Nerd Poker - Episode 60 - Silverhenny Trap

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

The Ice Five has their eye on Silverhenny Woods, but will the Violet Fang actually join the party? And wait a minute, Silverhenny Woods, isn't that where Dr. Uid keeps all of his... STUFF? Time to head to the western half of the continent, and see what adventures lie in the snow-kissed forests they almost visited some 55 episodes ago.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everyone.

It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 60. We did it. My friends are here. It's a full house house I'm no longer voting In my head though I'm always voting Chris is here

Hi Sarah Hello Ken What's that on your shirt there? That's a pumpkin What kind of pumpkin? A jack-o'-lantern

I like jack-o'-lanterns It's a scary one Yeah And then we got Dan Hi Hi buddy Hello pumpkin what kind of pump jack of my lanterns I like Jack of my lanterns it's a scary one yeah yeah and then uh we got Dan hi hi buddy hello and uh Blaine I don't like Dan's plaid thing is scarier than the pumpkin to me is what my plaid plaid scary scares me it's a it's a weird it's a it's not even plaid that's Madras isn't it. It's a whole different thing. Oh, then I love it. Yeah. At the end of the table, the first person to clap for me there, my friend Sam.

Hey, everybody. Sam knew it was Madras. That's right. What's going on, buddy? Oh, you know, just Patreon supporters making this whole thing tick. You know what they're helping to do? They're helping to make your mattresses free. Discount mattress.

Thank you, Brent. Thank you, Jonathan Wood. I'm going to grab a thing that we got sent to us. Oh, please do. Keep going. Thank you, Eric Score. Thanks. Thank you, Brian Stopp.

Brian Stopp. Thank you, Keith Deshawn. Thank you, Brian Stop. Brian Stop. Thank you, Keith Deshawn. Thank you. Thank you, Paul Ancona. Thank you. Thanks, Scott Geeky. Thank you. Or Gecky. Thank you, Dr. Wieners. Thanks, Dr. Wieners. Thank you,

Outdoor Nerd. Thank you, Michael Ashburn. Thank you, Anatomically Correct Warforged. Thank you, Michael Teal. Thank you, anatomically correct Warforged. Thank you, Michael Teal. Thank you, Sneak Attack Tortoise. Thank you, Jack Ransom. Thank you, Blackie Green's bastard son.

Parenthetical, the cool one. Thank you, Brett Holtzapple. Thanks, Endiconex. Thanks, Sean George. Thank you. Thanks, Aeternum Dave. Thank you. Thank you. Nathan LaHaye. Thanks.

Neil Wicker. Thanks. Amanda Bird. Thanks. Thanks. Damn. Damn's rebel. And of course,

thank you from, uh, this is a reference to our bonus episodes. Chris Tallman's character. Thank you. Dr. Verdon fell and the bikini machine. Dr.

Love it. That's awesome. And the bikini machine. Uh, Brian, you've got something you want to talk about in a little box there before I get into our intro this fan listener sent to our P.O. box let me get closer to the mic

to our P.O. box yeah wrassle that box dear NerdPoker thank you as always for the weekly laughs. I've been a long-time listener and have loved all three seasons. Dan's unique worlds are awesome to imagine and hilarious to envision with the rest of you all working your way

through them. Given that episode 51 made it canon that Terry Fieri is a thing and had all the talk about Guy Fieri, I have enclosed shirts for all of you. What? I saw this shirt a while ago and was immediately reminded of it after this episode. They're not mine or from a company I run or anything, so there's nothing to plug. I hope you all find them as funny as I do and look forward to the rest of season three.

They're great. I've worn mine already. Season three. They're great. I've worn mine already. Jared Maloney, but he says pronounced Malona or Malonia. Because it's spelled like Bologna. It's probably Maloney.

Maloney. Thanks, Jared. And then his nickname is Time Boats Boatskroat. Oh, we know you. And then due to an order mishap, Sam's is being sent separately and will follow soon, but it's here. Let's see these shirts. Thank you for this very sweet gift. Here you go, Sam.

Sorry about the delay. Time boats, boats grow. You can keep that forever, Sam. You should just put that in the frame. Thank you very much. There you go, Sam. And the shirts. Oh, that's great.

Oh, yeah. I can't quite see see it can you turn it my way dungeons and dragons and dragons and drive-ins and dives yes escape from flavor town dragon that is absolutely fantastic those are great i love it the dragon you guys has frosted hair and Ray-Bans. Sorry. You know what this means, right? It looks like the art. It's the old school. It's like first edition, right? The font. Yeah. It's second edition.

Thank you. Does this mean that we have to do a live broadcast of nerd poker from one of Guy Fieri's restaurants? No. You don't like Guy Fieri? I like Guy Fieri. I like Guy Fieri. I don't hate him. That's what we talked about in that episode. I've loosened up on Guy Fieri.

I like Guy Fieri. He's tough if you don't eat meat. He's a force for good. And Ken, you love donkey sauce. Oh my God, are you kidding me? It really kicks ass. Hey! Later in my office. Sorry I got real loud there i was like

it feels is that clumpity related maybe well we're in donkey land at least for a few more moments you're in donkey land let's talk about what happened. Last time on Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. Here's my voice. You guys talked to Baron Palinkas, and then you talked to the Violet Fang. Sounds a little bit like you're going to go back

all the way across the continent to Silverheading Woods. Sounds like the Violet Fang is going to teleport you out of Donkey Land, which is about to be assaulted by magical beings, courtesy of the Archmage of Vanzervale. Whoopsie doodle. All right. So you're still kind of mid-conversation.

I think you just sent word both to time boat and to the baron about your plans but you have i think some more questions i mean it's not entirely clear how much you want to hang out with the violet fang but she's opening this portal for you and then gonna follow you through it so um yeah she's still available to chat too she says uh you know go ahead and ask me anything um but uh yes if you want to escape clompety before shit hits the fan and things are emotional are you gonna help us actually defeat the archmage of course how do you mean though well i don't know give us some tips tricks come with us i don't know what your plan is but well you uh do you want me, come with us. I don't know what your plan is, but...

Well, you... Do you want me to come with you? That might be fun. Yeah, I'm not against it. I know you are concerned about your safety, and you have to listen to yourself about that. However, have you been on an adventure in a while? I simply don't want the Archmage to know where I am.

I haven't really been on an adventure in a while. I've just been kind of making, you know, little plans, making little imaginations. What would happen if he knew where you were? I'd just be in danger. I don't like anybody knowing where I am since I've gotten a reputation around these parts. Things have changed here in Clottenheim. There's a free city of Bozor now. I know all about it.

I know all about you guys. Did he know you with your old name? That's a good question. I don't know if he knows my old name. I sure hope he doesn't. I just wondered if that was maybe why you were... I've been up to many things, and he's been to many places,

and I've been to many places. It would be a shame if he learned my name. Some of my old friends might be in danger. I wouldn't want that to happen. Why do you like the drow better here? Oh, I just had some bad experiences with drow where I'm originally from. What happened? I just maybe did some things I shouldn't have naughty i might have been but drow are pretty

naughty by nature so dan absolutely raised his eyebrows like yeah you know uh do we was this just season two but like is this is that what did she tell is this what is this in the arena is this the same guys please i just need someone to clear it up for me i don't know we don't know do thank you dan are you are you as how seen as me can you as for sarah can you just for to put this you know it's not zinzerina. Oh, okay. Is it Gin Rabenow? It's not Gin Rabenow. Is it Suzy Quatro playing one of their sisters for a few episodes? I don't want to give it away yet.

Oh, is it that little annoying teenage girl? It is Leather Tuscadero. Oh. What happened to her? You guys really wanted to kill her yeah yeah remember and she's who now she's i don't know dan's being very cool she wanted power but she didn't get it but she sounds like she got something else they're talking about the drow teenager that you i remember i hated it you wanted to punch yeah and they think you're her now they think it's

a possibility dan told us flat out that it's're her now? They think it's a possibility. Dan told us flat out that it's not Zinzarina, and it's not Jinradina, and then we said, is it that annoying teenager? He went like this. I did. I don't know.

That's what that annoying teenager would do, too. Yeah. And the face he's making, too. I do make faces. But when we talked to her, she was much angrier now she seems more like and she wouldn't be afraid of shit that other one no of course uh listeners to nerd poker um let me remember dessa her name was dessa

dessa went to a mage college got up to some shit, got in touch with Zinzerina. Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't want to tell you if you guessed right, but I'm telling you it's not Zinzerina because I don't want you or listeners to get the impression that this particular character is a member of a god pantheon. Yeah, that's helpful. This is all indications to your party are especially give you've had some great insight checks are that it is an interplanar being and a strange drow perhaps a powerful or high level drow but not a uh god okay all right well that's helpful so yeah now that we know that that's the case if you can give us some tips and tricks on the Archmage,

that would be great. I'll give you tips and tricks. It sounds like you might want me to come with you, though. Yeah, well, if you don't want him to know where you are, that doesn't seem possible, but you can come. I don't mind him knowing where I am if I get to kill him. Oh, okay, great. Well, I mean, it seems like we're all on the same page.

Yeah, I think this sounds like a good idea. Sure. Sure, I'll go with you then. I mean, it seems like we're on the same page. Yeah, I think this sounds like a good idea. Sure. Sure, I'll go with you then. I mean, David's obviously trying to make it seem extremely like a bad idea with his tone, but I say we just do it. This is just my Violet Fang voice. I look forward to listeners guessing who this is.

That would be a good time. Please tell me if you think. Do you know? Shall we silver henny it up? Yes. Let's do it, please. All right. Just a quick recap.

We're going to be appearing underground. We'll be leaving underground. So it's not going to seem that different at first. But when we come above ground, which is, as I assume, what you want to do, travel above ground, you've got to draw with you. So maybe your draw friend wants to keep going underground. I don't know what y'all like to do.

But we'll be under Silver Henny Woods in the Underdark in about five minutes. So if you could all just keep an eye on the exit row, we're going to have a little fun. I'm going to watch Justice League. So she... I didn't see it. I didn't see the whole thing.

Waves over the other drow that dropped from the ceiling and whispers something. American Airlines got rid of Big Lebowski. Oh, really? Yeah, it's been a bummer. But anyway. She whispers something in the other drow's ear.

Does anybody hear it? Do you want to? You gotta ask her. If anyone wants to try to hear the whisper, I'll let you do a perception check. Sure. Who wouldn't? All right.

Brian called it out. I wouldn't have let you otherwise. 17. Full credit to Brian. 17. 17 also. Not enough, not enough. What is it?

11. Perception? 19. 18 plus four. perception 19 18 plus 4 18 plus 4 is gonna do it dark there cool and guess what real fucking handy that you're the one who did it because

it was in under common which is a language only you in this party understand yeah you hear her say I need you to visit I'm trying to think of how to how to word this because I need you to visit Dame Island I need you to check on the brain we may need to take her out

We may need to take her out. This isn't about a dog that they created, right? I didn't get it. Sorry. I'm serious. Well, basically what it is is they have a dog and they're trying to keep it off the couch, so they create it while they're gone. I can't tell what just happened.

Where am I in relations to the rest of the people, to the rest of my crew? Where am I in relations to the rest of the people? To the rest of my crew? Where am I in relations to the rest of my crew? You're standing around them. And right now, Violet Fang is five feet in front of you, whispering to one of her guards. I go to who's furthest away from her. Probably that would be Queep.

Okay, I go to Queep and tell him what I just heard. Without her being able to? Yeah, exactly. We're going and tell him what I just heard. Without her being able to? Yeah, exactly. We're going to do a deception check. Okay. Plus three to deception. Right?

Yeah. Twelve. No. You're not sure, but you whispered a queep. Yeah. Something about Limburger cheese. You hear what he has to say, but

she just hears it too. There's just a solid chance that he... So we probably all heard it. No, not everybody, but there's an interplanar being hanging out. She knows that I know now. I don't know. I mean, I was trying to be discreet about it, but you were fucking dice.

I know that's fucking Dungeons and Dragons, folks. We'll pass. She doesn't immediately acknowledge it, but she does smile broadly and invite you to follow her into the cave that revealed itself. I think she knew I could hear her anyway. So maybe maybe she does.

It seems like she knows now. She understands it. Do you follow her as she starts walking? Okay. She heads over to this cave. You notice with her back to you, her wings are no longer visible. She's sort of able to magically fold them out of sight. I wish I could do that.

I bet you do. They are big and obvious, Mr. Eric O'Kress. You head over. i love you just the way you are birdie boy thank you tick tock and yes uh you head to another it's a teleportation circle and um she invites you to all stand in it while she casts the spell insight for what is she is did she join us are we going to the silver honey woods or is this a trap great roll that insight check tick tock 10 hot hot 10 can't quite join us in the circle okay all right all right so she waves her hands make some incantations and bang there's a loud

noise a very similar feeling as you feel you're being broken down in atoms and rushed across time and space uh and similar to the feel you got the last teleportation circle i know that's like am i right totally and uh you reappear in a very similar looking cave okay so what's the plan uh go up go up top and uh up top it is up top and then perhaps to bozor do we want to check in or we want to keep moving i think we're aren't we didn't we say we're just gonna we're gonna go to dame island yeah and then rope in the mother brain via venus although now we have information that for some reason uh this, this, the violet Fang doesn't like the mother brain. Right.

Right. So, yeah. And the mother brains here on the river. So we could, in theory had that direction. Yes. I should head back towards Dame Island,

which is on the way anyway, to where we're going. And reminder for you in the listeners. One thing about the mother brain, uh, is, uh, well,

I'll, I'll throw a couple of things that the mother brain is currently a beholder like, uh, elder brain, beholder like elder brain being a type of creature related to mind flayers and

the mother brain considers itself a part of the ice five so the vile thing snaps her fingers and another drow seemingly out of nowhere drops from the ceiling in this small cave that you're in. She does that a lot. This time, she traces something in the drow's hand rather than whisper.

Great. What a dick. Agey. And the drow kind of walks off after she traces this in the hand. All right, I'm ready to go. Should we go above ground? Yep. Yep.

Dr. Uwe, this is your home. Are you excited? Very excited. I could smell the trees from down here. I could smell their roots. I don't want to get into it. It's weird. But I can tell it's home.

I used to come down here when i was in school we would smoke pot in these tunnels you guys head uh with her down um a little bit and then up she starts guiding you through a path that's clearly leading to the surface you see sunlight rather quickly and uh with only about an hour of traveling uh you guys are starting to get pretty tired it's starting to occur to you you haven't uh really taken a long rest in over 24 hours uh it's been since you were in the staircase you've done quite a bit of walking around and talking around since then so it's's getting rough for you guys, but it appears morning outside as you reach the surface.

I'm going to have everybody do, I'll let you pick insider perception to guess where you are. And Dr. Ud, you're going to get advantage because this is supposedly Silver Henny Woods, which even if it's not Silver Henny Woods, you would know. 21. Hell yeah. supposedly silver honey woods which even if it's not silver honey woods you would know 21 hell yeah uh oh sorry i got a 15 plus 4 19 great 24 same same wow all right between you guys you can all tell uh this is woods um it's familiar ish to those of you who have never been to the point where um especially tic tac and dark three you're like oh it's probably silver any woods it's probably silver any woods uh creep you've you've again you're not as quite as crystal clear but you're

you're all right as familiar dr you got a 19 right so you actually look around and you're like, oh, I think this is not that far from my stuff. Your home is on the north-ish side of Silverhenny Woods. And you think you're within 10 miles. You think you're just a little bit west of your home. Okay. Well, if we leave now, we could probably get there soon or we could relax here and that way we don't have to go to one of those shitty hotels um i will say you have not been to your home in over 10 years because of the comet uh but you do know that you have a certain amount of magic components there uh

definitely supplies uh how they have aged you wouldn't be sure but you know you you you might have resources there if they haven't been destroyed that's something that would occur to you good to know are we too tired to strike out right now I mean the violet thing just starts walking all right let's go you guys are gonna have to I think communicate with her she seems pretty bold in her movements and her choices but koi so unless you stop her she's gonna just start doing her own thing do we need to camp here you may start Yeah, tell her we all need to rest. We haven't rested in a while. She turns around

and is like, oh, alright, let's do it. Alright. Find a safe spot. Yeah, she kind of waves you guys over to some trees and then gestures for you to get close. Alright. Okay, come a little closer, you guys. and then gestures for you to get close. All right.

Okay. Come a little closer, you guys. For what? This. And she goes. And you are encased in a bubble of sorts. Cozy. You guys are inside a protected space.

We cannot be found. Unless you've, I don't know. Would you say it's a safe space? Let's not get political, Brian. I know you just voted. No, dude, unless you've brought... Oh my god, he did! I see his sticker!

Tell me. Unless we've brought what? Oh, what? No, there were bits happening. I don't remember what I was gonna say. You were saying something important, though. There's two ways we could be unsafe inside this bubble. A wild animal could trace us here, but they won't be able to see inside. We appear right now to be a large boulder. Okay.

So we are safe. However, the Archmage could have eyes on us still. So we need to have a quick little chat. Do you have anything else the Archmage gave you? And does he have anything of yours? Do we have the... Is the carl, does that belong to him? Not that you know of.

He wanted us to bring that to him. Write in and tell Brian. What is in our inventory? The goblin ear necklace was pre him um the I don't know did he give us anything

like like uh like besides the phone stones or things yeah if he did he could spy on us I feel like our characters would remember because it was a lot sooner in their lives. You guys can't immediately think of anything. Did we give him anything?

I would say your characters were so casual about it that it would be difficult for you to remember on your own. You would need as players to remember. I would like for it to be that easy for your characters where I could give it away, but I would, I would think you guys would be a little unsure.

You're pretty cavalier about that whole interaction. Robes. We, there were like robes that we, yeah, I don't recall. Is there any way we send him a camera? How seen do an insight check,

please? 13. You know that you have white robes that strongly resembled the white robes that he gave to the undead he created I say we get the robes we put them on a mannequin

and put on a show I'm with Blaine if we get rid of them or do we destroy them because if we get rid of them he can Get the robes. We put them on a mannequin and put on a show. I'm with Blaine. If we get rid of them, or do we destroy them? Because if we get rid of them, he'll know where... He'll find them outside, yeah. Yeah, he'll know basically where we were to them. If he's already tracked it here, then probably better to just... Why don't we send them back?

Can you teleport them back? Hmm. Yeah, I can do that. I'll be back in a bit she walks outside heads back down into the cave she's had it with her bullshit I'm not sure what her deal is do we want her

to become you gave her all the robes correct do we want her to become the god what no here's where we're do we want her to become the god what no this is what we're dealing with everybody's trying to become super evil god

we take out Manzikori we take out the Archmage of Vanderville people are still going to try and become this thing the wizard back at Daym Island ask her directly she feels like she can answer that question I mean that's kind of what I'm like we can't stop him but we can question I mean that's kind of what I'm like we can't stop him but we can put in

somebody that we kind of trust well let's ask her what her intentions are sure when she returns so you wait about an hour

I'll stand watch this is why we're so good at diplomacy because we're just like do you want to kill this person are you going to go into long rest

and leave TikTok just sort of on watch? Yeah. All right. Well then, hey TikTok on watch. Do a perception check, please. And then... Yeah, let's do it.

So what's my perception? 22. All right. So about four hours go by and then you see... I thought you caught me. I can hear it. I don't know where I hear it, yeah,

but I'm smelling the mic. It smells good. I don't like this. It's a Spinal Tap album cover. Four hours go by, TikTok, and you see in the woods something floating through the trees in a different direction than the violet thing.

Like a flump? It's really far away. It's hard to tell. Do an insight check. Also, remember, you've got your boy with you. Yeah, Gussie. So insight is 19. It could be a flump.

That motherfucker. Could be a flump. It's something floating. All right, the only thing I thing i had little danglies it didn't have all dangles you're not a hundred percent it's a fucking flump he fucking knows where we are no matter can it also be venus or but venus would be with the boat how the fuck probably but i'm just saying couldn't it also be a little beholder another what if it's another of the Mother Brain's little beholder friends? I saw something floating one time a long time ago when I was doing a watch.

I saw things floating in the woods, so it could be that mystery thing as well. Can you send Gus out? Sure. You want me to go look, boss? Yeah, boss. All right, boss. Here I go.

Whee! Have him do a stealth check and a perception, please. Okay, perception first. Perception natural 20 plus Jesus. Well, there you go. And then his stealth is 19. All right. Good job. All right. So

I don't think it's should I come back or you want me to whisper through my brain? Let's do some brain whispers. Speaking of brains, i just saw brain a brain a flump or i've never seen something like this before okay so here's what i saw there's a floaty brain and it had like weird tentacles that's a grow and it had a little bird beak to grow it's uh that they're not good yeah it's a grow it. It's that guy. They're not good. It's a growl. It's that fucking guy from the free city of Bozor.

Him and the orc. Remember? Those two guys ran away. They're bad. They're bad news. What was he doing? He was just kind of floating around. By himself?

No. With an orc? He floated around. Wow. Then he met up with his friend. He looked like an orc. Yeah. Remember the guy we paid off and he lost his goddamn shit because we paid

him instead of killing him well and then he ran off in the silver henny woods for sure well I mean they'll be excited to see us yeah that's fine let's do it yeah I'm worried about the grill yeah you are are you staying are you you look everybody up everybody up. So what are you going to do? What do you want to do? We just stay. Yeah. All right. Just keep an eye on him, Gussie.

Okay, boss. He continues to fly around. Do a second round of watch. Perception check, please. This is me. Perception. Yeah. Oh, bad. Double sixes. So that's 11. Okay. perception yeah uh oh bad double sixes so that's uh 11 okay so uh at that point you are kind of just hanging out and quiet wind blows um do one for Gus please

uh he'd bet 18 you want stealth for him too yes please uh 10 for stealth okay uh just looking around trying to find the name of some and rose is humming the bond theme in the other room is that showing up on the headphones? No, it's not. I can hear it. The growl's named Fugglesnuck. I don't know if anyone... So anyway,

I don't see anything, boss. I will say they're just sleeping right now. I think they know where we are. Good, yeah. Alright, we're just keeping an eye on them. Alright, once everybody wakes up, yeah. All right. We're just keeping an eye on them. All right. Once everybody wakes up, I'll tell them.

Okay. So you guys hang out for one more round to learn spells? Mm-hmm. Do one more round of perception check, please. Nine for perception. Oh, jeez. Yeah, bad. Yep.

Don't see anything. All right. Well, I rolled a one. Does that mean I forget things? Well, technically, you're not on watch, so it doesn't really matter,

but you can just accidentally. I just had an anxiety dream. Yeah, you're just trying to pop a zit on your back and accidentally scratch yourself. You swallowed your wand. If I could swallow my wand, I'd never leave the house. What? I'm so glad Sarah's looking at her phone to not hear that.

What'd I miss? Nothing. Funniest joke ever. Fuggles snuck in the orc are out there, if anybody wants to. And then the thing is still up, but just after it feels like almost out of time. She's not

coming back. She shows up. She ascends. Hey, sorry I took so long. Had some business to attend to. How are we doing? We doing good? What's going on? You seem suspicious attend to. How are we doing? We doing good? What's going on? You seem suspicious of me. Is something going on?

Yeah. I heard you might be worried I'm trying to ascend to godhood. No, I was thinking we might want you to. Is that your plan? I remember you saying that too, but I was more worried about the other part. I don't remember. What? Huh you mean what you're too clever i'm not as clever as you i don't understand i heard

everything you said yeah and we said when you got back we wanted to talk to you about whether or not you're going to become a god okay mechanical man what do you want to talk about oh boy it is a lot of work with you uh-huh it is a lot oh you're funny so are you gonna become a god no that'd be fun though do you want me to i'll do it for fun oh my god never mind clompety's doing all right just thought i'd let you know no one attacked him oh good yeah how's the mother brain hmm how's the mother brain oh i don't know i'll find out soon though you might want to leave her alone oh yeah is that a threat no no jesus christ just want to double check i walk away from her okay uh she says uh by the way the bubble's about to pop so i think we should get going where are we going we just gonna go east so you don't want to become you don't want to become man's accord or whatever this works

i'm not sure about the the tenebrous you don't you don't want me to take on the you don't want to that That's not your goal? That's not my goal, no. I kind of want to just get back to my house. What are your long-term plans? Like, where do you see yourself in like five years, ten years? I would really like to settle down, you know, maybe go on vacation. I hear there's a really nice part of the underdark where you know

there's no driders i'd like to go there driders are they smell terrible um they just you know spider farts gross uh that's about it smell like flies yeah exactly they eat bugs all day, right? That's a joke we have. So, drow joke. Right, Darkthor? Sure. Anyway, that's my long-term goal. Huh. I mean, I wouldn't mind ascending. It sounds fun.

But, you know, I'm not looking to do it. Like, do you know any gods? Are you like... I know some other interplanar beings, sure. A lot of them are arch-liches, though. Blech. Right. Most of the time, if you go from plane to plane,

you're trying to murder stuff and take it over and all that stuff. That makes sense. Yeah. Y'all know how it is. The arch-lich knows we're here, by the way. Hmm? Arch-lich knows we're here. We saw...

Right? No, the grell. The grell Lich knows we're here. We saw him. Right? No, the growl. The growl. Yeah, we saw a growl. There was a growl? Yeah, we know this growl, though. Oh, do you want to kill it? I mean, I think we already ran it out of town, so.

Okay. Let's go. I'd like to kill it. You want to kill it? Just saying. I mean, I'll go with you guys but i'm just saying i'd like to do you remember him from bozor we paid them off to leave town right you did uh hey uh tiktok is is uh gus still keeping an eye on them yep i want you to do a perception check then he'll check up

uh 13 uh boss i lost track of them but they're heading east is that towards us no that is the direction you're headed and the direction of like Dr. Uid's home and stuff like that they're gonna go look through your stuff oh no I didn't delete my history they're gonna find all my

Scientology stuff so where do you want to go she starts walking east they're gonna find all my Scientology stuff so where do you want to go? she starts walking east yeah we're just heading to Dame Island right? okay so if you guys are just gonna head to Dame Island with no pit stops if you

look at your map anyone want to share share these you can see you're mostly going through woods right? yes share shares these you can see you're mostly going through woods all right yes uh there is a weird kind of uh forest that none of you have visited before that's that looks swampy on the map north of poxus uh that will be new territory for you. However, you also might be able to piece together a couple of options. So you could potentially get

in touch with the mother brain for transportation. You know that she had her own boats and you could go down the river from there. You would know the violet fang has the ability to send messages magically and could potentially fetch you guys some kind of transportation or further assistance she seems

fine just walking the whole way because she's weird um but there's that element to it. How long will it take us if we did just walk? You think it would take you probably a week. It's a, it's a pretty big distance. Whereas if we go to, let me see, you could cut at least half the time off. If you went to the river and took itself, there's also the possibility you could go down to Bozor and that would only

take a day and then a couple of days to take some other boat around and up the river. So you could go that. That's a longer way with the boat, but it would also be quicker than walking the whole way. I don't know. Yeah. I mean,

I guess if we go north, we go to mother brain. And if we go south, we go to Bozor. Those are two boat paths that we could take, or we just go straight through. What do you guys want to do? Let's take a vote. Okay, does this make sense?

We can either go south back to Bozor, and then we get a boat and come up this way, or we can go north, Mother Brain's around here, and go south on the river this way, or we can go north the mother brain's around here and go south on the river this way or we can just walk I'll throw this out if we go to Bozor we might be able to stop by the temple

of LaRue oh that might be distracting for Gus but yes well distracting in that we will murder everyone in that room. Yeah, I feel like maybe let's save our murder up when we're trying to go for the Archmage,

but I hear you. I hear you. Okay, well, let's take a vote. Who wants to go south to Bozor and Temple of Leroux and try to get a boat there? Raise your hand. I mean, Gus would definitely raise his hand, right?

Yeah, well, Gus is not here right now. He's keeping an eye. I'll vote on behalf of Gus. How about that? I'll vote for it on behalf of Gus. Was that a vote, Brian? I'm trying to think. We're either going south and then boat, or we're going north to Mother Brain and then boat down, or we're just walking, but that'll take twice

as long. I vote for Mother Brain and then Rover down or we're just walking but that'll take twice as long. I vote for Mother Brain and then Rover down. Also because she wants to kill Mother Brain or thinks she might have to. Yeah, we're not sure. It should be interesting. Okay, so voting for south to Bozor, raise your hand. That's one vote on behalf of Gus. North to Mother Brain?

Okay. That's, okay, so it's Mother Brain, north to Mother Brain mother would your vote have been to walk it doesn't matter so i'm curious well you'll never know because i was collecting the votes oh well did you vote for marianne williamson uh yeah and this point final thing is somewhere in the woods you assume east oh she just kept walking while we were talking okay we're we're going north okay are you just walking i'm gonna wait for you now oh okay you want to come with us or no yeah i'm waiting for

you catch up okay all right we'll meet you in the lobby then we'll all we'll all meet for lunch at the omelet bar very strange okay so we're gonna head last thing you ever heard if there's a way to do this to head east and north where we can swing by his old place, we should do it, right? It's up to you. You tell me. Do you want to go get your stuff? Is it en route at all?

It's a little en route. You'd have to go a little out of your way, but yeah. You'd have to kind of go more in the direction that Violet Fang was wandering. Do you want to do that? If we want to sort of stagger our way over there in case we're being followed. And also, do we have those robes are there robes do we know you just said the violet fang kind of carted them off and took them back to clompety presumably to be destroyed yeah let's

do it i'll swing by and grab some shit out of my place okay great yeah your vinyl i mean i tried to get all my vinyl it was like my car was too small so there's a lot of vinyl there I'm surprised it's probably all full of silverfish you guys figure out

pretty quick first of all I heard the silverfish thing and that sent HL up my spine because they creep me the fuck out they're flat they're flat

why the way they move they look like fish but they're on land no they're bugs how do they come out of the showers too

that's a bummer oh fuck when they come out of the showers too that's a bummer when they come out of like the drain you're like you my house it doesn't have any bugs i'm so proud of myself god damn it i they're made out of wet dust i am going to kill you in real life for making me put that together so i threw up in my mouth a little bit just then. And then also, the Ice Five, you're now heading east. It's only a little bit out of your way. And yeah, you figure out pretty quick now that you're walking around, Dr. Ewan, exactly where your house is going to be.

So you're able to lead the party. It's only a little bit while. And you get to what used to be your little cabin. This is like Skyfall. As you approach and you see it in the distance through the trees, Gus sends a little blip to you, TikTok.

Hey, this is kind of the direction those guys were going. I don't see them, though. Keep your eyes open. Okay, boss. Do a perception check for him. For Gus? Uh-huh. 16. Smoke's coming out of that chimney. There's only one chimney to be had?

They've been living in your house, bro. I'm so sick of squatters. Go Goldilocks them. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to go get my big Mardi Gras bear head with the chicken wire mouth. I'm going to walk in. Fee-fias bear head with the chicken wire mouth. I'm going to walk in. Fee, fie, foe, foe, you motherfuckers. So you guys start approaching Dr. Uid's cabin.

Your cabin is now completely overgrown with moss and vines. It already had some that you were growing sort of recreationally, Dr. Uid. Yeah, well, that's what I told the cops. And it does indeed have smoke coming out of the chimney. You've got a clearing around it, and you're going to be visible through the mossed-over windows if there's any gaps. Should we just announce our...

We know their names. That's going to freak them out if we just go like... If we just go like, Fogglesnugged. What's the other guy's name? Is it Dougthuck? No, Dougthuck was the troll you killed. I have a key. I think we should just walk right in. Oh, we would be back here. Catch him in the act. You do have a key.

And flog Ratay to Lickto. Okay. Keckle. Keckle. Keckle and Fugglesnugged. I love that you wrote them both down. Should we yell out, we're home. Keckle and Fugglesnugged home so you walk up to the door and are you you're walking right up are you yelling outside or after are you just gonna

Dr. Uwe just gonna open the door we're gonna walk in like a surprise party yeah we're gonna do a honey I'm home okay but I do want to say their names so that they you know what I mean so that after you open the door like yeah I guess if he wants to open.

This is your moment to decide what kind of theatricality you want to display. It's his house, so he gets to decide. Oh, I pointed, it's dark today. You should put on your Admiral hat, because remember, you were the Admiral when we took over the town hall. These were the guards in the town hall.

He's familiar with your title, sure. Sure, I changed to the Admiral. Okay. I used my... Your hat. No. Disguise self. Disguise self. Disguise self disguise self yeah that's right okay all right so uh you dr would place the key in the keyhole you turn it and you open it and are you saying this or dr what do you say dr wood uh honey i'm ho except instead of honey he says

fuggle snuck and greckel keckle keckle uh so you open the door and as you do uh you see there is uh two beings in this house an orc and a grell um there is a large pot of stew on the fire uh an orc is standing over it wearing an apron and stirring it with a big ladle. Are they like together? And the grell is in the corner smoking a pipe. This is cute. It's like a Billy Joel song.

When you open the door and announce yourselves they both turn and stare at you. Very shocked. And the orc drops the ladle in his stew and stares mouth agape. Hi, guys.

What you doing here? You not supposed this my house? Nope. My name, doctor. I live here. You not come in. We have dinner now oh I your doctor oh that is my name you must leave I tell everyone you open door you sound like a

doctor all right I thank you I talk like this you have to go heckle don't you recognize us my name is not tackle that was it's go. Kekkel, don't you recognize us? My name is not Kekkel. That was another... It's Dr. Kekkel. Dr. Uwe, thank you very much. Dr. Kekkel and Mr. Dumshoes. I hired a gnome to read things to me, and he tells me my

name is Dr. Uwe, and that's what I found when I'm living here. So you have to leave my house. Don't you remember? Didn't we give you like 10 shiny gold pieces and you ran? You gave a gawk and they chuckled at me. My name is Dr. Ewan and this is my house.

But you have heard. Dr. Ewan. I mean. I'm talking to you. Yeah. What are you going to tell this fucker? They seem very happy here. Well, if you if you want yes but it's his house you know how i am with property dr what would you like to do i feel like these guys have already gone through my stuff

why don't you just get your stuff and all of them yeah they might not want it maybe you can just be like okay dr would my father thing is laughing her ass off right now maybe they'll maybe they'll let you because he doesn't care about your stuff probably i'm gonna go uh i'm gonna wait here i'm gonna go in and check out my stuff okay you notice right away they've rearranged all the furniture. Oh! Everything seems basically where it was, but they've... My presets. The couch is against a different wall. The TV is against a different...

No, there's no TV. But, like, you know, all your... It looks like... They didn't tack posters up that's coming out of my security department. It looks like it's pretty different. Why don't you do an investigation check? Do they have a cat uh 14 okay so you realize pretty quick you're not sure where your stuff is you left most of it in a couple of chests and then you had a secret compartment in the basement

the basement was under a carpet that is still on the floor in fact moss has and mold have kind of grown over your carpet um and you think the trapdoor to your basement is maybe undiscovered for that reason but your chest you don't know where they are at this point Kekkel runs up to you Dr. Ued and says you stop

casing this joint this my joint you got to go I'm gonna throw hold person on him. All right. Will you remind our listeners how hold person goes and I will look it up. Well, I roll hold person and that person is held. Choose

a humanoid to see within range. A target must succeed a wisdom saving throw, so he's going to try that. There's no way. Oh, how? What is your spell save DC, Dr. Because he has a negative two to wisdom, but he rolled a 19. Oh, I spell is a 15.

So he goes, whoa, what you do to me? I feel funny in my parts. You make a thing happen to Dr. Ewan. That was rude. Oh, is he not held? No. He made a saving throw by two. All right.

I'm going to need you out of here. I'm serious. I've called Jerry about this. I need you out of here. Jerry the landlord? Yes, Jerry the fucking landlord. Roll an intimidation check. Who else do you think?

What fucking Jerry do you think I'm talking about? A lot of Jerrys. I forgot them, though. I forgot Jerry. Oh, don't forget Jerry. I'm sorry. I forgot Jerry. 17.

He goes, oh, I guess I should go I there's a lot of you when you look scarier than when I saw you last I don't like it okay get out of here and take your girlfriend with you but my

girlfriend splits the red he motions to the grill the grill like kind of But my girlfriend splits the rent. He motions to the grill. The grill kind of sadly puts the pipe down with its tentacle. It's such a sad story. You're just going to abandon this house again. You hear Christmas time is here from the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Play in your minds as the two of them kind of float and walk. There's a housing crisis in Clottenheim.

We're just... You can come back. Tell them. It's cold outside. You're just going to Airbnb it to like one guy. I hope there's a good Airbnb nearby and they don't charge those really gougy cleaning fees. You know how that goes.

God, I really don't give a fuck. I know Sarah does. Okay, yeah. We should try an air D&D. They go outside. So yeah, without having to roll another investigation check because there's no longer an opposing force inside your house, you're able to find

your chests. They are turned on their side into seating arrangements with blankets thrown over them. Oh my stuff. You're easily able to pop them open. One of your chests, a lot of it's broken. You had a lot of like scrolls and books in there, but it looks like water has gotten in there and it's trashed.

So it's... That happened to a couple of rolls of film. What? The other one, same problem. It looks like there was money in here and they smashed one side of it open and they took all your money. Oh, great.

I'm sorry about your stuff. But what about the basement? It's okay. I only accumulated it over the course of my life. But the basement stuff, right, is different? Yes. He also has a little special lab downstairs. All right.

Let's get into my secret lab. Remember, it's a secret! Oh. Okay. So there's a carpet molded to the floor. It didn't used to be molded to the floor, but now it's very sticky and heavy. You gonna yank it up? I'm gonna yank it up.

All right. When you do, it sort of disintegrates a little bit and ants scurry everywhere. There's clearly like nesting underneath it. Gross. And the door is there. It's got stains all over to make it seem as if water has set into your floorboards. And it doesn't look like anyone's disturbed it in at least a couple of years. This place is a black mold trap.

When I moved in, you pop it open. You walk down your little stepladder. You have a small lab down there. Everything is exactly as you left it. The following things are available for you to take with you, if you like. You have three greater healing potions.

Ooh! Three regular healing potions. Two platinum pieces worth of gold. You have... Let's see. What else you got? What else you got? Oh, you have a small case with three wands in them.

One, two, three, wand case. One of these wands has five charges of fireball that when it is done, it is done. It does not recharge. The second one has one

earthquake spell in it. When it's done, it's done. It's done. And the third one can only be used once a day, but it does recharge every day, and it has feather fall. Oh. So you now have three wands.

Three greater healing potions, three regular potions, and two platinum worth of money. There's also an alchemy set. I don't know if you guys already have one, but there's an alchemy set. A lot of folks start with one. And that's about it. Fantastic.

I like your stuff. It likes you too. And how are we doing on time, Sam? We're about two minutes. Great. and how we doing on time Sam about two minutes great so you head up plotting towards the mother brains headquarters great let's just do

a survival check to see how quickly you can get there oh holy shit natural 20 I could see it from here. Natural one. A gung. We'll say those two cancel each other. How the rest of you do?

26, 23, 6. Ouch. 23 cancels that out. What'd you get, doctor? Don't I have? I have a couple. Yeah, you have a total survival bonus up the ass. Okay, 22.

Yeah. All right. Well, okay. 22. Yeah. All right. Well, enough of you rolled high that those of you who rolled low kind of get prepped up. So, uh, Queep, Queep, especially. Lucky.

You get tired. But yeah, you make pretty good time. And before long, you guys can see around the mountain bend what you know to be the river. Uh, it's the end of the day uh you've you've exited the woods you've not encountered anything with those survival rolls i would have maybe had a forest

monster attack you if uh you hadn't canceled out all your single digit rolls with some 20 pluses but you did good and uh yeah on that note you see around the bend the encampment where you once met the mother brain. Ooh. Hey, Sam. Hi. What do you think happened today on Nerd Poker? Okay, episode 60. I can't wait to hear what this whisper is.

Oh, I peed during the whisper. There's something floating in the woods and it is danglies. We're from where Dr. Uwet is from. Oh, there's orcs living in the home i fear we're gonna kill them we kill a lot of people oh we're kicking them out of their home this is worse and we found dr

it's old lab and his things i hope that makes him happy yep that was a six oh what do you got going on there there dan uh i guess i didn't mention last episode i'll mention again if tickets are still available i'm gonna do that thing Yep, that was 6-0. What do you got going on there, Dan? I guess I didn't mention last episode. I'll mention it again. If tickets are still available,

I'm going to do that thing with Patton at Largo at the end of May. So I would love to see you there. And I have my monthly show at Geeky T's in Burbank. I think it's about to happen when this drops. So the March edition, Jimmy Pardo had to cancel last month because he had a migraine, but he will be back this drops. The March edition, Jimmy Pardo had to cancel last month because he had a migraine, but he will be back this month. We have Sarah

Schaefer, Sarah Mowry, Emma Willman. It'll be a good time. Right on. BrianPassin.com for tour dates for myself and my record, Grandpa Metal, is everywhere where records are available. and also if you're young

you can stream it yeah um thanks for what about uh you and the keechter the kitchen a ter what's up we're gonna be at a we're gonna be a grand opening of a poquito moss in Santa Barbara sweet so swing on by us right by the train station you can hop off you can uh get a selfie and hop back on you know they have needed a poquito moss by the santa barbara train station for fucking so long hey guess really great guess what i don't get that excited about anything hey hey poquito moss yeah guess hey guess, guess what? Guess what? What? They got your letter. God damn it.

Finally. Woo! But it's going to be in Goleta, not Santa Barbara. Hey, you know what? Same fucking difference. You say Goleta, I say Goleta. Let's call. Thanks for listening.

I'll think Bakita. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.