Nerd Poker - Episode 66 - Gorey Ghosts

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

The undead tuskfolk continue to try to skewer the Ice Five and suck their very life forces from them. Hopefully those eyeballs growing out of the floor will somehow turn out to be good guys and lend a helping eyestalk. Right?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Clay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 66. And it's our fourth social distancing episode. Getting used to looking at people in squares instead of having them in my dining room. So my friends. In squares. In squares. That's Blaine Kapach.

Hello, Blaine. Hi, Brian. Sarah. Hi. Ken. Hello. Chris. Hello. In the middle square, Dan. Hello, my dearest. Hey, buddy. And as always, at his desk, everybody. Will you want to say hi to some people there, Dan? I sure will. And, you know, we have been putting little video snippets on Patreon, so we're going to keep trying to do little snippets on Patreon. A few people have asked on Patreon,

if we're doing snippets, how come we don't do the full episode? So I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to those people and say, yes, we would love to do that. However, video files are gigantic and we are not video editors and we have things in our homes that we don't always want in the video. So it's really hard to kind of go through. It's not like audio

where you can be in another tab doing your gig economy job while you're listening to the audio. Me and Sam usually listen to the full episode, but with video you have to focus the whole time and it's a little more effort. So we're putting putting clips up we might put a full episode up at some point and i just wanted to thank everyone on patreon for all the nice words you said because i think it's been a big hit i think people have really appreciated having some video clips so uh thanks guys we're

doing our best with what we got hello and hello and it's really it Sam. It is. Huge props to Sam who's killing it in the engineer department, being a real dope. And it was his birthday the other day, so happy belated birthday, Sam. Happy birthday, Sam. We got you some props. Yay!

And you know what? Sam's birthday was brought to us by Patreon supporters I decided For this transition Like, Sam, I'll tell you Patreon supporters who go by things Like Vortispin Thanks, Vortispin

Thanks, H.J. Gilham H.J.? The H is for hand I get that joke Thank you dink stein cooler thank you thanks Robert Collins thank you Larry and Rivers Larry thank you thank you MC Hoo-ha, also known as MC Hoo-ha. The M stands for hand. Thank you. Sorry, Blaine. My name is Ozzy, not Artie Johnson.

Oh. Oh. Oh. That is very interesting, but stupid. Yeah, you... All right, Bajette, you your Funkin' Wagnalls. What? I don't understand.

I remember Funkin' Wagnalls. Those were excellent nature psychophanies. They would... On Laugh-In, they would say, put that in your Funkin' Wagnalls because it sounded like you were saying something else on television. It's sort of like the Fuddruckers theory. Olive juice.

Funkin' Waggles sounds like what? Fucking... Fucking Waggles. Put that in your fucking dictionary. In your fucking dictionary. Okay, also thank you Stabby McNeedles. Ouch. Thank you. Thanks Brian Tevis. Thanks Brian.

Thank you TikTok's Titty Twister. Thanks 4T. How many T's are in that sentence? Thank you, Sarah's Palladino's Shame. Thank you. I love the Sarah take that she did after being called out for her shame.

Is it shameful that I don't like that bit, or is it my shame is I don't even know. do think people sort of like condense what it really is that's happening there so it'll fit within a patreon name thank you Ryan emnit thank you Ryan

thanks Ryan thanks Kellen Dano thanks thank you I forget where I left off I think Kellen Dano thank you Ben Kovalec thanks Ben thanks I bent my wookie and thank you Forget where I left off. I think Kel and Dano. Thank you, Ben Kovalec. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben.

Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks for bending your wookie.

You know what? Thanks for Ralph Wiggum-ing your action figure. And most of all, I would like to thank Gus's inevitable existential crisis on infinite Earths. Thank you, Gus's inevitable existential crisis on infinite Earths, which sounds like a mash-up pun between DC's Crisis on Infinite Earths and Gus's Existential Crisis. That's a total rip-off of my

comic book, Crisis on Finite Earths. You know, Blaine, speaking of things that you are having a crisis with, can you tell us who those Patreon supporters are brought to us by? Yeah, they're brought to you by Far Away Toothpaste. When you want to get far away,

Far Away Toothpaste in dog shit and rats. Dan? Oh my god. Alright. Dogs and rats. I believe our actual Tom's of Maine

toothpaste flavor. Yeah, none of them work either. But Calendula I like. I like Calendula. Calendula? Calendula. It's a vampire. Calugular?

I can't wait for this to be over so I can go back to Caligula Pizza Kitchen. If only all of Rome had just one appetizer. Wow. We're still doing these bits. Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone. Let's get into what happened last time on Nerd Poker. That's right, motherfuckers. You're mid-combat. You broke into Dratlana's big-ass spooky boat. You encountered what may be the Tenebrous One.

And now you're fighting a bunch of ghost-ass narwhal people in what used to be the war room, but is now covered in a slime with fucking beholder eyeballs or some shit sprouting out of the ground. We're gonna head into combat order in a second. But first of all, I just want to say, good job, everybody. You're fighting ghost narwhals. Okay. Yeah, Dark, you're first in the turn order, so you guys are currently

fighting a couple of visible narwhals, and one that is sort of ghosted himself into the darkness. I do have a little map that I'm working off of. Mr. Chris Tallman got a sneak preview.

I'm trying to sort of transition us into an online map where we can put little tokens down and stuff. But yeah, that'll be an upcoming feature. I think I want to make sure we're not talking about the technical glitches on the air.

I think I want to make sure we iron it all out. But as far as the little map goes, you guys are kind of on the... Well, you started on the north side of the room. There's a door on either side of you behind you and a door on either side in front of you. Well, you started on the north side of the room. There's a door on either side of you behind you and a door on either side in front of you. You were starting to examine a door where the slime drove lead. And then you realize there are sort of ghosts watching you.

You're engaging them. One of them is currently being sort of sliced and diced. Another one, Sarah's got Halcyon turned undead on him and they're kind of scurrying along a wall away from everybody. And one of them just sort of stealthed up behind Darkthor and almost impaled him with its tusk.

Cartoon noise in the background from probably Sam watching YouTube videos on his phone. But Dark, you're up next in the turn order. You just saw a Tusk come up behind and jack up your

ribs. Yeah. Well, it's not stuck in me, is it? No, he pulled back and kind of stealthed away. So you know he's probably behind you somewhere, but it's impossible to see

exactly where that one is. There is a guy right in front of you that you've been shredding, though. Okay. Okay. Well, I'll keep going on the one in front of me. Okay. Sounds good. Part of me wants to chase

after the guy that just stabbed me in the back. Yeah, which I welcome. I think that would be fun. He jacked you from behind, Darkthor. Yeah. Hey, that sounds kind of thoughtful, jacking him from behind. Then he pulled out. Is there any way I can, if I did run,

if I did turn and run, can I catch up to him? It's possible. Like I said, you can't see him, but there's a solid chance if you turned around and did what I'll give you as an insight check that you can trace which

direction and how far away he is. Yeah, that's what I want to do. I'll let you either do insight based off of the attack, which I would give you advantage on because he just pulled out of you specifically, or I can have you do a perception, which I would let anyone do. Shit.

And when you turn around... I'll do insight and then take the advantage. Go for it, buddy. That's two rolls of the 20-sided. Did you say Lou Rawls? I'll take the 18 plus 4. 22. Great. I'll take the 18 plus 4 22 great so he kind of pulls and you throw your eyes

over your shoulder and you see he looks like he took a huge leap backwards you're guessing he's about 10 feet behind you he's completely invisible now but you feel like he's 10 feet directly behind you okay I'm gonna rush at him feel like he's 10 feet directly behind you. Okay.

I'm going to rush at him as fast as I can. Don't I have some kind of thing where I can close the distance? You do have Dread Ambush. He seems like he might be close enough, though, that you could just charge him without using it. Okay. I'll charge him without using it, and then

get some stabs. Sweet. Darkthor, you could scream dread ambush at him. Yeah, like while you hit your loot, just play a power chord.

Oh, please. Ka-ching! Dread ambush! That guy in the back. Woo, I love this one. Bunch of people running from the bathroom. I love this one. Bunch of people running from the bathroom. Why are you picking out a smoke?

16 plus 6 on the long side. That is a hit. Okay. 8. 8. 8. 2 ladies. Oh, hey, Mavis.

6 on the first thing, on the first sword. Okay, cool. And then do I get... I'm so confused by what we decided now on the movements because we used to do another thing and where i got automatic two movements but now i do get a i get a bonus second hand right i can use the dagger or no when you say movements do you mean attacks attacks Attacks, yes. Okay. So you get... Chris, you helped me research this also.

I believe three attacks total. Two with your main hand weapon and a third with your offhand weapon. So I'll take another main... I'll take another swing with my sword again. You got it, buddy. And I'm going to put your options for what you can do

with your runic sword in chat as a reminder to not just you, but everybody. 19. Is a 19 a hit? It's also a hit. Look at you. Time for that offhand dagger attack. Okay, time for that offhand dagger attack.

Okay. 16 plus 7. Holy crud. Yeah, that's also a hit. Okay. Chopping him up. Chop him up. I'll take it.

Chop him up. I'll take it. Oh, my God. That's specifically for Brian I saw a really funny joke I'm trying to remember the website I thought that Brian would love it It's a born again heavy metal guy That only listens to Old Testament

That's pretty specific I wish I could remember the site That's great Oh hard times I don't the site. That's great. Like some onion site. I forget what it's called. Oh, Hard Times. I don't want to take somebody's joke. I love jokes like that.

It's a good one. I got an eight. Four plus four on the Pearson. Okay. So when you take your runic sword and you kind of smash it across this guy two times, when you take your runic sword and you kind of smash it across this guy two times, you see sort of his incorporeal ectoplasmic

form kind of like sheer out and kind of fly across the space in front of him and he kind of like lights up in white as you do it. As you throw your dagger into him, nothing really happens. It seems like it almost,

even though it's like a perfect connection, kind of goes through him a little bit. And it occurs to you that it might be that only magical melee weapons are going to actually do that kind of damage. I think we knew that last episode and I forgot it. Yeah, we had discovered that last episode that magical weapons were. Okay. We'll just use it as a reminder to listeners

because there's not really anything else you could have done with your offhand anyway. There's no real downside to you having tried. Gotcha. And unless you want to move away or anything... I would. I would so he doesn't get on me again.

Okay, but I'll say to everybody else you all know does Darkthor get stabbed, turn around, charge, and he hits an invisible guy twice and kind of lights him up a little bit so you guys can see him. Darkthor, I'll remind you that by swinging with your sword,

you get to gift one attack to another party member. Oh, we'll take it. Well, funny you should say that. Well, if you would like, TikTok is up next. Yes. Can he just do two attacks then? That would be awesome.

So TikTok, you've been plugging the guy with Darkthor with your longbow, but now you see this other guy that Darkthor's been going after. I can see that guy? Yes. Okay, I will fire at him with my magical arrow.

Cool. Roll to attack. Attack? I don't know why I said attack. Attack sounds like... Space favor airport. It's my least favorite airport. It's a good board game. One of these guys has been turned, right? Is that what we...

One of them... Ooh, only an 11. Ooh, yeah, that'll be a miss. So it just sort of thuds over his shoulder into the wall. Can I make that one the one that the attack gifted to me from Darkthir, and then we'll go into my two personal attacks.

You got it. Cool. Okay, so this would be the second one. 26 to hit. That is certainly a hit. Roll your dams. Okay, and then for the damage, 10 points of damage. And then last one. This has been that great.

12. Oh, no, I'm sorry. 14. My mistake. 14 to hit? Yeah. That's another miss. And which one are you attacking?

This was the one that was just behind Darkthir that you just told me I saw. The one newly taking damage. Yes. Great. Okay. So you managed to get one really nice arrow right into its side. Okay. Yeah, you feel like you've actually done a whole ton of damage on that guy.

Cool. Really quickly. And then movement-wise, I just want to make sure I'm not... am I within melee of anybody? Um, no. Well, you could be. Yes, you could move within melee of any of these guys at this point. Except for the turn on dead guy who's kind of like... Because I'm on the bow, I want to make sure I'm staying out of melee with people for the time being.

Okay. That's it. That's my turn. Lovely. Up next in the turn order, we've got Dr. Uwud. Well, I think I have a thorn whip! So I'm going'm gonna whoever the closest invisible thing is I think there was

one that I had already contacted with so yeah you know you've been whipping the one that was previously being engaged by you and Darkthor and TikTok from a distance I'm going to continue to engage him

with a 19 plus... It's just a 19. Oh, do I get a magic attack bonus on that one? You sure do. I think it's your spell attack bonus. So that's a 26. That's a hit. Roll your Thorn Whip damage.

Thorn Whip. You know what? I'll tell you, there's nothing more refreshing than a thorn whip at Disneyland by the Tiki Room. After when it's really hot. I love going in there and just having a good thorn whip. Nice iced thorn whip. Before looking at a bunch of parrot puppets.

Will that place ever be reopened? I mean, as far as our president says, it's ready to open tomorrow. Why not? America has to get back to work. It'll open when I break into it tomorrow because I am having the worst cabin fever of my life. Nine. I got nine on that one.

I've been okay. I kind of hit a wall of boredom a couple of days ago, and I've been really bored and restless lately. But I was doing okay. Blaine, you said you hit a wall of boredom a couple of days ago, and then you completely cut out. Look at his eyes. Look at his eyes.

I know. Blaine, you hit a wall of boredom a couple of days ago, you said? Yes, and I also got nine points in damage. Yeah, well, I caught that, but what about hitting a wall of boredom? I want to hear your mini story. Oh, I think, yeah, we were just saying, I thought I was coping very well, just kind of hanging out and everything, and then a couple of days ago, I just got really bored, and I've been bored. So I thought I was doing okay and I would

know I'm not doing okay no I'm bored are you driving at all chairman of the board I go out and every night every few days I'll go out and we'll take like a drive around the city because you can do a whole lot gotta do that yeah I recommend that to everybody fresh air I have to leave every day and go home and come back to my mom's. We're getting out plenty. We've been going to Malibu every couple of days just because it's a nice

drive. You just drive over the hill, just go to the beach, which there's no one there, and then you turn around. It's been nice. All three of us really like it. It's also a great time to get out and rob empty stores.

I like to joke about doing stuff like that because I am far too terrified of getting sick to go outside. Yeah, I don't blame you. I've been doing my best to just go to the pick up the cabin fever I don't think would be fixed by driving around but I don't have a car anyway, so who cares?

Hey, Blaine, how would you like to see this spectral narwhal die? Well, I thorn whipped him, right? I would like to kind of pull the whip back, kind of like an SSP racer, like I'm pulling

the ripcord on something really quick. And I'd like it to spin off his forehead and make like a bowtie whistle noise and then have the nerve it's connected to just like wrench his brain out and he spasms. Wow. You just see the

guy spin like a top and you hear this whistling noise as the ectoplasm sort of splatters across all the walls uh like like like like a very disgusting uh biological reaction and um yeah you just see its spectral brain stem pop out and hit the ceiling uh good work dr uid um do you want to do anything else with your turn? I'm probably just going to look at camera and go, live from New York it's Saturday night!

Awesome. Well, normally that would mean it is Don Pardo or Daryl Hammond's turn to announce the cast, but instead we're going to go to Halcine, who's next in my turn order. Okay, so the one guy, wasn't to Halcine, who's next in my turn order. Okay, so the one guy, wasn't the guy who was turned who's dead now?

No. The guy that just got killed is the one who was the first to be attacked. There's the guy who's turned, sort of on the far end of the room, and hasn't been hit yet. And then there's a guy who just is

newly hit that Darkthorn and TikTok have been laying into. I'm going to Sacred Flame the guy who's trying to get out of here. The guy who's scrambling on the wall? Yes. What is the distance on Sacred Flame? Because he's about 80 feet away.

60 feet. So can I close that distance and then do it, I guess? You sure can. Yes, you can. I'm like running out of... Yeah, that's a cantrip, so... Yeah, quick reminder to everybody. I think this is what Sarah's hinting at.

You guys haven't rested in a while, so spells are running low. Yeah, Thorn Whip is all I have. It's not easy climbing on a boat. I was really cruel to you guys. Target must succeed on a dexterity saving throw. The game no benefit from cover. Cool.

Well, this guy has a plus zero to his deck save. And he rolled a four. Roll your damage. Nine points of damage. Cool. So you guys see Halseen charge towards the running away guy and she just torches him, lights him up as it were. And

cool. Does that cease your turn, halcyon got no more i can do gotcha so that'll bring us up next to the dead ghost no no the ghost who's being laid into okay he is going to disappear. It's what they do. The guy you've been just sort of hacking at, you just see him kind of go and little, like, smoky tendrils wisp through the air

for a second, and he seems to have basically evaporated. And for a second. He seems to have basically evaporated. And do-do-do-do-do-do Dr. Uwud? You see a tusk kind of fly past you as this guy

overextends himself from the side and tries to impale you. When he realizes his foibles, he does try to back up a little bit away so he is not in immediate range.

Do I get an attack of opportunity there? Blaine, I'm so glad you asked. You sure do. Yeah! Don't forget your attacks of opportunity, everybody. Go for it, buddy. Oh, sorry, sorry.

You're glitching up here a little bit. I do? Oh, was I? Sorry. Yeah, go for it. Yeah, so, I do? Yes. It's a melee attack. You may not kiss the bread. I rolled a two. Is that even close? No. Sadly, the ghost

does not have the worst armor class of all time. Okay. I was kind of hoping he did, but oh well. There you go. Good. Well, good job remembering your attack of opportunity. He is going to phase out the guy uh who was getting lit up i'm going to double check his turn on dead rules sarah do you remember if he gets to re-roll his resisting to it or if he's just like it's a certain i believe there's a certain period of time but let me double check i think it's like a minute uh sorry i don't have it pulled up

i was about to tell brian while you're looking up something i can talk to him about uh paladinos online they've been doing a big zoom concert on the weekends and it was uh so great yeah it was fantastic it was a mr mr mr mr and uh mr big mr big sputnik it was mr knight uh just bring the misses and uh it was kind of hit or miss but nothing but hits i like it yeah you'd love it i i looked up the rules but sarah well please i looked at the rules and i learned that i'm a big dummy who made a mistake um and uh because the creature is turned for one minute or until guess what happened some dumb ass decides to do damage to it so when i did that damage on it it was no longer turned. Correct. So he is now going to spend his turn on the wall all

fucking creepy ghost style. He's going to while clinging to the wall, turn his head and stare right at you, Halcine and take a lunge for you. Is it going to be a long lunge? Because we have a

hard five meeting. This is a union attack. Okay, Halcine, I'm going to have you do a constitution saving throw. She's great at those. That is a 10. Ooh, okay. So, uh, he is, you're going to feel this sort of chilling grasp as it places both its little mitts, little fin mitts on your shoulders and leeches some of your life force from you. Uh, you are going to take 12 points of psychic damage.

Whoa! Okay, now... Yikes. Okay. I took 12 points of psychic damage when I watched Pen15. If you've seen that show, it's great. It's really very effective.

I have three Wrath of the Storm per long rest. I know I used it once. I don't think I used it twice. Nope. I haven't even marked it because we have so rarely gone long. You used it once on the Juggernaut.

That's what I have. Okay. So I'm going to use Wrath of the Storm. When a creature within five feet that I can see hits you with an attack, hits me with an attack, I can use my reaction to cause it to make a dex saving throw. DC 14. Rolled an 11.

Yeah. Cool. So it's going to take 10 points of lightning damage. Oh, shit. So yeah, it just sort of crackles with electricity and hisses as it backs away from you As you do

Sarah as it backs away from you Yes great Sarah as it backs away from you Oh you're reminding me to take an attack of opportunity Yes I am Smack dab in the middle Interesting okay Then I guess I'll just go ahead and

cantrip that little boy yeah sacred flame that's all I can do I don't know I think well you know what let's be fair here you would know you need a magical melee weapon I don't think you can cantrip on attack of opportunity I'm going to double

check that. Brian, those eggs look real good. Looks good. Sorry. Yeah, you need the war caster feat to do that. To do what? To use a spell on an attack of opportunity? I think so, yeah.

That seems weird. Okay. It's cruel. Then I can't do anything cool we wasted a bunch of time on my bad idea sorry everybody I was real coy about it and then it turned out I'm don't beat yourself up wasn't that much

time Brian you're operating on like a different timeline though man he's on that sweet egg time did you see those eggs oh billy's gotten real gruff lately i like eggs too i'm sorry i i just woke up right before we started so that's why my wife delivered me breakfast 12 30 breakfast i live in the fucking life. But yeah, Halcyon, anyway, I guess my point is he's now 10 feet in front of you. And we've got

Queep. Hey, Queep. Yeah. I don't have any magical weapons, unfortunately. It's true. So, what's left? Who's left around? What's the... Two dudes.

One's sort of facing off with Halcine and then one just took a dive at Dr. Uid. So there's tactical stuff you can do. But yeah, you're at a bit of a disadvantage because you don't have a weapon. Yeah. I guess I could try attacking and make it go away.

You might still do damage, just not as much. This sounds like an attempted intimidation. Okay. I will attack with my greataxe in an intimidating fashion. Cool. I think the best thing to do here is to well are you trying to make him think like you do have a magical weapon

I guess is the point is it deception yes so that is a super deception do you have advantage on this I do I'm proficient well cha cha

so well on this? I do. I'm proficient. Well, cha-cha. So, well, that's a natural 20 on the first one. Yeah. Which one are you swinging at, by the way? The one that Hal Seans got, or the one that just went for Dr. Whoitt? The one that went for Dr. Whoitt. Okay. So, you just,

are you, like, flying towards it? Are you being real like a bird boy? Yeah, I'm being super threatening. And what is the noise that Queep makes to threaten him? Kakala, fuck you. Okay. And with that, you bring it. And he is going to go ahead and back up against the door.

So he's flat against it. That is going to mean Blaine, normally this would be an attack of opportunity for you, but you only get one of those per round. Because it's your reaction. But yeah, now he's

got his back against the wall and he's flanked so if say someone were to come up on him he would basically I don't know if you can see my hands with my dumbass background but it's like you Dr. Uwud and he's here now he was here

so you've got him kind of pinned up against this wall so yeah here. So you've got him kind of pinned up against this wall. So Yeah, I was still on attack with my axe. Okay. Now you have a pretty good feeling this isn't going to do any damage. Well, maybe he'll believe it will. Are you saying it might destroy the deception?

Correct. If I actually do that. Okay. Well... You did like a powerful feint. Yeah. Well then, I'll let Dr. Irwin attack him. Sadly, you can't give an action to another player.

Because this is sort of happening in concert with his last action. Throw me the axe and I throw him the whip. Well, true. You could just figure out some way to magically I wish you could hand off Thorn Whip, right? I was going to say, yeah, can I borrow the Thorn Whip?

It's like magically bound to Dr. Ewits' hand, unfortunately. Well, I guess I'll just hold my action and I don't know what else to do. with its hand, unfortunately. Well, I guess I've just told my action, and I don't know what else to do. You can do that. Okay. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. I just had a question that might help.

Could you use anything as a magical... If you have a magic shield or magic... Do you know what I mean? If you backhand somebody with magical gloves or do those count you know those are all i mean my would my claws work my foot my my footwear it's not because it's not magical i don't think it would yeah i don't think i have anything magical oh okay i was just checking because i feel like i i realized like i do have a magical shield for example so if i had just shoved i could have used that.

But I thought maybe you might have some magical item on your person that you could melee with. Cleve, didn't you get a magical item when everybody else got one? I got the boots. Could you kick them with your magic boots? Yeah, are they magical? But they're not magical. I thought.

I don't know. Aren't they? They are magical, actually. Oh, okay. So I will attack those. Kick that, mother. Here's what I'll do. I don't know. Aren't they? They are magical, actually. Oh, okay. So I will attack with those. Here's what I'll do. I'll say yes, but if you attack with your boots

or Halcyon attacks with her shield, because you don't have a feat that makes you a monk where you can do really badass melee things, and because Sarah doesn't have... Halcyon doesn't have a shield bash attack as part of her class. It'll be melee damage.

So you're going to be doing whatever it says your melee damage is. Well, I do have... I have Talons and Unarmed Strike. Correct. It's Unarmed Strike. Yeah, mine is not bad, actually. So yes, it'll be your Talon and Unarmed Strike. So my Talon attack. Yep.

Because I'm using my Talons. Okay. You get it. Thank you, Sarah. Sarah made this fight way more interesting. By the way, I love you on America's Got Talent. I'm imagining him hovering in midair and kicking his little legs

right in his face. He's using his wings to keep himself up. Yeah, just like... So that's a 20. With my bow. And so... That's some popular kick you action or whatever.

I kick at thee. So that's 7 points of damage. Alright, he seems horrified as your magical claw attack just starts raking into his face. Hi. Hi. Sarah,

I feel like I need to give you a retroactive shield bash. Do you want to? No, I didn't. I didn't earn it. I should have thought of that at the time, and I didn't. We're figuring it out as it goes. Thank you, though. I appreciate it. I just want to be fair. Offer was extended.

I'm an overly generous dungeon master who looks forward to killing you to make up for it. So Darkthir, you're back at the top of the turn order. It's on you. Where is the guy now? So the guy phased out and now he's got the one you've been

engaging. His back is against the wall and Dr. Uden and Kweep kind of have it pinned. So if you do any melee attack, you get advantage. I kind of want to cast Fairy Fire on him. Please do. I believe that's a dex saving throw on his part.

Okay. I do that. Do I still get an attack or no? That's going to use up your action. I think you get... Like, if you're not doing a melee attack with your action, you don't also get a sword attack. I think it's only if you're using your sword attack. But I think as a bonus action,

you can still do an offhand with your dagger. It's just not going to do damage. No, I don't want to do that then. I just want to light him up so everybody else can see him. Sure. He just rolled a 2 on his dex save so he is lit up. What color do you want this narwhal? Purple. Sweet. Bright ass purple narwhal all of a sudden

with his back on the wall. He looks like he is starting to panic. You've never seen a ghost piss his pants before but it is... Oh, I have. Get him, everybody. In Austria. He's peeing his little tattered, floaty loincloth that represents

his bottom torso, just sort of in here. Cool. Cool. Well, that's it for me, right? Yeah. I wanted to hear more about this Austrian pissing ghost. Yeah, what did that cost you? It's not Austrian. It cost me the soul of a demon.

Speaking of that TikTok, you're up. Cool. So the one that Darkthor just lit up with fairy fire, I have advantage on that? Yeah. Cool. So I will fire... I'll take my first attack

against that guy. Okay. I don't want that. 20 to hit. That's a hit. Oof. Only five points of damage. Alright, so thank it goes right into his head. I'll do it again.

He's starting to look kind of rough. Cool. I'm trying to pin him to the wall. 26 to hit. Wow. You guys are rolling hot. Same deal. Goddamn, five again. Yep, doesn't kill him, but you just nailed him with two arrows.

Maneuvering-wise, is there a way, when you said that they were flanking that guy, I'd like to maneuver myself such a way, if I can try and get another ghost between, let's say, me and Halcine to give her that flanking. Is that a possibility? Yes. You have enough movement you can get behind the guy that just leapt at Halcine. I would like to do that so that way when it's her turn, she would have an advantage.

Great. Okay. Here's Halcine. Here's the guy about 10 feet in front of her. You've got to use your full movement to go... Now your back is against the wall. I will do that. In the back of my head, I your full movement to go kind of, now your back is against the wall. I will do that. In the back of my head, I'm just going to go,

hey Gus, if you're out there, we're inside this weird boat. Just ping in Gus if he's around. Cool. Do a perception check. Perception check. 23. Gus feels way too far away

so far okay you feel like that was an echo when you did it in your head up next we've got Dr. Uwud Dr. Uwud this guy is pinned in front of you lit up Darkthor just lit him up and you just saw TikTok just pop him with a couple of arrows.

Queeps got him clawed in the face. Okay, I'm going to use my plus five cutlass of lightning. I'm kidding, of course. This is to see if anybody's listening. My connection's very unstable. What is Brian

doing even? Oh, sorry. Are you painting something? Oh, yeah. Are you painting something? Yeah. Oh, cool. He was doing a craft project.

Sorry. You guys, Brian's going to University of Phoenix online for his art history degree. We would like to be respectful. Hey, that's Associate Professor Posehn. Yeah, let him work on his thesis project. Well, that's an Ecto-5. Cool. So I got an 18 to hit.

So with this plus 6 is a 24, right? And then I do 4 points of damage. So it all came together and I blew it at the end. Bad dismount. I didn't carry Strugget.

And that's with the Thorn Whip, correct? That's with the Thorn Whip. Which was one of my favorites with Richard Benjamin. Oh my god. Not with your butter knife of... Yeah, my plus five butter knife of spreading. Sorry, it was

a Richard Chamberlain. Awesome. I don't think I've ever heard you correct yourself with two obscure guys. Yeah, I didn't want to get dragged online for saying Richard Benjamin when I met the other guy, the Thornburgs guy. I was saying Richard Benjamin when I met the other guy, the Thornburgs guy. Man, there's nothing worse than getting dragged online for making a faulty Richard Benjamin reference. Dan, you don't know. You don't know.

I took so much shit from my Marklin Baker chunk. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? I'm all over the Perfect Strangers subreddit. I know what you're talking about. Paul Apprentice hates mysteries. I missed the part where he talked about Richard Benjamin. I'm disappointed. Lots of Sheila. Oh, I did

a Thornburg joke and I said Richard Benjamin instead of Richard Chamberlain and then I corrected myself and then Brian called me out and then I did a joke about dragging. Wait, am I right? Did I just get the right person? You guys are all staring at me blankly. What's happening?

Is Richard Benjamin in? Forget it. Oh, my God. Look, I got excited when we started talking about Marklin Baker. He was the star of Quark. And I went back and watched the first episode of Quark because I thought it was so cool when I was a kid. And, oh, my God, it was unwatchably bad.

Yeah. It was really bad. Not so much. I remember being so excited. Like, oh, my God, a funny Star Trek? And. It was really bad. I remember being so excited. Like, oh my god, a funny Star Trek? And then it was on and I was like, what? Oh shit. I used to do an impression of Andy the Robot.

Halcine, it's been your turn for about half an hour. Well, I wanted to talk about Last of Sheila, which is a great film. Everyone should watch it. The cast of Knives Out had to watch it before they did their performances. Why don't we get to talk about my favorite year, to watch it. The cast of Knives Out had to watch it before they did their performances. Did they? Why don't we get to talk about my favorite year, Marklin Baker's finest

moment. Somebody set my theory off. Okay, so it's my turn. And with that turn, I have fully lost track of what's happening here, which is very unlikely. We're about to start talking about the leftovers. No, I'm sorry.

No, I mean, like, within the hold of this ship. Okay, so... I flanked the ghost that was attacking you to give you advantage. Yes, yes. Okay. Wonderful. Wonderful.

So I'm going to go ahead then and, I guess, continually just Sacred Flame this guy because I don't know what else to do. I mean, I could push him with my oh um is he how close is he to me 10 feet okay and um do i get uh i get advantage because i'm flanked but that doesn't matter if i do it yeah right so um but i think it's still best to do. I have, here's a question I have on my,

on my, uh, sheet. This is from a long time ago though. Sorry to do this. I know we're supposed to be keeping track of this. Maybe somebody else knows magic long knife. Does anyone remember what that is? The Mariska knives.

We got dagger magic. We got a long knife. It's underneath. Blue daggers or something like that? This sucks. I'm sorry to our listeners and to everybody. It's okay. I just should track it better.

It's been like a year, over a year or so. When we first recovered the timeboat, remember we had to fight, this is kind of how we got into it, the bonded tusk. There was we had to fight this is kind of how we got into it the bonded tusk there was a marifca some kind of assassin guy who had special marifca poison knives that we split up i have one of them that's why i have it written down and it came also with a vial of like marifca it's a marifca knife and a vial of poison and then a marifca knife that's magical we had two of. I'm not sure which one you took. Was it long? Because that's the only

modifier I have on. It was. Dan says yes. Okay, so then you have it. So I don't have the info for that knife. We never got the info. We just got we just know that we have them. Okay, so could I just slash with this guy with this knife that I know to be magic? I'd love to see you try.

Sure. And I have advantage because he's flying. Sounds like a challenge. I need that advantage, so everybody keep your fingers crossed. Oh, shit. No, that was very bad. I went from a three to a one, so I got a three then with my advantage.

Okay, yes. You undid the botch at least. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Well, that was fun. Glad that I could weigh in. Now you know you have the knife. I got a magical knife

that is terrible. Yeah, I mean, that's it. That's... Oh, the only thing I was going to say is I was going to move closer, five feet closer to him because when I take the attack action on my turn I can use Shieldmaster Shove to just shove him with my

shield as my bonus action. So why not? Okay. So he gets knocked back five feet or ten feet? It just says to try to shove. So I don't even know what shoving

in that context means. I bet it killed him. I shoved him really hard. Ghost and shoves. If you shove him off a building, it could work. That's what they say about ghosts.

Instead of making an attack roll, you do an athletics check, and it's going to be contested by his strength. Okay, well... Which he has a plus four, too. Oh my god. Somebody take this die away from me.

Forget it. It was a four, so... He rolls a 21, so you attempt to just take your shield and shove him, and he just sort of stares at you as your shield goes baff against his form. His squishy, ghosty ectoplasm. And guess whose turn it is. That ghost.

Mark Lynn Baker. Is he related to Mary Lynn Ricecoff? I'm going to need you to do a Constitution saving throw as he grabs at you again, Halcyon. No, leave me alone. Okay, I'm using a different die this time. That'll... It did not.

That's a five. Okay, so once again, this time he puts his... It did not. That's a five. Okay. So once again, this time he puts his little fin mitt right on your throat. He's going to lift you up off the ground. Oof. This time you're going to take

23 points of psychic damage. No. Oh no. And he kind of throws Halcyon's limp body to the ground. Jesus. Yeah, I'm down, so. Oh, no.

And you just see his body surge with energy as he leeches this life force out of her. That's not good. Let's kill him and get the life force back of her. That's not good. Let's kill him and get the light force back in her. If he drains all of her hit points, he gets additional health

back also. That is happening. It's kind of like how airline points work. Yeah, you know. Okay, so this guy who's pinned against the wall is going to attack Queep. Queep. Queep. He rolls a 24 to hit.

Uh-oh. That is a hit, I'm pretty sure. That's going to be 27 points of piercing damage. Please do a constitution saving throw. Jesus! These fucking assholes. Dan, I think you're rolling the wrong dice.

Nope. So you guys just see this guy, who's lit up, by the way, with bright purple glowing just plant his tusk right in Kweep's breastplate and just kind of shove it through his ribs uh hey Sam

the bird just got skewered by a narwhal oh Terry jumps through a porthole? I love a good chicken skewer, though. Ken, you feel almost as if some sort of

spectral supernatural poison is about to start coursing through your veins as you grab his tusk and yank it out of your aorta, basically. Do I change it? I rolled a 22. Does that affect my damage? Right.

So no, you're not going to take any damage. Oh, okay, good. But if you had failed, it would have been a whole lot of damage. And that's going to bring us to the end of the turn order, and I believe the end of the episode. Oh. Well, wait. Can somebody put a heel on Halcine or no?

Yeah, Halcine can. Yeah. Halcine is unconscious on the ground, and we are at an hour. So, yeah. Alright, well, Dr. Ulaid, when we get back, you can help her, right?

With berries or whatever you're... Well, I'm going to have to call the Rite Aid in this area and see if they're in my network. Now, don't you have some sort of healing, or is Halseen the only one who can heal us? Yeah, sexual healing hit it Jesus well nobody nobody was here to hit it goodness the wrong reference I was supposed to go to like supposed to

get funky and then like lights were supposed to come on what I rehearsed I rehearsed with you guys. Where are you? He's just thinking musicals on record. My whole crew is here behind plastic and we ran this like a dozen times. Anyway, sorry. I didn't mean to explode on camera like that. Sam, can you tell us what happened this episode?

Yeah, let me check my notes Episode 66 Almost no boats today They're inside a boat We're in one Nevermind They're getting more brief Sam has lost all interest in the adventure.

He was out talking to a neighbor from six feet away. He was making pizza rolls. Drinking coffee. I think he's setting healthy boundaries. He's like, I'm the engineer. I'm engineering a lot of shows. I'm not going to write down every goddamn D&D thing. Yeah, I see. I knew this was related.

You walked the dog. You went to Ralph's. He doesn't know a lot about sound engineering, but he did eat at Panda Express last night. Anything Dan, you want to plug? Yeah, if anyone wants to grab my EP on

dantelfer.bandcamp.com it is much appreciated brianpersain.com for updated dates that will probably change also and grandpa metal get your grandpa metal

and Blaine what's going on with you and the Keechinator we're doing one at a time star tours down Mulholland. I drive and Stacy talks. It's a lot of fun. He knows a lot of houses that are a little off the beaten track, and he knows he can tell you some weird stories about the people who live there, not even stars, but just old neighbors of his.

Oh. Sounds great. It's fantastic. And it's worth the $10. Alright. Anything else? Can I say it's the last week of my Kickstarter. If you haven't already, check it out. It's called

The Devil's City. It is a Cthulhu-based D&D 5e rules. If you know D&D 5e, you can play this. And it's set in Chicago at the turn of the century. You get to fight H.H. Holmes and go through his murder castle.

And then there's other fun stuff as well. And check it out. It's on Kickstarter. It's called The Devil's City. That sounds awesome. Thanks. Excellent. Anything else? No. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh

send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening.