Nerd Poker - Episode 67 - Slimy Slayer's Soliloquy

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

The Ice Five continue to slip around in the slime and complete their showdown with the phantasmal narwhal creatures, with Halcyne's life still in the balance. Strange whispers from the monstrosities confuse them, and they contemplate what it would mean to go deeper below deck. Also, more eyeballs.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Clay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everyone.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 67, quarantine edition. My friends are here. Hello, Dan. Hello, Dan. Hello, Brian. Ken. I have something in my eye. I saw.

Chris. Hi, I have something in my heart. Oh, I don't. Sarah. Hello. Hi. Blame. Brian, you have something on your face. My eyes. hello hi blame Ryan you have something on your face

my eyes oh and upper left corner as always Sam hi everybody hey wait the Dan

I got Dan went first this time. I'll have the order. Yeah, my order's on the stove. I've never gone first before, and I did find it a little upsetting. I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you for saying you're sorry. We're all very fragile right now.

But you know what? I've bounced back, and I'm ready to thank some Patreon supporters. Yeah. Here we go. I want to thank folks who support this podcast, folks who go by names like Waka Willis. Thanks, Waka. Thank you.

Thanks, Bullstalion. Thanks, Bull. Thank you. Thank you, BlaineGoesTo11. That is true. Thank you, Sarah Gazzardo's long awaited Paladino's visit Paladino's is gonna close

because of it anyway oh so many live venues uh Paladino's will never close because it lives mostly in our lives thank you also Zen Smoke thank you Panthro's Bulge mostly in our lives. Thank you also Zen Smoke. Thank you Panthro's Bulge.

No thank you Panthro's Bulge. That's like an old school triple adjacent Skeletor's Dick reference, I think. That's like the Hydrox of Skeletor's Dicks. We're going to be fighting that next episode. You could get Panthther's bulge technically before

you could even get skeletor stick my I had an aunt that had it and she had to get her foot amputated people forget panther's bulge is a symptom of a greater problem thank you know nothing bozo the wonder no I'm sorry know nothing bozo the non

wonder dog thank you at least he's honest thanks green eyes thanks Jimmy Davis thanks Jimmy thank you Omicron the raging weenus right thank you James

DTJ which of course means James down to Jif the peanut butter thank you 37 babies thanks killed them all course means james down to jif the peanut butter thank you 37 babies wayne killed them all people forget that yeah the one of our patreon supporters is just 37 babies in a coat thank you jonathan meyer thank you fint the druid, thanks WildGarlic, and thank you TimeBoats Boatscroat. Thank you. And, hey, Blaine.

Yeah. TimeBoats Boatscroat needs a little more. Like, we should all clap. Dan, give it to us again. TimeBoats Boatscroat. Oh, I guess I won't give it to us again.

Never mind. Brian, you're I won't give it to us again. Never mind. Brian, you're taking over the Patreon announcements for now. I'm going to send you the Google spreadsheet. If you could start updating that, that would be great. It's really fun to update. You like spreadsheets. That's why you got into comedy. I love them.

Ladies and gentlemen. I'm hanging my Tinder profile. First of all, I'm going to text melanie and tell her you have a tinder profile second of all time boats boat scrote everybody i like how chris was kind of like looking, like preoccupied with like a Dr. Pepper or something when he did that. I'm organizing my dice, Dan. I have to be ready to roll. That's upsetting because then I had like a visual image of a t-shirt cannon,

but what was it sending out into the crowd for Time Boats Boats Grow? It drives by your house and shoots it into your yard. And you get it later with some tongs. Beanbags. I just wanted to see who timeboatsboatsgrow was brought to us by, Blaine. Oh, timeboatsboatsgrow was brought to us by Gif Peanut Butter and Creamy

and Crunchy. It's pronounced Gif. Gif Peanut Butter. Oh, that's going to make a lot of our listeners upset. I personally pronounce it Jff but i'm just it's our sponsor damn oh yeah in my fucking face it's actually it's pronounced heath oh my god i have to confront some inherent racism with the way i pronounce it i've i've been confronted. Thank you, Blaine.

Because, of course, it stands for graphics interface. All right. Folks, it is time for us to discuss what happened last time on NerdPoker. First of all,

Chris Tallman made a real upset face when I started doing this voice today. Oh, I always do that with the narrator. The narrator's always mean to us. Oh, the narrator is not putting five bucks on

TikTok surviving this adventure. Wow. He's just going to go ahead and put that out to the world. So anyways, y'alls, the Ice Five have engaged some phantasmal narwhals of the Path of the Vaunted Tusk beneath the decks that they burned open upon Queen Dratlana's boat.

Oddly enough, Queen Dratlana's boat was sort of left taxiing, double parked outside of the Thixit Clan's docks. You guys spent like eight hours trying to break in. That was real fucking funny. And then you interrupted some chats upstairs and you came down here found some drow guts and you've been engaged

in this battle for quite some time. Helsene lies unconscious on the ground. One of the phantasmal narwhals seems to be shimmering with power after draining her life force, and Queep just done got skewered

like some chicken satay at your favorite Thai restaurant. And now, back to the action. We're at the top of the turn order, folks, and we are, or at least I am, attempting to use roll 20 I can already tell

that Ken is cheating and has moved his token across the map for some reason I was just trying to move it I was seeing what happens cool can I move it back you sure did it's just like real life where everybody grabs their mini and just fucking makes them dance around and infuriates

me these are toys right we're not supposed to keep track of where they are uh no i cry in my pedantic voice so uh the the way we are right now yeah queep you just got skewered by the guy right in front of you now you did kick in him with your fancy air coker claws and your claws count as a magical weapon. If you recall, because you're wearing magical goddamn boots.

Yeah. So that's funsies. Uh, we're going back to the top of the turn order with dark through dark through, uh, you helped sort of execute one of these guys last episode and he dissipated after, uh,

being executed as such. there's now one guy that queep and dr ued are double teaming and then you sort of see behind you there's a shimmering guy who's facing down tiktok after having eviscerated halseen yeah who uh who needs the most help? It looks like TikTok. Well, one of your teammates is down unconscious and dying on the ground. That might be the one who's in the most trouble, yeah. Right, but I can't give her help. But can TikTok, if I help,

attack the guy that he's fighting? Yeah, that would definitely be of some assistance okay cool i uh i run over to him with my um my sword is the only thing that's uh magical right yeah your dagger has proven ineffective on these guys okay so i'll take a slice cool uh just a reminder you've got some stuff you can do like give uh an extra attack action a dodge action or a dash action when your teammates once per round okay i'll give uh what would be most helpful for tiktok what would help you most so you can help uh hal seen probably attack i don't have any healing

stuff my my thought is dr uid does but he's engaged so my thought is let's kill these fuckers as fast as possible okay and then you can give her some berries okay if i had a potion i could give it to her but i don't okay are you looking at the map brian are you looking at like the where your guy is so if you want you can you can put them where you at the map, Brian? Are you looking at where your guy is? If you want, you can put him where you want. I can't really understand the map. Okay. Well, hopefully we can... Are those our icons?

Uh-huh. Okay. Yep. All crowded because it's got the turn order on top of it and shit. You can click the turn order and drag it away. Oh, my God. He's right. It just gets bigger. of it and shit. You can click the turn order and drag it away. Oh my god! He's right! It just gets bigger.

Well, if you click it too much, it will get excited and grow. So just sort of like... Here we go. If you want, I can move Darkthor's token, but I think it will help if you click him. Right now, you're right by the cargo shaft. Yeah.

Definitely don't click the shaft or that will get excited, but you can move to the right to get closer to the guy who's over by TikTok. Which guy am I? You are this guy with the purple hair. I'm pinging him, so a little ring appears around him.

Oh. You're like a lavender aquaman. Perfect. Brianrian you did it wow this is stupid cool thanks i paid money for it and we said who they are on the microphone so i'm kidding uh sweet so um doing things what you want to do from here buddy stab great roll the stab my wife came in with some little mini pancakes and they look like they have little faces on them

pretty cute now I don't want to eat them because it my pancakes too much my botch was brought to you by Blaine's just pretty cute now i don't want to eat them because like i love it horrifies my pancakes too much uh my botch was brought to you by uh blaine's just uh oh no pancake story well my friend will you please roll what they call a percentile dice aka a 100 yeah man may i ask a pertinent question because i am on the other side of said thing would Darkthor get to roll with advantage

and therefore maybe this critical fail may not happen he does indeed Chris Tallman I'd hate for Darkthor to cut off his foot I wouldn't 22 much better that 22 much better that is much better

19 plus 3 that's a hit yeah so long sword is it my long sword or is it a different sword it's a runic sword.

So your runic sword it's like a longsword but it has an additional plus one bonus to attack and damage rolls. You ever notice that runy sword you had? The sword you used to pull out at the end of every episode is 60

minutes. You got plus three against kobolds and halflings, but it was useless against large opponents. What's the point of even having a magic sword? It's not magic against large opponents. Anyway. Wow. I got the best around Around 8 plus 2.

Nice. Cool. So yeah, you go ahead and plunge it into this guy and yeah, you tear away just sort of spectral narwhal meat as you pull your sword out. I believe you get another attack. Cool. Spectral narwhal meat. I saw them with Neutral Milk Hotel.

Hey! From the Elephant 6 Collective. One of the Elephant 6 Collective bands. Apples and Stereo, by the way. Patreon name. 16 plus 3. That is a hit. 19 hit.

37. that is a hit 37 37 yeah one plus two oh do you want me to do that math for you yeah all right well it's still it's uh still uh some damage as you carve into them far less narwhal meat the the meat industry of cloddenheim is not benefiting from that particular attack all right there's a couple of good uh hits there dargther but this guy just

sort of drained the life from halcyon and he's not looking to hurt uh so he kind of just sort of drained the life from halcyon and he's not looking too hurt uh so he kind of just sort of sneers at you he's looking like you have his full attention that's dr we need help over here when you get a chance he's coming up in two up next we got tiktok now am i am i the recipient of his magical attack? It sounds like it. Hmm? Okay. So it looks like I'm in melee with this guy, and I can only use magical weapons, right? Yeah, I mean, you can still try to use a magical ranged weapon if you have one, but... I do, but I feel like that would be bad, right?

It would be better off if I have... Because the one magical weapon i do have is i have one of those i don't know if it's magical i have that marifka dagger that we had i think discussed an episode or two ago i have one of those it does seem to have special properties you're not sure if it's magical so yeah so my thought is i should swing with that okay okay roll to attack my friend rolling to attack, my friend. Rolling to attack. Same deal with advantage because of the flanking and such.

Flanking and such. 17 plus whatever the Marifka bonus would be. If it's just a regular dagger, it would be plus 7. So 24 to hit. And then I have the damage, it would be plus seven. So 14 to hit, uh,

24 to hit. And then I have it, the damage is a D four plus four. Does that sound right to you, sir? Yes. Copy. Uh,

it, it is going to hit. So go ahead and roll, roll your regular damage. Uh, one plus four, five. Okay.

Uh, so you do get some damage. It seems like this dagger might do some additional kind of damage that this guy's immune to but you do hit him and uh yeah he snarls as again phantasmal narwhal meets just flying all around we're making you into a beach sandwich pal it's like regular upton sinclair's the jungle narwhal edition oh boy Upton Sinclair's The Jungle Narwhal edition. Oh boy.

So is this now my regular turn? Yes, boss. Okay, so I'll do the same thing with said dagger swing. 11 plus... What did I say that was? 18 to hit. That is a hit. That is

a hit. Damage is 3 plus 4, 7. Alright. And I'll go one last time. 15. 22 to hit. That's another hit. And the damage is 3 plus 4, 7.

Nice. So I'm just chop, chop, chop away with this axe. And I'm like, you stay away from my friend! Fuckhead. Yeah. Cool. Well, after that, yeah, he turns to you and just says,

Traitors! Plural. Not me, traitor. All of us traitors? Or all the Warforged? Guys, we're getting some lore. Hang on. What do you mean?

Do a persuasion check. Oh, not good at those. It's going to be very high DC because you are actively carving him. Yep. That's a 10, Dan. score he hisses all right and that'll bring us to dr uh drew hugh ouid hi uh i'm going to uh i'm going to continue with the thorn whip and continue to thorn whip my celestial narwhal. That's what I'm engaged with, right?

One of the narwhals? Yep. Reminder, teammate down. Oh, I thought we were going to finish these guys off and then deal with everybody. Who's the teammate down? Halcine. Halcine.

Sarah, no one knows you're dead. Sorry, sorry. I was trying to, because I was thinking, I didn't know if TikTok had just had a thing happen. So I would have to move over to Halcine, right?

Yes. You would. I'll move over to Halcine and do a Cure Wounds. Okay. Because I don't think think i don't have a i think i used goodberry not too long ago so i don't have that you are not quite uh within running range you can get close okay how about moonwalking range can i at least put a little style in this uh are you in the map right now i'll show you how close you can get the map's really easy blaine you should try it okay okay i see i never said it was easy

but you said it was hard i'm not making fun of you i'm the guy that now did it once and he's like talking about it i'm oh okay sure myself not sure now did it once and he's like cocky about it. Oh, okay, sure. It's not cool to be smart if our president has taught us anything. Yeah. All right, so yeah, Blaine, if you're in there, this is how far you can go.

That's the 30 feet you get. Okay. Okay. I'll start heading over there. Great. Do you want to go to the like like here yes this is as close as i can get to halsey do you want to try clicking and dragging your own goddamn token see what happens like that oh i love it oh it makes me feel so good uh cool thank you sir and you're now going to take an opportunity attack as the narwhal swings

at you as you run past him. No, he gets to attack you, Blaine. Oh, he does? Yes. Okay. Even if he's flanked? Yeah. Okay. He's checking.

Narwhally. You just say Narwhally? Yeah, like gnarly. Like Spicoli would say it if he played in D&D. 16 to hit. What's your armor class there, Blaine? My armor class is 13. Ooh, so that's going to be a hit.

Boo. He hits you for... Son of a bitch. You take... 13 points of piercing damage. Okay. As he sort of slashes across your back with his tusk. Okay.

All right. I'm not pleased. Are you going to... So right now, I think... Are you going to do anything else with your turn you are not really close enough to hit the dude over here um if you have cure wounds do you is cure wounds like a ranged thing no i have to uh it's a hands laying thing like a chiropractic. Oh, that's not a real science. Um,

it has no place in dungeons of dragons. You're right. It says range, range touch. Uh, cool. Uh, so that's your turn up next.

We've got how seen, please do a death saving throw for us. You got this. I believe this is your first. I failed it. All right. So that's one failed death saving throw. It's a race to best of five.

And then we have this guy who drained her life is going to attack Dargther. Cheap shot. Uh, and then we have this guy who drained her life is going to attack dark. Sir. Cheap shot. Or is he? Yeah. Okay. He's going to drain my wife.

Um, dark. There, please do a constitution saving throw constitution I'll tell you who doesn't know constitution congress yeah I heard that loud and clear Dan over

that's gonna be an 8 plus 2 Dan okie dokie you are going to take so he grabs you by the throat with his creepy fin hands.

You take... Oh, that's not bad for all that. You take 17 points of damage. To your outfit. As he drains life force from your throat. Your throat force. Yeah, you know.

That's the worst part of the force. Your throat force that's the worst part of the force your throat force we're recording this on May 2nd and let me just say may the throat force be with you he is going to end his turn and it's the next guy's turn who is going to attack Queep

at this point he also starts chanting is going to end his turn, and it's the next guy's turn, who is going to attack Queep. Aww. At this point, he also starts chanting traitor at you. Whatever. 19 to hit. Yeah. 16. Doing.

All right. So you're gonna take well that's not too shabby 417 points oh only 17 points of piercing damage uh huh only off by a four.

And then he is going to attempt to run. So you get an opportunity attack on him as he is going to flee up here. I'm looking if I have resistance to piercing. Oh, no, I'm not. Never mind.

I'm not raging. You're not raging? I could have sworn you were raging. Was I? Okay. Then we have resistance to piercing. I think we need to say you did multiple attacks per round, right? You would have raged.

Yeah, you're right. So have that damage, please. Okay. Thank you for remembering, though, Ken. I'm thanking myself for remembering. And then please, of course, roll your opportunity attack. Right. Ken, you should hit him with your knife of murder

gonna hit him with my foot holy shit did you guys see the murder hornets murder hornets oh boy yeah they came over here with those yellow jackets to fuck your sister it really does feel like the killer bees thing.

It just got rebranded. So that is 25. Oh, that sure is a hit. Oh, your damage. What is my damage with these

things again I remember I know Talons are one deep four plus three I'm trying to find that Ken what's your damage what's your damage Heather I'm trying to find your unarmed strike. Well, this is those shoes. Right. Super shoes! It's in my book, but my book's... I mean, I can use my talent. I think it's just the talent strike damage. Okay, all right.

And that is... Okay. Oh, the next America's Got Talons. Seven. You say seven? I said seven. Thank you, seven. He's looking terrible as you

kick your birdie claws across his back. He doesn't die, but he... Good, fucking asshole. Traitor of this. Oh, can we get a fucking asshole call responded and beautiful just like your

bird heritage thank you it's a call and response for a mate to all of a sudden beautiful Eric Oaker woman comes in and we hear you must sudden, a beautiful Eric Oker woman comes in, and we hear, you must have been a beautiful baby. Don't do it. It's a rabbit and drag. Auga. Rabbit and drag.

Rabbit and drag. We're killing with a certain demo, you guys. It's your actual turn, Queep. 97-year-olds. Oh, okay uh is he in range still where'd he go i'm sorry no he's he's up here now he's gone all right i'm

gonna come over and join this party hey would you rather fight a 97 year old or 97 year olds i'll take either um do you want to be like in the same space as Darkthirst you can attack this dude I want to be where I can be to attack but I don't know

how far I can move you can squeeze in there oh nice and I claw him as well go for it okay Claw him as well. Go for it. Okay. Fifteen. That is a miss.

Dang. You are raging, however, so you get another attack. Oh. Eleven. Wow, that sure isn't a hit great nice alright up next we have

Darkthor is he still attacking TikTok and all that he attacked you last and he drained some of your life force, so he's doing all right. Cool, so I stab. I wish you would. Please vote to do that.

You stab? Stab, and I have an advantage. You stab. I stab for stab. I wish you wouldn't do that, but please stab. Stab in the face on a boat. Now face West face on a boat.

What is it? A go bot. It's a, it's one of the best Billy Wilder movies. If you've never seen it facing a boat, it's Andy Griffith. It's a, you just,

you gotta watch it. I'm not gonna say anything about it. Just watch. Patricia Heaton is wonderful. 21. Oh, that's a hit. Yeah. Hey, Brian, what's your damage? Brian, Brian rolling damage is brought to you by Jerry's ice cream. Ben died.

Oh, does it say that on the carton? What's a real shame is, is don't forget Jerry and his feelings in this time of need. Don't forget Jerry. Ben died ice cream. I'm sorry, Brian. Brian, we were having too much fun talking about ice cream death,

and I talked over you. Can you say it one more time? Okay, seven. Thank you, seven. That's going to knock him back down a little bit. He's still looking pretty beefy. Do you want to roll your other attack? Yeah. Oh, nice.

Nice. That's like 26. That's very much a hit. Roll your damage. Boss. Six. Another six. Slashing. Great.

All right, so you knock another six hit points off of him, and he just sort of smiles at you with big like rows of teeth he smiles at us yeah he's you think these guys are up to something for sure i don't like them i don't like them and this particular guy's drained a couple life force uh rounds he's got a fair amount of hit points um and apparently we're traitors yep tick tock you're up um i'm concerned about the guy running away to the door but if i physically go after him tuscoko will get an opportunity attack, yeah? He sure will.

And his name is Tusko. Thank you for noticing. Oh, it is? Oh, cool. And it's his birthday next week. Oh! I'm going to... Instead of attacking the guy I'm in melee with,

I'm going to draw my bow and fire a couple shots at the guy who's fleeing. So does that make sense? It sure does. Cool. I just want to make sure I'm not messing that up. Alright, so this is rolling to attack with and I'm making the arrow magic. All that

jazz. Okay, long bow. 26 to hit. That's very much a hit. Okay, I'm going to do D8 plus four. So it's eight plus four, 12 damage to that guy. And then I'm going to make this another arcane shot.

I'm going to make this make it a bursting arrow. So he takes another 2d6 of force damage okay it was like the grenade arrow basically what was the original damage again it was 12 and so this is an additional 9

fuck describe for me the cinematic death of this narwhal ghost I see him making a break for the door and I go, oh, no, no, no, no. The party's still going. And so I launched the arrow and I want it to sort of explode at his feet and launch him up and smash him into the ceiling. And he crushes him and he falls back down dead. Oh, sweet.

And yeah, the little chunks just sort of start dripping down. They're stuck to the ceiling and he crushes him and he falls back down dead oh sweet and yeah the little chunks just sort of start dripping down off that they're stuck to the ceiling now i have one more attack am i that was i just want to really quickly point out that was like one of the most evil death lines tiktok has oh the party is still going that was some creepy shit no you do have a bathroom is the third door on the right we're traitors um can i switch to the dagger and then go back into melee with this dude in front of me yeah yes you can okay so this would be then with advantage yes right okay mission uh 16 uh 23 to hit that's a hit and that's a one plus so five damage with the marifka dagger okay just kind of nixon uh he's still sort of like looking away from you and grinning like he just kind of shrugs off your your stab when you say he's grinning and he's looking away

is he looking at something we can't see i will let you choose either a perception or an insight you'll get a different answer for either but uh go ahead and roll uh let me see what i'm but I'll roll. We'll do perception. Okay. 24 perception. Oh, yeah. He's sort of angling his head down towards Halcyon on the ground.

Is there extra feeding going on? That would have been, if you'd rolled inside, I might answer a question like that. Alright, well, I'll shout that out to them. He's doing something to her. We gotta fix her.

Dr. Uy, you're up. I'm a doctor. I'm going to run over and I'm going to a la peanut butter sandwiches on Halcine and do a cure wounds. Okay, scoot your token over, won't you? I keep forgetting about the token scooting.

Is it what, this? Beautiful. Alright. You're on top of her. That is 11. All right. Halcine, you are up to 11 hit points. Is she...

Do you feel... Are you freaked out? Do you feel like something is biting you or something, or what? Well, first of all, if I'm in death saves, if I get healed, don't you get healed to one, or do you Well, first of all, if I'm in death saves, don't I just... Don't you get healed to one or do you get healed right back all the way up? I thought you got healed up. Let me double check.

If he heals you, he brings you up to that number. If you finish your death saves, I think then you would come back up to one. Correct. Okay. Alright. Cool. I like how you keep wanting to die though that's fun yeah well uh you dr you can use the rest of your uh movement to help her up if you want yeah i feel like uh i feel like off of i mean i wouldn't know that I feel like off of... I mean, I wouldn't know that

TikTok is onto something as far as her being fed on or whatever, but I'm going to try to get her up. I shouted that out. Okay, then I'm going to just get her up and pull her away from where she was. Okay.

Show me where you want her. I scooted you away a little bit. Where do you want to put... Can I just remind everybody everybody something before that just you guys just so you know you can stabilize you have to roll to do it but you can try to stabilize someone who is who is going through death saving throws so like you don't have to heal you don't have to heal you can stop that you won't be able to get them isn't that right dan like they can roll a medicine check or whatever to try to exactly do first aid so that they don't bleed out yeah i let you do a medicine check i unless it's a like the medicine check gets harder if they're like

grievously wounded somehow but for the most part it's usually a 10 you just have to beat a 10 on a medicine check uh if if like they lost a limb or something it's going to be harder hello again everyone where do you want to put Halcyon oh uh he wants to pull you away stuff things uh yeah I just want to kind of make can I get her like down

here someplace sorry if you hold down a click, you can do that. You can put her down there if you want. Like behind Darkthor? Yeah, just out of range of what he's fighting too. Okay. And I won't make her take an opportunity attack because you're the one pulling her.

And he already got an opportunity attack. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to pull her down here at least. Behind Darkthir. Okay. I can put Sarah there.

And I'll be between Darkthir and her. Sorry. Oh, gotcha. So you want to do like that. Yeah, yeah. Perfect. Ooh, interesting. Alright, so Sarah, he kind of scooted you behind him and Darkthor when he got you up.

Mm-hmm. And it'll be your turn. Uh, okay. Um, okay um and so this guy's pissed uh clearly he was gonna do something he's not doing it anymore it doesn't how seem to seem like he was actively like feeding on you or something whatever their theory was it doesn't seem to track with how you feel right now. But you do see him sneering at you and tracking you with his eyes as you get pulled away.

Maybe he was just going to gore you while you were down. Alright, well, I guess there's again not much I can do, but I will sacred flame him, I guess, again. Yeah! Go for it. Reduce all the fat out of his meat.

Dexterity saving throw. All right. Wow. I think it's going to be this roll right here. Eight. Okay. So he's going to take. Eight. Okay. So, he's going to take

12 points of damage. Awesome. Awesome. That hurt him. Is that it for your turn? Yeah yeah that'll take us to him he is going to make a break for it himself so three of you can take attacks of opportunity on him but he's a little beefy so Darkthor

TikTok and Queep I'll get attacks of opportunity well no actually it's yeah Queep you actually took one this round already so you actually don't but Darkthor and TikTok can cool Darkthor you want to go first

yeah 20 that's a hit Cool. Darth, do you want to go first? Yeah. 20. That's a hit. Cool. Brian's hit brought to you by Bartles Wine Coolers. James died. 11.

Awesome. Yeah yeah so you rake him across the back and he's not enjoying it as he howls angrily tick tock 24 to hit that's a hit okay rolling d4

ooh now I rolled a 4 the thing I wrote down about these marifka daggers is you rolled a D4 poison damage. If four is rolled, you continue rolling damage until you roll a different number. Yes. Okay. So right now it's four. Another four. A three.

So four, four, eight, three, 11, plus 4, 15 points, including some sweet-ass Marifka poison. How do you want to see this guy go down? And I'm like, oh, oh, oh, party's still going. And I'll just hold out the dagger and just let his momentum running his escape seal his fate. And he just cuts himself wide open on the Marifka dagger. Yeah, and you know, his ectoplasm just sort of

starts to mix with the slime on the floor. Oh! I thought they smelled bad on the outside. Did I get slimed? A little bit. You got slimed a little bit, Venkman. How do you feel?

Hungry? I forget to laugh. Now, Halcine, are you okay? I mean, as well as can be expected. Why do you ask? Well, he was just looking at you

and I was worried he was talking to your soul or making it a salad or something. I mean, if he did, I don't remember it. So you didn't have any visions or anything? No, just sweet blackness. Wow. Right, Dan? Yep. Just a sweet embrace of nothing.

Yeah. They're all reading way into him just getting ready ready to take you out i don't know these guys are magic i don't know fair were they were they all running towards the same door yes they were heading towards the door that you guys peeked through that seemed to have magical darkness in it and why were they saying traitor did you guys speak while i was unconscious figure that out no one did why doesn't everybody roll an insight check? What was this? Insight. Does anyone have a number?

12. Yes. 18. 11. 18. What else? 24. Ooh. Shit. 17. Well, now that I know how um whatchamacallit works. Proficiency. it 17 well now that i know how um what you would call it works proficiency

what'd you get tiktok 12 okay so you're just like i won't even tell them why i said i said there was a bunch of over talk sorry oh okay well yeah over talk's weird because i think what's interesting is with us uh doing another sound layer listeners hit a lot of things that overtalk does cut out for us uh so dark through with your 18 you do get a weird kind of like i i don't know why these guys would call us traitors um but creep you're you start thinking about it and um it seems like it might be tied to you attacking them. They didn't attack you first. Well, wait, here on this boat? Correct.

That's not the way I remember it. Yeah, it was like the eyes popped up when we tried to talk to the eyes or whatever right and then when you guys noticed these guys were hanging out kind of spying on you tiktok just loosed some arrows on them oh that's right traitors well at any rate are they all dead but they're with manzikorian yep well they were talking to him one of them was talking to him yeah you don't know they're with him you didn't hear what they said you just saw there was one of them on the deck sort of having some sort of exchange while manzikorian was sort of using this book as a reference but i'm saying this to the group but traitors means from their perspective we're not strangers we're allies

so the Tusk folk on this boat think we are their allies and that we have betrayed them which means they're allied with the mother brain and they're just the mother brain's guards does that sound right

because who else are we aligned with that would think hey you fucker right the free people of Bozor that's about it maybe we should try to talk to some of them they're all dead they're all dead oh how'd that happen

no but there's somebody hanging out in the smoky room. They were running to something. Yeah. All right. We could, in theory, try and parlay with whoever's hiding inside magic smoke. Maybe let's try a chatty chat. Yeah. You gonna pop that door open again?

Mm-hmm. Maybe talk before we pop it open like start the kind because if I was them wouldn't you just be waiting for that fucking thing to open to unleash hell so maybe we try and white flag it before

sure we misunderstood the situation sorry about the multiple deaths You see an eyeball Open up on the ground Sort of stare We didn't get it Can you explain to us what's going on

Because we're very confused We're just trying to defend ourselves It blinks You just look all so powerful And threatening to us what's going on because we're very confused. We're just trying to defend ourselves. It blinks. You just look all so powerful and threatening. Wait, blinks means something. Remember? Yeah, we did this before. Yeah.

Hey, are you using Halseans 1 for yes and 2 for no? It blinks twice. 2 for no. You're not using Halseans 1 for yes, two for no, which you have answered by using the code. Copy. Oh, Christ.

Another eyeball opens up on the other side of you guys. So now they're coming out of the floor. There are these sort of slimy little eye stalks. It looks like the eye is made of just sort of denser slime. It's not incredibly solid. It's very the eye is made of just sort of denser slime. It's not incredibly solid. It's very liquefied looking and it's, the whole thing is only like a couple of inches out of the

ground. And the first one appeared to you guys on the right as you were approaching the door. Then the next one on the left. So if you guys are approaching the door, I'm going to go ahead and scoot you around on the map and show you what I would think this would look like based on previous movements. Dan scooting the stuff around brought to you by Bartles and Jerry's Wine Cream.

Ben and James died. Oh, boy. So naturally, they made wine cream. Wine cream. So naturally they made wine cream. Wine cream. And hey, you know what? There's nothing cooler than that.

If ever there was a time for wine cream. Oh man, on those hot summer nights, nothing like a throat full of wine cream. Oh boy. Double cone of grappa.

There are now eyes on the map, so you can see where the eyes are. Oh, my God in heaven. Ew. Oh, Dan, no. Yes. Hey, is the boat... I'm going to ask the boat eyes.

Are you all one creature? It goes the one on the left goes blink blink. So no. Are you left eye and then I point to the right eye the same as this guy? Are you guys, are you the same?

Can you just shake your eye or nod your eye? That would help. They don't respond. Do you know the mother brain? Oh, sorry. No, go, go, go, go, go. Do you know the mother brain? She's stuck in here and she wants pancakes.

She smells pancakes. Mavis wants pancakes. Check out Mavis's ass. That was a weird... Okay. Do I have to look at Ken's ass now? You wanted us to look at Mavis and Mavis was facing away from us and it just

felt like I was being asked to do something untoward. The eyeballs don't seem to be really responding to you. Well, can you talk to the guys inside? The guys inside. I'm pointing to the room. Hey, left eye, can you talk to everybody else in TLC?

Yeah, it seems like they consider you scrubs and they're not really responding. All right. Let's just yell into the room and then try to get into that room where they went. Yeah. They're heading towards, sure. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. So you crack it open a little bit? Mm-hmm. Hey, if the mother brain's in there, we're the Ice Five. We're trying to be friends here, and I think we royally fucked it. We're deeply confused.

As per usual. Please forgive us. Hey, TikTok, do a persuasion check. Damn, I'm no good at those. All you do is advantage. Halcine's helping you out, clearly. Oh, I wish Halcine would roll it. All right, what am I doing? Persuasion?

Yeah, you talk first. Yeah. Oh my god! Double ones! Both of the eyeballs descend and disappear out of the slime. I'm gonna go stand in the back. However, you do kind of like look for a second now that you've been yelling. It doesn't seem dark in this room anymore. Oh, my God.

I go in the room. I can't take this anymore. We've been stuck in a room for like three hours. Yeah, I go in the room. There are two drows hanging by their neck on meat hooks. Otherwise, the room is empty. There is another door to the north. Do they look...

They're original drows from the boat? Like, Dretlana's drows? Yes. Fresh? They look like they were killed within the last week or so, but it's hard to tell. The room is very cold.

Yeah. They look like they were killed within the last week or so, but it's hard to tell. The room is very cold. Yeah, they're definitely your mom's sort of henchmen. Okay, keep going then. Follow the darkness wherever it went. Okay. Hey, Sam, how we doing on time? Great. Yeah, there's another door to the north. Are you going to just crack that sucker open okay uh once you open this door you guys see a very large room again not unlike the

war room that you were just in which you knew was a war room there was because there's like maps kind of smashed up in the corner the layout kind of hinted at it uh but you also this time see a little more furniture there's some plush chairs some small tables it looks like it's an entertaining room there's a small uh wet bar there are bottles of whiskey but there's still slime all over the floor. The room looks like it has definitely been sort of slimed. There's nobody in it that you can see. There is also one very dimly lit oil lamp sitting on a shelf. So there's a little bit of light in this room and there's one door in the middle of the north wall uh dargther please uh roll an

insight check dargther this is where your mom got down well down well this is like her sexy room, right? Unfortunately, a seven. Four plus three. Four plus three, seven. So, yeah, you don't know what the purpose of this room is, but you do feel like you're getting closer to your mom's private quarters. Okay.

Keep going. Okay. Keep going. Is there stuff to look at in the room? Yeah, I mean, there's shelves, cabinets, the tables have little drawers in them. It's got a lot of furniture in it. It looks like it was made to

entertain anywhere from a couple to like 20 people easily. Are there any maps or anything sort of in view like on a table or on a wall or anything like that? How's about everyone does an investigation check? Yeah. Alright then. Loot the room.

18. Do I get another one or no? Yeah, well you didn't do an investigation last time. This is an investigation. 20. This is an investigation. 20. Hot damn. 21. Triple damn.

Ew. Oh. Queep, you decide to preen your feathers. It's a low roll also. Okay. You also decide to preen Queep's feathers. Sarah, what did you get i didn't hear for some reason oh okay uh three high numbers though so yeah sarah you are to start going through the little drawers on the tables and you find about 20 golds worth of just regular jewelry um you know a lot of it is sterling silver or actual gold ken just put a toy eyeball up to his camera and scared the shit out of me for a second

uh it just cut to him and i was like uh yeah but you find you find a fair amount of just jewelry looking around the room uh tiktok you find some expensive alcohol you guys actually still i think have some alcohol you got from the baron some 10 years ago uh in your bags but you find and now uh brian is putting a squishy toy up to the camera and it didn't scare the shit out of these much because it's pretty cute um but you uh chris you find a bottle of scotch and a bottle of this sort of mysterious thing you feel like you could sell these bottles for a fair bit amount of money or get hammered off of them okay scotch and then just another bottle of something yeah which is like a green fluid it's got a very rustic kind of home brew look to it and you feel like it might be vaunted tusk type booze okay uh but there's also

just a lot of cheap alcohol that all you guys sort of find just looking around uh it looks like this is a drinking room of some kind uh dr uid yes uh you find sort of in a pile in the corner uh there's like some rags some oily rags and you're wondering if this like they're gonna start a fire in here or anything but uh sort of like after you root around in the pile a little bit uh you find what looks like like really nice velvet and you start looking at the rags and they're they're actually uh although they look oily like they were going to be set on fire or something uh they're sort of like a really nice nautical kind of swashbuckler outfit that has been trashed. Wow. You feel like it could be cleaned up

and look like this sort of like purple velvet nice outfit. That's what I graduated in. And on that note, with Mysterious Door to the North, we're going to end that episode. Hey, Samuel Kiefer.

Hi, guys. Would you like to tell us what you think happened today? Guys, a lot of stuff happened today. There's a lot of TikTok killing ghosts and eyeballs, but most importantly, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfeld are alive and well. Yeah, true. It's very true.

Thank God. It's all a joke. All in good fun, you guys. Everybody's alive. Well. Although, did you guys know that Jerry has severe anemosa, a lack, he has no smell or taste? Oh, wow.

How's he making new flavors? He said it relies on mouth feel. Ew. Yeah. I hate mouth feel. I've heard that phrase before, and it is one of my least favorite phrases. So gross.

Oh, boy. Well, thanks, everybody. I want to plug really quick. I put an album out this last week. It's on Bandcamp, dantelford.bandcamp.com. Ken, I saw you bought it.

Thank you, buddy. Yay. It's from a show I did in Portland last year. It's 20 minutes of unreleased material previously. Help, help me buy a new pair of shoes for daddy, new pair of shoes for daddy with your bandcamp dollars.

Anyone else got stuff? Rhymescene.com for tour dates that may never happen. And what else? Ramp of Metal, purchase, listen. There's a new video for Satan is Kind of a Dick, the lyric video, if you couldn't understand the lyrics just from listening to it. And then

I'm on Celebrity Worst Cooks on the 10th of May on the Food Network. As a judge? No, I'm a celebrity and also a worst cook.

What did they make you worst cook? Well, I had to pick my first thing. You'll see. No spoilers? Yeah. I'm excited to watch that. What's going on with Stacy? Visit us online at kichiweeji.org.

And Stacy and I are going to give you a Zoom Ouija board reading. We'll get in touch with some people that you might have lost sooner or later or just kind of, you know, talk to Hendrix or Leonard Cohen. Kind of get the inside scoop on how he got to those crazy lyrics. Me too.

That was episode 67. Anything else, Dan? there sure isn't that's the extent of all my world knowledge okay well thanks for listening bye thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker

you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine. Encino, California. Nine one four one six. Thanks for listening.