Nerd Poker - Episode 7 - The Wyrm Approacheth

Episode Date: March 28, 2018

Hello there, fine listener. Did you know that approacheth, an old but for reals word, is not recognized by spellcheck? Anyhoo, the opening gambit appears to have been a moderate success, as the creepy terrible inside out things scatter and the spire remains unopened. But oh, there are opportunistic creatures looking to pounce on the weakened Tinnat. And Blaine tells a moon god joke while other people are talking and it is so cheesy that if you listen to every word it will actually kill you.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker Season 2. What's up, everybody? It's Rose from Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. And we've got Iron Man, my three-figure here. Thanks, buddy. Six-figure. Episode seven. here and thanks buddy six inch figure episode seven series

two and just so you know you can get this picture I mean not a picture toy at Toys R Us or Target actually just Target. Thanks, buddy.

Coolest figure ever. He doesn't know about TRU yet, does he? Toys R Us. If Toys R Us goes out of business, I'm going to have to get all my pink eye online. You do know that? Oh, I hadn't told you. Yeah. How'd you hear?

Orange. Great. Yeah, we'll go there before they close, buddy. Yeah, you got to load up on those $2 action figures. All right. So apparently our babysitter told them the Toys R Us is closed. That was Roge, you guys. Yay!

Hope you're not. We didn't spoil that for you. I hope you already knew. That you don't work there. What's going on? He's scanning you. He just came here to stare at you. Episode what?

Seven. Yeah, we're going to get into the show, so you got to go. Thanks, buddy. I saved that one. Yeah, I know, but we're going to get into the show, so you've got to go. Yo. Thanks, buddy. He's just really auditioning hard for the spinoff. Right.

He's just like, come on, let me. We've got Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine. Rhodes. And Sam and Rhodes. You know, he's probably wound up, because we're recording this on the Randy Rhodes anniversary. Oh, it is. Yeah, that's right. Oh, that sounds awesome.

Yeah, not for Randy. But everybody else is great. Hey, hi. Mommy just pulled him. Mommy came in and gave him the hook. Child collector. Melody Lee. Nothing like the motherly love of a neck dart.

Thank you. I just want to give a shout out to yet another Patreon subscriber who is paying us more per month than they need to. Thank you, Brendan Smith. Thanks, Brendan. Why are you so generous? It's weird. Paid for your fat cells tonight. Hell yeah. Oh, finally fat cells. Sarah, you got generous? It's weird. Paid for your fat cells tonight. Hell yeah.

Oh, finally fat cells. Sarah, you got to have fat cells. What's your review? It was delicious. Although I regret not getting one of those shakes that is just made of 10 other desserts. They're insane. Yeah, the pretzel cake. Pretzel cake shake.

40,000 calories. I'm sure. Yes. I'm now going to go curl up in a ball and hibernate. It's been nice knowing you all. Hey, we're in a weird, creepy town, and you guys... It's called Encino. It's not that bad.

You guys made me come to the valley, and I resent it, and here's my rant. What's up with Thousand Oaks? What's up with Sherman Oaks? I saw a rant. It was really good. It wasn't as good as Cuts. I get it. It was a Rent Cats joke.

Yeah. No one else got it ever. No one will get it even after we explain it for a few minutes. I knew he was doing Rent, but I didn't get Cuts. I mean, it wasn't a good joke. Yeah. Sorry. It's just a different vowel.

It's a vowel movement joke. Oh, God. We'll be right back with more Rose. I apologize for insulting you before you did that. Thanks for listening. It's weird they never did dogs, and now they will. Really? Because I said it on this podcast.

Oh, yeah, you wrote it. Oh. A lot of musical fans listening to this podcast. Midnight, and my owner's putting peanut butter on his balls. Is that how it goes? Good night, Rhodes. Yes. I don't know if that's such a weird accent, but yes.

You know, whenever I sing that cat song, I have to... Sort of a Muppet and sort of Adam Sandler. It sounds like Yiddish theater for me. It's midnight, and the kid is asleep. It's my impression of David Letterman singing that song every time he did it. Midnight. Anyway, are we started? Yeah, in fact, let me get my shirt on.

You're on the... Oh, thank God you're dressed. And you're at the edge of Tinat in the College of Roke area. And you guys just defeated a bunch of ugly stuff. You made them scatter. Yeah. And where there was once a mage tower, there is now a fungal spire reaching up into the clouds.

It's glowing. It's creepy. You're all racing to this guard's entrance to the wall that's behind some dorms. Are there still bodies flowing through a portal? Unless you want to change your direction, yes. You see over your shoulder there are some endless bodies

flying through some portals that you cast. And yeah, you thwarted some sort of weird ritual that looked like it was opening a gate in the side of the spire. That's probably good. And you're running away from it, if I'm not mistaken. Yes, you're headed towards... There's a little gap between the buildings and the wall where you can enter the wall. It's made for guards.

Could Skeletor's dick fit through that gap? Maybe a baby gap. Skeletor's dick is just like this little thing. It could fit through most gaps. Okay, cool. I mean, it fits in most thimbles. All right. He not only has blue balls. It's all blue. gaps. Okay, cool. I mean, it's in most thimbles.

He not only has blue balls. It's all blue. Based on Frank Langella's actual balls. I saw it on YouTube. Someone uploaded this scene from the new He-Man cartoon where you see Skeletor lose his face.

And I was like, that's too much backstory. I suddenly Yeah,, that's too much backstory. I suddenly... Yeah, I don't want the backstory. I'm not sure I'm right about this, but I want to say he was just some muscular elf-looking dude. Is it a gritty reboot? Yeah.

And you see the acid that melts his face. I was like, this is... For like 12-year-olds. Yeah, like Who Framed Roger Rabbit, also for kids. They made the villain in Power Rangers, they made her terrifying. It was, what's her name? Elizabeth Banks. Oh, right.

Elizabeth Banks. Yeah, she like eats a homeless person in the first act. It's the fucking terrifying. Oh, in the movie? Yeah, in the movie. I showed it to Rhodes. You know, and on the show, she's ridiculous and cartoony. Oh, she's goofy, yeah. In the movie, Yeah, in the movie. I showed it to Rhodes. And on the show, she's ridiculous and cartoony. Oh, she's goofy, yeah.

In the movie, it's Elizabeth Banks. She eats people to get their power and shit. And it's kind of rough. If you're going to eat people for their power, I don't know if I'd start on homeless people. That's a little rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spoiler.

Yes. Power. Power Rangers spoiler Something no one ever said No the nerd poker Power Rangers Venn diagram Is just one lens Far apart from another lens

Another dad just went Damn it I was going to have to watch that So all you guys Are running towards this gate, right? Right So you kind of run around a corner And you see there's four guards Standing with their swords in their hands

At attention And they see you kind of around the corner And they're like, what's your business? What's your business? We came here with Captain Kenwald of the Thane's Guard And they say, oh, you're the travelers. Yes. Right, right. Are you coming in or what are you doing? You were leaving us. No ins and outs. We're leaving. We've managed to stall some of what's going on here, but we need to fan

out and get more information. All right. So one of them steps aside, you can easily go through the door. Well, that's where we're trying to go, right? Yeah. So, so you go in and you hear there's some sort of warning bell going off down this corridor.

You come in and there's torch lit quarters going in two different directions. You're now inside the wall. So it's all just one long hallway that kind of wraps around the city. There's probably little bigger buildings built into it, but right now you just see hallway and there's another door in front of you.

And there's no one in immediate sight. Ceilings? Ceilings are about 10 feet up. Okay. Keep going straight. Mm-hmm. So there's lights. There's torches.

Torches. Yeah, and you hear warning bells as if the guards are being summoned somewhere. There's clearly a lot going on in the city, so it doesn't surprise anybody. Okay. You go out the door, and there's just one guard on the other side. And he sees you, and he's like, oh, you must be the Travelers. I heard about you. What's going on?

How's the College of Roke doing? You were just coming from there? This is the exit by the college. I heard a lot of noise on the other side of the wall but i've been kind of out here by myself for a few hours what's going on in there shit storm it's not good it's not good you should probably find another like do a buddy system kind of situation here because i don't think you want to be by yourself yeah it's gonna be bad he's like okay uh don't really have a way to do that but uh keep that in mind. Maybe I'll poke my head in the door, see if someone can help me out here.

And he does. He kind of keeps peeking back out where you guys are, but he's like, oh, no. And then he disappears after a moment. You guys are now outside the city of Tin Ant, and in the back of your minds, very quietly, you hear... That's the Final Fantasy and battle music because you have completed the prologue portion of this campaign and you've all just earned 1,000 experience points. Now we have to sit through a five-minute cutscene.

And now you don't get to play the game for a while. You have to listen to me talk. No, that's not actually what's going to happen. But I will set the scene a little bit. You're kind of in a... It's going to take two hours for it to load. That's right. Insert gameplay disc four.

So on either direction, back to your left and your right, you see where the wall goes. There's sort of like dirt paths that trace around. In front of you, you see there's a dirt path that seems to go for a little while and then match up with a road. According to a map you have, the road goes south. You're in the southeast corner of the outside of the city of Tenet. Directly in front of you, you see a couple of buildings. It looks like there's a gazebo

a little farther. It looks like there's maybe a stable a little farther down. How many she-males do you gazebo? Gazebos you she-males need. Remember Wiggum? Oh, yeah. Fucked it up. You sure did, because I don't know what the reference was.

Chief Wiggum joke. I prefer Ralph Wiggum joke. I prefer Ralph Wiggum jokes. P slowly appearing in the middle of his pants. That's how I quote The Simpsons. Tastes like burning. And then they made... Was it ten babies and one of them looked at me? One of the babies looked at me.

That was the hardest I ever laughed at The Simpsons. When he described Cravapple and Skinner making love in the closet. But yeah, so you guys see, this is the poorer part of the suburbs, it feels like. You almost think you see in the distance a little shanty town.

And then a couple houses down towards the road, you see there's some people standing in the streets watching some kind of argument what do you do see what's going on over there yeah i feel like we also need to rest at some point and examine our star map that we have before we decide what we want to do but we can go check out this argument yeah let, and let's go to Charlie Sheen's house. Star map. Anger management. So as you guys walk down the dirt path a little bit,

you see the argument is between a stocky woman, and she is threatening some sort of lizard-like creature that's bipedal and has a large... You said I was fully insured! Comprehensive insurance for my car! What the fuck? She's holding some kind of scroll that it appears the lizard guy gave her.

You see on the other side of the gazebo there's some sort of government building, some sort of city office with one guard kind of poking his head out watching the woman yell at the guy but he looks like he doesn't want to leave the city office. There's some sort of inn across

the street. Are these people, are they aware that there's alarms going off and stuff? They seem vaguely aware. Everything seems tense. Can we hear what is actually being said? Yes. Apparently this lizard-like creature

is... Let me see if you guys can identify what kind of creature it is. Everybody do a... Let's do... God, just a perception check? Let's do a wisdom check difficulty 10. I know exactly what kind of lizard. What did you get?

Did you get a 20? We know exactly what kind of lizard this is. Or character this is. You guys immediately recognize that not only is this some sort of kobold. It's Dave. He's like a messenger. You recognize this as like a low-level guy,

and you can tell from the argument that he handed this scroll to this woman. And the woman is, yeah, she's got like a wooden spoon, and she's like poking this guy in the face and yelling at him. Leave Dave alone. The woman turns to you and says, what in the world do you mean? Well, you're poking my friend Dave with that spoon there. Dave turns to you and goes,

that's Dave. But with gratitude. It's like a really grateful, you see empathy in his eyes. Typical Dave. You'd set your watch to this guy. She said, this man came to the worst part of the city and issued the worst kind of threat.

This is an insult to all of Tenet that he would come here. He needs to leave immediately. Or I'm going to beat him to death with this. And who's she? Do you have an ask? She had a red cap on that says, make Tenet great again? Or I'm going to beat him to death with this. But who's she? Do you have an ask? Okay. She had like a red cap on that says, Make Tinette Great Again?

She says her name is Typha. She runs the inn across the streets. And she says it's turned into more of a shelter lately, as Tinette seems to have neglected this part of the outskirts of town. And she takes care of a lot of the people who live in this area and uh this guy tried i guess to deliver she tells you this message to the the office over there and the guy wouldn't even talk to him and she holds up the scroll and written in horrible almost indecipherable block letters as if by a child. It says in the common tongue, prepare yourself for invasion.

And then some other stuff you can't tell because the scroll is not completely unfurled. Not cool, Dave. Typha is like, this guy's threatening the whole city and he's come here to do it. Don't kill the messenger. Where did the message come from? What? I was laughing at your joke. Where did the message? Can we talk to Dave was laughing at your joke and I missed the exposition. Where did the message,

can we talk to Dave and ask him where, wait, is that his name? Dave, Dave turns to you and goes, Oh, who can, who can communicate with you? Oh, you know what?

I have tongues. But do you have snake tongues? Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to cast a little tongues and I'm going to go, hey Dave, where'd you get the scroll?

A little Dave sticking. Dave the kobold. So Dave goes and only you hear this tweet, but I'll say your instant translation doesn't mean we

have to kick everyone out of the room of course he starts to go thank you thank you this woman doesn't understand how important this is that I warn you he says this woman doesn't know how important it is that I warn you

he tells you that his name is Dave his name is Yondu. Yondu. We call him Dave ever since I think it's H. I still love that name from somewhere clearly. But Brian knows where I'm from. And he says, yeah, you know.

I'm wearing Poppins, y'all. I'm trying to warn everyone. This is an incoming invasion. Who's invading? My master. Who's your master? Storndor. Storndor?

Yes. Not the Storndor. Yes, the Storndor. His eyes widen at your ironic reference, and he says, you know Storndor. Now, you know, refresh me. Remind me what Storndor's been up to know Storndor. Now, you know, refresh me. Remind me what Storndor's been up to. Storndor.

He tells you Storndor is his master and very powerful and you should all quake as his approach is coming soon. Hey, here's my question. Is Storndor a kobold like you? He says no. What is Storndor?

Storndor? Storndor? He's the brother of aluminum siding. Can you do a quick commercial while I try and nail down some background of Storndor? This lookup is brought to you by Len Crafters. Quality guys named Len in about an hour. I thought you'd be done by then. What else about Landcrafters? What else can you get done there?

How's the parking? Oh, you know what? First hour is free with validation, but if you lose your ticket, it's 18 bucks. He tells you that Stormdoor is a great and powerful... He'll call it a worm. A worm.

Who will arrive shortly. How's he getting here? He's going to fly. Yeah, he says flying, of course. A flying worm? Yes. And he's great. What color is he? We've received word that the city is in a state of weakened condition.

We were given this word a week ago and we prepared this lovely scroll for the people of tin hat and he points to the scroll that looks like a brain damaged person sketched it with a piece of charcoal okay says we worked very hard to find your tongue looks nice very good good good. Good job, you guys. Maybe we need to send a message back with him. Should we? Like, if you say that in a threatening way, I was just thinking. So when does this happen?

Any minute now. Is it a dragon? Yeah, that's a word. Any minute now. Any minute now. He looks to the sky um you realize he's he's uh speaking a tongue called yip yak and it is a very uncivilized sort of brain inside that skull and so it may not be clear he understands how time works so he's looking to the sky but it also seems like his memory might only extend

into the past for a couple of neurons, and then everything else is kind of mishmashed to him. No object permanence or anything? Pretty much. All right. Did he mistake his wife for a hat?

You could never mistake his wife for a hat? You could never mistake his wife for a hat. Hubba hubba. Hey, so Yondu has... It's Yondu with two O's, by the way. Yondu. Here's my question to the gang. Do I fly straight up and see if I can see anything? Do we...

Oh, sorry. Do we kill this guy? Do we do something to this guy? What do we do? I feel like this guy is mistaken. Typha puts her wooden spoon away and is digging around in a bag on her back for something. Oh. She might take care of it for us.

Yes. Uh, flies on the back. Fly up. All right. I'm going to go, I'm going to go straight up and just sort of scan the skies while these guys kill this woman. How,

how high up are you going to go? up and just sort of scan the skies while these guys kill this woman. How high up are you going to go? Above the city, enough to kind of go up and spin around a little bit. Did you just say kill this woman? Yeah. We're talking about Tweed, remember? I'm on a roll. Okay, so as you go up, a couple of things you notice. Tweed only kills little kids.

She might be pregnant. Two perception rolls, one for your view of the city of Tin Tui only kills little kids. I'm going to give you two. She might be pregnant. Two perception rolls. One for your view of the city of Tinnad and one for the horizon. This is the city. An 18? You notice the fungal spire seems to go high above the clouds. Okay. And it's pulsing.

Pulsing? Uh-huh. Okay. And a 16. You see a shape to the east. To the east? In the sky. In the sky. Approaching in the clouds. Uh-huh. Okay, and a 16. You see a shape to the east. To the east? In the sky. In the sky, approaching in the clouds?

Mm-hmm. Through the clouds. The clouds part for a moment, and you see a dark shape. Man, we gotta... Do I see any ground forces anywhere? Roll one more time for ground forces. Oh, I meant like for the city a three

oh in the city you don't see anything because you rolled a three I was going to like zip down and like find some guards or something and go yeah you don't see you can't tell alright well then I'm just going to I'm just going to land hey guys dragon approaching from the east

we need to convince this woman Yeah, Typha takes out a frying pan and brains this guy And she's gonna go home and attack Jiggs for staying out all night He's knocked unconscious

Good job, now everybody take cover She spits on him and attack Jigs for staying out all night. And he is knocked unconscious. He's knocked unconscious. Good job. Now everybody take cover, I think. She spits on him. You should get inside. She overheard our conversation. Again, you rolled high. You figure the dragon could be as many as a couple hours away, but it was probably very large.

Yeah. Okay. I can see it from a distance. You should tell her. Yeah. And tell her to spread the word. She's right here, right? Oh, no.

And he translated, so she knows that something's coming. She knows it? Okay. She's like, oh, shit, shit, shit. She calls one of the people who is standing over, and she says, Brechtar, go tell the guard what we just learned, and Brechtar runs off. Who? Brechtar?

Yeah. Brechtar is a friend of hers. He clearly is homeless, but he does what he's told. The guy's told. The guy from the city office, the guard, now that the kobold is unconscious, he looks like he shuts and locks the door. We're not really in any shape to fight a dragon

right now. Typha. How do we get in that sort of shape? Typha says you're welcome to rest in the inn free of charge. But you said a couple hours that's going to be here. That doesn't do us any good. We don't have anybody who can help.

Let's go inside the inn, I guess, for now. While we talk about this. She shows you a room and says she was just about to go on vacation. This is really irritating her. Probably now would actually be a great time to do that though then yeah abiza's nice when there's dragons here you can go ahead and go and we'll watch like if you if you need a cook i'm happy to go with you but we saw your pan

usage quick with the pan yeah she says uh she was not born of royal enough blood, but she would have been a soldier if someone had let her. Cool. Well, what do we do now, guys? I'm going to start relearning spells, and I'm going to try to... Yeah, she takes you to a big room that's got ten beds in it, and it looks like their best room. The sheets don't look

like they have bed bugs, but they're very thin and don't look like they've been washed in the next last couple of days cool but it looks like it's for soldiers okay what's the long rest there's no way we're getting an actual long rest right now right uh not necessarily i'll uh throw esmeralda a couple of uh bones because she's a native of Tinat. The walls are very high. And as large as this dragon is, you feel like something about the formality of the messenger doesn't necessarily imply

that combat is about to happen. Also, everybody do... What kind of check should I make this? Oh, do a history check. Everybody do a history check. History check.

Well, check your history bonuses. Bo, do you get plus zero? Esmeralda, you get plus four. Plus four. Same with three. I got a three plus four. I got a six. Total.

Eleven. Oh, Tom, you realize there is a good chance that this dragon will issue some kind of threat and will be sentient and highly intelligent and won't necessarily lay siege. Oh. All right. Dragons are going to come talk to us. I have an 18.

It's voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch. Yes, actually, that would give you a lot more information. Now we've got a historian over here. Yeah, even though he's got a terrible bonus, it suddenly clicked in his head that he's heard this about dragons.

So, because a kobold messenger was sent, it's definitely a declaration of some kind of war, but it's early stages, so you feel like what you're more likely to see in the next couple of hours

is a dragon and more kobolds, but not necessarily instant combat. Okay. It depends how the city reacts, you think. You've heard of dragons approaching cities with a formal warning, and it usually means that they're kind of mocking the city a little bit.

Okay, I'd tell them all that. Great. Let's get our sleep on. Sweet. I change into PJs. Is anyone going to... Everyone take out your flee on. Sweet. I change into PJs. Is anyone going to everyone take out your fleece

and watch and we still may want to do watch still. We have Elzid with us right? No you don't have

Elzid with you. You're not in a bonus episode for Christ's sake. Oh it's Elzid. You're right. Are you high yet? No but that totally

threw me off it's been crazy yeah the bonus episodes are confusing yeah it is well that were it would be one thing

if we were different characters not that I want to be a different character I love playing Bodhi all the way through but it is confusing so

yeah I think when we're done with Tomb of Annihilation we gotta like think of some twist to make that easier yeah cause occasionally sorry just add a mouthful of shake Yeah, I think when we're done with Tomb of Annihilation, we've got to think of some twist to make that easier. Yeah. Because occasionally, sorry, just add a mouthful of shake,

listeners will say the same thing. Ew, you ate shake? I don't know. That stuff's nasty. But who else can we use in this fight, and who have we already met that we can warn? Wasn't there a guy that we were following earlier? Captain Kemal? Is that from a different game too?

No. Well, they've let the guards know now. Right. So they should have that info. Okay, cool. You could also talk to Typha, who seemed very friendly to you. Right. Not the guy she brained.

Oh, okay. Well, I would tell her that it's just a, well, it's not just a, it's a declaration of war, but not to expect anything right away. Okay. But there probably will be more of those. Why is a dragon declaring war on this place? That's weird. It's not necessarily a dragon declaring war.

They're using a dragon, right? It's those, what did you call those guys? Again, because you rolled an 18, I'll throw you this bone. You do think the dragon is declaring war they're using a dragon right it's those uh what'd you call those guys again because you rolled an 18 i'll throw you this bone you do think the dragon is declaring war okay you get the dragon personally yeah they're taking advantage of the the weakness yeah i would also say you know what here i'll make you do another everyone do an intelligence check difficulty 10 i love doing these kind of roles. So you guys piece it together. Whoever was

planning the attack on the college, let a dragon know the city would be in a state of vulnerability. At least that it's a possibility. I kind of want to climb the fungus tower. Yeah, we should see what's up above the fungus tower. Oh, can I take this opportunity? Maybe I can

do watch. Can I watch and study at the same time, or do I have to do one or the other? No, you can do both. I think we should say, though, that you're going to be on watch for a blank number of hours, and you're dedicating an hour. I wanted to look at the star chart, and also we should get rest if we can so that we're all charged up. Okay. rest if we can so that we're all charged up. Okay.

That's good. So if somebody wants to, if you want to go check out the tower, I can cast Fly on you and I can stay here and learn spells. I tried to fart earlier, but I star charted. Well, actually, I have... Oh, dear. Maybe it's not a star chart. Here I sit, lonely hearted. I have an amulet that lets me cast, you said Hover at the time, but I couldn't find that

spell. Is that a specific... Oh, for the at the time, but I couldn't find that spell. Is that a specific? Oh, for the love of Pete, let me go look that up. For the love of Pete. It's probably not the same as flying up above the clouds. Hovering sounds pretty. Up above clouds. Pretty lame compared to flying.

Maybe slide down. What, hovering? Lay down, sweetie. It's a hover spell. It goes with your vape spell. Just without knowing that you're talking to a dog, just like the Brian Soppa is. Lay down.

Lay down, sweetie. People have heard. I called her Mavis first. You didn't hear me. I'm going to say it's Jay Leno's wife under the table. It's unique, the amulet. And so it does allow you to basically fly, but only like five feet off the ground.

So hover. Pretty lame. Okay, so... I call it a Ducati. But you want to, yeah, have him cast fly on you? How much time are you going to spend scouting after he does this? Checking out the tower.

Well, I wanted to look at the map first. Okay. Figure out what we got. Great. Because we never really did that, so. How many hours are you going to look at the map? One. Okay.

Roll a. I'm pretty smart. Roll a wisdom check and we'll just go by the scale of what it is. Wisdom or intelligence? Yeah, you're right. It's intelligence. I only say that because I was. No, intelligence is like present tense. Wisdom or intelligence? Yeah, you're right. It's intelligence. I only say that because I was. No, intelligence is like present tense.

Wisdom is like past tense. I saw what that was. I had to re-roll, though, because you weren't sure what I was rolling. No, I said it was intelligence. Well, I failed it no matter what. By looking at the star chart, you're only kind of reminded of a few things.

There are multiple locations on the map. Something about the map seems to imply there's some sort of glowing tower. Right. In multiple locations. Right. Probably at each of the colleges. It says Sarah, but apparently not Esmeralda. Correct.

Why don't I give it to this intelligent man? The star chart? Yeah. Okay. Are you guys resting while we're doing this? They're all basically sleeping. Okay, well, when my turn is over, then I'll trade. Okay, so you're going to go fly now?

You wake him up to give you a quick fly spell? Oh, well, then can I spend another couple hours if I have to be on call anyway? I'd rather let them sleep and I'll just try to... Scout for a couple hours? No, I want to look at the chart more. I just want to stare at it. Roll a 20 again. I'm taking a different 20. There's a lot to see at the chart more. I just want to stare at it. Roll a 20 again. I'm taking a different 20.

There's a lot to see in the chart. There's a tower, too. Right now I've apparently closed Google. I had Google open. 20. Ooh. With my bonus or whatever. So the next hour.

I removed everything from the chart. Yes. You're going to figure out this chart is in some kind of old form of Elven language, and it is likely Drow. You can't quite read it because you don't know the Drow language, but you figure that out. You figure out the town of Gostel, where there's another college, definitely has its own spire charted to show up. You realize that you probably would have heard from Tui about whether he saw a glowing spire from there because of how far away he seemed to see that dragon. So just based on the fact that he was up there, you're like, oh, would have seen like another glowing tower if it was the same height at least like you feel like okay you can see that eye of sauron from a distance so it's not there yet no um and you also notice a few weird things about

the moon because you rolled a critical uh you notice uh there's way more detail to the moon in the sky or the moon on the moon in the star chart there's way more detail the moon in the sky or the moon on the chart? the moon on the star chart there's way more detail on this than you've ever seen a map of the moon before and you think you see some kind of civilization map on the moon yay moon people yeah so

that is your next hour okay well now is it time for me to wake people up? I'm tired that is your next hour okay well now is it time for me to wake people up I'm tired yeah you haven't flown or scouted or anything yet well I can't fly unless I wake up Tui correct

I'm relearning spells so I've been up for maybe an hour alright then if he wants me to do it I'll do it okay I decide what you're going to do next, and then something's going to happen externally from that. Okay. Up, up, and away in my beautiful, my beautiful fly spell.

As you rise, everybody who's asleep do a constitution check. I can't, I'm asleep. You're doing a sleepy constitution. I constituted the bed. Both you guys wake up as you hear a doofoom outside. What was that? You don't know, you're inside. There's no windows.

What was that noise? I think somebody sideswiped my room has no view. There's no windows. Where am I? You're still inside with fly cast on you. What do you want to do? Fly out the window? Oh, no view. There's no windows. Where am I? You're still inside with Fly cast on you. What do you want to do? Fly out the window? Oh, you just said there's no windows. Nope.

You can go out the front door. Fly out the front door. Sweet. You go down the hallway to the front door. Fly, it's great, isn't it? This is fun. I see why you like it so much. You move very fast.

And Typha's already outside. And she's shaking her head. You don't see anything right away. But Typha's looking. What's she looking at? outside um and she's shaking her head you don't see anything right away but uh typhus looking what's she looking at uh she says uh looks like the dragon's here that guy does have a bad sense of time and uh you hear a screeching noise coming from inside the city walls you don't hear any rumbling you don't hear sounds of combat. But it sounds like there's a dragon inside the city.

Okay. That was fast. How long has it been? It's been a couple hours. Two hours. Yeah. Oh, it has. You guys got a little shut-eye. You guys just woke up.

Oh, right, right. Gotcha. Uh-huh. Okay, so I'm going to zoom straight up into the air. Typha goes, oh, see ya. In a really cool way. Yeah, and then... she goes whoa um and i'm gonna try to go i'm gonna try to look at what's happening in the town but also go up above the

cloud cover to check out what's happening with the tower great um roll a perception check won't you okay let's do let's do a uh a city one and a tower one. So first city. 16. Great. So you noticed that there is a dragon parked in the city square in front of the castle keep where you guys had all met the Thane of Tenant. What kind of car does he drive? He's sort of sitting there and he looks like he

might be talking to somebody inside the city. Okay. But he does not look nice. What did you roll? 16? It's a black chromatic dragon. Okay. But he does not look nice. Okay. And what did you roll, 16? It's a black chromatic dragon. Ooh. Those aren't good. I'm relearning fly, even though it's in my loot, just to make sure I'm...

Okay. Roll for spying on the spire. 17. It goes as far up as you can see. Disconcertingly high up. Does it go to the moon? You can't see the moon because of the clouds, but it goes way up through some clouds. Wait, I said I wanted to go past the clouds.

Past the clouds? Ooh, do a constitution check. Difficulty of 12. 19. Ooh, shit. Do you get a bonus? No. Okay.

So you get a really high. you do make it through the clouds, you start to get a little dizzy, but you don't pass out or lose your ability to perceive. And uh-oh! It goes about as close to the moon as the eye can see. It seems to kind of do a corkscrew very slowly, too. It's hard to kind of place how long it is before there's a big bend but it almost looks like it does like a very slow as the miles go uh corkscrew towards the moon

so it's big uh space elevator helix also uh you do not see any other glowing strands towards the moon okay well that's plus i guess right and it's pretty's pretty thick, like it's as thick as a tower, but it is, you know, it's so long it almost looks thin, like a tiny little thread as it goes to the edge of your vision. How do we get in there? You did end some kind of ritual that appeared to be creating a door. Whether that was going to impede your own ability to get inside or not, you're not sure. But it definitely stopped them from opening the kind of door they wanted for the tower.

Okay, I dive back down to everybody. Great. Typha goes, holy shit. You're a flying knight or some shit. That was fan-frigging-tastic. Are you sure you don't need a cook? You're welcome to join us. She's like, do you want her to join you?

I literally say, you're welcome to join us. It's up to her. Oh, you're putting it all in the NPC's hands. Let's see what the dice say. She goes, all right. Cool, guys. We have a cook now. She's got a plus four pan.

She says, let me get packing and let some of the other people around here know I'm going to take my vacation a day early. I hope she's not like that mean cook on TV who yells at people. Who, Mel? and let some of the other people around here know I'm going to take my vacation a day early. I hope she's not like that mean cook on TV who yells at people. Who, Mel? She beat the shit out of a kobold. You notice the kobold's not in the street anymore. You're not sure what happened to it. It's not laying in a pile like it was when you went in.

Yeah, it was just unconscious. Do you go back inside and tell them, you said? Everybody else, do you check in? Yeah, oh yeah. Okay, so she gives you guys a scoop on the dragon in the middle of the town square, the height of the spire. Do you have any more resting? I don't think we need to. Well, I didn't rest at all.

Okay. So yes. Okay. But should one of us try to go talk to the dragon, or are we just going to find out what happened after that? I don't want to talk to a dragon. Yeah. Well, he's not. Okay. All right. I do need to rest

if I want to have any spells again ever. So you clock out. What do you guys want to do? You're welcome to get some rest if you want. I want to look at that star chart. Okay. How long ago was that? I'm going to try to translate the star chart.

Where's the dragon in relation to us? You are on the other side of the wall You've left the city The dragon's inside the city You're probably a few hours From being able to get all the way back in the city I'm going to stay with them With everybody else

What languages do you know? I'm going to use comprehend languages Okay Now you know it's drowish, so you got a heads up there. Funny, it doesn't look drowish. Hey. We've only done that joke seven times. Oh, there's going to be plenty more, Dan.

Tonight. So, I don't know where that spell is, but I'll find it. Do you remember you have that giant plate of cheese fries on the other side of your... I told everyone they could have some. The dragon is hanging out. I've already been stuffing pretzels and chocolate into my mouth while we've been playing. I'm kind of saving the fries for our mid-episode break. I wondered why you put them on the other side of your...

It looks like the dragon's going to eat them. Hold on. Take a picture. While you do compre in languages, I'm going to put cheese fries on my face. Your issue is one hour, so obviously I'm going to study for an hour. All right. You also understand any written language that you see, but you must be touching the surface on which the words are written.

All right. It's better a half hour ago? Takes about one minute to read one page of text. Great. You get to read the shit out of this star chart. As I read it, I'm going to write out the translation. Who star charted?

I don't agree. I'm a dragon. I'm a dragon. Roll to see how much detail I give you in one fell swoop. Holy shit. You may want to take notes or re-listen to this episode later, because I'm going to tell you way more than you're going to remember. Once upon a time.

Well, you tell me one name and I'll forget it. Yeah, no shit. I'm going to start saying it now. Fucking stoner weirdo. You're not a stoner. I uh fucking stoner weirdo um i know just a weirdo paranoid does it yeah makes you think i pee in my pants all the time oh that's fun it's not you ever had that's why they call it pot god i wish that did that to me you ever had a ct scan i've had dozens of these yeah you know what i'm talking about bro uh they inject

you with iodine. Yeah. And you think like you've never felt more like you peed your pants in your life. You get this warm, wet feeling in your extremities. And it feels like your hands are peeing their pants, even though your hands don't have pants. It's a contrast fluid that they put in an IV. Yeah. And it goes through.

It just instantly heats up every capillary. I remember the heat, and I remember the metallic taste, but I don't remember any. Yeah, they go. The results may differ. Also, I love that your description was that your hands don't have pants, and that's why it can't. But it feels like they're peeing them. But it feels like, yeah. Because it does feel like a very, like, your skin is turning into, like, wet washcloth.

Like, it's the whole, Like, it's not great. But it's weirder than it is uncomfortable. Like, you more just want to tell somebody, which is why I'm, like, bringing it up. Because, like, I remember they warn you. You fill out, like, 30 forms before you can take one of these things. And even then, like, the tech will be like, just so you know, you might get a weird sensation, like, you pee in your pants. But you still do, like like a triple take to them after they inject you and go,

I feel it. I'm peeing my pants. I'm peeing my entire bloodstream. I am getting that weird sensation. They high five you and they're like, congrats. Again, I did not have that experience. But I believe that it must be a...

Oh, man. You've had a ton of them. Did you have an iodine injection specifically? Yeah. I don't know. With contrast, right? Yeah. Some people get hooked on that shit, man.

There's so many different kinds of contrast they can do. They're shooting their iodine all the time. I think it's a PET scan or it's like a pee CAT scan or something where they inject you with the radioactive isotope. That's a fun one. Yeah. It's a little better than the cat pee scan. That's just a black light.

Yeah. Oh my god. I feel like I was just in a boxing match from how hard that joke hit me. Sorry, Dan. Let's go get some cat scans. Tom, based on this map, you realize it was

written by someone who is trying to speak drow, but they've got some weird kind of uncivilized slang. You also realize Slotted 2 also have its own spire. You're not sure why, but based on her telling you about Gostel, having its own mage college, that these places probably have their own mage college. The town of Gantham, Derealth,

Vesta, and Tential. Gantham, Derealth, Vesta, and Tential. All seem to have glowing silver spires drawn on them and going up to the moon. The drowish explanation for this is our lord and master resides on the moon. She will reign supreme once again. Censorina. The moon lady.

All right. And all the spires on the map look the same mhm mhm they do seem to form some sort of pattern as if to either connect or draw in the moon so you're like oh that's interesting it's five points yes

is it a five pointed star by any chance? didn't you guys know that the moon oh that's interesting it's five points yes so they five pointed star didn't you guys know that the moon was actually it's technically like six six but there's something weird about it where um they kind of cross uh you're not sure what's going on with the actual drawing but it looks almost like um because there's there's also gospel and there's roque um so you've got a total of six. You've been to Roke, you know about Gostal. You haven't been to Gantham, Dereld, Vesta, or Tential. But you're like, yeah, this is...

And didn't you guys know that the moon was going to crash into here or something? Yeah. Well, I imagine the tendrils are going to bring the moon down into the... Something like that seems incredibly likely from what you just read. Based on your magnificent role. So we just have to, what, destroy these towers? Yeah, I guess. Or the moon.

Or all the people on this planet. Or maybe just the children. You also get the strong sense that there is some kind of living god on the moon. Right. Well, I've known that all my life. That is super evil and not nice. And where do the dragons fit in?

You've only got the vaguest idea of why there's a black chromatic dragon to see, but it seems like maybe these drow or somebody alerted a local dragon. It's just a way to help. Yeah, but could we possibly get the dragon to destroy the tower? Possibly. Doubtful, but yeah, possibly. If we can get the dragons

on our side, I don't know. They're kind of hard to... Everybody do another history check. Negotiate. Man, I feel like he's going to be like, you dumbasses. Two. Five. Sorry, a five. Seventeen. Six. Oh, actually, you're asleep. You don't get to, Esmeralda.

They're still talking while you're sleeping, so you can't contribute to this dragon conversation. Maybe you can dream about my joke about the god that lives on the moon. What did you roll, Blaine? Seventeen. Ask the god that lives on the moon. What did you roll, Blaine? 17. Ask me what god lives on the moon.

What god lives on the moon? Jesus. The dragon is, if you just remember, probably very evil. Okay. Yeah, same thing. Well, so is Twee, so. Not yet. Speaking of which the following thought

occurs to you sleep talking I'm gonna write this down can I get a tweet aka Albert Fish the world's emptiest toy store

toys are us the lamest selection toys were us that just makes me sad me too yeah never a fan I don't want to blow up you know like Toys R Us That just makes me sad Me too Never a fan I don't want to grow up You know like Toys R Joy

Yeah I used to like the toy store The neighborhood toy stores I could go to Before Toys R Us wiped them all out What in the 70s? Well no I mean Toys R Us Has been like the go-to forever. I never liked it.

It's always been like Walmart to me. I always liked it. Like when I really collected before I was with Melanie, before I had a girl that liked me. Before the prequels. I collected a lot of toys and that was where I got them. And then once I had my son, it's been like a weekend trip. I think it's where there's Miss Neighborhood Toy Stories. Yeah, I like them, but there's still

like Karen's is cool. Tom's is a cool independent. Do you know Tom's Toys? There's a Tom's in Pasadena. There's also one in Santa Barbara. Oh, yeah. I've been to that. They're cool. But that's the old school type.

Yeah. I miss those places yeah can you meet me to go in the other room and explain to you that note yes alright alright

I also got a big argument with the manager of Toys R Us now you gotta go to fucking Target yeah which is not really a great toy store

no it's not a toy store it's a what was the other did you guys have KB toys yeah KB KB got bought out by or got sold

to Toys R Us years ago, right? Somebody. They went away. Don't be some other toy. You guys have pieced all this together in the star map while she's asleep, and she's now been asleep for as long as she wanted to basically catch up with you guys and get two hours. Oh, that's not a long rest. No, you could rest more if you want.

Yeah, I roll over in my sleep and just keep sleeping. What else do you guys want to do? Anything else you want to accomplish? Do you want to wait out her rest? We all healed up. There's only one other thing I'm going to have happen to you if you want to just hang out in the room. You guys lost your spell slots too, right?

Yeah, they could go back to sleep if they wanted to and get more of their spell slots back. I'll do it. Cool. Cool. After a couple more hours, Typha knocks on your door

and she is ready to go. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Yeah, what? What are you going to cook for us? Housekeeping. She says, you're all very rude. If you'd like, I can beat you up really good.

We're just being funny. Oh, well you might have to explain more of your jokes to me because that didn't sound very funny. Whatever. Okay. You sure your name's not Twitter? I know. My name's Typha.

Is that a joke? Yeah, it was another joke. Ignore them, Typha. Typha's a real wet end. She says, where are we headed? We are going to go try to talk to the... No. What are we going to do? We're going to go try to talk to the... No. What are we going to do?

We're going to go to Toys R Us. We're going to go to one of these other schools? Oh, yeah. Well, we have a list of places that are going to be... I assume he tells us all the info that he got. Yes. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You're all caught up.

You're just outside. Is that the way to go, or do we start taking... Do we destroy this tower or this link and then go to the next one and destroy the link? Yeah, maybe we should just destroy them. Instead of going to another one and going, oh, there it is.

Everyone do, let's say, an intelligence check. Okay. 17. This one I'm going to write a note to whoever does better. 17. 17. 17. 17. 17. 17. 17.

This one I'm gonna write a note to whoever does better than 18. 16. 16. 18. 18. Nope. Brian, you're our only hope. Do I have any bonuses on that?

No. For intelligence? Bodhi? No, no, he doesn't. I can use my bonus to get a 19. Oh, yeah? Okay, so the following thing occurs to you. He's evil, but he's not going to tell us what it is.

I'm not evil. It's up to him. He'll be nice to us. We're not an innocent kid. Sorry, I got a feel bad. Tweety. I was all for killing that kid, by the way. You can read this, Blaine. Okay.

Blaine reading you, this is brought to you by... That occurs to you pretty clearly, and you can say it how you want to the rest of the party. Is that seances? Yes. People at these towns may die in their own demony seances. Right. If we don't get to go to save these other towns,

that's because that's how all these people died when they did the... They got messed up. So if we spend time with the tower, is that what he's... Okay, so then we can prevent the towers from being started. Oh, okay, gotcha. So these other towns don't necessarily have the tendril already or whatever. They don't have them yet. Did the star map seem to show an order in which these towers would show up?

You rolled pretty high, I'll say. I did. Yes. All right. You probably just go to the closest town first. St. Paris, France? The spire locations have numbers assigned to them. Okay.

Roque, Uh-huh. Gostel. Is this the order? One, two? And this is the order that I said them, so this may look familiar. Roke, Gostel, Gantham, Derealth, Vesta, Tential. Got it.

All right. So Roke we already know. Gostel. Gostel we got to go to. Yeah, and Typha even says, yeah, Gostel's just about a half day's journey to the south. Let's boogie on down to Gostel. Great. Are your horses in this table?

I'm sorry? Is that dragon still in there? As far as you know, yes. Talking to these people? As far as you know, yes. Are they? And nobody's as you know, yes. Are they... And nobody's attacking... Whoa, whoa.

And nobody's attacking this dragon? Or is there some sort of like... This episode is brought to you by Fabulous Thunderbirds. Rabbit hole! I'll take it! No more! So yeah, Typha kind of looks at you and smiles. She's got her bags of cooking supplies on her back.

And she says... We don't have any horses. Yeah, what do you mean? We just walked here. Stable's right over there. You didn't leave your horses? No, he gets them, I suppose. Remember when I said it was going to be about half a day?

Yeah, that's our horse. It's going to be a few days day? Yeah. That's our horse. It's going to be a few days. Fuck. Can we get some horses? Yeah, we're going to commandeer some horses. I don't think that that's going to be a problem. We were allowed to take anything we wanted from the keep.

When you say commandeer, she lights up and says, I like it. Where's the guard stables? So there are guard stables just a little bit south. You go a couple buildings south, you'd already seen the kind of, you'd seen there were stables here already. I mentioned it. And, yeah, there's a very lightly guarded stable. There's one guard hanging out there. And as you approach with Typha, he says, hail and well met.

Hi. What's his name? What is his name? We were inside with Captain Kenwald. We were told to come here and gather our horses for the next part of our journey. We're the travelers. You may have heard of us. The travelers. You get a plus one bonus for

mentioning Captain Kenwald by name, but roll a persuasion check, please. Difficulty 12. Perhaps you've heard of insurance. Esmeralda, you already have a persuasion check, please. Difficulty 12. Perhaps you've heard about insurance. Esmeralda, you already have a persuasion bonus of plus two. I didn't get it. He goes, oh, should I call for Captain Kenwald? Because we don't just give out horses.

I mean, you guys came here by carriage, if I remember right. So, hmm? How are you going to call for him? I mean, I'll send, I'll, you know, I'll call over one of the guys from the city council office. Time is of the essence. Are you aware there's a dragon? Not necessary, you say?

We really need to do this. Are you being nice or a little forceful? Forceful. Okay. What did you roll? I saw you roll that dice. What did it say? I don. Okay. What did you roll? I saw you roll that dice. What did it say? Don't know.

What did it say? That was just for persuasion. No, what was your practice roll that I would? Ten? You have a plus four to intimidation. So he goes, whoa, relax. Don't need to rip my throat out. You can have five horses.

It's fine. Perfect. We'll take them. Wrap them up. I picked a good one. He looked like he could run. Up on his back and away I did ride. As you guys mount up the horses, you see what looks like headed down the road towards you a small army. Weird.

From where? The south. Where you're headed. Oh, where we're headed? And there's an army coming towards us. You see about 50 shapes. Are they gray? What do you mean?

50 shapes of what? Oh, 50 shapes of you, stupid. Although, that's actually a good question. Look at them with the scarab. Oh, yeah. Are they very swirling? I'll scarab them. You see some scarlet swirls.

Oh, dear. See, that was great. The 50 shapes of rain. I believe it actually matters. Yeah, a plan comes together. It was a very colorful exchange. Okay, let's ride towards these guys. That's where we're going anyway, right?

What is red? They're evil. Red is bad. They're evil for sure. Wow. Are they human? No. As you approach on horseback, you realize they're all kobolds.

Are they on horse? Okay. So they're seven. No, they're on foot. Okay, cool. They're tiny, right? Yeah, they're all carrying spears, and a couple of them have swords and shields. We've worked out kobolds before.

Yeah, we've taken out kobolds. 50? About 50 of them. And there aren't. Still not a threat. But are they threatening to us? Or are they trying to go past us? As you approach, they stop,

and the guys up front with the shields plant the shields on the ground. Fuck them. We can go around them. Yeah, but let's hack and slash at them as we go around them. If you wish. It's going to take longer.

I was just going to say, if we're trying to get to the town to save people from the towers, the city guard should be able to take care of the kobolds. Yeah, let's see what happens. Kobold. If we ride around. The city guard should be able to take care of the kobolds. Yeah, let's see what happens. Kobolds. If we ride around them and they try to fight us, then I will kill every single one of them.

Let's glare at them while we ride around. Yeah, that's a good idea, though. Hold on, because I have intimidation. I'll tell you, you see that they put some arrows to Bo and don't fire. Okay, I'm giving them the biggest stink eye I've ever given anybody. Is there a goal? What? No, just to let us fucking go

without fighting. Intimidating like staring them down. You're intimidating an entire army? Yes, of little assholes. Intimidation difficulty is 16. Let's see, that's 13idation difficulty is 16. Let's see. That's 13 plus.

I got 16. All right. So they keep their arrows in the bow, but nobody fires. I also will intimidate them. This is wholly unnecessary, but what happens? You can only screw it up.

Arrow to 20. Seven plus 13. You don't have a 13 bonus to your intimidation. How is that possible? My charisma is 20. Holy shit, you do. Why aren't you persuading everybody? This is the highest bonus that any of you have in your skill.

I have a huge intimidation. I don't have any good. He's been diesel for the last six. Of course. I just say huge intimidation. I don't have any good... He's Vin Diesel from Cry 6. I just say, run away. As you make the long way around, you see one kobold just ever so slightly pee his pants.

Every episode. Ralph Wiggins. And that'll do it. Those purple berries. As you stare down the army and head south towards the city of Gostel. Next week is episode eight. Thanks for listening. Anybody got anything?

Well, Mad Magazine, of course. What's the name of Jerry's book? Let's plug it on a regular episode. Analog, yeah. And it is really good. Our pal Jerry Duggan was here on one of the bonus episodes. Listen to Patreon if you want to check those out. It's like a post-information age noir.

You got it. Those bonus episodes have been so fun lately. The one he did with Chris Martin was the two. He brought Sir Richard back from the dead to fight. If you come back for the bonus episodes next month, Sarah, then you get to see Sir Richard again. He's a great writer, funny dude, and I haven't checked out Analog

yet, but I will. Our listeners, I'd love it if you guys would check it out for Jerry. Remember Jerry? Don't forget Jerry. Don't forget Jerry. Read his comic. To Jerry's point, he mentioned this. Tell your realtor, or you're not a realtor. What are they called?

The people who run the comic book shops. Oh, yeah. Distributor? The buyer. The comic book. Retailer. Retailer, yes. Why could I not say retailer?

Realtor. Everything I touch turns to comics. My years of fixing computers for realtors suddenly came back to haunt me, and I thought of it as like a word that people care about. Yes. And new dates on brianforsain.com. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Ceno, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.