Nerd Poker - Episode 9 - Execution O'Clock

Episode Date: March 20, 2019

Having sent Thoggis a message and declared their opposition to his rule over Boazor, the heroes hide in the alleys contemplating their next move. Everyone could use a rest, but can they find a safe haven after curfew? The quest for a Free Boazor continues.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Blaine, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode nine of season three. All my friends are here. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hello. Ken. Check it out. Chris. Hello. Sarah. Hello.

Ken. Check it out. Hello. Dan. Hi. Blaine. Hey, hi. And at the end of the table,

Sam. Hi, guys. Hi, Sam. Hey, the sonorous tones. Episode nine. What do we got from our... Our Patreons? Well? I would sure like to thank a few people. Why don't you? Thank you, Ken Haley.

What? Thank you. Ken Haley's comments. I'm sorry. Ken Hanley. I just it was so close to Ken Haley. I emerged it. Thank you. Punches with mittens. Thank you. Thank you. Mark Ian Ellie. Thank you. The ghost and Mr. Dickin.

Wow. Thank you, Derek Lowe. Thanks, Derek. Thank you, Cream Daddy. Thanks, Cream Daddy. Jesus. What Patreon account are you thanking? And thank you, Dangles Dick.

Oh, okay. You have to. When last we left our heroes. That's right, Brian. Welcome to the Clottenheim Zone. You guys are in the city of Bozor, and Y'don killed a troll. He wandered into a bar that Dagthyr frequented some ten years ago. You were having some victory drinks.

Halcyon got a stout named after her, and it was all the result of killing this troll. The troll had been terrorizing the town as a sort of lieutenant of the new local lord, an unknown strange being known as Thogus. And after killing the troll, you put him in a fish cart, drug him near the town square, lit him on fire, and then tried to run away and didn't do a very good job at it. You attracted some attention from the local authorities and ducked into

a couple of alleys. If you remember, this side of the table is in one alley, and this side of the table is in one alley to the north. You just heard some hooded figures whisper to each other and then slink away. Welcome.

Reminds me of a Fourth of July I spent in baltimore so yeah all of that happened i only remember parts of that well it was really funny to relisten to because uh there was a lot of like hey we're gonna set this body on fire right and then people were like what no and then other people were like oh absolutely i think it was yours oh okay but then you went back on it. The trolls regenerate, and then it was like, oh, we're going to send a message to the bird. Oh, right, right.

To thug us. Yeah, you killed two birds with one stone. You sent a message and got rid of a regenerating thing that can revive itself after being killed. We killed birds? Yeah. Two birds with one stone. It's not a bird. Oh, no.

I'm sorry. I forgot. Ken is a bird. Oh, wait bird oh wait yep oh you're sure now oh he looks real proud of himself i fucking knew it oh you're ahead of this game that's right oh if i may you had a smell on your face like the cat who caught the bird that's right these expressions yeah no i don't believe that's that's a famous saying the cat who caught the bird i don't think that's a famous saying. The cat who caught the bird. The cat who caught the bird.

I don't think that's the expression. Who caught the canary. I decided it's called the cat who caught. A canary is a bird, technically. Well, yeah. All of this whole conversation is the bird in the coal mine. Bird want a cracker? Canary is an important bird. It's the... Bird want a cracker? Canary is an important bird.

It's the Siamese that caught the canary. That joke is nature's turnbuckle. It's the oriental short hair that caught... It's about 4 a.m. in Bozor. I'm running out of cat breeds. You're hiding in garbage. Sphinx! Russian Blue.

Russian Blue. Russian Blue, that's a good one. Sphinx. Russian Blue. Russian Blue. I will peek around the corner. Russian Blue is those racist little girls that sing and fawn. You and I are going to play D&D while we talk to each other. Roll a stealth check. Rolling for stealth. If you are truly stealthy peeking.

Ooh, thank God I have a bonus. Eight. Woof. All right, so TikTok cavalierly. No, carefully. Carefully, but proudly? Maybe clumsily? I don't know.

He does his best to go to the end of the alley, and you knock over a little tin can. Luckily, it's not that bad that it attracts attention. By the time you look around the corner you see the hooded figures have kind of moved back towards the town center okay there are about three blocks north of you with their backs to you at this point so maybe let's keep going in the opposite direction because they'll come back at some point I think we were we had been

going to go back to the bar and then we're like no so you did make a statement that the bar might have too much heat on it because it's where the troll was. Why don't we go to the temple? Let's go to where Houshinka is. We never set a meeting point though, right? Oh yeah, so we can't communicate with them? With who?

Can we track them down first? Opposite sides of the table, can we meet up with each other? Yeah. You're just going to search the alleys until you find them, and you do. You are now in the same alley. Can we all meet at the church? Yes.

So I would say, based on his sort of shaking away of the mysterious fog, that you would remember where the Temple of LaRue is. If you remember, Hoshinka got carted off to the Temple of LaRue is. If you remember, Hashinka got carted off to the Temple of LaRue. Right. A real temple. In exchange for this announcement.

Yeah, you're going to head over in the middle of the night and do this. Sure. At some point also, I think we should make a plan. I still need some healings, too. If we get a chance. Well, why don't we get out into where we're going, and then we can get rest, right?

Yeah. Excuse me. Alakazam! Ow! Jesus Christ, that was loud. Listen, that Alakazam is brought to you by a what roll? Nine berries appear in my hand and then disappear into your beak. Jesus Christ.

Awesome. Thank you. So, yeah, go ahead and good bury your health back up, sir. You guys are going to need to do a general stealth check to try to get through town because the temple of LaRue is on the far North end of town and you are on the far South end of town. So presumably you're going to try to sneak around without attracting the attention of anybody. And you already know there's a patrol of what looks like a giant floating

jellyfish, if not more. That's what I was going to say. I'm trying to, I'll try and be mindful of there might be a silent, but huge floating thing. Ooh, huge. mindful of there might be a silent but huge floating thing. That's Brian.

Brian's mouth is full of... It's got a little whistle. He shook his head disapprovingly. Give me your general stealth checks, please. This is you moving through town. 13. You have an established DC in my notes of how easy it is to sneak through Bozor in its current state at night.

21. You got a 13? 15. of how easy it is to sneak through Bozor in its current state at night. 21. You got a 13? 15. 14. What do we roll? Roll a general stealth check. He's at 18 bonus.

You're like the sneakiest boy, too. You guys make it through most of the town, but at one point you do think you're being followed. You've got to sort of duck into an alley for a second, and you see this thing that was on patrol kind of float past. It doesn't look in the alley. You manage to make it around a corner, but it definitely caught on to you walking around at night, and you get the impression from how quiet it is at four in the morning that

there's some kind of curfew. It's generally frowned upon to be walking around. Yeah. It doesn't seem like anybody else is out. No. The fact that the bar was up late drinking makes you think that maybe the dock ward or near the ocean has got slightly different rules or something. And maybe that's why the troll visited even.

But yeah, you're you're in the alley and uh as you're kind of waiting um you're seeing this thing float by it uh if you're gonna hide while this thing goes by i'm gonna just ask everybody to do a perception check because it's even though it's dark this thing is gonna move by pretty quick. I'm still drunk, by the way. I should probably be drinking. So maybe I didn't get a 20. 16. Ooh. What was your second roll?

It was a 15. Oh, okay. 22. 19. Okay. Well, if you get a 22, you see this thing float by. I got a 20 on my perception. Yeah, well, anyone with a 20 would see this thing pretty vividly.

So you can share this information once it goes by. But you see this thing that looks like a brain. It's sort of dark purple and wet looking. And it has these tentacles coming out of the bottom of it. And a big bird beak sticking out of the front of it. Very beak. Kweep, could it be your friend? I doubt it.

Maybe a cousin. I don't see any wings. A distant aunt. Hey, clock. I've seen these things in jars. They're called grells. But you're whispering, right?

What was I doing? These things can control your minds. I've seen it happen. I saw it happen at Dave and Buster's. It is

indeed a Grell. You guys have to wait for a minute for it to go past and then you're able to make it how big is it it's big the the brain it's itself I'd say she's 280 320 it's about your size is just from the brain and then it's got these tentacles, and it floats without touching the ground. Sorry, I thought we were still talking about demon busters. And you make it to the Temple of LaRue. The Temple of LaRue. We were going to take a long rest, right, when we got out there. I guess we could do that at the temple, maybe. Yeah.

The Temple of LaRue is a gigantic tree on the other side of a main fairway on the north end of Bozor. It's broken at the top and has sort of a crystalline structure and there is a crystal door. It stands before you closed and dark. Yeah, should we do a long rest for the rest of the night

so we can get our health back? What if we're about to embark on another whole sitch here? Okay, let's go in and rest. What does the terrain look like around here? Take refuge in the temple. It's snowy. There's rock and gravel,

some dead trees. The crystal structure looks like it may have actually been attacked at one point there's like burn marks on the outside of this tree but the crystal looks strangely strong like it has it hasn't been damaged as much as the wood in the tree almost as if the crystal may have been used to fix the tree up as a structure uh the the building itself is that is built into this tree is large, and the large sort of tree is made into a building that's about the size of the town hall.

It's about a full city block by human contemporary standards. We can either knock or we can wait until morning. So what do people want? I said we knock or enter can wait until morning. So what if people want, I mean. I say we knock or enter. I don't know. But your concern is that we're walking into another thing? Yeah, like what if this is. Let's camp out out here.

Let's find a sneaky spot around the corner. Just so that people can heal up. I've got a pounding headache. And I would love to sleep this one off. Oh, that's right. You're still hammered. Why don't we set up a camp and then we'll go out and scout around this entire thing and sort of see what's going on. Great.

Do an investigation check. What can we set up camp first? It depends where you're setting up camp. I thought you were going to scout around the building and then set up camp. Did I hear that wrong? Is investigation, can we help that be? He was talking about camping and then leaving. Yeah, tell me the order of what you want to do.

Why don't we investigate and use that to help us figure out the best place to camp? Okay. Sure. 17. Better than me. Y'all are looking around this building? I hear a 17. What else do we have? Anybody?

Anybody? You're all looking together. I got a 7. How seen are you even looking? What? So, on that note, yeah, you guys kind of look around and you do just sort of realize on the north end of this temple

there is more trees, smaller trees, nothing else gigantic but it is better cover than the south side which faces the city great uh there is again a main sort of thoroughfare uh i forget what i called it earlier like a fairway or something like golf but no there's like a there's like a big road on the north end of bozor that this temple is kind of sitting upon and if you go to the north side of the temple, there's no real foot traffic, it appears. Great.

Let's get up there. Also, no second door, as far as you can tell. I'm going to use my druid abilities. Find ourselves a nice clearing that protects us from being seen. Do a nature check. How about a 20? Yeah, you find... That's a natural 20.

I didn't even look at my modifier, Dan. Oh, well, your modifier is a plus three, so you rolled a 23. And yeah, you find nestled between five trees, there's sort of like a deep little pit. It's covered in moss. It's got soft dirt, not wet dirt. Not a lot of snow because of the branches above.

We can all sleep here like kittens in a pile. Pile? You'll be on the outside, Dark Throat. But don't worry, you'll suckle at mommy's teeth like all of us. That's what we're talking about, right? i don't know what you're talking about oh god all right how long are you guys gonna rest hour wise now are you gonna have a watch what are you gonna do oh it's about four in the morning the sun's about to rise okay um i mean yeah whatever the long rest requirement is so that you can heal up fully, right?

Yeah. Cut to me with the sleep mask on. It's eight hours if you have a watch, six hours if you don't. Okay, we should do... I think we should do two people watching. I can sit up the whole time and you guys can just switch.

Oh, you're a robot. That's right. I sort of can like deprogram. Should we take a moment to talk about what your actual player race is? Do you want to reveal that? Sure, I'm a Warforged. Yeah, he is a race called Warforged.

I think you guys have learned enough about the fact that people like him have risen out of the ocean. Can we still call him a mechanical man? Absolutely. But based on just the rumors you're hearing about him in the bar earlier, you can just let the listeners know that at the very least. What, that you went to the hospital and you got 16 ounces of semen pumped out of your stomach? That was after I had the gerbils in my

buns. Oh, right. That sounded a lot more like Chris than TikTok. Nope, that was a TikTok joke. Ho, ho, clickety-clock. TikTok, TikTok. Okay. This time I thought it was Rod Stewart. TikTok, do a perception check, please.

A little better. 17. Ooh, please. A little better. 17. Ooh, okay. So after these guys have rested for about five and a half hours, a little bit before you would call it the most perfect of long rests. But the sun is up now. The sun has been up all day. And while you're waiting, you hear uh at first just

like a like it's quiet and then um you hear a lot of shouting uh in the distance it's far away it's on the other side of temple so you can't make out any words they have found our present organic uh stuff yeah is is making loud noises you know um and then uh but then that that dies down after a while um things get very quiet after the shouting uh for a few hours and then yeah right right when there's like a it's been like five hours 45 minutes you guys still get credit for the long rest but uh just based on the time of day that i set up for this to happen, you hear like a strange kind of like magically loud voice. You still can't quite make out what it's saying. But like echoing or something like that.

Yeah, echoing and reverberating in almost a performative kind of way. It's kind of whiny and quivering. It's a strange voice. And then you hear... Coming from the temple? Coming from the other side of the temple. It's like echoing over the temple and through the trees in the city. Is it moving?

It goes on for about a minute and a half, two minutes. I will wake up Halsey. And then stops abruptly. What's it saying? Can't wake her up. You can't make out the words.

Not with the 17 anyway. The rest of us are still asleep. Before I wake everybody else up. I think they are searching for us. Can I hear anything? You guys wait maybe five minutes go by, and you hear the magically loud voice again. Do another perception check.

Not good. Eight. You can't make out any of the words still, but it sounds strangely similar to the last time. Okay. Well, has everybody had enough time to wake everyone up?

I think we have been lucky not to have been discovered. I think now they are searching. And now that you've rested, I am going to give someone a present. Halcine got a beer named after her while giving some speeches,

so she gets a point of inspiration. Yay! And the way this is going to go... We talked about this... Check this shit out. ...on Twitter. I don't know if you guys saw. What?

Oh. That is a token with a dice in it. The way that works is you can hang on to that token as long as you want, and the dice will sit in there to remind you that what inspiration does is it lets you roll advantage on any attack or what do you call it saving throw that you want and you can sit on it but you can only have one you can't get another one and when you spend it it's gone and i could technically give it to

somebody else if i wanted to, right? Correct. Okay. Do you have to decide to use it, like if you roll poorly, can you then add, or do you have to decide it from the top? You have to decide it as you do it. The idea being like, I tell you you have to do a roll or someone else,

and then you go, oh, I'm using a second dice for this in case the first one sucks. So it's preemptive. You can't add one. Yes. That's cool. You have to give me the token

when you're done so you're not hoarding them and you can keep the dice though. Where did you get the token? Etsy. It's super cool. I'll look it up later. There's nerdy stuff on Etsy? Holy shit. You have no idea.

Do you remember for Christmas when I got you guys the gelatinous cube soap with a dice on it? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's from Etsy also. Okay, that makes sense. Okay, so yeah, there is this voice, this magical voice, and it seems to have taken five minutes apart like a couple of speeches or something. Can we hear it? I mean, can we decipher it?

Another few minutes go by. Everybody roll a perception check. 10. 16. Do you want that out of there? 19. Oh, okay. 12.

What do you want in there? Let's see. Uh, let's see. Uh, you hear, uh, you hear the voice again, and you can kind of piece together, uh, the last thing it says is Thagas, but that's it. Perhaps there's a command for the city under the name of Thagas. What is Thagas? The coward who hides inside the city under the name of Thogus. What is Thogus?

The coward who hides inside the city hall who has taken over. The non-human something or other. Right, okay. But you feel like now that you've heard it for a third time, you'd have to get around the building to really hear what's going on. Because it's being muffled by the fact that you're behind a building. Something occurs to me. They are looking for us. They are on guard.

They do not seem particularly prepared for an actual rebellion. No. It occurs to me if we come at them sooner rather than later, it might be to our advantage. They do not appear to be ready. Maybe Queep can fly over, see if he can hear what, I assume they're announcing. Searching for information

on the traitors. Now, do your best to describe for me sort of visually and physically what Queep is doing. So are you going to try to perch on the building? I'm going to fly up, perch on the building. Can you act it out with your body?

Dan just wanted some kind of weird pervy like describe the wings. It didn't help I put my jacket on because I was feeling a little chilly so I was doing some weird like live to like get the sleeves on but yeah okay you're just do a stealth check to see if you draw any attention as a giant I'm trying to you know stay far away as Sam was. Fly low, cuckoo bird. Uh-oh. Watch out, three. You told me to get new dice, and I feel like Dr. Heal Thyself.

I got five. You did still send a barbarian to do a rogue's job there. I am Dr. Heal Thyself. Dr. Phil Heal Thyself. So, Kweep, you feel like maybe you had your giant wings folded out a little long as you perch on the building. But you notice there's not really, like, anyone looking up or over here.

You do, however, think you get a pretty good sense of what's going on. Roll a perception check. All right. 50. Yeah! That's all you needed exactly so you look down and you see there is a patrol standing in the street and they're not far

actually they're on the north road and it consists of two very tall furry looking beings and they have sort of long flat ears that go And it consists of two very tall, furry-looking beings. And they have sort of long, flat ears that go out to the side. They're wearing armor and carrying axes. And then standing in the middle of them is a very nervous-looking frog-like person.

The frog-like person is standing next to a pile of jars. It picks up one of the jars and it kind of like screws the lid off of it and goes and pulls it out. And this voice seems to boom out of the jar that it's holding. And the voice says the following citizens of Bozor. I fear the validity of your citizenship is at stake one or more amongst you has brutally murdered and desecrated the body

of Marshall Dugthuck a loyal local man who grew up on the edge of your own town with this sort of civil unrest I'm afraid everyone's legal protection as Bozor citizens must be temporarily suspended until a perpetrator has been surrendered unrest, I'm afraid everyone's legal protection as Bozor citizens must be temporarily suspended until a perpetrator has been surrendered. No need to fuss over whom is exactly how guilty,

or if it was more than one traitor to our city, your Lord Thogus is forgiving. All I ask is that you citizens decide amongst yourselves which single criminal shall be held responsible, citizens decide amongst yourselves which single criminal shall be held responsible present him to this executioner squad and then that every one of you suspended citizens gather around to witness as this traitor is beaten to death in the street thank you for your vigilance you have one hour and then we shall begin beating suspects to death until you the willing mob decides to convict someone there will be a moon festival with lunar-themed rations next week. This message is, of course, from your beloved Lord Thargus. And then he takes the jar and smashes it on the ground.

And the three beings around him, the furry ones, are kind of like looking around, waiting for someone to approach. So they're just hanging out there. Mm-hmm. And you see there's like a pile of other smash jars like they've been going through them. Should we go to City Hall right now? While they're not expecting us and just like storm it? Do I see any other

guards around? No. Although do an insight check. I guess we haven't heard any of this yet. Do an insight check. All right. I guess we haven't heard any of this yet.

14. No, you don't notice anything else. All right, we're going to head back and tell the gang. Flap, flap, flap, flap, ca-ca, flap, ca-ca. Yes. He's a bird. Here comes the cutest little badass. Jesus God.

What is it, Queep? What did you see? It seems like there's a little frog man who's making speeches, threatening to beat everybody up. He's got two guards. I think he might be Thogus, or he is a messenger of Thogus. No, it's you. What? What? What?

What did I? He's like opening the jar. The voice is coming from the jar. Yeah. The voice was like a recording, right? I guess. Or maybe he can't speak and he needs to use those jars. I'm enjoying how Queep might just be too dumb to tell the story.

It's not Ken's fault or anything. I'm not smart at all. We are learning. These are growing pains. Queep is a stabbo, not a hero. Wait, what? Well, like a hero is enlisting. I did it wrong.

The phonetics of that one was strange. It didn't go well. I liked Halcine's idea about storming City Hall. They will not be ready. While you guys are talking you hear another we have an hour citizens will not be beaten for an hour you feel like at this point about 20 minutes have passed since they started giving this you're not sure because you only heard one iteration if that hour was in all the messages?

I am also confident that between now and then, those boys will hear of us. So we could either go kill them or we could go straight to City Hall. What do you guys think? Kill who? The three people? Kill the messengers. Kill the death squad? Yeah.

There's a death squad and yeah, there. Yeah, although they're the ones. There's a death squad, and yeah, there's four of them. Should we do the thing where one of us pretends to be somebody that's being surrendered, and then we get up close and then open fire? We could be citizens bringing forth the one to be surrendered. The old Chewbacca maneuver. What is this thing? I didn't want I didn't want to figure it out that hard but yeah I will always nerd out that hard relax I

think I know what he's got in mind yeah I'm fine with either plan if we want to do that or we just want to skip right ahead to the big boss no let's kill these fuckers they are a death squad after all yeah I like the way the guy from ministry thinks we'll teach him a lesson in death okay I suppose the prisoner should be me

no you should oh yeah maybe because of me being what I am that is scary to them Ken's the most Chewbacca like unless your kind was working with them or I could stay at a distance

and not be part of the up close group probably want to handcuff maybe you could be our like scout on the outside I will do that to step in when we need you don't you have like

don't you have crazy long distance vision and stuff um no i have good vision but i don't have a special vision so you could be a pilot but i have a bow also these guys were in the street on the north side of town because it's such a big street so they were kind of right in front of the temple they're basically on the other side of the temple oh they're in front of the temple. They're basically on the other side of the temple. Oh, they're in front of the place. You're in back of the place. I was making a spectacle of myself from what little I remember about last night. So it seems like my description might have. You and Darkthor got married.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Wrecked. Record scratch. How did I get into this? record scratch um so uh i feel like maybe i should be the prisoner since your description may have been given out already yeah you're saying i was

oh yeah hey we found this like we found this drunk in the thing right over here i'm gonna i'm to fashion an eye patch because I think it makes me look cooler. An eye patch? What are the chances that all of our descriptions have been turned in?

How many people were there? There were about a dozen people in the bar who witnessed the scrap. But they all seemed to be on the side of fuck that troll, weren't they? Who knows? But if one person did it... At least a couple of them helped you kill it.

They didn't seem like snitches. Well, we got to pick somebody. I feel like I'm fine to not be also, but... I feel like you've been voted the prisoner. Are you guys just going to walk around the side?

What exactly are you proposing for TikTok? I will maybe stealth around the other side to try and sort of have a tactical position with the bow. Okay. So pick a side, east or west. Me? Yes. I'm not going to ask this

herd of kittens to all decide on the other one. So you go west, these guys go east. We do like a fake rope tie on my hands and stuff. He's got a thorn whip you could use too. Let's not go crazy. All right. So TikTok, you head west and do a stealth check, please. Am I going with you guys to be a thorn whip?

Yeah, you should be. Okay, I'll thorn whip around your wrists be okay i'll thorn whip you're around your wrists and stuff what'd you roll tiktok yeah i'm checking 15 all right you uh you managed to get around and you can kind of like even put your bow like up against a piece of crystal that's sticking out of this tree oh nice great uh so you feel like you're partially obscured. Great. You guys march Halcine around the east side of this temple. And the second you do, the little frog man locks eyes with all of you and goes like, and he sets the jar down and starts making weird noises. And the three other guys

turn and look at you. I foe struggle. Yeah, what do you say? You got their attention. Oh. We caught the what we call her? Murderer?

The killer? Blaine? Oh, hi. Listen. murderer killer oh hi listen we heard your jar and took a look around and we found the thing you were looking for it's

her now if you want to take an examiner, take a look, whatever, it's all yours. You can take it from here, officer. We're just going to be right over here. My friend over there, my other friend over there.

Me right here. Don't touch me, frog. I say to the frog. She's been giving us that kind of lip the whole time. Dr. Ewitt, please do a deception check with advantage your boy dark through started the sentence for you and everything it was beautiful 21 they they all kind of like narrow their eyes at you in a show of toughness but they don't seem to uh threaten any of you except for halseen they they uh walk up to you uh kind of yank you away from everyone else

and uh start marching you uh towards the center of the street oh hey what is the formation uh right now there's one on either side of her, and there's one kind of like patting his axe that they're following. The one with the axe? The frog is taking up the lead. And they're all big, furry, what? They're the back. The frog is in the back.

Beastman guys? Yeah. You definitely did not make a plan of any kind. TikTok, you would not know what kind of creatures they are, but they're very tall. Like bigger than human size. Yeah, bigger than human size. They've got they've got they've they've got kind of like triangle shaped bodies are just really broad shoulders. Okay, and then like a

small waist and like that bugs bunny giant red fur monster gossamer. Yeah, like gossamer a little bit, except they've those big like wide ears, also big furry flat ears that stick out the side. Quick question and a follow-up. Officers, where are you taking this thing we got? And are we being compensated for our actions as citizens? One of them turns to you and goes, and just, they keep walking.

Okay, I wait until we're 10 feet away. I'm ready to shoot an arrow. Okay. And then I cast shatter. A sudden loud ringing noise, painfully intense. Erupts from a point of my choice within range. I'm going to make it my mouth. Each creature in a 10-foot radius sphere centered on that point

must make a constitution saving throw. Okay. A creature takes 3d8 thunder damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. Okay. half as much damage on a successful one. Okay. So I'm going to do some Constitution saving throws.

Hey, Blaine, what were these Constitution saving throws brought to us? That's what I was wondering. Oh, boy. This is brought to you by Merle's Jr. If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face. Merle's Jr. Yeah. Try and sue us. I got two 15s, a three and a six.

What was the difficulty on that? What's your character's spell save DC? It's your character's spell save DC, I believe. It's a constitution saving. Right, they have to beat your spell save DC oh I see where is it your spell attack they just don't care over at Merle's they just don't care I see

they really don't it got it got all over the got over my face oh god yeah it was over your face I was in cedars for like spell attack like 28 hours. Okay. They had to beat a 13, so two of them made it.

And how does the constitution part come in? They roll their constitution bonus on a 20. They roll one D20 and add their constitution bonus. So they take half damage. Two of them will take half damage. Two of them will take half damage. Two of them will take half damage. Two of them will take full damage. Okay. And I just roll the damage once and it's the same damage for everybody else.

Mm-hmm. Ugh. Oh, my God. Good? Yep. Sarah, you're my favorite dice roller of all time. That's a 10 total. 3d8 uh so all of a sudden um you just see a huge explosion of power from hal seen and a couple of these guys uh get knocked back it's a ringing noise but the two on either side of you are still...

They just kind of reel back and they manage to plant a hand firmly on your shoulder. I shoot an arrow at one of them. Hey, everybody. You know what this means. It's time to roll initiative. Hey, what'd you get there, Queep? Sixteen.

What'd you get there, Queep? 16. What'd you get there, Dr. Uyghur? 19. Hey, Tic Tac, what'd you get? I'll be bringing up the rear with a 7. Alright. Halseen, what'd you get? I got a 4.

So much art there. Oh, boy. I'm loving these tiny dice. They're really, really good. Will you do a commercial for tiny dice while I roll their initiatives? Tiny dice clan. Hi, I'm tiny dice.

You might remember me from the Miami Dolphins in 1972. Larry Zonka and I were famed for taking regular-sized dice and whittling them down to a tiny little size while we were waiting for our waitress to get off work so that we could all head over to

Palladino's and our Trans Ams. Anyway, Tidy Dice got us through some tough times. They can help you get through some tough times too. Ask for them by name. Tidy Dice. Be prepared to explain what Ask for them by name, Tiny Dice. Be prepared to explain what you're talking about. Tiny Dice.

But Tiny Dice. A whole bunch. Dan, I don't think you need to get a whole bunch of guys. This bitch is sucking my cock. But Tiny Dice, you said we could cuddle Tiny Dice You could tuck him into a sardine can Did Dan leave?

Yeah, I think Dan just got up and left. He went to get a bunch of scary things to attack us with. And I just kept riffing in his car. He doesn't even own a car. He went and bought a car. He took my car. He's got a different car every time.

Anyway, it was the sharpest Swiss I had ever eaten in my life i couldn't believe how sharp it was it was very very tasty and i was like i can't believe i got this at gelson's i mean it's this isn't an ad or anything but oh my god what great swiss at gelson's at one time talking cheese yeah i went back later thinking I was going to get it again and it sucked. Why did you think that? I don't know. It's just how life is. It's chasing that dragon

with thinking I was going to get another batch of good Swiss. We're not recording. Are we recording? I hope. Always. I think we are technically. I think we are technically not recording. Okay, good. In real life too? Anyway, I lost $40,000 on the Oscars.

TikTok, you are positioned to the east on this side of the map. Can I get Halcine? Mm-hmm. Halcine, you've been escorted fairways this way. Cuckoo Bird? Following. Down here by the Cocoa Puffs. You guys are over here.

You guys look really cute. Thanks. Time for your bad fellas. Uh-oh. All my life I've wanted to be a gangster piece. Be a bad fellas. A little guy. A big guy.

Long hair. Chewies. So there's a frog. And toad together. And then a frog that guy and towed together and then a normal-sized guy hmm many guys so many guys too many guys let's get them these two are the ones that would did not seem to be too affected and those two are yes got it so dr uid you are up i'm up uh uh what's who's the biggest guy there guy to halstein's left uh is a pretty large uh mushy looking dude um but all three of the brutes look pretty bad. Would I have to move before I could attack? No. Then I'm going to close as quickly as possible,

and I'm going to whip his legs together. Roll to attack. How about a 20? How would that be? Let's take it. Oh, my goodness. Is that a natural 20? Yeah, what's your spell attack bonus?

My spell attack bonus is a six. Okay. So 26. First of all, you get it around his legs, the guy closest to you. And now roll your damage and double it, baby. Okay. I got to get this. These new tiny dice are happening for me

12 and that's with the cool yeah it's a 1d6 times 2 I nailed it guys I nailed it you get it around his legs and he just eats shit

he takes another roll a d4 planes rolling a d4 everybody He takes another roll of D4. Lane's rolling a D4. Everybody, here he goes. Look at that. Nice. Nice form.

Hey, that's a one. All right. Well, he takes one more point of damage as he bites it. Will you take the guy on the left? Yeah, that side and have him. He's now prone. Chris, just move the guy. Queep, you're up. I'm going to fly over.

I have not been doing this the whole time. For eight years. I'm going to fly over and claw this guy's eyes. Cool. All right. The guy in the ground? Yeah. All right.

Make sure he doesn't get up Chris is moving queen and you're gonna what use your feet and like grab it all right so this is gonna be a grapple so he pulls out the guy's extensions this is one of my attacks yeah yeah yeah but you're already trying to grab him or you just doing talent attack

plus nine trying to blind him all trying to blind him. We can't all do it. You're trying to blind him? I'll do the golf voice. There will be a slightly higher AC because you're going for a specific part of his body.

It's a culture. What's your plus with your talent? Ken's got a 10 there plus five. That's 15. There's a miss. He manages to wiggle around in the ground. I'm in it now. Yeah, you're right in his face for sure.

Hi, guys. They go... All right. The guy on the other side gets to go. Peep. Dan's rolling one of these guys. Ah! Oh, boy. Dan's rolling one of these guys. So he is going to rush at Dr. Uwud.

This guy? Yeah. And he is, that is a hit. He rolled a 15. Dr. Uwud has a 13 AC. So he is trying to smack you and hits you for. It's your for nine points of damage as he clubs the upside the head. Yeah.

Oh, geez. Geez. Not my head. What does he hit? My precious head. We've got hit. Dr. Uwe.

Dr. Uwe. That just made me mad. The guy on the ground is going to try and get up. He can't. Even though you got clubbed. Because I almost talloned him. Yeah, he's just in a bad way. But he was unable to get up.

He's so scared of your sharp foot. He got scared and unable to get up. He's scared of your sharp foot. He got scared and can't get up. That's the wrong kind of clubbing. I believe it is one more of these guys. So these are bugbears. Bugbear number three is... Oh, that explains why I lie awake at night thinking about him. What?

Queep. What's your AC? It's a hit. He's got a plus four to hit. Bugbear. I'm a bugbear. He's going to hack at you for six points of damage. Who's doing this

uh so if you can take that front dude and just sort of turn him around to his yeah exactly yeah that's bright eyes son of a beast tiktok's up kill that bug I'm going to shoot my bow uh what's little frog Johnny doing uh he

just stumbled backwards when halcyon cast shatter and he's kind of looking around scared I'm gonna put an arrow in the back of his head cool roll to attack oh that looked good I have Chris rolled an 18

I rolled an 18 that's a hit with the bow it's a 26 Dan oh Jesus that's a hit roll your damage that's a 26, Dan. Oh, Jesus, that's a hit. Roll your damage. That's a big bonus he has there. Nine points. Nine points of damage. You lodge an arrow

in its throat, and you just see his sort of like flesh pouch ripped in half as the arrow cuts all the way across and lands in the street, and he's just sort of like pawing at his neck. He's not dead, but you've quite nearly murdered him. I believe I

got his attention. He says to no one far away on a hill. Who did he believe just now? I heard it. Good one. Lil Frogman. Yeah, you found him from way over there. Jug John. Why is Hawkeye hanging away from us? Jug John. Lil frog man is going to run at you and he

is going to attempt to stab you with his spear and he misses so if you can put him uh in it's so sad he uh no not not you he's uh at tiktok oh he turns at tiktok yeah attack who just well that's so put him put him he's he's he's uh gonna try to go around the crystals that I tried to draw there. He's like a tiny Shrek. It's ambitious of him. Yeah, he did his best. It wasn't good enough. Hey, bud. All right, Dark, three are up.

Who is right? Oh, can I cast? That's, is that my friend? That's Dr. Dr. It's facing down right in front of me. But who's turned to Dr. It?

This bad guy. Yeah. And he hit Dr. It. Okay. Hit me bad. In my head where i keep all my senses taller than dr uid i bought a foot i keep my sight my hearing my tasting my smelling they're like some of my touching i say uh dr uid duck and then I cast darkness

on the what should I not do that again no no no I just Halcine just flashing back to last night because I did before

fun darkness I only have a couple of things that I know what to do so I'm learning my skills we should clarify too like last last episode

I when I was listening to it I was very frustrated myself because I was listening to myself try to remember what gloom stalker rangers myself because I was listening to myself try to remember what Gloomstalker Rangers can do. I think what you were trying to remember when you were trying to do a sneak attack

was you can do Dread Ambush, which means you can run a lot faster. Right. So, okay, this means you've mastered the art of an ambush. You give yourself a bonus to your initiative rolls equal to your wisdom modifier. Have you been doing that? No, I guess not. Okay, so what to your wisdom modifier have you been doing that uh no i i guess not okay so uh what's your wisdom modifier it looks like well this guy i'm not sneaking up on because he's well no but that's the beauty of it you don't need to be sneaking oh really yeah

that's that that's the rogue stuff that was getting me confused so say what say what you have a plus three to your initiative okay so. So you rolled on your initiative a four, but that's actually bumped up to a seven. So not a huge bonus this time, but next time. You have a plus seven. Yeah, it says I have a plus seven. I would have been 11. I didn't even know that.

Yeah. Oh, okay. So it wouldn't have changed the initiative this time but uh next time keep that look at your plus two initiative yeah that could have rocked your world i haven't watched that yet and uh so in addition to that um for the the start of your first turn your walking speed is increased by 10 feet so you can get an additional 10 feet anywhere on there at this uh and when you take an attack you make an additional weapon attack as part of the action okay uh and then so i would get i would try to get it so

i'm aiming past uh like if i to the darkness yeah you're trying to just get like necking up yeah if i moved but also so uh dr who it's out of the way okay is the idea yeah i mean you can definitely get it like over his head cool and then i'm gonna don't mind me i'm gonna run and slash adam go for it yeah uh well let me see i think casting darkness counts as your action okay then but you can run at him you can get up in his face or you can wait back there i'm gonna run around him actually okay for it. Use your extra 10 feet. All right. I totally didn't even see you.

Well, exactly. He's figuring out how he's going to start murdering people in the future, right? Dark, when you ran that fast, did you make like a rocket sound effect with your mouth? The whole time you're like... I just said, zoom. Halcine, you're up.

No, I didn't. He's too cool to do that. Okay. Shoot. Well, so now there's only two guys and one of them's on the ground. Nobody's dead. Yeah, but I was going to cast something that doesn't make sense anymore. So instead what I'm going to do is I'm just going to cast inflict wounds on the strongest guy who's standing. All right. It's a touch thing so I

have to be right there. All right the the strongest guy, you mean with like, he has been hit the least? Yes, but I also have to touch him, I think, so. All right, that would be the guy in the front. And yeah, the guy who was in the front, the guy who turned on. The guy with the axe? Yeah.

Okay, and I have to make a melee spell attack. Okay. Does he do a dex saving throw or anything? No, it make a melee spell attack. Does he do a dex saving throw or anything? No, it looks like... It's a melee spell attack. Yeah, it's just against his AC. Nice. Get him. Yeah, Tic Tac likes this.

Oops. You should roll a different one. You should roll a one. Oops. What is with your bonus? So is this my spell attack bonus I add to this so that means I get a seven yeah that is a miss so he

is not affected by your spell he just sort of like looks over his shoulder and notices that you were a part of this whole shtick and the spell doesn't take he just sort of moves to he just sort of moves like he's ready to hit you. You've got his attention.

Extremely anticlimactic. Dr. Uid. I'm going to flame blade this guy's dick off. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Yay. You're not happy. Roll to attack.

14. That's a miss. What? Yep. With my That's a miss. What? Yep. With my what? And my other what? Afraid so. His dick has a high AC.

No, I haven't put any modifiers on there yet. Oh, oh. What am I? Pardon me. What's my modifier? Your spell attack bonus with the flame blade. My spell attack bonus. The flame blade.

It's plus six. Wait, I think, right? Let me see. I think there might be a... Flame blade. What's your bonus flame blade? One of the worst songs ever. The one I just did?

What's your bonus flame blade? Hey, flame blade. That was what's your bonus flame blade? It's a melee spell attack. And I've heard post-unlocked that's that's a hit okay come and stab me flame blade in the dick hey time to stab my dick off flame blade i feel like the author's self-confidence is really low hello from another regions Welcome to the stabbing Flame blade

Roll your damage Is this an EP or an LP? I don't know I'm not proud of what's happening It's like an old Pink Floyd song 13 Flame Flame

You guys are going primus again. Yeah, that was like flame blade comes upon his dick and the bug bear falls the ground. The bully rug runs to Mr. Tick Tock without even making a sound. By the way, I went, but everything's okay. Good.

You plunge your flame blade into this guy's stomach, and when it comes out, it takes some innards with it, and the dude just kind of shudders and falls to the side. He's dead. You murdered the shit out of that bugbear. No, I wanted to get his social security number. Queeps up. Great action. Good. Yeah, he was setting up an ambush attack. social security number queeps up that great

good. Yeah, he was setting up an ambush attack next time. I had a similar dark that just walks away 14. His shoulders go up, turn into a Peter bag cartoon with a stab laying in the face

role was a 14. Yeah, it's a miss your axe just sort of swings past his shoulder. The lead executioner. What happened again? I missed again. I believe I missed again. I believe I missed again. Was that Genesis?

Yeah. Ken, the guy swings back at you and misses. Oh, thank goodness. The guy on the ground gets up. Can you please bring him to his feet? That is his action, however, and that brings us to TikTok. Put it back to TikTok. I'm going to switch over to my...

I have two little double hand axes. I'm going to do a two-handed... Not a two-handed, a two-weapon melee attack. Okay. Attack with each of them. You're walking right up to Froggy Boy? Yeah. All right.

I mean, he was basically right at me. Mm-hmm. All right. Bleeding profusely for a minute. Just shoot him right in the face, like close up. I wish. With the arrow.

So the first one's a 15. That's a hit. Oh, good. And do you want me to roll damage or roll for the second one? Yeah, roll your damage. All right. Blaine. Oh, so that's five points of damage for the first one.

How do you want to kill this frog? I want to put the hand axes and just like chop his little arms up. Chop, chop. Okay. So you bring the axes down and his spear kind of does like a spiral behind him as it arcs through the sky and clinks against some crystal in the temple. And you see his arms both spiral behind him. And for a second, he goes with his right arm

to try to grab the left arm, and his left arm to try to grab the right arm as he sees them fly through the air, realizes he has neither, and then he falls to the ground dead. Oh. It's just a flesh wound. Could have used you for information.

Fantastic reference. Yeah, no information coming from Froggy Boy. Whose turn it would have been next? Darkthor, it's your turn. Okay, so the guy... He's still got his back to you. There's another guy with his back to me now, right? I'm going to slide in there as quick as I can

and slash it as Achilles tendons. Go for it. That's a hit. Yeah. What would that be? What's my plus on that? that's a hit yeah what would that be what's my plus on that that's your look at your

long swords plus to hit oh plus four so you got 22 yeah roll your damage man okay d d d

Brian Rowland is brought to you by Wedge Salad Skittles Oh fuck Jesus You can only eat half but it's really good Wedge Salad Skittles Like bacon?

Probably blue cheese Maybe a little tomato Some of the freshness Yeah I'm into it It's a very Wonka kind. Some of the freshness of like a, yeah. I'm into it. A tire, yeah. It's a very Wonka kind of. Control the lettuce amount very well with a wedge.

A nine on the slash. All right. And you get to do, you get to roll another D8, I think. How does this work? It's two handed, so the dagger.

If that attack hits, the target takes an additional 1d8 of damage from the so roll another 1d8 this is your dread ambush oh wow cool uh 4 so what's the total damage uh

what did I say it was before on the first one did I say 8 yeah and then 12 another 4 so 12 uh you just chop at his legs and he drops to his knees Halcine's up okay so what do we have

left now? that guy is on his knees so you can actually drop him on his knees I didn't two hand him I wanted to though so do I roll again? that's him. I wanted to, though. Oh, okay. So do I roll again? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Yeah, you can roll in addition to the double attack.

You can roll with your dagger now. Okay, cool. Yeah, roll it. Yeah, because I said I was going at his Achilles tendons. So that's what I meant. Well, that's what I meant. I didn't even see Achilles nindons. Just roll that 20.

Is this on, Sam? 20 Sam am I doing a bit we're almost out of time I'm trying to see if these guys are we doing time Sam I already know how we're doing 12 on that one that's a miss Alcine what are you going to do I'm going to try to inflict

wounds again on this guy this is the one! Inflict those wounds. Hey! Natural 20! Oh shit. Oh shit. Okay, roll your damage. Okay.

Which I think is, I just looked this up before. Inflict wounds? Yeah. Yeah, it is 1d10. Or no, I'm sorry, it's 3d10 necrotic damage. Oh god. this is gonna be interesting this will be a fun note

to end out on nice I saw necrotic damage open for DRI and at the cattle club in 19 25 before that yeah how would you like to kill this bugbear saw Jeff Jenna open for Dr. DROZ no I'm gonna do before that yeah how would you like to kill this bug bear um so jeff jenna opened for dr uh

inflict was no i'm gonna do dr oz i'm gonna grab him like gently like by the face uh-huh and just like caress his cheeks and then just do 50 points of damage or whatever yeah i mean yeah you for a second he like growls like he's gonna bite and then you see his eyes cross and the skin on his face just starts to droop and it melts like right off like like like a like a slice of ham on a on a bus bench it just in the summer day. What the fuck? I love those Amsoil bus benches. Oh no, if I lived there, I'd be home by now. Bugbear, bye. Hell seen. The only guy who's left is a bugbear with one hit point on his knees

having had his Achilles tendon on his right leg cut by Darksir. I call out, questions. I call out questions. Keep him for questions. And on that note, we will to be continued. Nice. Hey,

Sam. Hi, everybody. What do you think happened? Episode nine. I will tell you exactly what happened. All right. Sarah made a good burger reference right at the top,

and we're still a floating jellyfish. We were at a crystal door and tick tock is a race that rose from the ocean, which explains his insane sexual energy. We all did perception checks a bunch and we met two furries. There was a jar full of voices. We

fake tied up Sarah and then the frog man sauce. Some men with triangle bodies were there and Sarah rolled for a painful noise. Now we're in battle and there's too many men. Blaine whipped some legs, can tried to claw some eyes, but blew it and then the frog man tried to hurt tick tock. Blaine tried to flame blade a dick and didn't do it. Tick tock tried to attack with two hands and did and blew somebody else's hands off and then Sarah rolled the natural twenty

nice. I just I don't like to correct Sam because what then don't what he says is long. I just want to give Dr. Uid credit that flame blade did land in. Oh, it did. Yeah, I totally I totally hit him in the stomach, though. You know what? It came into his stomach up through his dick. It like arced up. Oh,

that rules. I apologize. Yeah, those are your notes. We've all had that operation, right? All right, rules. I apologize. Those are your notes. We've all had that operation, right? BrianPersane.com Forever Nerdy. On that note, let's do plugs. Thanks for listening.

Oh, wait. What do you got? I'm just trying to see. When is this episode dropped, Sam? Do you know off the top of your head? Yes, give me one second. Okay. I've got San Francisco coming up, Cobbs, and then that Hawaii show, Blue Note. If you live in Oahu, thumbs up already.

This will drop March 19th. What if you live in Oahu's? Yeah, if you're in LA, come check out my show, The Filling, at the Lyric Hyperion. It'll be this Wednesday. That's it. That's it. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening. We're doing the show. We're totally doing the show. That's it. We're recording.

Sam, wrap it up. I'll take it. It does that in my head, too. We'll save it for the show.