Nerd Poker - Episode 58 - Clompity

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

The promise of the capital city of Donkeyland, Clompity, looms before the Ice Five as they must make some hard choices. Do they forge ahead, or explore a second, perhaps more confrontational path? Also, oh boy, there might be about to be so many donkeys. 

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 58. All my friends are here. Chris. Hello, Brian. Sarah. Hi. Hello, Brian. Sarah. Nice. Ken.

I predict this will be a lovely episode. Dan. Hey. Hey, buddy. Blaine. Hi, Brian. Hey, pal. I'm at the end of the table.

As always. Sam. Hi, pal. I'm at the end of the table. As always. Sam. Hi, everyone. Wearing the same Billy Joel shirt he wore last episode. He didn't take it off. But his hair is a different color. It's weird. I will get a glamour shot of Sam.

Thank you. So we can post it. There is nothing but glamour shots. That's actually true. Oh, you know, that reminds me, Sam. I got a call from an old friend. He used to be real close. He said he couldn't go on the American Way.

Did he get a ticket? To the West Coast. But now he gives him a stand-up routine in Fort Worth because that's the only place he can get booked. Is that a Billy Joel thing? Yeah. It's a Borat voice.

My wife. What? What's happening? I don't care what you say anymore. This is my wife. Oh, yeah. Okay. That one.

My life. That's how much I love that show. Go ahead with your own life. Leave me alone. Here's the trivia everybody knows about. Oh, it was Bosom Buddies. Bosom Buddies used that. Why? It was a knockoff. Oh, they didn't use the real song?

No, it was like a guy got a call from an old friend. It was like the bad cover. Bad TV cover. It's probably cheaper, right? What if we just sing Billy Joel songs karaoke style for the next hour? Then one of us will die by my hand.

Oh, wow. Can't handle it. You gotta learn to pace yourself. Welcome to a very special Nerd Poker. This will be crazy. I'm still not sure. We'll get a bottle of red, a bottle of white. What's happening? Whatever. I cannot tell if this is a bit.

How about we start the show let's do it no uh before we step in a big pile of shaving cream uh what's going on dan just fucking hanging do you want to thank some people i will i would like to these are people who donate to us these are people who donated donated it's not a donation it is how we jim carroll keep this going uh they are our patreon supporters you should go there you should be one of them it's a great time and these folks they like to give themselves usernames like joshua stone thank you joshua stone thank you thanks remy thatcher thanks remy thanks trash ghost with a zero for a no thank you thanks tg thanks matthew spears

thanks beth hunter and, Primrose Fantasia. Ooh. Thanks, Jack Griffin. Thank you. You know what? Thanks, Dr. Uwitz, Forrest Grone, O.G. Cush. No, thank you.

Thank you, Waka Willis. Thank you, Bull Stallion. Thank you. Thanks, Blaine Goes to 11. Yes, he does. Thanks, Sarah Gazzardo's long-awaited Paladino's visit. Yay!

Have you seen anyone at Paladino's lately, Sarah? Are you literally trying to get me to do that bit when I would give anything for it to end? Thank you. By my hand. I almost kept going to the next person, but you murdered me. Holy shit.

And me, because I love that bit. And Blaine, because he... I know. I couldn't go this weekend. I had to watch it on TV. I watched The Screen Doors. The Screen Doors. Keep staring. Thank you, Zen Smoke. Thank you, Panthro's

Bulge. Thank you, Trond KF. Thank you, Green Eyes. Thank you, Jimmy Davis. Thanks, Om. Thank you, Trond KF. Thank you, Green Eyes. Thank you, Jimmy Davis. Thanks, Omicron, the Raging Weenus. Thanks, James DTJ. And of course, you guys, thank you. Stargoatsy, Stargoyles, Gaping Venus. Oh, hey.

Stargoatsy, Stargoyles, Gaping. We heard you the first time. Oh. You don't like the way I'm doing this? What was it? Stargoatsy. Stargoils. Gaping. I get it.

Venus. Remember Venus? Yeah, we like Venus. He's supposedly swimming around Timeboat. Timeboat, which you left off the shores of Donkey Land. And you know what? While we're talking about the past, why don't we talk a little bit about what happened last time on this podcast the ice five were just wait does the narrator know this is a

podcast you know i'm omnipresent i see a lot of things hey everybody this is this is for my real i am hoping to get some more VO work. I think I'd be real good on some Adult Swim stuff, but I don't know if I've got any good clips yet. Anyway, the Ice Five were descending some stairs hoping to get to a teleportation circle that would get them to Donkey Land proper on the other side of a chasm.

But a couple of real sketchy shit happens. You guys watched Toshinka botch her zipline, much like I did when I was 13 years old and fell on my ass. Hoshinka hit a sort of blur stare at high momentum and skittered her particles away. We're not sure what happened to her. And then when you attempted to hold the Archmage of Vanzervale

accountable for what seemed very much like a trap he set, you noticed a strange dark flame manifesting like a ways back behind you up this staircase. And of course, a strange silhouette noticed by Queep when he went to scout it. Halcine, you got your bell rung

but you're fine now. The rest of you guys are kind of gathering yourselves for another run down the stairs if i'm not mistaken but you've been you know going again for more than a day of travel down these things so um you're getting a little between a rock and a hard place with whatever's coming down these stairs why don't everybody do a little i'm sarah was about to say something but uh put a put a bookmark on that, Sarah. Everybody really quick,

just do an insight check about your general situation. Always handy to do at the top of an episode where we're in this sort of peril. 14. 21. 23. 21.

Holy shit. We're all aware of what's going to happen. 21. You do feel like you're owed at this point some end to this stairs or at least some sign of something else to do uh and i would say dark through with that role you're at least aware from what you know of drow civilization there's got to be some kind of passage or landing soon okay um because these stairs will often be an indication of an underdark gateway. You'll see some sort of either civilization or a room or something.

However, you all kind of feel like this thing might catch up to you soon. So no matter how fast you run, it might only be like two hours before this thing catches up. So we have to make a move the next chance we get. Yeah, let's look for some sort of landing or a rim. Let's get an athletics check if everyone's going to run unless, Sarah, you were about to say something. No.

Okay, so everyone do your athletics check, please. 20. 11. Oh, 19. Sorry. 24. 19. Ooh. 11. 24. 19.

Ooh. 11. 13. That's not too bad. Again, I'm not rolling for Hushinko. Okay, I'm used to doing so far. We get it. We get it.

We killed her. So you might have. Not you. She rolled her own one. Whoops-a-doodle. Whatever. Ziplines, you guys. You all make decent time this hour. Of course the the creeping shadow seems to be getting nearer at the end of the hour however the stairs do uh

start to straighten out the spiral seems to be ending so you're not sure what's going on you could keep going there's no there's no opening yet but it does seem like pretty soon you're going to get a straight line down if it keeps correcting the curve. Is anybody good at picking locks? Should we figure that out now? It seems like Darkthrow, you should be up front. You're our under Darkmaster. Noted.

Oh, I got to walk back up. Oh, wait. I can pick locks. What the hell am I doing? Phone out of my car. Oh, no. What were you going to say? I can pick locks. I'm a moron. I have a finger thing that I can unscrew. Oh, yeah. You're a moron and you can pick locks? That's amazing.

He's got a... Sorry, I'm adjusting my switch. I telephoned it. All right. Good to know. Any other things you're going to keep running? Are you going to do anything else to sort of brace yourselves for what might be... How close do we think it is?

Maybe within an hour or two. Is that the guy from Insidious? I was going to try to put some ice on the stairs, but I think it is? Maybe within an hour or two. Is it the guy from Insidious? I was going to try to put some ice on the stairs, but I think it only lasts the length of the spell. So I think I would have to actually be there. I mean, it's a little confusing, but I mean, you could, you definitely have a few

spells. This is just basic information where you could get the stairs wet, but yeah, there's no guarantee it would stay frozen. Yeah. Would you like to build a snowman it'd be funny to hear a monster i mean i'll cast i will definitely cast it if it gets that close you can throw oil on the stairs did it seem like i thought it was like a fire monster maybe just because it was red it seemed glowy unfortunately based on his kind of not that exciting roles but he didn't feel heat no no in fact it looked like he pointedly did not yeah it felt like it was more magic or or uh

fissure in time and space than it was actual let's keep ready let's not stop all right one more athletics check from everybody and then uh things probably are going to get interesting regardless 24 1 plus 6 oh it's a botch 20 all right 5 19 rolling 100 for me fucking 25 well dark sir you do great unfortunately we're gonna see what happens with my bonus doesn't matter right it's a botch a botch is a botch is a botch is a botch. Always a botch. Thanks, Gertrude. 23? Oh, that's not too bad. You won't take any damage. Okay.

But you are going to require everyone to stop because you trip and roll. Are you flying? No. Okay. Then, yes, you are going to trip. So you're running and it it costs you guys some time um luckily a couple of you did really well so you're not gonna like lose a ton you're just gonna lose like five minutes of your like high speed thing but uh yeah uh he stops you you feel like a dumbass everyone saw you sorry about. Oh, it looks like a pillow exploded.

Are you okay? Someone has to make fun of you guys if you fall down. That's the rule. You get, however, to this point where there is a big archway on the stair stop. However, also, you feel like imminent,

almost as if you will see it far up the straight stair now. There's this corner you can see in the very distance, and it seems like this shape might round it. It's almost like two miles away. All right, let's haul ass through that arch then, yeah? Dark Thread, you want to check it? Ahead of you, you guys see what looks like it used to be the sort of grand entrance to a drow civilization however the the big kind of town um square that would normally be here for visitors or uh guards even looks like

it's half caved in so the the right side of it is just a rubble just smashed the the floor is shattered there's what used to be very clean obsidian tiles now broken uh cracks everywhere you you can get around it to an extent but it kind of blocks off a lot and it looks like there's some kind of deeper halls off to the left if you could we cave the rest of it in behind us if we had to do an insight check All of you can do one. If you want to do some demolitions curiosities. Natural 20. Plus 2.

21. Alright. Alright. Darkthor and TikTok with your thoughts combined. You realize... Our thoughts combined. your thoughts combined. You realize... Our thoughts combined. Say it.

Our thoughts combined. Our thoughts combined. Our thoughts combined. Oh, my God. In a world. You think with a tremendous amount of force, a tremendous amount of force, the ceiling looks loose.

It looks like either either the creation of the chasm or some other great force caused this cave in something else could be done to the ceiling to crash behind you but you'd have to get through the archway a fair bit and either go in one of these side rooms or like really go deep into the sort of smaller and smaller space on the other side of this cave in okay where should we go darth there and with that insight check i mean i'm still not going to tell you what your abilities are you'd have to tell me what you would want to try to do to make the cave-in happen i mean i used shatter before because a non-magical object that isn't worn or carried takes damage i have my force arrows

and uh how far do you need to do shatter from 60 feet so to do it's about 500 feet up this great hall where the it starts if you wanted to kind of go up where the rocks look loosest and most likely to cave in you'd have to get like queep to fly you up to hit shatter right on the ceiling that would be cool that's a good idea oh my god he looks terrifying like we excited or Dr. Uwe you could get Dr. Uwe to probably turn into a green like eagle or something I've wanted to hang

glide on Queep for a while let's go let's go do it all right so you guys have three options the rest of you and this will affect

what Queep and Hal scene do you can't wait for the Christmas party there's sort of two big that are visible two big kind of

archways off to the left where you could go in. So like, let's say this is you guys, let's say this is the archway. Here's the cave. And it's kind of starts right here. And then it increasingly closes this off. So you can either go through a mini archway here,

a mini archway here, or try to go way deep, like kind of where this becomes skinny with no guarantee that you're going to find another archway. It seems like if the idea that this is supposed to get us into donkey land the biggest archways i think would mean these are the same size but yeah you don't see like a necessary like a third this way it just could be like there's there just could be one of them okay well doctor you're the expert what do you think yeah what's my insider what's my gut uh you feel like if there's a teleportation circle it's going to be hidden somehow so uh but at the same time um

you know what let me do let me make you do history check darth vader 19 plus that's 3 no it's just a 1 that's still a 20 yeah you think the traditional spot for this in a drow civilization would be the very first archway

would be where mages, warlocks magic users would set up shops no actually like right here right here you think maybe right there there would be magic stuff okay and it's even even think you see some carvings up on the the archway that indicates some sort of magic although it's a very old drow and is there a way through there it's wide open all right shall we get in there and then check it then you guys are going to do your thing?

Yeah. Is there any like signs of activity like fresh footprints or is it all dusty? How about everybody do the perception checks? 21. 20. 22. 11. Six. So it's a bit tricky. 20. 22. 11. 6.

So it's a bit tricky. It looks like no one's been here in a few days at least, but there are some very faint footprints in the dust. You also see what seems like a strange, like almost like damage done about the size of a humanoid, but almost covered up again, like right next to that first archway. Should we investigate that first?

What the, the damage? Yeah. The human size damage. Yeah. Cause yeah, maybe these things are illusions or something. Sure.

I will let, who, who, if you have a proficiency in Arcana, you can do an investigation check. I do. I do. I do. Go ahead arcana you can do an investigation check i do i do i do go ahead you three can do an investigation check uh 16 natural 20 holy shit is that it plus five i had 15 but who cares with numbers like that 25 yeah can't beat it tiktok you kind of to it. Um, and immediately it just sort of registers with you.

It reminds you of something from far back before you lost your memory. It's difficult to place at first, but you remember this is what somebody does when they, they leave kind of like a, a trace. If they create a, a magic sort of exit somewhere else. So it looks like somebody came in and out,

not through a teleportation circuit, but some other kind of travel magic in this wall and it left kind of some damage. You're not sure why, but this happens sometimes. All right. I explained that to them. Does that mean anything to you guys? That somebody made it might

somebody traveled in and out through some sort of portal. Does it look recent? Yeah, pretty recent. Maybe within the last day even. It looks like fresh damage. It looks like maybe even dust would cover it up at first. It's like this very kind of like thin scratch on the wall. Well, that means somebody's been, but it's not the teleportation circle.

No. It's like somebody drew stuff on the wall almost. Somebody could be down here. Maybe Wally Coyote drew drew stuff on the wall almost somebody could be down here maybe where he could he draw a tunnel on the wall would that be indicating a trap not necessarily it almost looks travel related more travel related and did you try like touching the wall? Sure. Put your hand. Yeah, I'll check it out. Goes right. Oh. I think. The wall's not real?

It's a wall that's not a wall. So is this an illusion or is this travel? Doing our canon check. Only you get to. I walk through. Oh. I hope she's okay. I will let you do this role

and I will immediately respond to what Sarah said. Awesome. Oh, you don't know shit. I did bad. I got a 12. Yeah, you really kind of rack your brain for what to do. And before you get to get rid of it,

you guys all just see Halcine stride right through the wall and disappear. Cut to Belize. Poolside. Yeah, hanging out with Jackie O. I thought it was just like a fake fake door basically to the

to the circle area oh yeah so if it is I want to pop back out and be like see it's just a fake door yeah

we're waiting to see what happens so Halcine you stride through the wall and for a second you just feel this like ghoul in your gut

oops um and uh you kind of like shake your head for a second and look around do a perception check nine and now do an insight check this is going to be whether you're going to be at the grove or the americana oh 19 okay so although you can't see very well your eyes are kind of blurry um you kind of like put your hand out for a second to try to like get your bearings again

it almost feels like you got your bell rung a second time in one day um and you kind of look around you're like this is not donkey land i've been here before it there's like snowy woods or around you by the archmages tent with that uh insight check yes you think you might be near the area where the archmage can i go back through or is there nothing there you look behind you there is a large tree with what looks like an outline scratch oh cool okay go. Go to Christmas Land this time. So I go back through. Uh-huh. What's this? What's this? Another second where you're like,

like you feel gross. You feel gross, but you, and your eyes blur, but you come out. I tell them, this teleports right back to the Archmage. This is how he got. All of you would know this is not what you were originally looking for. Right right I would say also at this point

you all kind of notice up the stairs there is a dark shape slowly moving about a mile and a half it's already past me and that thing

it's nice to know we can get out if we need to run out through this thing wow you think keep looking for the teleport you think if the

teleportation circle is here it's through this archway this is like etched in the wall. You would want to keep going this way. Yeah, well, that's what I mean. So do we want to go to Donkey Land or do we want to hash things out a bit with the Archmage of Angeville?

No, I was just saying if this thing comes down and we have... I think we do want to go to Donkey Land though, right? I mean, now we know this is here. That must be how he got the flump and maybe set up the trap and did all that other stuff. Right. I mean,

we could bust this thing also so that, you know, he can't come through. I mean, you did talk about how you're going to create a cave in, which would maybe affect this portal. The one thing is, is maybe he's not expecting us.

He thinks he's expecting to catch us if he's catching us through the thing Hoshinka came through. So he's staring at that or some other thing. He's maybe not expecting us to get to fucking kick in the door. Do we know anything about like how long this, like, is this a permanent kind of gateway? Do we think

a tick tock? You think it is meant to be at least semi-permanent but that it could be canceled by the caster okay so do you want to go fuck his shit up and then come back is what you're thinking yeah i'm just i'm just saying here's an opportunity to talk to this guy if we want to but yeah donkey land it would ultimately mean we have to fucking haul us back through donkey land again which is it would be really fun to just like march and be like, your voicemail is full. We're here. I'll throw you guys a few just narrative bones.

It feels like, yeah, I mean, you don't have any real obligation to go to Donkey Land, except you did tell the people of Dame Island you're going to call for reinforcements to protect them from the narwhal folk. And you you could go through this portal and do that. But you don't know what would happen. Yeah, that's why it feels like we should continue with what we were doing, but know that this is here and this is how we can get back.

Cool. Yes. I mean, we could even set the timeboat people free to meet us back then, you know, so we don't have to go all the way back through giant land or whatever to get to home. Oh, and say meet us at the coast yeah we could do that we did give them money to get through that toll yeah yeah they were gonna wait for you only about a week right and then they were gonna just spend the money you

kind of leave that left them as a deposit to go spend our plan was to send back you know some kind of message if they could. So we'll see. All right. So what's next? Are you going to go through this gate and look for the teleportation circle? And you're not going to cave in the ceiling? No hang gliding with Queef? If we can teleportation circle, let's just do it and get out of here. All right.

So you're going to head through this gate. so you're gonna head through this gate you feel a sense of uh definitely foreboding doom as you go through this gate and you're just kind of like like where's this teleportation circle where's this teleportation circle because you know this thing is coming uh down the stairs and it's like you know up here and so you go in here and yeah it looks like there's uh as dark through suspected like former mage quarters a lot of the furniture has been cleared out uh it looks sort of like it has been made to at least look like it has been abandoned um but you guys can all tell with just basic insight like this this is kind of just something's been done here to kind of fake, make it look boring.

You kind of walk around. There's a few side rooms, a few offices, and then in the back, there's a stone door. That's it, right? Let's do it. Yeah, stone door. Check for traps. It is locked.

Check it out. You can try to do a check traps. Check with a perception. Anybody can really check for traps, but you're going to have to do one at a time. I didn't find any. Investigation. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. It's investigation. I got 12. I had more before. Doesn't feel like there's no traps. 13. Tic Tac goes up. Also doesn't feel like there's no traps. 13. Tic Tac goes up. Also doesn't feel like there's traps.

20. Yeah. Halcyon goes up. Doesn't feel like there's traps. She feels real good about it. I kick open the door. It's stone, so you kind of like... Ow, my foot.

Can I pick it? It is locked, yeah. But first, do a strength check for me, Halcyon. You never know. What do first? Natural 20. You guys see how seen just like back up. I'm going to describe this for us with the, give me the best kick, single foot kick to

a stone door that you can narratively describe. Oh, you can use two feet if you really want. I don't know if you want to drop kick this thing. No. Yeah. It's just one. Imagine you're going to pull it off and like yeah so I just like back it up and then I'm like

you had to be a big shot and I like kick it over as her foot slams into it Ali dances in the audience applause it just you guys just hear this deep thud that seems to go five feet into the stone and uh you see as she pulls her foot away just like the outer layer of the stone like kind of you know a paper mache layer of paperish kind of thin rock just kind of like goes

like falls off and scatters on the ground and little cracks kind of go in every direction. Wow. It doesn't break, but something's happened. You haven't tried to open it yet, but you could definitely... Let's open it. Give a little push and it just sort of goes... and opens up. Yeah, with her bonus to strength, that was

enough. I mean, she rolled a natural 20. Let's go. Broke the lock. Way to go. You head down there's uh through this door and it's immediately more stairs they're smaller this time um and you can tell after just a little bit you're going into some kind of mage's quarters you go down and uh sure enough you round and there is drawn in the ground in chalk teleportation circle. Those of you who are proficient in Arcana would immediately go, oh, that's what we were

hoping to find. Who knows teleportation spell? A spell? We thought it was like a circle. It is. Does anybody know one? Does anybody have a scroll to know about one? Scroll of teleportation? Yes. Does anybody have a scroll? Scroll of teleportation? Yes, we do have a teleportation scroll.

Do you? We do. I believe the... Is that one of the gifts the Baron gave us? Yeah, we got a teleportation scroll. Because I got... We got some Facebook... Oh, yeah.

People want you to use your gifts more. I think largely they want you to use... You have fun bonuses on your sword. And I know know dr uid like people been telling you man and like uh like your your your hand claws you've almost used a couple times i should have told you two two three episodes ago oh my uh your rune sword i'm always wearing this i thought yeah you could be using those boots for i thought somebody gave us a teleportation scroll in like an emergency. I almost thought it was the Archbishop of Anzorville.

Maybe it was when we went to attack the Narwhal Lake area. That guy gave us a bunch of stuff, right? I wrote down teleportation scroll. I just remember the context. Do you remember who gave it to us? Well, it doesn't matter. At least you know you have one. It was supposed to be like in case of emergency. Do an investigation check or an Arcana check, your choice, on the context. Do you remember who gave it to us? Well, it doesn't matter. At least you know you have one. It was supposed to be in case of emergency.

Do an investigation check or an Arcana check. Your choice on the scroll. I feel like these people, they would remember. We wouldn't remember because it was months ago. It is with Arcana 19. Yeah, I mean, you feel like just looking back and forth in this that all you guys need to do is step into it. Oh, okay. But I'm only giving that to you because he took a scroll out.

Guys, let's hold hands and jump in. Is it big enough for us all to go at the same time? No, but I'm only giving that to you because he took a scroll out guys. Let's hold hands and jump in. Is it big enough for us all to go at the same time? No, but it's big enough that you could all pretty much go

two at a time and yeah, two by two. All right, two by two going for a man left. Yeah, let's do

it. Y'all step in and Gus to perched upon your shoulder. There is there is a sense for a second like you're all being stretched very thin you all feel very like like just free for a second like you're in like one of those sensory deprivation pods and your body doesn't even exist and you all like

elastic snapping in the ice cold kind of like it hmm? It just feels really good. Some good sativa with that one. And you kind of like back into position in reality and you're all going to need to do a constitution saving throw. Should we have gotten Hoshinka from? Natural 20. Oh. Hey. Beautiful.

Hey, everybody, while you're doing this role, this is the kind of thing I'm trying to track this a little bit. What was your constitution save bonuses? Would you be so kind as to take a quick peek at your... Mine is zero, but I rolled a 14. Mine is plus five, and I am proficient. In constitution? Yep.

Everybody's proficient in two kinds of saving throws, depending on your class. Oh, I didn't realize how little a dot was. Oh, I got a natural 20, but my... What are we looking for here? I'm sorry. It's your Constitution save bonus. Constitution save bonus.

That's the dot thing? Queep, what'd you get? Five. Oh, I have a five. It just has a dot. Cool. And what'd you roll? Four.

Brian, what'd you get? Nine plus two. I think it's just a three. And 17. Nice. Someone help Blaine find his constitution save bonus just so we have some closure on it. Yeah, where is it?

He rolled high enough. He's going to be fine. You're all going to be fine. Your constitution save bonus is plus three. It's a three. Okay, yeah, that's what I thought it was. Okay. Great.

Sorry, thanks. So none of you hork as you snap into existence. But, however, you realize you are now in what looks like a rocky, cliffy area. This feels more like Donkey Land, Halcine, than your little thing you did a second ago. And as you step through, you see behind you, there's another teleportation circle. Two halfling guards kind of like shake their heads. um two halfling guards kind of like shake their heads they're standing in front of you like kind of guarding a a pathway through uh this sort of rocky cliff face into a small canyon um uh what what's going on we're meeting um some who are you

piffle pot what what are they called yeah What are the guys? We remember their names. Kill, Beak, Huddle, Buttlebuttle. Well, you originally met with three Abyss droppers. The druid was named Pezzy Dinkleshine. They were going to

meet at the bottom. The paladins were named Blurred Periwinkle and Plinka Tonkalu. Dan, you're forgetting one. Plinka Tonkalu. You talking about Buckum's Dongledee?

No, Buckum Dingledong. No, it was Buckum's Dongledee. That sounds like Windchimeimes fucking. What is happening? The guards, they're kind of like, oh, yeah, we're familiar with those names. Didn't we agree we were going to meet them at the bottom? They were like, we'll see you at the bottom.

We're not making that up. I thought they said they were going to beat us also by hour. They were going to. Yeah, they were going to take a different way across. They were going to feather fall to the other side slowly. Oh, so they're past where we are. They're probably underground from where you are right now, you think. And there's a possibility they could be on their way up.

But you didn't have a meeting point other than maybe Clompety. Oh, I thought we were meeting them at the teleportation circle. Yeah, I thought so. It's possible they could be coming, but I don't think I said that specifically. We should tell the guards, hey, there's a giant glow monster about to plug up your hole.

What? I'll say. Gross. Also, there's a monster coming. Okay, so I'm going to do a dispenser's gift for a second. Yeah, what's that? Do a persuasion check tiktok but if that monster was sent by the archmage maybe he's going to return

through the well i'm just just a 10 what's your bonus to persuasion zero uh they both lower their halberds and say, We cannot allow the Mechanical Man through. His kind have caused great war and strife. Prove yourselves to be friends of these names and that you are not, in fact, the ones who slayed them. We have no evidence these abyss droppers live. He's a different and special Mechanical Man. I am TikTok, the Mechanical Man. He's a good and special mechanical man. I am TikTok, the mechanical man. He's a good guy. So he says. I cast

calm emotions. All right. Would you remind our listeners how that one goes especially? Sure. It goes a little something like this. Calm emotions.

The calmest of spells. Begins with a phrase. To suppress. Strong emotions in a group of people. Each humanoid in a 20-foot radius sphere centered on a point you choose within range must make a charisma saving throw. The creature can choose to fail if it wishes. Two fails. And if it fails, it can choose one of the following effects, but I'm going to...

They rolled a five and a six. So I can make the target indifferent about creatures of my choice that it is hostile toward. So TikTok specifically, it seems they're worried about. Yeah. So I'm going to make them indifferent instead of hostile. Okay. So they both kind of shake their heads for a second I think you guys are you got you can tell that this is not a normal

war forged he is a special creature yes he's got a very nice outfit he's our ally you just made not the droid you're looking for you just made them woke yeah they are you

woke is your business with the Baron of of Clompety we come as emissary there's a Baron? yes we come as emissaries of the not emissaries but I was once the servant of the Baron of Peppermint we see

alright fellow Baron who's the Baron of Clompety how come we haven't heard about this guy before? Here we go. Oh, no. Do you know a song about this guy? Baron Flinkus von Schiffelche.

Oh, man. Did you say Flinkus? Flinkus von Schiffelche. Oh, Flinkus. How long has he been Baron? 25 years. 25 years? Correct. Since before the incident indeed he held on to power that whole time civil chief he did he united donkey land against invaders such as

the war forged got it to the west well we are actually here because we know about your prowess as fighters and And so we're here to recruit some help for some of our weaker, some of the weaker lands in Clottenheim. Understood. Well, we are two brave fighters

ourselves and we wish you. Hey, do you guys have fun names? We do. We are Sergeant Blinky Fussfella and Sergeant Hushles Tinkleflop. Well, I like Sergeant Hushfella. I wish that was the guy I reported to. It's Fussfella and Sergeant Hushel's Tinkleflop. Well, I like Sergeant Hushfella. I wish that was the guy I reported to.

It's Fussfella. Thank you very much. Oh, Fussfella? It's Blinky Fussfella and Hushel's Tinkleflop. Don't make a fussfella. Of the Hampton Fussfellas? Good day, sirs. Would you like us to say our name or perhaps the names of our extended families?

Okay, bye. They, you know, lower, they unlower. They raise their halberds more in a general protective stance. However, they're eyeing the teleportation circle where you promised a glow monster might suddenly. Oh, how do we get where we're going, by the way? Head back through this canyon. Clompity is only a mile away. We did it. Should I put my hood up? Yes. Yeah, is only a mile away. We did it.

Should I put my hood up? Yes. Yeah. Put on a, do you say this out loud near the two guards? Oh no. As we, as we're getting away.

No, I'm just starting to say these guys like, Hey, should I, do I, I think I still have that bearskin jacket with the big hood. Should I be maybe incognito for a bit? Okay.

You all realize as you kind of walk a little bit through the Canyon, the placing of the sun, it looks like it's setting it looks like you are currently on heading east and just based off of where you were it seems

you're about on the southwest corner of donkey land maybe not far across the chasm from where you originally were on the other side doctor can you make plants grow? Well, I, I,

I killed a few succulents in college, so I'm not really good with plants. Oh, I mean, I, I mean, I have plants growing. That's my hair.

I know. I was going to say, maybe you have control. You could give me like a beard, like a plant beard as a disguise. Ooh, why have we not done this 50 episodes ago? I don't know if I can,

I don't know if I can do plants, but I can, uh, yeah. What do you, I'll tell you what, why don't you rub your chin on my head? And maybe some,

maybe, uh, there'll be some sort of like a chia thing. Do you want still, I don't think that any of this is going to, I'm, it sounds fun and intimate, but I don't think it's actually going to help disguise TikTok to an insight check.

Straight insight. Probably not good. Nine. You think it is indeed very hard to disguise yourself. There might be any number of things you could do to successfully change the way you look however glasses put some glasses on all right well if anybody's got any yeah i'll be fine i'll just keep my hood up and now as you put it up all of you guys would just sort of passive insight notice he's much taller than most of you he does still stick out as sort of a lumbering different thing and you know he would with halflings uh however you are able yeah

with your clothes and your hood able to kind of look a little less like a war forged what if we put gus on top of my shoulders like a real classic uh dressing up two middle school kids sneaking into the r-rated movie scenario there's a giant trench coat with a tiny little dragon head on top. You could make it look like he has a little dragon head, but you don't know if that would probably look a little more distracting or worse. I feel like we're definitely overthinking this

because, look, we did just manage to get through the guards. I don't want to put the burden all on your shoulders. No, I hear you, but I say let's see how it goes. Great. Maybe. All right.

Right? Yeah. So you head through this canyon. It's only a mile, but it's very twisty and narrow. You can tell that halflings have made this trek before. There is what you're pretty sure is unreadable, but a recognizable halfling riding on little plaques every you know like few feet it looks like there's markings being acknowledged you get you get around a bend at

one point and it opens up and you see the city of clompety the canyon kind of like reveals itself into a large open valley uh with big sharp rocks uh coming up at an angle inwards clearly protecting it from anything but some sort of airborne attack um there are everywhere small humble kind of rural looking huts in the distance you see what is a black obsidian castle that looks very well armed with giant spikes sticking out of it walking around everywhere there's halflings many of them appear to be either mercenaries of some kind or magical in nature they all have a kind of gruff look upon there's kind of like a grim seriousness to clompety um and and uh you don't see any kids on the street it seems like there is some sort of you know uh regiment to whatever the social

dynamics are of this city where the kids just don't run around they've maybe got a strict bedtime it seems like kind of a militaristic society and you do see everywhere donkeys there's uh donkeys completely free of any halflings just walking around there's a pasture of donkeys with grass kind of like almost artificially growing out of the rock that they're grazing on and there are battle donkeys being ridden by halflings covered in armor wearing helmets uh weapons attached to their sides that they can clearly use to ram things. But they all look pretty similar. Like their armor is created by some sort of local government. There's like battering donkeys and cavalry donkeys.

All kinds of war donkeys. All ridden by someone who looks like they're wearing also like city guard armor. This is the greatest rank and bass special. Donkeys in gold. There's a small. Donkeys in gold. Like 10 foot wall kind of between even this canyon. And there are a couple more guards before you can just walk in,

but you can see through the main gates, which are open the city. And so the idea is that we're going to talk to the Baron, try to get up, get some troops, send them back. Then we'll head back to deal with all the shit we have going on elsewhere. We still haven't the violet fang.

Maybe we can talk to the Baron about the violet fang as well. Just to recap. Right. All right. Let's try to talk to the baron if you walk up there's two more guards hi hello they both lower their hall birds what business have you in donkey land we're here to uh petition the baron on behalf of the city of Dame Island. We've come seeking fighters of grit and metal to wage war against

the Giants on another front. Please do a persuasion check with advantage. But I was so eloquent but um fine it was a oh but i have advantage already so do i get to roll four times um i will let you roll one more time you don't have a token of inspiration one more time no i don't okay does anyone have a token someone does i think blaine might have one thing am i wrong token of what inspiration on does. I think Blaine might have one. Am I wrong? Token of what? Inspiration?

Natural 20 on my third time. I don't think you need it. Plus four. Okay. So. You. Sorry. It's on my old.

But you do have one? Yeah. It's on my old character sheet. I made a new character sheet, Dan. Thank you, Blaine. By the way, Blaine that he he he leveled up very well and i was very proud of him uh hey blaine here take this physical manifestation of an inspiration token so you'll remember thanks that was great that's really funny because people did say it looks like a cookie it does it looks like a girl scout cookie so you explain this to them those

are good look in the razor halberds again oh god damn it those call these are a tagalogues aren't they I forget Samoa's Samoa's natural 20 means one of them waves another guard over and says that you keep watch I will escort them to the Baron. Nice. And you are walked through the gates by Sergeant Flubbous Shinkleshoe. Sure. No one asked.

Shinkleshoe! Those beautiful shinkleshoes. You leave behind you Sergeant Blickle's flizzle-foo and you head towards what, the keep? I mean, wherever he's escorting us. You did express also interest in meeting the Violet Fang, which might not be in the keep. mean wherever he's you did express also interest in um meeting the violet fang which might not be in the keep you don't know no i think we should we're talking to the baron first right i think our main purpose here was to get the troops so let's do that one thing and then

yeah do you want to stop and talk to anyone else about their names no let me think about it no okay so uh the guard who's playing at the paladinos here uh not called paladinos it's called like blue fluff binksies plinkledinkles you guys are escorted by sergeant flubbis to uh baron flinkus's keep um you kind of walk around up to the keep, and there's more guards. Sergeant Flavus offers to continue to escort you to the king's quarters.

He's winding down his evening. Do we want to talk to this guy about anything? Sergeant Flavus? I'm just saying maybe he might know. At this point, you're through the keep's gate also. You're indoors. This is the first donkey land person we've been able to. Yeah, anybody else?

You're in Donkey Land. Yeah. You're officially no longer traversing towards, but in the borders of Donkey Land. We've made it. Now what? But yeah, what do you want to ask Sergeant Flat? I feel like TikTok's curious about something at least.

I'm trying to keep quiet so I don't get in trouble. Oh, but you're maybe whispering. You can whisper questions to me and I'll ask him. Ask him about the Warforged attack. Oh. So how long have you lived in Donkey Land? I mean, in Cloppity.

I was born in Cloppity. How old does he look to me? Middle-aged. So were you here when the, what do they call it? The event? Yeah. We call it something a little different.

Everyone calls it something different. Were you here when the event happened? I was. How did that go down in Donkey Land? It was terrible. Many halflings died. Some of us retreated and came back. We had to rely on our druids to save us.

They helped create the chasm that protects us based on the damage the comet did. We were able to manipulate the earth, and we are now fortified and protect ourselves from the forces of the Tenebrous One. The Tenebrous One. Who of course

you know employs the giants and the dragons. Employs them. Have you guys ever just tried to go after him? That's the plan. We plan to go into the mountain and destroy him. Oh, inside the mountain?

Yes. Did we know that? Sorry. There's been hints of it. This is maybe the most directly. We knew there was a mountain. But did we know that Tenebris One was in that mountain? We knew Tenebris One was in some sort of like super thing at the top.

Another fang? There's like two fangs. Oh, where's the map of Klottenheim i'm not i'm forgetting somebody bust out your map the mountain should be labeled and say uh so you plan on going inside the mountain to get him huh that's right pandemonium's fang pandemonium's fang i thought that's what i forgot uh so you're gonna when is that what's the schedule it's tough the the tenebrous one resides in another plane it's more of a portal to his domain that's inside the mountain got it

got it but he is attempting uh there's a few people trying to take him out there's that arch mage trying to take him out there's there's a lot of people trying to defeat the tenebrous you ever think about teaming up all together so that not with the archmage we have our own theories about what he wants what do you think he wants maybe it's better you talk to the baron about that he is he's well versed in the arcane arts you know what i i'm happy to talk to him but sometimes i find that you know real people people who are close to the action and you know really have a sense of what's going on better but sometimes then you know the uh the way at the i'll tell you what i think please do a persuasion check okay no wait i have advantage hold on uh 14 okay i just think we got to beat the archmage that's what i think we got to get past him we got

to get there before he does but the the giants are trying to kill the archmage and us and that's what I think we got to get past him we got to get there before he does but the giants are trying to kill the archmage and us and that's the real problem a lot of sides to this puzzle I got to tell you if the archmage beats us I think something even worse is going to happen that's what I think

what would happen if the giants were gone do we have any idea how we would defeat the between us as. No, I mean, I think this is what's there's so many factions and some of them are seem to be fighting for the same thing in different ways. That's why it's confusing. So we're,

we're sort of figuring that out. I think as we go, we know that the Tenebris one is the ultimate. Root of all of this. So everybody is against the Tenebrous one is the ultimate root of all of this so everybody is against the tenebrous one and you'd think the archmage would lead everybody like sort of like a gandalf but everyone is so supremely creeped out by him that and is convinced that he's up to absolutely no good he's gonna become the tenebrous one or whatever. That was a theory you had a couple episodes ago. Okay.

So thank you. That was very helpful. Sure. I get my marching orders directly from the Baron. So they try to keep intelligence as transparent as possible amongst our people. I like that system. So you guys head in and you are brought through a couple of doors and you see the Baron. Baron Flinkus is wearing dark black robes. He appears to be a mage of some kind, either a wizard or a warlock.

You're not exactly sure because none of you are either of those things. Everybody do, if you would be so kind, an insight check. 21. 21. 17. Nine. 19. Whoa. 10.

Okay. Well, Halcine, you're the only one, but you recognize him from Baron Peppercreen's dinner. He was there. Oh, my goodness. He turns and looks at you and. He says, hello. Kind of nods for the sergeant to leave.

The sergeant brought you. This must be important. I'm not afraid of visitors. He was at the dinner yes um like as one of the guests i think that's good right yeah do we do we lead with that i don't know it's tricky why am i always the person someone else you take the lead so often it's i don't want to you become very much like the public facing spokesperson than. Better than the Admiral.

You're the Admiral. You are the Admiral. You're the Admiral hat. It's much more fun. Please. What's that? You say one of you is an Admiral. The character has high charisma, but I don't. Well, that means if you do a role, no matter how goofy you are, I'll back you up narratively.

All right. So why don't you do a persuasion check first to make you feel like you know what to role play, and then we'll get into the conversation. And don't write any persuasion checks. Your persuasion ass can't cash. What's your bonus to persuasion? It's a six. That's great.

Are you proficient? Nice. So you get to roll twice. First is a three. Here comes your son. Good night. Hey, buddy. I love you.

That's not bad, actually, with your bonus. Yeah. Oh, no. 16. He gets to roll twice. Did he? He did. And his first roll was a three. And his second was a 10. And he has a plus six. Oh, no. 16. Yeah, yeah. He gets to roll twice, did he? He did. Okay.

And his first roll was a three, and his second was a 10, and he has a plus six. Entrance of a child. Yeah, nothing like a child wearing a Winnie the Pooh onesie coming in to make you wonder what's happening. So,

yeah, it was 16. Just keep that in mind. That's pretty good. So, you know, he says, so,

you're of some group, I take it? Does he know uh he doesn't seem to know what do you know he's i mean at least he's i had no echo i hand you the letter the the the mayor of uh dame island he did you take back his carrying yeah we're uh we're some people know us as the ice five uh and the mayor of Dame Island sent us. He takes a minute to read it, nods very well. It seems of great importance. I don't speak to Dame Island much, but... Doctor, tell him who we are.

I told him. Yeah, but I mean, you know, do it. Weave your web of wonderful story. I hate you so much. Someone's yanking on a cord and pulling my laptop off the table. Mind your feet. Everybody. That's me.

That's together. No, there's a thing down there. Sorry. Everybody's got happy feet. I get it. Um, anyway,

we've have wonderful tales. Darker. Would you like to tell him the, the feats of the ice five? Chris and I can never be in an improv group. One night only. Killed a bunch of giants. I mean, he tells you, yes, I will send forces.

Absolutely. I don't know if I can afford any of my abyss droppers more than one, perhaps, but I will send mounted donkeys. War donkeys? We definitely need mounted donkeys. I will send mounted donkeys to help protect them from the giants.

Absolutely. I can send a battalion of at least 40. That should be more than enough. And we do have other matters to discuss as well. I see. Right? Yeah, go ahead. I will let have other matters to discuss as well. I see. Right, Admiral? Yeah, go ahead. I will let you do your own persuasion check.

You can do it. Why can't I piggyback? Oh, what are the other? Yeah, so what? Can I just tell him what the things are and then he can do it? Yeah, I'll do it. You want to tell him that it seems like

we have maybe some enemies in common. Oh, we have some goals as well. Common enemies and goals that we could discuss. All right. Why don't you roll a persuasion check for me, sir? I get twice, right? Yes, you do.

That'd be a 19. Or a nope. Or a nope. Or a nope. I'll take the 19. Tell me about these common enemies. What are we talking about here? Who? Common enemies.

Are you looking at me to tell you? Yes. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to say. That's why I hate this shit. That's a numerous one. You remember. Oh, yeah. But I didn't know that's what we were talking about.

Yeah. You're mounting your own yeah. But I didn't know that's what we were talking about. Yeah. You're mounting your own campaign against him. The Ice Five? You're a clan of some kind? With... Are you a ranking member? He's an arch enemy of Chris Tolman right now. You guys can talk, too.

I confess I have not heard of the Ice Five before. How is that possible? Really? We don't get a lot of news from... We're pretty... We're pretty busy trying to launch our own frontal assault against the giants. We killed a giant not so long ago. We kill giants all the time.

We brought democracy to... What's the name of that town that we started in? Bozor? Yeah. We brought democracy to Bozor. And... Interesting. I've started in? Bozor? Yeah. We brought democracy to Bozor. Interesting. I've heard tell of Bozor. Oh, perhaps he knows your beer, Halcine.

Yeah. Have you tried Halcine Stout? Confess I've never been to Bozor and haven't really heard news from it in 10 years or so. We also saved Dame Island from the Cult of the Vaunted Tusk. Oh, no. The Cult of the Vaunted Tusk. I was no. The Cult of the Vaunted Tusk. I was trying to remember the name of those assholes. Ah, yes.

I was your butler aboard the spaceship. Dun, dun, dun. Do a, we'll call it a charisma check. I wish it was intimidation. Hey, Sam, how much time we got left? We have four minutes. Funsies. 19.

Why didn't you just blurt that out? Way more fun. I should tell you, I do not have fond memories of the Baron of Peppergreen, but I recognize you all. I think we're on the same- You were there indeed. All of you. I think we have similar feelings, you and us. Interesting.

You wouldn't know what happened to him, would you? As his former compatriot? I heard he's hiding out inside of a pen somewhere. Where? I don't know. If you find out, would you tell me? Well, let's talk. Very well. You were launching a campaign against the

tenebrous one what well we're seeking to unite everybody who is of course we can uh we hear the archmage though he has the same goals in mind may not be the best absolutely not the same goals in mind well he intends to become the tenebrous oh you okay well that's great we can check that off our list because we were wondering if that was the case he intends to become the Tenebris. Oh, okay. Well, that's great. We can check that off our list because we were wondering if that was the case. We weren't sure that was true. He intends to inherit his power. The Tenebris one lives primarily in the plain of Gehenna where he has sort of been able to take over the mantle of Orcus,

another horrible evil being who was exiled to Gehenna. Work for Orcus? That's right. No, no, no, no. He's already been ascending the Archmage. He's already an immortal arch-lich and has been around for a long time, traversed many planes, and wants to ascend to demigodhood.

And he believes he can use this mantle, this sort of power that lurks in gehenna if he can overthrow manzikori and the current holder of the mantle and bring his own immortality across many planes oh well this is extremely helpful he does not like us so that might uh you might but he is looking for us um Does he know how to find you? He a couple times has figured it out. We do have a direct line to him. A direct line?

What does that mean? We have a communication device that we can use to threaten him, which is basically what we've used it for. Oh, no. What? What kind of device? What does that mean? Is it Rocky Talky? It's like from Samsung.

You know, the thing is... Show me this device. The thing is trace... Oh, is that... Letting him trace us here. Oh, now you say it, Blaine. Show me this device.

Show me this device. Just a curve. Yeah, we show it to him. You show it to him and he goes, oh, no. Oh, no. And on that note...

Oh! Oh! Throw out the SIM card. Quick, quick, wash your jeans with it in the pocket. Not a burner. Rocky,

Rocky, talkie. Hey, what do you think happened on this episode of nerd poker? Sam in episode 58, Dan's recaps are for me as much as they are you. Oh, we're trying to go to donkey land. I now understand the last game.

We're teleporting. I think we should all be casting calm emotions. What kind of place wouldn't allow TikTok? We made it to Clompity. I think we're trying to put a crew together. I hope we're not doing a heist because we're bad at that. And sometimes kids die. Oh, fuck.

Yes, the Admiral is coming out. And oh, I forgot. someone lives inside of a pen i love this game oh boy it's all true uh anything you want to plug uh anybody uh sure end of may i will be opening for pat noswalt at largo atgo at the Patton Oswalt and Friends show. Blaine has done that. It's a great time. Yes. I'm going to be on a cruise ship with Stacy Keach doing scenes from Say Anything.

I'm playing Ione Sky. It's going to be great. And you know, speaking of Stacy Keech and ships, Stacy Keech and I are in the last ship with Sting. Heads up, it's six hours long. Wow.

I'm in a big pile of ships. And you never come, right? No, no. We just become one. Grandpa Metal. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker. And you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069. Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.