Nerd Poker - Episode 80 - Ultraweirdo

Episode Date: August 4, 2020

The Ice Five are fresh off of slaying a mega-spider feybeast and are heading up the foothills of Pandemonium's Fang, but first they have to contend with one of Dan's trademark super creepy NPCs. Will they kill it, or just hate it? 

Hey everybody. I just want to thank our July Patreon drawing winner. We're doing these once a month. If you donate at $10 or more a month, you could be this person. Thank you, sir. May I have a new third?

Thanks, sir. May I have a new third? Yeah, thanks, man. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D comedian, writer, actor, nerd.

I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possein's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hey everybody, it's Brian Possein. And you're listening to Brian Possein's Nerd Poker. It's episode 80.

We did it! Woo! Woo! All my friends are here in front of my computer screen. Let's go from the bottom I always do, but I'm acting like it's something I haven't done Here's Ken, look at Ken Hey, there he is

Hello Hey, buddy Blaine Oh, hi It's hi, Brian Oh, you got a parrot there or something dan oh hi brian banana peel always funny all the visual gags for everyone listening

sarah get your gag ready uh you're up next uh what do you got? Hey, Sarah. Hi. She delivers. She said slightly. She's our Jack A. How is it she stared through me? What's up, Chris? Hi.

How are you? I'm okay. I think Sarah's going to hurt us. Why don't you care how we are? It's like the ring. I'm going to come through the screen. I care. And then who's your adorable friend there, Sam?

This is Ramen. Robin? Ramen. Ramen. We've met Ramen before. We've met Ramen. I know, but. He's a spicy.

He seems like he wants to be part of the show, so I was going to give him a proper introduction. Sam and Ramen up in the upper left, everybody. Well, hello from us. Should we thank some people, Dan? I love thanking people. You know, NerdPoker is brought to us by Patreon supporters who go by names like Paco, Scott, or Di Pluma.

Thank you, Paco. Thank you. Di Pluma. Thank you, Paco. Thank you. Thanks, P. Thank you, Joshua Loring. Thank you. Thanks, Joshua. Thank you. Thank you, Joshua Stone.

Thanks, Joshua. So many Joshuas. Thank you, Burnt Sienna Hulk. That's BSH. Thanks, Jake Tawny. Thanks, Jake. Thanks, Mr. Tawny. Thank you, Dr. Evo.

Thank you. Thank you, Philip Rainsford. Dr. Evo. Thank you. Thank you, Philip Rainsford. Dr. Evo. Thank you. I know he's going to make you feel evolutionary. Philip Rainsford, what's up? Thanks, buddy. Thanks, Philip.

Thanks, Philip. Jack Griffin, I thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Jack. Thank you. Uh-oh, here comes a sad, stupid child. Thanks, a sad, stupid child. Oh.

Thanks. Poor thing. Thank you, Not the Bravest Action. Thank you, Not the Bravest Action. That's a Critical Role reference. Two Ts in that knot. Thank you. Thank you, Colby Allen. Thanks, Colby.

Thank you. Thanks, Colby. Thanks, Matthew Edwards. Thank you. Thanks, Matt Ed. Thanks. Thanks, Matt Mendoza thanks second matt uh thank you salacious grimlock a star wars transformers reference i believe oh my god oh my god even back up the microphone yeah well you when he backed up it sounded like

he also destroyed it but i guess he just has a great unit i wanted to sound like i was in the back of the of the the hut mobile kind of hanging out with java you know i i used to do a really good salacious crumb uh impression because i was trying to audition to be a kawakian lizard monkey in star wars universe that's back when i had an acting reel remember those everybody uh also i want to thank man gioni's flugelhorn of blasting thank you feels so good and of course thank you the walrus monster that ate brian thank you the walrus thanks brian did you ever catch the name of that bad boy what ate you in the ice glaciers no we should figure out how to name it

canonically we should do that for you as like as like a memorial wait which which guy got eaten by oh in the movie oh okay mandalorian show oh yeah star wars but you know i thought we were talking about a character or something you're in everyone's favorite science fiction show star wars of our lives i don't think i died that's the thing you did you died as much as boba fett died and he's rumored to be in the upcoming i don't know just a walrus poop now he's not digested but he is there is a burp after he goes in there right yes the sarlacc burp he gets digested over a thousand years the man's got a jet pack i feel like they didn't have a burp in the 80s no i don't know well you know what i think there was a burp but it just kind of it kind of like just flexed a little bit and then he updated it later to be a puppet whereas yeah and then the books in the

books later it was that uh the sarlaccs they don't even mention in the movie that it takes how many years for them to die so the books as written by isaac asimov what do you mean the books the books the books the adaptation the extended universe. The Alan Dean Fosters. In some of those, there was one where Boba lived. Boba got out. Yeah. You've been on The Mandalorian, and so now you're very good friends. And because I liked the character since I was

12. I saw one where he went in, and there was a toilet flush sound, and then you heard, oh, yeah. And then he just cut right to traffic. That's the extra special edition. Well, let's, Sarah hates Star Wars, so let's get going. Let's get going.

She's like, I'm down in Texas or something. No, she's fixing up her workspace. I'm trying to, it's either too dark or too light in here, and I can't get it right. You're adjusting all your Bioshock art. You got a nice key on your face right now. I do have Bioshock art right here. I'm looking at it. Yeah, don't use Bioshock art You got a nice key on your face right now I do have Bioshock art right here I'm looking at it Yeah don't use Bioshock in a pejorative

Or at least three of us will No Chris and I have been texting Chris has been Chris is working his way through so Alright hey Blaine who are those Patreon supporters Brought to us by Damn those Patreon supporters brought to you by Wood

100% of trees agree. It should. It could. It would. Wood from the makers of sap. Dan. Well, that sounded beautiful. I would like to make my own furniture out of it.

Wood that my hands worked. Get it? Would you want a tree to die for a chair just so you could sit down, Dan? That's pretty selfish. Or if you're feeling like you want to put some stuff up, maybe you could feel a little shellfish. Oh, snap. I hate...

I suppose. To puns? Yeah, I made a pun and then Blaine made a pun and his knocked him out of existence. I'm asking if Sarah is allergic to puns because I kind of am. It gave me a rash. You know, growing up, my dad made like 10 puns a day and he was really proud of it. And he would start to get upset as we got older and we didn't laugh at every single one.

And we had to like explain to him. We were like, we're exhausted. Like you just you've broken us like we're we're like we're like eight and ten years old and we've heard every single pun you can't keep getting upset when we have like remembered the pun from three days ago and then you grew up to champion a podcast and be senior editor called Palladino's Hour where all that's what the show is called, right?

Guys, I just have to ask, what's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels? Alright, we can use that as a better point. I'm going to jump through the Zoom screen in a minute. Let's do the show. Towels Unlimited.

Our hour's up. Unlimited Towels. On the last episode. Wait, folks. I hope you're ready. It's going to be our very first episode recap from Brian Posehn. Brian, take it away. On the last episode of Nerd Poker,

our intrepid warriors, something happened. Guy's mom, and there's ghost shit, and I don't know. Dad? What I liked about that is that was actually a half-decent

recap of 15 episodes ago. It's true. There were ghosts and Darkthor's mom on the boat, like, a long time ago. I didn't even say Darkthor's mom. One of his bullet points was a guy's mom. Don't. Don't. Classic D&D.

Brian really did. Not. Not. I'm just saying, if you're new to D&D. Brian really did. Not. Not. I'm just saying if you want to. This is if you're new to D&D. Perfect time to start. Look, I'm just telling you what happened. And now, Chris Tallman, if you could tell us what happened last time.

Me? Tell us what happened last time on Brian Poussaint trying to do Dan Telfer's recap of Nerd Poker. I'm not going to change anything Brian did. It was one and done. Wow. cap of nerd poker i'm not gonna change anything brian did it was one and done wow i guess you shiv me on that joke because uh improv is your specialty uh eat shit i will find a way to get my revenge on you one day we fought a spider monster see what happens to chris uh chris's beloved dragon gus uh next time under man dan you were coming out swinging at all the wrong people. I know. Chris, the nicest man in America.

Gus, the nicest dragon in America. It should be me for the sponsors I have coming up. Oh, that's true. I like to play heel on this podcast. Just every time I read a tweet that's like, hey, Dan, how dare you? I just listened to episode blank. How could you do this?

Last time on Nerd Poker, they were in the feywild and they were like walking around there was like a tree monster there was like a lightning thing that happened then they met like an old lady who was telling fortunes right that's oh yeah now i remember yeah yeah cool i've never had to do less i was prepared and everything but now i feel really good what i would have done is i would have taken my my little ring light and been like so i could go last time on nerd but then i basically would have said uh what sarah said about the the tree monster and being in the feyild. Except I would have said it in this voice.

Do it. A tree monster unfolded spider-like. The Ice Five dispatched it after it plunged its fangs into K'weeps flesh. Not once but twice. They traveled not through their regular Three times a lady.

They traveled not through their regular world but through the Feywild, making the same geographical requirements. And then they got all the way to the very bottom of Pandemonium's Faggot, where they started going up the mountain road.

They encountered, yes, an old woman who offered to tell their fortune while sipping on a cup of tea. Thank you uh everyone for listening to nerd poker that's that's been it and uh what do you think happened sam oh uh well first of all i learned that uh dungeons and dragons everybody can do their own recap uh another thing i i did is is I looked up a wood, and it's true. Trees are made out of wood.

And also, the sarlacc will slowly digest someone over a thousand years. Here's my dog! What the hell was that? Wow. Alright, Ken's turn. Ken's turn.

That was such a mean impression of Sam. I had to make it not me. And I was just watching Bowser introduce the Ramones on an episode of the Sha Na Na Variety Show. Where they did a family feud sketch and it was Sha Na Na versus the Ramones. Oh, no. Yeah, it was kind of nuts. Ken, do your recap and let's get this over with. Yeah, we're going to go around, I guess.

We fought a wood spider, and there was a fortune teller lady, and let's continue. Yeah. Well, I feel great about my skills, so here's what we're doing. Y'all have been walking through the feywild which of course is full of pixie dust and weirdness and manifestations of dan telfer's passive aggressive dungeon mastering uh no actually like it's it's it's not that different geographically except for a little minor bends and twists in paths and uh the cave you were in was slightly different but you find despite all these parallels geographically everything is indeed more magical this is gus's home

plane of existence and this plane of existence though it geographically runs parallel has all sorts of weird creatures the ones you fought are ones that none of you have ever heard of in any of your adventures or childhood ghost stories and so now you're going along this path and um you can ask a question about that dan uh well let me just finish my sentence real quick just so i get it out of my head because it's not quite important enough but you're now you're on this path you've encountered this old woman sipping tea uh offer until your fortune but yes chris uh yes yes yes just as you were saying all this stuff is normal for the feywild gus thinks so too gus thinks these are normal feywild creatures

that sort of thing gus is been he's kind of been freaked out because i think the two main creatures you've encountered so far are definitely predators you know he's not like oh it's he wasn't like oh yeah it's my old buddy the tree folding spider he was like you know what i mean so um you could ask him for insight with this old woman if you guys want to huddle up or something like that are we getting bad vibes in the feywild that there's something wrong with the feywild or is this just like a natural i mean the feywild is very much like i think it actually uh might be more of the shadow fell but i think it feywild kind of partially inspired the upside down in stranger things it's like it's like everything looks the same but haunted okay so it's not like something's wrong with it it's it's a crazy place where satyrs

walk around um you know there's fairies flitting through the trees and pixies and yeah i guess when they turn a jiffy lube into a halloween headquarters i guess what i'm trying to get at is in the same way that clodenheim has clearly been changed by all this shit and the blue crystals does any does gus see anything like that in the feywild or is this that's what i'm asking have gus you can pick would you like an insight check or perception check if you roll a perception check for gus he'll actually be going off of what he's physically seen if you roll insight he will intuit if even like behavior of creatures and i think perception all right so perception uh 16 um he's like i don't see any like blue crystals or anything i wouldn't normally expect it's

kind of like nothing catastrophic happened here 10 years ago okay cool have we seen any other uh ways into and out of the feywild on our trip or is it just that one riff that we've gone into because i wonder if we could maybe like duck and take some little wormhole shortcuts or something by by by the one riff you went into do you mean the one that opened erotically in tiktok's chest oh yeah yeah that thing all right that's yeah i mean you haven't seen anything like that and i think you would all know at this point that uh despite the fact you've heard of travel to the feywild before it does seem like a very difficult thing to go to and from and your first trip to another plane of existence wiped some of you guys out a little bit and was difficult to

figure out it took you 79 episodes 78 whatever it was to kind of like get your first trip to another plane and that's because not a lot of people do it so uh there is that okay well let's get our picture here anyway so i'm gonna go talk to that old lady i mean she's kind of beckoning you and you know she's she's she seemed like she she knew dark there right we're talking about that she referred to him as a sour boy but she's like 30 feet away she didn't get a good look at him it's a little creepy and hal seen you got it you got a sneaking suspicion about her but then i failed my insight so somebody else needs to pick up on that. Yeah, Sarah had a sneaking suspicion. Halcine

had a, where's my beer? Yeah. Yeah, it's no, any idiot would have a sneaking suspicion. It's a weird thing. Oh, alright. No, listen. It's fucking weird that there's this

woman offering to give uh you know um uh advice on a hill by herself she takes another sip from her tea and just sort of i don't like her i don't like it at all this is me i'm role playing her watching you guys kind of huddle up she's like i ask what her name is heralda Ask what her name is. Heralda. I just want to scoot by her. Nobody wants to get their fortune told? No.

I think we should. Why? It's an opportunity to learn something, or learn something wrong if it whatever is there a price for a fortune she kind of smirks and says there's always a price for knowing what happens in the future but it won't be a price you pay to me it will be a price you pay to the universe no i don't like it yeah no one detects evil other than you know good and evil sure works different dungeons and dragons in fifth edition so it's not it's not it's it's gonna be evil intentions um uh and how do i put this she just keeps sipping her tea. Says,

sounds like no fortune for the sour boy. Perhaps the death machine. Hey, her name's Hal seen. We've, we've met before, right? I say to the lady or do I not?

I'm not allowed to say that because of my insight check. Uh, she says I've met you before but you've never met me. Oh fuck. What does that mean? I see many visions. Visions I choose to see. Visions that are handed to me.

Do you speak in rhymes? Yeah. Sometimes I rhyme sometimes I don't. Come get a fortune. I'll throw you a bone. Do you see in your fortunes one of them of me stabbing you here on this hill? Seems like you like to stab a lot of things.

That's what she said. I didn't really want to talk to her but uh yeah i'll get a fortune have a seat have a seat all right i have a seat okay she pours you a cup of tea and uh she tells you to wait a moment you uh you're instructed to look she's got like a little stone infuser with like little holes on the bottom and the tea leaves as she pulls up the little infuser it's got like a little pattern in it those are great she sets it down on the table and she invites you to look at it with her uh you look at the little tea leaves for a moment and you start to see the city of blue bog where your mother lives and where you

lived prior to going on this adventure and kind of becoming a merchant sailor and all that stuff too where you're more transient it was a little you know like a temporary home base um you see it's lit a fire uh the the city is burning you see people running to and from it. You see some sort of floating tentacled being floating above it. And then it starts to pull itself into the foreground. And you recognize it as yourself with a series of eye stalks growing out of your back, your arms and legs missing, and just one eye in the middle of your mostly head form uh and then uh she just kind of swirls it a little bit and it turns back into just plain tea leaves did you like what you see so these are like goals things for me to shoot for or this is what the universe thinks is the most likely outcome of your adventure

the universe or you the universe I am but a vessel of the universe just as you are well I disagree with the universe on this but I guess only time will tell I feel like that's not going to happen but you know I know what I thought I saw. Do we see different things when we look at it? I think we did.

Oh, what do you see? First, you tell me what you saw, and then I promise I'll tell you what I saw, which I know will be very different. Why don't you tell me first, and then I tell you? Well, I think what I say will be more useful if we get out of the way what you've perceived. I can contradict it, but not intentionally. This is like holding a door for a stranger. No, go ahead. No, no, you.

No, you do it. No, after you. Very well. I'll tell you what I thought I saw. I thought I saw someone who had achieved their goals had learned new skills had learned to live forever perhaps and was completing closure from a place she once knew but had become very different cool who's next wait aren't you gonna say what you saw oh i'll tell you guys about it i don't think she trusts me and it doesn't seem any of you really do i wish you all well on your quest

let me know if there's anything else i can do for you um i she kind of winks at dr uid it looks like it's way too many muscles in her eyelid, like when she winks, just like... Oh, like somebody tried to wink in a comedy play in a little theater? Hey, you know what? Should I do it? Should I try it just to see if we're all going to get turned into beholders? Yeah. All right.

Okay, ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. She does the same for you. And, yeah, she offers you up the tea leaves. You look into it. And you see yourself. You're floating high up in the clouds. You look the same, but perhaps with less armor or weapons.

You're not as heavily burdened by travel. And then you slowly begin to descend, and then you start descending a little faster. begin to descend and then you start descending a little faster and as you get below the cloud line you start to skim and you're just going over devastation there's just you start to see parts of cladenheim that are just completely wracked with fire and battle and it you realize you're you're skimming for signs of life and there's just nothing. And it seems to go on for hours that you're watching this. The rest of you, it just looks like Dr. Ud's peeking in for 20 seconds. And then the vision ends.

Hmm. I'm going to turn around and say, Hey, guys! Great news! I'm going to be able to fly! Okay. I think that was an accurate representation, these are horrible fortunes yes i saw uh i saw some devastation i was flying flying over it like uh like i was the opening credits of

some sort of james cameron thing how far in the future are these um readings supposed to be oh i wouldn't say far maybe a week or two okay i'd like to cast divination and it says that i can ask a single question to a god or god servants concerning a specific goal event or activity to occur within seven days and the dungeon master has to offer a truthful reply. Interesting. The reply might be a short phrase, a cryptic rhyme, or an omen. And is this coming from me or her? It's coming from you.

I'm like asking a god. My question is going to be, are these readings accurate? Or are these readings accurate or are these readings you know uh truthful or whatever uh-huh um the spell doesn't take into account any possible circumstances that might change the outcome yeah yeah yeah okay uh do you have to roll anything or do you just get this amazing spell going i mean it's a high level spell i i not high level but um i get it but then if i cast it two or more times before my next long rest then there's a cumulative 25 chance for a random reading but i haven't done that so okay and are you going to ask her or are you going to say like you want uh god or one of its servants to show up no i'm just like your magic and offering put you in contact with a god or god's servants and i ask a single question so that's regarding a specific goal

event or activity so the question that i have is if these readings are accurate i see okay and i I see. Okay. And I get to decide how this will manifest itself. Yeah. It says the reply might be a short phrase, a cryptic rhyme or an omen. Okay. So you cast divination and the old woman kind of braces in place for a second. Her back straightens suddenly and a sharp wind blows across the side of pandemonium's fang and her flesh begins to blow away um and beneath it is a much uh a much more youthful looking creature almost like an elf very long pointed ears um and it says greetings i am herrell uh not herrell i am herrell i am an archfey this is my primary plane of existence and everything i have tried to show you is as far as I know to be true, though I do like to torture people in tiny

little proddings. Have you met Darkther? There's a million ways to get this guy. Yeah, she already called me the sour one. So wait, she's telling me that her readings are accurate? And she now stands up from the table. You can tell she's telling me that her readings are accurate and she now uh stands up from the table you can tell she's very tall she's about seven feet tall and her skin has this sort of

pale blue glow to it and she begins to walk off into the woods in the mountainside that's it you don't want to play anymore she She looks over her shoulder and says, what would you have of me, war machine? Well, you could tell. I mean, you told me about seeing her story. You told me we could do some more stories. I may be but a demigod, but you will one day be more powerful than I am sure.

Well, I don't know. Keeps walking. If we keep going to Pandemonium's Fang, that's the future. But if we don't go to Pandemonium's Fang, is that what you're saying? I think you all know your goal just fine. She says. And she starts, she turns around fully and she says, This is not about one choice or another. Your choice has already been determined.

I'm merely showing you visions of what the universe thinks you will end up doing once your journey is complete. Hmm. Post-credit sequence. These are post-credit sequences these are epilogues the ending is decided well i guess do me and ken right we're the only ones who haven't sure she kind of cook like like like turns her hip a little bit puts her hand on is like ah okay you two you really do want to play i see very well i believe i have already said a little bit to tiktok it is yes i will tell the other two what you want to know queep you're a brave warrior what is it that you think you're going to slay next would you like to tell me before i an altar oh you think you're going to slay an altar that's

definitely what a barbarian would say i think you should be bracing yourself for your axe may pierce someone you do not wish to pierce wish to pierce. Uh-oh. Dogther, you will have all the power you've ever dreamed of. No more will you see a boat and curse because

the one who stands upon it is disgusting. For all boats will be yours and no others will crave your boats. They will cower in fear at the thought of disgracing dark, the story. Oh,

finish that. I like that, but, uh, Hmm. Wait, I liked the audio version of these. What's mine.

version of these what's mine yours is gonna be read by Harvey Fierstein yours is a tale of vengeance you will find something ahead of you that you wish you had known just a little bit earlier and you will gain ultimate power to find your vengeance and you will succeed in your vengeance back at blue bog yeah huh your mom dr wood will live longer than any of you he will see everything rise and fall well yeah he's a he's a bush he's gonna live forever kind of weird i don't know if you're doing some his seed will fall and the thing will continue to live or like you do like you cut a branch off or whatever that's the johnny bush seed just because he has like grass growing out of his head. Yeah. She looks at TikTok and says, yeah, plants are different, man. Hey, peace.

Do you see anything for this little fellow? And I point over at Gus. Oh, something horrible is going to happen to your little friend. Get ready. He's going to tell you about it. All right. Well, I don't think you've seen how dark things can get with your friend,

Gus. Your little friend, Gus is capable of some thoughtfulness, some insight, some exploration and great friendship. But when it comes to battle he will fall can i ask you a question as long as we're talking fey stuff in our in our plane when gus gets killed he just pops back here what happens if something happens Something happens to Gus here. That could mean a lot of things,

but I will try to be as clear as I can. Speak not in riddles. You see him disappear when he dies where you are from. He will not disappear. You will see what is left of him. I don't like this not one bit no sir and there's is there any way to change any of these visions except for the me flying part what uh she says oh yes there are many ways to change this but i would say the easiest would be think twice before you reach for what you want and instead take pause and reach for what you need all right i think we're gonna do the maybe the ferris wheel next or just like get some cheese curds but thank you for these

fortunes that you've told us and have a great one right yes sure i mean she um she walks back to the table that she kind of abandoned a minute ago because you've all sort of engaged her more freely she traces a finger around the table in a spiral that starts on the outskirts of it and ends in the middle and for a second you're like what the fuck was that she walks in the woods she disappears uh hello oliver uh and um a moment after she's gone you just notice these very bright uh pink and orange blooms come up out of the spiral where she traced her finger on the table. Everybody roll a nature check.

Ooh, interesting. Hmm. Hmm. 14. Ooh, uh, 20.

20. Yeah. Damn. Nine. 16. It's always fun when the fastest people are also the highest rolling and then we all, oh, well, it's time to wait for the six. It's time to wait for the...

Yeah. Hal, Scene, and TikTok, you both are able to just sort of look at the blossoms and go, oh, this is what was in the tea before it was dried and put in boiling water. And you're not sure what that means. You might not know the spell that goes along with this fortune telling tea, but it looks like that's what she just grew out of the table. Is time going backwards? Should we take it?

Oh, yeah. Seeing the future tea leaves that's gotta be worth something right or maybe or maybe we're not supposed to maybe if we do it's maybe this is like taking another like spying thing or something or is it are you saying this is her thing about take what you need not not what you want? Do we need these things? We don't know. I didn't even think about that, but that's a good one.

Can we identify the flowers and what kind of flowers they are? If one of you had the magical spell, identify it, you could. Oh, I don't have that. Or if you took it to somebody who had like a special, like if any of you proficient in nature or uh is alchemy a thing in fifth no no alchemy arcana but i mean like if you had the kind of thing nature i'm proficient in arcana yeah i'm surprised i don't have a proficiency in nature but i mean we decided yeah like he's not proficient in nature because that's not what his actual academic background was right yeah i'm covered in plants because of the explosion yeah so uh yeah you're but you're all like okay this could be something cool but we none of us have studied herbalism or alchemy so plan plan plan plan here now you're covered in plants. Oh, now I'm covered in plants.

Thanks, my son just drew plants all over me. There's truly nothing more lovely and adorable than watching Blaine get interrupted by his own child's riffs. Yeah, it's my mom's curse. I just want to imagine Blaine doing puns at the dinner table when he was six. Great. So, yeah, you've collected these up. You're not sure what to do other than...

I'm going to leave them. Interesting. Anyone taking them? Interesting. Well, she just told us not to I mean I like your interpretation yeah I feel like I like that interpretation that's a cool one I don't know if that's true or not but let's

I'm not going to take any risks wait has she left? she's gone yeah she's been walking in are we supposed to take these? silence I ask Valkyr I pray to Valkyr and I'm like there's another god coming in here being all weird what do you think archfey not even a god she said she was a demigod right demigod speaking for the universe and the

the table is gone the table and chair is gone no it's there and in fact she's left it kind of ominously by the side of the road with this these little blossoms growing out of it in a spiral and the the blossoms are on the table growing out of the wood yeah uh what was that religion check halcyon 11 valkyr is a little quiet on this one yeah can i do an organic a great relationship can i do an arcana check on this yeah it's just going to tell you if there's an overt magical aura kind of coming off this or if it reminds you of a spell component though it's not going to give you all the info okay yeah 21 so yeah you definitely think you could you could use this to cast some kind of spell but it's not a spell you've learned if anything it's not like a school of magic that you're even familiar with yeah

all right so if you want to take it somebody if somebody wants to take it they can i am a little disturbed by the vision that i saw of me becoming a like a beholder monster what kind of beholder do you think you're gonna be i mean i think like firm but fair sounds right no uh we're off to kill the altar so let's go let's leave yeah let's leave these plants i mean i don't want to leave a really cool you know loot item but i also don't really want to become that monstrous thing so well you definitely in the future yeah uh i will give everyone an insight check uh about their specific fortune but also her last parting words insight check if you want it yep that's a natural 20 plus 3. Ooh. My goodness.

19. Great. Everyone's rolling pretty decent. 16 plus 4, 20. Jeez. 16 plus 4, 20. We all know what that means. Oh, man.

Statutory rate. 16 plus 3. Gross. I want you to... I was like, where's the 16 come in? There you to do. I was like, where's the 16 come in? There's only one. I was just

thinking about kids getting high. No, he ruined my role. My role reveal 16 plus 319.

That's a little more legal. No, stop talking. I just said it so flatly statutory rape okay sorry this is not appropriate that's a statue we should pull down am i right ladies and gentlemen yeah hashtag this show again come on yeah no kidding this show is gonna get pulled down uh so t tock uh you feel uh much as all of you will feel this that her last parting words about uh be careful about reaching what for what you uh want when you should pause and think about what you should need uh is not just a reference to what she was

about to do but may have been and also may have just been about your quest for the altar yeah uh so there there's a little you think she was speaking broadly to get your attention and wasn't just because of something she was about to do okay let's gather up them flowers then uh and it's kind of like that rolling stone song but you also all think she may have been using the flower as an example oh but that's what i'm saying like it wasn't just that it was like a here's a thing and then maybe again later uh but forget it let's just move on okay well cool i was gonna give you all individual insight on your fortunes but it sounds like you just want to get the fuck out of

here so let me delete five pages from my dungeon master document i had a natural 20 i'm excited i know i was gonna build up from tiktok to to you build so uh tiktok you you feel like uh she didn't really give you a ton of information but uh she's definitely implying you're the one who is uh most likely to make a rash and evil choice up here. Interesting. I'm afraid I might be the one who's going to kill you. Oh, you're going to kill me? That's what it sounded like to me, but I don't know. We'll see what she says.

She said Gus was going to die. Yeah, I don't like any of that. I think I'm more likely to make a rash decision if somebody kills Gus, right? I thought it might be you deciding to become the Tenebrous one. Well, if I do that, that's only if we all think it's a

good idea, and even then I'm going to have to have some kind of fucking leash around my neck, right? I don't know your neck, but... Well, you know what I mean. Maybe one of those little backpack leashes, yeah. Yeah, a nice harness that doesn't put all the weight on your throat. Can I look like a turtle? We'll put you in a bjorn bjorn queep you feel like she made the most overt reference to a final battle when she gave your fortune so yes you definitely feel like uh one

of your friends might turn and you were being foretold as the person who'd have to slay them uh not like it uh dr uid uh you felt like you were the one who would be perhaps yours is the most obvious you're gonna survive this and have to watch everything in klottenheim get uh uh what's what would they call it uh fucked up yeah what's it called with the shire at the end of the lord of the rings the scouring of the shire what What is it? You just feel like you're going to see everything get burned to the ground and look for life across the apocalyptic landscape.

At least when nature returns, we'll probably have a Whole Foods. Darkthro, you feel like she was like, you're going to find a lot of power and riches and you'll be able to lord over everything. Yeah, I still I don't like any of that with any of what she said yeah although you at the time seem to like it i think it's because you didn't quite see the monkey's paw uh backside of it until

a couple seconds later uh and then uh yeah uh hal seen you feel very specifically like what she's going to say is you're going to use blue crystals to become one of these things after seeing some sort of tragedy in blue bog you're going to chase evil out of blue bog using your power and uh you'll you'll become like one of the mutants you've seen um and i would say also how seen after watching everybody's like you yours is sort of the most disappointing and hubristic of all of them yeah you know like uh even if people die they get power they get good stuff you are you just kind of go into a rage it looks like so i would think that how seen at this point would kind of like go like, why? Like what,

what is it that I have going on? That is that in danger right now. Um, so there's that, uh, the path lays ahead of you. You can keep going up the mountain and it feels like it's going to be a few days travel, regardless of what plane of existence you guys are on and that the,

the shit you'll encounter in the feywild will be maybe more weird than threatening but i think you'd all remember if you were to go back to your original plane of existence the barrow steps dragons are going to be your main obstacle you've kind of gone past where the archmage of vanzervale has his little hideout and you are now in proper the mountain like you, you're scaling the mountain like Sam and Frodo returning the ring into the lava of mountain doom. And I will say, I think I may have only said this to a couple of you off the air like a month ago.

I really liked when you chose to go to destroy the altar because there was something very Sam and Frodo about it. Like, everyone else is fighting their fight. You're going to just gonna just like destroy a thing so there's so i think at this point all of you are kind of just set uh on that path and it seems like a few days travel but you're not sure which dimension you want to take to get there i feel like we said we wanted to stay in this one until something forced us out right better to be here and then we can leave if we need to be hopefully quickly it does seem like you

based on what you have think you can get back to your plane relatively simply and um that the time won't have shifted that much like it has perhaps in a previous season of nerd poker when you went to the fey wild because you've got gus as like an anchor who hits freely travels back and forth what did gus say during all that he didn't really respond oh he just kind of winced the whole time he didn't look he didn't he didn't seem to like this lady too much i get it he's like ah but i know what i think I'll tell you yeah tell us yeah what do you think that Archfey was a trickster

mm-hmm I think they were telling she was telling the truth and she was also screwing with us yeah wants to make us all weirdos I'm adding her to the list oh I haven't added anything to the list. Oh!

I haven't added anything to the list in weeks. Here she goes. Can you tell me the next thing? Can I tell you two more things? Yes, but only two. If you don't remember, the last thing I said was, I once hid in Sour Boy's robe, and he smells like caves under there.

Next thing on the list is sour boy is sweet sometimes it's a nice thing and the next thing is sour boy has a weird thing that happens where his elbow stops working all right what it's a visual

it's your when you do this when brian does god damn it physical bits classic podcast physical bits there can i tell you two more sure sure yes but this is it this is truly it for now oh okay uh dr uid hashinka and hal seen have all saved my life oh yeah oh that's nice hal seen likes democracy and addressing crowds that's a great list do you want to hear next five do you want to hear two more oh you want to hear the next five here no wait dr okay oh sorry i meant i meant six oh okay dr ewan yells because he's magically exploding inside the etymology of queeps language is complicated queep has wings but he isn't a scout so much like

i am because he's so very large and likes to squawk hashinka is good at keeping secrets i asked her if I was a baby and she didn't know and it was embarrassing so I asked her to keep it a secret. Sooner or later, we're all getting nicknames and frankly, it's great. If I used anyone here as a pillow at night, the Ice Five would

see that coming. Can I do five more? What? You guys used each other as pillows. You guys used each other as pillows. You guys used each other as pillows at some point, I remember. We did talk about that. I'm going to use dark pillows. Those aren't pillows.

That might have also been referenced. Okay, we're continuing our note request. Borat voice, my waifu. All right, so why don't we get a survival check from everybody and uh if you're trying to get past those let that list uh if you're staying on this mountain path i'm gonna skip a stealth check because you're out in the open there's just no real way to be stealthy unless you uh are tiptoeing and in the open 14 and 4 is eight 18 18 23 12 7 uh-oh how scenes rolling low i feel like for the last 10 episodes or so uh you guys you know make decent time uh You notice there's not so much a sun,

so much as a heavy cloud cover that looks like it's as thick as a down comforter. And there's some sort of light source that seems to be moving in a circle through it without ever completely dipping. And so things are always sort of dimly lit. And you go for a long time. You have to stop a couple of times because hal seen

is just sort of feeling it in her legs how hard it is to walk at a constant incline and needs to stop at one point but uh you make what feels a good time and then all of a sudden all of you just hit this wall and you all take a point of exhaustion you're now like you're up the mountain a little bit but you're starting to realize this is a incredibly vertical mountain and you guys are doing a lot of work getting up this guy what would you like to do sounds like we have to rest huh basic insight you guys feel like you may have inadvertently without any way of really telling time just walked for like 18 hours straight okay so we should yeah can we find a notch or something to land or yeah i mean at this point the path is about all there is. You can camp out on the path or you can find some magic way to camp out,

but there's not really an off like the, the most you have off the path without just falling down the side of the mountain is about six feet of sort of magically glistening grass. And then it's, there's the drop off and there's to your right. There is a sheer cliff face to your left. There is a drop off. Can we dig out the cliff face

does it look like if we kept going there might like maybe we try for another half hour or something and see if anything like a little it feels like it's been a it's been hours since you guys have seen anything resembling a hiding spot but you never know and we have not seen anyone you have no insight that you'd see anything else you haven't seen anything else now it's been it's eerily quiet and then let's it's camp on the road or no camp so we'll camp on the road right okay yeah i mean if you i can fly ahead and check and see if there's anything or you just want to camp here let's just do it this is i mean can we we do like a survival thing and cover ourselves with with uh with earth and rocks and stuff and

try to camouflage ourselves tie ourselves down there's dark there's a little you know thing but it only lasts an hour um we got that other artifact that allowed us to have a magic tent but i also think that was not an overnight thing isn't that right dan we got some let me get i feel like somebody i feel like somebody found an artifact that was like a woman's tiny hut yeah something like that uh does anyone know who has it it was not me i thought i don't know i don't think i have it i have it written under the carl one somebody gave it to us on the when we were traveling with the violet fang

i don't remember oh the skull ring i think so oh the skull ring we didn't know what that was right no there were well i don't know about that i i feel like i remember somebody getting a thing that gave us like a lehman's tiny hut but it did not sound like it what it only worked once a week or something like yeah it was once a week thing oh okay do you remember it dr wood i have it written down here lehman's tiny hut once a week i don't know i don't know which one of us has it but we're all here right so now would be the time so now we can use it then right dan i have in my notes that it is connected to doctor's ring and i don't know if i gave you guys that information uh on the air somebody's probably like wait dan what

yeah i definitely don't remember that from his ring but yeah it's not not my notes but let's do it when no one writes a thing down you learn things that may not have been supposed to be revealed uh congratulations you've unlocked dan's i guess they probably heard this i remember i remember it happened let's do a little uh lehman's tiny hut and then while we're doing that uh i want to ask dan if i can sort of start to tune myself to these i've never done it those those insect gauntlets because those things allow me to climb sheer cliff faces at uh at 10 feet all right do an arcana check there blaine um as far as lehman's tiny hut i have that it's

connected to this ring and i'm wondering if i misspoke about something or if there's another item i've i've can't find the notes to you it's tricky because what you described was like liam and tiny hut i don't think i ever wrote liam and tiny hut in my notes as like a reference so i can't command f search my notes for what i don't think it's from the ring though because right so uh i don't know the keyword it what in my mind to look up what you guys are thinking of but i think it might be something other than the ring so now i'm like maybe giving away more about the ring than i intended and also i don't know what you're talking about but i believe you're right like i believe

you're talking about a thing but our common point of reference is now how I described it in the notes with keywords. So I'm like, I don't know what to talk about. Well, then let's just assume we don't have it. Well, first, there's a reason why I'm having Blaine do this first. What's your account number, Chuck or Blaine? Oh, that was a 17. But is it attached to the car lawn that we had? Great, so you're already partially tuned to this.

Hey, Blaine, I'm putting in chat a link to the the claws are you ready yes so you can tunnel through solid rock at a rate of one foot per six seconds thank god so you can actually use these to dig a hole in the side of the face there we go there we go cool groovy please make a note of that link and the contents they're in because those are your flaws buddy that's pretty cool okay let that let that be a lesson everybody don't attune well how how great is it that this is what was yeah blaine solution blaine you uh good work good dungeons and dragons thing so um thanks boss uh you can put these claws on your arms and it'll only take you you know a minute to dig far enough in that you can make a makeshift cave in the side of pandemonium's fang let's do it yeah i'm also

gonna uh open up this wall and kind of like make this space a little brighter kind of open up this whole area oh mirrors would be great get some white paint some hanging plants it'll make for great pinterest fodder but you guys get in there and yeah it's just uh conversation beautiful well-lit cave um and and yeah actually so so dr it would can make this cave so it's decent cover you can even make it so like it's a small opening but once you get inside there it's big enough for you all to comfortably lay down it's gonna take him a minute to kind of like and like get all the gravel out of there but um given that he's a pretty strong druid uh physical strength wise he's able to just kind of shovel it all out of there

at a lightning speed. These things give him a magical ability to burrow that's pretty intense. Darkthor, I missed leg day. Darkthor, if we ask you to make bunk beds,

would you be top bunk or bottom bunk? I'm a bottom. I'm a top bunk. All right. So Skipper and Gilligan. All right top bunk alright can we long rest yeah first of all during this long rest who's gonna make a ringtone out of Brian saying

he's a bottom and then after that let's put on first watch let's get those rolls and tell me if you're having Gus split up. Yeah, probably. That makes sense.

Are you guys relearning spells? You guys cast a few in a battle since you left wrestling. I think when we long rest, we just get our slots back so we don't need to actually like... Right on. I think is how that works. Sounds right. I got a 22. He got a 9 nine is he going out there and flying around i think just right here just right around here then he's not really gonna see anything you

won't see um no matter what he rolls unless you fall asleep uh somehow um but yeah with that high roll uh the main thing you notice is everyone just leveled up. Everyone just leveled up. I ruin everyone's long rest and shake them awake. Did you just say we leveled up? Yeah, everybody leveled up. So you're in a small cave. Bill, now we're alive. You're able to get a shocking amount.

I mean, the rock is cold. There's no sparkles in it. And as you guys all rest the sparkles that have been keeping you glowing for a while now have started to fade away it feels like it was unique to the cave you were in last time this makeshift cave doesn't have it sort of inherent in the rock and uh yeah you guys and the exhaustion the exhaustion says that we requires food and drink but i assume we can do that. Uh,

Blaine Scott as a cantrip, I think even Goodberry. So, you know, he can create enough food where that'll help you with that exhaustion. But I'm assuming we, we, we have to eat and we have,

you know, stuff like that anyway. Right. So yeah, you have some supplies. You have, you have supplies where I would say if you were in wilderness, like you are right now,

I would be keeping notes. Like how, how long you're dwindling them right okay this is awesome yay we get to level up our peoples yay i i feel like as we're not quite at an hour but we're getting uh pretty close uh now might be a fun time to have everyone roll their hit points great their new ones yeah let's roll our new hit points. Great. Their new ones? Yeah, let's roll our new hit points right now on the air. What do you say? Love it.

Let's see what it is. What is it? It should be listed as your hit dice. So if you like, I can help you out. I just need to look it up. You just added eight hit points? Or you rolled a D8 is what you're saying? This is 40-10? No, it's not 40.

It's a D10. Yeah, I can look up what everybody's dice are. Three hit dice? I don't know. No, it's one dice and you add a modifier to it. Ooh, I got a seven plus two, nine. I got a 10 plus two. Underneath where my hit points, it says total 40, 10.

And then it says hit dice and written next to hit dice and pencil is three it's not your total dice it's one dice oh what is that it's the kind of dice i think it's a 10 i'm looking up your character or sheet right now all right um it's been a while and i think rangers of dent attend i can also just google this if you just google ranger hit dice 5e uh 1d10 per ranger level sir plus your constitution modifier so roll a d10 and add plus two okay sarah what did haline get did you say um

yeah I'm doing it I don't have my actual I'm doing it on D&D Beyond so it's a little more complicated for me right now I can't figure out how to get to the 8 6 plus 2 great yeah I added 6 on a D8 cool

I will say if everybody could update these on dnd beyond that would be pretty rad also i don't know when these are going to show up so i'm saying this on the air as kind of a risk but uh if you remember our friends at field notes out in chicago they make those cool little notebooks yeah yeah uh they're they're friends of the show they listen to us uh they just reached out yesterday and offered to send us some fifth edition character journals oh cool thank you that might be we can start writing writing out what happens to us well yeah i mean like i would love if you could use it in conjunction with dnd beyond so it's

really easy for me to track everybody's spells and hit points but it would be really handy for all your custom stuff writing it down uh and uh maybe even sharing with patreon supporters so uh i'll let you know when those show up in the mail that might take a few weeks it might be might be by the time this campaign is over who knows but uh yeah pretty fun stuff um and is that everybody's hit points then or Sarah you're still working on yours no I said I got six okay I have the brain of a pigeon no offense to pigeons

great so you guys have all got your new hit points you've relearned your spells a little bit and you're wedged in this very cold because it's just encased in rock but little cave that dr uid has drilled a passageway into and at that on that note uh not that far ahead uh we have the altar of gehenna where the power of the tenebrous one sits a mantle currently unheld and hey sam

what do you think happened today on nerd poker episode 80 well there's no point in doing a recap since everyone did such a good job doing recaps at the start of the show i was wondering if terry could meet the old fortune lady so a couple hours after the ice five walk away from the table um harrell like redons her old woman uh appearance sits back at the table and begins sipping tea uh terry you wandered into a portal behind a bar after getting drunk oh no again You don't know where you are or how you got here, but you see an old woman sipping tea by the side of the road. And she says, oh hello Terry.

Oh hello ma'am. You wouldn't have any smokes, would you? I do. She reaches into her pocket and she takes out a little box of American Spirit and like pops the top open and hands you a filtered. Terry tears the filters off so he can feel something when he smokes.

Terry. Cool. Would you like your fortune told, Terry? Yeah, I've always wanted to do this. There was a woman that did this down at the carnival, but I'm not allowed down there because I used to do slip and fall scams. She makes you some tea, and you look into the infuser, and you examine the tea leaves, and you see them take the form of your two kids. Terry looks in the glass, and he goes,

Oh, fuck, that's right, I have kids. Shit. My parole officer's going to be so mad. Where are my kids? And you see Terry turn to run away, but he falls pretty quickly because he's in flip-flops, and you see him just kind of roll down the hill faster and faster, like just into the distance. And you assume that he's lost all his cigarettes.

Interesting parting words from Sam Kiefer, everybody. Thank you, Sam. Anything you want to plug, Dan? I mean, I got stuff going on. I'm all over the place doing my thing. You should watch it. Listen, I'm trying to do stand-up more online. So please look for me on my Twitch channel,

which is twitch.tv slash telferdan. I'm going to try and be doing stand-up there weekly as soon as I get my shit together. I've written a bunch of material. I've been doing like Zoom shows. Like I've been doing online stand-up. it's very unsatisfying because you can only have like a few people with their mics on at a time and they blast through your headphones louder than your own voice but uh it's a thing that i'm trying to do right on i haven't done any of that yet

but uh i got some stuff coming up. Uh, grandpa metal though is, uh, the video will already be out now on, uh, on, um, YouTube, go to,

uh, posting the band. It came out great. I'm really proud of it. Uh, if you guys could plug it this week too, but before this happened, before this episode,

yeah, I did it last week in the past thank you thank you for plugging this yeah you're welcome and then Grandpa's Metal stash on on

Gimme Metal every week every Tuesday anything else anybody? come check out Kitsch de Soleil we're doing The Beatles Love it's a tribute to the Beatles come check out Keech de Soleil we're doing

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I don't think you would thanks for listening and scene thanks guys thanks for listening And scene Thanks guys Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker You can follow us at Patreon.com slash Nerd Poker And you get bonus episodes from there

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