Nerd Poker - Episode 68 - Sour Mom

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

The Ice Five finally approach the head of the boat, and what they find is sight only a Dargthur could love... and he's pretty sour so he probably won't. 

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Clay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Posehn, and you're listening to Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. It's episode 68. Still quarantine episodes.

I'm looking at my friends on my computer they are all here he doesn't like it when I started with him last time so I'm going to give him a warning that I'm starting from the bottom of my screen

turn that frown upside down Dan there he is, tell for everybody hello everyone hello america hello hello and then uh ken hey ken hi hi blame hi i'll be back between 10 and 5. Alright. We'll check back. Chris. Hello, Brian. Hey, pal.

And Sarah. Hello. Hello. And with the dog on his lap, everybody, it is Sam. Hi, everybody. That dog loves you. He looks very happy. They have terrible, terrible breath, as a rule.

As a people, dogs do. Is it because of the balls? Yeah, that's part of it. Dan, is there anybody? Do you feel thankful at all oh my god it's not late November but I feel the spirit of thanks within me so you know what I'm gonna go ahead and do a little list of folks

that we like to thank I'm gonna start with Josh Gilming thanks Josh thanks Josh thanks Ezekiel T. Barnacle the third way up in the middle of the air if you thought that was long Thanks, Ezekiel T. Barnacle III. Long one. Way up in the middle of the air. If you thought that was long, check out TikTok's mechanical ball sack.

Yeah, I will check it out. Like ball work. Thank you, Creme Bulette. Oh, nice. Delicious. Thank you, Shreme Bulette. Ah, nice. Thank you, Sharts in the Dark. Thank you, Sharts in the Dark. And you're to blame!

You give love a Blaine reference. Thank you, Lord Brownington. Lord Brownington, related to Sharts in the Dark. Thank you. Pinky McJiggles. Make it be uncomfortable. related to Sharts in the Dark. Thank you. Thanks for browning it. Pinky McJiggles. Thanks, PM. Make it be uncomfortable.

Thank you, Sean Meredith. Thanks, Sean. Thanks, Jake Tawny. Thank you, Jake. Thanks, Pat Dukes. Thanks, Joni Freeze. Thanks, Joni Freeze. Thanks, Big Tick Energy.

Thanks, Big Tick Energy.gy. Thanks, BigTickEnergy. Thank you, David Preston. Thanks, David. Thank you, David. Thanks, Tim Bates. Thanks, Tim. Thank you, CleverNerdPokerReference. Ha ha!

And thank you, most of all, HulkHogie420. Here in the Midwest, he's Hulk Slider 420. Hey, Blaine, who is that list of Patreon supporters brought to us by? It was brought to you by Omni Omni Omni Omni Omni Omni, the science magazine for people who can't stop eating.

Dan? It's really handy to know that there's a magazine for that. I'm going to subscribe because I have pica. Anyway, thank you for getting my obscured genetic condition reference. It's either that or Kuru. Those are the two go-tos. And now I would like to transition into looking at Brian Scratch's nipples in a really uncomfortable way as the camera suddenly focuses on.

It's just my shirts over my nipples. That's all. You don't have to make it weird. No, you're right. I don't have to. Just scratch my Beastie Boys shirt. That's all. Who doesn't want to scratch their bushy nipples in the middle of an episode?

I get it. Hey, Sam's got a dog on his lap. Look at that. Aw. Aw. Raw man. That is a cute, cute dog, Sam. What's that dog's name?

This is Ramen. Aw, thank you for the reminder. So is Ramen also cheap and high in sodium? Well, you guys, I've delayed enough. It's time for me to say what happened last time on Nerd Poker. That's right, Chris Tallman. Your day is nigh. The Ice Five are below deck.

Yes, Chris Tallman. I don't like this game at all. We are not even in a game of Nerd Poker. This is your dream. Wake up, Chris Dahlman. I don't like this game at all. We are not even in a game of nerd poker. This is your dream. Wake up, Chris. Wake up. The Ice Five are below deck in Dratlana's ship. They have executed a few phantasmal narwhals spreading their meat about the floor.

A floor covered in slime and occasionally slime-coated eyeballs that pop up, check everybody out, and then disappear. You've gone through a series of rooms and ended up in what appears to be the entertaining quarters of Queen Drodlana herself. Liquor bottles strewn about, tables and chairs, kind of sitting around like someone used them recently, but no one present at the moment. You've found some other loot, which you can talk about if you really want to. I, as the narrator, won't get into it too much, but there is a door to the

north and you think you may be soon closing in on the quarters of Queen Drodlana. Wake up, Chris. That guy, he's got a lot of notes. I know. For you. I am in trouble.

Well, I mean... I feel like we're just... I feel like we need to... We've spent a long time kind of dillying and dallying and... Let's get in there. We have to fight these guys. It's just my cabin fever,

but literally here. Who's down and who has spells? I think we're all down spells is there any is there any way that we could maybe do that dark their thing with the magic rope for and like take some i think it's we should but isn't it only for like a half hour or something like that that's an hour we could short rest does short rest get anybody anything short rest is four hours i think right it? It's four? I thought a short rest was one hour.

Oh, but it still won't get us back to Spellbinder. I do agree we need that, and I only have 11 hit points. I mean, I guess it just feels like, yeah, we're in a very dangerous... We could try to do a long rest here and see if we can get through it. Yeah, let's just hang in this room.

Block off the doors. Yeah, let's act like we're hanging out with these drow. But I don't think that's going to work. You know? Yeah, the only reason I think that's not going to work is because those guys were running in here. I'm assuming to get to what's on the other side of this door. And back up. Yeah, it feels

like we've gone too far now where we either need to just we just need to like go ahead or get off the boat. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. If we short rested, we could at least roll hit dice and heal that way.

It's no frizz. Yeah. Well, how many doors are in this room? Just two, right? So post up and everybody sit in the middle. Do we agree how long a short rest is? I mean, for me, it's always been four hours.

I'm looking it up right now. So this is a period of downtime, at least one hour. The reason I've been saying four hours is because you guys have been doing watch shifts and learning spells and stuff during them, which takes longer than an hour usually. But you can make it a short, short rest if you want to just roll your hit dice.

It's up to folks. It's up to folks. That's all it does though. Oh, actually no. I have a couple of feats. Turn undead I get per short rest and a couple of feats turn undead i get per short rest and a couple other things so yeah i guess let's i get my magic arrows back if we short rest okay all right so we're gonna short rest sounds fun and roll some hit dice maybe yeah go roll your hit dice everybody uh let me know what you get for your heels what does that

mean we roll hit dice how we have never done it for us, I don't think ever. Yeah, so the way this works is you look on your character sheet. It will tell you what your hit dice is. You roll your hit dice, and the result is how many hit points you get. Wait, I roll all of my potential hit dice? That doesn't make any sense. No, you roll one of the kind of dice it says. Okay, got it.

That's what I was asking. You can roll as many as your level so i think we're seventh level so you could roll as many as seven but you don't have to so for example you could roll four dice now and then if we took another short rest in a couple hours you could roll the other three then and then your number of hit dice reset every time you take a long rest and this has got to be so annoying for people listening but i'm so confused by that because if i did that then i would my max hp would be higher doesn't go above your max this is just healing yeah let's okay all right correct so but so dan's saying we can roll one you're saying we can roll all of ours. Oh, Dan, isn't that right? You can pick as many as you want, right? Yeah, but then you can't use them again

until you take a long rest. Okay. Okay. You said with advantage? Okay. Roll your dice. Tell the listeners how many hit points you get. Won't you be so kind? I got mine back.

I was 17 down, and I got them back on three rolls. Oh, great. Use three of your hit dice. I used all of mine to get not even all the way up to my max, but I'm at 39. That's great.

I got my arcane shots back that's what i needed to do okay so now so now i can shoot magic arrows again or specialty magic arrows i should say are you okay are you okay? And I noticed you groomed yourself as well. Your feathers your plumage is very seems like this water humidity is really

fluffing you up. It's no frizz. Aw, freshly fluffed queep. Okay. Now we're going to go through this door? Yeah, I mean, is anybody doing a watch and not doing anything else, or did you

all just spend it healing and such? I can... How many spells can we get back in this time? None, I don't think. I think you get spell slots back. Yeah. Blackie, are you totally out of

spell slots? Because I think I am, except for maybe one purse level. Yeah, I have a couple of things left, but nothing good. I have a hold wife's purse at department store and I have build hold wife's purse at department store

and I have build a bear. Don't forget about slots. Slots mean that you can use the same spell multiple times, but you lose the slot per time. You could use your best spell, but only at a certain... You only have a certain number of slots per level.

Alright, so we're going through this door. Should we check it for traps? Eh. It's so... Or Halcyon walks through. I'm very impatient. These last three episodes, like, we're already inside all the time. In real life, I gotta...

Let's go through this door. I'm not roleplaying correctly anymore. You guys have been doing a lot of time on this boat. This boat has been a few episodes. I'll check the door for traps. Investigation check with advantage, sir. Oh, thank you. God fucking six.

There does not seem to be any traps on this door. Guys, Halcine's right. All right. Yep. You guys all kind of look at it with him and you're like, all right, seems like no traps. Open the door. Cool. Hey, Halcine, do a dexterity saving throw.

Will do. I deserve it. Oh, yikes. Well, just double checking. I don't have anything to help me with what just happened. We're going to say this is a 15 DC. Yeah, I got a four then total. Not great.

Okay, so you are going to see some steel bars kind of slam down out of the top of the doorway into the ground. They stay down also, but in the process, you get raked for five points of slashing damage.

They didn't hook your fanny pack, did you? Like a portcullis? This is sort of my fault for insisting we go through, but then you did check for traps and we didn't find any. I checked it the hell scene way. Not at all.

Team effort. Alright, so now there's bars in front of me? There sure is. I bend the bars like a cartoon strongman. Alright, that's going to be a straight up strength check. You're going to let me even try. I love it. Who's the most

perceptive? Can anyone see through the bars? Is there someone? The door is still there behind me. I botched my strength check. Yeah. I mean, you just, you all see how single like, and she makes like a really embarrassing, just sort of grunt. I got a hangnail.

Okay. Well, somebody else do something because I'm done. What if Queep and I do it together? Can I help Queep pull it open? He's a strong fellow. Like in a manly way, kind of just place your hands on his hips and get him right.

It's like a D&D action. You can help. I want to help Queep. Yes, you may. Queep, I will give you a strength check advantage. You know what? I'm saying strength check advantage. All right. I'm saying strength check. It's because this is a feat of strength. It's no real athletics involved. You're trying to bend steel.

Yeah. High DC on this. You're a tough bird. You said with advantage? Yeah. 20. Oh. 20. Oh, you know, you've got TikTok, again, just like lovingly and gently, but at the same time, very like making you feel tougher, just kind of like wrapped around you with your arms and like you just grab two of them and go, yeah, and you get, you do bend it. You just grab two of them and go,

and you do bend it. It takes you a few minutes, but you kind of pull two apart and get a couple more apart on the side. You feel like maybe everybody could get through these bars, but there's still the door on the other side of these bars. Well, we can open the door, right? well we can open the door right well uh there is a

door ring on the other side of the bars but there is now like metal bars bent and kind of shoved in front of the door ring chop the door down okay is it wood roll to attack the door down. Okay. Is it wood? Roll to attack the door.

Okay. Door. Hey, you know, I've got these insect gauntlets. I'm sorry. I've got these insect gauntlets. I could maybe rake this thing open with those. Ooh. I rolled a 20 on my attack oh sweet well

you see uh creep smash through um yeah we haven't gotten into those gauntlets in a while so those are uh pretty fancy i'm gonna say um that's mostly like a way you can do some extra unarmed damage for burrow. You can use them for climbing and such. I don't think you'd really be able to burrow through a door that well. But we pretty much smashed it open. I mean, you guys now see a stone staircase, which is unusual, but it looks very ornately like cut it looked yeah for a ship it is unusual but they're like ornately cut and it goes up um i feel like that's gonna affect the buoyancy a giant stone staircase i mean there's you know steel cannons on the boat too

it's not the most crazy thing you've seen. Have you been on a Disney cruise? Yeah, no shit. There's an island inside this boat. By the way, if you've been on a Disney cruise, go get tested. But yeah, there's... For what? You can't quite see. With all the bars and... You're a genie.

Who knows? With all the bars and splintered wood, you'd have to go through to really see what's up these stairs but there's like a level of stairs that goes up about at least 20 feet all right let's hell seen this she's getting impatient guys drop drop through the bars and up the stone stairs to to hell. Y'all squeeze through and it's got a couple of torches on either side going up every five feet or so and then

there's another door at the top of these stairs. Can I take a torch off the wall? Is it like a magical torch or is it like in a sconce? You can take it off the wall. Let's check for traps. Yes. Check the torch for traps? No, the door. And the wall. Let's check for traps. Yes. Check the torch for traps? No, the door.

The door. Cool. You check all the specks of dust between you and the door for traps. Let's get individual rolls for all of those. Blaine, do not look behind you. No, the other side. Don't look behind you. I think it's in front of him.

Oh, it's in front of him. Blaine, don't look at like your four o'clock. Oh, shit. Yeah, I got nothing. Covered in hair. All right, let's get... Who's taking lead on checking the next door?

It's investigation. Who's got the best investigation? It's not me. I have a plus one. I have a plus three. Oh, good. But I rolled a one. Oh, no. But he gets a minute, right? You get to roll again.

That's a 16 plus three, so that's a 19. It feels like there is some kind of trigger on the door frame on the door frame what if we just knock like we're trying to repair ourselves

from being crazy marauders we don't really know what's going on let's be honest yeah but so I'm saying why not knock so you knock don't knock it So you knock? Don't knock it till you try it. Try little bites of different things instead of lots of white.

Who is knocking? TikTok? I'll knock. TikTok, I'll knock. So yeah. Little Richard. TikTok. Do you say anything? Knock.

Hello? It's TikTok and the Ice Five. We've made a bit of a blunder. We did not mean to try and murder. We thought this was some kind of evil

layer. Turns out it's your evil layer. And we're sorry. And we would like to be friends you hear a on the door like a mechanical click i can open okay i'm trapped okay i'll gently do you mind if we come in i'm just trying to be very non-threatening here and i'll open the door okay you open the door and it appears to be some sort of private quarters uh you you don't see much of it there's only about eight feet of it in front of you there's some bookshelves on one side bookshelves on the other an elaborate carpet on the ground but only eight feet in front

of you there is a purport velvet curtain that seems to have been uh hurriedly attached to the ceiling and across that's draped over the bookshelves you only see like a little bit of the bookshelves on either the left or the right and it's covering uh the path forward. When you open the door, you hear a voice, this sort of deep, guttural, but still feminine voice say, welcome. Do we hear it, or do we hear it on our heads?

You hear it out loud. Do we recognize it? Welcome, Ice5. Hey, do an insight check only, Ice5. Hey, do an insight check only. Dark Thirstury, please. It's low.

Low 12. it sounds familiar but fucked up I'm gonna turn to the group do I think it could be my mom in a different state yes alright I thought we were gonna meet the mother brain I don't think that's the mother brain.

You recognize it's not the mother brain for sure. You guys, I think it's my mom in an altered state. Undead maybe? Or she's a beholder with the shards probably. That's why all the little eyes

were coming out. Remember when you're in a beir? We're in a beholder lair maybe? She's the new thuggis. I think Darkthor, you should take over here then. What Ice V business do we have to discuss

Ice V? Darkthor, put on your hat. The Admiral. do we have to discuss Ice-5? Doctor, put on your hat. It's your hat, Admiral. It's your mom! Are you kidding me? If there's one person who's going to fucking lose her mind seeing you in the hat, you're the

Admiral! Do I even have an Admiral hat? She'll be so proud. Come on. You know, first of all, you've said you have an Admiral hat? She'll be so proud. No, anyway. You know, first of all, you've said you have an Admiral hat. You never found one, but you were so proud of your title as the Admiral. I think we kind of grandfathered in the idea that you'd picked one up somewhere.

I'll say, for the sake of narrative, amongst the swashbuckling clothes that Dr. the swashbuckling clothes that Dr. U had found in a pile, there's this purple velvet tri-corner hat with a bent peacock feather coming out of it. All right. Doctor. Yes. I can cast two spells.

They're not great. But one of them, and I hold up the velveteen outfit, I can press to digitate so I can poof, poof, poof, pop it all clean and nice and go what have you put on the sailor boy clothing no at least at least talk to your mom while she's here right put the hat on yeah i'll put the hat on men pull up your pants yeah yeah no

Roll up your pants. The hat, yeah. Up the knees. Yeah. No. I don't know what to say. Give mommy a kiss. Are you putting on the outfit, Brian?

Not the outfit, but I put the hat on and I go, we're not here to cause any trouble. We just... What? Why are you laughing at me? I hate doing that. Please pretend I'm not laughing at you and continue what you're going to say. This is listener gold. They love it so much, Brian.

We got into some shit with some of your people. And then we... I don't know. I just opened the... I opened the curtain. All right. So you sort of whip open the curtain and there

is a strange sort of shadow. It's behind a window like like the the back of the room it's a little how do i put this and pull up my map so like now that you're in here on the other side of the curtain you see there's like a a dais in the middle of the floor uh sort of carpet and there's like a couple of desks and there's like a window that goes out into the back of the ship and the window is like a door window like it slides open and um you see there is a shape on the other side of it and it's just sort of in silhouette and uh a voice says oh you mean no harm good to know good to see you again uh i see you like my hat oh yeah Yeah. It's your hat? Yes.

I present it to her. Or rather it was. I don't use it anymore. Okay. You're a werewolf? The shape turns around and you just see this huge fucking eyeball staring at you and this toothy maw

and it just sort of creaks its way through and you see this pale blue beholder its eye stalks kind of like coming through the doorway and says much has changed Darkthor much

has changed but we're on the same side now are we indeed Darkthor. Much has changed. But we're on the same side now. Are we? Indeed. Okay. What side is that? Well, we're the Ice Five.

What? It's a we thing. Wait a minute. I've been brought in. Remember how the Mother Brain was like, now she's a part of the Ice Five. Did this have to do with the Mother Brain? I lost my battle with

the Thixit Clan and afterwards was kept from dying and brought into immortality thanks to the Mother Brain and the Ice Five, who I understand have origins tied to you, Darkthor. What?

The Ice Five? I have you to thank for this newfound second chance. You're welcome. Indeed. What would you have of me? It sounds like you got into a tussle with my new crew.

We didn't know who they were. We felt threatened and we defended ourselves. Do you feel threatened now? It's awkward. I missed you. You didn't send a card on Mother's Day,

so I don't know how much you missed me, man. I had heard you were dead and was actually mourning. I was dead in a sense, yes. Remind her to everybody else that she was kind of a dick right yeah before yeah should we maybe take a picture of you guys back together just to kind of remember the moment

so she's very much just a beholder I mean like you get a kind of like vague sense that her skin tone is similar you do see blue crystal like things sort of sticking out of her main orb-like body and there is something sort of creepy reminiscent of a drow in her eyes they're they're like completely crimson with a black slit down the middle. Excuse me. I had a little burpy times. But the eyes on all the

eye stalks are deep crimson and her skin is a pale yellow blue like a drow. A drow beholder. Yeah, but there's very little else resembling your mom except her voice.

And yeah, she wants to know what her plan is. Yeah. What is she doing? Well, I'm being outfitted with a new crew. The path of the vaunted tusk is slowly being indoctrinated into the ice five as well. Oh God. Next, as far as I know,

the plan from the mother brain that was discussed with me is we were going to earn the trust of the rest of the path, lay siege to Dame Island, and then launch a final assault against the Archmage of Vanzervale. Why lay siege on Dame Island?

Oh, they hate Dame Island. It sounds like one of their own died in negotiations there oh is this all shit yeah he blew himself up and and almost killed all of us yeah okay oh is that right yeah it is right perhaps it means dancing okay perhaps we should take this to the mother brain because i think what's going on here is the mother brain in assimilating the vaunted tusk is taking the vaunted tusks point of view whereas i would suggest perhaps the mother brain should tell the vaunted tusk to back the fuck up to go fuss themselves we're gonna yeah i think we need to speak with the mother brain right guys i would yes may we where can we find her oh she's in a cave along the coast i believe

it used to be inhabited by some sort of fey wild hag and she has moved in oh yes i believe we know the cave we are the real estate agents who put it on the market oh gentrification at work in clodenheim anyway i love pinkberry though you gotta love pinkberry except their ceo's a creep uh so anyway uh yeah if you uh just gonna take that up with the mother brain, I'd recommend doing it now. Tomorrow we were planning to begin our siege. The Path of the Vaunted Tusk has many juggernauts ready to attack the coastline. Hey, Mom, the Path of the Vaunted Tusk are pretty terrible.

Why are you taking up with them? I've had issues with them in the past, but they greatly increased the Ice Fives number and will allow us to lay siege to the Archmage of Vanzervale. They hate us. Do they know that you're putting it... They've been trying to

kill us every time we see them. It's my understanding that they will join the Ice Fives so long as we level Dame Island and kill all the humans there. Right. Let's not go...

Hmm? What's up? Huh? Nothing. Well, let's go awesome seeing you. Let's all head off to that cave. Yeah. Could you just do me a favor? Can you just fix the door on the way out?

Sure. We bent it. We'll bend it back. That'd be fantastic. Enjoy the hat, dog, sir. All right. I love Brian's like, Brian, are you on your phone?

Just sort of like. No, no. I'm weirded out. You should be weirded out. I love Brian's like, Brian, are you on your phone? Just sort of like, Oh no, I'm weirded out. You should be weirded out. Your, your mom's a weird ass beholder now. Um, I didn't think we were ever going to,

I didn't think we were ever going to see her. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know. I don't want to unite with those fuckers. And I don't want to talk about this. I just don't, I don't want to talk about those fuckers. We should definitely talk about this. I just don't want to talk about it on this boat.

No, let's go. Yeah, let's go to the... I mean, this is the whole problem with the mother brain becoming like making us the Ice Five and the tokens, remember? And it was like this whole thing where it's like, no, we don't want to be part of this. Let's go kill the mother brain. I think we need her well let's

see if we can talk to her and then oh wait before we leave can I ask her something yeah I just wanted to ask her so what you the plan is to attack the archmage with to what end well to stop him I mean we're trying to stop him. I mean, we're

trying to stop him from taking the mantle of the Tenebrous one. But then who's going to take the mantle of the Tenebrous one? Well, the Ice Five. Okay, real quick question. Earlier, on this very boat, we

saw Manzikorian. That's right. Isn't he the Tenezikorian. That's right. Isn't he the Tenebrous one? That's right. Why was he here? He will not hand over the mantle and the power therein until the Archmage is dead. He was just trying to probably explain to some of my minions how he can be assisted. Boy, I'm sure there's a story behind all of this that makes

total sense yeah cool um what is it so you guys we were under the impression that man's a corian had go. What you're saying is Manzikorian is going to just go as long as it's not the Archmage of Vanzervane. Manzikorian has very limited power in his dead state. He can assume an avatar of his former self if he concentrates. Sounds like he made a visit as he is sometimes want but as the Tenebrous one when he is at full power he has the

ability to harness you know extra planar abilities that could heal Clottenheim and he has agreed to heal Clottenheim so long as we stop the Archmage of Anzervale from taking his mantle.

But isn't he the one who fucked up Claude and Himes to begin with? Pardon my French. I refuse to pardon your French. I'm just getting a major lore break. There's nothing Blaine gives a shit about less than lore breaks. He's been tuned out for

10 minutes. Yeah, the... She says the Archmage of Vanzervale is the one who summoned the Comets. And therefore, the Archmage of Vanzervale is the one who summoned the armies of Warforged to eliminate

the Elves. We definitely didn't know that, right? Dan? Nope. The story we were the story we were told is that he and the druids were trying to stop it oh he summoned it with the druids i turn and look at dr who would oh what do you think about that well I'm a druid would I know anything about this

with druid lore why don't you do a history check boss I got a 15 what was I rolling there history an 18 I see great 18. I see.

Great. Yeah. You know, it would be unusual for druids to do something destructive, but you believe the druids could be tricked into something. Do I know? I know my dad was up to something weird, right? Magically speaking. The sun elves. I asked Darlana were the Sun Elves involved in this?

Oh, yeah. They're the ones who made the mistake of asking the Archmage for help. They gave him access to power that allowed the comet to descend. There's a lot of layers to this stuff.

Like a bean dip but we're getting there I've been assimilated I can tell you many things I don't suppose you have anything in that bag for me is this a Wizard of Oz reference? I'm just hoping you can give me some Warforged shit here

trying to understand what the hell's going on oh step closer is that a War forged back there hi my name is tick tock the mechanical man oh it's been a while i'm a shadow assassin interesting a shadow been a while since you saw me personally since i've seen a war forged Me personally? Since I've seen a war forged. Yes, they were summoned by the Archmage to destroy the elves.

So why did he want to destroy the elves? The elves gave him power to do something, try to assume the manhole which numbers one, and then why did he want to destroy the elves? The elves wanted to keep claudenheim the way it was

and the archmage wanted to unleash the power beneath claudenheim oh these are the shards oh and there's so much more than just the shards like what there is a great power beneath this continent

oh you have no idea the power. Ooh, maybe we do. Is it got tentacles coming out of its shoulders and it's a big goddamn fella? She starts laughing and cackling and says, you'll see. I'm sure you'll see. Sounds like you nailed it, TikTok.

Totally, totally. She's a total reveal at her point. You have advantage. Oh, my God. My head is spinning. So, this is like too much to keep in there at one time. It doesn't help that Dan's eating yogurt while he's doing all of this. At this point, I'm just doing a Sam impression.

eating yogurt while he's doing all of this. At this point, I'm just doing a Sam impression. Yeah, the way she explains that there's a power underneath Klaue. I mean, she says it's not like a being. The way you describe it,

she's like, I don't think that's it exactly. There's something far larger. Some other nightmare in the basement. Oh, there's so many nightmares in the basement, but there's one. What is the end goal here for you and yours? To heal Clottenheim. And what does that look like in the end? What would a healed Clottenheim look like to you?

There would no longer be oceans with deadly currents in them we would potentially be able to make civilization more inhabitable for let's say the gnomes of pepper green the halflings of donkey land all the people who lost their ability to survive might find earth more accepting of crops but i cannot do that and neither can the mother brain without the tenebrous one's power the archmage wants to splinter the land and break it and unleash its power so that he can take over the power i think it's safe to say i look around the group we definitely don't like that guy. We're all on this, ultimately we're all on the same page. Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, this is the enemy, your enemy's enemy. I don't know. Nobody seems to like good news in this situation, but you know, we are certainly being more and more is being revealed. It's just it gets overwhelming to try to figure out the factions.

Who doesn't like the factions part of a role? As soon as the planets healed, maybe the vaunted tusk will suddenly be the lords of the sea and they won't necessarily have to worry so much about the people on Dame Island. Exactly. She's already said they're going to kill all

the people on Dame Island first. We'll work on that. Let's get off this fucking boat. Yeah, I mean, even if you guys do any in-character crosstalk about your objective about Dame Island, I'm going to assume your characters are kind of like going... Yeah, yeah.

But she's definitely starting to go like, yes, if there's a change in plan, talk to the mother brain. I'm going to go ahead with my plan in the morning. Please tell your crew we're sorry for murdering them. Oh, they're undead. They don't mind that much.

Total miscommunication. So sorry. They like it. Hey, if she's been assimilated, can she identify objects? Does anyone have anything that they need identified, by the way, before we head out? Because I feel like we always forget to do that. Those Marifka daggers and the poison. Can we ask her for magic stuff?

What can you give us? And can we rest can we ask her for magic stuff what can you give us and can we rest those are all the things now that now that we're in the evil pirate queen's beholder lair let's see if we just get a catch of you know 40 winks before we go long rest and then go see the mother brain i think so yeah i'd love it what's a good place for us to just snooze? She has the ability to identify magically three times a day. She does not have any supplies, she tells you.

They were just outfitting this boat for an assault, but they were, you know, there's not really enough here for you. It was for mostly the undead, sort of ghost-like members of the Path of the Vaunted Tusks. There's not really enough here for you that it was for mostly the undead uh sort of ghost-like members of the path of the bonded tusks there's not like potions or weapons what is like the book what was the book about gateways to gehenna yeah what was that kind of like what was that about

was that herman woke well you got it off of Manzikorian who dropped it when you destroyed his physical avatar when he was surprised to see me he was very much like holy shit it's you yeah I'm reminding what do you know about him specifically Manzikorian

was once what they call an Alhoon many eons ago mind flayer who decided to abandon And Zekorian was once what they call an Alhoun many eons ago. Mind flayer who decided to abandon his otherworldly powers for arcane knowledge. And he eventually became something much greater than just a mind flayer. Greater than any brain that would be sort of an elder brain. He elevated himself to become godlike at various points was killed and

reborn he seems to simply want power he does not seem to want anything that I know of other than to heal Clottenheim this all this all this wanting to heal Clottenheim.

All this wanting to heal Clottenheim just sounds so contrived and fakey. My druid sense is going off. Okay. Do an insight check, Dr. Hood. No. What'd you roll?

I rolled one of these onesie yeah now do you have I botched my insight check which means I I farted and sneezed at the same time do tell if you have proficiency and insight as I feel like this is one of those classic moments I should check on this

give a little black dot next to that shit? Sorry, you're stretching out here. Sorry. What was that again? Oh, I'm sorry. It's always weird because you never know when you're stretching out. Yeah, frozen. Sorry. Do you have proficiency in insight? I have a plus four four which gives me a five

okay uh i'm looking at yeah you're right he has a plus four you guys but he does not have proficiency i do not have proficiency yeah so you're not sure but the i would say just your natural impulse to question it is good she's's a fucking beholder. She looks nasty. She's got big ass teeth. It's just like the mind flayers that were good. I had to trust her before. Yeah.

It seems like you're being manipulated. Just basic passive insight. Yeah. All right. Bye. just basic passive insight yeah alright bye she said we can she said we can chill nobody has anything they want identified I guess

and we're gonna we're gonna rest right yeah and then go to the mother are you gonna fix her door yes cool and then go to the mother. Are you going to fix her door? Yes.

Cool. Do a survival check on the door as you guys head out. I'm proficient. I am too. Oh, do it then. It's your mom. This will be cool. You're wearing her hat. Holy shit.

What did you do? and i'm and i have a plus five you find a latch you find a latch on the other side that releases um the metal bars and for a second they pang into the ceiling but uh you managed to kind of like

like because there's already force pulling them back up you manage to kind of like like because there's already force pulling them back up you manage to kind of like smack them a couple of times like they retract back up into the ceiling even though they're bent to shit they're easier to bend when they've got this mechanism yanking them back up into the ceiling and then the door itself you just manage to take some of the furniture in the entertaining room and with a spare tool set kind of nail a new wooden door back together. And it's all functional.

It looks ridiculous because you've made it from spare parts, but yep. Well, I plus three Allen wrench came in handy, huh? I sing me You're Welcome song from Moana. You hear her call from above.

The rock has a better singing voice that people give him credit for. And so you guys get up. Now, the deck, it's a little unclear how to get above deck. You guys wander around

for a while because as you get back to the sort of casket room where the drows were sort of being kept for their meat, you're like, oh, right. That's magically healed over that hole we burned in the roof. She wasn't telling us.

She was letting us rest but not telling us how to get out? Correct. So we long rested? Oh, how do we get out? Can we still ask her yet? You can know. Because we were going to rest. So. Okay. Below deck. I'm just saying I feel like we would have discussed where can we rest and how

do we get out? Okay, sure. Yeah, she'll tell you if you walk to the back of the boat, there's two staircases, one on either side that you can take to get above deck. I just wanted to see if you guys would explode the roof. And so, yeah, you guys can, if you want, take a long rest down here.

It's very slimy. Everything smells like dead drow. I think we'll have to do it because, right? Yeah. I mean, we've been exposed to whatever danger we're going to be here like yeah she wanted to kill us whenever you guys decide not to fight a beholder i'm like oh you never know well they are part of this world now whoa i like that i didn't get the feeling that she was a threat other than the fact that she's having us do

stuff that we don't want to do. Are you still wearing her purple velvet tri-corner hat? Any mom. This is what I'm trying to remind our group of, though, which is that if we had met her in a non-Beholder form, we probably would have killed her. Maybe. She's extremely evil.

She is related to a bunch of people in our group and she like she's a she's not a good person yeah so you know yeah i don't feel free to talk until we are off this boat okay this is sarah talking but never mind okay yeah so we're gonna rest might as well do it here i I guess. I definitely don't trust her, but I also didn't think that was the right time to attack.

Okay, so we're going to rest, but with watches. And then go to talk to the mother brain. I assume it's TikTok. Do your watch roll, please. Perception. Perception. talk do your do your watch roll please perception perception uh 22 all right that is gonna be uh you notice which room did you guys pick that you're gonna crash in she was supposed to tell us what would be a good room for us to hang out in.

Okay. Well, also, let me throw this in there. So, first of all, she gives you a room, but you hear noise. It sounds like people are starting to fill up this boat. She said she was crewing up. Yeah. So, that's what mostly you notice. It sounds like there's at least like a dozen individuals moving around.

And from what you've been told... Oh, wait. She said in the morning, right? What time of day was this? Like late at night. Did we talk to her? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, then we can't do a long rest, can we? Because she's going to Dame Island in the morning. Okay, then let's go.

I don't know what we're going to do. Nobody has any spells or anything. So it's not like we can... Well, in theory, we're going to talk anyways, right? Sure, Dan. I guess, I mean, yeah, we can't let them start sailing towards

Game Island to destroy it. Well, if you want to do a short rest, I mean, you could just do a short rest. But that doesn't get any of our spells back. No. Alright, let's go straight to the Mother Brain. Let's doesn't get any of our spells back. No. All right. Let's go straight to the mother brain. Let's go to the cave. Ay-yi-yi.

Yeah, Brian? Why can't we rest until... She said she's setting sail to destroy Jane Island in the morning, unless we talk to the mother brain and plans change. So we have to... You're going to go now. Well, why don't we...

Hey, Mom, these guys are... Can you do something to... Do you have some health spells? Some of these guys are beaten up. We're actually not beaten up. Everybody has full health now because we regressed it.

You just gotta replenish spells is the problem. Oh, okay. Well, can you help them with their magic? No. That was like a cute little kid thing. My mom's all powerful. Sorry, honey, that's not how spells work. No, I think you could do something.

Do a persuasion check. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, you could. Brian, looking at this up, it's brought to you by Guns and Ammon, Ammon, Ammon, Ammon, Ammon, Ammon. The Gun Magazine for people who can't stop eating. 8 plus 5.

Yeah. What were you going to say, Brian? I mean, regardless of what I rolled for persuasion, you know that you could. You could help them. Well, let's see trying to she's like well you can wait until shit i have to look this up because basically you're doing a persuasion check to make your dungeon master look up how this works you know what you i don't really think there's...

Can she leave the next... Less complicated than her trying to restore her spells would just be her agreeing to leave the following day. Give us time to talk to the mother brain. Can you give us one day to talk to the mother brain, please? And presuming that everything's going to be fine. You know what I mean?

Yeah, with a 13 roll, she'll be like, I'll wait until midday. Okay. That way we can sleep in. We'll get a late checkout. We'll hit the buffet before it closes. I'm going to get that bacon flight. A no-no after Corona. Mimosas!

There's no more buffets ever. So, yeah. You guys take a long rest till morning. You get your spells back. Long rest. TikTok, you're just going to notice TikTok. There's Vaughn and Tusk loading up. If you peek outside the room with that good roll, I mean, you'll just notice there's mostly spectral ones.

There's a couple of juggernauts around, but it looks like the main kind that you're used to, the guys that are like regular sized narwhals and have more fins than arms are large are largely absent and so it seems like maybe a more evil arm of the path of on a tusk is helping out the ice five and arm wide like weapon wise what's everybody sporting not much it looks. It looks like they're filling cannons, but they are just sort of massing these sort of undead armies.

To flood the city. Yeah. Plus they have a super ship to knock everything down first. All right. Okay, so we're resting and then we're getting to the cave. at the top of this and at the end of this too i would be trying to ping gus hey still on that boat can you believe it

do a perception check 20 so Gus for a while has been pretty far away but at like right around sunrise you just sort of feel this weird like like kind of like

guttural noise in your mind no guttural noise in your mind. No. Guttural? Yeah. Guys, I gotta go. Well, it worked out well because now it's sunrise and we're all going, right?

Yeah. Where is Gus? He was following that stupid lady. The Violet Fang to Dame Island to Dame Island and on that note you've sort of got two choices ahead of you you can go to Mother Brain or you can go straight to Dame Island where you think Gus was nearby next time on Nerd Poker

on episode 68 of Nerd Poker but hey this is 68 next time on episode 68 of Nerd Poker this is 68 this is 68 next time 69 bye bye what do you think happened Sam I haven't had

one of these episodes in a long time where I listen to this entire episode every minute I don't know where we are or I don't understand a single thing are we friends with one of the eyes we're always fighting only because it was my mom

cool man I couldn't tell you one note. Narwhals you win. You win. Listeners, if you join Patreon at the metal tier

or above, you can ask the Dungeon Master what the fuck is going on? Anything to plug? I'm going to have to join. Or you can just call me. If you have my phone number. Yeah, just

if you have a couple of extra dollars, why don't you join Nerd Poker's Patreon, you guys? It's obviously not for everybody in this incredibly difficult time, but it helps us keep going and we really appreciate it. We've been doing bonuses. Pat Noswalt, finally, I've been

wanting him to do this show for a long time and it finally worked out. He's done four bonus episodes so far. And a song. Three are available already for April. The fourth will be up probably by the time this goes. It'll be up soon for our

first May bonus episode. We have Star Wars coming up. We're going to play Star Wars again with Chris. He's going to run it. Not sure who our May guest is going to be, but we've been doing really well lately, so I think we'll probably get somebody good.

We've got a bunch of friends that we've been reaching out to. Again, Grandpa Metal, available. I have a YouTube channel now for Postane the Band, and it's got my video I just did for Satan is Kind of a Dick, and that's a lyric only. And then I've got a video with weird Al coming and animated video. And then I've got a grandpa metal video that were started pre quarantine and we're finishing up this way.

And that'll be out really soon. So thanks. way uh and uh that'll be out really soon so thanks and then i'm also on uh um celebrity worth cooks but not for very long spoiler well he's also on the spoilers man the spoilers he's also on the show celebrity worth cooks uh anything else oh just you know oh i would really quick just remind everybody we've been talking about like what we've done recently on patreon i feel like sometimes people don't realize this you have access to our entire backlog of episodes

when you join so if you haven't joined yet like you're gonna have just a huge fuck pile of special guests and danger room episodes and our tomb of annihilation run that we did that was completely insane there's a ton of stuff there yeah uh blaine what's going on with you and the kitchenator episodes and our Tomb of Annihilation run that we did that was completely insane. There's a ton of stuff there. Blaine, what's going on with you and the Kitchenator?

We're doing this is Gathering of the Keechalos this weekend in Palmdale. Everybody's going to be six feet apart. We're giving everybody poles to come out in four directions so everybody stays six feet away. But we're not expecting too many people, so it should be pretty easy.

Right. I mean, not a bad way. Just, you know, Palmdale. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening