Nerd Poker - Episode 79 - Feywilderness

Episode Date: July 28, 2020

The Ice Five have escaped to The Feywild, but oh yeah, they've never been here before and everything is a giant creepy glowing monster. Surely this will work out as some kind of harmless shortcut though, right???

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Clay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possein's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Possein, and you're listening to Brian Possein's Nerd Poker. It's episode 79. My friends are here.

I'm looking at their faces. Yeah, finally, totally. I've been waiting for this so long. It's episode 69 with two whole fists up your ass. Yeah. Ooh. Can you pass on the fist? Sorry, it's a club special.

We got to do the fists. I just fill it with my rope trick. I put my rope trick up my ass. No. Anyway, Sarah's here. 18 and older podcast, kids. Hi.

Chris. Hi. Hi. Dan. Oh, hi. What's up? Hey, buddy. What are we talking about? And on the upper left, as always, Sam. Hello, sweet children.

That's his new, he's used it more than twice, so it's his catchphrase now. What happened? Oh, well, we should thank people. We are gonna. I'm going to thank Patreon supporters who go by names like Spencer Wood. Thanks, buddy. Thanks, Spencer. Thanks for the gifts, too. I don't know if this is a reference. It sounds

a little unsettling. Thank you, Pam. Make me a tea. All right. Thanks. Thank you, Brandon Smith or Smythe. Thank you. Oh, thanks, Brandon. Thank you, Douglas Calabrese or Calabrese. Thank you. Thank you, Wild Garlic or Wild Garlic, however you pronounce it. Thank you. Or LIC. Thank you. Thank you. Wild garlic or wild garlic. However you pronounce

LIC. Thank you, Robert Collins. Thanks George. Thanks Todd Voss. Thank you. Thanks Alan Wofford Wofford. Thanks Joshua Paul Joubert or Joshua Paul Joubert.

I like the second one. Thank you, Chris Ferguson. Thanks. Thanks. Thank you, Craig second one. Thank you, Chris Ferguson. Thanks, Chris. Thanks. Thank you, Craig Big Eagle. Thank you, Craig Big Eagle. Thank you, dargthersourface.jpg. Thank you, Eric Score.

Thanks, Eric. Thank you. Thank you, Big Trouble in Little Donkey Land. Oh my gosh, how fun was that? And thank you, the patron formerly known as Rianu Keeves.

Thank you. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Those brought to you by Phelps. You need somebody helps. We're going swimming Phelps. Phelps Phelps Phelps. Phelps. Phelps. Phelps.

It's a great new movie that's swicking the drivers of London. Swinging the leaders. Phelps. 70 brand new Phelps songs from Michael Phelps. Phelps. Sits around. Phelps.

What in the world? Oh my god, what even happened? That got him that bad? This is what Sam's recaps are for. He will help us understand and we will learn.

You know, it's pretty unclear to me what just happened in the last two minutes of my life, but I do know what happened last time on Nerd Poker when the Ice Five teleported to the Feywild to get out of a cave and they were stuck in. Whoops-a-doodle. They went through a portal in TikTok's chest and found themselves in a strangely parallel cave in Adafhe Wild. That's how it's pronounced,, with an H after the W.

Anyway, the Ice-5 came to. Kind of took a little nappy poo, but there was a dinosaur with a segmented eel mouth outside. Gus tried to peek at it, and it stuck its whole face and upper body in the cave to try to eat him. The Ice-5 were going to charge and attack,

but Gus took his little stinger, stung the fuck on his face, and he passed out unconscious. The Ice Five now lie in a cave, glowing a little bit from a strange glitter in the rocks they slept in. And they're kind of just, you know,

hanging out. Alright. Gus, are you okay? Uh, yeah. I never did that to nothing before. Holy shit, what happened? You saw what happened. That's some crazy shit back there, boss.

Good work. So this thing is passed out we can't do any damage to it or it'll wake up it's plugging the cave right well here's what's so fun about this you guys see this thing it was you know having a hard time propping itself up on its back legs and kind of squishing its front face in there it probably had some kind of plan of how it could either get back back up its way out of there or whatever like reach farther in the cave it's got a small clearance of about three feet uh above its back as it sort of slopped down. But as its chest rises and falls, that

distance decreases to about one foot. Oh, interesting. So you gotta squiggle. And you gotta climb on top of it. Hmm. And if you hit it or wake it up or hit it even hard enough where it doesn't do damage

but the point is to wake it up. Wait, we can't fly over it? I didn't say that. So that's probably... But can you all fly? We got to do another... Can we fly this over, right? Can we just kill it?

I thought we learned new things. We have to kill it in one fell swoop. It'll wake up as soon as you... I mean, we could. Yeah, we could just try. I don't know how many hit points it has. Can I assume you're all walking up to it at this point? You're all like within about a few feet of the thing's face?

Yeah, I'm getting close. To its face? Okay. You got to climb over it or fly over it or something. Yeah, we got to get out of here in the next hour or so. There's no way around it on either side. No. I just realized Dan is, I can't go over it. Well, we can magically.

I was going to say, you look like Caroline. You know, here's the thing. It's kind of awesome. Doctor, don't you have a. From the cartoon. That dinosaur. Don't you have that dinosaur eyeball skull thing that can move things? I do.

I do. I do. It's using a druidic ruin on this, which is a drag. What would you use it for though? Can't you use it to uncork the bottle? Yeah, but if you move him, it'll wake him up. Don't you think?

Yeah. If there's any sort of, didn't you say that like any sort of, any sort of touching it or attacking it or anything? You can touch it, but like. I mean, when I'm teleported, I usually do wake up. Chris, why don't you reread them? Yeah, I'm going back.

Or telekinesis. It falls unconscious for the same duration, one hour, or until it takes damage or another creature uses an action to shake it awake that to me in my brain i'm like it's kind of like magically asleep and as long as we're not complete fucking dipshits well and like dan said we time it so we can yeah that's the problem it's asleep from being poisoned so i as long as we're not ourselves i it's basically like knocked out i mean you you when it says to use an action to shake it awake uh if you're not say passing a certain check you might give it a little bit too much of a nudge between the ribs right right right i would think

that we should all just try to do like a dexterity run when it's time it with its breathing get out behind it and then you know if it comes chasing after us we can i will say i love the idea of creep trying to fly you over it but there's just not enough there's no room yeah okay all right so we just gotta then we just gotta climb so let's go is there a way out of here as as we climb up on it is there a way we could like if we all help each other with the timing and kind of go, you know, so that way we could give each other advantage on these decks checks, at least to sort of like, if we all get in the rhythm of when to crawl that could help each other.

This thing is big enough, wide and organically shaped and it's moving. There's just no room for you guys to really be close enough while you're doing it. It's one person at a time and And you could do a little bit of... Maybe you could grab someone if they slipped off the side of this thing as they're crawling. But you don't think that this is easy. How about this?

Big fire is coming off its back. I mean, it's uneven. How about if we try to tie a rope around it so I can choke it out while it's sleeping? If you start choking it, you think it will wake up. But if we just yank on the rope and... I mean, I have...

I could get rid of it. I could banish it, but I really don't want to use a spell for that. I feel like we should... Let's crawl. Let's crawl, and if it fails, then I will try to banish it to another plane of existence. That's not right. It's the old one. You have it written down. Brian will try to banish it to another plane of existence. Okay. That's not right. It's the old one. You have it written down.

Brian's talking to Rose. That's not right. You're going to banish it to another plane of existence? That's not right. Also, he took his earbuds out, so he can't hear us talking about it. Your desk. Yeah. My desk?

This is crazy. It's always my desk. You know we can hear you, right? Even when you take your own earbuds out. What? Bye, everybody. Oh, sorry. No, I know. I'm sorry. Anyway, we had a lot of fun, and now we're back.

Dave's not here, man. So we're crawling through, right? We it yeah we're gonna start and climb over this let's do it is hey you know what bad idea i i uh i do like the a weird idea of being able to slip a noose around it and tie it to something in the cave so that if we do wake it up it can't it it will kill itself trying to back its head. It'll have its head trapped in the cave. We don't have to do that. It won't be able to turn around.

Once we get past its head, it certainly wouldn't be able to turn around. It can just smash us. It's going to have to back up. I mean, I feel like we're doing a lot to try to, in case it wakes up, I feel like if that happens, then we can deal with it. As I said, I think I can get rid of it, hopefully, if it fails a check. Okay. Let's get rid of it. I guess the question is, is the chance of doing

that a chance of waking it up? So maybe we should just, you know, go for it. Just ready that banishment. If you need it. Let's go over an order. Let's figure out an order and go. Yep.

Whoever can get weightless do it and then whoever else has to use stealth and dex do that yeah someone is it does anyone want to cast helium on themselves i'm sorry what what do you what do you want to do what do you want to do i'm gonna cut off my wings later i'll stealth over it to get lighter. I'll stealth over it. You're going to stealth over it? Well, I don't know. I mean, I'm leaning. I'm crawling over.

I'm saying like you're saying. You're going fast. Sure, sure. When it exhales, you say it drops down. So I'm ready to go. And so as it starts exhaling, I start moving through to maximize my time with the space. Cool. Let's get an athletics check. Athletics.

I say we all move beyond its jaws before we do this. So it doesn't wake up and start pointing at people. So you're all going to walk past its neck up to where its shoulders start to slope up into its back. Yeah. Okay. Let's get that athletics roll.

Natural 20 plus 6 you guys all see TikTok kind of like climb up onto the shoulders very carefully and as soon as its breath goes down he kind of just clambers over its back TikTok you get you know like out of the cave halfway

through this thing's body and you just see its massive tail kind of flopped out its hind legs kind of bent awkwardly from where it collapsed okay um you're in a small glen there are trees swaying in the night breeze is there anything else around here oh sure do a perception check why don't you okay i don't want to interrupt the what else is going on? We're going to go right into someone else

climbing before you can build a campfire or some shit. 18. You think you see a little deeply like maybe a couple hundred feet into the tree line. The tops of the trees move back and forth a little bit differently from the other trees.

What? So, see a whole bunch of trees. There's like a little forest just on the other side of this glen. And you think you see the tops of a couple of those trees kind of rock back and forth separate from the other trees. Something's coming. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Who's next? Great.

I believe Sarah was next in the order i don't know okay i'll go here i go no i'm gonna roll i'm gonna roll using the dnd beyond so that i can blame that instead of my own rolling hand well dnd beyond has digital dice now folks yes. Yes, they do. In the Isle of Nail book, there are glacier icy dice. Sarah, you should pray to a valkyr and make him roll better for you. I thought about that. I was going to pray to him

if I fail. Is it a dex? I'm sorry? Oh, it's an athletics check. Athletics check, okay. Oh, boy. I'd have you do a dex check if this thing wakes up okay do not wake the saving throw i mean yes 18 all right same thing how soon gets thank you dnd beyond she gets her boots planted firmly on its shoulders uh thanks to dnd beyond.com you see her clamor over its back

feathers as its breath goes down and you're able to able to join TikTok outside the cave where you see this thing's tail and hind legs just jutting out awkwardly as it sleeps. I scream excitedly. No. How sarcastic was that? JK, obviously. I stabbed it in the butt excitedly. I will point out to her immediately the trees and go, I think something's coming. Just so it's not a shock.

And I think I'm up. Let's see you, Queep. Queep Athletics Check. What could possibly go wrong? Negative four. Nineteen. Beautiful. You see Queep do the same.

Plant his boots on this thing and you're very carefully able to plant your spiked boots in spots between its feathers that do not wake it up as you also clamor over its

back and outside joining house scene and tick tock cuckoo bird clamor over its back and outside joining house scene at TikTok. Phew. Cuckoo bird. Cuckoo. Heh. All right. Uh, mine, right, or me?

I think it might be you. Okay. Okay. 16 plus 4. Oh, God. 20. Beautiful. 16 plus 4 20 beautiful you have no trouble getting up there whatsoever

following it all works out great for you also that leaves none other than Dr. Uwud and Gus I'm going to turn into a furry green snake and I'm going to turn into a furry green snake and I'm going to slither past it

without touching it at all. And I also didn't lose my mind. You still have to do the same athletics check everybody else does, but you're trying to do it on the wall without touching. That's cool. I got an 18.

Beautiful. 15 with a 3. But I like being the snake for a while. Digging a break. I see a furry green snake slither out of the cave. It's actually got grass on it and stuff. I didn't mean fur. A grass

snake, you say? Yeah, a grassy snake. i might have some clover on me somewhere if i'm lucky hey boss uh you want me to try flying sure yeah i was thinking you were wrapped around me but we should you're right we should make it i'll give it to you that's it that's it that's it that's an easy gimme you rolled, so that wouldn't cause a problem. I should have said something. In my head, he was like, whatever, in my jacket or however. But apparently, I will no longer carry him that way because that is uncomfortable. I love that. That's a joke I wrote like a year ago.

I totally forgot about it. All right. You guys are all standing outside in this quiet, dark glen. The pink-leaved trees swing very slowly back and forth. The sound of a strange glen. Glendanzig? Sorry. Cool.

Fuck me, I guess. Yeah, there's like weird forest noises, weird magical noises. You're in the Feywild, everybody. I'll tell them that it seemed like there was something coming. I hope it's a big mouse! It seems like the trees are moving differently?

Is that what you said? But is it also... But also, Dan, is it nighttime? You said a dark glen. It is. Let's just go. Is everyone's out? Let's get us out of here. But also, Dan, is it nighttime? You said the dark, Glenn. It is. Okay. Yeah, Blake Dan's here. Let's just go.

Is everyone's out? Yeah. Let's get us out of here. Everything's kind of pink, though, right? A little pink. Or just where we are. Pink leaves in the trees. The trees themselves are tree-colored.

Oh, okay. Yeah. There's like glistening sort of lights everywhere that you think might be either fairies or some sort of bug glistening is troubling yuck yeah is that energy wet i didn't say i did not say that anything was wet or the m word i don't mind moist it reminds me of cake i don't know why everyone hates it so much yeah duncan hines we have we all seen those videos of the fucking crocs and other things that look like uh other items that you cut them with a knife and it's cake things are cake yes

my favorite was the video where someone takes a knife to an actual box of tissue for like they're like look it's cake and it it just fucking hits it with a knife. Chris, you were about to say something. Is the energy, the Tron glow in the ground, are we seeing that out here, too? You all kind of look at your hands, and with the exception of Gus, all of you are glowing. Maybe I'm pregnant. Is it the same glow that we saw when my chest turned into a door define same well you said it was a blue glowing energy is this this are we are we now coded in

that energy or is this feywild energy uh it's like a glow from within the energy that came out of your chest was sort of a sparkling blue light. This does not necessarily correlate with that, that you can tell. You can do an insight check if you really want. Sure. I just want to make sure where it's coming from. 11. Nothing good.

You don't notice anything. I'm going to cast detect magic, and that says that I should be able to um if it's magic i should be able to learn at school oh okay hope it's not devry okay trump university uh this is tricky because it is uh magic that does not come from like a sentient being, but it seems similar to something from the evocation school. Okay, well, that didn't really help. I guess I was hoping it might be able to give me more insight into its provenance. Right. I mean, it seems like it came from some sort of natural phenomena. So the rocks made us glow? Is that what it seems like? Or maybe TikTok's theory is correct, but some sort of phenomena is causing it to glow.

All right. Well, let's just book it. And I guess, you know, we don't have to go all the way. We can just travel far away from the cave or a while away from the cave and then go back. Right. We were just trying to avoid that one dragon. So we don't have, it's not going to have to stay here until we get to. We can,

we can start going. Yeah. So like, let's just go a little bit a ways and then like a half a day or something and then travel back to our world do we want to right do you want to head to where the donkeys are in back in our world and oh our donkey i mean you left you left the donkeys about 20 feet from the glen outside the cave can we just travel back donkeys should we just travel back now r.i.p those were donkeys not necessarily trying to avoid

that dragon we could yeah we can travel back now if we're aware that the dragon may just be waiting there still oh oh there was another one there was an earthquake yeah there was oh yeah there was a dragon waiting for us out shrieking laughter right there was a reason we traveled here. Yes. Okay. Bringing the cave down on our heads. Yeah. I mean, we could, we could, he might've gone by now. It's been 10 hours or whatever, cause we were resting. So. Is there a way to, do we have to go back to the exact same place that we left from?

We can, we can travel here. And then I guess wherever we travel back to, we'll be. Yeah. With Gus, boss, if you guide us, you can kind of get us more or less to the same place back in Clottenheim, right? Like, as far as the donkeys? No, not the donkeys, but more like, let's say we wanted to head towards Pandemonium's Fang right now. You could get us towards Pandemonium's Fang. Oh, yeah. I could get you closer to Pandemonium's Fang.

Maybe we could even see Pandemonium's Fangang oh yeah i could i could get you closer to pandemonium's fang maybe we could even see pandemonium's fang in the feywild yeah i mean that's the thing basically what i'm saying is we can travel as far as we want here and then just go back if and when we need to so let's just get going on our original great direction are we giving up on the donkeys i think so and unless we want to go back and get the donkeys. I mean, I'm just thinking a little bit about Finkle Dink Dinkle Shink. Oh, not Hote.

Poor little Hote. They lasted one episode. So, uh... And then they baled. Get it? They eat hay. They eat bales of hay. Before you start embarking on the trail so to speak let's get a perception check from everybody

no well it's been nerd poker everybody it's one of our shorter episodes but Blaine is not having it got a nine twenty having it. 16. Got a 9. 20. Okay.

First of all, 9, 11. Never forget. Second of all, Oh, I totally forgot. If you got over an 18, you notice there's something moving in the trees off to the right. Great. To the left then so you have left

left means closer to the east you're coming out of a cliff that is in the north wall of this sort of glen as you start heading that way you can tell something is moving into the glen behind you as you start heading that way, uh,

you can tell something is moving into the Glen behind you as you exit the Glen. Should we, uh, doctor's magical rope it for and shake this thing or do we, do we want to keep running? Well, you're about a hundred feet away from the,

the Feywild creature that you've put to sleep so you've got to go back into the glen you just exited the glen uh if you want to rope it down you got to go back in there and like i said something just entered the glen you left so uh are you are you missing something oh i feel like what you're implying it would be rather dangerous i thought i meant i meant hide up his secret rope hole. Oh, I thought you meant do something with the guy. Sorry, I misunderstood. That's all right.

Running? Yes? Yes. Running away. Let's run. Great. Athletics check. Give me everybody.

All right. Roll for running away like cowards 22 15 14 sorry i'm sorry 24 but go ahead great wow uh well creeps just fucking flies through there yeah i mean you get out of there you definitely hear there's there's loud crashing noises in the forest behind you as you run gus tries to guide you and you start getting up into some hills you know it only takes you a few minutes but you're in these hills and you see this huge mountain in the distance it's got a perfect ring of clouds around it is it pandemonium's fang i guess go that's the fang and that's what it looks like in the

feywild and we can just sort of like uh zoom in on it and then make the transition back into our own shitty universe pretty much right now you're in a little gap between the trees you're in a wooded area uh there's a trail nearby that you can sort of see in the distance. And that's where the altar is, right? In the mountain. Yeah. Okay.

Is it easier, safer? Is there a reason to climb it here and then go there? I think the reason is the giants. As long as we're ready at any time to transition back, which we are right you just open up that chest I don't know

I like how you said that I don't know all right Richard Bay starts gonna get his arms I do I do hope that listeners know how great everyone's facial expressions were when I described Tick Tock's shirt starting to unbutton. It's not what I was expecting.

I just hope the fan art community has our backs on this one. I hope they're scratch and sniff and they smell like high karate. So climbing or going back? Climbing, right? Yeah, let me just keep going let's do it until we can't alright

so are you trying to avoid confrontation if so I will have you do a stealth check everybody stealth check tiptoeing through the woods

be really quiet tiptoeing through the woods 20 Nice 5 22 Beautiful 24 and 11

Is what I heard Alright so You're all kind of walking along, trying to be sneaky and creep. You just step on this thing that feels like a tree root at first. And then you hear a loud squawking noise come from the ground

and the root kind of slithers into the dirt. Run. All right, let's get an athletics check from everybody. You hear a crackling noise coming from a nearby tree. What the freak? As you start running. Thirteen. Thirteen. Thirteen.

What was the check? Athletics. Twenty-five. Dice tower problems. I love that you're still using your dice tower. Why wouldn't I? How are you for physical objects? Yeah.

Oh, that was not a burn for when you used the... That was just not a subtweet, no. 17. Same. Oh, I'm sorry, 20. Oh, not same. I just said 17. Thank you for saying you're sorry, Ken.

Sorry, 19. Ken. I can't add. Sorry. 19. Ken. I can't add. Decent rolls from everybody, though. Yeah, so you just start looking at it. You can sort of hear over your shoulders a, like, kadumsh, kadumsh, kadumsh noise through the trees as you focus ahead. Uh-oh.

The kadumsh is coming. This is the thing that we escaped from before? Oh, no. This is the thing that we escaped from before. Oh, no. This is something new that Ken stepped on. Would you like to look over your shoulder and find out? Yeah. No. Yeah.

You look over your shoulder, and it looks like one of the trees has sprung to life and kind of unfolded into this spider-like creature. Oh, no. Wow. Made of parts of tree with branches and pink. Tree spider. Pink leaves coming out of it.

I thought the fail wild was supposed to be like cool donkeys and shit. This is nuts. I just got you guys so much thinking about donkeys that it's just the dream at this point. I thought it was going to be like fairies. Can we escape this thing or do we need to go right back now?

I mean, you look back ahead, you're kind of jogging. There are hills coming up. You think that you might be able to find some rock cover, but this thing is pretty large. So you feel like it's going to be tricky to completely lose it unless you can find... Is it actively chasing

us? Yeah, it's weaving between the trees as much as a large thing that's tree-sized can. Why don't we just kill this thing? We're the Ice Five. Yeah, I'm gonna... Yeah, how big is it? It's like if a tree just split into a spider. It's this really tall, spindly thing.

Is it made out of wood, or it just looks like a tree? How many legs? It has eight legs. It's like one of those leaf mantis creatures except instead of it being a mantis shaped like a leaf, it's a spider that folds up like a tree. It has six legs or

eight legs or how many legs? It's a spider. It's eight. I should make you roll perception to count its legs, but it's like, you know, at least six legs. It's hard to tell because it's behind some trees right legs, but it's like, you know, at least six legs. It's hard to tell because it's behind some trees right now, but it's coming for you. That would be an insect. Okay, I cast call lightning on it.

Great. That would be an insect, Dan. Does it have a thorax? No, it's a tree. Not really. It's got wood looking parts that are hard to identify though so this is going to be a dexterity saving throw it fails so roll your damage um so i am going to actually something that i have called my where is it um interesting basically i can do max damage no not wrath of the storm yeah uh it's my channel divinity i think oh shit all right

i think yeah i submitted a packet to some shows on okay can someone i just want to look it up very quickly oh uh blaine can you tell us what this lookup is brought to us by please i certainly can this lookup is brought to you by dry idea i had a purse print with a pinch of vermouth this is driest idea i think you're probably ever going to have. Excuse me. Dry idea. Any purse print in general? Oh, my God.

Yeah, so it takes 30 points of damage. I think I'm going to be... Damn. And I thought if it was a tree spider, the lightning might make it catch on fire. Well, the lightning does sort of collide with it. Let's burn some woods.

Some of the branches on nearby trees do burst into flame. The branches on this thing do not exactly catch on fire, but they do look burned. What would you say to it? It's still alive, so I would say go away. Be like a tree and go fuck yourself. You're fired. Would you like to fuck off?

So that storm cloud's just gonna follow it following us, and I'm just gonna keep doing that every turn until it dies and goes away. Awesome. Just real good bits, you guys. I'm real proud of all of us. You had to be there for that one, you guys.

Just kindling. I have terrible news. I was there for that. Act like a log and split. Note, it's a reference to like a 30-year-old Steven Seagal bit that Blaine and I, we went to Yosemite together to perform stand-up in like 1990 or 92. 93 or 94, yeah. And we loved Steven Seagal, and we loved doing comedy bits,

and we wrote a bunch of – because Steven Seagal always had three-word titles for his movies. March for Death, Above the Law. One of ours was Wood for Sale. And I knew he would laugh, and he did. So it's all worth it. A four instead of a four. Wood for sale. You can write backwards.

You can write an actual Steven Seagal movie backwards from that title. He lives in the forest. That was another origin of a bit, folks. Back to Dan. Oh, my God, you guys. Yeah, I'm pulling the map up right now. Why don't we have everybody roll for initiative?

All right. I rolled a natural one. Damn. Yeah, me too. 21. Oh dear. damn yes it's you know 21 oh dear but I have a seven so I have an eight all right six-legged spider go ahead and dropping tokens right now and then I'm gonna that's actual for but I rolled a one. Jeez. Oh my God. These trucks. Yeah. You got trucks of Palooza up in there.

I think that's, what if this whole time Blaine's been doing a bank job? Ooh. All right. I'm going to go ahead and take a second to, uh, Hey Blaine, can I get maybe one more ad while I add permissions to everybody's tokens on the map? Uh, sure can, Dan.

This break is brought to you by five hour drowsiness. Nine out of ten truckers agree. You gotta go to sleep. Five hour drowsiness. sleep. Five hour drowsiness. Dan? Aw, thank you.

Alright, so I'm still doing it. Should I do anal certs again? Makes your breath good on both ends. Anal certs. There, I did it. Wow, well, it. Wow. Well, it's always a good sign when I am still working. And really doing funny sponsors.

I shouldn't say funny. We even had a great aside from you guys, and I still am not caught up. And, of course, I was doing this all while you were calling out your turn order, so I don't have that either. I remembered mine. Ken, what would you get? 21. Thank you so much. mine ken what would you get 21 thank you so much sarah what'd you get nine uh dr wood what'd you get i got anal certs one adding to four yike dude that's all your initiative bonus that's a shame tiktok what'd you get? I got a 22 uh what did you

get over there darkthirstery? 8 great and then did Gus get one? did 4 great so up first we definitely have tiktok uh great I am going to break sort of north

like there's sort of it seems like a big glade of trees directly north of us and the creature is more like northwest. So I'm going to break from the group like behind a tree up here, I think. And I'm going to shoot off an arrow with my longbow

at the thing. Okay. Longbow. Ooh thing. Okay. Longbow. Oh, natural 20. Awesome. That's a hit. So, I'm gonna make it a... Oh, boy.

I'm gonna make it one of those grenade arrows, not the smoke arrow. I'm gonna make it... Alright. So, it is an arcane shot. it's called the bursting arrow um it's gonna take so it's 2d6 for that and then a d8 for some i do i double the dice or double this damage dan double dice double the dice so this and then again four six double the dice results that's a damage i'm sorry double the dice results okay so it was horrible uh four becomes an eight and then a two becomes uh four

so a total of 12 and i have a plus four so 16 points of damage total um nice that's not terrible for a critical it's gross i will shoot again oh bad two plus nine eleven oh man uh so yep you explode these arrows into him but he doesn't falter too much. He's definitely coming down on you guys pretty fast. Kweep, you're up. I will rage and throw my blade of Kukla at it. All right, let's see an attack. All right.

14. That is a miss. It just kind of weaves between its legs. Alright, I'll try again. 19. Ah, that is a hit. Alrighty. Alrighty. My damage...

Okay. Is... damage is 10 cool so you do 10 points of damage as your axe thuds into this thing uh however it is going to use its reaction to grab at your weapon um it is kind of uh in the air so you don't have any ability to fight it doing this so it's going to automatically succeed at just grabbing the blade of kukla uh and it just sort of slams it into the dirt. Ooh. What a dick. Uh, it is now, uh, going to start advancing on you, Queep. Uh, you see this thing sort of unfold part of its little center. There's, it's almost all legs. Um, but the, between the two front legs this little sort of

like tree knot opens up and you just see these mandibles start flexing and all its legs eject the center of its body at you oh great uh 18 to hit yeah okay i'm gonna need you to do a constitution saving throw all right then oh boy eight okay um so first of all you guys see two slimy prongs just eject from this thing's face and plant themselves into queeps armor uh he takes 34 points of piercing damage. Also, you are now... Hang on. Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Sorry. Okay, so have that. You take what's 34 to 15 plus... 17. Yes, you take 17

points of piercing damage. Okay. You are also now poisoned. Sweet. That's good, right? Huh? Good. You're Brett Michaels. You are now going to have... You have disadvantage on attack right huh good you're brett michaels uh you are now going to have uh you have you have disadvantage on attack rolls

and ability checks perfect so i was hoping for all right uh and uh you guys all see it uh you know retract back really quick these slimy fangs from its core center. Where you from? You slimy fangs, you slimy fangs. It ran in there. It's right up by all of you now.

Now we're going to go to... This fucking thing. This is that wood dick? Yeah. Yeah. Wood spider. Wood spider dick face? That's sustained.

Is it within, I mean, this is this every creature within five feet, but if I do the lightning again down on his head, then we're all farther than five feet? Does that work? No, I mean, it's big enough that you can hit part of it without hitting everybody else. Okay. So I just call lightning again down on him great uh it's a dex check it

critted so it rolled a 20 on its dex check um half as much damage then just gonna kind of legs are gonna dodge it okay so it takes nine points of damage cool oh um also something about no never mind I will never mind thank you Also, there's something about...

No, never mind. I will never mind, thank you. And that'll bring us to Darkthor. Lightning Arrow. Do it. It's Lightning Arrow, not lightening arrow it's my I hate that misspelling more than any other misspelling in the world when people spell it lightening

with an en drives me nuts a natural plus four hey roll that damage and remember to double the damage that comes from your dice. Not the plus four. Doctor, we never really talk about...

You probably had to grade a lot of papers and deal with a lot of students and stuff, right? Yes, I have regular office hours. But how does that work? So it's 1d8 plus dex, but then, and that's doubled, but then I also get 2d8 lightning damage on that, on a failed save. Okay.

Well, first we have to see if he fails his save. Okay. Uh, he got, an 18 on his safe. That is not a fail. I don't think.

Okay. But I, so I get a one D eight plus decks and then half of my, I rolled eight again twice. Okay. All right. Cool. twice okay all right cool anyway yes I did create a lot of papers and the kids would always make fun of me because I would pronounce it syllabus so the first roll was a five plus nine. Okay. And then I got a four and a six. Okay.

I was also the gym coach on Wednesdays and weekends sometimes. That's where I got ripped. So what does he actually get? He gets half of the four and the six? Or half of the whole thing? Half of the lightning damage. Oh, okay. So half of the four and the six.

Yeah. Gotcha. All right. Cool. I'll take it. Sometimes this podcast is like listening to people do their taxes. Oh, man. Well, and fuck him.

How about that? Yeah, that sounds like me at H&R Block. Fuck that. Write it on the check. Okay. How close is he to us now? He's like 10 feet in front of you. Okay.

Who's next? Dr. Ud is next. I i'm gonna light up my flame blade and i'm gonna uh i have the long stride going around so i'm pretty quick i'm gonna kind of zip around behind him and start i think your long strider has expired at this point oh well has it been more than an hour yeah oh okay then forget it then i'm just gonna run around the back with my flame blade and just try to like uh lightsaber is his wooden legs down or like get his spinnerets or whatever just try to get something you know maybe throw a grenade up underneath the walker kind of thing i'm gonna try to figure out how to just we gotta do something walker related uh we never got to do that uh so but yeah if you've got your flame blade out roll to attack and you'll have advantage because you've got him flanked with tick tock right now

so i got 18 uh and then that's going to be with the flame blade is 3d6 there's a six here's another six i. I'm going to roll this one, and then we'll roll another one again. It's a seven. And that's so... It's 11 points. Is there any way for me to, like,

run up this tree or climb this tree or shimmy up the trunk of this thing, or is it all off the ground now? You've used your movement. I'm just sort of curious now that I'm up and close to it. I would let you try. You're trying to climb the spider? I'm just trying to figure out if I would need to

to get up and kind of like just jam this thing in its eyes or something. Or you could break this bucking bronco. I could. Cool. I'd like to see you try. Unfortunately, this turn, you are out of movement.

Thank God. I know. The movement, it was just a burden to you. That's a birch. What? Alright, so on that note, I understood the tree part. Is Gus going to take a turn or is he going to stick to you? I think let's stay close for right now. All right.

Then it is indeed TikTok's turn. Great. So you said I'm flanking. So the creature has moved into melee with me great so I will pull out my great axe and because I'm flanking do I get to roll with advantage

yes great so I swing with my great axe at this fucker same thing double 16s so 22 to hit that's a hit great axe versus tree classic rivalry Same thing. Double 16s. So 22 to hit. That's a hit. Great. Axe versus tree. Classic rivalry.

Nine points of slashing damage. Alright. And I will swing at it again. Same deal. 21 to hit. Ooh, great. 11. 14 points of slashing damage damn all right how's this thing looking uh you know there's a lot of shredded flesh hanging off of it it's very burned from being hit by lightning

it's not in great shape yeah hey how big of a tree was this is this isn't like a giant like has a tire hanging from it or anything this is like a 10 feet tall 20 feet tall it's pretty tall okay like it's it's a solid like it did kind of like reduce height a little bit when it unfolded but it's at least you know 30 feet tall there's for sure a tire swing. Okay. Yeah, for sure. Horrified kids in it. Reading comic books. Oh my god!

Alright, and that'll bring us to Queep. Alright, I'm gonna attack him with Great Axe. Yes! Since my blade of kukla is under its foot or whatever. Uh. Okay.

15. That is a miss. All right, I'll try again. 22. Yeah. That's a hit. All right. alright I'll try again 22 yeah that's a hit alright Jesus

9 alright that was very very suspenseful cool so he is gonna take another chop to the face and he's not looking great but he is super mad at you creep sure hey you already poisoned me

what else are you going to do? Get in line. So here he goes. 17 to hit. Sure. Okay. This thing plunges its fangs into queep. Oof. And it does... 19 points

of piercing damage. So half of it. Queep, get away from those fangs. Right? I figured it was flanked. It affected something. Alright. Up next we have

Halcine. Get him, Halcine get him Halcine same lightning different turn oh yeah did he make it or no I'm rolling nope 25 points

of lightning damage Halcine how do you want to see this thing die 25 points of lightning damage. Halcine, how do you want to see this thing die? Oh, fuck yeah. Tongue joke, tongue joke. Wait, that was a different thing. It's a tree creature. Yeah.

Be like a tree and fuck yourself or something like that. Leaf us alone. I like leaf us alone. I want the... Timber, motherfucker. I want him to catch on fire, obviously. And yeah, I can yell, leave us alone. And whatever else everybody wants to... How about only I can prevent forest fires,

but not this time. And that I'm so embarrassed., but not this time. I'm not in San Antonio. Yes. I love it. A look to the camera, a waggling finger. Oh, man. Everyone remembers that famous quote,

that famous quote from Smokey the Bugbear. Yeah, he just explodes into flame. His brain just kind of fan out as he can no longer support the weight of his abdomen and uh yeah this thing is toast in their stupid face I'm suspicious

normally Dan would have that thing covered in spiders that would be twice as dangerous awesome where are we are we? Are we in the... Still in the shade, we're in the woods. Yeah, we're still... We're in the woods?

We're booking it towards the mountains. Yeah, you're woods at the foot of this mountain. You're about to start getting a pretty steep incline as you ascend. I think the actual mountain has like giants on it, right? The one in our land? Yeah. Giants at the base of it sure but but um you're not sure where get above the so I just mean I'm just saying I think that we might as well keep going again until we have to and then we can transition to

back to our world you know yeah let's do it do Do I need some sort of healing? Yeah, with my poison. Oh, you're poisoned. For an hour. Is there a... That might be... I can lay a cure wound on you, definitely.

Does that stop the poison? What if we short-rested? What if we get away from this in case things hurt us chopping and lightening? We could hide over there for an hour and his poison will be over. Is that how that works? Poisoning just goes away?

Poisoning goes away. At least one does. Oh boy. There will be a period where you're resting and the poison will just go away if you do a short rest. And you could also roll some hit dice if you wanted to get back some of those

toothy hit point bites. But Cure Wounds will make it go away. Cure Wounds will just give me hit points. Okay, then let's just Cure Wounds him if Dr. Oed can. Right? And keep going. Thank you, Doctor. I have 14. Great.

Thank you. Did anybody else get hit? Does anybody need good berries? I can give you some good berries. No. No, because we had fully healed already the last time. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're the only one who took any damage, Queep. Yeah.

That tree really had it out for you you maybe because you were a bird so we uh we ride trees hate birds so we ride triumphantly over the smoking remains of this tree, right? Yeah. And into the mountain. Oh, we don't ride. We walk triumphantly over the embers of the smoking tree. We drive our Camaros. I can piggyback you if you want to ride or darken. Donkeys. Who needs a donkey? Sure.

So you start walking through the woods. Again again you've been going off the trail a little bit uh but it starts to get pretty difficult terrain you guys are going to slow down significantly or you can try and get on the trail which winds its way sort of around the mountain a little bit and we're still in the fey wild not in. Correct. Wait, we want to go up the mountain though, right? Or do you want to get inside the mountain? Well, that's the thing. You guys have no plan as far as I know. So the mountain itself has within it somewhere in your dimension an altar.

Here, it might be different terrain wise. It might be something other than an altar inside of it. And also you haven't told me what you want to geographically get to. So there's this mountain here. We're trying to get to the altar. So using whatever, yeah. If you want to just get up the mountain a little bit,

because you do think that this thing is, you know, up in it, not like at the base of it. As I said, you have sort of two options. You can either try to make a, as the crow flies straight shot up through rough terrain, or you can follow a path that kind of winds around it.

It's smoother terrain. It's still at an incline, but it's going to expose you a little more. I think the path, right? Sure. As opposed to trying to climb straight up a mountain. Path it. Yeah, let's do it. okay uh you guys take the path for you know like an hour and it's a little exhausting you feel like this

is going to be rough work even for you guys uh seasoned warriors the ice five um you really start to see something in the distance um sort of on the side of the path, it looks like there is a little wooden table with someone sitting at it. Oh, check it. It's about a quarter of a mile away as you start to approach a bend in the path. Get out your credentials, everyone.

I think I left my laminate at the ibis. Interesting. Damn it. And it's just a table. With someone sitting at it. Alright, we go to the table. Yes. It's like he has your kelp five cents. Doctor, you wanna

admiral up here? Oh wait, don't you have a sexy new hat? Do you want a chrome dragon helmet your way through this one? I'm good. Somebody handle this one. Sitting at the table, there is a withered old human-like creature. She has a long crooked nose. She has bulging eyes.

She has a very light linen hood over the top of her head, and she's sipping a cup of tea. There's another chair at the table that is empty and she sees you all approach and just says would you like your fortunes told no oh this is uh and she

winks really hard sour one Brian she knows you're about your nickname sour boy Oh, this is a... And she winks really hard. Sour one. Brian, she knows about your nickname, Sour Boy. I hate this shit. Does she seem like... What's her face? Does she seem like the Violet Fang? Do an insight check.

Ooh. Ooh. Ah, no. I mean, nothing about her physically resembles the Violet Fang that wasn't my question though was it sure wasn't Halseen what is it I mean you're all standing around

this being right now who sits at the table and I guess we'll just have to find out next time on nerd poker what this is all about hey sam hi everyone it's good to see you what do you think happened yeah hey thank you for asking that's very sweet oh my god i'm so sorry i didn't properly formally ask you and we're all sitting here talking about someone sitting there drinking tea now is the time for formality sam keifer please no i really do appreciate you asking a new nerd poker record today a character asked can we kill it within the first six minutes of for formality. Sam Kiefer, please. No, I really do appreciate you asking.

A new nerd poker record today. A character asked, can we kill it within the first six minutes of the game? We met, fell in love with, then abandoned six donkeys in under one week. We met a tree spider and rather than talking to it, we murdered it. And if we killed one thing, that means there was

an even worse thing that Dan designed just around the corner. Alright, well, And if we killed one thing, that means there was an even worse thing that Dan designed just around the corner. All right. Well, congrats on killing your tree spider. Hey, Brian, you got anything going on these days? Oh, man. Same old. Grandpa's Metal Stash on Gimme Metal.

But I mean, if you like metal, it's a really cool streaming channel. And I've been having a blast on it. And then Grandpa Metal, the video, by the time this airs, should be out that I did with the whole band during COVID, this style, and Kim Thales in it from Soundgarden. He did the solo on the record. Oh, wow. He's so funny in the video, too.

It's crazy. And it's got Brendan Small being funny and Joe Troman, who we've had on the show. And I'm super proud of it. The video came out great. And that'll be on YouTube on the Postsane Band channel is the best way to find it. And please pass it around

because I'd love for any metalhead you know to see it. I think that's it. I should send it to Brian. Yeah. What about you and Stacy Kietzmaster?

Come check it out. Should I Stacy or should I go? It's our tribute to the Flash. Cut the crap here with Flash. The only good flash album there is by the way nice oh and we're also brought to you by poo poo real poo

shampoo number two in one wow your hair looks like shit thanks so that explains a joke from last episode that Sarah made this show is so meta yeah that was the last it's very So that explains a joke from last episode that Sarah made.

This show is so meta. Yeah, that was the last. It's very complicated. It's so fucked up. But with poo, thank God. Just listen to it backwards. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.