Nerd Poker - Episode 7 - Keg of Whispers

Episode Date: March 6, 2019

As the crew prepares to breathe the seaside air, they struggle with another one of Dan's damned puzzles. On the other side of a stone door lies Boazar, the home of Dargthur Sturry and his seaside pals, and perhaps oddest of all CIVILIZATION, something that Nerd Poker has had sparse amounts of in the past. Will the citizens all be named after extras in Aquaman? MAYBE.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode seven of season two. Three. Damn it. It is. Wow. Damn it. It is. Wow. I got the seven part right.

Episode seven of season three. Is Chris correcting me? Four. He's one of my friends. Hi. My friends are here. It's season four. It's really like 20.

If we count the old shit. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hello., if we count the old shit. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hello. Ken. Sweet eats Skittles. Dan.

Sweet eats Skittles. Blaine. Hi. At the end of the table, Sam, everybody. Hi, guys. Yay. You guys, Sam now has a mini. Oh, yeah.

Thank you for that, by the way. That's his... We bought him a Mini Cooper. That's his business. You don't want us to tell people that he has a mini? Well, yeah. I don't know if he would naturally jump in and say it, so I wanted to make him... Dan, he's making a joke about you saying he has a mini.

Because of my small penis, Dan. Which I was very clear about before the episode. I wasn't listening to the part of our pre episode chatter where you were talking about your jingle jangle micro penis energy. All right. Now I would, but we really got him a little. We'll put up a,

we got him a mini and now I get a backstory with this, right? Yeah. Okay. His name is, I already know his His name is Terry. And he, he got three DUIs in one summer.

So his community service, I have to follow you guys around and record this for at least 500 hours. I just want to, I'm just trying to get my kids back. Contextually. What were you doing? Since we live in a, this is a world that would not have a vehicle like that to operate.

Were you driving a carriage? You're driving a bird. I got three DUIs in one summer. And also to work this in, he's not just going to jump into the party, but Terry might just happen to be in the background of certain scenes. 400 hours starting now. He's holding microphones and wearing a denim jacket.

It's supposed to look like Sam. But his character name is Terry. He's wearing a t-shirt that says Sarah Paulson. Oh my gosh, we have to find a way to paint in really tiny letters Sarah Paulson on that t-shirt. Can I say I love the idea

of every scene of what is about to take place having a boom mic just barely in the shot. Like there's obviously like a crew right off to the, and it's Sam. I love it. I love the idea of a boom mic in every shot of this.

Speaking of things I love, I would like to thank some of our Patreons. Oh yeah, I love them too. Today I would like to thank the people who are pledging at $6.66. Thank you, Dick Tracy's Arctic Taint. Thank you, Dick Tracy's Arctic Taint. Thank you, Justin Jarbo.

And thank you, Nico Potdar, who is pledging at $6.68, which, as you know, is $6.66 with two fingers up your ass. Amazing. I like our fans. Thanks, me too. Yeah, so that's one of the new tears is it is it is that what you're i asked your permission to make it a tear but you haven't responded to any of my

emails okay so how is it how are people doing that on their own oh wow okay but i want to make it a tear because yeah we want to make that a tear that's all right all right well sounds like we need to throw that down before this episode yeah we got to figure out a tier because people are doing it on there. Yeah, we want to make that a tier. That's all right. Well, sounds like we need to throw that down before this episode. Yeah, we got to figure out a bonus. By the time this is airing, you guys will already be like, we saw that on Twitter. We'll make some sort of bonus for them. Awesome.

When I don't respond, just do it. Okay, cool. You're booked on a show in two weeks. Hey, thanks for co-signing on that car loan for me, Ryan. That's what my wife does. If I don't answer an email, she just says I'm doing it. Oh my God, I didn't realize that was... You're now doing a show.

I get it all the time. Are we Mormon married? Yeah, sure. Okay, cool. We're more than Mormon married. All right. You go to Paris, folks. I'm more than Mormon married.

When last we saw our adventurers, they had traveled... Oh, that guy again. Here he comes, Brian. Our adventurers traveled through a tunnel deep beneath Clottenheim, and they came to a stone door. Upon one of their backs,

Tick-Tock carried Hoshinka, a drow woman missing the bottom half of one leg, covered in ash, who appeared to have been in some sort of fire-based combat deep within the tunnels. They brought her, although her mind was obliterated, and she chattered through the tunnel, and at the stone door they believe the city of Bozor and the ocean lies. However, the stone door is sealed, dwarven riding upon it. None of them speaking dwarven.

And upon there our journey begins. Again, judgmental in the narration. Yep. So, Halcine, TikTok,

Queep, Dr. Uid, Darg Thurstury. Yeah. Gotta get this door open, right? Gotta get this door open. And Terry. Who?

Oh, Terry's not there yet. Just trying to get my kids back. I have to fluidly and organically work Terry into the story. Terry's not just all of a sudden bamfing there yet. I'm trying to get my kids back. I have to fluidly and organically work Terry into the story. Terry's not just all of a sudden bamfing into existence. I have to have some respect for people's willing suspension of disbelief. Wait for him to be worked in. Don't worry.

Don't worry. Terry's not being disregarded. I'm not against the premise. I want you to be enjoying his literal physical presence. He's not being Elzited. Mm-mm. That's a bonus episode reference, everybody, for Brendan Small's character,

who is repeatedly murdered and left for dead until people remember and snap out of their vaping haze. Do what you love. I know what you're talking about. You notice the Stonedore's dwarven language. It seems to be, I don't know, a lot of writing. It's not just one know one word but uh i believe queep you said you wrote it down for future reference none of you uh recognize it

immediately um and you don't see any words that seem to have recurred on the other dwarven writing that you've seen uh around i knock on the door uh it's heavy in stone and you're not sure it reverberates to the other side and nothing happens. I pound on the door. Silence. Hoshinka feels you knock on the door and she goes, come on in. Hi. This will get tiresome.

Can we just examine, look at it? Do an investigation check with advantage but it's just you i'm missing one of my new die oh no oh i know where it is you can roll second time it's with advantage so oh you're everyone's Is it your four? No. Oh, maybe, yeah. Yeah, I have it. Oh, good. 17. You look at the words over and over again, and everyone's trying to help you figure this out. You and Queep look really hard at what he's written,

and you think you see one word that recurs, but that's about it. Is it the? You have no idea. Can I try to speak the words out loud, or is it not like phonetically possible? It's phonetically very difficult. I mean, you look at it and you're not sure.

What language do we think it is? Sorry. You're almost 100% sure it's dwarven and I... Hoshinka, can you read these words? I turn around so she can... Looks like words. All right. Can I do an arcana check? What are you

Do you have arcana proficiency? Yeah a little bit Do you really? None of your business Yeah Down to plus but do you have a proficiency? Yeah I do have a proficiency Okay

Of course I've got a proficiency. Roll an arcana check, and I'll tell you if you see anything magical about the door. He is questioning you, doctor. 17. I mean, you just get the feeling just because it's kind of shut, and there's no obvious way to open it, that there might be a magic element to opening this door? I have a history proficiency. Okay. Did the history of these tunnels help me hmm why don't you do a history check

with advantage chris why don't you do i just got an idea sorry 14 um i mean you recognize that it's dwarvish uh you feel like you haven't heard of this particular dwarven city nor do these tunnels seem like they're really well traveled and looking at the door you feel like this might be uh something of um of uh how do i put this i don't know dwar Dwarven society, as far as you know, is not really known for being accommodating to other races. So you feel like it might be a deliberate almost fuck you that this door has dwarven things written on it.

But you all followed tracks here. You feel like other people have come through here without the help of those mercenaries that you first talked to when you came in the tunnel. So it feels like there should be an insultingly simple solution to this. Is there a latch latch or a hinge you don't see anything like that now you just see these words carved into the flat stone in front of you carved into the stone oh flat stone so it's not even a door really it's like an archway with yeah like this sort of stone wall inside of it but it you

feel pretty certain it's a door because there's short stone stair touch some of the words. How about I touch the word that repeats over and over and nothing happens. Can I ask you something as a dungeon master, Dan? Yes, sir, player. I can change

into a wild shape. You sure can an animal that I've seen before. Uh-huh. A wild animal. Can I consider an animal to be a dwarf? Very offensive. I'm trying not to be problematic about this,

but this is one of the discussions that came up a lot on my university. It's got to be a beast. It has to be a beast. Classified as a beast. A dwarf is not a beast. Are there any humanoid beasts we can think of that might trigger a door and allow us to go through?

I'm just trying to think of something that would make the door think it was something else. I try saying dwarves are awesome and then push on the bricks. make the door think it was something else. I try saying, dwarves are awesome. And then push on the bricks. Nothing. Fuck. This is going to be

a rough episode. We'll get to it. Nobody has a spell that could help here? I have... I drop to my knees and pray to Devalker. Okay, do a religion check. Oh, I have detect magic, and pray to devour. Okay, do a religion check. Oh, I have detect magic to by the way,

which I just remembered you detect magic on the door. Can I home in on the source of the magic on the door? It seems to be the slab in front of you. What was your religion check five? I don't even have a religion proficiency. So is there a lot? I would give you advantage if you had proficiency. Is there any kind of physical mechanism like a lock to pick or anything? I don't even have a religion proficiency so is there a lot I would give you advantage if you had proficiency is there any kind of

physical mechanism like a lock to pick or anything I don't see one now but dr. it would tell you that the whole slab seems magic and I would think that all of you would kind of be like okay so there's a magical element to making this thing do what I want it to do is there a skylight we could lower ourselves down into with a rope ladder uh you look around and there doesn't seem to be anything built into the cave here it's a rather small kind of vestibule and it seems pretty simple uh there's no hidden buttons that you can immediately see. There's no sort of... Can I do a perception check of the door, though?

Uh-huh. Okay. Even with my bonus, it's nothing. Damn it. You just see what looks like a lot of footprints going to and from this door. So if we lay our hands on the door, there's nothing?

I have an animal handling proficiency. Do I recognize the footprints as animals or humanoid? About the size of yours because some smaller, some bigger. I swing my sword at the door.

Do a strength check. 16. It cracks against it, and not even a speck of gravel flies off the stone as your sword collides with it. Is it just that none of us can speak Dwarvish? That's it? That's what's got us stuck here? Yeah, but can I try and sound out the word as best I can by looking at it?

You said the phonetics are too common. It's not close to Undercommon or any of the shit I know. Nope. Right now. List your languages besides Undercommon, though. Common, Elvish, Halfling, and Undercommon. Nah. Damn it.

I'm trying... I should have picked Dwarf. Yeah, how did none of us pick Dwarf? I just thought it was going to be an easy credit in school. I don't get a druid thing on this. Hoshinka,

have you seen anyone else come through recently? Well, as far as I can remember, I've just been hanging out with you guys. Can I call a friend? We can go back and climb up. Yeah, we'll have to go through the...

What are you trying to do? We're trying to get through this door. Hoshinka, here, look at what we're doing. See where we said, do you speak Dwarvish? Yeah. This is a magic door. We can't get through. What do you want?

What do you want? What? We want the door to open. Can you say- When you say open, the door begins to slide to the side. Dan. I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

I do. It worked. We're not here all episode looking at each other. What the fuck? This door is right along some cliffs along the ocean. So there is a pathway that just goes about 20 feet off the side of a seaside cliff, a stone path that leads down. And it looks like this is not a very visible area, even though people travel through here all the time. You feel like people must just walk through here

and stay open all the time and use this as sort of low-key travel as long as they don't stumble upon any goblins or other monsters in that tunnel. So yeah, you guys now can start walking. Hey, I would like everybody to do a little special something. You are now outside again. And this is an area that three of you in particular have been to before.

This is an area that Dr. Uid, Dargthyr, and Halseen would have been to. So I want the three of you to do a roll where it is add your charisma and your wisdom and then subtract two. And this is going to define how well you remember the area. Roll, add our modifiers, charisma and wisdom modifiers. Add your wisdom and charisma and wisdom modifiers. Add your wisdom and charisma modifier and subtract two.

Well. I rolled a one. I rolled a one too. Oh my God. So then I got four minus, plus four minus three. So we end up at a two. All right. What did you get, Brian?

I rolled a 14. Nice. Add six. Uh-huh. Minus two. So you got an 18. Yeah. Great.

I think we actually forgot stuff. So basically, the three of you do your best to look at the ocean, this cliffside, and place where you are in relation to Bozor. Darkthor, you have a lot of memories flood back, and you feel like you're okay. However, Dr. Uid and Halcine, you have a magically foggy memory. This seems to be caused by your time being frozen and it does seem magical in nature you almost feel like if you were to seek the help of someone powerful you might be able to rejog your memory but right now you feel like something uh physical in your brain almost is stopping you from reaching back and remembering everything you could about bozor i do have advantage against

being charmed if that matters unfortunately this has already taken place and it was you've already taken place i have it's true um and uh yeah there's uh this is something that you uh you can revisit in other areas or again can be cured under certain circumstances but right now you don't know what that would be you just sort of both of you are like oh i know i've been to bozor and you remember the name bozor and that's it uh dark through you feel like you're actually going to be able to place uh people's faces names maybe even some of their backstory as you uh travel through town with uh with my fey ancestry though can i help again uh diminish their magic, maybe? Would I be able to counter their spell? No, but I would say if they describe it to you... We're all half-elf.

We all have half-elf. Oh, right, okay. Yeah, I mean, just the three of you together might talk about it and figure out, yeah, there's spells that could maybe help with that. But Dagthyr thinks that he is special. We're all special. I'm just trying to help.

The path only really goes in one direction. It seems to head towards... Call me Sourboy. I'm coming across the table. I am saying nothing. Darkthor, you know where this is going. These cliffs head off to the west. You know the ocean

lies to the south. So as you head west, see um what almost looks like a familiar dock ward of bozor you head over there you see familiar looking uh fisheries boats uh don't look the same but it's vaguely familiar and you sort of feel the weight of the the the about 10 years have passed so you you you notice it looks a bit like you've gone home for the first time in 10 years and it's a little disturbing to see um there's also just this icy mist over the ocean washing over the dockward that you're not used to so it's things are a little bells uh they're dr hood i don't get out into the fog much.

You only walk along a little bit before a fisherman who is moving rope sees you all. And he runs over to you, Darkthor. And he says, Darkthor! Darkthor, is that you? And you recognize him. He is a fisherman that you used to drink with.

Uh-huh. Named Mershal. Mershal. You look amazing, Darkther. How long has it been? Where did you go? Trying to figure that out myself. At least 10 years, right?

Yeah, but you haven't aged a day. What's happened to you? I mean, I know you're part elf, but good God, man. Do I know? Just the comet froze you. I mean, Encino Man happened. You're not sure beyond that, as far as I know, what you would tell him. Yeah, thanks.

I found this brand of lotion I really like. It's kept me looking young. What a weird explanation. Stuff is really kind of shit around here, man. Stuff is bad. How so? Have you been in class? He turns to you, and he turns white.

He noticed that there were all these companions, but he was really focused on Darkthor. And he says, what is going on here, man? My acquaintance, TikTok. Greetings. I am TikTok, the mechanical man. Yeah, he says that when you meet him. Where did you meet him?

Brookstone. Yeah, what says that when you meet him. Where did you meet him? Brookstone. Yeah, what he said. He's your friend? Yes. They're all acquaintances. Have you ever seen a mechanical man like this before? We've heard stories. You have?

Yeah, seems like he has a little background. I, forgive me. There's stories of many people like you. I have never met one. I did not know me until now. Really? There were many of you that rose from the ocean and laid waste to the elven cities on the Trident Coast.

I would be very careful if you truly are of good nature wandering around Bozor. I should think you're not the type of person people will want to bump into on the street. Well, we will keep a clear distance. Helsene will protect me. She will, huh?

They came up out of the ocean. Yes. You say. That's just what we hear. Not necessarily here. More to the north and the southeast. After the comet? Yes.

Right after or? Yes, right after. Hmm. Yeah. I can't help but notice there also seems to be a drow strapped to that thing's back. Say hello, Hoshanka. I can't think of two worse things to bring into the city. I mean, the rest of you are fine.

I mean, this is some other half-elves here, but as far as I could, you're bringing an evil thing strapped to the back of an evil thing. What are you doing, Darkthor? Is it Darkthor who I'm drawing? I am half evil. I must remind you. But that's because your mom was a monster, right? It's not your fault that was your mom.

Monster? Hey. She's got a real bad reputation. Do they all know who your mom is? No. Joan Jett? No, do tell us. She was an infamous pirate named Dratlana.

Oh. That's interesting. Yeah. Darkthor, why do you walk away she was known for having a cloud that would follow her around and her boat full of drow would just sort of rape and pillage throughout the coast it was a terrible thing

more pillagey less rapey fair that's more of a saying than a literal thing that I know yes yes used to talk about having his revenge on her that's more of a saying than a literal thing she was a drow pirate? yes yes Darkthru used to talk about having his revenge on her one day for the things she did

so I always trust this guy but I don't know how I feel about the mechanical man and the little evil thing strapped to his back I was raised by my father I barely know my mother were you the cabin boy? I don't get that reference. Aboard your mother's pirate queen ship.

Oh, no. Were you the cabin boy? No, I was raised on land, mostly. Mershal steps in, too, and says, like, oh, again, I trust you. He's fine. He didn't actually go around with his mom. His mom was bad news. I mean, he was a local guy, Darkther.

I used to drink with this guy all the time but look at him look how much older i am than him this shouldn't be this isn't happening where'd you get that lotion this is crazy um hey man where'd you get that uh at this point hoshinka tries introducing herself and he seems equally off put by her her. He says, what's going on with her? Is she dangerous? No, something terrible happened to her underground and we just rescued her. She seems kind of broken mentally.

Yes, by the word of Valkyr, I was told to bring her out of the caverns. I know of Valkyr. Okay. You hit your bottom. Okay, well, I suppose if you vouch for this mechanical man, I won't run away right now, but again... You wouldn't get far. He says, you might want to try, I don't know,

keeping a low profile with him around at least uh anything you do to maybe disguise them like a blanket or something you have you have you you guys have furs and stuff you could probably fashion into a hood you could throw the bison cloak up over his head even cut to you dress up like jessica rabbit, sailor. Buy a girl a drink. But he says, yeah, do you mean to heal this Hoshinka, this drow? Yes, if we can. She may also have, you know.

We need a healer and also a wizard. A wizard? We have items that need identifying. A true star. Oh, I don't know of any wizard. I mean, stuff has gotten pretty rough around here where there's not like a lot of powerful people. There isn't a temple I can recommend that maybe one of my buddies could holler off to.

You guys want to go get a drink and talk more? Yeah. Sure. So he suggests you wait. We get to go drink with the dm he says he'll be back with he'll be back with another friend who can take hoshenka off your hands if you want well i i don't think we should let her go we don't know what they're gonna do with her maybe i could go with hoshenka it does not sound as though i can go inside a bar um he said he's if you put the cloak on he's like okay that's that's fine never mind he's

worried about your your face i mean he's he seems very leery of just like having a mechanical man he he he tells you he thinks he's heard descriptions of mechanical men specifically of your height with glowing red eyes. So he's... TikTok, what's this all about? I do not know. Sounds like too much flash. But he says what they would do is he would have his friend Dunkle come by. Dunkle's nearsighted and probably

wouldn't ask too many questions. Big old human. And he would carry her to the Temple of LaRue, which is nearby and a place of healing. Temple of LaRue, which is nearby and a place of healing. Temple of LaRue! Do you want to go get a drink with him? Yeah. He says if you want to visit Hoshinka

that you could just go to the Temple of LaRue later and meet up with her. They have healers there. And they will care for her. She is not of her right mind. He looks at Oshinka. She does have a hood. He's like, as long as, you know,

Dunkle will tell her to keep her hood up over her head and I'm sure everything will be fine. You and hoods. You and looking like a creepy monster, he says. I am as God made me. Wait, who did make you? I thought the Baron made me. He seems a little reassured by you not knowing your origin.

It says, oh, okay, you're maybe someone who doesn't know where you came from. I thought I was constructed by the Baron, but then he said he found me, and then everything blew up. Everything did blow up. All right. Well, you guys say... Close on me. Farewell to Hoshinka for now.

She gets sort of carried off. This guy shows up, a big blonde dude with a big bushy beard, and he kind of like picks up Hoshink and cradles her like a baby. She's like, you know, five foot two and he's like seven foot tall. And so he just kind of like walks off with her like Yao Ming carrying Kristen Chenoweth or something. Very specific. Yeah.

I just saw a picture of her with some NBA center on the internet. So, yeah, you guys had to a bar that looks familiar to you dark there there's a place called islands they have great garlic fries it's called the swollen port so you guys head over to the swollen

port all right and as soon as you walk back to chipotle as soon as you walk back to chipotle uh as soon as you head in um uh herschel or i'm sorry herschel merschel uh announces to the bar hey look it's dark third and uh everyone goes nuts dark through you see a bunch of humans that are thrilled to see you and immediately rush over to you and want to buy you beer. Okay. And the rest of you, they seem interested,

start asking you a lot of questions about where you came from, a lot about Darkthor's Lotion. How many of these people do I remember? A lot of them. A lot of them look familiar, but they do all look older and it's a little disquieting.

So you can pull most of their names, but it's odd to see that they have all aged as much as they have. Everyone's looking a little... And we're the same age? Mm-hmm. The people who are the same age are now obviously a decade older, and there are some elderly people who look a little worse for wear. Okay.

And you even see a few people you don't recognize who seem to recognize you who seem youthful and you wonder if they're kids who have grown up and you never learned their name because they wouldn't go drinking right so gotcha uh yeah uh you see lots of things you recognize there's uh there's darts in the corner that people are playing um and there's a big keg behind the bar that's got dust and cobwebs off of it that you recognize as the keg of whispers. It is a chunky, disgusting brew that has been sitting in this barrel for decades.

And supposedly, if somebody can drink an entire mug of it without passing out, they will name the keg after them and the brew after them. But so far, no one has been able to do it. They also have PBR, too. Yeah, they got PBR if you want to stick to the PBR.

I think I'm just going to get a ginger ale. Darkther, if you were to drink that, you would become a legend. Yeah. Peer pressure, Darkther. Darkther doesn't really respond to peer pressure you follow your own path you are unique yeah don't these people already know you why would you need to have a drink named after you uh you say you don't drink but within five minutes you have at least 10 people trying to get you to drink a full beer they're buying them for you and just slamming them down it's like

being at cap city of this of the whispering thing or no just just regular the whispering thing is like a special event that that that if you wanted to go for it you could go for it but they're they're not like immediately challenging you they just want to to celebrate. Right. I'm not chugging. I'm sipping. You're going to just sip on one beer and just let them gather? You want to try the keg of whispers? Oh! So the bartender...

I don't remember a lot, but I remember that I could drink all right. So the bartender is a dwarf named Vux. And he's got sort of... Oh, does anybody remember hair? Nobody in town recognizes them? No one at this bar recognizes them. Okay. But also you don't recognize them and I would say. Oh my friends? Yeah I mean Halseen you do feel like maybe because you would ride boats occasionally that maybe you came

through this part of the city, but maybe only briefly. Um, uh, Dr. Uid, you know, you did things in Bozor,

but you can't quite place what part and you don't feel like you've been to this bar. This whole area was, has been completely gentrified since the last time I was here. Um, Vux, uh, with his sort of gray dreadlocks, says, you want one from the Keg of Whispers, eh? Yeah. All right.

I'm going to give it a try. He goes over, and there's a big rusty squeak as he turns the spigot on this thing. Oh, rusty squeak. You see what looks like organic chunks slopping out of the spigot into the mug as this greenish brown drink kind of sludges its way out of the spigot

and he puts it down and he says, that'll be five gold up front. Get it all back if you finish it. And then it gets named after me? Finish it? Sure. Okay. it and then i and then it gets named after me finish it sure okay um i'm casting bless on myself so that i can add a d4 to my whatever saving throw you're gonna make oh i think you know which saving throw this is gonna be um all right i give him five gold i guess i tell him to make sure that i have it all right now are you going to uh chug it in true dramatic fashion how are you going to do this no okay i'm gonna i'm going to sit does it taste terrible

you're gonna just take a little sip let's yeah well not i'll take a womanly sized sip oh well as you as you purse your lips uh in in a polite fashion and approach it, you get a waft of what just seems like raw alcohol. And this smell that sounds like a, it smells like a beached whale coming off the top of this thing. Okay, all right. But you feel like once you're in, you're all in. It's almost like dipping your toe in ice water.

That's why I figured I just would start and then just not chug it, but just start and take a swig yeah all right do a constitution saving throw okay so um the saving throw for the bless spell is 1d4 do i do i get to do it for every time because i blessed myself how long does bless last remind me i'm looking it up at the same time so if you don't know it's okay it is one minute duration one minute okay so sounds pretty close to a chug to me if you want to take advantage the whole time okay you're gonna try and do it all in a minute how How long do I have? Does the guy say, how long am I allowed to take to do it?

As long as you want. Oh, really? Sure. But you gotta start and you gotta finish. And we're all gonna go home eventually. Okay, if I drink the whole thing and then pass out, does that count? No, you gotta stay awake. I have to stay conscious? You have to finish it. Well, yeah, if I finish it and then pass out does that count no you gotta stay awake to stay conscious you have to

finish it well yeah if i finish it and then pass out that no one has ever finished it but if i do and then i pass out that counts right yes okay all right so i'm gonna check it all right so you're gonna need to do three constitution saving throws okay there's gonna be three gigantic swigs. And by the way, when you ordered this, the crowd that was around Dargthor starts to go, oh. And by the time you've done your little test sniff and mini taste, people are yelling the chant of chug, chug, chug, chug.

So there's quite a crowd around for this. I'm joining in. Chug! Chug! Oh, did you see that? It rolled from an 18 to a 4. What is that with your bonus and your bless? With my bless, that's a 7.

A total of a 7? For my first roll, yeah. Okay. But did you get a bonus for one of these it's he's saying it's constitutional i thought it was gonna be survival but no uh so you take a giant glug of this thing and immediately uh once it goes into your mouth you feel it spread through your body uh and through just the little vessels of uh blood in your mouth and through your head. And before you even get it down to your stomach, you can feel your eyes starting to turn

into just orbs of glass. And you're just sort of like, and you feel extreme vertigo. You don't pass out, but you feel like two more of this is going to be interesting. Roll your second constitution. Dan, you're not going to put a cobwebbed giant thing of alcohol in the corner and I'm not going to drink it. Come your second constitution. Dan, you're not going to put a cobwebbed giant thing of alcohol in the corner

and I'm not going to drink it. Come on. Chug. Chug. Better? This is better? Not really. You're moving in the right direction. Ten. You see Halcine take a second giant swig and Halcine

everything turns white. And you guys just see her go limp like a rag doll and flood onto the floor. I'll catch it. Okay, so right right as she begins to go do a do an athletics check. Yeah, that's a 20. Yeah,

you immediately catch her before anything happens and you manage to scoot her onto a stool and the whole bar roars with laughter. Chug! Chug! Chug! Here we go. Sit her down. Chug! Now do a Mathletics check. Yeah, everyone's laughing, and people continue to chant Chug with you,

even though it's hilarious, because clearly Halcine did not make it. You're currently incapacitated. This could obviously change in a number of ways, but you are blacked out drunk. All right. I take a long rest. We'll call it a long rest.

Can we get some coffee going for her? Yeah, the bartender Vux goes ahead. He laughs and he goes over and he pours this little he pours out of a pot this little thing and he sits it in front of the stool where she's passed out. He says, good luck getting there to drink it. And he laughs

and walks away. It must be Dunkin Donuts coffee. The only thing that's worse than that god awful bullshit you just tried to drink. Yeah,in' Donuts coffee. The only thing that's worse than that god-awful bullshit you just tried to drink. Yes. Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Don't at me. We could just make her drink it.

I want to sniff the drink that she was... It's an old wives tale anyway. I want to sniff the Whisper drink. You sniff it and yeah, it smells like a giant turtle came on shore and shit out its own intestines. Delicate. Does anybody else want to try this?

I like the idea. He's just looking at his constitution. Also, the party member with bless is now out of commission. So I don't believe any of you guys have it do you anyone had been brave enough to do it with me I actually could have cast it on multiple people at one time but too

late now sorry you weren't able to enable us you guys gonna try anything else at the bar while you wait for her to sober up a little bit? Does a new friend have any ideas on how to make it go easier for her? Don't worry about me, please.

She mumbles. What was the main goal? What was the goal? Is there anything we need to find out? Well, you're here with Marshall, and Marshall was more than happy to catch you up on what's going on in Bozor. What's going on up north?

Where up north? We were told that's where the wizards were. Oh, well, he's north in the Rusted Mountains where those bird people used to live. They got chased out of there. Oh, yes. Where are they now? Queep?

Around. They're there. Oh, yes. Where are they now? Queep? Around. They're there. You actually wouldn't know because that happened while you were knocked out. I mean, I don't know. You all... Queep got... Queep was actually...

I believe you were chased out of your ancestral home before the comet even. So he's encountered some other stuff as well. Um, but according to, uh, Marshall, the,

the people of the rest of the mountains, the Aarakocra, uh, were completely chased out up to the North. Yeah. Would it make sense perhaps to go to the temple where we can check on our friend as well as maybe heal you guys from being magically ding-donged and her from also being a drunky lagoo

and then we can make a plan. That sounds like a good idea. Okay. Well, it starts to get late and at a certain point you do sort of hazily start to wake up a little bit hal seen but you you're wasted uh so uh you are you are as status is going dungeons and dragons

drunk um and uh seeing sings a bawdy sea ballad and it goes a little something like trust me everyone at the swollen port would love to hear it we gotta get something like that we gotta get some moons over miami and erin they do offer you some food if you uh wanna do there's some bar food they can give you the kitchen is long since closed it's like two in the morning at this point. Yep, all right. So as you guys start packing up and getting ready to go, the bar, which is still pretty cheery and rowdy at this late hour, gets really quiet all of a sudden.

And you notice the door is open and there is a cold breeze blowing in. And you see a gigantic blue face sticking in the door. And everyone at the bar kind of like pivots and looks away. From the face? Like the fun police just showed up. From the door. Like they ignore it?

Like we're just pretending? They're trying to ignore it, yeah. You guys recognize this thing as a troll. There is a giant troll face sticking in through the door. Does Darkthor recognize it? You do. Yeah? And based on your foggy memory check,

you actually remember a little bit about this guy. Uh, this troll, uh, looks a little different. You're used to this guy being a regular old green troll, but he's got very dark blue skin these days. Uh, also he doesn't look like he's really aged since the last time you saw him. Uh, he has orange sort of dreadlocky hair. His name is Doug Thuck.

And you remember he used to just sort of wander around the forest north of town and kids would like throw shoes and apple cores at him. He was like a real, he was like a weakling troll. And it's a little weird to see what was like the nerdy, like crappy troll suddenly command so much authority sticking his face in this bar at two in the morning.

And you're surprised to see him in town at all. And it's a little confusing to you to see Doug Thuck stick his head. I say to him, Doug Thuck. What do you need? What do you want? What do you mean? What do I need? What do you want from us? What do you mean, what do I need? What do you want from us?

Dugthug want his money. Who owes you money? People of Bozor owe Dugthug money. Is this true? I turn to Mershal. Mershal's like, yeah, he collects tithes for Thagas. You guys pay protection

to Mudfuck? What's his name? Who is Thagas? Doug Thuck. Doug Thuck. Who's Thagas? Do I know who Thagas is? While you ask, by the way, Doug Thuck kind of bows his head and comes all the way in.

He is over 10 feet tall, and he looks disgusting. He's basically naked except for a loincloth, and they tell you Thogus, but it leaves nothing to the imagination. Not long after you... You must let the mind imagine what is behind the clothes, Doug Thuck. More sensual this way. Doug Thuck not appreciate subtlety.

You learn that Thagas is currently the person running Bozor. Not long after you left, the local lord, Revan Vonderhilt, died of ice poisoning. He was part of the population that died after they tried drinking water based off of some of the ice and uh the mayor did this uh the the local lord the mayor died of it and a lot of people did and uh now a couple weeks after they were just starting to get their shit together in bozor when um this guy thogus came to town and uh no one has seen thogus since the day he came but he came in riding on a throne that was carried by a bunch of weird hooded people and he was sort of boldly declaring that this was his territory now like

a mobster and uh everyone has been beaten into submission repeatedly there's been a lot of thug style tactics there has been mass violence in the streets and some of it has died down but this was about 10 years ago and so things have just sort of you know been been rowdy in the dock ward but you know people like Doug Thug will come around and collect tithes for Thugas Paul Seen's getting very angry yeah I'd like to beat the shit out of Doug Thug

yeah and when he describes Thugas, Mershal has a hard time describing him he said again we only saw Thogus once when he first came to town. He seemed very theatrical, but he's been hiding since that day

in the old city hall. And the rumors are he's in the basements of city hall now, but he was a strange looking being. He did not have a normal appearance. He was not like a humanoid. First Doug Thug bit him.

Doug Thug starts stomping over to the bar and he doesn't like the way Darkthor had been confrontational. He says, What do you mean? You not like Doug Thug?

And he gets in your face. No, not at all. Give Doug Thuck gold. Doug Thuck not murder. Everybody's kind of sliding away from the bar just quietly. But Doug Thuck, if murder is what you wish to trade, we will happily give it to you. Everybody

roll initiative. What is my... What happens now with me? You're awake and drunk. I know. Do I have a... This is like drinking some Redanian... Is everything

blurry? You just roll with advantage. You don't feel anything. You might lose an arm. Keep track of your number because I won't be near a place where I can write it down for a minute. Time to draw a bar. I'm going to lean between you guys.

I'm trying to find Fairy fire in here Would it be in this I think it was on Bossa Nova isn't it But is it I think it's in the regular Xanathar's or it's in the regular Oh okay

Oh fairy fire I think it's in the regular It's in the regular for sure Alright I can also help you Look it up in a minute I mean it's fairy fire For crying out loud

Right but I was just thinking a lot of my half-drought shit's in Xanathar's book. Fairy fire! Page 239! Each object in a 20-foot cube within range is outlined in blue, green, or violet light. Your choice! A young human named Terry is at the end of the bar.

You guys, Terry's in the scene. You're gonna be next to him. What's up, Terry? Hey, guys. Here's Doug Thug. Ooh. Oh, dear. Look at Doug Thug.

Can we be facing him or what? This is unsettling. Yeah, we're all playing to the blame. I would like to thank my friend Jen Kretschmer who helped me paint Doug Thuck. Very cool. Doug Thuck was not pre-painted.

Oh, Jesus. Look at him. Yeah. So I did the base blue coat and then Jen did all that detail on him. She's ridiculous. Yeah. Thanks, Jen. And Doug Thuck wants to murder everybody. So, uh, yeah, thanks Jen. Um, and Doug Thuck wants to murder everybody.

So I am going to now say, Hey, tick tock. What was your initiative? Eight. Hey, doctor, what was yours?

Uh, 21. Hey, Dr. What was your initiative? 16. How seen? What'd you get

20 bitches she says turning around from the bar I'm gonna let you keep that not let you roll disadvantage because I just find it so funny that you're even doing this uh Queep what'd you get 15 she's drunk of course she wants to fight

alright uh somebody give a 20 sidedsided die to Sam. I'm going to drive Terry, but I will have him in the running order of action so we can all keep track of what Terry's doing during this fight. I had 12. Awesome. That's without his initiative

bonus. I guess only you know what that would be. Yeah, it's nothing. Stings a bit. Don't fight, guys. Sam, was that your first roll for D&D? It was. Ladies and gentlemen, Sam does his virgin breaking. Above 10 on a 20 is very good.

Darkthor, congratulations. You're pregnant. Did you see Fast Times? You're up, Darkthor. You wanted to cast Fairy Fire. That is easy for me to look up. Faerie Fire, each object in a 20-foot cube in range is going to be outlined in either blue, green, or violet light. Your choice.

Anything in there will fail dexterity saving throws, and you'll get an attack roll with advantage as long as people can see it. He also can't turn invisible. Nice. So is that what you'd like to do for your action, sir? I'm going to keep considering those options.

I kind of want to maybe do, I think darkness might be more helpful. Like the last time we fought. Now, last time you fought. Yeah. It was because you were fighting another tall being. So this guy's head would be in it but as you also discovered last time people can duck under it so uh well i'm gonna cast it where uh it would take up the most

because it's 15 feet so so he would have to duck under it. So how high is the ceiling? If you do it at ground level, none of you will be able to see through it. It's going to affect you too. You won't be able to see him either. You'll all be in pitch black. I'm going to go over his legs so we can hack at his legs by covering his face. Okay, so like right above your head level.

Yes. Okay. Boom. A black mist appears right around his waist uh and doug thuck says what happening to doug thuck me look sleepy but not feel sleepy sounds like he wants cookie uh anything else for your turn you're gonna or anything? He's still right in your face. Yeah, I'll move out of his range. Okay, so scoot your dude. Scoot your dude.

The direction you want to go, and I'll tell you if it's great. Halcine, you are up. Are there other creatures within 10 feet of him? so um are there are there other creatures within 10 feet of him uh yeah there's a lot of um uh people who are kind of scooted up against the bar that are pretty close i mean he actually looks like one of you guys scooted him he was trying to get right up in dark thirst face so he's yeah he's like right there sorry i moved him back uh the only reason he didn't get what they call an attack of opportunity on Darkthor

when he ran away is because his head was in black darkness. Would you say it's imprisoning him? I'm going to cast Sacred Flame. Flame-like radiance descends on a creature that you can see within range.

He must exceed his dexterity saving throw. Okay. And he has disadvantage because he can't see. First roll was, looking at his bonus, a 10. And the second was a 4. So that sounds like a fail to me. He takes 3 flame damage.

So you burn his leg. And he goes, I don't like what you did. Sacred flame. Nice. Did you do the bullhorn? She burps. And that sounds a little something.

I can't do that on command, but Brian can. You can do Halcyon's burp. Yeah, what is Halcyon's burp? Not right now. Dr. Uy, you're up. I don't have to belch, do I? No, not at all.

Not if you choose not to. I'm going to thorn whip this guy in the balls. Great. And if nothing else happens, at least it will pull his loincloth off and we'll get a little action from the laugh track. Four.

Do you have a bonus on that? There's no way that's a hit. I have a bonus of 27. So Dr. Rua goes, yee-haw, and whips his thorn at the air. No way that's a hit. I have a bonus of 27. So Dr. Rua goes, yeehaw, and whips his thorn at the air. And he's pivoting around too much for you to actually connect with his nards. Wait, doesn't he get advantage because of the darkness? Oh, that's true. Wait, does he?

Wait, well, that's a good question. Do I at least snag the loincloth? I think I was thinking of fairy fire. Yeah, it's not fairy fire. This guy is unable to see, but that is going to affect things like dexterity saving throws,

but not necessarily his armor class. So you can't hit the troll and the nards this time. Queep. I will attack him with my great axe. Great. And a hearty cock-a-loo! I will attack him with my great axe Great And a hearty Cock-a-loo

Yay He really is a bird Sam is he a bird? He's a fucking bird man I told you You know it Nine Plus

Plus what? I'm asking you. You're to hit with your axe. You don't have your character sheet, do you? I do. It's right here. It's not. It doesn't say with your axe to hit is?

I'll look it up, I guess. Who liked Russian Doll? I loved it. It was great. Ruled. Yeah. I wound up really liking it. It was great. Ruled. Yeah. I wound up really liking it. Only halfway through.

I'm not going to give a spoiler at all. Did anybody see Happy Death Day last year? No. That horror film? Because it's ground out day, but like a horror film. I've heard of it. Yeah, yeah. It was fun.

I like both I really like where Russian Doll went yeah I got scared it was going to go one yeah I thought it was going to be just like the other thing or just like Groundhog Day Sarah looks very mad it was a warning you try to swing and again his legs

are dancing around too much but Doug Thug feels that he has been hit you try to swing and again his legs are dancing around too much you whiff but Doug Thug feels that he has been hit and he tries scurrying around on the ground and he immediately hunches down low enough to figure out that you guys are attacking him

and he is going to take a shot at Queep so so he is going to try to bite you and he crits oh it's a 27 to hit oh shit how are you doing on help there? I'm full up right now. You take six points. I'm dead. I'm dead. He bites into you and feathers fly everywhere. You take six points.

Hey, buddy. Perfect timing. This is our one-minute warning. You saying goodnight? I'm going to come in there in a minute. Got your Spider-Man toothbrush? Oh, no, Iron Man. I just saw a glimpse of it.

All right. Did anyone see Amy Man into the Amyverse? How's that? It's great. Great music. Great songs. Pretty well done. Not as fun as Spider-Man roads. Amy Mann?

She's a very talented musician. I also sell Manfred Mann into the Manfred verse. Oh yeah, that's cool. That's a good one. Encino Mann into the Encino verse. Animal. $6 million Mann.

The troll's going to keep attacking you, so this doesn't interrupt me. Wait, he gets to go again? Oh, yes. Oh. I don't care for that. Troll to attack. That's a troll. Troll to attack.

Troll attack. Sounds like I posted something about Bernie Sanders. 26 to hit. Blake makes you laugh even if you don't know what he's saying, right? He does 11 points of damage. How much? With his first claw attack.

11 with his first claw? He crits again. What? Dan, cut it out. Dan's rolling really well, Rhodes. You're getting Rick trolled. See? Yeah, Rhodes can see this guy Rick trolled. He's going to kill Ken over there. See? Oh, God.

Yeah, Rhodes can see this guy. See, we're fighting this guy. Are you playing the troll? Yeah. Yeah? See how it works? He does 24 points of additional damage as he sticks his claws in your stomach.

Are you alive? And then we roll our dice against Dan's character. Yeah. We have 10 of them dead. We have death saves. No, no. New system. It's a new system. You are unconscious have death saves. No, no. New system. It's a new system.

You are unconscious. The bigger he is, the mess. And so at the end of the round, your next time, you're going to do your first death saving throw. All right. He looks like daddy

wearing a wig, right? A blue daddy wearing a wig. But we're going to end on a cliffhanger. I don't like that at all. Of you guys just see Queep get turned into a turducken

and knocked unconscious as this troll rips through him. What the? While you were entertaining your child, a troll destroyed your friend.

Sorry. Hey, Sam, why don't you give us a recap for the episode, please? I'd be happy to. Rhodes is going to head out. I'll be in there

in a minute, buddy. Bye. Okay, everyone, here's our notes from this episode. We started. We're at a door in. Is that where we left off?

We're at a place. Some of us know, but not all of us. We have some of us have magically foggy memory, and I wasn't listening. And who is Bozor? Someone out here recognizes Brian's character and is scared of tick tock. Maybe for his sexual energy. Everyone ignored Blaine's Joan Jett comment and Dark Thur's mom is a drow pirate.

And I googled drow. It's an elf. We enter some sort of spring break bar and where everyone's chanting. And Sarah has a drink of whispers that she gets to name if she finishes it like fat sows. And then she passes out. And there's a place

up north that is full of birds troll named Doug Thuck showed up at the bar. I wants his money for collecting ties for Thagas and now we're rolling for murder and Terry is here. Everyone ignored Brian's Metallica reference

and Ken's burps are always concerning. Blaine's going to thorn whip someone. And what does it mean when someone crits? Because someone you double you and everyone's very mad. Oh, I shouldn't. I just jumped in like I wanted. No,

please answer. It means you double the dice damage, but not the additional bonus. Oh, it explains everyone's facial expressions that you rolled a 20. Yeah, you rolled the highest possible. Oh,

okay. For a long time i thought you were saying clit just so everyone knows and that's the episode thanks for listening uh what are you anything i'm doing a bunch of live shows just look at yeah i'm gonna headline a whole weekend at flappers in in June, so do buy that thing. I will have been full of La Barbecue again

after, because this episode airs after, but I'm going to Austin. I've got San Francisco coming up. A bunch of good dates. I've got, oh, Hawaii in March. Come to that if you live in Hawaii

I'm sure we have a couple of listeners in Hawaii please come and tell me that you listen to Nerd Poker when I'm in Hawaii so I can come back and punch Dan in the mouth I'm going out on DMs why do you want to punch me in the mouth because you looked at me like there's nobody in Hawaii

that listens to the show no that look was me just going that sounds awesome. You're so, after I've known you for like 10 years, you still don't know when I'm excited in a sincere way. You're just like, that snarky asshole. Brian, when you do road gigs, do people still give you traced dicks? No, and I haven't had

20s in a while because I think people can contribute now through Patreon. Yeah, we don't. And you can also give traced dicks through Patreon. So, yeah, we don't. And you can also give Trace Dicks through Patreon. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Sino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. No, but you know what? Trader Joe's now makes knockoffs in minutes. But now I had a tag along yesterday and I ate four of them. They're like called mini dark chocolate mint cookie coins. Ready?

The peanut butter cookies are fantastic. Those are the tag alongs. That's the other one I got yesterday. They even taste better when you stick them up your ass. Hey, everybody. Wait, we can't come in on me saying that. No.

You gotta dust them with some quick.