Nerd Poker - Episode 7 - Did the Wrong Thing, But Oh Well

Episode Date: May 31, 2017

Ever watch Innerspace and wish you could be inside Martin Short’s nose while he died of a sinus infection? Well you're about to find out as a monstrously congested Ken Daly somehow manages to fellate the microphone without anyone else noticing or stopping him. Sorry about that, for real. Oh, and also the party delves deep into the castle of Count Ahmelegdha, hoping to free his servants and get all the credit for it. Will they survive the cellar halls? Will Ken spring for some antibiotics? Only time will tell. 

Hey, it's Brian, and you're about to listen to episode 7 of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Thanks again for listening, and once again I want to apologize for any sound issues you might experience. Still the one mic, as far as I know in this one, Ken's not eating, but he might still be breathing into the mic. Oh, and there was that banana eating contest we had in the middle of the episode, so that might not go well for you. Just kidding. But once again, thanks for listening. Follow us on Patreon and all that.

More bonuses coming up very soon. I'm in Vermont this week. Come see me in Vermont. BrianPassane.com for any details. And then I'm in Baltimore and Pittsburgh next week. Come see me in Vermont. BrianPoussain.com for any details. And then I'm in Baltimore and Pittsburgh next week. Alright, thanks. Hey, it's Brian Poussain. I used to have a podcast where I

played Dungeons and Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. guest or two and we're gonna be playing in a new setting my dining room each week you'll hear my wife my son my dogs we're gonna be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life Dungeons & Dragons we've got fifth edition and we're ready so are you ready here's Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. That's Ken Daly. Hiya. Dan Telfer. Hi, Fred.

And Blaine. Hi. And Casio. Hi, Casio. I feel like I have a really bad batting average of putting food or drinks in my mouth right before I should be talking. I think most of the time I see Hardwick at midnight

like I've just shoved a whole Cocoa Krispies treat into my mouth and I'm like, hi famous rich friend. You know my favorite thing about the podcast is salted caramels. I always enjoy a good salted caramel right before a podcast starts

I'm kidding I don't think salts are being caramel I think it should be punishable by death extra salt it ruins caramel I think it's delicious well you're wrong you mean the extra sprinkled salt

because salt is an ingredient in caramel yeah when they salt it oh someone was Dr. Yeah, when they salt it. Oh, someone was... Dr. Strange. Yeah, I haven't seen it yet still. Dr. Strange uses that salt. Yep. Yeah, it does. Rogue One is the only grown-up movie I've seen in the last year.

Nice. But it was good, boys. It was worth it. Holy shit. Totally worth it. It was not a kid's movie, and yet my son loved it. Good. Yeah, my daughter's still too wimpy for it, I think.

It would freak her out. She says she's ready for a dark story, but given that we left The Force Awakens with her, we were walking past a line of people. We saw a 7.30 showing on opening day, and there, the 10 o'clock showing people in line around the block. As we're walking past them, my daughter bursts into tears and screams, Why did they have to kill us? Oh, no, no. Oh, my God.

Sorry if I just ruined that for Rhodes. He saw it. Okay, good, good, good. Sorry if I woke him up, period, with my weird impression of my daughter. So, last week. Last week. What a stereo. Our heroes were invited to the castle of...

Hairstrains. Of Count Amalegda. Stereo me buck. And, yeah, you opted not to dine with him for some reason. I don't know why you would turn down such an opportunity. We would be the dinner. I didn't want to go into a locked room with him.

That was my whole thing. I think that's a good call. Just as your friend, I think you made a good choice for your longevity. I made it to 50 because having a high stranger danger Is that what you credit it to? Yeah, yeah. I'm on the road

a lot of people. Hey man, come back to my apartment. No, I'm good. I want to show you this great lampshade. I'm next to your man. But yeah, you did. Let me swing by my room and pick up my dental records. despite your let me swing by my room and pick up my

dental records despite your stranger danger you are however willing to break into a castle basement in the middle of the night so your friend

Lekas the dragonborn cleric is off distracting who you think might be the your babysitter while you were goingitter While you were going You said you were going to go camp

Outside the castle walls Right You've just entered a dark passage He's with that creepy kid He is with the creepy kid What do you do now? And games and music That's very dramatic What do you do now?

That's very dramatic. You also hear some bloop of water in your ass dripping in the blackness. None of you have lit a torch yet.

We don't need to. How far ahead? What do we see? You see an actually very short hallway, and it branches off in two directions. Doors? There's a door to the right, and what appears to be a small room to the left.

What do we see in the small room? Did you scan it just from the hallway? Yeah, it looks like it used to be a wine cellar. You see racks of dusty and broken bottles. Okay. There's another door at the end of the wine room. Oh, there's another door. the end of the line room. Oh, there's another door. It's very small.

You two taller gentlemen are having to sort of duck under the ceiling. Do you want to check the one to the right or the one inside the one where it... Why is it so small? Maybe I assumed it was to the right, but the way I'm picturing it... Yeah, okay, so let's say you're in... I'm sorry, I'm theater school, you guys. I'm very good at projecting. And wanting to be the center of attention. So you're in this room, and as you entered, you saw over here to your right, there was a door. Sort of in a little, you have to kind of look in a little bit, sort of like an impression and then a door. You have to kind of look in a little bit. It's sort of like an impression and then a door.

And then over here to your left, you sort of go around the corner and there's a dark wine and at the other end of that sort of if you almost do a complete U-turn underneath the courtyard there's another door. Let's check out the first door

before we go to the wine room. Supply closet. A rotten mop bucket. Okay, that's it. A rotten mop bucket. Okay. The remains of a mop. It said in the wine room, right? Sure.

We'll move kind of quickly, right? We don't know how long that... How long, I guess, can keep the distraction going? Yeah, how long? You get to the other end and you open that door. It's unlocked. Yeah. Long hallway this time and another door.

No hallway. Mavis just farted with her mouth. That was weird. That was pretty great. She's a bear, she's part bear Oh my god, we used to talk about how big she was on the podcast, but now she's here It is like having a large forest predator

camping out As big as she was supposed to be These dogs get to be 110 She's 110? Her fur is so long when she lays down she just looks like this she's a Bernese Mountain Dog every mom my gosh the sweetest you are a beautiful puppy is giant um so yeah there's one more door down this little

mini hallway it It's locked. Okay, I'll get on the picking. Go for it. Checking for traps. You do feel like there's something on the other side of the door that's rigged. Oh, okay. The lock, however, you feel like you could almost snap with your bare hands. Right.

It seems like a very old door. The lock was locked long ago. But you feel when you check it for traps you feel. I'm going to take my extended mirror and put it under the door. You see there's some sort of crude

metal device attached to the top of the door on the other side. But I can't tell what it is really? What do I have to do to help? It looks like it's perhaps spring-loaded. You don't know how old it is though. Can we open the door and catch something?

No, we could probably try to jar the door from a distance, throw a rock at it or something. Might set it off since it's old and shitty. Is there anything heavy I can throw at the door? Throw them a ways away? If you go back in the wine room, you could

pick up a shelf or a bottle or just a small table you could get in there. Bottle, I think. I'll try a bottle first. Alright, so you whip it at the door? Whip it at the door as far away as I can. The bottle explodes. Not literally, but it doesn't take much because it feels like a really old bottle.

It pops kind of loudly because of all the pressure in there. Door's still there, as it was. Nothing happens. All right. You can see a mechanism in there? You saw some kind of steel mechanism on the other side. Yeah. At the time.

It's still, even with his night vision, he couldn't really tell how old the metal was or anything like that. You know, I'm going to, I have a mage hand. It's a little cantrip I can lay out. Cool. Where I make a little hand appear. I love it. And I'm just going to jam it in there.

Into the door? I usually use it when I go under, like suddenly stick my hand under logs and houses. You're going under the door with this? Yeah. You can just try opening the door. I could try opening the door. It is, the contraption's at the top of the door.

Sure. I'll just... I'll just try to open the door from a distance. I'll just go up and... Yeah. Rattle the top of it? Yeah. I'm going to try to cut this trap off.

Do you need to do any rolls for this? I think that's pretty much it. Great. Okay. So you cast Mage Hand. It gives you a thumbs up. It's very cool. You grab the top seam of the door and you rattle it and all of a sudden this big metal

spike just goes through the wood and just sort of sits there. But it clearly was meant to take out somebody's head. Trap sprung. Let's go open the door. Not too hard to open now. The wood's pretty splintered. In fact, the trap, as it crashed, it kind of broke off a little bit. I'm going to high-five my Mage Hand.

Gives you a little high-five, tries to go down low. It's like an episode of the Groovy Goonies. Denied by my own Mage Hand. I'll remove the door. I'm going to have my Mage Hand for the rest of the spell. My Mage Hand's going to sit on my shoulder, sort of like Thang. Bodhi walks over, pulls the door off its hinges with one hand, and just sort of crumples the door, throws it aside, and the pilot sawdust.

What's that here? For our listeners, Tweed just did a take to his mage hand, which is sitting on his shoulder, and then to the camera, which isn't here. Someday. Perhaps. Listeners, one day you'll have visual. It's really hard for my shoulder to do. So, you head on through this door.

This time you hear, there's like another hallway, and to the right there. There's more darkness and dropping, but you feel like there's something... That's a plane. You feel like there's something more active to the left. There's a hint of maybe a torch around a couple more corners if you were to head to the left, but the hallways go pretty far in both directions, sort of darkness to the right, skittering and faint head to the left. But the hallways go pretty far in both directions. Sort of darkness to the right,

skittering and faint glowing to the left. What do you guys think? Skittering. Let's go to the light. Okay. Yeah? Yeah.

As you approach sort of a right turn, there's a sort of hard 90 degree turn in this hallway, and you get a sense there's definitely torches not too far down

the other end of this corner. Everybody do a perception check, please. 11. I'm good. 300. Um, did you? Hmm? Nine? You rolled a 13. You're over. Yeah, yeah, I'm over. I did. Yeah. Did you?

Nine? You rolled a 13. You're over. Yeah, I'm over. I did. So, Tom, you get a weird vibe right as you approach the corner and you stop in your tracks. Bodhi, you take just a half a step past them, and all of a sudden, the side of your face, your knee, your calf, and your right arm all feel like they're stuck in something. But you don't see anything in front of you.

Oh, no. Oh, no. It's going to be something slimy or cuby. A gelatinous cube or a slime. Get out. So I pull? Go for it. Do a strength check. Okay.

Yeah. What did you roll? A 15. Great. Yeah. What'd you roll? 15. Great. You needed to do 12. So you pull back. Roll three.

Actually, can someone give me three sixes? Thank you, thank you. Sorry, I'm borrowing dice this week. It's alright. And last. Bodhi, you take... Uh-oh. Eight acid damage.

Fuck. I took some acid damage at Bonnaroo, bro. So, uh... You can't... Right? No, that's... Go ahead, thank you. So your facial hair kind of pisses off on the right side of your face. Yikes.

Yeah, and you don't get any damage to your armor, but your skin is white hot pulling out of this thing. Yikes. You're not going to have to get that laser treatment this week. You have a torch, right? Yeah. You can light this thing on fire or whatever it is. As you start lighting the torch,

you all kind of see a very thin, transparent thing start to move towards you. Get away, get away, get away. It's closer and closer. Get away, get away, get away. It's closer and closer. Get away, get away, get away. Why aren't you cute?

Maybe get out of here. Yeah. How do you kill it? I don't know. Are you going to try something? No, I got nothing to try. Arrow's not going to do shit. I will say this is a narrow hallway, so this thing is about the size of Bodhi all things considered.

Oh, I see. Shit. These things can, not to say more than I need to, but these things can be a lot bigger. But it's blocking the entire path in front of you. I'm going to try to set it on fire. Go for it. I'm going to also retreat. A retreatful fire.

We're mad at it. We're mad at it. I don't blame you. So you light a torch, you stick it in there. I rolled a 20. Nice. Really? you stick it in there really all right so you stick the torch in there and as you do you kind of manage to get a little pocket of air in there with it and you notice as you do it oh that was a good thing and fire, instead of extinguishing as it sort of goes in there, starts to kind of bubble and pop around.

And you don't kill this thing, but squealing noises come out of the hole that you made, and it's starting to turn black and kind of like veins coming out of the area that you stuck the torch in. Yucky. I'm going to throw up a little thing called a firebolt. Go for it.

And I'm going to make a ranged spell attack. A three. It's right in front of me, right? Mm-hmm. I'm going to roll a three. So your fireball goes in and it turns more black still doesn't die

still approaching you and listeners if you hate my wife's bowls that we're rolling in I'll sell you some wooden trays soon Earwolf has all our old stuff our tower and our wood tray So we could use a new one

Yeah Get something Metal No but like Metal-y You know what I'm talking about Lekas isn't with us is he No Lekas

You guys want him to be Tom Lekas isn't with us, is he? No, Lekas. You guys want him to be Tom Lekas. Lekas! So bad. Oh, really? No, he's still out distracting, hopefully, the Watcher, the child. I was at the LA Kings game last night. Oh, God. That was the old racist.

Okay, because I was thinking, you know, he's a dragon and he can do a fire breath and stuff, but forget it. It's still advancing on you. You don't have a whole lot of hallway behind you, so. Before things get, you know, uncharted territory anyway. You feel like it could back you up to the door you broke through in about three, four minutes. Okay, but that's okay. We can go back through that door, right? Yeah.

We can run away from it. Yes. Can we set up... Oh, can we light something on fire in front of it so it doesn't cross that line? Didn't he just throw a fireball at it? Yeah, but can we light some furniture or something on fire and throw it down in front of it? Sure. Let's do that.

A table or a shelf or something and light it on fire. Go for it. Or throw it down in front of it. You guys grab that table that you saw. Sure. And you light it on fire go for it down in front of it ah you guys grab that table that you saw sure and you light a fire so from the news it doesn't doesn't pass over it that's good so it's stuck in slot a bunch of what looks like burned scars in it burn it some more sure oh how about some oil I'm your first oh not me I'm out if somebody else has to do it hmm I took my turn I think you're up buddy mm-hmm does anybody else have oil you don't have it in a kit don't you have

some time I said it's worse kid yeah, you got explores kid. You've got some yeah, okay cool Just like splashed across the whole front of the queue maybe yeah, so whole thing turns black when you light it And the fire goes out relatively quickly, but now you really feel like you've toasted the marshmallows so to speak and It's not dead, but it's starting to squeal kind of loudly, like a sappy... Shut up, squealing thing. I don't remember ever fighting one of these things. No, you never have. It's kind of a game of our own.

It's old school. It's a classic. Much like a beholder. Does it take sword damage? I mean, traditionally, yeah. It's acid. It depends. It's going to fuck up your sword, yeah.

I'm picturing gelatinous. Gelatinous acid. Wow. I think fire is the best tactic. In Europe, anyway. Fire cleansing. Yeah. All right.

My turn's gone. I have an idea for my next turn. Tweed doesn't do that. You're up, Tweed. You have a sword, right? Yeah, I was going to say a sword on fire. Or no, you have a torch, right? Yeah.

I'm going to take his torch with my little mage hand, and I'm going to just sort of take the torch and wave it around all over this thing and torch it from the bottom and the top and just get right up next to it. You know what, it doesn't resist and you do manage to eventually just burn the shit out of this thing. And then the Mage Hand just goes back

and hands the torch back to you. It gives you one of these. It starts to dissolve and bubble a little bit. You see there's some space over the top now where you could potentially jump over it. Do you want to wait until it turns into a molten puddle? Yes.

We'll jump over it. Sure. How about jumping over this thing? So, yeah, it burns down. It kind of carves a little acidic step down into the ground. The ground is cobblestone and some of the stone is burned away where this thing bubbled down.

So you guys can probably proceed over and maybe test it first if it's still burning. Anything you touch it with seems to at least hiss. Okay, so we're going to throw something over it.

Is there some planks we can lay over it to walk over? Okay, so we'll lay down some planks. Why don't everybody just do a little dex check? Ready? Noise. Yes. I did a one on my dex.

I managed to look so cool while I was... Bouncing. Yeah. Basically. Yes, I could. I could. I speak the language. Nice.

How'd you do, Brian? What was I trying to do? Under. Under. Under. Under. Under. Under.

Under. Yeah. Did you learn a lot more? No. I'm over. Uh-oh. Let's take a break and then find out what happens. This is the kind of action I always use.

Yes. Very cool. Super slick. Talking to his heartstrings. This font was designed by Rolly Crump, who did a lot of stuff for the Haunted Mansion. Oh. Super familiar. Yeah, font.

That's Rolly. Cool. So, I don't want to die, but what happens? So, you want to head around this? Oh, that's right, you just slipped. I just missed my dex check. You put a boot square in the sort of bubbling stuff, and you turn your ankle a little bit.

Jeez. So you take two points of damage. Not a lot left. Anybody a healer? Lekas is. Oh, cool. Great. We should get back to him.

But you manage to get your footing again, and you head around this corner. But you managed to get your footing again And Yeah you can head around this corner You guys actually Picked the His acid damage actually counts as hit points Yeah I mean it burned through your boot Like the side of your boot is a little fucked up now

So yeah if you were potentially To take another hit to the foot You would not be in good shape And you might have a little trouble going for a full sprint right now. But yeah, you guys are officially in the basement of the castle and you feel like you've gotten past some of the more decrepit stuff and you're approaching maybe an area that's being actively used by the Count. You go around this corner, there are indeed torches after a small archway. You see a staircase going up. You think this might be at least near this sort of great dining hall that was in the keep.

There's also a sort of gilded door next to the stairwell. Hmm. Gilded door next to the stairwell. Hmm. Gilded door? Check for traps. Well, yeah, obviously. Oh, are you sure? I don't like no gilded doors.

This door seems much stronger than the last one. And there doesn't seem to be any natural traps in the door. Natural traps? Well, when you sort of put your hands around it, you get a weird sort of grip on the doorknob itself. It doesn't have a traditional doorknob.

It's got kind of a latch you've got to kind of pull up. And it doesn't really feel like it pulls up the way it's supposed to. You're not really sure how to open this door you can't tell if it's supposed to go in or out or what but it's it's uh coated in metal this whole door and um gold uh no it just kind of looks like steel okay like a sort of dull matted kind of metal. Kind of a safe or something. Let's worry about this later. Unless it's his bedroom. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's where we wanted to go. Let's keep looking around. Yeah, okay. I mean, if I try... Up the stairs? If I try the door, I just can't figure out how to open it. Is that what you're saying? I feel like if you messed around with it a little bit, you might be able to.

Is that evil or anything? I don't think any of you guys have detected evil. Danger sense. That works. Sure enough, little tinglys on your neck go up when you get near the door. You don't feel like it's the door itself, but maybe

something behind it. My neck was like that around the count. And how were your back, your pussy, and your crack? Would you like them to be licked by a vampire? It's a popular reference, but I don't know that song. The first time I

heard that song, which I believe the chorus is my neck my back lick my pussy and my crack it was in a mashup with the Thomas the Tank engine The worst thing you'd ever heard. Yeah, Luke Skywalker. Yeah, yeah. Here we go, you guys. We can just have those.

We can take Luke real quick. Yeah. That's great. He's going to hear his favorite TV show. I'm going to be like, Dad? I love that song. I got to watch him jerk off. Put that to power.

It wasn't the most... Two Life Crew was like, pop that coochie and stuff. Not very obscene. So what are you guys doing? Grab those cheese. Yeah, doors and the stairs. A door and a stair. Well, maybe you are sensing danger of him behind the door?

So what do you think we should do? You think we should try to open it? I'm just worried about the door being dangerous. And I only have five hit points. Yeah. Everybody roll a perception check. Oh, yeah.

Maybe we can go back and tell Lekas. Four yes. Three yes. It's under your intelligence, right? Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. You hear some rustling

At the top of the stairs Beyond the top of the stairs Not a big flight of stairs Like kind of one floor But On the landing above You hear some You want to work the knob

Or you want to go get Like us You work the knob That's what I'm asking here Do you want me to work the knob Yeah I really want you to work the knob Alright I'm going to Fucking work the shit Out of the knob. That's what we're asking here. Do you want me to work the knob? Yeah, I really want you to work the knob. Alright, I'm going to fucking work the shit out of the knob. Tom, you feel like there is some sort of latch mechanism here.

If you twist it, you can get it open the old-fashioned way, you think? Alright, I'm going to twist the knob and try to get it the old-fashioned way. If I can twist the knob while jiggling the ball, they'll never leave the house. 19. That's not a pass. So let's say it'll be at least two minutes before you can get this thing open. All right.

Is that your door-opening refractory? Tom, you get a sense you can for sure open it, but you miss a sort of window of perception. Right. Your wrists are unable to sort of get... Let me spit on my hand while I'm working the knob. It'll help get it open quicker. You notice a black wolf

is now at the top of the stairs. Oh, hi. That's him. A black wolf is at the top of the stairs. Yeah, it's our friend. It's him. It's him. The music didn't change for a black wolf coming at the top of the stairs. Yeah, it's our friend. It's him. It's him. The music didn't change for a black wolf coming in the room yet? I'm just trying to get my head around what's about to happen.

I'm still spitting on the knob. Starts walking down the stairs very slowly. I'm working the knob. Let's see. So you're at the door Tom Bodhi I feel like you're still sort of In the lead here a little bit

Just because you're the Tank, as it were, even if you got beat up A little bit, so The wolf approaches you What do you want to do? Oh, damn We got a situation Yeah, what do I get a sense of Oh, damn. We got a situation. Yeah, what do I get a sense?

I mean, it's a silent black wolf approaching you. It's normal size. What's your situation sense say? I tell the wolf to halt. It doesn't listen to you. Stop, wolf. Tweed, you want to do anything about this?

I'm going to look at my mage hand. Mage handy. Mage hand. Get in that thing's throat and fuck with it, it's up to GLaDOS. Yeah, you're going to try and choke out this wolf? My mage hand is going to go into the wolf's mouth and kind of get back at the little uvula thing that hangs down the back of my throat. Just grab it and hold on tight. Yeah?

Yeah. Alright, well you grab onto it, but it is not budging as easily as you'd like. It is a little sort of distracted and like looking at what it's doing, but you're not hurting the wolf. You're not moving the wolf and it's still kind of focused on bogey what's happening with the knob how's the knob going it's gonna be i mean let's just say 30 seconds have passed it's gonna be another 90 seconds before you can do anything all right you want to go back it's not growling but it's ears go flat against the back of its head

it's horrible that little puppy dog give me that little puppy dog I kind of want to swing on it it's a vampire oh you think it's a vampire yeah it's him I dare you to do something

see did the wolf just say that I dare you to do something. See? Did the wolf just say that? Should we retreat or should I? The wolf is still descending the stairs, and you get the impression it's going to do something soon. A dance. I've got to stay ready. Yeah?

Yeah. You have to pop the top off a javelin and uh cool um it starts to uh sniff your leg

where the acid had burned you oh its ears are still flat against the back of its head it's just a nice little doggy okay little puppy

you doing anything? I'm gonna pop I'm gonna pop I'm gonna pop I'm gonna pop Are you? Go for it Okay, roll two attacks

Can you loan me a 29? Is that anything? A what? A nine? He was just sniffing you. Nice little goofy. I don't like anything in this building. The wolf reacts with lightning speed,

and you manage to dig the javelin into the opposite shoulder you'd intended to because it's kind of rolled onto its back on the stairs, but it's got its teeth onto its back on the stairs. But it's got its teeth around the javelin and it's now fighting you for control of it. Oh, okay. Jesus. It's not making any... Working the knob.

Working the knob. Working the knob. Working the knob. You've got it pinned against the floor, basically. I'm going to put my boot on its neck and apply pressure. I sure would like to see you try. I want to to put it in my boot on its neck and apply pressure. I sure would like to see you try. I want to.

Do it. Yeah. 18. Oh, yeah. Well, so, you get a good splat against the side of its head. No blood comes out, but it makes a sort of wet crunching noise. And, yeah, you dig your heel in a little bit. It's still struggling really hard.

What do you guys want to do? Silently. Still silent. No. Its throat makes no sound. Okay. It's a meat wolf. These guys get to consider their...

I'm going to stab and stomp at the same time. You kind of are right now. I know, but to finish the job, I'm going to have to wait. First, I want to see what these guys want to consider that. I stab and stomp at the same time. You kind of are right now. I know, but to finish the job, I'm not going to. First, I want to see what these guys want to do. I think actually you're up, Tom. If I shoot an arrow at it, is it going to... I'm a large head. You can't pull an arrow off of me.

You're at the bottom of a stairwell in a corner. I'm just working the door. I am. Working the knob. I'm working the knob with a spit.. In a corner. I'm just working the door. Working the knob. I'm working the knob with a spit. Slopping. Slopping on the knob. I'm slopping the knob.

Yeah, I just want to give Tom and Tweed one more round to consider their options. He's still working the door. Tweed, are you going to try anything? I'm working harder and faster. Do I feel like this thing needs to get killed? Yeah. I think it's getting killed. Feels like a guard dog.

Or a vampire, you're not sure. Or both. If Charles Nelson Reilly was a wolf. Hasn't done anything Charles Nelson Reilly-y yet, this wolf.

Smelled his leg nicely. Kindly. I'm going to... I'm too much of a pacifist for D&D. Me. I just want to be nice. I'm going to draw my sword and just sort of cut right into it. Go for it. I actually pull back like I worried about being too psyched you are being pretty gentle with this

thing because Mavis is sleeping your legs you've got a cane inner affection it's a 11 spinner spinner chicken dinner winner She is totally out. So 11, I have a... Do I have a plus 2 to hit on with Dexterity, or... I don't have anything with Strength. I have a proficiency bonus of plus 2. Does that hit 11? Yep, it's a hit.

This thing's pinned to the ground, so you cut its belly open, because it's kind of like on its back, and you see a sort of black opening on its stomach. Really? No blood. Yuck. What are you going to do there, buddy? Is it dead? Nope. No.

It's still writhing around trying to Use it's teeth to pull the javelin out of it's shoulder Your boot is planted in the side of it's head We got a silver to throw in it's hole You haven't crushed it's skull But you feel like maybe Because you're a pretty strong guy You could kind of

Give it a heave ho this round Yeah Put it all in your boot Final thrust down Yeah Oh yeah That's not a good one round yeah put on your boot go final thrust down I hear a wet snap under your boot but that's all it's still struggling how's that dog coming I feel like you've almost got it open maybe one one more turn. Hopefully there's a terrible monster right on the other side of it.

I'm going to pull my mage hand out of its throat and I'm going to send a mage hand flying into this thing's belly and just start kind of...

It's already kind of healing up a little bit. There's a mayfly the size of my hand up on the... Hi, buddy. Hi. Either that or that's the mosquito that will end the civilization. Come with me if you want to live.

You feel like you could get a mage finger in the hole, but it's already kind of closing up magically. Dirty. Finger in the hole. Can I take another swing at this thing? Sure. Can I aim for its gut again? Yeah.

My girlfriend's watching Tyler Perry's Halloween. I'll do that. As soon as this thing slices open, I'm going to send the mage hand in. Sounds good. If worse comes to worse, the mage hand will come out its asshole. You get the mage hand in there, and it just feels wet. Yeah, it does.

No sign of organs. It feels kind of like a thick, gristly pudding in there. Yeah, shit. A thick, gristly pudding in there. Yeah, shit. You don't like this sort of psionic texture you're getting fed back from your mage hand right now. Yeah. Doesn't feel like there's a solid intestine to grab in there. By the way, I'm trying to narrate as best I can while Ken is fighting Mothra in the corner.

Oh, he made a boomerang, that's cute. You're up, Bodhi. I try to put my weight on again. Go for it. At this point that'll do. You smush its skull Flat Still struggles though Its jaw doesn't shut anymore But it's trying to sort of snap Its mouth

Oh is he gonna do it Is Brian gonna do it Oh Oh He killed the biggest fucking bug I've ever seen in my life Oh Jesus Oh god Oh, he killed the biggest fucking bug I've ever seen in my life. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God. When you knock on the floor. Did it fall down? I don't know what I knocked behind. I can see your butt. I can see your butt. Any time of the week. Oh, God.

So how's Matt's best friend doing? Maybe she's great. She didn't like the noise. Matt's deadest friend. Mavis she's great She didn't like the noise The wolf's head is kind of Smashed right now But it is as lively as ever Trying to take it's broken jaw Around the javelin in it's shoulder Which it seems much more concerned about

Oh my god How's the door Door pops open. Ta-da! And certain death behind. What do we see inside? Well, you can see what looks like a few steps down and then some sort of chamber. Uh-huh.

But you'd have to leave these guys behind. It's a narrow hallway. And right now, Brian's still got this flailing skull-crushed wolf pinned under a javelin. I'll give it a minute. The door's open. What do you want to do with this thing? Skull-crushed wolf.

I'm going to continue crushing the skull. Not much left to crush, I'll tell you. But it's still alive, huh? You've got to get that steak into its heart. Yeah, okay, so I put the javelin through its heart. Turns to ashes. Okay, good. Boom, let's go inside.

Yeah. Bring your steaks. Uh, yeah. What do you want to, how do you want to prep for walking into this chamber? How many steaks do we have? I kind of wish I could get some heal going with a lecus.

Kind of in the thick of it. Yeah, I know. Can you... How far does the hand go? Can you send the hand out? Yeah, do you have the range on that thing? Give him the perfume. Perfume hand.

I can make some carrot soup. We'll look that up. Let me see if I have any sort of messaging service. It looks like it's task oriented. There's not really like a distance on it. I'm guessing it's just visual range. Let's just say that. If you can see it, you can do it.

You're going to descend the stairs. Are you going to... Descend or ascend? Descend. There's like 10 steps down. You're already sort of in the basement. This is like sort of a sub-basement chamber. Let's be quiet.

Yeah. You've got your javelin with the metal cap popped off. You want to distribute it more? What do you want to do? You want to break it in two so two of us have them? Yeah. Well, I have a couple of javelins. Okay, let's each take one. Yeah, I think you've got three javelins. Let's each have a javelin.

Great. Is that okay? Yeah. Alright. Cool. Well, you head down and sure enough, you see an open box, a wooden box, very old wooden box, sort of of the age and quality of the door that you smashed earlier, the old, old one, not the cat sleeping in it. He sure is. Okay.

Right in the chest. Hands crossed across his chest. Right in the chest. Sleeping bliss across his chest. Right in the chest. Sleeping blissfully. Kill him. Yep. I got this far. What the fuck? Just plunge it right in there? Yep. Right in the old heart of Rudy. Why don't you just roll for the fuck of it? Just for the fuck of it.

Uh, nine. So, it goes right through his sternum and he wakes up. Oh, shit. That's what he says. He goes, oh, shit! He starts expressing just regret that you guys would do this.

And you get the impression he is absolutely pinned. You see just a split second of him struggling madly without being able to move. He just kind of whips his arms in his head and you notice right in the middle of his sternum he doesn't move at all. So you feel like you've kind of got him dead to rights.

And yeah, he says, Oh, this is unnecessary. Unnecessary. Very rude. Can I throw weight into it? There's a lot of options you have. Yeah, I want to sink it deeper. I'm going to talk to him and ask him questions.

Okay, go ahead. I don't know what to ask, really. Who will we have? Is there a talk to him and ask him questions. I don't know what to ask, really. Who to... What do we have? Is there a head vampire on this island? No? We already kind of asked that.

You did, but you can ask him now that he's pinned. Maybe he'll be a little more answery. Of course, of course. Someone make me a vampire. Yeah, the merchant, you said but did the merchant leave the island or I don't think so no who is the merchant he is the demoleth

the demoleth where's that where's that guy he's nowhere and everywhere fuck one of these he has transcended the needs of physical form. Is he transdimensional? I guess we had heard about him sort of earlier, haven't we? Yeah, you heard

Gago the fairy talk about him. Gago. Right. And is that the most powerful vampire? Yeah, I mean he's not even really a vampire anymore. He's a devil.

He's just sort of hanging around. Huh. Why isn't he... Why aren't you dead? Because I'm hundreds of years old. I know, but we stuck a... You stuck a thing right in your thing. I mean, really.

You could kill me. It wouldn't be that hard. I'm mostly dead at this point. I'm sorry. 19. You just chuck him through? I just bleed into it. Puff these ashes.

I miss that guy. I liked him. I liked him. He was alright. You think so? I don't care. Alright, let's look around his room. Fucking ransacked this fucking place.

There's not a whole lot of obvious valuables. I feel like I did the wrong thing but no, I'm guessing the entire city is going to be free. You do hear, you do hear some commotion up in the stairs, up the stairs. You do hear some commotion up the stairs. Okay. Okay.

So we don't find anything in the room though. No, I mean, you're actually kind of disappointed by, like, it not being as flashy as his outfit. I'll show this guy. All right, well, are there any other doors in this room? No. Single entrance. All right, let's head back out.

Conscious of this sound we hear upstairs. Are you going to go out the way you came, or are you going to head up the stairs? I think it might be smarter to go back out the way we came, right? We hear a commotion up the stairs. Oh, okay. Then let's head up the stairs. There's

someone dressed in a very formal butler's costume, rifling through all the drawers and knocking furniture over. Let's know he's free. Yeah. Is he looking for something?

That's what it seems like, yeah. Okay. Grab, what are you looking for? What? How did you get here? Who are you? We just saved your ass. Saved me?

Yeah, we killed him. You killed him? We killed him. Thank God. You have to find my books. What books? My books. This used to be my castle. Ah. What are you? Are you a duke, a lord, or something?

He tells you that the count was the vampire who turned him. He had been a slave there For many many years Oh wow how many think Other people as this guy turned He starts to get annoyed with you And goes back to looking at you Wow

Thanks for nothing He seems very gaunt and weak Yeah What did he he my sandwich? He doesn't seem well. Oh. You get the impression that if this truly was his castle, he perhaps has been some sort of undead servant for longer than normal lifespan,

and he might be pulling a little bit of a chosen poorly grail thing going on. Sure enough, you don't have to go very far before the guy just sort of keels over. Well, let's find his books. Yeah. Yeah, let's rifle through his stuff. More people start coming in the castle, and they start rifling through everything.

They don't disintegrate like this guy. But it seems like people are straight up looting this castle with you. Everybody's kind of pissed. You recognize a couple of people from the encampment. Let's get the word out that we are the cause of this.

Yeah, Lekas comes in and says the kid ran off. All of a sudden wants a scoop on what happened I assume you guys will Tell him Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, he says this place probably Does have magic in it somewhere

However, he's concerned Because He got the impression this guy was a part of the network Of vampires And it's, you know know the middle of the night on the usenet that's where the vampires are on the usenet yeah yeah he's like

yeah he says he's game to look around the castle with you but you know based on what he knows of the undead when you kill a high ranking member of the undead who claims to know other members of the undead and it's the middle of the night and you're in its territory like there's a chance something else could go wrong

sure he just said something else could go right yeah he lays hands on you for I get an eight. An eight. I can't remember here. Seven points. One of my 20s is good. My 20. Oh, no, it's there. Never mind. I got it. We can add seven back there.

Okay, cool. And, yeah, so there's a dining table set up in this room. There are sort of like a crescent staircase in both directions that lead up to a mezzanine area. And then some bedrooms or entertaining quarters or something upstairs. There's a really fancy red carpet under a really nice table and a couple of nice candelabras, but then a really fucked up old cobweb encrusted chandelier above you. And although there are torches on the wall, you feel like they haven't quite cleaned the upstairs area yet. So I take you on a head up there, look through the halls, look for some...

Books. For one. So I take it you want to head up there, look through the halls, look for some... Books. For what? Mm-hmm. Or any sort of jewels or anything? You find to the right there are a series of bedrooms. There's about eight guest bedrooms. Jeez. And servants' quarters.

They're all rather small small but they look very old and unused there's bookshelves in all of them with books in them there's a footlocker at the base of one of the guest rooms looking for a footlocker do you want to crack that sucker open

yeah you find some very old wealthy looking clothes that look like they could still probably hold up if you wanted to wear them but they're old old old clothes

and a set of throwing daggers I'll take those great so you if no one else cares of throwing daggers. I'll take those. Great. So you, if no one else cares, Tom, you're going to go ahead and add some throwing daggers.

Yeah, you can have them. I believe you've already got hand daggers, right? Yes, I have two hand daggers. So there'll be six throwing daggers and a little box these daggers are brought to you by Tesla Tesla you don't want to be see driving a Prius do all the books are super all the books are super old they're pretty boring nothing with any crazy writing or runes on oh no but you haven't checked the left side of the upstairs area let's check that I get over there there's um an entertaining den with a whole wall of books. Okay. And then a few more sort of servant's quarters

looking rooms. Let's look... Yeah, about seven minutes left. I'm just looking through the books, trying to find anything that's gonna make me a magic book or some sort of some gold lettering on it or anything fancy or unusual I sure you kind of comb over that you look over at the shelves and there are there's a section kind of like off to the right it looks like it's

magic it's good in there but it looks like uh really out of context weird old history like kind of magic like tales of local spells being created it's really strange some of it almost seems like it's in a different language it's so old you're not sure what any of it is you feel like you might need someone to help you translate this stuff I think we should grab some of these yeah mm-hmm let's say each you guys can probably carry three of these okay unhindered so all. All you guys want to grab some? Yeah. Yeah, why not? Three books each. So you, uh,

stack up on books, and just as you, you, uh, finish throwing them in your sack, um, you hear a scream outside.

Eugh. scream outside. Dun-dun-dun! Uh, so, let's head outside. No? Yeah, if you want to. I think we've... Legas immediately turns his head and he just leaves. Alright, let's go up.

I just hope we didn't miss anything awesome. Well, yeah. Do you want to keep looking? No, we can go outside. You notice there's a ring of people surrounding some sort of commotion, almost like a bar fight is going on.

Or a breakdance contest. Yeah, exactly. So there's some sort of breakdancing slash fight going on in the middle of a ring outside. Yeah, it's 50-60 people. They're all crowded around it. There's some people screaming, arguing with each other about what to do.

You can't see over them that well. What are they fighting about? I'd like to push... Blood-curdling screams coming from the middle. The fuck is happening? Let's go check it out, then. You get to the edge of the circle, and something is mauling a woman in the middle of it.

It looks like a wolf, but with sort of human arms and legs. Stab that thing in the chest. Yes, okay. We all got javelins. Sounds great, but should we go ahead and pause the action? Sure. Sure.

Till next time? Till next we next, yeah. We are. Okay, cool. Thanks for listening. We should, by the time you're listening now, well, obviously we're up and we'll start plugging things soon. We're getting close to recording and publishing. Yeah, yeah.

So we will have already been published and recorded by the time you hear this, way after the time we did that. They've started airing since last time we recorded. If it's still up, watch the High Court on Comedy Central with Doug Benson and tweet at Comedy Central that they should order a year's worth of episodes. Thanks for listening. Doc O'Shane. Oh, baby, Doc O'Shane.

Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Ceno, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. He's a doctor. He's a doctor.

He's a doctor. Doctor.