Nerd Poker - Episode 55 - The Digested Five

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

The behir battle heats up, as our heroes get repeatedly swallowed and vomited up, their hit points going dangerously low. Will the Ice Five become the Digested Five, or will they survive until Donkeyland? And wow, hopefully those halflings aren't just a splattered pile.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 55. We did it. Yay. All my friends are here. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hi. Ken. I thought it was episode three lockbox. We did it All my friends are here Chris Sarah Ken

I thought it was episode 3 lockbox Can't drive 55 Dan Hi Let's do that one again Dan Hi Hi you fucking asshole

Blade And at the end of the table is always Sam Hi everyone I'm kidding. Hi, you fucking asshole. Blade. Hi. And at the end of the table is always Sam. Hi, everyone. Hello, Sam. Episode 5-5. I wish there were people to thank. Are there people that wish?

Oh, my gosh. You know what? It's great that you had that wish because deep inside there was a dream that resulted in Patreon supporters that get shouted out at the stargoyle level and above they have names like gratch sabat thank you gratch is great thank you uh blaine's successful pre-hobbit oh hey thank you giant monsters on the horizon oh thank you eric e thank you kevin hit thanks kevin oh boy i know kevin from twitter thank you mr hands to the feet cool yeah thank you rob thank you kelly kelly

bobelli thank you jordy i hope there are tapes thank you pd thank you tiktok god let me get this one out, you guys. Get it out. Thank you. TikTok's Knickknack, Brickabrack, Talk Rock, and Clockshack. Thank you, Trump's artificially impeached colored turkey neck. Thank you, TikTok's mechanical boy parts. Thank you.

Thank you, Toon7AD. Thanks, Ninja Slippers. Thanks, Tom Ushami. Thank you. Thanks, Ethan. Thanks, Sunny Eclipse 2020. Thanks, Jesse D. Lepley. Thank you, Tom Muscemi. Thank you. Thanks, Ethan. Thanks, Sunny Eclipse 2020. Thanks, Jesse D. Lepley. Thank you, Talon Shade. Thank you,

Nicholas Chatelain. Thank you. Thank you, all of you. Thanks, you guys. Thank you. You're all just delights. Every single last one of you. I got some stuff from the P.O. box. Is that the fried catfish box? Sure. is that the fried catfish box? sure to NerdPoker

I had some cash to give to Brian for NerdPoker at the Brooklyn show but I had to run out right after and get pizza so you gotta get a Slay Swim if you forget about it so I took the money and got you guys some figures use them as needed

keep slaying, you guys are the. Use them as needed. Keep slaying. You guys are the best. Lou, crab up, frag out. Lou helped us out before. Lou sent us some things before we got that guy. Gorgeous. What is that? It's a mounted skeleton.

Skeletal guy. Cool. Blaine, check these out. HD minis. It's like Lou wants us to die. Blaine, check these out. HD minis. It's like Lou wants us to die. Three primes. Orcs. They're all monsters that I'm supposed to glue together and paint and murder you with.

Orcs. These are glued together and tossed together. That one is. Then he gave us a Reaper Bones one. That's like a pile of body parts. Yeah, it's huge. That looks like the time I saw Ron Perlman at a secret garden. And then some orcs.

So local, by the way. I'll take some orcs. I actually did. I was in line for Valentine's Day behind Ron Perlman. Really? We were both buying flowers. Thank you very much for the minis.

Hey, thanks, guys. Thanks, Lou. Thank you. And then we got this. Brennan Small hooked me up with Shout Factory, and they sent us some stuff. Here are some Blu-rays for you and the Nerd Poker cast from Shout Factory. I tried to guess at what everyone may appreciate.

Let us know if you see anything else you want on shoutfactory.com. And that's Nico, right? Yeah. Yeah, he's come to some of my comedy shows. He's a huge fan of the podcast. Shout Factory, man, I have a bunch of my comedy shows. He's a huge fan of the podcast. Shout Factory, man. I have a bunch of their stuff already. They do really cool...

Like Blu-ray special editions. Yeah, really cool stuff. The Steelbooks, I've gotten a couple. So for Dan, call it out as I hand it to you. A Blu-ray of Mac and Me. He thought I would like Mac and Me. I don't know what that says.

It's the 30th anniversary Blu-ray. You haven't seen it? It's got every Paul Rudd scene in it, right? Have you seen Mac and Me? Oh, yeah. Go for it. Blame, call it out. Oh, okay.

Let me read this out. I got the collector's edition. Taylor Hackford's Chuck Berry Hail Hail Rock and Roll featuring Eric Clapton, Robert Cray, Etta James, Julian Lennon, Keith Richards, Linda Ronstadt, with music produced by Keith Richards. It's a great documentary about

the inventor of rock and roll, Chuck Berry. Actually, there's a special shout out on these bonus features to his cousin Marvin Berry who really showed him some roots. I never heard that story.

I've never seen this before. It looks really cool. It's Bird Boy. The Forgotten Children. It's an animated feature. Because you're a bird boy. Oh, I know why. I love this one. But it also looks like spooky and cool. Oh, Sam. Oh, hell yeah. The first complete series

of my so-called life. Just like Jordan Catalano. I don't know how to read. You're a total Catalano, Sam. Sarah? Sarah's is amazing. I got spirited away. Yes.

A Miyazaki movie, which I have not seen in ages and would love to watch again. It's so good. This is exciting. Thank you so much. Do they have the whole Miyazaki library? That's pretty cool. This is really cool. I don't think Chris has seen this, but Ken and I have probably seen other people at the

table. I've seen it, yeah. Tom Hengstarr, The Burbs. I've never seen it, but I'm super excited to watch it. It's so good. It's great. Ken almost jumped out of his chair. Yeah, I really love that movie.

I always have. Yeah. Thank you. Is that where he's in the band, that band, The Burbs? Mm-hmm. Dukeman's in it, too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah? Rick Dukeman? So funny.

You want to jump in? I think I will jump in with what happened last time. Say his name again. Nico Pater? He's a really cool guy. And now, what happened last time on Nerd Poker? The Ice Five

fought some Frost Giants and some Bahir, knocked giant bricks onto two of the Frost Giants, the only two present, really, and then they killed one of the Bahir after a long, protracted battle where a couple of folks got lightning breath to death, a couple of folks got swallowed and vomited out. It's been a real fuckpile of a messy poo,

and we're slowly gaining some ground on these guys whilst three halfling heroes known as Abyss Strappers lay unconscious in the melee. All right. So we last left off with Halcine executing a finishing blow on the first of the three Beheers to go down.

And I need to lead with yes please god listener everyone needs to forgive me i did not think it was a concentration spell because i am uh dumb and i didn't realize that the c that looked like a pretty decoration on the card meant concentration so it says it on the sheet but i was looking on the card and it's my own goddamn fault and i'm so so sorry some some you know sometimes these things just happen so what we're gonna do is from now on we'll treat it like a concentration spell but we're not going to go back in time and retcon a ridiculous amount of combat uh if it helps i cried about it for like two to two and a half hours did you really yes i Yes. I hope you prayed on that. What? Can't you see? No, it's not helpful for me to have the shorthand

of just a little letter C. It totally throws me off when I see stuff like that. Now that I know it, it's not complicated. It's not like a secret code. Well, sure. The spell was copyrighted.

Well, what I'm saying is I'm dumb and I like to pretend I'm smart. So my fraud complex went off when you told me. I kept rereading the flavor text again and again and again and I was like, there's no, the word is not in here.

Anyway, I'm sorry, guys. It's his little tiny C. It's not that tiny. It's so small. You're trying to be nice. It's so small. Everyone listening wants to murder me. You can only see it if you have an invisible ink pen that you hold up.

I was just reading this again and again. Everyone listening wants to murder you? I don't think that's the case. It looks like a little diner. It's so hard to see that. Anyway, I apologize. To see the sea. It's fine.

What if Sam is putting it in some weird frequency that makes people want to murder us? Wait, are we still talking about this? We are. I'm so sorry. Up next in the turn order, we have Darkther.

Darkther, the behear in front of you just got downed. TikTok, you are at zero hit points. I am. And you can't be hit, but you just got down to tick tock you are at zero hit points i am and uh you can't be hit but you are bleeding out so so to speak so like you're gonna have to do a death saving throw your next turn if somebody doesn't heal you up okay so that's just a point

of order uh but doctor it is your turn you're not next to uh a guy who is immediately hittable but you could say run over to that guy slipping and sliding in a sleet storm over there, which we are going to say for the sake of but you're also right next to TikTok. Yeah, but that's his choice. You could either help somehow or you could go over to or you could go over to the here that is in a sleet storm. I feel like I did just call you

TikTok and I don't know what's going on with TikTok. He's dying. I'm dying. I am from England. I have this healing potion oh yep you want to go i'll run over okay yep so scooch him just a little bit closer and we'll say he's dropping it in there as a work on a mechanical man yep you just got to roll your healing points uh what do i roll or do did you guys not write this down i will how about dark there does it because he's pouring it into my okay iet. I don't want to. I was going to ask for homework, but I'm not going to.

2d4 plus 2. So roll 2d4 plus 2 for how much hit points. He is doing the pouring, so Darkthor should roll. Make sure every drip gets in my lips. Plus 2. But make sure you mark it because I remember. So you have to say hit points and you are not dying. You force feeding Dr. Uwud a healing potion also. but make sure you mark it because i remember six points and you are not dying you force

feeding dr ued a healing potion also uh do i uh also get an action or i know that was your action you can run around more you could get you could get in a better position than that though you've only moved five feet you've got another 25 feet you can move i'm gonna move towards uh the down okay can you scoot around towards the pro you just drop my can you scoot him around towards the prone? Do you just drop my head? You pour a potion in me, and then you just drop my head? No, I set you gently on a rock. And I say to myself, he cares.

And you know what? Here, I'll say this. I'll throw this to you. Because you used your action to cup his head so gently in your hands, and you're only really moving like 15 feet to go to the here i'll say you can use 10 feet of reaction to yoink him up if you want okay yoink okay so

you're now standing too oh thank you he's already holding you so he's basically on the way up he's just kind of yanking you to your feet uh some dungeon masters might not allow such a thing but it just makes sense i feel like he's a bird he's barely doing anything this turn. And then that'll take us right down the turn order to Hoshinka. Alright, Hoshinka is going to toss fairy fire on the down Bahir.

So we're just deciding he is down even though I screwed that up. The dead guy? Oh, sorry. I thought you meant the slippy slidy guy. Yeah, sleet is still happening. I just don't want to retcon stuff. Okay. It's too much trouble, especially if you cross an episode gap where I only mostly remember what

we're talking about here. So good call, Dan. All right. So he failed his. So he's now very fired. Where is that? So if you could throw this on the guy who's down,

very farred. And a calf. So for those who remember, each object in a 20 foot cube is outlined in blue, green or violet light. We'll just say it's green because this guy is already blue. He now is going to shed a dim light

and if you roll against him, you have advantage and he can't become invisible. Cool. That'll then... She is going to actually back up over there so she can get into range attack

distance and it'll be Queep's turn. Queep, you're currently surrounding this guy up on the hill. Yeah, we're flanking him. Get it. And he's got just like wide wounds all over his body. You guys have really been ripping into this one. I'm going to attack him again. Okay.

Wide wounds, you say. I just love that alliteration. Is that the thing where the guy on the ski jump just wipes out? It's a natural 20. Roll a 100 to end your damage, please. We know that rule.

You make me feel. You make me feel. You make me feel. 67. With two fingers? Now roll your damage. Yeah. We made you do it. That's it.

Okay. Let me roll my damage. Our work here is done. 13. 13 points of damage and you doubled that? Doubled to 26. Alright. Describe for me not only how you're killing this guy, but you have the option to hew limbs off

with the crit table. Oh, well then I'm going to chop two of his four limbs off, shove them in his mouth, and kick him off the rock. Which direction? That way. Thank you.

On to all my friends. You stuff his mouth and he just... Goodbye, dick. Wow, what a mighty bird. The mightiest bird of all. You do have have another attack you also have all your movement you could potentially fly closer to the down guy over there uh you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna take a health potion okay so that's 2d4 plus 2 roll at your your health hey blaine what is this health roll brought to us by? A is for Alfredo J is for Jax Fettuccine Alfredo Jax

You need a good breakfast That's a fact Started off with Fettuccine Alfredo Jax It's one of my favorites 2d4 plus 2 you said? Yes That looked like you rolled two 4s Did you just roll two

fours oh no i rolled a three and a four okay seven seven i'll plus two no that's nine silly boy great so add nine health points uh and yes are you gonna move anywhere thank goodness uh yeah i'll fly over to that other rock okay um well you can't get all the way there, but you can get most of the way there. That'll take us around the bend to TikTok. You are back up to six health points. The sky's starting to get surrounded. A lot of dead bodies all of a sudden. They really are. First, I have

a thing as a bonus action. It's not action surge. It's second wind where I can regain hit points. I'm going to do that first. It's 1d10. It's second wind where I can regain hit points. So I'm going to do that first. It's 1D10 plus six. Great. That was also the name of the TV show on the Fartin' Gary sketch on Mr.

Show. Remember second wind? Oh, yeah. So I regained 13 and I'm up to 19, which is great. And then how about I come around? This is the dead one, yeah? Can I come around the dead one so I'm flanking the guy that's flopped on the ground? Come around the dead one.

Here she comes. Yes. Okay, great. You're kind of stepping around over a body. I'm stepping. I'm going around it so I can try and get that flanking thing you mentioned on the last episode and so I'll still keep a little distance and shoot him twice with my bow

get him so it's 25 to hit that's definitely a hit you're rolling with advantage also oh I didn't do that but I will okay so that one's better so I'll take that one so that's the eighth i'm so lost with sarah's i'm using sarah's dice because i forgot mine and i'm totally baffled i apologize in advance uh so that's uh seven points of piercing

damage and so i'll do a second one um i'm gonna do this one sharpshooter i think i mentioned it before so i take minus five but if i hit it, it adds 10 damage to it. Okay. So it's with advantage. Oh, natural 20. Wow. All right. Cool.

So that's eight. That's double to 16 plus four. So that's 20. And then add 10. So it's 30 points of damage. So you just see this arrow go into the little sleet storm and just this rocket jet of dark blue blood fly out

in a spurt onto the snow and just sort of sizzle in it. It's not dead, but you just fucking... Does it hit my boots? It hit an artery. A little bit, yeah. Oh, I jump, and oh, like a mouse. Alright, so he's a mouse. All right. So he's going to try to get up.

It's his turn. Yep. All right. So he's up. He's now going to try to get out. Come on, everybody. Let's get this fucker. Oh, God.

That's fine. He's a dead guy. You can just leave him there. There's not room for him on the table anyway. And yeah, he's going to try. Okay. He gets out of the sleet storm. He's right by me.

Yeah, and he's just kind of looking back and forth between you and Hoshinka, deciding who to eat. Let's go for Hoshinka. Does it look messed up? How messed up is this one? He's not healthy, but this is the third time he's been hit. Was that really bad? So he's actually

doing kind of he doesn't look messed up. We need to we need to really so he picks Hoshinka up in his mouth and starts like stuffing her in there. She's down. So you just guys see him gulp Hoshinka down.

Oh, no. And she disappears. So if you could just kind of scoot her, I guess, like inside of his little circular black thing he's on. Or you can hang her on an arm. So she looks like a mink. She is representing inside his gullet and scooting actually a little bit forward because he had to run towards her to go. There you go.

Thank you. Dr. Uid, you are up. I'm still up here, right? You sure are. I'm going to,

I'm going to cast a move his player. I'm going to cast protection from acid on myself okay and then i'm going to just move down here and i guess you're a snake so you can move 30 feet but like yeah you can't you can go down the hill but you're not gonna get that much farther okay you know what i'm gonna get to the bottom of the hill and then uh shape change back to my my good old this myself uh Just stand down into here, and then I'll wade into this bullshit over here. That's how far you can get.

Okay. All right, cool, thanks. I needed that for Lollapalooza 93. Protection from acid. Halcine, you're up. I needed protection from mushrooms at Disneyland the other week. Oh, Jesus. Here comes Halcine with a cool move.

Thank you, radio announcer TikTok, for your play-by-play. Very excited. We did agree that these guys are immune to lightning, right? Yes. Okay. So in that case, then... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does still have firepower. You have case, then yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.

He does still have very, very, you have advantage and yeah. Um, you can take the prone one off of him. He's no longer prone. Do I feel like if I cast a spell that injures him, it's going to injure whoever's inside him. You think there's a chance. Go do an insight check for free and I'll tell you. Thank you.

Uh, that is a 20. You feel like there is a very high chance that if you do any kind of slashing damage, it could do something. But if it's spell related? He's big enough that it depends where you hit him, though. If you call your shot, you think, with that insight check, you could. Maybe in his hiney.

Okay. Tush, tush. Okay, I'm going to have, you think, with that insight check, you could. Maybe in his hiney. Okay. Tush, tush. Okay, I'm going to have, I guess, Sacred Flame descend on his ass. So that is my plan. Okay. Yes. Sacred Flame is flame-like radiance descending on a creature in range. Must make a dexterity saving throw.

He's going to try. It's like those people getting the suntans on their perenniums. Okay. So I believe that means you get to roll 1d8 radiant damage on this gentleman. He's not gentleman. Vitamin D. That is...

It's actually 2d8 at my level. Thank you. 10 points of damage. Alright, so his hiney lights up with radiant fire. It looks painful. It's time to go get an endoscopy. It's like when Bugs Bunny is dipping into that hot cauldron.

Yeah. Oh, boy. Is that your turn? Sure. Funsies. I do what I can. Dark three, you're up. All right. You just saw Ashinka do what I can. Darkthrow, you're up. Alright.

You just saw Hoshinka get gulped down by this guy and he's getting hit in the hiney now. How could I help? I mean, there's volunteer work you can do. There's some soup kitchens. There's some, you know. Cut a leg off. I'm gonna hack and slash.

Okay. Will you scoot Darkthor up to the beer if he's not close enough? Next up, Darkthor. So I don't have disadvantage anymore now. Correct. I believe last had disadvantage because you were

inside his stomach. You were no longer inside his stomach. Yeah, because a fairy fire, he would have advantage. He does have advantage. You get to roll twice. You get two rolls. Pick the big one. 18 to hit. It's a hit. Nice.

Hope it doesn't hit. Do your damage. Do it on the hiney. Six piercing. 18 to hit. Yep. It's a hit. Nice.

To hit a behir, you need a 17. Okay. 18 to hit. Nice. To hit a Bahir, you need a 17. How seen when you did the sacred flame, did you burn like a bullseye onto his hiney so as to let us all know, hit him here. Yeah, it lit up his tail, I think. I will say I didn't tell you exactly where you do need to hit to avoid hurting

her or anything like that. This is based on figuring. 10. Slashing. Damage. Okay. Well, I figured his tail is... This is based on figuring. 10 slashing damage. Nice. Okay. Again, right? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. Yeah.

17 plus 6. Yep. 2 ladies. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. two ladies they're all for me eight and then one more uh-huh it's a

17 that's a hit all right cool geez louise yeah one plus two, three. Cool. You definitely have this guy's attention. Uh-oh. It's Hawkshinka's turn.

Okay, well, basically it's a show. It's a family. It's a little unconventional. She's trying to hit him from inside. Yeah, two misses. That's hard. She's not going to hit him from inside. Yeah, two misses. She's now going to take some acid damage. I'd like to apologize for repeating the Fettuccine Alfredo Jacks joke earlier, but when I looked at my notes, all I saw was Toblerone, Ciccone, and Patron Ramones,

which I think were from some Palladino's night that I forget what the theme was, so I didn't really have anything loaded, and I just defaulted to a fettuccine off-radio. I like Malort support insults. Hey, why don't you, Queep, take your turn? Okay.

I will shoot my crossbow. Okay. Do it. You have advantage. It's glowing green. Ooh. What's glowing green. Okay. Well, it's two lefts. Oof. In progress. What's your plus to hit, though? Three.

Okay. Four times. So let me try one more time. Okay. 16. So close. No. Just whiffing with the crossbow bolts.

Whiffity doodle dee. Is that what? Whiffity doodle dee. I didn't realize he was Southern. That's a tick tock. You're up this creep. Are you crossing in at all? Are you moving at all?

I'm keeping my distance because I'm not well. All right, I will. A few of you are not well, really. You guys are all starting to get pretty low on hit points.

This is getting tight, so I'll close a little bit. I'll come actually more towards where creep is and I will shoot again with my points. This is getting tight. So I'll close a little bit. I'll come actually more towards where Queep is. And I will shoot again with my bow. I wish you would. Okay, so it's 15.

Yeah, so it's a 24. So that hits. I'm going to do a bursting arrow again. Nice. Fancy shit. So it's 13 piercing damage. And I will go one more time.

I'm going to do this one sharpshooter again. He's definitely starting to take a lot of... You just see all these arrows sticking out of him now. It's a miss on the second one. It was a seven minus five. Forget it. Okay. One good hit though.

Yep. It's now his turn. He's going to turn to dark sir. He leans down and starts opening his mouth and you just see a huge lightning bolt explode in your face. I'm going to need to do a dexterity saving throw.

How is there room for lightning and her in that mouth? She's not in his mouth. She's deep in his stomach. He's got two mouths. No, that's not at all what's happening. I'm pretty sure it's two mouths. It only looks like it has one. That's weird. 17.'s happening. I'm pretty sure it's two modes. No, it's... Nope. It only looks like it has one. That's weird.

17. Cool. So you're only going to take a half of a lot of damage. Might be bad, guys. Where were you at? Yeah, how many hit points do you have left? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You being coy?

No. I'm shitty at math. Oh, hey. 23, give or take. Well, you may go down, but you're probably not going to die. I don't know when it got me. It got me pretty good. But I did make my deck safe also.

I took the maximum. You take 64 points of lightning damage halved. So that is 32 points. Well, I only had 23. So you're down. But not... You're dying. Death saving throw next time.

But Darkthor is now unconscious, which we will... God damn it. And he's also sour. So if you could please put an unconsciousness and a sour ring on Darkthor is now unconscious, which we will... God damn it. And he's also sour, so if you could please put an unconsciousness and a sour ring on Darkthor, thank you. Is there really a ring that says sour, you motherfucker? It's more of a tart. That'll take us next to Hashinka again.

Or no, no, no, no, I'm sorry, Dr. Ud, Dr. Ud. I'm going to conjure up my flame blade and I'm going to run up to what is is Darkthor in between me and this thing or is this thing between me and Darkthor uh

Darkthor's over there you're over here okay so he's kind of like off to your left and off to your right is the beer. You're kind of like, it's a triangle. There's also a bunch of down halflings right next to you. Oh, right. Something happened with the halflings, right?

Yeah, they're all unconscious, but not dead. Why are they unconscious? Because Kwee pushed a rock off of the curve on them. I didn't do nothing. I don't think that's what happened. I'm busy killing this thing up here. No, we're over here. Sorry, I can't do nothing. I don't think that's what happened. I'm busy killing this thing up here. No, you were over here. Sorry, I can't hear you.

Can I get my flame blade and another spell going at the same time? I don't think so, but I'm going to check that for you. This is what we call the concentration conundrum. Oh, this is what I just screwed up, so. I think that was a Big Bang Theory episode name. Concentration conundrum? Yes, but it's concentration. No, you cannot.

Okay. Just wondering. Okay, well, I'm just going to flame blade over there and start attacking this thing where its glowing ass is. You could put him right up. I'm going to start using that as a flame blade over there. back in this thing great where it's glowing asses. You could put him right up. We're gonna start using that as a flame blade over the reminder. This means you roll to hit.

It's gonna be melee and it's that's a mess already. Okay, so you get advantage, not on a four, but did you roll twice and take the higher number 11 now you need a 17 okay go ahead and keep keep that mind next time I don't think you get to attack again but you can roll for fun I was just rolling to see what was going to happen

that's fun it's not working guys it's not happening there we go how senior up? Um, how close is Dr. Uwe to the guy? Merely range five feet away. He's a big guy though.

Depends what kind of thing you're trying to do. There's a chance you could get it. So it wouldn't hit him. He takes up, you know, like a 20 feet of ground space. Okay. Well,

thank you for that tip. And I would, I would be, I would think that I would have seen what everybody is doing at this point from over here, and I know what she's up to, so I'm trying to stay away from the area that she's doing. You would, but to get that close to him,

you're going to use up all your movement, so you can't hit him and run away, so to speak. Okay. No, I'm just saying I can make an effort to stay out of the way of her spell. Sort of. It depends what the spell is. Yeah.

But do I feel like if I cast Shatter, which is a sound-based thing, that it would be muffled enough that Houshinka might not take any damage inside? Another insight check. 21. Depends where you hit him. Okay. Again, I'm gonna focus on his

rear okay and uh I'm gonna cast shatter because it's a each creature in a 10 foot radius sphere

so I'm gonna do it um and that's a deck saving throw if I'm not mistaken that is uh constitution

okay so 14 uh my spell save is i believe 14 okay is that a failure or a pass it should say on the card no i mean it's a pass but it might just mean half as much. He takes three points of damage. Ooh, okay.

So, uh... I give you a thumbs up and say, every bit counts! Darkthro, do a death saving throw, please. Oh, no. Oh. Sorry. 16 plus... Nope, you don't get a bonus.

It's a death saving throw, not an attack. Above 10 is good. Above 10 is good. This means you have one success. Okay. Do you see where to mark them? They're at the top right of your sheet. Sort of below hit points.

Oh, yes. And then we've got... Hoshinka's going to try and get out again. Nope. Hoshinka. Queep, you're up. Crossbow? Okay. Crossbow. Okay.

Get him. God, you're rolling horrible. That was shit. Try it again. It's sad because I sit right next to you. I can see the shit as it happens in real time. I don't know.

You should do that, 17. You should give him privacy. Roll your damage. That's a hit. Thank the minky. I like to watch Ken shit everybody. I like to watch it drop out of his tower.

I apologize. It's like olden times when we played pre-podcast when the bathroom door was directly next to the table. Oh, yeah. Who would do that during a session? Oh, Brian. Sometimes it has to happen. Ken, no.

12 points of crossbowage. All right. In his stupid little head. Yeah, I mean, he takes it, and it sucks for him. And he's getting to the edge of what he can handle. Good. Didn't Sark also have a toilet upstairs? I think maybe we couldn't use it

because it was like they shared one. And then at a point we decided I could. You were like, you were allowed to. Brian got special dispensation. Is that because your butt broke the other toilet? No, just to be safe. I consistently had to shit while I was over there

so it became a thing every time. Because we did eat a lot when we were there. Oh, and you got to shit while I was over there, so it became a thing every time. Because we did eat a lot when we were there. Oh, when you eat, you gotta shit, you guys. Patton's giant cupcakes and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Wedges of Exlax that you broke up into the cupcakes. And honey mead and whiskey. I ate an entire box of all brand ones. Pour black coffee all over the cupcakes.

All right. That was some of the most disgusting imagery I've ever had in my brain during this podcast. Hey, everybody. Why don't you Google the Bristol stool scale? Is TikTok. Cool. I'm going to pull out my great axe. I'm going to charge this thing.

Uh-huh. And I'm going to swing at its ass. Really? Lit up with fairy fire. Giving it to this guy's ass. Ooh, natural 20. So that is... Oh, did your laugh blow out?

Sorry. My dorky ass laugh. It's a 10, so that's doubled. So that's 23 points of damage for the first one. You know what, TikTok? Yep. You don't really need to try that second one. How would you like to see the Great Axe execute this behavior?

I would like to slice it down and it goes completely through and it severs a half and then stuff starts pouring out and then hoshingka no not that much narrative control over it well i hope so visual fun death okay it cuts off and then i pick up the end i go hoshingka hello are you in there i will say you rolled a 20 so we didn't even give you your 100 yet. Roll 100 to see how well peeking into the abdomen goes. Okay, great. 31.

Nothing immediately. You do get a big severed gap open in there, and you can kind of root around. Just a little space for my voice to carry up. That's all I want. You guys are now out of combat. There is a Bahir there. Let's get Hoshink out of there. Too sweet. I'll let someone do it with advantage if someone wants to help

him. Yeah, I'll help. This is going to be a survival check. So who wants to do it? I'm running despair. I'm plus five. What are you? Okay. Yeah, let's get over and heal this guy. Dark through your stabilized. Was it survival? Yeah.

I have a plus one.'ll do it so you can do with advantage tiktok thank you uh so that's 16 okay you uh reach deep in there and it takes you a minute you gotta kind of like really feel around to figure out what it is and finally you find a piece of shoulder armor and you just kind of yank her out she is unconscious not breathing didn't somebody good bury her yeah why not okay you stuff a good barrier in her mouth she can't she can't chew or swallow on her own like it's not oh she's like do I spare the dying and that will help or do I need to like bring her back to life?

Do an insight check. Or I'll let you choose insight or medicine. Medicine. Ugh. 13. You're not sure which is better. No, sorry. 14.

Yeah. You need 15 or better. Well, I mean. For sure. Can I. Which are better? Which is better? Which she needs specifically.

You don't know. She's not. I mean, presumably if I spare the dying, I would see her stabilize or not, right? And that's a cantrip. So I can just. But you have to choose first what you're going to do first. So you're going to just spare the dying regardless? Yeah.

Yeah. Spare the dying. Yes. I do that and see if she's. Okay. Yeah. She's. She's stable.

Stable. She's breathing. Doctor, if you make several good berries, we could maybe spare the dying and... If you bring her... I just made 10.

We could give some to our halfling friends as well. Yeah, I mean, they're not... They're all breathing. They can chew, though, right? When they're unconscious, they can't eat the good berries. Not really.

Dark Thur is laying there dead, by the way. Also, Dark Thur is unconscious. I'm shaving a chopped liver. Also, Darkthor is unconscious. I'm shaving it. I'm shaving it. Chop liver? Guys, bring Houshinka and Darkthor over and I can do Prayer of Healing. It'll take 10 minutes,

but I can do it on six. I will gently carry Darkthor the way that he carried, he held my head. I too shall hold the head of Darkthor. So how many halflings? There were four halflings? Three.

I'm also going to do a Cure Wounds on Darkthor. So how many halflings? There were four halflings? Three. Okay. I'm also going to do a cure wounds on Darkthir. So I can get one more person in this prayer. I need to be in there for sure. Okay. So. Oh, you know what? I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.

And I give him 16 points. You know what I'm doing? Put that down. Guys, you know what I'm going to do? What? What I'm thinking I'm going to do? What? This is going to be fascinating stuff.

What? I'm going to cast this spell at third level. Ooh. Instead of at second level, use one of those slots. And then that'll give you an extra 1d8. Okay. I like it. So here we go.

Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. Okay. So they all get 17 points back nice nice halflings and darkthor and queep great oh wait plus my spell casting ability modifier excuse me is that my spell attack bonus anything okay so it. Same thing? Okay, so it's 23 points back you all get. You guys. Wow. Geez Louise. For all of us? No, sorry. And at this point,

they still look pretty roughed up, like unhappy, but the halflings start to slowly regain. I will start checking the giants for treasure. All right. Wasted no time. Do an investigation check. They don't want to talk to me.

I'm going to throw up a detect magic too and see what's going on. If there's anything glowing on these guys. Thirteen. First of all, you set off the detect magic. You don't really

get a magic item thing off of these. The halflings all have magic items on them. And there's also what looks like some sort of stash over there of stuff they stole off of the halflings that lights up, but nothing on the giants themselves. Okay. And you at least get the feeling, now that the halflings are starting this is basic like passive insights if you were to say loot the bag of stuff they'd probably be like it looks like you know like a piece of halfling armor like if

you were like oh let me take that they would be like why are you taking my armor? The giants, as far as non-magic stuff goes, they've got these huge axes. There's not much. The behirs themselves don't really carry any items. But you do find what looks like some sort of giant currency. It's stone rock

with little symbols hewn on it. You could carry it, but they weigh like five pounds each. Is there any merit to carrying a giant coin? I don't think so. Only for Batman. All right. I will put it over their eyes. Creepy TikTok.

We should talk to the halflings and be like, we're going to get you guys back to your camp. Okay. We saw, what was his name? Oh, Binglebong Wicker Twits. Buckham's Dongledee.

That's it. Buckham's Dongledee is back at Camp Hawhey. No sign of the pixie scout. The three of them are starting to rouse. It is two paladins and a druid. No sign of the pixie scout. The sound's made up. But yeah, the three of them are starting to rouse. It is two paladins and a druid.

Hello. Hello. We're going to help you get back to camp. Maybe you can... Jesus. I just burped into his dice tower. Into the mic. Into the mic. Into the mic. While somebody was talking.

Somebody rolled a botch. He's laughing so hard. No one more delighted than Brian. Brian's never been happier than he was gross. This is why we have people-specific mics. He used it as a burp trumpet. He's still laughing. I saw a burp trumpet open for Captain V parts. That's it.

Now sing some old timey songs into that thing. And then fart. You're my beautiful baby. Megaphone, megaphone. Oh, fuck. Sorry. That's all right. Sorry, Dan and Sarah always listen you'll pay when you go to hell and you're actually playing Chris love across the table. I know it's like

I don't know where you're talking well, but Blaine's right next to you, so I feel like if you want to maybe deliver another pizza at him. Yeah. Now I have this Bob Ross perm going on. Thanks for that. I look like Lindsey Buckingham. I mean, they start to kind of,

they say hello and then they like start to get kind of defensive. They start to stand up and they press their backs against each other. They start. No, we came here to rescue you. We talked to Buxom Dingle Dongs. Buxom Dingle Dongs? These are all John Travolta intro outtakes. That is his name though, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Buxom's Dongledy. Not Buxom Dingle Dongs. Check out those Buxom Dingle Dongs over there. I'm not saying yes it is buckums dongle the not some dingle dongs check out those bucks and dingle dongs over there

i'm not saying i'm not saying mine is more like like stoic the same

thing though look at the word bucks some yours is better look look

all the batters we're having a grand old time here guys we're all laughing but my

radar detector is going off really bad. Jesus Christ. I'm trying to put them at ease. I'm saying we talked to your guy. We were sent to get you. Who are you?

We've come from... Dame Island. Dame Island to source some help in a battle that is going to involve the Giants and we heard that the bravest warriors and fighters were here in Donkey Land. We are quite brave.

It's true. We were very serious. We had it all together. Then you said Donkey Land. Then you said Donkey Land. You would be wise to seek the help from the proud warriors of donkey land that's what we did so we're here we came to get you guys out of this little jam and we're not laughing at you it is quite a pickle yeah are you all right do you need help i mean i'm still pretty roughed up. I don't know if

you've got any more healing available, but You got some of those berries, now they can chew. Should we throw up a tent and rest, maybe? Yeah, I can not go back to their camp. I recommend we don't rest here. It's likely the battle will incur further action from the giants. We can get back to the camp in time. Yes, I also recommend

we head back to Camp Haughey. Yes, that is where we came from. Or perhaps we could simply collect Buckham's Doggledee and head into Donkey Land itself. However, that would be a journey that may require rest first. We're here for Buxom Dingledong. Again, his name is Buckham's Doggledee. Don't know if Buxom Dingledong is his cousin.

Buxom Dingledong is the strip club in town. Yeah, it is. That's a clompety strip club? Okay, well let's first at least collect Buckhams. Shall we to the south? Shall we? Do you have war donkeys, by the way?

Not here, but back at camp, we have war donkeys. Oh, this is very exciting. They also have weird donkeys. However, there are only enough for the three of us abyss droppers. We unfortunately do not have enough war donkeys for all of you. Do you have a scout, a pixie scout?

We do, yes. What's their name? Why do you care his name? I just was curious. Strange you would be curious of his name. I just wondered. All right. Bucky Dildo?

Well, we were sent to look for him, and you know what? It would be a lot more helpful if we could call for him in the forest. Well, he is a fall-down drunk, but I suppose I will impart his name is Gago. He is disgusting, but he is at least

willing to do whatever we want if we give him powerful magic booze so yes so now you guys can look for your beloved Gago again you guys Sarah means the four of you assholes

or three of you who had been a campaign longer I guess but no Chris, Chris remembers Gargo. I remember, of course. How could you forget? It was like over a year ago since he was in the main campaign. Died in the dragon crush. Well, hello, Gargo. Shout, okay, off to camp, here we go.

And they introduce themselves. Their leader is the druid named Pezzy Dinkleshine. And I like to say... And the two paladins are named Blurg Periwinkle and Plinka Tonkalu. So it's one druid and two paladins? Yes, sir. Plinka Tonkalu. So it's one druid and two paladins? Yes, sir. Plink a tonka wheel.

Snort. Again, that's Pezzy Dinkle Shine, Blurg Periwinkle, and Plink a Tonka. We got it. We'd never ask you again. One more time for the Dan Tilfer fans. It's now. Dan, don't say it anymore. Those are my passwords. You head south back to camp.

And yes, it is quite late when you get back to camp. He can rest. Yes. And Buckham's dongle D is very grateful to have the abyss trappers back. He, you know,

tries to get them reoutfitted. Some of their armor has been damaged it looks like one of them got swallowed at one point by one of those guys and so there's just acid damage all over his leather armor may i ask a pertinent question of who i think of i think of the our friends um did you say more giants are in the area like we didn't just take out everybody and we're safe for a little while they They battle them all the time. Oh, sorry. Yeah, please answer. I mean, Pezzi, the druid,

is happy to convey this information. Sure. She says that, yes, in fact, there's regular patrols of the giants in this very dangerous area. They're not heavily involved here. This was one of their camps you stumbled into, but there's at least

one other giant that they regularly saw in that camp. So we should get moving then, right? They were encroaching on Camp Hawhi and this camp no longer feels safe. They would prefer to mount up on the battle donkeys and head elsewhere.

Ideally east to donkey land. Does that sound good to everybody? Let's go. Wait. We're not going to rest before? you can I have zero slots what I'm thinking though is if another giant comes we're all so low one giant could be a problem for all of us

do we have any sort of dimensional space? I have that rope trick it only lasts an hour. You wouldn't be able to do much in there. Let's bank on the fact that if the guy does show up... He only lasts an hour. He won't attack.

No, it's actually pretty good if you're talking about having sex, Brian. What were you saying, Chris? Brian had sex. What? Why don't we go ahead and long rest? I'll stay and watch. Of Brian having sex? I guess.

You guys, let's watch Brian having sex? I guess. You guys, let's watch Brian having sex. That's what he'd like. Let's take a look at that clip. What has happened? One hour later. Not much. Not much has happened. Say it again, Chris. I'll stay and watch. Okay. And you're going to try to rest in the... I guess in the quarters, right?

Yeah, if you want to rest here, the Abyss Droppers seem pretty nervous. They say they'll stay with you for, say, like four hours tops, but they're going to mount up and wait outside, and then if you want to finish a long rest, they're going to leave. All right, I'll go,

but I just was noting just so everybody knows that. Oh, I think we're all tapped. Can't really. Yeah, I'd like to relearn some spells. Okay, so we're just going to travel and then it's a day to Dunkin' or? It's a couple of days. Why don't we travel like two hours outside of camp

so at least we're not at camp target. So we're going to go a distance then. And then camp out overnight. All right. So what I'm going to have you guys do is, it's only two hours. I'm going to have all of you roll uh a stealth and a survival and we're gonna do stealth first so just stealth first i'm gonna go around the table so keep remember your number

uh ken would uh roll and tell me what it is please stealth stealth just stealth yeah oh sorry uh 11 eight 19 playing 13 Eight. Nineteen. Blaine? Thirteen. Fourteen. Okay, and now let's do survival. Let's go Ken again. What'd you get, Ken? Eighteen. What'd you get, Sarah?

Survival. Six. Okay, what'd you get? Twenty-two. Fourteen. Twenty. Okay, at one point,? 22. 14. 20. Okay, at one point, Sarah, how soon, because you are so wounded,

you need TikTok to kind of pick you up and drag you along? I'm actually not wounded at all. Oh, okay. Well, at one point, you're just thinking about the spells you want to learn so hard. I still carry her. Exactly. You needed his over 20 to make up for your six. Also, it is a little bit noisy.

Somebody rolled an eight. I forget who, but that's going to mean that you guys don't necessarily even feel like you're that stealthy as you follow the donkeys through the woods. But two hours in, you stop and they say, OK, well, we'll set up a proper camp here. You're now two hours east uh it's going to be again quite a distance to donkey land still donkey land is a large sort of subcontinent island that used to be a part of a larger country and it's going to be a journey um it's surrounded by spiky cliffs and such and it's it's a lot of terrain to cover so as you set up camp you're going gonna do watch tiktok

i will all right uh and you're going to have gus yes i believe circle up yeah that'd be great hey boss you want me to like uh keep a close distance yeah keep especially a sharp ear where we think if anything's hunting us it might be a giant want me to fly up high so i could see if there's like a good thing all right just. Just be careful. Sure thing, boss. Oh, that's correct. Oh, that's not good. That's a seven for the first heavy clouds and fog.

It's really hard to see anything. All right. Next year. Forest noises. Sure. While he's looking at one moment,'ll kind of look over and and smile at the war donkeys do they have a lot of armor on them yes so they've got like just heavy like shingles of metal plating on them they also look more muscular than mainland cladenheim donkeys

are they like horse-sized almost almost but also stout very exciting uh so that's 20. This time, Gus says, Hey, boss, we definitely got some giants to the north. I see four of them. Are they coming this way? They're not, but they look like they might be focused on our position. They're kind of setting up a mini camp, sharpening their axes and all facing our direction. They're not like aiming weapons,

but it looks like they're either going to head in our direction soon or something. Does it look like they're coming soon? There you go, about a mile away. To them, that's like four feet. I could get closer. No, I don't think closer is the answer. I just need to know when they're coming for us.

If they're not coming for us now, maybe we get through the night and everybody gets rest. Want me to keep a beat on them and I'll let you know right away? Yes, keep a sharp lookout for them. All right, so third watch, please. 14. Okay, so almost all of the third watch goes by. You guys all get full health.

You guys can get your spells back. So please mark that up on your sheets now. I will speak very slowly to give everybody time to do it. Everybody's just starting to wake up. Gus alerts you. Tick tock.

He says, four giants are definitely trying to crouch low and circle us up. Oh. They're just starting to fan out.

They've got two of their big dragon things with them and one of the giants is much taller than the other giants and has multiple heads. Oh, Christ in heaven.

All right, I kick everybody. Wake up, wake up. We did kill those other giants really quickly, though. We did. So we just need to decide. You also had giant rocks that instant killed them that did 130 points of damage. Let's look around.

What can we do here to set up some sort of trap? What would the A-team do is there any way to get out of here like can we slip out of the net that they're tightening everybody do another survival check and i'm gonna go around the table all right oh my don't use this one oh where'd you get ken a one okay so you queep queep shits his uh his curious. What did you get? Six, thirteen, twenty one, but she boo. Oh my God,

two botches on the survival check. Okay, so two of you Mr. High five. Yeah, and then fuck

Dr. Uid as those two fart in each other's mouths or whatever people do when they botch a survival check uh you kind of see yes there is a small cliff to the south that you think everyone could take cover and based on gus's intel they're fanning out but you could actually follow it if you get good stealth check down south and east a little bit. You could maybe get around their surprise attack. Let's do it

and we will do it on the next episode of nerd. What? Oh, poker a cliffhanger of better call Saul. Hey, Sam. Hi, guys. Five five. What do you think happened on five five? I'll be happy to tell you guys a nice quick tight episode

tonight. We're looking for a way to heal. Tick talk. Sarah found a way to work in her patented with two fingers joke how seen got how seen got swallowed and a bum was burned dark. There was forcefully entered into a sour rest tick tock cut someone in half and then talked into it.

Brian burped directly into my brain. There's more giants around here than we think Sarah was your I'm thinking of them spells a reference to the internet meme thinking of them beans those those beans great uh yeah yep uh and finally we pay tribute to the greatest hero we've ever encountered buxom dingle dongs that made me laugh so hard uh anything you want to plug my friend yeah just come see my monthly show at Geeky Teas and Games in Burbank if you're around hey Blaine

what you got I have Lucha Vavum on February 13th and 14th please come check that out and I'm also doing an escape room with Stacy Keach at the Queen Mary it's going to be Wednesdays through uh we're doing

uh nooners and four o'clocks yeah it's gonna be a lot of fun but it's the historic queen mary nooners with the kitchenator that's awesome man i'm telling you it's like i have two wishes left uh brian prasad.com for uh stand updates i've got san franciski coming up and uh what's that place oakland spokane uh spokane that's coming up i love going to both those places and uh grandpa metal coming very soon. Pre-order it now, and then you can get the single Grandpa Metal, which is, I think, dropping next week. And then February 14th, the whole record comes out.

Go buy it on Vinyl. That's how it's pronounced. Yeah, totally. And hope no cassettes yet, but maybe one day, but it's going to be on vinyl and compact dice. Right? Is that dice? Oh, yeah. Can you get it on a wax cylinder yet?

Sure, yeah. And then check that out. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd Thanks for listening.