammit i said it and i forgot it oh well we all really beefed that one that wasn't as good as that it was like it was like it was like a 16 well listeners you remember but i'm really drunk so you got a 60 okay so i'll just say i'll i'll give you a 16 um i'm not actually drunk you you look down and yeah it looks like there is at least nine benadryls uh the top half of some kind of gigantic humanoid you're not sure it kind of continues into the distance there are tentacles coming at you

and you're not sure if they're connected to this humanoid i'm shooting at tentacles that's whatever well i'll with the 16 that's enough i would say you know the tentacle that hit him is it was moving so fast and it was so big it's hard to place exactly which one it is but right now you can see at least four sort of timeboat size tentacles swirling around i will shoot at whatever the closest tentacle all right closest one is currently about 120 feet away and this is disadvantage right yeah because you're underwater you know that if it was thrown it would be different that's when you don't get disadvantage uh so uh 15 just kind of disappears oh Okay. I'll try one more time. Okay. Oh,

that's much worse. Uh, 13. That was direct. Do a charisma check. Charisma check. Hmm. That's a three Dan.

Oh, sorry. That was to see how much attention you are potentially drawing from your unconscious friend. Uh, Dr. Uid, I'm going to have you do a constitution saving throw to try not to gag on

water while you're unconscious. All right. Is he doing death saves? No, it's a little different. He hasn't lost all his hit points, but he's unconscious in the water. 18.

And, uh, and what? Plus my constitution, uh, 18. So that's a 21. All right.

So with the, uh, the potion of water breathing or no, you're, you're a, you're an animal, right? Yeah. I've got, uh, I've got gills. He's a 21 all right so with the uh the potion of water breathing or no you're you're a you're an animal right yeah i've got uh i've got gills he's a merman yeah so i'm under the name gerard right now uh with that role i'm just saying you're not going to break your wild shape like you're you're you're staying okay guilt you're good one buck yeah thanks for the bdb up next nice one i love I love Buck Rogers so much. I actually, can I be honest for 10 seconds?

I wrote an episode of fan fiction back when I had to write it on a typewriter on onion skin paper. Oh, wow. And it was where the Battlestar Galactica came back to Earth in the 25th century and were intercepted by Buck Rogers. And they teamed up to fight the Draconians. When are we going to read that? 26 to hit on Dr. Ud? The Cylons. The Draconians.

The Cylons defeated the Draconians and then we had to help. It was a whole thing. I love it. Anyway, it's in my parents' house probably someplace.

Dr. Ud, you take 19 points of bludgeoning damage as a tentacle emerges from the water and smacks into you. Are you alive? How much is that?

19. Somebody call Buck Rogers. Yeah, that's pretty bad. I had six. All right. No, no, no. No, I had negative 15. But you already were at negative 15?

I think so. No, you couldn't have been at negative 15 from the first hit the first one i thought was 21 that's what i just listened to it back i thought oh yeah i thought that's what it was yeah so you wouldn't be dead dead you were just unconscious like you weren't like unconscious from zero hit points you were unconscious from your points my max hit points is 44 or 52 you wouldn't take one hit and be dead. Had he already taken some damage from the coral? Did you just listen to it?

I just listened to it. I thought he got whacked, and then you're saying he's unconscious, and I thought something had happened from him. I know he took a lot of bludgeoning damage when he got hit with the tentacle last episode, but I almost feel like we need to pause and re-listen or something. Yeah, sorry.

I have a bunch of horrible scrawls all over the place. All right. Hang on. Bad housekeeping housekeeping let's take a quick break do you want me to check my notes uh do you have it in your notes no i knew you didn't you son of a bitch because i got i came back to i came back to life i guess and i was up to six so you got because we long rested i think i think maybe you didn't write down you had full points when we went down. I think that's exactly what happened. Because you should have been at full health when you got hit.

And, Grant, I know you got hit for a lot, but now I have to actually play the episode, which is why this, even though it might be fun. Because I have it down 21 right now. That's like a break. I mean, you can stay seated because it might only take 30 seconds, but I think it's bad podcasting. So I need to just mark it. So we just checked blaine's hit points he is down to four hit points and again he is not

unconscious like in real life in the dnd sense where you're unconscious when you hit zero hit points uh he's unconscious from just the concussive uh smash against the ceiling of this gigantic city-sized cave um so yeah down four after that second hit he is not doing death saves because he has hit points left uh what i am still jamming with hendrix by the way hal seen you see the tentacle smash him again and he goes spiraling towards the tube um but he's moving much faster now so you kind of see him he's like you swam pretty close he's like five feet in front of you just like okay

what you gonna do? oh it's my turn again can I get to him? can I swim to him and try to get yes okay but actually you know what I'm gonna do

you can try to grab him he is kind of twirling past you right now you know what I'm actually gonna do is I can see this thing below me uh huh okay how far below?

hundreds of feet there's some tentacles that are within 150 feet but the main body of this thing is far off use are all these spells that i have to be within like 30 feet of something um do an insight check okay i will that's 16 uh this is the biggest monster you've ever seen and you feel like even if all of the ice five were with you you don't know if you'd be able to take it down yeah i wasn't trying to take him down i was just trying to blind him but i guess i'd have to be maybe i was looking for an excuse to say that also you can try to find him but yeah um let's get out of here uh i try to grab him i guess and swim okay towards the i mean if you do an athletics check to try to grab him, I guess, and swim towards the...

I mean, if you do an athletics check to try to grab him as you swim up into the tube. He can't fit this thing. He won't be able to fit through the tube, right? But a tentacle will? Possibly. Okay. Just a skinny ant. With that insight check, I'm saying possibly.

I guess. And we have no clue. No. If you're lucky, no one will die and we'll move along the action to include you guys very shortly. But unfortunately, you guys can only... The only way you would know anything is if

TikTok uses... Gus told the basic story of what's happening from the top of the episode. But right now, you two are kind of stuck above in the lake. Yeah, I guess I'm really nothing else to do than just try to get out. Athletics check, please. Oh, that was a good role.

Uh, 19 Hawaiian role. Great. So you grab Dr. Uid, the merman, and you managed to swim up into the opening. Um, and then on that, we're going to go up to TikTok. TikTok, you see Halsey. You see the Pee Wee Merman Christmas special. Grab him.

Swim up into the tunnel in the ceiling. Again, it's like imagine one of those light holes in Brian's ceiling is like... One of Brian's light holes? See the light holes up on the ceiling? I'm looking into Brian's... One of those is what you're trying to swim up into. I'm trying to swim up into...

Dusty one. Yeah. And this room is like the city. Dan is referring to lights on the ceiling. It's like track lighting that's inset. I was talking about pink champagne on ice. You know Brian's urethra, Chris.

Anyway, I was not clear enough, perhaps, about the size of the cave earlier, so I just wanted to make doubly sure that we got a decent visual. I want to make sure our radio theater is as good as it can be. By the way, Martians

have landed in New Jersey. You basically have, you know, a few options here. I'm swimming. We're leaving. Great. You manage to use your turn, you know, to get the distance up in there. You do notice a tentacle is chasing you. So we don't have to go through the round.

But are you going to fight it or are you just going to try to swim up? I think I would use my action to dash and get further up. Cool. I'm going to just have Halseen roll athletics with disadvantage and you roll athletics TikTok normally. And this is just to outrun the tentacle without any further issue 12

okay surely not worse than a 12 what I rolled happened oh no oh god okay sorry that's okay you get um I can breathe not too far and then

you just feel this thing collide with your abdomen well it's gonna try to oh 12 to hit what's your AC 17 yep alright

although that's with my shield so that probably wouldn't be true underwater right where is it um it's a weird question it is a weird what's your what's your bonus with the shield is it too because it's not called out on a sheet because

what's water got to do with it i don't know i wouldn't think i'd be swimming with a shield what's water i would yeah who breaks a water when a water what's water can't be broken you know what ken says that it's a fine and i trust him. I mean, Ken's played this game for a while. On that note, he's, he, he hits you, but you kind of just spin with it and you,

uh, you managed to keep swimming and eventually the tentacle seems to run out of slack and it can't follow you any farther up the tunnel. I'm giving you the, mostly I don't, it goes, does it go? My reason for breezing past it without getting too semantic, Sarah is just,

I feel like it's not going to reduce your AC by like five, which is what it would need for the tentacle to hit you for damage. I'm having a coughing attack, but I want to talk. So it's a complicated time. I'm also just kind of filling the time. Let's fill time until Sarah's done with the coughing attack. Now I can cough. I saw coughing attack open for you.

Oh, my God. I love. I can cough. I saw cough and attack open for you. I love... I have a reaction called Wrath of the Storm. Oh, okay. I like this. When a creature within five feet that I can see, I assume it's tentacle, hits you with an attack, you can use a reaction to cause the creature

to make a dex saving throw. Oh, great. Okay. Now it'll take lightning or thunder damage. Does that work underwater? Sure does. I used that spell at a TGI Fridays once. Oh, great. Okay. Now, it'll take lightning or thunder damage. Does that work underwater? Sure does. I used that spell at a TGI Fridays once. Yeah, what happened?

All right. Well, let's take a look at that clip. All right. It's not working. Yeah. Sam, can you drop that in? That'll be great. Can you draw it?

Yeah, we'll have a link posted to the clip. Just say if everyone's doing YouTube search, can you draw a red picture of it? It, we'll have a link posted to the clip. Just say for everyone doing YouTube search, can you draw a picture of it? It was a DC-14. Oh, shit. So it's taking 10 points of thunder damage. Yeah, you just see it. It sails past you and does this weird paralyzing brace

as you continue to swim. I got a Kia Stinger with some thunder damage. Huge, huge discount. Dr. Ud, you wake up just in time to see the tentacle get smacked. Speaking of stingers. You'll now make it to the surface of the lake. So, again, this lake has got a thin layer of slime and guts on the top of it, slowly being devoured by cave spiders.

So get Jerry Lewis on the phone. Halcine fought a monster, you guys. It was crazy. You guys, Dr. Queep, the guard. What's going on? What happened? There is for sure another monster that we cannot ever beat. Well, let's get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, let's go. It can't get to where we are, right? It's a sea monster. Do an insight check. Well, let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah, let's go. It can't get to where we are, right? It's a sea monster. Do an insight check. Oh, Jesus. Darker with the insight check. Also, it had shoulders. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, it was some kind of like giant... Like Ursula. Well, I wonder if that might be the god. If that's the actual god. Yeah, I think that might be. Whatever. Deep holy. The deep that's the actual god. Yeah, I think it might be. Whatever. Deep holy. The deep holy, the underwater boy.

Brian has dropped his dice on the floor, I want to say six out of seven times. These heavy ones. Yeah, is this part of the game? I really feel like these heavy ones. This happens enough. I'm curious. 18.

18? Oh, okay. So, doctor. For what was it is perception insight oh insight please right next to covered in slime and guts 21 actually 21 yes and you're trying to just think about this sea monster yeah uh you know you start hearing all the stories about it and you're a seafaring guy it reminds you of some of the ancient monsters created by the gods when the gods would war with each other thousands of years ago,

and you've heard sailors talk about beings deep beneath the sea like this. This seems to be confined somehow to a subterranean area as opposed to the open ocean, but it sounds like it is a leftover leftover pet of like an evil God. Good. Let's get out of here. Okay. Oh, you know what?

Can we, can we phone stone the Archmage? You just set off Ken's phone when you said phone stone. I just heard an Australian voice just said, I found this on the web. Sound like Reese Darby was a woman. So yeah. Follow web spoiler alert. Pull your socks up. Yeah, he's Kiwi.

What am I talking about? So 25 words. Phone stone him. And if you remember, not only did he send a scout, but he was like beeping you saying like you need to bring me my shit additional monster

details very big uh there's like a long pause oh There's like a long pause. Oh. What are we trying to tell him? I'm trying to find out what it is. I'm trying to find out.

Oh, yeah. Because he said to bring him the coral. He's not 100% sure if you asked him a question either. Oh, you didn't do a question mark? You did a question mark? I couldn't tell. Additional monster details very big like that means like I'm saying do you have

additional monster details it's very big oh then instead of oh he says there are things that live down in the deep here we go bring me what you found or I will come fetch it

fetch this what a creep I sent an emoji you know what I heard do an intimidation check he can do it himself oh really yeah well all we have to do

is not do it he'll do it himself and then we kill him take it I like it 15 I like my. 15. I like my plan.

Let's do that. Did you guys get the coral? Or is the coral? Yeah. Oh, yeah. 15? Mm-hmm. Very well.

You'll hear from me soon. What? I mean, I don't know why he's being such a dick. He wants the coral. He just doesn't have to be such an asshole about it like bring it to me now he's acting like he's like the guy who found all he's like you guys are but you know he did he did he did try to convince you early on it's easy to forget because it's been months since you've actually seen him in person but the the he thought he had to deal with you guys where he gave you this and you would you would be fetching these for him i think we you've achieved a certain amount of independence fame uh confidence since you've seen him he thought we'd be fetching them for him i

thought we were at least to give it to him and collaborate with him maybe not like as servants but i thought it was like we were trying to get them because it was how we were gonna stop the end of the world or some nonsense. But he's been kind of nagging you to give it to him immediately and not just run around with them. He keeps saying they're safer with him and stuff like that. That doesn't sound right. I think they're funner when they're with us.

They are funner when they're with you, for sure. Can I say, hold your horses. Still friends. Do a persuasion check. Well, oh. Oh my God, the same twice. Did you realize you had advantage? I had advantage and then i rolled two threes

so three but i have a plus four so seven silence you know he has words left he's not answering no i in team no silence, God damn it. But there is meat, Matt, Matt, eight, me. Hey, let's show them the coral over here. I mean, you definitely. Yeah, well, you were going to attune to the coral, right? You feel like, yeah, like there's a solid chance he understands you have the coral. He wants you to bring it to him and he's going to have somebody come get it if you don't give it to him. So what I'm saying is, Doctor,

take out the coral so they can see. I wonder if that bright light will do anything to this death goo while you have to take it out. Yeah, it doesn't have some kind of like Gandalf level holy radiance. It just glows kind of. What about that other mage who was nicer? Let's go talk to

him. The Arcanist? Wait, what? Are you saying I can't do it just because I've sustained a massive head injury? Well, you should know because I think you weren't with us for that part. We definitely think there's something... He was real excited when he knew... He found out we knew the Archmage of Vanzervale.

Oh, yeah. I think we asked about it. Yeah. So he might be friendlier. Right. But not friendly oh god okay so um i mean the guard has survived this adventure you have a dame island guard with you he's super stoked for you guys and is high-fiving you and being like yeah let's head back to dame

island let's get your reward you guys you. You saved Dame Island. This is amazing. This is why we've had a deal with the Path of the Vaunted Tusk. These horrible narwhal monsters have been in sort of protective negotiations with us because this cave is here. I mean, like, they don't have one over on us. They also don't need us. This is going to be crazy, but we're, you know. I also wonder how much they

exist. I think, aren't they all dead? Eaten by that thing underwater? Do an insight check. 18 20 Either the aboleths or that thing that chased you off were definitely eating

the Tusk folk, but you don't know if it was a sacrifice or what. Okay. They were eating other things too. So it may just be that it was indiscriminately eating humanoids and other things. Sometimes hard candies before the show starts. Pocky.

You guys. Pocky going on. Yeah. I don't know. Chocolate cover cookies. I didly Pocky you guys Pocky going on chocolate covered cookies I was buying supplies for my new kitchen at the old world market and they had Pocky so you're gonna head back to town I take it

and Terry no longer Terry's here. Terry like, you know, Shakespearean Terry. T-A-R-R-Y. You're not with us, Terry? Terry's back at Dame Island. I mean, you could bump into him depending on how you wander around. Oh, hell yeah.

All right. So it sounds like you guys are heading back. You head back. You know, you got to take us a small boat that you left on the shore to kind of cross the water. You do have the ability to walk of cross the water um you do have the ability to walk on water which is hilarious so if you want you could flex that in front of bacon um but uh maybe we do that as we get back didn't you say like the the coast was right at the yes

we could we could do your reservoir dogs water walk up so you can have that moment yeah i would love it let's do it all right bacon's like what like yeah people are real and real they're they're going nuts um as you get back to dame island you get the impression there's sort of two kinds of feelings around town i mean this is again this is like the most populated more than two kinds of feelings this is the most populated area you guys have been in so far and so there's enough of a population density you can tell there's layers to what just happened you guys killed this monster um all the normal towns folks seem thrilled but the guards and some of the the more political figures seem uneasy there's a

a couple of wizards you see the arcanist is is there on the on the coast when you guys pull up while the Reservoir Dogs music is playing. And you also see, where is he? Where is he? Reservoir Dogs. Do-ba-dee-doo-doo. Reservoir Dogs. Do-ba-dee-doo. Reservoir Dogs.

Do-ba-dee-doo-doo. Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs. You also see Lord Husterbus. Hey. Who was near fatally wounded. He looks really screwed up.

He's got a lot of scars. Fresh looking scars. He's kind of hunched over. He's walking with a cane. He looks upset. But the townsfolk in general are losing their shit. Like there's people are trying to, help you out of the water. You know, they grab Dark Sir and are, like, shaking him with glee and, like, getting really excited trying to make him unsour.

Easy. And, yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. People are trying to give you things. We should go straight up to Lord Husterbuss. Okay. He looks upset.

What kind of things are they trying to give us? Just little trinkets, little bracelets, little dolls. Darkthor, you like swag? Kids are all trying to give you their toys. Anything of value? No. Very humble offerings. Oh, Darkthor, always a pirate.

Never a pyre. Lord Husterbuss seems grateful that you actually sought him out. And he says, yeah, yeah, let's head back to the Viridian Keep. There's much to discuss. Sure. But while everyone's cheering, I would be like, turn to the crowd and say, Halcine, shouldn't you pump this guy up a little bit? It should be like, three cheers for Lord Husterbuss.

He survived. Do, oh, yeah. Dousterbuss. He survived. Do, oh yeah, do a performance check. Performance check. I think he should be doing that for us. Yeah.

But just smooth, TikTok, just smooth the way. What am I rolling? With advantage, roll performance. Oh, that's good because I have a plus zero to that.

That's a 15, Dan. Yeah, not everybody, but like everyone around you in the immediate area is like, yay! Three cheers for Lord Ostervos. Under his leadership, the Aboleth has been defeated. He gets

what you're doing, kind of like smiles at you. He's like, thank you, Jester. Understood. Don't worry, we're going to take care of you, but there's, like I said, much to discuss. Alright, calm down yeah okay and he hobbles and you can tell like you know he's his his leg is like bent in the wrong direction he's he's he's not in great shape but he's walking of his own elision she got those clerics to help him get the feeling they have been because he's kind of a

multi-tiered project for the clerics you head back to the viridian keep which uh also looks like it's having emergency repairs still from the explosion a few days ago you are uh guided up into the private quarters of lord hester bus and um he says first things first uh have a drink let us serve you dinner here in my private quarters and uh immediately we should pay you for what you've done with the, there, there's a clear gift you have given town. I'd like to offer each of you.

It's weird how one of you is just nodding immediately. I feel like I don't have a personal connection with one of you in particular, but otherwise we're all friends here. That one guy's a dick, but you know, I'm still grateful to the dick. So I don't like how that came out.

T-shirt. T-shirt. Dan Tilford. December 27th, 2019. Get a really big T-shirt so you can sleep in it. Go a couple sizes up when you get that. Oh, they're so soft.

Available now in the no dirt poker store. Oh, so cozy. The Arcanist. The gaff slanket. The Arcanist shows up to also help distribute these gifts. You're each given 200 gold. Fair chunk of money. I'm grateful to the name.

200 gold. Ooh. Fair chunk of money. I'm grateful to the name. And they had four water-breathing amulets in Arcanist's keep that he had been saving, but he says, well, here you go. They're now... So helpful after the adventure. How cool of you.

These were buried with other wizards in a crypt, so it was a bit of a religious affair to pull these out but uh if you want to make me feel bad about not grave robbing before you went and killed a monster uh sure i feel like we can all just cool turn down just a little but but they're they're very grateful um they just react to a little bit of sourness and a little bit of cockiness oddly because uh because of uh the the sort of grim situation of the explosion still sort of ringing in the air lord hustler bus uh tick tock is so fucking psychopathic lately uh you you get the impression that he he mostly wants your continued help there is now a vacuum of um of of uh what to do like they don't understand exactly what's going to happen next but the path of the vaunted tusk is not gone they are regrouping in the ocean to the south they probably will come back and launch some sort of assault

the odds are that the giants will be involved at some point but the whole reason the town of dame island got something uh in return was because they're sort of forced into it with the aboleth now that the aboleth is gone the path of onitus doesn't even want to help defend them against the giants anymore so there's a chance out of spitefulness both the giants and the narwhals are going to come just lay waste at some point uh out of just spite um so yeah he's worried about it. And he's just like, if there's anything you can do, I'd be greatly appreciated. I know there's only five of you. Yeah, there's five of us.

Five. But then, of course, there's the dragon. There's some weird monster that they tell me swims around your boat in the water that looks like it's made of eyeballs. Wait, what? There's some elf that you keep

below deck, but yeah, I think Taylor Swift has one of those. Don't get it. I know that's not

enough to defend our city, but if there's anything you can do, the only thing I can

think of is a call for reinforcements from the next biggest city who is actually very good at defending themselves. I don't. What's the next biggest city? It's the capital of Donkey Land.

Interesting. We have to throw a bunch of jackasses. Should we be talking to this guy about our writing implement situation? Not the mayor, but the archmage. Not the archmage, but the arcanist. Sure. We have to trust somebody. Yeah, it seems like maybe that could be an additional.

So that maybe? Weigh in, sure. I don't know if you guys remember that there's a man trapped inside a pen. Oh, yeah. That's been traveling around with us. You going to explain this to the arcanist and see what he can do? Maybe we could say something like...

Yeah, word it how you want, I would say. I think this is really TikTok's... And TikTok, I'll remind you, the arcanist is unaware that you were all at the same dinner party some 10 years ago. Oh, yeah, that's why I'm wondering. Or if he... You haven't discussed it yet. Oh, yeah. That's why I'm wondering. Or if you haven't discussed it yet,

there's a chance he's hiding that he knows. I feel like this is the moment for honesty. Sure. All right, then. Radical honesty. How can I sit down? You're about to shit a brick. I feel like if I sit down when I shit the brick,

it'll just ruin my pants when I find a toilet. But I see what you're saying. All right. Iacing myself what can i do for you uh we were with you that day 10 years ago yes i know okay cool well then she thought it was a big fucking deal no i have part two should still make him you in You in particular, I remember. Oh yeah, why's that? You greeted me at the door. Oh yeah, hello. Did I take your coat and put some mints in it afterwards? No, but you did make me do some horrible game where I had to put ice in a glass of scotch.

I begged him not to make everyone play that game. I put meat in it. It was annoying. It was one of the options. Did you like him? Oh, the Baron of Peppermint? Yeah.

He was a friendly sort. I feel like he would be helpful in the situation right now. He really thought outside the box. You know what I mean? Don't you think it would be great? Last I heard, he disappeared somewhere. I pull out the plume.

You see him go white when you pull it out. I put it away. What does he go when that happens? That's where he is in the pen no we're gonna write him a letter i again one of you i don't like he's at a sandals really really don't like the drought he got sunburn on his butt cheeks the first day and it's a real it's oh now from you. Doing one of those tanning things. A little perineum tan.

I think I can get him out of there. What are you going to do with him? He's going to cost you. Let him live according to his own free will? What else would we do? Were you his servant, though? Was he going to try to re-enslave you? Oh, well, I didn't know any better no i think i think my concern is you had a memory wipe yeah you're you're before he found you so you're on your you last thing the first thing you remember is being found in a marketplace by the baron yeah he pay you well i mean he gave me these fine clothes

and these not really i'm just you, kept him as happy as he wanted. Not dicker of Beverly Hills. The cycle of... Well, I think we should... My one concern is... Servitude that you... Also, there's some pretty fucked up things in the diary. That's what I'm saying.

I'll remind everybody. The last thing he wrote before he got put in here is how much I hate that fucking TikTok and I wish he was dead. It's been too long. I'm sorry. No, it's fine he that was again months ago yeah he blames tiktok to some extent for being the harbinger of the war forged army that marched south and attacked the elven city so i'm not saying that an argument to not let him out i'm just saying we should let him out for sure and just be ready for him to be pissed off you know i could destroy this pen it can't

be destroyed in a normal means if you want me to just no that's not what anyone said all right that'll be fucked up if i may and he pulls you aside tiktok he says uh just so you know there's a lot of people who want the baron dead see that's that's what we're trying to find out from you yeah once you come I bring him back out to everybody. Say that to everybody. Yeah, the Baron is a wanted man. Why exactly? Some of the folk who were at that dinner party

felt slighted and betrayed by the Baron for not having been told the information sooner. He brought a lot of powerful people to that party in the hopes of, in his mind saving them he thought he would be sort of safe place floating above the fray because instead they were trapped for some time in that ship some of the folks at that dinner party wanted him dead so there is there's an agatha christie novel yeah there's there's there's some danger in how many people and lord hustler bus has been hearing all this sort of from the corner of the room

trying to act like he isn't completely listening. Oh, I felt like we were talking to him privately. I mean, you're in Lord Husterbus' private quarters. Well, when I said should we talk to the Archonist, but okay, all right, all right, fine. I mean, it's just Lord Husterbus, right? It's just the politician. What could possibly...

Now I don't like one person in this room. It's me. You know, and he seems relatively polite and you don't see any reason why he would be the wrong person to tell there's nothing uh he doesn't even like seem to register it you can roll an inside check if you want to know if he's pissed off yes okay well it's in all of your interests i I'll let you roll with advantage. You would all be kind of like, oh boy. Brian just rolled for himself for no reason. 16. He seems like he doesn't give a shit.

But yeah, the Arcanist. I like your attitude. You're signed. The Arcanist is like, we should do this in my private quarters, not in Lord Husterbus's private quarters. We should go back to my tower. Okay. Yep. Alright. So the only thing is as you guys sort of bring your

focus in that direction, Lord Husterbus does just say please do me one favor. Before you leave town, tell me what your plans are. You can do it via messenger or via the Arcanist, whatever, but we are hoping we can fortify the town. We do feel like within the next few days,

we could see some sort of attack. And our guards are rallying thanks to you. You've done much for us, but we are in a weakened state nonetheless. So thank you. Of course. All right. You head back to the Arcanist Tower.

Again, people are just seeing you in the street. They're pointing at you. Blaine, you want me to have a coughing fit so you can open that freely? No. Blaine wants to open the chocolate pocky. the street. They're pointing at you. Blaine, you want me to have a coughing fit so you can open that freely? No. Blaine wants to open the chocolate Pocky. So bad. No, I'm good.

Give some of that banana Pocky. Blaine thought I was going to say something. I was. I was waiting for you to say something, and you didn't. I was going to tell that guy we're going to Disneyland. That's exactly what I knew you were going to say. Holy shit. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Thanks for covering for that noise. Yeah, no problem. He says as he eats your Pocky, Dan. I know. The Pocky I brought. For everyone. Elbow gag. I brought for everyone. So the Arcanist takes you back to his tower and he immediately starts setting up.

He invites you to get comfortable. He's got all sorts of shes and couches and chairs. He's got, you know, nice little, nice little quarters, lots of magical stuff laying around. Tick tock he uh he says this is going to take

very little time he just needs to gather some components and he should be able to banf uh this into the baron now just so you know it seemed like the baron banfed in here because he was dying so he's gonna need some i'm assuming immediate health healing i i'm assuming glad you remember all this do we have this written do you have the actual copy i do the letter yeah yeah i would i'd love to review at some point cool yeah if you have the printed copy that's great i also have it electronically if uh anyone i have sexual healing paper is good because this is part of the glory of actual dungeons and dragons You can actually pass that shit around while other people are talking. And then the

Monty Python-esque letter being cut off. Oh, yeah. While he's away grabbing stuff for a second, I just want to say to the group, I'll just remind everybody that the way this letter ends, he basically says he's talking about the Tenebrous One, one simply known as

Blank. So as soon as he gets out, he knows who the Tenebrous one, one simply known as Blank. So as soon as he gets out, he knows who the Tenebrous one is. Let's ask him. That's helpful. All right. What are we waiting on? You're looking at the... I thought we were reviewing

while he was gathering things. Oh, I forgot. I forgot all of this. Do you want me to do like a TLDR thing here for you guys? Yeah. Basically, he created a form of instantly cast blessings traded for goods and services, like a coin that does not have physical form.

But what actually happened was that when people started using it, he could hear everything they were saying, the people who were carrying them around. Like real Bitcoin. So he's saying that he feels like a creep because of that. And that he knew of the genocide coming, which I think we knew. And then it nauseates him to say it now, but sorry, TikTok. But he thought that TikTok was deserving of a second chance.

And he thought he was being generous, but then the armies came and now he's a creep. Um, and so the, Oh yeah, sort of definitely feels like we should have reviewed this early. So sorry. There's a lot going on. Sorry to all the listeners who may have been like,

guys, what about that? because something he heard tales of startling heroism from Donkey Land, where they hunt the Worm Lords in pairs of halflings known as Abyss Droppers. And that's where the Marifca possibly are. This is like one of those pamphlets in the office of Madonna Inn. So we probably should have booked it for Donkey Land. Well, that's why I think it's good that the mayor said they have

a relationship with that city yeah um and then uh yeah keep talking guys i can just okay uh he says yeah if you're ready uh i will i will bamf him into uh back into being but what as i said you're gonna bamf him back into being. Are we prepared to heal? I don't know much healing myself. So I would say then this to the doctor and to Halseen, like you should get ready to revive something, this guy. So I hope you've got a handful of berries ready to rock. Yeah, or bring somebody back from the dead, if that's an option.

So you see him gather some expensive looking ingredients from his rolling desk and some shelves. He slaps his hands together, chants for about 10 minutes, gets a little boring. And then the feather, which he has placed on a table, levitates for a moment. And you see a very familiar looking gnome asleep. John, Steve? You see a very familiar looking gnome asleep. Chomsky? I don't see anything about him being ill, though. No. But yep, Mibbin Dairy Waxel Pezzle Gig,

the honorary baron of Pepper Green, is wearing tattered rags, is bloodied, breathing unconscious on the table. This very exciting guys can you heal him uh i mean it could it might be worth uh reminding everyone too i think uh chris probably remembers this because it's part of the backstory he and i discussed a long time ago but he he's he's um he can't walk very well uh he sort of has malformed legs and so he you would notice doesn't have his uh his sort of token leg braces that he usually has i i normally i think i would pick him up i wonder if it would creep him out so maybe i'd kind of like help him sit up in sort of a comfortable

position but maybe not so my arms are wrapped around him so that if he woke up. All right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or maybe I would say to like Queep, like, Cuckoo Bird, could you hold him up? Does he seem like he needs healing? Yeah.

Yeah, he seems like he is in a rough way. Okay, so I can do prayer of healing. It takes 10 minutes. And maybe you shouldn't be holding him when he wakes up. That's why I said Queep should do it. But does anyone need to? I can do a cure wounds, and I can do it at a higher level.

I think it's fine though for him to wake up lying down. That's how people come out of unconsciousness. I don't think he needs to be wrapped up. Maybe put a pillow under his head or something. There's plenty of upholstered furniture with spare throw pillows. I'm going to keep my eye on the wizard. Cool. He's stepping

back and kind of waiting to see what you guys do. But he's squinting a lot at the unconscious body of the wizard. Cool. He's stepping back and kind of waiting to see what you guys do, but he's squinting a lot at the unconscious body of the Baron. 15 points. And another thing from that thing just from the letter is that he does talk about the Archmage had gathered the druids and

was able to save things. The Archmage is different than the other wizard. He keeps talking about that wizard who then became the Tenebrous one. My head's okay. Great. He had to do his wild magic save. Great. So, yeah, after 10 minutes, are you going to do healing on him?

Do I need to, or is he starting to wake up? He's going to stir after 10 minutes or so, yeah. Occasional stirring. Yeah. He's got some of his hit points back um he leans up and his eyes are wide he immediately becomes terrified you're okay you're okay he's not doing great you can tell because he's on a table and he's has trouble with use of his legs that he's resisting the urge to just sort of run he can't so he he's he's very isolated on this table and

it's just kind of looking around he says nothing his eyes mostly fixed between the arcanist and tick tock both of which he seems leery of you are safe do a persuasion check turn off your amber alerts everybody turn off your amber 16 uh like everybody. Turn off your Amber Alerts. 16. Sound like me jamming with Hendrix. He's just unsettled. It's not enough. I know you do not believe me, but you can trust them. Okay. You recognize this guy.

I point to the wizard. Aha. Yeah, I recognize him. You may not remember what you did you were trapped a long time you uh put yourself into the form of a quill and you waited so long for rescue and finally rescue came to you in the form of the ice five that's us okay well uh thank you uh who uh what should i do um let's see uh what do you need from me can I go

you need to relax number one so just oh you know what I know what you're looking up I bet you do is it the calm mind spell yeah can I do that I think so

just tell the listeners how it goes if you don't mind you gotta find it again though yeah I'm just trying to find I've got to find it again, though. Blaine! Yeah, I'm just trying to find it. I'm trying to find it, too. I don't have the card, so it's Calm Emotions. Calm Emotions. Okay.

You attempt to suppress strong emotions. Each humanoid to 20 foot must make a charisma saving throw. And he's going to resist this. So what's your spell save, DC? My spell save, DC my spell save dc is i have pretty good number 14 he rolled a three with a bonus point of zero so uh yeah he okay the good news is that your instincts towards tiktok that he was worthy of a second chance and a good man, mechanical man, they were correct. He is the one who has saved you, in fact, and who is helping to save, indeed, the world. Interesting. After all this time,

you would say that. How long have you been with TikTok? How long has it been? 50 episodes. We were frozen. Years. We were frozen in ice for all of that time. Wow. Yeah, it really sucked.

I'm sure being in a quill was not fun also, so, you know, it's not a contest, but. Yes, we in the observatory thought you all dead. Gexwick saved us. Gexwick dug us out of the ice. Really? He survived, no less. Yes.

As far as I know, he's still sitting in a little... He probably moved on with his life. Life doesn't begin and end with you, I'm sure. Well, it's only been a little bit of time. I didn't mean it like that.

Cool, cool. So, again, what do you need? Can I leave thank you would be I feel like yeah do you want to go back in your pen is that the problem or it was

a sense of safety I had has the pen that I'm sort of without now for the first time in a few months so this is a bit that's how long you've been in there yes I know you can't go for the first time in a few months. So this is a bit... That's how long you've been in there, a month? Yes, yes.

No, you can't go, I guess, is the point, but... I bet it smells great in there. Where are we? Dame Island. Yeah. Really? Oh. Take me to the Viridian Keep, please. We have.

You're not in the Viridian Keep. You're in a... We are no longer in the Viridian Keep, please. We have. You're not in the Viridian Keep. You're in a main We are no longer in the Viridian Keep. Wait, why is the guy's office not in the Viridian Keep?

Oh, it's like it's near, but yeah, it's separate from like the political building. Why the Viridian Keep? Well, they'll recognize me as an

honorary baron and they will give me certain protections. I don't really understand why I'm in what appears to be a wizard's chamber. What are you afraid of? Death. Many want me dead. How do you know that?

Who? You know, the people who remained in my airship after you wanted me dead. Oh, wasn't this guy one of them? And on that note, the answer is the answer is yes. Hey, Sam, we think happened this episode in episode 50. We're swimming in the water full of

spiders and monster meat like the pool at a gym. Forget who we're bringing the coral to. I forget why we're here. Why do we do things like this? Also, are we heroes? We kill almost everyone we meet. We're getting gifts and we're very passive aggressive towards each other.

I think we're finally going to donkey land. I think Sarah said we have a man and a pen. This game is goddamn wild. Agatha Christie wrote a whopping 66 detective novels in her lifetime. That was episode 5-0. What do you got going on there, Dan? A lot of nothing, man.

Nothing to plug in the 22-0. I'm looking forward to seeing the Valentine's edition of Lucha Vivoom hosted by Blaine Kapach in February. That sounds fun. I forgot about that. My record comes out on

Grandpa Metal comes out on February 14th, Valentine's Day for any metal lovers. If you love somebody who loves metal and hey speaking of metal. What?

Oh, sorry. What do you got? Speaking of metal lovers, come and check out me and Stacy Keach. We're doing a live stage presentation of Heart Beeps at UCLA through March 2nd. Great. Come check it out. And if you are a UCLA student, park and validate. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.