Nerd Poker - Episode 54 - Behir We Go

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

The Ice Five are now just trying to not get devoured by behir, the giant dragon-dog-centipede things the mutated giants keep as pets, and that vomit lightning. Oh right, and some halfling heroes got splattered across the ground. Hopefully they're fine.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 54. Is that right? Yes. Yeah. Oh, I knew it. Wake everybody up.

It's already. My friends are here. Hello, Chris. Hello, Brian. Sarah. Hi. Ken. Fasten your imagination belts.

Dan. Fasten your realism belts. Belaine. Fasten your realism belts. Belain. Fasten your crinkling belts. Oh, Jesus. And at the end of the table, as always, Sam. Hi, everyone.

It is Sam. Or is it the beginning of the table? Oh, wow. Oh, shit. It's a circle. I thought of it like that. The table's a circle. Brian, your elbow. No, I know.

It's got a bit to do. Speaking of belts, we couldn't hold our pants up without Patreon supporters who go by names like Jordan Brooks. Thank you, Jordan Brooks. Fake. Thank you, Soma Trinap. Thank you, Fool of a Took. That's fake. Thank you, Chuck Mangione's

Flugelhorn. Real. Thank you, Brian's Marijuana Brain 69. Real. Thanks, Mark, Real. Thanks, Thanks, Thanks, Thanks, Thanks,

Thanks, Thanks, Thanks, Of course. Fake. Fake. Thanks, Real. Thanks, Aiden Gervais.

Thanks, Andy Parker. Thanks, Anne Marie. Thanks, dot dot dot, Congress. Thank you, Deckard Skilso. Thank you, Gluten Free PCP. Thank you, 34.5, which is two dwarfs doing a 69. Thank you, Tony LaRocco.5 which is two dwarfs doing a 69. Thank you Tony Larocco and thank you TikTok is a murder monster. Thank you

TikTok is a murder monster. We'll see. Hey let the record show that I wasn't applauding the Congress joke although I would but I was actually applauding Ken's Anne Murray reference. Well it is time for me to now applaud myself via the recap known as

What Happened Last Time on Nerd Poker. The Ice Five decided to take their adventure in the direction of Donkey Land. They met up with a little halfling and decided they would see what was up with a scout. Was there, in fact... I'm sorry, was Mavis farting really loud? I heard a grinding noise. It's my teeth from over here. Was it? She's asleep.

It sounded like a Dutch windmill was slowly breaking apart in a tornado. Or she was farting. Anyways, the Ice Five decided to check out a little lead they had on some heroes of Donkey Land, some abyss droppers who were held kidnapped by some giants and their dogs. They tried to sneak up and drop some giant boulders on them and, well, they started to.

They caved in the head of one and then the giants all came for Halcine who helped push off one of the three rocks they were thinking about dumping on everybody also PS those giant dogs are big fucking lizard dragon things

alright you guys so yeah they don't really look like dogs no uh for listeners at home these are monsters called little something. I'll give you if you guys all want to do a quick little check. Who wants to do their choice? You can either do a history or a nature check. You can all try it out.

Doctor, you're made out of nature, aren't you? Yeah, you could say that. You'd be partially right. I got a 19 on history. We're all kind of made of nature, except for you, TikTok. I will give Halsey something. Although you do have some natural elements in you. Anyone else rolling or are we doing bits?

Rare earth elements. I rolled, but it was low. Like loudnum. You have any loudnum? Probably. Okay, good. I'm going to lick TikTok for his loudnum. What if you lick shutting the fuck up?

Hey, so Halsey, you remember hearing about these things a long time ago in your childhood, back when you read about them in a library in Vindaria. These things are called behirs. They actually hate dragons. They are known to attack them on site and were trained by some frost giants in the mountains before they all started mutating from the comet and such but uh it looks like there's more of them in one place than you've ever seen okay and it's uh already troublesome because the giants run over and started hacking at you of course um but uh you you you know a couple of things about them with that role

you know that they are immune to lightning damage okay helpful uh and also you know they are sentient um so they know how to speak but they mostly only speak draconic uh so that's probably what those strange guttural noises were that they were talking to each other in there is also a chance these particular ones know giant as a language okay but uh that's about it you know these things could swallow you whole they have lightning powers and they are known for uh strangling humanoids with their long serpentine like bodies. Back to the action. So a giant just went up and hacked at Halcine.

Now, I gave that to him as his reaction of sorts. I am now going to say, hey, Blaine, Dr. Uid was holding for the same moment, though. So before anyone else gets to go, what is Dr. Uid going to try? Now, this is going to be out of turn order. So you guys will notice Dr. Uid does go again rather soon. So I had used the telekinesis spell to throw one of those rocks, right? You had talked about doing it, but you did not do it yet. So this is the time to say that is happening uh and uh and there's still these things down

there uh-huh yeah i'm gonna um i'm gonna crush them with the the rocks okay telekinetically i'll also allow you to throw it at the one currently chopping at hal seen with an axe if you want to okay i'd love to do that thanks dan yeah i just wanted to be clear in case Blaine missed that. I saw him reading while we were talking about you being chopped by an axe. No, I was just making sure that I was... Great. This will be super simple. I'm going to just need you to do a spell attack roll versus this

giant's armor class. 19 plus... Sounds really good. Plus 6. So 25. 25. Their armor, so 25. 25. Their armor class is 15. So this is going to lay in him.

I'm just going to roll to see if he is instantly dead. Let me even roll. What innocent people might his body crush? Find out today on Nerd Poker. Great point. Who cares? I'm going to need Hoshinka and

Dargthor to do a dexterity saving throw. Uh-oh. He might fall backwards? Okay. Trust fall. That's a one for Hoshinka. 24 for Derek. Okay, so you're going to be able to get out of the way as you see this thing coming.

Hoshinka is going to take some damage. Sorry, you okay? Did you just hurt Blaine's feelings? Blaine and I are sharing space today. Oh, how's that going? It's okay. We're going to draw a dotted line

down the middle of the apartment Laverne and Shirley style. Ooh. I'd love to see you guys share a tiny house. That would be cool. Yeah.

So she's just going to take 17 points of damage? It's in our new show. Tent! Exclamation point. This guy's dead. Can two giant guys live in a tent?

Good job, Blaine. Jeez. Shinka is currently pinned. She's pinned. Uh-oh. Good job, Blaine. Jeez. She's pinned. That's a big deal. We killed the leaders of these dumb dogs. Blaine gets all the applause. You did the

key thing last week. Everyone's giving me a hard time about killing all the hostages. It's true. Everybody was roasting Sarah. Just because you killed the people we were here to save. If you go back and listen, I have not cared at all about those people. I'm sorry.

I've been more positive about what you did. As a defense. If I'm being honest, I don't care at all about what happened. Oh, this is where we all get real. Who else don't we care about? Besides NPCs. I gotta be honest. When I killed that little kid, when we lit that kid up, at all about what oh this is where we all get real who else don't we care about besides you're right npc i gotta be honest when i killed that that little kid when we lit that kid up it really it really didn't uh really bothered me for a couple of days yeah oh i know it really affected

me there was one night i couldn't sleep i was like like waking up playing and i texted on yeah but this is the middle of the night about that yeah i felt really terrible about it that is one of the only dungeons and dragons things where i felt real human remorse about uh quit bringing it up all right so uh up next uh we're going to real turn order now tick tock you're up uh you just saw a giant collapse in front of you and dark they're kind of skip out will run to hoshenka and try and use my action can i like yeah strength check please yep is this like gonna well you know what oh i'm sorry um no please do your bit first and then i'll just gonna say this is this might be karma for the kids oh they're not kids i don't know how many times we're going to say this.

They're halflings, ladies and gentlemen. It was a bucket of Baby Yodas, right? She crushed a bucket of Baby Yodas. They all had those big, dark eyes that stared. Baby Yoda would use telekinesis back and keep it off him. Strength check? I just love the idea that somewhere the mock-up doll of Baby Yoda they use on the show is just in a shed in the dark staring at the ceiling, motionless

with its arms laying out. Did you see the cute picture? The cute picture of George Lucas holding Baby Yoda? It's only a 10. No, can't quite do it this turn unless you want to expend something for an extra action which I don't remember if you have that. Expense something?

Some people have that ability. I think maybe Brian does. I mean, my only bonus action thing I can do is like a, you know. I don't think you have. I don't have anything. Okay. I tell her it's okay. You're only pinned. This is not good.

Then we've got one of the Behears. She has an accent? It's a running guess. How's shinking? Thank God you said it, Brian. All right. The Behear is going to...

It's a one-facing. He's going to go for Queep. Hey. That Queep art we got online was fucking... Oh, my God. The cereal box is dynamo she did the my album cover for my first ep some 12 years ago but she's like a new york ucb person great because i really love jay ward and it was so yeah it reminded me all that stuff uh this is gonna uh you're gonna see queep, a line of lightning bursting forth from that

Bahir's mouth pointed at you. So you're going to need to do a dexterity saving throw. I'm totally going to die. Blaine, how are you today? I'm pretty good, Brian. I was just about to say say I was working on a show that was involved with Henson a little bit little Henson adjacent

and I went down to the Henson lot and they go hey do you want to see the creature shop I went to the creature shop and I'm looking around the creature shop there's like dark crystal stuff and like utility muppets here and there and then I turn around and Miss Piggy is looking right at me.

She's just on a stand and she's just lifelessly looking right at me, but she was beautiful. She was really beautiful. It's like, wow, hi. Remind Kermit. You know what, it's like, she would come up and she would yell and she would

chew the scenery and make a big deal out of stuff, but it's like, Kermit, she loves you. She loves you. He's a dick. What's up? We'll be right back. Remind me, Ken, are you raging yet? I did not start raging.

You did not start raging? I don't believe so. Okay, well. Lowest energy rage. I know that would reduce my... Quiet raging with Ken Daly. So you are going to get hit with

we're going to do all of the damage. 16 wasn't good enough. It's going to be I'm going to reduce how many dice I actually have to roll here and just do the suggested. You're going to take, you can have

this 66 points of lightning damage oh 33 are you down no okay good I'm down some hit points tell you that much geez Louise ain't got a tap huh let's kill these fucking dogs and then we have another but here this one's gonna come for dr. Ood of course he is this thing is gonna run up sort of skitter centipede like up the rock but yeah gross look like that it was a super gross tell you what it's gonna try to bite you, Blaine. Okay. This is going to be a... 12 to hit. That's a miss, right?

Armor class 13. All right. Just barely missed you. He's now going to try to wrap his body around you. Gross. 28 to hit. Oh, no. That's a miss, right? No. rubbing 28 to hit. Oh, no.

That's a miss, right? No. All right. You're going to take 17 points of bludgeoning damage and you are now grappled in this thing's tail. It started out good. Started out very

interesting Dr. Ood you are up let me see what can I do to get out of this thing so you're restrained that means your speed is now zero you can't really move attack rolls against you have advantage and you're gonna you would make a like a

contested check against him if you want to use an action to break free okay so I'm how big is this thing compared to me it is qualified as a huge monstrosity. Oh, so it's three D and D sizes larger than you. Vanity sizing. However, what is that in European? If your reason for asking is because you want to do wild shape, uh, I would,

I would have him do a penalty on it on a check to see if he could, if you could automatically just break free oh a check for me yeah uh yeah because i was gonna do that okay what you're gonna wild shape into i think i was gonna wild shape into a bionic squirrel wow that is not allowed what else what else what else uh i could probably get into I was thinking something lizard like something like a snake something Komodo dragon-y something where I would be able to

sort of get out of coils and slink away rapidly okay if you do that I will let you just do a dexterity check and you're going to be against this guy's dexterity check, and you're going to be against this guy's dexterity, which is a 16. Wild shape.

Wild shape. 15. So not quite. But you are now a snake held by a behir. Okay. Can I just check something? I have danger sense, which says I have an advantage on dexterity saving throws against effects that you can see. Correct.

Would that give me an advantage against the lightning? It would have, but you already made the check and halved it. Oh, okay. So you would have done the same. I'll just roll again. Okay. Thank you. Yes.

Up next, we have Halcyon. Thank you. Yes. Up next we have Halcyon. Alright. I am going to because I must cast Cure Wounds on myself. Okay. So is that just automatic? I haven't used this. You do have to roll the amount of healing

but it's an automatic success yes I'm gonna roll I'm casting it at second level great so there's extra dice oh nice

oh wow you rolled really well that was an eight and a six right yeah plus my spellcasting that was an eight and an eight oh shit spellcasting modifier

nice you guys we have sweet heat skittles in the house where'd those come from the past you guys come with me if you want to live really Guys, we have Sweet Heat Skittles in the house. Where'd those come from? The past. You guys, mama. Come with me if you want to live.

Billy? Hello. We've had a listener send some. Oh, yeah. Yes, thank you. Sorry to distract you mid-numbers. No, it's quite all right. Yeah, I got 22 points back so great

fantastic almost all the ones he took from me is there anything else you're going to do on your turn i don't believe that i have that ability but thank you for asking sure thing uh next the family just got home uh cool will you grab that for me ken will you shut the door I have to make a Bahir move Bahir is going to come for Dargthur no such bullshit he's going to try to bite you don't let him

just say no make your body slick don't bite I'm serious that is going to be a 21 to hit. So that's a hit. Yeah. I said don't bite.

No biting. Why are monsters always biting? All right. That's going to be... 20 points of piercing damage fuck you the Bahir not you and now it's going to try to

constrict you 19 to hit yeah but don't I get to try to not be constricted? Do you have a reaction that allows you to... I mean, this is a Dungeons & Dragons thing. They roll to hit you, and if it beats your AC,

then it's happening. Sam, that was a D&D snap. Hey, take that. What was the insulting part? I'm not sure. You're going to take another four points of bludgeoning damage, and you're now wrapped up in its tail. I said fuck you.

Do you feel, like, soft and protected, though? No. Do you feel like somebody is gently caressing your body? Maybe just let it take you into the dark night a familiar lover's touch yeah it seems like they maybe they just want to hug their dogs right maybe they just need some affection yeah they're like they're just like maybe we can turn this around through the power of love all right so dark through our up um right All right, so Darkthru are up. All right.

Then how did we figure out my stabbing goes now? You get to make an attack and an offhanded attack twice. uh but you're you know uh you're rolling i don't know if you remember you're restrained right now so you're rolling with disadvantage on each of these you have to take the lower number on each attack okay it's a whole lot of dice rolling do you have to fucking thing he lost his flange. You have to roll four attacks twice. Four attacks twice. Take the lower number. Shit. What's that?

Five. Nope. These rolls brought to you by Bond Me Skittles. These rolls are real shit. Taking you back to the old country. Bon Me Skittles Taking you back to the old country Bon Me Skittles I'd try it Twelve on that one Hey should we while this is happening

Maybe have some battle music We could settle for that. Or instead of letting that nightmare continue. That's like the clown maze. One of those clown mazes. What do I need to do to hit it? 17. The clown maze.

Oh, that's better. Oh, yeah. That's much better. Not scary for him. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Fix. This music is called For Clottenheim. It is made by a Patreon supporter named Newtans. Awesome.

For Clottenheim. They're all shit. I didn't get anything. All right. Sorry to hear that. Fuck, man. It is a brutal turn of events for Darkthor. Hoshinka is up.

She is going to try to break free of her own restraint. She did better. Can you pull Hoshinko out she is out um unfortunately that is her turn but she is freed she can't move at all um even if like well she had to do a strength check to lift it um she did use five you know what she can move yeah why don't you put her kind of where you've got Gus so she'll kind of fall back yeah yeah thank you um great point thank you for telling me she could move creep you're up I'm gonna summon your bird friends I'm gonna rage okay yeah first of all I need help tick tock when you get a chance, I'm coming. I'm going to fire my crossbow at the thing that shot me. Roll to attack.

By the way, new Tans is real name is Pat. Thank you, Pat. This is awesome. Music. This is a listener. This is a listener.

Yeah. You were, you were busy crying and being all emo about being restrained while I was announcing this. What the fuck did that happen? I was just trying to stab this guy. 14. 14? It's a mess.

Turd face. Alright. I've got another action. Yes. I'm going to... I'll another action. I'm going to... I'll fire again. Okay. Worse.

I'm so sorry. I love having this music. It's great. It's great. Getting pumped up. You need a 17 to hit these guys. I did not get a 17. I'm sorry. It makes me feel like I'm about to find out a little bit more about Ephraim Zimbliss Jr.'s home life.

This would be where there would be a giant's turn, but they're dead. Tick tock, you're up. Cool. I will. Let's see. How do I want to do this? I want to kind of come around some sort of the maximum movement, staying flank. I want to flank the

far side of this creature that's grappling Darkthor. And then I want to shoot him with an arrow. Sounds awesome. Thank you. I'm going to I haven't done this before. I'm going to do this sharpshooter, which means I take

a negative five. But if I get him, I get a nice amount of damage. So it's a four. So it's a fourteen. Shit. Nope. I'm going to do the same thing one more time. Out of the box.

Fuck! That's a same thing. Th did do a goddamn thing brutal uh low rolls against these guys uh this guy is going to try to run up and bite you queep um but there's not enough room for him to stay so he's going to try to run up and bite you again and he you again. And he misses again. So you just see this guy skittering up a really steep incline trying to get at Queep and chomping. And Queep is able to just dodge side to side. Then we've got the guy with Dr. Ood

is going to try to swallow him. That's okay. I have a plan. Make yourself taste bad. Oh, I'm going to swill up with puffy spikes. Lodge in his windpipe. I'm taking us both out. Bad news. 23 to hit.

That's a miss, right? All right. So you guys see Dr. Uwud just kind of disappear down this thing's throat. Uh-oh. Jesus. Quip, you got to get over there, right? You're the only person who can. So, Dr. Uid, you're up.

Here's what's happening. You're currently blinded and restrained. Uh-huh. And you are not taking acid damage yet, but you can feel this thing is trying to digest you. And it's gotcha. So you can attack, but you're rolling with disadvantage to try to use whatever you're doing. If you use a physical attack, you can still cast spells.

Okay. You are blinded. Well, I have a thing called call lightning yeah uh call some light i will i will remind you this thing is immune to lightning oh it's immune to lightning yes but the lightning damage you know like you could still do some kind of force activity if it was the kind of lightning that also aren't you inside it yeah i'm inside it yeah okay here's here's uh i'm gonna ask you a couple of a couple of couple of questions if you don't mind yes sir uh a moon beam hitting this thing is gonna probably

hit me too i would i would assume uh not necessarily no uh if i poison sprayed it from the inside was is that going to affect it yes because i'm inside i'm inside its throat it'll hurt real bad maybe i can make it expel me if I poison spray it. It would do a constitution saving throw if you did that. It's a cantrip and I would like to do a poison spray and if at all possible, then light it up afterward. Well, maybe not light it up. Forget it.

Tickle its uvula and maybe it'll throw up. I want to throw up when you say uvula. Hopefully it's bulimic. So 19 to hit. That's a hit. And 2d12. Nice.

This is about to be so fun. Do you do extra damage if you're inside it? Doesn't it feel like you would? 13. Exposed innards. 13. So... 13 so seven that's just my opinion you can't dodge it if it's inside you yeah also it's like your your mucus membranes are taking all the damage i mean that's got it oh maybe i'm letting that happen maybe i'm not dungeon master secret hey blame do a dexterity saving throw to try not to get shot off the top of this mountain

how about a 20 this 20 count yeah how about a 20 20 count so you let me get shot off the top of this mountain. How about a 20? Does 20 count? Yes. How about a 20? 20 count? So you get dropped in a pile of vomit right here. And that's the beginning of this episode of My Name is Earl. You just see this thing. This thing just pulls an alley cat.

Just and just like hacks him on the rug. Not on the rug. Not on the rug. Congratulations on the rock. Uh, congratulations. You are no longer being digested. How senior that was close. And it smells better than my aftershave. Goodbye.

Karate. Can I get down to those? The, the cage at all? Or absolutely. It's, it's rough terrain to get down the front. So you're going to dead though.

Is it? No, no, it just took, this one's not dead either, but this? No. This one's not dead either. This is the first time any of them took damage. This guy has acid in his tummy. Responsibility to get to the cage.

You're looting their crushed bodies? We're in the middle of a fight. Sarah gave Chris a look for being a dickhead. She almost killed Chris too. For listeners at home, Sarah took her D&D mechanical pencil and just jammed it in Chris's leg while he quietly didn't react. I am going to descend to the hillside and try to see if any of these guys are stolen. It's going to take your whole movement to get down the front,

so you'll be right by this thing's feet and such. So if you can move your mini. But then that's not your action. That's your movement. Oh, it is. Okay. Am I at the people then? Or at their bodies?

Yep. Is anyone alive? They all look like they could be alive. None of their bodies are dismembered. The cage has been shattered. None of them are pinned under the giant. You think they... They all were probably wounded,

but none of them look necessarily fatally wounded. Okay. Do a perception check if you want to know for sure. I'll let you choose. Perception or medicine? I will do medicine because I have a proficiency. Which means I get to

So that's a 25. Yes, they're all alive. They look very very hurt though. You think that even if you woke them up, they're all alive. They look very, very hurt, though. You think that even if you woke them up, they might not be in the best battle condition. No, yeah. But they are warriors, so. Also emotionally. Okay, then I guess.

Ah, man. Because I could either start healing them or I can attack this thing that's probably going to turn on them. I don't want to draw attention to their bodies. This is tricky. Okay, I'm going to... I guess I've got to go attack this guy. So I'm going to try to get him as Ken suggested.

And I'm going to use to do that something called... It goes a little something like... Hold on. Sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. It's called Sleet Storm. Ooh.

I'm going to make freezing rain and sleet fall in a 20-foot tall cylinder above him. The ground in the area will be covered with slick ice. This is awesome. And if he fails a dexterity saving throw, he's going to fall down. Is he going to go boom? And I hope so.

And then if he's concentrating on anything, any spells, or if he has to do that at all, then he has to make a constitution saving throw or use his constitution. Unfortunately, no spells are happening. All right. I'm just going to hope that he does. So he just does a dex save? Yeah, that's all I got to do right now.

All right. How does an eight sound good to me how's the sound of you great so he's gonna fall down go boom he's taking damage also he's in no he doesn't take any damage he's just on the ground but um but you know that's a start is what it sure is it's very slippery around there now too so he's gonna have trouble and he's so embarrassed in front of all of his friends falling down like that. As I believe is the tradition when embarrassing things happen on this podcast, we declare that a crowd of cheerleaders all walk past and saw it happen. Also, it puts out any fires or flames that are in that area, too. That's a cool effect that is not currently applicable, but would be good to remember.

And the area is heavily obscured. Oh, interesting. Wow, so he's kind of faded and can't really see anything. Basically, freezing rain is falling on him and there's like fog and sleet. Whoa. All right. His commute is going to be real tough. Up next, we've got the guy who is

restraining Dargthyr. The guy being the Bahir. He is now going to try to bite and swallow you. That's a natural 20. Oh, no. So you're going to take... Should I make him fall down?

Did that help anybody? 13 points of piercing damage. And you all see this thing kind of reach its neck back use its tail to descend dark sir down into its source so dark sir again you're going to take um you're blinded and you're you're going to get uh disadvantage on attack rolls but spells you can still do um and you it's your turn you're in the gullet of a behir what would you like to do It's your turn. You're in the gullet of a behir. What would you like to do? Not be in the gullet

of a behir. I'm in the gullet? In the gullet. He's very carefully staring at his... This is probably... This is probably... What if I cast lightning arrow

resistant to lightning immune to lightning but inside him just chop him just inform Blaine of this unfortunate thing because he has a good lightning spell too these guys are real unfortunate for your party

can I try chopping at him? Yeah, but it's disadvantage. So what do I have to roll again? Eight times. Eight things. Eight double rolls. For the love of God. So he has four attacks now?

He does. Well, he has two attack actions, and he can use a regular attack and an offhand in each. That's because he's a gloomstalker? Yes. What is that? It's a ranger thing. A ranger thing. Roll two 20s at a time, and then you'll take the lower number. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah. So it's sword, dagger, sword, dagger, and you gotta do two dice for each time. So now they're 20. Enjoy this one. This one's too high to read this one's easy to read oh that's a hit cool nice even the low one is huh so then what do I roll your damage attacking you're gonna roll damage for a successful hit.

Thanks, buddy. So roll your damage on your first sword hit. Alright. I already had him roll his constitution saving throw. He is going to be able to keep you down for this hit. Boo. Please give me the damage. Four plus four.

Five. Alright. Roll your next attack. Two. All right. Roll your next attack. Two 20s, please. No. All right. Roll again. This will be next sword.

Eight plus six. Nope. No hit, right? All right. And then your final attack your dagger what's all again the lowest is six all right so sorry to hear that doctor um Hachinca god damn it damage he's gonna go and try to stab this thing that's got dark sir that is a hit what is she doing who's trying I so Hachinke is running up to the but here that's gotir. And she takes out her longsword and just starts carving up.

I'll take it. So that is 23 points of damage to this thing. And then she's going to swing again. Like we did last summer. Did the music go away and then come back? Uh-huh. It's on a loop. Yeah, we did a little commercial break. I like it. To live, commercial break. I like it.

To Lev Parnas, Lincoln Mercury. Hey, Brian. Do a dexterity saving throw. Crit. So you take no damage as this thing vomits you right over Hashinka's shoulders yeah hey you and i are in the vomit club we already were barf brothers

that's my favorite discovery channel show barf brothers all right creep you're up i'm going to fly over to this fucker you don't have the really how far is it it's about 55 feet how far can you go one turn is it 60 because then yes I guess it's on your character sheet ding-dong no I know boy Sam you're missing some gold it's all going down over here you're moving to the top of your page

you know next to proficiency it's in between proficiency and initiative got it it should be different for flying though I'm gonna look your sheet up my god damned self hang on one second Got it. 35. It should be different for flying, though. Yeah, there's nothing for flying. I'm going to look your sheet up, my goddamned self. Hang on one second.

How are we doing that? Is it possible that Brian's thing is a bonus action? I'm wondering because about the two weapons. He has a thing called two-handed combat. The way that I picked for my fighter specialty. I think arcane Archer I didn't think that gave you a two Every attack 50 feet flying okay I'm asking cuz green I had a similar thing that I would be there's a thing called two-handed attack you get there

Yeah, and normally in this face when you you can roll attack with your offhand and normally you don't get a bonus to your damage He has it so he gets his bone his damas bonin bonus to your damage. He has it so he gets his damage bonus on the damage the same as a regular attack. So that's why somebody described it as a Swiss cheese. So he basically can go

stab, stab, stab, stab, and each one can be... I thought only one offhand attack was the bonus action. You only get one bonus action per turn. It's not a bonus action. It's a two-handed attack. Yeah, it's a change to how he uses his attack in general. We've been doing it wrong, apparently. Yeah, in fact, I think we...

Chris helped me look it up as also part of it. It was weird because listeners kept telling us, it sounds weird, but... And it turned out that yes. Anyway, I'm going to... Oh my God. I'm going to battle axe him in the face. Okay.

Yeah. Great axe. Great attack. My phone won't turn on. Will somebody take a photo, by the way, of Queep in this thing's fucking face on top of the rock? I love that you flew across the cavern with an axe. What are you screaming at him?

That's an 18. That's a hit. Cock-a-lock. Cock sucker. I wish you did more of a quick like cocksucker. Thank you. Oh, and that's

a 16. Beautiful. 16 points. All right. And you are raging. So you get to go again. Doing it again.

That was a 13. That's a miss. So I missed. All right, TikTok, you are up. I will shoot at it regular style. I'm not going to do the sharpshooter thing, so I'm just going to shoot it with my longbow. Okay, please do.

Oh, so that's a 19 to hit. That's certainly a hit. Okay, I'm going to light so that's a 19 to hit. That's certainly a hit. Okay, I'm going to light that one up with the exploding arrow. So it's adding 2d6. So it's 6 and then 5, so it's 11 points of damage. Oh my goodness. And then I'm going to do the same thing one more time to attack. Is this thing still alive?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, none of those have really been hit that much except... Oh, it's a one, Dan. Ooh, damn it. Roll 100, please. Guys, remember when I hit the first time? That was awesome. Oh, my God.

That was great. Remember? Ooh, a three. Great, nothing happens. Cool. Easy botch. And then I will maybe continue. I used my easy botch oven the other day. I'll continue through a flank

around so we can maybe gain advantage on these guys. Okay. Up next we have the Bahir that is currently in a sleet storm. He's going to use some of his turn to get up. So if someone can try to stand him up. So with the sleet storm, that means does he have to roll to stand?

I mean, I assume it says the... Difficult terrain means his movement speed is halved. The duration is up to one minute. The ground in the area is covered with slick ice, making it difficult terrain. When a creature enters the spells area for the first time or starts its turn there, it must make a dexterity saving throw. And on a failed save, it will fall prone.

So I assume it has to keep fall down. It rolled a three. So it goes back down. Fuck you. And yeah, he's just going to try one more time with the rest of his movement speed. 14. Uh, and yeah, he's just gonna try one more time with the rest of his movement speed. Whoop whoop whoop whoop!

Uh, 14? Um, it's a dexterity saving throw, and spell save DC is 14. Alright, so he does get up this time. Um, however, he can't move, and he can't see. Then I'll have to dex again the next turn. Yep, exactly. Uh, what a goof that's going to bring us to the behir that is currently looking right at hoshenka uh not too happily i might add this one right up here yeah oh oh that's you okay and you're next it's gonna bite her uh 22 to hit oh god

oh just here so she gets chomped takes 14 points of damage starting to think this was a trap tries to swallow her but she's kicking

around in it's mouth Dr. Uid, you're up. You're on the ground right now. You see Queep above you chopping at this thing's face. Okay, I'm going to do a moonbeam down on this thing. Okay.

Yeah. 15. That's a miss. What do I have? No bonus? Spell attack bonus? My spell attack bonus is a plus six. That is a hit.

Much higher number. I'm glad that you looked it up and didn't just stick with that number you said out loud. You strange boy. 3D10. Does that mean 3 10-sided dice? Yes, it does. Okay, so the first time I've ever played.

One three-dimensional 10-sided dice. What? Yeah. What? Get out of here. You get out of here. Blamming your dangle. 15.

Sweet. That's crazy. Damn, this one's looking bad good uh up next we have the one up on top of the hill that's facing queep and dr yeah he's getting double teamed to death it is now halcyon's turn um all right then i'm gonna cast shatter on this slippity-sloppity bobbity-boppity guy here. And a sudden loud ringing noise, painfully intense, will

erupt from a point of my choice. Each creature within a ten-foot radius sphere centered on that point must make a constitution-saving throw. How's an eight sound again? Sounds good to me. Success, success, success. So he's going to take 3d8 to thunder damage.

Nice. Not immune to thunder damage. Ooh. All the classics. Okay, unfortunately he only takes 9 points of damage. Still not too shabby. It's better than nothing. All right. You gonna run around or anything?

Oh, you should run around. Just a circle. I mean, if you're not gonna move, you might as well run. No, there's sleet all over the ground. Oh, true. Benny Hill section. Okay. That's it? Okay.

I asked you a question, and then I asked another question and then i was wasting all our time so uh this guy's gonna try to bite you creep and it's gonna be a 26 to hit is it isn't he isn't he affected by the moon beam oh yes uh do you have yourbeam card or do I need to look this up I think I have my moonbeam card I applied for my moonbeam card when the creature enters the spells area for the first time on a turn starts this turn there is a gulf the ghostly flames cause searing pain must make a

constitution saving throw Oh five he's gonna take more damage. What kind of damage is that? That's another 1d10. That's you. Pick up the 10-sided. Why are you staring? It's 2d10 radiant damage on a failed save. Yeah, he failed. Even better.

Get him. Fuck him up. Get that guy. He's not nice 14 wow all right uh it's better than a kick in the nuts i don't know let's try it out it's a guy that compares everything to kicks in the nuts he's real positive uh he looks like he's barely standing his cousin uh however he he does bite, creep, and creep. You're going to take 26 points of piercing damage.

He flops out of the sky in front of you, Dr. Uwud. You're really down? Yeah. I just bit him. Somebody save him. I don't go beyond zero. Unless you go beyond... Yeah, if you go

negative, your maximum hit points are dead, dead. And then we've got Darkthor. Hey, Darkthor. Hey. You're on the ground covered in digestive fluid. Oh, I'm sorry. You are. My mistake. I have two points. Two hit points left.

You're still flying, even. But you're in rough shape too. It's like both you guys could die any second. Yes, anyway. Dark Thorn. This guy right in front of me? Yep. I'm shooting hail of thorns at him. Okay. That's what I'm doing. I'm casting it and then I'm going to shoot an arrow

at him. It's better than the halo kitty. Tell us what happens, please. I can barely read these with my glasses what happens, please. I can barely read these with my glasses on. The Halo Larry? I will help you out. The next time you hit a creature with a ranged weapon attack before the spell ends, the spell creates a rain of thorns that sprouts from your

ranged weapon or ammunition. In addition to the normal effect of the attack, you still roll to attack. The target and anyone within five feet must make a dex saving throw and then take an additional 1d10 piercing damage. Nice. Well, is it? Where is he?

Right there. So you guys are also going to have to roll then, right? I'm in arrow range. Within five feet? Yes. I'm shooting at his face. I'm shooting up. They won't be five feet away. All right.

Yeah. Or no. You said it was three times D&D creature size. He's huge. Yeah, you're right. You know what? You're right. He is huge.

He's technically huge. I love all of you. I just want someone to die. I've tried so hard. I tried to die I know it's just oh twice or what do it I'm covering you're going your range weapon roll your weight range weapon so roll your your Bowie bow but because I'm engaging him does he get advantage are we doing that thing oh shit yes You roll the advantage because he is flanked. Cool.

Cool. 11. So I'll take... The first one is... 16 hit. That's a miss. Okay. Are you still inside this guy? No.

That was two days ago, Blaine. Well, that's it then. You rolled with advantage? Yeah. But you get two attacks that unfortunately rolled with advantage yeah okay but you get two attacks oh yes just roll twice it's just the hail of thorns isn't gonna hit oh so i take my high or my low hi hi hi oh then that would have hit well then it hit okay and then my second one hits, too. Okay. All right.

And then what do I roll on the... Brian had advantage, and he didn't take it. But he... That's very gentlemanly of him. He didn't... Gentlemanly. I went for the low number because I thought that's... Right, right.

He thought he had disadvantage because he just had disadvantage inside his stomach, but he really had advantage. Oh, my gosh. Look how big that die is. Everything fell. Everything fell. Send help. Right behind you. There's one.

Oh, good to know. I don't have any. It's fine. Ta-da. Ah! Ah, snap. I like the music because it distracts me from all the faces people make at me this game. Everybody's making a lot of sourpuss faces. Everything I do.

Get that puss off your face. 15 total damage on that. All right. Cool. faith 15 total nice damage on that all right cool well you do you guys just see this arrow explode into a rain of thorns smash this guy in the face he's now the second roughest looking to here we're gonna now head on down to a hoshenka town oh oh oh oh oh oh good oh oh go go go I think so you're you're after Hashinka okay great okay so she's missing a hit come on

Hashinka all right another 16 points of damage to all right another 16 points of damage to that here that here and yes queep it is your turn yay And yes, Queep, it is your turn. Yay! Do I get an advantage too because he's flanked? He is not flanked. Okay.

You have to be like close to 180 degrees, and you two are both kind of in his face. Can I do my Loretta Swin impression? No, flank! Although you could fly around him. Yeah, sure. You get it. I'll do it to get an advantage. You're in the air.

I'm going to put him back here. Well, that was two sevens. Oh, that eats shit. It takes names. A 15. No, that's another miss. Son of a gooseberry. All right.

So that was a very unfortunate move. Dan, I feel like you're playing these monsters wrong. We should. I can tell. I seriously have never seen so many people look puzzled and annoyed by everything I say in an episode of this podcast. It's like, what is happening? Thank you again to New Tans, a.k.a.

Pat, for the distracting music. The music's great. TikTok, you're up. I will shoot with my arrow. Now, again, flanking things, so can I roll with advantage? Yes, you can. Coolio. Yeah, I love the giants were the easy thing to kill, and then they're...

Natural 20. Crazy. Natural 20 and a one. How lucky am I? Okay, so that's a natural 20 for the first one. Those are both ends of the die spectrum. I'm going to do the same thing, the exploding arrow. Okay.

So it's this, and then what am I at? Four. So it's 10 double 20 plus four, so 24 damage. That's the first one. Jesus. Second one is going to be a regular arrow. All right, so this thing is just roaring and pissed off now because it's realizing how surrounded it is.

It's a 20, not a natural. Just a 20. Okay, that's a hit. And then, ah shit, five points of damage. Alright, well, that is a shitload of damage. And that guy's next. So he's going to turn around.

Ever now and then. Yes, pivot him towards you, TikTok. Towards Darkthor, you mean? No, towards you, silly goose. That's a bad idea. He is going to vomit lightning on you. I'm going to need you to do a dexterity saving throw, please. Sure.

Why did he eat all that lightning? It was on for sale at the movie theater. Oh, natural one. Welp. Let's get my pencil ready here. Yep. Get ready to write dead on your character. Let's see. Can you do that? No.

Did you trip in all of his puked up gold slugger? Probably. I'm looking for real flecks of gold in his puke. All right. That is going to be 61 points of lightning damage. Oh, I'm out. Fuck.

Just barely, though, guys. He's okay. Can I say this as a doctor? If he's covered in bile, and that bile lines the stomach of this thing, wouldn't that bile protect him from some of that lightning damage? Yeah, he's not really covered

in bile, just lightning. The only people covered in actual vomit bile, if we're going to just get real serious about this blink patch, is Dargthyr and you. Alright. But I like your thinking. Yes. Very sorry. serious about this blank patch is dark, sir, and you. All right, but I like your thinking.

Yes, very sorry. I've come down, rub myself all over you. Tick tock. Did you corpse? Did you hit your negative maximum? Are you dead?

Dead? No. Good to know. All right. Up next is the other here in the slippy, slidy town. Roll to 13. Does he fall down again, Sarah?

So I'm not sure if I cast a spell in between. I don't know. How do I know whether it... Concentration. Are they both... Shatter and sleet, both a concentration spell. That is the hitch. Where?

Yeah. It should say on the card if it's a... I don't think so, then. If you don't see it, then no. Then we're good. Yeah, it would say on if it's concentration. Concentration spells, you can one at a time. Yeah. She's fine. So we got a 13. Is that enough for him to stand up, or is he

going to fall on his butt again? Spell save DC is 14. Alright, he falls back on his ass. Yeah. I'm going to try one more time. And he rolled even worse. So he's just fucking, again, still slipping around like an idiot down there.

Brian, ladies and gentlemen, gave him the middle finger and really, really just put some English on it. Then we have Dr. You are up. This thing is in front of me. It is.

I'm going gonna do a I think he's still got the thing going on the moonbeam happening right yes so can he do another save yes he can we have 15 what it beats a constitution thing

beats your spell save DC. Which was in your little spell chunk. 14. So we beat it. Okay. So that halves the damage, right? Yep, roll it, please. Five.

Okay, not much. He also doesn't like the looks of you. The snake he tried to eat earlier. So he is going to try to bite you again. Rolled a 12. I believe that's just under your AC. So it's a miss. Dargthur, you are up.

Oh, wait. No, no, no, no. No, no, no no no no hang on halcine did you go yet i don't believe so okay the last thing i did was shatter uh wait wait you i'm i'm sorry i totally fucked up you said the moonbeam thing again was happening on your turn it's not happening it happens on his turn right okay? Okay. So Moonbeam is going to... What is it? A creature enters and starts there.

Yeah, he makes the save on his turn. So it's your turn. You have to do something, Blaine. Oh, I have to do something? Yes, I got thrown off. I thought we were in his turn because you reminded me of that. Is that a concentration spell? That is a concentration spell.

But he can move and he can do another spell if he wants to break the moonbeam. Oh, okay. I'm getting out of range. Okay. I'm backing up. Slither down the mountain if you want, or you can go kind of... There's not a lot of room on this little mini mountain. I'll just sort of back down where I'm over here.

Uh-huh. I'll slide down that way. Okay. And so you're keeping the moonbeam on him. And on his turn, he will take more damage if he doesn't get out of it. Cool. Halcine, you're up. I'm going to cast Sanctuary on

TikTok. All right. Cool. What that is, is you ward a creature within range. Well, actually, how close am I? I need to get closer. Yeah, I probably have to get... You do have to get around there, yeah. Oh, shiza, because then I have to go through the

sleet. You do have to go through sleet to get to TikTok. How close do you have to be to casting? 30 feet. You can get within 30 feet, yeah. But you're gonna have to be to casting? 30 feet. You can get within 30 feet, yeah. But you're going to have to go Oh, not only that, but casting time is one bonus action. That's cool. I didn't know that there were spells like

that. So your movement speed is halved. You can get right to where the Behear's head is on the ground, but Right, but do I have to roll? I'm a creature entering the sleet storm. Even if it's mine, right? Yes, you do. If you're keeping it up.

Unless you can move the sleet storm. I don't think I can. No, no. Could you go around it? Can I go around it? How big is it? That's a good question. 40 foot radius.

And the duration is one minute. I don't know how many. One minute means each round is six seconds. It's still going. Yeah. So can I go around it? It's 40 feet radius. Yes.

Okay. So I'm going to go around it. Uh-huh. And then this says the sanctuary. It says casting time one bonus action, which I hadn't noticed before. So does that mean I can do something else and then also do that? Correct. Oh, that's cool. So move house scene around.

You're not touching TikTok. You're like about the distance between him and the behear. Weird stutter there. It was like making a buzz sound for no reason. Okay, so then what I'm going to do is I'm going to um uh let's see i'm going to um cast sacred flame on him just yeah cantrip oh shit um

so i'm gonna do that okay i'm looking for so you cast sanctuary on tic tac that does that stabilize him completely um no it just prevents him from uh being attacked basically so because i if i get to him then i can't uh i could stabilize him but the thing is still standing over him so this way i figure um sacred flame flame like radiance descends on a creature that you can see within range dexterity saving throw 13 okay so he takes 2d

radiant damage he takes 7 points of damage all right hey Halseen yes how do you want to see this die yeah cool I guess I want the flame like radiance All right. Hey, Halcine. Yes. How do you want to see this Behir die? Yeah! Cool. I guess I want the flame-like radiance to descend upon him. And I want him to think for a moment that perhaps something beautiful is happening.

Perhaps he's being saved. And then he's going to look up at the light as he realizes that actually this marks the end of his life and therefore the end of everything, because he's not going to any greater place after this. He's just dead. Wow. So then as he realizes that internally, I want his eyeballs to explode. Oh, all right. Well, they sure do.

And the unconscious TikTok gets some eyeball juice splattered on him as this Bahir is taken out. There are still two Bahirs to combat, folks, but we're going to find out what happens to them next time on Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened this episode? Alright, my notes for episode 54. I'm really going to

pay attention for this one. Oh, I'm lost. These dogs seem to be attacking with hugs. Even in a fantasy world, dogs are the best. Oh, someone swallowed Dr. Uid. You can't dodge it if it's inside you. That made me feel really good when TikTok said that.

Oh, good. Someone threw up Dr. Uid. The people Halcyon and Creep crushed are going to be just fine. Oh, someone swallowed Darkther. Oh, good. Someone threw up Darkther. Ken didn't know what his movement was. Don't play the game. If you don't know what you're doing something

bit house scene. Why does everyone talk down to us or eat us? Someone just bit creep. I look forward to killing myself. Oh, someone threw up lightning on tick tock somewhere. Gus wakes up screaming house scene gave one of the most beautiful deaths I've seen in this game.

And Sarah wanted me to remind you that you must order by this Friday in order to guarantee Valentine's Day delivery of our cock-a-la-cock-sucker hats. What? Wow. We're really making those hats? I don't even know what this design is.

What's a cock-a-la-cock-sucker? Did I miss that? That's what Cleave screamed when he flew across the chasm. I was focusing on my next move. I didn't even know what this design is. What's a cock-a-lock-a-cock? Cock-a-lock-a-cock sucker. We're all familiar with that. Did I miss that? Yeah, that's what Cleave screamed when he flew across the chasm with his ex. I was focusing on my next move. I didn't even hear the beautiful battle cry. I made him redo it in the battle cry voice, too. Oh, man, it's really interesting

that you picked me as the person pushing for those hats. But let's make it happen. Listeners, tweet at the account if you would like us to make cock-a-lock-a-cock sucker. Hey, Brian, you got any shows coming up? Yeah, brianprasine.com for my dates. But more importantly, Grandpa Metal will be available on February 14th everywhere.

And you can pre-order it. My second single, Grandpa Metal, Take On Me, is already available. But Grandpa Metal will be, the song will be available soon. And I'm shooting two videos cool and they're gonna be hilarious are already working on them with a a director i'm really stoked so that's coming soon congratulations thanks uh blaine uh you got lucha baboon coming up uh lucha baboon our valentine's run on febru on February 13th and 14th. Nice. That's always fun.

In the mine downtown. Yeah, it's a blast. You guys got anything? You know, just want to remind everybody that the Black Widow movie is coming up soon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Check that out. Featuring outfits that look suspiciously like Metal Gear Solid outfits. I have a bunch of shows coming up.

I also want everyone to read my D&D Beyond stuff. I'll be doing a lot more fun writing. And yeah, I worked on a DC comic book called The Last God that's coming out soon. Cool. Thanks so much, guys. Thanks. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus

episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening They can fly now They can fly now They can fly now They can fly now They can fly now They can fly now How long was it?

Two hours and forty minutes or something? They can fly now Two hours and forty-five minutes It was long Two hours and forty-five minutes Two hours and forty-five It was long. Two hours and 45 minutes. Two hours and 45 minutes. Did you see 1917?

1917. 1917. 1917. 1917. Hey, everybody. You know, Brian, my favorite movie of all time. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Persaid.