Nerd Poker - Episode 9 - Phantasmal Pop Tart

Episode Date: June 13, 2017

In this episode our adventurers realize they have a castle to explore and a leveling up to enjoy. And they meet Edmund, a thrall of the 8 vampires of Amynna, 2 of which are now dead. And now that they know there are 6 powerful vampires on their way to Ahmelegdha's castle the clock is ticking. Will they discover more loot? Or will they stumble onto something gross? Only time will tell.

Hey, it's Brian, and you're about to listen to episode 9 of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. We get the mic issues resolved by 11, so thanks for hanging tight with us. Only this episode and next episode, and then everybody has a microphone. Follow us on Patreon. We're about to record some special bonus episodes this week with two very special guests. If you're a fan of the old show, you're going to be stoked. I'm on the road a little bit this summer. I'm home a lot, but I'll be in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys next weekend, the end of June. I don't have the dates in front of me. And I'll also be at the Idiot Fest up in the Bay Area

at the Shoreline, a place where I saw a million shows back in the day. It's going to be cool. And I've got Raleigh coming up and a couple other gigs, Toronto in the fall. But check out everythingbrianpassain.com. You guys are the best. Thanks for listening. Hey, it's Brian Poussaint. I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons and Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's

Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons & Dragons. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

Hey everybody, it's Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. And my friends are here. Hey. Hello. Hey. Howdy, Blaine. Hello. This is episode nine.

We still don't have, I was hoping to have a second mic, but we're getting that worked out. We'll be okay. You can hear me from this close, right? We have a second mic. i'm sure you guys are complaining like crazy by now because we're episode nine nine episodes in or we'll be in the future yeah once this is yeah you know to make it up to you we're gonna eat thin slices of pizza right in front of the microphone as close as we can and i'll make my barfing noise

that you guys love so much we found an arby's that went out of business three years ago in the valley. They still had a bunch of roast beef. Hey, buddy. You can come in and say hi, and then we're going to curse, okay? So you've got to go. What's curse? Say bad words. Oh, crap, but I'll be watching Cars 3 trailers.

Okay, what are you watching? Cars 3 trailers. Oh, okay. Hi. Hi. Hi, fans fans. Hi brain fans. You're the best, buddy. Cars 3 looks pretty intense, right? Yeah, McQueen beats up. Yeah, we were a little worried.

The first trailer, it looked like he died, and now it looks like he lives, so we're a little less stressed out. Yeah, I know. I've seen the toys. One of my friends have toys. Already? Oh wow. Do they take battle damage?

Yeah, they do have battle damage. Okay. Uh huh. Oh, there's like this little crashing noise. You like push this thing on the bottom. Poor Lightning. Alright, you got it coming. Alright.

Bye. Bye. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. Poor Lightning. Hey.

Yeah, come on. All right. Bye. Bye. He's gone. Bye, everybody. Bye. My kid, by the way, can I tell you two quick things? Uh-huh.

I call some photon tomatoes. And, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Forget it. I just got overwhelmed by the photon tomatoes It's pretty good You're back in here Oh Fillmore's in Cars 3 Oh Fillmore's back Who does the voice I wonder

Cause that guy uh That guy passed away I don't know Maurice LaMarche Anyway We're back I don't know Maurice LaMarche anyway we're back it says in the

the new show open says that you'll hear my my wife and my kids and my dogs occasionally because we record in the house so you just did

yeah and this episode is sponsored by Pixar thanks Pixar any business You just did. Yeah, and this episode's sponsored by Pixar. Thanks, Pixar. Any business? I don't know if I've done this one. We might be on the verge of actually going and putting episodes up.

So we're at event horizon right now with actually being able to. So now that you've heard nine episodes or eight episodes Yeah We're gonna watch But we're also gonna have Like ads saying All the stuff that's going on But um We do have a Patreon account And uh Yeah

Patreon.com Slash nerd poker Yeah Um And then Um You wanna see Uh

Tastful nudes of Brian We've got him up on Patreon only So And uh I have a A P.O. box That I'll uh Awesome. We've got him up on Patreon only. And I have a P.O. box that I'll... Awesome. We've got an ad here.

That's not P.O. for post office, though. I will... Penile orifice. I'll say that at the end of the episode, but then it's also... You said that you put P.O. memes here. I don't know if I Shouted out this gentleman From San Francisco gave me Some cash a couple weeks ago when I was

Up there at Cobb's John Rogers But hey fans you can go back To doing that again at my comedy shows And Brian And then once we I accept money too If you ever see me at Starbucks

I've been handed money I think we're ever going to get caught up. If you ever see me at Starbucks, please. I've been handed money. I think we're always going to be several episodes ahead, so when we do do ads for our stand-up gigs, we'll just record them separately. But we'll start promoting gigs pretty soon here. And drop them in, right? That's what they call it.

Who's they? The people we call drop them in. That's That's what they call it. Who's they? The people that call it drop them in. That shirt. Who's that artist? I don't know. It's from Glorp. Glorp.com. Very cool.

Is that the Seattle guys? I don't know where they are, but it's the one that comes with free gum. Oh. You're buying gum that comes with a free shirt. Oh, okay. Oh. It's a lot of gum.

But they also did the Star Wars ears. That crazy Star Wars parody thing. And you just heard a dog if you're listening. It was Mavis or my butt. I'm not sure which Mavis slid outside. She makes the funniest dog noises. She makes the harshest with her mouth.

She's like if Charlie Callis came back. She's the most Chewbacca of dogs. She's pretty Chewie-like, yes. So let's get in. Pull your arms up. Well, welcome back, brave warrior. Jesus Christ.

Are we still level two? You guys are level three. What? So Go check out Your player's handbooks if you will For what player 3 I don't know what made me anticipate Well you guys

Here's the thing I didn't think it would happen this fast But you've killed 2 vampires already So That deserves a little bit So It would happen this fast, but you've killed two vampires already. Right. So that deserves a little bit. So if we head to the... If you want to just follow along at home, kids. Should we take a break?

Or should we... No, we don't need to take a break. Third level roguish archetype. What does that mean? Brian, you're page 46. Plus two proficiency bonus. Blaine, you're 51. Anybody have an extra pencil?

51 what? Sorry? Page 51 of Claire's Handbook. Oh, yeah. I'm on it. I'm terrible. Can somebody grab me a pencil out of my office? I have a pencil with no lead in it. My proficiency bonus is still two.

Sneak Attack is 2d6 now. Ooh, Sneak Attack, huh? Primal Path. Yes. primal path yes primal path is another plus two proficiency bonus you get three rages now Brian so

that'll be fun while you guys scan that I will lay some exposition on everybody and yeah I mean I would just keep that page open in your player's handbook. It should be pretty easy to improvise around.

Leveling up here is pretty simple. They really put in that little table all you really need to know. If you want to kind of read a description, you're only like one page away of what the little stuff on the table means. And yeah, Blaine, you've now been to Bard College.

Yeah, I learned key punch and data entry. Also, I did a couple months of hotel management. You saw the ad while you were just sitting around getting high during the day and watching Sally Jesse. I thought, you know, I should just get my life together.

Sally's taught me a lot, but I think what I need to do is start taking my knowledge outside of the complex. You can also know second level spells now. You can learn up to four first levels and two second levels at a time.

We know Sally Jessie Raphael isn't on TV anymore. We're old. Go with our riffs. Shut up. Oh, I was talking about Sally Kellerman. I thought that was a choice. So, you guys killed the second vampire who had

sort of a wolf form that he was laying on you guys. And you are now surrounded... You look like a frumpy newscaster there's a bunch of people running around they were enthralled by the vampire that you killed

a couple episodes ago and there's a gored corpse of a person in front of you that had been feasted upon by one of the vampires. And things are pretty chaotic right now. No one's screaming anymore, but a few people are freaked out by the attack. A lot of people, though, look very despondent and are kind of just walking around, their eyes full of the the moon just kind of unsure what to do with

themselves you guys are pretty unclear what to do with yourselves also there's um the bay which is a bit south from here the bay of siddha um but you guys are up at this castle which you've been guided guided to by uh by uh count uh amalegda and uh now that count amalegda is dead you uh you're not 100 sure the way back oh he gave you a bit of a shortcut through the woods and the woods were i had been crumbling up a pop tart the entire time probably just crumbling up a Pop-Tart the entire time. Probably just follow the Pop-Tart trail back. Oh, well, you had a Pop-Tart trail until you teleported

and that was a bit of a problem. I did have a Phantasmal Pop-Tart spell. Oh, Phantasmal Pop-Tart. Yes, I'm just going to start making things up. You got me there. There's a lot of corn syrup in those. They're not very healthy. I'll maybe cut back on that a little bit.

So, yeah, it's kind of up to you guys where you want to go from here. You've carved a real fork in this path because you are unsure. I mean, you feel like you guys have a good enough sense that you could go south, and you feel like you vaguely know which way is south, but you'd have to cut through forest to get there. You no longer have a vampire guide several levels beyond you kind of helping you through what seems like pretty haunted woods. And the day is not really that much different from the night, right?

Correct. There's no way to see the sky, no way to navigate. No, in fact, you're starting to look up at the sky more and realize there's some light sources up there, but they seem inconsistent. Oh, that's not good. That's like eyes. What are you thinking, Tom?

I'm trying to figure out what the spell is I'm grabbing. There's heavy clouds, but you're never sure exactly where the moon is. What's a surf report look like? What's a five-day forecast there?

Well, a five-day forecast says we're going to have a whole lot of jellyfish coming up the coast. Underrated, overlooked jellyfish. You're going to have to pee on yourself if you run up against one of those bad boys. You mean I'll have to save some pee for when I run? Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold it. Huh. Well, can we... when I run. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold it. Huh. Huh. Well, can we... What's our other choice besides

the woods? There isn't. Lekas goes off. You're a dragonborn friend. He's trying to find if there are any mercs from his crew that are still around. He lost a bunch in the tunnel that you guys went in a ways back and he's just trying to figure out if there's anyone here

He knows really Beyond casual acquaintance Should we just start going through this castle? Sure I'm okay with that Have we not hit most of the room? I mean how much No you've only been through a very small part of the castle

Let's find the bridge and fly this thing back to earth hit most of the room? No, you've only been through a very small part of the castle. The castle's... Let's fly the bridge and fly this thing back to Earth. Oh, wait, I have the wrong character here. The castle's pretty run down, but it's had... It looks like recent repairs done on it. It looks like it was in the process of being rehabbed when you came to visit. We knocked this whole portcullis

out into a nice wreck room. We're putting up paneling. So, you guys are in a bit of a rec hall in the front gate. So, this is the front gate. It's like a dining hall. There's a table right there in the front, a new table. There's some bookshelves. I'll draw an X where one of the servants aged very quickly and turned to dust.

Interesting. You witnessed that a couple episodes ago. There is a staircase that spirals up and goes around. A door you came up. So there's a door here. And a door here. If you're listening to the room, he's showing us where the doors are. This is the main gate that you have been coming in and out of.

This is the dining table. This is the main gate that we entered the room. This is a dining table of books. The main gate that we entered the room. This is a staircase. You came in from the basement where the Count was killed through a stair underneath this main stair. This is like a mezzanine.

So where are we now? You're here if you're coming in. He's showing us where we are on the map. It's very, very exact. Let's go left first. First floor left? Yeah, yeah. Cool. So there's a... Hope that first. First floor left? Yeah, yeah. Cool.

So there's a... Right. Hope that helps if you're trying to visualize it. And it doesn't look like a penis or anything that Sark would have thought. I mean... It's rounded at the top

and long on the sides. It's kind of like an R2-D2. Oh, no way. It's Ohio. I thought it was an eggplant wearing headphones. Oh, eggplant. There you go. There's the penis. There's the big old... an eggplant wearing headphones. Oh, eggplant. There you go.

There's the penis. There's the big old... Eggplant wearing headphones. Ding, ding, ding. All right. 400 points. Finally. So, okay.

You head down this and there's a hallway. On the right, you see what looks like a kitchen. And on the left, it looks like it goes out into a garden. But you've kind of been outside already, so you know the garden's probably weird. It's really dark and creepy out there. It's got kind of a stone wall around it, so it's not exposed. You haven't seen it already, but you feel like it's probably just weird shit out there. You know, hit the kitchen, see if they have any of those thin Oreos

what if they have those peep Oreos those are really hard to get peep Oreos? yeah did you not see those at Easter? I'm glad I missed that yeah they turn your poop pink oh did they? I'm also going to see if there's any

zebra popcornopolis in there oh my god that sounds good alright well I don't know what's happening also gonna see if there's any zebra popcornopolis in there oh my god that's so good all right well um i don't know what's happening you head into the kitchen and uh there's a lot of fine dining uh clean uh looks like old very fancy stuff um no humans are in here no no beings are in the kitchen uh there's what we would call like a big vault door on on one wall of the kitchen and then there's what looks like uh some sort of food storage closets along sort of probably like a meat locker kind of thing? Kind of like what they might store meat in, yeah. Hmm. Hmm, a creepy haunted meat locker. Hmm.

Uh, you can try. Check the, um, yeah. It seems like there's no obvious way to open the door. It's like a big wooden square. Who's, uh, who's got that as a skill? Which?

Detecting traps. I now have... I'm sorry, I'm looking up all my shit that I just gained. And one of the things is I can detect traps at a distance now. Wow. It's my mage hand ledger domain. I can disarm traps at range

without being noticed by a creature if I succeed on the dexterity. Would you try, please? I'm going to do it. 20. That's not good. No. You don't detect any traps.

Weird. It did detect three weird needles. It sure was exciting. And I'm going to say because it's poorly lit in here, that's your only real roll you're going to get for traps. So I know you tried to detect them at a distance. You will not get a short distance roll on as a door. I'm going to try the same thing.

I'm going to go up and take a look around. Okay. 15. What's your dex? My dex is 18. All right, so you go up and you definitely feel like there's some kind of mechanism inside the door, but you're not entirely sure. It seems really complicated. Am I getting a scent of food around here? I get the feeling if there's a vampire,

there's going to be dead bodies. It smells like rust. It definitely looks like garlic. I hope not. That gives me a headache. Too much garlic. It smells like a farm tool in the rain.

Okay. Interesting. Freshly turned earth. Hmm. Sorry, I'm reading about two different... Or rusted steel. ...primal paths I can take. Rusted steel and turned earth.

This is so cool. I'm really digging 5th edition. Like, that's the thing. So, clearly, we're playing 5th, but I'm really liking it. What did you just find? So, I'm looking at the primal paths for me, which opened up for me in third level. Yes. As a half-orc barbarian.

I had a feeling you would like this. So I'm leaning toward Berserker, you know, for a lot of reasons, really. Of course, there's the clerks. Would you like to suck my cock berserk oh it's just quoting the lyrics I don't know what you're get away from me Brian so it says for some

barbarians rage is the mean to an end that end being violence that the path of the berserker is a path of untrammeled fury, slick with blood. As you enter the Berserker's rage, I'm sold. And then the other one is the Totem Warrior, which

the path of the Totem Warrior is a spiritual journey. The barbarian accepts a spirit animal as guide, protector, and it... I mean, that sounds really fun, but... That's like Jerry and his bear. We know what I'm going to do.

Yeah. I was already going to go... Because Frenzy is the first thing I get at third level, so I get Frenzy. Starting when you choose this path, third level, you can go into a Frenzy when you rage. If you do so, for the duration of your rage, you can make a single melee weapon attack as a

bonus action on each of your turns after this one. When your rage ends, you suffer one level of exhaustion as described in Appendix A. Yeah, I'm gonna start my path. I think that path sounds like your path.

Yeah. Cool. What do we... As a roger, you can choose, too. It can be an assassin, a thief, or an arcade trickster. Yeah, and that is one thing that people say makes it more like a video game, because the paths in 5th edition

are sort of analogous to a a video game, role playing video game where you have skill trees where you're like oh I'm going to invest all my skill points in the if you're a mage, oh the arcane path and you can unlock more magic missile bonuses and stuff like that

that's like a good way it's like a video game I mean I feel like I was telling uh my daughters who i think i just said i played dnd with them i was like this before there were video games there was this and so a lot of video games are based off dnd and they blew their minds they were like oh really i was like yeah like look at everything yeah i was like do you ever see when i would play skyrim how like you have numbers associated with a sword? That's from D&D.

Yeah. And yeah, they got really excited. We play a modified version of D&D that's not quite as creepy. Cool. I gotta get roads in on that with you. Yeah, I mean, if anyone at home wants the simple version, you just use the 20-sided die a lot and you boil it down to just three attributes. You do a strength, intelligence, charisma,

and that's it. It's like physical or mental or social. Do I get to add hit points at this level? I don't know.

I think every time. Yeah, I think it would be... You did last time, too. Yeah, so it's 1d... Well, for me, it's 1d8 per level. So we'll do that. Where would it say mine? On the first page of your thing.

Yeah, it'll be right... Class features. Oh, yeah. Hit dice 1d 12 per barbarian level yeah so go ahead and roll that baby please full war ah well Jen's all you deserve tweet I got to go ahead and say Lekas goes ahead And does as well Oh have we Are we still down a few hit points Yep sure You know what I have a thing here

It's called a little song of rest I'm down for more And I play a little song And I can revitalize my Wounded allies I play a little song and I can revitalize my wounded allies or a short rest. I play a little song Hey, I'll play a little something by my friend Gordon Lightfoot. Oh, please don't down. Yeah, it's better. Take care Get you creeping down my back

That's not yes everybody wants to roll one better than us six morning That's not yet. It's better than six more. Four? I'll take it. So you play a song in the kitchen while you're hanging out? Yeah. Okay, so a human wanders into the kitchen and says,

Hey, what's going on? Human, eh? Heard my old song. Eh. We're just exploring around. Oh, is this... This thing will gourd life in the kitchen. Do we?

He's a human, but tell us about him. Oh, it's a really thin, gaunt-looking man. He's wearing human but tell us about him Oh it's um It's a really thin gaunt Looking man he's uh he's wearing Merchant's clothes they look really fancy But he's looks very tired And exhausted he's got uh Slicked black hair And uh big empty eyes

Hmm Yeah He says what's going on I heard some music So what does that mean? Like he's an ex-vampire? Oh, he is a vampire. Or a... What do you call him?

He's a Widow's Peak. Yeah, he's a vampire. Okay. Or he's a... Hey. Can we help you? I just I don't know what to really do

I mean the master is gone What are What are you doing here? Did you slay the master? Interesting Interesting question Who's asking? Oh my

I'm sorry My name is Edmund I wasn't clear that I was in character, but yeah. He's scaring me now. Yeah, he says his name is Edmund, and... I should have sung the

record of the end of the show. Can I go into a little more light for him? He keeps... He starts getting a little determined and really wants to know about the master. He's done. Yeah. Hmm?

He's over. He says... He's kaputsky. Oh! Well, I should tell you, I am still under his command, for I've shared blood with him and others. That's gross. I'm not as fortunate as some out there who have their freedom. I am one of his personal...

Would you like us to release you? Yes. Can you release me? Hand or mouth? He starts realizing you may mean kill him. And he says, no, no, no. Oh, okay. I was hoping you would help free me from my other masters.

Okay, so who is your other master? I don't know all their names, but there's eight of them. Are they in the, where are they? Where are eight? They're somewhere else on this land. I don't know. They were coming for a visit tonight. I don't know.

Oh, no. Well, that's good to know. No, not tonight. Not all 80s. The master is having one of his affairs. He says you've probably got like eight hours. The vampire that you killed in the courtyard was an early arrival,

though. Oh, shoot. But there was to be a celebration. Well, that's going to be a celebration well that's gonna be fun okay the new wave of immigrants was supposed to be a gift to be divided up amongst the others

cool we got 8 hours to play the 18 song we got 8 hours to kill he says there will be six very powerful vampires arriving at approximately the same time

you've killed two so what do you he says there's only four of us servants who have shared blood with all eight there are three more in the castle you're delightfully forthcoming he's excited who've shared blood with all eight. There are three more in the castle.

You're delightfully forthcoming. He's excited, but he can't show it. You get the sense that he really wants to be free of this curse, but he's pleased that you've slain two of the vampires, but he can't really express excitement because he looks like he has maybe like a quart of blood in his body. So he's like,

Blaine. That's Blaine in full capacity. He says you should... He gestures towards the door and asks what you were going to do with the door. The door? Oh, we were...

The kitchen vault. We were trying to get in to see what was going on in there. He says you cannot free what is inside. What do you mean? What's inside? Dinner. Oh. There's...

Cool, boss. There's humans in there? He says there is a horror in there uh too frightening for him to describe but

but that it is it does not have its own mind and that you should you should pay no bother well that sounds like something we should see oh

that's something I really don't here's what it is they have a thing in there that they chain up and they thing in there that they chain up and they go in there and they feed it and maybe today might be our day in the barrel

so maybe we should not go in there I don't think it's a good idea he says if you like he can open it for you but he he says he was unable to look at it directly for it was too horrible just as a guy that's looked at cannibal corpse covers I feel like I could handle it

He asks if you'd be willing to help His fellow servants In the castle To do what? To free them Before the others arrive We're hoping to We want to destroy these guys.

He asks if you've run into Woody yet. Woody? Woody! That sounds like he'd be helpful in fighting vampires. He doesn't think Woody would be interested in helping. Woody is the non-human... Can we get Woody and Spike to help us? Woody is the non-human servant.

Oh, okay. He replaced Coach after the play. I know who Woody is. What? He says, Woody roams the upper halls providing security for the Master's treasure. Huh.

And you would have to come to an understanding with Woody should you want to free the other humans. He doesn't understand your Pixar references. He nods happily because Pixar sponsored this episode and he's glad that you fit in another reference. Is he the underage age of daughters?

Um, no. Okay, weird. Other Woody. Does he look more like Woody? Yeah. Well, yeah yeah more Woody references he just do all the Woodys did the Beach Boys drive him around

in their early days he looks at you Tui who he can tell knows some of the magic arts and he says have you have you a penis full of blood have you he slowly puts his hand in his pants blood. Have you... He slowly puts his hand in his pants.

Is he a delicate note after a mouth full of delicate Pinot Grigio? What are you doing?

I think we're done. Can we get one more? Is he a the version of WALL-ally that the Flintstones watch? Edmund smirks because he got the wine joke. Oh, okay.

The rest of them are a little too outside of his dimension. I was going to go with a below or maybe a charade, but I think what he's going to do is... Did he write or illustrate 48 Miles to the Outhouse? With his wife, Betty? He asks you, Tui, if you've communed...

If you've communed with monsters, if you can negotiate with monsters. Sure, why not? Well, I have a guy at Gersh that does that for me. Monsters? Woody is not a human. He speaks a language that

my fellow servants and I don't understand. What's wrong with him? He's not human. He has no human tongue. He speaks a magical language with which he's not familiar i mean he doesn't he he has no human tongue he speaks a magical language with which he's not familiar the master communicated via spells he's not human what you mean humanoid um sort of humanoid he wasn't because we're not going to get down there it's like a weird starfish with a maybe made of wood uh the most literal woody was once a a creature that the master found in a cave

and the master brought him up from the caves when he was badly injured and built him does he ever go there were once he says halflings who have all been drained of their blood they were used as appetizers as a celebration but they built celebration. But they built...

For the tables. Yeah, they built prosthetics. Just some gnomes and things. They built prosthetics for Woody that made him appear more humanoid. Prosthetics for Woody that made him appear more humanoid. All right. He probably wouldn't. So there's a...

Get your fire stuff ready. Okay, I'm picking a fire spell. Yeah, let's get some oil ready. Yes, okay. We need to take a break. Yeah, let's take a break. stuff ready okay I'm picking up fires bro yeah it's just more already yes okay we need to take a break so yeah let's take a break singing that to roads let's do it and we're back yes keep with the if you're keeping up with the whiskeys we're drinking every week we just cracked Woodford Reserve so going along with Woody did and it's the

what kind of cask is it one copper copper yeah does that taste I like their stuff usually yeah oh wow oh yeah it's Whoa, I like the after. The after is delightful. You guys are having some fun. It's very woody. So yeah, he says he couldn't tell you what kind of beast

Woody is, but he has he has been outfitted with human type or humanoid prosthetics to make him less off-putting as a servant oh wow okay there was not much left left of him when the master brought him home yeah Ew. Yeesh. Yeah, well, you know, you're discovering a few of the more gory secrets of this castle. Okay. Where's the gift shop? Let's just get one of those

the guided tour headphones and just maybe kind of walk around with the guided tour headphones. So what are you thinking? Where do we wait? Where do we do this? We could set up traps. Yeah, Edmund says you're one hallway and one stairwell away from Woody, who

does not sleep. He paces the hallway upstairs. Oh, that's where we're... He just left us? No, Edmund's with you in the kitchen still. Oh, okay, but where's Woody? Woody's upstairs

yeah yeah yeah okay is Woody hard hard to destroy that would be a hard question he's gonna be a hard guy to kill um he he thinks so yeah he what we have to kill Woody he see he also says you don't don't necessarily have to kill Woody okay but be aware. Okay. But Edmund's afraid of Woody and cannot communicate with Woody and Woody is some sort of beast wrapped in a wooden prosthetic shell.

Oh, right. Okay. That paces back and forth. That is weird. Interesting. Hmm. Tom? What are you doing? I don't know.

I selected my various spells and catriots. He says if you destroy the master, I'm sure Woody will be of no consequence. Oh, I see. Now, where's the master? Does Woody get all his power? Oh, the master, the one who lives here, Count Amalegdo, you defeated him in combat, yes? Sure, yeah. Okay.

If you manage to fight him off, then you'll be able to fight off Woody. Is that who we killed? That's who you killed in his coffin while he was sleeping. Oh, okay, yeah, okay, cool. Okay, now, but, and, cool. And these other... When these other guys get here, these other eight vampires... There's another six.

They're very powerful, but again, if you were able to best the master in combat, then I'm sure... Are any of the other ones... He keeps saying in combat. We killed him in his sleep. Yeah. Are we... Are these guys we killed him in his sleep. Yeah. Yeah.

Are we... Are these guys more powerful than... Well, they're as powerful as the Master. I mean, they can shapeshift and become mist and... Oh, man. Can't... You guys... They're millennia old, some of them, but...

They come from different continents. This is the great meeting place, the land of the midnight. How do we trick them into all going to sleep? Say, bye? Well, every night, you know, they have their own clocks because they come from different lands. They sleep at different times. At night? Hmm?

They sleep at night? They all kept the same nights from their own lands. Ah, got it. Basically, you get the idea that all these vampires are jet-lagged from somewhere else and they immigrated here and they all sleep at different times because it's always night. Right.

Does anybody have a melatonin spell? Can we throw turkey at them? So, yeah. Is there a lot of turkey around? You feel like when there's a lull in the conversation you can actually hear someone pacing upstairs. Yeah. Through the stone.

Woody. Woody. That's Woody. So we run away. Woody. That's Woody. So we run away. Yeah. We go to another land. We get on a ship. Let's get out of the castle. Plunge into the woods and maybe the symbol kills.

Edmund laughs and says, well, of course he won't leave. There's nowhere to go. He knows us too well. What's Tom Lekas think? You actually left Lekas outside You could go get him if you wanted He's probably in the corner He says he would be happy to help

Alright then How many guys does he still have? He can't find any of his crew A lot of people have fled the castle into the woods There's only a couple dozen Have stuck around But again everyone looks really depressed And is sort of just staring off into the distance

Well Can we ask them if they want to join and fight us? Or fight with us? Lekas has actually been trying to find Anyone who has combat experience And might be willing to join and fight us? Or fight with us? Lekas has actually been trying to find anyone who has combat experience and might be willing to join your little group, and no one wants to. They all just keep talking about the end times.

Oh, wait a second. Oh, shoot. Hmm. Can I try to use intimidation on someone that seems like a good that might be helpful? Sure. In fact, the bartender who responded to intimidation on someone that seems like a good, that might be helpful? Sure. In fact, the bartender who responded to intimidation once before is still here.

Okay. Give it a shot. Yeah, what am I asking him? What am I? What do you want to know? Well, no, I mean, I won't. Oh, yeah, you want to ask the guys. I want to, uh...

Well, basically, like, intimidate him into helping us. Like, we need your help. You're going to help us. You just want to find a strong couple of guys to, like, pick up swords and... As many times as I can do it. Sure. I won't make you roll, but you manage to intimidate two guys. Okay.

Everyone else kind of goes into a coma when you intimidate them. All right. I'll take it. Cool. There's plenty of weapons laying around. The master did not seem afraid. There's whole racks of swords in the hall. Well, right, but don't we need...

What do we need to kill these guys? Steaks? Mm-hmm. You don't see anything wooden around that seems easily made into a steak other than... No, is there a table in there? There is a table. there's the big oak table and uh the front hall you can splinter that can i hit and try those are pretty big uh solid legs you try and split one up i'm gonna hit with my great sword go for it yep got some steaks you get uh here why don't you roll you could get up to eight why don't you roll an eight-sided and

they'll tell you how many sticks you get up per leg. You can roll an eight four times. Where the heck? This guy right here. Yeah. Yeah. Helps when you have 50 dice on it. What's that, four?

Yep. So, four from the first leg. Oh, so what am I trying to get? Roll the dice for every table leg you want to split. Right, okay. Five. Oh, five different times. Now you have nine. You can roll it two more times.

We only need about eight for these guys, or six, right? Yeah, but maybe multiple, yeah. Three. That's 12. Roll one more time. 14. for these guys or six right yeah but well maybe multiple yeah three it's 12. roll one more time 14. so you get 14 stakes you and divvy them up amongst everybody yep take a stake um so what does that give us each um 14 stakes if you want to split them between the three of you that's five five and four yeah okay oh we should give some to let like this is yeah if you want to if you want to break them up four ways that's what Alright, what's 14 divided by 4? I can't do basic divisions. I'll give those guys 2 each, the recruits. Divided by, so hopefully we have 14 and then we just give them 4.

You don't get 3 in this call. Yeah, everybody gets 3 and then the other guys get 2. Yeah, okay. Sounds good. Alright, so... Everybody gets three and then the other guys get two. Yeah, okay. Sounds good. Alright, so... That's what I love about Dungeons & Dragons.

It's the long stretches of very simple math. Where all of a sudden the adults are like, wait a minute. Hold on for a second. What do I have to do? 27 minus 4. Remember, 12 times 12 is 144.

Remember the far end of the multiplication table Siri how do I subtract So that took an hour Go back in time One hour has passed since you killed the second vampire Okay so 7 Before they get here What else should we do

Edmund Edmund asks if you're going to help free his fellow servants upstairs. We're working on it. Don't we have to... You have to confront Woody. Oh, okay. Crap. Do we have our oil and fire ready?

Okay, we're going to do that first. I think so. Okay. In fact, we can lay down some, if we want to draw Woody into a puddle of oil or something like that. Okay. We could possibly do that. I don't know, is Woody just staying upstairs?

Do we get his attention and he'll follow us down hopefully? I don't know. Is he only able to, he lives upstairs, right? Yeah, and he speaks, but no one understands what he says. Okay. Let's head up there. What do you think is the best way to do this? So you head to the hallway. Again, this hallway, you go in the main door.

This hallway, kitchen up here doors and if you keep going there's a stairwell they'll take you to second floor a little spiral turret that empties out into the upper floor you guys want to head up the stairs yeah all right at the top of the stairs there's a big oak door and you definitely hear someone pacing on the other side of this door. Edmund says he is actually afraid of Woody and would like to stay downstairs, please. So he kind of starts to back downstairs. Do you guys let him go?

Yeah. Yeah. Upon him going downstairs The two men you recruited Outside start to get a little nervous And shake a little bit It's fine guys, everything's fine It's all good Wouldn't hurt

I'll throw intimidation on them again Why don't you roll this time What am I rolling? I don't know Where's your intimidation skill? I had it on my proficiency skills. Oh, okay. Why don't you just roll 20-sided dice with, we'll call it, you have to roll under a 15. Okay.

Yeah. Why don't you roll again for the other guy yeah um okay one of them gets less nervous the other one stays nervous okay hey tell your friend not to be so nervous okay relax hey Relax. Hey, Chumlee. So, yeah. What do you want to do? Go through the oak door. Just do it? Yeah.

Is there any way to sneak up on this guy? Not really. Wait till he's walking away. Oh, yeah. You no longer have Edmund to ask at the moment. What's that? What? If you had any curiosity about what was on the other side of this door, you're... Time's up.

Yeah. What do you mean? Edmund's left. So you can't ask. No one amongst you has been through this door before. Oh, no. Okay, right. But is there any way...

Wait till he's... Is there any way we can see... We hear him we can see when he's walking away from the door? As opposed to facing the door? Possibly. With the footsteps. Right now you've got a closed door and a wall in front of you. Okay, what can we hear? Can we hear the footsteps?

You can hear the footsteps. So where is he? They're going what sounds like left to right. Oh. Sounds like there might be, you know, another hall or room or something. Right, well, they sound the softest when it's open the door. Yeah? Yeah.

How much space is under the door? A solid, like, inch, inch and a half. Slip your dick under? Yeah. Nah, I got a crazy chode, bro. It's not going to fit under an inch and a half door. Did you ever in college read those Native American

folktales with the trickster coyote? Mine's like a tuna. He had a penis like a plastic man that would just have sex with people while they were bathing and stuff. Yeah. I have a chicken of the sea. Mine's just a big fat tuna can.

I call mine Diddy Moore. Because it has a big thumbprint on top? And a detachable upper can. You can only get it in Mexican grocery stores. What was in the other can at Ditty Moore? Right? It's like a can on top. So what's in the bottom can and what's in the top can?

Yeah, nobody knows. The top can had all the flavoring. I don't know what the hell was in the top can. The top can was the granola that you would sprinkle at. Oh, that sounds good. Ditty Moore granola. Ditty Moore yogurt stew. Oh, yeah.

You thought Giovanni was bad, and you do. I was going to think if there's some way to, like, fire some oil in there or something. Sure. Light some shit. Oh, yeah, we were talking about that earlier. Maybe that's a good idea. You talked about doing several things So he's asking about the

That's why you're asking about the room under the door Right, if there's enough Well, so pour oil Under the door? Yeah, right Sure I think Why not?

I just light that shit on fire and not even go under Yeah, and when he comes over Not even go in? No Oh, just lure him to the door Yeah, when he comes over, like, what the... Yeah, let's knock on the door and light him on fire. Yes.

I think so. That's perfect. And then when he walks over, you light him up? Yeah. All right. Pour some oil under the door. I have a fire bolt. Go for it.

You don't have to make any rolls to do this stuff yet. I have a fire bolt, too. Let's do it. We're going to fire bolt him. I'm going to fart bolt him. Let's knock on the door. We'll put oil in the door. Did you just fart in real life?

Yeah. You son of a bitch. You're at my house now. Oh, God. At Earwolf, I would have never farted. That's not true. You farted a lot. In fact, there's been a surprising lack of farts this reboot of the show.

There was a dog under the table for a while. No, that quote-unquote dog. So, yeah. So, let's get some dog under the table for a while no that's quote unquote dog so yeah so let's get some oil under the door there's a nice

little puddle and then knock on the door no not when you fart it knows better right yeah alright we're doing

that while you pour oil under the door you hear it it continues to pace back and forth knocking on the door and walking away

you knock and the pacing stops are you there God it's me Margaret pace back and forth. Knocking on the door and walking away. You knock and the pacing stops. Okay. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. God. You hear a silence. Silence. New silence.

New silence. Yeah, no pacing. Just silence, like it's listening. Great. Light it up. No, no, no. I'm waiting. No, wait. Did it sound... Well, did it sound... I'm paying very close attention to who says what right now.

Did it sound like he was close to the door or far from the door? He sounded like he was at least, like, minimum 10 yards away from the door, if not more than that. Let's get him closer. Knock again. Lanshaw. Still silence, like it's listening. still silence like it's listening I'm also saying that that tweet is only speaking that loudly

that you guys aren't really making a ruckus yet it's up to you if you want to make a statement here or you want to keep waiting hello hello hello anything still listening Hello? Hello? Hello? Alright.

Anything? Still listening? Still listening. Really? Fucker. Kakaroko! Kakara! Kakaro! You hear some rustling, but no steps yet. Kakaro! Kakaro! Probably thinks Adam Sandler is here. You hear some rustling But no steps yet I probably think

Adam Sandler is here You hear I sure hope nobody eats me You hear under the door You hear Something that sounds like Jack's not here It's only Jill

How close is it? It hasn't taken a step Since you started knocking Oh my god You hear a step Okay It starts stepping very slowly Towards the door

Okay let's wait We'll probably be able to see the shadow As it crosses the light Alright I'm hoping Hello You see torchlight under the door that's been there the whole time Nothing new

Honey are you okay in there? All of a sudden All of a sudden Uncomfortably close You hear two stomp stomps Okay hit it Do we see any No shadow?

No They say it's close though It's uncomfortably close The torchlight under the door Is flickering You can't really tell Can't tell okay But it sounds close

Yeah It sounded distant Then all of a sudden as if I will firebolt The door Under the door Go for it To like the thingy

The oil I don't know what I'm rolling You just rolled a 20 For funsies Um Go for it. To, like, the thingy. The oil. I don't know what I'm rolling. You just rolled a 20 for funsies. Well, it's a spell, so it just goes off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, it goes off. He saved a 20 for his next attack with the door. So the door goes up immediately.

The oil is enough to the fumes and just make the door catch on fire also. And you hear very loud squealing noises on the other side of the door. And a thump, thump, thump, thump. Back in the hell away. Oh, you ran away? Yeah. Okay.

And then you hear a distant butt hit on a bath of water. Let's go in, right? Let's go in, right? I see we're not going to the door again. No, yeah. The door is on fire now. Let's knock on the door again. Let's wait and see what happens.

Knock on the burning door? No, let's wait. Wait for the door to burn. How long do you want to wait? You tell me. I will make you do it in real time. Just tell me how long you want to wait. Wait until the door to burn How long do you want to wait? You tell me I'll make you do it in real time Just tell me how long you want to wait Wait until the fire goes down Yeah exactly

Wait until the door burns open Fire starts to Kind of stay closer to the bottom Now the door kind of Puts itself out and just There's big black patches where you burned it Okay can we kick through it? Yeah you can probably kick through it

Alright Easy I do it Go for it you kick an almost person-sized hole in it you can easily just shake it open now all right uh what do we see so there's like a 10 yards of hallway what it's just a funny image to me 10 of hallway, a big room with a bright red carpet. And it looks like there's a bunch of doors around this main room. It looks like this was some sort of... It's a strange looking room. There's nothing in it except a bright red carpet. And it's big and flat.

It almost looks like a dancing sort of room or a rec room, but it's just a red carpet and no furniture. Okay. Is there other footprints leading away from the door? No. No footprints that you can tell easily. You can go farther into the room and examine the carpet.

Let's stick together. Let's head in. I have my greatswords wrong, by the way. You notice some scuffs examine the carpet stick together let's yeah let's head in um you have my great swords around by the way you notice some scuffs in the carpet where it looks like something ran um about human-sized footprints and they they lead to a stairwell on the other side of the room it didn't go through any of the doors it looks like it just ran across the room up another stairwell all right okay let's follow as you head towards the other stairwell you hear a on the stairs, on the stairs.

Coming down towards you. Let's just trip it. More oil? Let's back up. Back down the steps and get sure. Let's throw the oil on it and I'll light it up yeah can we see him again almost okay yeah so uh suddenly around the corner it appears okay oil it oil it splash it with oil yeah i'll fire bolt it all right everyone roll a 20

i'll roll this one 11 13 18 cool let's go yep in order let's go Brian Ken Blaine and this thing I'll roll

the 6 so it'll go last okay what is it? I will let you splash oil without a turn because you were waiting to do it um you see what looks like uh what we would call like a big wooden skeleton it's about seven feet tall um and it's held together with bits of steel and in the middle of it kind of like in the rib cage with the head poking out is what looks like a giant maimed octopus

it's got a couple of big fleshy tentacles coming out that go inside the arms like marrow into a bone but it's head has a weird beak and it's only got one eye

and it's kind of poking out the top of the rib cage some weird creature that they fucked up yeah yeah the wooden skeleton however is painted to look like a gentleman's suit so it's

it's it's like communion communion? So it's... That's so bad. It's like... What the fuck was there? Communion? Communion? You had a weird church. The Wicker Strap. Oh, yeah.

So, Brian, this thing is covered in oil. What do you do? Well, do I have time to do the tinderbox or do I wait? I mean, to take a to uh create my own fire since I don't have um well it depends what you want to do like you can

open your tinderbox and try and spray flint and steel at it but you're gonna have to roll to see if the sparks can hit this guy cause he's a few feet in front of you and it would involve like taking the flint and steel and going like trying trying to spray sparks. I don't have time enough to light a torch and then throw it at him. No, no, you'd have to light a torch and then.

Okay. Well, I'm going to slash at him with my greatsword. Go for it. No. He's just swinging mid Mid air and it kind of Reels back a little bit from the oil Was that a nine No it was a six

Dots on the bottom sorry sir I know I picked up and looked at the other one You're up Blaine Ken's up I'm going to cast shock and grasp What are you going to grasp? The guy in the middle. Give it a roll,

won't you? Because wood won't shock. The difficulty depends on what you're going for with your hands. Oh, that's good. You hit his head. Oh, you want to roll again is what you're saying? Oh, because that was a one. No, no, no. You can't quite get a grip on it.

It's all oily. Your hands slide off the rib cage. Damn. Alright. Blaine. I am going... Wait it, wait it, wait it. I'm going to... I think it's a little too close. I'm going to... Boing it, boing it, boing it. I'm going to... I think it's a little too close.

Set the wood on... I'm going to... If I see it burning, I'm burning away. I'm going to take this opportunity to... Take my longsword. Sure. You got one. Right in it.

In the ribbies, right into it, in the meat holes. Yeah. And the thing that it's looking at me with, what do you call that? The eye, the eyeball.

Yeah. The eyeball, right. The eyeball, the eyeball tower. Yeah, that did, but that was a one.

Oh, the paper. We need a box. Uh, okay. I need you to roll a one. Oh. We did that to the paper. We need a box. Okay, I need you to roll 100, sir. Boy, say. 14. I bet you we'll get one. Because on the first episode, I've got an ad.

You just miss. Okay. And then we mention it. Okay. We'll get one soon. This thing. We already got one. We've never heard of it. We And then we mention it. Okay. We'll have one soon. This thing... We already got one. We've never heard of it.

We've never heard of it. We've never heard of it. This thing starts wiggling back on the stairs, and it looks at you guys and goes... The kids are sleeping, or a kid is sleeping. Sorry about that. Park Tuscany. And that's it. That's it.

Game's over. Yay. You won. You got it to make a Tuscan Reader sound. That's it. Game's over. Yay. You won. You got it to make a Tuscan Reader sound. It's all over. Are we quitting for the night or for the episode? Oh, for the episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm game for another one. Oh, let's do one more. Oh, I see how it is. So this guy just made a crazy noise. We'll see you next week. We're going to kill this. We're going to try to. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.