Nerd Poker - Episode 70 - Flayer Betrayer

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

Time to find out what the Ice Five really stands for by pitting them against the squishy, veiny, eyeball thing they made on accident a few dozen episodes ago. Hope you're ready for a throwdown with lots of psychic damage and some wincing as the surface texture of the monster is described!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Clay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 7-0. We did it. One more than 69. Woo! Woo! Oh, man, I forgot! All my friends are here. Not here, but in front of me, looking at me from their computers.

Chris. Hello! Dan. Hi. Blaine. Wash your hands. Stay safe. We'll get through this. Ken. Yes, I am Ken. He's got the background from Mac and me.

I got Mac and me and back and me. And Sarah. Hello. Hello. And then sitting in his apartment with a t-shirt. It's Sam, everybody. Hi, everybody. I wish you could see the video. He's just naked in his apartment. There's no furniture, but there's a t-shirt laying on the floor next to him.

Just a t-shirt. He's not even wearing it. No, it's just him in his apartment with a t-shirt. Looks like he's pretending to be Drake. him in his apartment with a t-shirt. Looks like he's pretending to be Drake. Missed you guys. What's going on? Do we want to thank some people?

We probably should, right? What if we did that? Let's do that. I would like to thank the following Patreon supporters, of which there are many, but these few shall be thanked in episode 70 of this campaign. Thank you, Douglas Scott. Thanks, Doug. Thanks, Douglas Scott. Thank you, Douglas Scott. Thanks, Doug. Thanks, Douglas Scott. Thank you, Testaff.

Thank you, Testaff. Thanks, Fang the Tabaxi with one fuzzy nut. Aw. Thanks, Michael Zordon. Thanks, Michael. Thanks, Bryce quote comatose unquote Haynes.

Thanks, Bryce. Thanksote, comatose, unquote, Haynes. Thanks, Bryce. Thanks, Callum Kennedy. Thanks, Callum. Thanks, Crunk Brewpot. Thank you, Crunk. Thank you. Thanks, Clay Carver. Thanks, Clay.

Thanks, Clay. And the next is Clay Pot Chicken. Please say it's Clay Pot Chicken. Thank you, Alan Wofford. Thanks, Alan. Close. Thanks, I found a mushroom stamp in my ass closet. Congratulations.

I had a mushroom last night. Oh, is that what that is? Thank you, Douglas Calabrese. Thanks, Douglas. Thanks, Bojangles. Thanks, Bojangles. Thanks, Michael McAvoy. Thank you. Thanks, We're At About An Hour.

Thank you. All right, see you guys later. Thank you, Adam Ruiz. Thank you, Adam. Thanks, Adam. Thanks, J.R. Weinzel. Thank you. Thanks, BJ Machine. Oh, Adam. Thanks, Adam. Thanks, J.R. Weinzel. Thank you. Thanks, BJ Machine.

Oh, no. And the bear. Hey, say hi to Florence for me. Last time, last quarter, we thanked people. It's spelled B-E-E-J-A-Y M-A-C-H-E-E-N one word. BJ Machine. I wish that band was called Florence and the BJ Machine.

Oh, my God. So do they. They've thought about it called Florence and the BJ Machine. Oh my god. So do they. They've thought about it and they have regrets. It's not too late. I want to thank, just lastly this episode, COVID-21, which is COVID-19 with two fingers in your ass. Of course.

It's time to get down to what happened last time on Nerd Poker. I'm going to put a fucking chain chomp lamp under my face for dramatic effect. Last time, the Ice Five went to go talk to the Mother Brain and the walk over there took a whole fucking episode. Because you guys were like, holy shit, we hate everybody. We've got to kill everybody. What the fuck are we going to do, y'all?

And then when you got there, you hadn't really made up your mind about anything. You talked to the Mother Brain for a couple of seconds, and a couple of things sort of happened around you. There were a couple of part Mind Flayer, part Beholders that were members of the Fix-It Clan that were guarding the door and a couple of little guys, little half-beholder, half-halflings came from a cave bearing crystals that you were all supposed to consume to become something assimilated. Who the fuck knows? Dan likes body horror a little too much. Anyway, it's time for you guys to do something. And TikTok told Mother Brain she was going to swallow some arrows.

So let's get back to that. I did not make you guys roll initiative just yet because I was seeing if a deception roll from TikTok could perhaps allow him to get a jump on Mother Brain with that arrow. jump on mother brain with uh that arrow um so she is going to have available to her uh something from her her custom abilities because she is part beholder part elder brain i have sort of combined some beholder powers with some elder brain powers uh and as a result i've i've tried to even it out with a little bit of custom stuff. She has a lair thing where it's like a legendary reaction. Some big guys have a legendary action. She has a legendary reaction. So she'll have an opportunity to do something

with this arrow coming at her before we roll initiative. So Chris, would you please roll to attack? I will. I'm using my Huangbo. Ooh, not a good one. So the first one's going to be...

Looks like an 11, Dan. Hmm. Okay. Well, she has an AC of Dan. Hmm. Okay. Well, she has an AC of 18. I'm going to spoil that for you guys right now. May I take my second attack? Well, first of all, the arrow sails

sort of right over one of the sort of half in shadow eye stalks. Also, I'm going to get rid of my background. I don't think I'm in a good place today for a virtual background. I keep phasing in and out, and it is distracting the shit out of me seeing myself disappear. You look like you're trapped in a Tholian web, Dan. A Tholian web.

Welcome. Now you can just look at my fucking couch. But yeah, so you see it sort of sail. It's even worse. Oh, man. It's even worse, worse. You have to look at my actual limbs. But yeah, as it sort of sails over, she

blinks out of existence. Well, she's gone. Let's get out of here. I'm going to have everybody roll initiative. Fine then. Okay. One second while I pull up Let's get out of here. I'm going to have everybody roll initiative. Fine, then. One second while I pull up my initiative thing. I'm using my press to die. Please do your best to hold your

initiative number in your head while I get organized. I wanted to thank listener Chris. His wife, Adrian, had me do a cameo for him. But he listens to NerdPoker and then tells her about every episode.

She's never listened to it, but knows all about it from Chris. So, Chris, thanks for listening. Adrian, thanks for supporting your husband's nerdy hobby. Thanks, man. It'd be cool if Adrian and Sam could have a conversation about what they think actually goes on. That'd be really fun. That'd be really great. That's the show, you guys.

That'd be a good show. Right. You guys all roll? I'm still rolling there's i have five npcs to roll so pardon me sounds like it'd be easier if you just had one dan yeah maybe you don't need all those npcs oh you think i mean it's trying to make it easy on you i agree don't remind him of our carnage. Well, good news. Yay. Couple of them rolled low. Good.

Darkthor, what'd you get? A 19 and then I got a plus seven to initiative. Jeebus. 26. That's what I got. Sweet Darkthor. 23. What's what I got. Sweet doctor. 23. What's your dexterity?

My dexterity is... Yes. My straight dexterity score is 18. Great. The mother brain also got a 23, but you have a higher dexterity than she does, so you're going to go just before her. Okay.

Dr. Uwe, what'd you get? I got a 13, which is good luck. Sure isri, what'd you get? I got a 13, which is good luck. Sure is. How seen would you get? Four. Well, that's bad. Is it? I'm going to go last. I got a 19

plus two. 21. Mother Brain got a 23. One of the Mind Witnesses got a 17. That'd be snag in this. Mind Witnesses is the Mind Flayer Beholders.

One of the Halflings got a 15. One of them got a 6, and the other mind witness got an 8. And they're just called halflings. I mean, they're mutated halflings. What do you have to do in this regime to get a special name, though? Well, you didn't ask their name. You just attacked.

I mean, you could. We could, you know, for part of your turn, you could ask the NPCs you're attacking what their names are and kind of like, you know, become their friend. Talk about maybe joining a book club. I like, you know. I have that under my special features is chit chat plus three. Yeah, see if they want to like trade Spotify mixes, that kind of shit.

All right. So, Dargther, you're up first. TikTok, you'll be up next. You're on deck. So basically, Dargther, you saw TikTok just react. Do you remember exactly what the mother brain said? I missed the chance to re-listen to the last couple of minutes right before, so I don't have the exact line. She wanted us to, uh, merge. Ascend?

She was, I mean, action-wise, she was definitely presenting you with those crystals and being like, come on, guys. She said, I thought she said, like, ascend or something. Something like that. Yeah, yeah. That's according to the plan. Uh, she said something like that. You told her to see how many arrows she could swallow,

and when the arrows fell through, she blinked out. Darkthor, you see the mother brain blinking right next to you. So we're gonna look over at this Roll20 map. Oh my god in heaven.

I'm gonna scooge. Oh, someone drew a dick in there. That's fun. There seems to be something new on the map. Ha ha ha. You know what? I'm being a man. I'm going to bet a dollar that it was Ken.

Why did you say that? How close is she to me? You're about to see as I bring her. She's on an invisible layer right now, but there she is. That's how big she is? About.

I didn't Photoshop out her eye stocks or anything, but she's very large. Jesus. Dark Thir, you see that appear right next to you. I just see the dick Is it not updated for you yet or are you just obsessed with penises?

What are you saying? I'm not Why not? Keep saying you're not Oh yeah, there it is I hate it God, ugly fucker.

Well, I knock an arrow into my bow here and I fire a lightning arrow at it.

All right. As you put the arrow in your bow, you notice the lightning magic. It disappears instantly. Terrific.

Well, I still fire the arrow at her. Great. Roll to attack. Okay. So she's resistant to, or she's doing something to magic. We actually went over this at the end of last episode, but I'm happy to remind you.

She has, as a beholder, her main eye has an anti-magic cone that comes out of it. Okay. Let's get that eye. If you're right in her face, she will be able to do that. Which way is she facing? Facing you guys. I can try to rotate her if that helps.

Do we know how close we have to be for that to be effective? You don't know. I know. My longsword is magic though, right? It's magic, but that doesn't mean it disappears. It just means it might lack some of its magic properties. But maybe she has to be looking at me to do that, right? The person or object has to be in the cone. Okay.

Okay. Can I not shoot an arrow and dart around and then try to stab her with my magic sword instead? Uh-huh. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. Alright, I've rotated her so it's a little more clear. She does look like she's on her side now. Ah, I got a crit.

Hey! Yeah, natural 20. Awesome. And then that's already natural 20 awesome and then that's already let's see long sword oh hey Brian roll your damage

because you created yeah so it's 11 and that's with the double damage? Oh, no. It's double? Okay, so... Double the dice damage, yeah. Yeah, you don't tip on tax.

All right. It wasn't 11. It's 10. And so 10 plus 2, or doubled, is 20. Great. So 21 points of damage as you slash into the mother brain. Are you going to slash again? Yes. All right.

He's doing it, guys. He's doing it. Is a 16 a hit? Nope. Unfortunately, that's going to be a swing and a miss. Well, that's it. Darkthor, don't you have that magic sword that you can give

hits or things to other people when you use it? Yeah. Is that a magic quality, though? I don't know. Oh, I guess he went around. This might be a Dan Telfer question. Yeah.

I believe it is part of the magic of it. But no, but he went around, so he's not on the phone anymore. Oh, did you? You're behind him? Yeah. That's what he said, yeah. That's how I got double. I'm sorry. I missed you saying that. I'm going to scoot your token

in the future if you guys can scoot your tokens. That would be rad in Roll20. It will help me keep track when my attention span is not there. Okay. Gracias. Think of it as your minis. If you can move your own mini because I'm behind the screen it

helps so who's next that would be tiktok i will uh um aid him with my sword with whatever magic my uh yeah all right so you can give him an extra attack a dodge or i can give him an extra attack, a dodge, or... I'll give him an extra attack. A dash. Yeah, okay. Sound good? Yep. Sounds great. I'm also going to put everybody's initiative here in roll 20.

Now, that'll take too long. Never mind. I've got it at a separate dock. Who cares? TikTok, you're up. Cool. Just a question. Who are these little friends up north? Those are the halflings.

I did not have halfling tokens ready because I am a bad Dungeon Master. So we've got a couple of narwhals out there in place of halflings. That's what's great about the digital world. You actually, unlike real life, where you would probably have a giant pile of halfling tokens and no narwhals, I have too many narwhals and no halflings.

Too many narwhals. So can I take my attack then against Mother Brain? I wish you would. All right. Do I need to... I'm assuming i'm because i'm in front of her i'm inside that cone so i need to do a non-magic attack does that sound correct i'm going to go back to that tab and look you're you're not sure the anti-magic cone is something you uh don't immediately have a feeling or visual for. Got it. But she's right in front of me.

So I'm going to just for this extra attack, I'll swing with the axe just to be safe. The great sounds good. Will you please slide your token within melee range? Will you? Boom. Great. It's a 25 to hit. Cool. That is 25 to hit. Cool.

That is definitely a hit. It's, ooh, sweet. I got the full 12 plus three, 15 points. Great. Okay. So you hack it with your axe and damn, that thing, that axe really just dives right into one of her eye stocks and does some serious damage.

Cool. that x really just dives right into one of her eye stocks and does some serious damage cool i'm going to knowing that that cone is there it's i'm assuming now is it now my turn yes okay okay i'm gonna risk it i'm going to pull back here to the side so in theory I'm out of the cone. Okay.

And then I want to fire my bow. Is that good? Great. Oh my god. Refuse to delete the dick someone drew on the map. Long, long way. So the first one's probably missed. It's a 14. Oh my god. Refuse to delete the dick someone drew on the map. So the first one's probably a miss. It's a 14.

That is a miss. Let's shoot again. Second one's also a miss. That is a 16. Yep. Action surge. I'm going to action surge I'm going to action surge okay

I'm going to try and do the same thing again with the bow I wish you would god damn it 18 that is a hit thank god so it's a d8 plus 4 for the arrow

so it's 8 points for the arrow. Um, and then I'm going to, oh, I keep fucking forgetting to do that. Uh, I'm going to make this an arcane shot. I'm making it. It's called a shadow arrow. It's one of my new arrows. Oh shit. So it's going to take 2d6 psychic damage

so that's nine points of psychic damage and the mother brain now has to make a wisdom saving throw unfortunately it's a dc-13 it's not great okay Okay. Oh, shit. Four plus nine. Thirteen. She failed, man. Thirteen? Shit.

Is it? No, she had nine total. Oh, nine total? She rolled a five plus four. I misspoke. I did the math and my brain couldn five plus four. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I misspoke. I did the math and my brain couldn't keep up. So she failed. It's just quarantine, man.

We just got to be strong. So when the arrow hits, in addition to causing that damage, a magical sort of shadow surrounds, and she is unable to see anything farther than five feet away from her. What? Until the start of my next turn. Oh my goodness. Yeah, that's why I tried to do that. That's a sick fucking move.

I don't know if that will affect her magic sight cone, but I hope so. Interesting. Okay. Interesting. Okay. Wow. Okay, so that was the first of my action surge. Well, I only get one more. Yeah, that's a miss. 13. I'm rolling horribly.

It's okay. You're just in a boss fight. What's the worst thing that'll happen? Someone will draw a dick on the altar! Someone? It already happened. It's a new Wes Anderson gag-a-lot. I'm sorry, is that your turn? That was it.

Alright, up next I think is, yep, the mother brain. So, she's got this cloud around her and can't see farther than five feet. That means she cannot see anyone

except for Darkzer, which of course she can see because she has eye stalks in addition to her main eye. So she's going to pivot around and attack Darkzer. Sorry, Darkzer. Can't you duck can't you like do a five foot jump

do you get some sort of jump of opportunity if she's making a turn nope she's just she's like gonna pivot um one two thank you uh she is going to Bless you Thank you She is going to

I'm going to take your temperature, sir Go for a tentacle attack With one of her eye stalks She's going to swing a dark She rolled 13 Dark, what's your AC? 15 stocks. She's going to swing a Darkthor. She rolled 13. Darkthor, what's your AC? 15.

Oh, she misses! Nice. Good. I like it. Oh my god, is that her turn? Yeah. Yes. That's awesome. Yes, I'm going to attack with my great axe.

I'm going to rage. Yeah. And attack with my great axe. Rage, brother. Can I get around to her, attack her eye? You sure can. Yeah, you got to go around to Darkthirst's side, though. Could you drag your token, please?

Oh, you're going to axe her in the eye? Oops, I'm still drawing. Oh! He's revealed himself as the culprit! I ain't ashamed. How do I switch, though? Go up to the top arrow. Got it! Thank you.

Thank you for showing him. Thank you. All right. So now I will attack. That's a 15. It's a miss. I will try again.

Okie dokie. That is a 12. That's also a miss. Good lord. And as my bonus action, I will get out of the way. You'll get out of the way? What? Can I scoot for a bonus or no?

Sure. You can definitely scoot. Up next, we have one of the mind witnesses. Uh, sure. You can definitely scoot. Scoot it. Up next, we have one of the Mind Witnesses. So, we're gonna go ahead and have... Darkthor's bored of the Wild West. I know, Jesus, how far

did we get in the episode before Darkthor just fucking gives me an eye roll nap? Give me intelligence saving throw house scene. Ooh. Well, four. But I have advantage

against being charmed and magic can't put me to sleep, if that matters. Oh. Okay, well, you're not being charmed, unfortunately. Okay. You're being hit with a psychic ray from the mind witness. So you're going to take

6d8 psychic damage. 6d8. So. 6d8. So I'm rolling those dice. It's a good gasp, you guys. Jesus. We have to kill this thing much faster. I hope he gets 6

ones. Yeah. It also was one of these other guys that we can also be attacking those guys. Sure. But I guess I'm not going to get a chance to do anything. Only 25 points of psychic damage. Okay.

Huh. Hmm. It seems like a lot. Hey, how many of these guys besides the Beholder are there? Well, you know, it's funny you should say that, Blaine, because it's almost your turn. Before it's your turn, Dr. Uid, a halfling starts running towards you. You see him on the cliff above you. Now it is your turn.

There are two halflings with tentacles growing out of their shoulders, these two mind witnesses, and the beholder. So there are currently five people in here. One of them's coming towards me. Oh, yeah. Can I throw a hold person on that guy? Yes, you can. Then I'm going to do that. How's that grab you?

Is there another guy within 30 feet of him? Great question. 5, 10, 15, 20. There are two people. No, all of them are within 30 feet of him. I think I can get two of those guys. Yeah, I mean, if you want, You could go for him and the other halfling Can I just throw a whole person

On those guys Yeah I believe they Have to do wisdom saving throw What's your spell save DC sir My spell save DC is 14 Well they have a plus zero To their

Spell save DC We rolled a three 14. Okay. Well, they have a plus zero to their spell save, Disky. We rolled a three from the first guy running up on you, and a three on the second guy. Hey! Alright. Is that going to be my... I don't know if I get any sort of crazy rage unless

I think about the way they used to treat me in the cafeteria. You have to roll a 20 and not botch it. That is correct. Hey, I rolled a 20 and I didn't botch it. Nice. Is there, do I get another action or am I just throwing the whole person on the couch? I believe your action, you can move if you want to. I would like to move. Is there a way for me to throw a spell on myself or is that just going to have to wait? Unless you have one that

you can use as a bonus action, no. Okay. I am not sure what spells you have available. I just wanted to throw some long strider on myself so that I could make it down to the water fountain and back before my turn came up. Fun.

All right. After Dr. Uwit... my turn came up. Fun. Alright. After Dr. Uwit... Wait, Dr. Uwit, are you moving? Yeah, I'm gonna try to... Sorry, let me... So, okay. The way that Halfling is kind of perched right now, he's like on this old

five-foot riser. TikTok climbed up two of those risers to fire that shadow arrow. You can go up those riser. TikTok climbed up two of those risers to fire that shadow arrow. You can go up those risers. It's going to cost you some movement, but not much as you see. TikTok had no problem doing it. Yeah, I'd like to do that.

I want to put some space between me and the beholder too. Okay. So can I... You want to go up one and like sort of between the two halflings or past her kind of more to the left? I would like to get past her more to the left.

Okay, so I'm going to show you at the ruler. Yeah, I have to stay in range of the... That's how far you can go. See the pink arrow? Yeah, okay. You can go up there if you want. That's good. Perfect. Up to the... Drop your token in one of those spots, will you? Right there?

Is that the guy? Yep. Hey guys, I'm over here. I found a table. Okay. Next we have the other mind witness. This one is going to circle around

and float through here. Oh. What the hell? Don't like that. I'm going to need a dexterity saving throw from Dargthyr. Alrighty.

They're ganging up on our admiral. Things are getting weird in Dick Drawing Dungeon. It's 15. Ooh, alright. You see a pink ray shoot out of one of its little eye stalks

And zap the ground next to you Okay Yikes And then after that We've got The other halfling who is Currently being held But that means it gets to make another

Wisdom saving throw to try to break free of its Old person Oh It rolled a 15 it gets to make another wisdom saving throw to try to break free of its old person. Oh, it rolled a 15. What was your spell save DC again, Blaine? I have... I think it's a 15. I had a 14 and a 15.

I'm not sure which one. I think it's a 15. Okay. Yeah, the 14 was an old paper. I have a 15. Did I say 15? I meant 27. Okay.

So I'm trying to remember how spell save DC works. I don't know why I'm blanking. Chris, do you remember? I'm completely blanking. I think if it's a tie, you get it, I think it's the same thing as armor class. Thank you. Uh, for whatever reason, I doubted myself. I just, I just, uh, blanked.

So the guy back there shakes himself free and he starts running up here. Uh, Hey, Tik Tok. I'm going to have you do an athletics check as he tries to grapple you. Cool. Athletics. Copy. He rolled a six. 19.

All right. So you just kind of toss him aside. You see he's got something in one of his fists, but he's like, like, he's got maybe a weapon somewhere. You can't see, but it looks like he's just trying to grab you. Is it a blue crystal?

Do a perception check. Maybe it's the stolen ice cream sandwiches. A perception, you say? 19. You see something glowing in his hand motherfucker trying to dose us

yep this is like a rave I went to in Toronto once it is Halcine's turn okay so this is a tricky one I was just sorting through my spells I am and just to clarify she is now Uh, this is a tricky one. I was just sorting through my spells.

Um, I am, and just to clarify, she is now facing, I'm looking at the thing, Dan, so you don't come at me yet, but it looks like she is facing away from me. So hopefully I'm not in her cone. Hello? Um, yeah, you're not, you're definitely not in her cone right now because she's got her back to you right now. Right, okay. And how high is the ceiling in here? About 100 feet. Great.

I'm going to try call lightning, I guess. I'm going to cast call lightning. Okay. Which is a storm cloud appears in the shape of a cylinder centered in a point I can see 100 feet above me so I'm gonna go ahead and

call lightning I'm trying to use D&D Beyond right now which I don't normally do but because okay cast got it okay so i'm gonna cast it and um at third level using a third level slot so um each creature within five feet of the point that i pick is now she's large enough i assume that i can just pick her. it's going to,

you know, she has to do a, um, we're kind of saving throw a deck. Very saving throw. She has a plus zero to her decks. She rolled an 18. Um, okay.

So she's going to take half damage. And I'm casting at third level, so it's 5d10. Ooh. It's about half of that, obviously. Uh-huh. So currently she's down, let's see, 1728. She's down 49 hit points okay so 25 so she takes 12 points of damage

um and also um I have a thing where um uh when you deal lightning damage to a large creature or smaller, I can push it 10 feet, shove it 10 feet away. So I don't know if that's helpful or not. I'm kind of trying to figure out looking at roll 20. It seems like everybody's on the other side.

So I guess what I would do, if possible, would be use that to shove her more towards the her people you know back towards the altar area and if that works that would be what I would want to do yeah that'll work so she's gonna sort of tumble up here that does mean she's within slashing range of tick tock sorry I didn't see you

wait you didn't notice me behind the giant dick yeah I'm sorry I can't see you. And you. Wait, wait, wait. You didn't notice me behind the giant dick. Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't tell the difference between... I need to bone up on my roll 20 because everybody looks the same to me. Maybe I need a bifocal. You can enlarge it.

And begin? A slider. Yeah. Okay, so forget that. I'm not going to do that then because i would not be that dumb so done she takes 12 points damage or whatever so okay cool that'll do it are you gonna move at all uh no i think i'm gonna stay put where i am sounds good dark, you're back at the top. So I continue to do what I did last time. You're going to hack and slash?

Hack away, yeah. I will say she's now facing you. There's also a guy behind you. Okay, so I'm going to go around to her right and try to stab at her side. Okay. Alright.

16's not a hit, right? Nope, I'm afraid not. Okay. Brian, attack it. It's brought to you by Craft Doubles. Twice the cheese is Craft Singles. Craft Doubles, fuck you, heart!

22 on the next one. Where are you exactly? To her right, like up in her guts. So like here, where I moved you? Yeah. Alright, so the 22

roll your damage if you didn't and I missed it. I didn't, yeah. Ten. Nice. Doing the double, right? Was it a crit? Oh, no.

Yeah, it wasn't. So just five. Sorry. Okay. It's not a natural 20. I know what I did. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's all I got. Up next, we got TikTok. Darkthor, do you want to gift an attack again?

Yeah, absolutely. It's like Secret Santa of violence. Have one. Please have an extra attack. For me? Thank you. All right, well, seems this little fucker's right next to me,

so I will swing at him with my great axe. Okay. 24 to hit. That's a hit. 14 points of slashing damage to Johnny Eyestocks. How do you want to see Johnny Ice Docks go down? I want to swing the axe

so that the Ice Docks pop off, but he's not dead for a second. I'm like, and the axe comes around and takes out his head the same way as the Ice Docks. His eyes get real big right before you decapitate him. And you hear a good, good, good, good, good right before it happens when

he drops what is what was that in his hand do i see yeah he's got a little shard of glowing blue crystal in his palm that kind of opens up as his fist loses muscular ability all right so i will shout that out to the group and say you know they're trying to get us with the crystals. Do not let them touch you. And then can I take my regular turn? I wish you would love God. Can I just interject something before he does that? Maybe I'm putting myself in the line of fire. I already saw people complaining online about how I am the ask for homework person in this group.

Please stop fucking saying that. Look, I call it out myself, so I'm not going to be offended. But, however, it was not 5d10 that I did damage that I did. It should have been 3d10. So, to the beholder, I mean to the mother brain, you're going to need to chop off some of that damage that I did to her. Sorry. I will take three damage off.

Also, didn't we have a quiz today? This is what I'm saying. Look, no one can make fun of me for something that I already made fun of myself for. We're all... That's not how it works. That's actually not how it works. It is. If you call it out first, then the bully can't...

Right? We're totally okay with Martin being Martin. You're being Martin, and that's fine. Words can't properly express how weird it feels to be roasted by strangers on the internet as if they know you. It's like you know they mean well,

but at the same time, it's like, this feels like bullying. This is exactly like all the- No, it's not bullying. You say what you like. I'm just saying, I am well aware of my tendency, my homework asking tendencies. That has always been true.

That is the kind of person I am. I am pathologically honest. Hey, Sarah, is there a word for that kind of tendency? Like, could you look that up maybe before we play again? Is it schoolmarm? What are you trying to say to me? Truthophile. I was trying to get you to do homework before our next session.

You're not my teacher. I'm glad I learned about proficiencies. So you can criticize me all you want. But to be fair, you'll have to, like, unlearn that if you play with anyone else, because that's a house rule. What? Yeah. Although everybody, you guys, you still get bonuses for proficiencies. So make sure you're adding that to when you're proficient in something.

What? Yeah. Okay. There's like a proficiency bonus. It's usually like a plus two or three. Yeah, I get it. You fucking nerds. But where's my spell class?

Spell save PC. Can't find it on my sheet. That's because you're a fucking barbarian, you fucking weirdo. Oh, sorry. Anyway, TikTok, please do something before Brian goes this time. I'm going to fire my bow at the mother brain. please do something before Brian goes this time. I'm going to fire my bow at

the mother brain. Brian, when you wake up, you will be a duck. Now, Dan, question. This may not apply, but because there's sort of people around her, would she be counted as flanked? Would I get advantage on such a roll?

She is flanked, yes. Okay. But isn't flanking advantage only when you are in melee attack? I don't know. That's why I'm asking. Yeah, let me double check that for you. Rain. I see Queep on one side and Darkthor and

Halcyon on the other. I am due north. Yeah. If you're using flanking rules, only melee attackers adjacent to the enemy have advantage when flanking. You are not currently adjacent. I will shoot

my bow. Do it. Yes, Darkthor and Kweep, if you... Oh, shit. Did you miss one of your swings, Darkthor and Kweep, if you... Oh, shit! Did you miss one of your swings, Darkthor? No, why? Because you would have had advantage.

Good to remember for next time. What do you mean? You would have had advantage if you missed one of your attacks, but it's fine. Because you're fighting with Kweep. Oh, yeah. if you miss one of your attacks, but it's fine. Because you're fighting a creep. Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did miss one.

It wasn't high enough. It was 16, and you said it wasn't high enough. Okay, well, let's finish Chris's roll, and then we'll take a step back to yours. Now we care about the rules. Now who's asking us? Why don't you wait that one out, Sarah? I got a 20 with the bow. Now who's at a fight? Why don't you wait that one out, Sarah? I got a 20

with the bonus. Not a natural 20 with the bonus, a 20. Great, roll your damage, man. So it's a d8 plus 4. You guys hit hard. 2 plus 4 is 6. And I'm gonna I think I'm gonna do that

same arrow the shadow arrow a second time right because the shadow is dissipating off the turn it will be gone at the end of your turn yeah it will be dissipating now so I will so that's another 2d6 of psychic damage that's another 8 points of psychic damage

and then same deal as before so you hit with the shadow is what you're saying? Yeah, I hit with the it hits the arrow. If the arrow hits I can then unlock the arcane thing. So yeah, for the one that just hit. It's fucking wackadoo. I love it. So there

was an additional eight points of damage and I'll do that shadow arrow again. So it's got the same thing. DC 13 wisdom saving throw. Okay. 19 plus 4. It makes it. So the shadow thing disappears

and I will shoot my bow one more time. Okay. Okay. 18 to hit. That's a hit. Cool. That's at 6

plus for 10 points of damage from that arrow. Damn, alright. So those arrows, with the exception of that shadow, were pretty successful. What were you going to say, Chris? I'm just going to fall back.

I'll climb higher up the dick drawing, Dan. Climb that dick. Oh, probably not great. I've never seen somebody fall up a shaft. Fifteen. Okay, cool. You don't notice anything. Hey, Darkthor, let's have you make a

finish your advantage swing on your last turn. One more time. It's actually less. Oh, that's too bad. Could have been more damage. I'm glad you tried. Also, will you roll one more time for your success just to see if you got a crit? No. Okay. Great.

Alright, so that tidies up that. Up next, we have the Mother Brain. Her eye stalk is going, one of her eye stalks is going to fire something at you, TikTok. Bad idea. Oh. Please.

Constitution saving throw. I was like, Pete Seeger was here for a second. 23. Oh, wow. That's fantastic. So you're only going to take half of this. You're getting blasted with an enervation ray. The nerve of some people.

It's going to be 8d8 necrotic damage that will be halved. Is this poison or disease? Could it be? So that's 30 points of necrotic damage we have, so you take 15 points of necrotic damage. Ouch. Wait, how can you take necrotic damage if he doesn't have a body to have necrosis?

Necrate. Well, he does have a body. It's made of steel and wood and fibers. It's different, but it responds the same way an organic body would according to Dungeons and Dragons rules. That's right. Okay. See, I tried to use my power for good.

Yeah, you said I didn't have a body. Yeah, Sarah, let's try to be a little more consistent with your prag a body. Yeah, Sarah, let's try to be a little more consistent with your pragmatism. Yeah, I I've worked with Chris on this a little bit. I mean, basically they've tried to make it so it's not like he's

a golem. It's more like he is just a combination of organic. Mechanical man. Yeah. It's a weird living thing. It's gross, but yeah, the mechanical man thing is also like his sort of what he thought he was. He's turned out to be this Warforged thing

that is more organic. A mechanical man would sort of imply it's a clockwork kind of construct. Right. He's not. I thought he was a toy. You thought you were a TikTok from the Return to Oz or whatever. Hey, it doesn't matter what you are.

We believe in you. Dwayne with the inspiration today. All right, Queep, you are up. Ah, again with the battle axe. Sorry, guys. I got one of those Brookstone vibrating chairs. That was a 23. Battle axe.

23. Does Axe. 23. Does he roll with advantage too? Yes. Nice. Roll my damage. That's so great. Oh, son of a bitch. Eight. Eight.

Eight. All right. And again. Go for it. Mother Brain is down 97 hit points from her original pool. Jesus. 20. Not natural.

That's a hit. Yeah. That's all going on her insurance too. Her rates are going to go way up. Queep, those are two hits. Would you make any kind of battle cry for the listeners? Kakala beat you up.

That was 11. It was good natured, but it sure felt sleepy. Alright. So that is down more hit points. Anything else for you, sir? I'm going to dash away. It's my bonus.

Oh, I bet you're going to be glad you did when you see what's about to happen. Dash away, dash away, dash away. However far I can get. Okay. She is going can get. Okay. She is going to get to take a swing at you for an attack of opportunity when you do that.

Ah, got it. So this is going to be plus seven to hit. 19? Is that a hit? That is a hit. Alright. So you're going to take... Your pants, like, snagged on the bicycle chain.

13 points of bludgeoning damage. Hang on. Wait a second. Okay. Resistance. My rage. Uh-huh. So what, did it half it?

Uh-huh. All right. You got it. Cool. All right. It is now going to use one of its legendary actions, which it can use between its turns to create a psychic pulse between itself and a creature

it has a psychic link with. This means that we're going to... It's Reese Witherspoon. It's creating a psychic link between the mind witness and itself that is by the door still. So, Darkthir and Halcyon, you are going to make a spell attack. Nope. I'm with Brian.

Nope. Good work, Brian. I don't think it is. Shut it down. Yeah. That's not happening. Get in his face about it. What do you think this is?

You just do whatever you want? Halcyon and Darkthor, you're going to take eight points of psychic damage. Oof, okay. You all see, just this sort of whammy of force energy just sort of kapow, make the air kind of

shudder almost as if there's something there, but it just sort of creates ripples in the air. Right on you two. A whammy went kapow on us, huh? Whammy went kapow on you. That's my very technical Dungeons & Dragons fantasy lore speak that I'm using. I hope you appreciate how

technical it was. Get that engraved on the inside of a ring. The Mind Witness back there is now going to use its turn on Darkthir. Please do a constitution saving throw. Fuck you.

Not you, him. No, you can say fuck me. This thing. Not you, him. No, you can say fuck me. This thing. No, this thing. This mind, mind witness, whatever the fuck. When I was, when I broke my back,

I let a Jehovah's mind witness come into my house. When I was living with my mom because I was there for three months and I was super bored with a big brace and I let them in and I told them I was a Satanist and that they weren't going to be able to help me. That's the most detailed autobiographical story anyone has ever put in a mashup word play joke.

Did they just give up? No, they kept coming. Of course. They gave me books that I didn't read, and then I gave back when they came back and asked for the books back. Aw, they asked for the books back. Oh, it's like a community book. I got a natural 20 there, Dan.

Oh, shit. Okay, so you shrug off this green ray that blasts into you like it's nothing, and you just grit your teeth. I have Wrath of the Storm, which is triggered by an attack on me, but I just am not sure does that spell attack count as an attack? Yes. Okay, so was that guy within five feet of me? He sure might be.

Let me see. Yeah, he's just barely within five feet of you. Okay, then he needs to make a deck saving throw she will oh it was mother brain i thought it was she had a psychic link or something but yes well you're with you're just five feet away yeah uh

what saving throw decks 11 okay dc 14 so 2d8 lightning damage. Oh, shit. That's a psychic hot link. 13 points of damage. Wow.

Sorry, the delay. I was trying to Google to see if that... It just says attack, but I guess that means spell attack, too. That's my presumption. I also am willing to be wrong on this. I guess it is like a matter of language

that it's... By the time listeners hear this, it will have been too late. All right. That's a fun thing to do. So she sort of quakes with some lightning reaction there. How's the mother brain looking? Dan?

Not great. I mean, she's enraged. Her mouth is wide open. She's baring her teeth. She's howling. Oh, I'm sorry. I meant in terms of like bloody damage. What's she wearing? Is she wearing like Prada? Yeah.

She looks a lot like a mind flayer elder brain in that she's this sort of glistening uh dripping with brine pulsing brain just pink matter with like blood vessels all over it and sort of briny tentacles coming out with eyeballs at the end of it but you know it's hard to say there's splattered fluid and viscera all over the ground of it, but you know, it's hard to say. There's splattered fluid and viscera all over the ground, but it's hard to tell how much of it has actually hurt her. She's very large, so you feel like what

you're doing is progressively good, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. Dr. Uwe, you're up. Well, I'm up on this ridge. It looks like I'm behind Kweep, and there's a guy in front of me.

Is that guy still frozen? The guy is still held. He's going to try to resist again in two more turns. Two more people. He's about to get another try to resist your hold person. That one down there? Yeah.

Okay, yeah, because that one up here is dead. This one up here is dead, and this one down here has another chance. The one I'm picking is still up. Okay, he's held. I'm going to... Hey, how high... This cavern that we're in,

this cave, this place, how high is the ceiling, this place, how high is the ceiling in this place? It's about 100 feet. Uh-huh. And the walls behind us, it's just like cavern walls. They're not

jagged. They're not... Are they smooth? Are they carved? They're jagged. It's wet rock. There's limestone. There's ice. And these things are like, I'm sorry, I'm looking at these things on either side of her. Are those like big pillars or mountains?

Or are they columns? Yeah, they're pillars. Okay, and this up here, the gray area, where the dick is drawn, somebody has drawn a penis of some sort it's like a riser is and is that an altar that has been made by them or is this just like a natural place it's where she originally was it was definitely made by them though okay none of these formations were here the last time you were in this cave to fight the hag? Okay. I would like to use the...

I have the Wand of Telekinesis. And I would like to use this Wand of Telekinesis on the Beholder Lady. And I would like to kind of do a

Hulk and Loki kind of thing where I can like bounce her around or something or try to smash her to the ceiling? I don't know if I have enough range to get it to the ceiling. I think it's only 60 feet but I'd like to get her

like blast her into those columns a couple of times or just get her into the column once. And I would like to smash her into the column by way of going through this guy that is down here, like her little assistant. If I could bowling pin him on the way to the column. You can try.

What this is going to be, it's a spellcasting roll against a strength check from her. So do a spell roll, add your spell modifier. She rolled a 12. 17 plus 7

24 wow okay so now the mind witness is going to do a dexterity saving throw to try to not get smashed like a bowling pin as you said oh he did not roll high enough so he is

going to take will you roll really quick just 1d6 force damage on that mind witness? 4. Alright, so he's going to take 4 damage as he gets sort of banged over here. Mother Brain, however,

is going to get smashed into this pillar. That is going to be, let's see, please roll 4d6 plus 4 and that will be bludgeoning damage 15 19 alright also you hear

thank you tiny dice I love my Tiny Dice so much. Will you do me a solid and wait one second. So, the pillar cracks and rocks start to

tumble down and collapse on top of her and that mind witness. Oh. Oh. That happened to me once at a woman's house when I was

You guys see the whole ceiling just sort of go along with the pillar on top of the mother brain. Also, the structural integrity of this cave is becoming very unsafe. Everything is starting to shake. It feels like you've maybe got a few seconds before this whole cave collapses all around you. Let's go. There's no sign of the mind witness.

However, there is still a... There's no sign of the mind witness. The elder brain and the mind witness are buried under rubble right now, and there is still the one in the door and this held guy up here. Really quickly, I'm going to have the mind witness

go. Let's run at the door and stab the guy guarding the door. Mind witness retreats up here. What is that up there, Dan? What is...

Is that where the halflings came from? Correct. There's a cave back there. And then this guy's going to try to resist his hold person. Aw. He doesn't! He stays held. What do you guys want to do? Run out.

Get the fuck out of there. Dan, when we were here with the hag, do we remember that little upper area that he's making a dash for? You do, actually. What is it? That is where some goblins were imprisoned. And there was something going on back there.

It was like a pit, right? Yep. Was there a way out? You didn't really look around that much, but there might have been. Ah, fuck it. Alright, I'm following suit and running for the door, the same as everybody else. Alright, everybody do an athletics check.

Difficulty 10. Alrighty. 14 plus 3, 17. What did you guys get? Natural 20 plus 2, 22. Nice. 25. Wow.

17 plus 4. Holy shit, you guys are booking it. TikTok, what'd you get? 12. Oh, you made it. No. You guys get out of there, and just the rocks, they're crashing behind you.

You get to the mouth of the cave, and there's just this big woomph of dust before you make it to the edge, and you're coated. So you get out of there, you look around, there's ash on the snow in this big sort of circle around the entrance to the cave. It's all over you.

You know, you look like you were just in some kind of accident. There's no way anyone's getting out of this cave anytime soon. Have everybody do an insight check. Alrighty. Using my Preston die.

23. Oh, uh, Creep's gonna get something. What'd you get, Blaine? I got an 11. I'm not very insightful. Because I haven't been reading enough posters at work. Six. something. What'd you get, Blaine? I got an 11. I'm not very insightful. Because I haven't been reading enough posters at work. Six. Aww.

Queep, once again, despite the fact that you are a brutal barbarian and people might overlook your intelligence, you somehow pull off quite a bit of bird thinking. It feels like on your way out, you saw critical damage done to the Elder Brick.

You think she's dead for sure. However, you do think you saw out of the corner of your eye the mind witness that was Snaggin' Thoth's retreat into the cave before the ceiling collapsed. Interesting. And on that note, we will say farewell to episode 70. That was a good one.

Hey, Sam. Yeah? Hey, what happened that episode? I wasn't paying attention. Oh, don't worry. He was asleep for half of it. Today, we fought the Mother Brain and the Associates in a cave where we ended up trapped. We did one thing we

focused on one single task and i understood all of it excellent i hope you feel good oh you know what by the way uh well when everybody exits the cave um terry you came up north because uh was getting a little crazy in dame island so trying to like you know like find odd jobs around here you see all these guys run out of a cave oh hey everybody you got any smokes experimental what you heard me you prick You heard me, you prick. Ryan, anything you want to plug? Yeah.

On YouTube, subscribe to Posein the Band. I have a YouTube channel now for the band. And so far, I have my... We just put up a lyric video for Satan is kind of a dick. And then a bunch of videos are coming. We're we just put up a lyric video for Satan is kind of a dick. And,

uh, and then, uh, all a bunch of videos are coming. We're, uh, finishing up grandpa metal this week. We're doing it this style,

social distancing style. Uh, Kim failed, did a guitar solo for me and then sat in front of his computer and relearned his guitar solo to do it on video for us. Like my life is fucking amazing. It's not lost on me.

Soundgarden. I've liked that band since I fucking worked at Tower Records in 1989. It's fucking crazy. That's coming out. Tour dates are moving. See you in the fall. Prampasane.com.

Uh, and then, uh, thanks for listening. Thanks. Our Patreon supporters. Anybody else? Oh,

what's going on with you and the kitchenator? Oh, uh, we're going cross country in the Wienermobile. We can't, we can't stop, but we'll wave and we'll throw some wieners at you. It's just me and Stacy Keech in the Wienermobile. It can't stop, but we'll wave and we'll throw some wieners at you. It's just me and Stacy Keech in the wienermobile.

It's going to be about seven weeks. You're throwing wieners at people? Yeah, they refuel us with helicopters that fly over us and then they have one of those tubes that come down from a B-52 or one of those refueling plants

and just refuels the wienermobile with wieners. And then when we drive by, if we see anybody, we just throw them at them. But just make sure you don't touch them for 14 days because of the coronavirus. Cool. Dan, you with us? Yep. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.