Nerd Poker - Episode 8 - Coccyx

Episode Date: June 7, 2017

This time around Twee makes it ABUNDANTLY clear just what his Doss Lute lets him do! And just in time, as not everyone is so happy that Count Ahmelegdha is dead. A lupine beast of some sort is ripping apart one of the recently liberated merchants in the courtyard and it's up to our heroes how many more will perish at its hands. Will Bodhi manage to suplex the creature? Will Tom manage to not get thrown into the woods? Will Dan memorize the  complete flavor text of uncommon loot before handing them out next time? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian, and you're listening to Episode 8 of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Pretty sure Ken's not even in the microphone in this one, but I still want to make the regular apology for the mic issues. By Episode 11, that's all solved. Thanks again for listening. Thanks for following us on Patreon. If you're not, check us out. We've got some big bonuses coming up very soon for the month of June last month's was cool and we've got some cool surprises for this month can't wait thanks again and enjoy the show also you can check me out this week Thursday I'm in Pittsburgh Friday I'm in Pittsburgh. Friday, I'm in Baltimore, Maryland. And Saturday, I'm in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

You can check out all those dates on brianpassain.com. I've got Salt Lake City coming up, the Idiot Festival up in the Bay Area, and a bunch more. Thanks for listening. Hey, it's Brian Poussaint. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends.

I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Pous Posehn's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, it's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. He's the Dungeon Master Blaine. It's me, Dan and Ken. We're about to jump right in.

Right, Dan, you want to tell us? Before we recap, before we do the recap, I've got some battle cards. Did you know what these were, Ken? No, I've never. I think it's

I mean, it looks like it's a fake well it's not D&D but I think yeah then we'll open them one day and play it, it was from a very nice guy in San Diego, that's what I wrote on a post-it note, it's a nice guy in San Diego, he didn't tell

me his name but he said hey I think you'll dig me. He's been handing me a bunch of... You know what? ...my show down at the American... Thanks, guy. I know what his... I know what that guy...

I know what his first name is. What? No More Mister. Email. Oh, because his last name is Mister. Oh, for God's sakes. Jesus, Lord. I'm going to beat you with all the stuff

of my wife's Easter decorations. I'm going to beat you to death with them. Hey, just give me a heads up when we start filming. Dan, what happened last time? Last time, you guys visited the castle of Count Amalegda on the island of Amina. And yeah, he had led you back to his castle and wanted to sort of make peace with you guys, try to make some kind of deal, because he found you threatening and offered to...

I don't know why. Well, he was pretty upfront about being a vampire. And he invited you to his castle, where you found many of the merchants who had come to the island under the same pretense as you, seemed to be under his thrall, and you decided not to sleep within the castle walls because it seemed a little too dangerous. You slept right out.

Well, you kind of set up camp and you distracted some of the watchouts, lookout thralls, and broke into his castle when you thought he would be asleep. And you killed him. Oh, yes. He was acting weird.

You killed Count Amalegda in his sleep, old school style. And he's a pretty powerful vampire you straight up killed in his sleep. He did have his defenses down a bit. You killed a few fun little monsters there. You're sleeping, you know. But, yeah. But that makes it super cool. It does. few fun little monsters there. But yeah. But that makes this super cool. It does. And so you

exited. I'm going to kill people in their sleep all the time from now on. That's the lesson I'm taking away from this. It's the easiest time to do. I mean. Rise your toes. Listeners, NerdPoker endorses murders done in sleep. So when you go kill

your arch nemesis, remember to do it in their sleep, NerdPoker endorses murders done in sleep. So when you go kill your arch nemesis, remember to do it in their sleep, NerdPoker style. Sorry, Rhodes. Yeah, cut to your kid with a knife. Don't worry, it'll take him until he's 13 to figure that out. Yeah, cut to your dog with a knife. Mavis does have opposable thumbs. He'd totally engage thumbs so you then left

the castle foyer as it were walked down the castle grounds and instead of foyer if you're back up there Rapunzel but then instead of everyone being super grateful and coming up to you and hugging you and offering you gratification

of the bedroom type. People were running around screaming because there was a large human wolf-like creature ripping the throat out of one of them on the cast of Thrones. Oh, right, that. Are people still turned?

So this guy wasn't King Vampire, right? He was not. Here's the thing. What you know about vampires tells you these people had not been turned necessarily, but they were under his thrall, so they were released from his thrall. Oh, they were. Yeah, but you have a strong suspicion this wolf-like creature could be another vampire. But he had also indicated that there was another vampire.

He was inviting another vampire. He said that there were other vampires. And then he was... I forget how much you guys know. So we'll let your memories... So where are we right now?

You are in the sort of... What do you call it? You're like inside the castle gates on the castle grounds but outside the castle building area. Cool. How close are we to the werewolf? About 50 yards. We actually see him?

Yeah. And again, something Is that where we left off? Is it the werewolf is running around attacking people? Yeah. You think he'd remember a thing like that. It's been a couple weeks. I forget if I mentioned this

last week, but the wolf has very strange nostrils, so you think it might be a vampire. It's not one of those clobo wolves, is it? Yes, they're large bat-like nostrils. So something about it seems almost more... Super hot, like Kate Beckinsale?

Yeah, well, maybe, I mean, it's like a shape-shifting kind of vibe you're getting. So, like, it could be like a wolfman. It's definitely like a weird Nosferatu-esque wolf man. Weird. Here's my question. If he can shift his shape, why wouldn't he shift the shape of his nostrils? Smart guy.

I'm guessing he doesn't care. How do we not fight him with our weapons? Brutally? While you're kind of discussing that, you see Lekas, your Dragonborn cleric friend, walking on... I think he's great. Follow him on Twitter. He's great.

His name is spelled L-E-K-Y-S-S, and it is not inspired by Tom Lekas. But yeah, he kind of talks like this. Yeah, he... Oh, really? he kind of trots over to you guys as this thing kind of wheels on you with gore and viscera

dripping out of its mouth and says so we got something else here huh? looks like you took care of that other guy people looking back to themselves sort of oh jeez. Do we think a common stake will

work on this guy, or do we need... Yeah, we've got to get to the point where we can stick it in him. Yeah, as you ask each other about stakes, this thing looks right at you and goes, UGH! I don't know what to test it with.

Roll to see if I can clean my pants thanks for reminding me to take my dice out which I will be using I'm going to use my loot to fly

your DOS loot? yeah my DOS loot. As far as I know, you play this loot and it does not give you any kind of flying powers. What? They've all got the flying powers. Do they really? Yeah.

All right, everybody. It's time for Pedantic's Corner. We're going to go check out... What was Pedantic's Corner brought to you by, Blaine? It was brought to you by Beef Life. You thought Cinnamon Life was bad. Beef Life? Yeah, wait, what?

What are you doing? Life Cereal. I just thought that, you know, like Cheerios has protein. I think that's what Tupac the Butcher had tattooed on his stomach. Beef Life. Yeah. Thug life is pretty good. It's not as good as a cinnamon toast thug.

Doss Lute. See, check it out. I'm looking at page 176, referee. So am I, player. Instrument of the Bards. Here's your instrument. Down here it says Doss Lute, uncommon. It gives me these spells.

Animal friendship, protection from energy, fire only, and protection from poison. But all instruments at the very top give you fly, invisibility, levitate, protection from evil and good. Oh my goodness. Plus the spells listed for the particular instrument.

We have a winner. Yeah, so I have all that stuff and now I'm flying. You sure are. Oh, my God. In your face. The former DM has officially attacked the current DM and won successfully. No, I'm not attacking anyone.

I'm just saying, hey, I can fly. Yeah, you can. That was the most angry I've ever seen Blaine, though. No, I wasn't angry. I was excited. I was excited because I made sure I could do that. Yeah, bro, you're flying as fuck. All right, so I'm flying.

Now, are we outside or inside? You're outside. Okay, all right. Then I'm gone. Are you flying away? Yeah. Game over. I'll see you later.

All right. I'll see you at Barney's Beater in about 20 minutes. You hit it. Jerry to sit in now. Are you attacking? Flyer? Or are you just flying? I thought that would be my round, I would think.

It's me strumming my F sharp. Who's up? Roll for initiative, man. Sure. 13. Yeah, I forgot about the stuff that covered all the instruments. How big is this guy? 15? My size?

Yeah, he's like your size. Oh, is that initiative? I guess. Did we roll 6-sided or what? 20. Oh, okay. I'm going to fight him with the Greatsword. I like it. initiative or? I guess. Do we roll six side or what? Twenty. I'm going to fight him with the greatsword. I like it. Let's see what kind of damage it does

and then decide what I need to do. Alright, he starts charging towards you guys. He is not a feared. Take away his granite card. Oh my god. He's probably got Vedbo. Oh my god.

He's probably got Venmo. Paul Goble. Wait, wait. It was like this on camera. Being generous with Paul Goble's hair color. That's the guy we used to know. We still know him too. He needs bigger sideburns right there.

Paul Goble, he's the king of TV. He was the TV geek on a game show called Beat the Geeks on Comedy Central but I used to host oh it's always about Blaine it's always about me listeners

Blaine just dodged the microphone yeah yeah okay anyway oh sorry sorry let me get in very close I'll pop your peas

I was just trying to be very plosive I'll pop in your peas you're plosives great plosive Great sword is a 2d6, I believe You know who pops his peas? Beck Alright, what's your 20s say, gents? I'm on a 13 Roll your goddamned initiative

15 what? 13 Oh, heavens to Betsy He got a 17, so we're going to go this way, and he's going to go between Brian and Blaine. Brian, he gets within striking range, and he is winding up one of his arms. He's got no weapons, just his claws and his mouth face full of teeth things.

Mouth face. I'm going to swing a great sword at his mouth face full of teeth things. So... Mouth face. I'm going to swing a greatsword at his mouth face. I like it. Is it a good greatsword or a greatsword? It's going to be a greatsword. I'm going to swing my okay sword. Okay. 11.

What a greatsword that is. Yeah, you hit him. 11. What a great sword that is. Yeah, you hit him. Cool. What if swords were one of us? Nine. Is there a plus to that? I say dot. Yeah, there is.

Would you find it? Yeah, you do have bonuses. If you tell me this time, I'll make a note of it, and I have bonuses if you tell me this time I'll make a note of it and I won't make you tell me every time I don't have it written down I just have 2d6 greatsword anywhere you got a plus in your yeah it's probably in your

strength it's plus 2 okay how long have you been playing this game? so long I don't know the rules. I don't know the rules. Yeah. I always. I still don't know the rules.

On the bright side, 5th edition, the best part of 5th edition, in my opinion, is the character sheets are easier to read. The what? You can fit more on page one. I don't know the rules. The what or who? I think the reason. And also leveling up is fun. We'll never learn the rules because we never deal That's probably true

Yeah I ask almost every episode Yeah, me too I'm also old and dumb So you slash across his mouth You're old and dumb You cut out a chunk of his lip And

It doesn't do a ton of damage it kind of licks his lip as he winds up to take a swing at you you know what that would bum him out on a little level so he's got a lot of points of damage if 11 just made him lick his lip yeah

do we have silver great question did we talk about that? I feel like we did. Well, we had stakes for vampires. I'm going to ring for Lekas. Traditionally. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah? Which was a top Lekas sponsor, I believe. So the wolf beast grabs Bodhi by the arm. Oh, dear. And he goes ahead and throws him over his back behind him. So he lifts you up.

Can I do a dex check and see if I can attack him as I'm beating him? Go for it. Yeah, yeah, go for it. Maybe swing him. Go for it. You're definitely going to go flying behind him though. Because his strength is a little ridiculous right now. I'm under. Great. So why don't you go ahead and take that swing? Oh, jeez. All right. And you take a nice little dent out of the back of his neck. Cool. What do I do? Damage time? Yeah.

Yeah. It hits his scruff where, of course, all canine-type animals have a lot of hit points. But you fall on your bum and take one point of damage. But then he's squaring off on you two

and Lekas. He's trying to get... He's thrown Bodhi a nice solid 10 yards behind him to take him out of the picture for a turn. Because I think he wants to next turn... Kill somebody. Yeah. Sure.

A little squishier than Brian's character. Brian's character is too hard To take a bite Oh It's you fella I have a little flask of oil I'm gonna fly down To just out of reach Of this guy and I'm gonna throw it

So hard on him and it's gonna burst On his head And then I'm going to if I can still do this in one round going to burst on his head. And then I'm going to, if I can still do this in one round, I should be able to because of my dexterity and my charisma. But I'm thinking I'm going to throw a little

thing called a firebolt spell, a little cantrip that I have. It's going to light this guy on fire, so we at least know where he is. What is your dex? My dexterity is 18. Jeez Louise. All right.

I'll allow it. All right. So there you go. So I'm throwing a little flask of oil, and I'm going to fire a little thing, so flame on. Okay. Okay. He's going to attempt to dodge your oil, but you are airborne, so you certainly have the advantage. Yeah, I'm right over him, just throwing it slowly.

Oh, he sure doesn't dodge that shit! Yeah, you toast him real good. You hit him on the shoulder, and his neck light's on fire. The scruff? That scruff that I first talked about? I don't want no scruff that I first talked about? I don't want no scruff. And Lekas notices and he goes ahead

and he So you do a nice bit of damage to him and so does Lekas when he breathes fire all over this guy. And he's extra flammable right now. Oh, cool. Oh, hey, can I roll for damage

just for fun? Yes. I do a 1d10. Oh, then please roll. Yeah, let me do it. Lekas just did 6 points of damage. I'll go ahead and share. 7. There you go. Nice. So, this guy is

not reacting too much, but he's not enjoying it. He's on fire and not enjoying it. How much fun can you have when you're on fire? I've been on fire a few times. No fun. Lie at the bank. I'm sleek as a whole.

And I was cosplaying as the Wish You Were Here cover. That was bad cosplay. What was I thinking cosplaying as a guy on fire, shaking the hand of a businessman who wasn't on fire? I just was jealous of the businessman. Can't remember his name. Oh, Dick Godier.

I'm going to put twang and arrow at him from a distance. Please do. With my plus two. Now that I have those cool-ass braces. So, 11. You should get the Invisalign. Two plus two, so four points of damage. Nice.

Let's pause for a second. Let's. Oh, you got it There Hey We're back I just realized What is this mark on my pants It's toothpaste from where my daughter bit me

Earlier today Jesus I don't know I think my daughter's gone feral. Did you make her floss and breath? Or brush and floss? Fluff and brush? I sure did.

One shot of signatory vintage Imperial single malt. That stuff is delicious. It looks pretty. It's a honey-colored brew. It's like cream soda, which makes you go, wow, I just had nine of those. That was quick.

My youngest daughter has been doing a lot of biting, pinching, and kicking to me lately. She's insane and evil. How old is she? Five. Wow, what the heck. Both my daughters are taller than all the boys in their class. They're very, very tall. And very athletic. And my oldest

daughter is very sensitive and passionate, but like nervous. And my youngest is very outgoing and takes a lot of blows to the head and likes to attack like me. Wow. And like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Future Lara Croft. like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

Is she the future Lara Croft? I think so. I think so. But evil. Like, she sells the artifacts to Nazis or whatever. She's terrifying. The funeral of a wolf. So, I believe where we last left off, you were in the middle of attacking an on-fire wolf beast.

He almost pronounces it. He. off. You were in the middle of attacking an on-fire wolf beast. I don't know if you remember but I was flying. You were flying. I believe Brian is up. I lit the guy on fire. But he's kind of... You kind of got to spend a turn getting up, I think. You landed on your bomb bomb. You took a point of

damage to your coccyx. Coccyx? If I could take a point of damage to your coccyx. Coccyx? If I could take a point of damage to my coccyx, I'd never leave the house. Or need the talcum battery. Talcum killed him. Sorry, when do we start recording?

Will everybody walk that way again? I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to kill this guy. Can we numb them first? I'll throw in that he's not panicking the way you'd like an on-fire monster to panic. It's definitely hurting him, but he is not distracted by his own misfortune. Yeah, we're going to kill him. Kill him, ain't him. I don't want to murder him.

Get some silver. Those gauntlets, they protect my wrists, right? The gauntlets of overpower. Yes, yes. Your hands are completely covered. They're covered, but yeah, yeah. Am I always wearing them? No, I put them all in. It's up to you, bro.

Feels like I wouldn't be able to swing a sword. What is the coin of the realm made of, and do we have any silver ones? I'm going to physically fight the guy hand-to-hand. I'm going to put the Gauntlets of Ogre Power on there. You can wear them while using a weapon, but yeah, your strength is 19 while you're wearing him. Okay. All right. I'm going to try to get him to bite me, and then I'm going to rip his jaws.

But you're going to go at him hand-to-hand just so you can get in close. I'm going to calm him. Nice. I like it. So you're going to go at his back and just try to grab him by the back or something. Are you going to be like Captain Cool with Carmen? I don't have back stabbing or anything like that. Well, no, you're not very roguish.

You're rather a large monster. I almost said monster, but you kind of are because you're half-orc. Do you have, like, tusks? Sure. Got, like, some big lower teeth kind of kind of like sticking out of your lip and shit. Well, my mom sent me the orthodontist for a six-year-old son. The orc-phodontist. I had to wear headgear to high school.

And then I died in my sleep. Oh, wait. Are you talking about me or? So. I forget sometimes. So I almost had to wear a back brace Oh sorry I was about to make a Cohedic Cambria joke So

Not even really for him The thing takes a Swipe at Tom and misses. Something about his sweater. He misses because he's not really close enough but he's kind of closing in on you, Tom. He's decided you're the squishiest thing despite you having a

tail and horns. Hey, what's the Tinder box do? Is it his turn? Did Tinder? It's kind of like the grinder box, but it's more for, you know, just kind of like... Tinder box, where did you get that? I have one in my burgers pack. Oh, okay.

I've never had a burgers pack before. But I got a Tinder box, I got some oil. I'm looking for anything made of silver, really. Do we have any silver coins, wouldn't we? Just by chance. Probably not. Maybe. You know what?

We never took anybody's money, did we? But any of the people that we ran into. No, we never had any change or anything came with money. We usually just keep gold, right? Yeah. Fuck. All right. This small container holds flint, steel, fire, steel, and tinder,

usually dry cloth soaked in light oil. This is for lighter. Yeah, you light a torch with it. Okay. No silver. Usually dry cloth soaked in light oil. This is for lighter. Yeah, you light a torch with it. No silver. Now I'm going to point another arrow at him. Close it, Mike.

Yeah, you're not up. He took a swipe at you. He's closing in on you. I didn't hear what I was going to do. Blaine is up. Oh. What did I do? Your turn was you were closing in on him because you got thrown on your bum bum.

He's right in your face. Well, he's trying. He's getting out of arrow range. Well then, you know what? I'm going to go down to just out of his range and I'm going to fire an arrow into the top of his head. Enjoy!

Grab that short bow and have at it. Six. It's probably in this. It is. Yeah. Do I get it? I don't get two attacks on that one. Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Yeah, your dex is 18. You can do that. Another six. Sorry. I just wanted to waste two arrows. Thump, thumpx is 18. You can do that. Another six. Sorry. I just wanted to waste two arrows. Thump, thump in the ground. Weckis is going to... Nope.

He went ahead and swung his hammer at him and missed. You are up, Tom. Yeah. I'm going to throw an arrow right into his face. All right. And his face is getting pretty close. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. You've got enough room to pull an arrow off into his face. Alright. And his face is getting pretty close. Yeah, that's what I'm... You've got enough room to pull an arrow off, but...

Oh! I'm sad. Alright. Roll a 100 for me, if you please. Maybe. You rolled a 1, everybody. Yeah, I did. Roll two 10s, won't you?

Sweetheart. I won't get all the stuff out of the way, though. See, I would have said I bumped into something. You want... I'll tell you, you want something under 20, ideally, but... That's not too bad.

Oh, 48. 48. I, 48. I remember 48. My damage table, if you... John Wick was just coming out. If you get under 50, you're probably going to be okay. You take a point of damage. You try to pull the arrow off, but you're panicking a little bit because he's getting real close.

The arrow tip kind of slings across your finger and cuts it open. And you also get a boner in front of some cheerleaders. Boner City, welcome to it. Population. I have a storm boner. Your sword flies out of your hand, and it sticks right into the principal's seat, and then you fart. Gross. I said he looks like a dick with ears.

What are you looking at, nerd? Our house is buried in death. All right. Ooh, sorry, Tom. Sorry Tom This thing grabs you by the neck And lifts you off the ground And you start to feel a pressure in your throat

He pulls you real close To his face You're up Bodhi I grab him from behind Okay what are you grabbing at exactly He's naked and furry and on fire Around his neck His neck is burning right now Okay, what are you grabbing at exactly? He's naked and furry and on fire.

Around his neck with my... His neck is burning right now, I'll tell you. So, I know. I'm wearing my gauntlets of ogre power. I'm going to try to get in there and get a good grip on something and then just rip. All right. Go for it. Nope. Ooh. Do I get another attack? go for it nope do I get another

attack no so you can't quite get a hold on him just a three just a three he's hard to get a hold of he's your size

I usually just leave a message and hope he DMs me. Oh, the second one was a one. Glad I didn't. There you go. There's something that takes Hollison. Oh, and again. Two ones in a row. Jesus. Roll them out.

Twee, you're up. Seventeen. Oh, uh, hey, uh, let me, uh, let me take a look at something here. I just want to... Are we going to have to go back to Pedant's Corner and check out some DOS loot effects?

This one kind of looks like poop. It is poopy. WonderCon. You should see the gaming tables they have. They're crazy. What exactly is going on with this guy? He's got...

He's being grabbed by Brian, right? And then he's got Ken up. Okay, so... This wolf-like creature is about seven feet tall. He's got Tom by the throat, lifted off the ground,

and he's smiling, teeth bared at him, pulling him real close. Bodhi is right behind him. Just took a swing in the back of his neck, trying to grab his scruff and rip it clean off. Didn't quite work out, probably because it's a little oily, a little furry. Lekas is within range, just took a swing at his hammer, but he just kind of dodged out of the way of it.

And you're flying right in front of him. You caught his arm, but he pivoted a little to kind of try and shake some of the fire off. Didn't work. Didn't realize he got oil on himself also. I'm going to kind of longsword him from

above. Cool. I'll say if you're above him, a lot of what is in range of you is currently on fire. Are you going to call your shot a little more specifically

than that? Because he's a big guy, so you could go for his arm, his head, his back. I'm going to kind of line up the head in between these guys so I don't hit him and just kind of do a little diamond cutting

hit. So watch this. Here comes the 20. Are you ready, guys? Watch this. Fantastic. Ooh! It's a hit! That's close. Take it. Holy cow! And what is that?

Is that a D8 on a longsword? Yes, sir. That's a 4. You have a shortsword, actually. Oh, I do? I'm sorry. 6. T6. It's a 5.

I don't get any strength bonuses. Because I'm Blaine Kapach. That said, not a bad little slash. You catch his ear, cut right at the base of it, some blood splatters onto it, the firing makes a little hissy hiss sound.

Good. And he turns his attention to you. Which is really about all you want because he was about to bite Tom's face off. And then I'm just flying. I'm out of range. Out of range of this guy. Lettuce is going to

try to take the opportunity. He just swung his hammer down. He's going to do an upswing and miss. Again. His hammer is useless to you guys right now. Unless you're really or hide outside. Tom, you're not quite incapacitated, but what do you want to do?

Can I short sword him at all? You can try. Sword. I like to pronounce it W. Short sword. But you know what? You just had your bow out when he was right in your face and you grabbed it by the throat. So I'm going to say there's an increased difficulty.

You can roll for it, but while you're doing this, you're trying to put your bow away without losing it. It's hard because he's got your neck. I rolled an 18. Great. It worked. So that's a

six. Four. Alright. Where are you aiming on this guy? Six. Four. All right. And then... Where are you aiming on this guy? I'm making you guys call your shots because he's moving fast. Okay, okay. Sounds good.

You hit his hand. He doesn't let go, but you hit his hand. Do some damage. And then can I, with my cunning action, try to disengage Cam as I try to extract myself from him? Yeah. All right. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know what I need to roll for that, or if I do.

I have a plus two proficiency, so it says a 1d6 for cunning action. I'm not sure exactly what that means. It's a new ability. Hmm. Let me see if we have that in the DM guide. 96. Is it in the DM guide. Page 96. Is it in the DM guide? By taking an agility at 11 and moving it quickly,

you can take a bonus action on each of your turns in combat. This action will be used to take dash, disengage, or hide. Is that in the players? That's in the players on 96. Okay. But it doesn't tell you how to roll it. It's not in the DM. I can't wait to get in there.

Roll three. So there are all these things. Your quick thinking and agility allow you to move it that quickly. You can take a bonus action on each of your turns in combat. It's actually to be used only to take the dash, disengage, or hide. Look up disengage. Yeah, look up disengage as a separate skill and see what we're talking about here. Hey, Blaine, what's disengage brought to us by?

Hey, you know what, Dan? I think it's time for a little Q-tip brought to you by Q-tips. Hey, here's a little Q-tip. Don't put a Q-tip inside your ear canal. Put two Q-tips inside your ear canal. That's a little Q-tip brought to you by Q-tip. Don't put a Q-tip inside your ear canal. Put two Q-tips inside your ear canal. That's a little Q-tip brought to you by Q-tips. Back to you, Dan.

This show needs a new box, but I bet you by the time this episode airs, we'll have a box. A tray? A rolling tray. We need a new rolling tray. But I bet you we'll have a dice tray before this episode airs. But while it's recording, we don't have one. We've banked so many of these before we've actually aired one, you guys.

So many. Years. We don't want to run out on you guys anymore. That's the whole point. I don't want to dash that. We did 48 of them. And then once we felt we were up to speed, then you guys anymore. I don't want to dash that. We did 48 of them. And then once we felt we were up to speed, then we started recording.

We started recording this in 1999. The movement doesn't provoke opportunity attacks. No, that just sort of means you're... No, I think you're stuck, buddy. Alright, so... This guy uses his other hand

to grab one of Tom's horns. Ow! And he throws him at Tui. What is this? What the fuck is happening? He doesn't hit you, but Tui, you go flying and take two points of damage when you land on the ground. Okay, I'm going to go. Oh, Tom. You looked at Tom and said Tweet

Yeah, sorry, I meant Tom I am so very Tweet Aren't we all? I'm a little ditzy, you guys For some reason, at Monsterpalooza They had a darkness from Legend You know, Tim Curry, big red demon But they had a blue darkness from legends

i'll never understand why there's like like darth vader's in pink armor like i guess i get it but it's also like just customizing i guess you know showing off you have a lot of money to me like i'm always like man i wish i had some stormtrooper armor that'd be so cool and then I see people like stormtroopers are recovered in dildos I'm like you just you just spend so much time in your garage for years and at comic-con Elvis sideburns. Really nice guy, actually. I know a lot of them were on YouTube sunglasses. There was a girl at Monster Balloons that who was

the most cross-cause cross whatever play. It was Boba Fett in Haunted Mansion Armor. I saw that, yeah, on Instagram. It was cross-play, crossover.

It's really getting out of hand. Everything is a combo now. Kids love the combos. People just make up their own characters and start dressing as them. But that was the charm. Back in the day, like early conventions, people would make up whatever

fucking weird... Like Boba Spock? No, just their own made-up character completely right from their fanfiction it was made me from the Star Trek universe or maybe for their called Oh sees for original care yeah so good then was the days real weirdos there's still weirdos. This year I'm going as Barney Hiller. Come on, Ken. I know Barney Hill. Oh, Barney Hiller, I see.

So he's part of an interracial marriage cop who saw UFO. No, it was going to be he was the $7 million man. Because Barney Hill, Betty and Barney Hill. Betty and Barney Hill. You thought I was doing Barney Miller and Barney Hill.

Although that would be a great crossover. Hey listeners, what did you think he was doing? Send in your letters and we'll never see them. Because this was ten months ago. We'll be right back with more DeFranco family trivia facts after this. Call in next week to talk about...

It's a love beat. And when you love me, it's a new sensation. Listen to my heart sound. Listen to my love pound For two years You weren't able to hear old guys What did you do for entertainment?

What did you listeners do? When I was growing up My best friend Bill Lived up the hill from the DeFranco family And I would hear them rehearsed by their Your girl Bill? They're from here?

That makes sense. They're not originally booked here. This was the 70s and they would rehearse outside by their pool. We'd look down the hill and see a family dancing and choreographing. That was crazy.

I'm going to go as Spruce Bruce Campbell. It's like a giant plane. One of Chomps, you guys. I'm going to go as Spruce Bruce Campbell. It's like a giant plane. One of its arms is a chainsaw. Wow, I was right. There's a little kid Ash there. I saw it at Monster Pooza. Oh, yeah?

Somebody dressed their little kid up like Ash. Oh, yeah. You'll see a lot of Ashes. Yeah. That's inappropriate. There's always a pyramid head wandering around. Which is nice. I like to see a pyramid. There was a lot of ashes. Yeah. That's inappropriate. There's always a pyramid that's wandering around. Which is nice. I like to see a pyramid.

There was a girl pyramid at the... Pinhead snuck up on me and it actually scared the shit out of me. And that's based on the original design. That was Clyde Walker's

original design. That was pretty nice, yeah. But even if you are at a monster convention, it's still disconcerting to turn around and have Pinhead really close to your face.

Like he's creeping up on you. And it was also done in a way that looked like it was real. Like he was really cut in the face. As opposed to like pinheads kind of white. Yeah, well I touched his, he let me touch him. Yeah, it feels... He let me touch one of his pins. I bet he did.

Yeah, but I was like, poing, poing, making little noises. Did the pushpins match for the drapes they had like makeup from cabal or nightbreed they had a bunch of All right. Night breed. Right, Blaine? Walking on my night breed. Nice. Yeah, he was a good pinhead. Put it up on there. So, Bodhi, you're in actually a pretty good position. He's like a guy who's really mad. Tom just got tossed at Tweed to find me.

Oh, literate. And, you know, he kind of noticed you grabbed his back, but he kind of didn't give a shit. I want to get in there and get a good grip on him. You can go for his front throat now. He's at more of an angle if you wanted to. I'm not still behind him? He turned at more of an angle to throw Tom. I still want to, I kind of want to get him so I can lift him off the ground and kind of tear at him.

Go for it. Kind of grapple with him in there. Grapple. Eight plus two, so ten. You know what? Ten was what I was looking for. You just barely get your arm around him, and you get him in a lock, but he feels it and starts fighting it right away.

Okay. Let's see how much damage I get on him. Go for it. Not too bad. Eight. So are you trying to knock him unconscious or just cause as much damage as possible? Well, I was hoping to get him off his feet and suplex him and just throw him. Because I kind of want to hurt him before I...

So you jerk at him. You get your arm around him and just throw him. Because I kind of want to hurt him before I... So you jerk at him. You get your arm around him and you kind of pull up on his neck and you hear a crack of his vertebra as you do it, but you can't get him off the ground. Okay, okay. Tweed, you are up. I'm going to float down like a little... Like a little... Bitch? Yeah down like a little bitch.

Yeah, like a little bitch. And I have my short sword. And I'm going to swing at him golf club style or baseball bat style as viciously as I can at whatever is exposed. I wish you would. Yeah, there's a four. Nopers. It's alright. Lekas is getting pissed that he swung his hammer twice.

He didn't connect. He's a very grumpy sort of guy. So he runs in and he just bops this guy in the face with his fist. Cause now that, uh, now that Bodhi has him in a headlock,

he got excited and was like, oh, let's fucking do this. And, uh, just go ahead and let his hammer fall to his left side and use his right to just cut thunk. And he does five points

of damage with his fist. You are up, Tom. Or should I say down on your bum? You just took two points to your bum. Yes, so I've been released. To your cock seven. Was I released? Did he drop me? He threw you a twee and you landed on your

back of the bow. On your anus pads. Back of the old bow. Short bow. Drawn back a planker. That's a five. Afraid not. Here's a piece of string

Frayknot Alright Frayknot Hella killed him Grabs onto your arm with both his hands Bodhi He's a cuck? Bodhi

Bodhi's Bodhi's Bodhi's got his arm around his neck and he he digs his hands in and he fights let's see get control he does not get control back you get to stay

but he does three points of damage digging his claws in through your holes in your gauntlets. Do you have a pencil? Yes. Yes, pencil. Okay.

Whose turn is it? Is it my... Yes, sir. Where am I? Where did he bite me? He didn't bite you. He dug his claws in your forearm because you've got a headlock. Right, right, right. Okay.

Oh, my God. Where's your feet? I'm close enough to his jaws, right? I mean, I'm already almost in a sleeper hold. Yeah, almost. You got him in a lock. Well, I'm going to put one gauntlet

in his mouth and then I'm going to try to just use all my strength to tear and see what I do. I'm excited to see how this goes. Oh, shit. Nice. You get a good grip on that front jaw. Let's see what happens.

So far, 19, I think. Yeah, yeah. Jaw's four. Okay. Here, I'll roll. Let's see what this does Jesus Okay

He fails to resist It's gonna be fun Yeah Oh there you go Jesus Great Okay so You hear another cracking noise

As you rip a couple of his teeth out And do some damage To his upper jaw He is real pissed Now and starts Running towards the gate With you on his back He kind of

Leans forward and goes into a sort of beast adrenaline mode. Well, you can try. I'll let you try. Why don't you just roll a 20. If you roll above

a 12, you can dig your heels in. Alright, so he leans forward. 15, everybody. He gets a couple of quick steps towards the gate, and then you pull him back, and he reels backwards as you plant your feet back on the ground. Cool.

Nice. I'm going to do the thing where I zip down, and when he kind of lurches back, I'm going to lay his guts where I zip down and when he kind of lurches back I'm going to lay his guts open Tauntaun style go for it are you going to land yet or are you still hovering no I'm still hovering

yeah man I would roll a new land into a bunch of shit there you need a new tray 13 alright and I get a plus 2 for dexterity I guess You need a new tray. Thirteen. Alright. And I get a plus two for dexterity, I guess. Is that a hit? Yeah, well, your sword disappears into him

and it comes out with some blood, but no guts. Okay. Pretty glory. Ah, point of damage. Yeah. Very twee kind of damage there. Twee amount. Weckis. Yeah. Very twee kind of damage there. Tweet him out. Uh, Wekus runs up, takes the hammer out again. This time he connects. Does...where is my face?

Does a little nick to his nose nose Pops him in the nose You are up I Once again will try and shoot an arrow Gotta help me And fail miserably With a four It goes cruising off in the distance

Hits one of the merchants from earlier Who goes And then And Will Will hums those down Brian You Feel this guy start to shake

Kind of violently And he feels like he's getting a little bit shorter. Your turn. Rip the top part of his head off. You're going for his upper jaw again? You're going to go with the same kind of area and just try to rip it up? Yeah, you connected. Let's see what kind of damage you do.

Open this can. I will eat the brains of this guy. There goes another tooth. Peek. So... Ow. This guy, how much damage does this have? Another, yeah.

He's not too happy. God, how many points does this fucker have? Yeah. Blaine. But now he's kind of a nod already. I gotta do that thing where I swoop in

and take a swing and a miss. Oh, you mean a tweet? Yeah. I'm gonna pull a homer. 11. Is that a hitma. 11. Is that a hit? Duage. Alright. 2?

No extras. What were you swinging for? I was just whatever was open, like trying to lay his chest or his belly open. Yeah, you get him across the chest. It's an easier target at this point. It's getting shorter, and he's got a broader chest than a stomach. Hmm.

I don't care. He's trying to kill us. He's actually looking harder to focus on right now. He's looking almost like he's getting blurry. Oh, fuck that. Lachis... Inhale him!

On an upswing, cracks him with an uppercut with his hammer and does five points of damage. And he lifts off the ground a little bit as you're holding him now, Brian. The hit

knocks him up and you get enough control where you feel like you're using all the strength in this situation. However, he is very wobbly and wriggly right now. Almost like he's getting wet. You're turning him on. Just his crotch is wet. I don't know if I mentioned that.

Very moist. Tom, what are you going to do? Once again, I'm going to terribly shoot an arrow that will leave my boat. Can you voice your disappointment in Tom's voice for us, please? This is some kind of bullshit.

I don't know. Oh, boy. Can you voice your disappointment in Tom's voice for us, please? This is some kind of bullshit. Yeah. A four. This guy indeed does start to dissipate into what seems like a dark mist. He's still got a skull

and a spine kind of like a lollipop stuck under Brian's arm. He's not quite able to pull away but his arms and legs sort of are turning into almost wings of mist that are trying to go horizontally away from the situation.

It looks like one of those ghost lollipops that people make at Halloween. Where you put toilet paper over a lollipop. Or tissue paper over a lollipop and it makes a little ghost. You ever do that as a kid? So anyway, his head is mostly solid, but then underneath Bodhi's arm is like a mist trying to expand away

from his arm. Bodhi, you are up. Kill him, Bodhi. Get off Instagram. I'm posting what we're doing. He's live-gramming. I know. I've got gotta see what it looks like. Oh, Diceys.

Lovely. Hinting at my character name. Nice. So I'm gonna keep doing what I've been doing. Go for it. Try to separate part of his head from another part of his head.

Take his fucking head. Nothing. Just a three. Go for it. Try to separate part of his head from another part of his head. That's his fucking head. Nothing. Just a three. Just a three plus a two, so nothing. Okay. Blaine, what are you going to try? I'm going to try that thing that I've been doing and failing at. Maybe this time it'll work. Watch this.

Eighteen. That's the key. We do need a box. Whoa, whoa. A three? And this was me just like swinging directly at his head. You connect, you slash the side of his head pretty good, and even though it's only three points of damage, and he's at At the bottom Like 90% of his body is amorphous He spits black blood out of the ground Lekas Keep him amorphous Lekas rolled a 20 Everybody Lekas is gonna kill

He gets all my experience points And does 10 points He gets all the experience points. And does 10 points of damage to his face with his hammer. Jesus. That pretty much does something interesting.

Suddenly the webbing out of his body stops. It really would have only taken getting to the end of this turn for him to disappear into the woods. And suddenly his wolf head snaps

back into a human head that also has a strange bat-like snout. And he falls through Bodhi's arms up onto the ground. His face has a big gash in it. But he's wearing a very rich person's outfit. But he looks deformed.

This is something really, really off-putting. It's not a wolf, it's a vampire. Really, he doesn't have a nose He has an open hole here And two big nostril holes In the middle of his otherwise human nose We have to get out of Neverland I'm going to fill his holes with hate

Do we have a steak? Uh yeah I believe you guys had to improvise one Before Yeah I used a javelin right I got arrows I can call my friend

I have three more javelins Tom is up what you gonna do I'm gonna break an arrow and jab it into his heart give it a shot roll a 20 why don't you? Alright. Let's get some big roll.

That's only a 20. Oh, shit. Nice. So this guy is trying to crawl away, but you managed to snap an arrow. You almost snapped two arrows. Well, yeah, you snap them, and this guy you plant your foot right on the small of his back, and what do you do?

I'm going to end his life a quarter mile at a time. You're a goddamn idiot. I can't wait to see that movie this week and everybody listening to this six weeks ago. What's a broken arrow? Why don't you just roll a three-sided or four-sided? Three-sided? It was really great. Adam Sandler movie that comes out in three weeks. There's an Adam Sandler movie

every three weeks. Listeners, I always think the four-sided dice is a pyramid, so therefore it is only three sides. Two times two. That's plenty. You pierce spongy, dry, gray aorta with your double arrow splintery

stakes. Hey, we got him. He flattens out in a pile of dark ash before you even learn his name. Oh. We could have had a little interview session, learn some stuff, but no.

Can we do a pre-interview at least? Producers did. So you guys have aced two vampires. One minute left. There's a bunch of people who are running screaming, kind of still running screaming.

A few people stood to watch the fight from a distance. And yeah, there's kind of still running screaming. A few people stood to watch the fight from a distance. And yeah, there's kind of a quiet after the storm going on. Wait for our boners to do it now. That'll take forever.

I'm going to land near some girls. Yeah. that's all we can play I'm glad you timed that out thank you alright well I think that's a good place to call it you guys I guess we can't plug anything I guess but what we'll start doing is I'll put little wraparounds on these

so we can plug things once we get going and get ads and everything. By now, people listening will know what's really going on with this show. We still don't. We're getting very close to the event arriving. We just wanted to get a jump on getting a bunch banked, and we're there now. I mean, this is our eighth episode tonight, so I feel like now we can start letting people listen to them. All right.

And I've got a guy out of dinner already. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm hoping we can, like, before we record again, have episode one up. Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, that's the goal. I think we can do it. I want to get it up next week. Yeah.

Before North Korea kills us again just Seattle they'll hit Seattle who cares thanks for listening guys yay we love you goodnight everybody thanks for listening to another episode

of Nerd Poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Sino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.