Nerd Poker - Episode 6 - Revenge of the Inside Out

Episode Date: March 21, 2018

In addition to attempting to thwart a ritual at the base of the spire, our heroes face a huge swarm of those gross-looking inside out monstrosities. We're talking monstrosities that grab you, trap you in their ribcage like a venus flytrap, then try to run away with you while you kicking your legs in the air. Why Dan, why? And it looks like Twee may need a new plan, as he's feeling a little too emo to unleash his arcane nature. Will this be the final encounter already??

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Episode 6. Yeah. Sarah. Hello. Hi.

Well, hi, Sarah. She's back. Season 2, you guys. We did it. Well, hi, Sarah. She's back. Season two, you guys. We did it. We convinced her to come back. I don't even know how. It's so dumb to get in this game. Ken.

Yeah. Dan. Hello. Blaine. I would like to thank a Patreon person or two. Oh, me too. I've got a couple. Tila's Taint and Beastman's Bunghole.

You saw that on my Patreon? No, they gave me 20 in Austin last week. Oh, nice. Tealist Taint and Beastman's Bunghole. That's pretty good. Thanks, guys. If I could just throw in there a little I'll just do this one

this person is it cool if I say how much they pay per month or is that like should I not say yeah this person

let's just say they upped their pledge significant amount that's very cool they're going to get mentioned a lot thank you grilled cheese daddy

thanks grilled cheese he's relatively anonymous I love grilled cheese but I really appreciate that thank you and ladies That's very cool. They're going to get mentioned a lot. Thank you, Grilled Cheese Daddy. Thanks, Grilled Cheese Daddy. He's relatively anonymous. I love Grilled Cheese Daddy. But I really appreciate that. Thank you. And ladies, he's Kraft Single. You mean like Skeletor's Dick? Skeletor's Dick's still pledging more than they need to as well.

Nice. Thanks, Skeletor's Dick. I know we love you. But that's cool. Thanks. Grab me for luck You guys just Damn it He-Man I have needs

I love that his dick has the same voice as him Well it makes sense You're giving him the same His dick the same voice as he has. Oh, right. Give him a different voice. Wait, did you think? No, I wasn't imagining his urethra pursing its lips.

I was being Skeletor talking about his dick. No one was imagining that. No. Now we are. That may have been a deliberate choice on my part just to disturb everyone more than I already do. Ventriloquist throws his urethra at somebody else. That weird 80s animation.

Oh, God, that animation was so weird. Because, I mean, I miss hand-drawn animation because of just how detailed it was. But then when they started cutting corners, inevitably, within a few episodes, because it was all slave labor, it would get really depressing. Snarf, snarf, I'm gonna jump

off the roof of the icon building. Snarf. Oh no. Gentlemen and lady, you are in a cursed magic college. You're near the base of a magical tower that's sprouted. I have to know somebody to get in.

Sorry, that's the magic castle. And we're with a mopey elf. With a mopey elf named Tui. And again, Tui, you just feel like all the hard stuff you've done to him. Cue Tori Amos. If you could just give your pain to someone else. I don't know. I'm bummed. You should find someone else to give your pain to someone else. I'm bummed.

You should find someone else to give your pain to because I think he's been really leaning into that. Definitely feels like he said that phrase. He's been putting some mustard on it when he gives it to you. Yeah, man. Some spicy brown mustard. So good. You hear it.

You're in the middle. We haven't had fat sows in a while. We have to have fat sows. I strongly hinted that we could be ordering fat sows. I just like exhaled so loudly and I almost knocked everything on the table over. That was Sam clearing his nasal passage so he can smell the fat sows.

Yeah, well, it's because they have a new sandwich that's in a slice of pizza. I put on a good 20 pounds since they moved into town. Sir hasn't had fat cells? No. That's so good. Next time we'll get fat cells. We are going to play again, and we will order fat cells. Okay.

Do you like sandwiches with everything possible in them? Is this fun for you guys to listen to? I bet not. I'm sure it is. No, probably. Hey, you know what I like to have on a sandwich? Let's talk about sandwiches. Meat and some cheese. Guys, don't play Dungeons & Dragons

unless you're going to eat terribly during it. The grease and the sugar is a part of the experience. I was looking forward to tonight's Mac Junior. Did you get a Mac Junior? I got a fucking Mac Junior. God, I love it. It's the perfect McDonald's sandwich. It's so weird as a choice.

Hey, don't at me. Okay. Okay. You're inside. Go to Paris France. Wait, there's a,

oh, hang on one second. Why am I doing this? I shouldn't do this. No, no, keep going. Let's do the game.

There is a Patreon member named Go to Paris France. Of course. I'm sure they know the actual... I think we've talked about where it came from. This is them commenting on a post. On Patreon, GoToParisFrance recently commented that they are intrigued and they've been saving up new episodes

to get real stoned and binge them all on a Friday night. I recommend that. Anyway. Are new episodes to get real stoned and binge them all on a Friday night. I recommend that. Anyway. Are they going to get small? Yes. So you guys were in the middle of looting the professor quarters at the College of Roke, and you heard a commotion outside that knocked Bodhi onto his tushy. Oh, that's right.

A commotion, or did we think it was an earthquake? The dice knocked me onto my tushy. There was an earthquake and after the earthquake, you heard what sounded like beings of some sort in some sort of organic movement below the windows and the story below you. Okay. Real quick.

They're all gathering around the, Okay. Who's that and who are they gonna see can we see anything from where we are are there windows up here uh yes when you go to the window you see outside that a bunch of the 10 foot tall slenderman type muscle arm and leg guys have gathered at the base of this thing and look like they are pressing their hands against the side of it the building we're in or the building? The tower. The tower. Phosphorescent, yellow and green tower.

I feel like we've got to stop whatever's happening there. Yeah, we should go over there. Was there anything we wanted to get out of this room before we leave? There are a couple more locked trunks. Yeah, let's quickly. Do you want to quickly try? Quickly try, but then we've got to really be thinking about what we can do with it. We'll try another one.

Seven. That's a no. Break. Break a lockpick. Tink. Can I borrow one? Sure. Nope.

Sorry. Ting. It broke also. Clack. Keep an eye on that hourglass while you think how many times you're going to try one more time. Sorry, I didn't even see the hourglass. The fries ran away. You know, it's really for me more than anything.

That's a no. Clack. Let's get out of here. Did you move the fries because you thought I was going to eat them? No, so she could see. I said I couldn't see the hourglass. Stealing fries. No, you're not. They're for everyone.

So you're going to head outside? Is that what's happening? Or you're going to keep trying? Can anyone else try? He can't try again, I think, once he's done with Kenny. I've got a bunch of lockpicks. Let me try one more time. More things will happen outside.

So you get... Yeah, basically the more tries you get, I'm just kind of counting in my head how many turns are going by for what's happening outside. What's in this one? So, two robes. Can I have one? Huh?

Are they colored? What do you mean colored? What color are the robes? They're both brown. But look through the scarab and see. Brown cloth robes. What does the scarab and see. Brown cloth robes. What does the scarab color look like? When you look at them through the scarab, one of them is orange, and one of them is gray and swirling.

Gray swirling means alive. Weird. Dan's smiling, and his face isn't moving at all, guys. So are you saying that this might be robe zombie? That doesn't even make sense. No, it doesn't, but it worked. Do you want to take that gray one? They just shoot water at us.

We're all gray. I know, I almost spat Dr. Pepper all over my laptop. At least I have gray marked as alive. If we looked at all of us, do we all seem gray? You look at everyone and everybody is swirling gray. Yeah, okay.

But that's weird that a robe would be swirling gray. I know. And then the other one is orange. It's a robe of life. Living. Aw, twee. Sweet. living. Aw, twee.

Sorry. Yeah, Beatles are cheap. Yeah, definitely let that one go for a few chords. What were you going to say, Ken? I'm not interested in this room. You can have it if you want. A live one? Who wants to carry it? I'll carry it.

Okay. All right. You might want to mark this down. Write down gray alive robe. There is a lot of loot in the town of Tinant that you've picked up, so please, everyone, keep track if you're carrying something. Yes. I've got a master list of where everything is before you grab it,

but if you own it, you should keep track. Okay, so now we've got to figure out how to stop whatever's happening over there. You head outside? I guess. Can we see the tower from where we are, though? Yes. So are we maybe in a better position here to do something? Jump across?

Are we trying to go inside it? Are we trying to attack it? Do you want to take another look outside the window now that you've spent some time on the chest? Everyone do a perception check. Are there any kind of windows or anything on the chest? Yeah, you're gathering towards the windows. Oh, God. Tom breathes

heavily into the window and sees a bunch of moisture and goes, it's cloudy outside. I literally blinded myself by walking straight into the play glass or something like that. Oh, did you also get a one? I rolled a one, yes. You both rolled ones? Jesus Christ. What did you get, Tui? Seven.

Helpless. We can look out the window. Oh, so nine. But with the penalty that you're getting from your distraction, you don't see anything. As soon as you look out the window, you just sort of have a PTSD flashback. You can't really hear what I'm listening to in my head, but it's a Mort Sahl set.

Bodhi, you're taller than everyone, so you see over the breath moisture that everyone else is clouding the windows with and you notice um all the beings that are pressing their hands against the side of this phosphorescent tower are kind of leaning and pushing in rhythm that's weird okay you notice the tower doesn't seem to move in reaction to them pushing these guys are all doing this in rhythm i tell everybody else that's weird. They're becoming one with the tower. Sure. Perhaps. What you gonna do? I'm gonna thunder wave them

straight down. Through the glass window? You should go outside. Can we open the window? Sure. I don't know. Can we? Break it? Yeah. What do we need the window? Sure. I don't know. Can we? Or break it? Yeah. What do we need to do? Roll to open the window? No, I'm going to look up Thunderwave and see what the hell he's trying to do here.

It's a square. Yeah. 50 foot square. I'm not sure, though. I do know that it blows people away from wherever it hits. So I'm making sure it doesn't happen. I think it blows everything away from wherever it hits. I'm making sure it doesn't happen. I think it blows everything away from you. Yeah.

A wave of thunderous force sweeps out from you. Each creature in a 15-foot cube originating from you must make a constitution saving throw. Okay, well then I'm going to fly down to 15 feet above them and just look at them and do them straight into the ground.

Crack open a window and fly out? Yeah. Go for it. I like that a lot better. Yeah, it's pretty cool. All right, so I'm going to go down and do a thunder wave. Thunder. Thunder.

Thunder. Thunder wave. Sorry, looking up a thing. I feel bad for him, but I kind of like don't give a fuck tweet. One more saving throw on the ground. All right, so these things are all clustered pretty close to each other. So you're rolling 1d8 for each slot above first level in addition to 2d8. Do you have it written down what level this spell is?

Thunderwave is... But you can slot it. Yeah. I think I'm just going to do it as one. Okay. Well, you can do up to two. So just do two. Nine.

Total or one? Oh, it wouldn't make sense. He said a dice. What am I... That would be very silly. Okay. So these guys all shake and kind of flatten out as you hit them. None of them die, and they all seem to be struggling

to maintain the rhythm that they have pressed up against the tower. Okay. I'll say, now that the windows are open and you've had a chance to look, you all are getting a pretty clear view of what Twee is trying to do out there. Okay.

He's trying to get them away from the tower. I mean, he can tell you. Right, that's what I thought you okay I just got a Dr. Pepper bubble in my throat alright

you're trying to get them away from the tower or just I'm just trying trying to hurt them kill them yeah

aren't there how many are there you think there's about 20 of them Jesus okay I just point this staff at them and like try to just

see what happens. Oh, yeah? Yeah. All right. Is this the blue one or the orange one? The blue. We didn't take the orange one, I think. Okay.

No. Hang on. Well, I looked this one up. What if I just gave them a bunch of power? I don't know, but it feels like 20 of these guys. I think it's a lightning staff is my guess. Cool. I hope it's not like a...

It's a healing staff. A cloning staff. While you look that up. Yeah, can I get some background noise? Well, no. I just wanted to say I really like this die that I got from one of our listeners for Christmas. From Skull Splitter. These are really cool.

Are they the metal ones? I'm really only using the 20. Those are the metal ones, right? Yeah, but I really like it. I've been having good luck with it. Yeah, the box is nice. I like the whole set, but I've been really leaning on the 20 there. They make nice stuff.

I don't remember our listener's name, but he was one of the regulars there. He's gifted us before. But thanks again, pal. Those are great for taking out the glass at a bus stop. But I like these lead ones that they really have some actual weight to it. They make a satisfying thunk.

For sure. Alright, so you wave the staff and point it at them and a large blue portal opens up above them. Cool. Nice. And that's about it right now.

Is this the thing where you have to open up two of them? Is this like a portal gun and portal where there's going to be an orange one? Oh, there was an orange staff. I have another staff. I have a blue staff uh do a wisdom wisdom check okay i thought oh did no one take the orange staff did we leave we were unsure what because we don't know it was the same aura that you got from the the demonic people yeah right cursed all right you say? Yes, ma'am. Well, six. You're not sure, but you definitely get a sense that this is some sort of teleportation portal type thing that you've started. And yes, maybe indeed you need to cast another portal somewhere to get the full jam.

Okay. So how high up is yours? Use yours. Right over their heads. I have a feeling you just put this on them. You tried to cast it on them, thinking or hoping it was an offensive spell. I don't want to portal myself down to them.

What if I do a portal, the second portal way up super high in the sky, and then we have to somehow shoot them into the one portal, and then they'll come out the other one and fall and hit the ground? What if you do a portal under them? Oh, yeah, but then they're just going to go in a weird... Because right now it's just... but that won't hurt them.

They're just going to come out the other one, right? They'll just go like endless. Yeah, but if we do. Yeah, but you just move the second portal that they come out of. Can I move it? Out of the way so that they just land on some glass or something. That's what I was saying. I want to have one super high in the sky.

We have to get them through it somehow. That's where you do one in the first place to go underneath them. Or you have to do one way high in the sky then do one underneath them. I know, but it's too late now because one is just right above their heads. You tell me what you want to try to do

and I'll tell you if it works based on a dice roll. How about one portal that opens up right next to the bathrooms at Glendale Galleria because you can never get in those. I'm going to try to do one directly underneath them so that they're going to fall through and then come out like a Mario pipe and then just go back down through the portal again

and then just be caught in it. Like he was suggesting. Yeah, like the game Portal or Portal 2. Then you take one away and they smash it into a wall. So you wave at the staff again and sure enough, a 10 10 foot portal opens up underneath them and they all kind of start to fall into and you see them indeed start to dangle out of the portal above them however about half of them start doing what you had hoped but then about 10 of them seem to have their hands fused with the side of this thing.

And they kind of fall and hang their half limp into the portal while their hands muscle tissue is blended into the tower. So 10 of them are going through the two portals. And 10 of them are like almost unconscious, kind of waving with their hands fused to the side of this tower. All right. Well, it's better than nothing. Can you close one of the portals?

They're gaining speed and momentum the longer you leave both. I'm just going to let that go on. But we've got to deal with the guys who are fusing to the... Eventually they'll just disintegrate from speed. Yeah, their bodies will just tear apart.

They're not going. Like roast beef going through a dust buster. Somebody should blast the ones that are, you know, with fire or something, the ones that are still stuck on the building. Yeah, we've got to get rid of them. Who has the next turn? I was thinking of that. Yeah, who's next?

You're not really in combat right now. These things aren't fighting you back. Okay, I'm just going to go up and start stabbing them. Oh, we're away from them. You realize as you approach, you can't get close enough without falling into the portal. Oh, okay. Aren't we still on the second floor,

like looking out a window, though? I'm going to say that if he wanted to, just run outside. The only thing you're going to encounter is a guard who's standing on the first floor. I'm going to throw oil on them. I'm going to throw oil. On the ones hanging there? On the ones hanging there.

You have enough oil where you can splash some of them, but you can't cover all of them. Are you going to massage them? Sure. I get as much as I can. You start rubbing their feet a little bit? No, no. Asking them to tell you about their day? Then I, in my second action, I light a torch and throw it at them.

Okay. Do a, I think that's a dex check, just throwing it. Let me look at this. I almost had a 20, but it was a 14. That'll be an athletics. 14, and I have an athletics bonus of 7. Whoosh! Yep.

It happens. Torch. They don't all light up, but two of them are on fire. And it looks like a fire that's going to burn. I've seen some fires before. So now there are two very tall, demon-like creatures on fire dangling stuck to the side of this tower while eight of them are kind of hanging there with it. And ten more are going through this portal loop. Also, a couple of them are like banging against the side.

It's starting to get really chaotic. Also, a couple of them are banging against the side. It's starting to get really chaotic. You see some heads snapping as they hit the ridge of the portal. Eventually, two of them bounce away from the portal dead. Yes. Just because the laws... Those were the ones that were going in the loop. Eventually, they just started colliding.

It's a narrow enough portal, and there's so many of them them they just don't all fit so they just eventually start colliding and dying i can't wait to shoot this part but there's still like six or seven of them after they start dying that seem to be going in this infinite loop faster and faster i'm just gonna shoot some fire bolts in there okay do it just for the hell throw a hell of it. Go for it. I was thinking it would be nice to just throw some oil in there.

They would just kind of all catch it on the way through. Well, yeah, I just tried, so.

Seven. But oil more up. Dan loves oiling them up. Ken loves to cast

grease. Yeah, you slam a couple of fibers. Now more of them are on fire, stuck to the side. Everybody do a perception check. All right. Nine.

Nine. Tweet with yours if you don't get it. 14. Wait, plus 11. At 14. Wait, plus 11. At 14. That's 22. You turn around and you realize there are some of those crawly things watching you. From where?

Kind of down the street. So back the way you originally came towards the Blades dorms. You see about 10 of them. They're all just standing perfectly still with their sort of muscle tissue holding them in place. When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way. Their lidless eyeballs just staring. Channel Zero. Can I fire some crossbows at the still alive ones? She watch, she watch, she watch.

On the tower? Yeah. Yes. Roll a 20. 8 plus 5? On the tire? Yeah. Yes. Roll a 20. Eight plus five. That's a hit. Oh, four total. All right.

I'm just attacking these things unless you guys want to. Yeah, I mean, you hit one good. Also, the fire has spread pretty significantly. It looks like these things are mostly dead. You've stopped whatever ritual. Oh, it did? We stopped it. Nice.

It was happening. Oh, awesome. Is the tower burning at all? Let's turn on the weird. What are we calling these other things? The tower is really big. It's about the size of the mage tower that was previously there. And it's still sort of as phosphorescent lit as ever.

But as these things burn away, you notice that they were forming a kind of shape with their hands, almost like a gate. And so whatever they were trying to open up or create is temporarily at least stalled. I feel good about what we've done here today. Yeah, let's turn on these other guys. What are we calling these other creatures?

You called them terribles? Terribles. They're completely motionless. They're ten terribles. Well, I don't like them. I don't like them one bit. One bit. Okay.

No, sir. No, sir. You're going to go run and swing? Yes. Everybody roll for initiative, please. 13. Oh. please. 13. Oh. 16.

17. 12. 18. You said 16, Sarah? Uh-huh. 17, 18, 12. I'm taking Canwald out of the running order. Canwald.

Bodhi, you are up first, sir. Okay. I am raging and running. And I'm gonna... He's got the rage runs. Slash my Herald of Kilmar. What I want you to do is, as soon as anyone does a melee attack, you know what's coming.

So you're gonna do a dexterity saving throw after you swing an attack. Okay. 20. Boom. That's definitely a hit. Okay. So before we roll your dexterity saving throw, let's see how much damage you do. Okay.

Where did I put my sixes? Six. Six, six. The number of the beast. Sacrifice. Is going on tonight. Eight. You're the next childish Gambino.

Yeah. I don't know what version of Iron Maiden that was, but sort of a lounge singer weirdo. That was Old Maid's. That's eight damage? Yeah. Roll a 20 before you attack. Plus fire!

Before you attack, you can do your next rage attack or anything. Do a dexterity saving throw. This is my lawyer, Scott Crocus. These things have an instant entrapment sort of thing. Fucking 20 again. Yes. So this thing tries to grab you and you manage to sort of duck to the side.

Sort of? You do a pirouette. I would say I duck the fuck to the side. You do a big old duck. You crouch down. You've done your kegels. Your crotch allows you to dip really low to the ground and swings its muscle tendrils over your head. Okay.

Are you going to attack again? Yes. So that's a nine. That's a no. You swing again and it just hits the pavement. I don't get three attacks at ninth level, right? No. I looked that up because I thought that might be the case.

I thought that was. At some point, I remember talking about it, but the other day I looked it up and I couldn't find an excuse. Okay. We should... I get four rages now, but that was the one thing. The thing is a rage only lasts a minute, so after a few rounds you'd have to read.

Yeah, the higher level barbarian you are, the more often you can do it. Gotcha. Tom, you'd have to read. Yeah, the higher level barbarian you are, the more often you can do it. Tom, you're up. Yes, I am. I am indeed. All right. Everyone else is up while Tom thinks about it. What are you doing, buddy? What am I looking at?

There's nine of these guys now? And you just saw Bodhi run in there and start stabbing one of them. Is Bodhi in amongst them, or is he? Yeah, I can get out of the way if you yell, get out of the way. Get out of the way. Do I get out of the way? Roll a 20. I've been having real good.

He gets out of the way. I'm not going to say it out loud He gets like 10 feet out of the way He does like a roll Go for it 6 6, 6. Is this plus 8?

What does that mean? Is it plus 8 to their damage? Or just plus 8 to my attack? Yeah, it's 2d8 plus 8. Oh, okay. So, 14. Cool. You cast a ray of sickness and nothing happens.

Oh, great. Dammit. I don't know. I mean, who knew that skinless zombie monster? Cool. You cast a ray of sickness and nothing happens. Oh, good. Damn it. I don't know. Who knew that skinless zombie monsters would have durable tummies? Give them a wave of wellness and see what happens. I feel great. Throw some mixed berry tums at them and see what happens. He threw some homeopathic remedies at me. What's that thing from Whole Foods, the wellness,

that just smells like ass when you open it? Oh, my God. It's the worst smelling pill of all time. It's great. It's delicious. I wouldn't know. It's peak hypochondria. It's not delicious, but it makes you feel better.

I like peak. I like stuff like Altoids. Yeah, I had that. What the hell is it? Wellness formula? It just has every possible herb in it. But it also has garlic and I think other stuff that is very pungent. This is not a commercial for wellness formula. I'd rather be sick.

No. It's definitely not because I'd rather be sick. I just had a question about spells. Yes. For 5th edition or whatever this is called. So some of them you don't need to roll like an attack. Like he can just cast a certain, there are certain attack spells that you don't need to roll like an attack like he can just cast a certain there are certain attack spells that you don't actually have to like that just happen

regardless and then there are certain ones you have to sort of yeah although you do want to roll for damage usually like they they the only thing that would happen is the bad guys occasionally get to do a saving throw no no no right yeah i just didn't pop off yeah no i know about saving throws so yeah but basically some stuff but yeah, often the saving throw is the only roll that needs to happen. Okay. And so you just do it, correct? All right. I believe we were at Tom?

He just finished. I casted. He just finished? Oh, that's right. You tried to make a bunch of undead sick. Yeah. That's maybe the second or third time I've seen you try it all the time it's one of my favorite spells I don't care what I'm casting it I know

that's the thing is like it very uh as Merle they're up I've seen it work I'm gonna try to cast frostbite if that's all right with everybody? Sure. You do not need permission. Does you cause Numbing Frost to form on one creature that you can see within range? The target must make a constitution saving throw. On a failed save, it's going to take cold damage and has a disadvantage on its next weapon attack roll, which I don't think it has a weapon, but maybe you can count it as its attack roll in general. It did not make its saving throw in general. It did not make its saving throw.

Yay! I'm going to damage it with cold. Right? Yeah. Bite it. Seven. Alright. Blaine. Oh, uh, this dead air brought to you by

Lacroix. Yep. That's how you pronounce it. Lacroix. Before Tweet can go, please do three dexterity saving throws. Me? Yes.

Plus two bonus. Do three dexterity saving throws. Me? Yes. Okay. What's that? Plus two bonus. Yeah. Success. Okay. Yeah. Fail. Oh.

Okay. And a fail. Oh, damn it. As you duck out of the way to avoid the ray of sickness, two of these things get their meaty muscle tendrils around one of your legs okay tweet you're up uh somebody free me or i'll hack at it in a second uh how close am i to bodhi uh you are about 30 feet away you're. You know what I feel like if I try to help, I'm going to cut his fucking leg off. Yeah, please don't.

Having that kind of a day. You do feel like, though, if you were to hurt your friend, he would understand what you've been through. I've hurt my friends before. They don't understand. That's such a dark response to a dark proposition let me see i think i'm going to darkness my own me i think i'm going to uh can you cover some more i almost said garfunkel and Oates

I meant Simon and Garfunkel I guess I'm going to throw a cloud of daggers on someone but really what's the point is there anybody anybody close yeah you could hit a bunch of them you think

I'm looking at how many exactly. Oh, bother. I have a special forum I go to for questions. Here we go. How, what does it say? How many people can I hit with cloud of jackers? I mean, if I could just like... It's a five foot cube.

You can hit three of them. Roll a 44. 44? Three times. 44 three times. Yes, sir. 44, 44, 44. And you are not aiming at Bodhi, correct?

Right. Uh. And you are not aiming at Bodhi, correct? Right. Okay, it's nine is one. Two, four, six, 10 is the second. Okay. Okay. 7 and 11 is the third. And 11 is the last one you only get 3

44 three times I heard a lot of 4's 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 sweet so your cloud of daggers goes and they all take a bunch of dagger damage as long as you roll a 20 right now

and it is over a 10. Three? Is that over a 10? You miss. Yeah, I did. You seem a little distracted. This rolling is brought to you by Shitty Ralphs. When good Ralphs is closed, Shitty Ralphs.

Shitty Ralphs, no longer affiliated with Albertsons. I'm mean. So, do a dexterity Saving throw Bodhi Get that one right 13 These things are pulling you closer

But you manage to claw On the ground They must have you confused with their tiny dancer Tom you notice there are, there's like a, they're starting to scatter towards all of you. That's terrible. When do I get my, you're up. Cool. Herald of Kelmar all over these fuckers.

Okay. I'm assuming the first one you're going to swing at Whoever's closest the one that's grabbing onto me There's two of them grabbing onto you right now. The one I'm slashing at both.

Eleven. That's a miss. Damn it. Get him again. That's a hit. Sweet. Roll for damage. Oh, nice. That's a hit sweet roll for damage. Oh Nice 11 is that with the fire?

That's not yet plus fire. Yeah Great. So one of the two that are grabbing on your leg bursts into flame and squeals and tries to run away good And let's go of you in the process. Okay. There's still one holding onto him? Yes, there's still one holding onto him and you are up. Is he on the ground?

Yes. Firebolt at the one that's holding him? Cool. First roll 20. 15. You managed to not hit Bodhi. Great. Nice. Thank you. Oh, 10.

Sorry. Thanks, Blaine. 15. Cool. The one that is still dragging Bodhi towards it is now on fire. Yay. I burned it. Still got me.

Yeah, and it's on fire now. It's really got me. Esmeralda, you're up. You're now being drugged So there's one that's on fire that's dragging Bodhi towards him And how many others are there Scattering

One is running away and there are Eight others Heading towards you and Tom specifically Alright so I guess I'm gonna They look like they'd like to head towards Tui but he's flying So they're kind of ignoring him Yeah see this is where I really This is where I really So I guess I'm going to... They look like they'd like to head towards Tui, but he's flying, so they're kind of ignoring him. Yeah, see, this is where I really screwed up with my spells.

Let it be known that I can't. Oh, did you not pick an offensive range? Yeah. Well, no, I did, but it's just because I used all my spell slots on identify, and we're never going to rest again, I don't think. So I didn't understand how that worked. So that's fine. That's fine. Look, I've made my choices, and now I have to live with them, sort of.

We've made a few changes. Okay, I'm going to, I guess, fire a crossbow, because I really got no idea. Does the one that's on fire look like it's dead? He's trying to take himself out of combat, and it looks like he's dying. Okay. Not Bodhi, the guy.

Correct. Okay, so I'm just going to aim at another random one. Whichever one looks closest to us, I guess. Oh wait, the one that's still grabbing him? No, it's not dying. Oh, okay. Should I try to hit it? What do you think?

Okay, I will. Brian nodded enthusiastically. I wish me luck. I wish you the best of luck. Here I go. Brian nodded enthusiastically for the listening. Here I go. I rolled a six. That is a bonus? Plus five, an 11.

No, I'm afraid not. Can I use my second attack that we learned that I get? Yes, you may. Okay. I didn't also this time hit it. Tui, you're up. He's in a better mood. No, now I feel really terrible.

Oh, okay. It just sounded so upbeat. Yeah, I guess. It just sounded so upbeat. Yeah. I guess. What are you going to do? You know, I guess I'm just going to finish this slice of buttered toast. And then I'm going to draw my short sword and get out and try to cut some heads off. All right.

Roll 20. 16. That's a hit. Wow. I guess you can call me out. Roll for damage. What's a short sword do? It's 1d8, isn't it?

Whatever it wants. 1d6 plus 4 piercing. 1d6 plus 4? 1d6 plus 4 piercing. Ow! 10. Damn. Yeah.

So due to the fact that physical damage is much easier for you to concentrate on than your spells, you are able to hack at one skittering towards Tom, and it skitters away. Okay, good. It had already been hit for some damage, and so... Okay, I'm going to get its attention as it skitters away i'm gonna go hey stay out um bode there are now two more coming at you do another dex saving throw all right All right. What is that? Plus two, that's a nope. Nope, plus two. And a yes.

So you roll out of the way of one, but another one gets 10 drills on you. All right. Tom, please do three dexterity saving throws. That's a nope. Five, what's my bonus? I have a very high dex bonus. Four, that doesn't help a night.

Is that me? Is that me? Yeah. Twelve. That's a nope. That's a nope. Okay. So three of them get ten rolls on you.

Oops, oops, oops. Esmeralda, please roll two. Did you miss all three? Two? Wait, two or three? Two saving throws. Eight plus my dex. Is that how that works?

Yeah, what's your dex? Oh, two, so ten. It's a nope. Oh, my dice is ringing. Your dice is ringing. Six. If there's anything I can say, this cavern's rare. That's a nope.

So all three. Do you remember how it used to be that you wanted to roll low? I do. It took me a it used to be that you wanted to roll low? I do. It took me a long time to get out of. Wait, I never got anywhere near them. Oh, then you've just got them right up. I mean, they're coming at you. Yeah, but I never left the second story as far as I know.

Unless you thought that you did. I cast Frostbite and then I did Crossbows. Oh, you're forcing some serious geographical retconning that may be necessary. Oh, sorry. I thought that was... I mean, I never said I did, so I didn't... I had auto-placed everyone outside, but I will... That makes an auto out of you and placed.

That's my favorite Monty Python quote completely ruined. Yeah, I think you're right. We are the knights who say hey. You haven't done any melee attacks. No, wait. I did frostbite for one and I did my crossbow for the other, right? And I did the staff pointed at the other direction

before we started. Oh my god, you cut my arm off. You didn't pull your axe out and swing it not that i remember does anyone else remember you know no i didn't remember that happening all right well you're still in the window then and these guys are running uh so everybody else left and i'm just standing alone in the second story window if that's what the way you want to play this i mean yeah i mean i'll go to them i just thought because bode charged outside i knew that bode did story window. If that's the way you want to play this. I mean, yeah.

I'll go to them. I just thought that's what... Because Bodhi charged outside. I knew that Bodhi did. I didn't understand that anyone else did. Tom clearly did the same thing. He was floating. Tui was floating, but I didn't know that Tom did. You can stay in your sniper spot, and you're not being attacked. Well, I'll go down now, but I just want to say I don't think they were grabbing me now. I ain't mad at you.

Then I will take the two that were coming at you, and we will retcon those two dexterity saving throws as being not necessary. And they are instead, one is heading towards Bodhi, and one is heading towards Tom, for distance-wise. Oh, shit.

Unfortunately, there are currently, I believe, three grabbing on to Tom, and two grabbing on to Bodhi. Hey, guys. Bodhi, do another dexterity saving throw because you're about to be pulled into a ribcage. No, I'm not. Correct. So, yeah, you're still clawing away.

I hope I get to say that soon. You do, actually. Roll another dexterity. You've got three on you. 16 plus four. Two more times. That's a no.

That's an 18. I'll give that to you. Two of them are unable. You're right about to get just close this and bo to your up okay uh i'm gonna uh slash at uh what about us yeah well you know what i'm gonna grab at uh both i thought of grabbing at the things that are grabbing me

with my gauntlets. What? Some good old fashioned horseplay. Grab ass? No, no, no grab ass. Particularly Raskin and Fennick? I'm going to hack at them again with the... You were thinking about grabbing them though.

I was just going to try to pull them off. Yeah, I'm going to try to pull again with the Kelmar. You were thinking about grabbing him, though. I was just going to try to pull him off. Yeah, I'm going to try to pull him off. Up the economy! There's two on me. I will clarify. If you attack, there's a chance they will disengage. If you try to pull them off, you do get to just do a strength check. Yeah, okay.

That's what I'm going to do. Yeah, okay. It's a strength check, a difficulty of 12. Ooh. There's that bonus. It's a strength check. A difficulty of 12. Ooh. What's that bonus? That's close, isn't it? Yeah. No.

I didn't make it. Ah, fuck. Okay, you try again then. Sure. Yes. 20. Ooh. I will let you roll one more time because you just got basically a critical save.

And yeah. An 18. All right. So you managed to yank the tendrils off from both of these fuckers. Good. But that is your turn, unless you want to use a bonus action to just give them the middle finger.

I'm giving my toss. Great, okay. Like as far as I can. You can toss one of them. You want to toss the one on fire or the one that's not as fucked up? Toss the one that's not as fucked up. Where are you going to toss it?

In the walk-tow. There's an infinite yeah i was just gonna say i'm i'm aiming it towards the portal okay uh uh it's the strongest thanks for the wink and the and the whisper your dozen master knows when he's been yeah yeah when no but i was... That was a great idea. I will say, after being pissed off and writhing around on the ground for a while, Bodhi immediately sees the pile of dead demon stilt guys and goes,

I want to be a part of the dead pile of bad guys over there. Tom, you're up. I can't shock and grasp on the thing. Give it a shot. Clunk him on me. Oh, did it make it into the thing? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's automatic gain. Cool. You rolled a critical, so I'm just letting you have that one, too. Critical save, which isn't a real thing, but I'm letting it be a real thing. 14. Yeah, that's a success.

Roll for damage. Oh, that was a success Roll for damage Oh, that was my damage You're 14 damage? Oh, okay One of these things lets you go Yay! You're still being pulled off by one And you're like right about to serve Cage I believe you are up Esmeralda.

Yes, you are. Okay. I guess I'm going to go ahead and... You're down on the ground now. Yeah. Did that thing look cold when I cast Frostbite at it? Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. It didn't look happy with what you did. Yeah, but I still can do better with the crossbow if I hit it. Okay, I'm going to do... Oh, wait, no, it just has to do a constant hit. Yeah, I'm going to do frostbite. Sorry. Frostbite.

Frostbite. We're all fine. Frostbite. What's this brought to you by? It certainly didn't make that saving. This is brought to you by Anti-Diet Coke and Beef, Chicken, or Pork. Yeah. Anti-Diet Coke.

Beef, Chicken, or Pork. Ramen flavors. Sorry, I lost the damage. Was it 1D6 something? Sorry. Cherry, Cherry, Cherry, Cherry. 2D6. It's 2D6.

Yes. Five. I bet Cherry cherry shrimp would be good baddies have to roll better than a 12 sweet and sour shrimp is good great so uh yeah another one of these things totally starts locking up as you freeze it and you notice the one that you freeze the first time is not moving so hot great it's almost as if a bunch of exposed tissue doesn't do well to a froth spell. You are up, Tui. Since the sword worked well, I'm going to try to sword something else. I wish you would. I'm going to sword.

That's the technical term. Who needs sorted? Who needs sorted? I'm going grabbed into it. Tom, you notice... I'm going to go over and... I'm going to go sword the guy that's trying to rib Tom. Roll a 20.

Four. Ooh, that'll be a no. At least it wasn't a one. Please roll a dexterity saving throw, Tom. He had that. 15. You, yeah, you managed to like basically bite the pavement and keep from getting pulled all the way into this one guy. But do one more and see if the other guy is getting you closer.

You still have two on you. 16. Yeah, you're still clinging for dear life. I thought you only had one on you. 60. Yeah, you're still clinging for dear life. I thought you only had one on you. He had three, and he knocked one off. Oh, I thought you got two, sorry. I got three failed dexterity checks. Bodhi, please do two dexterity saving throws.

Tom, please do two. Yeah, I got them both. Yep. Great. Everybody manages to dodge as a big dog pile. These things are all on top of you two. You notice there's two of these things have skittered away. But there's four on each of you guys.

What? You're not grabbed by any. You're grabbed by two, and there's two more each of you guys. What? You're not grabbed by any. You're grabbed by two, and there's two more trying to grab you. Get off of me. I'm going to beat them off. Bodhi, you're up. And they still keep coming. He's going to spit water on the table.

Here it comes. I got it down. No, take another sip. Take another sip. It's great being back in eighth grade. Fifteen. That's a hit. All right.

Nine. So you plunge your your Herald of Calmar right into one of these things ribs and just fire erupts in it as it gets toasted would you like to say anything to commemorate the occasion Brian would Bodhi like to say anything

you're toast I am it's ironic he's right I'm French I'd like some I'd like some more okay yep all right roll for attack a toast for damage I mean not attack. Seven. All right.

So you don't quite toast this one. Okay. I'd like some more, please. And let's see. Tom, you're up. What have I got? Two on me. Two are yanking you in and two are trying to.

Fucking yankers. I'm going to do the shock and grasp again. It looks so old last time. Okay, cool. Shock and grasp again? Go for it. He does not avoid it. That's good.

How is your shock and grasp so powerful? Level eight. Nine. Cool. Plus eight. Truly shocking. There's nobody with a better shock and grasp. Really?

Yeah, he totally disengages you and runs away with brown smoke coming off of him. But there's still one yanking you off. You should see him when he uses his nothing shocking grasp. It's racy. I grew up Esmeralda. Chances. I should just sing songs. I'm through with Sergio. I'm through with him every time.

So he's got... Edith says... They've each actually got like three that are coming after them, but he has one. Oh, gee. Tom is still on the ground being dragged into a rip-off. Okay, I will frostbite the one that's on him.

You know nobody likes the guy who sings that song, right? He's like a bad person that people want to stop singing songs. Perry Farrell? Yeah. Wasn't he BJ Honeycutt? Oh, sorry, that was Mike Farrell. I don't know what anyone's talking about. Sarah, please tell me what you're...

Yeah. Aren't you 78 years old? Phil Balatelou's organizer. He's no Billy Corgan. Oh, God. Remember when you liked Billy Corgan 30 years ago? Oh, no. I liked that band so much in high school.

Yeah. And now he's just this weird pro-wrestler, misogynist creep. 30 years ago? No. I liked that band so much in high school. Now he's just this weird pro-wrestler misogynist creep. Fucking Alex Jones weirdo. I know. There's nothing like seeing a progressive, sensitive band you liked in high school turn into InfoWars trash. I really get bored. It's fucking crazy.

I really shouldn't say that on a podcast. You were doing something Sarah to save me from what I was The hole I was digging for myself I would think I was freezing The dude on Tom Great he's going to try to roll the save

It's a constitution He's a 12 that's a 14 Sorry Tom He just sort of pivots I appreciate the try Tweet her up That's a 14. Boo. Sorry, Tom. He just sort of pivots. That's the first one that did it. I appreciate the try. Twee, you're up. Oh, wait, no, you get two attacks.

Oh, yeah. Help me remember these things because I'm done. Yeah, I'm sorry, but can I, so does, I don't even know, does that mean I can do two, I think I get two attacks, but that's like with a sword or something, right? No, you can do it. Probably not two spells? Yeah.

Really? Oh, okay. Yeah, cantrip especially, yeah. Cool, all right, well, then I do the same thing. With the same guy. He pivots again and... He does not resist.

Eight. So he gets a lot slower. And colder. Hachi bachi. But he is not disengaged. Not quite enough damage for that. Tui, you're up. Would I be able to do a Thunder Wave

to get these guys off of these guys? You would probably hit other people. Also, Thunder Wave, you would just cast Thunder Wave. Do you have another slot open for it? Didn't I not cast Thunder Wave? Because I didn't want to try it? No, you did cast...

Oh, that's right, that's right, that's right. Okay. I'm going to stick with the sorting. Okay. I'm going to use my sorting sword. Who are you going for? Who's closest? The last guy I hit was on Tom, right?

Yeah. There's one guy on Tom who's not grabbing him who's a little closer. I'll kill him. Okay. Nine. Do you have a strength bonus? No. That's a miss.

So, Tom. Do a dexterity saving throw, Tom. Okay, I've got that. Can you just do a slow close-up of on me with some wind blowing wait wait wait okay all of a sudden everyone looks at twee as he swings his sword and misses and

damn it your attention turns to Tom. The muscular tendrils are licked with frost crystals, but unfortunately, despite the fact that his attacker has been hit, the ribcage closes around him just enough to kind of give him a little grip. It doesn't hurt Tom, but you feel braced a little bit. I don't like it. Hard to resist. And then something really weird happens. This thing that was on the ground kind of skittering around

like a scorpion suddenly has to do a strength check, but it succeeds. And it kind of does like an Agent Smith matriarch. You know it's about to happen yeah jumps up on the legs that were sticking up scorpio you are suddenly upside down and being clutched in this rib cage and it is trying to run away with you mcrib is whack giggling you're all bundled

up uh cozy style in this thing's ribcage and it is trying to run away. I'll see you guys. It's got you Venus flytrap style. Bodhi. Two of these things try to grab you. Now's the time to lay the grease down. And you're up.

I'm going after the guy that's got Ken and I'm going to slash at his head. Okay. No. Oh, wait. Yeah. I'm going to slash at his legs then. Oh, okay.

That's different. No. What? Tom is upside down. Oh, yeah. Okay, so he would be coming out. You see Tom's legs up in the air as this thing is running with Tom upside down, caught in its ribcage. Oh, okay.

You see a pair of muscly, fleshless legs going like, wee! As Tom is like, whoop, whoop, whoop. Tom's up there. He's upside down, stuck in its rib cage. So I'm hacking at the legs. Okay. Yeah. Roll a 20.

Right by Tom's head? No. His head's not near the legs. His head is like right in the pelvis area. Okay, all right. Ew. That's where the poop comes out. I don't hit it anyway. No. That's where the poop comes out. I don't hit it anyway.

No. That's a one. That was a one, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. 88. Oh, shit. Oh, no.

Not 88. Not 88. No, not 88. Anything but 88. Not 88. No, not 88. Anything but 88. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary.

Roll 3D4. Nice and slow, see. You're going to do this twice. Bartender, rocks on rocks. Bartender, put that in a dirty glass wow that's tough one three

one probably one it's probably one six on that and then roll again yes five one six all right so you take six points of damage as you swing your sword and

something about the coldness of the meat of this leg gets the herald of kelmar just wedged in it and the leg pulls away and you slip and fall face forward and bite the pavement. Okay. Jesus. Ken, you suddenly feel yourself upside down lurch forward as this thing trips because it's got a sword stuck in its thigh

and you land on your head and take six points of damage. Ow! That's all over my head. It is currently wiggling around on the ground but you are going to... I get another attack, don't I? No, now you miss your turn. Oh, shit. of damage. That's all in my head. It is currently wiggling around on the ground, but you are going to... I get another attack, don't I? No, now you miss your turn.

Oh, shit. And you have no sword. Esmeralda, you're up. Well, what is this? Actually, well, no, Tom, you lose a turn also. Esmeralda, you're up. What did I do no, Tom, you lose a turn also as probably rep. What did I do? You were a part of a botch.

I mean, I guess I'm just going to, well, now he's inside him. Do I really want to frostbite him? That might hurt him, right? Great question. I think it probably would. I mean, that's a good one to ask the universe. I would look up at the sky. It might be like a Tauntaun thing, or it might be like microwaving food

where it's really freezing cold on the outside it smells like a wet dog in there warm on the inside of course it does I like wet dogs

uh how far am I? it's like eight feet in front of you it ran past you and then as Bodhi tripped okay can I try to use

can I try to battle Axit then instead of... Yes, you may. Okay, I'm going to try to do that. Where are you going to battle Axit? I'm making you call a shot because there's just three bodies on the ground. Right, so its legs... He's in the chest, pelvis part, so I could try to just chop its legs. Yes.

That's what I'm going to try to do. Ten plus five. That's a hit. going to try to do 10 plus 5 That's a hit Roll for damage So far so good So I like it I like it This is looking good Very promising

Also as much as I don't want to I have to add some damage For this thing For having the Herald of Kelmar Stuck in its thigh So Despite the botch It's going to still take

A couple points of damage. Eight plus four. Twelve. I said, ha-ha. You hack a leg off and it stops wiggling around. And, Tom, you suddenly feel yourself free of its... Ah, three! Not only are you up, but you realize um these things are starting to scatter again they're scattering i mean what getting away from us yeah there were a couple going after

bodie but after he tripped and uh esmeralda nuked one of the one of these things the rest of them started to retreat between the buildings and they're just going into random directions or whatever all over the place is there a chance for us to just get out of here should we just make a The rest of them started to retreat between the buildings. And they're just going into random directions or whatever? All over the place. Is there a chance for us to just get out of here? Should we just make a break for it? As you rack your brain for ways to get out of here, you remember that, yes, there is the guard's wall entrance behind one of the dorms.

It's a couple buildings away. Should we start making a move for it? I still need to... We need to free him, and I need to get my sword back. He freed himself. Oh, okay. Well, I need to get my sword back. I'm free. Do a strength check difficulty two.

Okay. Automatic success with your bonus. I'm fucking with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get your sword back. Okay, cool. Let's call it. Well, let's head towards... Head towards the wall's uh let's call it and well let's uh

yeah head towards head towards the wall yeah and call it that was uh episode six uh thanks for listening

everybody um pick up Mad Magazine and uh check out brianpersain.com and anything else anybody

have any plugs not with the one I used to plug in like that yeah I'm gonna be appearing in this through the fourth cool thanks guys thanks thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069

Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.