Nerd Poker - Episode 53 - Donkeyland Ahoy

Episode Date: January 28, 2020

It seems more real than ever- the Ice Five are on what could be the true approach to Donkeyland. With a whole lot of allies in tow, it will be a matter of who stays with the Time Boat and who adventures through the jagged rocks and cliffs. One thing is for sure... everyone is getting really excited to see a donkey.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 53. Right? Mm-hmm. I was agreeing with myself. Sometimes you have to. I'll introduce him. My friends are here.

Chris. Hello, Brian. Sarah. Hi, Brian. Ken. Dan. Greetings, my dear child. Blaine.

Does every time to me hi Brian and at the end of the table we already heard his voice Sam everybody hi everyone hey Sam episode 53

season 3 2020 2020 you guys woo Hugh Downs 2020. 2020, you guys. Woo! Hugh Downs. I would like... Can I do this? I would love for you to.

I would like to thank some of the people on Patreon who keep this podcast kicking. They go by names like Michael Teal. Thank you, Michael. Thank you. Thank you, Sneak Attack Tortoise. Thank you. Thank you, Michael. Thank you. Thank you, Sneak Attack Tortoise. Thank you. Thank you, Jack Ransom. Thank you, Blackie Green's Bastard Son, parenthetical, The Cool One.

You can't prove that. Thanks, Brett Holtzapple. Can't prove that either. Thanks, Eden Konex. Eddie Konex? Oh, boy. Thanks, Sean George. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks, Aeternum Dave. We know you, Aeternum Dave. Oh boy. Thanks, Sean George. Thanks.

Thanks, Aeternum Dave. We know you, Aeternum Dave. Oh, hey, Aeternum Dave. Thanks, Nathan LaHaye. Thank you. Thanks, Neil Wicker. Thanks, Ryan Smith. Thanks.

Thanks, Spencer Wood. Thank you. Thanks, Amanda Bird. Thanks. Thanks, Dam Dam's Rebel. Amanda Bird. Thanks, Catra's Fupa. What?

Oh, no. Thanks thanks i don't feel good about it still thank you thank you but thank you but how dare you thank you andy metcalf thanks ludicrous these words what are they thanks ludicrous city thanks doctor evo thanks just rob thanks oog on crunkle snatch thanks Thanks, Dr. Evo. Thanks, Just Rob. Thanks, Ugon Crunklesnatch. Thanks, Ugon Crunklesnatch. Thanks, RayRPG. Thanks, Kerry Marsh.

And thank you, Chewbacca's Hairy Taint. Hey, Blaine. What were those thank yous brought to us by? Those thank yous, of course, brought to you by Clefortum. When you've got pain, Clefortum's there for you. Remember, non-reviews with the side effects include blinking, drinking, and breathing with the lungs.

Clefortum. Ask your doctor if Clefortum's right for you. Clefortum. Regenerable phlegm. Get your life back with Clefortum. I like this new series I wish the listener could see Blaine's His shoulders are kind of rocking while he does it

I know he's like shimmying the commercial to life Actually I'm molting This isn't corduroy This is my flesh There's like a weird kind of dried out Blaine laying on the floor Yeah look There's the little lens caps that went over my unblinking eyes.

My snake just shed, by the way. I didn't know you owned a shake. A snake. He drank a shake. I do. My shake just shed. That's my excuse for spilling their shake on the floor. I went to Snake Shack. By mistake.

Do we both do the same riff? I said Shake Shack. You said Snake Shack. I'm by mistake. Do we both do the same riff? I said Shake Shack. You said Snake Shack. Snake Shack. Their logo is a burger, and it's all in green, and it has a little line in it. And I always tell Ali, I go, hey, look, it's Snake Snack. And he goes, it's Shake Shack.

I go, yeah, that's what I said, Snake Snack. He's like, Shake Shack. So we do that for 20 minutes. And then he punches you in the face. Yeah, he's going to pay for me when I'm an adult. Yeah, when he's 15, he's going to be like, you're not funny. Oh, that's what my wife does.

The whole family's got, we've got each other covered. Speaking of covering things, why don't I cover what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Oh my God. Yes, that's right. I was reacting to the way he got into it the clunky segue it's always great in stand-up comedy where you tell a story about your childhood when you were humiliated and you segue hard and y'all like slurpees right so anyway the ice five have committed to sailing east towards Donkey Land where they hope to find new allies in the battle between the good folk in Dame Island and the vile giants who have mutated and are flying around and murdering people and shit.

They've got time both a couple hundred feet off the coast and they're deciding how to proceed as the sun doth set. Your options include sleeping, throwing down an anchor, and setting up a camp on shore, and sailing through the night. Or jizzing into a jar and throwing it at somebody.

No, we've covered that. Thank you. We're done. Roll the credits. No, we've covered that. Thank you. All right. Five minutes in. We're done. Wrap it up. Roll the credits. Nobody's happy with what I just said. We were trying to have one episode. I was thinking of new stand-up material. My dad died when I was two.

My mom never loved me. Y'all remember Click Clacks? There you go. Love those segues. flex. There you go. Love those segues. We want to stay on the boat,

right? You're a solid. You could try to get your boat right up near the cliffs of donkey land, but it would take another day of travel or you could set up camp and try to sneak your way. I would say based on darks are spotting some giants fighting in the very far distance, you know that the closer you get, there is an innately larger chance someone will attack you while you are in time.

I'm sorry, what time of day is it? It's nightfall. So yeah, I think we should try to stay on the boat, right? And then, excuse me. Sarah, you're fucking disgusting. You offended yourself. Sorry sorry i've been sick for seven straight weeks there's no plus that eating contest have you guys all seen cats is that me and brian have seen cats you guys seen cats there's this thing i don't think as much of a

spoiler but like for some reason while she sings memory god forbid ruining cats hudson has this like oh just just roller coaster of snot going down her lip while she sings memory. And like, you want to be, you can't decide like, did they CGI add this snot, which is very noticeable or are they just so cruel that she had real sad snot come out during her sad song.

That's what it was. And they wouldn't, it's so uncanny Valley. You told me they couldn't edit some snot. They could have, but they wanted, they wanted to keep it in for like realism. But there's so uncanny valley. You told me they couldn't edit some snot. They could have, but they wanted to keep it in for realism. But there's so little realism. As it is, you see their feet slip-sliding because the green screening is so bad,

and all the floors are fake. So it already looks like you're watching the fakiest puppet show of all time. All cats have running noses, don't they? If your cat's nose is running, you should take it to the vet. Yeah, exactly. It truly looks like a gelatinous cube escaping her nostril like one of her one of her eyes is sort of cake shut

with conjunctivitis. Oh gosh, like a lot of eye goop. Yeah. Anyway, pink guy, it's real. You you what no this all we were talking. I don't know. It started because I needed to clear my throat and then that's what began this nightmare sequence.

I just wanted to say I forgive you because I remembered how gross Jennifer Hudson is in comparison to you. Now I have to cough. So please forgive me. My mom's boyfriend died and she blamed it on me. Y'all remember Gator Gum? What is Gator Gum?

Is this a thing? It's a segue joke because because of earlier i thought you were talking about larry the cable guy gator gum so so i think that's a that's a gum that tastes like burt reynolds so it sounds like maybe not make you drool don't take the boat in much closer. Do we want to, but maybe we camp out for safety. Is it safer if we camp out on the boat? I think on the boat, yeah.

And then when the sun comes up, we will. We drop anchor in. But will you try to sail quietly farther east? Maybe just stay where we are, right? Isn't that what we're saying? We don't want to go in. Okay, but so then do drop anchor. Yeah.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. All right. Should we we have it is dropped do you have any sort of night vision or anything i do not i was gonna say if we could do some sort of night recon could you do a segue oh well my mom left me in a haunted house for two hours uh y'all remember wacky packs remember wacky packs that there's so many of them is upsetting no i think you have dark vision yes i do um we do but we can't fly i think we just have what i think blaine was saying i could carry someone yeah i was pointing at chris tallman because you do have uh gus also who does not i do

not think he has dark he doesn't have dark have dark vision, but he can fly. Yes. I was thinking specifically of the dark vision. Do you have dark vision, Dr. Uli? Oh, he does. My mistake. I do. I could probably turn myself into a bird of some sort. We can... Gus has dark vision. Gus, will you scout or are you comfortable? Absolutely. Great. Go do it.

I don't see anything bad right now. What's the worst that could happen? Where do you want him to scout? Just in a circle around the boat? Yeah. Okay. He's going to cut a pretty wide thing. Everybody has full health still.

You can change your spells. If last episode you decided you wanted something different, and this time you want something donkey related. Donkey. Donkey. You are going to be rolling a perception three times okay first one is 22 you know Gus notices there are the sounds of battle in the distance first four hours would you say they are from the same area that we saw them? Okay.

To the east. 18. I notice this is a little less of the same. Last one, 16. Yeah, I mean, he just has this kind of awful feeling about how visible timeboat's going to get if we go much farther east. Okay. Also, with that perception roll, he does notice while he's doing because he's doing like a larger circle per your instructions there is an outcropping like a high

cliff uh and there underneath the cliff there is a small cave that doesn't go very far but he he says you know boss we could probably actually stow timeboat in there because you beat a 20 with one of those perception checks. Let's do that. So you could goonie style kind of like ride it up in there. It's going to take a survival check to make sure you don't smash up timeboat. But timeboat is fortified, so there's a good chance even if you smash it up, it's not going to sink. Great. You just might do damage to the hull, and

I'll keep track of the hit points. Is that what we're doing? Morning rises. Let's do a survival check on timeboat in the Goonie Cave. 19 plus three. Beautiful. No problem at all. It's rough water, but you managed to, yeah.

Just backed it right in. Not an easy spot to get out of, nor is it easy for you all to disembark spot to get out of, nor is it easy for you all to disembark and kind of get like, you know, out of this sort of cave off the ocean, but you feel like the ceilings are high enough, timeboat should be fine here

with the tide. Great. The cave has got sort of a deep lake in it, so it also will probably lower, but not like a ditch timeboat. And you found a good hiding spot for a timeboat. It's going to require, however, you guys get off the boat and walk on sharp rocks out of this cave and then around the outside of this cliff

or we could swim or you could swim or you could fly. I'm going to fly. I'll fly too. I have TikTok made up. I can't actually fly. That's true. Oh, it might be time for some reservoir dog shit. Do you want to use yours or do you want to use mine? But can we get other people to do that what's the yeah i think

we can use up to like a lot of people fegma i don't and um at this point fegma and gruckus confront you guys you're you're finally and they just say uh you know hey what is exactly the should we stay here are you going to be in Donkeyland for like a week? I just want to call that out because last time I did, we didn't want to ditch your boat, but to survive, we had to kind of... Can't you just stay? I mean, wouldn't

this be the safest place for you for a week? It feels safe for now, but yeah, I mean, pirates are... But he's right. We didn't have a plan last time, so... There was, yeah, last time you just... Him, Arthur, I'm just... I'm making it smooth. Oh, you didn't have a plan last time. There was, yeah. Last time you just... Tim, Arthur, I'm just... I'm making it smooth. Oh, you didn't have a plan last time. Oh, no, no.

I mean, I'm saying out of game, we didn't. That is correct. We didn't. Right now, I'm trying to make him feel like it's fine. Okay. Because I think they will be fine for... Even if it was a week, you guys are fine here. Safer here know anywhere else around

obviously if you get attacked whatever you got to do what you got to do we know that ah can you just do us a favor can you uh leave us with enough money where hear me out we can pay the toll and go back to dame island Another 200? To go right now? Correct. 200. So if they find me and Gruckus on boat, they won't give us a hard time. We're just paying our toll back north to Dame Island.

I'm comfortable with that. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah? Sure. All right. Can the chef pack us some to-go meals, though? Absolutely. You want weeks worth of food?

Yeah. Easily done. Like in little boxes and nicely yeah easily cookies okay you get cookies uh trying to mix it up too i'm not i don't want nutter butters every day wraps but not like with kale like with arugula you know like good wraps and um yep that'll last you a week. Okay. You've easily got enough food. And this will mean that you have a plan. After about a week, they're not going to just immediately sail away, but they're going to know that it's longer than you intended. And if there is an emergency,

they're going to try to go to day mine. And we can always, we'll remember to send, if we can, word back in some way. So yeah. Great. And yeah, I would just keep in mind once a week has passed there's a an increasing chance every hour that they could just be going to dunk siri set alarm for one week remind us to check in on chef well chef and your weapons master you're gonna leave two people here i assume you want you're confusing confusing Siri. Hey, Siri, shut up.

Stop listening to me. Why do you always give me advice? I heard Jeff. Calling Jeff. No, Siri. Hello, Jeff. What's up? God damn it. Hey, how you doing?

Hello. I wasn't trying... Oh, hey, did you put that on me? Who? Hello? I wasn't trying. Oh, hey, you put down me. Who is this? Hang up on Jeff. What? Who is that? Is this Fox? Don't worry about it. Better not be hanging up on Jeff. I'm getting sick of your bullshit. I'm going to find out which where you kids

got this number. Siri, God damn it. Take your shit. So you guys get show, you know this is tough, y'all, but my cancer just came back. I don't anyway. You guys hear about this new mountain, new code red here about this new mountain, new code red. So you are my cancer to really come back. That was a segue joke and the oh god god please say the same thing about mountain dew coderad the the party is going to include venus and hoshenka right you're

actually taking them away i think so the group you mean hoshenko with us here's the thing you have you have a plethora of npcs to choose from yeah you have five hoshenka is definitely coming with us hoshenka is definitely coming with but do you want venus with you or do you want veiny he can keep scouting the boat i think venus should stay by the boat right yeah how about yeah venus swim so we say to the two of them venus is the it's the three of you together don't don't ditch without venus and venus do you need anything from us before we go uh no not really. All right.

Our intention is to come back because we've got big stuff to do here, pal. Okay. Good to know. You sure you don't need anything? Well, I will have to feed at some point. So I may have to leave the boat. Just keep that in mind. i can't eat the same thing these guys do so right he needs blood sorry venus i wish there was a way we could help you

with that no it's all good man i'll figure it out all right but yep you'll figure it out uh you're gonna head out i'm surprised that the two of them are chill with us but that is great so you're just gonna leave us with this thing that's like i will need to feed on blood at some point is there well you know what they're they're uncomfortable you can tell they're uncomfortable in general with venus and nothing has really changed right can i say something to everybody away from the npcs sure should we send gus back here time to time to check in to make sure they're not hijacking the boat yeah didn't we do that last time

no last time you talked about it and never checked in we've used Gus in that way before things have changed with us and Gus now so I don't think we want to send him across like a war torn field to be checking in on the boat I thought he was coming back isn't he more himself lately?

No, yeah, but he just doesn't want to be sent on suicide missions all the time. Why don't we... He's totally on your side as far as you can tell, but he has completely regained his memory and free will. Right. Why don't we bring him over and ask him right now? Or we can just wait and see. It really is just a matter of...

If the coast is clear, then I feel like that... Yeah. Just to keep that in mind. Like, we can't just send him freely out choose free will yeah there's I would say in your opinions a slim possibility he could

go rogue or just get lost what does that look like interesting but he no longer operates like a drone is the thing okay okay so maybe have him do it as a favor yeah is the thing. Okay. Okay, so? So we could just maybe have him do it as a favor.

Yeah. And he's very enthusiastic, so seems good. You are going to disembark off now, and so this is like in a little lake. Little, not quite subterranean lake, but you know, way up here there's a cave rock ceiling,

and there's a shore. You guys have the ability to just walk on water for how long? I think it's for, it's for an hour and it's up to 10 people. Awesome. So yeah, you very easily can get everybody walking on water, reservoir dog style,

just out of this lake. How seen do you want us like in like an arrow formation or like a straight line? I think Dr. Uwe did the spell. so he gets to decide. Take your guys off timeboat. Maybe we should be in our flag shape. Oh, yes. Yeah, let's do our...

Marching band formation. Like our Voltron action poses. I don't have my figurine. Oh, no. I have an ice four. Sorry, I'll have to borrow one. So there's a woods a little bit up on the beach. As you guys walk up onto the beach, you notice some sand

and then sort of like a little dune cliff and some woods. You no longer have as good a view now that you're on shore. So you can't quite see the cliffs of Donkey Land. This big cliff that you kind of hid in a cave your boat blocks a lot of it too so you're gonna have to kind of walk you know east for a bit you feel like it's gonna be on foot without any special transportation probably two days until you can get to close proximity to

the donkey land. Okay. Let's look for some donkeys to ride. Oh. You want to just do a donkey check? No. Why don't we do that every episode? There's no place to get like horses or anything like that around here. Right now you don't see civilization. Yeah. But I mean like there's no wild horses. Want to bust your map out?

We'll talk about that a little bit. Sure. Are there like wild horses? Before or after? You don't see any wildlife. I mean right now there's just like a little crab to bust your map out and we'll talk about that a little bit? Sure. Are there like wild horses? Before or after? You don't see any wildlife. I mean, right now there's just like a little crab on the beach kind of just skidding around. Before or after the donkey check. I'm still running 2019 on those. On your donkey checks? Here you go.

All the men in my family die young. Y'all remember the snow cone machine? God damn it. God damn it. God damn it. Alright, so if you guys are all looking at your map, I'm going to pull mine up a little separately. Let's get that one clean. Chris is the only one who

brought it. We're here-ish? Yeah, and you know, up to the north, you've got the Lakes of Worship. But they're mostly behind you now. Okay. That cliff is kind of the one that you kind of buried a timeboat in.

Give me a pointy pencil. I want to point to the map from a distance. Okay, here you go. A pointy pencil. Right in there. Yes. So you guys already found the main cul-de-sac. the cul-de-sac cul-de-sac and you're getting you're heading from here to here and you see just those those sort of shale

spikes coming out of the ground when you're on the boat but from here you're having a hard time seeing because the trees are starting to block your vision uh you don't because the lakes of worship and all this sort of main battleground is actually behind you a little bit. You know, there's fighting up here, but you don't know if there's a town. It might just be wilderness between here and the cliffs of donkey land. And it's still nighttime. It's actually let me think. What did you do?

Well, we camped out. I think you actually camped out and it's morning at this point. It's like late morning. Cause you did all that talking. Can you do a, can you do a recon? Can you do an aerial?

Gus can do that also. Go for it. All right. So keep, you're going to fly up above the tree. Yeah. Take a gun. Uh, whatep, you're going to fly up above the trees? Take a gun. What are you trying to look for?

Give me some specifics and we'll determine what you... Do a donkey check for sure. Well, yeah. So, you're looking for donkeys. Donkeys. Wild donkeys. Domestic donkeys. Jackasses.

Mules. Burro. Burros. And signs of any kind of civilization alright roll a perception check sir alright then take some extra tails and pins well that's probably good let's see what my bonus is

20 wow you see a small village about a mile inland it's difficult to see if there's any life in it but you see the tops of buildings through the trees don't give any smoke or any sort of yes yeah there's a little bit of smoke coming from a chimney probably people there whatever donkeys uh is that all i see uh you guys let's see you do not see any donkeys shit yeah maybe it's a figure of speech the donkeys are actually like mind flayers kind of hope not but it's about a mile all right in this world that would check out

yeah makes sense i'll report back. Okay. So that's the word. It looks like a small village. But it looks abandoned? Well, I just couldn't see anyone, but there was some smoke coming out. We can only get so high up and get a good vantage point, even with that roll.

Well, a mile is like a 20-minute walk here, so let's... Yeah, you can get there in 20 minutes, yeah. Let's take our Fitbits and go. A lunchtime constitutional. Yes. Got to get the steps. Okay, let's do it. So you guys make it to the edge of what looks like a military encampment.

There is no immediate sign of life. However, it's very quiet and you start to see through the trees. It looks like kind of a makeshift barracks and stable. No people walking around. No guards. If you get any closer, you might be able to tell, but you might also be spotted if there's someone

there. I would say cautiously you would all kind of be like, oh, hey, I see the edges of these buildings. Overgrown? Or maintained? You can get closer and find it. You'd have to do a stealth check. Stealth or perception or something. I am stealthy. I could go take a look-see. Is anyone else pretty? You're like, you know, 50 yards through the trees.

I could... Do people... I'm stealthy, too. Darkthir, shall we stealth up and take a look-see? Sure. Great, let's get some checks. And I'll say you're going for the edge of the trees. Hey, I know you're nervous, but I'm really proud of you.

You're pushing through it. 25. Nobody hears you. Roll yourself, Ryan. 21. Damn, you guys do great. You managed to not make a sound as you stealth up. Once you get there, you see there's a lot of tents.

No one walking around. You just hear what sounds like, I don't know, insects buzzing around. You think you see a stable with like a... How do I put this? Donkey? There could be donkeys in it, but you don't see any donkeys yet. You could sneak into the cabin

and then do a perception check. I feel like if there were any animals, we would hear a noise. Doctor, what do you think? I don't know. It's weird, right? So it's a trap or super abandoned? Or a super trap.

It's my favorite thing. We don't see anybody? We don't see... It feels freshly abandoned at the moment. What does that mean, freshly abandonedly abandoned signs of recent occupation. There is a burning fire coming from the barracks looking building from their chimney, but there's no visible how other than like a sort of like this,

the buzzing sound of insects listening off in the distance. How close are giant war sounds? Now I shall give you both a perception check, scouts. Nineteen. Perception. Perception. Seventeen plus.

Three. Twenty. Okay. You can't really hear it. It's just not easy to hear through the trees. So if they all ran to attack something, it's not a giant. So they might be coming back. Or maybe the giant is coming back.

Sorry, I shouldn't be talking. That's all right. You're close-ish. Can we get it closer to the barracks? How close to the barracks? You're basically hiding behind a tree line. You can go up into the buildings. I want to get That's all right. You're close-ish. Can we get it closer to the barracks? How close to the barracks are we? You're basically hiding behind a tree line. You can go up into the buildings. I want to get closer.

All right. Let's do another stealth check. Oh, boy. Get a little closer. I'm reporting this back through my head to Gus. Gus is relating it to everybody else, so you guys know. So if you guys have observations. Gus will act as a conduit if anyone wants to communicate.

What are we doing? Stealth? Yep. Fuck. 23. I'm towering the dice. Bri, Bri, what'd you get? anyone wants to communicate. What are we doing? Stealth? Yep. 23. Bri, Bri, what'd you get? Sorry. Stealth?

Yeah. 16. All right. You don't think you make too much of a noise as you get closer. The barracks... Tripped up the steps, though. There's a warm fire burning in there. The stable, as you walk past it,

you notice there are some sort of animals in there. You can't quite tell because they're indoors behind a short canvas wall. They're not visible. They're not out walking around. They look like they might be just avoiding sunlight or sleeping or something like that. But, you know.

I would take that to mean someone is still here. And you just sort of very gently kind of like nudge this door, Tic Tac, and just try to see in there. And you can see a fire but there's no visible humanoids just through the crack in the door. Let's go back.

They come back. You're regrouping now back in the tree line. So do we want to introduce ourselves? Seems like, yeah. And then did everything look halfling size? Did it look halfling sized? Yes. Okay. I mean, the doorway was tall enough for everybody to fit through,

but you got a halfling vibe off everything for sure. So if the idea is we are coming to Donkey Land as friends and saviors because we want some of them to go back to Dame Island. Then rather than being ninjas, we should walk in and go, hello, hello. That's what I think. Cool. So we walk

in and we go, hello, hello. There's a pause. And then a halfling kind of opens the door to the barracks and says, Oh, hey, what's going on, you guys? Do I know you? I thought you said applause.

We are friends. Oh, okay. Well, welcome to Camp Ha-He. Camp what? Ha-He. Okay. Like he-ha what? Hawhi. Okay. Like hee-haw backwards? Like pre-haw?

Welcome to Hawhi. It's prawhi. Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of a mission right now. So I'm... What's your name? My name is Buckham's Dongledy. Who's your daddy? Buckham's Dongledy. Who's your daddy? Buckham's Dongledy Senior.

Anyway, we're kind of at a loss for troops. I don't know what you need exactly, but I'll thank you kindly not to attack me. I can defend myself. We come as friends. What is the adventure all your friendly friends are on? Oh, there is a pack of of giant dogs a kennel if you will that we were attempting to infiltrate and um we lost some of our best

operatives they were they were you know kidnapped by the giants and so we sent as many of our trips as we were kind of we're kind of down to just me right now. I've got one scout and then me, but my scout's just, you know, a pixie. So, you know, hopefully everything's going to turn out fine. But right now, a little short on manpower. So there's no equipment, no food. Sorry. Don't come looking for handouts. Well, we love to kill giant dogs.

Have you killed giant dogs before? Well, it sounds like something we'd be good at they're real scary so we were hoping to kill them all we had an avalanche and it didn't work out so there's just a bunch of giant dogs out there and all your people got a giant bag and a giant river well people didn't get crushed they got So, so the giants have them now. Yep. Okay. So,

and you're just going to hang out here until hoping for reinforcements. They should check in in about a week. Um, so I'm just trying to hole up here and hope nothing goes wrong. Wow. Great plan. Holy shit. Look,

I'm a pretty optimistic. I mean, where do the reinforcements come from? Well, the East from come from? Well, the East from donkey land right now we're on the outskirts of donkey land. So if we head over to donkey land, would you like us to take a message with us or anything? Oh boy.

Yeah. Tell him to send reinforcements real quick. We really need our operatives out of there. We've got some really important abyss droppers that have been kidnapped. And yeah, Tom Buckham's Dongledee says I could use some backup. Why would the giants take

them hostage rather than just outright kill them? Well there's a lot of negotiations of this war as well. You know the giants want to actually take donkey land and use our magics and what have you so for what oh and their war against the other people of clottenheim they're it's the giants take on everybody

well they've got their own you know allies for example i don't know really like who you are and you're one of the evil mechanical men. So you seem nice enough, but I'm starting to get suspicious because of all the intel you want in this war time. It's a little creepy. No, no, he knows that the giant we're here actually on behalf of we heard about the incredibly brave halfling fighters that live in Donkey Land. Those are yes. Yes. the incredibly brave halfling fighters that live in donkey land those are yes yes so we came here to meet and and hopefully three incredibly brave abyss droppers are currently in a giant kennel about three clicks north of here and if you could help us out with that are you asking us to rescue

them would you we'd love to yeah right guys let's do's do it, you guys. Oh, boy. All right. Well, like I said, don't have a lot of supplies. If you want, you can either wait for the rest of the night, and you can see what the scoop is from my scout, or you can just charge right in there with what info I've got, which isn't much. When do you expect that scoop, Scout? Yeah, like tonight, like nightfall.

When's your Grandpa Rick going to be back? Oh, I guess. Reference for bacon. Oh, like tonight, like nightfall. When's your Grandpa Rick gonna be back? Oh, I guess. Oh, jeez. Well, do we want to wait till nightfall or do we want to get going? I mean, we have our own scouts, right? So do we need to... What direction? He's a weird

pixie. It's fine. He's a drunk. He's annoying. oh guys is that your friend hmm didn't you guys have a pixie friend that you oh is it gago perception no it's not i wouldn't tell you if you wouldn't know your character your character would know well now we have to wait to see right we'll wait yeah we'll wait i guess dark there's never met gago right none of these characters have but i remembered even though i didn't really know that it occurred to me he was in a bonus episode yes i do gago has come back for a bonus episode oh wow gago can you imagine so you guys head into the barracks and you he he serves you the most boring like just tea and and

you can tell right away his rations are nowhere near as good as yours. I give him one of our cool box lunches. Oh man, thank you. This is great. Are you an abyss diver? Oh no. What are you? Abyss droppers are super brave. I'm what you might call a uh

moderately brave messenger. So the giants are intelligent and negotiating yeah well they've got their leader and uh he wants like i said our magic so he wants some of our artifacts that we have oh what are those well we've managed to claim two of the artifacts, you know, that were used. By the druids. I'm getting a little nervous. That's all right.

But the king of the giants wants those artifacts. So we're trying to protect them. It might interest you. I'm just a messenger. I mean, I'm a... We understand. I usually don't even end up being the last person here, but I'm just so useless in combat.

I just kind of stuck around. I'll be honest. That's fine. Your pixie friend will be here shortly. Do you have a list of the artifacts that you guys are supposed to be tracking down? He does not have that handy, and again, makes sort of a reference

to the preciousness of such intel in wartime and says he would not even be trusted. They have two of them that they're protecting. Yes. So do we. Do you tell him? No. Okay.

Nice try, Dan. Night falls, and the scout does not show up. And you're warned. Could have called that. This guy is, again, a drunk, and it's unsure how reliable he will be coming back. I think he's dead. Does either Gus or... Well, you should send Gus, because he's got night vision.

Okay. Does Gus... Not because I'm afraid. If he's cool, do you want to go look for the... Not do should send Gus because he's got night vision. Okay, just Gus. Not because I'm afraid. If he's cool, do you want to go look for the, not do anything by the giants, just look for the pixies. I'll come outside with you, but the idea is like. Yeah, yeah, you don't got to watch my ass or nothing. Just give me a perception check, and I'll do a little scout through the treetops.

See that. Whoa, boy, that's a sweet 10, pal. He leaves for like an hour. He comes back. He's just like, well well I'll tell you this I figured out where that kennel was no idea where your scout is I think you may have found

where the scout is where is the kennel it's like three miles north and it's between a bunch of high cliffs I could see why they wanted to have an avalanche come down on it. Seems like that'd be great if you had like some strong folks with some strong spells, but oh man, giant dogs are not what I thought they were.

What are they? They look kind of like dragons. They're like big wormy things with like a bunch of legs. What? So they're not dogs. No. Oh, man. All right, well, let's go.

They don't have wigs. That's good. That's good. Guys, if we can free these abyss droppers, then we will have such a good point of leverage, right? Yes. Let's try. There was a mention.

Here we go. In the letter, there's little left to speak of the cockles of my theoretical heart. Through my blessing network, I do hear tales of startling heroism from Donkey Land. They now hunt the Wormlords in pairs of halflings known as abyss droppers. Wormlords are the giants?

Yeah, those are the giants who specifically use their dogs to attack Donkey Land. Fucking why would you call it a dog? This time, too, Hoshinka says, I'll tell you what, why don't I try solo to sneak in there ahead of all of you, and i will tell you what i see sounds good sure and i will show you something you may maybe you knew i was doing this in the

past when i would break off with such things but she throws her hood up and just gone cool uh that's some drow shit so and some shoplifting shit pockets just full of gum so many tic tacs in Hoshinka's pockets and you just hear a disembodied voice say give me one hour

what do you guys want to do while you wait for Hoshinka I'm heading to LensCrafters. I guess just keep watch. You guys going to set up a little silent fireless camp then? Sure. Silent fireless camp. So what will you

roll if you're having Gus do any scouting or if anyone's looking on their own? You can break off. 21. You do hear a lot of voices coming from

the north. They're speaking in giant. It's a familiar language to all of you at this point though none of you know the words and how they translate um you also hear a strange kind of like guttural hissing howl in fits and spurts that comes in and out of just like animal noises and giants and you think these are the dogs and that they can talk. Oh, Jesus Christ. At the end of the hour, Hashinka comes back and she's like, well, we are pretty fucked.

This is not good. There are three of these dogs and two of these giants. This is a lot, I think, personally. But we do have rocks. You could try to follow through on and drop them. Did you see the hostages? Yes. There are three halflings and some sort of pixie folk.

There was also some sort of giant messenger that came and left, but is no longer there. If we did manage to drop the rocks on them or whatever, would it hurt the hostages, or are they in a separate area? The hostages are in what looks like a deliberately bait-like cage near a campfire in the middle. Let's just go grab them out of that bait cage. What if we go up above and we kill a couple of the guys from above

and then we go down where they're sort of... What if you use the dragon eye to levitate the bait cage? While you debate this, why don't I start building out what this looks like? I was going to tell you guys, my mom once tried to get me to sleep off a concussion. Y'all remember Shrinky Dinks? You're burying the lead with the concussion.

Pretty rocks. You know what? I'm going to put on my insect gauntlets because I can dig through solid rock and I can climb 10 feet. Doctor, maybe in this hour while we're waiting, did you ever attune to that coral? Because I think we got another thing,

but I don't think we ever found out what it does. Does that sound right to everybody? Yeah, I could do that. I could tune to some Carl. You're doing our account check. Uh-oh. 15. Because it occurs to me.

Oh, Jesus. You're not going to be able to fully attune. He's beautiful. Balsa Doom hat. Jeez. Oh, Jesus. You're not going to be able to fully attune. He's beautiful. He's got a pulse of doom hat. Jeez. Oh, man. I'm ready. He is not.

Oh, no. Oh, boy. Yeah, fuck this. There's only five of them and five of us. Oh, my God. I like those odds. Look at the scale. We killed an aboleth, guys. Don't be so defeatist.

Okay, get the figures. All right the scale. We killed an aboleth, guys. Don't be so defeatist. Okay, get the figures in there. All right, well. This is crazy. This is not a great idea. You got to say it like Chevy Chase about to dive into a pool with Beverly, with Chrissy Brickley.

This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. Yeah, this is going to be a real silly little thing. And then I'll just put one of them. This is going to represent all three hostages with this little cage Yeah, this is gonna be a real silly little thing Fire I Mean do we just leave?

Just run out to the parking lot like squealing. Let's do this too. Goodness. Guys, we're never going to level up if we don't start fighting. That's true. Been stuck at six for a while. We're also never going to level up if we don't die. That's also true. Oh boy. This is a lot of giant monsters.

Is that our affluence? Equipment. Pertinent to this combat there are two large boulders so this is north I picked all the wrong spells yeah now

that I put the boulders up someone take a photo of this also because I will need as much reference as possible if this inevitably continues into our next recording and i need to set this up again thank you uh brian is enjoying this a great deal which he's expressing with one of the digits in the middle of his hand he's pointing to the center there oh that's an abyss dropper in a cage. There's no real buildings in this kennel. It just looks like there's... It just looks like they

maybe use this as a spot to gather the dogs. But it does seem like there's piles of bones. That means they've been... Who let the dogs out, right, guys? It seems like they've been... Nobody does because then we'll... For what must have been weeks or months, there's enough bones

and sort of primitive signs of encampment that it does appear they've been here for a while. So for it to get a nickname like a kennel makes sense chronologically speaking, but there's nothing civilized about this. I just thought they'd be big dogs.

Gosh, you guys are so Debbie Downer. I've never seen you guys. I'm very excited. I don't know what to say. She's right. It was a lot. Alright, so do we go up top?

Do we split? Do you have that dragon eye with you? Does he have the dragon eye with him? Oh, the telekinetic thing? Yeah. So that seems like step one, right? Fear, I don't want to kill the hostages. What?

To move the rock. That is the trick. Dodging the hostages with the avalanche. But if he can control it. What's the range on the rock for your telekinesis? It's 10 minutes, 60 feet uh 10 minutes 60 feet so we couldn't be on one and he would reach the other with his telekinesis nobody he could be right here between those two right blanc blanc yeah um let me see i also have Gust of Wind, which might help. I have, oh yeah, Shatter might help.

Let me look through my things. Yeah, potentially if you use the telekinesis in a straight line, you can aim the rocks away from the hostages and at the giants and dogs. Quote, unquote, dogs. When we're looking at the giants, do they seem to have any, like the other one we thought maybe had, like do we see any particular mutations on them? It was difficult for Hoshinka to guess like what they might have mutation wise.

But she did notice that these particular two giants did not have wings. Okay, that's good. However, you know, there are other mutations these not have wings. Okay. That's good. However, you know there are other mutations these things have had. Okay. Well. Oh, everybody Hmm.

Yeah. Everybody do an insight check for me real quick. Oh, I'm gonna I have an idea i have an idea 19 tell me if you break 20 there's a toughie is 5 20 sure isn't is 15 20 no we got no 20s no no so you all listen you know shoot I can't find Hoshinka's May either somebody

spare fella it's not I'll just grab whatever I pull out that's not too big or too small that's your penis I don't have shoot all my things are monsters I don't have any normal all my things are monsters I don't have any normal all my things are monsters the Dan Telfer story

I have a d4 we could use that here let's use this lich as let's just put that over with you guys she tries to describe to you as much as you can to try to help you figure out, and I found another abyss drop while I was digging around. She tries to describe for you what it could mean,

but the behavior doesn't line up, and it just, yeah, there's no further insight. Okay, here's an idea. I can cast sleet storm, and then it'll make everybody slip and fall. Um, hopefully, uh, while,

while you have been flown up to one of those cliffs next to where there's two rocks, right? Then we do the sleet storm. We get ready with all of our attacks, the rocks fall, and then we fall in with our other attacks. Do we want to try and rescue them or is it just kill the monsters

and then hopefully nobody dies in the meantime? Yes. The second one. That's what it feels like. Great. I think so. So we're clear. Look, if we can get to them

to pull them out during the battle, that would be a good attempt. But we're not going into that just so that way nobody randomly just run Leroy Jenkins in there. Unless, as I said, the first thing I said, which was can you levitate the cage

just straight out of there right in front of them? Can you just like, do you know what I mean? Using the dragon? Like straight to us? Yeah, could you just like whoop? You just have giants watching a thing go right to us? Yeah. What if we hide behind a rock?

Well, wouldn't we do some decoy thing wouldn't we like try and knock down one of the rocks and while they react to that then you telekinesis that's what I thought yeah yeah but yeah you do a distraction first you have to pick the telekinesis do we want it for the rock knock over or do we want it for the cave cage like levitate yeah cuz we're we don't have that many of these inside a're inside a cage or inside, aren't they on the ground? They're in a wooden cage. Hashinka says they were all unconscious.

Okay. But it's a small wooden cage and they're cramped in there and tied up. So yeah, I think either of those would work if we want to levitate them out of there. Then the distraction would be like I could fire like an exploding arrow or something like that. And then we would still have to deal with

this giant... We still have to deal with them, but they would be potentially safer because they'd be out of the fray. But yeah, I think... Or we could just... I say we just start avalanching. Yeah. If we're going to use the magic, especially of this potentially limited artifact, let's use it to try and kill these things.

So everybody should get ready with what they're in. Can we try teleporting one of them out of the way? Well, it won't teleport. It'll just move them, though. He doesn't have teleport. He has telekinesis. This is screen jammed. I think everybody should look at what they're going to do.

And there's no way. Can you fly him up here? Yeah, if we split up. Oh, I think the chance is. Fly who? Fly Dr. Rude so that he's ready with their. Dr. Rude can fly himself. He can fly himself.

Oh, right. Okay. We should also spread out, I think. Yeah, some people should be up here. Some people should be up here. Some people should be down here. I guess we can't get on the other side. Caw, caw, caw.

You want me to fly up on that side and try to move that rock? Yeah. I would say you would know. A solo, you would need some. What if I build a lever in Fulcrum? Maybe. Do you really want to do that? Or are you just liking to say those words?

I just wanted to say some words. I like words. I have a couple. Let me see. Because Thunderwave might also work for that. What if you and Kweep went up to the single rock? I could be down here

on the ground. How far, if I'm up on this rock, how far am I from them? From the dragon? I mean, the giants? It's,

it's, it's pretty proportionate. It's like, you know, 60 feet. Okay. So yeah, how about that? Me and Kweep will go up on this rock. Okay. Dr. Uwit is up here, 60 feet. Okay. So yeah. How about that?

Me and creep will go up on this rock. Okay. Uh, Dr. It is up here. Totally hidden. Don't, don't get seen.

And then, no, I just want him to stay safe. And he has like 10 hit points. And then, um, you're going to push those off with the dragon. I,

right. And then dark, their Hoshinkan eye on the ground. Yeah. All right. All right. Why don't you guys, uh, place your minis,

and I'm going to have anybody who wants to get up high do a stealth check. That includes Dr. Ud, and I think... Is it Queep? Is anyone getting up on the other cliff? Halcyon and I are... Am I carrying you up, or are we climbing up? I think you're carrying me, right?

Can I climb up, or is he carrying me? It'll take you a while and a stealth check to climb up. Ow, my wings. What was your stealth check? 18. You think you made it without attracting attention. I better have. I'm fucked. If I fly her up, I need to do a stealth check. It's either Queep does a stealth and an athletics

or you both do stealth. I'm good with athletics. I already did stealth, but okay. Whatever you want. You'll do stealth and athletics? yeah then you don't need your stealth check it's up to Kweep well stealth didn't go so good

that's an 8 8 on stealth and I I landed on some symbols 21 on athletics great well you have no problem lifting how see after can you put your two tokens behind that farting the entire time just sorry sorry all right so oh god sorry no this is helping Oh, God, sorry. He's flying to my way. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, God, sorry. I couldn't help it. I yelled cock-a-loo on my way up.

Yeah, yeah. You had a butterfly flew up your nose while you were flying. Weird. And you said, involuntarily, Queep, you said. Cock-a-loo? I ate a bug. Okay, so before I do this, I do want to say that this is going to make a noise, but I can thunder wave that thing.

I might be able to thunder wave it. Well, that's great because we already made a noise. You make the noise as you land. You hear very clearly, and Dr. Ud, you can even see it. One of the giants says, and just turns around and walks right up to the cliff. I think that works out to our benefit. Well, let's find out. Cast it.

And you just see as he approaches, he just kind of like looks at the two of you behind the boulder. Are you casting, Halsey? I mean, yes. Now, it does say unsecured objects will be automatically pushed 10 feet. I know this is secure. It's basically secure. The question is if we are pushing and I'm thunder waving. You know what I mean? If we're leveraging it off as using

everything we can. What's your spell attack bonus? Well, rock wouldn't be secured, right? I mean, that's true. It's not secure. It's not like... My spell attack bonus is 6. So I'm going to have you roll with your spell attack bonus to dislodge when you cast Thunderwave. Okay.

Okay. So we're doing that. It begins, right? Yeah, I guess so. But I'm giving you this move first, and then everyone will roll initiative. So first, to kick it all off, the giant is staring through you, not quite sure what's happening on top of this cliff. Okay, so am I rolling an attack roll roll are we pushing on the rock well you're not doing any damage with this you're just trying to get the effect so you're doing an attack roll against

the boulder and you need a high enough roll to dislodge the boulder and he's helping me put like we're doing it all as one thing okay very well so i'm just rolling an attack roll against the boulder with my spell attack bonus. Okay, here we go. Or advantage. Strength attack? No, no. This is just to lower the difficulty. I mean, normally I might give advantage.

Okay, 22. So this thing dislodges. Yeah. And just fucking embeds itself in this guy's skull. Nice. He goes down. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. And right on top of the cage, just shatters the cage. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's all right. I agree.

Uh-oh. Dan, that was so mean. Everybody roll for initiative. Dan, that was so mean. They were sleeping, and they were surrounded by loved ones. They could escape it too. I'm not being an optimist.

How could, what are the chances that it would be exactly there? 20. Nice. Tic Tac, what'd you get? 25. That's a hell of an initiative.

Thank you. Halstein, what'd you get? Oh, sorry. You're too busy morning though yeah i thought i was busy um 17 you still get to roll your missions kind of over already our friendship might be over because of what you just did uh darth or what'd you get one of them survived 12 uh what'd you get fucking four yo ah shinkaboshed her initiative hey let us come in and save your friends for you just immediately dead crushed just like before it even starts there's a bunch of donkey land

reporters on the highway to like old timey cameras i will say how did you feel watching their bodies just broke the cage it just broke the cage it didn't break them halcine you feel watching their bodies? It just broke the cage. It didn't break them. You feel confident you utterly, with Queep's help, destroyed that giant. In one move. This boulder had more bludgeoning power.

Oh, lord. Okay. Just don't mind me while all the NPCs roll crits on their initiative. Oh boy. Usually they have terrible initiatives, so this is adorable to me. Okay. All right. So chaos breaks loose.

You guys have disrupted quite a bit uh and at this point you are in combat so i do really need to quickly check does everybody have in their peoples in the right place yeah okay yes dan, Dan, I have my pros in the right place. Does Gus want to be back in a tree or something like that? Does Gus want to be hidden or does he want to come with me? I think

I'd rather scout this one. That's why I'm asking. First things first, this giant is ahead of you, TikTok. He is going to run over here and take a swing at Halcine. Oh, shit. And I'm dead. I crushed five people to death and then just died immediately before the game had started.

That is a 25 to hit. Shit. Uh oh. It's going to be 25 points of slashing damage as an axe flies up at you and hacks across your midsection. Still conscious, motherfucker.

Oh, sorry. I don't mind at all. And on that note, we will say that is the end of this episode of Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam. Hi. What do you think happened?

Well, in episode 53, nasal discharge in a cat can often be caused by a foreign object being lodged in the nasal cavity. Wait, do we have a character that eats blood? I am truly blown away by what I pay attention to each episode. This game has inspired me

to do my own donkey check. Every person we meet has a name that sounds like a version of Benedict Cumberbatch. This figure setup is really impressive. No snark there. Just appreciate Dan's work. I was taking a video so I didn't really pay attention, but did Halcine

help out by crushing a bunch of innocent people? Yep. We don't really know what happened. We just saw that the cage shattered we don't know they're fine they're fine i have i have spells that can help i gotta now i gotta get down there i may sacrifice my own life for that but oh boy anything you want to plug there dan uh just my toaster and because i love toasted bread so much oh wait can i say one thing uh oh yeah why did hal seen i mean i creep was there pushing

the rock with me too right i only saw what i saw that we're both on that goddamn rock up there well one's my baby boy so we'll see nepotism dates on uh brian persane.com and Forever Nerdy you can pre-order it or not Forever Nerdy but Grandpa Metal my record

comedy metal record you can pre-order it everywhere that you would pre-order something you can post-order Forever Nerdy sure and hey

yeah I'm doing Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark with Stacy Keech at the Music Box. This Wednesday, one show, 6 p.m.

Come check it out. Just one, huh? Yeah, it's six. Yeah, a lot of people get injured. All right. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. Why did I close my laptop? I was like, oh, it's time to chill out. You should open it up. You know who needs to close their laptop?

Congress. I don't get it. Why did everybody clap?